Relationships

By Jeff Forte
90MinuteMarriageMiracle.com

You probably know that more than half of all marriages end in divorce.

What you may not be aware of is that children of divorce have a higher likelihood of divorce later on when they marry.  

Why?

Whether we realize it or not, we learn our relationship skills from our parents and the influencers who surrounded us early on in our lives.  We also learn what not to do.

Our relationship programming is a very powerful thing.  

Here are 3 Reasons Why So Many Marriages Fall Apart

1. Failure to Get the Big Picture Right  
What's your vision for your marriage?  Most people haven't thought about the future of their relationship.  They simply go day to day, working towards kids and homes and school and retirement.  There is no thinking about sustaining intimacy, deep connection, or love and passion, so it doesn't have much practical importance in our daily lives. Consider the following:

• What do you want your day to day life together to be about?  


• How do you want to feel when you are with this person? 


• Why do you love them?  


• Why are you with them? 


• What do you want your intimacy and connection to look like 5 years from now? Will it be better or worse?

There so many day to day stressors that distract us from what's really important that we simply get busy with life and take each other for granted.  We take the relationship for granted, expecting it to be there for a lifetime.  Nothing works out that way, and our personal happiness suffers as a result. 

2. Misalignment on Things that Matter 
What's most important to you may not matter much to your partner.  This creates unending conflicts, unless agreements are created and compromises worked out. You are likely to have very different views on a variety of things about life. Here are some simple examples: 

• Are you aligned on opinions of saving and spending money?


• Are you aligned on how to raise children?


• Are you aligned with how you spend your personal time vs. family time?


• Are you aligned with your views of individual roles and responsibilities around the home?


• Are you aligned on what being married means, in terms of how you demonstrate how you value each other?

You can easily understand how differing opinions will impact how you feel about each other.  The relationship will suffer when you are not aligned on what you both view as important issues. 

3. Blaming Your Problems on Lack of Communication 
It's easy to misinterpret relationship struggles as difficulties in communication.  Most often they are not. Yes you may not understand each other, and yes you may feel that you can't talk to each other about anything without arguing.  But in my opinion, those are not communication challenges. 

They are symptoms of disconnection between the partners. The close, intimate feelings of connection and affection that you felt early on are no longer there.  And you cannot resolve connection by working on communication. You will waste lots of time and money trying.  Here's some ways to know it's about connection:

• Do you love them but are no longer in love with them?


• Have conflicts increased?


• Has communication with each other become a challenge?


• Has intimacy suffered in any way?


• Do you walk on egg shells around them? 

Many people spend year in traditional counseling working on communication, but far too often the marriage ultimately fails. It's not the remedy that people expect it to be. 

Couples learn how to understand each other better. They learn how to listen more closely to one another.  Each person will voice their opinion of what happened, issue by issue.  

While all of these things can be helpful, none of them will create feelings of deeper connection with each other. Often just the opposite is experienced, which is why there are over 2 million divorces per year in the USA despite over 50,000 licensed couples counselors.  

My approach to resolving marital challenges is very different.  If you want to learn more about what works and doesn't work in restoring love and passion, you can read my book,The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle. You will find immediately useful ideas and strategies.



Jeff Forte CSIC CME, author of The 90-Minute Marriage Miracle, founder of PEAK Results Coaching, is an Executive Coach specializing in marriage resolution and team dynamics. He holds certifications in Strategic Intervention and Marriage Education and is an expert in divorce prevention and urgent conflict resolution. Clients include Fortune 500 Executives, Business Professionals, Attorneys, Surgeons, Professional Athletes, Teams and Couples. He works with clients all over the world via Skype. For more information visit 90MinuteMarriageMiracle.com. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.