Today's Family Man
"Helping a Perfectionist Student"
By Gregory Keer
A question I received over the summer from a concerned parent asked about her 10-year-old who was already getting anxious about going back to school because she's heard the fifth-grade teacher is hard. The father said his daughter is a good student, but is developing a sense of perfectionism. He pointed out that he never pressures his daughter to be such a high achiever, nor does his wife, so he wanted to know what he could do to help his child.
As a high-school teacher, I see all kinds of students, a number of whom have perfectionist personalities. Nothing but an 'A' is good enough, and often, if they don't achieve the highest score, they get upset or depressed. We're seeing younger and younger children begin anxieties over grades, body image, and old-fashioned popularity, so it's wise to start working on this issue now.
Often, academic perfectionism is due to parental pressure, which isn't the case with the questioning parent. Sometimes, it's due to peer pressure and sheer competitiveness. A child may want to stand out in her crowd or rise to a higher level among her peers by being the top student. And still another cause can be internal pressure to gain control over her world. Getting all or most of the answers right gives a child a sense that she's got a hold over some part of her life, when other things may be less manageable.
Talk to Your Child
As with most concerns about your child, you should start with talking to her. Perhaps you have done some talking, but this time, be really specific with your questions. Ask her how she feels when she doesn't get an 'A,' when someone else does better than her, or when she's confused about a math problem or writing assignment.
Be a Role Model
Tell your child stories about yourself as a student and what made you worried. Mention your failures and how you learned from them. One of the best ways to help your child is to make them see you as a credible model who survived similar challenges. Teach her that failure is the gateway to more knowledge and that no one, let alone you, gets all the answers, especially the first time around. Recognize that she may not completely identify with you, but she will see you as being willing to meet her at her level.
Speak to Other Parents and Siblings
Especially if you're not getting enough of a clear picture from your daughter, you might want to discuss how her friends' parents perceive her. This is a tricky area, and you may even want to ask your daughter's permission to talk to the other parents, but you can learn something from an outsider's perspective. Perhaps the parent's own child has talked about your daughter and can offer insight. If you have another child who's older than your daughter, talk to him/her too. A sibling sees with different eyes and may have just the perspective you need.
Inquire About the Teacher
Encourage your daughter to talk to students who had the teacher in question. How hard is she? Why is she difficult? It may be that only one or two students feel the teacher was challenging while others found her funny, fascinating, or inspiring. You can do this with her or have her call people and report back to you.
As a secondary resort, consider talking to the principal or other school advisor about the teacher and his/her expectations. Getting your daughter the lowdown in advance can mitigate a lot of anxiety. If possible, you may be able to meet with the teacher a couple of weeks before school starts since some instructors work on campus to prepare for the year.
Round Out and Prioritize Her Activities
Think about what your daughter does outside of the classroom or study time. Does she play sports or music? These are wonderful activities that can balance out her focus, as long as her perfectionism doesn't spill over into them. Discuss with her what she feels is most important to her life, as it stands today. Perhaps you can write down what she does on a given day and give each item a 'grade.' Does she need to do 'A' work in class? Would she be happy if she got a 'B' on the soccer field? Can she live with a 'C' on the flute?
Not everyone can be great at everything and, if your child is suffering from anxiety in the effort to be perfect, a grading of her activities can show her that she can still be pleased with herself and have fun though she's not at the top of the mountain.
Free Time
She should also have free time built into the day and week in general. Time to just hang out, listen to music, watch TV, etc. If she's resistant to be unproductive, try taking her to a yoga class for kids (they do exist!). Teaching her the habit of decompressing is essential and centering even at her age.
Watch Out for Other Signs
Because my advice may only scratch the surface, think about talking to your pediatrician because perfectionism can have significant physical effects. In fact, continually pay attention to your daughter's behavior. If she develops regular sleep problems or loses appetite on an ongoing basis, you should consult your pediatrician for advice. Your daughter is still young and malleable, so taking care of her patterns now will save you all a lot of grief later.
Offer Love and Support
At the root level, what your daughter needs most is your unconditional love and support. You may already be giving that, but keep reminding her of how proud you are of her efforts, whether they result in 'A's' or much lower. Celebrate her work by posting her 'C' paper on the fridge as well as the 'A' on the math quiz to show her that you think she's grand no matter how she does.
(c)copy;2006 Gregory Keer. All rights reserved.
Gregory Keer is a syndicated columnist, educator, and on-air expert on fatherhood. His Family Man(r) column appears in publications such as L.A. Parent, Boston Parents' Paper, and Bay Area Parent. In addition to writing for
Parenting
magazine and the Parents' Choice Foundation, Keer publishes the online fatherhood magazine,
www.familymanonline.com
. He also contributes to
USA Today, Pregnancy
, DrLaura.com, and ParentingBookmark.com. Keer is a guest expert on television and radio and advisor to the Cartoon Network. He and his wife are the proud parents of three sons. Keer can be reached at
www.familymanonline.com
. For details on his parent coaching, go to
www.familymanonline.com/section.php?section=consulting
. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com
