You may think it’s innocent – how cute, they’re going to the movies together! But, more often than not, dating at a young age is distracting and destructive to a child’s social and emotional health. Girls don’t understand that a boy’s primary motivation is sexual. All she knows is that getting male attention makes her feel important and really good about herself. Dads know the truth, which is why I think it’s necessary for fathers to be the ones to lead discussions about dating.
My listener, Steve, admitted that he was in his 20s before sex stopped being his primary motivation for dating. Now the father of two daughters, he was getting pressure from his girls and his wife to let them start dating. This is what I suggested he say:
I can't stop you from having feelings for some guy. If you want to go to a party with your group of friends and he’s there, fine. But we're not aiming for marriage, settling down or commitments at this age. This is the time of life for you to build your identity through all of the cool things you do and all the wonderful experiences, accomplishments and challenges you take on. You can see in your own group of friends that a lot of girls get so distracted by being liked by a boy that they let other important things fall to the wayside. Then, when there’s a break up, they’re lost, miserable, depressed. I don’t want that for you. When can you actually start dating? That's a decision for the future. I'll let you know when I observe your maturity and the maturity of the guy you want to date.
This type of direct message needs to come from dad, because mom is usually more concerned about her daughter’s feelings and not wanting to make her child mad. The bottom line is that parents need to ensure that their daughters feel good about themselves for reasons other than male attention like being able to do math in their heads, running marathons, being talented artists. Dating replaces those real accomplishments with something superficial and fleeting.
Dads, it's time to hear from you: how did you go about having this conversation with your own daughters? I'd love to hear your perspective by sending me your story here!