Three Umbrellas Every Parent Needs
by Debi Stack
Probably sometime in the last 24 hours, if you're a mommy (or daddy) to the max, your child shared a wild idea, and then BOOM! Down poured your list of all the logical reasons why it won't work. Here are two examples of how I've done it with my own kids.
--While watching an old movie starring Gene Kelly with my then-preteen daughter, she commented on how handsome he was and how romantic it would be to dance with him. What I should've said is, "Yes, he is good-looking. And I'm sure if you could somehow hop into this movie, he'd think you were cute as a button." What I actually said was, "He's probably dead by now."
--While driving with my then-preschooler son beside me, he noticed a stray dog and began talking about how when he is grown up he will take care of all the animals in the world that don't have homes. What I should've said is, "You have such a kind heart. That's one of the things I love about you." What I actually said was, "Most of them would probably have diseases and need to be put to sleep."
AARRGGHH! I hate it when I do that! Of course, I could blame my poor responses on being sleep deprived with my daughter (she likes to start watching a movie when I'm ready for bed) or at being traffic-distracted with my son (he likes to jabber faster and louder during rush hour).
But my response had nothing to do with them. It's just typical of perfectionists to automatically focus on what's wrong and ignore what's right. This is like an oversensitive fire alarm: at the slightest hint of heat, PWEEEEESSSHHH!!! The sprinkler system kicks in and everything is drenched, doused and water-damaged.
The good news is that we can retrain ourselves to turn down the over-sensitivity to "wrong" and turn up the sensitivity to "right." Here are three tips that help keep me from raining on my kids' parades.
Umbrella #1: Give them my full attention. When I'm tired or distracted, this takes extra effort, but maintaining eye contact with my optimistic children as they share their exciting ideas softens my heart and my response. Their sweetly expectant faces are irresistible! (Besides, don't I require their full attention when I speak to them?)
Umbrella #2: Show real interest. The easiest way to enter into my kids' dreams is with play-along questions. When my then-preschooler daughter talked about what kind of princess dress she would wear to a ball, I asked, "What kind of shoes would go with that? What color dress could I have? Would you paint a picture of that for me?" (See? I do say the right thing sometimes!)
Umbrella #3: Suppress evaluations. Instead of jumping in with an adult-level judgment ("That will never work"), offer affirming statements: "I like the way you think." "Your imagination inspires me!" "It's fun to share your dreams."
Yes, most of our kids' parades will eventually be rained upon, but parents should be the last to drizzle and drip on them. Instead, let's offer each of our little dreamers the shelter of our attention, interest and affirmation. That will keep them singin' in the rain for years to come.
Debi Stack is an author, speaker and media guest who addresses the topics of stress, overcommitment and perfectionism. Her humorous, self-help book for maxed-out women,
Martha to the Max: Balanced Living for Perfectionists
, is in multiple printings and translations. Visit
www.maxedout.net
. This "Mommy to the Max" column is used by DrLaura.com with permission. Copyright 2002. All forms of reproduction strictly prohibited.
