I want to thank you for the advice you've been giving to the mothers who call in with fears of harm coming to their children.
At first, my husband and I were not sure if we were going to have kids, but after 6 years of marriage, God made the decision for us. I have always pushed myself as hard as I can in whatever I do, and was determined to be the best mother there was - which meant, in my mind, I would bear the whole burden myself.
My son is 4 years old, but when he was born he was an extremely difficult baby. He came out wailing and didn't stop for two years. Nurses had to move my room because we scared the other new mothers. One nurse took pity on me and tried to spend some of the night in my room rocking him, but he still did not stop. They told me if I just let him go into the nursery, I could get some sleep, but I wouldn't allow them to take him away from me.
When we came home from the hospital, my husband had to go to work early every day, so I drug a mattress in the baby's room and endured the sleepless nights of him screaming on my own.
I had constant fears, dreams, and thoughts of harm befalling him, and some drove me crazy. I had convinced myself if I left him alone with anyone else, they would not be able to handle the screaming and would hurt him in some way.
I sit now, years later, with such guilt because there was a few times that I lost it. I never physically harmed my son, but I did lose my composure and yell. He was just a baby and it was not something I am proud of. The guilt is like a cancer that weighs on me. After he turned 2 and started actually sleeping at night, the yelling stopped, but I can't forget what I did to my own child.
I can't change the past, but I can move forward and spend the best, quality time with my child and love him the way he deserves. And from time to time I leave him with his dad, or grandmother, or aunt and I know they are playing and everything is fine and I can relax. (Although he is a lot more fun now and hardly ever screams and cries) I may never forget what I did, but if I move forward and be the best mom I can be, I am sure he will forget any bad that happened, and see me for the mom I can be. I can tell my story to new moms who have bags under their eyes and I can offer to babysit and let them go take a break or even take a nap. I can assure them even if their child screams the WHOLE TIME they are gone, I will be fine because I have lived through it and two hours of screaming will not cause me to lose my mind. I'll just think back fondly to my days with my screaming meemie baby who the nurses had no idea what to do with.
Thanks
G.
