Dr. Laura BlogBlog's for April, 2020http://www.DrLaura.comDr. Laura2024-03-19T09:21:01Z2024-03-19T09:21:01ZDr. LauraGetting Kids to Follow the RulesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Getting-Kids-to-Follow-the-Rules/-384397352067806443.html2020-04-09T20:18:00Z2020-04-09T20:18:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e464475a-3d06-bcd5-4023-8168c22e2848">
<p dir="ltr"><span>How can you cut behavioral problems off at the pass or at least deal with them in a way that makes them less powerful or less frequent? It really all comes down to common sense and compassion for your kids.</span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>The first thing you need to do is </span><span><strong>have a good relationship with your child</strong>. </span><span>Kids are more likely to follow the rules if they feel loved, respected, and approved of. Bonding and connection are very important.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>In addition, I notice that many parents don’t </span><strong>make the rules clear</strong><span>. For example, a lot of you just say,</span><em> “Go clean your room!”</em><span>, but what does “clean your room” really mean? </span><span>When I was a kid, that meant taking everything and shoving it in the bottom of the closet so that the room looked clean. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>You need to be clear about what the expectations are and keep them reasonable. Calmly explain the rules and what the consequences will be if the rules are broken. Kids are less likely to challenge the rules if they know up front what is going to happen. If they don’t know, they’re more likely to take the risk.</span></p>
<span>Next, you need to</span><span><strong> compliment your kids</strong>. </span><span>Far too often, parents only pay attention when their kids misbehave rather than spending time to point out all the good things their children do, no matter how microscopic. </span><strong>Notice and compliment! </strong><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>You also need to </span><strong>talk to your kids </strong><span><strong>about their feelings</strong>.</span><span> Kids have all kinds of feelings, and they’re not really sure what they all are or what to do with them. When you sit with your kids time and time again and discuss the whole range of feelings that human beings have and the alternatives to deal with them, you’re teaching them how to cope with those feelings. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>Lastly, </span><span><strong>plan ahead</strong>.</span><span> If you think in advance about how your child is going to respond to a certain situation, you can avoid that situation before it becomes an issue. </span></span><span><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span> </span>
<p dir="ltr"><span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"><strong><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! <br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/Copy of 4_09 Blog.png" alt="" /><br /><br /></em></strong></span></p>
</span>Staff2020-04-09T20:18:00Z5 Tips to Have a More Productive DayStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Tips-to-Have-a-More-Productive-Day/520067523946757735.html2020-03-30T16:35:00Z2020-03-30T16:35:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563">
<p dir="ltr"><span id="docs-internal-guid-88ee53f9-8c31-8255-5724-9f050df16e58"><span>Getting more done each day isn’t necessarily about working harder - it’s about working smarter. <br /><br />Here are 5 tips to have a more productive day:<br /><br /></span></span><br />1. <strong>Map out your day the night before.</strong> One of the best ways to have a very productive day is to make a brief list the night before of what needs to be accomplished the next day - no ifs, ands or buts. Then rearrange it in order of priority. You’re never going to get done everything you want to accomplish, but if you do things in order of priority, then you’ll be sure to get the most important things done. It also helps to do the difficult things first to get them out of the way. <br /><br />2. <strong>Get up 15-30 minutes earlier. </strong>Meditate, pray, do yoga, or make coffee and watch the sunrise. Start the day off in peace. <br /><br />3. <strong>Eliminate distractions. </strong>With cell phones and email, it’s very easy to become distracted. Focus on one thing at a time. The biggest killer of productivity is allowing distractions to distract you. <br /><br />4. <strong>Take breaks.</strong> The brain can only focus for about an hour and a half at a time. Then it goes kaputt. <br /><br />5.<strong> Celebrate a job well done.</strong> At the end of the day, reflect on what you’ve done, think about what you can do better next time, and celebrate the stuff you handled well. One thing people don’t do enough of is celebrate themselves for a job well done. </p>
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</span>Staff2020-03-30T16:35:00ZWhy You're Feeling Emotionally ExhaustedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Youre-Feeling-Emotionally-Exhausted/40779268083005168.html2020-03-19T05:40:00Z2020-03-19T05:40:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-4ef5192e-32e4-36c6-62ef-13f7c46ad3b3"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-9eecb9fd-32f3-ea06-1057-afc08631c566"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-70529d8c-3dfc-5d69-e06b-387aebabdc77">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are five of the biggest reasons we feel emotionally drained:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. We use all-or-nothing thinking.</strong><span> We have a tendency to see reality based on our emotions. However, sometimes you have to think with your head and not with your heart. Your rational mind has to question whether something is actually real or permanent. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. We engage in activities and/or relationships we know we shouldn’t be in. </strong><span>We make our lives harder trying to be someone else so that we can be accepted and deemed worthy by others.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. We focus on our weaknesses instead of our strengths. </strong><span>When you’re paralyzed by not knowing what to do, focus on what you </span><em>can</em><span> do.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. We don’t have something to look forward to. </strong><span>When you’re stressed, place something new, fun, or exciting in the future that you can look forward to.</span></p>
<strong>5. We don’t have a passion. </strong><span>Engage your mind, body, and soul in something that’s creative, productive, and enjoyable. </span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2020-03-19T05:40:00Z7 Ways to Be Your Husband's Girlfriend After You're MarriedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/7-Ways-to-Be-Your-Husbands-Girlfriend-After-Youre-Married/976615347533339113.html2020-03-03T00:01:00Z2020-03-03T00:01:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563">
<p dir="ltr"><br />Marriages die when husbands stop treating their wives like girlfriends and wives stop treating their husbands like boyfriends. Being your spouse’s boyfriend/girlfriend means treating him/her like you did in the beginning and not taking each other for granted. Today, I’m only going to focus on the wives. So ladies, listen up. Here are 7 ways to be your husband’s girlfriend after you’re married:</p>
<ol>
<li> <strong>Ask for his advice.</strong> Chances are you didn’t marry him because he was stupid - you married him because he had something to offer. Whether it’s trouble with a girlfriend, something at work, or considerations about politics, ask for his advice. Show that you respect his opinions and his ability to make decisions. It doesn’t mean you have to lockstep with him and do everything he says; it means you tap into his well of knowledge and his (perhaps) more objective perspective. Plus, men feel good when their wives come to them for advice. <br /><br /></li>
<li><strong>Take an active interest in what he does for a living. </strong>Be a sounding board for the frustrations and aggravations, and a cheering section for the successes. If you don’t, he’ll only feel more lonely and cornered in his own headspace because on top of being miserable at work, his wife doesn’t seem to care or understand. </li>
<li><strong>Brag about him.</strong> Most wives bitch about their husbands. Be the one who brags instead, both when he’s there and when he’s not around. <br /><br /></li>
<li><strong>Make mental notes about things he mentions.</strong> If he talks about wanting something in passing, make a mental note of it and make it happen. <br /><br /></li>
<li><strong>Express your admiration.</strong> Think about how you look at him. Pay attention to the tone you use when you talk to him. Men are far less verbal. It’s not just about what you say but how you say it. <br /><br /></li>
<li><strong>Be his support system.</strong> Give him plenty of support as he pursues career goals, education, and hobbies. Encourage him when he gets down. <br /><br /></li>
<li><strong>Say you’re sorry.</strong> Love is NOT about “never having to say you’re sorry.” It’s actually just the opposite. When you love someone, you hold yourself accountable, acknowledge when you’ve done something wrong, and ask for forgiveness.</li>
</ol>
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<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
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</span>Staff2020-03-03T00:01:00Z6 Relationship Red FlagsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Relationship-Red-Flags/836758232567109084.html2020-02-12T10:10:00Z2020-02-12T10:10:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Relationship red flags are usually obvious, but many women ignore them because they want to avoid the pain of a broken heart. They think to themselves:</span></p>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>“Maybe this is just happening this one time.”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>“Maybe this is just a quirk.”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>“He is a nice guy. I should just let this slide - it will get better.”</em></p>
</li>
</ul>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Stop being so foolish and living in denial because you are the one who ultimately pays the price (or if you get pregnant, an innocent kid is the one who pays the price).</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here is my list of red flags that if you see, you should immediately jump ship.</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He lies. </strong><span>It doesn’t matter what he lies about. One lie, that’s it - hit the eject button.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He doesn’t respect your wishes. </strong><span>You could say, </span><em>“I don’t want that picture on Facebook,”</em><span> and he puts it up anyway, or, </span><em>“I’m really upset that you shared this information with your buddies,”</em><span> and he continues to do so. If he keeps pushing you for anything you aren’t comfortable with, he’s gone.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He starts fights. </strong><span>Whether he picks fights with you or anyone else, it’s a bad sign that he’s constantly agitated or annoyed.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Your family and friends don’t like him. </strong><span>If your parents and close friends agree that something isn’t kosher, it probably isn’t.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He is too busy for you. </strong><span>If he is too busy for you, he probably has another girlfriend, or he doesn’t see you as important enough to take time out of his busy life. In this age of technology, it takes 2 seconds to text, and if you aren’t worth that, you aren’t worth anything to him.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He makes you feel bad. </strong>If you feel bad after interacting with him, something is seriously wrong. Courtship is not supposed to be misery.</p>
</li>
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<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_082817.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2020-02-12T10:10:00ZWhat Chivalry Looks LikeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-Chivalry-Looks-Like/-460696719713234209.html2020-01-06T23:35:00Z2020-01-06T23:35:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3be9b8d8-511a-8f50-058d-161e0e95c843"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a61738d-561b-50ce-cdd2-9bf96ca6fe14"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7c4c055e-6077-9844-558d-d657b63f895f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a00a6939-9277-709b-e266-cb4c7ca3be83"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-93fc59eb-9305-17e0-d070-d7fc05a76e00">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Chivalry is an important quality of a man’s behavior because it lets you know about his character patience, caring, and point of view. Here’s what true chivalry looks like:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He opens and holds doors for you.</strong><span> When you drive somewhere, he opens the door, takes you by the hand, and helps you in and out.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He makes sure you get home OK.</strong><span> He doesn’t just drop you off. He waits to see if you safely get inside.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He gives you his jacket when it’s cold. </strong><span>It should be hard-wired in his brain to protect you. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He cares about your opinions</strong><span><strong>. </strong>He listens to what you think and believe.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He has your back.</strong><span> When there’s an awkward situation, he’s there by your side.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He’s reliable.</strong> <span>If he says he’s going to do something, he does it.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He meets your friends and family</strong><span><strong>.</strong> He takes interest in the people close to you because he wants to know you better.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He expresses small gestures of affection</strong><span><strong>. </strong>Publicly grabbing your breasts or butt is not a gesture of affection. That’s just him showing he’s a dominant male that owns you. It’s his statement to the other men around that </span><em>“I have a big one, that’s why I have her.” </em><span>It has nothing to do with you.</span></p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
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</span>Staff2020-01-06T23:35:00ZWhere Are the Role Models?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Where-Are-the-Role-Models/916303242758585889.html2019-12-09T09:15:00Z2019-12-09T09:15:00Z<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p>With the media creating stars like Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus, kids' role models have considerably changed since I was young. I am glad I do not have little kids right now. It’s too hard to make sure they have the right influences. In my day, the kids who were on television were straight up kids. If they weren't, they were dumped. Nowadays, they’re given more salary.</p>
<p>The role models of my generation were talented, sweet, cute, and lovable like Shirley Temple, and plot lines for movies were moral. By contrast, the role models our current generation is growing up with are slime – entertainers, politicians and athletes included. It is all about getting attention and making money. That’s why you see so many videos on Facebook and YouTube of young people doing grotesque things because they think they will go viral and make them famous.</p>
<p>But before you abandon hope that your kids have no one to look up to, remember that <strong>they still have YOU. </strong></p>
<p><strong>YOU are the most important role model for your kids.</strong> If you keep your marriage together with love, affection and attention, that’s role modeling. If you talk about moral and ethical issues at the dinner table, that’s role modeling. <strong>By investing time and energy in your child’s life with the sole purpose of helping them with their future success (and not your ego), you become their role model.</strong> On the other hand, every minute of every day that your kids are with nannies, daycare centers and babysitters, you are not influencing them.</p>
<p>It is always important to be a responsible role model. Even if you have made mistakes in your past, that does not make you a hypocrite. <strong>A person who has matured, realized their mistakes and corrected them has more of a right to teach than almost anybody else.</strong> You learned from what you did, and you are passing on your knowledge to the next generation so they can learn from your mistakes.</p>
<p><strong>Success isn't measured by money or how many people like you on Facebook. It’s measured by the people whose lives you make better. </strong>That's the only reason you matter. You have to live for somebody else, or your life has no meaning. <em>That's</em> how you influence your children. Do whatever you can to be a real role model for your child so they learn how to make the right choices.</p>
<img style="border: 0; margin: 5px;" src="/images/blog/050114_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="392" /><br /><br />Staff2019-12-09T09:15:00ZWhy Losing Is Good for KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Losing-Is-Good-for-Kids/-36024192518463745.html2019-12-02T18:59:00Z2019-12-02T18:59:00Z<p><br /><br /></p>
<p>Learning how to handle winning and losing is one of the ways kids build self-esteem and develop valuable life skills. <strong>Winning instills a sense of accomplishment, and losing teaches them to strive to do better, not give up, and show sportsmanship when things don't go their way.</strong> Unfortunately, in today's "every kid gets a trophy" culture, parents have made competition take a backseat to ensuring that nobody's feelings get hurt. <br /><br /><strong>Here are six ways to help your child make the most out of winning <em>and</em> losing:</strong><br /><br /></p>
<ol> </ol>
<ul>
<li><strong>1.Have them focus on the fun.</strong> Win or lose, having fun is what matters. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>2. Teach them to strive for their personal best, not the win.</strong> Oftentimes, kids will lose interest or quit something simply because they're not winning. But a personal best should count just as much as a victory in your eyes and theirs. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>3. Help them understand that not everybody wins.</strong> There are a zillion kids out there who each want to win. You can't do it every time. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>4. Talk about the importance of sportsmanship.</strong> When they win, they should enjoy the good feeling, but also be humble about it. When they lose, they need to do it with class and without pouting, yelling, or screaming. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>5. Have them congratulate the competition after a defeat.</strong> Being able to get up, smile, and be gracious after a loss makes you feel better about it. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>6. Don't only praise them when they win.</strong> Treat the experiences of success and defeat equally. When they have a good attitude about losing, tell them how it impresses the heck out of you. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>7. Use examples.</strong> Discuss important figures who have worked hard for their successes and omit the ones who blatantly cheat. Model the behavior yourself. </li>
</ul>
<ol> </ol>
<p> </p>
<p><img src="/images/blog/100914_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></p>Staff2019-12-02T18:59:00ZTips for Getting Along with Your In-LawsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Tips-for-Getting-Along-with-Your-In-Laws/-48140455305605586.html2019-11-19T09:21:00Z2019-11-19T09:21:00Z<p><br /><br />All couples struggle with in-law issues. Why? Because adjusting to two families becoming one isn't easy. And it's usually most difficult on the women. Very rarely does anybody say, "I have a father/son-in-law from hell," because men usually stay out of the drama and aren't nearly as sensitive. <br /><br />Even though it's not always easy, good in-law relationships are doable if people make an effort to communicate and be respectful. Here's how: </p>
<ul>
<li><strong>Make an effort with both sets of families. </strong>Every family functions differently and has a unique culture. Some families are very affectionate and others aren't. Some are very involved and others aren't. Each has different rituals and traditions. But just because something is <em>different</em> doesn't make it <em>bad</em> (unless it actually is bad). <strong>You may not always agree or understand another family's dynamics and you may not be that crazy about the people in it, but everybody's family is important to them. </strong>So you need to make an effort to show respect and participate. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Be on the same page with certain expectations.</strong> Some parents are very active and always asking to do stuff. Other parents wouldn't call unless the house burned down (if that). My rule is to<strong> always ask permission: </strong></li>
</ul>
<em> "May I ____?" </em><br /><em> "Would it be OK if _____?"</em><br /><em> "What do you think about _____?"</em><br />
<ul>
<li><strong>Treat your child and their spouse like autonomous people.</strong> One of the greatest insults is to show up unannounced because it means you're not respecting them as a separate entity from you. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Separate your in-laws from your own relationship.</strong> No matter how complicated or difficult an in-law may be, remember that <strong>you are married to your spouse, not your in-laws.</strong> When your spouse's parents are difficult, show your spouse a little more affection. Don't let in-law issues hurt your marriage.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Keep communicating.</strong> If you don't like your mother-in-law trying to cook or clean when she comes over, instead of shouting, "How dare you come to my house and take over!" say something like, "I love when you come over, but I still want to do the cooking," or, "You do enough cleaning at your house, I just want you to relax." Speak calmly and act nicely.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Don't take everything personally.</strong> Remember, whatever your in-law has said, critiqued, advised, suggested, or pointed out is <strong>only an opinion</strong>. You don't have to follow it, argue with it, or take it as a stab to the heart. Just say, "That's very interesting, I'll give it some thought," and leave it at that.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Never forget that your in-laws are human beings too.</strong> Your in-laws have needs, concerns, doubts, and feelings just like you. <strong>Think about where they are coming from</strong>. If you haven't had kids, then one thing you don't understand is that as a parent, you're worried about your child's feelings until the day you're dead. You never want anybody to hurt your child, and that feeling never goes away, even when your kid gets older. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Take a breath and let things go.</strong> Daughters- and sons-in-law need to be polite and show respect.<strong> Mothers- and fathers-in-law need to be more secure in their own skin.</strong> Remember parents - <em>you are</em> older and more experienced, and if you think back to your 20s, you know it was a different story. You were insecure and took things much too personally too quickly because that's just the stage of development you were in at the time. Sometimes our sons- and daughters-in-law can say or do dumb and thoughtless things, but they are simply not as well-schooled in the universe as you are. So cut them a little slack. </li>
</ul>
<div><img src="/images/blog/101614_blog_a.jpg" alt="" /></div>
<p><br /><br /><br /><br /></p>Staff2019-11-19T09:21:00ZHow to Defeat Your Self-Destructive BehaviorStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Defeat-Your-Self-Destructive-Behavior/847015105444589545.html2019-11-06T21:26:00Z2019-11-06T21:26:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-069f9cdc-801a-33b8-4c6f-435b7dcb3429"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3bddf1e3-805e-af49-5ad7-9fb4c6bada47"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0bccc2bc-8068-0995-86cb-1cd6e0f0a821"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6a49ae8b-8071-2143-c4c9-15ff6e2c4704"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-45b08dd9-8075-f0df-aa46-ef0d097ad765"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-54521ee1-80af-84c9-8ddb-3d9599bbc482">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Everybody has self-destructive behaviors, some worse than others. Some of these behaviors include:</span></p>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Self-harm (cutting, scratching, pulling out your hair, etc.) </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Gambling </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Overeating</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Abusing drugs or alcohol</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Having risky sex</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Shopping too much </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Ignoring your health and well-being </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Refusing to take responsibility </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Thinking negatively</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Acting overly needy</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Allowing others to treat you poorly</span></p>
</li>
</ul>
<p dir="ltr"><span>In order to stop a self-destructive behavior once and for all, the first step is to </span><strong>recognize what exactly it is you are doing wrong. </strong><span>If you can’t put your finger on it, ask the people who know and love you.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Next, you have to </span><strong>ask yourself<em> why</em> the behavior is negative. </strong><span>For example,</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“Why is drinking too much bad?”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“Because it leads to blackouts, hangovers, impaired decisions, and hurting the people I love.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>You have to think about what the advantages would be to change.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Step three is to </span><strong>figure out why you do it.</strong><span> Are you trying to fit in? Do you want to feel more secure? Are you trying to distract yourself from stress, guilt, shame, or remorse? What is your trigger? Our thoughts are linked to our feelings, which are in turn, linked to our behaviors. In other words, how you see yourself in the world really dictates, to a large extent, what you’re going to feel and what you’re going to do. </span><strong>Don’t hide from your feelings. </strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Lastly, you need to </span><strong>do something about it.</strong><span> Oftentimes, fear, anger, or anxiety lead us to exaggerate the negative and spiral back into the destructive behavior. You need to </span><strong>practice thinking about the positive and narrowing the negative.</strong><span> When you do that, it’s amazing how something completely horrendous can become utterly rational.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Make small changes. </strong><span>Add a piece of fruit or a vegetable to your lunch. Do something nice for someone else. Find an activity that does more good than harm, such as writing, painting, exercising, hiking, or gardening. Join an organization that talks about higher powers if that works for you. Whatever it is, you need to replace what you were doing with something healthier.</span></p>
</span><span id="docs-internal-guid-1f0605b4-807b-8870-4772-eb45388cc91f"> </span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_100616.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2019-11-06T21:26:00ZWhat Makes Men Respect Women?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-Makes-Men-Respect-Women/436231463977933993.html2019-10-23T17:39:00Z2019-10-23T17:39:00Z<br />
<p>What's the difference between lovemaking and sex? <strong>Respect.</strong> Sex can happen with anybody at any time; lovemaking requires affection and respect. <br /><br /><strong>Respect means "to consider worthy of high or special regard."</strong> Most men don't love what they don't respect. A man will have sex with a woman, but that doesn't mean he loves her. It just means she was available. <br /><br />Too many women aren't finding love because they don't make men earn or respect them. <strong>Here's how to make a man respect you:</strong><br /><br /></p>
<ul>
<li><strong>Respect yourself.</strong> This is in no way, shape or form the same thing as "loving yourself."<strong> Respecting yourself means setting high standards for yourself and making choices that don't disrespect the life you want or who you want to be.</strong> For example, you earn no respect by having sex on the first date or shacking up. </li>
<li><strong>Act feminine.</strong> Men respect women who are feminine. That doesn't mean you can't be intelligent, hardworking or even a jock. <strong>It just means that you need to allow men to treat you like a lady</strong> (e.g. open the door for you, pull out your chair, walk on the outside of the street, pay for things, etc.). <strong>Men like to pursue and be the man in a relationship.</strong> There's a polarity of masculine and feminine, and the feminine brings the masculine out of men. </li>
<li><strong>Don't be a piece of meat.</strong> Believe it or not, as much as men want to get you on your back, you lose respect points when you give in too soon. <strong>Men need time to fall in love with you. </strong></li>
<li><strong>Be honest and have integrity.</strong> A man can't respect you if he can't trust you. Don't lie or portray yourself in a way that gives the wrong impression. </li>
<li><strong>Don't underestimate the power of your words.</strong> Men are contemptuous when they feel criticized or disrespected, and therefore, will not give respect back. Always come from a place of kindness and love, and you'll get the same in return. </li>
</ul>
<p> <br />The bottom line is,<strong> if you want a man (not a boy or bum) to love you, he needs to respect you, and that's earned by having a set of values and living by them. </strong><br /><br /><img style="margin: 5px auto; display: block; border-width: 0px;" src="/images/blog/040314_blog.jpg" alt="" width="300" height="574" /></p>Staff2019-10-23T17:39:00ZWhy We Stay in Bad RelationshipsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-We-Stay-in-Bad-Relationships/-907696455529424851.html2019-10-17T17:59:00Z2019-10-17T17:59:00Z<p><br />Why do so many people stay in bad relationships? Here are some of the most common reasons:</p>
<ul>
<li><strong>Laziness.</strong> One of the hidden benefits of staying in a bad relationship is that even though you’re miserable, at least it’s familiar. Ending a relationship means venturing out into unfamiliar and uncomfortable territory.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>Avoiding the pain of breaking up and moving on.</strong> There are few things in life that have more pain and conflict associated with them than breaking up. And the longer you’ve been with someone, the worse it is. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>Denial.</strong> Our psyches are masters of disguise and camouflage.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>Playing the martyr. </strong>A lot of people justify staying with someone because they’re trying to help or fix them. However, what they are really doing is making themselves feel needed in order to lessen their own feelings of insecurity.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>Holding onto your childhood. </strong>Many people stay in unhealthy relationships as a way to hold onto a dynamic from their childhood. For more on this topic, read my book, <em>Bad Childhood – Good Life</em>. <em> </em></li>
</ul>
<p>So, how do you break free from a bad relationship? Just ask yourself this simple “yes or no” question:</p>
<p><strong><em>Is this something I am willing to live with for the next 20 years?</em></strong></p>
<p>You must decide what you can and cannot live with, set that as a boundary, and then defend it. That’s where most people get lazy because <strong>it means breaking habits, doing something new and different, and taking responsibility for your own life.</strong></p>
<p>I know that change is scary. Nobody thinks it’s fun to throw their lives into chaos and uncertainty. Nobody wants to have to date again, put themselves at the mercy of somebody else’s expectations, and kiss a lot of frogs before one turns into a prince. However, you only have one life to live, so don’t waste it. <strong>Spending time with the wrong person is never better than being alone.</strong></p>
<p><strong>Remember, when you give up the bad but familiar and allow yourself to do something new and uncomfortable, the uncomfortable eventually will become familiar and, therefore, comfortable.</strong><strong> </strong></p>
<p><img src="/images/blog/080714_blog.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2019-10-17T17:59:00ZDr. Laura's Guide to Achieving Your GoalsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Lauras-Guide-to-Achieving-Your-Goals/66153828934720109.html2019-10-10T19:54:00Z2019-10-10T19:54:00Z<br /><br />We all have goals in life. For some, it's learning a creative skill we've always been interested in. For others, it's starting our own business from the ground up. No matter the varying degrees or difficulties of achieving your goal, each venture requires the same foundation in order to be successful. <br /><br /><strong>Don't aim at the goal - aim <em>past</em> the goal </strong><br />When I was in martial arts, I was required to break a board with my foot in order to advance to the next belt level. This test is put in place not to simply break the wood, but to master the concept of how you go about breaking it. If you aim at the wood, you'll just spend all day kicking at the same spot and tiring yourself out. Instead, you have to focus beyond the wood - beyond your goal - which allows you to carry your momentum forward. <br /><br /><strong>Never set a goal as a wall</strong><br />Some people make all-or-nothing statements such as, "I am going to lose 10 pounds." However, the problem with this false mindset is that it makes you focus solely on the results rather than the process (i.e. "If I achieve my goal, then I will be happy"). Instead, <strong>set your goals as an ongoing experience</strong> where you can experiment, have fun, learn, and most importantly, be yourself.<br /><br /><strong>Stop procrastinating</strong><br />Don't waste your life overanalyzing or giving in to your fears. <strong>The best time to take action is <em>now</em></strong>. Don't start tomorrow - start yesterday! <br /><br /><strong>Be willing to make sacrifices </strong><br />If you want to achieve your goals, you have to make sacrifices. That means you need to push yourself and do what's hard instead of what's convenient, comfortable, or immediately gratifying. <br /><br /><strong>Make a plan </strong><br />Don't stand around waiting for opportunities to come to you - you have to seek them out. Stop talking about all the things you want to do, and come up with an actual concrete plan of action. <strong>Plan your day with respect to your goals.</strong><br /><br /><strong>Ask for help</strong><br />Turn to people who know what they're doing. Don't be ashamed, embarrassed, or uncomfortable. There are a lot of gracious people out there willing to help you learn. All you have to do is ask. <br /><br /><strong>Don't lose heart</strong><br />Some days, everything will seem to collapse on itself and nothing will go right. That's going to happen. Don't give up! By keeping enthusiasm in your heart and following through, you will accomplish what you set out to do. <br /><br />For more tips on how to achieve (and surpass) your goals, check out <a href="http://www.lifehack.org/articles/productivity/15-reasons-why-you-cant-achieve-your-goals.html" target="_blank">this excellent article</a>.<br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/051415_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br />Staff2019-10-10T19:54:00ZWhy Losing Is Good for KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Losing-Is-Good-for-Kids/-17303521251730876.html2019-10-02T19:10:00Z2019-10-02T19:10:00Z<p><br /><br /></p>
<p>Learning how to handle winning and losing is one of the ways kids build self-esteem and develop valuable life skills. <strong>Winning instills a sense of accomplishment, and losing teaches them to strive to do better, not give up, and show sportsmanship when things don't go their way.</strong> Unfortunately, in today's "every kid gets a trophy" culture, parents have made competition take a backseat to ensuring that nobody's feelings get hurt. <br /><br /><strong>Here are six ways to help your child make the most out of winning <em>and</em> losing:</strong><br /><br /></p>
<ol>
<li><strong>Have them focus on the fun.</strong> Win or lose, having fun is what matters. </li>
<li><strong>Teach them to strive for their personal best, not the win.</strong> Oftentimes, kids will lose interest or quit something simply because they're not winning. But a personal best should count just as much as a victory in your eyes and theirs. </li>
<li><strong>Help them understand that not everybody wins.</strong> There are a zillion kids out there who each want to win. You can't do it every time. </li>
<li><strong>Talk about the importance of sportsmanship.</strong> When they win, they should enjoy the good feeling, but also be humble about it. When they lose, they need to do it with class and without pouting, yelling, or screaming. </li>
<li><strong>Have them congratulate the competition after a defeat.</strong> Being able to get up, smile, and be gracious after a loss makes you feel better about it. </li>
<li><strong>Don't only praise them when they win.</strong> Treat the experiences of success and defeat equally. When they have a good attitude about losing, tell them how it impresses the heck out of you. </li>
<li><strong>Use examples.</strong> Discuss important figures who have worked hard for their successes and omit the ones who blatantly cheat. Model the behavior yourself. </li>
</ol>
<p> </p>
<p><img src="/images/blog/100914_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></p>Staff2019-10-02T19:10:00ZBeing There for a Sick Friend or Family MemberStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Being-There-for-a-Sick-Friend-or-Family-Member/90988057912623392.html2019-09-25T18:35:00Z2019-09-25T18:35:00Z<br />When a friend is diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, it can be one of the most horrible experiences in your life. You may not know what to say or do, or what your obligations are. On top of that, it reminds you of your own mortality. One of the reasons many people feel uncomfortable about going to visit a friend or family member in the hospital is that it reacquaints them with the fact that they may be next in line. <br /><br />But no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel, you have to remember that it's not about you. Here are some tips for visiting a friend or family member in the hospital:<br />
<ul>
<li><strong>Show up. </strong>Don't make excuses about not having anything to say. There is nothing you can say or do that will change anything, but being there will make them feel better.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Don't text or email.</strong> The weeniest thing you can do is text or email. A phone call is great. Skyping is even better. </li>
<br />
<li>If you can't see them, <strong>drop off a little gift, memento or photograph so that they know you are thinking about them. </strong>Keep it small, simple and sweet. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Knock.</strong> Even if the door is wide open, knock or peek around the corner. Just because they are sick doesn't mean they aren't entitled to some dignity. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>If they are sleeping, let them sleep. </strong>Sit and read, or go get a cup of coffee. If you can't stay, leave a note saying something cute and that you'll be back another time. (And then actually come back another time). </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Wash your hands or use sanitizer before you go in and after you leave.</strong> </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Respect their privacy.</strong> If they need to use the restroom or the nurse or doctor comes in, wait outside. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Keep the visit short (about 15 minutes, unless they ask you to stay longer). </strong></li>
<br />
<li><strong>Share a laugh.</strong> Humor never hurt anyone. <strong>The worst thing you can do is say nothing.</strong></li>
<br />
<li><strong>If they have a caretaker, volunteer to give that person a break for a few hours. </strong></li>
</ul>
Just about everyone out there knows someone who isn't feeling well, so I expect that by the end of the day you make contact with them.
<p><br /><img style="border: 0; margin: 5px;" src="/images/blog/041714_blog(2).jpg" alt="" width="450" height="400" /></p>Staff2019-09-25T18:35:00ZAre You Ready to Have a Baby?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Are-You-Ready-to-Have-a-Baby/71157729746208533.html2019-09-18T17:58:00Z2019-09-18T17:58:00ZI want to preface this list by saying that it may upset some of you philosophically. But frankly, I don't care. Why? Because I don't care about<em> your </em>feelings. I<em> only</em> care about what is in a <em>child's</em> best interest.<br /><br />Here are eight signs you're ready to be a parent: <br /><br />
<blockquote><strong>1. You are married. </strong>The optimal condition for a child is having a mom and dad who are happily and healthily married. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that a single man or woman can't be a good parent. I'm not saying that a gay person can't be a good parent. I'm just saying that the <em>optimal</em> condition for a child is having both a mother and a father. Anything else is not optimal - it's what <em>you</em> want. And again, I don't care about what you want. I only care about what a<em> child</em> needs, and kids' needs haven't changed since human beings have been around. <strong><br /><br />2. You are prepared to live on one income. </strong>Either you or your spouse needs to be around to love, nurture and influence your own kid. If you can't or don't want to do this, then don't make babies. <strong><br /><br />3. You are not an emotional wreck.</strong> If you're an emotional wreck before having kids, then the challenges of having a baby are really going to put you over the edge. If you struggle with depression, anxiety or self-image issues, then don't have kids. A child needs parents who are reasonably healthy and stable, not bouncing off the walls. Trust me - the first week alone is enough to challenge the abilities of Thor.<strong><br /><br />4. You have a home. </strong>It doesn't matter if it's a house, apartment or condo. It just needs to be safe and secure. One or two moves normally happen in most people's lives, but moving around a lot deprives kids of a sense of stability and continuity. <br /><br /><strong>5. You don't feel like killing your spouse on a daily basis.</strong> If you and your spouse don't see eye-to-eye on most things or can't negotiate through tough decisions, then don't make babies. Parents need to be a team. If one of you permits everything and the other permits nothing, it will not only mess up your kids, but it will destroy your marriage. <br /><br /><strong>6. You have the support of your friends and family.</strong> It makes parenting much easier. <strong><br /><br />7. You are happy with what you've accomplished in life so far. </strong>The early years of parenthood are all-consuming to the point that you have to make appointments with your own tush to go to the bathroom. Whether it's professional or creative, you're going to have a big dip in productivity because you won't be able to do as much as you used to. You need to have a sense of accomplishment under your belt already so that when you hit your dry spell, you are not resentful of your kids. <strong><br /><br />8. You really want a baby</strong>. Don't do it because your spouse wants one or you think you ought to want one.</blockquote>
<br />
<p><img style="border: 0; margin: 5px;" src="/images/blog/042414_blog.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="388" /><br /><br /></p>Staff2019-09-18T17:58:00Z3 Things to Think About Before Confronting SomeoneStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/3-Things-to-Think-About-Before-Confronting-Someone/-611003282604849790.html2019-09-09T17:17:00Z2019-09-09T17:17:00Z<br /><br />Confrontations are absolutely necessary. When problems arise, you have to resolve them. You can't let things fester and then blow up at someone – that's not fair. <br /><br />However, most people go about confrontations all wrong. They either scream and yell a lot, or they are so terrified of not being liked that they don't stand up for themselves. A healthy confrontation is voicing a disagreement or problem with the intent of resolving it and making you and the other person better for it. <br /><br />Here are three things to consider before confronting someone:<br /><br /><strong>1. Don't do it when you're in a nutcase mood.</strong><br /><br /><strong>2. Make sure your anger has to do with them.</strong> A lot of times we blow up at people because of our own baggage rather than something they have actually done. <br /><br /><strong>3. Think about what you want them to do.</strong> You need to tell the person <em>what you want to have happen</em>, <strong>NOT</strong> what you don't want to have happen. For example, telling your spouse, "When you come home, I don't want you to walk through the door and ignore me," is backwards. Instead say, "When you come home, I yearn for you to greet me." Confrontations are essentially positive manipulations. If someone at work always leaves their dirty cup in the sink, you can either rip them apart by saying they're a slob and you’re tired of it, or you can get a communal dish rack and tell them, "I realize there really wasn't a good way for everyone to do their dishes, so I got this rack. Now when people wash their cups, there's a nice rack for everyone to put their cups on." The person is more likely going to put their cup on that brand new rack. <br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/blog_102915.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="400" /><br /><br />Staff2019-09-09T17:17:00ZHow to Stop Being a Procrastination ProStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Stop-Being-a-Procrastination-Pro/548163908158106581.html2019-08-30T17:34:00Z2019-08-30T17:34:00Z<br /><br />Procrastination is a big problem which causes you to waste your life and opportunities. I think there are a lot of people who are always going to be procrastinators, just like anything else. Why? Because not everyone is willing to make the effort. <br /><br />In order to change, you have to take risks and feel uncomfortable. Many people don't want to do either. I'm sure you've heard callers a million times on my show who say they've been going to therapy for 15, 20, and 25 years, but it hasn't helped. Unless you are willing to take risks and be uncomfortable, you are wasting your time and money in therapy. <br /><br />So, for those of you who <em>are</em> willing to take risks and be uncomfortable, I have some helpful tips to stop procrastinating:<br /><br /><strong>Create your own workspace</strong><br /><br />Whether it's the corner of the room, garage, basement, attic, or closet, convert a space into a small workspace. Have your very own special environment that makes you feel relaxed. <br /><br /><strong>Clean and organize your workspace</strong><br /><br />The day before I start any big project, I completely clean and organize my workspace. That makes the space look inviting and comfortable, and transforms whatever I have to do into something easier to confront. Make this a ritual. Throughout human history, rituals have helped us face things, whether it's applying war paint or straightening up your area. <br /><br /><strong>Break it up into smaller steps </strong><br /><br />Sometimes when you have to get something done, it may seem like climbing a humongous, overwhelming mountain. Take it one step at a time. Try to divide your task up into about 10 smaller steps. Then do 1-3 in one sitting, 4-6 in another, etc. Doing things in smaller steps is not procrastination; it's making a strategy that you have created yourself. <br /><br /><strong>Set a specific timeline</strong> <br /><br />By Thursday, you need to have ____ done. By Saturday, you must have ____ done. Etc. <br /><br /><strong>Eliminate distractions</strong><br /><br />Don't text or email while you're trying to focus. Don't punctuate your work with all of those little detours. <br /><br /><strong>Look to your friends </strong><br /><br />Being around go-getters and hard workers is very inspiring. Maybe your buddy can do something with you, such as walks, squats, or push-ups. Even if you don't have the same goals, you can always check in with each other and hold each other accountable. <br /><br /><strong>Talk to someone who has done it before</strong><br /><br />Before you start anything new, it's good to speak with somebody who has done it before. Ask them what it was like. Oftentimes, something that was initially scary will now seem doable. <br /><br />Just do it<br /><br />Overcomplicating or overanalyzing something to death is a common escape. It doesn't have to be perfect - just do it.<br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/blog_100115.jpg" alt="" /><br /><br />Staff2019-08-30T17:34:00ZThe Price of PromiscuityStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Price-of-Promiscuity/-559932385063803724.html2019-08-22T17:03:00Z2019-08-22T17:03:00Z<p><br /><br />When I was little, I was brought up with stories like George Washington chopping down the cherry tree and "The Boy Who Cried Wolf." But nowadays, the new cultural norm is no morality. Our kids are growing up in an atmosphere where you can lie and be promiscuous and still be president (i.e. Clinton), and the words "'til death do us part" don't mean much anymore. The problem is, young people are going with that flow and then ending up depressed when they realize that nobody gives a damn about them with their clothes on. <br /><br />Believe it or not, promiscuity actually does have some good points attached to it:</p>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: 12px;"><strong>Nobody can control you</strong> if you go through sexual partners like hairdos.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12px;"><strong>Nobody can hurt you or let you down</strong> if you don't stay around long enough to let them. </span></li>
<li><strong><span style="font-size: 12px;">You don't owe anybody anything. </span></strong></li>
<li><strong><span style="font-size: 12px;">You're not responsible to anyone. </span></strong></li>
</ul>
<p>That's why so many college girls these days are hooking up. If your career is the most important thing, then the concepts of love, marriage and kids must not matter. <br /><br />Unfortunately, these so-called "benefits" come at a very high cost to your physical and mental health:</p>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: 12px;">Increased possibility of <strong>sexually transmitted diseases, cervical and oral cancer</strong>, and <strong>unwanted pregnancy. </strong></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12px;"><strong>Violence and abuse.</strong> A lot of men have equal disrespect for women who have little respect for themselves.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12px;"><strong>Depression.</strong> Promiscuity can be a symptom of depression, but it also causes it.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12px;"><strong>Psychological and emotional trauma. </strong>The feeling of being wanted in the moment is followed by feelings of worthlessness. After a while of waking up in the morning not knowing where you are and who you are with, you feel lost.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12px;"><strong>Making riskier choices. </strong> Similar to alcohol or any other drug, once the buzz goes away, you need to do it again or even escalate the dose. </span></li>
</ul>
<p><br /> <img src="/images/blog/blog_091914.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2019-08-22T17:03:00ZWhy Getting Over an Ex Is So HardStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Getting-Over-an-Ex-Is-So-Hard/359524976191047115.html2019-08-16T16:41:00Z2019-08-16T16:41:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb">
<p dir="ltr"><span><br />Why does it seem so difficult to get over someone, even if you know that he or she was bad for you? Here are four of the biggest reasons:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. You refuse to let go. </strong><span>Even if the relationship was crappy, you were emotionally invested. You were dependent on it, needy of it, and filled by it in some way. It was a huge part of your identity and security. However, you can’t swim to the other side of the pool unless you let go of the side you’re on. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. You would rather have the devil you know. </strong><span>Whatever is familiar, even if it’s horrible, is more comfortable than anticipating the unfamiliar. That’s why it feels easier and more secure to stay in a rotten situation.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. You won’t take off the rose-colored glasses. </strong><span>You allow a few nice moments or characteristics to minimize all the bad. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span> </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. You want closure. </strong><span>You think that if only he or she would explain what happened, then you could let go. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. You would find a way to argue with it, deny it, or manipulate it. Basically, you would do just about anything </span><em>but </em><span>use it to move on. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>If you have been hanging on to an ex, I strongly recommend that you go into therapy because at some point, it’s no longer about the relationship - it’s about your neediness. We are all needy, but you have to address that neediness in a healthy way.</span></p>
</span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_112916.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2019-08-16T16:41:00ZHow to Deal with RejectionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Deal-with-Rejection/572409611058107317.html2019-08-08T17:38:00Z2019-08-08T17:38:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f3d758b7-3f7d-9d16-124e-25e37b8443a1">
<p dir="ltr"><span><br />One of the biggest reasons people struggle with rejection is they grew up in a family that ignored, discouraged, or discounted their emotions:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“You’re not smart.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“You’re not interesting.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“You’re not accomplished.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“You’re not confident.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“You’re not fun.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“You’re not likable.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“You’re not lovable.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“You’re not good.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“You’re not beautiful.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“You’re not fit.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“You’re not disciplined.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“You’re not (fill in the blank).”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>When you are built insecure, you expect to be abandoned or rejected.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>However, rejection is a part of life. It’s ugly, painful, frightening, and disappointing, but we can’t avoid it. We can only re-frame it.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Think about it this way: all rejection means is that you tried something. A lot of times people will reject you for reasons that don’t necessarily have anything to do with you.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>For example, I remember when I first started in radio 40 years ago as a co-host on somebody else’s show once a week. The first day, a woman called in and completely lambasted me. I was devastated and humiliated.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>However, nine months later, almost to the day, the same woman called back and apologized to me on air. She said, </span><em>“I’ve been listening to you, and you do have something to say. I apologize for what I did.”</em></p>
<span><em>So remember, rejection doesn’t mean your life is over.</em></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_091916.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span> </span>Staff2019-08-08T17:38:00ZCompliments Men Love to HearStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Compliments-Men-Love-to-Hear/644344575054943780.html2019-07-31T18:08:00Z2019-07-31T18:08:00Z<em><br /></em>
<p>Everyone loves to be complimented. When is the last time you complimented your man? <br /><br /></p>
<ol>
<li><strong>"I love being your wife."</strong> Men love knowing that their wives are happy and satisfied about being married to them. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>"You are a great dad."</strong> Take time out in front of the kids to compliment him. Tell the kids why he's so special to you and to the world.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>"You're hot."</strong> We always think of women as the gender that is into looks, but guys are the same way. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>"I respect you."</strong> Your average guy would rather hear, "I respect you," than "I love you." If you're always questioning or criticizing his decisions, it implies that you don't think he makes good decisions, which means you don't respect him (and that's devastating). </li>
<br />
<li><strong>"I love how you provide for our family." </strong>Men take great pride in providing for their families. So let him know how much you appreciate it. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>"Can you help me with _______?"</strong> Guys like to be problem-solvers. So when you ask for their help, they feel admired and appreciated. </li>
</ol>
<p><br />For more tips, read my book<em>, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060520620/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0060520620&linkCode=as2&tag=wwwdrlauracom-20&linkId=5AWR3PAVKGV2KTFV" target="_blank">The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands</a>.<br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/042315_blog.jpg" alt="" /> </em></p>Staff2019-07-31T18:08:00ZWhat Makes Men Respect Women?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-Makes-Men-Respect-Women/-820416513559651351.html2019-07-24T17:45:00Z2019-07-24T17:45:00Z<br />
<p>What's the difference between lovemaking and sex? <strong>Respect.</strong> Sex can happen with anybody at any time; lovemaking requires affection and respect. <br /><br /><strong>Respect means "to consider worthy of high or special regard."</strong> Most men don't love what they don't respect. A man will have sex with a woman, but that doesn't mean he loves her. It just means she was available. <br /><br />Too many women aren't finding love because they don't make men earn or respect them. <strong>Here's how to make a man respect you:</strong><br /><br /></p>
<ul>
<li><strong>Respect yourself.</strong> This is in no way, shape or form the same thing as "loving yourself."<strong> Respecting yourself means setting high standards for yourself and making choices that don't disrespect the life you want or who you want to be.</strong> For example, you earn no respect by having sex on the first date or shacking up. </li>
<li><strong>Act feminine.</strong> Men respect women who are feminine. That doesn't mean you can't be intelligent, hardworking or even a jock. <strong>It just means that you need to allow men to treat you like a lady</strong> (e.g. open the door for you, pull out your chair, walk on the outside of the street, pay for things, etc.). <strong>Men like to pursue and be the man in a relationship.</strong> There's a polarity of masculine and feminine, and the feminine brings the masculine out of men. </li>
<li><strong>Don't be a piece of meat.</strong> Believe it or not, as much as men want to get you on your back, you lose respect points when you give in too soon. <strong>Men need time to fall in love with you. </strong></li>
<li><strong>Be honest and have integrity.</strong> A man can't respect you if he can't trust you. Don't lie or portray yourself in a way that gives the wrong impression. </li>
<li><strong>Don't underestimate the power of your words.</strong> Men are contemptuous when they feel criticized or disrespected, and therefore, will not give respect back. Always come from a place of kindness and love, and you'll get the same in return. </li>
</ul>
<p> <br />The bottom line is,<strong> if you want a man (not a boy or bum) to love you, he needs to respect you, and that's earned by having a set of values and living by them. </strong><br /><br /><img style="margin: 5px auto; display: block; border-width: 0px;" src="/images/blog/040314_blog.jpg" alt="" width="300" height="574" /></p>Staff2019-07-24T17:45:00Z10 Bad Habits That Hurt RelationshipsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/10-Bad-Habits-That-Hurt-Relationships/576746253256875059.html2019-07-17T16:58:00Z2019-07-17T16:58:00Z<br /><br />Every relationship goes through ups and downs, but if you're chronically doing these <a href="http://greatist.com/happiness/20-bad-habits-could-hurt-your-relationship" target="_blank">behaviors</a>, you are sure to hurt your relationship: <br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Trying to improve him/her. </strong>People are who they are. Sure, sometimes there are changes in actions or behavior, but for the most part, someone's character and personality is relatively consistent. <strong>If you are constantly trying to improve someone, they are going to feel criticized, unappreciated, unloved, and disrespected</strong>, which doesn't make them feel warm and cuddly towards you. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Finding faults with their family.</strong> Unless it's something dangerous or destructive, <strong>deal with it, and stop nitpicking at the minutia</strong>. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Fighting.</strong> Never yell, scream, or name-call in public. Nobody is going to care about you if you humiliate them in a public venue, whether they know the people around them or not. As a matter of fact, <strong>don't fight at all</strong>. You can disagree or have conflicts, but don't fight. <strong>Fighting is all about trying to hurt the other person. If you want someone to listen to you, all you have to do is give them points for their point of view</strong>. Say, "I see your point," or, "I see what you're saying." Then see if you can add something to it.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Holding grudges. </strong>Everyone screws up, makes mistakes, and has moods - you included. Don't hold grudges, give the silent treatment, or be mean and vicious as payback.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Timing. </strong>If you want to talk about something significant, wait for a good time, not right when they come home tired or just before a party. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Keeping score.</strong> A relationship is not a competition. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Being melodramatic. </strong>It's not the end of the world if X, Y, or Z doesn't happen. Try to be a little more even-tempered and not exaggerate the emotionality of the moment. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Mistrusting. </strong>Nobody should be in a relationship (much less a marriage) if they are insecure. And what's the biggest indication of insecurity? Jealousy. <strong>If you have issues with jealousy or insecurity, you need help, not a relationship. </strong></li>
<br />
<li><strong>Doing <em>everything</em> together.</strong> Everyone needs some time to themselves. Having separate hobbies and friends enhances your relationship.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Taking them for granted.</strong> Put in the effort on a daily basis to show how important they are to you by <strong>paying attention and showing gratitude</strong>. </li>
</ol><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/050715_blog.jpg" alt="" />Staff2019-07-17T16:58:00ZThe Difference Between Helping and EnablingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Difference-Between-Helping-and-Enabling/-620471004874541185.html2019-07-08T19:19:00Z2019-07-08T19:19:00Z<p style="text-align: left;"><br />Unconditional love is such an amazing non-reality. Why? Because <strong>"unconditional" love means you don't make judgments</strong>, which are absolutely necessary. <strong>We have to discern right from wrong, good from evil, and sacred from profane.</strong> And one of the judgments we all have to make at one time or another is the difference between helping and enabling.</p>
<p>Doing a nice thing for someone or helping out occasionally is one thing, but when a person is capable and their responsibilities are handled for them all the time, they are not held responsible. <strong>Enabling protects them from the consequences of their choices and actions. And the more you let them depend on you and take you for granted, the less motivated they are to change.</strong></p>
<p>Now let's talk about the enabler. There's a payoff for everything in life or else we wouldn't do it. The enabler enables because it gives them a false sense of superiority and makes them feel needed. They also feel control over the other person (through guilt) by helping them. However, they ironically still end up feeling resentful, frustrated, or unappreciated.</p>
<p>Real love for somebody is being able to step back and allow them to suffer enough to recognize their need to change. That's the only way to help make them a whole human being again.</p>
<p><strong>Here are some <a href="http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/tips_to_stop_enabling" target="_blank">tips</a> to help you stop being an enabler:</strong></p>
<ul>
<li><strong><em>Don't lie for anyone.</em></strong> Don't be the wife who gets on the phone and says her husband is sick when he's hungover.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong><em>Don't make excuses for others when they don't fulfill their obligations</em></strong>. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong><em>Don't clean up after a substance abuser. </em></strong>They should see the damage they've done and the chaos they've caused. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong><em>Be accountable for your bills only</em></strong>. If you're not responsible for it, don't pay it. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong><em>Stand up for yourself</em></strong>. You don't have to be mean, but you do have to put your foot down.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong><em>Don't rescue</em></strong>. A person must suffer the consequences of their actions. Which means don't pay for lawyers or post bail.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong><em>Stop trying to fix everybody</em></strong>. You're not a magician and you're not God. Work on yourself. Get the support of friends, family members and counselors. Join Al-Anon or some other 12-step program. Do whatever it takes to stop yourself from hurting somebody else with your notion of helping. </li>
</ul>
<p><img style="border: 0; margin: 5px;" src="/images/blog/032714_blog_fb.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="334" /></p>Staff2019-07-08T19:19:00Z7 Things Men Find Attractive in a WomanStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/7-Things-Men-Find-Attractive-in-a-Woman/-933717006333009182.html2019-07-01T20:00:00Z2019-07-01T20:00:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. She is really passionate about something in her life.</strong><span> It could be rescuing cats or growing vegetables in the inner city. By having a passion for something, he gains respect for you, and you demonstrate some depth. It also gives him an opportunity to do special things for you. For example, he could bring some fertilizer and help you garden.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. She has a sense of humor. </strong><span>If you make him laugh, you already have a piece of his heart.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. She is decisive, but not pushy. </strong><span>Men like to support, help, and rescue damsels in distress, but they don’t want a totally distressed damsel all of the time.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. She notices the small things. </strong><span>Appreciating the little things makes a very big difference.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span> </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>5. She is kind</strong><span><strong>. </strong>You can be beautiful and sexy, but if you’re not kind, the relationship is going to quickly wear thin.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span> </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>6. She likes his friends.</strong><span> You get along with his friends and aren’t jealous of them. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span> </span></p>
<strong>7. She is happy.</strong><span> Granted, it’s impossible to be satisfied and happy all of the time, but if you’re typically not happy, that’s not going to be attractive.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_111516.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2019-07-01T20:00:00ZThe Price of PromiscuityStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Price-of-Promiscuity/-427105631970411852.html2019-06-24T17:59:00Z2019-06-24T17:59:00Z<p><br /><br />When I was little, I was brought up with stories like George Washington chopping down the cherry tree and "<em><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Boy_Who_Cried_Wolf" target="_blank">The Boy Who Cried Wolf.</a></em>" But nowadays, the new cultural norm is no morality. Our kids are growing up in an atmosphere where you can lie and be promiscuous and still be president (i.e. Clinton), and the words "<em>'til death do us part</em>" don't mean much anymore. The problem is, young people are going with that flow and then ending up depressed when they realize that nobody gives a damn about them with their clothes on. <br /><br />Believe it or not, promiscuity actually does have some good points attached to it:</p>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: 12px;"><strong>Nobody can control you</strong> if you go through sexual partners like hairdos.</span></li>
<br />
<li><span style="font-size: 12px;"><strong>Nobody can hurt you or let you down</strong> if you don't stay around long enough to let them. </span></li>
<br />
<li><strong><span style="font-size: 12px;">You don't owe anybody anything. </span></strong></li>
<br />
<li><strong><span style="font-size: 12px;">You're not responsible to anyone. </span></strong></li>
<br />
</ul>
<p>That's why so many college girls these days are hooking up. If your career is the most important thing, then the concepts of love, marriage and kids must not matter. <br /><br />Unfortunately, these so-called <em>"benefits</em>" come at a very high cost to your physical and mental health:</p>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: 12px;">Increased possibility of <strong>sexually transmitted diseases, cervical and oral cancer</strong>, and <strong>unwanted pregnancy. </strong></span></li>
<br />
<li><span style="font-size: 12px;"><strong>Violence and abuse.</strong> A lot of men have equal disrespect for women who have little respect for themselves.</span></li>
<br />
<li><span style="font-size: 12px;"><strong>Depression.</strong> Promiscuity can be a symptom of depression, but it also causes it.</span></li>
<br />
<li><span style="font-size: 12px;"><strong>Psychological and emotional trauma. </strong>The feeling of being wanted in the moment is followed by feelings of worthlessness. After a while of waking up in the morning not knowing where you are and who you are with, you feel lost.</span></li>
<br />
<li><span style="font-size: 12px;"><strong>Making riskier choices. </strong> Similar to alcohol or any other drug, once the buzz goes away, you need to do it again or even escalate the dose. </span></li>
</ul>
<p><br /> <img src="/images/blog/blog_091914.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2019-06-24T17:59:00ZWhy Getting Over an Ex Is So HardStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Getting-Over-an-Ex-Is-So-Hard/827631253955512288.html2019-06-12T17:41:00Z2019-06-12T17:41:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb">
<p dir="ltr"><span><br />Why does it seem so difficult to get over someone, even if you know that he or she was bad for you? Here are four of the biggest reasons:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. You refuse to let go. </strong><span>Even if the relationship was crappy, you were emotionally invested. You were dependent on it, needy of it, and filled by it in some way. It was a huge part of your identity and security. However, you can’t swim to the other side of the pool unless you let go of the side you’re on. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. You would rather have the devil you know. </strong><span>Whatever is familiar, even if it’s horrible, is more comfortable than anticipating the unfamiliar. That’s why it feels easier and more secure to stay in a rotten situation.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. You won’t take off the rose-colored glasses. </strong><span>You allow a few nice moments or characteristics to minimize all the bad. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span> </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. You want closure. </strong><span>You think that if only he or she would explain what happened, then you could let go. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. You would find a way to argue with it, deny it, or manipulate it. Basically, you would do just about anything </span><em>but </em><span>use it to move on. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>If you have been hanging on to an ex, I strongly recommend that you go into therapy because at some point, it’s no longer about the relationship - it’s about your neediness. We are all needy, but you have to address that neediness in a healthy way.</span></p>
</span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_112916.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2019-06-12T17:41:00Z11 Rules for Dating After a DivorceStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/11-Rules-for-Dating-After-a-Divorce/89253775983860402.html2019-06-05T17:50:00Z2019-06-05T17:50:00Z<div><strong><br /></strong></div>
<ol>
<li><strong>Expand your brain with self-awareness</strong>. See a therapist. Find out how and why your marriage went south. Otherwise, you’re probably going to do the same thing all over again</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Don’t rush into things</strong>. Don’t jump into the first bed or the first heart of the first person who’s nice to you because it makes your ego feel better. That’s a really bad idea. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Don’t blame all women or all men for what you went through</strong>. Let’s be honest – some of what you went through was your own damn fault. You didn’t pay attention, you didn’t handle things with honesty and courage, and you got stuck the way you got stuck.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Keep your responsibilities in order</strong>. After a divorce, many people tend to do nutty things. But you have responsibilities to other people, places and things. Keep them organized.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Don’t be desperate</strong>. Desperation leads to settling and failed relationships. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Don’t date with minor children</strong>. Your kids don’t need any more drama. They don’t need any more people to get attached to and wave goodbye to. They don’t need your emotional stress from the ups and downs of a romance.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Get some single friends</strong>. Hanging around with your married friends all the time is going to be a burden on them. Give them a break and start developing friendships with other singles.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Start dating outside of your norm</strong>. Your little fantasy world is what got you screwed in the first place. If you keep dating alcoholics, it’s because you’re too scared to be with someone healthy. Do something that scares you.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Don’t complain about your ex, especially on dates. Act like a grownup.</strong> <strong>Appreciate being single</strong>. Take the time to grow, make new friends, try new things, and develop yourself. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Before you get remarried, spend at least two years getting to know someone and attend nine months of premarital counseling</strong>. Just like when you buy a car, do your due diligence. That way if someone’s a lemon, you’ll find them out. </li>
</ol>
<div><br /><br /></div>
<div><img src="/images/blog/082114_blog.jpg" alt="" /></div>
<br />
<p> </p>Staff2019-06-05T17:50:00ZFive Roots of Anger ProblemsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Five-Roots-of-Anger-Problems/836632190021514090.html2019-05-29T18:45:00Z2019-05-29T18:45:00Z<p><br /><br />Anger is a normal human reaction to hurt, embarrassment, shame or betrayal. However, anger becomes a problem when it is continual, irrational and/or out of control. Here are some of the main ways people develop anger problems:<br /><br /></p>
<ol>
<li><strong>Witnessing your parents.</strong> When children see their parents yelling, screaming, berating, hitting or shoving, they copy that behavior because they think losing one's temper is an acceptable and normal reaction. They tend to identify with the perpetrator instead of the victim because they witness how anger gives the perpetrator power. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Stress.</strong> Human beings can only handle so much. When you've got more things on your plate than you can fit in your day, angry feelings well up. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Fear. </strong>Ever seen a cat backed up against a wall, arching his spine, hissing, and preparing to pull out his claws? Although he may seem angry, he's actually scared out of his mind. When something is too hurtful, overwhelming or terrifying, many people turn to anger as a self-defense mechanism. Guys especially don't want to admit it when they are hurt, sad, lonely, or grieving because it makes them look weak. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Lack of sleep.</strong> Not getting enough sleep is a sure recipe for feeling edgy and irritable because your brain can't chemically or physiologically cope with it.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Medication.</strong> Being over-medicated or taking the wrong kind of medication can make you angry. </li>
</ol>
<p><strong>*Tip:</strong> The next time you are about to do or say something out of anger, ask yourself, "Would I behave this way towards a nun or police officer?" Most likely, your answer will be "no."<br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/090914_blog_fb.jpg" alt="" /> </p>Staff2019-05-29T18:45:00ZAre You in an Unbalanced Relationship?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Are-You-in-an-Unbalanced-Relationship/28293011333645416.html2019-05-22T19:05:00Z2019-05-22T19:05:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-069f9cdc-801a-33b8-4c6f-435b7dcb3429">
<p dir="ltr"><span><br />Every relationship cannot be 100 percent balanced. Just because you’re willing to babysit your friend’s kids doesn’t mean she’s obligated to babysit yours. Maybe she shops for you when you’re sick. Not everything is exactly tit for tat.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Some of you do too much too often and then get resentful that the favor isn’t returned. Instead of vilifying or dumping the other person, maybe you need to tone down what you’re doing. If you buy 10 presents and someone buys one, then just buy one instead of bitching about how there’s a difference of nine. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>The main question you have to ask is, does this person seem caring and invested overall? Do you have a good time together? </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Sometimes you really are in an unbalanced relationship. Here are some of the signs:</span></p>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They perpetually drain and exhaust you. </strong><span>You dread seeing them, and when you’re with them, you wish you were elsewhere. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You are always there for them, but they are not there for you. </strong><span>If the only time they initiate contact is when they want or need something from you, that’s a problem. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They don’t show you any gratitude. </strong><span>You constantly give money and/or time and receive nothing in return. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They lay on guilt when you’re not able or willing to do something. </strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They are drama kings and queens.</strong><span> They go from conflict to conflict and crisis to crisis, giving you every little detail about it. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They are self-absorbed and only talk about themselves.</strong><span> </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They show disinterest or try to undermine your dreams and goals.</strong></p>
</li>
</ul>
<p dir="ltr"><span>You can waste decades of your life on these people, or you can accept the reality that they won’t change. My recommendation is to slowly withdraw. Take a few days to return a text or phone call, and answer it rather neutrally. Plan fewer things. Slowly disappear and become less invested.</span></p>
</span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_110316.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2019-05-22T19:05:00Z9 Ways to Be HappierStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/9-Ways-to-Be-Happier/337024273675658143.html2019-05-15T17:55:00Z2019-05-15T17:55:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f3d758b7-3f7d-9d16-124e-25e37b8443a1"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2e382d81-3f8b-29fc-3d78-6f50d676ea78">
<p dir="ltr"><span><br />I suspect there might be somebody somewhere who is happy all the time, but I am certainly not. Personally, I struggle with happiness a lot and really have to work at it. So, I don’t think it’s </span><em>easy</em><span> to be happy. However, there are some things you can do to feed your happiness level: </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Lower your expectations. </strong><span>William Shakespeare wrote that expectation is the root of all heartache. As I have told so many people on my show over the years, if you lower your expectations regarding a person or situation, you won’t be disappointed. </span><strong>The difference between expectation and reality is the space where disappointment builds.</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Have a goal.</strong><span> Get organized, learn something new, or challenge yourself in some way.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Don’t put your happiness in the hands of the future. </strong><span>Never say things like, </span><em>“I’ll be happy when I lose 10 pounds,” </em><span>or, <em>“</em></span><em>I’ll be happy when I find the right person to marry.”</em><span> If you keep postponing happiness, you’re either going to be disappointed or you won’t even know it when it slaps you in the face.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Surround yourself with people who make an effort to be happy.</strong><span> Misery loves company, so avoid the miserable. If you’re around people who are happy, their emotional state will be infectious.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>5. Use yesterday as a lesson, not a place to live. </strong><span>We’ve all screwed up, but (hopefully) you have learned from your mistakes and now act and think differently. This makes you a teacher, not a hypocrite. </span><strong>Your past does not define you. You define your past every day.</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>6. When something goes wrong, come up with a plan to turn things around. </strong><span>I believe a certain amount of whining, complaining, and stomping around is OK, but keep it minimal. The moment you shift from </span><em>“poor me”</em><span> to </span><em>“how can I fix this?”</em><span>, you can turn the circumstances back in your favor. </span><strong>Don’t let a setback take you down. </strong><span>If you need help, call someone you know and trust, and brainstorm on how you can make things better.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>7. Do nice things for yourself. </strong><span>For me, it’s pouring a glass of Santa Margherita Pinot Grigio at the end of a long day, putting my feet up with the dogs snoozing on either side of me, and watching a movie.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>8. Find the humor in life.</strong><span> It’s a great way to deal with things.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>9. Take care of yourself. </strong><span>Eating right and exercising makes you feel a whole lot better.</span></p>
<span>Happiness is not about luck. Anybody can be happy, but it’s up to </span><em>you </em><span>to make it happen.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_092716.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span> </span>Staff2019-05-15T17:55:00ZWhat Teens Should Pay ForStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-Teens-Should-Pay-For/164048362632312050.html2019-05-08T19:31:00Z2019-05-08T19:31:00Z<p><br /><br />Many parents struggle with the question of what they should make their teenagers pay for. There is no one size fits all answer, but there's a concept that fits every situation. <br /><br />Simply ask yourself, <strong>"Will giving this money help him or her grow up to be a responsible, hardworking, well-functioning and independent adult?"</strong>. If the answer is no, then don't pay, OR make a contribution and have your teen pay the rest. <br /><br />Children need to learn about self-discipline, saving and waiting. There are lots of ways for kids to earn money (babysitting, mowing lawns, delivering things, being creative, etc.), and the more they pay their own way, the more they will learn how to survive in life and increase their self-confidence. Remember,<strong> it's not your job as a parent to make them happy every moment of every day - it's to help them be the best person they can be.</strong> <br /><br /><a href="http://thestir.cafemom.com/teen/152590/9_things_teens_should_pay" target="_self">Here</a> are some things I think every parent should require their teenagers to pay for:<br /><br /></p>
<ol>
<li><em><strong>Meals out with friends</strong>.</em> Obviously Mom and Dad should pay for basic meals, but if your teen wants to eat out with their buddies, then that's on them. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong><em>Gas, insurance and maintenance on the car you ALLOW them to use.</em></strong> If they can't make the payments, they shouldn't be driving your car. It makes teenagers a lot more responsible when they are the ones coughing up the dough. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><em><strong>Cell phone overages.</strong></em> Cell phones are a privilege, not a right or a necessity. If your teenager isn't paying for their own plan, have them pay for any texting or data overages. Also, phone insurance is about $5 a month; have them cover it. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><em><strong>Lost items.</strong></em> Whether it's a cell phone, sunglasses or a purse, if they lose something you bought them, they have to pay for it. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><em><strong>Party clothes.</strong></em> Parents should pay for basic clothing, but if your teenager wants to buy something special from a special store, they should pay. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><em><strong>Silly, preventable, stupid mistakes.</strong></em> If your teen damages a neighbor's property, for example, they need to pay for it or work it off by doing chores at the neighbor's home. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><em><strong>Gifts.</strong></em> Even if your kid is dead broke, don't give them cash to buy family and friends birthday or holiday gifts. There are tons of inexpensive or free things they can do that make nice presents. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><em><strong>Donations.</strong></em> Teens should make donations with their own money. It teaches them about being charitable and that you don't only give when you have extra funds. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><em><strong>Upgrades.</strong></em> Let's say your teen plays a sport and has worn out their gear. If the sport is something they are very passionate about and committed to, then you can treat the gear as an essential purchase. However, you should only buy them what is reasonable and customary. If they want something stylish, they need to pay for it themselves. </li>
</ol>
<div><br /><img src="/images/blog/090414_blog.jpg" alt="" /></div>Staff2019-05-08T19:31:00ZHow to Tell a Prince from a FrogStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Tell-a-Prince-from-a-Frog/701810578423448138.html2019-05-01T18:22:00Z2019-05-01T18:22:00Z<br />
<p>Finding a guy to be your boyfriend is easy - just go to any bar. What's more difficult is <strong>finding a man who deserves to be your prince</strong>.</p>
<p><strong>EVERY woman wants a prince</strong>. That doesn't mean you are dependent on a man or can't do anything on your own. You can be extremely competent and self-sufficient and still want to be courted.</p>
<p><strong><a href="http://www.nigerianmonitor.com/2013/03/23/10-characteristics-of-a-good-man-to-be-your-guy/" target="_blank">Here</a> are 10 characteristics of a real prince:</strong></p>
<ol>
<li><em><strong>He puts you on a pedestal.</strong></em> He appreciates and respects you. <em>He knows what he has to do to show his love, and he makes darn sure he doesn't hurt you. If he accidentally hurts you, he doesn't hesitate to admit his mistake and apologize sincerely.</em> He isn't verbally or physically ugly towards you.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><em><strong>He is a man of his word. </strong></em>When he says he will do something, he does it. He is loyal and takes full responsibility for his words and actions.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><em><strong>He loves you inside and out.</strong></em> We used to call it "warts and all". He isn't just hot for your body. He loves your strengths, nurtures your weaknesses, and thinks your imperfections are cute. He's tolerant and compassionate.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><em><strong>He is mature.</strong></em> He has a well-established job and a good income, and he makes plans for the future. He doesn't spend his time playing video games. He's not lazy and he's not a workaholic - he is able to balance fun and relaxation with work and productivity.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><em><strong>He is the leader in the relationship.</strong></em> He protects and provides.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><em><strong>He is confident in himself.</strong></em> He's not desperately trying to change or accommodate to satisfy anyone else's ridiculous wants or desires.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong><em>He is independent.</em></strong> He enjoys his own company, spends time with his own family and friends, and has his own hobbies and activities. He isn't needy, clingy or jealous. You are the center of his universe, but there are other planets in his solar system.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong><em>He is appreciative of you.</em></strong> He notices and praises the little things you do.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong><em>He is honest.</em></strong> He admits his mistakes and does everything with good intentions. He communicates and critiques honestly, not cruelly.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong><em>He is moral.</em></strong> He has a code of values that he lives by and you can count on.</li>
</ol>
<p>No woman should tolerate anything less than a prince. And remember, a <strong>REAL </strong>prince also deserves a <strong>REAL</strong> princess. So if you do find a prince, don't nag, whine, complain, or act self-centered or narcissistic. <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/032014_blog.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2019-05-01T18:22:00ZAre You Ready to Have a Baby?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Are-You-Ready-to-Have-a-Baby/704473381611566563.html2019-04-24T18:56:00Z2019-04-24T18:56:00Z<br />Here are some of the signs that you're ready to have a baby:<br /><br /><strong>You have a stable, happy marriage</strong> <br />Being married isn't enough - it has to be a good marriage. You and your spouse need to be able to resolve things and not always be arguing. You must actually like each other and enjoy each other's company. <br /><br /><strong>You and your spouse both agree on having a baby</strong><br />A child needs two parents who want him/her. If one of you isn't enthusiastic, that person probably isn't going to be very helpful.<br /><br /><strong>You are willing to make huge sacrifices</strong><br />Forget sleeping in on the weekends - your lifestyle will change dramatically. You will be infinitely more of a homebody. Kids have to be the number one priority for a while. You both have to be willing to make sacrifices without acting pouty or feeling put upon. <br /><br /><strong>You are willing to be a stay-at-home mother</strong><br />In my opinion, if you're not willing to be a stay-at-home mom, you're not ready to have a baby. Babies need mothers. They don't need day cares, nannies, and babysitters. In preparation, you and your spouse should live off one income for a year, put the other income in the bank, and see how you do. <br /><br /><strong>You are financially equipped </strong><br />If you are in debt, barely surviving from month to month, or can't afford health insurance, baby clothes, formula, and diapers, then you shouldn't have a baby. <br /><br /><strong>Every time you look at a baby, you want one</strong> <br />This goes without explanation. <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/blog_091715.jpg" alt="" width="717" height="500" /><br /><br />Staff2019-04-24T18:56:00ZWays to Improve Your Mother- and Daughter-in-Law RelationshipStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Ways-to-Improve-Your-Mother--and-Daughter-in-Law-Relationship/299311606451748719.html2019-04-17T17:55:00Z2019-04-17T17:55:00Z<br />
<p>If I had to pick the most popular subject people call my show about, it would be mother- and daughter-in-law relationships. Here's why:<br /> <br /><strong><em>Mother-in-law's perspective</em></strong> <br /> <br />The mother-in-law has been the number one woman in her son's life for the past two or three decades. She gave birth to him, raised him, loved him, kissed him, hugged him, nurtured him, and disciplined him. Then suddenly, a younger, less mature woman comes into the picture, takes over, and (typically) behaves as if there can only be one woman in his life. <br /> <br />In addition, the mother-in-law no longer has a clear idea of her role in her son's life. For the daughter-in-law, it's simple - she's his wife. But for the mother-in-law, it's not so cut and dry. The daughter-in-law doesn't understand this because with her mother, it's almost as if nothing has changed. The daughter-in-law's mother isn't expected to do guy stuff with her son-in-law. All she has to do is be nice when he shows up, hand him a beer, turn on the game, and he's good to go. <br /> <br /><em><strong>Daughter-in-law's perspective</strong></em> <br /> <br />The daughter-in-law is the newcomer. She doesn't like getting advice and opinions from a more experienced and mature woman because it tugs at her insecurities as a wife and mother. Insecurity leads to defensiveness, defensiveness leads to snottiness, and snottiness results in harsh words and hurt feelings.<br /> <br /><em><strong>The solution</strong></em><br /> <br />The mother/daughter-in-law relationship requires an intense amount of compassion, sensitivity, thoughtfulness, and gratitude on both sides, even when you want to strangle each other. <br /> <br /><strong>Mothers-in-law need to realize that it is not a competition.</strong> You also must <strong>give your son and his wife space. Don't show up unannounced</strong>, and <strong><em>ask</em> if certain things are OK beforehand</strong>.</p>
<p><strong>Daughters-in-law need to make their mothers-in-law feel as at home as they make their own mothers feel.</strong> Just because a man gains a wife, doesn't mean he has to lose a mom. <strong>Don't treat your mother-in-law as a problem, and don't feel annoyed or put down if she offers help or advice.</strong> Giving advice isn't mean or insulting. We all have something to learn, and besides, without your mother-in-law, you wouldn't have your husband. <strong>Remember: The reason he's so good to you has a lot to do with the woman who raised him. <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/022714_blog.jpg" alt="" width="395" height="413" /></strong></p>Staff2019-04-17T17:55:00Z5 Tips for Saying NoStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Tips-for-Saying-No/497957188755404533.html2019-04-09T16:10:00Z2019-04-09T16:10:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-530de267-78bb-879f-5c10-b4341cfbe70f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1b1a71ab-9caf-e4fe-9355-50174525c9a1"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d94143ea-a1de-ddb8-4895-e47a225784da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-975b8645-e12d-b13a-c638-99c07c3fb06f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-590ba82f-e181-3dbc-85a7-5f30accbc07e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7460ab3c-e195-24ea-03f4-b7f9e826a885">
<div><strong><span id="docs-internal-guid-074835d2-1829-9148-feba-81413c4d4e56"> </span></strong><span id="docs-internal-guid-074835d2-1829-9148-feba-81413c4d4e56">
<p dir="ltr"><br />When you were 2 years old, you probably had no trouble saying no. But when you get to be decades older, “no” becomes a terrifying impossibility. You don’t want to let anyone down, hurt their feelings, or make them mad at you. Yet, despite how complicated everyone wants to make it, saying no is incredibly simple. Here’s how you do it:</p>
</span><span id="docs-internal-guid-074835d2-1829-9148-feba-81413c4d4e56"><ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Say it with a pleasant expression on your face.</strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Lightly touch the other person on the hand, arm, or shoulder.</strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Keep it short and simple.</strong> You don’t have to explain yourself. Just say, “I’m so sorry to disappoint you.” If they press you for more information, stick with that mantra: “I’m so sorry to disappoint you, but I really can’t.” Don’t give excuses or explanations.</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t say, “Perhaps some other time.”</strong> They’ll be back!</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>End it by wishing the other person well.</strong> Say, “I hope the party/job/trip goes well.” It’s gracious, and you make it clear that it’s over.</p>
</li>
</ol> </span><span id="docs-internal-guid-074835d2-1829-9148-feba-81413c4d4e56">That’s it! The more you do it, the better you’ll get at it. If you don’t, everybody else will own your life and you won’t. If you want to be the master of your own life, you have to learn how to say no nicely, with no excuses and no explanations.</span></div>
</span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span> </span></span></span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_070617.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2019-04-09T16:10:00ZHow to Affair-Proof Your MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Affair-Proof-Your-Marriage/-220629450848298838.html2019-04-01T19:20:00Z2019-04-01T19:20:00Z<em><br /></em><br /><br />What can you do to avoid having your spouse cheat on you, or you feel the need to cheat on them? Here are five simple strategies:<br /><ol>
<li><strong>Marry somebody of high character.</strong></li>
<br />
<li><strong>Know somebody for about two years before you marry. </strong>You can't discern if someone has high character unless you actually <em>know</em> them. Get to know their family, friends, business associates, and activities. Learn how they handle certain situations. Only then will you know if you've met a real gentleman or lady. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Wait until you're close to 30 to get married.</strong> Your level of maturity increases <em>a lot</em> during your 20s. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Stay clear of any opportunities. </strong>Opportunities present themselves all the time, so do what Billy Graham did. Don't be alone with a member of the opposite sex, and you won't be tempted. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Don't give your spouse a reason to feel a need.</strong> One of the things I talk about in my book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060520620/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0060520620&linkCode=as2&tag=wwwdrlauracom-20&linkId=5AWR3PAVKGV2KTFV" target="_blank">The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands</a>, is that a large percentage of the time, guys who cheat just want attention and affection. Compared to women, men are very uncomplicated. Unless he has low character, a guy is not going to be hungry if he's getting love, attention and affection.</li>
</ol><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/blog_092415.jpg" alt="" /><br />Staff2019-04-01T19:20:00ZHow to Defeat Your Self-Destructive BehaviorStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Defeat-Your-Self-Destructive-Behavior/405866511758277105.html2019-03-24T18:48:00Z2019-03-24T18:48:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-069f9cdc-801a-33b8-4c6f-435b7dcb3429"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3bddf1e3-805e-af49-5ad7-9fb4c6bada47"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0bccc2bc-8068-0995-86cb-1cd6e0f0a821"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6a49ae8b-8071-2143-c4c9-15ff6e2c4704"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-45b08dd9-8075-f0df-aa46-ef0d097ad765"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-54521ee1-80af-84c9-8ddb-3d9599bbc482">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Everybody has self-destructive behaviors, some worse than others. Some of these behaviors include:</span></p>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Self-harm (cutting, scratching, pulling out your hair, etc.) </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Gambling </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Overeating</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Abusing drugs or alcohol</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Having risky sex</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Shopping too much </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Ignoring your health and well-being </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Refusing to take responsibility </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Thinking negatively</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Acting overly needy</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Allowing others to treat you poorly</span></p>
</li>
</ul>
<p dir="ltr"><span>In order to stop a self-destructive behavior once and for all, the first step is to </span><strong>recognize what exactly it is you are doing wrong. </strong><span>If you can’t put your finger on it, ask the people who know and love you.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Next, you have to </span><strong>ask yourself<em> why</em> the behavior is negative. </strong><span>For example,</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“Why is drinking too much bad?”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“Because it leads to blackouts, hangovers, impaired decisions, and hurting the people I love.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>You have to think about what the advantages would be to change.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Step three is to </span><strong>figure out why you do it.</strong><span> Are you trying to fit in? Do you want to feel more secure? Are you trying to distract yourself from stress, guilt, shame, or remorse? What is your trigger? Our thoughts are linked to our feelings, which are in turn, linked to our behaviors. In other words, how you see yourself in the world really dictates, to a large extent, what you’re going to feel and what you’re going to do. </span><strong>Don’t hide from your feelings. </strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Lastly, you need to </span><strong>do something about it.</strong><span> Oftentimes, fear, anger, or anxiety lead us to exaggerate the negative and spiral back into the destructive behavior. You need to </span><strong>practice thinking about the positive and narrowing the negative.</strong><span> When you do that, it’s amazing how something completely horrendous can become utterly rational.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Make small changes. </strong><span>Add a piece of fruit or a vegetable to your lunch. Do something nice for someone else. Find an activity that does more good than harm, such as writing, painting, exercising, hiking, or gardening. Join an organization that talks about higher powers if that works for you. Whatever it is, you need to replace what you were doing with something healthier.</span></p>
</span><span id="docs-internal-guid-1f0605b4-807b-8870-4772-eb45388cc91f"> </span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
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</span>Staff2019-03-24T18:48:00ZWays to Improve Your Mother- and Daughter-in-Law RelationshipStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Ways-to-Improve-Your-Mother--and-Daughter-in-Law-Relationship/552283987304618620.html2019-03-18T19:09:00Z2019-03-18T19:09:00Z<p><br />If I had to pick the most popular subject people call my show about, it would be mother- and daughter-in-law relationships. Here's why:<br /> <br /><strong><em>Mother-in-law's perspective</em></strong> <br /> <br />The mother-in-law has been the number one woman in her son's life for the past two or three decades. She gave birth to him, raised him, loved him, kissed him, hugged him, nurtured him, and disciplined him. Then suddenly, a younger, less mature woman comes into the picture, takes over, and (typically) behaves as if there can only be one woman in his life. <br /> <br />In addition, the mother-in-law no longer has a clear idea of her role in her son's life. For the daughter-in-law, it's simple - she's his wife. But for the mother-in-law, it's not so cut and dry. The daughter-in-law doesn't understand this because with her mother, it's almost as if nothing has changed. The daughter-in-law's mother isn't expected to do guy stuff with her son-in-law. All she has to do is be nice when he shows up, hand him a beer, turn on the game, and he's good to go. <br /> <br /><em><strong>Daughter-in-law's perspective</strong></em> <br /> <br />The daughter-in-law is the newcomer. She doesn't like getting advice and opinions from a more experienced and mature woman because it tugs at her insecurities as a wife and mother. Insecurity leads to defensiveness, defensiveness leads to snottiness, and snottiness results in harsh words and hurt feelings.<br /> <br /><em><strong>The solution</strong></em><br /> <br />The mother/daughter-in-law relationship requires an intense amount of compassion, sensitivity, thoughtfulness, and gratitude on both sides, even when you want to strangle each other. <br /> <br /><strong>Mothers-in-law need to realize that it is not a competition.</strong> You also must <strong>give your son and his wife space. Don't show up unannounced</strong>, and <strong><em>ask</em> if certain things are OK beforehand</strong>.</p>
<p><strong>Daughters-in-law need to make their mothers-in-law feel as at home as they make their own mothers feel.</strong> Just because a man gains a wife, doesn't mean he has to lose a mom. <strong>Don't treat your mother-in-law as a problem, and don't feel annoyed or put down if she offers help or advice.</strong> Giving advice isn't mean or insulting. We all have something to learn, and besides, without your mother-in-law, you wouldn't have your husband. <strong>Remember: The reason he's so good to you has a lot to do with the woman who raised him. <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/022714_blog.jpg" alt="" width="395" height="413" /></strong></p>Staff2019-03-18T19:09:00Z7 Tips to Stay Fit and HealthyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/7-Tips-to-Stay-Fit-and-Healthy/-227770064669633454.html2019-03-11T17:39:00Z2019-03-11T17:39:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-cdea6039-dbb2-35e0-3d45-ff02283e926f">
<p dir="ltr"><span><br />If any of those DVDs or diet books worked, there’d only be one. The reality is,</span><strong>there’s no miracle to staying healthy and fit - it’s the way you live your life.</strong><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here’s what you need to do:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Get regular check-ups.</strong><span> Have the usual blood work done. Ladies, get the pelvic exams and mammograms. Guys, get your prostate checked. You need to do that every year so there are no surprises. Surprises are usually bad. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Get sleep. </strong><span>A lack of sleep impacts both </span><span>your physical and mental health. It affects your metabolism, your mood, your concentration, your memory, your motor skills, your stress levels, your hormones, and even your immune system. When you sleep, you heal, repair, and rejuvenate. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>3. Get moving. </strong><span>Begin by simply walking an hour per day - a half hour away from home and a half hour back. Start out slow and then get to the point where it’s brisk. That, in and of itself, would be terrific. Then after a few weeks, or maybe a few months, you’ll feel so good that you will get into something more.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Walking is great because it improves circulation, </span><span>combats depression, strengthens your heart and lungs, and gets the muscles ready (which makes you less likely to injure yourself later if you’re doing squats or pumping iron). </span><span>Personally, I love walking because </span><span>I hate going to gyms and getting on the treadmill. It makes me feel like a hamster. I can’t stand things like that, where you’re just in one place and the environment never changes.</span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>4. Don’t skip breakfast. </strong><span>There’s a reason they call it </span><span>BREAK-fast</span><span> because you’re “breaking the fast”. Eating breakfast helps you maintain stable blood sugar levels and also a healthy weight because you’re less likely to overindulge later in the day. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>5. Eat a balanced diet and don’t overeat. </strong><span>Make sure you eat enough lean protein: poultry, fish, tofu, etc. In addition, take time to eat. If you eat really fast, you won’t get that full feeling until you’ve overeaten. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>6. Drink plenty of water. </strong><span>Staying hydrated cleans your body from the inside by flushing out toxins.</span><span> </span><span>It’s really important that you keep hydrated. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>7. Reduce your stress. </strong><span>Exercise, meditate, pray, or take up a hobby. Reducing stress really boils down to a change in lifestyle. Don’t overwork, take breaks, and surround yourself with nice people. It’s also very important to have friend time. Friends are like a magical elixir.<br /><br /><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <strong><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a></strong> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily <strong>Call of the Day</strong> and receive her <strong>Daily Dose newsletter</strong>! </em> </span></p>
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</span><img src="/images/blog/blog_071116.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br />Staff2019-03-11T17:39:00ZHow to Communicate Better with Your HusbandStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Communicate-Better-with-Your-Husband/-897947006933037136.html2019-03-04T22:32:00Z2019-03-04T22:32:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-069f9cdc-801a-33b8-4c6f-435b7dcb3429"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3bddf1e3-805e-af49-5ad7-9fb4c6bada47">
<p dir="ltr"><span><br />In a marriage, we must communicate </span><em>before </em><span>things get bad and </span><em>before </em><span>people feel bored, distant, or resentful.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>For us female types, venting and getting out all the bad emotions feels great. We like to talk about our feelings and what these feelings mean. Men, on the other hand, don’t find extended talking as therapeutic. They just want direction: </span><em>“What do you want me to fix?”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Furthermore, women have the physiological advantage of being quicker self-soothers. We calm down better and faster. By contrast, men often avoid conflict because it’s so physically uncomfortable for them to recover.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>With that in mind, here’s how you should approach your husband the next time you want to discuss a problem in your marriage:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Start by asking if it’s a good time to talk.</strong><span> Say, </span><span><em>“Sweetie</em>, </span><span>(always begin with </span><em>“Sweetie” </em><span>or </span><em>“Honey”</em><span>) </span><em>is it OK right now to talk about something I’m concerned/upset with?”</em><span> Put yourself in your husband’s shoes. Just because you want to vent doesn’t mean he’s in the mindset. He may be feeling tired, stressed, or ill. If that’s the case, his response is only going to make you more testy. You will end up working against yourself. If he says no,</span><span> </span><span>hold on to whatever it was and come back to it later.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Say “I” instead of “you”.</strong><span> Therapy 101 teaches people to use “I” sentences. For example, </span><em>“I feel lonely, and I miss you,”</em><span> as opposed to,</span><em>“You son of a bitch! You never pay enough attention to me!” </em><span>Which do you think will be better received?</span></p>
<strong>Explain, don’t attack. </strong><span>Say something like,</span><em>“I know that work is important and that your mother is important, but I’m starting to feel ignored. I was hoping you and I could start talking about how to remedy this.” </em><span>That is not an attack or a screaming fight; it’s informational. Most importantly, the statement ends with a proposed team-developed remedy (something guys are good at). Remember, </span><strong>you catch more flies with honey.</strong></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
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</span>Staff2019-03-04T22:32:00Z4 Ways to Stop WorryingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/4-Ways-to-Stop-Worrying/366449342849476040.html2019-02-24T19:22:00Z2019-02-24T19:22:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-4ef5192e-32e4-36c6-62ef-13f7c46ad3b3">
<p dir="ltr"><br />I wish that every time I worried about something, it got resolved. However, life doesn’t work that way. <strong>Worrying has no power to make anything better.</strong> Here are 4 things you can do the next time you start to fall down the rabbit hole:</p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Distract yourself.</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Take a hot bath, go for a run, or do something to activate your senses and divert your attention. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Breathe.</strong><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>Breathe in for five seconds, hold for five seconds, and then breathe out for five seconds.<br /></span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Repeat a mantra.</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>You’ll notice on my show that I give people mantras to help them get back on track:</span></p>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>“I believe in myself.”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>“I’m in charge of how I feel right now, and I’m not going to let this take control.”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>“My body is freaking out, I’m scared out of my mind, but I know I’m OK.”</em></p>
</li>
</ul>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Recite the Serenity Prayer.</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...”</em><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>Probably the most frequent issue I help people with on my program is letting go of things they have zero control over. </span><strong>Don’t shorten your life by being a nervous wreck over something that can’t be fixed. </strong><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><em><br class="kix-line-break" />“…the courage to change the things I can...”</em><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>Another area people have trouble with is courage. One of the reasons you continue to bang on a door that will never open is that you’re afraid to find another door and walk through it. </span><strong>It’s easier to be the martyr and suffer and bang. It’s harder to have the courage to do something different. </strong><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><em>“…and the wisdom to know the difference.” </em><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>When you’re worried, scared, anxious, or vulnerable, your first instinct is to hide and not let others get close to you. But do you know what happens when you isolate yourself? You’re stuck with </span><em>YOU</em><span>. And it just gets worse and worse and worse…</span></p>
<span>So, </span><span><strong>let people love you and take care of you</strong>. </span><span>And don’t worry - be happy.</span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2019-02-24T19:22:00Z5 Signs He Isn't Going to Marry YouStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Signs-He-Isnt-Going-to-Marry-You/966143270379017177.html2019-02-18T17:27:00Z2019-02-18T17:27:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3be9b8d8-511a-8f50-058d-161e0e95c843"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a61738d-561b-50ce-cdd2-9bf96ca6fe14"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7c4c055e-6077-9844-558d-d657b63f895f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2503165a-752c-8046-109f-48c89ef4f75f">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Feeling lovey-dovey and horny is not the same thing as commitment. Here are 5 signs that the guy you’re dating has no intention of marrying you:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He never mentions marriage. </strong><span>If he doesn’t want to talk about sharing a future with you, he doesn’t want to marry you. When a man wants to get married and start a family, he gets down on one knee and gives you a ring. Humping you isn’t a commitment, promise, or vow. It’s not a message that he wishes to be a daddy. It just means that he wants a warm place to put it. You can try to leverage him by threatening to walk away, but a person who has to be manipulated into marriage, doesn’t really want to marry you. All you’re doing is rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic - statistically, it’s still going to sink.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He’s hot and horny one minute, and ice-cold the next. </strong><span>If he loves you, he will act like it.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He’s not open and honest. </strong><span>Being authentic takes courage, but it needs to be part of every relationship.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He wants entirely different things from you</strong><span><strong>.</strong> You’re into family, and he never wants to see his or yours. You want pets or kids, and he doesn’t. Rather than trying to force a square peg into a round hole, find someone who is more compatible.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He is your project or challenge.</strong> You’re not going to change him, no matter how much sex or love you invest. Your love is not enough.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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</span>Staff2019-02-18T17:27:00ZHow to Keep the Romance Alive in Your MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Keep-the-Romance-Alive-in-Your-Marriage/906151657772060147.html2019-02-12T18:15:00Z2019-02-12T18:15:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7">
<p dir="ltr"><span><br />Marriage starts out as a lot of highs. Then suddenly, all you can see are the lows. You and your spouse start bitching at each other, feeling resentful, and losing what you had.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are three tips to not lose sight of the romance:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Work together as a team. </strong><span>Stupid stuff happens every day. Learn to not take it out on your spouse. </span><strong>Turn <em>to</em> each other, not <em>on</em> each other.</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Make an effort to notice each other on a daily basis. </strong><span>Ask questions, plan the day together, kiss hello and goodbye, and connect in the middle of the day to pick each other up. Have you ever noticed that </span><strong>when you make someone else feel better, you also feel better</strong><span><strong>?</strong> The nicer and sweeter you are to your spouse, the more cheerful you’ll feel. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Take time to relax with each other</strong><span><strong>.</strong> At the end of the day when the kids are squared away, pour a glass of wine, put your feet up, and watch a stupid movie or take a bath together.</span></p>
<span>For more tips and ideas, read my book,</span><em> The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage.</em></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span>Staff2019-02-12T18:15:00Z7 Things Today's Parents Fail to Teach Their KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/7-Things-Todays-Parents-Fail-to-Teach-Their-Kids/-996079701966483320.html2019-02-06T18:54:00Z2019-02-06T18:54:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba">
<p dir="ltr"><span><br />Frankly, too many parents today seem almost pathologically concerned with their kids being popular and socially accepted. They go along with things that are against their better judgment, like allowing their kids to participate in expensive fads, come home late, date too early, wear immodest clothing, watch inappropriate movies and TV shows, and have unrestricted smartphone access. The last thing they think about is sitting down with their children and teaching them about morals, values, principles, and ethics.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Here are the things you should be teaching your children:</strong><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>1. Honesty.</strong><span> Not the type practiced by politicians and businesspeople, but simple, pure truth-telling.</span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong><br class="kix-line-break" />2. Compassion.</strong><span> Being sensitive and conscientious of someone else’s distress in a sympathetic way is one of the most essential qualities of a decent human being. If your kid has a lot of compassion, they’re not going to stand by and let a bully hurt somebody, are they? </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>3. Perseverance.</strong><span> Saying </span><em>“screw it!” </em><span>every time you get </span><span>frustrated or lose is no way to make any real headway in life. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Self-restraint.</strong><span> Kids need to learn to control their own impulses, emotions, and desires. </span></p>
<strong>5. Grit. </strong><span>Show them that you are </span><span>willing to do things even if they are difficult or scary. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>6. Dependability. </strong><span>Teach your kids that they should always be trusted to do or provide what is necessary.</span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>7. Faithfulness. </strong><span>Show them how to be faithful through the way you treat your spouse and friends. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>8. Patience.</strong><span> Teach them how to calmly bear pains and trials.</span></span><span><br /></span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span>Staff2019-02-06T18:54:00ZHow to Break a Bad Habit Once and for AllStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Break-a-Bad-Habit-Once-and-for-All/-691114989515425409.html2019-01-30T20:16:00Z2019-01-30T20:16:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-57608417-3f67-ed72-5f24-9a7b34c9a595">
<p dir="ltr"><span>We generally develop bad habits for two main reasons:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>We’re stressed</strong><span>, and/or </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>We’re bored</strong></p>
</li>
</ol>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Obviously there can be deeper, more traumatic issues at play, but everything from biting nails to overspending to drinking to wasting time online is most likely due to stress or boredom.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Now, </span><strong>stopping cold turkey is not a good plan</strong><span> because the behavior provides for a need. In order to break the bad habit, </span><strong>you need to replace it with something healthier</strong><span>. You can meditate or take a walk around the block. No matter what it is, you need to have a substitute already in place for the next time you get the urge to smoke or procrastinate on Facebook. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>In some cases, all you need to do is </span><strong>change the environment</strong><span>, at least in the beginning. If you tend to smoke when you drink, don’t go out to bars. If you eat cookies when they’re in the house, don’t have cookies in the house. In addition to changing the environment, it’s also a lot easier to stop a habit when you’re breaking it with somebody else. By pairing up, you hold each other accountable and celebrate each other’s successes. In general, you should only hang out with people who are supportive of the new person you are becoming. There are a lot of people who like to keep you just the way you are because it serves them better. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Another technique that really helps is to </span><span><strong>walk around with a little notepad and pen, and record when you give in to your bad habit</strong>.</span><span> Write down what you did and what time it happened. The purpose of this exercise is not to make you feel stupid or guilty. It’s simply to make you more aware of what’s going on with you.</span></p>
<span>Finally, when you screw up (and you will), get off your own case. There is no changing without failure. Tell yourself, </span><em>“I know I screwed up, but I don’t have to screw up tomorrow.”</em><span> Visualize yourself crushing it, and then go do it.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2019-01-30T20:16:00ZWhy Wait to Have Sex?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Wait-to-Have-Sex/-890629991183466189.html2019-01-24T19:01:00Z2019-01-24T19:01:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f3d758b7-3f7d-9d16-124e-25e37b8443a1"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2e382d81-3f8b-29fc-3d78-6f50d676ea78"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c0893fd0-9039-c3f7-6daf-f23495d5543f">
<p dir="ltr"><span><br />People who engage in sex before or within the first few weeks of dating have lower levels of relationship satisfaction, communication, and stability than those who wait longer. Why? Because sex is lust over love. Without a foundation, the excitement of the passion wanes, and the relationship crumbles.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Most women want the first time they have sex with a man to be mind-blowing, special, and something that brings them closer together. However, there is no love or commitment early on in a relationship, so none of those needs are met. I find it remarkable how many women would not entrust their apartment keys to a guy they just met (even if it’s just to water their plants) and yet, give no thought to exposing their bloodstreams and precious eggs to STDs and unplanned pregnancies.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Contrary to what you see in the movies, people screaming orgasms 20 minutes after meeting each other rarely happens in real life. First-date sex is usually awkward, and it runs on </span><span>his</span><span> timeline (if you get my drift). Plus, there isn’t that much warm-up because there isn’t that much caring to give you a warm-up.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Nothing has changed in the double standard. The more sexual partners a guy has had, the less he thinks of women and the sex he has with them. Guys know that the quicker they can get you to bed, the less wifey material you are. You may be humping for a few years or even shacking up, but there’s no true emotional bond. </span><strong>Men don’t value what they don’t have to work hard for.</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>So, if you want a healthy relationship, you should charge a high price for sex - the price being attention, care, and commitment.</span></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2019-01-24T19:01:00Z5 Body Language TipsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Body-Language-Tips/-815297801696028820.html2019-01-18T20:36:00Z2019-01-18T20:36:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2c4ed2e0-3e02-8c82-7fb0-bed3769e2c71"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-108e2195-3e08-ace3-20b3-d59688bec564"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-53c95926-498f-98a1-0535-5fc631c691b5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f68af0c0-4999-1699-2455-5dcb80020b9e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-9033c717-499f-3c42-67a9-ae774bdf56cd">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Body language not only reinforces what you say when you speak. It can also improve your mood. Here are five body language tips that speak volumes:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Improve your posture. </strong><span>Putting your shoulders back and down boosts your mood and energy. I often tell callers on the air to sit up straight because I can hear when their bodies are all folded up and slouching. It allows them to get enough air into their chest cavity and warm up their vocal cords to make a statement. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Smile. </strong><span>When we see a smile, our brains want to smile too.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Mirror.</strong><span> When I got credentialed in hypnotherapy, one of the first lessons we learned was mirroring. If you start nodding or breathing at the same rate as someone else, it increases your rapport and makes the person feel closer to you. Try that when you’re talking with somebody today; you’ll feel the whole relationship get warmer.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Make yourself look big. </strong><span>Have you ever seen a pufferfish or chimpanzee puff up to look big and establish dominance? The more room you take up, the more confident and powerful you look. Practice in front of a mirror.</span></p>
<strong>5. Make eye contact. </strong><span>Two people sitting and looking into each other’s eyes for just two minutes is enough to create increased feelings of affection. When we make eye contact, we are more self-aware and invested in the other person.</span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><strong><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! <br /> </em></strong><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2019-01-18T20:36:00Z7 Marriage Mistakes All Couples MakeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/7-Marriage-Mistakes-All-Couples-Make/748715022919187378.html2019-01-09T18:52:00Z2019-01-09T18:52:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2c4ed2e0-3e02-8c82-7fb0-bed3769e2c71"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-108e2195-3e08-ace3-20b3-d59688bec564"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-53c95926-498f-98a1-0535-5fc631c691b5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f68af0c0-4999-1699-2455-5dcb80020b9e">
<p dir="ltr"><span><br />If you truly care about your spouse, you have to act like it. Here are some of the most common marriage mistakes couples make:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Screaming.</strong><span> There is absolutely no justification for yelling at your spouse. If you’re upset about something, count to 15, and then calmly express yourself.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Ignoring. </strong><span>If you’re actually too upset to talk, just say, </span><em>“I’m not ignoring you. I just need to take a little time-out to pull myself together, and then I’ll be good to go.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Trying to agree on everything. </strong><span>Coming to a complete consensus on every issue is not going to happen. If you have a difference of opinion, ask yourselves who cares more or is impacted the most. Then let that person make the decision and take the responsibility. However, if you’re not willing to accept the responsibility for something, you can’t bitch about it later.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Making assumptions.</strong><span> Don’t assume anything! If you want to know something, ASK.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>5. Not communicating.</strong><span> A lot of problems can be avoided if you simply talk to each other. For example:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“I’d really appreciate it if you would…”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“I was disappointed that this didn’t happen. Can we talk about it?”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>6. Lying. </strong><span>If you ever think,</span><em> “Boy, I hope my spouse never finds out about this,”</em><span> then don’t do it.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>7. Not making your spouse a priority. </strong><span>Your spouse needs to be adored and appreciated, and given affection, attention, and compliments. Get your pride and ego out of the way, and stop dwelling on what </span><em>you</em><span> should be getting. </span><span> </span></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><strong><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! <br /> </em></strong><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2019-01-09T18:52:00ZIt's Not All About You: 4 Ways To Have a Strong MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Its-Not-All-About-You:-4-Ways-To-Have-a-Strong-Marriage/744981646325763497.html2018-09-28T20:24:00Z2018-09-28T20:24:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-57401f95-dbc6-8dfd-76e9-5f8698e3f79e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cb489229-de5f-3f11-11d0-f2f2f3b553fc">
<p dir="ltr"><br />Some people have very successful marriages, but the blunt fact is--some people suck at it. I hear it a lot on my program. People can be unbelievably petty and immature in their relationships. They pick a spouse and then don’t treat them the way they swore they would in their vows. Then they wonder why the whole thing goes south. Here are a few things you can do that are important to having a successful marriage.<br /><br /><strong>Be mature!</strong> Probably the most important quality to have in a marriage is the level of maturity that only comes with age. This is why human beings under the age of 30 don’t do as well at it. They haven’t had time to become autonomous, independent adults. A mature person is aware that life can be stressful, but they don’t permit themselves to become stressed.<br /><br /><strong>Honor your commitment to your spouse’s happiness.</strong> Most of you think about yourself more than you think about the actual marriage or your spouse. You can’t make a commitment to a person and then put your own feelings and needs first. Spend time thinking how he/she really feels and how you can make them feel better. <br /><br /><strong>You should want the relationship more than you want your own way. </strong>If you mostly spend your time blaming them for how you feel about how they load the dishwasher, you’re going to have problems. Be aware that you’re not always going to get things your way. Have your head on straight and don’t forget about the bigger picture. <br /><br /><strong>Be your spouse's best cheerleader. </strong>Celebrate together, have fun together, support each others curiosities and interests and attempts to try something new. <br /><br />Aside from choosing wisely, these practices will definitely improve your chances for having a happy and healthy marriage.<br /><br /></p>
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<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_092818.png" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2018-09-28T20:24:00Z5 Tips to Having a More Emotional ConnectionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Tips-to-Having-a-More-Emotional-Connection/-498930153525410931.html2018-09-21T19:28:00Z2018-09-21T19:28:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-57401f95-dbc6-8dfd-76e9-5f8698e3f79e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cb489229-de5f-3f11-11d0-f2f2f3b553fc">
<p dir="ltr"><br />A lot of people use the word “intimate” when they’re really talking about sex, but being profoundly intimate with someone is a lot more than just intercourse. People can have sex without any intimacy or emotional connection. Having an actual spiritual link takes work. Here are five ways to help you build that bond with deep conversation.<br /><br /><strong>Have those emotional conversations.</strong> It takes time for everybody to become comfortable with having emotional conversations. If I’m revving up for one that is particularly emotional, I’ll preface it with “This is embarrassing and I’m uncomfortable, but I really need to talk about it.” Giving them a heads-up can help you relax and let the other person know that something important is going to come up. It also gives them the hint that maybe they need to be delicate with you because this is a delicate place you’re going inside yourself. <br /><br /><strong>Listen. </strong>To be intimate you really have to listen. Not just to the words, but to the meaning. You’ll hear me ask callers sometimes what they actually mean because if I were to use that same phrase, I might mean something entirely different. You really have to ask questions with getting upset and attacking. “I hear you saying this; what do you mean by that?”<br /><br /><strong>Be honest with yourself.</strong> This is a tough but important step. You need to be able to understand yourself and the reasons behind your feelings. You all know how I feel when people say “I don’t know,” because it’s simply not true. You have to look deep inside yourself to the causes of your feelings. If you can’t look inside yourself, how are you going to have the guts to talk about it with someone else?<br /><br /><strong>Touch. </strong>When you’re talking about emotionally intimate topics with your loved one, it’s important to feel connected. The best way to do that is with touch. Put your hand on theirs when you’re going to tell them something sensitive. Make eye contact. Think about it--touch is one of the first things we experience as a newborn.<br /><br /><strong>End things on a good note.</strong> After you deal with an emotional situation, it’s important that it end positively. Find some way to end it on a high note. Anything from “I’m so glad we talked about this” to “Thank you for listening!”<br /><br />Intimacy is a way of making the distance between two people dissolve. If you have this connection with someone you love, that is a huge blessing. It’s the one way you ultimately don’t feel alone. If you don’t want to let anyone in to know who you really are, that’s a sad self-condemnation. <br /><br /></p>
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<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_092118.png" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2018-09-21T19:28:00ZTips On How to Avoid Becoming DefensiveStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Tips-On-How-to-Avoid-Becoming-Defensive/-380360552859222929.html2018-09-12T20:33:00Z2018-09-12T20:33:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-57401f95-dbc6-8dfd-76e9-5f8698e3f79e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cb489229-de5f-3f11-11d0-f2f2f3b553fc">
<p dir="ltr"><br />I want to say that after over 40 years of doing this, I am impressed with my callers’ ability to handle criticism. There are situations where some callers can’t tolerate me pounding on their heads and they become defensive. You may not agree with everything that I say, but the ability to avoid becoming defensive is key to actually having a meaningful discussion. Here are a few ways that will help you deal with becoming defensive. <br /><br /><strong>Check in with yourself.</strong> Immediately upon being criticized, a person starts to FEEL attacked. They FEEL like they’re not being respected or liked. You have to be in control of your feelings. You hear me say it all the time. “Don’t tell me your feelings.” You have to avoid reacting quickly and emotionally based on your feelings and first make a really good assessment that what you’re feeling is meaningful. <br /><br /><strong>Listen.</strong> Defensiveness can actually turn people off from wanting to talk to you. If you can’t listen to anyone because you become too defensive, it can affect your work life, your friends, or your loved ones. Hear out what they have to say before your head explodes and determine if there is any truth to what they’re telling you. <br /><br /><strong>Stay calm.</strong> Blowing up and immediately disagreeing with someone’s opinion will only lead to an argument. It’s important to stay calm and take away what you can from what they’re telling you. You can even just simply say, “You know, I need to think about what you’re saying.” You can reflect on it later or talk about it with people you trust. <br /><br /><strong>Step away from the conversation.</strong> Sometimes people are irrational. Opinions are not facts. It might seem personal but sometimes it’s not and you may just need to calmly remove yourself from the conversation. You should only accept the criticism of someone you admire. You don’t have to agree, but you don’t have to disagree either. <br /><br />If you can put these strategies into place and avoid letting yourself become defensive, you’ll be able to accept criticism and have more meaningful conversations.<br /><br /></p>
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<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_091218.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2018-09-12T20:33:00ZQuestions to Ask Yourself When A Friend Disappoints YouStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Questions-to-Ask-Yourself-When-A-Friend-Disappoints-You/-697194394233173350.html2018-08-10T18:01:00Z2018-08-10T18:01:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563">
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How do we handle someone letting us down? Even hearing me speak those words is probably making you think about a time you were disappointed by a friend. When you’re faced with this situation, there are questions you need to ask yourself before your head explodes or you spend 4 months crying.<br /><br /><strong>Is it a pattern or an event?</strong> I have asked this on-air a million times. Everybody can be obnoxious, self-centered or ridiculous every now and again, but if this a constant in your dealings with this person, then maybe you have the wrong friend.<br /><br /><strong>Is your friendship balanced?</strong> Do you find yourself giving more support than you’re receiving? A true friendship should never be one-sided.<br /><br /><strong>Your friend can’t be your mother or your therapist</strong>. That’s an unrealistic expectation on either side and it will only set you up for disappointment. Sure, a friend should be there for you, but there are limitations to how much they can support you. <br /><br /><strong>Do you ask for more than they can give you?</strong> Nobody has an unlimited amount of praise, patience or encouragement. When you constantly need their support, they may get burned out and need a break.<br /><br /><strong>Are they truly a friend?</strong> If a person is a constant problem or struggle to be around, it’s possible you’re just not a match.<br /><br />Figuring out how to cope when a friendship falls flat can be difficult. It’s important to consider these questions carefully before you decide if your friends behavior is unacceptable.<br />
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</span><br /> </span>Staff2018-08-10T18:01:00ZKeys to Achieving SuccessStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Keys-to-Achieving-Success/-49850302658644786.html2018-08-02T20:12:00Z2018-08-02T20:12:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563">
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Success isn’t something you’re born with. When success is handed to you, it’s not yours - it’s theirs and you’re just taking the carpet ride. Anyone can become successful with the right amount of hard work and dedication. Here are a few key things you can do that will help you achieve your goal.<br /><br /><strong>What do you want to be successful at?</strong> Whether it’s owning your own company or writing a best-selling book, you’re not going to have a shot at doing something until you have the guts to dream something up. Don’t save it for a bucket list, do it now!<br /><br /><strong>Have the grit to keep pushing yourself.</strong> Once you know what you want, it takes a complete commitment to reach your goal. You may not be perfect right away, but every attempt gets you closer and closer!<br /><br /><strong>Grow from your failures.</strong> No one succeeds without a few failures. You’re going to fail a thousand times. Don’t let it stop you from pursuing your dream!<br /><br /><strong>Work really hard to be excellent.</strong> It may never be excellent, but go above and beyond to try to get there. “Just enough” isn’t something you should settle for.<br /><br /><strong>Take chances!</strong> You can’t play it safe if you want to accomplish your goals. You have to get out of your comfort zone. A big reason people aren’t successful is they’re not willing to suffer. Get out there!<br /><br /><strong>Keep a balance.</strong> Don’t waste your energy on things that aren’t helping you achieve success. Focus on your future and the steps you need to take to get there.<br /><br />If you stick with these practices, any goal you set will become closer to being accomplished.<br />
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</span><br /> </span>Staff2018-08-02T20:12:00ZBullying and What Kids Can Do To Help Stop ItStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Bullying-and-What-Kids-Can-Do-To-Help-Stop-It/850336895659518434.html2018-07-26T16:19:00Z2018-07-26T16:19:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563">
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I doubt there is anyone who hasn’t been bullied at one point in their life. Bullying is unwanted aggression and has become even more common these days. It doesn’t happen because of a lack of ability to communicate - it happens because bullies get off on making others feel bad.<br /><br />Humans can be incredibly mean to each other. People are emboldened to say the meanest, cruelest things to others - especially on social media or in person. Unfortunately, bullying is here to stay and it is on the rise.<br /><br />I believe there are two major things that kids can do to help stop bullying:<br /> <br /><strong>1. Step Up.</strong><br />Research shows that when kids step in to stop the bullying, the incident typically stops within 10 seconds! In the heat of the moment, kids don’t know what to do and there are too few programs to teach them how to stand up for others. That’s where you as a parent must step in. You need to teach your kids to step up for others and for themselves.<br /> <br /><strong>2. Stand by someone who was bullied. </strong><br />If they know of an act of bullying, but weren’t able to act for whatever reason, they can then go to the person and express remorse for what happened to them and tell them that they will stand by their side to get help.<br /><br /><strong>Bottom line</strong> - teach your kids to stand up for others and themselves.<br />
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</span><br /> </span>Staff2018-07-26T16:19:00ZHow To Become A Better ListenerStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-To-Become-A-Better-Listener/196404330504509740.html2018-07-18T15:39:00Z2018-07-18T15:39:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563">
<p dir="ltr"><br />One of the problems in today’s society is that we don’t communicate. Most importantly, <strong>we don’t listen</strong>. There can be many reasons why you aren’t listening. Maybe you don’t want to hear something that is contrary to your ideas or you simply don’t want to know things. Here are a few ideas on how to become a better listener.<br /><br /></p>
<ol>
<li><strong>Make eye contact with the other person</strong>; it shows they have your attention.<br /><br /> </li>
<li><strong>Turn off your cell phone</strong>, so you’re not distracted from what someone has to say.<br /><br /> </li>
<li><strong>Actually <em>listen</em></strong> to what the other person is saying; it makes for a better and deeper relationship.<br /><br /> </li>
<li><strong>Summarize what the other person has said.</strong> By summarizing out loud, you are sharing your interpretation of what they said. It gives the other person an opportunity to clarify things that may have been misinterpreted.<br /><br /> </li>
<li><strong>If you have questions regarding what they said, <em>ask </em>them! </strong>Don’t just assume - that’s where misunderstandings originate.<br /><br /> </li>
<li><strong>Let the other person talk. </strong> Don’t interrupt. It feels really good when someone listens and when they feel they’ve been heard, they may not need advice. Instead, maybe all they need is a hug!<br /><br /> </li>
<li><strong>If you’ve been in a similar situation, share your experience,</strong> as it can help people feel good and less alone</li>
</ol>
<p dir="ltr"><br />It’s unrealistic to think you can get along in this world without embracing other people’s truths. By becoming a better listener, you also become a better friend and/or spouse.</p>
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</span><br /> </span>Staff2018-07-18T15:39:00ZThe ABCs of SummerStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-ABCs-of-Summer/-985323243988596214.html2018-07-12T15:54:00Z2018-07-12T15:54:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563">
<p dir="ltr"><br />This idea came from one of our beloved listeners.<br /><br /><em>“On the first day of summer break when we found ourselves out on Antelope Island, my son said, ‘A is for Antelope Island,’ and an idea was born.“ <br /></em><br />You can go in alphabetical order and hope to finish by the end of the summer. It would be just as fun to go in random order and try to accomplish 26 activities in a month! Our list is made up of inexpensive activities in our area but you can easily make your own list. <br /><br />Here are some tips for making a list of your own:<br /><br /></p>
<ul>
<li>Have a brainstorming session with the kids. Ask them what fun things they would like to do this summer. They'll be able to make a great list that will probably include things like a water balloon fight, making ice cream, or having a picnic. This way you'll be able to fill in your list with easy activities you would naturally be doing this summer anyhow. Once you have this list, you can supplement with activities you've researched as suggested below.<br /><br /></li>
<li>Look up local parks, pools, hikes, and activities in your area. There are compiled lists available online that you can pick and choose from according to the letters of the alphabet. <br /><br /></li>
<li>Look up your local library system. They will have calendars online for the various libraries near you and the free events they are offering. <br /><br /></li>
<li>Download the AllTrails app. Type in the name of the cities nearest you, and it will tell you all the hikes in the area. Just remember that even though the app rates a hike as "easy," don't take that at face value. Do some extra research on the hikes to find out which ones are actually kid-friendly. If it gains a lot of elevation, has really rocky or tricky terrain, or is longer than 2-3 miles, it may be better for older kids. Plus, the best hikes for kids have something rewarding at the end like a waterfall, a lake, or a cave. <br /><br /></li>
<li>Think of friends and family members' names. Is there someone you could visit or invite for dinner?</li>
</ul>
<p dir="ltr">If you can’t come up with a list on your own, try this:</p>
<ul>
<li>Airplanes (Make paper airplanes and fly them at the park or go to a military museum)</li>
<li>Badminton (Baseball, Basketball, Batting Cages)</li>
<li>Crafts</li>
<li>Dogs (Visit the local shelter and volunteer to walk the dogs)</li>
<li>Elderly (Do a service project for one of your elderly neighbors)</li>
<li>Farm (Visit a local farm or Farmers’ Market)</li>
<li>Garden (Plant one) or Game Night (Play board and card games as a family.)</li>
<li>Home Improvement (Make something together to beautify your home)</li>
<li>Ice Cream (Make it homemade or go for a family outing)</li>
<li>Jump rope contest (Jell-O Wrestling would also be hilarious!) </li>
<li>Kid’s Movie night w/ Kettle Corn</li>
<li>Lemonade Stand</li>
<li>Marshmallows (Make a fire and roast them up)</li>
<li>Night Games (Play steal the flag or hide-n-seek)</li>
<li>Olympics (Create a neighborhood or family Olympics)</li>
<li>Pool Party!</li>
<li>Quiet Acts of Service</li>
<li>Race (Make Pinewood Derby cars or Rain Gutter Regatta boats and have a race)</li>
<li>Splash Park</li>
<li>Tennis</li>
<li>University (See what free museums your local universities have to offer)</li>
<li>Volleyball</li>
<li>Water Balloon Fight</li>
<li>X Marks the Spot (Make a treasure hunt or try geocaching)</li>
<li>Yoga</li>
<li>Zoo</li>
</ul>
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</span><br /> </span>Staff2018-07-12T15:54:00ZHow to Constructively Diffuse An Angry SituationStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Constructively-Diffuse-An-Angry-Situation/959862329703315789.html2018-06-28T15:37:00Z2018-06-28T15:37:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563">
<p dir="ltr"><br />Dealing with your spouses anger in a positive way can be tricky. If the situation is violent, you shouldn’t be there to begin with. When you’re dealing with a screaming fit, it’s important to know what to do.</p>
<ol id="docs-internal-guid-64d5665f-3916-af09-207c-cf80d5b6dd78">
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Remember that anger is secondary.</strong> They might have a ferocious look on their face, but chances are that they are on the verge of tears. </p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Take a breath and don’t yell back.</strong> Keep your tone and behavior calm. When someone is yelling, it’s easy to yell back. Feeding into the anger will get you nowhere. </p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Keep the environment soothing.</strong> Sit down to talk and keep your voice at a soothing level.</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>LISTEN.</strong> Don’t just encourage them to talk about what is causing their anger, actually listen to validate their feelings and do not become defensive. </p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Relax.</strong> Your adrenaline is still spiking, even though you’re staying calm and relaxed. Just remember that it’s a normal reaction to being yelled at and overcome it. </p>
</li>
</ol>What I’m telling you isn’t easy to do, but these tips are very important to calming an angry situation and moving past it.<br />
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
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</span><br /> </span>Staff2018-06-28T15:37:00ZPeople You Should Never MarryStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/People-You-Should-Never-Marry/-418574269363357026.html2018-06-25T22:33:00Z2018-06-25T22:33:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563">
<p dir="ltr"><span id="docs-internal-guid-aaa892b4-3916-6518-dc84-8d33e04230d3">If people are desperate</span><span>, </span><span>they believe things about themselves that aren’t true. They may believe that they are fat, ugly, stupid, and unloveable. </span><span>When people are in this state, they can make weird choices</span><span>. That’s the desperation part</span><span>,</span><span> and you need to have a list to help you avoid making poor choices or making excuses for these choices. </span><span>Here are some traits to look for to let you know that these are not people you should marry:</span> <br /><br /></p>
<ol id="docs-internal-guid-64d5665f-3916-af09-207c-cf80d5b6dd78">
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Abusive</strong><span> - someone who makes sure there is always tension</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Argues About Something</strong><span> - someone who can’t express emotions outside of arguing</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Lies</strong><span> - someone constantly lying about things big or small</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Impulsive</strong><span> - someone who does things without thought or makes unplanned purchases</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Breaks Promises</strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>A Million Excuses</strong><span> - someone who isn’t accountable</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Narrow Minded</strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Always Has to Be Right</strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Clingy</strong><span> - someone who has a lot insecurities</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Won’t Listen to Your Views</strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Hates Your Family</strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Has Bad Habits</strong><span> - Smoking or chewing tobacco</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Hates Animals</strong></p>
</li>
</ol>
<p dir="ltr"><span id="docs-internal-guid-9828cc73-3918-17e9-3570-64ef98dafc32">If you feel drained or just generally worse being around these people, then they’re a bad choice for you. </span><span>If you know you’re doing something wrong</span><span>,</span><span> </span><span>then consider </span><span>get</span><span>ting</span><span> sterilized. I’m good with people doing stupid things that only impact themselves, but if you bring children into these situations, that’s wrong.</span><br /><br /></p>
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<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
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</span><br /> </span>Staff2018-06-25T22:33:00Z6 Tips for Dealing with In-LawsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Tips-for-Dealing-with-In-Laws/-31760244183924336.html2018-05-22T21:04:00Z2018-05-22T21:04:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563">
<p dir="ltr"><br />It can be quite a challenge marrying into a new family. Here are 6 tips to help ease the transition. <br /><br /><strong>1. Get to know the family first.</strong> Before you marry someone, get to know their whole family. Living in different states or time zones shouldn’t stop you from meeting and getting to know them. When you get married, you’re marrying the whole family. It’s important to be familiar with them to avoid any surprises in the future. <br /><br /><strong>2. Pre-marital counseling.</strong> Nothing destroys a marriage more than when two people are not a united front. Six to nine months of pre-marital counseling will help you discuss with your fiancé how you will handle difficult situations once you’re married, not only regarding in-laws, but as a whole. <br /><br /><strong>3. Immediately communicate problems.</strong> Problems and misunderstandings will happen, even with the best-laid plans. Be sure to communicate these directly with the family member you’re having the issue with. Many times these issues are a result of a misunderstanding and are not intended to be malicious. <br /><br /><strong>4. Be flexible.</strong> All families do things in different ways. It’s important to remember this and go with the flow when you encounter family traditions and concepts that are different from your own. <br /><br /><strong>5. Take a breath.</strong> Sometimes people let things slip that can be hurtful. It’s easy to let words or actions upset you, so it’s important to take a deep breath and move forward. <br /><br /><strong>6. Be respectful.</strong> Your in-laws don’t have to love you, and you don’t have to love them. Regardless of that, they are now part of your family. It’s important to treat them (and for them to treat you) with respect and be polite.<br /><br /></p>
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</span>Staff2018-05-22T21:04:00ZWhy Checking Work Email After-Hours Is Bad for YouStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Checking-Work-Email-After-Hours-Is-Bad-for-You/-731393388568566035.html2018-05-08T15:15:00Z2018-05-08T15:15:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563">
<p dir="ltr"><br />I want you to stop and think about the amount of time that you spend checking work email outside of work. Most of you are addicted to it. It reminds me of an episode that I saw of <em>Star Trek: The Next Generation</em> ironically called “The Game”, where the crew found a shiny object and became addicted to it. The object was so attractive and compelling that they preferred it over real life. This is what I believe checking work email outside of work has become. <br /><br />Many of you spend up to 10 hours a day checking after-hours work email, easily increasing your work week to over 70 hours or more. And for what? You’re not getting paid for it and in some cases, your employers may be violating labor laws. In fact, you’re probably less productive because you’re slowly but surely burning yourself out. <br /><br />Checking work email outside of work affects everything from leisure time to family time. These are hours you aren’t spending on dates with your spouse, going out with family or friends, or having a personal life. You are missing out on life!<br /><br />Furthermore, it takes a large toll on your health. If you are receiving and answering email at all hours of the day, you may be experiencing a lack of sleep and a cascading list of other health-related problems, including heart disease, sore muscles, and back pain.<br /><br />Email and text messages are also problematic because you can’t see body language or hear tone of voice. The written word sounds very different than the spoken word and can lead to misunderstandings.<br /><br />Do yourself a favor - disengage from your work email and instead, engage with friends, family and yourself, otherwise you will miss out on life.</p>
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</span>Staff2018-05-08T15:15:00ZSpying on Your SpouseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Spying-on-Your-Spouse/335793706525838240.html2018-05-01T22:05:00Z2018-05-01T22:05:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"><span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"><span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"><span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"><span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"><span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"><span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"><span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"><span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"><span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"><span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"><span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"><span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"><span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"><span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"><span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"><span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"><span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563">If you’re snooping, the relationship is already over. Let me explain why. <br /><br />In a healthy relationship, two people trust each other and don’t give each other reasons to distrust. They also respect each other’s right to privacy, personal space, and some life that extends beyond the relationship as long as it does not compromise the commitment. It’s amazing how few people can do that.<br /><br />Snooping is actually more of a statement about you than the other person because the moment you snoop, you become untrustworthy. The hypocrisy is amazing - here you are accusing him or her of sneaking around, but you’re sneaking and being deceitful when you snoop. You may even only get partial information, which in the context of the whole story makes you look like a major ass. If you find out your spouse is completely on the up-and-up, by virtue of spying, you’ve now committed the highest magnitude of violation.<br /><br />Invading someone’s privacy is really immature. You probably need therapeutic help because clearly you’re compelled from fear, self-doubt, insecurity, or distrust, which started well before you met this person. All of this erodes the core foundation of love and trust in the relationship, without which there is no relationship. If I were in a relationship with a guy who was checking my cell phone or email, that’d be the end of it right there.<br /><br />If you have evidence that you’ve noticed or you really believe that you can’t trust this person, you don’t need to snoop - you already have what you need right in front of you (and you know it). Sure, every now and again I will suggest to callers on my show that they should hire a private detective. <strong>However, the bigger question you need to ask yourself is, are you prepared to deal with the answer once you get it?</strong><br /><br />The other day, a lady called my show and admitted that for years she had not treated her husband very well and had taken him for granted. There was no love, affection, attention, sexuality, or sensuality. So, he had started going to strip joints with a buddy, and she was snooping to confirm her suspicion. I told her that she already knew what he was doing; the question now was, what was she going to do with the information? He hadn’t cheated and he hadn’t left her. Was she going to throw away a perfectly good man and years of marriage, or was she going to wear something ridiculously sexy that night when he came home and start stripping for him? I assured her that if she did the latter, he wouldn’t be going back to the strip club. Guaranteed. <br /><br />So, it all comes down to what you do with the information. Are you going to rise to the occasion or be an idiot? If you feel that snooping is the only way you can find out what your partner is doing, just know that the trust is already gone. Once you gather evidence, reveal your suspicions and give your spouse a chance to confirm or deny. If they don’t come clean, then the relationship is in deep trouble, and you have a big decision to make.<ol> </ol>
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</span>Staff2018-05-01T22:05:00Z5 Reasons to Live Beneath Your MeansStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Reasons-to-Live-Beneath-Your-Means/592811681776315531.html2018-04-24T15:50:00Z2018-04-24T15:50:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563">
<p dir="ltr">My personal way of looking at finances has always been, if I have it, I can use it; if I don’t have it, I budget. Most Americans struggle to make ends meet, which results in a great deal of financial and marital stress. We all need to learn to live beneath our means and pretend we make a lot less money than we do. Here are some of the reasons why:</p>
<br />1. <strong>You have less stress in your life.</strong> When the finances are tight, you’re upset and stressed. You’re not nice to your kids or your spouse, much less yourself. <br /><br />2. <strong>You can probably have some of your dreams come true.</strong> Whether it’s a dream vacation or dream car, if you’re living beneath your means you can save up and buy some goodies. <br /><br />3. <strong>You learn that more is just more and does not lead to happiness.</strong> I’ve lived with very little, and I’ve lived with a lot. I prefer having a lot, but it doesn’t eradicate all of the aches, pains, struggles, strife, and disappointments of life. That’s why being content with what you have is so important. <br /><br />4. <strong>You have an emergency fund.</strong> It’s always important to have an emergency fund in case your car breaks down, the air conditioning fails, etc. Something like that always happens. <br /><br />5. <strong>You can help others.</strong> When you give, you feel good, the person you’re helping feels good, and you add some good to the world. <br /><ol> </ol>
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</span>Staff2018-04-24T15:50:00Z7 Ways to Be Your Husband's Girlfriend After You're MarriedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/7-Ways-to-Be-Your-Husbands-Girlfriend-After-Youre-Married/291045444004087638.html2018-04-19T07:01:00Z2018-04-19T07:01:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563">
<p dir="ltr"><br />Marriages die when husbands stop treating their wives like girlfriends and wives stop treating their husbands like boyfriends. Being your spouse’s boyfriend/girlfriend means treating him/her like you did in the beginning and not taking each other for granted. Today, I’m only going to focus on the wives. So ladies, listen up. Here are 7 ways to be your husband’s girlfriend after you’re married:</p>
<ol>
<li> <strong>Ask for his advice.</strong> Chances are you didn’t marry him because he was stupid - you married him because he had something to offer. Whether it’s trouble with a girlfriend, something at work, or considerations about politics, ask for his advice. Show that you respect his opinions and his ability to make decisions. It doesn’t mean you have to lockstep with him and do everything he says; it means you tap into his well of knowledge and his (perhaps) more objective perspective. Plus, men feel good when their wives come to them for advice. <br /><br /></li>
<li><strong>Take an active interest in what he does for a living. </strong>Be a sounding board for the frustrations and aggravations, and a cheering section for the successes. If you don’t, he’ll only feel more lonely and cornered in his own headspace because on top of being miserable at work, his wife doesn’t seem to care or understand. </li>
<li><strong>Brag about him.</strong> Most wives bitch about their husbands. Be the one who brags instead, both when he’s there and when he’s not around. <br /><br /></li>
<li><strong>Make mental notes about things he mentions.</strong> If he talks about wanting something in passing, make a mental note of it and make it happen. <br /><br /></li>
<li><strong>Express your admiration.</strong> Think about how you look at him. Pay attention to the tone you use when you talk to him. Men are far less verbal. It’s not just about what you say but how you say it. <br /><br /></li>
<li><strong>Be his support system.</strong> Give him plenty of support as he pursues career goals, education, and hobbies. Encourage him when he gets down. <br /><br /></li>
<li><strong>Say you’re sorry.</strong> Love is NOT about “never having to say you’re sorry.” It’s actually just the opposite. When you love someone, you hold yourself accountable, acknowledge when you’ve done something wrong, and ask for forgiveness.</li>
</ol>
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</span>Staff2018-04-19T07:01:00ZWhat to Do When You're Feeling EmptyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-to-Do-When-Youre-Feeling-Empty/585309445372624031.html2018-04-17T07:01:00Z2018-04-17T07:01:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563">
<p dir="ltr"><br />Each and every one of us goes through times when we feel empty, lonely, self-critical, and not good enough. Here’s how you can get through it:<br /><br />1. <strong>Be kinder to yourself.</strong> Failing at something isn’t a statement about your whole personage. You need to stop being so upset with yourself. The reason we fall is so that we can learn to pick ourselves back up.<br /><br />2. <strong>Let go of the past.</strong> Holding on to the past is like trying to run up stairs with huge weights tied to your ankles. You have to let go of the past. <br /><br />3. <strong>Get out of your comfort zone.</strong> The only way to get comfortable with something is to do it without feeling comfortable. Find out what you really like to do, and then do it. <br />Listen to your own inner voice, not what other people say. Be brave enough to make your own decisions. <br /><br />4. <strong>Talk it out.</strong> When something isn’t going right in your life, talk to a friend, relative, therapist, or clergy member. When you keep a problem in your head, it seems amorphous, but as soon as you say it out loud, it’s like a vase on the table - it’s something you can look at and face. </p>
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</span>Staff2018-04-17T07:01:00ZHow to Avoid a Life Filled with RegretsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Avoid-a-Life-Filled-with-Regrets/558852945890151946.html2018-04-12T07:01:00Z2018-04-12T07:01:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563">
<p dir="ltr">If you want to look back on your life and avoid being filled with regret, here are 7 things you need to stop doing right now:<br /><br />1. <strong>Letting somebody else choose your life.</strong> Don’t allow other people to decide your mission or your path. <br /><br />2.<strong> Worrying about what others think. </strong>No matter who you are, there are going to be people who judge you simply because you exist and have a point of view. <br /><br />3. <strong>Spending time with negative, evil, or destructive people.</strong> Even if someone is family, wasting your life on an emotional vampire is a choice, not an obligation. <br /><br />4. <strong>Running away from change.</strong> Any time you take a risk or challenge yourself, you grow from it. Even if things don’t turn out the way you expect or hope, it’s a lesson learned. <br /><br />5. <strong>Trying to micromanage the universe.</strong> You can’t control every person or situation. The sooner you accept that, the less disappointed you’ll be. <br /><br />6. <strong>Acting lazy or wishy-washy.</strong> It’s like being a ghost of a person. By the same token, if you’ve worked hard for something, don’t compromise.<br /><br />7. <strong>Waiting until tomorrow. </strong>Tomorrow may be another day, but it may not include you.</p>
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</span>Staff2018-04-12T07:01:00ZHelping Kids Face Their FearsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Helping-Kids-Face-Their-Fears/130119300512273723.html2018-04-10T07:01:00Z2018-04-10T07:01:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563">
<p dir="ltr"><span id="docs-internal-guid-88ee53f9-8c31-8255-5724-9f050df16e58"><span>As parents, we want to help our kids face their fears so they can enjoy life. Here are 5 tips to make an experience less traumatic and scary: <br /></span></span><br /><strong>1. Do things gradually.</strong> If your child is afraid to go swimming, start by sitting on the edge of the pool with your feet in the water. Next, put on floaties and walk around in the shallow end. Finally, have your child crouch down with the water up to his or her neck. Anxiety is proportional to the magnitude of what is being experienced, which is why diving into the pool may be traumatizing, but each of the more gradual steps won’t be. <br /><br /><strong>2. Never force.</strong> Coax instead. You want your child to feel like he or she is in control and mastering something, not just having something happen. More importantly, you will no longer be trusted. <br /><br /><strong>3. Don’t yell, scream, or punish.</strong> The best way to have a child face his or her fears is to encourage. For example, “I didn’t think you were going to be able to do that today - I’m really impressed with your courage.” Giving kudos motivates kids. <br /><br /><strong>4. Empathize. </strong>Talk about what you were afraid of when you were a kid and how you overcame it. <br /><br /><strong>5. Never act disappointed</strong>. If your child is really struggling, emphasize that it’s not a big deal and that there is no rush. Be patient.</p>
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</span>Staff2018-04-10T07:01:00Z5 Tips to Have a More Productive DayStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Tips-to-Have-a-More-Productive-Day/-406291576819240258.html2018-04-05T19:00:00Z2018-04-05T19:00:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563">
<p dir="ltr"><span id="docs-internal-guid-88ee53f9-8c31-8255-5724-9f050df16e58"><span>Getting more done each day isn’t necessarily about working harder - it’s about working smarter. <br /><br />Here are 5 tips to have a more productive day:<br /><br /></span></span><br />1. <strong>Map out your day the night before.</strong> One of the best ways to have a very productive day is to make a brief list the night before of what needs to be accomplished the next day - no ifs, ands or buts. Then rearrange it in order of priority. You’re never going to get done everything you want to accomplish, but if you do things in order of priority, then you’ll be sure to get the most important things done. It also helps to do the difficult things first to get them out of the way. <br /><br />2. <strong>Get up 15-30 minutes earlier. </strong>Meditate, pray, do yoga, or make coffee and watch the sunrise. Start the day off in peace. <br /><br />3. <strong>Eliminate distractions. </strong>With cell phones and email, it’s very easy to become distracted. Focus on one thing at a time. The biggest killer of productivity is allowing distractions to distract you. <br /><br />4. <strong>Take breaks.</strong> The brain can only focus for about an hour and a half at a time. Then it goes kaputt. <br /><br />5.<strong> Celebrate a job well done.</strong> At the end of the day, reflect on what you’ve done, think about what you can do better next time, and celebrate the stuff you handled well. One thing people don’t do enough of is celebrate themselves for a job well done. </p>
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</span>Staff2018-04-05T19:00:00ZHow to Beat the 7-Year Itch in Your MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Beat-the-7-Year-Itch-in-Your-Marriage/381771671272177235.html2018-04-03T15:47:00Z2018-04-03T15:47:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563">
<p dir="ltr"><span id="docs-internal-guid-88ee53f9-8c31-8255-5724-9f050df16e58"><span>When the honeymoon phase of a marriage begins to wane, many people start to get restless and uncomfortable despite the fact that the mature part of the relationship provides security, warmth, friendship, commitment, and safety. <br /><br />Here’s how to beat the seven-year itch:<br /><br /></span></span><strong>1. Figure out why the relationship is boring.</strong> Many couples feel like the relationship has become boring when really they are the ones who have become boring. They transfer their lack of enthusiasm about work or other aspects of their lives to the relationship, thus creating problems. <br /><br /><strong>2. Forget about having a perfect relationship.</strong> Nobody is perfect, and therefore, no relationship between two imperfect human beings is going to be perfect. Expecting to have a perfect relationship only puts stress on your psyche and the relationship itself.<br /><br /><strong>3. Touch and talk. Express gratitude.</strong> Say sweet stuff out loud. Walk by each other and give little pecks on the neck or rubs on the shoulder. Talk to each other without constantly bitching about your kids, house, jobs, or in-laws.<br /><br /><strong>4. Do something your spouse really likes.</strong> If you want to make the relationship more interesting, pick something your husband or wife likes and do it with them (even if you couldn’t care less about it). If they like cooking, go take a cooking class. You’ll probably have more fun than you think.</p>
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</span>Staff2018-04-03T15:47:00Z5 Values You Need to Teach Your ChildrenStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Values-You-Need-to-Teach-Your-Children/618388351038280603.html2018-03-29T15:41:00Z2018-03-29T15:41:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563">
<p dir="ltr"><span>It’s unbelievably difficult to teach kids values these days because they don’t often see those values operating around them. People running for the highest offices in the land tell blatant lies without shame of getting caught, and some of the biggest “role models” actually give us very little to look up to. The only way to turn the tide is to teach our kids to be better. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are 5 values you absolutely must teach your kids:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Telling the truth.</strong><span> The best way to encourage truthfulness in your kids is to be truthful yourself. When your kids hear you lying, you are essentially giving them permission to lie as well. You can promote the value of honesty further by rewarding your children when they demonstrate it.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Making amends. </strong><span>It’s not enough to simply own up to a mistake. Kids will do that just to make something go away (plus, getting them to say, “I’m sorry,” is relatively meaningless when you’re grabbing them by the arm and forcing them to say it). “Sorry” is a nice start, but what really matters is repairing the situation. How can I make it better? How can I make amends with the person I’ve hurt? When you know your child did something wrong, don’t corner him or her by asking, “Did you do _______?”. Instead say, “I know you broke the potted plant. When you’ve done something wrong, my expectation is that you come to me and we figure out how to make it right.” That should be the focus - making it right.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Taking on challenges. </strong><span>Avoiding excessive praise and providing gentle, honest feedback makes kids more determined to try hard. Congratulate their effort when they do something particularly tough or challenging, and point out when they have and haven’t done their best.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Being considerate of other people’s feelings. </strong><span>It’s a burden to put yourself aside and care for someone else. Yet, it’s also a moral obligation. Teach your kids that life is nothing without caring about others.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Showing affection.</strong> Being affectionate takes 10 seconds - a hug, a kiss, a note in a lunchbox, an “I love you”, a word of encouragement. Demonstrate to your children that other people matter more than whatever else is going on.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
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</span>Staff2018-03-29T15:41:00ZHow to Defeat Your Self-Destructive BehaviorStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Defeat-Your-Self-Destructive-Behavior/-61051464006838983.html2018-03-27T15:35:00Z2018-03-27T15:35:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-069f9cdc-801a-33b8-4c6f-435b7dcb3429"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3bddf1e3-805e-af49-5ad7-9fb4c6bada47"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0bccc2bc-8068-0995-86cb-1cd6e0f0a821"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6a49ae8b-8071-2143-c4c9-15ff6e2c4704"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-45b08dd9-8075-f0df-aa46-ef0d097ad765"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-54521ee1-80af-84c9-8ddb-3d9599bbc482">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Everybody has self-destructive behaviors, some worse than others. Some of these behaviors include:</span></p>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Self-harm (cutting, scratching, pulling out your hair, etc.) </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Gambling </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Overeating</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Abusing drugs or alcohol</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Having risky sex</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Shopping too much </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Ignoring your health and well-being </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Refusing to take responsibility </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Thinking negatively</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Acting overly needy</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Allowing others to treat you poorly</span></p>
</li>
</ul>
<p dir="ltr"><span>In order to stop a self-destructive behavior once and for all, the first step is to </span><strong>recognize what exactly it is you are doing wrong. </strong><span>If you can’t put your finger on it, ask the people who know and love you.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Next, you have to </span><strong>ask yourself<em> why</em> the behavior is negative. </strong><span>For example,</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“Why is drinking too much bad?”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“Because it leads to blackouts, hangovers, impaired decisions, and hurting the people I love.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>You have to think about what the advantages would be to change.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Step three is to </span><strong>figure out why you do it.</strong><span> Are you trying to fit in? Do you want to feel more secure? Are you trying to distract yourself from stress, guilt, shame, or remorse? What is your trigger? Our thoughts are linked to our feelings, which are in turn, linked to our behaviors. In other words, how you see yourself in the world really dictates, to a large extent, what you’re going to feel and what you’re going to do. </span><strong>Don’t hide from your feelings. </strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Lastly, you need to </span><strong>do something about it.</strong><span> Oftentimes, fear, anger, or anxiety lead us to exaggerate the negative and spiral back into the destructive behavior. You need to </span><strong>practice thinking about the positive and narrowing the negative.</strong><span> When you do that, it’s amazing how something completely horrendous can become utterly rational.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Make small changes. </strong><span>Add a piece of fruit or a vegetable to your lunch. Do something nice for someone else. Find an activity that does more good than harm, such as writing, painting, exercising, hiking, or gardening. Join an organization that talks about higher powers if that works for you. Whatever it is, you need to replace what you were doing with something healthier.</span></p>
</span><span id="docs-internal-guid-1f0605b4-807b-8870-4772-eb45388cc91f"> </span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_100616.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
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</span>Staff2018-03-27T15:35:00ZWhat Chivalry Looks LikeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-Chivalry-Looks-Like/-662144638345010508.html2018-03-22T17:13:00Z2018-03-22T17:13:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3be9b8d8-511a-8f50-058d-161e0e95c843"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a61738d-561b-50ce-cdd2-9bf96ca6fe14"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7c4c055e-6077-9844-558d-d657b63f895f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a00a6939-9277-709b-e266-cb4c7ca3be83"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-93fc59eb-9305-17e0-d070-d7fc05a76e00">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Chivalry is an important quality of a man’s behavior because it lets you know about his character patience, caring, and point of view. Here’s what true chivalry looks like:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He opens and holds doors for you.</strong><span> When you drive somewhere, he opens the door, takes you by the hand, and helps you in and out.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He makes sure you get home OK.</strong><span> He doesn’t just drop you off. He waits to see if you safely get inside.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He gives you his jacket when it’s cold. </strong><span>It should be hard-wired in his brain to protect you. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He cares about your opinions</strong><span><strong>. </strong>He listens to what you think and believe.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He has your back.</strong><span> When there’s an awkward situation, he’s there by your side.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He’s reliable.</strong> <span>If he says he’s going to do something, he does it.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He meets your friends and family</strong><span><strong>.</strong> He takes interest in the people close to you because he wants to know you better.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He expresses small gestures of affection</strong><span><strong>. </strong>Publicly grabbing your breasts or butt is not a gesture of affection. That’s just him showing he’s a dominant male that owns you. It’s his statement to the other men around that </span><em>“I have a big one, that’s why I have her.” </em><span>It has nothing to do with you.</span></p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2018-03-22T17:13:00Z6 Things That Hurt Your Marriage More Than CheatingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Things-That-Hurt-Your-Marriage-More-Than-Cheating/-109867848321082816.html2018-03-21T15:16:00Z2018-03-21T15:16:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f3bdfbfa-30db-93ef-fa68-d456102d7efc">
<p dir="ltr"><span>When we think about behaviors that ruin a marriage, people immediately jump to flirting and affairs. However, there are a number of things that hurt your marriage even worse:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Hiding, sneaking, and lying. </strong><span>Whether it’s to protect your spouse’s feelings or your own heinie, you should really be able to tell your spouse anything.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Lack of affection. </strong><span>When it comes to feeling connected, touching is even more important than talking.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Holding on to resentment.</strong><span> It’s very important to talk about things you’re upset about with your spouse. For example, “I’d like to feel more involved with making decisions about _____ .”</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Being stubborn. </strong><span>Marriage is a team effort. It’s about doing things together, not “my way or the highway.”</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Bitching about the small stuff. </strong><span>My favorite one is socks left on the floor. One day I received an email from a woman whose husband had died and she’d give anything to have his socks on the floor again. It really puts things in perspective.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Talking down and being competitive. </strong>You are supposed to be each other’s biggest cheerleaders, not competitors.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em><em> </em></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_052217.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span> </span>Staff2018-03-21T15:16:00ZConversations You Should Never Have in Front of Your KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Conversations-You-Should-Never-Have-in-Front-of-Your-Kids/-803617058225848564.html2018-03-15T16:04:00Z2018-03-15T16:04:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Kids are the most technically advanced mechanisms for hearing ever known to man. Which is why we need to be careful about what we say around them. Here are 5 conversations you should never have in front of your kids:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Serious arguments. </strong><span>If you’re going to have an argument or serious discussion, do it in a safe place where the kids can’t overhear (in the basement, out in the garage, etc.) Kids eavesdrop, and when they hear you and your spouse raising your voices at each other, it scares them. Plus, when you’re in that mode, you say things you don’t mean, but it stays in your child’s head forever.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Finances. </strong><span>Kids can feel anxiety, and if there’s one thing people get anxious about, it’s finances. Even though children don’t completely understand the concept of finances, they definitely understand that you’re freaking out.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Gossip. </strong><span>Don’t gossip about others in front of your children. They’ll pick it up and run with it, and they’ll become gossips themselves.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Kid-bashing. </strong><span>If you’re talking to your friend on the phone and your child overhears you saying things like, “My idiot son,” or, “My annoying daughter,” it’s absolutely devastating. Never speak negatively about your child unless you’re alone in your therapist’s office.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Negative self-talk.</strong> If you’re always beating up on yourself, two things will happen. 1) Your child will lose respect for you, and 2) He or she will also learn to do it. </p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_041017.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2018-03-15T16:04:00Z9 Ways to Be a Good ParentStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/9-Ways-to-Be-a-Good-Parent/335875333522937504.html2018-03-13T14:18:00Z2018-03-13T14:18:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8">
<p dir="ltr"><span>There is no way to be a perfect parent. But there are a million ways to be a good one. Here are 9 of the most important ones:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be there</strong><span><strong>.</strong> You can’t be good at anything if you don’t show up - parenting included. Make sure you go to all their events (dance recitals, sporting activities, school plays, etc.). Don’t let your career or hobbies devour your time. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Listen.</strong><span> Show that you’re interested in their thoughts feelings, opinions, and activities. I saw in the news that a school in Scotland put up a sign at three entrances asking for parents to not be on their phones when they pick up their children after class. The sign, which reads, “Greet your child with a smile, not a mobile,” calls for parents to interact with their kids and aims to encourage pupils to have discussions with their families at the end of the day. I couldn’t agree more. Put your phone down when you’re eating dinner or picking up your kids. One of my consistent favorite memories when my son was growing up was having mother-son chats when I put him to bed every night. He would lie under the covers all tucked in and I’d lie down on top of the covers next to him and stare up at the ceiling. He’d tell me what he was thinking and feeling, what happened that day, or if something was upsetting him. It was a quiet, peaceful, sweet, and intimate time with just my kidlet and me, looking up at the ceiling and chatting.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be consistent.</strong><span> Many parents don’t seem to think kids need rules, boundaries, or consistency. However, it’s just the opposite. Rules and boundaries give your child a sense of security and clarity. They know what’s OK, what’s not OK, and what pleases you and elevates them in your eyes.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be patient. </strong><span>Being patient with kids can be very hard because they will drive you up a wall. But take several breaths, count to 20, and remind yourself that you love your child.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Have fun</strong><span><strong>.</strong> Act silly together and find the humor. One activity I have recommended for years is to make a huge bowl of jello, cover the table with something, and then dump the jello on the table. It’s fun to squish and kids find it hilarious!</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Teach.</strong><span> You are your child’s first teacher, so it’s your job to make learning interesting to them. Read books, visit museums, and take trips to the zoo. Make learning something that is normal, natural, and exciting.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Apologize. </strong><span>When you blow it (and we all do) apologize. If you yelled or were wrong, say you’re sorry. Believe it or not, your child will actually be more likely to apologize to you as well.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Tell them you love them. </strong><span>You can never overdose a kid in telling them you love them. Hug them, kiss them, and hold their hand.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do your best. </strong>Look at the beautiful smile on your child’s face and know you’re doing well.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_041717.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2018-03-13T14:18:00Z7 Ways to Tell if Someone Is Ready for a RelationshipStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/7-Ways-to-Tell-if-Someone-Is-Ready-for-a-Relationship/-426801362385139371.html2018-03-12T16:12:00Z2018-03-12T16:12:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64">
<p dir="ltr"><span>It takes almost nothing to throw the word “love” around. Building a lasting relationship requires a heck of a lot more. Here are some of the signs that the person you’re dating is really ready for a relationship:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They accept that having the benefit of someone in their life comes with responsibilities. </strong><span>If they are just enjoying the perks and attention but don’t come through when you need them, that’s not someone who is ready for a relationship.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They are emotionally self-sufficient. </strong><span>Nobody is totally emotionally self-sufficient - we all need the comfort and support of friends and family. However, if someone puts the entire weight of their happiness on you, that’s a sign of immaturity.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They know how to open up.</strong><span> They can share their innermost thoughts, fears, insecurities, and vulnerabilities with you. It may take time, but if they can’t do that,</span><span> </span><span>there’s something wrong.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They have a clear sense of purpose in their life</strong><span><strong>. </strong>If somebody has no direction, they will likely be irresponsible towards commitment as well.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They have realistic expectations. </strong><span>None of us are perfect, and we all make mistakes. If they expect you to give them the moon, get out of Dodge.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They are willing to accommodate and compromise. </strong><span>They can make concessions without whining, bitching, or making you pay for it later.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They have let go of the past. </strong>If experiences from childhood or past relationships continue to linger, they are not ready to be in a relationship. You can have all the compassion and sympathy you want, but until they work on getting themselves healthy, you’re going to be sorry. </p>
</li>
</ol></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2018-03-12T16:12:00ZTeaching Kids About ForgivenessStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Teaching-Kids-About-Forgiveness/-679352999576674335.html2018-02-22T15:46:00Z2018-02-22T15:46:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-57401f95-dbc6-8dfd-76e9-5f8698e3f79e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cb489229-de5f-3f11-11d0-f2f2f3b553fc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3b98e9a3-de6b-0732-20e4-10a6567c04d5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad40bc79-1e8d-7df9-7db5-5f876f528326"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ed3a9caa-23e6-94a1-1e6d-dd0c29e55f55"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f63e201c-42aa-ca3b-bfce-fbc25204a76c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-167c1173-4d69-4824-2d01-3f7c75b8a9a0"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-126a294f-be32-4229-0110-009c114298b5">
<p dir="ltr"><span>The only time you should forgive someone is if they deserve forgiveness. Most of you hear something entirely different in church, and I categorically disagree with that point of view. I know it’s tied in to very serious and profound biblical beliefs about God/Jesus forgiving you for your sins. However, forgiveness is not to be thrown around like confetti.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>You should only forgive someone who has earned forgiveness. That means they have done the 4 R’s:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Take </span><strong>RESPONSIBILITY</strong><span>. That means acknowledging what they’ve done. They’re not coming up with excuses or blaming anybody else. They’re saying, <em>“</em></span><em>I did this, and it was wrong.”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Show true </span><strong>REMORSE</strong><span>. Saying you’re sorry because you got caught is not true remorse.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Try to </span><strong>REPAIR </strong><span>the damage they’ve caused. Some things are irreparable, like spreading rumors about someone. However, they can still put forth the effort to make things right.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Do whatever it takes to make sure they don’t </span><strong>REPEAT</strong><span> it.</span></p>
</li>
</ol>
<p dir="ltr"><span>If and only if the 4 R’s have been met can someone earn your forgiveness. Anything short of that shows disrespect to the victim and to the principles and values that were breached when the person did the bad deed. I believe in accountability, and I believe in justice. I don’t think you can pass on either of those an expect a civilized society. </span><strong>Letting go of being angry is letting go, it’s not forgiveness. Forgiveness is earned.</strong></p>
</span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span> </span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_022218.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2018-02-22T15:46:00Z10 Habits to Help You Deal with Your AnxietyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/10-Habits-to-Help-You-Deal-with-Your-Anxiety/49534428864208873.html2018-02-20T16:35:00Z2018-02-20T16:35:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-57401f95-dbc6-8dfd-76e9-5f8698e3f79e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cb489229-de5f-3f11-11d0-f2f2f3b553fc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3b98e9a3-de6b-0732-20e4-10a6567c04d5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad40bc79-1e8d-7df9-7db5-5f876f528326"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ed3a9caa-23e6-94a1-1e6d-dd0c29e55f55"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f63e201c-42aa-ca3b-bfce-fbc25204a76c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-167c1173-4d69-4824-2d01-3f7c75b8a9a0"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c0f91093-529b-be98-8e7b-4b84bc6136b5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-496fd2ba-9518-5d16-9f28-bdc12baa8d95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c6c0d36c-b412-b10e-c48b-04b4f4a7adab">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Many people complain about having too much on their plates but refuse to take anything off the plate. Prioritizing and problem-solving are important parts of dealing with life. Here are 10 tips to help you when you’re feeling overwhelmed.</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Take walks.</strong><span> Even if it’s just around the block, get outside in nature. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Place scents around the house. </strong><span>Scents can be very calming.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Straighten up your desk or clean the kitchen. </strong><span>Putting things in order gives you a sense of control.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Spend quality time with people who care about you. </strong><span>Talking things out with someone is way more anxiety-reducing than keeping your feelings bottled up.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Take a hot shower, pet your dog or cat, watch a show that makes you laugh, or turn on some music.</strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Hit the gym. </strong><span>Be sure to stretch. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Go to bed</strong><span><strong>.</strong> Sleep deprivation can make people anxious, and without enough sleep, it’s hard to feel good the next day.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Give and receive hugs.</strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Take breaks. </strong><span>If you don’t take breaks, you wear down the equipment (the equipment being your mind, body, and soul).</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t compare and express gratitude. </strong></p>
</li>
</ol></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span> </span></span></span></span> </span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_022018.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2018-02-20T16:35:00Z6 Bad Mistakes Even Good Parents MakeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Bad-Mistakes-Even-Good-Parents-Make/982818570369541803.html2018-02-14T16:13:00Z2018-02-14T16:13:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-57401f95-dbc6-8dfd-76e9-5f8698e3f79e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cb489229-de5f-3f11-11d0-f2f2f3b553fc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3b98e9a3-de6b-0732-20e4-10a6567c04d5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad40bc79-1e8d-7df9-7db5-5f876f528326"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ed3a9caa-23e6-94a1-1e6d-dd0c29e55f55"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f63e201c-42aa-ca3b-bfce-fbc25204a76c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-167c1173-4d69-4824-2d01-3f7c75b8a9a0"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c0f91093-529b-be98-8e7b-4b84bc6136b5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-496fd2ba-9518-5d16-9f28-bdc12baa8d95">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Despite what we may see on social media, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Even the "World’s Best Dad" has flaws and "Supermom" can’t escape the laws of gravity. Here are 6 common mistakes parents make:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Bribing.</strong><span> Maybe you’re tired, fed up, or simply want things to be easier. However, bribes don’t work - they only accentuate and add longevity to the problem. Your child figures out quite quickly that if he/she keeps acting bratty, he/she is going to get something. A bribe in life, much less in parenting, is something you do from a position of weakness. Stop it cold turkey. If you taper off, you only inspire your kid to up the ante.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Ignoring misbehavior.</strong><span> If you’re in public and your child misbehaves, don’t ignore it. Whether it’s at a restaurant or in the grocery store, remove your kid from the situation.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Yelling. </strong><span>Screaming, smacking, or threatening kids doesn’t work when they’re out of control. They’re most likely hungry, tired, frustrated, or bored. When you yell, you only add to the pressure, frustration, and confusion.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Criticizing.</strong><span> If all you do is criticize, your child will stop listening altogether. Instead of criticizing when your kids are doing something wrong, compliment the hell out of them when they’re doing something right. That leaves a much more lasting impression.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span><strong>Overreacting</strong>. </span><span>When we’re tired, frustrated, disappointed or hurt about something, we tend to overreact, and a lot of times, we take it out on our kids. Walk away, calm down, and come back when you can say whatever you need to say with a nice tone.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Nagging. </strong><span>If you have to tell anyone 50 times to do something, you’re definitely not coming from a position of authority. Granted, most of the time you nag because you’re worried about something worth caring about, such as eating vegetables or brushing teeth. Yet, too many parents nag without even considering how it affects their kids. Be creative and have fun with chores and other responsibilities. Don’t make parenting a trial by fire all of the time.</span></p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span> </span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_021418.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2018-02-14T16:13:00Z5 Ways to Be More PositiveStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Ways-to-Be-More-Positive/-483519762909428994.html2018-02-01T18:22:00Z2018-02-01T18:22:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-57401f95-dbc6-8dfd-76e9-5f8698e3f79e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cb489229-de5f-3f11-11d0-f2f2f3b553fc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3b98e9a3-de6b-0732-20e4-10a6567c04d5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad40bc79-1e8d-7df9-7db5-5f876f528326"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ed3a9caa-23e6-94a1-1e6d-dd0c29e55f55"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f63e201c-42aa-ca3b-bfce-fbc25204a76c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-167c1173-4d69-4824-2d01-3f7c75b8a9a0"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c0f91093-529b-be98-8e7b-4b84bc6136b5">
<p dir="ltr"><span>When you’re upset, one of the things that probably makes you very angry is when someone says, </span><em>“Stay positive,”</em><span> or, </span><em>“Look on the bright side.”</em><span> It’s annoying and the last thing you want to hear. However, the problem with persistent negative thinking is it’s bad for your health.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are 5 ways you can train yourself to be more positive when you’re in a negative mindset: </span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Get rid of negative influences. </strong><span>If you constantly spend time engaging with negative friends, relatives, or online trolls, you’re going to feel negative. Distance yourself from people who tear you down.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do something nice</strong><span><strong>.</strong> Tell someone they did a good job, send flowers, write notes, give hugs, and hold your tongue when you feel like gossiping. Bringing sunshine into someone else’s life makes you feel better.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Look for the good. </strong><span>When everything goes to hell, think to yourself, </span><em>“What good came from this?”</em><span> Sometimes it’s hard to find anything good, but that doesn’t mean you can’t try. Even if it’s just that you learned something - look for something to take away from the experience.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Think about something positive. </strong><span>Maybe it’s an upcoming trip, a finished project, or a good workout. Use that as motivation.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Get off your butt.</strong> Within the first five minutes of seriously moving your body, all of the chemicals that make you feel better in your head start increasing.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span> </span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_020118.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2018-02-01T18:22:00ZWhen You Should Let Your Kids QuitStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-You-Should-Let-Your-Kids-Quit/-43844306398673091.html2018-01-31T18:09:00Z2018-01-31T18:09:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-57401f95-dbc6-8dfd-76e9-5f8698e3f79e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cb489229-de5f-3f11-11d0-f2f2f3b553fc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3b98e9a3-de6b-0732-20e4-10a6567c04d5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad40bc79-1e8d-7df9-7db5-5f876f528326"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ed3a9caa-23e6-94a1-1e6d-dd0c29e55f55"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f63e201c-42aa-ca3b-bfce-fbc25204a76c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-167c1173-4d69-4824-2d01-3f7c75b8a9a0">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Deciding whether or not to let your kids quit something can be a tricky parenting predicament. Oftentimes kids see a video or read about someone who can do something beautifully and imagine themselves doing it beautifully too. However, when they realize it’s hard work and they’re not doing it beautifully, they want to throw in the towel. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>It’s important to teach kids not to quit something just because it’s difficult.</strong><span> Every time they successfully get through a tough or stressful situation, it sets them up to be resilient in life. Children want to be their best and don’t like losing. Yet, instead of putting in the reps and practice required to improve, their inclination is to simply diss the whole activity.</span><strong> Kids need to be encouraged to persevere through less than ideal conditions because that’s where growth happens.</strong><span> You don’t have to force them to sign up for the same activity again, but at least make them finish it. Have lots of discussions about participating and enjoying the payoff of persevering through difficulties.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>On the other hand, if your child has been doing something for 8 or 9 years and he/she is tired of it, you really need to listen.</span><strong> You may not realize that the activity is more beneficial to you than it is to your child.</strong><span> Or, on the flip side, the activity may not be fun for anyone. Sometimes coaches are abusive, players are bullies, and programs are dangerously disorganized. If you’re constantly nagging or arguing about the activity, it may be time to give it up. </span><strong>Don’t consider it quitting - consider it retirement.</strong></p>
The bottom line is, <strong>assess the entire situation in terms of how it’s contributing to your child’s personal development and growth, and then make a decision.</strong></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span> </span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_013118.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2018-01-31T18:09:00Z4 Reasons Kids Lie and What to Do About ItStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/4-Reasons-Kids-Lie-and-What-to-Do-About-It/963364220749695582.html2018-01-29T16:06:00Z2018-01-29T16:06:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-57401f95-dbc6-8dfd-76e9-5f8698e3f79e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cb489229-de5f-3f11-11d0-f2f2f3b553fc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3b98e9a3-de6b-0732-20e4-10a6567c04d5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad40bc79-1e8d-7df9-7db5-5f876f528326"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ed3a9caa-23e6-94a1-1e6d-dd0c29e55f55"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f63e201c-42aa-ca3b-bfce-fbc25204a76c">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Kids lie for one of four reasons:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>To fantasize.</strong><span> From making up stories about the Tooth Fairy to relatives, little kids like to stretch their imaginations. It’s nothing to freak out over. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>To brag.</strong><span> They want to seem more important or get attention. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>To avoid punishment.</strong><span> Duh. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>To manipulate for power and control.</strong> <span>You have to address this at a young age, otherwise, it’s going to be really hard to manage when they get older.</span></p>
</li>
</ol>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here’s what to do about it:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Make honesty one of your family rules. </strong><span>Have your kids understand that you value the truth especially when it’s hard to say and there will be a price to pay.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Give positive reinforcement for honesty. </strong><span>Any time your kids have the courage to tell the truth, jump on it with big smiles, hugs, and positive words. For example, </span><em>“You knew you were going to get in trouble for that and you told the truth. I am so impressed!”</em><span> Kids who receive positive feedback for doing something tend to want to do more of it. Even though they are in trouble, they still get pumped up because they told the truth. That’s a real step in character and integrity.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Teach about the complexities of truth and honesty. </strong>Sometimes honesty can be cruelty. You don’t walk up to people and tell them they’re dressed ugly even if it’s the truth. You have to clarify for kids how to balance honesty with compassion. Everything that is true doesn’t need to be spoken, and sometimes, lying has value. For example, if a bad guy is chasing a good guy down the street and asks which direction the good guy went, you lie to protect the good guy. All of these things need to be specified for kids because lying often isn’t a simple issue. </p>
</li>
</ol></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span> </span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_012918.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2018-01-29T16:06:00Z6 Ways to Improve Communication with Your SpouseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Ways-to-Improve-Communication-with-Your-Spouse/924979231499516033.html2018-01-25T16:51:00Z2018-01-25T16:51:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-57401f95-dbc6-8dfd-76e9-5f8698e3f79e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cb489229-de5f-3f11-11d0-f2f2f3b553fc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3b98e9a3-de6b-0732-20e4-10a6567c04d5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad40bc79-1e8d-7df9-7db5-5f876f528326"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ed3a9caa-23e6-94a1-1e6d-dd0c29e55f55"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0c8fbebf-2e3a-f818-6f09-18332a721acc">
<p dir="ltr"><span>In any marriage, communication is like oxygen - without it, the relationship dies. Here are 6 ways to improve communication with your spouse:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Don’t accuse.</span><span> If you want to have a quality relationship, tact and tenderness are very important. If you start with accusations, your spouse will immediately get defensive and the conversation will turn into a fight. Use </span><em>“I” </em><span>statements: </span>“<em>I </em>was scared.” “<em>I </em>felt hurt.” “<em>I</em> was disappointed.”</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Listen. Once you’ve expressed yourself, shut up and listen. It may be that you misunderstood or misinterpreted something. You won’t be able to see that unless you listen to your spouse’s point of view.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr">Give compliments. Communication is not just about airing your grievances. It’s also about telling your spouse how much you love, admire, and appreciate them.</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Communicate nonverbally. </span><span>Touch, hold hands, kiss, snuggle, cuddle, and lean up against each other.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Deal with problems as they come up.</span><span> Issues don’t go away by keeping them bottled up. They build and become more significant over time. You can’t make something better unless you get clarification and find resolution.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr">Ask questions. Not everyone (especially men) are forthcoming with talking about their thoughts and feelings. Ask gentle questions: <em>“I was wondering what you thought about ____?”</em> Expressing that you’re interested goes a very long way.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_012518.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2018-01-25T16:51:00Z6 Tips for Managing Your Child's MeltdownsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Tips-for-Managing-Your-Childs-Meltdowns/-86311229873506432.html2018-01-23T16:42:00Z2018-01-23T16:42:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-57401f95-dbc6-8dfd-76e9-5f8698e3f79e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cb489229-de5f-3f11-11d0-f2f2f3b553fc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3b98e9a3-de6b-0732-20e4-10a6567c04d5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad40bc79-1e8d-7df9-7db5-5f876f528326"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ed3a9caa-23e6-94a1-1e6d-dd0c29e55f55">
<p dir="ltr"><span>It doesn’t matter if you’re the worst parent or parent of the year - your kid is going to have meltdowns. Here are 6 ways to cut your child’s tantrums off at the pass:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Distract them. </strong><span>It’s extremely easy to distract kids because they have the attention span of a flea in heat. </span><em>“Look at this ball/toy/color/etc.” </em><span>Distractions work. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be prepared. </strong><span>Whether you’re going to the store or sitting down for dinner, you can’t assume that a little person has the same patience with life that you do. When my son was little, I used to carry around a huge bag of arts, crafts, and little trucks and action figures. That way, when he was bored of something, a new thing was on the table. You can’t keep your children distracted if you don’t have any distractions available. That being said, you also have to accept that after a certain point, the distractions stop working.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Give them choices</strong><span><strong>.</strong> If your child is screaming about having only one cookie, ask, </span><em>“Would you like one cookie or no cookie?” </em><span>Or, </span><em>“Would you like to watch the show or go to your room?” </em><span>It’s really hard for a child to have a breakdown when he/she is contemplating his/her options.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Teach them to meditate. </strong><span>When your child is not throwing a tantrum, sit on the floor together, cross your legs, put your hands on your knees, and listen to your breath. It’s fun for kids to do this with Mommy or Daddy. Then, the next time your child starts to get unglued, say, </span><em>“Hey, let’s do that meditation.”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Give them a warning. </strong><span>Warnings rarely work unless the warning leads to consequences, and the consequences are consistent. For example, </span><em>“This is your one and only warning. If this continues, you won’t have _____.”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Join them (and one up them).</strong> When I’m in the mall and see a kid screaming his/her brains out, I’ll walk up, give the parents a big smile, and go, “Waaaaaah!” The kid immediately stops, looks at me, and then continues screaming. I do it again - “Waaaaah!”. This time, the kid either stops and stares in silence or starts laughing. There is something about looking children right in the face and doing the same thing back to them that takes their power away. If you’re at home, you can really go crazy; get on the floor and pound your arms and legs. When your child sees you doing this, he/she is going to feel a little stupid.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_012318.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2018-01-23T16:42:00Z6 Reasons Your Relationship Is Bound to FailStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Reasons-Your-Relationship-Is-Bound-to-Fail/51816723904463376.html2018-01-22T15:47:00Z2018-01-22T15:47:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-57401f95-dbc6-8dfd-76e9-5f8698e3f79e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cb489229-de5f-3f11-11d0-f2f2f3b553fc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3b98e9a3-de6b-0732-20e4-10a6567c04d5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad40bc79-1e8d-7df9-7db5-5f876f528326">
<p dir="ltr"><span>If our continued efforts to have successful relationships keep resulting in failure, we need to look at why we're repeating the same pattern instead of falling back into the same old cycle. Here are 6 signs your relationship won’t last:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You’re unable to compromise.</strong><span> Compromise is making the conscious choice to accept each other for exactly who you are. Compromising isn’t always 50/50 or tit for tat. It’s not about keeping score. If you want your relationship to last, you need to give up your need to be right and in control all of the time.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You can’t let go of the past. </strong><span>You can’t use bad experiences from prior relationships as an excuse not to be nice, kind, or open. By the same taken, you can’t use somebody’s past (either in your relationship or another relationship) as a weapon against him/her.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You don’t put in the effort. </strong><span>Couples don’t grow apart. One or both of you stops putting in the effort. When you neglect to put in the effort, you don’t feel connected. When you walk anywhere together, hold hands. Sit close when you’re watching a movie. Actually talk to each other when you’re eating dinner.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You avoid conflict.</strong><span> It’s not that you’re not willing to fight; it’s that you don’t want to express your feelings, so you sweep them under the rug. That’s where the problems start. If you discuss stuff right away, you avoid the blow-up. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You don’t talk about your feelings. </strong><span>It’s really not that hard to say, </span><em>“I’m hurt/disappointed/annoyed. How can we fix this to make each other feel better?” </em><span> Without either of you defending yourselves, ask what you can do as a couple so you don’t feel this way again or have the same fight. That way, the two of you are on the same side of the fence problem solving instead of on opposite sides of the fence throwing cow puckies at each other.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You compromise on the big stuff. </strong>You should never compromise your morals, values principles, and ethics for a relationship. That’s a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.</p>
</li>
</ol></span> </span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_012218.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2018-01-22T15:47:00ZThe Difference Between Kindness and WeaknessStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Difference-Between-Kindness-and-Weakness/863699738554007803.html2018-01-19T04:53:00Z2018-01-19T04:53:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-57401f95-dbc6-8dfd-76e9-5f8698e3f79e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cb489229-de5f-3f11-11d0-f2f2f3b553fc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3b98e9a3-de6b-0732-20e4-10a6567c04d5">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Far too many people misuse the concept and idea of kindness. Tolerating things that are unacceptable is not being nice - it’s being passive and weak. Nice is a quality of an individual. Passive and weak is a lack of action and a refusal to deal with things. You can deal with things in a nice manner, but not dealing with them and bowing to somebody else’s strengths and desires is not you being nice.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>You need to tell folks when you think their behavior is unacceptable. We all have a right to express what we’re thinking and feeling, especially when we’re being hurt. Staying quiet when you’re treated poorly only gives someone permission to continue hurting you. You aren’t being mean when you ask people to treat you kindly and with respect.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Help those who want to be helped, but don’t keep begging people to be happier if they are refusing. Share your kindness with those who will embrace being uplifted. Take stands, give your opinion, and follow your beliefs because kindness does not mean weakness.<br /></span></p>
</span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_011818.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br />
<p>Photo by Gavin Whitner</p>
<p><img src="https://apps.rackspace.com/versions/webmail/18.0.6-RC/p/scripts/retrieve_image.php?id=1821823&wsid=b4a5136384c2482da241f0a204bcd6af-a523f2e33ec547f1bccc208189db5499" alt="" /></p>
</div>Staff2018-01-19T04:53:00Z4 Types of Manipulative People You Need to Remove from Your LifeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/4-Types-of-Manipulative-People-You-Need-to-Remove-from-Your-Life/-512758428080095860.html2018-01-17T04:40:00Z2018-01-17T04:40:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-57401f95-dbc6-8dfd-76e9-5f8698e3f79e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cb489229-de5f-3f11-11d0-f2f2f3b553fc">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Each and every one of us only has a limited amount of time to make a meaningful and purposeful life. So I recommend you don’t waste it on people (genetically related or not) who are draining, dangerous, and/or destructive. They will only make you feel miserable, stressed, and guilty. Here are 4 types of people you need to get out of your life:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Gossipers.</strong><span> Being around someone who is always talking smack adds nothing to your life. In fact, when you’re surrounded by negativity you may not realize that you’re also becoming negative.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Manipulators. </strong><span>People who manipulate don’t care about your thoughts and feelings. They are controlling, abusive bullies. You may not stick up for yourself simply because it’s easier. For example, women who stay with battering men stick around because they don’t want to be alone. They waste their lives playing mind games with themselves, making rationalizations like,</span><em> “Well, he’s nice when he’s not beating me.” </em><span>The most classic type of manipulator is the victim, such as a snowflake family member or friend. They make you feel guilty for leaving them in order to reel you back in.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Critics. </strong><span>No matter what you say or how hard you try to make him or her happy, this person always has a criticism. And the worst part is, you behave as though he or he is right.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Naysayers.</strong> We all know people who complain about problems but never do anything to remedy them. When you offer suggestions on how they can improve their lives, you’re met with the default response,<em> “I can’t do that,”</em> or, <em>“I’ve already tried that.”</em> I think you should always be helpful and compassionate to people, but if they aren’t willing to participate in their own growth, your help is useless.</p>
</li>
</ol></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_011618.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2018-01-17T04:40:00ZIs Your Relationship Built on Insecurity?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Is-Your-Relationship-Built-on-Insecurity/271133996587619227.html2018-01-16T04:28:00Z2018-01-16T04:28:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-57401f95-dbc6-8dfd-76e9-5f8698e3f79e">
<p dir="ltr">People align themselves with other people based on their emotional needs. So a very weak, insecure person who is afraid to make decisions will tend to hook up with someone who is very strong and dominating and makes all the decisions. The irony is, they both are totally insecure individuals. One demonstrates insecurity by turning over responsibility to someone else, and the other demonstrates insecurity by needing control.</p>
<span id="docs-internal-guid-69bac1bc-de53-f75e-765b-71ec7b890dd3">
<p dir="ltr"><span>If you’re constantly rescuing someone who is intentionally self-destructing and counting on you to bail them out, you’re not being a good person. Helping someone who is helping themselves is being a good person. Otherwise, you’re simply helping out of insecurity.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>The main problem is, human beings tend to function out of emotion rather than intellect. That’s why I recommend saying the facts of the situation out loud. Why? </span><strong>When you say things out loud, you make them concrete, and you can no longer avoid them. </strong><span>It’s the only way to realize what’s really going on.</span></p>
</span></span></span><ol> </ol>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_011518.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2018-01-16T04:28:00Z5 Tips for Raising Successful KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Tips-for-Raising-Successful-Kids/106916844676222288.html2018-01-11T16:22:00Z2018-01-11T16:22:00Z<p dir="ltr">Raising your child to be successful has nothing to do with trying to turn him or her into a little CEO. That’s not how you measure success. Most of the people who I consider successful are humble people happy with doing humble things. That is success. Too many parents push the hell out of their children with music, sports, and other activities to the point where the poor kids’ heads are spinning. There’s no room to breathe.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Here are my tips for raising successful kids:</p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p><strong>Give them something to look up to.</strong> In order for kids to feel inspired, you need to find ways to inspire them. Bring meaning to the lives of others and serve with joy. If you do that, your kids will mimic it in their own form. There is no greater success than having a sense of purpose.</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p><strong>Let them pursue their passion. </strong>Just because something is your dream, doesn’t mean it’s your child’s.</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p><strong>Be satisfied with their best. </strong>No one is perfect, including you.</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p><strong>Be supportive. </strong>Help your kids feel competent and optimistic about making their own decisions. Be supportive when they fail so they learn that failure is simply a part of success.</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr"> <strong>Teach them to be happy with small motions.</strong> Being happy with small motions means the pleasure of feeling every part of what you’re doing. You could be winning awards and making lots of money, but if you’re not happy with small motions, you’re still failing.</li>
</ol>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_082417.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2018-01-11T16:22:00Z6 Tips to Help You Achieve Your Goals FasterStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Tips-to-Help-You-Achieve-Your-Goals-Faster/-667743786201757848.html2018-01-09T16:35:00Z2018-01-09T16:35:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-57401f95-dbc6-8dfd-76e9-5f8698e3f79e">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Nothing feels better than achieving your goals. However, there may come a time when you get overwhelmed or realize that you have lost your motivation. You may find that days, weeks, or even months down the line you still have not made any progress. Here are 6 tips to help you achieve your goals faster.</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Clarify your goal. </strong><span>Write it down on a piece of paper.</span><em> “My goal is _____.”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Have a plan. </strong><span>I have a personal goal to deadlift 125 pounds. It will probably take me the better part of a year to creep up to that weight and not hurt myself. What’s my plan? I have a series of exercises that I will progress through as well as a food and sleep regime.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Stand in front of a mirror and ask yourself, <em>“Am I willing to pay the price?”.</em></strong><em> A lot of people fail to accomplish goals because they think things will just happen by magic. Your fairy godmother is not going to come by and hit you on the head with her wand. </em><span>You</span><span> have to make it happen.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Find someone who has already done what you’re trying to do. </strong><span>Find somebody who has lost weight, gotten stronger, started a new career, etc. Ask around. I’m sure there’s someone out there who would be willing to give you advice.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t be lazy. </strong><span>Stay focused and show up.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t wait until you’re ready. </strong>No one is ever ready to get out of their comfort zone. Act now and stop waiting. Between now and dead, how do you want to live?</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span><ol> </ol>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_010918.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2018-01-09T16:35:00Z6 Relationship Red FlagsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Relationship-Red-Flags/774775299745762983.html2018-01-08T10:18:00Z2018-01-08T10:18:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Relationship red flags are usually obvious, but many women ignore them because they want to avoid the pain of a broken heart. They think to themselves:</span></p>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>“Maybe this is just happening this one time.”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>“Maybe this is just a quirk.”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>“He is a nice guy. I should just let this slide - it will get better.”</em></p>
</li>
</ul>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Stop being so foolish and living in denial because you are the one who ultimately pays the price (or if you get pregnant, an innocent kid is the one who pays the price).</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here is my list of red flags that if you see, you should immediately jump ship.</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He lies. </strong><span>It doesn’t matter what he lies about. One lie, that’s it - hit the eject button.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He doesn’t respect your wishes. </strong><span>You could say, </span><em>“I don’t want that picture on Facebook,”</em><span> and he puts it up anyway, or, </span><em>“I’m really upset that you shared this information with your buddies,”</em><span> and he continues to do so. If he keeps pushing you for anything you aren’t comfortable with, he’s gone.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He starts fights. </strong><span>Whether he picks fights with you or anyone else, it’s a bad sign that he’s constantly agitated or annoyed.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Your family and friends don’t like him. </strong><span>If your parents and close friends agree that something isn’t kosher, it probably isn’t.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He is too busy for you. </strong><span>If he is too busy for you, he probably has another girlfriend, or he doesn’t see you as important enough to take time out of his busy life. In this age of technology, it takes 2 seconds to text, and if you aren’t worth that, you aren’t worth anything to him.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He makes you feel bad. </strong>If you feel bad after interacting with him, something is seriously wrong. Courtship is not supposed to be misery.</p>
</li>
</ol></span><ol> </ol>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_082817.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2018-01-08T10:18:00ZHow to Help Kids Who Are Too Hard on ThemselvesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Help-Kids-Who-Are-Too-Hard-on-Themselves/497055999305501040.html2018-01-04T16:33:00Z2018-01-04T16:33:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-530de267-78bb-879f-5c10-b4341cfbe70f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1b1a71ab-9caf-e4fe-9355-50174525c9a1">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Everybody loses, makes mistakes, fails to perform, does stupid stuff, receives criticism, and gets excluded. That’s life. We can’t make the bad feelings go away, but we can learn to face them without beating ourselves up. Here are some words to give your kids to help them accept the painful facts of life:</span></p>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Losing. </strong><span>Sometimes you’re going to win, and sometimes you’re going to lose. However, there’s a difference between losing and being a loser. Losing is noble because it means you tried.</span></p>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Making mistakes. </strong><span>There isn’t a person on the face of this earth who doesn’t make mistakes. The important part is, did you learn something? What can you do with this mistake, and how can you not make it again?</span></p>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Failing to perform. </strong><span>In life, you can’t always control the outcome. The only thing you can control is the effort you put in. If you did your best, that’s all you can do.</span></p>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Getting in trouble. </strong><span>Once you’ve paid your dues, you need to forgive yourself and get on with life.</span> </p>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Getting criticized. </strong><span>Not everybody is liked by everybody. You’re always going to get mixed reviews, and you have to accept that.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Being left out. </strong>Everyone gets rejected here and there for some reason. It’s best to expect that you will not be invited to everything or be included in every group you would like to join. Just think about the list of people you’ve excluded or dumped in the past.</p>
</li>
</ul>
</span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_061217.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2018-01-04T16:33:00ZWhat to Do When Someone Keeps Letting You DownStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-to-Do-When-Someone-Keeps-Letting-You-Down/-71519227783110142.html2018-01-03T16:04:00Z2018-01-03T16:04:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5b7fc5a6-c0c4-8d5e-e968-94a04bf560b4">
<p dir="ltr"><span>We have all had people let us down. Whether it’s a spouse, parent, sibling, friend, or child, it can leave you feeling angry, disappointed, and resentful.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here’s what to do if someone keeps letting you down:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t automatically take it personally.</strong><span> Ask yourself if this person does it to everyone or just you. If he or she does it to everyone, then it’s not personal - it’s simply who he or she is. Some people are just nasty, lazy, or self-centered. They tell you what you want to hear and then don’t follow through because they lack integrity or desperately want to be liked. We really don’t know what’s in someone else’s head, and we may never know.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Ask yourself if this is a pattern or an event. </strong>Is this person distracted by something? Is he or she going through some personal issues? If you know someone is going through a difficult time, cut him or her some slack. </p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Have a conversation.</strong><span> Sometimes people don’t realize that their actions are hurtful. Let them know. You’re not telling them to change; you’re just asking for the relationship to be better. They’ll either do something about it, or they won’t.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Accept that you can’t control others. </strong><span>We don’t have the power to force people to be loving or counted on. Only </span><em>you</em><span> can control yourself with respect to not taking it personally or blaming yourself.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Stop the bleeding.</strong> If you have made your feelings known and the other person hasn’t changed, don’t stick around to continue to be let down. Become less involved or move on completely. There’s a maturity you need to develop in order to face the truth and respond appropriately.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_061917.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2018-01-03T16:04:00Z10 Ways to Rekindle the Romance in Your MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/10-Ways-to-Rekindle-the-Romance-in-Your-Marriage/137289384817917798.html2018-01-02T14:34:00Z2018-01-02T14:34:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb">
<p dir="ltr"><span>You might think that trying to rekindle the romance in your marriage is heavy stuff. However, it’s actually just the opposite. Getting back the love you once had is pretty easy and pleasant, however, many people are too self-centered, stubborn, or lazy to do what it takes. Here are my tips to rekindle the romance in your marriage:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be silly together. </strong><span>Remember how you were when you were first together? Take time out to be silly with each other and make each other laugh. Go to your local petting zoo and be like kids again. Being cute and having fun with each other is a great way to reconnect. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Take walks. </strong><span>Whether you’re big on hiking or like strolls around the block, taking walks - especially at sunrise or sunset - can be very romantic. Walk hand in hand, arm in arm, and shoulder to shoulder looking at how beautiful everything is.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Put your phones away when you’re with each other. </strong><span>Be in the moment rather than thinking about all that outside stuff. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Ride your bikes to a local coffee or smoothie shop.</strong><span> Have something to drink, people-watch, and then ride your bikes home. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Have little adventures together. </strong><span>Look in the local newspaper to see what’s going on near you. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Go out to dinner with just the two of you.</strong><span> It doesn’t have to be anything expensive - just some cute place where you can share an appetizer and a main dish.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Make dinner together.</strong><span> Stand there and chop vegetables together. Or switch it up - go on the Internet, find a ridiculous, ultra-complicated recipe, and then see if you can pull it off together. </span><span> </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Take a trip.</strong><span> You don’t have to spend a bunch of money on a resort. There are tons of options out there where you can rent a house, condo, or an apartment. You can even bring your own food to cook if you need to save money.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Relax together. </strong><span>Light the fireplace if you have one, curl up together, and watch a stupid movie. Fall asleep in each other’s arms. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do something nice. </strong><span>If you know that your spouse really likes something, set it up for him or her to go do.</span></p>
</li>
</ol><span>As you can see, rekindling your romance isn’t rocket science - it simply requires you to be unselfish. Nobody is just happy - happiness is a conglomeration of moments.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span>Staff2018-01-02T14:34:00Z5 Ways You Are Destroying Your Child's ConfidenceStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Ways-You-Are-Destroying-Your-Childs-Confidence/625082753980623049.html2017-12-11T18:00:00Z2017-12-11T18:00:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8ea287f1-e3c4-5a67-3e66-a077d041aa46">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Under the guise of helping, caring, loving, and supporting, many parents actually end up doing more harm than good. Here are 5 ways you are unintentionally destroying your child’s confidence:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You don’t treat your child as their own person. </strong><span>As Mr. Rogers used to say, “Everybody is special, and everybody is different.” Your child is an individual human being. I have had parents of adults call my show complaining that they are not happy with their child’s career choice. They tell me, “I’d much rather that they did ____.” Well, who asked your opinion? It’s their life, not yours. Signing your kids up for music lessons to try something new is good, but forcing them to keep taking lessons when they hate it is not. Let your kids indulge in the things they’re passionate about. That will lead them somewhere. If you kill their passion, the only place it will lead is drugs or living in your basement when they’re 30. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You compare them to their siblings. </strong><span>Comparing your child to their siblings is like saying that you don’t like who they are. The only person you should compare your child to is themselves (e.g. “I see that you’re applying yourself a lot more than you were before. I’m really impressed.”).</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You are overprotective. </strong><span>Let your child figure out how to deal with certain things on their own.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You belittle their mistakes.</strong> Kids make mistakes, and they don’t need you to constantly remind them of their bad decisions and failures. Instead, brainstorm with them on how to fix problems, and give them the encouragement they need to right their wrongs.</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You have unrealistic expectations. </strong>Maybe your child isn’t capable of all A’s in every subject. So what? You may think you’re being motivational, but you’re really being destructive.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span>Staff2017-12-11T18:00:00ZHow to Tactfully Break Up with SomeoneStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Tactfully-Break-Up-with-Someone/-226539870092991444.html2017-12-06T17:58:00Z2017-12-06T17:58:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-39483b83-279a-d55f-e012-b690a1807a5a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d9a4bd8f-2cfa-8d26-69ba-792366337e92">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Breaking up with someone is usually an ugly mess and something you shouldn’t do unless you’re absolutely certain. Playing games with someone’s heart and soul isn’t only mean - it’s damaging. However, if you’re sure, here’s how to do it right: </span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do it in person and in private. </strong><span>At least show them that much respect. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t blame them. </strong><span>Don’t use this moment to say nasty things or tear them down.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Tell them the truth.</strong><span> Don’t say any of the cliche things like, </span><em>“It’s not you, it’ s me,” or, “You’re a wonderful person and someday you’ll find someone.”</em><span> Just speak the truth. For example, </span><em>“This has been a nice experience, but I don’t think we’re a match,” </em><span>or ,</span><em>“I’m uncomfortable with the family dynamic you have.”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t open the floor to debate. </strong><span>Be succinct, and don’t argue. Make it clear that you’re not here to discuss things or make it better. Your decision is final.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t stay in touch.</strong><span> Staying friends is basically a selfish game where you’re unwilling to give up the stuff that was good for you.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t discuss it with everyone you know. </strong>Don’t gloat or be vengeful on social media. Certain things should be kept private. If someone asks why you broke up, say that it just wasn’t a match. Show your ex the same respect you did when you still loved them.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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</span>Staff2017-12-06T17:58:00Z8 Tips for Confronting SomeoneStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/8-Tips-for-Confronting-Someone/598360824173958290.html2017-12-05T16:55:00Z2017-12-05T16:55:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-39483b83-279a-d55f-e012-b690a1807a5a">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Having a confrontation is very difficult for a lot of people. However, you can’t sweep problems under the rug and hope they’ll magically get better. Here are my tips for confronting someone:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t think of confrontation as war. </strong><span>If you want a successful outcome, you can’t be aggressive. You’re simply facing something that needs to be faced. It doesn’t always go well - the other person may or may not get past their own emotions, guilt, defensiveness, or insecurities, but you can’t go through life trying to avoid dealing with issues head on. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Get your emotions under control.</strong><span> If you’re too angry, upset, or scared, then you can’t have a confrontation. Don’t engage until you get your emotions in check.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Envision a positive outcome</strong><span><strong>.</strong> If you can’t envision a positive outcome, you’re not ready.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Prepare. </strong><span>Think about what you want to say. Don’t bring in a bunch of extraneous things or recruit anyone else (i.e. </span><em>“He/she said…”</em><span>). It makes you look weak. Identify the real issue you need to address and avoid all the other emotions and issues that aren’t relevant. Practice what you’re going to say with someone you trust. That way, you’ll be more matter of fact about it.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Ask permission to discuss the situation ahead of time.</strong><span> Find out when is a good time to talk because a lot of times we sandbag somebody when they’re not ready (tired, in a bad mood, etc.)</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Say it well. </strong><span>State the issue in one or two totally non-emotional, factually-based sentences. Be open, honest, direct, and calm so that the other person focuses in on the issue and not their hurt feelings.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Express your desire to arrive at a mutually acceptable solution.</strong><span> Say, </span><em>“I’d really like to come up with a solution that can make us both feel good.”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t take things personally. </strong><span>Even if you follow all of these tips, you need to remember that you’re only half of the interaction. If the other person isn’t willing to meet you half way, there’s only so much you can do.</span></p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
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</span>Staff2017-12-05T16:55:00Z5 Values You Need to Teach Your ChildrenStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Values-You-Need-to-Teach-Your-Children/-367399404110831644.html2017-12-02T20:20:00Z2017-12-02T20:20:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563">
<p dir="ltr"><span>It’s unbelievably difficult to teach kids values these days because they don’t often see those values operating around them. People running for the highest offices in the land tell blatant lies without shame of getting caught, and some of the biggest “role models” actually give us very little to look up to. The only way to turn the tide is to teach our kids to be better. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are 5 values you absolutely must teach your kids:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Telling the truth.</strong><span> The best way to encourage truthfulness in your kids is to be truthful yourself. When your kids hear you lying, you are essentially giving them permission to lie as well. You can promote the value of honesty further by rewarding your children when they demonstrate it.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Making amends. </strong><span>It’s not enough to simply own up to a mistake. Kids will do that just to make something go away (plus, getting them to say, “I’m sorry,” is relatively meaningless when you’re grabbing them by the arm and forcing them to say it). “Sorry” is a nice start, but what really matters is repairing the situation. How can I make it better? How can I make amends with the person I’ve hurt? When you know your child did something wrong, don’t corner him or her by asking, “Did you do _______?”. Instead say, “I know you broke the potted plant. When you’ve done something wrong, my expectation is that you come to me and we figure out how to make it right.” That should be the focus - making it right.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Taking on challenges. </strong><span>Avoiding excessive praise and providing gentle, honest feedback makes kids more determined to try hard. Congratulate their effort when they do something particularly tough or challenging, and point out when they have and haven’t done their best.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Being considerate of other people’s feelings. </strong><span>It’s a burden to put yourself aside and care for someone else. Yet, it’s also a moral obligation. Teach your kids that life is nothing without caring about others.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Showing affection.</strong> Being affectionate takes 10 seconds - a hug, a kiss, a note in a lunchbox, an “I love you”, a word of encouragement. Demonstrate to your children that other people matter more than whatever else is going on.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-12-02T20:20:00Z6 Ways to Have a More Productive DayStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Ways-to-Have-a-More-Productive-Day/608970656143285284.html2017-11-27T15:03:00Z2017-11-27T15:03:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3be9b8d8-511a-8f50-058d-161e0e95c843"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a61738d-561b-50ce-cdd2-9bf96ca6fe14"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7c4c055e-6077-9844-558d-d657b63f895f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a00a6939-9277-709b-e266-cb4c7ca3be83"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-93fc59eb-9305-17e0-d070-d7fc05a76e00"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-680e8ae2-932c-55f7-a1c8-ea0e23c5547b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d381ceac-adb7-adb0-7658-84cdb7911649"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-06bb3a2f-adde-35e8-2641-a2a538119959"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-dd0efd33-ae4b-0873-ff80-ada5085b9199"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-14bcfea2-d9fb-c87f-dcb0-8514b115c8cb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-df730632-fe01-bfab-61c1-5ede15697f25">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Do you want to get more done during your day? Here are 6 tips that can help boost your productivity:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Plan.</strong><span> Think about what you can </span><em>reasonably</em><span> get accomplished today.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Have a morning routine.</strong><span> Eat breakfast. Exercise, or go on a walk.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Prioritize. </strong><span>Get the pressing things out of the way first. The pressing stuff usually gives you the most stress.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t multitask. </strong><span>If you try to do too many things at once, you won’t do any of them well.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Take breaks.</strong><span> In order to focus, you have to take breaks. Walk around, get some water, listen to music, or read.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Celebrate what you’ve accomplished.</strong> At the end of the day, you need to pat yourself on the head for doing the aforementioned. If you don’t, you’re going to feel terrible and dwell on what you didn’t do.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span></span> </span></span></span></span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-11-27T15:03:00Z5 Things You Should Never Say to Your KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Things-You-Should-Never-Say-to-Your-Kids/864355113127499366.html2017-11-20T15:10:00Z2017-11-20T15:10:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3be9b8d8-511a-8f50-058d-161e0e95c843"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a61738d-561b-50ce-cdd2-9bf96ca6fe14"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7c4c055e-6077-9844-558d-d657b63f895f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a00a6939-9277-709b-e266-cb4c7ca3be83"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-93fc59eb-9305-17e0-d070-d7fc05a76e00"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-680e8ae2-932c-55f7-a1c8-ea0e23c5547b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d381ceac-adb7-adb0-7658-84cdb7911649"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-06bb3a2f-adde-35e8-2641-a2a538119959"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-dd0efd33-ae4b-0873-ff80-ada5085b9199"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-14bcfea2-d9fb-c87f-dcb0-8514b115c8cb">
<p dir="ltr"><span>As parents, sometimes we say things that hurt our kids a lot more than we realize. Here are 5 things you should never say to your kids:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Give cutesy names to genitals. </strong><span>Call things what they are. Explain what they do and when they should be seen and used. Put everything in the context of morals, values, and ethics.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span><em><strong>“It’s rude to leave food on your plate. </strong><strong>There are starving people in China.”</strong></em></span><span> Kids shouldn’t have to finish every morsel on their plates - that’s how eating disorders develop. Teach them about healthy food and exercise, and let them be adventurous with their tastes.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>“Go hug your grandma/grandpa/aunt/uncle/etc.”</strong></em><span> Don’t force kids to make physical contact with someone unless they feel comfortable about it.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Stranger danger. </strong><span>Your child is far more likely to be molested by a family member than a stranger. Kids should know the basics like not getting into cars or leaving places with a stranger, but don’t scare your kids about meeting new people. Besides, you should be supervising!</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>“You’re so beautiful/handsome/smart.” </strong></em><span>Your child had no say in that, and it doesn’t make them feel confident. If anything, it might make them focus on their looks rather than things of depth. Compliment your kids on the effort they put in and the compassion they show. </span><em>That’s </em><span>something they made a decision to do.</span></p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span></span> </span></span></span></span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-11-20T15:10:00Z6 Tips to Be Happier at WorkStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Tips-to-Be-Happier-at-Work/59642387220851768.html2017-11-17T02:24:00Z2017-11-17T02:24:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3be9b8d8-511a-8f50-058d-161e0e95c843"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a61738d-561b-50ce-cdd2-9bf96ca6fe14"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7c4c055e-6077-9844-558d-d657b63f895f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a00a6939-9277-709b-e266-cb4c7ca3be83"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-93fc59eb-9305-17e0-d070-d7fc05a76e00"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-680e8ae2-932c-55f7-a1c8-ea0e23c5547b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d381ceac-adb7-adb0-7658-84cdb7911649"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-06bb3a2f-adde-35e8-2641-a2a538119959"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-dd0efd33-ae4b-0873-ff80-ada5085b9199">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Unhappiness at work creates a snowball effect. When you're down in the dumps about your responsibilities or your coworkers, you're less focused and productive, which in turn, only makes you more miserable. How can you feel happier at work? Here are 6 tips.</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Find something to do that you care about or have passion for.</strong><span> If it’s just a means to an end, then accept it as a means to an end.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Get tomorrow’s schedule organized today.</strong><span> If you start the day shake, rattled, and rolled, the rest of the day is going to be tough.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Make time for friends and hobbies. </strong><span>All work and no play is not a good recipe for feeling good about anything.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be in the present. </strong><span>If a problem comes up, focus on how it can be solved right now rather than getting frantic and crazy. Be in the moment. Don’t get caught up in the stresses of the past or your fears about the future.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Pat yourself and other people on the head. </strong><span>We all feel better, confident, and self-assured when we do that.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Learn new skills.</strong> Challenge yourself to take on new tasks. Invent, improve, and expand. Don’t allow something to become boring.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span></span> </span></span></span></span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-11-17T02:24:00Z6 Habits of Happy CouplesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Habits-of-Happy-Couples/573835734778363391.html2017-11-15T01:35:00Z2017-11-15T01:35:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3be9b8d8-511a-8f50-058d-161e0e95c843"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a61738d-561b-50ce-cdd2-9bf96ca6fe14"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7c4c055e-6077-9844-558d-d657b63f895f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a00a6939-9277-709b-e266-cb4c7ca3be83"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-93fc59eb-9305-17e0-d070-d7fc05a76e00"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-680e8ae2-932c-55f7-a1c8-ea0e23c5547b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d381ceac-adb7-adb0-7658-84cdb7911649"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-06bb3a2f-adde-35e8-2641-a2a538119959">
<p dir="ltr"><span>It’s the little things that occupy the biggest part of your and your spouse’s hearts. Here are 6 small habits that will make you happier as a couple:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Go to bed at the same time. </strong><span>There is something about being together under the covers (cuddling, talking about your day, etc.) that’s very bonding.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Share some hobbies together. </strong><span>You can keep your own separate interests, but you also need to have some common ones together.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Walk hand in hand. </strong><span>Couples who reach out for each other don’t let go.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Cut each other some slack. </strong><span>You are both going to say and do dumb stuff, but you need to trust and forgive. Focus on what your spouse does right, not just what he/she does wrong.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>For each complaint, give 5 compliments. </strong><span>When you do that, suddenly your complaint doesn’t seem so bad.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Connect throughout the day.</strong> Say, <em>“I love you,”</em> and, <em>“I miss you.”</em> Send little texts. Show your spouse that you are thinking of him/her.</p>
</li>
</ol></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span></span> </span></span></span></span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_111417.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-11-15T01:35:00Z6 Tips to Avoid Temptation and Remain Faithful to Your SpouseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Tips-to-Avoid-Temptation-and-Remain-Faithful-to-Your-Spouse/-60463653890423342.html2017-11-14T00:53:00Z2017-11-14T00:53:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3be9b8d8-511a-8f50-058d-161e0e95c843"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a61738d-561b-50ce-cdd2-9bf96ca6fe14"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7c4c055e-6077-9844-558d-d657b63f895f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a00a6939-9277-709b-e266-cb4c7ca3be83"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-93fc59eb-9305-17e0-d070-d7fc05a76e00"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-680e8ae2-932c-55f7-a1c8-ea0e23c5547b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d381ceac-adb7-adb0-7658-84cdb7911649">
<p dir="ltr"><span>The only irresistible temptation is the one not resisted. Here are my tips for avoiding temptation and remaining faithful to your spouse:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Recreate the memories. </strong><span>Every couple has wonderful memories that take us back. Cherish those memories again. Do the dumb, cute, and ridiculous things you did that made you fall in love.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Spend quality time together. </strong><span>Go on a vacation just the two of you. Have a spur-of-the-moment romantic date.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Find out what the problem is. </strong><span>At least half of the problems couples have are because they don’t talk to each other. Talk things out and come up with a solution.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t go to bed angry.</strong><span> Take out an old video of you having fun and watch it together.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Flirt with your spouse. </strong><span>Affairs usually start because you’re courting and doing sweet things for someone else. Instead, do those things for your spouse. That’s how you rekindle romantic feelings.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Remember your vows.</strong> Unless your spouse is violent, an addict, or unfaithful, there is probably a way back, so try harder!</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-11-14T00:53:00Z4 Ways You Don't Realize Your Parents' Divorce Is Impacting YouStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/4-Ways-You-Dont-Realize-Your-Parents-Divorce-Is-Impacting-You/-852835421970327942.html2017-11-09T21:10:00Z2017-11-09T21:10:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3be9b8d8-511a-8f50-058d-161e0e95c843"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a61738d-561b-50ce-cdd2-9bf96ca6fe14"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7c4c055e-6077-9844-558d-d657b63f895f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a00a6939-9277-709b-e266-cb4c7ca3be83"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-93fc59eb-9305-17e0-d070-d7fc05a76e00"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-680e8ae2-932c-55f7-a1c8-ea0e23c5547b">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Even though it may be a decade or more in the past, many people don’t realize how their lives are still being negatively impacted by their parents’ divorce. But by becoming aware of what’s standing in your way, you can begin to move forward and start enjoying a good life. Here are 4 ways your parents’ divorce is still affecting you: </span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You have trouble trusting. </strong><span>You panic that any relationship is going to end up like your parents’ did.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You avoid confrontation.</strong><span> Perhaps in your family, every discussion devolved into a confrontation, which is why you avoid communication and potential problem-solving at all costs.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You constantly check up on friends or the person you’re dating. </strong><span>You’re always looking for reassurance and worry that someone is going to leave you. You may even try to buy love with money. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You have a hard time believing in yourself. </strong>The chaos in your family during crucial times in your development deprived you of the attention, approval, and support you needed to try new things.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_110917.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-11-09T21:10:00ZWhat Chivalry Looks LikeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-Chivalry-Looks-Like/-326682277818810897.html2017-11-07T20:28:00Z2017-11-07T20:28:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3be9b8d8-511a-8f50-058d-161e0e95c843"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a61738d-561b-50ce-cdd2-9bf96ca6fe14"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7c4c055e-6077-9844-558d-d657b63f895f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a00a6939-9277-709b-e266-cb4c7ca3be83"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-93fc59eb-9305-17e0-d070-d7fc05a76e00">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Chivalry is an important quality of a man’s behavior because it lets you know about his character patience, caring, and point of view. Here’s what true chivalry looks like:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He opens and holds doors for you.</strong><span> When you drive somewhere, he opens the door, takes you by the hand, and helps you in and out.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He makes sure you get home OK.</strong><span> He doesn’t just drop you off. He waits to see if you safely get inside.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He gives you his jacket when it’s cold. </strong><span>It should be hard-wired in his brain to protect you. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He cares about your opinions</strong><span><strong>. </strong>He listens to what you think and believe.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He has your back.</strong><span> When there’s an awkward situation, he’s there by your side.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He’s reliable.</strong> <span>If he says he’s going to do something, he does it.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He meets your friends and family</strong><span><strong>.</strong> He takes interest in the people close to you because he wants to know you better.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He expresses small gestures of affection</strong><span><strong>. </strong>Publicly grabbing your breasts or butt is not a gesture of affection. That’s just him showing he’s a dominant male that owns you. It’s his statement to the other men around that </span><em>“I have a big one, that’s why I have her.” </em><span>It has nothing to do with you.</span></p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_110717.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-11-07T20:28:00ZShould You Give Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend a Second Chance?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Should-You-Give-Your-Boyfriend/Girlfriend-a-Second-Chance/-97928231337314984.html2017-11-06T17:53:00Z2017-11-06T17:53:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3be9b8d8-511a-8f50-058d-161e0e95c843"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a61738d-561b-50ce-cdd2-9bf96ca6fe14"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7c4c055e-6077-9844-558d-d657b63f895f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a00a6939-9277-709b-e266-cb4c7ca3be83">
<p dir="ltr"><span>When you break up with someone, it’s normal to second-guess. Did you make a huge mistake, or are you simply scared to give up the good stuff, be on your own, and start over with someone new?</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>How do you know if you should give your boyfriend or girlfriend a second chance? </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Reasons you should:</strong></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>The situation is fixable. </strong><span>There was a misunderstanding, or they have since changed. You can’t make someone change or fix themselves - </span><em>they</em><span> have to want to change.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They’ve apologized and mean it.</strong><span> Apologizing means showing true remorse, making an effort to not let the wrong happen again, and repairing the damage done.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>It was just the wrong time.</strong> <span>Maybe one of you was in school or moved away. If time has passed and now the timing is right, then it’s OK to give the relationship another chance.</span></p>
</li>
</ol>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Reasons you shouldn’t:</strong></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You have different values or life goals. </strong><span>That’s not fixable.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They cheated. </strong><span>Cheating should be non-negotiable and one-strike only. If they cheated, they don’t deserve a second chance. If they showed you that much disrespect and you let them back in, they know they can do it again.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They’re an addict.</strong><span> The same rule for cheaters applies to addicts.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They treat you badly. </strong><span>If they make you feel bad about yourself, they’re not good for you. Mistreatment should never be tolerated.</span></p>
</li>
</ol></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_110617.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-11-06T17:53:00ZWhat to Do When You Feel Like You're Drowning as a ParentStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-to-Do-When-You-Feel-Like-Youre-Drowning-as-a-Parent/454694448140043257.html2017-11-05T23:36:00Z2017-11-05T23:36:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3be9b8d8-511a-8f50-058d-161e0e95c843"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a61738d-561b-50ce-cdd2-9bf96ca6fe14"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7c4c055e-6077-9844-558d-d657b63f895f">
<p dir="ltr"><span>When you’re a parent, sometimes it takes everything you have just to keep your head above water. You may not know what your child wants, thinks, or feels at any given moment. You try to look in a book or call someone, but everyone has a different opinion. And if your kid isn’t doing exactly what you read or heard, you might think you suck as a parent.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here’s what to do when you’re feeling overwhelmed as a parent:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Cut yourself some slack. </strong><span>When my kid (now 31) was little, he wasn’t talking as early as the books say kids are supposed to talk. People would often comment about it. Then one day, he started talking in complete sentences. I just stared at him like a demon had possessed his body. Kids do their own thing in their own weird time. Stop being so tough on yourself, and instead, be proud that you’re raising, influencing, and loving your child.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Talk to yourself using positive language.</strong><span> Your child is not going to be perfect all of the time. When you feel like nothing is going right, repeat after me: </span></p>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>“I love my kid.”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>“I’m doing my best.”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>“I’m here when he/she needs me.”</em></p>
</li>
</ul>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Take others’ comments with a grain of salt. </strong>You know how when you’re pregnant, everyone has a horror story to tell you about being pregnant? You have got to avoid listening to all the nonsense that gets thrown at you. Everyone has a different opinion or agenda. If you want advice, ask for input from people who have done a reasonably good job.</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t make everything a catastrophe. </strong><span>All kids go through phases of being jealous, mean, bad, lazy, or annoying. You did too. That doesn’t mean your child is going to grow up to be a sociopath.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>If they’re not going to die or get seriously hurt from it, let them do it. </strong><span>Back when I was doing a lot of sewing, my son decided he was going to play with the pins. I was about to say something, but instead, I just watched. He started to play with the pins, got stuck with one, and then yelled, “Ow!”. He quickly realized that he shouldn’t be playing with pins. I didn’t have to scream or slap his hand, which only would have made getting into the pins much more exciting.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Learn to control your anger.</strong><span> Many parents get angry when their little kids spill something. Why? It’s not like they sat there and thought, </span><em>“Gee, I’m going to spill this on purpose.” </em><span>They don’t think about it because their brains aren’t even formed until 5 or 6. They are exploring the world and being scientific.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Find the humor in parenting. </strong>Laugh more about the kinds of things your kids do. You do that by having realistic expectations. </p>
</li>
</ol></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_072017.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-11-05T23:36:00Z5 Behaviors You Should Never Tolerate in a RelationshipStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Behaviors-You-Should-Never-Tolerate-in-a-Relationship/179306743078083668.html2017-11-04T18:03:00Z2017-11-04T18:03:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3be9b8d8-511a-8f50-058d-161e0e95c843">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Many people stay in relationships that they know are bad for them because they are desperate, lonely, or scared. However, red flags only get worse, not better, over time. Here are 5 behaviors that you should never tolerate in a relationship:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Cheating.</strong><span> If you’re not typically a neurotic, paranoid, or hypersensitive person and you suspect your boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating, you’re probably right. If they change their appearance, guard their cell phone, or disappear for hours at a time and then give you crap for wanting to know where they’ve been, trust your instincts. Not only are they willing to hurt your feelings, but they’re also willing to put your life at risk by possibly exposing you to HIV or HPV.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Lying. </strong><span>We all fib from time to time, but if there’s a pattern of lying, dump them. Keeping secrets hurts relationships, no matter what the motivation is. People typically lie to serve themselves and avoid accountability. You can’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to accept responsibility.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Yelling. </strong><span>We all get angry, but yelling cannot be anyone’s routine form of expression.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Selfishness.</strong><span> There’s no way you can have a relationship with someone who’s self-absorbed. Compromise and giving are everything in a relationship. Otherwise, you’re going to feel angry, drained, diminished, and unimportant.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Physical abuse. </strong>Abuse isn’t about love - it’s a lack of the ability to love and be loved. It’s about power and control. Don’t think you’re going to be the one who’s going to change them.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_071717.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-11-04T18:03:00Z5 Things You Should Stop Expecting from OthersStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Things-You-Should-Stop-Expecting-from-Others/-658512581926871180.html2017-10-30T16:20:00Z2017-10-30T16:20:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3be9b8d8-511a-8f50-058d-161e0e95c843"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a61738d-561b-50ce-cdd2-9bf96ca6fe14"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7c4c055e-6077-9844-558d-d657b63f895f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2503165a-752c-8046-109f-48c89ef4f75f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-970ca399-9e04-7939-ecf9-b23dbfa75d77"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5cb22f96-bd2e-cfba-98a7-18e448ed7e33"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2af40836-c23f-2c40-8eb8-aeff947785f3">
<p dir="ltr"><span>We all have expectations of others which may or may not be fair or realistic. I remember when I was a kid, my mother would tell me stories about growing up in Italy. Her mother died when she was 15, and it felt like her entire world was destroyed. She told me that she looked out the window of their home and saw people walking around in the streets talking, laughing, and going to work. She remembered thinking in that moment, </span><em>“How can they all be OK? My mother just died.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>That’s one of the problems we have with our expectations of other people. Everyone has their own lives, and we are very fortunate when they sacrifice some of their time and space for us. Of course, there are some basic things you should expect in any relationship, such as honesty and compassion. But counting on people to fill a void (such as one left by a parent) will only lead to a lot of unnecessary suffering. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are 5 things you should stop expecting from others:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Being perfect. </strong><span>No one is going to be perfect or always do the right thing. If that’s your expectation, you will always be disappointed. Instead of expecting perfection, you should expect quality of character. Is this person generally giving, loving, and kind?</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Agreeing with everything you say. </strong><span>You can have strong thoughts, feelings, and opinions and still have a relationship with someone whose views differ.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Taking care of you.</strong><span> It is certainly a requirement of any friendship that you take care of each other in times of need, loss, pain, or disaster. But everybody has their limits and their own lives. Sometimes it’s good to say,</span><em> “I’m concerned that I’m becoming a burden. If you need me to back off and toughen up a bit, let me know.” </em><span>It’s all about communication.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Acting the same way you would. </strong><span>Just because you treat people a certain way doesn’t mean you can expect them to treat you that way. Everybody isn’t like you. You have to be flexible.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Investing a lot in you when you don’t invest in yourself.</strong><span> At some point, you are going to realize that God helps those who help themselves. People recognize that they are wasting their time being helpful and supportive if you’re not putting in the effort.</span></p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span> </span></span></span></span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_080817.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-10-30T16:20:00Z6 Tips for Bouncing Back from RejectionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Tips-for-Bouncing-Back-from-Rejection/-57081242579760783.html2017-10-27T05:11:00Z2017-10-27T05:11:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-88753558-52ca-3d81-9c22-d260fd4226e9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da107c17-715b-f63a-f8e8-d1b6c895e46b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-60cd0509-76cb-7655-b005-6da6006abb76"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-49c811d0-87f2-5b1c-a010-9bbe4b300030"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cc01a10a-87fe-d9b3-d053-9d1743140501"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-b1727868-a2ac-6a05-cad7-fde3212685ae"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d61c345b-b6ae-3d06-ee23-34d9ba5b650e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e3e83467-b6cf-40d8-dc24-900995bfdfda"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fe8a4328-b6d8-f5d8-4b4c-92a1f5c8a0dd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fe8a4328-b6d8-f5d8-4b4c-92a1f5c8a0dd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-dac22997-ddd4-818a-9116-970606d55360"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-55489893-f342-b168-128c-25724dd6722e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7daec70c-f3a7-68c4-2038-412b44e01ccc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fb8b9be3-f439-bbcb-bb38-6aabf25bdb35"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3f2c664f-235a-26ba-ae0a-df290ec95cbd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3ded1557-2375-c1bd-4407-e30dcf4cd9e3"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f49fcaa7-2e7d-9eaa-a42c-9c9e349b0fe1"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-99807aae-479a-eda5-1a0f-05eee14689ab"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7c915bf-47a0-971f-c707-f864069dd13b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-211d78d5-47a4-6922-17d7-35a44a61b700">
<p dir="ltr"><span>When faced with rejection, many people crumble, quit, or put on a pseudo-brave face, saying, </span><em>“I didn’t want that person/job anyway.”</em><span> However, a mentally and emotionally strong person admits the truth. </span><em>“Damn this hurts.” “I feel awful.” “I’m embarrassed.” “I’m disappointed.” </em><span>If you don’t face up to your emotions, then you can’t fix the situation.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are 6 tips for bouncing back from rejection:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t have a pity party. </strong><span>Rejections can be an event, or you can make them your identity for the rest of your life. People who are good at bouncing back don’t go into the “never” - </span><em>“I will NEVER get another job,” </em><span>or,</span><em> “I will NEVER find another friend.”</em><span> A rejection is not the end of the world.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t let failure define you. </strong><span>Just because someone doesn’t want you doesn’t mean you’re unloveable. I’m sure there have been people you haven’t wanted, not because there was anything wrong with them, but because they simply didn’t jostle your molecules. So don’t define who you are by an event or even a series of similar events.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be kinder to yourself. </strong><span>When you’ve been beaten up, there’s no need to beat yourself up even more. Look in the mirror and admire that even though you’re unhappy, uncomfortable, disappointed, miserable, and/or hurt, you ain’t quitting.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Learn from the rejection.</strong><span> Ask yourself, </span><em>“What could have I done better?” </em><span>Whether it was your fault or not, ask yourself what you could have done differently.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Give yourself time to recover. </strong><span>Giving yourself time to recover from the hurt feelings allows you to be revved up for the next time.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Have the attitude that it’s going to get better. </strong>If you approach something with a good attitude, it’s most likely going to turn out better.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span> </span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_102617.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2017-10-27T05:11:00Z4 Things to Never Talk About Behind Your Spouse's BackStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/4-Things-to-Never-Talk-About-Behind-Your-Spouses-Back/-131883021023400806.html2017-10-25T05:06:00Z2017-10-25T05:06:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-88753558-52ca-3d81-9c22-d260fd4226e9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da107c17-715b-f63a-f8e8-d1b6c895e46b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-60cd0509-76cb-7655-b005-6da6006abb76"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-49c811d0-87f2-5b1c-a010-9bbe4b300030"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cc01a10a-87fe-d9b3-d053-9d1743140501"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-b1727868-a2ac-6a05-cad7-fde3212685ae"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d61c345b-b6ae-3d06-ee23-34d9ba5b650e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e3e83467-b6cf-40d8-dc24-900995bfdfda"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fe8a4328-b6d8-f5d8-4b4c-92a1f5c8a0dd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fe8a4328-b6d8-f5d8-4b4c-92a1f5c8a0dd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-dac22997-ddd4-818a-9116-970606d55360"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-55489893-f342-b168-128c-25724dd6722e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7daec70c-f3a7-68c4-2038-412b44e01ccc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fb8b9be3-f439-bbcb-bb38-6aabf25bdb35"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3f2c664f-235a-26ba-ae0a-df290ec95cbd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3ded1557-2375-c1bd-4407-e30dcf4cd9e3"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f49fcaa7-2e7d-9eaa-a42c-9c9e349b0fe1"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-99807aae-479a-eda5-1a0f-05eee14689ab"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7c915bf-47a0-971f-c707-f864069dd13b">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Many people like to discuss their marital issues with their friends because they want sympathy and someone to side with them. However, just because someone is your friend doesn’t mean he or she has the wisdom or experience to help you. Your friend is probably not a professional, and everybody has his or her own values and agendas. In fact, if you badmouth your spouse and then reconcile, you may irreparably muddy their character.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are 4 things you shouldn’t talk about with anyone but your spouse:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Your sex life. </strong><span>Whether your sex life is great or terrible, you shouldn’t be describing it to your friends. How would you like it if your spouse was going around talking about how your body parts function and how you behave during sex?</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Money. </strong><span>From bragging about having a lot to complaining about not having enough, discussing money causes jealousy between friends. People are sensitive about finances, and plus, you don’t want your friends viewing your spouse as irresponsible or negligent when times are tough.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Medical/weight issues. </strong><span>I think this one is self-explanatory.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>In-law problems. </strong><span>Just like 1-3, unless your spouse has explicitly said, “It’s OK with me that you discuss this with your friends,” keep your mouth shut.</span></p>
</li>
</ol><span>The bottom line is, </span><strong>don’t say anything to a friend that you wouldn’t say if your spouse was listening</strong><span><strong>.</strong> It’s really simple - it’s called respect.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span> </span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_102417.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2017-10-25T05:06:00ZWhat to Do When You're Feeling Completely HopelessStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-to-Do-When-Youre-Feeling-Completely-Hopeless/477810135110783847.html2017-10-24T04:59:00Z2017-10-24T04:59:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-88753558-52ca-3d81-9c22-d260fd4226e9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da107c17-715b-f63a-f8e8-d1b6c895e46b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-60cd0509-76cb-7655-b005-6da6006abb76"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-49c811d0-87f2-5b1c-a010-9bbe4b300030"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cc01a10a-87fe-d9b3-d053-9d1743140501"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-b1727868-a2ac-6a05-cad7-fde3212685ae"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d61c345b-b6ae-3d06-ee23-34d9ba5b650e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e3e83467-b6cf-40d8-dc24-900995bfdfda"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fe8a4328-b6d8-f5d8-4b4c-92a1f5c8a0dd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fe8a4328-b6d8-f5d8-4b4c-92a1f5c8a0dd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-dac22997-ddd4-818a-9116-970606d55360"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-55489893-f342-b168-128c-25724dd6722e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7daec70c-f3a7-68c4-2038-412b44e01ccc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fb8b9be3-f439-bbcb-bb38-6aabf25bdb35"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3f2c664f-235a-26ba-ae0a-df290ec95cbd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3ded1557-2375-c1bd-4407-e30dcf4cd9e3"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f49fcaa7-2e7d-9eaa-a42c-9c9e349b0fe1"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-99807aae-479a-eda5-1a0f-05eee14689ab">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Just about everybody has felt hopeless at some time or another. I know that I sure have. It’s like the bottom has fallen out of your universe and things are never going to get better. You may think you have no purpose, nothing to look forward to, or no point in existing.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here’s what to do when you’ve gotten to that point:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Doubt your hopelessness. </strong><span>When you doubt that things will never get better or that you’re incapable of doing anything of value, you open yourself up to possibilities. Some things in life certainly are hopeless - you’ve invested years in a relationship that was wrong from the start, you’ve lost your home in a flood, your loved one is terminally ill, etc. However, most things in life are not hopeless. You don’t have to thoroughly believe it, but you need to at least doubt how bleak things really are. You have to distinguish what is truly hopeless from what is not.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t give up. </strong><span>Many people struggle to keep going because they’ve tried and tried, only to feel more negative than they did before. Yet, you have to keep in mind that you haven’t tried everything.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Ask yourself if you’re holding on to feeling hopeless. </strong><span>Some people want to hold on to pain or continue to be the victim in order to protect themselves. Even though being miserable is uncomfortable at least it’s familiar. They think that if they don’t try, they won’t be exhausted, frustrated, or confused. It’s simply easier to be miserable. However, if you want a quality life between now and dead, you need to make the transition to feeling hopeful and purposeful.</span></p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span> </span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_102317.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2017-10-24T04:59:00Z5 Tips for Discussing Problems in Your RelationshipStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Tips-for-Discussing-Problems-in-Your-Relationship/825786051245721606.html2017-10-18T07:57:00Z2017-10-18T07:57:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-88753558-52ca-3d81-9c22-d260fd4226e9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da107c17-715b-f63a-f8e8-d1b6c895e46b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-60cd0509-76cb-7655-b005-6da6006abb76"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-49c811d0-87f2-5b1c-a010-9bbe4b300030"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cc01a10a-87fe-d9b3-d053-9d1743140501"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-b1727868-a2ac-6a05-cad7-fde3212685ae"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d61c345b-b6ae-3d06-ee23-34d9ba5b650e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e3e83467-b6cf-40d8-dc24-900995bfdfda"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fe8a4328-b6d8-f5d8-4b4c-92a1f5c8a0dd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fe8a4328-b6d8-f5d8-4b4c-92a1f5c8a0dd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-dac22997-ddd4-818a-9116-970606d55360"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-55489893-f342-b168-128c-25724dd6722e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7daec70c-f3a7-68c4-2038-412b44e01ccc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fb8b9be3-f439-bbcb-bb38-6aabf25bdb35"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3f2c664f-235a-26ba-ae0a-df290ec95cbd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3ded1557-2375-c1bd-4407-e30dcf4cd9e3"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f49fcaa7-2e7d-9eaa-a42c-9c9e349b0fe1">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Ignoring problems in your relationship doesn’t make them go away - they only get worse. It’s not easy to hear that someone you love is dissatisfied with something about you, but it’s absolutely essential that you have a conversation about it. Here are 5 tips for discussing problems in your relationship:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Make sure you’re with someone who can talk about relationship problems.</strong><span> Too many people find out that they’re with someone who can’t talk things out and get married anyway. You have to be with someone who cares enough to listen, empathize, and make an effort to change. And YOU need to be that person too. If neither person is willing to do that, then you’re wasting your time.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Any time you’re going to say something that sounds like a criticism, start by saying something positive:</strong></p>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>“I really care about you.”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>“I respect and admire you.”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>“I love the time we spend together.”</em></p>
</li>
</ul>
<p dir="ltr"><em>Then</em> say you need to talk. That way, you’re not attacking.</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Pick the right time and place. </strong>The right time is in private (e.g. don’t do it at your parents’ house within earshot of everyone). The wrong time is when someone is exhausted or already frenzied about something else.</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Accept the idea that you’re contributing to the problem. </strong><span>For example, if you’re explaining to your boyfriend or girlfriend that he/she doesn’t listen when you’re trying to complain about something, perhaps you’re spending so much time complaining that he/she simply can’t stand it anymore.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t sweep the issue under the rug.</strong> If you’re mad about something, discuss it. Brainstorm together about how to make things better. Don’t hold on to something and explode about it later.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span> </span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_101817.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2017-10-18T07:57:00Z9 Ways to Ruin Your Relationship with Your TeenagerStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/9-Ways-to-Ruin-Your-Relationship-with-Your-Teenager/-158612361640082547.html2017-10-18T04:43:00Z2017-10-18T04:43:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-88753558-52ca-3d81-9c22-d260fd4226e9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da107c17-715b-f63a-f8e8-d1b6c895e46b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-60cd0509-76cb-7655-b005-6da6006abb76"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-49c811d0-87f2-5b1c-a010-9bbe4b300030"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cc01a10a-87fe-d9b3-d053-9d1743140501"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-b1727868-a2ac-6a05-cad7-fde3212685ae"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d61c345b-b6ae-3d06-ee23-34d9ba5b650e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e3e83467-b6cf-40d8-dc24-900995bfdfda"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fe8a4328-b6d8-f5d8-4b4c-92a1f5c8a0dd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fe8a4328-b6d8-f5d8-4b4c-92a1f5c8a0dd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-dac22997-ddd4-818a-9116-970606d55360"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-55489893-f342-b168-128c-25724dd6722e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7daec70c-f3a7-68c4-2038-412b44e01ccc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fb8b9be3-f439-bbcb-bb38-6aabf25bdb35"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3f2c664f-235a-26ba-ae0a-df290ec95cbd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3ded1557-2375-c1bd-4407-e30dcf4cd9e3">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Too many parents seem to have completely forgotten what it was like to be teenagers. With all the chaos going on inside your head, body and life, what you really need is a mom and dad who are loving, attentive, and involved, not naggy. Here are 9 ways parents ruin their relationships with their teenagers:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You don’t listen.</strong><span> You’re so busy lecturing that you don’t hear what they have to say. Shut up and listen.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You grill them with questions.</strong><span> Ask questions, but don’t act like you’re on NCIS trying to figure out who committed the murder. If they don’t answer immediately, just stay quiet. Somebody will fill the silence, and if you don’t butt in right away, it will be them.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You always criticize. </strong><span>Instead of constantly criticizing your teeanger, how about complimenting him/her? For example, </span><em>“I am really impressed that you helped your brother even though you were tired.” </em><span>Complimenting your kids shows them that you notice something other than what they do wrong.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You don’t pick your battles. </strong><span>As long as they eat something green, it’s not the end of the world if they don’t eat broccoli.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You never apologize</strong><span><strong>. </strong>Parents are typically stingy with apologies because they think it shows weakness. Actually, it’s quite the opposite. Your kids will respect you more if you admit that you were out of line or overreacted. And when you apologize, never say, </span><em>“I’m sorry if you were upset.”</em><span> That’s not apologizing for </span><em>your</em><span> behavior.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You make them feel like the least important part of your life. </strong><span>Your teenager shouldn’t feel second to your phone, friends, hobbies, career, or romantic life.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You nitpick their appearance. </strong><span>Gentle reminders are one thing, nagging is another.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You compare them to other kids. </strong><span> Never say things like, </span><em>“Why can’t you be more like ______?”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You expect them to be perfect. </strong><span> You can’t treat every activity they pick up like they’re on the road to winning a gold medal. They don’t have to be great at everything. The point is they have fun and look forward to doing it.</span></p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span> </span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_101717.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2017-10-18T04:43:00Z6 Signs It's Time to Let Go of a FriendStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Signs-Its-Time-to-Let-Go-of-a-Friend/420028845443978141.html2017-10-17T04:03:00Z2017-10-17T04:03:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-88753558-52ca-3d81-9c22-d260fd4226e9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da107c17-715b-f63a-f8e8-d1b6c895e46b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-60cd0509-76cb-7655-b005-6da6006abb76"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-49c811d0-87f2-5b1c-a010-9bbe4b300030"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cc01a10a-87fe-d9b3-d053-9d1743140501"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-b1727868-a2ac-6a05-cad7-fde3212685ae"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d61c345b-b6ae-3d06-ee23-34d9ba5b650e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e3e83467-b6cf-40d8-dc24-900995bfdfda"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fe8a4328-b6d8-f5d8-4b4c-92a1f5c8a0dd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fe8a4328-b6d8-f5d8-4b4c-92a1f5c8a0dd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-dac22997-ddd4-818a-9116-970606d55360"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-55489893-f342-b168-128c-25724dd6722e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7daec70c-f3a7-68c4-2038-412b44e01ccc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fb8b9be3-f439-bbcb-bb38-6aabf25bdb35"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3f2c664f-235a-26ba-ae0a-df290ec95cbd">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Letting go of a friend isn’t always an easy decision, but it can be a very healthy one. Not every friendship is meant to last forever. Here are 6 signs that enough is enough:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Your friendship gives you constant anxiety</strong><span><strong>. </strong>Friendships are ultimately meant to be pleasurable, not uncomfortable and worrisome. If the negative stuff is happening more frequently than the positive, it’s time to consider moving on.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Your friend is always trying to compete.</strong><span> Friends are supposed to be supportive and encouraging.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Your friend doesn’t bring anything to the table. </strong><span>Every friend in your life should offer something different, like a beautiful garden with different flowers. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Your friendship is lopsided. </strong><span>Friendships are supposed to be reciprocal. Sure, there are times in each of your lives when things turn to crap and you simply can’t be there. But if you have someone in your life who always takes and never gives, that’s not a friend - that’s a leech.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Your friend is controlling. </strong><span>Everything shouldn’t always be about what your friend thinks or wants. Don’t become an inanimate object because your friend is always calling the shots.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You feel bad after you get together.</strong> Interacting with your friend should add to your feeling of well-being, not detract from it.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span> </span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_101617.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2017-10-17T04:03:00Z10 Signs Your Relationship Won't LastStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/10-Signs-Your-Relationship-Wont-Last/158132717707980288.html2017-10-13T00:25:00Z2017-10-13T00:25:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-88753558-52ca-3d81-9c22-d260fd4226e9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da107c17-715b-f63a-f8e8-d1b6c895e46b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-60cd0509-76cb-7655-b005-6da6006abb76"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-49c811d0-87f2-5b1c-a010-9bbe4b300030"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cc01a10a-87fe-d9b3-d053-9d1743140501"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-b1727868-a2ac-6a05-cad7-fde3212685ae"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d61c345b-b6ae-3d06-ee23-34d9ba5b650e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e3e83467-b6cf-40d8-dc24-900995bfdfda"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fe8a4328-b6d8-f5d8-4b4c-92a1f5c8a0dd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fe8a4328-b6d8-f5d8-4b4c-92a1f5c8a0dd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-dac22997-ddd4-818a-9116-970606d55360"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-55489893-f342-b168-128c-25724dd6722e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7daec70c-f3a7-68c4-2038-412b44e01ccc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fb8b9be3-f439-bbcb-bb38-6aabf25bdb35">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Relationships aren’t butterflies and rainbows all the time. You have to put in work. Yet, some obstacles cannot be overcome. Here are 10 signs your relationship isn’t going to last:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You confuse comfort for love. </strong><span>Many people stay in bad relationships because they are comforted by the familiar. However, that’s a waste of your life. Don’t be afraid of discomfort.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You are kept a secret. </strong><span>If the person you’re dating doesn’t introduce you to his or her friends and family, you’re not on the radar for the long haul. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>It’s all take and no give. </strong><span>All relationships require sacrifice and negotiation, but if the compromise is constant and strenuous, that’s a problem.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Your family and friends disapprove.</strong> Listen to the people who love you the most.</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You justify bad behavior. </strong><span>You make excuses because your boyfriend/girlfriend had something in his/her childhood. Recognize a pattern when you see one.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Your core values don’t align</strong><span><strong>.</strong> Opposites may attract, but they don’t work well together. For example, if you’re religious and he/she isn’t, you’re setting yourself up for a lot of pain down the road, especially when you have kids.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You’re not on the same page. </strong><span>If one of you still likes to party and the other wants to settle down and have kids, you have different priorities.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You don’t communicate. </strong><span>Communication is like oxygen in any relationship. You need to be able to discuss problems, thoughts, dreams, and feelings. When things don’t work, you must brainstorm on how to fix them. You have to work as a team, not treat each other like competitors.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You don’t own your mistakes.</strong><span> Both of you need to be able to say, “I’m sorry,” and mean it.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Someone has cheated, stolen, or lied.</strong> Certain behaviors have a one-strike law. If you stick around, it’s not out of love - it’s out of desperation.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span> </span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_101217.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2017-10-13T00:25:00Z5 Tips for Overcoming Your Feelings of LonelinessStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Tips-for-Overcoming-Your-Feelings-of-Loneliness/-286412903849778016.html2017-10-10T21:45:00Z2017-10-10T21:45:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-88753558-52ca-3d81-9c22-d260fd4226e9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da107c17-715b-f63a-f8e8-d1b6c895e46b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-60cd0509-76cb-7655-b005-6da6006abb76"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-49c811d0-87f2-5b1c-a010-9bbe4b300030"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cc01a10a-87fe-d9b3-d053-9d1743140501"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-b1727868-a2ac-6a05-cad7-fde3212685ae"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d61c345b-b6ae-3d06-ee23-34d9ba5b650e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e3e83467-b6cf-40d8-dc24-900995bfdfda"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fe8a4328-b6d8-f5d8-4b4c-92a1f5c8a0dd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fe8a4328-b6d8-f5d8-4b4c-92a1f5c8a0dd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-dac22997-ddd4-818a-9116-970606d55360"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-55489893-f342-b168-128c-25724dd6722e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7daec70c-f3a7-68c4-2038-412b44e01ccc">
<p dir="ltr"><span>You may not believe it, but loneliness is a voluntary condition. We choose whether to interact or close ourselves off, which can have a profoundly destructive effect on our lives. Here are 5 tips for overcoming your feelings of loneliness:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Make an effort. </strong><span>Don’t wait for invitations - make them. Call people up.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Cut out the negative self-talk. </strong><span>Stop degrading and insulting yourself. Don’t assume you know everyone’s reaction towards you. Everybody responds differently.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be willing to welcome affection and attention</strong><span><strong>.</strong> No matter how uncomfortable it is, close your eyes, open up your arms, and say to yourself, </span><span>“I am open to having people care about me.”</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Put yourself out there</strong><span><strong>.</strong> The more you isolate yourself, the more negative you get. Find activities you like (or would like to learn) and join a group of people doing them.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be open and honest with yourself. </strong>We all have baggage that we’re ashamed of. No matter how ugly or painful it is, say it out loud. By saying it out loud, it has a lot less power. It’s like taking it outside of your body so you can see it for what it is.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span> </span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_101017.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2017-10-10T21:45:00Z6 Tips for Creating Chores for Your ChildrenStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Tips-for-Creating-Chores-for-Your-Children/-163377163125726862.html2017-10-09T19:55:00Z2017-10-09T19:55:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-88753558-52ca-3d81-9c22-d260fd4226e9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da107c17-715b-f63a-f8e8-d1b6c895e46b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-60cd0509-76cb-7655-b005-6da6006abb76"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-49c811d0-87f2-5b1c-a010-9bbe4b300030"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cc01a10a-87fe-d9b3-d053-9d1743140501"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-b1727868-a2ac-6a05-cad7-fde3212685ae"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d61c345b-b6ae-3d06-ee23-34d9ba5b650e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e3e83467-b6cf-40d8-dc24-900995bfdfda"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fe8a4328-b6d8-f5d8-4b4c-92a1f5c8a0dd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fe8a4328-b6d8-f5d8-4b4c-92a1f5c8a0dd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-dac22997-ddd4-818a-9116-970606d55360"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-55489893-f342-b168-128c-25724dd6722e">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Why do kids need chores? Is it because we’re lazy parents? No - it’s because they need to learn life skills. Kids who learn to be self-sufficient at mastering tasks and feel valued as part of the family don’t collapse under peer pressure because they are confident in themselves. Love and work are the cornerstones of humanity, and people who don’t experience either don’t do well in life.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are 6 tips for creating chores for your children:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Start early. </strong><span>Even with 2-year-olds, you can start assigning age-appropriate tasks such as putting toys away in a box. As they get older, you give them other chores like setting the table, folding laundry, cleaning around the house, washing dishes, taking out the trash, feeding the animals, and gardening.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Always be very clear about what you want them to do. </strong><span> Don’t just say, </span><em>“Clean your room.” </em><span>To a kid, that means shoving everything under the bed or in the closet. You need to be specific. For example, </span><em>“Pick up the clothes and put them in the hamper.”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Give positive feedback. </strong><span>Instead of waiting until your child has finished cleaning their room, walk in while they are putting things away and say, </span><em>“You’re doing a great job.”</em><span> That way, they get excited about doing a good job, and it motivates them to keep going.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Make chores fair. </strong><span>Don’t have one child do the same chores all the time. Rotate.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be reasonable with your expectations. </strong><span>If you want something done a certain way, show them how to do it. And don’t crush their spirit if they don’t do it right. The home should be a safe haven for learning.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t use money as a reward system</strong><span><strong>. </strong>You don’t want your kids to develop a sense of entitlement for every favor they do around the house. Instead, give out tokens for certain tasks. Buy toys or other reward items that your kids can earn once they’ve accumulated enough tokens.</span></p>
</li>
</ol></span> </span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span> </span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_100917.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2017-10-09T19:55:00ZMy Thoughts on the Las Vegas ShootingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/My-Thoughts-on-the-Las-Vegas-Shooting/-143166420144344067.html2017-10-03T18:08:00Z2017-10-03T18:08:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-88753558-52ca-3d81-9c22-d260fd4226e9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da107c17-715b-f63a-f8e8-d1b6c895e46b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-60cd0509-76cb-7655-b005-6da6006abb76"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-49c811d0-87f2-5b1c-a010-9bbe4b300030"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cc01a10a-87fe-d9b3-d053-9d1743140501"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-b1727868-a2ac-6a05-cad7-fde3212685ae"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d61c345b-b6ae-3d06-ee23-34d9ba5b650e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e3e83467-b6cf-40d8-dc24-900995bfdfda"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fe8a4328-b6d8-f5d8-4b4c-92a1f5c8a0dd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fe8a4328-b6d8-f5d8-4b4c-92a1f5c8a0dd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-dac22997-ddd4-818a-9116-970606d55360">
<p>I have been on the air for a span of 42 years. I have gone on the air shortly after my husband died, and shortly after a mastectomy, for which I’m told I’m cured. All kinds of things. But I’ll be honest and open like I always am. I am devastated today. It was just one sentence that was on the TV about the catastrophe in Nevada, I had to turn it off. They were repeating the same things over and over again, and it makes me insane.</p>
<p>But there are still bodies on the ground at the massacre site, where the concert was. Somehow with all the things they had said - 500 people injured, not just by gunshot wounds but running away and being trampled. We’re closing in on 60 dead people as if that wasn’t bad enough, when I heard there were still bodies on the ground. </p>
<p>I’m a mother and it doesn’t matter how old your kids are. I am very shaken. I identify with the abject horror and pain of the mothers who don’t know if one of those bodies is one of their kids on the ground.</p>
<p>My son and I and my daughter-in-law communicate every day - call, text, etc. This morning we talked on the phone before everybody got their day started. My son was in the military, a combat soldier in Afghanistan, and he was shaken and devastated. He said,<em> “I was in hard core combat”</em> (he still wears bracelets of friends who died in his presence)<em>. </em>He said the video of Las Vegas was even worse than anything he saw in Afghanistan. A lot of military people are saying that, that this is the most horrible thing.</p>
<p>We have somebody’s dead children on the ground and politicians already playing politics. The point is well taken; it’s just the timing is self-serving. You don’t do politics when people are suffering and dying. You just don’t do that. My son and I are big on guns and big on the 2nd amendment and that hasn’t changed. But looking at each other on the phone we agreed that nobody needs a long distance automatic rifle with that kind of penetration. The notion is you’re supposed to be able to protect yourself, but the kind of rifles we’re talking about here are only necessary in combat.</p>
<p>Those kinds of guns are unnecessary for the public to have. I agree with that policy, but I think it’s nauseating the timing that these politicians have. It’s so self-serving that they don’t know that there are still dead kids lying on the ground. And that’s an image I can’t get past because I’m a mother and every one of those has a mother waiting to find out if one of those dead kids lying on the ground is theirs. And that torments me terribly.</p>
<p>I didn’t expect to wake up today to face this. It’s just unfathomable - evil is unfathomable because it has no limits. </p>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span> </span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_100317.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2017-10-03T18:08:00ZHow to Keep Your Marriage from Falling Apart After You Have a BabyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Keep-Your-Marriage-from-Falling-Apart-After-You-Have-a-Baby/482565434665457573.html2017-10-02T16:03:00Z2017-10-02T16:03:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-88753558-52ca-3d81-9c22-d260fd4226e9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da107c17-715b-f63a-f8e8-d1b6c895e46b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-60cd0509-76cb-7655-b005-6da6006abb76"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-49c811d0-87f2-5b1c-a010-9bbe4b300030"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cc01a10a-87fe-d9b3-d053-9d1743140501"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-b1727868-a2ac-6a05-cad7-fde3212685ae"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d61c345b-b6ae-3d06-ee23-34d9ba5b650e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e3e83467-b6cf-40d8-dc24-900995bfdfda"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fe8a4328-b6d8-f5d8-4b4c-92a1f5c8a0dd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fe8a4328-b6d8-f5d8-4b4c-92a1f5c8a0dd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-dac22997-ddd4-818a-9116-970606d55360">
<p dir="ltr"><span>After you have a baby, nothing is the same. You and your spouse are zapped of energy from not sleeping, and everything in your life (your dearly beloved included) may seem annoying. Here’s how to keep your relationship strong through this crazy time:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Show each other appreciation.</strong><span> From financial contributions to getting up at all hours of the night, make sure you show each other appreciation.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be flexible towards your spouse’s parenting style. </strong><span>Whether it’s about rules, bedtime, or what to do when your child throws a tantrum, don’t be a know-it-all. You may be trying to repeat the atmosphere in your home, but there are lots of ways to burp a baby or put on diapers. Don’t get snarky and annoying about your</span><span> </span><span>way being the </span><span>only</span><span> way. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Stop keeping track of who does what.</strong><span> When it comes to cooking and cleaning, you can no longer think about “roles” - it’s simply a mission to eat or clean up. Brainstorm together and work as a team.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Schedule time for intimacy. </strong><span>It can be really tough to feel sexy with a baby screaming and crying. On top of that, being tired makes you choose sleep over intimacy. However, you need to get mentally ready for getting some, just like you did when you were dating. Make sure your bedroom is free of the baby and baby accessories so you can go back to seeing each other as lovers.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t let grandparents take over. </strong><span>Grandparents want a lot of baby time, but you can’t let them move in and rule the roost. Tell them you’re grateful, but you need time to yourselves with the baby and as a couple.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be sensitive about money.</strong> It’s very easy to take your anxiety about money out on your baby and your spouse. Men especially don’t like to discuss money issues because they don’t want to feel like they’re not adequately taking care of their families. Talk to each other about finances without being accusatory.</p>
</li>
</ol></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span> </span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_100217.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2017-10-02T16:03:00Z4 Tips to Simplify Your LifeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/4-Tips-to-Simplify-Your-Life/-412634566238245445.html2017-09-29T02:21:00Z2017-09-29T02:21:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-88753558-52ca-3d81-9c22-d260fd4226e9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da107c17-715b-f63a-f8e8-d1b6c895e46b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-60cd0509-76cb-7655-b005-6da6006abb76"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-49c811d0-87f2-5b1c-a010-9bbe4b300030"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cc01a10a-87fe-d9b3-d053-9d1743140501"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-b1727868-a2ac-6a05-cad7-fde3212685ae"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d61c345b-b6ae-3d06-ee23-34d9ba5b650e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e3e83467-b6cf-40d8-dc24-900995bfdfda"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fe8a4328-b6d8-f5d8-4b4c-92a1f5c8a0dd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fe8a4328-b6d8-f5d8-4b4c-92a1f5c8a0dd">
<p dir="ltr"><span>A lot of you think you can do 84,000 things in a day and not feel stressed. Well news flash - you’re not Superman or Wonder Woman. You can’t do it all, especially not without neglecting those you love most. Here are 3 tips to simplify your daily hustle:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be willing to let your brain settle. </strong><span>Set aside days to recover mentally and physically. Put your feet up, read, take a nap, watch a movie, cuddle with your spouse, or take the dog for a walk. Otherwise, you’re running a marathon you can’t win.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Know your limitations. </strong><span>If you put too much into too many things, you’re going to end up overstressed and overwhelmed. You can’t fix or do everything. Some days you’ll get more done than other days - that’s just how it goes.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Make a list of your 10 most important obligations and responsibilities. </strong><span>It’s amazing how many people can’t narrow it down to 10. Figure out what your unessential essentials are. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Get your priorities straight. </strong><span>Stop prioritizing the wrong things for the wrong people.</span></p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_092817.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2017-09-29T02:21:00ZHow to Be There for Your Wife After a MiscarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Be-There-for-Your-Wife-After-a-Miscarriage/776559621903305718.html2017-09-27T02:12:00Z2017-09-27T02:12:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-88753558-52ca-3d81-9c22-d260fd4226e9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da107c17-715b-f63a-f8e8-d1b6c895e46b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-60cd0509-76cb-7655-b005-6da6006abb76"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-49c811d0-87f2-5b1c-a010-9bbe4b300030"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cc01a10a-87fe-d9b3-d053-9d1743140501"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-b1727868-a2ac-6a05-cad7-fde3212685ae"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d61c345b-b6ae-3d06-ee23-34d9ba5b650e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e3e83467-b6cf-40d8-dc24-900995bfdfda">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Having a miscarriage is one of the most painful events a woman can experience. As a husband, here’s how you can be there for your wife:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Physically be there. </strong><span>Hug her. Provide any medical attention she needs.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Take charge. </strong><span>Take care of the cooking, cleaning, and other stuff around the house.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be ready to talk at a moment’s notice.</strong><span> Hold her and remind her that it’s not her fault. Tell her you love her and that nothing has changed.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be careful what you say.</strong><span> One of the worst things you can say is, </span><em>“Don’t worry, we’ll make another baby.”</em><span> You may mean well, but it makes you sound dismissive and insensitive.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Express your feelings. </strong><span>Many men don’t want to be vulnerable in front of their wives. Let her see you cry. Let her see that it’s hurting you as much as it’s hurting her.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Get her mother and/or sister to be there</strong><span><strong>. </strong>Somebody needs to be the lioness at the gate. When family and friends call, your wife is not going to want to repeat the details to everyone. Let her mother/sister fend off the calls.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Take care of yourself. </strong><span>Don’t drink or use drugs. Understand there’s nothing you can do to fix this, and you need to address your feelings of loss and helplessness.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be patient.</strong> Moving forward can take weeks or months. Don’t push your wife to move on from it. If your wife feels that you are insensitive during this painful time, your marriage could be over. Don’t plan for the future. Just tenderly recover together.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_092617.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2017-09-27T02:12:00ZGetting Over Your Fear of Not Feeling Good EnoughStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Getting-Over-Your-Fear-of-Not-Feeling-Good-Enough/-312046527986661879.html2017-09-26T01:36:00Z2017-09-26T01:36:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-88753558-52ca-3d81-9c22-d260fd4226e9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da107c17-715b-f63a-f8e8-d1b6c895e46b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-60cd0509-76cb-7655-b005-6da6006abb76"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-49c811d0-87f2-5b1c-a010-9bbe4b300030"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cc01a10a-87fe-d9b3-d053-9d1743140501"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-b1727868-a2ac-6a05-cad7-fde3212685ae"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d61c345b-b6ae-3d06-ee23-34d9ba5b650e">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Every person on the face of the earth (outside of hardcore narcissists and sociopaths) has experienced the fear and discomfort of not feeling good enough. Here’s how to challenge it:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Understand what’s causing your fear</strong><span><strong>.</strong> Are you actually not good at what you’re trying to do, or are you concerned that others perceive you as not good enough? You need to know where the idea of not being good enough comes from. Just because someone (mom, dad, sibling, teacher, etc.) said it, doesn’t make it true. People say things for all sorts of reasons - hostility, insensitivity, stupidity, etc. If you hold their opinions as truth, it can destroy your life.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t hide. </strong><span>In order to function in life, you have to put yourself out there. Even if you don’t feel very confident, decide that you’re going to do it anyway. Confidence comes through practice. Besides, you don’t know you’re bad at something until you try.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Value perseverance over success. </strong><span>So what if you failed? What matters is that you persevered. I would take perseverance over natural talent in anything because natural talent is just that, it’s </span><em>natural</em><span>. It doesn’t require much effort on top of that. However, in order to persevere, you have to expose and invest yourself.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Celebrate your victories. </strong><span>Instead of hating yourself for what you did wrong, appreciate what you did right. Look at your supposed failure and find some part of it that impressed you.</span></p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_092517.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2017-09-26T01:36:00ZWhat to Do When Your Child Is DisrespectfulStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-to-Do-When-Your-Child-Is-Disrespectful/758913899425780953.html2017-09-22T04:21:00Z2017-09-22T04:21:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-88753558-52ca-3d81-9c22-d260fd4226e9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da107c17-715b-f63a-f8e8-d1b6c895e46b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-60cd0509-76cb-7655-b005-6da6006abb76"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-49c811d0-87f2-5b1c-a010-9bbe4b300030"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cc01a10a-87fe-d9b3-d053-9d1743140501"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-b1727868-a2ac-6a05-cad7-fde3212685ae">
<p dir="ltr"><span>As a parent, you can count on your kids demonstrating disrespectful behavior from time to time. Kids push your buttons to find out what works, and if you don’t nip bad behavior in the bud, it will never stop. </span><span>Here’s how to cut disrespect off at the pass:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Get to the root of the problem. </strong><span>Just like adults, kids get out of sorts. They may simply be tired, hungry, or bored. They may not even know what they’re stressed about. Find out what’s going on. Say, </span><em>“Honey/sweetie, I know you’re upset and disappointed that I said no/asked you to do that, but your reaction seems pretty over-the-top. Is there something going on that I can help you with?” </em><span>Find out what’s precipitating this whole thing, and then talk through their options. Say something like, </span><em>“I know you’re feeling exasperated, but yelling, screaming, and being nasty to your family isn’t an option. So let’s work together to find another option.”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Ignore your child until he or she is behaving better. </strong><span>If you yell and act upset, then the focus is on </span><span>you </span><span>being a raging maniac. Tell your child, </span><em>“When you’ve calmed down, I’ll be in the other room,” </em><span>and then leave the room.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Model your expectations.</strong><span> If your kid sees Mommy and Daddy being snarky, mean, and irritated with each other, then your child is going to follow suit. You can’t expect your child to have a different set of rules than he or she sees. You have to watch your own mouth and attitude.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Give him or her a choice. </strong><span>Kids love to think they have power, so give them a choice. Eat the peas or the carrots. Mow the lawn or do the dishes. That way, instead of thinking about the thing you want them to do, you get them thinking about the thing </span><em>they</em><span> want</span><span> </span><span>to do.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Make sure consequences are clear and tightly associated with a particular action.</strong><span> Not putting toys away means they don’t get to play with them after their nap. Overdue books at the library means the money comes out of their allowance. Kids will test you until they know the limit. Make sure they understand what the limit is, and then follow through.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t ever engage in a debate</strong><span><strong>.</strong> Give your answer, and then look your child straight in the eye. Draw the line, and defend it quietly with a look.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Compliment good behavior. </strong>When you see your child controlling themselves, waiting their turn, or explaining their point of view without becoming unglued, compliment the heck out of them. Say, <em>“I am so impressed that you held it together and explained yourself. That was terrific.”</em> That kind of thing gets better results than yelling and screaming when they do something wrong.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_092117_1.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2017-09-22T04:21:00Z3 Ways to Be Less Jealous of Someone Else's SuccessStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/3-Ways-to-Be-Less-Jealous-of-Someone-Elses-Success/-470247521714229537.html2017-09-20T00:02:00Z2017-09-20T00:02:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-88753558-52ca-3d81-9c22-d260fd4226e9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da107c17-715b-f63a-f8e8-d1b6c895e46b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-60cd0509-76cb-7655-b005-6da6006abb76"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-49c811d0-87f2-5b1c-a010-9bbe4b300030"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cc01a10a-87fe-d9b3-d053-9d1743140501">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Jealousy is a normal human reaction. When you’re a little kid, you might be envious towards your sibling because you feel threatened by the loss of affection, attention, and approval. However, as you get older and more mature, you realize that someone else’s success has nothing to do with your value. You have to develop your own sense of value.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>If you tend to struggle with feelings of envy, here are 3 ways to be less jealous of others’ success:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Stop comparing yourself. </strong><span>Some people are going to be better at certain things than you, and others are not going to be as good. There’s nobody at the total top and nobody at the total bottom. If you spend your life comparing yourself to others, you’re going to be miserable, or snarky about people who you think are less than you, which is terrible behavior.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Admire their success and learn something from it. </strong><span>I really enjoy the show </span><em>American Ninja Warrior</em><span> because everybody is pulling for everybody else. When a contestant fails to complete an obstacle and falls into the water, their competitors actually look pained. Revel and rejoice in the successes of people who have worked hard to earn something. Make yourself better by their example. And if you haven’t paid the price, don’t envy someone who has. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Compliment the person you’re feeling jealous towards.</strong><span> If you have a miscarriage and your friend gets pregnant, don’t cut them off out of spite. Extend yourself. Compliment the baby. Ask if they need help.</span></p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_091917.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2017-09-20T00:02:00ZHow to Rebuild Your Life After You've Left an AbuserStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Rebuild-Your-Life-After-Youve-Left-an-Abuser/-202392379779100187.html2017-09-18T23:48:00Z2017-09-18T23:48:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-88753558-52ca-3d81-9c22-d260fd4226e9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da107c17-715b-f63a-f8e8-d1b6c895e46b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-60cd0509-76cb-7655-b005-6da6006abb76"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-49c811d0-87f2-5b1c-a010-9bbe4b300030">
<p dir="ltr"><span>There is no simple formula for rebuilding your life after you’ve found the courage to leave a psychologically and/or physically abusive person. Everyone deals with his or her different experiences in various ways. However, there are some universal tools that can get you going in the right direction. Here are my tips for rebuilding your life after you’ve left an abuser:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Say it out loud.</strong><span> You have to be willing to say, </span><em>“I chose this guy/girl. I stayed because I was too afraid to do anything else, I didn’t want to be alone, and/or I didn’t think enough of myself.</em><span><em>”</em> You need to be truthful with yourself.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Cry it out.</strong><span> You don’t need to throw a pity party, but you have to deal with all of your built-up emotions. The best way to let them out is to get involved in group therapy with other people who have had similar histories. They’ll be understanding, provide support, and have arrived at different levels of dealing with their abuse. The most important thing is that you can help each other. There’s something very good about helping somebody else when you’ve run into a wall. You can help that person avoid the wall or deal with the realities of that wall. You can be helpful even if you’re only at the beginning of dealing with things yourself. Simply turning to someone and saying, </span><em>“I know how that feels,”</em><span> makes that person feel less alone.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Work on yourself. </strong><span>The last thing you want to do is find another relationship. You have a lot of work to do to unscramble your brain. You need to get to the place where you understand that nobody deserves abuse. Even if you think you’re dumb, fat, ugly, or unlovable (or some combination), nothing qualifies you to be a victim of abuse.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Build your personal strength. </strong><span>No matter what you think of yourself, your willingness to tolerate abuse has probably impacted other people (your family, your kids, etc.). You have a moral obligation to those people to pull your act together. You have got to take the time to do that and get the help you need.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t engage in negative self-talk. </strong><span>You’re not an idiot or a loser. You’re simply a person who gave up on him/herself.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Believe that you can still do it.</strong> Yes, it’s true that you’re going to feel behind in life. But that doesn’t mean you can’t catch up. Take the leap of faith and trust yourself enough to know that even though you’ve done something stupid or weak, you have what it takes to turn it around.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_091817.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2017-09-18T23:48:00ZThe Difference Between Forgiveness and Letting GoStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Difference-Between-Forgiveness-and-Letting-Go/-729351851038100489.html2017-09-12T15:52:00Z2017-09-12T15:52:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-88753558-52ca-3d81-9c22-d260fd4226e9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da107c17-715b-f63a-f8e8-d1b6c895e46b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-60cd0509-76cb-7655-b005-6da6006abb76">
<p dir="ltr"><span>There’s a lot of confusion regarding forgiveness and letting go. I think certain things are unforgivable. For example, molesting a child or continuously betraying someone’s trust are, in my book, unforgivable. Many people will get on their high horses and say,</span><em> “You have to be open, receptive, compassionate, and let go of past hurts.”</em><span> No, you don’t! There are times when it’s perfectly healthy to make an appraisal of a person in your life and decide that you’re not going to stay in contact.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Someone only deserves forgiveness if he/she has demonstrated the 4 R’s. This means that he/she:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Takes </span><strong>responsibility </strong><span>for what he/she has done. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Shows true </span><strong>remorse</strong><span>. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Does something to </span><strong>repair</strong><span> it.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Does not </span><strong>repeat </strong><span>it.</span></p>
</li>
</ol><span>If someone fails to follow through on any one of these, you should not forgive that person. Now, just because you don’t forgive someone doesn’t mean you should spend every day frothing about him or her. Instead, you need to let go. Assess the situation, put a label on it, and then drop it. Will you forget everything? No. Will it never bother you again? No. It’s always going to bother you, but when it raises its ugly head, you can put it in its place.</span><span> </span>Remember,<strong> a bird can land on your head, but it’s up to you to not let it build a nest.</strong></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_091217_2.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2017-09-12T15:52:00Z6 Tips for Coping with a Loved One's Serious IllnessStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Tips-for-Coping-with-a-Loved-Ones-Serious-Illness/191722900832852391.html2017-09-11T14:33:00Z2017-09-11T14:33:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-88753558-52ca-3d81-9c22-d260fd4226e9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da107c17-715b-f63a-f8e8-d1b6c895e46b">
<p dir="ltr"><span>When a family member or friend becomes seriously ill, there can be a sense of chaos, urgency, and confusion. Different people respond in different ways, and you may not know what to say or do. Here are 6 tips for coping with a loved one’s serious illness:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Treat them as normally as possible. </strong><span>After the initial shock of the diagnosis has subsided, many people will want you to treat them the same way you always have. Otherwise, they feel like they’re already dead.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be there.</strong><span> The best way to be there for someone is to do just that - </span><em>be there</em><span>. Give hugs and act lovingly.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t try to be their therapist. </strong><span>Dying isn’t a science. Don’t assume that someone who is terminally ill is going through certain stages or some other methodical process. The hope is that they come to some point of acceptance so they’re not emotionally suffering, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes denial is a good thing. They may be afraid of the pain or losing control of their mind and/or bodily functions. They may hate being a burden on others. There simply is no right or wrong way to deal with it.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Find a minister or counselor. </strong><span>Sometimes it’s easier for them to talk to non-family members.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Talk about their life with them. </strong><span>Listening to stories and sharing laughs about someone’s life often makes that person recognize that he/she has had a rich life.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Express the truth about how you feel. </strong><span>When you’re losing someone you love, grief is a very natural response, and it’s extremely overwhelming. You may feel inappropriate guilt about not doing or saying the right thing. You need to find someone to talk to that really hears you. </span></p>
</li>
</ol></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_091117.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2017-09-11T14:33:00Z9 Things You Should Do After a BreakupStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/9-Things-You-Should-Do-After-a-Breakup/-601490524393237876.html2017-09-05T16:05:00Z2017-09-05T16:05:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-88753558-52ca-3d81-9c22-d260fd4226e9">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Somebody dumped you. It happens. You’ve dumped people, and others have dumped you. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad, unworthy, or unlovable person. It just means that, to that person, you weren’t a match.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>So, instead of agonizing and beating yourself up, here are 9 things you should do after a breakup:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Cry your eyes out. </strong><span>You’re going to feel depressed, angry, frustrated, and hurt. Take a few days to decompress. Suffer, cry, whine, and moan. Get all that angst out of your system. Treat yourself well. You might need to take a few days off work or school because you’re not going to function properly.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Turn off your phone and computer.</strong><span> The last thing you need to do is make a stupid call or do something foolish on the Internet out of hurt and anger.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Change your routine</strong><span><strong>.</strong> Make sure you don’t run into them.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do some self-discovery. </strong><span>Take a long, hard look inside yourself. Was this even a good relationship for you? Did you behave appropriately? What you learn about yourself will make you a better person and a better match for someone else down the line.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Reconnect with friends.</strong><span> In many relationships, people make the mistake of ignoring friends, only calling them when there’s a problem. If you’ve been a sucky friend and let friendships go by the wayside, it’s time to apologize and reconnect.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Talk it out. </strong><span>Whether it’s a parent, sibling, or close friend, find someone who is willing to listen.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do something you’ve always wanted to do. </strong><span>Relationships sometimes make us put off dreams, goals, and intents to learn something or go somewhere. Think of all those plans - it’s time to make them happen. Travel far or near. Take up art. Volunteer. Trying something you’ve always wanted to do is a great distraction.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Start doing things alone</strong><span><strong>.</strong> Shop, see a movie, or go to a concert. Learn that you can survive alone. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t date again too quickly. </strong><span>Meet new people, but don’t be stuck in the longing for a relationship that you just jump and rebound.</span></p>
</li>
</ol>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Breaking up is tough. Everybody does it a little differently and at their own speed. However, in the long run, it will be good for you.</span></p>
</span></span><ol> </ol>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_090517.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2017-09-05T16:05:00ZWhy You're Feeling Lonely in Your MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Youre-Feeling-Lonely-in-Your-Marriage/-664100145982979009.html2017-08-29T05:46:00Z2017-08-29T05:46:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-284762b8-2c86-dcc2-8039-4328261f5885">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Every now and then, a friend invites me to go to church. The last time I went, the pastor said, </span><em>“Raise your hand if you feel lonely in your marriage”</em><span>. Most of the hands in the room went up. I looked around feeling a bit stunned. It took me by surprise that so many people felt lonely in their marriages and that so many would admit it publicly.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Being lonely in a marriage is really grim - sleeping in the same bed as your spouse feeling lonely, sitting at the dinner table feeling lonely, etc. It’s not about the physical connection (although that’s important). It’s really about the emotional connection.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>A lot of people call my show and use, </span><em>“We grew apart,”</em><span> as an explanation for their divorce. However, what they don’t acknowledge is how they were part of their own problem. You see, people don’t simply grow apart - we let go.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Many of you don’t make enough of an effort. You spend your time talking about the bills, the plumbing, the car, and all the other mundane stuff. That’s not emotionally connecting. You need to listen to each other, relate to each other, and be compassionate, playful, and thoughtful.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>In my book, </span><em>The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage</em><span>, I make a big deal about this, writing, </span><em>“When you wake up in the morning, look at your spouse and think, ‘What can I do to make them happy that they are alive and married to me?’”</em><span> Most couples do just the opposite. They wake up, don’t look at each other, and are upset by what they didn’t receive.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>So, if you are experiencing loneliness in your marriage, is there a way out? Yes - but only if you do these 3 things:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t have a discussion about it! </strong><span>I know 99.9% of therapists would want you to talk about how miserable you and your spouse feel and what you each aren’t doing. I think that’s why most marital therapy ends up in divorce. Instead, you need to make the first move. Don’t think that you know how they’ll respond or how it won’t change anything. You aren’t psychic. Just take the first step. Do small things, like making two cups of coffee and handing one to your spouse. Push a curl of hair behind their ear, kiss them on the cheek, and hold hands as you walk through the store. Will these small things make a difference in 20 microseconds? No, but when you were dating, all these things built up to you feeling like you could not live without him or her. So you need to be as patient now as you were then.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Stop bringing up old hurts. </strong><span>Bringing up the past is poisonous and destructive to a relationship. If you’re going to feed those old hurts, you better pack your bags and kiss the relationship goodbye. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Spend time together.</strong><span> When she’s cutting the veggies for the chicken soup, ask which ones she hasn’t cut yet and join in to help. If he’s changing the oil in your car or fixing your child’s bike, bring him a beer and sit with him. </span><strong>Find ways to connect, not by demanding that they do your thing, but by volunteering to do theirs.</strong></p>
</li>
</ol><strong>Ask not what your husband/wife can do for you, ask what you can do for him/her.</strong></span></span><ol> </ol>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_082917.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2017-08-29T05:46:00Z6 Relationship Red FlagsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Relationship-Red-Flags/122710695795727069.html2017-08-28T15:28:00Z2017-08-28T15:28:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-4b468b7c-2976-5ee8-84ee-90ba3a74334f">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Relationship red flags are usually obvious, but many women ignore them because they want to avoid the pain of a broken heart. They think to themselves:</span></p>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>“Maybe this is just happening this one time.”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>“Maybe this is just a quirk.”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>“He is a nice guy. I should just let this slide - it will get better.”</em></p>
</li>
</ul>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Stop being so foolish and living in denial because you are the one who ultimately pays the price (or if you get pregnant, an innocent kid is the one who pays the price).</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here is my list of red flags that if you see, you should immediately jump ship.</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He lies. </strong><span>It doesn’t matter what he lies about. One lie, that’s it - hit the eject button.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He doesn’t respect your wishes. </strong><span>You could say, </span><em>“I don’t want that picture on Facebook,”</em><span> and he puts it up anyway, or, </span><em>“I’m really upset that you shared this information with your buddies,”</em><span> and he continues to do so. If he keeps pushing you for anything you aren’t comfortable with, he’s gone.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He starts fights. </strong><span>Whether he picks fights with you or anyone else, it’s a bad sign that he’s constantly agitated or annoyed.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Your family and friends don’t like him. </strong><span>If your parents and close friends agree that something isn’t kosher, it probably isn’t.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He is too busy for you. </strong><span>If he is too busy for you, he probably has another girlfriend, or he doesn’t see you as important enough to take time out of his busy life. In this age of technology, it takes 2 seconds to text, and if you aren’t worth that, you aren’t worth anything to him.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He makes you feel bad. </strong>If you feel bad after interacting with him, something is seriously wrong. Courtship is not supposed to be misery.</p>
</li>
</ol></span><ol> </ol>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_082817.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2017-08-28T15:28:00Z5 Tips for Raising Successful KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Tips-for-Raising-Successful-Kids/-996754452131301490.html2017-08-24T09:02:00Z2017-08-24T09:02:00Z<p dir="ltr">Raising your child to be successful has nothing to do with trying to turn him or her into a little CEO. That’s not how you measure success. Most of the people who I consider successful are humble people happy with doing humble things. That is success. Too many parents push the hell out of their children with music, sports, and other activities to the point where the poor kids’ heads are spinning. There’s no room to breathe.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Here are my tips for raising successful kids:</p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p><strong>Give them something to look up to.</strong> In order for kids to feel inspired, you need to find ways to inspire them. Bring meaning to the lives of others and serve with joy. If you do that, your kids will mimic it in their own form. There is no greater success than having a sense of purpose.</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p><strong>Let them pursue their passion. </strong>Just because something is your dream, doesn’t mean it’s your child’s.</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p><strong>Be satisfied with their best. </strong>No one is perfect, including you.</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p><strong>Be supportive. </strong>Help your kids feel competent and optimistic about making their own decisions. Be supportive when they fail so they learn that failure is simply a part of success.</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr"> <strong>Teach them to be happy with small motions.</strong> Being happy with small motions means the pleasure of feeling every part of what you’re doing. You could be winning awards and making lots of money, but if you’re not happy with small motions, you’re still failing.</li>
</ol>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
<div><img src="/images/blog/blog_082417.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></div>Staff2017-08-24T09:02:00Z7 Ways to Avoid Awkward Tension After an ArgumentStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/7-Ways-to-Avoid-Awkward-Tension-After-an-Argument/-691368221270790986.html2017-08-22T08:38:00Z2017-08-22T08:38:00Z<p dir="ltr"><span>Most fights between couples are over nonsense and should be avoided in the first place. You wouldn’t dream of having that fight with a police officer, your grandma, or a nun. You use common sense in those situations, and you need to use that same common sense with your spouse:</span></p>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>Don’t raise your voice.</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>Try to stay calm.</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>Take a deep breath.</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>Take a lap around the house.</em></p>
</li>
</ul>
<p dir="ltr"><span>However, if you do get into a fight, here’s how to avoid the awkward tension afterwards:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Let go of your need to win. </strong><span>Most of the time, you have rough hours or days after an argument because you don’t know how to let it go. Your ego requires you to come out on top. But in an argument, typically the person who comes out on top is the person responsible for the destruction of the relationship. So if you win, you also lose.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>When it’s over, let it be over.</strong><span> Acknowledge that what you fought about was dumb and apologize.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t overanalyze.</strong><span> Some things don’t need to be analyzed 50 ways from Sunday. They just need to be let go.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Touch. </strong><span>Frankly, the best thing to do after an intense moment is to hug, hold hands, and give each other a kiss. You need to reconnect, and the best way to reconnect is through physical contact. It’s a great way to dispel tension.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Admit you were wrong.</strong><span> You had to be wrong in some part of it, so just fess up to it. Tell your spouse that you were wrong and that you apologize. Don’t use the word “sorry” - the word “apologize” is more potent.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t let silences and bad vibes linger. </strong><span>If you are going to play that game, you may as well pack your bags and leave.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Ask the other person how they are feeling. </strong>It shows that you care, which is very, very important. </p>
</li>
</ol>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_082217.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>Staff2017-08-22T08:38:00Z5 Habits of Happy CouplesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Habits-of-Happy-Couples/303321741637808530.html2017-08-21T07:01:00Z2017-08-21T07:01:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3be9b8d8-511a-8f50-058d-161e0e95c843"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a61738d-561b-50ce-cdd2-9bf96ca6fe14"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7c4c055e-6077-9844-558d-d657b63f895f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2503165a-752c-8046-109f-48c89ef4f75f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-970ca399-9e04-7939-ecf9-b23dbfa75d77"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5cb22f96-bd2e-cfba-98a7-18e448ed7e33"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2af40836-c23f-2c40-8eb8-aeff947785f3"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6f0cab3a-e633-677d-8288-39bc09520a7d"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-df405476-00f0-6989-11e0-377ac978096c">
<div><span id="docs-internal-guid-df405476-00f0-a9a0-02f3-c96eee74566a"><span>Relationships, like anything else we want to last, require daily maintenance. Here are 5 habits of happy couples:</span></span></div>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You do things for each other. </strong><span>You and your spouse trade off cooking, taking the kids out, walking the dog, etc. You do things for each other to help lighten each other’s load.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You put the electronics away. </strong><span>Eye contact increases intimacy and makes people feel more bonded.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You have rituals. </strong><span>Rituals are very important in every aspect of life. When you get up in the morning, kiss each other, even if both of you have morning breath. Every time you come home or come back together, hug.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You compliment each other. </strong><span>Compliments should outnumber criticisms 5 to 1. So, for every criticism you level at your spouse, you need five compliments that are sincere. If you aren’t going to compliment, don’t you dare criticize because all you are doing is poisoning the water. You need to show your appreciation for one another.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You look at each other and smile.</strong> Having someone look at you and smile is one of the most fabulous feelings in the world.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
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</span>Staff2017-08-21T07:01:00Z3 Ways to Raise a Compassionate ChildStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/3-Ways-to-Raise-a-Compassionate-Child/330126303363771469.html2017-08-15T14:01:00Z2017-08-15T14:01:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3be9b8d8-511a-8f50-058d-161e0e95c843"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a61738d-561b-50ce-cdd2-9bf96ca6fe14"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7c4c055e-6077-9844-558d-d657b63f895f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2503165a-752c-8046-109f-48c89ef4f75f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-970ca399-9e04-7939-ecf9-b23dbfa75d77"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5cb22f96-bd2e-cfba-98a7-18e448ed7e33"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2af40836-c23f-2c40-8eb8-aeff947785f3"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6f0cab3a-e633-677d-8288-39bc09520a7d">
<p dir="ltr"><span>It’s a tough, uncompassionate world out there. Why? Because empathy and compassion do not come naturally to humans. We have to be taught to put ourselves in other people’s shoes and to see the world from someone else’s eyes.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are 3 ways to raise a compassionate child:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Encourage your child to think about what others are feeling.</strong><span> When your son or daughter tells you a story about another kid at school, ask them, “How do you think he/she felt about that?” Imagining other people’s feelings is not instinctive for young children, and as parents, we need to encourage it.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>When you catch your child showing kindness or compassion, point it out. </strong><span>A lot of you spend way too much time telling your kids how smart, popular, and good looking they are instead of how </span><span>good </span><span>they are. When you see your child being caring, you need to tell them how touched, impressed, and proud you are.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Find books and movies where compassion is the plot. </strong><span>There are some unbelievable stories out there of people doing wonderful things, even though it could cost them. That’s the key part - “even though it could cost them”. You see, a hero is not someone who bats a thousand. A hero is somebody who puts themselves on the line for someone else. That’s why we call soldiers, firefighters, and police officers heroes; they put themselves in harm’s way for someone else. Make sure your kids are absolutely clear on what a hero really is. </span></p>
</li>
</ol>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Last week, I put the question to my Facebook followers: </span><strong>“How did your parents teach you compassion?”</strong><span> Here are some of their responses:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Laurie: </span><em>“My mom was a great role model of showing compassion. She gave us the ability to put ourselves in other people’s shoes and painted for us a mental picture of what might be going on with someone struggling with something. I was always an emotional person, so I took everything she said to heart.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Barbara: </span><em>“I don’t know how they taught me, except for their daily lives. Too many examples to even document. They did something right because the four of us daughters became people of service - a missionary, social worker, child placement officer, and a nurse.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Karen: </span><em>“In a small town in the early 60s, men who were considered hobos, who rode the trains, would sometimes find their way to our backdoor looking for food. My mother would always make them sit on the back porch, not in the house. But she would always fix a sandwich or a meal for them. Once I was watching one who was sitting on the stairs facing away from our house eating hungrily. Mom made me come away from the door to give him privacy. She stated that he had a hard life and it was difficult for him to ask for food and that we should be compassionate and not stare at him while he ate. A lesson in compassion well learned.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Laurie: </span><em>“My earliest memory was when I was in 6th grade and the little girl across the street had a father-daughter dance, and she couldn’t go because she didn’t have a nice dress. My parents went out and bought her a full outfit. The night of her dance, her dad didn’t bother to come home. So my dad took her. My parents always did for others. I have that habit, and so do my kids who are all young adults.”</em></p>
<span>Nina:</span><em> “My mother only taught me to be selfish. I never wanted anyone to see how I felt, so I used her example as the opposite of what to do.”</em></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
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</span>Staff2017-08-15T14:01:00Z5 Things You Should Stop Expecting from OthersStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Things-You-Should-Stop-Expecting-from-Others/-189546519610545617.html2017-08-08T14:29:00Z2017-08-08T14:29:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3be9b8d8-511a-8f50-058d-161e0e95c843"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a61738d-561b-50ce-cdd2-9bf96ca6fe14"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7c4c055e-6077-9844-558d-d657b63f895f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2503165a-752c-8046-109f-48c89ef4f75f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-970ca399-9e04-7939-ecf9-b23dbfa75d77"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5cb22f96-bd2e-cfba-98a7-18e448ed7e33"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2af40836-c23f-2c40-8eb8-aeff947785f3">
<p dir="ltr"><span>We all have expectations of others which may or may not be fair or realistic. I remember when I was a kid, my mother would tell me stories about growing up in Italy. Her mother died when she was 15, and it felt like her entire world was destroyed. She told me that she looked out the window of their home and saw people walking around in the streets talking, laughing, and going to work. She remembered thinking in that moment, </span><em>“How can they all be OK? My mother just died.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>That’s one of the problems we have with our expectations of other people. Everyone has their own lives, and we are very fortunate when they sacrifice some of their time and space for us. Of course, there are some basic things you should expect in any relationship, such as honesty and compassion. But counting on people to fill a void (such as one left by a parent) will only lead to a lot of unnecessary suffering. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are 5 things you should stop expecting from others:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Being perfect. </strong><span>No one is going to be perfect or always do the right thing. If that’s your expectation, you will always be disappointed. Instead of expecting perfection, you should expect quality of character. Is this person generally giving, loving, and kind?</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Agreeing with everything you say. </strong><span>You can have strong thoughts, feelings, and opinions and still have a relationship with someone whose views differ.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Taking care of you.</strong><span> It is certainly a requirement of any friendship that you take care of each other in times of need, loss, pain, or disaster. But everybody has their limits and their own lives. Sometimes it’s good to say,</span><em> “I’m concerned that I’m becoming a burden. If you need me to back off and toughen up a bit, let me know.” </em><span>It’s all about communication.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Acting the same way you would. </strong><span>Just because you treat people a certain way doesn’t mean you can expect them to treat you that way. Everybody isn’t like you. You have to be flexible.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Investing a lot in you when you don’t invest in yourself.</strong><span> At some point, you are going to realize that God helps those who help themselves. People recognize that they are wasting their time being helpful and supportive if you’re not putting in the effort.</span></p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
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</span>Staff2017-08-08T14:29:00Z6 Things Parents Need to Do in Front of Their Kids to Teach Them About LoveStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Things-Parents-Need-to-Do-in-Front-of-Their-Kids-to-Teach-Them-About-Love/-904718284645248924.html2017-08-07T14:53:00Z2017-08-07T14:53:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3be9b8d8-511a-8f50-058d-161e0e95c843"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a61738d-561b-50ce-cdd2-9bf96ca6fe14"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7c4c055e-6077-9844-558d-d657b63f895f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2503165a-752c-8046-109f-48c89ef4f75f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-970ca399-9e04-7939-ecf9-b23dbfa75d77"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5cb22f96-bd2e-cfba-98a7-18e448ed7e33">
<p dir="ltr"><span>If kids know how to give and receive love, they will do well in life no matter their IQ or socioeconomic standing. Here are 6 things you and your spouse need to do in front of your children to teach them about love:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Touch, hug, and kiss each other. </strong><span>Kids feel secure when their parents show affection.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Laugh.</strong><span> Not only does seeing Mommy and Daddy laughing make a child’s heart swell, but it also shows him or her that some things simply need to be laughed off.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do nice things for each other. </strong><span>By doing sweet things for each other, you teach your kids that love is a verb. You demonstrate that love means caring, nurturing, and doing special things for another person.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Schedule time without the kids.</strong><span> Make it clear that unless there’s an emergency, after a certain time every night, your kids are</span><span> not </span><span>to come in to your bedroom. Go on weekly dates. Get dressed up and go out. Your kids need to see what romance looks like.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Comfort each other when times get tough. </strong><span>Physical affection during difficult times is important to your marriage as well as for your kids to see that it’s a part of love.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Work on projects together. </strong><span>By watching you work together as a team, your kids see that love is about “we”, not all about “me".</span></p>
</li>
</ol></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
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</span>Staff2017-08-07T14:53:00Z5 Truths Most People Are Too Scared or Stubborn to AdmitStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Truths-Most-People-Are-Too-Scared-or-Stubborn-to-Admit/257551618761048304.html2017-08-01T13:40:00Z2017-08-01T13:40:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3be9b8d8-511a-8f50-058d-161e0e95c843"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a61738d-561b-50ce-cdd2-9bf96ca6fe14"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7c4c055e-6077-9844-558d-d657b63f895f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2503165a-752c-8046-109f-48c89ef4f75f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-970ca399-9e04-7939-ecf9-b23dbfa75d77">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Life’s truths can be tough to embrace. However, these truths still exist whether you choose to accept them or not. Here are 5 truths most people are too scared or stubborn to admit to themselves.</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span><strong>You have more control over your inner world than you know or want to believe</strong>. </span><span>We often get it into our minds that in order to be happy, first certain things have to fall into place. We wish we had different relationships, better health, or more exciting opportunities. We all would love to just be scooped up, dusted off, patted on the head, and hugged when we want things to be made better. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. We have to close the gap between what we wish existed and what actually exists.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You don’t have to be who other people want you to be. </strong><span>It’s natural to want to be liked, but when you don’t stand up, speak out, and take positions, you’re being inauthentic. If you’re inauthentic to yourself, you’ll be easily confused about where you fit in and insecure about your own meaning and value.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Your perceptions from childhood last a lot longer than you think. </strong><span>There are many buried thoughts you get from childhood that are self-limiting because you inherently take them as true. You just believe them, but you never test them.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>There’s a price for everything. </strong><span>If you’re not willing to pay it, you won’t get it. Sit down and think to yourself, “I want this goal. What do I have to sacrifice to get it?” Set up a hierarchy of what’s valuable in your life. What are you going to sacrifice that’s less valuable to you to get what you value more?</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Your passion requires your participation. </strong><span>Your passion is not something you “find”, like a sock in your dresser drawer. You develop passion when you commit yourself to it full boar.</span></p>
</li>
</ol></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
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</span>Staff2017-08-01T13:40:00Z6 Things Your Children Wish You Would Say to ThemStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Things-Your-Children-Wish-You-Would-Say-to-Them/618446392464731337.html2017-07-31T14:26:00Z2017-07-31T14:26:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3be9b8d8-511a-8f50-058d-161e0e95c843"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a61738d-561b-50ce-cdd2-9bf96ca6fe14"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7c4c055e-6077-9844-558d-d657b63f895f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2503165a-752c-8046-109f-48c89ef4f75f">
<p dir="ltr">As parents, we tend to forget how we felt and thought when we were little kids. So, here’s a reminder. Here are 6 things kids need to hear so they can feel happy, secure, hopeful about life, and close to you:<br /><br /><strong>1. “I’m Sorry.” </strong>When you mess up, overreact, or make mistakes, you need to be able to say sorry. For example:</p>
<ul style="list-style-type: circle;">
<li><em>“I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you all the way out.” </em></li>
<li><em>“I’m sorry I didn’t seem more understanding.”</em></li>
<li><em>“I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.” </em></li>
</ul>
<p dir="ltr">Children learn from your example. What better way for them to learn about responsibility than by seeing you own your mistakes? <br /><br /><strong>2. “Let’s Go Out.”</strong> Have you ever noticed how happy and excited your kids get when you say,<em> “Let’s go do something together”</em>? Going out to play, hike, visit a museum, or simply throw a ball around shows that you are interested and care about them. <br /><br /><strong>3. “Mistakes Happen.” </strong>One time when my son, Deryk, was little, our family was walking on the boardwalk near the ocean, and my husband bought cold drinks for the three of us. Because it was a hot day, the condensation on the outside of the plastic made the cups very slippery. So of course within 10 seconds, Deryk had dropped his drink on the ground. My husband said, <em>“That’s it - we’re not getting you another one. You should have taken care of it.” </em>I replied, <em>“Slow down - he is only 6 years old. If I had accidentally dropped it, you would have gotten me another one, wouldn’t you?”</em> My husband quickly realized that he had overreacted. We all cleaned up the ice cubes so nobody would slip on them, and then he told Deryk, <em>“Let’s get you another one, but this time we’ll wrap it up with napkins so it won’t be so slippery.”</em><br /><br />As parents, it’s easy to overreact, but you can’t be upset with a child over something that is simply an accident. <br /><br /><strong>4. “Your Feelings Are Valid.”</strong> Validating your child’s feelings is probably the most important way to make him or her feel loved. When I was about 10, some kids from school were making fun of me because my mother was an immigrant. So as any good kid would do, I fought for my mother’s honor. I must have looked like a windmill because I did not know how to fight. I got thrown off the bus, and the kids who were making fun of me got to ride home. So I had to walk. When I got home, I told my mother what had transpired. From my vantage point, what she should have said was, <em>“Come here. Let me give you a big hug. I am very touched that you would defend your mom. That was very sweet, and I love you for it.”</em> Instead, I got, <em>“I don’t care what other people say - it doesn’t matter to me at all,”</em> and then she walked out of the room. To me, she was essentially saying, <em>“What you do doesn’t matter.” </em><br /><br />I’m not saying that she should have said getting into a fight was the right thing to do (after <em>“that was sweet and I love you”</em>, we should have gotten to the “sticks and stones” talk and how to handle the situation better in the future). However, as parents, you have to validate your kid’s feelings before you try to fix or dismiss a problem. <br /><br /><strong>5. “I’m Proud of You.” </strong>You need to compliment your child on their kindness, their willingness to help others, and the effort they put into something. Say,<em> “I’m proud of you for sharing your toys,”</em> or, <em>“I was really proud of you for helping your brother/sister with their homework.”</em> It tells your child that you notice what they are doing. <br /><br /><strong>6. “I Love You.”</strong> Kids can never hear this enough. <em><strong><br /><br />Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
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</span>Staff2017-07-31T14:26:00Z5 Signs He Isn't Going to Marry YouStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Signs-He-Isnt-Going-to-Marry-You/673956439182854541.html2017-07-24T15:16:00Z2017-07-24T15:16:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3be9b8d8-511a-8f50-058d-161e0e95c843"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a61738d-561b-50ce-cdd2-9bf96ca6fe14"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7c4c055e-6077-9844-558d-d657b63f895f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2503165a-752c-8046-109f-48c89ef4f75f">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Feeling lovey-dovey and horny is not the same thing as commitment. Here are 5 signs that the guy you’re dating has no intention of marrying you:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He never mentions marriage. </strong><span>If he doesn’t want to talk about sharing a future with you, he doesn’t want to marry you. When a man wants to get married and start a family, he gets down on one knee and gives you a ring. Humping you isn’t a commitment, promise, or vow. It’s not a message that he wishes to be a daddy. It just means that he wants a warm place to put it. You can try to leverage him by threatening to walk away, but a person who has to be manipulated into marriage, doesn’t really want to marry you. All you’re doing is rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic - statistically, it’s still going to sink.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He’s hot and horny one minute, and ice-cold the next. </strong><span>If he loves you, he will act like it.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He’s not open and honest. </strong><span>Being authentic takes courage, but it needs to be part of every relationship.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He wants entirely different things from you</strong><span><strong>.</strong> You’re into family, and he never wants to see his or yours. You want pets or kids, and he doesn’t. Rather than trying to force a square peg into a round hole, find someone who is more compatible.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He is your project or challenge.</strong> You’re not going to change him, no matter how much sex or love you invest. Your love is not enough.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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</span>Staff2017-07-24T15:16:00ZWhat to Do When You Feel Like You're Drowning as a ParentStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-to-Do-When-You-Feel-Like-Youre-Drowning-as-a-Parent/-42033964000817300.html2017-07-20T14:47:00Z2017-07-20T14:47:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3be9b8d8-511a-8f50-058d-161e0e95c843"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a61738d-561b-50ce-cdd2-9bf96ca6fe14"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7c4c055e-6077-9844-558d-d657b63f895f">
<p dir="ltr"><span>When you’re a parent, sometimes it takes everything you have just to keep your head above water. You may not know what your child wants, thinks, or feels at any given moment. You try to look in a book or call someone, but everyone has a different opinion. And if your kid isn’t doing exactly what you read or heard, you might think you suck as a parent.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here’s what to do when you’re feeling overwhelmed as a parent:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Cut yourself some slack. </strong><span>When my kid (now 31) was little, he wasn’t talking as early as the books say kids are supposed to talk. People would often comment about it. Then one day, he started talking in complete sentences. I just stared at him like a demon had possessed his body. Kids do their own thing in their own weird time. Stop being so tough on yourself, and instead, be proud that you’re raising, influencing, and loving your child.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Talk to yourself using positive language.</strong><span> Your child is not going to be perfect all of the time. When you feel like nothing is going right, repeat after me: </span></p>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>“I love my kid.”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>“I’m doing my best.”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>“I’m here when he/she needs me.”</em></p>
</li>
</ul>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Take others’ comments with a grain of salt. </strong>You know how when you’re pregnant, everyone has a horror story to tell you about being pregnant? You have got to avoid listening to all the nonsense that gets thrown at you. Everyone has a different opinion or agenda. If you want advice, ask for input from people who have done a reasonably good job.</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t make everything a catastrophe. </strong><span>All kids go through phases of being jealous, mean, bad, lazy, or annoying. You did too. That doesn’t mean your child is going to grow up to be a sociopath.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>If they’re not going to die or get seriously hurt from it, let them do it. </strong><span>Back when I was doing a lot of sewing, my son decided he was going to play with the pins. I was about to say something, but instead, I just watched. He started to play with the pins, got stuck with one, and then yelled, “Ow!”. He quickly realized that he shouldn’t be playing with pins. I didn’t have to scream or slap his hand, which only would have made getting into the pins much more exciting.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Learn to control your anger.</strong><span> Many parents get angry when their little kids spill something. Why? It’s not like they sat there and thought, </span><em>“Gee, I’m going to spill this on purpose.” </em><span>They don’t think about it because their brains aren’t even formed until 5 or 6. They are exploring the world and being scientific.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Find the humor in parenting. </strong>Laugh more about the kinds of things your kids do. You do that by having realistic expectations. </p>
</li>
</ol></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
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</span>Staff2017-07-20T14:47:00Z5 Tips to Deal with Your Need to Be PerfectStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Tips-to-Deal-with-Your-Need-to-Be-Perfect/293966428588105648.html2017-07-18T14:30:00Z2017-07-18T14:30:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3be9b8d8-511a-8f50-058d-161e0e95c843"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a61738d-561b-50ce-cdd2-9bf96ca6fe14">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Many people think that perfectionism is a wonderful thing. It isn’t. Perfectionism has nothing to do with being committed, working hard, or trying your best. It’s about insecurity and fear of disapproval, and has no end except to justify itself.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are 5 tips to deal with your need to be perfect:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Change how you think.</strong><span> Changing how you think isn’t easy, but you have to get out of the mode of believing that you’re less than because you can’t make something perfect.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Stop comparing yourself to others. </strong><span>Everyone has different circumstances. That’s why comparing yourself to others isn’t fair.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Look at the big picture. </strong><span>Is the house not being completely neat really the end of the world?</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Make realistic goals. </strong><span>If you want to lose weight or learn a new skill, you’re not going to do it in a day. It’s a process and an imperfect one at that. You have to learn how to enjoy the process.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Understand why you’re loved. </strong>Many people think they get love and acceptance if they’re perfect. However, that’s simply not the case.<strong> You are not loved because you are perfect. You are loved because you are loving.</strong></p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-07-18T14:30:00Z5 Behaviors You Should Never Tolerate in a RelationshipStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Behaviors-You-Should-Never-Tolerate-in-a-Relationship/323038854040923108.html2017-07-17T15:11:00Z2017-07-17T15:11:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3be9b8d8-511a-8f50-058d-161e0e95c843">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Many people stay in relationships that they know are bad for them because they are desperate, lonely, or scared. However, red flags only get worse, not better, over time. Here are 5 behaviors that you should never tolerate in a relationship:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Cheating.</strong><span> If you’re not typically a neurotic, paranoid, or hypersensitive person and you suspect your boyfriend or girlfriend is cheating, you’re probably right. If they change their appearance, guard their cell phone, or disappear for hours at a time and then give you crap for wanting to know where they’ve been, trust your instincts. Not only are they willing to hurt your feelings, but they’re also willing to put your life at risk by possibly exposing you to HIV or HPV.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Lying. </strong><span>We all fib from time to time, but if there’s a pattern of lying, dump them. Keeping secrets hurts relationships, no matter what the motivation is. People typically lie to serve themselves and avoid accountability. You can’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to accept responsibility.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Yelling. </strong><span>We all get angry, but yelling cannot be anyone’s routine form of expression.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Selfishness.</strong><span> There’s no way you can have a relationship with someone who’s self-absorbed. Compromise and giving are everything in a relationship. Otherwise, you’re going to feel angry, drained, diminished, and unimportant.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Physical abuse. </strong>Abuse isn’t about love - it’s a lack of the ability to love and be loved. It’s about power and control. Don’t think you’re going to be the one who’s going to change them.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-07-17T15:11:00Z6 Questions to Determine if You're in the Right RelationshipStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Questions-to-Determine-if-Youre-in-the-Right-Relationship/822543732333851677.html2017-07-13T15:07:00Z2017-07-13T15:07:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-914d79c3-3c7d-ed1f-5220-fcce4db71ba4">
<p dir="ltr"><span>It astounds me how many of my callers are basically dating a red flag with feet attached and can’t see the warning signs. Here are 6 questions to determine if you’re in the right relationship:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Are your friends and family telling you to get out? </strong><span>Don’t ignore them because you think you know better.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Would you want this kind of relationship for your future kids? </strong><span>If the answer is no, then why are you dating this person? It’s amazing how much clarity you can have when you ask yourself this simple question.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>When they mess up, do they own it? </strong><span>You shouldn’t have to force an apology out of someone.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do they have compassion for others?</strong><span> There’s a difference between having opinions and simply being judgmental.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do you have a lot in common?</strong><span> Do you have similar ideas about family and dreams for the future? If not, there’s little chance that your relationship will survive.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do they make you happy to be alive and in a relationship with them? </strong>Does being with them bring you happiness and contentment, or stress, anxiety, fear, and insecurity?</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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</span>Staff2017-07-13T15:07:00ZWhy You Shouldn't Share Your Marital Problems with Other PeopleStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-You-Shouldnt-Share-Your-Marital-Problems-with-Other-People/-673597709651992157.html2017-07-11T14:19:00Z2017-07-11T14:19:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c3318036-1b92-4a29-bb51-9268fe2fd445"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c18ec2d7-2d05-e1f6-c1c5-b3d39fe821ab"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-136c0e1d-3205-1f8a-9067-a271f886dff9">
<p dir="ltr"><span>When you air dirty laundry in public, you never know where it is going to end up. Here are 6 reasons why you shouldn’t share your marital problems with friends and family members:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>People have big mouths. </strong><span>Unlike a priest or an attorney who is bound by law not to repeat what you say, anybody you talk to is going to jabber. Even if you make them promise not to share what you told them, only the rare person actually keeps that promise. You never know who else will find out, and it is embarrassing to be the subject of gossip. Plus, if your spouse catches wind of it, you run the risk of hurting your relationship even more. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Your words will likely get twisted. </strong><span>Remember the “telephone” game we used to play when we were kids? Ten kids stand in a line, and the first person tells the second person something. Then that person repeats it to the next person, and so on. By the time the 10th person repeats what the first person said, it’s usually very far removed from the original message. If you discuss your marital problems, you are essentially playing that game with your friends and family.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You are betraying your spouse’s trust. </strong><span>If your spouse were in the room and heard what you said, would he or she be OK with it? If the situation were reversed, would it be OK with you? Think about how angry and hurt you’d feel. It takes a long time to get over something like that.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>It won’t solve the problem.</strong><span> Venting about your spouse may make you feel good in the moment, but it doesn’t solve anything. The person you should be talking to is your spouse.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You might change your mind, but your friends and relatives might not. </strong><span>After you get through a rough patch, the people who had your back might act cold towards your spouse.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You could become the boy or girl who cried wolf. </strong>If you run to people and whine every time you have a hurt feeling, you start becoming less sympathetic.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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</span>Staff2017-07-11T14:19:00Z5 Tips for Dealing with an Annoying CoworkerStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Tips-for-Dealing-with-an-Annoying-Coworker/912387374488814705.html2017-07-10T15:01:00Z2017-07-10T15:01:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c3318036-1b92-4a29-bb51-9268fe2fd445"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c18ec2d7-2d05-e1f6-c1c5-b3d39fe821ab">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Is one of your coworkers driving you bananas? Here’s how to deal with it:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t lose your cool. </strong><span>The worst thing you can do is pop your cork. That’s what everybody is going to see and remember. When you scream and yell, the annoying person becomes the victim. Avoid confrontation whenever possible.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Talk it out. </strong><span>If your coworker seems like a reasonable person, calmly try to have a discussion about the problem. However, if they start arguing back, stop right then and there.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Focus on your work. </strong><span>This might be difficult if the person is also involved in your work. If that’s the case, go to a boss, HR manager, or supervisor and say that </span><span>we </span><span>need help working together on this project. That way, it doesn’t look like you’re snitching behind their back.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Take a break.</strong><span> Walk outside. Look out the window. Put on headphones. Take 5.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Remind yourself that this is how you earn a living. </strong><span>Ultimately, there may be nothing you can do, and you simply have to stay positive by any means necessary. Whether it’s yoga or prayer, whatever helps you, use it. Most importantly, don’t bring it home with you. Otherwise, you’re allowing strife to beget strife.</span></p>
</li>
</ol></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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</span>Staff2017-07-10T15:01:00Z9 Ways to Be a Good ParentStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/9-Ways-to-Be-a-Good-Parent/165462972683525479.html2017-07-08T05:46:00Z2017-07-08T05:46:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c3318036-1b92-4a29-bb51-9268fe2fd445">
<p dir="ltr"><span>There is no way to be a perfect parent. But there are a million ways to be a good one. Here are 9 of the most important ones:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be there</strong><span><strong>.</strong> You can’t be good at anything if you don’t show up - parenting included. Make sure you go to all their events (dance recitals, sporting activities, school plays, etc.). Don’t let your career or hobbies devour your time. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Listen.</strong><span> Show that you’re interested in their thoughts feelings, opinions, and activities. I saw in the news that a school in Scotland put up a sign at three entrances asking for parents to not be on their phones when they pick up their children after class. The sign, which reads, “Greet your child with a smile, not a mobile,” calls for parents to interact with their kids and aims to encourage pupils to have discussions with their families at the end of the day. I couldn’t agree more. Put your phone down when you’re eating dinner or picking up your kids. One of my consistent favorite memories when my son was growing up was having mother-son chats when I put him to bed every night. He would lie under the covers all tucked in and I’d lie down on top of the covers next to him and stare up at the ceiling. He’d tell me what he was thinking and feeling, what happened that day, or if something was upsetting him. It was a quiet, peaceful, sweet, and intimate time with just my kidlet and me, looking up at the ceiling and chatting.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be consistent.</strong><span> Many parents don’t seem to think kids need rules, boundaries, or consistency. However, it’s just the opposite. Rules and boundaries give your child a sense of security and clarity. They know what’s OK, what’s not OK, and what pleases you and elevates them in your eyes.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be patient.</strong><span> Being patient with kids can be very hard because they will drive you up a wall. But take several breaths, count to 20, and remind yourself that you love your child.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Have fun</strong><span><strong>.</strong> Act silly together and find the humor. One activity I have recommended for years is to make a huge bowl of jello, cover the table with something, and then dump the jello on the table. It’s fun to squish and kids find it hilarious!</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Teach.</strong><span> You are your child’s first teacher, so it’s your job to make learning interesting to them. Read books, visit museums, and take trips to the zoo. Make learning something that is normal, natural, and exciting.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Apologize. </strong><span>When you blow it (and we all do) apologize. If you yelled or were wrong, say you’re sorry. Believe it or not, your child will actually be more likely to apologize to you as well.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Tell them you love them. </strong><span>You can never overdose a kid in telling them you love them. Hug them, kiss them, and hold their hand.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do your best.</strong> Look at the beautiful smile on your child’s face and know you’re doing well.</p>
</li>
</ol></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-07-08T05:46:00Z5 Tips for Saying NoStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Tips-for-Saying-No/-953471906902606818.html2017-07-06T13:53:00Z2017-07-06T13:53:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-530de267-78bb-879f-5c10-b4341cfbe70f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1b1a71ab-9caf-e4fe-9355-50174525c9a1"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d94143ea-a1de-ddb8-4895-e47a225784da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-975b8645-e12d-b13a-c638-99c07c3fb06f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-590ba82f-e181-3dbc-85a7-5f30accbc07e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7460ab3c-e195-24ea-03f4-b7f9e826a885">
<div><strong><span id="docs-internal-guid-074835d2-1829-9148-feba-81413c4d4e56"> </span></strong><span id="docs-internal-guid-074835d2-1829-9148-feba-81413c4d4e56">
<p dir="ltr"><br />When you were 2 years old, you probably had no trouble saying no. But when you get to be decades older, “no” becomes a terrifying impossibility. You don’t want to let anyone down, hurt their feelings, or make them mad at you. Yet, despite how complicated everyone wants to make it, saying no is incredibly simple. Here’s how you do it:</p>
</span><span id="docs-internal-guid-074835d2-1829-9148-feba-81413c4d4e56"><ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Say it with a pleasant expression on your face.</strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Lightly touch the other person on the hand, arm, or shoulder.</strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Keep it short and simple.</strong> You don’t have to explain yourself. Just say, “I’m so sorry to disappoint you.” If they press you for more information, stick with that mantra: “I’m so sorry to disappoint you, but I really can’t.” Don’t give excuses or explanations.</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t say, “Perhaps some other time.”</strong> They’ll be back!</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>End it by wishing the other person well.</strong> Say, “I hope the party/job/trip goes well.” It’s gracious, and you make it clear that it’s over.</p>
</li>
</ol> </span><span id="docs-internal-guid-074835d2-1829-9148-feba-81413c4d4e56">That’s it! The more you do it, the better you’ll get at it. If you don’t, everybody else will own your life and you won’t. If you want to be the master of your own life, you have to learn how to say no nicely, with no excuses and no explanations.</span></div>
</span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span> </span></span></span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-07-06T13:53:00ZSmall Habits That Steal Your HappinessStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Small-Habits-That-Steal-Your-Happiness/-134897855069319613.html2017-06-29T23:32:00Z2017-06-29T23:32:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-530de267-78bb-879f-5c10-b4341cfbe70f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1b1a71ab-9caf-e4fe-9355-50174525c9a1"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d94143ea-a1de-ddb8-4895-e47a225784da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-975b8645-e12d-b13a-c638-99c07c3fb06f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-590ba82f-e181-3dbc-85a7-5f30accbc07e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-7460ab3c-e195-24ea-03f4-b7f9e826a885"><ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Comparing yourself to others. </strong><span> We each have special talents and blessings. When my son was growing up, I handled the math through algebra, but then I turned it over to Dad because I never met an equilateral triangle that I liked (except when setting up balls to play pool). Geometry was </span><span>not </span><span>my thing. You’re good at what you’re good at, and you’re not good at other things. But so what? You have to be OK with that.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Holding on to the past. </strong>There’s ugly and disappointing crap in everybody’s past. You can learn from it, but you can’t dwell there. Forgive yourself and let it go.</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Holding grudges.</strong><span> We have all had people in our lives who have intentionally screwed us over. You don’t have to forgive them, but you can’t walk around festering in it. You have to get on with the pieces of your life that you do have.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Not taking care of yourself.</strong><span> I have gotten a manicure every week of my entire adult life because when I look down at my nails, I feel good. Getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, and taking showers simply makes you feel better and happier.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Trying to fit in where you don’t (or even want to) fit in.</strong><span> Fitting in may make you feel happy in the short term, but in the long run, you’re going to be disgusted with yourself because of the compromises you have made.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Taking on jobs that you hate</strong><span><strong>.</strong> When you hate what you’re doing, you don’t perform well and you’re not happy. Now, there are times when you have to do whatever it takes just to survive, but that’s different. In that case, you should be proud of yourself for doing what you have to do in order to survive and take care of your family.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Multitasking. </strong><span>Multitasking never made anybody happy. I know many of you think it means you have increased intelligence, but by multitasking, you actually put less IQ into each thing than if you did one thing at a time.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Loneliness.</strong><span> Loneliness is oftentimes voluntary because it means you’re not opening your heart, arms, or home to friends. Good friends are a godsend no matter what’s going on in your life.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Complaining.</strong> Some people can look at a beautiful lawn and get obsessed with a piece of crabgrass. It’s easy to have complaints, but spending your time complaining doesn’t get you anywhere.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span> </span></span></span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-06-29T23:32:00Z5 Tips for Getting Along with Difficult PeopleStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Tips-for-Getting-Along-with-Difficult-People/-405974153629181162.html2017-06-27T23:10:00Z2017-06-27T23:10:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-530de267-78bb-879f-5c10-b4341cfbe70f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1b1a71ab-9caf-e4fe-9355-50174525c9a1"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d94143ea-a1de-ddb8-4895-e47a225784da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-975b8645-e12d-b13a-c638-99c07c3fb06f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-590ba82f-e181-3dbc-85a7-5f30accbc07e">
<p dir="ltr"><span>We all have to deal with difficult people in our lives. Whether it’s a passive-aggressive control freak or someone who loves to play the victim card, here are my tips for getting along with a difficult person:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Know your triggers.</strong><span> We all have things that push our buttons, and difficult people have a knack for sniffing them out. It could be politics, money, family issues, or religion. Know what your buttons are and how to control yourself.</span> </p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Have an exit strategy. </strong><span>When the conversation gets dangerously close to lighting your fire, excuse yourself. Do whatever it takes to get away from the button-pusher.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Say, “Perhaps you’re right.” </strong><span>That usually stops people dead in their tracks because you’re seemingly acknowledging what they’re saying. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Resist the temptation to get sucked in. </strong><span>Don’t try to justify, defend, explain, or argue your position. The conversation is only going to spin in circles, and you will end up more frustrated than when you started. You are not going to change them. Leave it alone.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Take pity on them.</strong> Deep down, really difficult people aren’t happy. They don’t act the way they do to annoy you - they’re just trying to feel something.</p>
</li>
</ol></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span> </span></span></span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-06-27T23:10:00Z4 Seemingly Harmless Things You Shouldn't Say to Your KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/4-Seemingly-Harmless-Things-You-Shouldnt-Say-to-Your-Kids/390817033996143141.html2017-06-26T21:38:00Z2017-06-26T21:38:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-530de267-78bb-879f-5c10-b4341cfbe70f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1b1a71ab-9caf-e4fe-9355-50174525c9a1"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d94143ea-a1de-ddb8-4895-e47a225784da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-975b8645-e12d-b13a-c638-99c07c3fb06f">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Even though it may seem innocuous in the moment, there are certain things parents say to their kids that hurt more than they realize. Here are 4 seemingly harmless things you shouldn’t say to your kids:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>“Hurry up.”</strong><span> Start things earlier if time is an issue, but don’t rush your kids. Kids want to dawdle, explore, and examine. They want to pet dogs, collect bugs, and daydream. It’s part of their development. </span> </p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>“Calm down.” </strong><span>Telling someone to calm down does exactly the opposite of what you want - it escalates the situation. By telling your child to calm down, you’re basically saying that their feelings aren’t valid and there’s no reason to be upset.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>“Don’t cry.”</strong><span> Instructing someone not to cry is like telling them not to bleed. It’s a perfectly healthy and natural emotional response.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>“Not now.”</strong><span> Saying, “Not now,” and then pushing your child away is very hurtful to them. Stop what you’re doing, and give them some attention and affection. If you really can’t drop what you’re doing, say, </span><em>“I love you, and I’d love to do this with you. Can it wait a moment until I finish what I’m doing so I can enjoy it more with you?” </em><span>This teaches kids patience without making them feel unimportant next to whatever you’re doing.</span></p>
</li>
</ol></span> </span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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</span>Staff2017-06-26T21:38:00Z8 Ways Successful People Stay MotivatedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/8-Ways-Successful-People-Stay-Motivated/40179477209898348.html2017-06-22T04:20:00Z2017-06-22T04:20:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5b7fc5a6-c0c4-8d5e-e968-94a04bf560b4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-37a2a833-c3ae-4434-47ff-2c4828665003"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c64d3fcd-c3b7-2e4a-3f6f-a2730ca514a9">
<p dir="ltr"><span>You may think that people who do many things consistently and reasonably well are somehow magically motivated and you’re not. Wrong! Staying motivated has nothing to do with magic. It’s about doing things in spite of not feeling like it.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are 8 things you can do to help you stay motivated:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Plan the next day the night before. </strong><span>Write down what your priorities are and how you’re going to accomplish them.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Drop the idea that somehow you’re entitled</strong><span><strong>. </strong>Everybody starts from the bottom and works hard to accomplish goals. You’re no different.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Try not to stress out about your list.</strong><span> Don’t put more on your to-do list than should be there in a healthy, reasonable day. Don’t stress yourself over the things you can’t control. Instead, get yourself organized with what you can control.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Distance yourself from negativity and naysayers. </strong><span>Some people like to recruit other people to feel crappy with them. If you have to eliminate people from your life, so be it.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t compare yourself to anybody else. </strong><span>We all have had to dig ourselves out of different holes. Your journey is not the same as someone else’s.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t be impatient with yourself</strong><span><strong>.</strong> If you’re giving 100%, you have to accept that it takes the time it takes.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do the toughest things first. </strong><span>Get them out of the way.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Find someone to hold you accountable.</strong> If you want to start exercising, find a walking buddy. If you want to stop drinking, get a sponsor. If you’re the type of person who needs to be held accountable, find someone who will.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-06-22T04:20:00Z3 Ways to Protect Your Marriage from InfidelityStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/3-Ways-to-Protect-Your-Marriage-from-Infidelity/525811545794951597.html2017-06-21T04:10:00Z2017-06-21T04:10:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5b7fc5a6-c0c4-8d5e-e968-94a04bf560b4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-37a2a833-c3ae-4434-47ff-2c4828665003">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Nobody married should think their relationship is immune to affairs. Unless it’s an issue of low character, spouses who cheat typically stray to fulfill a need not being met by their partner. That’s why you need to safeguard your marriage with caring and effort. Here are 3 ways to protect your marriage from infidelity:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be physically and emotionally intimate. </strong><span>Practice the 3 A’s: </span><span>attention, affection, and appreciation</span><span>. Touch, caress, hold hands, cuddle, kiss, and hug. Show your spouse how much he or she means to you. Just having sex isn’t enough. If you make your spouse feel valued, they won’t stray (unless you married a person of poor character).</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Close the door on old loves.</strong><span> Don’t message them on Facebook. Don’t play with the past. The fantasy looks much better than any reality.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Never discuss your marital problems with someone you’re drawn to in a physical way. </strong><span>Practicing monogamy requires effort - don’t flirt with anyone other than your spouse.</span></p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-06-21T04:10:00ZWhat to Do When Someone Keeps Letting You DownStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-to-Do-When-Someone-Keeps-Letting-You-Down/949846981013373128.html2017-06-19T14:35:00Z2017-06-19T14:35:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5b7fc5a6-c0c4-8d5e-e968-94a04bf560b4">
<p dir="ltr"><span>We have all had people let us down. Whether it’s a spouse, parent, sibling, friend, or child, it can leave you feeling angry, disappointed, and resentful.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here’s what to do if someone keeps letting you down:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t automatically take it personally.</strong><span> Ask yourself if this person does it to everyone or just you. If he or she does it to everyone, then it’s not personal - it’s simply who he or she is. Some people are just nasty, lazy, or self-centered. They tell you what you want to hear and then don’t follow through because they lack integrity or desperately want to be liked. We really don’t know what’s in someone else’s head, and we may never know.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Ask yourself if this is a pattern or an event. </strong>Is this person distracted by something? Is he or she going through some personal issues? If you know someone is going through a difficult time, cut him or her some slack. </p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Have a conversation.</strong><span> Sometimes people don’t realize that their actions are hurtful. Let them know. You’re not telling them to change; you’re just asking for the relationship to be better. They’ll either do something about it, or they won’t.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Accept that you can’t control others. </strong><span>We don’t have the power to force people to be loving or counted on. Only </span><em>you</em><span> can control yourself with respect to not taking it personally or blaming yourself.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Stop the bleeding.</strong> If you have made your feelings known and the other person hasn’t changed, don’t stick around to continue to be let down. Become less involved or move on completely. There’s a maturity you need to develop in order to face the truth and respond appropriately.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_061917.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-06-19T14:35:00Z5 Little Things That Will Kill Your RelationshipStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Little-Things-That-Will-Kill-Your-Relationship/401528311536470372.html2017-06-15T14:21:00Z2017-06-15T14:21:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d469e9a4-ac1e-2741-b587-5de695dffc67">
<p dir="ltr"><span>It’s the little things that keep a relationship beautiful, and it’s the little things that destroy it. Here are five behaviors that will kill even the best of relationships:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You don’t connect. </strong><span>You have jobs that take you in opposite directions. You pay more attention to your phones or computers than each other. You can’t feel connected if you aren’t connecting (laughing about silly things, holding hands, giving each other back rubs, etc.).</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You’re constantly criticizing.</strong><span> If you care about somebody and want them to care about you, don’t whine and complain about everything they do.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You’re petty.</strong><span> Being passive-aggressive because “the other day you did such and such” is not a healthy way to deal with a problem.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You’re not considerate. </strong><span>You forget special days or make more time for your family and friends than your boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse. A healthy relationship is about caring and giving, not absorbing. You need to ask what you can do for your relationship, not what your relationship can do for you.</span> </p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You attack each other instead of the problem.</strong> It should be “you and me” against the world, not “you and me” versus each other.</p>
</li>
</ol></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_061517.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-06-15T14:21:00Z5 Mistakes Parents Make When Trying to Diffuse Their Child's AngerStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Mistakes-Parents-Make-When-Trying-to-Diffuse-Their-Childs-Anger/-295265571809598443.html2017-06-13T14:31:00Z2017-06-13T14:31:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-530de267-78bb-879f-5c10-b4341cfbe70f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1b1a71ab-9caf-e4fe-9355-50174525c9a1"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d94143ea-a1de-ddb8-4895-e47a225784da">
<p dir="ltr"><span>When your kid is already upset and then they have to fight you to justify their feelings, it’s a sure way to send them over the edge. Here are some common mistakes parents make when trying to diffuse their children’s anger:</span> </p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You tell them there’s nothing to be upset about. </strong><span>If someone is upset, then by default, they have something to be upset about. Never tell a child that there is no reason for him or her to be upset.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You talk more than you listen. </strong><span>You can’t figure out why your child is upset unless you shut your mouth and actually listen.</span> </p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You deny their emotions. </strong><span>Don’t automatically argue the opposite viewpoint. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You don’t empathize. </strong><span>Ask why your child is upset:</span></p>
</li>
</ol> <em>
<ul>
<li><em>“Are you upset that I wouldn’t let you go to your friend’s house?”</em></li>
<li><em>“Are you upset that you couldn’t watch your show?”</em></li>
<li><em>“Are you angry with your brother for taking your stuff without asking?”</em></li>
</ul>
</em>
<ul>
<li style="display: inline !important;">Don’t crazy-make your child. Ask why they are angry.</li>
</ul>
<p dir="ltr"><span> 5.<strong> You add “but”. </strong>Saying, “I see you’re disappointed <em>but</em>…” erases everything you just said.<br /><br />You’d be surprised how much kids will calm down when you validate their feelings rather than telling them they’re wrong, stupid, or crazy. Never tell them they shouldn’t feel what they’re feeling, and never argue the opposite.</span></p>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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</span>Staff2017-06-13T14:31:00ZHow to Help Kids Who Are Too Hard on ThemselvesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Help-Kids-Who-Are-Too-Hard-on-Themselves/-266553100498045257.html2017-06-12T14:22:00Z2017-06-12T14:22:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-530de267-78bb-879f-5c10-b4341cfbe70f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1b1a71ab-9caf-e4fe-9355-50174525c9a1">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Everybody loses, makes mistakes, fails to perform, does stupid stuff, receives criticism, and gets excluded. That’s life. We can’t make the bad feelings go away, but we can learn to face them without beating ourselves up. Here are some words to give your kids to help them accept the painful facts of life:</span></p>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Losing. </strong><span>Sometimes you’re going to win, and sometimes you’re going to lose. However, there’s a difference between losing and being a loser. Losing is noble because it means you tried.</span></p>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Making mistakes. </strong><span>There isn’t a person on the face of this earth who doesn’t make mistakes. The important part is, did you learn something? What can you do with this mistake, and how can you not make it again?</span></p>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Failing to perform. </strong><span>In life, you can’t always control the outcome. The only thing you can control is the effort you put in. If you did your best, that’s all you can do.</span></p>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Getting in trouble. </strong><span>Once you’ve paid your dues, you need to forgive yourself and get on with life.</span> </p>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Getting criticized. </strong><span>Not everybody is liked by everybody. You’re always going to get mixed reviews, and you have to accept that.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Being left out. </strong>Everyone gets rejected here and there for some reason. It’s best to expect that you will not be invited to everything or be included in every group you would like to join. Just think about the list of people you’ve excluded or dumped in the past.</p>
</li>
</ul>
</span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-06-12T14:22:00ZHow to Know Your Relationship Will Last ForeverStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Know-Your-Relationship-Will-Last-Forever/-67285834071126318.html2017-06-08T13:53:00Z2017-06-08T13:53:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-06a377c0-51b8-c150-0e95-04131cb2013a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1ceed209-7c48-edfd-bf34-9cf0798fccfd"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-94720056-87fb-325c-6f50-a20a2d82e157">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Having a great relationship that will probably last forever is not a crapshoot. There are certain qualities that make it happen, but it takes several years to ensure those qualities are there. The problem is, people often don’t want to put in the time or investment, so it blows up in their faces.</span> </p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are 8 signs that your relationship has what it takes to stand the test of time:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You trust each other. </strong><span>Nobody is checking each other’s emails or Facebook accounts. You’re not going through pockets or wallets. You know this a quality person who hasn’t breached your trust.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You accept each other’s pasts. </strong><span>You know about each other’s upbringings, past boyfriends and girlfriends, and their stupid mistakes. If you can’t accept who they are now and let go of the past, you shouldn’t be moving forward with them.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You have faith in them even when they don’t have faith in themselves.</strong><span> Nobody is going to be at their best or strongest all of the time. You need to buoy each other up.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You both put in the effort and show each other gratitude. You appreciate what the other person does for you, and vice versa.</strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You communicate.</strong><span> You know how to talk to each other and resolve issues and setbacks.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You can’t keep your hands off of each other. </strong><span>You love to kiss and touch.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You respect each other. </strong><span>You may have different interests, tastes, and opinions. Yet, you still support and encourage each other.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You have common goals. </strong><span>When it comes to where you want to live, pets, and kids, you both want the same thing. It’s not </span><em>your </em><span>dream and </span><em>my </em><span>dream. It’s </span><em>our </em><span>dream.</span></p>
</li>
</ol></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em><em> </em></p>
</span> </span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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</span> </span>Staff2017-06-08T13:53:00Z6 Excuses Women Make to Stay with the Wrong GuyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Excuses-Women-Make-to-Stay-with-the-Wrong-Guy/396590511737764209.html2017-06-07T07:26:00Z2017-06-07T07:26:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-06a377c0-51b8-c150-0e95-04131cb2013a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1ceed209-7c48-edfd-bf34-9cf0798fccfd">
<p dir="ltr"><span>No matter who the guy is, what every relationship boils down to is how he treats and respects you. These are the excuses women make to stay with the wrong guy:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>“I can’t help who I love.”</strong><span> Just because you spend time together and have feelings for each other doesn’t automatically mean you’re in love. It could be attachment, dependency, or fear of being alone. A lot of these feelings get mixed up with love. True love requires mutual and reciprocal awe, admiration, and respect. If that’s not happening, it ain’t love.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>“He needs me.”</strong><span> If the main reason for being with someone is that he needs you, all it means is that you’re so insecure about someone loving you that you’re using that person to feel safe. In other words, if he needs you, he’s not going to dump you. That’s what we call a codependent relationship.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>“His behavior is not his fault.”</strong> You give him a pass because he had a rough childhood, or he’s stressed out about work. Please - we all make choices. History is not destiny.</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>“There’s no one better out there.” </strong><span>You’re overlooking the red flags because you’re afraid of change or being alone. However, putting in the effort to find a</span><span> </span><span>healthy relationship is far easier than the work of staying in an unhealthy one.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>“We’re different.” </strong><span>Don’t justify staying with someone because the situation is “complicated” or “unique.” Listen with an open mind to the people in your life who know and love you.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>“He’s sorry.” </strong><span>An apology loses its luster after it has been repeated 40 times. If he’s constantly treating you like crap, he’s not ready to change. The apologies are just a way to get you to shut up. </span></p>
</li>
</ol></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em><em> </em></p>
</span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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</span> </span>Staff2017-06-07T07:26:00Z7 Parenting Mistakes That Negatively Impact Your KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/7-Parenting-Mistakes-That-Negatively-Impact-Your-Kids/721279777094704736.html2017-06-06T14:52:00Z2017-06-06T14:52:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-530de267-78bb-879f-5c10-b4341cfbe70f">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Sometimes when you’re trying to be a good parent, you actually end up doing things that hurt your kids. Here are 7 parenting mistakes you may be making:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You criticize and act disappointed. </strong><span>Constant criticism affects your child’s mood, willingness to try new things, and desire to connect with you. It makes them associate doing things right with how valuable and lovable they are. However, we live asymptotic lives. Perfection isn’t possible for anyone.2</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You praise for things that aren’t praiseworthy. </strong><span>Positive feedback that’s unearned hurts more than it helps. Sure, praise builds a person’s confidence, but when it’s given for nothing, a child doesn’t learn how to persevere. It’s far better to praise hard work and effort. For example say, “I can’t believe that you stayed with it despite how frustrating it was.” It doesn’t matter if your child accomplished something or not. Esteem-building is associated with tenacity, perseverance, and dealing with frustration, not winning the brass ring. If we need to win to boost our self-esteem, we’ll never be happy.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You control their life. </strong><span>Not allowing kids to quit something doesn’t teach them not to quit, so stop pushing your ambitions and coordinating every aspect of their lives. Let them quit. Let them experiment until something lights their fire.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You do everything for them. </strong><span>Doing your children’s dishes or cleaning their rooms gives the impression that they can’t do anything for themselves. Kids can only learn responsibility by being responsible. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You set the bar way too high. </strong><span>Not every child is capable of getting all A’s and B’s. I know I wasn’t. If you wonder why your child doesn’t try hard in school anymore, maybe it’s because he or she is anxious and fearful of disappointing you because you’re never satisfied.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You don’t listen</strong><span><strong>. </strong>Kids need to talk about their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. That means you need to actively listen. How else do you feel valued by somebody unless you’re listened to?</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You compare them.</strong> If you got nothing else from <em>Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood</em>, it should be that everyone is special in his or her own way. Don’t compare your child to his or her siblings or anyone else. It’s not all apples to apples.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-06-06T14:52:00Z9 Bad Habits to Avoid Developing in Your 20sStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/9-Bad-Habits-to-Avoid-Developing-in-Your-20s/236860883291234034.html2017-06-02T03:26:00Z2017-06-02T03:26:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-4ef5192e-32e4-36c6-62ef-13f7c46ad3b3"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-9eecb9fd-32f3-ea06-1057-afc08631c566"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-15188d83-66c7-2c75-b91f-b877c1282874"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8044c4fe-6bf9-65d8-7112-e2fc347ad892"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0b1b9e74-51ce-eacc-7c00-369c2ac06c12"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-b25a3adf-523a-e0bb-bc7e-9db408674880">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Being in your 20s is the best of times and the worst of times. You finally have the freedom to explore yourself and the world around you without Mom and Dad telling you no. However, it’s also the decade where you’re maturing into an adult, which means you want to make sure you’re not developing any bad habits.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are 9 habits you need to correct while you’re in your 20s:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t be egocentric. </strong><span>I’m not suggesting that everyone in their 20s is selfish and narcissistic, but young people do have a tendency to be absorbed in their own worlds. If you do that, you’re going to be very disappointed and frustrated because the world does not revolve around you. Even though you’re struggling to find out who you are and what you’re doing, make a normal routine in your life to perform acts of kindness. If you start being selfless in your 20s, you’ll have a better attitude about life and yourself.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t focus on money as the be-all and end-all of what makes you successful and happy. </strong><span>It’s really nice to be able to pay your bills, but money doesn’t make you happy. Money is not a bad thing or a good thing; it’s just a thing. It’s how you look at it and use it. Some people waste money. Others hoard it. Try not to do either. If money is the only thing in your sights, you may miss out on opportunities that will be more meaningful to you later in life.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t get married until you’re ready.</strong><span> Many people wish they had experienced more in their 20s, be it work, travel, hobbies, or education. Use this time to expand yourself. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t live in the past. </strong><span>When you’re in your 20s, you have your first opportunity to start looking at your childhood more objectively and stop dragging it around with you. I get so sad when I talk to people in their 40s and 50s who are still dragging their original family pain with them. Take the time now to put it in it’s place.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t forget to take care of yourself.</strong> Get sleep, eat right, and exercise. If you do these things when you’re young, they’ll become habits when you’re older. </p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t live without meaning. </strong><span>Without a sense of purpose, you’re going to feel depressed and aimless. Your sense of purpose can change, but there has to be a point to your life other than eating, drinking, partying, playing, or going to school. Everyone on the face of the Earth has a reason for being here. What’s yours?</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t plan out every detail of your life. </strong><span>A lot of you get OCD planning out how at such and such age you have to be doing this or that, but life doesn’t work that way. Stuff happens. It’s good to have a basic idea of where you want to be and work towards it, but you also need to be flexible.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t think the world owes you anything. </strong><span>The world owes you nothing. Just because you’re a good person, doesn’t mean bad things won’t happen to you. You have to accept when things don’t work out and be grateful when they do. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t be around people who hold you back or drag you down. </strong>Surround yourself with people who are kind and supportive, have meaningful lives, and value you.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_060117.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="500" /><br /></span></div>
</span> </span>Staff2017-06-02T03:26:00Z4 Ways to Be a Really Great Daughter-in-LawStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/4-Ways-to-Be-a-Really-Great-Daughter-in-Law/-586070387688873538.html2017-06-01T01:28:00Z2017-06-01T01:28:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-4ef5192e-32e4-36c6-62ef-13f7c46ad3b3"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-9eecb9fd-32f3-ea06-1057-afc08631c566"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-15188d83-66c7-2c75-b91f-b877c1282874"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8044c4fe-6bf9-65d8-7112-e2fc347ad892"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0b1b9e74-51ce-eacc-7c00-369c2ac06c12">
<p dir="ltr"><span>It’s a tough transition when a mom becomes a mother-in-law. She raised a son and had a place, and now she no longer knows what that place is. The daughter-in-law, on the other hand, didn’t have a place (she took one on), so there’s no transition. That’s why unless you have a psycho for a mother-in-law, the woman who raised the guy you love probably is a decent person who’s simply trying to figure out who the hell she is and what she’s supposed to be doing.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are 4 ways you can help ease the transition as a daughter-in-law:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Treat your mother-in-law and your own mother evenly.</strong><span> If you’re doing something nice for your mother’s birthday, try to do something nice for your mother-in-law’s birthday. If and when you have children, visit your mother and mother-in-law with reasonably similar frequency (unless someone lives far away, then that’s too bad).</span> </p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Show your mother-in-law respect. </strong><span>She’s older and wiser, and has gone through a lot of stuff in her life. Perhaps you could learn something from her. Be kind, warm, open, patient, and ignore the small stuff. When she asks to help, let her help, or give her something else to do.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Take interest in your mother-in-law. </strong><span>Sit and chat together. Take her on shopping trips. Ask her about her history. Where was she born? What was her family like? Show interest in her as a human being.</span> </p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Keep your mother-in-law in the loop. </strong>Call to let her know about important events. Send pictures of the kids.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2017-06-01T01:28:00Z8 Tips to Keep Your Marriage Fresh and ExcitingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/8-Tips-to-Keep-Your-Marriage-Fresh-and-Exciting/178956489215880261.html2017-05-31T01:04:00Z2017-05-31T01:04:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-06a377c0-51b8-c150-0e95-04131cb2013a">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Couples don’t just grow apart. They let go of each other. Here are 8 tips to prevent that from happening in your marriage:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Maintain the element of surprise.</strong><span> Surprises tell the other person that you put in thought. Everybody likes to know they’re being thought about, especially when you’re not around. Come home with a silly, cute gift. Plan a weekend or overnight getaway. Set up the bathroom with music, flowers, candles, and wine, and sit in the bathtub together. Surprises shake you from the boring and familiar, and make you feel special to each other again.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Send each other little messages. </strong><span>Send emails and texts. Leave voicemails. Slip romantic notes in his or her lunch. Write messages of encouragement if your spouse is going through something. Take the time out to make the connection.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Say, “I love you,” frequently and like you mean it. </strong><span>Don’t just make “I love you” a vapid phrase you use when you’re hanging up the phone. Really say it.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do something new together.</strong><span> Whether it’s scuba diving or a Japanese cooking class, try learning something together instead of only focusing on your own interests, activities, and hobbies.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Choose friends who are happily married. </strong><span>Having friends who are always bitching about each other or having affairs does nothing to reinforce feelings of commitment in your marriage.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Have goals together. </strong><span>When you were dating, I’m sure you talked about your hopes and dreams. Never stop doing that! Whether it’s training for a half marathon or saving up for a vacation, share some goals together. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Get past the superficial, day-to-day conversations.</strong><span> Instead of only asking things like, “What do you want for dinner?”, ask, “What were you thinking about when you were staring out the window?”, or, “What is it like to deal with your mom/dad/sister/brother?” Ask questions that have some meaning and depth that encourage both of you to be vulnerable, honest, and open.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Every time you see each other, act like it’s the first day you discovered you were in love.</strong> Don’t just come home. Kiss, hug, and smile. Make it a special moment.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em><em> </em></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2017-05-31T01:04:00Z7 Ways to Tell if Someone Is Ready for a RelationshipStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/7-Ways-to-Tell-if-Someone-Is-Ready-for-a-Relationship/868151445591471905.html2017-05-26T05:24:00Z2017-05-26T05:24:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-659ba441-33c3-f13b-2e31-9bf696636c64">
<p dir="ltr"><span>It takes almost nothing to throw the word “love” around. Building a lasting relationship requires a heck of a lot more. Here are some of the signs that the person you’re dating is really ready for a relationship:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They accept that having the benefit of someone in their life comes with responsibilities. </strong><span>If they are just enjoying the perks and attention but don’t come through when you need them, that’s not someone who is ready for a relationship.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They are emotionally self-sufficient. </strong><span>Nobody is totally emotionally self-sufficient - we all need the comfort and support of friends and family. However, if someone puts the entire weight of their happiness on you, that’s a sign of immaturity.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They know how to open up.</strong><span> They can share their innermost thoughts, fears, insecurities, and vulnerabilities with you. It may take time, but if they can’t do that,</span><span> </span><span>there’s something wrong.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They have a clear sense of purpose in their life</strong><span><strong>. </strong>If somebody has no direction, they will likely be irresponsible towards commitment as well.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They have realistic expectations. </strong><span>None of us are perfect, and we all make mistakes. If they expect you to give them the moon, get out of Dodge.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They are willing to accommodate and compromise. </strong><span>They can make concessions without whining, bitching, or making you pay for it later.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They have let go of the past. </strong>If experiences from childhood or past relationships continue to linger, they are not ready to be in a relationship. You can have all the compassion and sympathy you want, but until they work on getting themselves healthy, you’re going to be sorry. </p>
</li>
</ol></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
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</span>Staff2017-05-26T05:24:00Z5 Values You Need to Teach Your ChildrenStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Values-You-Need-to-Teach-Your-Children/459608057087204226.html2017-05-24T05:04:00Z2017-05-24T05:04:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-743a01ed-33b1-6c9e-e0f0-498830d0b563">
<p dir="ltr"><span>It’s unbelievably difficult to teach kids values these days because they don’t often see those values operating around them. People running for the highest offices in the land tell blatant lies without shame of getting caught, and some of the biggest “role models” actually give us very little to look up to. The only way to turn the tide is to teach our kids to be better. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are 5 values you absolutely must teach your kids:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Telling the truth.</strong><span> The best way to encourage truthfulness in your kids is to be truthful yourself. When your kids hear you lying, you are essentially giving them permission to lie as well. You can promote the value of honesty further by rewarding your children when they demonstrate it.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Making amends. </strong><span>It’s not enough to simply own up to a mistake. Kids will do that just to make something go away (plus, getting them to say, “I’m sorry,” is relatively meaningless when you’re grabbing them by the arm and forcing them to say it). “Sorry” is a nice start, but what really matters is repairing the situation. How can I make it better? How can I make amends with the person I’ve hurt? When you know your child did something wrong, don’t corner him or her by asking, “Did you do _______?”. Instead say, “I know you broke the potted plant. When you’ve done something wrong, my expectation is that you come to me and we figure out how to make it right.” That should be the focus - making it right.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Taking on challenges. </strong><span>Avoiding excessive praise and providing gentle, honest feedback makes kids more determined to try hard. Congratulate their effort when they do something particularly tough or challenging, and point out when they have and haven’t done their best.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Being considerate of other people’s feelings. </strong><span>It’s a burden to put yourself aside and care for someone else. Yet, it’s also a moral obligation. Teach your kids that life is nothing without caring about others.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Showing affection.</strong> Being affectionate takes 10 seconds - a hug, a kiss, a note in a lunchbox, an “I love you”, a word of encouragement. Demonstrate to your children that other people matter more than whatever else is going on.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
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</span>Staff2017-05-24T05:04:00Z6 Things That Hurt Your Marriage More Than CheatingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Things-That-Hurt-Your-Marriage-More-Than-Cheating/-245742840022874283.html2017-05-22T15:54:00Z2017-05-22T15:54:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f3bdfbfa-30db-93ef-fa68-d456102d7efc">
<p dir="ltr"><span>When we think about behaviors that ruin a marriage, people immediately jump to flirting and affairs. However, there are a number of things that hurt your marriage even worse:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Hiding, sneaking, and lying. </strong><span>Whether it’s to protect your spouse’s feelings or your own heinie, you should really be able to tell your spouse anything.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Lack of affection. </strong><span>When it comes to feeling connected, touching is even more important than talking.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Holding on to resentment.</strong><span> It’s very important to talk about things you’re upset about with your spouse. For example, “I’d like to feel more involved with making decisions about _____ .”</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Being stubborn. </strong><span>Marriage is a team effort. It’s about doing things together, not “my way or the highway.”</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Bitching about the small stuff. </strong><span>My favorite one is socks left on the floor. One day I received an email from a woman whose husband had died and she’d give anything to have his socks on the floor again. It really puts things in perspective.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Talking down and being competitive. </strong>You are supposed to be each other’s biggest cheerleaders, not competitors.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em><em> </em></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2017-05-22T15:54:00ZIs It Time to Make a Change in Your Life?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Is-It-Time-to-Make-a-Change-in-Your-Life/-721744632603652496.html2017-05-19T04:47:00Z2017-05-19T04:47:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0d148475-0a6e-0e8c-a6fa-ef2e03c726ed">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Change is scary. We like what’s familiar, and we don’t easily shift out of our habits and routines, even when they’re causing us great pain or unhappiness. It’s the price of losing everything you know versus gaining what you don’t know.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>So, if you’re looking to make a big change in your life, here’s what you have to do.</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Come up with a game plan.</strong><span> What’s your goal? What’s your end point?</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Keep your mind on your goal. </strong><span>All kinds of things are going to interrupt, discourage, and scare you. That’s why every day you need to remind yourself of the goal.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Remain optimistic.</strong><span> Things may not be perfect, but they will be better.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Surround yourself with people who support you. </strong><span>Nix the naysayers.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be open to new ideas</strong><span><strong>.</strong> When someone offers you advice, don’t ignore it. Think about how you may or may not incorporate it.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Look for the lesson. </strong>When you experience a setback along the way (and you will), try to see how you can learn from it.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
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</span>Staff2017-05-19T04:47:00ZWhen Mom and Dad Have Different Parenting StylesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-Mom-and-Dad-Have-Different-Parenting-Styles/478621993268564488.html2017-05-17T04:38:00Z2017-05-17T04:38:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d008b1cb-0a66-56f7-9544-e12631ba8c3b">
<p dir="ltr"><span>When you’ve got two parents coming from two different families and each family has different parenting styles, there’s bound to be conflict. Most people tend to parent how they were parented, and since they’ve never been parents before, they project all the feelings and values they grew up with onto their new family. However, you and your spouse can’t do that - you need to work as a team. Here’s how to blend your different parenting styles:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Communicate regularly and openly. </strong><span>It’s not that most people can’t communicate, it’s that they actively try not to. We avoid communication because we don’t want to be vulnerable or exposed. Yet, you must communicate openly. “Openly” doesn’t mean criticizing, blaming, or yelling. It means providing information - “I’m confused,” “I’m frustrated,” etc. Use the words. Don’t withhold or exaggerate.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Know your kid</strong><span><strong>. </strong>All kids are different, which means that each child requires a little different parenting. What worked with one sibling may not work with another. Educate yourself and talk to other parents.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t get so defensive.</strong> Just because your spouse is parenting in a way that seems foreign to you doesn’t mean that it’s bad or wrong. At the very least, don’t deal with it in the moment (unless your spouse is being dangerous or destructive). Wait until later to discuss it. Children need to see you as a united front. A house divided cannot stand. And when you do talk about it, the goal of the conversation should be, “How can we fix this?”, rather than who screwed up and who’s to blame. Come up with something that works for both of you that you can both feel good about.</p>
</li>
</ol></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
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</span>Staff2017-05-17T04:38:00Z9 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Getting Too Far Into a RelationshipStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/9-Questions-to-Ask-Yourself-Before-Getting-Too-Far-Into-a-Relationship/374822367674771185.html2017-05-16T04:31:00Z2017-05-16T04:31:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e5be68c1-0a5f-23f3-102f-e717a18be96e">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Before you invest months or years of your life into a dead-end relationship, here are some questions you need to ask yourself:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>How well do I know them? </strong><span>Meeting the parents seems to be the last thing people do when dating. However, it should be one of the first. Observing someone in their “natural habitat” gives you a big impression of how your future with them might look. What is their family like? What kind of upbringing did they have?</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Can I trust them?</strong><span> If they share your private conversations with anybody, walk away. Don’t have an argument about it or give them a second chance. If they aren’t going to protect your innermost thoughts, drop them.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do I see how they are changing me?</strong><span> No matter who you’re dating, you’re going to be influenced by that person to some degree. Are they trying to get you to start or stop doing something?</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>How do we communicate? </strong><span>Do you feel intimidated to talk or be open? Do you give them all the power because it’s easier than arguing?</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Am I attracted to their character or just their body? </strong><span>It’s easy to be attracted to someone who is a babe, but are you attracted to their heart, values, beliefs, and worldview? When you add up all the time you spend in a relationship, sex is only a tiny percentage. You have to be able to connect in other ways.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Are they accepting of who I am? </strong><span>The most mature and loving people love you for who you are. If, while dating, they are already trying to change how you dress, talk, or eat, they are not ready for a relationship. And if you go along with it, you aren’t ready for a relationship either.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>How do they treat other people? </strong><span>Pay particular attention to how they treat people they say they care about.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do they make an effort to put my needs first? </strong><span>Relationships are give and take. If someone never gives, throws temper tantrums, displays outbursts of rage, or tries to control you, you need to watch out.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Are their hopes and dreams for the future compatible with mine?</strong><span> This one is self-explanatory. </span></p>
</li>
</ol></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
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</span>Staff2017-05-16T04:31:00ZIs Your Marriage in Trouble?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Is-Your-Marriage-in-Trouble/-761655659474035564.html2017-05-13T21:05:00Z2017-05-13T21:05:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Why do I think so many marriages fail these days?</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Well for one, with all of the divorce and chaos surrounding today’s family life, many people go into marriages feeling extremely insecure. They have a hard time trusting because of the turmoil from their childhoods.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Second, I think fewer people are willing to be honorable and feel more entitled to please themselves.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Third, spouses don’t take good enough care of each other. When they get married, they stop being each other’s boyfriend and girlfriend.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>So, what can you do to keep your marriage healthy and thriving?</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Assess your relationship. </strong><span>Really sit down and take an appraisal:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>When was the last time you two had fun together?</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>How would you rate your sex life?</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>Do you take romantic trips together?</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>Do you listen to one another?</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>Do you fight fairly?</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>Are you both happy with your marriage?</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>Do you respect and like each other?</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>Do you do sweet things for each other?</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>Has your spouse shared feelings of discontent and unhappiness in the marriage? Have you ignored that or gotten defensive about it?</em></p>
<span>Then take action and make the necessary changes. </span><strong>Maintenance on your marriage needs to be daily.</strong><span> If you have concerns, bring them up to your spouse without accusations. Don’t become pathetic, whiny, or enraged - simply have a discussion. </span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em><em> </em></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2017-05-13T21:05:00ZWhy Getting Over an Ex Is So HardStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Getting-Over-an-Ex-Is-So-Hard/-87304277255488277.html2017-05-10T17:23:00Z2017-05-10T17:23:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Why does it seem so difficult to get over someone, even if you know that he or she was bad for you? Here are four of the biggest reasons:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. You refuse to let go. </strong><span>Even if the relationship was crappy, you were emotionally invested. You were dependent on it, needy of it, and filled by it in some way. It was a huge part of your identity and security. However, you can’t swim to the other side of the pool unless you let go of the side you’re on. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. You would rather have the devil you know. </strong><span>Whatever is familiar, even if it’s horrible, is more comfortable than anticipating the unfamiliar. That’s why it feels easier and more secure to stay in a rotten situation.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. You won’t take off the rose-colored glasses. </strong><span>You allow a few nice moments or characteristics to minimize all the bad. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span> </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. You want closure. </strong><span>You think that if only he or she would explain what happened, then you could let go. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. You would find a way to argue with it, deny it, or manipulate it. Basically, you would do just about anything </span><em>but </em><span>use it to move on. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>If you have been hanging on to an ex, I strongly recommend that you go into therapy because at some point, it’s no longer about the relationship - it’s about your neediness. We are all needy, but you have to address that neediness in a healthy way.</span></p>
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<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
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</span>Staff2017-05-10T17:23:00Z4 Myths About LoveStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/4-Myths-About-Love/-901302740822947768.html2017-05-03T15:35:00Z2017-05-03T15:35:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2c4ed2e0-3e02-8c82-7fb0-bed3769e2c71"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-108e2195-3e08-ace3-20b3-d59688bec564"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-53c95926-498f-98a1-0535-5fc631c691b5">
<p dir="ltr"><span>It’s not hard to get mixed up about what love is when you watch movie after movie where people meet each other, have sex, and 20 minutes later, fall in love. People wait for that hysterical feeling of bouncing up and down like popcorn heating up, but in reality, that’s just infatuation. Infatuation keeps you around in the beginning long enough to really get to know each other and determine if you can survive rough patches together.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are some of the most common myths about love:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Love is grand gestures. </strong><span>Love is not constant romance and flowers. It’s waking up with morning breath and still kissing. In real life, </span><strong>love is making little sacrifices for the person you love, and the romance is in the details.</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Love is having butterflies. </strong><span>Butterflies are the nervous tension you feel when you’re nervous or insecure about a situation. If you still have butterflies, frankly there’s something wrong with the relationship. By now, you should feel comfortable and loved. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Love is enough. </strong><span>When people say they’ve “grown apart”, it really means that they have both decided to be self-centered and stop acting sweet and giving. You have to </span><em>make</em><span> the connection happen. </span><strong>Love is a verb</strong><span> - it requires you to go out of your way to make the person you love happy. It’s about waking up in the morning and having your first conscious thought be, </span><em><strong>“How can I make this person happy they are alive and married to me?” </strong></em></p>
<strong>4. Love is the only feeling you need to be happy.</strong><span> You need to have your own passions, hobbies, friends, activities, and sense of self separate from your relationship. You cannot count on somebody else to make you happy ALL of the time.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><strong><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! <br /> </em></strong><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2017-05-03T15:35:00Z8 Tips for Dealing with Crappy PeopleStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/8-Tips-for-Dealing-with-Crappy-People/-697205746317472073.html2017-05-01T17:05:00Z2017-05-01T17:05:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da">
<p dir="ltr"><span>There are lots of difficult, mean, and self-centered people out there. Maybe you have one (or several) in your family, in your neighborhood, at work, or in your church.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>What’s the best way to deal with them? Follow these tips:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Don’t try to make rational sense out of their behavior. </strong><span>Rational sense can only be found in rational situations, and crappy people are not rational.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Minimize contact. </strong><span>You may not be able to eliminate contact altogether if you have to go to family gatherings or business meetings. But avoid what you can.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Keep your cool. </strong><span>You cannot fight every battle.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Stop personalizing.</strong><span> If someone behaves the same way towards everyone else as they do towards you, then don’t take it so personally.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>5. Don’t confront them. </strong><span>People generally don’t hit their foreheads and say, </span><em>“Oh, my gosh! You’re so right! I can’t believe I was being so crappy!” </em><span>That’s very rare. If you do confront someone, do it to tell them off and disconnect, not to work anything out.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>6. Separate the person from the situation. </strong><span>Sometimes, it’s not that the other person is crappy but rather a situation, bad piece of information, or philosophical difference is causing the problem.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>7. Use humor. </strong><span>Crappy people hate when you use humor because it shows that you’re not upset.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>8. Toughen up. </strong><span>Bullies are cowards and don’t like strength. Weakness, passiveness, and compliance makes you a target. Stand your ground.</span></p>
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<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span>Staff2017-05-01T17:05:00Z6 Tips for Resolving Family ConflictsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Tips-for-Resolving-Family-Conflicts/147901371686411233.html2017-04-26T17:37:00Z2017-04-26T17:37:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-069f9cdc-801a-33b8-4c6f-435b7dcb3429"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3bddf1e3-805e-af49-5ad7-9fb4c6bada47"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0bccc2bc-8068-0995-86cb-1cd6e0f0a821"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6a49ae8b-8071-2143-c4c9-15ff6e2c4704"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-45b08dd9-8075-f0df-aa46-ef0d097ad765"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-54521ee1-80af-84c9-8ddb-3d9599bbc482"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-298c57c1-80b5-8cfb-e15a-130bfa62cf0f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-12596d51-80ba-a24d-541f-fcc41086b3f4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c3e7659f-80be-31df-b764-e1702e3497ea"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1f5b167f-80c5-25a7-3d0d-3790fb29d53f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-51e605f0-80cd-18f1-3a6f-0bddf60b1f62"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-581fe784-80d5-5715-7496-948dcdde34d0">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Whether it’s a conflict over family get-togethers, sibling rivalry, child discipline, finances, jobs, or in-laws, there are ways to do it without all-out fights. Here’s how:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Cool off. </strong><span>When everybody’s emotions are high, conflicts can’t be resolved - they can only be escalated. </span><strong>Take a walk, count to 10, or excuse yourself to the bathroom.</strong><span> It’s an opportunity to </span><strong>choose your response rather than just react.</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Don’t be incriminating.</strong><span> Starting out with, </span><span>“<em>You did/didn’t ______!”</em></span><span>, only makes the other person want to fire back. Instead, say something like, </span><em>“I thought we agreed that you would clean up the kitchen.” </em><span>You are conveying the same information, but it’s done with less ferocity. Remember, </span><strong>your mentality should be “us against the world”, not “us against each other.”</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Hear the other person out. </strong><span>Sit down and ask the other person to state his or her point of view and feelings. It’s amazing how people calm down when they’re heard all the way out without interruptions or comments.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Own your part. </strong><span>There’s barely ever a conflict where both parties don’t have some degree of responsibility.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>5. Try to find a win-win solution. </strong><span>If two kids are fighting over toys, you sit them down and come up with five ways to solve the problem so nobody is upset. The same goes for adults. Try to develop a solution that allows both people to win.</span></p>
<strong>6. Let it go. </strong><span>Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree, and do it without hostility.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
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</span>Staff2017-04-26T17:37:00ZWhat You Will Regret the MostStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-You-Will-Regret-the-Most/948345301017006719.html2017-04-24T15:57:00Z2017-04-24T15:57:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-069f9cdc-801a-33b8-4c6f-435b7dcb3429"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3bddf1e3-805e-af49-5ad7-9fb4c6bada47"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0bccc2bc-8068-0995-86cb-1cd6e0f0a821"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6a49ae8b-8071-2143-c4c9-15ff6e2c4704"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-45b08dd9-8075-f0df-aa46-ef0d097ad765"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-54521ee1-80af-84c9-8ddb-3d9599bbc482"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-298c57c1-80b5-8cfb-e15a-130bfa62cf0f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-12596d51-80ba-a24d-541f-fcc41086b3f4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c3e7659f-80be-31df-b764-e1702e3497ea">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Many people look back on their lives filled with all sorts of regrets. Here are some of the most common things people wish they had done differently:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Romance.</strong><span> They spent their 20s being in love with people who didn’t love them. They wish they could take back all of the time they wasted on the romantic drama, but they can’t.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Children.</strong><span> They assumed that unlike career accomplishments, kids just happen. Then they hit 40 and their eggs are old because they put their priorities in the wrong place. Or if they do have kids, they wonder why they aren’t bonded or give a damn about them as adults.</span><span> </span><span>Live on less and participate in your family more.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Parents. </strong><span>Instead of spending time with their parents, they rebelled or gave them a hard time. You cannot negotiate with death; it’s final, often sudden, and very personal. When your parent dies, a door is closed that will never open again. So if you have good parents, stay connected as long as you can.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>It’s ironic that people are more likely to stay connected to bad parents than good parents. The reason is, if you had good parents, you’re probably happy and doing well in life. But if you had really bad parents, you spend your time trying to turn them into good parents. Instead of getting on with your life, you stay inexorably and unhealthily connected to your bad parents.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Education/Career.</strong><span> They wish they had followed their dreams instead of going to college and doing what their parents expected them to do. Instead of believing in their talents, passions, and dreams, they got a post-secondary education that ended up in mounting student loans and a place in the job hunting pack.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>I almost did that. In order to prove to my dad that I was super smart, I earned my Ph.D. in physiology from Columbia University. However, when all was said and done, I pursued my credentials in psychology because I preferred to be a therapist (which my dad thought was crap). I figure that I have helped more people doing my passion than I would have experimenting with mice and learning cell theories. You have to ask yourself what you really want to do. What do you enjoy? What’s your passion? Most people in college shouldn’t really be there because they’re not learning anything of value to them, and they’re not on the road to where they want to be.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Bad Health.</strong><span> They regret not taking care of their bodies or getting the psychological help they needed.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Friendship</strong><span><strong>. </strong>They feel bad about putting everything above maintaining friendships and not asking for help when they needed it. </span></p>
<strong>Finances. </strong><span>They wish they hadn’t worried so much about money and taken more chances. A lot of people will tell you that if you quit a certain job, you won’t find anything else. But you will.</span></span> </span></span></span><span id="docs-internal-guid-1f0605b4-807b-8870-4772-eb45388cc91f"> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
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</span>Staff2017-04-24T15:57:00ZHow to Avoid Resentment in Your RelationshipStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Avoid-Resentment-in-Your-Relationship/-306334092279858446.html2017-04-20T16:27:00Z2017-04-20T16:27:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-069f9cdc-801a-33b8-4c6f-435b7dcb3429"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3bddf1e3-805e-af49-5ad7-9fb4c6bada47"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0bccc2bc-8068-0995-86cb-1cd6e0f0a821">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Resentment in relationships is almost impossible to fix. That’s why you need to try to avoid it in the first place.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>At the basic core of resentment is non-communication, which makes it grow and grow in malignant ways.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are my tips to avoid resentment:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Acknowledge your feelings, even the crappy ones</strong><span><strong>. </strong>Your feelings won’t go away. They just build up and make you less loving, caring, sweet, and attentive. When your feelings are hurt, say that your feelings are hurt right then and there. Don’t ignore your feelings.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Create mental lists. </strong><span>For every negative thing about your spouse, come up with five good things. Sometimes thinking about the good can temper our annoyances.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be patient with your spouse’s peculiarities. </strong><span>Everybody has their peculiarities, including you. Maybe you need to be more patient and forgiving because after all, you want your spouse to be forgiving of your peculiarities.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. </strong><span>When I was in private practice, I had couples defend each other’s point of view. For example, the spouse who said, </span><em>“I’m really angry that you never clean the dishes,” </em><span>had to defend the spouse who doesn’t do the dishes, and vice versa. It’s amazing how most people struggle against doing this exercise because it means accepting that there’s another side and that they are not absolutely right.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Know when to say no. </strong><span>It’s only natural to feel resentment when you’re trying to be all things to all people all of the time. Stop attempting to kiss everyone’s butt to make them like you.</span></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
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</span>Staff2017-04-20T16:27:00Z7 Signs You're Raising Your Boy to Be a Total Relationship FailureStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/7-Signs-Youre-Raising-Your-Boy-to-Be-a-Total-Relationship-Failure/-847971255824835913.html2017-04-19T16:33:00Z2017-04-19T16:33:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-9a903118-870f-b84f-39de-af2a5694572c">
<p dir="ltr"><span>We often hear that it takes a father to raise a boy into a man, but mothers also have </span><span>a lot </span><span>to do with it. Here are some of the common ways moms turn their sons into relationship failures:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You allow your boyfriend or husband to treat you badly. </strong><span>If your partner berates, criticizes, or demeans you and you let it happen, your boy is going to think that’s normal and follow suit.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You push away every obstacle in front of him.</strong><span> You do his homework and projects, and always bail him out. I understand you want your kid to do well, but pushing every challenge out of the way doesn’t build strength or character - it deprives your child of important life skills.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You praise him a lot for things he hasn’t done. </strong><span>Warmth, support, and praise are vital to every child, but not when it’s phony. It’s a sure ticket to creating a little narcissist.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You treat him like your friend or therapist. </strong><span>It’s healthy and normal to have a close relationship with your son, however, it becomes what we call “covert incest” when you turn to your child for emotional support rather than your spouse, friends, or family. It’s a form of abuse.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You act nasty and cold towards your spouse. </strong><span>If you’re dismissive of your spouse, your child will subconsciously do the same.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You make empty threats. </strong><span>Don’t make threats that you haven’t already prepared to follow through on. Backing down and giving in teaches your boy to not take you (and others) seriously.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You ignore red flags.</strong> If everyone from teachers to neighbors to cops are warning you about your child, you need to acknowledge it and do something about it rather than living in denial.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span>Staff2017-04-19T16:33:00Z9 Ways to Be a Good ParentStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/9-Ways-to-Be-a-Good-Parent/725059748114131088.html2017-04-17T15:57:00Z2017-04-17T15:57:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e6067883-7ca2-793d-f772-b864a88839b8">
<p dir="ltr"><span>There is no way to be a perfect parent. But there are a million ways to be a good one. Here are 9 of the most important ones:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be there</strong><span><strong>.</strong> You can’t be good at anything if you don’t show up - parenting included. Make sure you go to all their events (dance recitals, sporting activities, school plays, etc.). Don’t let your career or hobbies devour your time. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Listen.</strong><span> Show that you’re interested in their thoughts feelings, opinions, and activities. I saw in the news that a school in Scotland put up a sign at three entrances asking for parents to not be on their phones when they pick up their children after class. The sign, which reads, “Greet your child with a smile, not a mobile,” calls for parents to interact with their kids and aims to encourage pupils to have discussions with their families at the end of the day. I couldn’t agree more. Put your phone down when you’re eating dinner or picking up your kids. One of my consistent favorite memories when my son was growing up was having mother-son chats when I put him to bed every night. He would lie under the covers all tucked in and I’d lie down on top of the covers next to him and stare up at the ceiling. He’d tell me what he was thinking and feeling, what happened that day, or if something was upsetting him. It was a quiet, peaceful, sweet, and intimate time with just my kidlet and me, looking up at the ceiling and chatting.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be consistent.</strong><span> Many parents don’t seem to think kids need rules, boundaries, or consistency. However, it’s just the opposite. Rules and boundaries give your child a sense of security and clarity. They know what’s OK, what’s not OK, and what pleases you and elevates them in your eyes.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be patient. </strong><span>Being patient with kids can be very hard because they will drive you up a wall. But take several breaths, count to 20, and remind yourself that you love your child.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Have fun</strong><span><strong>.</strong> Act silly together and find the humor. One activity I have recommended for years is to make a huge bowl of jello, cover the table with something, and then dump the jello on the table. It’s fun to squish and kids find it hilarious!</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Teach.</strong><span> You are your child’s first teacher, so it’s your job to make learning interesting to them. Read books, visit museums, and take trips to the zoo. Make learning something that is normal, natural, and exciting.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Apologize. </strong><span>When you blow it (and we all do) apologize. If you yelled or were wrong, say you’re sorry. Believe it or not, your child will actually be more likely to apologize to you as well.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Tell them you love them. </strong><span>You can never overdose a kid in telling them you love them. Hug them, kiss them, and hold their hand.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do your best. </strong>Look at the beautiful smile on your child’s face and know you’re doing well.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_041717.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-04-17T15:57:00Z5 Tips for Saying NoStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Tips-for-Saying-No/-201718402612039709.html2017-04-14T14:56:00Z2017-04-14T14:56:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2a1d2e1f-6cf8-36d4-09f4-a129ed425aa1">
<p dir="ltr"><span>When you were 2 years old, you probably had no trouble saying no. But when you get to be decades older, “no” becomes a terrifying impossibility. You don’t want to let anyone down, hurt their feelings, or make them mad at you. Yet, despite how complicated everyone wants to make it, saying no is incredibly simple. Here’s how you do it:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Say it with a pleasant expression on your face.</strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Lightly touch the other person on the hand, arm, or shoulder.</strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Keep it short and simple. </strong><span>You don’t have to explain yourself. Just say, “I’m so sorry to disappoint you.” If they press you for more information, stick with that mantra: “I’m so sorry to disappoint you, but I really can’t.” Don’t give excuses or explanations.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t say, “Perhaps some other time.” </strong><span>They’ll be back!</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>End it by wishing the other person well.</strong><span> Say, “I hope the party/job/trip goes well.” It’s gracious, and you make it clear that it’s over.</span></p>
</li>
</ol>
<p dir="ltr"><span>That’s it! The more you do it, the better you’ll get at it. If you don’t, everybody else will own your life and you won’t. If you want to be the master of your own life, you have to learn how to say no nicely, with no excuses and no explanations.</span></p>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_041417.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-04-14T14:56:00Z6 Possible Reasons You're in a Sexless MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Possible-Reasons-Youre-in-a-Sexless-Marriage/-507575412439417242.html2017-04-14T05:12:00Z2017-04-14T05:12:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-4ef5192e-32e4-36c6-62ef-13f7c46ad3b3"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-9eecb9fd-32f3-ea06-1057-afc08631c566"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-998513a6-e3ea-c337-52df-22f158c54160"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a0c066c-1af7-688c-1a5f-7825cb37f1fa"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2db0d35b-1ffa-8bda-e7cd-5fe5b2cc887c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0e8b16ae-34d5-cc01-d32a-1478a1357f56"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-af09f3c2-3743-338c-f1f1-26cb40ca16a5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-510eff35-3760-f720-92cb-a06d06899b37">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Are you and your spouse not clicking like you used to in the bedroom? Here are some of the possible reasons why you’re not having sex:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Health issues. </strong><span>The first thing I always recommend to couples struggling with sex is that they each get a full medical checkup to make sure something isn’t wrong healthwise.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Exhaustion. </strong><span>As parents, students, volunteers, and/or employees, many of you simply don’t have enough energy for sex, and that’s a problem. Self-care is very important, and sex really is part of self-care. When you let yourself get depleted, you have nothing more to give - even to yourself.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Anger and resentment. </strong><span>Resentment can start out small, but if you don’t talk about it, it becomes a big deal. Many people don’t communicate when they’re angry and hurt because they figure the other person doesn’t care and they’re not going to do anything about it anyway. Then, 10-15 years down the line, somebody is having an affair and/or walking out the door, leaving the other person thinking, “I thought we had a great relationship.” Well, you thought so because nobody was talking.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Complaints and criticism. </strong><span>When women are hypercritical of men, it just about kills the man’s sex drive. Men already have a lot of performance anxiety as it is. When they feel seriously criticized by their women, they shut down. Pay attention to how much complaining and criticizing you do. Put things in a nice way. If your spouse comes home late, instead of immediately getting on their case, say, “You know, I feel such a wave of love when you walk through that door.” Do you think that person is going to want to come home late again?</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Bad technique. </strong><span>For a man to have good sex, he needs his woman to look and act as though she’s really enjoying it. For a woman to have good sex, she needs her man to know what he’s doing and to make sure she is satisfied.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Insecurity.</strong> When one of you is very insecure, immature, needy, or naggy, the relationship changes from a love relationship to a caretaking one. That’s not sexy.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span>
<ul>
</ul>
</span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_041317_1.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span> </span>Staff2017-04-14T05:12:00ZConversations You Should Never Have in Front of Your KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Conversations-You-Should-Never-Have-in-Front-of-Your-Kids/285162413453233803.html2017-04-10T13:38:00Z2017-04-10T13:38:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-d3a90ab3-5816-2bbc-9dce-d476bc04f797">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Kids are the most technically advanced mechanisms for hearing ever known to man. Which is why we need to be careful about what we say around them. Here are 5 conversations you should never have in front of your kids:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Serious arguments. </strong><span>If you’re going to have an argument or serious discussion, do it in a safe place where the kids can’t overhear (in the basement, out in the garage, etc.) Kids eavesdrop, and when they hear you and your spouse raising your voices at each other, it scares them. Plus, when you’re in that mode, you say things you don’t mean, but it stays in your child’s head forever.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Finances. </strong><span>Kids can feel anxiety, and if there’s one thing people get anxious about, it’s finances. Even though children don’t completely understand the concept of finances, they definitely understand that you’re freaking out.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Gossip. </strong><span>Don’t gossip about others in front of your children. They’ll pick it up and run with it, and they’ll become gossips themselves.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Kid-bashing. </strong><span>If you’re talking to your friend on the phone and your child overhears you saying things like, “My idiot son,” or, “My annoying daughter,” it’s absolutely devastating. Never speak negatively about your child unless you’re alone in your therapist’s office.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Negative self-talk.</strong> If you’re always beating up on yourself, two things will happen. 1) Your child will lose respect for you, and 2) He or she will also learn to do it. </p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_041017.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-04-10T13:38:00Z7 Marriage Mistakes All Couples MakeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/7-Marriage-Mistakes-All-Couples-Make/-994544214448132448.html2017-04-08T23:32:00Z2017-04-08T23:32:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2c4ed2e0-3e02-8c82-7fb0-bed3769e2c71"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-108e2195-3e08-ace3-20b3-d59688bec564"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-53c95926-498f-98a1-0535-5fc631c691b5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f68af0c0-4999-1699-2455-5dcb80020b9e">
<p dir="ltr"><span>If you truly care about your spouse, you have to act like it. Here are some of the most common marriage mistakes couples make:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Screaming.</strong><span> There is absolutely no justification for yelling at your spouse. If you’re upset about something, count to 15, and then calmly express yourself.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Ignoring. </strong><span>If you’re actually too upset to talk, just say, </span><em>“I’m not ignoring you. I just need to take a little time-out to pull myself together, and then I’ll be good to go.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Trying to agree on everything. </strong><span>Coming to a complete consensus on every issue is not going to happen. If you have a difference of opinion, ask yourselves who cares more or is impacted the most. Then let that person make the decision and take the responsibility. However, if you’re not willing to accept the responsibility for something, you can’t bitch about it later.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Making assumptions.</strong><span> Don’t assume anything! If you want to know something, ASK.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>5. Not communicating.</strong><span> A lot of problems can be avoided if you simply talk to each other. For example:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“I’d really appreciate it if you would…”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“I was disappointed that this didn’t happen. Can we talk about it?”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>6. Lying. </strong><span>If you ever think,</span><em> “Boy, I hope my spouse never finds out about this,”</em><span> then don’t do it.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>7. Not making your spouse a priority. </strong><span>Your spouse needs to be adored and appreciated, and given affection, attention, and compliments. Get your pride and ego out of the way, and stop dwelling on what </span><em>you</em><span> should be getting. </span><span> </span></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><strong><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! <br /> </em></strong><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2017-04-08T23:32:00ZSmall Habits That Steal Your HappinessStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Small-Habits-That-Steal-Your-Happiness/309992854057643721.html2017-04-06T14:41:00Z2017-04-06T14:41:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-4ef5192e-32e4-36c6-62ef-13f7c46ad3b3"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-9eecb9fd-32f3-ea06-1057-afc08631c566"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-998513a6-e3ea-c337-52df-22f158c54160"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a0c066c-1af7-688c-1a5f-7825cb37f1fa"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2db0d35b-1ffa-8bda-e7cd-5fe5b2cc887c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0e8b16ae-34d5-cc01-d32a-1478a1357f56"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-af09f3c2-3743-338c-f1f1-26cb40ca16a5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2525b240-43b2-2656-22cf-6f19b37a76b9"><ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Comparing yourself to others. </strong><span> We each have special talents and blessings. When my son was growing up, I handled the math through algebra, but then I turned it over to Dad because I never met an equilateral triangle that I liked (except when setting up balls to play pool). Geometry was </span><span>not </span><span>my thing. You’re good at what you’re good at, and you’re not good at other things. But so what? You have to be OK with that.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Holding on to the past. </strong><span>There’s ugly and disappointing crap in everybody’s past. You can learn from it, but you can’t dwell there. Forgive yourself and let it go.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Holding grudges.</strong><span> We have all had people in our lives who have intentionally screwed us over. You don’t have to forgive them, but you can’t walk around festering in it. You have to get on with the pieces of your life that you do have.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Not taking care of yourself.</strong><span> I have gotten a manicure every week of my entire adult life because when I look down at my nails, I feel good. Getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, and taking showers simply makes you feel better and happier. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Trying to fit in where you don’t (or even want to) fit in.</strong><span> Fitting in may make you feel happy in the short term, but in the long run, you’re going to be disgusted with yourself because of the compromises you have made.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Taking on jobs that you hate</strong><span><strong>.</strong> When you hate what you’re doing, you don’t perform well and you’re not happy. Now, there are times when you have to do whatever it takes just to survive, but that’s different. In that case, you should be proud of yourself for doing what you have to do in order to survive and take care of your family.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Multitasking. </strong><span>Multitasking never made anybody happy. I know many of you think it means you have increased intelligence, but by multitasking, you actually put less IQ into each thing than if you did one thing at a time.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Loneliness.</strong><span> Loneliness is oftentimes voluntary because it means you’re not opening your heart, arms, or home to friends. Good friends are a godsend no matter what’s going on in your life.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Complaining.</strong> Some people can look at a beautiful lawn and get obsessed with a piece of crabgrass. It’s easy to have complaints, but spending your time complaining doesn’t get you anywhere.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span>
<ul>
</ul>
</span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_040617_1.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span> </span>Staff2017-04-06T14:41:00ZWhat to Do When You're Feeling OverwhelmedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-to-Do-When-Youre-Feeling-Overwhelmed/703497207844823676.html2017-04-05T04:39:00Z2017-04-05T04:39:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-4ef5192e-32e4-36c6-62ef-13f7c46ad3b3"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-9eecb9fd-32f3-ea06-1057-afc08631c566"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-998513a6-e3ea-c337-52df-22f158c54160"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a0c066c-1af7-688c-1a5f-7825cb37f1fa"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2db0d35b-1ffa-8bda-e7cd-5fe5b2cc887c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0e8b16ae-34d5-cc01-d32a-1478a1357f56"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-af09f3c2-3743-338c-f1f1-26cb40ca16a5">
<p dir="ltr"><span>When you’re overwhelmed, you don’t get into gear. You stop, flounder, and break down. Here are my tips for what to do when you’re feeling stressed out and overwhelmed: </span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Stop and stand back (or at least slow down).</strong><span> Most of you are trying to rush through life, putting emphasis on things that probably ought not matter. Plus, you often miss things when you rush.Take some time to look at your life and see where you have been rushing.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Lower your expectations of yourself and others.</strong><span> You may set ridiculous expectations because it makes you feel better about yourself. However, you’re only setting yourself up for stress and disappointment.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Pick one tiny thing and accomplish it</strong><span><strong>. </strong>Sometimes when I’m feeling overwhelmed about everything I have to do, I’ll take a moment and just unload the dishwasher. It may be a small thing, but when it’s done, I can stand back and say that I have accomplished something.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Reward yourself.</strong><span> Nobody is motivated when you’re mean to them, so don’t be mean to yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back every once in a while instead of always driving yourself into the ground.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Ask for help. </strong><span>Whether it’s a family member, therapist, or friend, people care about you and actually </span><span>want </span><span>to help you. Just say, “I’m frazzled and need to talk,” or, “Can you come over and help me with this?”</span></p>
</li>
</ol></span>
<ul>
</ul>
</span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_040417.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span> </span>Staff2017-04-05T04:39:00ZRomantic Qualities That Really Are Red FlagsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Romantic-Qualities-That-Really-Are-Red-Flags/846039373708072348.html2017-04-03T17:25:00Z2017-04-03T17:25:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-4ef5192e-32e4-36c6-62ef-13f7c46ad3b3"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-9eecb9fd-32f3-ea06-1057-afc08631c566"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-998513a6-e3ea-c337-52df-22f158c54160"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a0c066c-1af7-688c-1a5f-7825cb37f1fa"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2db0d35b-1ffa-8bda-e7cd-5fe5b2cc887c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0e8b16ae-34d5-cc01-d32a-1478a1357f56">
<p dir="ltr"><span>When something seems too good to be true, it usually is. But what about when you think you've found the perfect guy? How do you know you're falling in love and not into a trap? Here are a few romantic behaviors that seem great at first but really are red flags.</span></p>
<ul>
<li><strong>He pushes for sex, shacking up, or marriage way too soon.</strong> When a guy wants to lock you down quickly, it’s not about love. He may use the word “love”, but it’s not. If the relationship can’t last two years of courtship, family, and growing together, it ain’t love.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>He’s a mama’s boy. </strong>Relationships with mothers are like salt in soup - a little bit is wonderful but too much is terrible. You want a guy who will ask for his mother’s input but in no way does she dictate his life. He should be independent and able to make decisions without getting her approval first. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>He makes a point of giving you lots of presents. </strong>It’s not generosity - he’s buying love and sex.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>He always compliments and always shows affection.</strong> The key word here is “always”. You have to be really careful when a guy is in overdrive to do romantic things. His intentions may seem honorable, but they really are disturbed. </li>
</ul>
</span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_040317.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span> </span>Staff2017-04-03T17:25:00ZHow to Apologize - and Mean ItStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Apologize---and-Mean-It/103896073716788623.html2017-03-30T16:13:00Z2017-03-30T16:13:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-4ef5192e-32e4-36c6-62ef-13f7c46ad3b3"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-9eecb9fd-32f3-ea06-1057-afc08631c566"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-998513a6-e3ea-c337-52df-22f158c54160"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a0c066c-1af7-688c-1a5f-7825cb37f1fa"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2db0d35b-1ffa-8bda-e7cd-5fe5b2cc887c">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Each and every one of us has hurt someone else, either intentionally or by accident. When that happens, we need to swallow our pride and own what we did. However, there's a lot more to an apology than just saying, "I'm sorry." Here’s how to apologize and mean it:</span></p>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Never say “but”. </strong><span> If you’re truly being sincere, the word “but” will not appear in your apology because it means you’re trying to turn it around on the other person or come up with some kind of excuse. Any short shrifting in an apology sentence makes it null and void. Don’t try to protect, defend, or excuse yourself.</span></p>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t say, “I’m sorry that you felt hurt.”</strong><span> </span><span> Instead say, “I’m sorry I hurt you.” </span><em>That’s</em><span> taking responsibility. Own your behavior. </span></p>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t try to divvy out blame. </strong><span>Don’t try to share the blame with statements like, “I’m sorry I hurt you but you provoked me,” or, “I’m sorry I hurt you but you asked for it.” When you apologize, own what you did. </span></p>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Find a way to correct it. </strong><span>Figure out a way to repair the situation and indicate that you’re going to control whatever it is you did so you don’t repeat it.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do something nice.</strong> Sometimes people just don’t want to hear it, or they’re not yet open to an apology. Give it some time and try to figure out another way. Send flowers, or do something else nice for them.</p>
</li>
</ul>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_033017.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span> </span>Staff2017-03-30T16:13:00ZFinding Your Purpose in LifeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Finding-Your-Purpose-in-Life/-838640215242311655.html2017-03-29T16:48:00Z2017-03-29T16:48:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-4ef5192e-32e4-36c6-62ef-13f7c46ad3b3"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-9eecb9fd-32f3-ea06-1057-afc08631c566"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-998513a6-e3ea-c337-52df-22f158c54160"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1a0c066c-1af7-688c-1a5f-7825cb37f1fa">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Not everybody can find a cure for cancer. Not everybody can be an astronaut. A lot of times people think of purpose as some grandiose notion that has to be huge and on the front page of a reputable newspaper. It’s not. </span><strong>Your life has purpose if somebody else’s life is improved or made better by you. </strong><span>That could simply be neighbors, friends, or family. It doesn’t have to be something that comes with a ticker tape around it. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>One thing I ask young people is, “What’s your dream?”, because they can get so caught up in the difficulties of adolescence, family, and society that they forget to focus on a purpose for themselves. So what’s </span><em>your </em><span>dream? I don’t care if your dream seems out of your reach. Go after it anyway! Maybe if you set goals and put in the effort, you can get close to that dream or find something else that pleases you better. That’s what I did. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>I wanted to go in to science, so I studied science all the way through college and graduate school, and then I started teaching. Even though I was a good teacher, I realized that it wasn’t what I wanted to do. I accidentally found my purpose by calling in to a radio show and answering the topic of the day. </span></p>
<span>So, have a dream - it doesn’t matter how whacky or far out. As you set goals and move forward, the road towards your dream will probably get you to your purpose. And remember that any time you’re pushing yourself to do something extraordinary, you are going to have doubts and fears of not being good enough. But to quote Winston Churchill, “Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.”</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_032817.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span> </span>Staff2017-03-29T16:48:00ZHow to Know You Are in a Healthy RelationshipStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Know-You-Are-in-a-Healthy-Relationship/-93227217432952238.html2017-03-28T00:17:00Z2017-03-28T00:17:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-4ef5192e-32e4-36c6-62ef-13f7c46ad3b3"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-9eecb9fd-32f3-ea06-1057-afc08631c566"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-998513a6-e3ea-c337-52df-22f158c54160">
<p dir="ltr"><span>There are a number of qualities which indicate that you’re in a healthy relationship. Here are the ones I think are most important:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You don’t fall apart or get insecure when they’re not around. </strong><span>You have to be able to give each other space to do your own thing and be OK with it. If the other person is not on your radar screen, you can’t be worrying that somehow they are not loving you or thinking about you. That’s death to any relationship.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You can say the truth of what’s on your mind (in a nice way, of course).</strong><span> In an unhealthy relationship, you’re afraid to speak the truth because you’re worried that the other person will be mad or won’t like you. However, he or she should be the person you can say anything to, even more than your priest or rabbi.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You share similar values.</strong><span> Sharing similar values makes for compatibility, which corresponds to a long-term positive outcome. Couples need to be on the same page with big things like values, otherwise, there is going to be a lot of tension, especially with children. For example, if one of you is Christian and the other is Jewish, what are you going to teach your kids? That Jesus is the savior on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and just a teacher on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays? Marriages and families do better when you’re all of one mind; it doesn’t matter what that mind is as long as you share it with a passion. Being with somebody who shares your religious, moral, or world view is so important, especially during tough times because there is no arguing about it - there’s just embracing and getting through it together.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You trust each other.</strong><span> Trust means you have placed your confidence and faith in the other person, and you expect honesty, integrity, and loyalty from them. Disloyalty doesn’t just come in the form of infidelity. A lot of people are more loyal to their parents or family members than the person they made vows to in front of God and community.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You’re committed to each other. </strong><span>You need to know that when the tough parts of life rear their ugly head, the other person is going to hunker down and help. When bad things happen to you and you feel like you’re a burden, the other person has to let you know that it’s not true because they are committed to you and that your pain is their pain.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Each of you is always trying to do more for the other person.</strong> Think O. Henry’s <em>The Gift of the Magi</em>. If the two of you are falling over yourselves trying to be the most loving and caring, that’s an indication of a healthy relationship. It’s not complicated - it’s simply being loving and unselfish.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2017-03-28T00:17:00ZHow Dads Shape Their Daughters' RelationshipsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-Dads-Shape-Their-Daughters-Relationships/986309956562090532.html2017-03-26T18:17:00Z2017-03-26T18:17:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-069f9cdc-801a-33b8-4c6f-435b7dcb3429"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3bddf1e3-805e-af49-5ad7-9fb4c6bada47"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0bccc2bc-8068-0995-86cb-1cd6e0f0a821"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6a49ae8b-8071-2143-c4c9-15ff6e2c4704"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-45b08dd9-8075-f0df-aa46-ef0d097ad765">
<p dir="ltr"><span>From birth, fathers play a very important role in the psychological development of their daughters. </span><strong>Dads show their daughters how women deserve to be treated. </strong><span>If a father is abusive or neglectful towards his wife or daughter, his daughter is more likely to develop self-image issues, struggle academically and socially, or end up in bad relationships trying to make a creep change or like her.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>In the good old days, a girl couldn’t date a boy until he came to her house, sat down with her dad, and was given the rules. It showed girls a tremendous amount of protective respect and modeled what she should expect as well.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>The mother-daughter bond is wonderful, but so is the one between a father and his little girl. So dads, show your daughters respect, love, and care, and teach them not to tolerate anything less.</span></p>
</span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
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</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-03-26T18:17:00ZWhat a Man's Relationship with His Mother Says About HimStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-a-Mans-Relationship-with-His-Mother-Says-About-Him/-954321080511226615.html2017-03-23T23:53:00Z2017-03-23T23:53:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-4ef5192e-32e4-36c6-62ef-13f7c46ad3b3"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-9eecb9fd-32f3-ea06-1057-afc08631c566"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-dbcb9d07-e3d2-e4f5-26aa-51dc22ef7d37">
<p dir="ltr"><span>The first and most important person in a man’s life is his mother. That’s why a man’s relationship with his mom can tell you a lot about him. Here’s what you need to watch out for:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span> </span></p>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He avoids his mother. </strong><span>His mom creates anxiety for him. He can’t speak up for himself, and he’s afraid to tell her how he feels because he’s scared she’ll get upset or give him flack. Even if he seems like a nice guy, he will probably struggle with intimacy and be passive aggressive. No matter what you do, you’re not going to win because he associates commitment to a woman with anxiety.</span></p>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He can’t say or do anything without Mommy’s approval</strong><span><strong>.</strong> He may be very sweet to you, but you will never be the queen bee.</span></p>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He openly hates his mother. </strong><span>There are many reasons why this can happen - she disappointed him or she wasn’t there. In any case, he’s only going to be OK with women when they behave exactly the way he wants. He won’t tolerate much deviation from his fantasy.</span></p>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He’s afraid of disappointing her. </strong><span>He’ll do anything to please you because he doesn’t like confrontation. Again, he’ll likely be passive aggressive.</span></p>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He’s completely attached to his mother.</strong><span> It’s like the umbilical cord was never cut. He tells her everything about every issue in his relationships, including your marriage if you decide to move forward with him.</span></p>
</li>
</ul>
<span>On the other hand, if a guy has a simple, honest, and open relationship with his mother, he’s a good bet to be spouse-material because he’s comfortable with women, and also trusts and admires them. If he can talk to her frankly and get feedback without being a mama’s boy, then he’s a well-adjusted dude.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2017-03-23T23:53:00Z5 Ways You Are Destroying Your Child's ConfidenceStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Ways-You-Are-Destroying-Your-Childs-Confidence/-744562233479380646.html2017-03-21T23:34:00Z2017-03-21T23:34:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8ea287f1-e3c4-5a67-3e66-a077d041aa46">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Under the guise of helping, caring, loving, and supporting, many parents actually end up doing more harm than good. Here are 5 ways you are unintentionally destroying your child’s confidence:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You don’t treat your child as their own person. </strong><span>As Mr. Rogers used to say, “Everybody is special, and everybody is different.” Your child is an individual human being. I have had parents of adults call my show complaining that they are not happy with their child’s career choice. They tell me, “I’d much rather that they did ____.” Well, who asked your opinion? It’s their life, not yours. Signing your kids up for music lessons to try something new is good, but forcing them to keep taking lessons when they hate it is not. Let your kids indulge in the things they’re passionate about. That will lead them somewhere. If you kill their passion, the only place it will lead is drugs or living in your basement when they’re 30. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You compare them to their siblings. </strong><span>Comparing your child to their siblings is like saying that you don’t like who they are. The only person you should compare your child to is themselves (e.g. “I see that you’re applying yourself a lot more than you were before. I’m really impressed.”).</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You are overprotective. </strong><span>Let your child figure out how to deal with certain things on their own.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You belittle their mistakes.</strong> Kids make mistakes, and they don’t need you to constantly remind them of their bad decisions and failures. Instead, brainstorm with them on how to fix problems, and give them the encouragement they need to right their wrongs.</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You have unrealistic expectations. </strong>Maybe your child isn’t capable of all A’s in every subject. So what? You may think you’re being motivational, but you’re really being destructive.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_032117.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-03-21T23:34:00ZWhat to Do When You're No Longer Attracted to Your SpouseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-to-Do-When-Youre-No-Longer-Attracted-to-Your-Spouse/906452653905847141.html2017-03-20T23:20:00Z2017-03-20T23:20:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e9a8fc1-e3b5-5773-cedc-1a3520364af8">
<p dir="ltr"><span>If you’re no longer attracted to your spouse, you may think your only option is to wait until the kids are up and out, and then leave. However, there are a few things you can do before you throw away everything you had:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Take a look in the mirror.</strong><span> As we get older, our bodies and appearances change. That’s life. Look in the mirror - it has happened to you too. You’re not the hottie you were either.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Focus on the positive. </strong><span>Sometimes you’re simply focusing on all the wrong things. If you sit there all the time fixating on what’s negative, all you’re going to have in your head is negative stuff.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Compliment. </strong><span>Compliments are the best way to motivate someone. For example, saying, “When you spiffed up on Saturday, you looked hot,” or, “You look fabulous in those jeans,” really motivates people.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Make an effort to look nice. </strong><span>Most of the time when people are married for a while, they come home and get slobby. Why don’t both of you put on something comfortable but attractive instead of the same ill-fitting sweats?</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Touch.</strong><span> Touch their face, neck, arm, and back. I am furious when I see couples walking down the street not holding hands. Why am I furious? Because they are missing an opportunity to stay connected. </span><strong>If you have somebody, don’t take them for granted.</strong></p>
</li>
</ol><span>The bottom line is, </span><strong>it’s about what you can put into the situation that will change how attractive the other person seems.</strong></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_032017.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-03-20T23:20:00ZIf You Have a Problem with Someone, Talk to Them!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/If-You-Have-a-Problem-with-Someone,-Talk-to-Them!/-758546631827340584.html2017-03-20T01:14:00Z2017-03-20T01:14:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-28e3e57f-49a7-75aa-1226-d9657d71f15f">
<p dir="ltr"><span>The biggest problem in relationships is miscommunication.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Every day on my show, people call to ask me how to deal with issues they’re having with spouses, parents, and other family members. When I ask them if they have asked that person about it, the response I typically get is, </span><em>“Well, no.” </em><span>It’s like people don’t really want to know the answer. However, if you do find out, at least one of two things can happen:<br /></span></p>
<ol>
<li><strong>You won’t have to suffer anymore.</strong></li>
<li><strong>Something might actually get resolved.</strong></li>
</ol></span>
<p dir="ltr"><span>So, when you are having a problem with another person, </span><em>talk</em><span> to</span><span> </span><span>them about it. Make sure you </span><strong>speak how you would want to be spoken to</strong><span>. If you start out with an attack, you’ll end up with a war. However, if you begin with kindness and clarity, you’ll have a much easier time dealing with the entire situation. When you’re talking to your spouse and have something to say that’s a little edgy, start out with,</span><em> “Sweetie, ....” </em><span>Always begin positive, and then frame whatever it is you want them to know.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Then, </span><strong>ask for a response.</strong><span> Sometimes people won’t answer your questions or acknowledge your feelings. Sit there and say, </span><em>“I need a response. I need to understand what you’re thinking and feeling.” </em><strong>Never assume you know how someone else feels.</strong></p>
<span>Talking something out doesn’t mean you’re going to get your way or be happy with what you hear. But at least you have the important information.</span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>Staff2017-03-20T01:14:00ZHow Yelling Affects KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-Yelling-Affects-Kids/459461082349071724.html2017-03-16T17:23:00Z2017-03-16T17:23:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bc69bc99-d822-60fc-4581-fb748e263621">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Parents yell at their kids because they’re frustrated, frazzled, or have unrealistic expectations. They’re overwhelmed with too much on their plates, and they’re not mature or brave enough to only do what they are capable of doing well. Yet, regardless of the reason, </span><strong>yelling is very destructive to kids.</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>There are essentially two types of yelling. One is an expression of anger. The other is accompanied by verbal insults (“You’re stupid,” “You’re worthless”, etc.). Angry yelling scares kids and makes them insecure. If the yelling comes with put-downs and insults, it’s abuse. In either case, kids who are yelled at grow up with a lot of anxiety and are often very aggressive. They are also more susceptible to bullying because their understanding of relationships is someone bullying them.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Additionally, </span><strong>yelling does nothing to enforce discipline.</strong><span> Kids who feel a strong emotional connection to their parents rather than fear are easier to discipline and actually remember what you told them. If you just yell at your kids, they don’t know what to do. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Once when my son was 8, I yelled at him for something totally unwarranted, and I still feel bad about it to this day. At the time, my family was poor. I had a local radio show paying me virtually nothing, and I couldn’t even afford to get my son a second pair of shoes. The Power Rangers were starting to get very popular, and I found somebody to sell me two Power Ranger action figures for a small amount of money, just to be nice. I was so happy, and I couldn’t wait to give them to my son. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Now, what I didn’t know is that these action figures were poorly made because if you held them by the arms and squeezed, the arms would pop out. And sure enough, minutes after I gave the Power Rangers to my son, he squeezed one and the arms popped out. I completely lost it. I yelled at him like he intentionally broke it. I yelled like a stupid, out of control, crazy woman. Yet, it had nothing to do with him. It was the financial stress of trying to support my family on a minimal income and everything I had gone through to get them for him. I still remember to this day in shame about what an ass I was, yelling at a little kid when the manufacturers were the problem. Fortunately, because this type of thing was an extremely rare occurrence, my son (now 31) and I have a great relationship (I have since apologized to him for the Power Ranger incident, by the way). However, if your standard M.O. is to always yell, you’re not going to have a very good relationship with your kids when they’re adults.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>So, </span><span><strong>what can you do instead of yelling</strong>?</span><span> What I </span><em>should </em><span>have done in that moment. I should have walked out of the room, gone into the bathroom, closed the door, and cried it out because really the yelling was about my piled-up stress, not my son. I should then have come back in and said either we fix this thing or we call the company and give them hell because this should not have been so easily broken by a little kid (he didn’t slam it into a wall or anything). </span></p>
<span>As parents, </span><strong>being angry and frustrated are reasonable emotions, but we can’t display them unreasonably.</strong><span> Sometimes you have to give yourself a timeout to see what you are actually angry about. Bathrooms are great places to do that. Now, if your child has actually misbehaved, remember that’s a part of growing up. </span><span><strong>Kids are not born knowing the rules. They are learning them as they go along, and if you scream at them, they don’t learn much.</strong></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-03-16T17:23:00Z6 Tips to Help You Deal with Your AnxietyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Tips-to-Help-You-Deal-with-Your-Anxiety/556685800749942904.html2017-03-14T16:42:00Z2017-03-14T16:42:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e573f40f-c891-3314-a91a-3cb401eb2467"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8f6b4b2b-cdb0-ee5f-47ae-9f23caa0fc22">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Anxiety isn’t something that goes away easily or permanently. However, even though you can’t completely cure it, you </span><em>can </em><span>develop strategies to reduce your anxiety and learn how to live with it. Here are my tips to help you deal with your anxiety:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Exercise. </strong><span>The value of exercise is amazing - it increases blood flow, produces neurotransmitters, and calms anxiety symptoms. Exercise is by no means a cure, but it’s a temporarily relief and my treatment of choice. If you have an anxiety disorder, you really need to exercise more.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Take the right medication. </strong><span>A lot of people think medicine is a permanent fix. I think it just puts the dragon in the dungeon (and the dungeon is still there holding the dragon). Plus, there are side effects. For these reasons, I suggest people not use anti-anxiety medication every day, but rather just when it’s over the top. Anti-anxiety medications work within 10-15 minutes whereas antidepressants, which deal with anti-anxiety, sometimes take weeks to have an impact and always have side effects. That being said, there are many people who swear by their antidepressants and feel saved, so it’s definitely specific to the individual.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Learn relaxation techniques. </strong><span>Meditate, pray, or listen to oldies rock and roll.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Sleep. </strong><span>If you’re not sleeping, go to bed earlier. It’s very important for people with anxiety to not skimp on sleep.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Add more fun to your life.</strong> If your work causes you a lot of anxiety, try to make the work fun. Invent little games for yourself that you can do without impacting the work.</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Find healthy distractions. </strong><span>Distractions are a very important tool for controlling anxiety. Creating art is a really good one. Making something gives you a sense of accomplishment, which is a powerful anxiety reducer.</span></p>
</li>
</ol>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Basically, you have to find ways to bring pleasure, joy, and peace into your life. Otherwise, you obsess about the anxiety, and anxiety loves to be obsessed over. </span><strong>Worry feeds worry and only becomes bigger.</strong></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-03-14T16:42:00ZTips for Dealing with Angry PeopleStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Tips-for-Dealing-with-Angry-People/965180259347086531.html2017-03-13T16:50:00Z2017-03-13T16:50:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e573f40f-c891-3314-a91a-3cb401eb2467">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Most of us encounter confrontational or hostile people every now and again. And even though your first instinct may be to act hostile back, what you choose to do can completely turn the tables. Here are my tips for dealing with angry people:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Avoid them</strong><span><strong>.</strong> As my martial arts teacher used to say, the first thing you do when there’s clearly going to be a physical confrontation is to get out of Dodge because it doesn’t matter who’s better at it, somebody is going to get hurt.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t fight back.</strong><span> Excuse yourself somehow, and don’t attack back. Attacking back just escalates the situation. If you criticize, mock, or show contempt (even if they deserve it), you’re only going to make things worse. If you can keep completely calm in your facial expressions, your tone, and your choice of words, it will help to not escalate the situation.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Talk to them once they’ve calmed down.</strong><span> Think about a cat that’s cornered. When the back goes up and the claws come out, it’s not that the cat is angry - it’s scared. Usually what’s behind anger is weakness. That’s why I suggest not dealing with the person while they are angry, but instead, wait until the person is finished being upset and then talk to them about whatever was behind the anger, such as depression, fear, loss, etc. Once they are calm, just say, “You were pretty angry, and I wondered what was fueling it.”</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>If they are consistently hostile, get them out of your life. </strong>Sometimes people just have bad days or are so overdosed with emotions that all it takes is something small to set them off, and they don’t really mean what they’re saying. However, if it’s typical for someone to explode, it’s not a good idea to have that person in your life.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-03-13T16:50:00ZHow to Show Your Kids You Love Each OtherStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Show-Your-Kids-You-Love-Each-Other/-733319074038439700.html2017-03-10T17:44:00Z2017-03-10T17:44:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-ad61b41f-b953-0119-3e60-78985ad944f5">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Kids learn how to treat others by watching what you do. Here are 7 ways you and your spouse can show your kids you love each other:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Talk to each other with kindness. </strong><span>When you want your spouse to do something, </span><em>ask</em><span>, don’t demand. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Call each other silly, cute names. </strong><span>Using affectionate names like “Honey Bear” and “Snookums” shows playfulness. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t badmouth or complain about each other. </strong><span>Many parents use their kids as confidants to whine and complain about their spouse. Don’t do that. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t undermine each other. </strong><span>Unless your spouse is doing something to hurt, damage, or abuse your child, don’t undermine them. If you think a timeout should be shorter or longer, don’t have it out in front of your kids. Instead, discuss it later. Don’t show your kids that they can fight back against a parent or challenge authority. It won’t serve the family because they’ll divide and conquer. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do little things for each other. </strong><span>Coffee, cocoa, or tea in bed. Ironing a shirt. Cooking a meal. Setting up a picnic. Kids need to see you doing sweet things for each other, especially when times are tough. It’s easy to be cooing and eyeing when things are going well, but kids need to see “in sickness and in health”, compassion, empathy, and support. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Surprise each other - and get the kids involved! </strong><span>If Mommy or Daddy ran the 5k today, make a cake with the kids with icing to look like a race and surprise your spouse together. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Show affection. </strong><span>Hug, kiss, touch, snuggle, and be sweet to each other. It’s really important for kids to see that.</span></p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-03-10T17:44:00ZTeaching Kids About Winning and LosingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Teaching-Kids-About-Winning-and-Losing/-135893477434222557.html2017-03-06T17:45:00Z2017-03-06T17:45:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e8be90fc-2f61-c7da-1f88-ba4e6510d360"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f4c36ce8-a4ba-d1ec-1ab0-41cfb969b679">
<p dir="ltr"><span>We all want our children to be competitive and work hard for goals. However, if your kids have to win to be happy, they’re going to spend most of their lives feeling miserable. There are billions of people in the world, and we can’t all win at the same time. That’s why it’s so important to teach kids early about healthy competition and how to be gracious when they win and lose. Here’s how:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr">
<ul>
<li><strong>Encourage cooperation along with competition. </strong>When your kids are little, instead of setting up sibling rivalries with challenges like, “Let’s see which one of you can get dressed first”, try something like, “Let’s see if you can help each other get dressed and beat the timer so you’re both dressed when the timer goes off.” That way, your kids are competing against the clock and cooperating with each other at the same time.</li>
<li><strong>Start small. </strong>When your kids are between 3 and 4 years old, play small games that go by quickly and have a back and forth between the winner and the loser, such as tic-tac-toe and rock-paper-scissors. That way, your child gets used to winning and losing, and the sting of losing is quite reduced. When someone loses, make sure he/she says, “Good for you,” and when someone wins, make sure he/she says, “Nice try.” At 4 or 5, have the games get longer with board games like Sorry and Chutes and Ladders. Then by 6,7, and 8, your kids are ready for serious competition and bigger sports because they have practice at winning and losing.</li>
<li><strong>Emphasize the importance of practice. </strong>If your child is not doing well in school, encourage him/her to study harder, find a study group, ask for more help at school, or get a tutor, not whine about the school or the teacher, or feel dumb and give up. When the going gets tough, your kids need to get going, put in effort, make progress, and learn to work hard at something they want. Whether it’s guitar, swimming, dance, or chess, they have to practice, practice, practice!</li>
<li><strong>Reframe losing as part of the game.</strong> There is no losing without somebody winning, and there is no winning without somebody losing - that’s just the way it is. And sometimes there are variables you can’t control. Some people are simply born with certain bodies or aptitudes for certain things. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t try to make the most of what you have.</li>
</ul>
</p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2017-03-06T17:45:00Z9 Traits of an Alpha MaleStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/9-Traits-of-an-Alpha-Male/-480757551208353025.html2017-03-02T17:54:00Z2017-03-02T17:54:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a011f256-e60c-4833-fc8f-17ee9106fd05"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5f04e60c-902a-0dce-fb85-0bef897309fd">
<p dir="ltr"><span>An alpha male isn’t just a muscular badass. Granted, it’s nice when a man takes pride in his body and his ability to protect, defend and take care of business, but that in and of itself is totally insufficient. An alpha male is also not simply somebody who leads with aggression and fear. That’s an immature jerk with low self-esteem and a sensitive ego.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are some of the personality traits that I think constitute an alpha male:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>An alpha male is courageous.</strong><span> There’s a difference between being fearless and being courageous. Nobody is fearless. We all have certain fears and insecurities. If you think somebody running into combat or a burning building doesn’t have fear, you’re nuts! However, an alpha male rises above his fear and does what needs to be done in spite of it.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>An alpha male controls his emotions. </strong><span>When chaos strikes, he takes some deep breaths and evaluates what the next step is without lashing out, self-medicating with drugs or alcohol, or taking it out on others.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>An alpha male has a purpose to his life.</strong> He never just floats around aimlessly. He has focus and drive.</p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>An alpha male is not afraid to make decisions. </strong><span>A fear of making decisions is actually a fear of dealing with the consequences. An alpha male makes decisions and deals with the consequences.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>An alpha male says what’s on his mind. </strong><span>He’s not a passive-aggressive limp dick or too overly sensitive to speak up for himself and others.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>An alpha male does not become consumed by just one area of his life</strong><span><strong>. </strong>He’s responsible about health, work, love, and friends, and maintains a lifestyle that has a good foundation and diversity.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>An alpha male is not afraid to say no (or yes when everyone around him threatens him with no). </strong> He takes a position, defends it, protects it, stands up for it, and doesn’t cave simply because somebody will be mad. </p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>An alpha male knows his weaknesses and his strengths.</strong><span> He doesn’t get crazy over the fact that he has weaknesses and doesn’t deny his mistakes. He tries to fix and repair them, not hide from them.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>An alpha male looks you straight in the eye.</strong> He’s strong and confident, and it shows.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span><span><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <strong><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a></strong> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily <strong>Call of the Day</strong> and receive her <strong>Daily Dose newsletter</strong>! <br /></em><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/blog_030217.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></span></span>Staff2017-03-02T17:54:00Z10 Ways to Rekindle the Romance in Your MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/10-Ways-to-Rekindle-the-Romance-in-Your-Marriage/-414794991638000542.html2017-03-01T18:34:00Z2017-03-01T18:34:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a098d92c-8b26-819e-a5f5-64b59938e0eb">
<p dir="ltr"><span>You might think that trying to rekindle the romance in your marriage is heavy stuff. However, it’s actually just the opposite. Getting back the love you once had is pretty easy and pleasant, however, many people are too self-centered, stubborn, or lazy to do what it takes. Here are my tips to rekindle the romance in your marriage:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be silly together. </strong><span>Remember how you were when you were first together? Take time out to be silly with each other and make each other laugh. Go to your local petting zoo and be like kids again. Being cute and having fun with each other is a great way to reconnect. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Take walks. </strong><span>Whether you’re big on hiking or like strolls around the block, taking walks - especially at sunrise or sunset - can be very romantic. Walk hand in hand, arm in arm, and shoulder to shoulder looking at how beautiful everything is.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Put your phones away when you’re with each other. </strong><span>Be in the moment rather than thinking about all that outside stuff. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Ride your bikes to a local coffee or smoothie shop.</strong><span> Have something to drink, people-watch, and then ride your bikes home. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Have little adventures together. </strong><span>Look in the local newspaper to see what’s going on near you. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Go out to dinner with just the two of you.</strong><span> It doesn’t have to be anything expensive - just some cute place where you can share an appetizer and a main dish.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Make dinner together.</strong><span> Stand there and chop vegetables together. Or switch it up - go on the Internet, find a ridiculous, ultra-complicated recipe, and then see if you can pull it off together. </span><span> </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Take a trip.</strong><span> You don’t have to spend a bunch of money on a resort. There are tons of options out there where you can rent a house, condo, or an apartment. You can even bring your own food to cook if you need to save money.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Relax together. </strong><span>Light the fireplace if you have one, curl up together, and watch a stupid movie. Fall asleep in each other’s arms. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do something nice. </strong><span>If you know that your spouse really likes something, set it up for him or her to go do.</span></p>
</li>
</ol><span>As you can see, rekindling your romance isn’t rocket science - it simply requires you to be unselfish. Nobody is just happy - happiness is a conglomeration of moments.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_030117(1).jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-03-01T18:34:00ZCurtailing Your Urge to SpendStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Curtailing-Your-Urge-to-Spend/-629070646543284182.html2017-02-27T16:50:00Z2017-02-27T16:50:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-4ef5192e-32e4-36c6-62ef-13f7c46ad3b3"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-9eecb9fd-32f3-ea06-1057-afc08631c566"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-15188d83-66c7-2c75-b91f-b877c1282874"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8044c4fe-6bf9-65d8-7112-e2fc347ad892"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-542ad891-807b-1087-24cc-f902503e2cdf">
<p dir="ltr"><span>It’s fun to go shopping and buy things. For some people, it’s a form of recreation. I certainly understand that, but a lot of money gets wasted. </span><strong>I believe in spending, but I don’t believe in wasting </strong><span>(regardless of whether or not you can afford it).</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>So, how can you curtail your urge to spend?</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t spend as entertainment.</strong><span> Go to the store when you need necessities or something specific. Don’t window-shop for entertainment - that’s a killer. When I was in graduate school, my rule was if I had anything left over at the end of the month after carefully taking care of bills all month long, then it was splurge time.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t spend your time browsing online retail sites.</strong><span> It is so easy to just hit “order” with one click. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Keep a piece of paper and write down the circumstances where you get the urge to spend. </strong><span>Maybe it’s boredom, unhappiness, anger, or frustration. You’ll find out a lot about your emotions and your lifestyle, and you’ll then be able to deal with those emotions.</span></p>
</li>
</ol><span>It’s really that simple: </span><strong>plan to buy things ahead of time, and don’t use spending as entertainment or therapy.</strong></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2017-02-27T16:50:00ZThe 3 Biggest Mistakes Mothers- (and Daughters)-in-Law MakeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-3-Biggest-Mistakes-Mothers--and-Daughters-in-Law-Make/324500666365484550.html2017-02-23T17:15:00Z2017-02-23T17:15:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-4ef5192e-32e4-36c6-62ef-13f7c46ad3b3"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-9eecb9fd-32f3-ea06-1057-afc08631c566"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-15188d83-66c7-2c75-b91f-b877c1282874"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8044c4fe-6bf9-65d8-7112-e2fc347ad892">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Why can’t mothers- and daughters-in-law all just get along? Here are the 3 biggest mistakes each side typically makes:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>The 3 Biggest Mistakes Mothers-in-Law Make:</strong></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Thinking your mother-son relationship doesn’t change after he’s married.</strong><span> You can’t treat him like your baby boy anymore. Big and little things are </span><em>their </em><span>business now, not yours (even his haircut). </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>“Helping out” around the house.</strong><span> Don’t walk into your son and daughter-in-law’s place and start cleaning or moving anything around. Aside from the fact that it’s not your home, any time you do stuff like that, it’s immediately taken as criticism. Think about it - if everything was OK, you wouldn’t be moving it around. You can offer to help, but if your daughter-in-law says no, drop it. You have to understand that this is </span><em>her </em><span>castle, and she has first dibs on the prince.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Getting in the middle of their relationship and taking sides. </strong><span>When my son and daughter-in-law were engaged, I sat them down and told them that when they were married, neither one of them could come to me to complain about the other. They could talk to me together if they needed advice or help with something, but I made it very clear that I would not hear only one side of the story.</span></p>
</li>
</ol>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>The 3 Biggest Mistakes Daughters-in-Law Make:</strong></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Being too thin-skinned.</strong><span> I think most daughters-in-law expect their mother-in-law to be critical, so they take everything they say and do as an attack on them and overreact. However, everything your mother-in-law says and does is not an insult or a criticism. She’s at least twice your age, and she knows probably four times what you know. If you’re willing to listen, there’s probably something to be learned or gained. So, assume your mother-in-law is not a bitch. There easily can be misunderstandings about innocent things, so don’t take a confrontational stance too quickly.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Not dealing with your mother-in-law directly. </strong><span>If your mother-in-law has a view or suggestion that differs from yours, don’t keep quiet and then later bitch to your husband (who then has to deal with his mother separately). Just say, “That’s an interesting idea. I may try it,” or, “That’s an interesting idea. I want to do it differently, but I appreciate your input.” Then it’s dealt with right then and there, and nobody feels insulted or unimportant.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Not showing respect.</strong> Just as you and your parents are not equals, neither are you and your mother-in-law. Your mother-in-law is older, more experienced, and raised the person you can’t live without, and that deserves a lot of respect.</p>
</li>
</ol></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2017-02-23T17:15:00ZWhy You End Up in the Same Failed Relationships Over and Over AgainStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-You-End-Up-in-the-Same-Failed-Relationships-Over-and-Over-Again/657572010776417463.html2017-02-22T17:02:00Z2017-02-22T17:02:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-4ef5192e-32e4-36c6-62ef-13f7c46ad3b3"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-9eecb9fd-32f3-ea06-1057-afc08631c566"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-15188d83-66c7-2c75-b91f-b877c1282874">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Why do you end up in the same dead-end relationships over and over again? Here’s why...</span></p>
<ul>
<li><strong>You ignore past behavior. </strong>When you don’t consider a person’s past behavior, you give up an opportunity to be clairvoyant about future behavior.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>You don’t ask questions.</strong> Do they have any bankruptcies, parole violations, or illegitimate kids? Are they abusing drugs or alcohol? What are their family interactions like? Many people don’t want to ask questions - they’d rather go headlong into the good feelings and the good sex. However, asking questions will determine whether or not this is actually a relationship.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>You pick somebody broken thinking you’ll fix or change them. </strong>If someone hasn’t matured beyond their parent-child dependencies, what you see is what you get and it’s not going to change. If you marry a smoker, expect a lifetime of living with a smoker. Lasting changes only occur because the <em>other person</em> wants to change <em>for themselves</em>, in which case, wait until it actually happens and sustains itself for three quarters of a year.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>You don’t share values.</strong> If you don’t share a compatible value system (i.e. spending money, raising kids, respecting one another, family, friends, and neighbors), there will be non-negotiable conflict.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>You are lonely. </strong>Being lonely is never a good reason to choose anybody.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>You just love the feeling of falling in love. </strong>You think that because you feel all kinds of horny, mushy, and excited that the relationship is meaningful. However, it’s not even the appetizer for the dinner. All it is, is the promise of the appetizer for the dinner.</li>
</ul>
<p> </p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2017-02-22T17:02:00ZShould I Dump a Family Member?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Should-I-Dump-a-Family-Member/722190878186265214.html2017-02-19T21:48:00Z2017-02-19T21:48:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e">
<p dir="ltr"><span>The impact of family on your personality and reactions to the world is extremely profound. Unfortunately, many of you have not had good experiences, and now as adults, you’re faced with a very tough decision:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“Do I continue a relationship with my parent/grandparent/sibling/etc.?”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Most people who call my show with this dilemma are consumed by feelings of guilt, failure, emptiness, doubt, grief, or abandonment. They’re often getting crap from other family members who say that if they cared about family, they would let the bad behavior slide. Many parents, particularly mothers, are willing to turn a blind eye to a child who is a drunk, druggie, thief, or molester and cajole the good kid to eat the wrong-doer’s dirt.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>So, when is it OK to dump a family member?</span></p>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>If they’re physically or mentally abusive. </strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>If they cause you stress in an on-going way. </strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>If you spend a tremendous amount of time and energy dealing with them, even losing sleep and health over it.</strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>If there’s only one side to the relationship, and it’s mostly about your money. </strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>If they’re trying to take you down with them. </strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>If they’re gossipy and manipulative, playing you like a chess piece against the rest of the family. </strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>If the only contact you have with them leaves you feeling ill.</strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>If something bad always happens when you interact.</strong></p>
</li>
</ul>
<p dir="ltr"><span>If any of the above qualities describe your relationship with a family member, it’s time to cut and run. Don’t enable and don’t cater. Block him or her from your phone, email, and Facebook. Don’t get in the middle of any family squabbles, and try to only have contact when something major happens, such as a birth or death. If you’re married, remember that </span><strong>your <em>current </em>family is your </strong><span><strong>priority</strong>.</span><span> If your parents or siblings are impacting your spouse or kids, you need to take action. The vows you made when you got married mean your moral obligation is to your spouse and children, </span><em>not </em><span>your toxic mother, father, aunt, uncle, cousin, or sibling.</span></p>
</span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
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</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-02-19T21:48:00ZWhen It's OK to QuitStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-Its-OK-to-Quit/913110595194707263.html2017-02-17T01:53:00Z2017-02-17T01:53:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e8be90fc-2f61-c7da-1f88-ba4e6510d360"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c4b04a5c-352b-b737-459c-570ee4f6012d">
<p dir="ltr"><span>From youth sport leagues to movies and TV shows, we’re often told to never give up and to never quit. However, there are times in life when it’s not only acceptable to quit but actually necessary. Here are some of the instances when it’s OK to quit:</span></p>
<ul>
<li><strong>You know that where you are in your life is a mismatch. </strong>From the time I was in high school, I was sure I wanted to be a scientist. In college, I majored in biology, minored in chemistry, and then went on to a six-year Ph.D. program in the physiology department at Columbia University. It was a huge commitment of my life. Yet, the day they shook my hand and said, “Congratulations, Dr. Schlessinger,” was the last day I set foot in a lab. I realized I couldn’t stand it and didn’t want to do it anymore. It was not my passion or my dream. When there’s a mismatch between your passion and your circumstances, you have to be wise and brave enough to quit. You have the power to make choices and it’s really sad when you throw that away to be a slave to your fears and insecurities.</li>
<li><strong>Your expectations are unrealistic. </strong>Thinking you can run the Boston Marathon four days after giving birth to twins is an unrealistic expectation (it’s a bit of an exaggerated example, but you get my point).</li>
<li><strong>You’re only continuing to avoid looking like a quitter.</strong> It’s stupid to not quit just because you don’t want to be called a quitter. If you don’t close a door, there’s no room for anything new and potentially better to enter your life. Don’t let your ego stand in the way.</li>
<li><strong>Your life is being negatively impacted. </strong>Whether it’s a job or a relationship, if you consistently feel like it’s having a negative, draining impact on your life, you need to call it quits.</li>
<li><strong>You’re only doing it to please someone else.</strong> We all have responsibilities to people, and we’re morally obligated to follow through on those responsibilities. But if you’re doing something that breaks you and prevents you from living a full life, you’re not doing the right thing.</li>
</ul>
<p> </p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2017-02-17T01:53:00ZThings You Should Know Before You Get MarriedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Things-You-Should-Know-Before-You-Get-Married/751589532210074662.html2017-02-16T04:39:00Z2017-02-16T04:39:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-069f9cdc-801a-33b8-4c6f-435b7dcb3429"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3bddf1e3-805e-af49-5ad7-9fb4c6bada47"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0bccc2bc-8068-0995-86cb-1cd6e0f0a821"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6a49ae8b-8071-2143-c4c9-15ff6e2c4704"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-537e49af-35bd-f0c2-8bbf-7cff9ec94d6d">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Are you thinking that the person you’re getting serious with could be the one? Here are some questions you need to ask yourself first:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do they encourage you to try and do things, or do they seem intimidated by what you like to do?</strong><span> When you try to expand yourself or learn more, do they try to hold you back, or are they your cheering squad? I was recently speaking to a couple, and I asked them what is the most important thing they each get from the other person. The woman replied, “I can be my quirky self and not be uncomfortable.” No one should be in a situation where they feel like they are not allowed to be authentically accepted as they are.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do you know yourself?</strong><span> How the heck are you going to make a good pick if you do not know who you are? That’s why I suggest people wait until they are at least 28 before getting married. Up until then, you are desperate, scared, insecure, and don’t make good choices. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span><strong>Are you happy? </strong>Don’t be with someone you are unhappy with in the hopes that after you get married things will magically get better. You can’t imagine the number of times I have heard people say, “I wasn’t really happy, but I thought we’d become happy.” Marrying in the hopes that things will be different is a bad, bad idea.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do you feel trapped?</strong><span> Maybe you’re being inattentive, uncaring, or thoughtless as a means to abort the situation. You may need to go into counseling to figure yourself out.</span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Is your relationship balanced? </strong><span>Balanced doesn’t mean </span><em>I give you a cookie and you give me a cookie</em><span> - it simply means you’re doing things for one another. You compromise, care, and support each other. If the relationship doesn’t go both ways, it’s really a stupid idea to take things any further. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do you have fun together?</strong><span> You need to be able to have fun together as well as when you’re apart.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Why are you in the relationship in the first place?</strong><span> Is there awe, admiration, respect, trust, and common values, or are you just horny, needy, or dependent?</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do you trust each other? </strong><span>If you don’t trust them, there’s no chance the relationship can work. By the same token, if they don’t trust you (they are constantly checking where you are, looking at your text messages, etc.), there isn’t a future either.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Is there physical attraction? </strong><span>Physical attraction is not the most important component in a relationship, but forcing yourself to be in a relationship with someone you are not attracted to simply isn’t fair. You will feel resentful, and they will feel rejected.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Are your lives headed in the same direction?</strong><span> Most couples get married without ever having the big talks: religion, babies, in-laws, money, etc. They think these things will just work themselves out because they love each other. However, you’re both going to feel duped when things don’t run smoothly.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Can you grow together and independently?</strong><span> Everybody grows; people expand what they are invested in, what they are involved in, and what’s important to them. You both have to be doing that together, and independently.</span></p>
</li>
</ol>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Ultimately, trust your gut. I also recommend six to nine months of premarital counseling with someone who is an expert in premarital counseling.</span></p>
</span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
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</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-02-16T04:39:00ZTeaching Your Kids to Deal with FailureStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Teaching-Your-Kids-to-Deal-with-Failure/494742272276376098.html2017-02-13T22:54:00Z2017-02-13T22:54:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e8be90fc-2f61-c7da-1f88-ba4e6510d360">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Many parents will tell their kids that they can do anything they want and that everything they do is great in order to protect them from failure. However, blowing smoke about how wonderful they are doesn’t help kids - it handicaps them from coping with real life. As any </span><span>successful person will tell you, there is no success without failure.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>So instead of skirting around the truth, here are 7 things you should teach your kids to help them deal with failure:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Losing is every bit as important for personal growth as winning. </strong><span>Handing out participation trophies and rewarding kids for doing nothing will teach them nothing</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Not everybody has the same gifts - you have to figure out yours.</strong><span> Even if you suck at singing or can’t throw a ball straight, you can still be really good at something else. Everybody has a talent. One thing I really liked about </span><em>Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood </em><span>is that Mr. Rogers never said all kids are wonderful at everything. He would say, “You are a special </span><em>you</em><span>, and there’s no one else like </span><em>you</em><span>.” He never said, “Try to be like someone else,” or, “You can do whatever you want,” because you can’t!</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Every mistake is an opportunity to learn.</strong><span> What went wrong? Was it your fault or a bad break? What did you learn? What do you need to change?</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>When you figure out something you were struggling with, help someone else who is struggling. </strong><span>The best way to learn something is to teach it, and it’s always great to help others.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Focus on the <em>next</em> ball</strong><span><strong>. </strong>You can’t hit a good shot if you’re still focused on a bad one.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Perseverance and consistency matter more than winning</strong><span><strong>.</strong> A building takes a lot of bricks, and you can’t be fixated on only one of them. Maybe you still haven’t reached the top, but you’re consistently doing better than you were before. What’s important is not so much that you’ve reached your destination but that you’re moving in the right direction.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Have a sense of humor when you lose.</strong> Be able to laugh at your mistakes. And when you win, act classy.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2017-02-13T22:54:00ZWhy You're Feeling Emotionally ExhaustedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Youre-Feeling-Emotionally-Exhausted/-585615630232947652.html2017-02-10T03:01:00Z2017-02-10T03:01:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-4ef5192e-32e4-36c6-62ef-13f7c46ad3b3"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-9eecb9fd-32f3-ea06-1057-afc08631c566"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-70529d8c-3dfc-5d69-e06b-387aebabdc77">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are five of the biggest reasons we feel emotionally drained:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. We use all-or-nothing thinking.</strong><span> We have a tendency to see reality based on our emotions. However, sometimes you have to think with your head and not with your heart. Your rational mind has to question whether something is actually real or permanent. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. We engage in activities and/or relationships we know we shouldn’t be in. </strong><span>We make our lives harder trying to be someone else so that we can be accepted and deemed worthy by others.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. We focus on our weaknesses instead of our strengths. </strong><span>When you’re paralyzed by not knowing what to do, focus on what you </span><em>can</em><span> do.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. We don’t have something to look forward to. </strong><span>When you’re stressed, place something new, fun, or exciting in the future that you can look forward to.</span></p>
<strong>5. We don’t have a passion. </strong><span>Engage your mind, body, and soul in something that’s creative, productive, and enjoyable. </span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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</span> </span>Staff2017-02-10T03:01:00ZTeaching Kids How to Deal with Their FeelingsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Teaching-Kids-How-to-Deal-with-Their-Feelings/622633621033860638.html2017-02-08T15:53:00Z2017-02-08T15:53:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Kids learn how to identify and express their feelings by watching you deal with yours.</span><span> </span><span>When somebody has died, you lose a job, or something traumatic happens, it’s more than OK to </span><strong>let your kids see you cry.</strong><span> It’s actually </span><em>important</em><span> that they see you show pain and emotion, otherwise they grow up thinking they’re not supposed to have feelings.</span><span> </span><span>Crying and feeling sad are a part of life. It’s not all rainbows and lollipops. Your kids need to see you acknowledge it, talk about it, and come up with a plan to remedy the situation. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>Now, there’s a major </span><span>difference between crying and having a meltdown. Your kids do not need to see you acting hysterical in front of them because it doesn’t teach them anything and totally undermines their sense of security in the world. It’s like the floor caving in from under them.</span></p>
<span>I also want to note that there are things worth crying about and things that aren’t (like spilled milk). </span><strong>Sometimes, you need to pull your act together, take care of business, and get on with life.</strong></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2017-02-08T15:53:00ZHow to Defeat Your Self-Destructive BehaviorStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Defeat-Your-Self-Destructive-Behavior/-597391658268182429.html2017-01-30T18:06:00Z2017-01-30T18:06:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-069f9cdc-801a-33b8-4c6f-435b7dcb3429"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3bddf1e3-805e-af49-5ad7-9fb4c6bada47"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0bccc2bc-8068-0995-86cb-1cd6e0f0a821"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6a49ae8b-8071-2143-c4c9-15ff6e2c4704"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-45b08dd9-8075-f0df-aa46-ef0d097ad765"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-54521ee1-80af-84c9-8ddb-3d9599bbc482">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Everybody has self-destructive behaviors, some worse than others. Some of these behaviors include:</span></p>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Self-harm (cutting, scratching, pulling out your hair, etc.) </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Gambling </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Overeating</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Abusing drugs or alcohol</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Having risky sex</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Shopping too much </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Ignoring your health and well-being </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Refusing to take responsibility </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Thinking negatively</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Acting overly needy</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Allowing others to treat you poorly</span></p>
</li>
</ul>
<p dir="ltr"><span>In order to stop a self-destructive behavior once and for all, the first step is to </span><strong>recognize what exactly it is you are doing wrong. </strong><span>If you can’t put your finger on it, ask the people who know and love you.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Next, you have to </span><strong>ask yourself<em> why</em> the behavior is negative. </strong><span>For example,</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“Why is drinking too much bad?”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“Because it leads to blackouts, hangovers, impaired decisions, and hurting the people I love.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>You have to think about what the advantages would be to change.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Step three is to </span><strong>figure out why you do it.</strong><span> Are you trying to fit in? Do you want to feel more secure? Are you trying to distract yourself from stress, guilt, shame, or remorse? What is your trigger? Our thoughts are linked to our feelings, which are in turn, linked to our behaviors. In other words, how you see yourself in the world really dictates, to a large extent, what you’re going to feel and what you’re going to do. </span><strong>Don’t hide from your feelings. </strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Lastly, you need to </span><strong>do something about it.</strong><span> Oftentimes, fear, anger, or anxiety lead us to exaggerate the negative and spiral back into the destructive behavior. You need to </span><strong>practice thinking about the positive and narrowing the negative.</strong><span> When you do that, it’s amazing how something completely horrendous can become utterly rational.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Make small changes. </strong><span>Add a piece of fruit or a vegetable to your lunch. Do something nice for someone else. Find an activity that does more good than harm, such as writing, painting, exercising, hiking, or gardening. Join an organization that talks about higher powers if that works for you. Whatever it is, you need to replace what you were doing with something healthier.</span></p>
</span><span id="docs-internal-guid-1f0605b4-807b-8870-4772-eb45388cc91f"> </span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
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</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-01-30T18:06:00ZWhy We Stay in Bad RelationshipsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-We-Stay-in-Bad-Relationships/-348680460529382834.html2017-01-29T20:19:00Z2017-01-29T20:19:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-4ef5192e-32e4-36c6-62ef-13f7c46ad3b3"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-9eecb9fd-32f3-ea06-1057-afc08631c566">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Why do we stay in relationships that we know are well past their expiration date? Here are five of the most common reasons: </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. You blame yourself. </strong><span>By saying, </span><em>“Well, maybe it’s me,” </em><span>you turn yourself into the bad guy. It’s an excuse and deflection so you don’t have to dump the other person. </span><span> </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. You want to avoid the pain. </strong><span>You may rank your relationship as a 5 out of 10 on the happiness scale, but breaking up will temporarily bring you down to a 2 or 3. Even though eventually you’d be happier (let’s say a 9), you stay with a 5 because you don’t want to slip down to a 2 or 3. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. You don’t want to be lonely. </strong><span>There’s something very special about having chemistry with someone and being connected. You become open and vulnerable, and it’s hard to give that up even though it’s clear you should.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. You feel stupid that you’ve held on this long. </strong><span>You stay in a mistake simply because you spent a lot of time making it.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>5. You’re afraid. </strong><span>The number one reason people compromise their values and don’t let go of a bad relationship is the fear that they’re not going to find someone else. The possibility of never being loved again makes the devil they know better than the devil they don’t. That’s why it’s important to maintain a great support network of friends and family. Nothing makes breaking up scarier than feeling completely isolated. Get involved even more than you ever were with your friends, charities, and hobbies.</span></p>
<span>And once you know the relationship isn’t right, don’t drag it out with all of this neurotic stuff. It doesn’t make things any easier. Just face it, accept it, and suffer the pain. Suffering is the only way we grow.</span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2017-01-29T20:19:00ZWhy Time Doesn't Heal All WoundsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Time-Doesnt-Heal-All-Wounds/717411549351822680.html2017-01-22T18:50:00Z2017-01-22T18:50:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Time does not heal all wounds. You don’t just magically bounce back from a painful divorce or the loss of a loved one. Acting tough and white-knuckling doesn’t end your misery. Your grief and sadness need to be acknowledged and dealt with.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>So, what can you do? </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Talk about it. </strong><span>Reach out to a good friend and/or a therapist. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t keep going over the same ground over and over again. </strong><span>If you stay fixated on the same crap, it becomes your identity and your home.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t be overdramatic. </strong><span>You have to think to yourself, </span><em>“Is it really true that I can never be happy again?” </em><span>The answer is no. </span><span>And besides, nobody is happy all the time.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Identify the things you’re grateful for</strong><span><strong>.</strong> Focus on what </span><em>is</em><span> going right.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Have compassion (not pity) for yourself. </strong><span>Be less critical of yourself.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be vulnerable</strong><span><strong>.</strong> Opening yourself up does make you more susceptible to judgment, criticism, humiliation, and degradation, but it </span><em>also</em><span> </span><span>makes you available to</span><span> love, support, tenderness, and understanding.</span></p>
<strong>Put in the effort. </strong><span>Feeling better isn’t an overnight, automatic process. There’s real effort that you have to put into it.</span></span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_081616.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-01-22T18:50:00ZHow to Keep the Intimacy Alive in Your MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Keep-the-Intimacy-Alive-in-Your-Marriage/57542866443915010.html2017-01-19T17:11:00Z2017-01-19T17:11:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-3296-29a2-5291-9b1f41daf135"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-90db5e36-b292-961e-f661-e446047ed8df"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-553e698f-b7b6-2f60-bc73-d76534e5da19">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Sex is not what keeps people happily married, it’s the intimacy. The amount of sex can wane over the years, but if the intimacy level stays healthy, that’s a happy marriage. Here’s how to keep the intimacy alive in your marriage:</span></p>
<ul>
<li><strong>Touch.</strong> Few things make someone feel more intimate and connected to another person than touch. In the preemie ward at the hospital, parents, nurses and volunteers are constantly touching the babies because without that constant touch, they don’t thrive. That never changes. Holding hands, snuggling on the couch, touching each other’s necks as you walk by, and wrapping your legs around each other when you’re going to sleep maintains that feeling of intimacy.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>Kiss each other like you mean it.</strong> Remember when you were first dating and you couldn’t stop kissing each other? If your kisses are now just pecks on the cheek, that’s not intimacy. Kiss like you mean it.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>Do sweet nothings for each other. </strong>If your spouse likes those little crackers with peanut butter in the center, get some while you’re out. It shows him or her that you’re paying attention. Sweet nothings are more important than big gifts and grand gestures. You know the other person cares because of the small things.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>Break the routine.</strong> The same routine year after year gets boring, stale and suffocating. It’s time to get out of your comfort zone. Sign up for a class or a new physical activity together, such as tennis, golf, fishing, boating, or running.</li>
</ul>
<span>Maintaining the intimacy in your marriage isn’t complicated, but it does take attention, and that’s where most couples veer off course. </span><strong>Couples don’t just drift apart. They stop touching, doing sweet things for each other, and embarking on new adventures together.</strong></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_011917.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-01-19T17:11:00ZHow to Get Your Child to Apologize - and Mean ItStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Get-Your-Child-to-Apologize---and-Mean-It/-645318601973272383.html2017-01-18T17:13:00Z2017-01-18T17:13:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-3296-29a2-5291-9b1f41daf135"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-90db5e36-b292-961e-f661-e446047ed8df">
<p dir="ltr"><span>You know how when your kid does something bad to another kid, and you sort of grab them by the scruff of their neck or arm and tell them, “Say you’re sorry!”? And they say sorry, even though what’s really behind that sorry is, “I don’t give a crap. She wants me to say sorry, so fine, I’ll say it. But I’m really not sorry. The truth is, I’d do it again.”</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>By doing this, you’ve taught them nothing. You have simply forced them to use a word they don’t mean. So, how can you get your child to apologize and mean it?</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Take him or her out of the situation - 10 ft. away, into another room, out to the car, etc. Wait until your child calms down. Then, in a calm voice, say, “You hurt him/her.” Have your kid sit with that for a second. Then say, “I know you were upset or angry, but you really hurt them. What do you think you could do to make them feel that you really are sorry?” Let your child come up with it because then, he or she is tapping into learning a sensibility about caring that somebody else is hurt. That’s empathy. </span><em>What might be the best way to help Mary or John know that you really feel sorry you hurt them and that you regret it?</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>This is what we call </span><strong>emotional education</strong><span><strong>.</strong> Ninety-nine percent of you parents are crazed and demented about your kids getting into the best schools, making the best soccer team, or having the best music coach. But you’re not raising your kids to be emotionally and psychologically healthy - you’re just raising them to compete. Without this kind of empathy, kids are just machines. They’re not resilient when they’re older because they don’t know how to function emotionally in situations.</span></p>
<span>So, you need to have your kids come up with the means of truly convincing the person they have wronged that they’re sorry and regret what they did. </span><strong>Emotional education is the most important kind of education you can give your kids.</strong></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_011817.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2017-01-18T17:13:00ZSigns Your Parents Screwed You UpStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Signs-Your-Parents-Screwed-You-Up/-708498368882245463.html2017-01-14T17:41:00Z2017-01-14T17:41:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-3296-29a2-5291-9b1f41daf135">
<p dir="ltr"><span>One of the hardest things for people to admit to me on the air is that their parents screwed them up. Part of the problem is that you still want to have them as parents, so you spend a lot of time blaming yourself. It’s the ultimate denial.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Whether your parents were mean, suffocating, hypercritical, cruel, demanding, drunk, philandering, or unloving, you generally turn out with the same problems. Here are some of the signs that your parents screwed you up:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You find trusting relationships difficult.</strong><span> If you believe that you’re going to be treated like your parents treated you, you’re always going to be on edge, suspicious, needy, and destructive in relationships.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You take rejection and failure very hard. </strong><span>Children of crappy parents tend to have a really horrendous reaction to anything that isn’t incredible success because if you fail, you’re proving your parents right.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You are a people-pleaser. </strong><span>You kiss everybody’s butt in order to push down your own hurt and make yourself feel more secure. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You are incredibly critical of yourself.</strong><span> Maybe your parents told you that </span><span>you</span><span> were responsible for why Mommy drinks or why Daddy is violent. However, parents don’t even have to use the words “stupid”, “worthless”, or “trash” to make you feel unworthy. Simply being an over-controlling helicopter parent can convince a child that they’re not good enough and can’t do anything by themselves.</span></p>
<span>So, what can you do about it if your parents have screwed you up? Call my show at 1-800-DR LAURA (1-800-375-2872), see a therapist, or read my book, </span><em>Bad Childhood, Good Life.</em></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span>Staff2017-01-14T17:41:00ZRelationship Expectations Everyone Should HaveStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Relationship-Expectations-Everyone-Should-Have/-124008171341631539.html2017-01-12T16:38:00Z2017-01-12T16:38:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fd44b2f6-938c-4550-7e00-a47bb2281fdc">
<p dir="ltr"><span>In every relationship, there are basic needs and expectations that everyone has a right to expect. If you’re not getting them, then the relationship is not a match. Here are eight relationship expectations every person should have:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Affection. </strong><span>You hold hands, kiss, hug, and give each other back or foot rubs. Physical affection is very important.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span><strong>Compassion</strong>.</span><span> Whether you have a stomach ache or a heartache, it needs to matter to the other person when you’re not feeling OK.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Respect.</strong><span> You can disagree with each other, but there shouldn’t be any name-calling or ridiculing. If somebody is constantly ridiculing you and then following it up with, “I’m only kidding,” they’re a jerk - get rid of them.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Consideration.</strong><span> A considerate person thinks about how they impact you. They don’t have to give you everything you ask for or do everything you want, but they have to consider what you need, what you’d like, and what you have to say.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Time. </strong><span>Some people like a lot of time, a medium amount of time, and no time. A “no time” person is not going to get along with a “medium time” or “a lot of time” person. You have to be more matched in how much time you’re willing and able to give each other. For example, I always wanted dinner at 6. That’s an important time for me because it’s the end of the day when you’re breaking bread and talking about everything. That’s the life I knew I wanted, and I wasn’t going to be with anybody for whom dinner at 6 was not a desire.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Interests.</strong><span> It’s reasonable to expect that your partner not only show interest in you but also the things you’re interested in, even if they may not be interested in those things themselves.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Intimacy.</strong><span> Intimacy isn’t sex - it’s being known. Over the weekend, I asked a couple who has been married a long time what makes them glad they’re married to each other. The woman said, “He lets me be me. Nobody else let me be me or accepted me for who I am.” I then asked the guy, who said, “She is sweet to me.” That is probably the number one thing married men want from their wives. Many women think it’s sex, however, what men really want is a woman who is nice to them. Men are very uncomplicated.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Generosity. </strong><span>Gifts are nice, but generosity really means that your partner is generous of themselves and their time. He or she goes out of their way to help, soothe, and take care of you.</span></p>
</li>
</ol><span>If you are not having these basic needs met in your relationship, you need to sit down and talk about what expectations you each have, and discuss those expectations without fighting. Just simply say, “This is what I need.”</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span>Staff2017-01-12T16:38:00Z5 Reasons to Live Beneath Your MeansStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Reasons-to-Live-Beneath-Your-Means/347844053896377834.html2017-01-11T17:23:00Z2017-01-11T17:23:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cf942460-8e8a-008d-c5af-f449a96b7cb9">
<p dir="ltr"><span>My personal way of looking at finances has always been, if I have it, I can use it; if I don’t have it, I budget. Most Americans struggle to make ends meet, which results in a great deal of financial and marital stress. We all need to learn to live beneath our means and pretend we make a lot less money than we do. Here are some of the reasons why:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You have less stress in your life.</strong><span> When the finances are tight, you’re upset and stressed. You’re not nice to your kids or your spouse, much less yourself. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You can probably have some of your dreams come true. </strong><span>Whether it’s a dream vacation or dream car, if you’re living beneath your means you can save up and buy some goodies. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You learn that more is just more and does not lead to happiness.</strong><span> I’ve lived with very little, and I’ve lived with a lot. I prefer having a lot, but it doesn’t eradicate all of the aches, pains, struggles, strife, and disappointments of life. That’s why being content with what you have is so important. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You have an emergency fund.</strong><span> It’s always important to have an emergency fund in case your car breaks down, the air conditioning fails, etc. Something like that always happens.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You can help others.</strong> When you give, you feel good, the person you’re helping feels good, and you add some good to the world.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span>Staff2017-01-11T17:23:00ZSigns You're in a One-Sided RelationshipStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Signs-Youre-in-a-One-Sided-Relationship/45243572354722650.html2017-01-08T20:40:00Z2017-01-08T20:40:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-57608417-3f67-ed72-5f24-9a7b34c9a595"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8e9a47f7-3f72-de4d-b413-49116f893d2c">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He’s not sure how he feels. </strong><span>When you’re with someone for almost a year and he’s still not sure where he stands, he’s not that interested in you.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He tries to change you. </strong><span>Instead of appreciating who you are as an individual, he criticizes, finds faults, and nitpicks.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He’s not affectionate. </strong><span>He doesn’t want to hold hands, look into your eyes, or cuddle. If you’re initiating affection and all he’s initiating is sex, then you know you’re at cross-purposes. It’s true that some guys are just shy and introverted, but that’s also going to be a problem in the long haul because the chances of him changing aren’t great.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You haven’t met his family. </strong><span>Unless his family is dangerous or destructive, he should want you to meet them.</span></p>
<strong>You make all the plans. </strong><span>You can’t be the only one putting in the effort.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2017-01-08T20:40:00ZGetting Kids to Follow the RulesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Getting-Kids-to-Follow-the-Rules/-687087871013260416.html2017-01-07T20:35:00Z2017-01-07T20:35:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e464475a-3d06-bcd5-4023-8168c22e2848">
<p dir="ltr"><span>How can you cut behavioral problems off at the pass or at least deal with them in a way that makes them less powerful or less frequent? It really all comes down to common sense and compassion for your kids.</span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>The first thing you need to do is </span><span><strong>have a good relationship with your child</strong>. </span><span>Kids are more likely to follow the rules if they feel loved, respected, and approved of. Bonding and connection are very important.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>In addition, I notice that many parents don’t </span><strong>make the rules clear</strong><span>. For example, a lot of you just say,</span><em> “Go clean your room!”</em><span>, but what does “clean your room” really mean? </span><span>When I was a kid, that meant taking everything and shoving it in the bottom of the closet so that the room looked clean. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>You need to be clear about what the expectations are and keep them reasonable. Calmly explain the rules and what the consequences will be if the rules are broken. Kids are less likely to challenge the rules if they know up front what is going to happen. If they don’t know, they’re more likely to take the risk.</span></p>
<span>Next, you need to</span><span><strong> compliment your kids</strong>. </span><span>Far too often, parents only pay attention when their kids misbehave rather than spending time to point out all the good things their children do, no matter how microscopic. </span><strong>Notice and compliment! </strong><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>You also need to </span><strong>talk to your kids </strong><span><strong>about their feelings</strong>.</span><span> Kids have all kinds of feelings, and they’re not really sure what they all are or what to do with them. When you sit with your kids time and time again and discuss the whole range of feelings that human beings have and the alternatives to deal with them, you’re teaching them how to cope with those feelings. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>Lastly, </span><span><strong>plan ahead</strong>.</span><span> If you think in advance about how your child is going to respond to a certain situation, you can avoid that situation before it becomes an issue. </span></span><span><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><strong><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! <br /> </em></strong><span> </span></p>
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</span>Staff2017-01-07T20:35:00ZIs Walking Away the Best Solution?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Is-Walking-Away-the-Best-Solution/-943873061269976957.html2017-01-04T17:46:00Z2017-01-04T17:46:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6133a7a4-6a92-a381-0b65-f0a3aa021d8c">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Breaking up is hard to do. It’s miserable, exhausting, and very painful. Sometimes it needs to be done, but in many cases, the relationship or marriage doesn’t have to be over - you can still work things out. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span> </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>So, how do you know when it’s time to walk away?</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Ask yourself if the relationship is really bad, or if you’ve simply forgotten the good stuff.</strong><span> When I was doing marriage therapy in private practice, couples would come to me feeling angry, hateful, and resentful. Instead of asking them to start by talking about why they were pissed off at each other (which never worked), I would instead have them go back to the beginning of the relationship and tell me what drew them to one another. Everybody has these stories. Thinking about the good stuff motivates you to work on whatever needs to be fixed.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Ask yourself if you’re together for the wrong reasons. </strong><span>We don’t always choose partners for the right reasons. If you felt unimportant in your family, you could possibly align yourself with someone who does not make you a priority or show affection. If you had a parent who constantly nagged you to be smarter or better, you may find a spouse who is always trying to change or fix you.</span></p>
</li>
</ol>
<p dir="ltr"><span>If you’re together for the right reasons but have forgotten the good stuff, then walking away isn’t the answer. Here’s what you should do instead:</span></p>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Break your routines</strong><span><strong>. </strong>Relationships can easily get boring when you have a routine. If you have to wake up at 6, get up at 5:45 and make your spouse a latte, or wake up at 5:30 and drag them into the shower with you for a sexy 20 minutes. If your spouse shows any interest in a hobby or activity, support the hell out of it. You will find your spouse much more interesting if he or she is excited about something in his or her life. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Stop keeping score. </strong><span>Your marriage is not a competition. Don’t sit there with a scorecard keeping track of who is kinder, smarter, or the better parent. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Own your part. </strong><span>Instead of blaming your spouse for “losing it”, ask yourself why he or she lost it. Did you provoke him or her? Did you nag, complain, act cold, or criticize? People don’t just blow up over nothing unless they are mentally unstable.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Take care of yourself. </strong><span>Part of taking care of your spouse is taking care of yourself. That means dressing and smelling nice. Of course, stuff happens, and you need to be compassionate when stuff happens. However, if you are just being lazy and self-centered and arrogantly saying that there should be unconditional love no matter how bad you look and behave, you need to find another planet because this isn’t it! </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Find things to compliment</strong><span><strong>. </strong>A person who feels appreciated will have a much more positive attitude and behave better. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t let problems escalate. </strong><span>If one of you gets emotional about an issue, take a break and discuss it when you’ve both cooled down. When somebody gets emotional, the other person usually ends up annoyed or angry. Show compassion for the fact that the other person is really upset.</span></p>
</li>
</ul>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span>Staff2017-01-04T17:46:00Z10 Tips for Getting Over a BreakupStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/10-Tips-for-Getting-Over-a-Breakup/852746894423785969.html2016-12-15T22:20:00Z2016-12-15T22:20:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325">
<p dir="ltr"><span>No matter what the relationship - long-term, short-term, friends with benefits - disconnecting from another human being is always painful. You can feel like it’s never going to get better or that you’re always going to be alone.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>So, what can you do to pick up the pieces and start to move on?<br /></span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Don’t medicate yourself. </strong><span>Quarts of ice cream and alcohol will only help you to gain weight, spiral into a depression, and lose sleep. Instead, buy one of those meditation tapes, and take 5 to 15 minutes a few times a day to just sit in a chair, zone out, and listen. It’s a sort of hypnosis; you’re relaxing and going over your thoughts. At first you probably won’t be good at it, but you’ll get better. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Try to get enough sleep</strong><span><strong>.</strong> Don’t look at screens right before you go to bed.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Exercise. </strong><span>Walk to work, do yoga, go dancing - just do something. Without the endorphins, you’ll keep feeling tired and miserable.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Don’t deny your feelings.</strong><span> Ignoring your emotions doesn’t make them go away. Allow your tears to flow. Express the hurt, anger, and pain, and be vulnerable with close friends.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>5. Surround yourself with activities that make you smile.</strong><span> When you laugh, your mood shifts immediately.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>6. Stop obsessing. </strong><span>Every time the </span><em>“woulda, coulda, shoulda”</em><span> starts to creep into your mind, say out loud to yourself, </span><em>“OK, stop. NOW!”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>7. Talk positively to yourself. </strong><span>Address yourself just as a well-meaning friend might talk to you. You’re not a complete loser. You’re not stupid. The relationship may have been a mistake, but you don’t have to make it again. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>8. Accept that you’re not automatically going to feel better.</strong><span> It’s going to be a rollercoaster of ups and downs for a while. Yet, it will pass and even though it hurts now, it’s for the best.<br /></span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>9. When you feel negative, do something positive. </strong><span>Think about friends and people you know who are going through tough times and offer them support. When you’re kind to someone else, it also makes </span><em>you </em><span>feel better.</span></p>
<strong>10. Keep your ex an ex. </strong><span>Get rid of everything, block their calls, and don’t interact. Don’t try to stay friends - that’s just you refusing to move on.<br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_080316.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2016-12-15T22:20:00ZWhy You Should Never Do Your Kids' Projects for ThemStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-You-Should-Never-Do-Your-Kids-Projects-for-Them/160361172008763890.html2016-12-12T19:14:00Z2016-12-12T19:14:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0e7c5c3f-8ff0-1e46-c405-03cfe2929961"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e30ae3e6-8ff5-1436-ef8e-cc719ed9b1c7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-4a4ff501-8ffb-5954-a491-30269d10edd5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f77552fb-e1ca-a7f6-0143-8fc7b9f89d8f">
<div><span id="docs-internal-guid-2c7fb331-e1d2-157b-82cd-2e8259931809">
<p dir="ltr"><span>In order to teach your kids the value of hard work, you need to allow them to do things on their own, including homework and school projects. If you do assignments for them, all you are showing your kids is how inadequate they are. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>I have a story about that.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>When I was in middle school, I was required to participate in a science fair. For one of the rare times in my life, I procrastinated. The night before the project was due, I went outside and gathered a bunch of crocus flowers from our yard, cut them apart, and attached them to a big poster board. It looked a little chaotic, but it was the best I could do as an 11-year-old starting a project the night before the due date.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>That night, my dad came home, saw what I had made, and threw one of his angry fits at me. He was yelling, screaming, and scaring the crap out of me. He made me go outside and get some more plants. He told me to type the labels and demanded that everything had to be at right angles. I was up until God knows what time in the morning, crying continuously because he never stopped yelling. The end result looked very nice, of course, because an adult had made it. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>The next day at school, I put my poster on an easel, and a team of teachers came by to ask me to talk about my project. I stood there and stared like I was in a coma with my eyes open. I never said a word or even acknowledged my name. I just stood there. Do you know why? Because even at that age, I had integrity. I couldn’t describe the project because I didn’t do it. It wasn’t </span><em>my </em><span>project.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>That night at home, the phone rang. It was one of my teachers asking to speak to my father. The phone call lasted a few minutes. When my dad hung up the phone, he said, “Laura, come here.” At this point, I didn’t really know what was going to happen. I didn’t realize a teacher would call the house. My dad said, “That was your teacher. They said you wouldn’t discuss your project.”</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>I silently sat there.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>He asked, “Why?”, and I replied, “Because it wasn’t mine.”</span></p>
<span>That was it. He never again tried to interfere to make something perfect. <br /></span></span></div>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! <br /></strong><br /></em></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_121216.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2016-12-12T19:14:00Z4 Tips for Saying NoStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/4-Tips-for-Saying-No/78032124871372702.html2016-12-08T19:02:00Z2016-12-08T19:02:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0e7c5c3f-8ff0-1e46-c405-03cfe2929961"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e30ae3e6-8ff5-1436-ef8e-cc719ed9b1c7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-4a4ff501-8ffb-5954-a491-30269d10edd5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f77552fb-e1ca-a7f6-0143-8fc7b9f89d8f">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Saying no can unravel a lot of friendships and relationships, but sometimes it’s the healthiest thing for you to do. Some of you burn yourselves out with inappropriate guilt thinking you have to be all things to all people or nobody will like you. However, genuine relationships are about give and take.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are four tips for saying no:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Say no sooner than later. </strong><span>Don’t wait until you’re fed up to say no. Built-up resentment is like a time bomb just waiting to explode.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t feel guilty for saying no. </strong><span>Not giving everybody what they want how and when they want it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything bad or wrong. If someone can’t accept no for an answer, that’s their problem not yours. Let him or her be pissed. A demanding, self-centered, or insensitive person is not reasonable and doesn’t care about you.</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Examine why you’re saying no. </strong><span>Are you saying no because you’ve done something a hundred times before and it hasn’t gotten you anywhere? Do you have other priorities requiring your attention?</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Say no as graciously as you can.</strong> The phrase I tell callers on my show to use all the time is,<em> “I wish I could, but I am not able to do that for you.” </em>You don’t have to provide an explanation. In fact, don’t give an explanation because it’s really none of the other person’s business. Besides, even if you do, he or she will have an argument for any reason or excuse you give.</p>
</li>
</ol></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! <br /></strong><br /></em></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_120816.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2016-12-08T19:02:00ZHow to Defuse Your Emotions at WorkStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Defuse-Your-Emotions-at-Work/130186245621709047.html2016-12-06T21:51:00Z2016-12-06T21:51:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0e7c5c3f-8ff0-1e46-c405-03cfe2929961"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e30ae3e6-8ff5-1436-ef8e-cc719ed9b1c7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-4a4ff501-8ffb-5954-a491-30269d10edd5">
<p dir="ltr"><span>When most people get angry or frustrated at work, they either lose their temper or keep the rage bottled up at the expense of their blood pressure, heart rate, and stomach acid levels. Here are some tips to not let your anger get the best of you.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t show it at work. </strong><span>Go to the bathroom, take a walk, or step out of the office to call someone you know you can talk to. Removing yourself from the situation can help you calm down, regain your objectivity, and avoid the unpleasant consequences of losing your cool in public.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t overlook your anger. </strong><span> When you’re out of the office, express out loud, </span><em>“I am so angry that (fill in the blank).” </em><span>Whatever you are upset about needs to be said out loud. Overlooking your anger is not physically or emotionally healthy.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>If you need to confront someone, </span><span><strong>think it through</strong>.</span><span> Evaluate the pros and cons, and ask yourself if the confrontation is justified or worth it. If it is, come up with a plan. Is this something you want to discuss with the person you’re having a problem with, your boss, HR, or an attorney?</span></p>
<span>If you decide to approach a coworker, employee, or supervisor, make sure you do it as though you were Mahatma Gandhi, and </span><span><strong>take on a demeanor of peace</strong>.</span><span> People will be less likely to respond with anger if you approach them with peace. Also,</span><span><strong> put yourself in the other person’s shoes</strong>. </span><span>Maybe they are having problems in their life or are feeling disrespected. If you show some interest in hearing the other person’s side, you can reduce the chances of things escalating.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_120616.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2016-12-06T21:51:00ZHow to Manage Anger and Conflict in Your MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Manage-Anger-and-Conflict-in-Your-Marriage/-457555730154566868.html2016-12-05T21:43:00Z2016-12-05T21:43:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0e7c5c3f-8ff0-1e46-c405-03cfe2929961"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e30ae3e6-8ff5-1436-ef8e-cc719ed9b1c7">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Conflict occurs in a marriage because needs are not being met. It doesn’t necessarily mean that the unmet needs have anything to do with the relationship. For example, sometimes completely separate issues with work or extended family can interfere and get projected onto your spouse.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>So, how can you communicate your needs without having your conversation turn into a conflict? Follow these tips:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>1. </span><span>Before you bring something up, </span><strong>ask yourself, <em>“Do I just need to win, or do I want us to be happier together?”</em></strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Respect each other’s timing. </strong><span>You and your spouse are not always going to be ready to have a conversation at the same time. He or she could have intestinal gas or be preoccupied with other things. You need to be patient and thoughtful enough to accommodate each other.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Be specific about what you want to talk about. </strong><em>“My need is _____” </em><span>, or </span><em>“I would appreciate it if you ________. Can we talk about it?” </em><span>You need to have in mind exactly what you want to address.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Don’t dredge up the past.</strong><span> Don’t escalate the situation by hitting your spouse over the head with the past. If you’re really that resentful, maybe you should have a separate discussion about whether or not you should be in the relationship. Stick to what’s happening right now.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>5. Don’t exaggerate. </strong><span>The phrase, </span><em>“You always think/do ________”</em><span> is an exaggeration.</span></p>
<strong>6. Admit your mistakes.</strong><span> Any time you own up to something, you put the other person in a non-defensive position.</span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_120516.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2016-12-05T21:43:00ZWhy a Gap Year Might Be Good for Your KidStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-a-Gap-Year-Might-Be-Good-for-Your-Kid/320469740190394968.html2016-12-01T21:39:00Z2016-12-01T21:39:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0e7c5c3f-8ff0-1e46-c405-03cfe2929961">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Even though less than 1 percent of kids take a year off between high school and college, the number is growing. Why do I think a gap year can be a good option for teenagers?</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Just because you have the money for college doesn’t mean your child is mentally or emotionally prepared for it. People typically don’t really know what they want to major in at 18. All they care about is the independence and the party.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>A gap year might give your kid more time to mature, put away money for college, or gain some valuable life experiences. Volunteering, traveling, interning, or pursuing an athletic endeavor can help your teen figure out whether he or she would like to learn something further and create opportunities for genuine self-growth.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>I am a big believer that during the gap year, your child should have a job and/or do serious volunteer work in order for him or her to grow and learn respect for all sorts of things. In general, young adults who lack the discipline for a gap year probably lack the discipline for college. If they just sit on the couch and do nothing with the gap year, don’t sign them up for college the next year - you’re wasting your money.</span></p>
</span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_120116.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2016-12-01T21:39:00ZWhy Getting Over an Ex Is So HardStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Getting-Over-an-Ex-Is-So-Hard/-476131225846223249.html2016-11-29T19:35:00Z2016-11-29T19:35:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb">
<p dir="ltr"><span><br />Why does it seem so difficult to get over someone, even if you know that he or she was bad for you? Here are four of the biggest reasons:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. You refuse to let go. </strong><span>Even if the relationship was crappy, you were emotionally invested. You were dependent on it, needy of it, and filled by it in some way. It was a huge part of your identity and security. However, you can’t swim to the other side of the pool unless you let go of the side you’re on. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. You would rather have the devil you know. </strong><span>Whatever is familiar, even if it’s horrible, is more comfortable than anticipating the unfamiliar. That’s why it feels easier and more secure to stay in a rotten situation.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. You won’t take off the rose-colored glasses. </strong><span>You allow a few nice moments or characteristics to minimize all the bad. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span> </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. You want closure. </strong><span>You think that if only he or she would explain what happened, then you could let go. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. You would find a way to argue with it, deny it, or manipulate it. Basically, you would do just about anything </span><em>but </em><span>use it to move on. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>If you have been hanging on to an ex, I strongly recommend that you go into therapy because at some point, it’s no longer about the relationship - it’s about your neediness. We are all needy, but you have to address that neediness in a healthy way.</span></p>
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</span>Staff2016-11-29T19:35:00ZHow to Avoid Resentment in Your RelationshipStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Avoid-Resentment-in-Your-Relationship/-6175159356602795.html2016-11-28T21:18:00Z2016-11-28T21:18:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-069f9cdc-801a-33b8-4c6f-435b7dcb3429"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3bddf1e3-805e-af49-5ad7-9fb4c6bada47"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0bccc2bc-8068-0995-86cb-1cd6e0f0a821">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Resentment in relationships is almost impossible to fix. That’s why you need to try to avoid it in the first place.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>At the basic core of resentment is non-communication, which makes it grow and grow in malignant ways.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are my tips to avoid resentment:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Acknowledge your feelings, even the crappy ones</strong><span><strong>. </strong>Your feelings won’t go away. They just build up and make you less loving, caring, sweet, and attentive. When your feelings are hurt, say that your feelings are hurt right then and there. Don’t ignore your feelings.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Create mental lists. </strong><span>For every negative thing about your spouse, come up with five good things. Sometimes thinking about the good can temper our annoyances.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be patient with your spouse’s peculiarities. </strong><span>Everybody has their peculiarities, including you. Maybe you need to be more patient and forgiving because after all, you want your spouse to be forgiving of your peculiarities.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. </strong><span>When I was in private practice, I had couples defend each other’s point of view. For example, the spouse who said, </span><em>“I’m really angry that you never clean the dishes,” </em><span>had to defend the spouse who doesn’t do the dishes, and vice versa. It’s amazing how most people struggle against doing this exercise because it means accepting that there’s another side and that they are not absolutely right.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Know when to say no. </strong><span>It’s only natural to feel resentment when you’re trying to be all things to all people all of the time. Stop attempting to kiss everyone’s butt to make them like you.</span></p>
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</span>Staff2016-11-28T21:18:00ZWhy Perfectionists Are Far from PerfectStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Perfectionists-Are-Far-from-Perfect/-86162249856158753.html2016-11-17T23:00:00Z2016-11-17T23:00:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-069f9cdc-801a-33b8-4c6f-435b7dcb3429"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3bddf1e3-805e-af49-5ad7-9fb4c6bada47"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0bccc2bc-8068-0995-86cb-1cd6e0f0a821"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6a49ae8b-8071-2143-c4c9-15ff6e2c4704"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-45b08dd9-8075-f0df-aa46-ef0d097ad765"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-54521ee1-80af-84c9-8ddb-3d9599bbc482"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-298c57c1-80b5-8cfb-e15a-130bfa62cf0f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-12596d51-80ba-a24d-541f-fcc41086b3f4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c3e7659f-80be-31df-b764-e1702e3497ea"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1f5b167f-80c5-25a7-3d0d-3790fb29d53f">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Why do so many people feel a need to be perfect when intellectually they know they can’t? Because, their underlying motivations lead them to believe that if they are perfect, then </span><span>(<em>fill in the blank</em>)</span><span>.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“If I am perfect, then I will be loved.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“If I am perfect, then my kids will be healthy.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“If I am perfect, then my parent will stop drinking.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Let’s say you came from a family where there was a hell of a lot more criticizing and scolding than nurturing and loving. Kids in these situations turn out one of two ways. They either become rebels/raging jerks, or they become neurotic perfectionists. It’s a defense mechanism to deal with the uncertainty and lack of control in their world. </span><strong>Underneath the desire to be perfect is a desperate craving to be loved.</strong></p>
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</span>Staff2016-11-17T23:00:00Z7 Things Men Find Attractive in a WomanStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/7-Things-Men-Find-Attractive-in-a-Woman/-76138823521095785.html2016-11-15T19:19:00Z2016-11-15T19:19:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. She is really passionate about something in her life.</strong><span> It could be rescuing cats or growing vegetables in the inner city. By having a passion for something, he gains respect for you, and you demonstrate some depth. It also gives him an opportunity to do special things for you. For example, he could bring some fertilizer and help you garden.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. She has a sense of humor. </strong><span>If you make him laugh, you already have a piece of his heart.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. She is decisive, but not pushy. </strong><span>Men like to support, help, and rescue damsels in distress, but they don’t want a totally distressed damsel all of the time.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. She notices the small things. </strong><span>Appreciating the little things makes a very big difference.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span> </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>5. She is kind</strong><span><strong>. </strong>You can be beautiful and sexy, but if you’re not kind, the relationship is going to quickly wear thin.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span> </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>6. She likes his friends.</strong><span> You get along with his friends and aren’t jealous of them. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span> </span></p>
<strong>7. She is happy.</strong><span> Granted, it’s impossible to be satisfied and happy all of the time, but if you’re typically not happy, that’s not going to be attractive.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span>Staff2016-11-15T19:19:00ZThe Quickest Ways to Kill Your MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Quickest-Ways-to-Kill-Your-Marriage/-815583672863442465.html2016-11-14T21:28:00Z2016-11-14T21:28:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-069f9cdc-801a-33b8-4c6f-435b7dcb3429"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3bddf1e3-805e-af49-5ad7-9fb4c6bada47"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0bccc2bc-8068-0995-86cb-1cd6e0f0a821"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6a49ae8b-8071-2143-c4c9-15ff6e2c4704">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Ladies, listen up! Do you want to know the fastest ways to deep-six your marriage? Look no further… </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. You look like crap.</strong><span> You don’t fix your hair, put on makeup, or care about how you look. You didn’t do that when you were trying to get him to love you, so don’t pull a bait and switch. You don’t need to dress like you’re going to a ball, but when he comes home to see you at the end of a long day, he should look forward to that.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. You can’t get your face out of your electronics.</strong><span> Put away your smartphone, tablet, or computer, and pay attention to your spouse.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. You don’t listen. </strong><span>You talk over him, interrupt him, or say you don’t like his tone or what he has to say. If you say it enough times, he’s going to be too afraid to talk to you anymore, and then you’ll bitch about how he’s non-communicative.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. You’re stingy with hugs and kisses. </strong><span>Men love hugs and kisses. If you greet your husband at the door with a hug and kiss, he’ll look forward to coming home to you. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span> </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>5. You badmouth him to your friends. </strong><span>Every time you’re annoyed about some small thing he did, you talk about him behind his back. Remember, everybody has shortcomings and stupid moments. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>6. You get mad because he’s not making enough plans.</strong><span> If you say, “Thursday, let’s go out to dinner, see a movie, and neck in the back of the car,” it’s the “yes” that matters. Guys are not necessarily in tune for setting this stuff up, and women are typically the social directors in families.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>7. You no longer make him a priority.</strong><span> You put your pet or your 13 friends first and ignore him. Then you call me and wonder why he’s having an emotional affair. Well, it’s because he was hungry and you didn’t feed him. Is he really supposed to sit there like an idiot year after year because you’re too busy for him? Really?!</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>8. You don’t acknowledge the good stuff he does</strong><span><strong>. </strong>As someone once told me, harping should be limited to musical instruments.</span><span> </span><span>A constant onslaught of complaints and demands doesn’t motivate - it only irritates.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>9. You don’t remember why you married him in the first place.</strong><span> He can still have all those qualities if you don’t squash his motivation to show them.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>10. You haven’t read my book, <em><a href="/pg/jsp/community/bookdetail.jsp?detID=-950235365937463723" target="_self">The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands</a></em></strong><em>. </em><span>If you read it and apply what I have to say, within 24 hours your marriage will be happier and healthier. </span><span> </span></p>
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</span>Staff2016-11-14T21:28:00ZWhat You Will Regret the MostStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-You-Will-Regret-the-Most/-15102539163165118.html2016-11-10T22:52:00Z2016-11-10T22:52:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-069f9cdc-801a-33b8-4c6f-435b7dcb3429"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3bddf1e3-805e-af49-5ad7-9fb4c6bada47"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0bccc2bc-8068-0995-86cb-1cd6e0f0a821"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6a49ae8b-8071-2143-c4c9-15ff6e2c4704"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-45b08dd9-8075-f0df-aa46-ef0d097ad765"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-54521ee1-80af-84c9-8ddb-3d9599bbc482"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-298c57c1-80b5-8cfb-e15a-130bfa62cf0f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-12596d51-80ba-a24d-541f-fcc41086b3f4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c3e7659f-80be-31df-b764-e1702e3497ea">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Many people look back on their lives filled with all sorts of regrets. Here are some of the most common things people wish they had done differently:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Romance.</strong><span> They spent their 20s being in love with people who didn’t love them. They wish they could take back all of the time they wasted on the romantic drama, but they can’t.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Children.</strong><span> They assumed that unlike career accomplishments, kids just happen. Then they hit 40 and their eggs are old because they put their priorities in the wrong place. Or if they do have kids, they wonder why they aren’t bonded or give a damn about them as adults.</span><span> </span><span>Live on less and participate in your family more.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Parents. </strong><span>Instead of spending time with their parents, they rebelled or gave them a hard time. You cannot negotiate with death; it’s final, often sudden, and very personal. When your parent dies, a door is closed that will never open again. So if you have good parents, stay connected as long as you can.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>It’s ironic that people are more likely to stay connected to bad parents than good parents. The reason is, if you had good parents, you’re probably happy and doing well in life. But if you had really bad parents, you spend your time trying to turn them into good parents. Instead of getting on with your life, you stay inexorably and unhealthily connected to your bad parents.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Education/Career.</strong><span> They wish they had followed their dreams instead of going to college and doing what their parents expected them to do. Instead of believing in their talents, passions, and dreams, they got a post-secondary education that ended up in mounting student loans and a place in the job hunting pack.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>I almost did that. In order to prove to my dad that I was super smart, I earned my Ph.D. in physiology from Columbia University. However, when all was said and done, I pursued my credentials in psychology because I preferred to be a therapist (which my dad thought was crap). I figure that I have helped more people doing my passion than I would have experimenting with mice and learning cell theories. You have to ask yourself what you really want to do. What do you enjoy? What’s your passion? Most people in college shouldn’t really be there because they’re not learning anything of value to them, and they’re not on the road to where they want to be.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Bad Health.</strong><span> They regret not taking care of their bodies or getting the psychological help they needed.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Friendship</strong><span><strong>. </strong>They feel bad about putting everything above maintaining friendships and not asking for help when they needed it. </span></p>
<strong>Finances. </strong><span>They wish they hadn’t worried so much about money and taken more chances. A lot of people will tell you that if you quit a certain job, you won’t find anything else. But you will.</span></span> </span></span></span><span id="docs-internal-guid-1f0605b4-807b-8870-4772-eb45388cc91f"> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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</span>Staff2016-11-10T22:52:00Z6 Tips for Resolving Family ConflictsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Tips-for-Resolving-Family-Conflicts/265248623960047609.html2016-11-08T23:17:00Z2016-11-08T23:17:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-069f9cdc-801a-33b8-4c6f-435b7dcb3429"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3bddf1e3-805e-af49-5ad7-9fb4c6bada47"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0bccc2bc-8068-0995-86cb-1cd6e0f0a821"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6a49ae8b-8071-2143-c4c9-15ff6e2c4704"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-45b08dd9-8075-f0df-aa46-ef0d097ad765"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-54521ee1-80af-84c9-8ddb-3d9599bbc482"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-298c57c1-80b5-8cfb-e15a-130bfa62cf0f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-12596d51-80ba-a24d-541f-fcc41086b3f4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c3e7659f-80be-31df-b764-e1702e3497ea"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1f5b167f-80c5-25a7-3d0d-3790fb29d53f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-51e605f0-80cd-18f1-3a6f-0bddf60b1f62"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-581fe784-80d5-5715-7496-948dcdde34d0">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Whether it’s a conflict over family get-togethers, sibling rivalry, child discipline, finances, jobs, or in-laws, there are ways to do it without all-out fights. Here’s how:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Cool off. </strong><span>When everybody’s emotions are high, conflicts can’t be resolved - they can only be escalated. </span><strong>Take a walk, count to 10, or excuse yourself to the bathroom.</strong><span> It’s an opportunity to </span><strong>choose your response rather than just react.</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Don’t be incriminating.</strong><span> Starting out with, </span><span>“<em>You did/didn’t ______!”</em></span><span>, only makes the other person want to fire back. Instead, say something like, </span><em>“I thought we agreed that you would clean up the kitchen.” </em><span>You are conveying the same information, but it’s done with less ferocity. Remember, </span><strong>your mentality should be “us against the world”, not “us against each other.”</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Hear the other person out. </strong><span>Sit down and ask the other person to state his or her point of view and feelings. It’s amazing how people calm down when they’re heard all the way out without interruptions or comments.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Own your part. </strong><span>There’s barely ever a conflict where both parties don’t have some degree of responsibility.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>5. Try to find a win-win solution. </strong><span>If two kids are fighting over toys, you sit them down and come up with five ways to solve the problem so nobody is upset. The same goes for adults. Try to develop a solution that allows both people to win.</span></p>
<strong>6. Let it go. </strong><span>Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree, and do it without hostility.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2016-11-08T23:17:00ZSigns You're with the Wrong PersonStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Signs-Youre-with-the-Wrong-Person/167988756674775551.html2016-11-07T19:29:00Z2016-11-07T19:29:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Being in no relationship is always better than being in a bad one, even if there are a few pleasant moments amongst the chaos.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are some of the signs you’re with the wrong person:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They blame their exes for all the problems in their past relationships. </strong><span>It’s really important to know about someone’s dating history. Constantly blaming somebody else and never taking responsibility is a huge red flag.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They say a lot of unpleasant and hurtful things.</strong><span> Even if they come back later and say they didn’t mean it, don’t be fooled.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They are destructive or dangerous.</strong><span> If they threaten to hurt you or themselves if you ever leave them, it’s time to get away. That’s not love - that’s dependency.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They give you the silent treatment or withhold affection over small transgressions.</strong><span> That’s a clear sign of manipulation.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They scold, yell, or “harmlessly” slap, push, or shove.</strong></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2016-11-07T19:29:00ZAre You in an Unbalanced Relationship?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Are-You-in-an-Unbalanced-Relationship/578568633374479900.html2016-11-03T18:53:00Z2016-11-03T18:53:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-069f9cdc-801a-33b8-4c6f-435b7dcb3429">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Every relationship cannot be 100 percent balanced. Just because you’re willing to babysit your friend’s kids doesn’t mean she’s obligated to babysit yours. Maybe she shops for you when you’re sick. Not everything is exactly tit for tat.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Some of you do too much too often and then get resentful that the favor isn’t returned. Instead of vilifying or dumping the other person, maybe you need to tone down what you’re doing. If you buy 10 presents and someone buys one, then just buy one instead of bitching about how there’s a difference of nine. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>The main question you have to ask is, does this person seem caring and invested overall? Do you have a good time together? </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Sometimes you really are in an unbalanced relationship. Here are some of the signs:</span></p>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They perpetually drain and exhaust you. </strong><span>You dread seeing them, and when you’re with them, you wish you were elsewhere. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You are always there for them, but they are not there for you. </strong><span>If the only time they initiate contact is when they want or need something from you, that’s a problem. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They don’t show you any gratitude. </strong><span>You constantly give money and/or time and receive nothing in return. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They lay on guilt when you’re not able or willing to do something. </strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They are drama kings and queens.</strong><span> They go from conflict to conflict and crisis to crisis, giving you every little detail about it. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They are self-absorbed and only talk about themselves.</strong><span> </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>They show disinterest or try to undermine your dreams and goals.</strong></p>
</li>
</ul>
<p dir="ltr"><span>You can waste decades of your life on these people, or you can accept the reality that they won’t change. My recommendation is to slowly withdraw. Take a few days to return a text or phone call, and answer it rather neutrally. Plan fewer things. Slowly disappear and become less invested.</span></p>
</span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_110316.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
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</span>Staff2016-11-03T18:53:00ZHow Dads Shape Their Daughters' RelationshipsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-Dads-Shape-Their-Daughters-Relationships/625070490716446381.html2016-11-02T20:33:00Z2016-11-02T20:33:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-069f9cdc-801a-33b8-4c6f-435b7dcb3429"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3bddf1e3-805e-af49-5ad7-9fb4c6bada47"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0bccc2bc-8068-0995-86cb-1cd6e0f0a821"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6a49ae8b-8071-2143-c4c9-15ff6e2c4704"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-45b08dd9-8075-f0df-aa46-ef0d097ad765">
<p dir="ltr"><span>From birth, fathers play a very important role in the psychological development of their daughters. </span><strong>Dads show their daughters how women deserve to be treated. </strong><span>If a father is abusive or neglectful towards his wife or daughter, his daughter is more likely to develop self-image issues, struggle academically and socially, or end up in bad relationships trying to make a creep change or like her.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>In the good old days, a girl couldn’t date a boy until he came to her house, sat down with her dad, and was given the rules. It showed girls a tremendous amount of protective respect and modeled what she should expect as well.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>The mother-daughter bond is wonderful, but so is the one between a father and his little girl. So dads, show your daughters respect, love, and care, and teach them not to tolerate anything less.</span></p>
</span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2016-11-02T20:33:00Z5 Tips to Be More ConfidentStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Tips-to-Be-More-Confident/-997965456762953537.html2016-11-01T21:42:00Z2016-11-01T21:42:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-069f9cdc-801a-33b8-4c6f-435b7dcb3429"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3bddf1e3-805e-af49-5ad7-9fb4c6bada47"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0bccc2bc-8068-0995-86cb-1cd6e0f0a821"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6a49ae8b-8071-2143-c4c9-15ff6e2c4704"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-45b08dd9-8075-f0df-aa46-ef0d097ad765"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-54521ee1-80af-84c9-8ddb-3d9599bbc482"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-298c57c1-80b5-8cfb-e15a-130bfa62cf0f">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Confidence is believing that you have something of value to offer. Sadly, many of you come from really crappy families and don’t have that sense. The good news is, confidence is like a muscle - the more you use it, the stronger it gets. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are five tips to develop your confidence:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Make someone else feel better.</strong><span> There’s really </span><span>nothing that makes you feel better than helping somebody else. When you feel useful, wanted, and needed, you build confidence and self-worth.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Come up with a list of all the things you’ve already accomplished. </strong><span>When you’re feeling negative and doubt that you can handle a certain situation, think about all the things you have already overcome.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Change your focus.</strong><span> Everybody has certain things they don’t like (or even hate) about themselves. Maybe you can remedy them, but if you can’t, you can still focus on the good things about yourself.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Do something that scares you. </strong><span>Most of how you feel about yourself doesn’t come from what other people say - it comes from what you do. Having someone pat you on the head and tell you how wonderful you are is nice, but ultimately, you are your harshest critic. You have to prove it to yourself. Set some goals and try new things. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>5. Live up to your own expectations, not anyone else’s. </strong><span>Just because someone expects you to do something doesn’t mean it’s </span><em>your </em><span>dream. My dad thought psychology was the stupidest thing in the universe, and yet here I am, a licensed marriage and family therapist. That was his opinion; it doesn’t make it fact.</span></p>
</span> </span><span id="docs-internal-guid-1f0605b4-807b-8870-4772-eb45388cc91f"> </span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_110116.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2016-11-01T21:42:00ZHow to Keep the Romance Alive in Your MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Keep-the-Romance-Alive-in-Your-Marriage/-228868505249635668.html2016-10-27T20:32:00Z2016-10-27T20:32:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Marriage starts out as a lot of highs. Then suddenly, all you can see are the lows. You and your spouse start bitching at each other, feeling resentful, and losing what you had.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are three tips to not lose sight of the romance:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Work together as a team. </strong><span>Stupid stuff happens every day. Learn to not take it out on your spouse. </span><strong>Turn <em>to</em> each other, not <em>on</em> each other.</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Make an effort to notice each other on a daily basis. </strong><span>Ask questions, plan the day together, kiss hello and goodbye, and connect in the middle of the day to pick each other up. Have you ever noticed that </span><strong>when you make someone else feel better, you also feel better</strong><span><strong>?</strong> The nicer and sweeter you are to your spouse, the more cheerful you’ll feel. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Take time to relax with each other</strong><span><strong>.</strong> At the end of the day when the kids are squared away, pour a glass of wine, put your feet up, and watch a stupid movie or take a bath together.</span></p>
<span>For more tips and ideas, read my book,</span><em> The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage.</em></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span>Staff2016-10-27T20:32:00ZWhy Stepping Out of Your Comfort Zone Is So ImportantStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Stepping-Out-of-Your-Comfort-Zone-Is-So-Important/362183056127812582.html2016-10-25T21:06:00Z2016-10-25T21:06:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-757ddd56-42c8-3b85-35fe-8963338ce98c">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Why is stepping out of your comfort zone so important? Because if you don’t, you stagnate and do nothing new or exciting. You don’t challenge yourself, you don’t grow, and you miss out on a lot of awesome moments in life. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You have to get comfortable with discomfort. </strong><span> I received a call from a woman the other day who had been shacking up for four years with a guy who wouldn’t commit to her. When I asked her why a woman who wants to get married and have a family would stay with a guy like this, she said that she was afraid of being alone.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>So, in order to avoid a brief period of discomfort, she’d rather have a lifetime of disappointment?! Wow...</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>In order to improve your life, you need to take a risk. Part of putting yourself out there is going to feel challenging, weird, or even terrible, but the other part is going to make life so much more wonderful and valuable to you.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>You may ask, </span><em><strong>“What if I fail?”</strong></em></p>
<span>Well, failure is inevitable. </span><strong>There is no success without failure.</strong></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span>Staff2016-10-25T21:06:00Z8 Tips for Dealing with Crappy PeopleStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/8-Tips-for-Dealing-with-Crappy-People/439552000322342235.html2016-10-24T20:06:00Z2016-10-24T20:06:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da">
<p dir="ltr"><span>There are lots of difficult, mean, and self-centered people out there. Maybe you have one (or several) in your family, in your neighborhood, at work, or in your church.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>What’s the best way to deal with them? Follow these tips:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Don’t try to make rational sense out of their behavior. </strong><span>Rational sense can only be found in rational situations, and crappy people are not rational.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Minimize contact. </strong><span>You may not be able to eliminate contact altogether if you have to go to family gatherings or business meetings. But avoid what you can.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Keep your cool. </strong><span>You cannot fight every battle.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Stop personalizing.</strong><span> If someone behaves the same way towards everyone else as they do towards you, then don’t take it so personally.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>5. Don’t confront them. </strong><span>People generally don’t hit their foreheads and say, </span><em>“Oh, my gosh! You’re so right! I can’t believe I was being so crappy!” </em><span>That’s very rare. If you do confront someone, do it to tell them off and disconnect, not to work anything out.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>6. Separate the person from the situation. </strong><span>Sometimes, it’s not that the other person is crappy but rather a situation, bad piece of information, or philosophical difference is causing the problem.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>7. Use humor. </strong><span>Crappy people hate when you use humor because it shows that you’re not upset.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>8. Toughen up. </strong><span>Bullies are cowards and don’t like strength. Weakness, passiveness, and compliance makes you a target. Stand your ground.</span></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span>Staff2016-10-24T20:06:00ZWhat to Do When Faced with a Tough DecisionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-to-Do-When-Faced-with-a-Tough-Decision/758475647377552191.html2016-10-20T20:43:00Z2016-10-20T20:43:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-b0c2bdaf-42b5-374a-990b-0be5fb018abb">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Ask yourself what will make you feel proud. </strong><span>I remember a call I had many years ago from a young man in his 20s whose sister had died, and he was wondering whether or not to raise her kids. I told him to pretend as if he had been whooshed to the future by the Ghost of Christmas Past and was looking at himself right now. Which decision would make him feel proud? After that, it was a no-brainer. He didn’t have to make a pros and cons list or have an internal debate. He knew what he needed to do.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Reflect on past decisions you’ve made. </strong><span>You’ve made a lot of decisions in your life - some really stupid and some really smart. Reflect on them. How did they turn out? What criteria did you use?</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Listen to your instincts. </strong><span>Instincts are different from your emotions. Instincts are more based on information and what you know deep down to be true.</span></p>
<strong>4. Be willing and ready to deal with the fallout.</strong></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
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</span>Staff2016-10-20T20:43:00ZHow to Communicate Better with Your HusbandStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Communicate-Better-with-Your-Husband/521581368389484286.html2016-10-18T20:08:00Z2016-10-18T20:08:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-069f9cdc-801a-33b8-4c6f-435b7dcb3429"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3bddf1e3-805e-af49-5ad7-9fb4c6bada47">
<p dir="ltr"><span>In a marriage, we must communicate </span><em>before </em><span>things get bad and </span><em>before </em><span>people feel bored, distant, or resentful.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>For us female types, venting and getting out all the bad emotions feels great. We like to talk about our feelings and what these feelings mean. Men, on the other hand, don’t find extended talking as therapeutic. They just want direction: </span><em>“What do you want me to fix?”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Furthermore, women have the physiological advantage of being quicker self-soothers. We calm down better and faster. By contrast, men often avoid conflict because it’s so physically uncomfortable for them to recover.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>With that in mind, here’s how you should approach your husband the next time you want to discuss a problem in your marriage:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Start by asking if it’s a good time to talk.</strong><span> Say, </span><span><em>“Sweetie</em>, </span><span>(always begin with </span><em>“Sweetie” </em><span>or </span><em>“Honey”</em><span>) </span><em>is it OK right now to talk about something I’m concerned/upset with?”</em><span> Put yourself in your husband’s shoes. Just because you want to vent doesn’t mean he’s in the mindset. He may be feeling tired, stressed, or ill. If that’s the case, his response is only going to make you more testy. You will end up working against yourself. If he says no,</span><span> </span><span>hold on to whatever it was and come back to it later.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Say “I” instead of “you”.</strong><span> Therapy 101 teaches people to use “I” sentences. For example, </span><em>“I feel lonely, and I miss you,”</em><span> as opposed to,</span><em>“You son of a bitch! You never pay enough attention to me!” </em><span>Which do you think will be better received?</span></p>
<strong>Explain, don’t attack. </strong><span>Say something like,</span><em>“I know that work is important and that your mother is important, but I’m starting to feel ignored. I was hoping you and I could start talking about how to remedy this.” </em><span>That is not an attack or a screaming fight; it’s informational. Most importantly, the statement ends with a proposed team-developed remedy (something guys are good at). Remember, </span><strong>you catch more flies with honey.</strong></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
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</span>Staff2016-10-18T20:08:00ZWays to Pull Yourself Out of a FunkStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Ways-to-Pull-Yourself-Out-of-a-Funk/292584149654971419.html2016-10-17T21:48:00Z2016-10-17T21:48:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-069f9cdc-801a-33b8-4c6f-435b7dcb3429"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3bddf1e3-805e-af49-5ad7-9fb4c6bada47"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0bccc2bc-8068-0995-86cb-1cd6e0f0a821"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6a49ae8b-8071-2143-c4c9-15ff6e2c4704"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-45b08dd9-8075-f0df-aa46-ef0d097ad765"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-54521ee1-80af-84c9-8ddb-3d9599bbc482"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-298c57c1-80b5-8cfb-e15a-130bfa62cf0f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-12596d51-80ba-a24d-541f-fcc41086b3f4">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Everybody has those times when the bottom falls out, and you just don’t feel like doing a damn thing. You’re not necessarily depressed or anything. You simply don’t feel the energy or creativity.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>If you’ve fallen into a funk, here are some ways to pull yourself out:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t judge or shame yourself.</strong><span> Don’t get snarky or call yourself lazy. It’s completely normal to feel this way. Everything in life has cycles, from the weather to the stock market to your energy levels and enthusiasm.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Get off your butt and do something. </strong><span>Take a walk or go for a bike ride. Getting outside will help you clear your mind.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Watch a movie</strong><span><strong>.</strong> One of the things I like to do when I’m in a funk is watch biographical movies. Seeing somebody overcoming difficult obstacles can be very inspiring.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Get organized.</strong><span> </span><span>Clean off your desk or workspace. Removing distractions is a great de-funker.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Learn something new. </strong><span>Watching a “How To” video on YouTube might be all you need to kickstart yourself into gear.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Celebrate your progress. </strong><span>Doing anything while in a funk is a victory.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Do something for someone else. </strong><span>The feeling of being needed by someone lifts you like nothing else.</span></p>
</span> </span> </span><span id="docs-internal-guid-1f0605b4-807b-8870-4772-eb45388cc91f"> </span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
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</span>Staff2016-10-17T21:48:00ZWhy You Need to Vote in This ElectionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-You-Need-to-Vote-in-This-Election/483849882240284859.html2016-10-13T00:42:00Z2016-10-13T00:42:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e">
<p dir="ltr">I make a point of avoiding politics, as I don't want such issues to interfere with my work in helping people be and do better in their lives. I don't believe what I'm writing here is political, but instead is philosophical and moral. Frankly, I would not invite either main candidate for President to my home for dinner. Some people don't want to vote at all. This is very wrong.<br /><br />Even if you believe in your heart that your candidate or both candidates are not worthy, there are still issues such as the nomination of Supreme Court judges, the Second Amendment, partial birth abortion, dealing with ISIS, immigration, jobs and the economy to be considered. Each party has a different view on all of these issues. So, please DO vote and vote in whichever direction you believe the country should move.<br /><br />With a nod to the immortal words of the American naval hero Admiral David Farragut: "Damn the candidates...full speed ahead!"</p>
</span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em><br /></em></p>
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</span>Staff2016-10-13T00:42:00ZShould I Dump a Family Member?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Should-I-Dump-a-Family-Member/-169040178476548029.html2016-10-12T18:42:00Z2016-10-12T18:42:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e">
<p dir="ltr"><span>The impact of family on your personality and reactions to the world is extremely profound. Unfortunately, many of you have not had good experiences, and now as adults, you’re faced with a very tough decision:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“Do I continue a relationship with my parent/grandparent/sibling/etc.?”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Most people who call my show with this dilemma are consumed by feelings of guilt, failure, emptiness, doubt, grief, or abandonment. They’re often getting crap from other family members who say that if they cared about family, they would let the bad behavior slide. Many parents, particularly mothers, are willing to turn a blind eye to a child who is a drunk, druggie, thief, or molester and cajole the good kid to eat the wrong-doer’s dirt.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>So, when is it OK to dump a family member?</span></p>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>If they’re physically or mentally abusive. </strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>If they cause you stress in an on-going way. </strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>If you spend a tremendous amount of time and energy dealing with them, even losing sleep and health over it.</strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>If there’s only one side to the relationship, and it’s mostly about your money. </strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>If they’re trying to take you down with them. </strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>If they’re gossipy and manipulative, playing you like a chess piece against the rest of the family. </strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>If the only contact you have with them leaves you feeling ill.</strong></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>If something bad always happens when you interact.</strong></p>
</li>
</ul>
<p dir="ltr"><span>If any of the above qualities describe your relationship with a family member, it’s time to cut and run. Don’t enable and don’t cater. Block him or her from your phone, email, and Facebook. Don’t get in the middle of any family squabbles, and try to only have contact when something major happens, such as a birth or death. If you’re married, remember that </span><strong>your <em>current </em>family is your </strong><span><strong>priority</strong>.</span><span> If your parents or siblings are impacting your spouse or kids, you need to take action. The vows you made when you got married mean your moral obligation is to your spouse and children, </span><em>not </em><span>your toxic mother, father, aunt, uncle, cousin, or sibling.</span></p>
</span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2016-10-12T18:42:00ZThings You Should Never Share on Social MediaStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Things-You-Should-Never-Share-on-Social-Media/667354887602932352.html2016-10-11T17:25:00Z2016-10-11T17:25:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba">
<p dir="ltr"><span id="docs-internal-guid-11d91e9b-3290-32f6-a44f-6f33d2748531"><strong>Your relationship problems. </strong><span>It’s damaging and it’s only one side of the story. And there is such a thing as privacy.</span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong><br class="kix-line-break" />Your relationship status. </strong><span>Do you want to give your stalker the green light they’ve been waiting for while simultaneously letting them know that you’re more likely to be home alone? </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>Naked baby photos.</strong><span> Although they can be super-cute and adorable, they shouldn’t be on Facebook. There are perverts out there. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>Embarrassing stories about someone else. </strong><span>If </span><span>you want to share something embarrassing that happened to you, go ahead, but don’t humiliate somebody else. It’s not funny.</span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>Personal information. </strong><span>Don’t be dumb enough to post your address or other private information.</span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>Secrets and lies. </strong><span>Don’t post something that you don’t want the world to see. If you hate your job or lied about being sick, it’s not a good idea to post it. It will come back to bite you. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong><br class="kix-line-break" />Someone else’s news. </strong><span>There are things that other people don’t want on Facebook - maybe they’re pregnant, moving, or getting married. It’s </span><span>their</span><span> news to share, not yours.</span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>Your location. </strong><span>Don’t post your current location. I just love when people snap a shot and say, </span><em>“Right now, I’m at…”</em><span>,</span><span> </span><span>or,</span><em> “Hey, I’m going on vacation on the 25th of August. Please, come rob me.”</em><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>Work problems.</strong><span> Talking about work-related issues on social media is a bad idea. Even an innocent status update about how mad you are about missing a deadline on a project can provide valuable information to competitors. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>*When in doubt, </span><span>before you post anything online think to yourself, </span><em>“Would I want my boss, my family, or my mother to see this?” </em><span>If not, don’t post it. </span></span></p>
</span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2016-10-11T17:25:00ZHow to Defeat Your Self-Destructive BehaviorStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Defeat-Your-Self-Destructive-Behavior/905478819493050080.html2016-10-06T21:36:00Z2016-10-06T21:36:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-069f9cdc-801a-33b8-4c6f-435b7dcb3429"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3bddf1e3-805e-af49-5ad7-9fb4c6bada47"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0bccc2bc-8068-0995-86cb-1cd6e0f0a821"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6a49ae8b-8071-2143-c4c9-15ff6e2c4704"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-45b08dd9-8075-f0df-aa46-ef0d097ad765"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-54521ee1-80af-84c9-8ddb-3d9599bbc482">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Everybody has self-destructive behaviors, some worse than others. Some of these behaviors include:</span></p>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Self-harm (cutting, scratching, pulling out your hair, etc.) </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Gambling </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Overeating</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Abusing drugs or alcohol</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Having risky sex</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Shopping too much </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Ignoring your health and well-being </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Refusing to take responsibility </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Thinking negatively</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Acting overly needy</span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Allowing others to treat you poorly</span></p>
</li>
</ul>
<p dir="ltr"><span>In order to stop a self-destructive behavior once and for all, the first step is to </span><strong>recognize what exactly it is you are doing wrong. </strong><span>If you can’t put your finger on it, ask the people who know and love you.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Next, you have to </span><strong>ask yourself<em> why</em> the behavior is negative. </strong><span>For example,</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“Why is drinking too much bad?”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“Because it leads to blackouts, hangovers, impaired decisions, and hurting the people I love.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>You have to think about what the advantages would be to change.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Step three is to </span><strong>figure out why you do it.</strong><span> Are you trying to fit in? Do you want to feel more secure? Are you trying to distract yourself from stress, guilt, shame, or remorse? What is your trigger? Our thoughts are linked to our feelings, which are in turn, linked to our behaviors. In other words, how you see yourself in the world really dictates, to a large extent, what you’re going to feel and what you’re going to do. </span><strong>Don’t hide from your feelings. </strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Lastly, you need to </span><strong>do something about it.</strong><span> Oftentimes, fear, anger, or anxiety lead us to exaggerate the negative and spiral back into the destructive behavior. You need to </span><strong>practice thinking about the positive and narrowing the negative.</strong><span> When you do that, it’s amazing how something completely horrendous can become utterly rational.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Make small changes. </strong><span>Add a piece of fruit or a vegetable to your lunch. Do something nice for someone else. Find an activity that does more good than harm, such as writing, painting, exercising, hiking, or gardening. Join an organization that talks about higher powers if that works for you. Whatever it is, you need to replace what you were doing with something healthier.</span></p>
</span><span id="docs-internal-guid-1f0605b4-807b-8870-4772-eb45388cc91f"> </span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2016-10-06T21:36:00ZThe Importance of Family TraditionsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Importance-of-Family-Traditions/-343770352876307908.html2016-10-04T22:08:00Z2016-10-04T22:08:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-069f9cdc-801a-33b8-4c6f-435b7dcb3429"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3bddf1e3-805e-af49-5ad7-9fb4c6bada47"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0bccc2bc-8068-0995-86cb-1cd6e0f0a821"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6a49ae8b-8071-2143-c4c9-15ff6e2c4704"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-45b08dd9-8075-f0df-aa46-ef0d097ad765"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-54521ee1-80af-84c9-8ddb-3d9599bbc482"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-298c57c1-80b5-8cfb-e15a-130bfa62cf0f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-12596d51-80ba-a24d-541f-fcc41086b3f4"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c3e7659f-80be-31df-b764-e1702e3497ea"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-1f5b167f-80c5-25a7-3d0d-3790fb29d53f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-51e605f0-80cd-18f1-3a6f-0bddf60b1f62">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Family traditions and rituals are activities you do consistently together that tell the story of your family. Anything from having a family pizza or movie night to attending church to playing board games can constitute a family tradition.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Family traditions are very important for the happiness, mental health, and well-being of children. Special rituals instill kids with a sense of security, connection, and identity while counteracting loneliness and anxiety.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>As parents, </span><span><strong>the three main types of traditions you need to establish with your kids are</strong></span><strong> daily connections, weekly connections, and life-changing moments. Daily connections </strong><span>include eating family dinners or reading stories together at bedtime. This special time allows you to interact face-to-face with your kids and discuss your values and cultural heritage. </span><strong>Weekly connections </strong><span>are the special things you do on the weekend that everyone looks forward to, such as making breakfast together on Saturday morning. </span><strong>Life-changing moments</strong><span> are the traditions in which we celebrate milestones and make a big fuss, such as the first day of school or a graduation.</span></p>
<span>If you come from a family that didn’t have any traditions, then get creative and start building your own. Make sure you include all three types outlined above!</span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2016-10-04T22:08:00ZIf You Have a Problem with Someone, Talk to Them!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/If-You-Have-a-Problem-with-Someone,-Talk-to-Them!/453374785575921017.html2016-10-04T05:08:00Z2016-10-04T05:08:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-28e3e57f-49a7-75aa-1226-d9657d71f15f">
<p dir="ltr"><span>The biggest problem in relationships is miscommunication.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Every day on my show, people call to ask me how to deal with issues they’re having with spouses, parents, and other family members. When I ask them if they have asked that person about it, the response I typically get is, </span><em>“Well, no.” </em><span>It’s like people don’t really want to know the answer. However, if you do find out, at least one of two things can happen:<br /></span></p>
<ol>
<li><strong>You won’t have to suffer anymore.</strong></li>
<li><strong>Something might actually get resolved.</strong></li>
</ol></span>
<p dir="ltr"><span>So, when you are having a problem with another person, </span><em>talk</em><span> to</span><span> </span><span>them about it. Make sure you </span><strong>speak how you would want to be spoken to</strong><span>. If you start out with an attack, you’ll end up with a war. However, if you begin with kindness and clarity, you’ll have a much easier time dealing with the entire situation. When you’re talking to your spouse and have something to say that’s a little edgy, start out with,</span><em> “Sweetie, ....” </em><span>Always begin positive, and then frame whatever it is you want them to know.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Then, </span><strong>ask for a response.</strong><span> Sometimes people won’t answer your questions or acknowledge your feelings. Sit there and say, </span><em>“I need a response. I need to understand what you’re thinking and feeling.” </em><strong>Never assume you know how someone else feels.</strong></p>
<span>Talking something out doesn’t mean you’re going to get your way or be happy with what you hear. But at least you have the important information.</span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
<div><span><img src="/images/blog/blog_100316.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></div>
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<p dir="ltr"> </p>Staff2016-10-04T05:08:00ZWhy Wait to Have Sex?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Wait-to-Have-Sex/-980486917203364973.html2016-09-29T21:59:00Z2016-09-29T21:59:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f3d758b7-3f7d-9d16-124e-25e37b8443a1"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2e382d81-3f8b-29fc-3d78-6f50d676ea78"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c0893fd0-9039-c3f7-6daf-f23495d5543f">
<p dir="ltr"><span>People who engage in sex before or within the first few weeks of dating have lower levels of relationship satisfaction, communication, and stability than those who wait longer. Why? Because sex is lust over love. Without a foundation, the excitement of the passion wanes, and the relationship crumbles.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Most women want the first time they have sex with a man to be mind-blowing, special, and something that brings them closer together. However, there is no love or commitment early on in a relationship, so none of those needs are met. I find it remarkable how many women would not entrust their apartment keys to a guy they just met (even if it’s just to water their plants) and yet, give no thought to exposing their bloodstreams and precious eggs to STDs and unplanned pregnancies.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Contrary to what you see in the movies, people screaming orgasms 20 minutes after meeting each other rarely happens in real life. First-date sex is usually awkward, and it runs on </span><span>his</span><span> timeline (if you get my drift). Plus, there isn’t that much warm-up because there isn’t that much caring to give you a warm-up.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Nothing has changed in the double standard. The more sexual partners a guy has had, the less he thinks of women and the sex he has with them. Guys know that the quicker they can get you to bed, the less wifey material you are. You may be humping for a few years or even shacking up, but there’s no true emotional bond. </span><strong>Men don’t value what they don’t have to work hard for.</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>So, if you want a healthy relationship, you should charge a high price for sex - the price being attention, care, and commitment.</span></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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</span> </span>Staff2016-09-29T21:59:00Z9 Ways to Be HappierStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/9-Ways-to-Be-Happier/350123936868610769.html2016-09-28T05:59:00Z2016-09-28T05:59:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f3d758b7-3f7d-9d16-124e-25e37b8443a1"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2e382d81-3f8b-29fc-3d78-6f50d676ea78">
<p dir="ltr"><span>I suspect there might be somebody somewhere who is happy all the time, but I am certainly not. Personally, I struggle with happiness a lot and really have to work at it. So, I don’t think it’s </span><em>easy</em><span> to be happy. However, there are some things you can do to feed your happiness level: </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Lower your expectations. </strong><span>William Shakespeare wrote that expectation is the root of all heartache. As I have told so many people on my show over the years, if you lower your expectations regarding a person or situation, you won’t be disappointed. </span><strong>The difference between expectation and reality is the space where disappointment builds.</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Have a goal.</strong><span> Get organized, learn something new, or challenge yourself in some way.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Don’t put your happiness in the hands of the future. </strong><span>Never say things like, </span><em>“I’ll be happy when I lose 10 pounds,” </em><span>or, <em>“</em></span><em>I’ll be happy when I find the right person to marry.”</em><span> If you keep postponing happiness, you’re either going to be disappointed or you won’t even know it when it slaps you in the face.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Surround yourself with people who make an effort to be happy.</strong><span> Misery loves company, so avoid the miserable. If you’re around people who are happy, their emotional state will be infectious.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>5. Use yesterday as a lesson, not a place to live. </strong><span>We’ve all screwed up, but (hopefully) you have learned from your mistakes and now act and think differently. This makes you a teacher, not a hypocrite. </span><strong>Your past does not define you. You define your past every day.</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>6. When something goes wrong, come up with a plan to turn things around. </strong><span>I believe a certain amount of whining, complaining, and stomping around is OK, but keep it minimal. The moment you shift from </span><em>“poor me”</em><span> to </span><em>“how can I fix this?”</em><span>, you can turn the circumstances back in your favor. </span><strong>Don’t let a setback take you down. </strong><span>If you need help, call someone you know and trust, and brainstorm on how you can make things better.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>7. Do nice things for yourself. </strong><span>For me, it’s pouring a glass of Santa Margherita Pinot Grigio at the end of a long day, putting my feet up with the dogs snoozing on either side of me, and watching a movie.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>8. Find the humor in life.</strong><span> It’s a great way to deal with things.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>9. Take care of yourself. </strong><span>Eating right and exercising makes you feel a whole lot better.</span></p>
<span>Happiness is not about luck. Anybody can be happy, but it’s up to </span><em>you </em><span>to make it happen.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2016-09-28T05:59:00ZHow to Deal with Workplace BulliesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Deal-with-Workplace-Bullies/135651536298667849.html2016-09-26T20:29:00Z2016-09-26T20:29:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f3d758b7-3f7d-9d16-124e-25e37b8443a1"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2e382d81-3f8b-29fc-3d78-6f50d676ea78"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-cc844d7b-8fe7-9d43-cee7-be13048ab435">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Each and every one of us has likely encountered a bully at work. Someone who overlooks or belittles your work, makes backhanded comments about your personal life, spreads gossip, humiliates you in public, withholds critical information in order to sabotage you, or blames you without any justification or proof.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>So the big question is, what can you do about it?</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>First, </span><span><strong>try talking to the person</strong>. </span><span>Gently say something like, <em>“</em></span><em>We must have gotten off on the wrong foot because the feedback I’m getting is that you’re really unhappy with my work, or I’m rubbing you the wrong way.”</em><span> This probably won’t work, but at least you tried.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span><strong>Document EVERYTHING</strong>.</span><span> Get a notebook (don’t use your computer), and start making a log. </span><span><strong>Keep your emotions out of it</strong>. </span><span>Don’t write, </span><em>“I was feeling very upset,” </em><span>or,</span><em> “They made me feel bad.” </em><span>If you have to bring this to HR or an attorney, you don’t want to sound like a neurotic, unstable wreck. Instead write,<em> “</em></span><em>Thursday at 3 p.m., Mary came in and said…” </em><strong>State the facts - <em>only</em> the facts. </strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Before you share your log, </span><strong>consider your options</strong><span><strong>.</strong> Talk to people who have been at the company for a long time to get a sense of what happens when someone files a complaint. Is it taken seriously? Is the person paid off or fired? Can you ask for a transfer? Can you apply for a different job within the company? What happens? Know that information in advance because at some point, you’re going to have to report this to HR. Your only option may be to look for another job, but at least you can be prepared.<br /> </span></p>
</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2016-09-26T20:29:00Z5 Body Language TipsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Body-Language-Tips/761775232337961608.html2016-09-23T04:59:00Z2016-09-23T04:59:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2c4ed2e0-3e02-8c82-7fb0-bed3769e2c71"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-108e2195-3e08-ace3-20b3-d59688bec564"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-53c95926-498f-98a1-0535-5fc631c691b5"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f68af0c0-4999-1699-2455-5dcb80020b9e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-9033c717-499f-3c42-67a9-ae774bdf56cd">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Body language not only reinforces what you say when you speak. It can also improve your mood. Here are five body language tips that speak volumes:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Improve your posture. </strong><span>Putting your shoulders back and down boosts your mood and energy. I often tell callers on the air to sit up straight because I can hear when their bodies are all folded up and slouching. It allows them to get enough air into their chest cavity and warm up their vocal cords to make a statement. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Smile. </strong><span>When we see a smile, our brains want to smile too.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Mirror.</strong><span> When I got credentialed in hypnotherapy, one of the first lessons we learned was mirroring. If you start nodding or breathing at the same rate as someone else, it increases your rapport and makes the person feel closer to you. Try that when you’re talking with somebody today; you’ll feel the whole relationship get warmer.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Make yourself look big. </strong><span>Have you ever seen a pufferfish or chimpanzee puff up to look big and establish dominance? The more room you take up, the more confident and powerful you look. Practice in front of a mirror.</span></p>
<strong>5. Make eye contact. </strong><span>Two people sitting and looking into each other’s eyes for just two minutes is enough to create increased feelings of affection. When we make eye contact, we are more self-aware and invested in the other person.</span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><strong><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! <br /> </em></strong><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2016-09-23T04:59:00ZHow to Deal with RejectionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Deal-with-Rejection/-822077028634120243.html2016-09-20T05:46:00Z2016-09-20T05:46:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f3d758b7-3f7d-9d16-124e-25e37b8443a1">
<p dir="ltr"><span>One of the biggest reasons people struggle with rejection is they grew up in a family that ignored, discouraged, or discounted their emotions:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“You’re not smart.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“You’re not interesting.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“You’re not accomplished.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“You’re not confident.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“You’re not fun.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“You’re not likable.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“You’re not lovable.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“You’re not good.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“You’re not beautiful.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“You’re not fit.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“You’re not disciplined.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“You’re not (fill in the blank).”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>When you are built insecure, you expect to be abandoned or rejected.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>However, rejection is a part of life. It’s ugly, painful, frightening, and disappointing, but we can’t avoid it. We can only re-frame it.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Think about it this way: all rejection means is that you tried something. A lot of times people will reject you for reasons that don’t necessarily have anything to do with you.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>For example, I remember when I first started in radio 40 years ago as a co-host on somebody else’s show once a week. The first day, a woman called in and completely lambasted me. I was devastated and humiliated.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>However, nine months later, almost to the day, the same woman called back and apologized to me on air. She said, </span><em>“I’ve been listening to you, and you do have something to say. I apologize for what I did.”</em></p>
<span><em>So remember, rejection doesn’t mean your life is over.</em></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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</span> </span>Staff2016-09-20T05:46:00ZTeaching Kids How to Deal with Their FeelingsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Teaching-Kids-How-to-Deal-with-Their-Feelings/840681048894848385.html2016-09-15T18:20:00Z2016-09-15T18:20:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Kids learn how to identify and express their feelings by watching you deal with yours.</span><span> </span><span>When somebody has died, you lose a job, or something traumatic happens, it’s more than OK to </span><strong>let your kids see you cry.</strong><span> It’s actually </span><em>important</em><span> that they see you show pain and emotion, otherwise they grow up thinking they’re not supposed to have feelings.</span><span> </span><span>Crying and feeling sad are a part of life. It’s not all rainbows and lollipops. Your kids need to see you acknowledge it, talk about it, and come up with a plan to remedy the situation. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>Now, there’s a major </span><span>difference between crying and having a meltdown. Your kids do not need to see you acting hysterical in front of them because it doesn’t teach them anything and totally undermines their sense of security in the world. It’s like the floor caving in from under them.</span></p>
<span>I also want to note that there are things worth crying about and things that aren’t (like spilled milk). </span><strong>Sometimes, you need to pull your act together, take care of business, and get on with life.</strong></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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</span> </span>Staff2016-09-15T18:20:00ZSigns You're in a One-Sided RelationshipStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Signs-Youre-in-a-One-Sided-Relationship/-794331704254733374.html2016-09-14T05:34:00Z2016-09-14T05:34:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-57608417-3f67-ed72-5f24-9a7b34c9a595"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8e9a47f7-3f72-de4d-b413-49116f893d2c">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He’s not sure how he feels. </strong><span>When you’re with someone for almost a year and he’s still not sure where he stands, he’s not that interested in you.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He tries to change you. </strong><span>Instead of appreciating who you are as an individual, he criticizes, finds faults, and nitpicks.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>He’s not affectionate. </strong><span>He doesn’t want to hold hands, look into your eyes, or cuddle. If you’re initiating affection and all he’s initiating is sex, then you know you’re at cross-purposes. It’s true that some guys are just shy and introverted, but that’s also going to be a problem in the long haul because the chances of him changing aren’t great.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You haven’t met his family. </strong><span>Unless his family is dangerous or destructive, he should want you to meet them.</span></p>
<strong>You make all the plans. </strong><span>You can’t be the only one putting in the effort.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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</span> </span>Staff2016-09-14T05:34:00ZHow to Break a Bad Habit Once and for AllStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Break-a-Bad-Habit-Once-and-for-All/-521232075648772975.html2016-09-13T05:22:00Z2016-09-13T05:22:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-57608417-3f67-ed72-5f24-9a7b34c9a595">
<p dir="ltr"><span>We generally develop bad habits for two main reasons:</span></p>
<ol>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>We’re stressed</strong><span>, and/or </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>We’re bored</strong></p>
</li>
</ol>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Obviously there can be deeper, more traumatic issues at play, but everything from biting nails to overspending to drinking to wasting time online is most likely due to stress or boredom.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Now, </span><strong>stopping cold turkey is not a good plan</strong><span> because the behavior provides for a need. In order to break the bad habit, </span><strong>you need to replace it with something healthier</strong><span>. You can meditate or take a walk around the block. No matter what it is, you need to have a substitute already in place for the next time you get the urge to smoke or procrastinate on Facebook. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>In some cases, all you need to do is </span><strong>change the environment</strong><span>, at least in the beginning. If you tend to smoke when you drink, don’t go out to bars. If you eat cookies when they’re in the house, don’t have cookies in the house. In addition to changing the environment, it’s also a lot easier to stop a habit when you’re breaking it with somebody else. By pairing up, you hold each other accountable and celebrate each other’s successes. In general, you should only hang out with people who are supportive of the new person you are becoming. There are a lot of people who like to keep you just the way you are because it serves them better. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Another technique that really helps is to </span><span><strong>walk around with a little notepad and pen, and record when you give in to your bad habit</strong>.</span><span> Write down what you did and what time it happened. The purpose of this exercise is not to make you feel stupid or guilty. It’s simply to make you more aware of what’s going on with you.</span></p>
<span>Finally, when you screw up (and you will), get off your own case. There is no changing without failure. Tell yourself, </span><em>“I know I screwed up, but I don’t have to screw up tomorrow.”</em><span> Visualize yourself crushing it, and then go do it.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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</span> </span>Staff2016-09-13T05:22:00Z4 Myths About LoveStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/4-Myths-About-Love/339102483476279808.html2016-09-09T04:42:00Z2016-09-09T04:42:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2c4ed2e0-3e02-8c82-7fb0-bed3769e2c71"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-108e2195-3e08-ace3-20b3-d59688bec564"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-53c95926-498f-98a1-0535-5fc631c691b5">
<p dir="ltr"><span>It’s not hard to get mixed up about what love is when you watch movie after movie where people meet each other, have sex, and 20 minutes later, fall in love. People wait for that hysterical feeling of bouncing up and down like popcorn heating up, but in reality, that’s just infatuation. Infatuation keeps you around in the beginning long enough to really get to know each other and determine if you can survive rough patches together.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are some of the most common myths about love:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Love is grand gestures. </strong><span>Love is not constant romance and flowers. It’s waking up with morning breath and still kissing. In real life, </span><strong>love is making little sacrifices for the person you love, and the romance is in the details.</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Love is having butterflies. </strong><span>Butterflies are the nervous tension you feel when you’re nervous or insecure about a situation. If you still have butterflies, frankly there’s something wrong with the relationship. By now, you should feel comfortable and loved. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Love is enough. </strong><span>When people say they’ve “grown apart”, it really means that they have both decided to be self-centered and stop acting sweet and giving. You have to </span><em>make</em><span> the connection happen. </span><strong>Love is a verb</strong><span> - it requires you to go out of your way to make the person you love happy. It’s about waking up in the morning and having your first conscious thought be, </span><em><strong>“How can I make this person happy they are alive and married to me?” </strong></em></p>
<strong>4. Love is the only feeling you need to be happy.</strong><span> You need to have your own passions, hobbies, friends, activities, and sense of self separate from your relationship. You cannot count on somebody else to make you happy ALL of the time.</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><strong><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! <br /> </em></strong><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2016-09-09T04:42:00ZWays You're Being Rude and Don't Even Know ItStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Ways-Youre-Being-Rude-and-Dont-Even-Know-It/-507881954975388532.html2016-09-07T20:39:00Z2016-09-07T20:39:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3d385be3-4291-c705-30dd-47ab4e24b6da"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8060d1d2-42a8-da06-9b98-897704ac51d7"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-bad48991-7ffb-461f-7383-fed9d1277cbf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2eacc0e5-8004-92e1-0ba0-02ddc9529a95"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-289c9b61-8009-8cec-4573-3d7a1dd7caeb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a173f3b4-8010-7483-df13-829494a3898e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-069f9cdc-801a-33b8-4c6f-435b7dcb3429"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3bddf1e3-805e-af49-5ad7-9fb4c6bada47"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-0bccc2bc-8068-0995-86cb-1cd6e0f0a821"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6a49ae8b-8071-2143-c4c9-15ff6e2c4704"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-45b08dd9-8075-f0df-aa46-ef0d097ad765">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You don’t RSVP. </strong> Be honest with whoever has invited you - it’s better than not responding at all.</p>
<span id="docs-internal-guid-1f0605b4-807b-8870-4772-eb45388cc91f">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You don’t greet people. </strong><span>Say, </span><em>“Good morning/afternoon/evening”</em><span> and ask how people are doing, even when you’re just texting someone. Don’t be all business all the time. Take the extra second and be polite. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You are totally unaware of your surroundings. </strong><span>You need to focus on more than just yourself.</span><span> </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You shake hands when you’re sick. </strong><span>It’s polite to protect others from your germs.</span><span> </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>You leave messes behind. </strong><span>Clean up after yourself.</span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>You give one-word answers </strong><span>(or even worse, your default response is,</span><em>“I don’t know</em><span><em>”</em>). </span><span>You can just say that you don’t have an opinion</span><span>. </span><span>Take a little time to say more than </span><em>“no”</em><span>. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>You exhibit negative body language.</strong><span> Talking to someone with your arms crossed conveys timidness or arrogance. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>You constantly check your phone when you’re with someone. </strong><span>Unless you’re waiting on an important call, put your phone away.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Y<strong>ou attack others on social media. </strong></span>Don’t put anything on that screen that you wouldn’t say about yourself.</p>
</span> </span> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /></em></p>
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</span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span>Staff2016-09-07T20:39:00ZDealing with Disagreements in Your MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dealing-with-Disagreements-in-Your-Marriage/-482424381857999818.html2016-09-06T22:58:00Z2016-09-06T22:58:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2c4ed2e0-3e02-8c82-7fb0-bed3769e2c71"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-108e2195-3e08-ace3-20b3-d59688bec564">
<p dir="ltr"><span>In a marriage, there is no reason to ever have a fight. Disagreements are fine, but never a fight. Fights are nasty, mean, dirty, and hurtful. Disagreements, on the other hand, are used to work out issues and come up with a win-win solution.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are my tips for dealing with differences of opinion in your marriage:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Own your poop. </strong><span>Take responsibility for how you contributed to the problem.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be willing to talk. </strong><span>Avoiding discussions because you’re “not a confrontational person” is gutless and passive aggressive. </span><em>Nobody</em><span> likes confrontation.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Attack the problem, not the person. </strong><span>Stick to the issue at hand instead of name-calling or taking digs at your spouse.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t hang on to problems. </strong><span>If something bugs you, bring it up then and there. Don’t keep it bottled up and then spring it on your spouse later.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Provide a solution, not just a complaint. </strong><span>Tell your spouse what you would prefer they do differently. Then ask if that’s something they can live with.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Allow your spouse to save face</strong><span><strong>.</strong> Don’t remind them of their screw-ups. At some point, we have all acted unreasonably or had bad days. Let your spouse save face (unless, of course, it’s a consistent pattern).</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Make sacrifices. </strong><span>The best marriages are those in which two people are willing to make sacrifices for each other. You do things you don’t always want to do or like because it’s a gift to your spouse (think of the O. Henry story, </span><em>The Gift of the Magi</em><span>).</span></p>
<span>Now, some people are so selfish, pigheaded, or stubborn that you’re simply not going to make any headway with them. If that’s the case, you shouldn’t have married them in the first place. It takes about a year and a half to two years to really get to know somebody’s personality and character and work through problems with them so you know how they’re going to act when things go south.</span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><strong><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! <br /> </em></strong><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2016-09-06T22:58:00ZHow to Stop Letting the Past Dictate TodayStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Stop-Letting-the-Past-Dictate-Today/725003949623361347.html2016-09-01T22:52:00Z2016-09-01T22:52:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2c4ed2e0-3e02-8c82-7fb0-bed3769e2c71">
<p dir="ltr"><em>A grandfather is talking with his grandson, and he says there are two wolves inside of us which are always at war with each other.</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>One of them is a good wolf, which represents things like kindness, bravery and love. The other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed, hatred and fear.</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>The grandson stops and thinks about it for a second, then he looks up at his grandfather and asks, “Grandfather, which one wins?”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>The grandfather quietly replies, “The one you feed.”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>You cannot forget or ignore the past. However, if you keep recycling negative memories, you’ll never have freedom. </span><strong>Yesterday is NOT today.</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Waiting for apologies is silly and so is trying to redo the past. Dating or marrying someone like your mom or dad won’t make things turn out any different.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Many of you feel justified staying stuck because you were wronged and you’re waiting for that person to make you feel better. Others of you think that if you do let go, you’re somehow approving someone’s bad behavior. However, these are limiting thoughts with no basis in reality.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>You need to cut the connection between your feelings about the past and your opportunities today. You must recognize how your current thoughts are feeding your suffering even more than whatever happened in the past. That was then and this is now. Be in the present, and </span><strong>stop dueling the present with the past. </strong></p>
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<p dir="ltr"><strong><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! <br /> </em></strong><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2016-09-01T22:52:00ZWhy You're Feeling Emotionally ExhaustedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Youre-Feeling-Emotionally-Exhausted/-266206569159526681.html2016-08-30T22:45:00Z2016-08-30T22:45:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-4ef5192e-32e4-36c6-62ef-13f7c46ad3b3"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-9eecb9fd-32f3-ea06-1057-afc08631c566"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-70529d8c-3dfc-5d69-e06b-387aebabdc77">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are five of the biggest reasons we feel emotionally drained:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. We use all-or-nothing thinking.</strong><span> We have a tendency to see reality based on our emotions. However, sometimes you have to think with your head and not with your heart. Your rational mind has to question whether something is actually real or permanent. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. We engage in activities and/or relationships we know we shouldn’t be in. </strong><span>We make our lives harder trying to be someone else so that we can be accepted and deemed worthy by others.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. We focus on our weaknesses instead of our strengths. </strong><span>When you’re paralyzed by not knowing what to do, focus on what you </span><em>can</em><span> do.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. We don’t have something to look forward to. </strong><span>When you’re stressed, place something new, fun, or exciting in the future that you can look forward to.</span></p>
<strong>5. We don’t have a passion. </strong><span>Engage your mind, body, and soul in something that’s creative, productive, and enjoyable. </span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong></em></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2016-08-30T22:45:00ZWhy We Stay in Bad RelationshipsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-We-Stay-in-Bad-Relationships/-68307802160415737.html2016-08-29T19:17:00Z2016-08-29T19:17:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-4ef5192e-32e4-36c6-62ef-13f7c46ad3b3"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-9eecb9fd-32f3-ea06-1057-afc08631c566">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Why do we stay in relationships that we know are well past their expiration date? Here are five of the most common reasons: </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. You blame yourself. </strong><span>By saying, </span><em>“Well, maybe it’s me,” </em><span>you turn yourself into the bad guy. It’s an excuse and deflection so you don’t have to dump the other person. </span><span> </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. You want to avoid the pain. </strong><span>You may rank your relationship as a 5 out of 10 on the happiness scale, but breaking up will temporarily bring you down to a 2 or 3. Even though eventually you’d be happier (let’s say a 9), you stay with a 5 because you don’t want to slip down to a 2 or 3. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. You don’t want to be lonely. </strong><span>There’s something very special about having chemistry with someone and being connected. You become open and vulnerable, and it’s hard to give that up even though it’s clear you should.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. You feel stupid that you’ve held on this long. </strong><span>You stay in a mistake simply because you spent a lot of time making it.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>5. You’re afraid. </strong><span>The number one reason people compromise their values and don’t let go of a bad relationship is the fear that they’re not going to find someone else. The possibility of never being loved again makes the devil they know better than the devil they don’t. That’s why it’s important to maintain a great support network of friends and family. Nothing makes breaking up scarier than feeling completely isolated. Get involved even more than you ever were with your friends, charities, and hobbies.</span></p>
<span>And once you know the relationship isn’t right, don’t drag it out with all of this neurotic stuff. It doesn’t make things any easier. Just face it, accept it, and suffer the pain. Suffering is the only way we grow.</span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2016-08-29T19:17:00Z4 Ways to Stop WorryingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/4-Ways-to-Stop-Worrying/970969829124505872.html2016-08-25T19:01:00Z2016-08-25T19:01:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-4ef5192e-32e4-36c6-62ef-13f7c46ad3b3">
<p dir="ltr">I wish that every time I worried about something, it got resolved. However, life doesn’t work that way. <strong>Worrying has no power to make anything better.</strong> Here are 4 things you can do the next time you start to fall down the rabbit hole:</p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Distract yourself.</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Take a hot bath, go for a run, or do something to activate your senses and divert your attention. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Breathe.</strong><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>Breathe in for five seconds, hold for five seconds, and then breathe out for five seconds.<br /></span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Repeat a mantra.</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>You’ll notice on my show that I give people mantras to help them get back on track:</span></p>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>“I believe in myself.”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>“I’m in charge of how I feel right now, and I’m not going to let this take control.”</em></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><em>“My body is freaking out, I’m scared out of my mind, but I know I’m OK.”</em></p>
</li>
</ul>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Recite the Serenity Prayer.</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...”</em><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>Probably the most frequent issue I help people with on my program is letting go of things they have zero control over. </span><strong>Don’t shorten your life by being a nervous wreck over something that can’t be fixed. </strong><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><em><br class="kix-line-break" />“…the courage to change the things I can...”</em><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>Another area people have trouble with is courage. One of the reasons you continue to bang on a door that will never open is that you’re afraid to find another door and walk through it. </span><strong>It’s easier to be the martyr and suffer and bang. It’s harder to have the courage to do something different. </strong><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><em>“…and the wisdom to know the difference.” </em><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>When you’re worried, scared, anxious, or vulnerable, your first instinct is to hide and not let others get close to you. But do you know what happens when you isolate yourself? You’re stuck with </span><em>YOU</em><span>. And it just gets worse and worse and worse…</span></p>
<span>So, </span><span><strong>let people love you and take care of you</strong>. </span><span>And don’t worry - be happy.</span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2016-08-25T19:01:00ZWhy Premarital Counseling Should Be a Marriage RequirementStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Premarital-Counseling-Should-Be-a-Marriage-Requirement/-277430285479409990.html2016-08-23T19:41:00Z2016-08-23T19:41:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2cc1f2ae-3d54-28b6-7772-74bdd8d6c302">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Before you get married, there are a million nuts and bolts and practicalities to talk about. However, most couples barely skim the surface. Young people in their early 20s are naive enough to think these things don’t matter, but as soon as the kids come along, they matter </span><strong>A LOT</strong><span>! That’s why I </span><em>strongly</em><span> recommend <strong>at least</strong></span><strong> six months of formal premarital counseling </strong>done by somebody registered and licensed in that area.</p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>According to the </span><em>Journal of Family Psychology</em><span>, spouses who have gone through premarital counseling are 30 percent less likely to divorce in the first five years of marriage. So why don’t more couples take this precaution? A lot of people are too emotional or afraid to look in the mirror. They’re scared they’ll find out something about themselves or their potential spouse that they won’t like. However, </span><span><strong>the truth is not going to magically go away after you get married. </strong></span><span>A good premarital counselor can help you bring up the heavy subjects that are hard to talk about. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Here are just a few of the things you’ll explore in premarital counseling:</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. How do you handle conflict? </strong><span>What are your hot buttons? Do you know how to solve problems without yelling, screaming, name-calling, pouting, or giving the silent treatment? An experienced counselor will help you get your egos out of the way and work as a team.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. What baggage are you bringing to the relationship? </strong><span>There are a lot of resentments people have even before they get married. If you grew up with divorced parents or a crappy family, you need to get that seaweed out of your ears before you carry it into your own marriage.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. What are your career goals? </strong><span>How many days a week and what hours will you work? Do you plan on changing careers?</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. What are your finances like? </strong><span>Does someone owe a lot of money? Who’s going to manage the finances and take care of household expenses? What kind of lifestyle do you want to have, and do you know how to save for it?</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>5. How is the sex? </strong><span>If you’re already getting it on, how is it going? Do you talk about sex with each other? Is either one of you hungering for more romance, kisses, hugs, or foreplay?</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>6. When do you want to have kids and how many?</strong><span> If you can’t have kids, are you going to adopt? Who is going to take care of the children?</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>7. What are your religious beliefs?</strong><span> If one of you believes that Jesus Christ is the son of God and the other doesn’t, how will you manage that? Is Jesus divine every alternate day? It’s not hard to see why married couples who share a religion have a higher success rate because it’s one more commonality they can embrace together. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>8. Do you like each other’s friends?</strong><span> How much time do you expect to socialize separately from each other?</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>9. How are your relationships with your in-laws? </strong><span>Who are you going to be spending holidays with, and what will your traditions be?</span></p>
<span>Many times, couples get through premarital counseling and don’t end up getting married because they discover they’re not a match. That’s OK! It’s actually a very admirable conclusion that will save you a lot of pain and heartache down the road. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span>Staff2016-08-23T19:41:00Z7 Things Today's Parents Fail to Teach Their KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/7-Things-Todays-Parents-Fail-to-Teach-Their-Kids/365556971055471841.html2016-08-22T21:42:00Z2016-08-22T21:42:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Frankly, too many parents today seem almost pathologically concerned with their kids being popular and socially accepted. They go along with things that are against their better judgment, like allowing their kids to participate in expensive fads, come home late, date too early, wear immodest clothing, watch inappropriate movies and TV shows, and have unrestricted smartphone access. The last thing they think about is sitting down with their children and teaching them about morals, values, principles, and ethics. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Here are the things you should be teaching your children:</strong><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>1. Honesty.</strong><span> Not the type practiced by politicians and businesspeople, but simple, pure truth-telling.</span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong><br class="kix-line-break" />2. Compassion. </strong><span>Being sensitive and conscientious of someone else’s distress in a sympathetic way is one of the most essential qualities of a decent human being. If your kid has a lot of compassion, they’re not going to stand by and let a bully hurt somebody, are they? </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>3. Perseverance.</strong><span> Saying </span><em>“screw it!” </em><span>every time you get </span><span>frustrated or lose is no way to make any real headway in life. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Self-restraint.</strong><span> Kids need to learn to control their own impulses, emotions, and desires. </span></p>
<strong>5. Grit. </strong><span>Show them that you are </span><span>willing to do things even if they are difficult or scary. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>6. Dependability. </strong><span>Teach your kids that they should always be trusted to do or provide what is necessary.</span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>7. Faithfulness. </strong><span>Show them how to be faithful through the way you treat your spouse and friends. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>8. Patience.</strong><span> Teach them how to calmly bear pains and trials.</span></span><span><br /></span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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</span>Staff2016-08-22T21:42:00ZWhy Time Doesn't Heal All WoundsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Time-Doesnt-Heal-All-Wounds/-969930948221776295.html2016-08-18T18:10:00Z2016-08-18T18:10:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Time does not heal all wounds. You don’t just magically bounce back from a painful divorce or the loss of a loved one. Acting tough and white-knuckling doesn’t end your misery. Your grief and sadness need to be acknowledged and dealt with.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>So, what can you do? </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Talk about it. </strong><span>Reach out to a good friend and/or a therapist. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t keep going over the same ground over and over again. </strong><span>If you stay fixated on the same crap, it becomes your identity and your home.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Don’t be overdramatic. </strong><span>You have to think to yourself, </span><em>“Is it really true that I can never be happy again?” </em><span>The answer is no. </span><span>And besides, nobody is happy all the time.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Identify the things you’re grateful for</strong><span><strong>.</strong> Focus on what </span><em>is</em><span> going right.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Have compassion (not pity) for yourself. </strong><span>Be less critical of yourself.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Be vulnerable</strong><span><strong>.</strong> Opening yourself up does make you more susceptible to judgment, criticism, humiliation, and degradation, but it </span><em>also</em><span> </span><span>makes you available to</span><span> love, support, tenderness, and understanding.</span></p>
<strong>Put in the effort. </strong><span>Feeling better isn’t an overnight, automatic process. There’s real effort that you have to put into it.</span></span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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</span>Staff2016-08-18T18:10:00ZSigns You're Having an Emotional AffairStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Signs-Youre-Having-an-Emotional-Affair/17017472574632189.html2016-08-16T19:23:00Z2016-08-16T19:23:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-3296-29a2-5291-9b1f41daf135"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-329a-adf1-3445-59cd8e87ff27"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e106b948-3d43-2a06-18c3-a888fbfad73d">
<p dir="ltr"><span>I have often been asked whether emotional or physical cheating is worse. In my opinion, it’s emotional cheating. Why? Because emotional cheating is ongoing. If a spouse is stupid and has a one-night stand, it seems self-contained. But an emotional affair requires time and a meaningful connection to develop.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Now, you’re probably going to experience a crush on somebody other than your spouse every now and then. That’s normal and natural. There are differing opinions on whether or not you should share that feeling with your spouse. I say keep it to yourself because I don’t think you should bring up things that will hurt your spouse or add mistrust to the relationship. There are certain burdens you should carry by yourself and not unload on your spouse.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>How do you know if a crush has turned into an emotional affair? Here are some of the signs:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. If you have to ask, <em>“Is this cheating?”</em>, the answer is probably yes.</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. You’re hiding something. </strong><span>Everybody needs a private life, but if you’re going out of your way to make sure your spouse doesn’t see your texts or emails, you’re up to no good and you damn well know it.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. You spiff up your hair, clothes, or makeup for someone other than your spouse.</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. You fantasize about someone else. </strong><span>Having random fantasies is only human. But if you’re consistently fantasizing about someone else, it’s going to interfere with your attraction to your spouse and do major damage to your relationship.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>5. You communicate with your crush more than your spouse.</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>6. You downplay the situation. </strong><span>When asked about the other person, you lie and say that he or she isn’t good looking or that you don’t like them.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>7. You bitch about problems in your marriage. </strong><span>Sometimes it’s OK to confide in friends, but if you’re bitching to a romantic interest instead of dealing with your spouse, that’s cheating.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>8. You flirt. </strong><span>Flirting is a betrayal of your spouse and a misrepresentation to the person you’re flirting with (unless you’re willing to leave your spouse). Don’t use other people to boost your ego. </span></p>
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</span>Staff2016-08-16T19:23:00ZHow to Stop Wasting Time and Start Managing Your LifeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Stop-Wasting-Time-and-Start-Managing-Your-Life/435865001705267103.html2016-08-15T17:41:00Z2016-08-15T17:41:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-3296-29a2-5291-9b1f41daf135"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-329a-adf1-3445-59cd8e87ff27">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Make yourself a schedule.</strong><span> When I was in college, I had a 3x5 notecard that mapped out every day of the week in 15-minute intervals, including where I was going to be and what I was going to be doing. That way, I was never frazzled and never forgot anything because it was all written down and organized. Now, I’m not suggesting that you lead your lives by 3x5 cards (it seems a little constipated to me on a daily basis in your regular life). But in a situation like college, it really paid off.</span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>Know what your goals are.</strong><span> You can’t go after what you want if you don’t know who you are or what your goals are. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>Eliminate distractions. </strong><span>Put your phone on silent so you're not constantly interrupted by texts and emails. If someone walks in, tell them you’re busy and will be with them as soon as you finish. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>Prioritize. </strong><span>You can never do everything you want to do in a given day. </span><strong>Ask yourself what really <em>needs</em> to be done. </strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>JUST DO IT</strong><span><strong>.</strong> This is the part where most of you fail. You’re probably good at making the lists, organizing the priorities, and figuring out everything you have to do, but when it comes down to actually doing something, you procrastinate. Some of you procrastinate simply out of habit. Others of you procrastinate because you feel a need to be perfect. Subconsciously, you think, </span><em>“If I’m not perfect, I won’t be loved.”</em><span> However, that’s a really self-destructive way to go through life because </span><strong>perfection is unattainable</strong><span>. Besides, nobody loves people who think they’re perfect; they usually resent them or find them annoying. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>Take regular breaks.</strong><span> A lot of people don’t understand that it’s not lazy to take breaks - it’s actually necessary. Your brain can only do so much for so long until your mind shuts down. Work for an hour and a half, and then take a 10- or 15-minute break. You’ll be more productive in the long run. </span></p>
<strong>Learn how to say <em>“no”</em>.</strong><span> If you tell someone, <em>“</em></span><em>No, I’m sorry I wish I could, but I can’t,” </em><span>and they stop liking you, there are two words for them. One starts with an F and the second word is “THEM”. Those people are not your friends - they’re moochers.</span></span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span>
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</span>Staff2016-08-15T17:41:00ZThe Difference Between Love and InfatuationStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Difference-Between-Love-and-Infatuation/842174516198033629.html2016-08-11T17:47:00Z2016-08-11T17:47:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada">
<p dir="ltr"><span>A lot of people think that infatuation is love, or that love is supposed to feel like infatuation, creating two equally disappointed groups.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Let’s distinguish between the two:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Infatuation is intense, but short-lived, passion. </strong><span>It happens fast and has more to do with your fantasies about another person than who they are. It’s the reason people jump from one relationship to another, because they like the intensity. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Love, on the other hand, is a feeling of deep affection. </strong><span>Contrary to all the stupid movies out there where two people meet and are in love by lunchtime, love is a very slow process and happens only when you really know somebody.</span></p>
<span>With love, you can be 100% yourself. You’re not constantly trying to make someone like you. Instead, you’re focused on their happiness. And if you do it right, love can be forever.</span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
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</span>Staff2016-08-11T17:47:00ZIs Your Marriage in Trouble?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Is-Your-Marriage-in-Trouble/23112165130126570.html2016-08-10T18:48:00Z2016-08-10T18:48:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-29bc0654-32b8-b2ea-7e21-d5fb3154ff42"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8d535c99-32c5-b238-0cd5-b2b1e7cbd0e6"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-da082f5d-32d9-db23-c827-0ca4237b3f0e">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Why do I think so many marriages fail these days?</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Well for one, with all of the divorce and chaos surrounding today’s family life, many people go into marriages feeling extremely insecure. They have a hard time trusting because of the turmoil from their childhoods.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Second, I think fewer people are willing to be honorable and feel more entitled to please themselves.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Third, spouses don’t take good enough care of each other. When they get married, they stop being each other’s boyfriend and girlfriend.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>So, what can you do to keep your marriage healthy and thriving?</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Assess your relationship. </strong><span>Really sit down and take an appraisal:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>When was the last time you two had fun together?</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>How would you rate your sex life?</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>Do you take romantic trips together?</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>Do you listen to one another?</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>Do you fight fairly?</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>Are you both happy with your marriage?</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>Do you respect and like each other?</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>Do you do sweet things for each other?</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>Has your spouse shared feelings of discontent and unhappiness in the marriage? Have you ignored that or gotten defensive about it?</em></p>
<span>Then take action and make the necessary changes. </span><strong>Maintenance on your marriage needs to be daily.</strong><span> If you have concerns, bring them up to your spouse without accusations. Don’t become pathetic, whiny, or enraged - simply have a discussion. </span></span>
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</span> </span>Staff2016-08-10T18:48:00ZHow to Say You're Sorry and Mean ItStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Say-Youre-Sorry-and-Mean-It/492812020674679692.html2016-08-09T17:56:00Z2016-08-09T17:56:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-0a44-ea6d-9cc3-ae61ffa43335"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-8c97a7a0-327c-f3aa-2ba6-90ffd4f925bb"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-c7e05f9b-3286-a476-8506-644099861fba"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-337c3f1c-329f-dc8f-7da5-e555322ffada"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2583f740-32ab-0cc8-d627-c9c9b762039c">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Why is it so hard for so many people to apologize? Because apologies take courage. You have to admit you’re wrong, put yourself in a vulnerable position, and open yourself up to blame, shame, and embarrassment. However, an apology is absolutely necessary in order to make amends and restore your integrity in somebody else’s eyes.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>A sincere apology requires two main parts:<br /></strong></p>
<ol>
<li><strong>Show true remorse.</strong> If you don’t show true remorse, then you’re just apologizing to look good or manipulate. Without remorse, there is no apology.</li>
<li><strong>Take responsibility for your actions.</strong> It isn’t very good to say,<em> “I’m sorry if you are upset.”</em> Acknowledge that you caused the hurt. Say, <em>“<strong>I</strong> screwed up, <strong>I</strong> did the wrong thing, <strong>I</strong> hurt you, and <strong>I</strong> am remorseful. <strong>I</strong> am going to think twice, if not 18 times, to make sure this doesn’t happen again.”</em></li>
</ol><span>Once you’ve apologized, see how you can repair the damage and then don’t repeat what you’re sorry for. Only by doing that can you earn someone’s forgiveness. </span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><strong><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </em></strong></p>
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</span>Staff2016-08-09T17:56:00ZHow to Regain Someone's Trust After You've LiedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Regain-Someones-Trust-After-Youve-Lied/-649070863048549823.html2016-08-05T22:03:00Z2016-08-05T22:03:00Z<br /><br />Regaining someone's trust after you've lied isn't easy. Can it be done? Yes, but it depends on a lot of factors. <br /><br />First off, if you demonstrate a big pattern of lying, I hope the other person dumps you because they shouldn’t have to live out the rest of their lives unable to trust the person they are supposed to lean on most in the universe. <br /><br />Second, <strong>a lie is a lie.</strong> I don't care what you lied about. A lie breaks trust, and it's a big deal, no matter how inconsequential you’d like to make it seem. <br /><br />The first thing you have to do is <strong>take full responsibility</strong>. No excuses! Nobody is going to know if you have true remorse other than you, but you have to take responsibility and promise that you’re willing to work hard to earn back their trust. Don't pile lies on top of lies trying to fix the original lie. <br /><br />Also, tell the truth about why you lied. For example, say, "I lied because I didn't want to look bad," or, "I lied because I didn't want to get caught." <strong>People are more willing to believe you when you're willing to bare your soul.</strong> <br /><br />For a while, you are going to be the bad guy or gal. Deal with it – you earned it. Don’t get on a high horse and say, "I apologized, can't you let this go?" The other person has to rebuild their trust and belief in you, and they're not going to do it just because you say they should. They already know you're a liar and that what you say means nothing. They need to watch you over time. And by time, I don’t mean minutes. It might take weeks or even years. <br /><br />Over time, you need to be reliable and an open book. You must respect the needs of all the people you’ve hurt. If they need to whine, complain, and give you crap for a while, you're going to have to tolerate it. <br /><br />Finally, stick to your promises. <strong>Don't make a promise that you're not 100 percent sure you can follow through on. </strong>Any promise you make that you don’t live up to loses you credibility. <strong>The person you've hurt doesn’t need you to yap your way out of it – they need you to <em>live</em> your way out of it. </strong><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/blog_120415.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="600" /><br /><br />Staff2016-08-05T22:03:00ZSigns Your Parents Screwed You UpStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Signs-Your-Parents-Screwed-You-Up/-46037748157172299.html2016-08-04T17:36:00Z2016-08-04T17:36:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f67f3a47-0a31-abbd-37e2-e593f2408325"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-19e2b549-3296-29a2-5291-9b1f41daf135">
<p dir="ltr"><span>One of the hardest things for people to admit to me on the air is that their parents screwed them up. Part of the problem is that you still want to have them as parents, so you spend a lot of time blaming yourself. It’s the ultimate denial.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Whether your parents were mean, suffocating, hypercritical, cruel, demanding, drunk, philandering, or unloving, you generally turn out with the same problems. Here are some of the signs that your parents screwed you up:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You find trusting relationships difficult.</strong><span> If you believe that you’re going to be treated like your parents treated you, you’re always going to be on edge, suspicious, needy, and destructive in relationships.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You take rejection and failure very hard. </strong><span>Children of crappy parents tend to have a really horrendous reaction to anything that isn’t incredible success because if you fail, you’re proving your parents right.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You are a people-pleaser. </strong><span>You kiss everybody’s butt in order to push down your own hurt and make yourself feel more secure. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You are incredibly critical of yourself.</strong><span> Maybe your parents told you that </span><span>you</span><span> were responsible for why Mommy drinks or why Daddy is violent. However, parents don’t even have to use the words “stupid”, “worthless”, or “trash” to make you feel unworthy. Simply being an over-controlling helicopter parent can convince a child that they’re not good enough and can’t do anything by themselves.</span></p>
<span>So, what can you do about it if your parents have screwed you up? Call my show at 1-800-DR LAURA (1-800-375-2872), see a therapist, or read my book, </span><em>Bad Childhood, Good Life.</em></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span>Staff2016-08-04T17:36:00ZHow to Figure Out What You Want to Do With Your LifeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Figure-Out-What-You-Want-to-Do-With-Your-Life/699163693835458591.html2016-08-02T08:00:00Z2016-08-02T08:00:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Every now and then, I get a call from somebody who essentially has no clue about what they want to do with their life. Here’s what I recommend:</span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>Start by asking yourself what you’re good at.</strong><span> It may not be your passion, but not everyone can make a living off of their passion. Sometimes people make a living at what they’re good at and their passion is the other part of their life. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Next, </span><strong>ask yourself what you want to contribute to society. </strong><span>Do you want to entertain? Do you want to save lives? Do you want to inspire? What is it that you want to do? Imagine your epitaph. What would you want it to say?</span><em> “Terrific Mom?”“Great Inventor?” </em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Consider who your role models are.</strong><span> Is there somebody doing something that you think, </span><em>“Gosh, that’s a good way to lead a life.” </em><span>When I was a kid, I loved reading books about people who had done amazing things with their lives. At the time, I thought I’d find the recipe for success in those books. But later I realized that it wasn’t what was in the books at all. It’s about how those people overcame what they overcame to do whatever it is that they did. </span></p>
<span>If you’re at a crossroads over whether to work full time at a corporate job or do freelance gigs in what you love, you have to know yourself. </span><strong>Which loss is acceptable to you? Money or passion? </strong><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>If you choose to follow your passion and it’s not lucrative, accept the possibility that you won’t own five houses.</span><span> </span><span>If you choose money, accept that you’ll likely spend a lot of time wondering </span><em>“what if” </em><span>because ultimately your soul won’t be fed.</span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>When you think about what you want to do for a living, <strong>also</strong></span><strong> consider the kind of people you want to interact with on a daily basis</strong><span><strong>.</strong> Because whatever you pick, you will be surrounded by a type of person (albeit, there will be individuals) much of the time. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>Finally, </span><strong>imagine your perfect day.</strong><span> When do you get up and with whom? </span><span>Think about what your perfect day is and then work on making it a reality.<br /><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><em><strong>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </strong><br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span>Staff2016-08-02T08:00:00ZGetting Kids to Follow the RulesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Getting-Kids-to-Follow-the-Rules/37485330225062395.html2016-08-01T18:17:00Z2016-08-01T18:17:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-3479fe76-e612-a997-df0d-0e8c5e4b4a1a"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-2f1d263c-e61a-b793-acdd-5dc6d9fd3f1f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5e1aed52-e61e-9065-85d3-72b118135352"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-e464475a-3d06-bcd5-4023-8168c22e2848">
<p dir="ltr"><span>How can you cut behavioral problems off at the pass or at least deal with them in a way that makes them less powerful or less frequent? It really all comes down to common sense and compassion for your kids.</span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>The first thing you need to do is </span><span><strong>have a good relationship with your child</strong>. </span><span>Kids are more likely to follow the rules if they feel loved, respected, and approved of. Bonding and connection are very important.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>In addition, I notice that many parents don’t </span><strong>make the rules clear</strong><span>. For example, a lot of you just say,</span><em> “Go clean your room!”</em><span>, but what does “clean your room” really mean? </span><span>When I was a kid, that meant taking everything and shoving it in the bottom of the closet so that the room looked clean. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>You need to be clear about what the expectations are and keep them reasonable. Calmly explain the rules and what the consequences will be if the rules are broken. Kids are less likely to challenge the rules if they know up front what is going to happen. If they don’t know, they’re more likely to take the risk.</span></p>
<span>Next, you need to</span><span><strong> compliment your kids</strong>. </span><span>Far too often, parents only pay attention when their kids misbehave rather than spending time to point out all the good things their children do, no matter how microscopic. </span><strong>Notice and compliment! </strong><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>You also need to </span><strong>talk to your kids </strong><span><strong>about their feelings</strong>.</span><span> Kids have all kinds of feelings, and they’re not really sure what they all are or what to do with them. When you sit with your kids time and time again and discuss the whole range of feelings that human beings have and the alternatives to deal with them, you’re teaching them how to cope with those feelings. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>Lastly, </span><span><strong>plan ahead</strong>.</span><span> If you think in advance about how your child is going to respond to a certain situation, you can avoid that situation before it becomes an issue. </span></span><span><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<p dir="ltr"><strong><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! <br /> </em></strong><span> </span></p>
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</span>Staff2016-08-01T18:17:00Z5 Tips to Reduce Stress in KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Tips-to-Reduce-Stress-in-Kids/110266516960079421.html2016-07-30T00:40:00Z2016-07-30T00:40:00Z<br /><br /><strong>1. Have a happy home</strong><br />The atmosphere you create at home has the biggest impact on your child’s stress level. This means you have to cut out the yelling, arguing, bitterness, and discord. You need to show interest in what your kid is doing, dreaming about, and yearning for instead of being too busy with work. <br /><br /><strong>2. Listen </strong><br />Do you ever just sit and listen to what your child has to say, or are you always barking orders? When my son was a kidlet, he and I had a nightly ritual. I would tuck him in and then lie on top of the covers beside him. The lights would be out, and we would look up at the ceiling and just talk. We’d chat about all kinds of things – school, friends, worries, etc. (it’s amazing how philosophical a 6-year-old can be!). Sometimes that could go on for 15 minutes or so. Then I’d give him a hug and a kiss, and say goodnight. That way, he’d go to sleep relaxed. <br /><br /><strong>3. Don’t overschedule </strong><br />I think it’s a really sick thing for parents to force their kids to be hyper-involved and excellent at too many things. Kids need time to breathe, be creative on their own, and get lost in their own thoughts. They are not packhorses to carry your ego. <br /><br /><strong>4. Make time for family dinners</strong><br />Eating together as a family promotes good health and bonding. <br /><br /><strong>5. Focus on learning, not achievement</strong><br />When I graduated from high school, my father gave me a gold watch. On the back was written what he had said to me whenever I had a big test or exam: “Give ‘em hell.” Not “get all As” or “be perfect.” That’s what you need to teach your kids – that being resilient and doing their best are ultimately what matters. <br /><br /><strong><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </em> </strong><br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/blog_073116.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="503" /><br /><br />Staff2016-07-30T00:40:00ZWhen Is the Right Time to Reveal My Secret?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-Is-the-Right-Time-to-Reveal-My-Secret/596596425237631438.html2016-07-27T21:47:00Z2016-07-27T21:47:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8">
<p dir="ltr"><span>I’m often asked on the air, </span><em>“When is the right time for me to share a secret about myself with someone I’m dating?”</em><span>. Well, I think it really depends on what the secret is.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>I can’t give you an exhaustive list of all the things you should or shouldn’t reveal, but your rule of thumb should be this:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>If it still impacts your life today - a felony conviction, a sexually transmitted disease, a history of cheating, or 42 children by 82 different women - then the person you’re dating needs to know about it pretty soon.</strong><span> They have the right to make a decision based on whether or not this is something they want to deal with. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>Now, if you were smoking some dope and drinking on the weekends back in college and have no current drug or alcohol issues, then there’s no story to tell, other than you were an idiot in college. The information you need to provide should have a direct bearing on your life today (and therefore, the other person’s life as well by virtue of him or her being in a relationship with you).</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>If you do choose to reveal something minor about your past, you have got to do it slowly and not reveal too much too soon. The other person may not know you well enough to put it into context. Also, be</span><span> prepared to reciprocate. You’re not the only one with </span><em>stuff</em><span>. Every human being has </span><em>stuff</em><span>. If they match your revelation with one of theirs, make it an opportunity to give the very thing you hope to get, which is kindness, compassion, and understanding. That doesn’t mean you have to date them or that they have to date you. The information might be a deal-breaker.</span></p>
<span>Finally, i</span><span>f you lay a bomb on somebody, you’d better give them the time they need to digest it. </span><strong>If they decide it’s not something they want to deal with, then you have to respect that. </strong></span> </span>
<p dir="ltr"><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! <br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span>Staff2016-07-27T21:47:00Z3 Ways to Be a Better ParentStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/3-Ways-to-Be-a-Better-Parent/264335016141029845.html2016-07-27T02:50:00Z2016-07-27T02:50:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-23c823e8-e116-7bc4-095b-c7be4c6d6909"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a1a2c5b1-e11d-5143-b782-953f91d914b8"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-f3ceada9-1ad0-0c07-5a9b-8f0fde722cee">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Let your kids be bored. </strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Instead of planning out every second of your child’s day or jam-packing their schedule with tons of activities, let them be bored and figure out what to do on their own. Boredom gives kids the opportunity to exercise some creativity, develop initiative and persistence, and set and reach goals. It also provides them with a sense that they can influence their world. When kids are allowed to be bored, they have better physical health, better grades, and a more stable work life in the future.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Don’t smooth out all the speed bumps. </strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Clearing the way of all obstacles undermines a child’s sense of competency and autonomy. If you always rescue them, you indicate that you don’t see them as competent in your eyes. Constant rescuing also gives kids higher levels of anxiety and depression and results in lower grades and less satisfaction in adulthood. So, you have to adjust your involvement to a level that is developmentally appropriate to your child. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Heal thyself. </strong></p>
<span>When you’re on an airplane, what do they tell you to do with the oxygen mask? Put it over your face first and </span><em>then</em><span> your child’s. Why do they tell you to do that? Because, you need to be able to function and take care of things.</span><span> </span><span>Taking care of yourself as a parent is really important. If you have unresolved mental health issues or medical problems, you need to seek help. Parents are more likely to either ignore or totally overreact to a kid’s misbehavior when they’re marred with depression. Adults with ADHD also improve their parenting skills once they’re treated. You’ve got to put the oxygen mask on yourself </span><strong>FIRST</strong><span>. </span></span></span> </span>
<p dir="ltr"><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! <br /> </em><span> </span></p>
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</span>Staff2016-07-27T02:50:00ZHow to Be More AssertiveStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Be-More-Assertive/494526047021962449.html2016-07-25T21:34:00Z2016-07-25T21:34:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-937fee5d-dbe5-281f-c9cc-d5f7b44a73ac">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Kids learn behavior from their parents. If you want your kids to be shy, then role model shyness. But if you want them be more assertive, you need to start role modeling that behavior because assertiveness is healthy. Passivity is very unhealthy. People who are passive have much more stress in their lives, don’t get the things they want or need, and don’t earn the respect they desire.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Some of you don’t know how to be assertive – instead, you go right into aggressive. </span><strong>Assertive is in between passive and aggressive.</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here are a few </span><strong>tips to be more assertive:</strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Make eye contact. </strong><span>Look the other person square in the eye. It makes you come across as stronger and more serious without being aggressive. At first, it might make you feel uncomfortable, but practice makes perfect.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Notice your body language</strong><span><strong>.</strong> Don’t cross your arms. Be open, lean in, and try to have a pleasant demeanor.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Visualize your conversation</strong><span><strong>.</strong> Practice it out loud in front of the mirror or with someone you trust so it gets to be comfortable.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Calmly state your piece. </strong><span>Don’t get angry, name-call, or yell. Give it a bit of thought before addressing the other person. If you want someone to listen to you, don’t point out how they’re wrong. Instead say, “I have another way of looking at this,” “I disagree,” or “I have a different perspective.” </span><span>Attacks only result in attacks back.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span><strong>Don’t worry about what others think</strong>.</span><span> You have to believe that you can survive someone saying no or not liking you. Otherwise, you’ll be living inside yourself, tying your intestines into knots.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Now, being assertive doesn’t make you a magician. </span><strong>Saying things in a certain way won’t magically change a situation or person.</strong><span> However, being upfront and courageous in your life is important for you to be healthier inside your own head, psyche, soul, and body</span><span>. <strong>Nobody can do that for you – only you can.<br /><br /><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <strong><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a></strong> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily <strong>Call of the Day</strong> and receive her <strong>Daily Dose newsletter</strong>! </em> </strong></span></p>
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</span> </span>Staff2016-07-25T21:34:00Z3 Things to Think About Before Confronting SomeoneStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/3-Things-to-Think-About-Before-Confronting-Someone/-833236635301188166.html2016-07-22T07:46:00Z2016-07-22T07:46:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947">
<p dir="ltr">Confrontations are absolutely necessary. When problems arise, you have to resolve them. You can't let things fester and then blow up at someone – that's not fair. <br /><br />However, most people go about confrontations all wrong. They either scream and yell a lot, or they are so terrified of not being liked that they don't stand up for themselves. A healthy confrontation is voicing a disagreement or problem with the intent of resolving it and making you and the other person better for it. <br /><br />Here are three things to consider before confronting someone:<br /><br /><strong>1. Don't do it when you're in a nutcase mood.</strong><br /><br /><strong>2. Make sure your anger has to do with them.</strong> A lot of times we blow up at people because of our own baggage rather than something they have actually done. <br /><br /><strong>3. Think about what you want them to do.</strong> You need to tell the person what you want to have happen, NOT what you don't want to have happen. For example, telling your spouse, "When you come home, I don't want you to walk through the door and ignore me," is backwards. Instead say, "When you come home, I yearn for you to greet me." Confrontations are essentially positive manipulations. If someone at work always leaves their dirty cup in the sink, you can either rip them apart by saying they're a slob and you’re tired of it, or you can get a communal dish rack and tell them, "I realize there really wasn't a good way for everyone to do their dishes, so I got this rack. Now when people wash their cups, there's a nice rack for everyone to put their cups on." The person is more likely going to put their cup on that brand new rack. </p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong> <br /></strong><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </em><span> </span></p>
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</span>Staff2016-07-22T07:46:00ZThe Top Reasons Women Give for Becoming Stay-at-Home MomsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Top-Reasons-Women-Give-for-Becoming-Stay-at-Home-Moms/281881537167678947.html2016-07-21T21:23:00Z2016-07-21T21:23:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-73833ee6-dbd9-5c3f-4607-192dc441d947">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. They no longer feel close to their husbands.</strong><span> Many mothers who work outside of the home talk about not feeling connected or sensual with their spouse anymore because the stress of handling work and family demands overwhelms them.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. They listen to their maternal instinct. </strong><span>When you have given birth and are breastfeeding, it’s difficult to imagine handing your baby over to a nanny or day care center.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. They want to save their marriages. </strong><span>Working mothers often get into power struggles with their husbands over who is taking caring of the baby and the home. Yet as a gender, men see themselves as providers and protectors. The arm-wrestling simply doesn’t play well. <br /></span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. They want more simplicity and fulfilment in their lives. </strong><span>Many women brought up by stay-at-home moms are influenced by their upbringing to value being a stay-at-home mom and enjoy the flexibility. Stay-at-home moms can be mothers and wives, take care of the home, have hobbies, and further their education (nowadays, there’s so much you can learn online) as opposed to rushing around stressed out in the morning and dumping their kids in day care.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>5. They feel guilty. </strong><span>I use the word “guilt” because more often than not, women call me to discuss guilt over not bringing in money rather than the guilt of not being sweet and adorable to their husbands or hands on with their children. </span><strong>They realize that 5,000 other people could do their job, but only they can be their husband’s wife and kid’s mom.<br /> <br /></strong><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily Call of the Day and receive her Daily Dose newsletter! </em><span> </span></p>
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</span>Staff2016-07-21T21:23:00ZShould We Teach 'Marriage 101' in Schools?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Should-We-Teach-Marriage-101-in-Schools/-342870879074082813.html2016-07-20T21:39:00Z2016-07-20T21:39:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5d07eb78-e0bb-d34d-fa33-5b0084f83caf"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-fffd4ebc-e10f-9e16-1c96-2605ef23271a">
<p dir="ltr">I was reading an article the other day about whether or not Marriage 101 should be compulsory in schools. Evidently, for the past 14 years, Northwestern University has offered a course educating students on the realities and misconceptions of marriage.</p>
<p dir="ltr"><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>Do I think marriage should be taught in our public schools? </span></p>
<br /><span>Absolutely not.</span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>Our public schools are places of social engineering. Most of them are already giving information telling kids that marriage isn’t necessary. It’s about anything they want to do and that any combination of people, places and things can be defined as anything they want.</span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>So, </span><span>how can your kids learn about marriage? </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>Try having a decent one-on-one conversation and answer their questions when they ask them. If their grandparents have been married for 50-plus years, have them sit down with Grandpa and Grandma and find out how they did it. Unless you come from a family where no one can keep a relationship in tact for more than 40 minutes, that should work. </span></span>
<p dir="ltr"> </p>
</span><span><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <strong><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a></strong> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily <strong>Call of the Day</strong> and receive her <strong>Daily Dose newsletter</strong>! <br /></em><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/blog_072116.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></span>Staff2016-07-20T21:39:00ZThe Biggest Mistakes Guys Make with WomenStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Biggest-Mistakes-Guys-Make-with-Women/372149591722091764.html2016-07-19T20:54:00Z2016-07-19T20:54:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-a011f256-e60c-4833-fc8f-17ee9106fd05">
<p dir="ltr"><span>All right, guys, listen up. I know you think that women are complicated, and we are. We’re hard to read. We’re mercurial. We’re sensitive. But with certain things, you have to take responsibility. Here are </span><strong>seven of the biggest mistakes guys make with women:</strong><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>1. Wandering eyeballs. </strong><span>When you’re on a date with your wife or girlfriend and you’re checking out other women, it’s a real mood-killer. She’s not going to want to share her thoughts. She’s not going to want to be close and cuddly with you. When your eyes start to wander, check yourself. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Pay attention. </strong><span>When she glams up for you, shower her with compliments. If she changes anything - her hair, her nails, her wardrobe, etc. - make sure you notice. There’s always something nice you can say.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>3. Don’t constantly talk about your ex (or any other woman for that matter). </strong><span>When you talk endlessly about another woman, even if it’s your sister or your mother, you don’t seem like you’re paying attention to her.<br /></span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>4. Don’t keep her a secret. </strong><span>If you don’t introduce your girlfriend to your friends, she figures that you’re hiding her, you’re embarrassed, or you’re just being rude. </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>5. Don’t keep secrets from her. </strong></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>6. Don’t cheat. </strong><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>7. Don’t give her reasons to imagine that you don’t care or that you’re not trustworthy. </strong></p>
<span>It’s really as simple as that.<br /><br /></span></span><span><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <strong><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a></strong> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily <strong>Call of the Day</strong> and receive her <strong>Daily Dose newsletter</strong>! <br /></em><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/blog_071916(2).jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></span></span>Staff2016-07-19T20:54:00ZHow to Handle Your Child's TantrumStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Handle-Your-Childs-Tantrum/-21424896459829355.html2016-07-18T21:09:00Z2016-07-18T21:09:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc">
<p dir="ltr"><span>When your child starts to throw a full-fledged public tantrum, it can sometimes take every fiber of your being not to break down and cry too. However, what most parents don’t realize is that </span><em>they</em><span> often contribute to their kids’ meltdowns.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here’s what you’re doing wrong.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You don’t consider how they’re feeling. </strong><span>I love when mothers drag their kids to the grocery store in the late part of the day when they are tired, hungry, and impatient. I know </span><span>I</span><span> don’t like going to the grocery store in the late afternoon – I’m not at my best either! Sometimes kids are overstimulated by the millions of colorful things on every shelf. Sometimes they are bored out of their minds or just sleepy. You cannot expect a 3-year-old to maintain enthusiasm being carted around all day doing your dumb errands; it just won’t happen.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You overuse the words, <em>“No!”</em>, <em>“Don’t!”</em>, and <em>“Stop!”</em>. </strong><span>When my son, Deryk, was little, my rule was that if it wasn’t going to kill him or somebody else, I’d shut up and watch. Sometimes parents just say “stop” because it’s inconvenient and we don’t want to supervise – we’re lazy, we have to go to the bathroom… whatever! Stop the knee-jerk reaction to micromanage your kid; that just sets them off. If you want to make a connection, physically get down to their level, eyeball to eyeball. A touch and a firm, non-hysterical voice works. Screaming doesn’t.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You don’t keep your child in the loop. </strong><span>I can’t tell you how many parents I have heard from who expect their kids to instantly drop whatever they are doing – watching a show, reading a book, or playing a game – and obey like a robot. Set a timer (10 minutes) for them to wrap up whatever they are doing before you have dinner, go pick up Aunt Mary, etc.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span> </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You don’t keep them occupied. </strong><span>One thing I always did was keep a big satchel of arts and crafts materials, snacks, and other toys on hand so no matter where I brought my son, he had stuff to entertain himself with.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You don’t give them a choice. </strong><span>Instead of commanding your kid to get ready for bed, offer them a choice:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“Do you want to put on your jammies or brush your teeth first?”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><em>“Do you want to eat the peas or the potato first?”</em></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>That way, your child is thinking about which activity he or she is going to do first rather than being contrary.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>You treat everything too seriously. </strong><span>As I have told callers many times, if you want your children to clean up their rooms, line up their toys and put out a big bucket. Then time them to see how many toys they can get in the bucket in 60 seconds while only taking two at a time. Make it a game. Use play, humor, and fun to get them to do things. At dinner say, </span><em>“Let’s make a face with the food – you can eat the eyeballs, the nose, the mouth, the ears, and hair.</em><span><em>”</em> Kids love that stuff!</span></p>
<span>Now, some of this may or may not be useful for kids who have medical or psychiatric “issues” (I hate that word). I’m not talking about that – I’m talking about your average, run-of-the mill kid. That being said, all kids are different – some nap a lot and some are Energizer Bunnies – so you have got to know your child and then plan ahead from there.<br /><br /><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <strong><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a></strong> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily <strong>Call of the Day</strong> and receive her <strong>Daily Dose newsletter</strong>! </em><br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/blog_071816.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /> </span></span>Staff2016-07-18T21:09:00ZHow to Respond to Nosy PeopleStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Respond-to-Nosy-People/135518010961865100.html2016-07-15T07:01:00Z2016-07-15T07:01:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-cdea6039-dbb2-35e0-3d45-ff02283e926f"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-6f11e4f4-e0b0-358c-aad8-60a0e0e1af0c">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Are you unsure of the </span><span>best way to respond to a nosy neighbor, friend, family member, or other busybody in your life? Here’s what you do:<br /> </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Find out the person’s intentions.</strong><span> People press for information for all kinds of reasons:<br /> </span></p>
<ul>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Some people don’t know any better.</strong><span> They may not even realize that something is none of their business. It’s hard not to get defensive when somebody asks a sensitive question, but they may not know it’s sensitive. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Some people are snotty and actually intend to hurt your feelings. </strong><span>They want to press your buttons and stick it to you. There are bad people out there. </span></p>
</li>
<li dir="ltr">
<p dir="ltr"><strong>Some people are simply trying to connect. </strong><span>They care about you, and that’s all they’re thinking about. </span></p>
</li>
</ul>
<p dir="ltr"><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span>For example, if someone asks you, </span><em>“Have you found a boyfriend/girlfriend yet?”</em><span>, reply, </span><em>“Why? Are you worried that I might be lonely?”</em><span>. If someone asks you, </span><em>“How’s your job search going? Did you find anything yet?”</em><span>, ask them, <em>“</em></span><em>Are you concerned that I’m in financial trouble?” </em><span>In other words, find out their intentions because you don’t know if they’re being stupid or nasty or just trying to connect.</span><span> Nosy people will change the subject because they don’t want to discuss their intentions. However, </span><span>people who really care about you should be able to have an honest conversation about real issues.<br /> </span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Your other option is to simply not answer. If you don’t want to discuss something, say, </span><em>“Well, that’s an uncomfortable subject for me. Let’s find something that we both can enjoy talking about”</em><span>, or, </span><em>“I’m really not in a place to talk about this right now.” </em><span>That’s it. You make it clear that it’s uncomfortable. </span><strong>Somebody may feel entitled to ask, but you’re not obligated to answer.</strong></p>
</span>
<p dir="ltr"><span><br /><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <strong><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a></strong> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily <strong>Call of the Day</strong> and receive her <strong>Daily Dose newsletter</strong>! </em> </span></p>
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</span><img src="/images/blog/blog_071516.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br />Staff2016-07-15T07:01:00Z10 Tips to Avoid Screwing Up a New RelationshipStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/10-Tips-to-Avoid-Screwing-Up-a-New-Relationship/53362610164055523.html2016-07-14T20:08:00Z2016-07-14T20:08:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-da41ace2-dbcc-d764-dd50-f352370f4efc"> <span id="docs-internal-guid-5d07eb78-e0bb-d34d-fa33-5b0084f83caf">
<p dir="ltr"><span>Everyone gets excited when they first start dating someone they really like. The trick is to not allow that excitement to sabotage you. How can you make sure you don’t screw up a new relationship before it gets off the ground? Just follow these simple tips:</span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>1. Don’t put your whole life on hold. </strong><span>Don’t ignore your family, friends, hobbies, or activities simply because you’re smitten. Don’t wait by your phone for the next text. Continue to live your life. You’ll make much wiser choices if you do that. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>2. Don’t ask too many of your single friends for advice.</strong><span> There’s a reason they are single. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span> </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>3. Don’t ignore trouble. </strong><span>When someone shows or tells you who they are, </span><strong>BELIEVE</strong><span> them. Don’t think you’re going to change them - you’re not magic. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>4. Don’t lie. </strong><span>A lot of people make up stuff in order to look better, but it’ll all come out in the wash.</span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>5. Don’t become sexual before there’s at least an actual relationship of duration and depth.</strong><span> Once you have sex, there are all kinds of emotional issues that cloud your objectivity. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>6. Don’t compare. </strong><span>Just because you used to date someone who was really great or really sucky, don’t start comparing. Everybody’s different.</span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>7. Don’t look too far ahead. </strong><span>Don’t be discussing three years in the future - when you get married or have kids - right off the bat. Focus on today. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>8. Don’t over-call or over-text. </strong><span> You don’t want to seem like your entire life is about the relationship. It makes you look needy and desperate (probably because you are). </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>9. Don’t lose your sense of self.</strong><span> Don’t turn yourself over to everything the other person says or does because you want them to want you.</span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>10. Don’t say, <em>“I love you,”</em> before you mean it.</strong><span> Think about all the movies where people meet each other in the morning and by lunchtime they’re professing their undying love for each other. What the hell is that about? Love is probably the strongest emotion there is. Don’t say, “ I love you,” until you mean it with your heart, soul, and life.</span></p>
</span> <span><br /><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <strong><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a></strong> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily <strong>Call of the Day</strong> and receive her <strong>Daily Dose newsletter</strong>! <br /></em><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/blog_071916.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br /></span></span>Staff2016-07-14T20:08:00Z7 Tips to Stay Fit and HealthyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/7-Tips-to-Stay-Fit-and-Healthy/-113348525256755618.html2016-07-12T20:41:00Z2016-07-12T20:41:00Z<span id="docs-internal-guid-cdea6039-dbb2-35e0-3d45-ff02283e926f">
<p dir="ltr"><span><br />If any of those DVDs or diet books worked, there’d only be one. The reality is,</span><strong>there’s no miracle to staying healthy and fit - it’s the way you live your life.</strong><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Here’s what you need to do:</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>1. Get regular check-ups.</strong><span> Have the usual blood work done. Ladies, get the pelvic exams and mammograms. Guys, get your prostate checked. You need to do that every year so there are no surprises. Surprises are usually bad. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><strong>2. Get sleep. </strong><span>A lack of sleep impacts both </span><span>your physical and mental health. It affects your metabolism, your mood, your concentration, your memory, your motor skills, your stress levels, your hormones, and even your immune system. When you sleep, you heal, repair, and rejuvenate. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>3. Get moving. </strong><span>Begin by simply walking an hour per day - a half hour away from home and a half hour back. Start out slow and then get to the point where it’s brisk. That, in and of itself, would be terrific. Then after a few weeks, or maybe a few months, you’ll feel so good that you will get into something more.</span></p>
<p dir="ltr"><span>Walking is great because it improves circulation, </span><span>combats depression, strengthens your heart and lungs, and gets the muscles ready (which makes you less likely to injure yourself later if you’re doing squats or pumping iron). </span><span>Personally, I love walking because </span><span>I hate going to gyms and getting on the treadmill. It makes me feel like a hamster. I can’t stand things like that, where you’re just in one place and the environment never changes.</span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>4. Don’t skip breakfast. </strong><span>There’s a reason they call it </span><span>BREAK-fast</span><span> because you’re “breaking the fast”. Eating breakfast helps you maintain stable blood sugar levels and also a healthy weight because you’re less likely to overindulge later in the day. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>5. Eat a balanced diet and don’t overeat. </strong><span>Make sure you eat enough lean protein: poultry, fish, tofu, etc. In addition, take time to eat. If you eat really fast, you won’t get that full feeling until you’ve overeaten. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>6. Drink plenty of water. </strong><span>Staying hydrated cleans your body from the inside by flushing out toxins.</span><span> </span><span>It’s really important that you keep hydrated. </span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><span><br class="kix-line-break" /></span><strong>7. Reduce your stress. </strong><span>Exercise, meditate, pray, or take up a hobby. Reducing stress really boils down to a change in lifestyle. Don’t overwork, take breaks, and surround yourself with nice people. It’s also very important to have friend time. Friends are like a magical elixir.<br /><br /><em>Want more Dr. Laura? <strong><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a></strong> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily <strong>Call of the Day</strong> and receive her <strong>Daily Dose newsletter</strong>! </em> </span></p>
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</span><img src="/images/blog/blog_071116.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br />Staff2016-07-12T20:41:00ZShould You Keep a Secret from Your Kids?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Should-You-Keep-a-Secret-from-Your-Kids/937486951536655027.html2016-07-08T22:22:00Z2016-07-08T22:22:00Z<br /><br />Over the years, a lot of people have called me about whether or not to share a secret with their kids. However, before I answer that, let me distinguish between secrets, privacy, and surprises...<br /><br /><strong>A surprise is: <br /><br /></strong><em>"This is what we’re getting Mommy for Christmas..." <br /><br /></em>or<br /><br /><em>"We’re having a surprise party for Aunty Margery..." </em><br /><br /><strong>Surprises are things that will be made clear shortly. Secrets are things that we try to keep quiet forever.</strong> There are good secrets, and there are bad secrets. Sometimes that is difficult for people to understand. <br /><br />And then there is privacy. <br /><br /><strong>Privacy is:</strong> <br /><br /><em>"Your sister is doing poorly in school."</em> <br /><br />That’s not a secret - it’s just private. <strong>You must respect the privacy of others. </strong><br /><br />Now for some reason, some of you think that you’re obligated to tell your spouse or your children about every experience you’ve ever had in your life. But, no. <strong>You should only tell them if it is of benefit for them to know.</strong> The fact that you did something stupid at 15 is irrelevant now that you’re 35 — of course, unless you haven’t changed. <br /><br /><strong>What about secrets others ask your child to keep?</strong><br /><br />In general, there are some secrets people tell you because they want to do something bad or make you do something bad. You should <strong><em>never </em></strong>keep a secret like that. And as a parent, you must remind your children, <em>“They may threaten to hurt you, but you still need to tell me because I can and will protect you.”<br /><br />Want more Dr. Laura? <strong><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a></strong> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily <strong>Call of the Day</strong> and receive her <strong>Daily Dose newsletter</strong>! <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/blog_070816.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="500" /></em><br />Staff2016-07-08T22:22:00ZHow to Prevent Relationship Differences from Becoming ConflictsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Prevent-Relationship-Differences-from-Becoming-Conflicts/-83825583979472349.html2016-07-06T07:01:00Z2016-07-06T07:01:00Z<em></em><br />Differences are an absolute given in every relationship. We are rarely attracted to people who are carbon copies of ourselves. Every couple has different personalities, opinions, experiences, family backgrounds, and reactions to certain things. The trick is to not allow the differences to turn into conflicts. <br /><br />Conflicts occur in a relationship when one person tries to make the other say, do, think, or feel a particular way. Naturally, the other person becomes resistant or defensive because they don't want to feel dominated or controlled. <br /><br />How do you prevent differences from becoming conflicts? <br /><br /><strong>Defend your partner's point of view.</strong> The next time you're having a fight, take on the role of your boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse's defense attorney. Try to prove why they have a right to be upset. Specify it in concrete terms. By trying to understand instead of change your partner, you won't be met with defensiveness or anger. <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/blog_090915.jpg" alt="" /><br /><br /><br />Staff2016-07-06T07:01:00ZHow to Raise Decent KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Raise-Decent-Kids/-37004312381437276.html2016-06-27T23:13:00Z2016-06-27T23:13:00Z<br />In order for your kid to become a decent human being, they have to see <em>you </em>be a decent human being. Now granted, some kids are born sociopaths, but by and large, <strong>when your kid is a problem, you’re probably the problem</strong>. That’s the hardest thing for parents to accept.<br /><br />Here's what your kids need to hear and see you say and do:<br /><br /><strong>They need to hear you talking positively about people, situations, and them.</strong> You never know when they are listening. Share all the good things you think about them in a positive way rather than always being pissed off. <br /><br /><strong>They need to see you fighting fair with your spouse. </strong>Mom and Dad are not always going to agree. Your kids are watching how you treat each other when you disagree and how you resolve the disagreement. <br /><br /><strong>They need to see you apologize</strong>. Say sorry not only to your spouse but to others as well. And when you blow it with your kid, apologize to him or her. You may think, <em>"But they'll lose respect for me!"</em> No. You'll actually <em>gain </em>their respect. <br /><br /><strong>They need to see you be open and honest</strong>. That's how they learn about being open and honest. <br /><br /><strong>They need to see you have passion for something in the world or your community </strong>(e.g. a charity or hobby). <br /><br /><strong>They need to see you being grateful for the small things. </strong>Your kids need to hear you say <em>“please</em>" and "<em>thank you.”</em> <br /><br /><strong>They need to see you make family a priority.</strong> Show affection towards them and your spouse. <br /><br /><strong>They need to see you making choices and plans, and hear your thought process. </strong>When you go shopping, think out loud:<em> "I could get two of these, but if I got four of the other kind, that would save me $3. That’s the smarter thing to do," </em>or, "<em>They’re going to have a sale next week, let’s come back."</em><br /><br /><strong>They need to see you sometimes say, <em>“I don’t know how to do this.” </em></strong>Have someone assist you - it could even be one of the kids! <br /><br /><strong>They need to see you reading. </strong>Make reading a pleasure (and I don’t mean reading something on your stupid cell phone).<br /><strong><em></em></strong><br /><strong>They need to see you get adequate sleep and eat well.</strong> If you're a hyper-maniac, your kid is likely going to be a hyper-maniac - they learned it from you. <br /><br />Want more Dr. Laura? <strong><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank">Join the Dr. Laura Free Family</a><a href="https://www.drlaura.com/pg/jsp/member/createaddressaccount.jsp?familyFree=true" target="_blank"></a></strong> to listen to Dr. Laura's daily <strong>Call of the Day</strong> and receive her <strong>Daily Dose newsletter</strong>! <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/blog_062716.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="503" /><br /><br /><br /><br />Staff2016-06-27T23:13:00ZThe Dangers of Micromanaging Your SpouseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Dangers-of-Micromanaging-Your-Spouse/-102025675858926455.html2016-06-09T23:07:00Z2016-06-09T23:07:00Z<br /><br />You know the drill - you walk through the door and immediately ask your spouse if they ran that errand or did that chore for you. You don’t say, <em>“Hi” </em>or <em>“I love you" </em>or<em> "I missed you"</em>. Instead it's, <em>"You didn't do _______?! Do I have to do everything around this house myself?!" </em><br /><br />You may not realize it, but micromanaging is an anxiety disorder. How can you stop doing it before it ruins your marriage? <br /><br />Here's an example of how I fixed this while I was in private practice. <br /><br />I was seeing this one couple in their early 20s who had a little kid. The guy would come home, put his hand on top of the refrigerator to see if there was dust or dirt. Really! There was also a lot of, <em>"Our kid is wearing that?". </em>It was just terrible. <br /><br />So, I said to him, <em>“You’re making a terrible mistake.” </em>And he thought that I was going to start yelling at him for being a jerk. I said, <em>“You worked a long hard day. You come home and the first thing you put yourself through is checking everything. You poor thing. You should be able to come home and be rewarded for the job you did all day at work.” </em><br /><br />His eyes were getting bigger and bigger and bigger. <br /><br />I told him, <em>“This is what I’d like you to do... come home, go to your office and Mary will come in with some cookies and milk and your kid; and they’re just going to hang out with you. She’s going to rub your neck for about three minutes. That’s what’s going to happen when you walk through the front door.”</em><br /><br />That was the end of him micromanaging and they got along really well after that. <br /><br />Now, a lot of people micromanage because they experienced similar treatment earlier in life. Maybe when you grew up, you were micromanaged. Maybe you had no voice or control. Or, the flip side to that, you grew up in total chaos and your coping mechanism was to micromanage yourself. <br /><br />So, if you’re doing this, it’s because you’re trying to rid yourself of anxiety. If this is being done to you, then you have to gently address that person’s anxiety and do something like I described. <br /><br /><em>"Honey, you had such a long day… let me just rub your feet."</em><br /><br />Obviously, you don’t feel like that because you’re being micromanaged, but it will change the universe. <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/blog_061316.jpg" alt="" width="700" height="410" /><br />Staff2016-06-09T23:07:00ZChange Your Mindset; Change Your LifeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Change-Your-Mindset;-Change-Your-Life/959319478564574497.html2016-05-19T23:01:00Z2016-05-19T23:01:00Z<br /><br /><br />How can you make your life better right now? Some of you have such a heavy weight to carry. I don’t have a cutesy thing to tell you. Sometimes we just have to endure it for a while. But in general, there are things we can do to make our lives better. It doesn’t have to be heavy lifting. It can be small things. <br /><br />Think about people you know who are doing the things you want to be doing or have things that you want. You know, frankly, you’re envious of them. Think about them for a minute. Now, think about if you turned that envy into curiosity. <br /><br /><em>"How did they get there?" </em><br /><br /><em>"How do they do those things?"<br /> </em><br /><em>"How can I do this?" </em><br /><br />We can feel sorry for ourselves that we don’t have whatever they have. Or, we can be curious and learn and improve ourselves, increasing the chances that we too can do what we want in our lives and make ourselves happier. <br /><br />Of course, the irony in a lot of this is we think we’d be happier. But truly, we wouldn’t. Sometimes we just want what they have, but we don’t want to pay the price to get there ourselves. <br /><br />Another way to change your life for the better is to talk about being in the process. <em>“I’m in the process of learning how to be _____”, </em>whatever it is. It’s a process. It’s not an event – not some sort of ticking time bomb about to explode in your head. That’s how you should describe it to yourself in your own mind, much less to anyone else. <br /><br /><em>"I’m working on becoming more attentive to detail." </em><br /><br /><em>"I’m working on becoming more athletic." </em><br /><br />And you don’t want to focus in on what the success would look like. Every situation is going to be different. You want to focus on just becoming a better version of you and wherever that takes you. How can you improve yourself a little each day? The results will pile up and come later. <br /><br />Something I hear a lot is, <em>“Oh my God, what if I make the wrong decision?” </em>Well, you’re going to waste a lot of time in your life. If you’re so afraid of making the wrong decision, you’ll make no decision and do nothing – which means you won’t move forward. <br /><br />Initially, I thought I wanted to be a research scientist. I pushed really hard through college and graduate school to get a PhD in physiology at Columbia University. But after that, I never spent another minute with another rat. It wasn’t what I really wanted. Was it wasted time? Hell, no. I have one heck of an education and it taught me how to think analytically and make deductions. The scientific training was fabulous for what I ended up doing. It may not seem related, but all of that thinking helps me whenever I’m trying to solve a problem. <br /><br />So, it’s not ever wasted. <br /><br />A little bit of curiosity every day - you may be surprised where it’ll take you. <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/blog_052016.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="400" /><br />Staff2016-05-19T23:01:00ZAre Smartphones Making Us Dumb?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Are-Smartphones-Making-Us-Dumb/-541224296589225758.html2016-05-12T22:39:00Z2016-05-12T22:39:00Z<br /><br />Smartphones are screwing up our kids. They don’t know how to talk to people. They don’t know how to relate. They don’t know how to communicate. They don’t know how to look people in the eye. They don’t know how to have prolonged conversations. They just know how to use their thumbs instead of their tongues. <br /><br />And most of you parents are at fault. Every one of you who has given your minor child a smartphone, I call that bad parenting. There’s absolutely no reason for them to have a smartphone. <br /><br />There’s a reason for them to go to school. There’s a reason for them to have playtime. There’s a reason for them to participate in sports. There’s a reason for them to play music. But there is no reason whatsoever, unless they’re drug dealers, that they need a smartphone. <br /><br />There are so many studies on this - I got bored looking at all of them. <br /><br />College students spend 8-10 hours a day on their cell phones. Girls more than guys. Probably because girls are more loquacious—except they’re using their thumbs. <br /><br />Another study found that young adults who are high-frequency smartphone users experience leisure distress - meaning, the DTs. That's right. Today's young adults are feeling uptight, stressed, and anxious because they have no idea what to do without their cell phones. <br /><br />This is disgusting and terrible. <br /><br />I mean, I know that our young people are getting more and more ignorant because they go to college and learn stupid things instead of useful things. They learn some activist group’s studies, instead of things they really need, like earning a living or serving their community and families. <br /><br />It’s pathetic. <br /><br />What is always humorous, in a sardonic way, is when these so-called news outlets send reporters out to talk to people who are “protesting”. It doesn’t matter what they’re protesting or what side they’re protesting; they’re just out there protesting. When asked, what are they unhappy about, what makes them come out and protest, they usually say something like, <em>“Oh, I don’t want to discuss it…” </em>Well, then why are you making noise and disrupting if you don’t want to discuss it? That’s the point of a protest. It’s called discussion and debate. No, we have just bred a generation of people who want to burn down buildings, hurt people, and make noise rather than have a discussion or do anything constructive. And this is all part of it. <br /><br />You can just go on blogs and websites - whatever you want - and say bad and horrible things with no substance. Or should you have any substance, it doesn’t have to be truthful. It used to be a terrible embarrassment to be caught in a lie. Back in the day, being caught in an untruth would have been terminal. But today? You can do and say anything without consequence - unless it has to do with cupcakes and weddings, then your whole life is destroyed. It’s the only arena in which there seems to be that kind of reaction. <br /><br />Besides the dumbing down of especially our young people, smartphones have also caused us neck problems from looking down. People aren’t looking around at their surroundings. They have lousy sleep because the light from these devices impacts it. The brain never gets a chance to reboot. Moods are not lifted. Memory skills are not helped. People are not being creative. Nothing good is coming out of everybody walking around with smartphones. <br /><br />That's why, more often than not, I either turn off my phone or leave it at home. I’ll be some place and someone will ask, <em>“Where’s your phone?”</em> and I respond, <em>“I left it at home.” </em><br /><br /><em>"But, uh, what if…?"</em><br /><br /><em>"What if can wait. I want to have a peaceful lunch." </em><br /><br />I want to look face to face with whoever I’m having lunch with or pet my dogs if I’m alone. <br /><br />We are losing our <strong>HUMANity</strong>. There’s no content to our lives, and we've become so introverted because of the pseudo-communication. There’s no depth. People don’t know how to talk to each other and don’t know how to solve problems. <br /><br />Do I text? Yes, if there’s brief information that I have to give somebody. <br /><br /><em>"Tomorrow at 2."</em><br /><br />I don’t need an entire phone call for that, but if there’s anything of significance, I make a phone call. <br /><br />It’s interesting how many people there are constantly on their phones and don’t want to talk. It’ll go to voicemail and then I’ll get a text back regarding some sort of nonsense about not picking up the phone - because people don’t want to waste their time talking to somebody. Yet, they expect to have good relationships. Good luck with that.<br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/blog_051216.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="400" /><br />Staff2016-05-12T22:39:00ZNobody's Perfect... Including You!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Nobodys-Perfect...-Including-You!/102578560887105932.html2016-05-05T22:26:00Z2016-05-05T22:26:00Z<br /><br /><br />How do you keep perfectionism from screwing up your life and your relationships? <br /><br />You know, perfectionism is a terrible burden. Between the criticism and the arguments, perfectionism makes it hard to be who you really are. You don’t show your vulnerabilities, your inadequacies, your weaknesses, or your needs. You have unrealistic expectations of yourself. You won’t share what you’re really thinking or feeling or worrying about because you don’t want to look imperfect. <br /><br />It’s no way to live. <br /><br />So, the smaller part is that you’re annoying. The bigger part is that you suffer a terrible loneliness. Perfectionists are very lonely because ultimately, they can’t show who they are and be loved for who they are. It’s a heavy cross to bear. <br /><br />But in a marriage, if you know that you tend toward perfectionism, it’s easy to make things better. Spend your time trying to find things to compliment your spouse on. Step back and put things into perspective. Realize that just because something is the way your family did things, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the only way or the right way to do something. <br /><br />You need to be more compassionate with yourself. You need to relax and have some fun. You need to communicate the scary stuff inside because deep connections are only formed when we share our struggles, fears, and vulnerabilities. Push yourself ever-so gently every day. Be kinder to yourself. <br /><br />Change is a process. It is not an event.<br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/blog_050516" alt="" width="600" height="400" />Staff2016-05-05T22:26:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-10233842102076925.html2016-04-20T15:27:00Z2016-04-20T15:27:00ZA much-needed parenting tip in this day and age... <br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_042016.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2016-04-20T15:27:00ZWhat's Keeping You from Moving Forward?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Whats-Keeping-You-from-Moving-Forward/-209789436660440149.html2016-04-14T07:01:00Z2016-04-14T07:01:00Z<br /><br />There are lots of little annoying qualities, behaviors, and attitudes that keep us from moving forward in life. There are plenty of situations, occurrences, experiences, and people to be disappointed with to go around. That's the sad, universal truth. <br /><br />But let's be frank with each other. We all have only a finite number of years between today and dead. So we have to decide if we really want to spend them feeling tortured, miserable, frustrated, angry, or disappointed. <br /><br />I remember the first time I thought I'd write a book. It was a miserable experience for me. Do you know why? I was worried about other people's opinions when they read it. I was totally focused in on sounding smart, and as a result, what I wrote was crap. It didn't come from my heart, experience, or deep inside where I had been analyzing things. All I cared about was, "How am I going to look?". Yet, the moment I shifted from that mode of self-doubt into believing that I had something to say, I wrote <em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060976497/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0060976497&linkCode=as2&tag=wwwdrlauracom-20&linkId=P4PWXUGA3DPD4SUU" target="_blank">10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives</a></em>, which was (and still is) a very helpful book, especially for younger women. <br /><br />When I first started on radio, I went through a similar crisis. When I'd listen to callers, instead of trying to understand and do something useful for them, I was thinking, "Oh my gosh, there are people listening. I have to sound smart." <br /><br />Where did this obsession with sounding smart come from? My childhood. Because my dad called me stupid all the time, I put a high premium on not looking stupid to others. In order to snap out of it, I needed to go through a major attitudinal change. I needed to decide that it didn't matter if someone didn't like me or had a negative opinion of me. I was there to help somebody. My purpose was my repair. <br /><br />Oftentimes I get calls on my show where <strong>someone wants something that is generally hopeless</strong>. For example, "Why did my parent/sibling/kid do what they did?" Sometimes there just isn't a reasonable explanation as to why someone does something. As human beings, we don't like that. We like an explanation. We feel safer with it. Yet the truth is, there isn't always going to be one, so rehashing it over and over won't change anything. Let people act the way they act and decide whether or not you want them in your life. When you have unrealistic expectations for people, you're going to be disappointed. They're not going to be able to fulfill them because they have their own internal world and you're not in the center of it. <br /><br />Another way people stay stuck (sometimes for decades) is because <strong>they have done something really stupid or made a mistake</strong>. As I've said many times on my program, it's not that you made a mistake; what matters is that you learned from it. Not everything can be fixed, but you can always learn. Beating yourself up over something you've learned from and tried to repair is futile. <br /><br />Now, what if you are in the reverse situation and <strong>someone has righteously hurt, disappointed, or betrayed you</strong>? Don't carry a grudge. I'm sure you have a list of people who you wouldn't mind if the bottom fell out of their lives and they got their comeuppance for crap they did to you. You can have your list, but don't spend your days focusing on it. Spending your energy on people who don't care about you stops you from moving forward. <br /><br />Finally, <strong>find something in your current life that you are happy about</strong>. Maybe it's that you even have a life. When I see people in terrible situations, I sit for a second and think, "I'm grateful that's not me and their problems are not amongst my problems." There must be something you are grateful for. <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/090315_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="400" /><br />Staff2016-04-14T07:01:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/581067192692179227.html2016-04-13T15:14:00Z2016-04-13T15:14:00ZWhat you see is what you get. <br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_041316.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2016-04-13T15:14:00ZHow to Be More AssertiveStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Be-More-Assertive/161049620359611072.html2016-03-17T21:59:00Z2016-03-17T21:59:00Z<br /><br />Assertiveness has nothing to do with yelling, screaming or threatening. Assertiveness actually requires you to be totally calm (at least on the outside). In fact, remaining calm is what gives you power. The person who loses it is the one losing – in terms of both commanding respect and attention. <br /><br />Here are some <strong>simple ways to be more assertive</strong>:<br /><br /><strong>Decide what your limits are.</strong> What are you going to tolerate and what are you going to cut off at the pass? A little flexibility is OK, but you have to stick to your decisions about what’s tolerable and what’s not. <br /><br /><strong>Stop being so forgiving.</strong> If you continually forgive someone for ongoing bad behavior, the behavior will only get worse. <br /><br /><strong>Practice.</strong> Because assertiveness involves calm, clear communication and not a verbal assault, practice what you’re going to say in front of a mirror. <br /><br /><strong>State your grievance and offer a solution.</strong> When you assert yourself, you need to alert the other person that there is something you need to talk with them about. Calmly tell them what the problem is. For example, say, <em>“I want to talk about the way you’ve been yelling at me. I don’t like it, and I am hurt and offended by it. It’s disturbing to the family, it doesn’t make me feel affectionate about you, and you don’t look too good doing it.”</em> Then, try to seek some agreement about doing things differently. Ask, <em>“Can we agree that from now on, you won’t yell, or if you are upset about something significant, let’s not discuss it front of other people.” </em>Be sure to present a solution. <br /><br />Now, if you’re dealing with a resistant, unreasonable idiot, there’s nothing I can do to help you. Every situation cannot be fixed – that’s simply a fact of life. <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/031716_blog.jpg" alt="" width="706" height="470" /><br /><br /><br />Staff2016-03-17T21:59:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/127310987478019407.html2016-03-16T17:02:00Z2016-03-16T17:02:00ZRemember, Rome wasn't built in a day.<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_031616_2.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2016-03-16T17:02:00ZAre Parents to Blame for Unhappy Kids?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Are-Parents-to-Blame-for-Unhappy-Kids/-503851071845255875.html2016-03-10T17:28:00Z2016-03-10T17:28:00Z<br /><br />Parents today have gotten so caught up in straight A's, select sports teams, top-tier colleges, and even top-tier preschools that the social and emotional aspects of a child's psyche have gone completely by the wayside. <br /><br />In the day, children had the freedom to explore and play. They were allowed to take things apart and figure out how to put them back together again. Kids had downtime to be creative and develop an interest in something. Nowadays, parents overemphasize grades and athletic prowess, and practically have a heart attack when their kids want to draw, dance, or play music. <br /><br />Many kids find school boring, but they <em>do </em>have a passion for something else. Yet, their parents eliminate that passion as punishment for bad grades. It's no wonder why these kids become depressed, drink, and sneak out at night. <br /><br />As a parent, you need to help your child pursue <em>their</em> interests, not <em>yours</em>. You also need to do it with enthusiasm. Only when kids are engaged in their passions do they put in the time and effort required to master something. <br /><br />Our country has a record number of kids with mental illness. They are unhappy. They have horrible relationships. Why? Because children today are brought up only to be concerned with externals (money, success, and how they look to others). Kids are no longer taught to be driven by internals (making a difference, serving others, and following their dreams). <br /><br />I implore parents to pay more attention to their kids. What do your kids have a passion for, and how can you give them the support they need to pursue it? <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/071515_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br /><br /><br />Staff2016-03-10T17:28:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-382396552116837026.html2016-03-04T16:45:00Z2016-03-04T16:45:00Z<em>"Don't let what you cannot do <br />interfere with what you can do."<br /> <br /></em>- John Wooden<br /><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/030316_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="400" />Staff2016-03-04T16:45:00ZHow to Stop Negative ThinkingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Stop-Negative-Thinking/265721077529872293.html2016-03-03T17:30:00Z2016-03-03T17:30:00Z<p class="NoSpacing"><br />A little bit of skepticism and paranoia is healthy. It's what keeps you alert and aware of bad things that could happen and protects you from being victimized and preyed upon. However, too much negative thinking can be just as enfeebling as walking around with pure naivety. <br /><br />Research shows that if you grow up in a house with negative thinkers, you get trained from an early age to have that reaction. I know this all too well because I lived it firsthand. I'm a knee-jerk negative thinker because that's how my parents were. And even though I have never been able to shut off that reflex, I have learned how to pull my act together and work in a positive way to get over it. If that were not the case, I wouldn't be here talking to you because I never would have accomplished what I have with all the roadblocks one has as a female in higher education and the media. <br /><br />Here are some things to keep in mind the next time you start having negative thoughts:<!-- p--></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>1. It's OK to have an initial, knee-jerk negative reaction, you just can't stay in that mindset. </strong><br />Everyone deserves an opportunity to complain a little and blow off some steam. It's both calming and cleansing. However, you then have to turn it around and use it to kick ass. It's like driving a stick shift: You start off in a negative gear and then shift up to a positive gear. <br /><br /><strong>2. Where you are now is not necessarily where you're going to end up.</strong><br />The problem with negative thinking is that you don't look for options. It may be something only a millimeter better, but at least it's <em>better</em>. If you look for options instead of excuses, you can improve your situation. <br /><br /><strong>3. Life is not a box of chocolates - it's flowers growing out of horse poop. </strong><br />Sometimes it takes guts to stay even the slightest bit optimistic and positive through a setback. However, in order to make flowers grow in a field, you need fertilizer.<br /><br /><strong>4. By only focusing on the failures and catastrophes, you don't notice the small, good things which are there all the time.</strong> <br />There are people who will betray you, screw you over, steal from you, lie, cheat, gossip, and try to maim you physically, emotionally and socially. But just because they're out there doesn't mean they're all that's out there. <br /><br /><strong>5. If you think you're going to fail, you're probably right.</strong> <br />One thing I've learned from shooting pool is that if you have it in your head that you're going to miss a shot, you almost always do. Learn to expect the positives, not <em>just</em> the negatives. Instead of saying, "I'm sure I'm going to fail," say, "I'm scared, but I'm going to do my best and keep my toes crossed." <br /><br /><strong>6. Celebrate the good stuff. </strong><br />Don't minimize the positives. When good things happen, throw yourself a mental party, if not a real party. <br /><br /><strong>7. It's not over 'til it's over.</strong><br />Never stop trying hard because you figure it's over. I can't tell you how many times I've had a bad start, made a mistake, or been dead last in a sailboat race only to come back and win or place. At the end of the race, I feel like a moron for ever having allowed a negative thought to cross my mind. Out on the water, my mantra now is, "Do you see the finish line? No? Then it's not over." <br /><br /><strong>8. Negativity is contagious. </strong><br />Surround yourself with positive people and minimize your interaction with negative ones. <br /><br /><strong>9. If you are thinking negatively about someone, ask yourself if it's because of a quirk or their character.</strong><br />Many of you have very strong expectations about other people's behavior. I do too. However, by being too rigid, you're not going to have any friends. I accept all quirks that have nothing to do with character. We all have human frailties and things that could be improved upon. For example, I have a friend who smokes. He doesn't do it in my presence and he chews a ton of gum so I can't detect it. I'm friends with him because that's a quirk, not a character issue. <br /><br />Character issues are where I draw the line. To me, one of the classiest things a person can do when they find out they've screwed up in any size, shape or form is to own it and say, "I'm sorry." In my opinion, that shows you are a person of character. Most people seem to have a very hard time owning their stuff. <!-- p--></p>
<p>For more advice on how to put an end to negative thinking, read my book, <strong><em><a href="/pg/jsp/community/bookdetail.jsp?detID=-547188684474069642">Stop Whining, Start Living.</a></em></strong></p>
<p> </p>Staff2016-03-03T17:30:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/145779340204539331.html2016-02-27T03:46:00Z2016-02-27T03:46:00Z<em>Don't just talk about it. <br />BE about it. <br /><br /></em>- Unknown<br /><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/022616_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" />Staff2016-02-27T03:46:00ZLife-Changing MomentsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Life-Changing-Moments/388296904917707570.html2016-02-25T17:35:00Z2016-02-25T17:35:00Z<p><br /><br /></p>
<p>I was outside drinking coffee with a friend when I saw an extremely crippled man in his 30's pushing a shopping cart and collecting plastic water bottles. When my friend got up to throw something in the trash, he turned to her and exclaimed, "Have a wonderful day!"</p>
<p>When my friend sat back down next to me, I said to her, "He is an amazing person. Here's someone who has so much less than you, doing something that I would probably collapse under, and yet he had it in his heart and soul to perk up your day. He wasn't pouty. He wasn't hostile. He was cheerful. That was an amazing person who you just had talk to you."</p>
<p>A few minutes later, my friend looked at me and said, "That was a life-changing moment for me. Thank you for pointing that out."</p>
We all have these life-changing moments. We need to take advantage of them and use them wisely.<br /><br />
<p><img src="/images/blog/102314_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="391" /></p>Staff2016-02-25T17:35:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/614324760322649429.html2016-02-24T16:40:00Z2016-02-24T16:40:00Z<br />You can't build today with the broken pieces of yesterday...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays022416.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2016-02-24T16:40:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-771676999026033822.html2016-02-17T15:54:00Z2016-02-17T15:54:00Z<br />You are as strong as the choices you make. <br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_021716.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2016-02-17T15:54:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/631535923951426544.html2016-02-10T15:22:00Z2016-02-10T15:22:00Z<br />Love is not all about me, me, me!<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_021016.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2016-02-10T15:22:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/528505958118589489.html2016-01-29T17:46:00Z2016-01-29T17:46:00Z<em>A goal without a plan is just a wish.<br /><br /></em>- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry<br />French writer, poet, journalist, and pioneering aviator.
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/012916_quote.jpg" alt="" width="640" height="427" /></p>Staff2016-01-29T17:46:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-659651608830297566.html2016-01-27T17:01:00Z2016-01-27T17:01:00Z<br />There is no going forward dragging yesterday behind you...<br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_012716.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2016-01-27T17:01:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/220067373522946946.html2016-01-22T17:30:00Z2016-01-22T17:30:00Z<em>The sooner you step away from your comfort zone, <br />the sooner you'll realize that it really wasn't all that comfortable.<br /><br /></em>- Eddie Harris Jr.
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/012216_quote.jpg" alt="" width="640" height="427" /></p>Staff2016-01-22T17:30:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-42929066523487031.html2016-01-20T15:16:00Z2016-01-20T15:16:00Z<br />Maturity doesn't mean age. It's an attitude...<br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_012016.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2016-01-20T15:16:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-669477177864962479.html2016-01-15T17:19:00Z2016-01-15T17:19:00Z<em>Making mistakes is better than </em><br /><em>faking perfections.</em><br />
<p>- Unknown</p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/011516_quote.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="690" /></p>Staff2016-01-15T17:19:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/41784450784300760.html2016-01-13T14:05:00Z2016-01-13T14:05:00Z<br />Communication is like oxygen to a marriage. Without it, the relationship dies...<br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_011316.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2016-01-13T14:05:00ZNo Excuse for Chronic LatenessStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/No-Excuse-for-Chronic-Lateness/350725037143279255.html2016-01-11T08:48:00Z2016-01-11T08:48:00Z<em>(originally published October 21, 2010)<br /></em><br />There are lots of ways to show others disrespect. One very typical example of disrespectful behavior is being chronically late. Oh, people have lots of excuses: the dog, the computer, the kid, the traffic, the moon spots, and, of course “stuff happens.”<br /><br />I’m not talking about an isolated event. I’m talking about a <em>pattern</em> of behavior. Being chronically late not only messes up plans, it hurts feelings. I believe more often than not, chronic lateness is passive-aggressive behavior. That means the individual who is always late is saying (in code): “I am more important than you; you can’t tell me what to do; you are not in control of me; I will do what I <em>wish</em> to do,” and more. Instead of saying all this directly, however, the <em>behavior </em>says it while the conversation is one of “Oh, I’m sorry. I tried to make it on time.” The meaning behind the behavior is the “aggression,” and the attempt to make it seem accidental is the “passive” part.<br /><br />It is also true many folks just pile too much into a day to properly handle all their responsibilities; such anxiety-directed personalities find themselves always up to their eyeballs in too many self-selected obligations, responsibilities, busy work, promises, desires, and on and on and on.<br /><br />And now, people can email and text and call from a little hand phone. They very likely feel less and less upset about being late and making others wait because (they rationalize) <em>“At least I’m letting them know of my progress.”</em> None of that, however, changes the frustration, disappointment and hurt in the hearts and minds of those left waiting…and waiting…and waiting.<br /><br />Relationships have been lost over this misbehavior, and rightfully so. Friendships are supposed to be reciprocal in interest, thoughtfulness, compassion and respect. When they are consistently lopsided, it is no longer a healthy friendship.<br /><br />I had a friend who was chronically late. Nonetheless, we planned to go to an event together. I warned her most clearly: “If you are not here at the stroke of 7 or before, turn your car around. I’ll be gone, probably permanently.” This friend was there about 30 seconds before 7.<br /> <br />Rules and expectations and consequences have to be considered. It’s one thing to be disrespected by someone; it is quite another to constantly permit it to happen. This just gives the chronic “latester” more permission to repeat the behavior. Remember, I’m not talking about unavoidable circumstances. I<em> am</em> talking about patterns of behavior.<br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/011116_blog2.jpg" alt="" width="602" height="400" /><br />Staff2016-01-11T08:48:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-312280673864665919.html2016-01-09T01:17:00Z2016-01-09T01:17:00Z<p><em>How you make others feel about themselves </em><br /><em>says a lot about you.</em><br /><br />- Unknown</p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/010816_quote.jpg" alt="" width="625" height="400" /></p>Staff2016-01-09T01:17:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-674173875165244587.html2016-01-06T17:53:00Z2016-01-06T17:53:00Z<br />Everything is easier said than done. So what?!<br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_010616.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2016-01-06T17:53:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-583247201569516253.html2015-12-18T18:14:00Z2015-12-18T18:14:00Z<p><br /><em>It's not how much we give, <br />but how much love we put into giving.</em><br /><br />- Mother Teresa</p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/121815_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="400" /></p>Staff2015-12-18T18:14:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-796837153957256644.html2015-12-16T19:12:00Z2015-12-16T19:12:00Z<br /><br />Despite what the pop psychobabble mumbo jumbo will tell you, you don't get self-esteem from anyone or anything. Self-esteem comes from within. <br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_121615.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-12-16T19:12:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-970551751299491143.html2015-12-10T21:34:00Z2015-12-10T21:34:00Z<p><br /><em>Behind every great kid is a mom who's <br />pretty sure she's screwing it all up. </em><br /><br />-Unknown</p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/121115_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="400" /></p>Staff2015-12-10T21:34:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/854738048172052502.html2015-12-09T23:00:00Z2015-12-09T23:00:00Z<br /><br />We have to accept the things we cannot change...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_1209152.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-12-09T23:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/325989126779148532.html2015-12-04T22:21:00Z2015-12-04T22:21:00Z<p><br /><em>Ask yourself if what you're doing today is getting you closer to <br />where you want to be tomorrow. </em><br /><br />-Unknown</p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/120415_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="400" /></p>Staff2015-12-04T22:21:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-221155853338621445.html2015-12-02T23:43:00Z2015-12-02T23:43:00Z<br /><br />You're never going to be perfect. That doesn't mean you can't be lovable... <br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_120215.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-12-02T23:43:00ZBrain: 22; Body: Much OlderStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Brain:-22;-Body:-Much-Older/312752894863336441.html2015-11-23T22:35:00Z2015-11-23T22:35:00Z<em>(originally published October 26, 2010)<br /></em><br /><span>How many times have you heard an adult say something like: "I know I'm a mature adult, but I feel like a teenager on the inside?" Sometimes, there's a real disconnect between what we see in the mirror and what we think inside our heads. Watch:<br /><br /></span><br /><iframe frameborder="0" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/i9gZuk1qoxk" height="315" width="560"></iframe> <br /><br /><br /><br />
<p> </p>Staff2015-11-23T22:35:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-443830060796481760.html2015-11-20T22:53:00Z2015-11-20T22:53:00Z<p><br /><em>We should all be concerned about the future because we will <br />have to spend the rest of our lives there. </em><br /><br />-Charles Kettering <br />American inventor, engineer, businessman, and the holder of 186 patents</p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/112015_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="400" /></p>Staff2015-11-20T22:53:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-160702670870334079.html2015-11-18T21:42:00Z2015-11-18T21:42:00Z<br /><br />Just because everyone else is doing it is no excuse... <br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_111815.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-11-18T21:42:00ZHelp! My Teen Is a Pain in the Neck!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Help!-My-Teen-Is-a-Pain-in-the-Neck!/-645307703067188591.html2015-11-16T18:22:00Z2015-11-16T18:22:00Z<em>(originally published August 31, 2010)<br /></em><br /><span>One day your children are cuddling up in your lap, and the next day they don't want to have anything to do with you. Welcome to the dream of parenting a teen! The question is, what do you do when your teenager is being a royal pain? Watch:<br /><br /></span><br /><iframe width="853" height="480" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/4cQQipUBZxU" frameborder="0"></iframe> <br /><br /><br /><br />
<p> </p>Staff2015-11-16T18:22:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/381504510232972714.html2015-11-13T23:04:00Z2015-11-13T23:04:00Z<p><br /><em>Failure is just another way to learn how to do something right.</em><br /><br />-Marian Wright Edelman<br />American activist for the rights of children </p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/111315_quote.jpg" alt="" width="497" height="600" /></p>Staff2015-11-13T23:04:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-569038739839896800.html2015-11-12T00:32:00Z2015-11-12T00:32:00Z<br /><br />Trying to be rational with an irrational person makes YOU irrational... <br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_111115.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-11-12T00:32:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/807611372737500208.html2015-11-05T22:18:00Z2015-11-05T22:18:00Z<p><br /><em>A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks. </em><br /><br />-Charles Gordy </p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/110615_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></p>Staff2015-11-05T22:18:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-230696729878288502.html2015-11-04T18:12:00Z2015-11-04T18:12:00Z<br /><br />Morality is thicker than blood...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_110415_2.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-11-04T18:12:00ZNeeding Some Girl and Guy Time!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Needing-Some-Girl-and-Guy-Time!/675684682418374139.html2015-11-02T18:05:00Z2015-11-02T18:05:00Z<em>(originally published September 21, 2010)<br /></em><br /><span>If you've been in a steady relationship or a long marriage, you realize the value of having some "girl time" or "guy time". However, w<span>hat's the best way to schedule it?</span> Watch:<br /><br /></span><br /> <iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/NahD31gClAw" frameborder="0"></iframe> <br /><br /><br /><br />
<p> </p>Staff2015-11-02T18:05:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-689704486290413862.html2015-10-30T21:55:00Z2015-10-30T21:55:00Z<p><br /><em>End of Daylight Savings <br /><br />A week of waking up an hour early<br />because pets and babies<br />can't read clocks. </em></p>
<p>-Unknown</p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/103015_quote.jpg" alt="" width="417" height="600" /></p>Staff2015-10-30T21:55:00Z3 Things to Think About Before Confronting SomeoneStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/3-Things-to-Think-About-Before-Confronting-Someone/534304781406373377.html2015-10-29T23:50:00Z2015-10-29T23:50:00Z<br /><br />Confrontations are absolutely necessary. When problems arise, you have to resolve them. You can't let things fester and then blow up at someone – that's not fair. <br /><br />However, most people go about confrontations all wrong. They either scream and yell a lot, or they are so terrified of not being liked that they don't stand up for themselves. A healthy confrontation is voicing a disagreement or problem with the intent of resolving it and making you and the other person better for it. <br /><br />Here are three things to consider before confronting someone:<br /><br /><strong>1. Don't do it when you're in a nutcase mood.</strong><br /><br /><strong>2. Make sure your anger has to do with them.</strong> A lot of times we blow up at people because of our own baggage rather than something they have actually done. <br /><br /><strong>3. Think about what you want them to do.</strong> You need to tell the person <em>what you want to have happen</em>, <strong>NOT</strong> what you don't want to have happen. For example, telling your spouse, "When you come home, I don't want you to walk through the door and ignore me," is backwards. Instead say, "When you come home, I yearn for you to greet me." Confrontations are essentially positive manipulations. If someone at work always leaves their dirty cup in the sink, you can either rip them apart by saying they're a slob and you’re tired of it, or you can get a communal dish rack and tell them, "I realize there really wasn't a good way for everyone to do their dishes, so I got this rack. Now when people wash their cups, there's a nice rack for everyone to put their cups on." The person is more likely going to put their cup on that brand new rack. <br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/blog_102915.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="400" /><br /><br />Staff2015-10-29T23:50:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/186789464333483148.html2015-10-28T17:29:00Z2015-10-28T17:29:00Z<br /><br />It's your child's life - not yours... <br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_102815.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-10-28T17:29:00ZWho's Harder to Raise - Boys or Girls?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Whos-Harder-to-Raise---Boys-or-Girls/200837600612728202.html2015-10-26T17:00:00Z2015-10-26T17:00:00Z<em>(originally published September 23, 2010)<br /></em><br /><br />I came across a very interesting article in <em>Parenting</em> magazine: "Boys vs. Girls: Who's Harder to Raise?" If you only had one or the other, your answer would simply be whatever you endured as a parent! If you had both, well you probably have strong opinions based on which kid gave you the most grief, stress, and challenge.<br /><br />According to the article, parents of boys complain about dealing with <em>"fights, farts, and video games,"</em> but parents of girls complain about <em>"fussy fashion, prickly social navigations, and a far greater capacity to hold a grudge."<br /></em><br />They're both right. Boys and girls are equally "harder" – just in different ways. Of course, every child is unique and environment counts for something, but there is such a thing as a <em>male</em> brain and a <em>female</em> brain, and they operate quite differently!<br /><br />Here are some categories to look at:<br /><br /><strong>1. Discipline</strong><br /><br />Boys are harder. Boys are less verbal and more tactile. Telling them to "stop" is not as powerful as picking them up and plopping them back in their rooms. Boys respond to physical cues. Girls respond to verbal ones. And at least while they are young, girls tend to want to please more; boys are simply into their own worlds and are more impulsive.<br /><br />Five times as many boys than girls are singled out for medication or diagnosis with some disorder when it is likely just the result of a male brain requiring more opportunities to expend innate energy and aggression (which is why sports is more important for boys than girls – there, I've said it). Boys need firmer limits too (which is why I think boys and girls should be educated separately, and boys should have alpha male teachers.<br /><br /><strong>2. Physical Safety</strong><br /><br />Boys are harder because they are inherently more physical and risk-taking. Taking risks for boys is "hard-wired" in, whereas girls are more careful. Boys need to be guided into limits; girls need to be encouraged to take risks (this is usually what a father does for his daughter).<br /><br /><strong>3. Communication</strong><br /><br />Girls are hard wired to be people-oriented, while boys are hard wired to be action oriented. Boys talk later than girls and have more trouble connecting feelings with words. Girls talk, talk, and talk some more and get involved in drama, drama, drama; boys will fight with each other and then it's over – off they go to do rough and tumble.<br /><br /><strong>4. Self-esteem</strong><br /><br />Girls are harder, because they're people oriented and therefore people pleasers. Boys march to their own drums. Girls worry more about what friends think and say about them and they try to achieve perfection in how they look, becoming absorbed in who likes them. This is why sports and creative arts are important for girls – when girls use their bodies with strength, and their talents with creativity, they gain a positive sense of themselves.<br /><br />The bottom line? <em>Parenting</em> claims that boys are harder early on (girls are cute and compliant at this stage, but boys are impulsive and rowdy), while girls get harder later on, with all their relationship and self-image turmoil.<br /><br />So no matter what gender your children are, "fasten your seatbelt" – you're in for a bumpy ride, but one which is also emotionally rewarding.<br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/102615_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="400" /><br />Staff2015-10-26T17:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-134159688133831378.html2015-10-23T16:45:00Z2015-10-23T16:45:00Z<p><br /><em>Never apologize for having high standards. <br /><br />People who really want to be in your life <br />will rise up to meet them. </em></p>
<p>-Unknown</p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/102315_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="400" /></p>Staff2015-10-23T16:45:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/593824534502479422.html2015-10-20T23:23:00Z2015-10-20T23:23:00Z<br /><br />Just because someone else behaves badly, doesn't mean you should. <br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_102115.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-10-20T23:23:00ZNew Town? New School? Feeling Like the Oddball Out?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/New-Town-New-School-Feeling-Like-the-Oddball-Out/647786954701425300.html2015-10-19T17:19:00Z2015-10-19T17:19:00Z<em>(originally published August 24, 2010)<br /></em><br /><span>When you’re the new kid in town or the new family on the block, there’s a way to overcome the awkwardness of not knowing anyone. Watch:<br /><br /></span><br /> <iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/TeXZCqhh7Vk" frameborder="0"></iframe> <br /><br /><br /><br />
<p> </p>Staff2015-10-19T17:19:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-232212478360178356.html2015-10-16T23:22:00Z2015-10-16T23:22:00Z<p><br /><em>When you focus on problems, you will have more problems.<br /></em><em>When you focus on possibilities, you’ll have more opportunities. </em></p>
<p>-Unknown</p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/101615_quote.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="560" /></p>Staff2015-10-16T23:22:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/701897181397310442.html2015-10-14T16:34:00Z2015-10-14T16:34:00Z<br /><br />Want to make your marriage better? Here's a simple tip you can implement every day... <br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_101415.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-10-14T16:34:00ZShooting Pool Is Great TherapyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Shooting-Pool-Is-Great-Therapy/83105886537593524.html2015-10-12T21:06:00Z2015-10-12T21:06:00Z<em>(originally published August 26, 2010)<br /></em><br /><br />I’ve been taking lessons in shooting pool now each week for two years. My teacher, Al Vafa, is a pro: an interesting, funny, smart, thoughtful guy, and a magnificent pool player.<br /><br />If I am in the right mindset, the average “not that serious” pool player would have a hard time beating me. Again, that is <em><strong>if I am in the right mindset</strong></em>. It took the better part of the first year of lessons to stop saying “I suck,” to stop crying, getting angry, and even once actually breaking my costly pool cue.<br /><br />This was not just about pool. This was a metaphor for my life. My dad was ferocious with me. I remember the day before a science project was due for a school science fair, I went into the back yard, picked out some flowers, pulled them apart, glued them onto a poster board, and named all the parts. It wasn’t very neat, and it wasn’t very brilliant, but it was something to hand in so I wouldn’t get into trouble. My dad came home, took one look at it, and went ballistic. I was up most of the night with him, tears streaming down my face the whole time, redoing the project in HIS image.<br /><br />The next day at the science fair, when the judges came to my “perfect” project, I said…nothing. They asked me questions. I remained silent. They prodded me some more, but I remained silent. Finally, writing on their pads, they moved on.<br /><br />One of my teachers called my parents that night to find out what in the heck was wrong.<br /><br />My dad, furious we had done all that work and then I hadn’t presented it properly, demanded to know why I said nothing. Fearfully, I answered, “Because it wasn’t mine.” I honestly don’t remember what he said after that, but this was the atmosphere during all my “growing-up” years. <br /><br />Two things came from that experience: one really good, and one really bad.<br /><br />The really good part was I became highly motivated to prove to him I wasn’t “stupid” (as he constantly called me). That gave me self-motivation and a drive to work very, very hard. <br /><br />The really bad part was I found it hard to forgive myself the realities of a learning curve (i.e., it takes time to master things). I was hard on myself when I couldn’t do well quickly.<br /><br />What does this have to do with shooting pool? It has been magnificent therapy.<br /><br />After the breaking of the cue stick, I struggled to remove my emotions and accept the learning curve and the reality even pros miss sometimes. I learned my mind had to be clear of self-recrimination in order for my body and brain to work on the strokes. I learned I could have fun while not being perfect (something my dad never learned in his life).<br /><br />I also got this lesson from learning how to sail: doing my job (steering) and working with a team (the boat’s crew).<br /><br />This is one reason hobbies are so important: they help you learn life lessons in a safer environment.<br /><br />I am grateful for all the friends and teachers who have helped me appreciate life more and enjoy myself in a deeper way.<br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/101215_blog_2.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="400" /><br />Staff2015-10-12T21:06:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/706679866305247236.html2015-10-09T20:58:00Z2015-10-09T20:58:00Z<p><em><br />Mother Nature has the best box of crayons.</em><br /><br />-Unknown</p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/100915_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="649" /></p>Staff2015-10-09T20:58:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/498072419708114411.html2015-10-07T18:30:00Z2015-10-07T18:30:00Z<br /><br />Your kids never stop needing you... <br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_100715.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-10-07T18:30:00ZTexting as an ObsessionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Texting-as-an-Obsession/-250897452341736112.html2015-10-05T17:42:00Z2015-10-05T17:42:00Z<em>(originally published August 30, 2010)<br /></em><br /><br />I remember when people wrote long, heartfelt letters in longhand. Then came the typewriter, which helped us lose the beauty of the handwritten word with lovely penmanship. Then the telephone came along, where early "party lines" enabled snoopy neighbors to overhear your spoken sentiments. After that, we had the fax machine which cut out the middleman in quick delivery. Then emails quickly took control – you could write and write and get an almost instant response. No waiting in anticipation at your mailbox for weeks hoping for that personal connection you started and which you hoped would be closed with a return missive.<br /><br />And now we have devolved even more into text messaging. Now, don't get me wrong – I text message about five times each day, on average. I do it for a quick alert – it's better than hawks or carrier pigeons. As far as interpersonal <em>intimacy</em> is concerned, however, there is none, except for “sexting,” which is anything <em>but</em> cherished intimacy.<br /><br />A survey on the website mashable.com highlighted this ever-diminishing level of interest in true personal contact and showed:<br /><br /><strong>For people under the age of 25:</strong><br /><br /> 49% think it’s perfectly okay to text while eating<br /> 24%….while using the toilet<br /> 10%…while having sex [not to be confused with real sexual intimacy]<br /><br /><strong>For people over the age of 25:</strong><br /><br /> 27% think it’s okay to text while eating<br /> 12%…while using the toilet<br /> 6% …while having sex.<br /><br />This brings multi-tasking to a new low.<br /><br />I realize the younger generation believes valuing certain things like privacy and modesty is “old fashioned,” and these sorts of compulsive texting practices are harmless and they don’t see themselves as rude, inconsiderate or clueless, but when they turn 40 and have children, it’s amazing how many of them finally see the negativity in diminishing true intimacy and needing incessant and relatively meaningless interaction just for the sake of thinking they’re important, or because they don’t want a moment of “boredom,” or because they’re just making a frantic attempt to distract themselves from life’s responsibilities, obligations, challenges and fears.<br /><br />Not being able to concentrate fully on <em>one</em> task, <em>one</em> in-depth interaction/conversation, not seeing important life experiences as serious and sacred is a <strong>problem</strong>.<br /><br />Parents with minor children have a responsibility to help children curb their out-of-control impulses, whatever they are. Make sure you have a contract with your phone provider that allows for up to 10-15 texts per day instead of the average of 100 texts per day kids are doing now. Have them pick and choose what is most important to them to use up those precious texts. Have them learn something about prioritizing and budgeting and making choices using some deep thought.<br /><br />Parents, this is YOUR JOB: to teach your children to moderate behavior in appropriate ways, or else you turn out-of-control children into out-of-control adults, for whom a million texts will be the way they measure their worth and their daily happiness.<br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/100515_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br />Staff2015-10-05T17:42:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/639068537003512643.html2015-10-02T23:28:00Z2015-10-02T23:28:00Z<p><em>Your talent determines <br />what you can do. <br />Your motivation determines <br />how much you are willing to do. <br />Your attitude determines <br />how well you do it.</em><br /><br />-Lou Holtz</p>
<p><span>American football player, coach, and analyst. </span></p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/100215_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="400" /></p>Staff2015-10-02T23:28:00ZHow to Stop Being a Procrastination ProStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Stop-Being-a-Procrastination-Pro/377513744950756816.html2015-10-01T07:01:00Z2015-10-01T07:01:00Z<br /><br />Procrastination is a big problem which causes you to waste your life and opportunities. I think there are a lot of people who are always going to be procrastinators, just like anything else. Why? Because not everyone is willing to make the effort. <br /><br />In order to change, you have to take risks and feel uncomfortable. Many people don't want to do either. I'm sure you've heard callers a million times on my show who say they've been going to therapy for 15, 20, and 25 years, but it hasn't helped. Unless you are willing to take risks and be uncomfortable, you are wasting your time and money in therapy. <br /><br />So, for those of you who <em>are</em> willing to take risks and be uncomfortable, I have some helpful tips to stop procrastinating:<br /><br /><strong>Create your own workspace</strong><br /><br />Whether it's the corner of the room, garage, basement, attic, or closet, convert a space into a small workspace. Have your very own special environment that makes you feel relaxed. <br /><br /><strong>Clean and organize your workspace</strong><br /><br />The day before I start any big project, I completely clean and organize my workspace. That makes the space look inviting and comfortable, and transforms whatever I have to do into something easier to confront. Make this a ritual. Throughout human history, rituals have helped us face things, whether it's applying war paint or straightening up your area. <br /><br /><strong>Break it up into smaller steps </strong><br /><br />Sometimes when you have to get something done, it may seem like climbing a humongous, overwhelming mountain. Take it one step at a time. Try to divide your task up into about 10 smaller steps. Then do 1-3 in one sitting, 4-6 in another, etc. Doing things in smaller steps is not procrastination; it's making a strategy that you have created yourself. <br /><br /><strong>Set a specific timeline</strong> <br /><br />By Thursday, you need to have ____ done. By Saturday, you must have ____ done. Etc. <br /><br /><strong>Eliminate distractions</strong><br /><br />Don't text or email while you're trying to focus. Don't punctuate your work with all of those little detours. <br /><br /><strong>Look to your friends </strong><br /><br />Being around go-getters and hard workers is very inspiring. Maybe your buddy can do something with you, such as walks, squats, or push-ups. Even if you don't have the same goals, you can always check in with each other and hold each other accountable. <br /><br /><strong>Talk to someone who has done it before</strong><br /><br />Before you start anything new, it's good to speak with somebody who has done it before. Ask them what it was like. Oftentimes, something that was initially scary will now seem doable. <br /><br />Just do it<br /><br />Overcomplicating or overanalyzing something to death is a common escape. It doesn't have to be perfect - just do it.<br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/blog_100115.jpg" alt="" /><br /><br />Staff2015-10-01T07:01:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-568474105100475703.html2015-09-30T16:16:00Z2015-09-30T16:16:00Z<br /><br />Attitude is everything...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_093015.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-09-30T16:16:00ZDisregard for Hands-On ParentingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Disregard-for-Hands-On-Parenting/-839338691417967578.html2015-09-28T22:59:00Z2015-09-28T22:59:00Z<em>(originally published July 21, 2010)<br /></em><br /><br />There appears to be a growing disregard for actual eyeball-to-eyeball hands-on parenting.<br /><br />Christine, a new stay-at-home parent to a two-month-old daughter, emailed me immediately when she saw an article from <em>Parenting</em> magazine by Melissa Balmain posted on CNN.com about the deaths of infants <strong><em>forgotten</em></strong> in cars. I read the article and share her disgust.<br /><br />The main story is about two people, married, with a comfortable house in Virginia, and two well-paying full-time jobs. On top of that, they decided to adopt two babies from Guatemala. According to this report, <em>"..the end of August and start of September, 2007 had been stressful. Twenty-three-month old Juan and his four-year-old brother had been sick on and off. The mother’s days and been blurs of work, day care, doctors, business trips, visits with relatives and anxiety."</em><br /><br />The story then goes on that the older boy was home with the dad and the mother was supposed to drop an ill younger child off in day care. She went to work, had a “normal day,” talked with her supervisor, ate lunch at her desk, drove to the supermarket and shopped for dinner and continued on to the day care center to pick the younger boy up. <br />That’s when the child was found dead in the back seat, having literally cooked to death in the heat of the locked car. <br /><br />Now, I don't have sympathy for the parents. I just don’t. I don’t agree with the article that whitewashes these incidents by saying it is normal to forget things when you’re in your habit rhythm – a lapse in memory that you’re a parent only occurs when being a parent is an accessory rather than the main deal. Let’s look at her stressful month of September: <strong>business trips, day care, work, visits with relatives and anxiety.</strong> How many of those factors would have been eliminated if she was a stay-at-home mom? Answer: <strong>ALL OF THEM</strong>, and the child would likely be alive.<br /><br />I wonder if it is accidental that all the stories I’ve read about babies cooking to death in the back of their parents’ car are the result of parents forgetting to drop them off at day care on the way to work. Fobbing off one’s sacred responsibility of child-rearing and protecting to hired help tends to make one not have focus on that child. Just sayin’.<br /><br />The article talks about the “reptilian” or most ancient part of the brain which directs our habits, and habits dominate over short-term plans which are ordered by the more advanced brain regions. If that <em>excuse</em> is so, then parents should put their reptilian brain into parenting and not business trips, work, and day care drops and pick ups.<br /><br />The article ends up giving suggestions so <strong><em>you</em></strong> won’t forget your kid to die in your back seat while you are busy with what is more important.<br /><br />1.<em> Put something that really matters to you – like your cell phone – in the back seat with the child.</em> Do you realize that means that your cell phone is more important than your child?<br />2.<em> Keep a teddy bear in the baby car seat. When you put your kid in the seat, put the teddy in front, so you’ll see it and remember you have a child. </em> After all, you’re a “busy employee.”<br />3. <em>Ask your child’s child-care provider to call you on your cell phone if your kid doesn’t get there. </em> Oh, so now the day care, minimum-wage worker is more responsible for your kid than you are?<br />4. <em> Put visual cues in your office and home reminding you to check the car seat.</em> Gee, I thought parental love and bonding did that. Guess not.<br /><br />My bottom line? <strong>Don’t have ‘em if you won’t raise ‘em.</strong><br /><br />If I were in charge of adoptions, no one without a spouse at home would be allowed to adopt a child. Children are not accessories. They should be the main deal. <br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/092815_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="449" /><br />Staff2015-09-28T22:59:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-107378783667691408.html2015-09-25T16:19:00Z2015-09-25T16:19:00Z<br /><em>The attitude you have as a parent is what your kids</em><br /><em>will learn from, more than what you tell them. </em><br /><em>They don't remember what you try to teach them. </em><br /><em>They remember what you are.</em>
<p>-Jim Henson</p>
<p><span>American puppeteer, artist, cartoonist, inventor, screenwriter, actor, director, and producer. </span></p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/092515_quote.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2015-09-25T16:19:00ZHow to Affair-Proof Your MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Affair-Proof-Your-Marriage/-321750516164746668.html2015-09-24T07:01:00Z2015-09-24T07:01:00Z<em><br /></em><br /><br />What can you do to avoid having your spouse cheat on you, or you feel the need to cheat on them? Here are five simple strategies:<br /><ol>
<li><strong>Marry somebody of high character.</strong></li>
<br />
<li><strong>Know somebody for about two years before you marry. </strong>You can't discern if someone has high character unless you actually <em>know</em> them. Get to know their family, friends, business associates, and activities. Learn how they handle certain situations. Only then will you know if you've met a real gentleman or lady. </li>
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<li><strong>Wait until you're close to 30 to get married.</strong> Your level of maturity increases <em>a lot</em> during your 20s. </li>
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<li><strong>Stay clear of any opportunities. </strong>Opportunities present themselves all the time, so do what Billy Graham did. Don't be alone with a member of the opposite sex, and you won't be tempted. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Don't give your spouse a reason to feel a need.</strong> One of the things I talk about in my book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060520620/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0060520620&linkCode=as2&tag=wwwdrlauracom-20&linkId=5AWR3PAVKGV2KTFV" target="_blank">The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands</a>, is that a large percentage of the time, guys who cheat just want attention and affection. Compared to women, men are very uncomplicated. Unless he has low character, a guy is not going to be hungry if he's getting love, attention and affection.</li>
</ol><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/blog_092415.jpg" alt="" /><br />Staff2015-09-24T07:01:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-679941034535445234.html2015-09-23T20:58:00Z2015-09-23T20:58:00Z<br /><br />Date out of decision, not desperation... <br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_092315.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-09-23T20:58:00ZPleasant SurprisesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Pleasant-Surprises/139283680865853680.html2015-09-21T21:29:00Z2015-09-21T21:29:00Z<em>(originally published July 22, 2010)<br /></em><br /><br />A few weekends ago, my husband and I rode our motorcycles out for lunch, something we do regularly. As we were preparing to leave for a post-lunch ride, a woman pulled up in her car to ask me about my (I'll admit it) beautiful motorcycle. The overall mural on the bike is gorgeous: a free-flowing, hand-painted, artistically brilliant representation, combining Hell's Angels and patriotic themes.<br /><br />We engaged in conversation, and she commented that, at 83, she didn't think she could get into motorcycles. I suggested a trike. Anyway, she told me she’d been a journalist and had interviewed a motorcycle gang quite a few years ago, and offered to send me the text. When I gave her my contact information, she slooowllly looked up at me, and practically sneered my name: "YOU are Dr. Laura?" I said: "Yup." She immediately said, "I don't agree with most of what you have to say." I responded: "See my husband over there? He doesn’t agree with everything I have to say either...but he still loves me."<br /><br />She looked at him, then looked at me, and a smile crept onto her face.<br /><br />She sent me her article. I invited her to dinner. She accepted, and wrote back that most everyone who knew her would be shocked to learn we might become friends. She came to dinner, and the first thing out of her mouth was to tell me she'd walked out of a talk I’d given a few years back. I said nothing in response. She then said (and this was even before bread and salad!) I seemed so different in person and so mean otherwise. Again, I said nothing in response. I did, however, pass the margarine.<br /><br />I'm convinced too much of the time it has become more natural to dislike the person whose message is counter to your preference than it is to simply agree to disagree, or congenially debate without hate. However, hate has become the current means of dealing with differences of opinion.<br /><br />I give her lots of props, because she decided to go past the knee-jerk reaction of "shooting the messenger" to form her own opinion.<br /><br />It was a pleasant evening after that. She's a world traveler and has met some of the most incredible people (good and bad) in history. Her stories were fascinating. After two hours, she left with an invitation to dinner at her home. I'm looking forward to it. <br /><br />I don't agree with most of what she supports either, but she is an open, charming, delightful woman, and I do hope we can become friends. If we limit our interactions to the "choir," life becomes quite dull.<br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/092115_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="449" /><br />Staff2015-09-21T21:29:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-13397761897119823.html2015-09-19T00:03:00Z2015-09-19T00:03:00Z<p><em><br />Challenges are what make life interesting, and <br />overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.</em><br /><br />- Joshua J. Marine <br />Author </p>
<p> </p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/091815_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="400" /></p>Staff2015-09-19T00:03:00ZAre You Ready to Have a Baby?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Are-You-Ready-to-Have-a-Baby/-694886013421761757.html2015-09-17T07:01:00Z2015-09-17T07:01:00Z<br />Here are some of the signs that you're ready to have a baby:<br /><br /><strong>You have a stable, happy marriage</strong> <br />Being married isn't enough - it has to be a good marriage. You and your spouse need to be able to resolve things and not always be arguing. You must actually like each other and enjoy each other's company. <br /><br /><strong>You and your spouse both agree on having a baby</strong><br />A child needs two parents who want him/her. If one of you isn't enthusiastic, that person probably isn't going to be very helpful.<br /><br /><strong>You are willing to make huge sacrifices</strong><br />Forget sleeping in on the weekends - your lifestyle will change dramatically. You will be infinitely more of a homebody. Kids have to be the number one priority for a while. You both have to be willing to make sacrifices without acting pouty or feeling put upon. <br /><br /><strong>You are willing to be a stay-at-home mother</strong><br />In my opinion, if you're not willing to be a stay-at-home mom, you're not ready to have a baby. Babies need mothers. They don't need day cares, nannies, and babysitters. In preparation, you and your spouse should live off one income for a year, put the other income in the bank, and see how you do. <br /><br /><strong>You are financially equipped </strong><br />If you are in debt, barely surviving from month to month, or can't afford health insurance, baby clothes, formula, and diapers, then you shouldn't have a baby. <br /><br /><strong>Every time you look at a baby, you want one</strong> <br />This goes without explanation. <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/blog_091715.jpg" alt="" width="717" height="500" /><br /><br />Staff2015-09-17T07:01:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-288166879705260015.html2015-09-17T00:02:00Z2015-09-17T00:02:00Z<br /><br />Some things are beyond your power and control... <br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_091615.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-09-17T00:02:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-706487452766064125.html2015-09-11T21:57:00Z2015-09-11T21:57:00Z<br />
<p><em>On that terrible day, a nation became a neighborhood. <br />All Americans became New Yorkers.</em><br /><br />- Governor George Pataki </p>
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<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/091115_quote.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="605" /></p>Staff2015-09-11T21:57:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-445163379979344549.html2015-09-10T19:07:00Z2015-09-10T19:07:00Z<br /><br />Are you afraid of what's to come? The good news is, you can do something about it...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_091015.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-09-10T19:07:00ZTalking Face-to-Face Is Becoming a Lost ArtStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Talking-Face-to-Face-Is-Becoming-a-Lost-Art/917668599438980693.html2015-09-08T12:09:00Z2015-09-08T12:09:00Z<em>(originally published July 26, 2010)<br /></em><br /><br />I have never understood cafes which actually cater to the “I don’t want to talk to anyone” types who hog tables and chairs for hours while they play with their laptops or Kindles or cell phones or iPads. I guess some café owners permit this (and even offer free use of computers) in order to get business. Yeah…business. One group of people sitting for hours can’t possibly bring in more revenue than a constant flow of sippers and munchers who stay for short periods of time.<br /><br />When I walk into a café and see these hulks buried in cyberspace, I usually turn and leave.<br /><br />One day, my husband and I took a motorcycle ride and decided to stop in Arroyo Grande, California for breakfast. The area had a small “old town” feel to it, with roosters walking in the street. We went into the café and everyone was talking! Whenever someone new walked in, it was “Hi” all around. Nice.<br /><br />Walking around the streets of most cities, you’ll often see people on cell phones, texting or talking to themselves (otherwise known as talking through their “Look Ma, no hands” Bluetooth devices). <br /><br />It’s not nice to not interact.<br /><br />Café Grumpy, in New York’s Chelsea neighborhood, banned laptops and cell phones. Besides the smell of coffee, the sound of people actually talking to each other fills the air. In the late afternoons, people are writing on paper, reading print newspapers, and lingering over books in a corner. The owner makes the rounds, talking to these solo patrons. Person to person contact is made.<br /><br />Humanity is resurrected…resistance is futile.<br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/090715_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br />Staff2015-09-08T12:09:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-240858752811610464.html2015-09-04T07:00:00Z2015-09-04T07:00:00Z<br />
<p><em>There's the holiday, and then there's labor day: <br /> </em></p>
<ul>
<em>
<li><em>when a woman becomes a mother. </em></li>
<li><em>when the pain you're feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming.</em></li>
<li><em>when their first breath takes your breath away. </em></li>
</em>
</ul>
<em> </em>- Unknown
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/090415b_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="400" /></p>Staff2015-09-04T07:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/507068105798482076.html2015-09-02T07:00:00Z2015-09-02T07:00:00Z<br /><br />Here's the secret to influencing your children...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_090215.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-09-02T07:00:00ZPity Stupidity, But Hate EvilStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Pity-Stupidity,-But-Hate-Evil/207761976818415441.html2015-08-31T07:00:00Z2015-08-31T07:00:00Z<em>(originally published June 30, 2010)<br /></em><br /><br />I received an email recently in which a listener asked: <em>"Dr. Laura...I don't get it. People call and tell you that they have a relative who is bigoted about something or someone, and your answers seem to differ between letting them be and taking them on. What's the story with that?"</em><br /><br />Great question. The callers who tell me they know a relative or friend is hostile, bigoted, or opinionated about something always get the following question from me: <em>"Tell me...do they act out on it? Do they proclaim it in public and insult or hurt people because of it?"</em><br /><br />If the answer is "yes," then that person is to be shunned and, perhaps, hated. I don't have any positive things to say about Mexican drug dealers who murder innocent people on both sides of the border for power and money. I <em>hate</em> them for the human pain and misery they directly cause. People who decide to take the drugs are just stupid, and they're on their own. I don't blame the drug dealers for someone else's poor judgment.<br /><br />If the answer is "no," that person should be commended for having a strong opinion but <strong>never hurting anyone in any form because of it.</strong> I don't hate people with stupid opinions or ideas. I just think they're....kinda stupid, that's all.<br /><br />Most people have opinions about other groups of people, both positive and/or negative. So what?...as long as they don't act out on those sentiments in ways that bring sorrow, hurt and pain to others.<br /><br />My point is that it is in the <em>actions</em> of a person that we grade them, not their <em>thoughts</em>. I do <em>hate</em> those who kill their children on purpose and then blame it on their "enemy" in order to gain sympathy around the world.<br /><br />In a nutshell: pity stupidity...hate evil. If you treat them both the same, <em>you</em> border on evil as well. <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/083115_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br />Staff2015-08-31T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/297281917667063725.html2015-08-28T19:57:00Z2015-08-28T19:57:00Z<br />
<p><em>Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes...including you. </em><br /><br />Anne Lamott<br />American novelist</p>
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<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/082815_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></p>Staff2015-08-28T19:57:00Z5 Social Media Rules for Married CouplesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Social-Media-Rules-for-Married-Couples/-761977447292753956.html2015-08-27T07:01:00Z2015-08-27T07:01:00Z<br /><br />If you're married and on social media, I have five simple rules for you:<br /><br /><strong>1. No secrets</strong> <br />If something requires an ID and a password, it should be on a sticky note right on the computer. If you're married and your spouse has a secret passcode, I suggest you pack your bags. Nobody hides anything good unless it's a birthday party. We don't hide good things - we hide what we are ashamed of and know we shouldn't be doing. <br /><br /><strong>2. Make rules together </strong><br />Sit down and talk about how much time you expect each other to spend on social media, what kind of material goes up, etc. Then honor the rules. <br /><br /><strong>3. No exes <br /></strong>No exes means nobody you've had thrills with or daydreams about. If you get a message from someone in your past, delete and block them and tell your spouse about it. <br /><br /><strong>4. No more than an hour a day</strong><br />My recommendation is spending a maximum of one hour a day on social media. If you want to divide it up and do a little here and there, that's fine as long as you don't exceed the 60 minute limit. If you're spending more than an hour a day on Facebook, get your life back! That's not life; that's Fantasyland. Couple time should always trump FaceTime. <br /><br /><strong>5. No negativity</strong> <br />Don't post anything negative about your spouse - ever! Don't discuss your spouse's negative traits or personal problems. Never say anything you wouldn't want skywritten. Don't let your online world take precedence over your real life. Besides, what on Facebook is so important that you would want to hurt the one to whom you made vows?<br /> <br /><img src="/images/blog/082715_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br />Staff2015-08-27T07:01:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-657780112523982306.html2015-08-26T07:00:00Z2015-08-26T07:00:00Z<br /><br />Gratitude is a powerful emotion.<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_082615.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-08-26T07:00:00Z'Fess Up If You Mess UpStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Fess-Up-If-You-Mess-Up/42088196113630562.html2015-08-24T15:20:00Z2015-08-24T15:20:00Z<em>(originally published June 24, 2010)<br /></em><br /><br />Boy, oh boy, do I have to arm wrestle, pull teeth and stamp my feet sometimes to get callers to simply admit to "my bad." You know, the individual desire to never look or be wrong or bad so that people won't punish you and/or will like you leads people to walk straight into retribution and dislike. <br /><br />The absolutely best thing to do when you've done wrong is to accept and admit responsibility. Nothing makes others precipitously drop their rage than the sight and sound of someone owning up to his or her wrongdoing. After a certain amount of shock and disbelief, people will look at you with some awe, because taking responsibility and demonstrating remorse, and being willing to repair whatever damage has been caused is the most compassionate way to handle having hurt or disappointed someone.<br /><br />Yes, you might have to deal with repercussions, but just think back to some of the old movies where people finally confess, because they simply can't stand the burden on their hearts and souls. It's true - it takes a lot of energy to hide and pretend. It's a relief to everyone if you just say: "Yeah, I did it....sorry. Here's how I would like to fix this situation and make it better.<br /><br />"So, the very next time you "mess up," just "'fess up" and see how much better you and the hurt party feel and get along.<br />Staff2015-08-24T15:20:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/860956876561885958.html2015-08-21T00:13:00Z2015-08-21T00:13:00Z<br />
<p><em>Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don't. </em><br /><br />Bill Nye "the Science Guy"<br />American science educator, comedian, television host, actor, writer, scientist, and former mechanical engineer.</p>
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<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/082115_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="467" /></p>Staff2015-08-21T00:13:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/131263376835061207.html2015-08-19T07:00:00Z2015-08-19T07:00:00Z<br /><br />There is a process when going through a breakup...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_081915.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-08-19T07:00:00ZWhat It Means to Be a True FriendStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-It-Means-to-Be-a-True-Friend/-698180774873509750.html2015-08-17T07:00:00Z2015-08-17T07:00:00Z<em>(originally published June 21, 2010)<br /></em><br /><br />Two of the aspects of human behavior that cement friendships (which <em><strong>are</strong></em> important for emotional well-being) are sensitivity and compassion. I had a recent experience with a friend that is so illustrative of those qualities that I wanted to share it with you.<br /><br />I had an upsetting change in my life lately - not earth-shattering, but upsetting all the same. I shared it with my friend who was (I thought) sufficiently responsive to the situation. She called later that evening and told me she owed me an apology! For the life of me, I couldn't imagine what she'd done that required an apology. She went on to say she knew this "change" was sad for me, and she regretted she hadn't been more responsive. She explained she was driving and distracted, and felt she gave it "short shrift." She then went on to give me some very thoughtful and supportive feedback concerning my situation.<br /><br />I teared up. Truthfully, I was satisfied with her first response. But I was blown away by her concern for my feelings and her sense of responsibility as a dear friend to pay more attention to administering support and understanding. THAT IS A GREAT FRIEND!<br /><br />One time at breakfast, she mentioned at some point she would probably do or say something that annoyed me. I laughed, and said, <em>"You already have!"</em> We laughed together. I went on to say, <em>"You are such a special person and friend that annoyances don't even matter."</em><br /><br />Everyone has quirks. But when someone takes the time - when <strong><em>you</em></strong> take the time - to consider what your friend may need, and do your best to supply what a friend can, you probably have a special place in heaven with your name on it.<br /><br />If not, you have a special place in the heart of the person who calls you...<strong><em>friend</em></strong>. <br />Staff2015-08-17T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/607499070920833822.html2015-08-14T07:00:00Z2015-08-14T07:00:00Z<br />
<p><em>Tell me and I forget. </em><br /><em>Teach me and I remember. </em><br /><em>Involve me and I learn. </em><br /><br />Ben Franklin<br />A Founding Father of the United States<br />1705 - 1790</p>
<p> </p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/081415_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="467" /></p>Staff2015-08-14T07:00:00ZSecrets for Staying in LoveStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Secrets-for-Staying-in-Love/172700474831436286.html2015-08-13T07:01:00Z2015-08-13T07:01:00Z<br /><br />Falling in love is easy. Staying in love requires commitment. When couples say they've "grown apart," it means one or both people have stopped caring and putting in the effort. If you're married, this amounts to a total breach of your vows. <br /><br />Here are my tips for keeping the love alive:<br /><br /><strong>Value the other person. <br /></strong>When you value someone, you don't hurt them. You don't take them for granted. You are not careless with their feelings. You find ways <em>every day</em> to let them know that you care. <br /><br /><strong>Listen.<br /></strong>Everybody has hopes and dreams. Everyone gets hurt and scared. Shut up and listen. Don't try to make their feelings go away or tell them how they're wrong. Just listen and hug them. Ask, "Is there anything you'd like me to do?" (which is different from, "Is there anything I can do?"). <br /><br /><strong>Apologize and forgive.</strong> <br />Whether it's intentional or by accident, you're going to slip up. You need to apologize. Say, "I hurt your feelings by ______, and I realize how bad, wrong, and hurtful it was. I regret it. I'm sorry. I won't do it again." Keep it short and simple, and then live up to your word. By the same token, you also need to forgive. Don't keep bringing something up years later - that's cruel. <br /><br /><strong>Have a sense of humor.<br /></strong>Laughing releases feel-good hormones in the brain and reduces stress. Watch comedies together. Tell each other jokes. Being able to laugh about stupid stuff makes life's nastiness fade away. <br /><br /><strong>Be kind.<br /></strong>Don't make it difficult for someone to be around you. When you feel comfortable together, you're not going to lose each other. <br /><br /><strong>Flirt.</strong> <br />Treat your spouse like you did when you were dating. Flirting says you're still crazy about them. <br /><br /><strong>Defend your relationship.<br /></strong>Don't behave in a way which causes mistrust (e.g. addictions, lying, sneaking, misplaced priorities, etc.). <br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/081315_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br />Staff2015-08-13T07:01:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/968215969904787545.html2015-08-12T07:00:00Z2015-08-12T07:00:00Z<br /><br />Children are not accessories...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_081215.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-08-12T07:00:00ZA Man with a VisionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-Man-with-a-Vision/473401399265532910.html2015-08-10T07:00:00Z2015-08-10T07:00:00Z<em>(originally published June 17, 2010)<br /></em><br /><br />I want to tell you about an extraordinary man's vision and commitment. In this case, "vision" is figurative, because he is, quite literally, blind.<br /><br />Urban Miyares is a Vietnam veteran. At the end of a particularly horrendous firefight, he was mistakenly put into a body bag for dead. Two days later, when the bags were opened to do identifications, a medic assistant noticed that he was not dead. His injuries were severe, and he is now blind, but he didn't miss a beat to stay involved in life. He has started and operated many businesses and has always used his talents. He didn't "quit" on life.<br /><br />Urban is the founder and director of <em>Challenged America</em> (<a href="http://www.challengedamerica.org" target="_blank">www.challengedamerica.org</a>), whose mission is to introduce sailing as a therapeutic and rehabilitative-enhancing activity to individuals with disabilities. That sounds very nice, but what put me "over the top" was his firm commitment to working only with people who are committed to being involved in work and life. If they aren't working or in work training, he won't take them into the program. He told me that the folks who just get disability and sit around are directed toward regular sailing schools. He works hard with people who are equally committed to working hard.<br /><br />That sounds more than nice. It is brilliant. Never be more committed to helping someone than they are committed to helping themselves! When Urban made those pronouncements, I was all aboard with ferocious enthusiasm, as I share that philosophy and that's why I chide so many parents and other family members for trying harder than the one they're helping. Continual rescues only serve to let the person they're "helping" continue on his or her destructive path, and to assuage any feelings of guilt on the part of the helper by keeping the other afloat when that person is not even <em>trying</em> to tread water.<br /><br />I participated in a wonderful dinner (where I was the keynote speaker), silent auction, and regatta in support of <em>Challenged America</em>. I was very proud to be part of all those events to benefit such a worthy operation. Check them out at <a href="http://www.challengedamerica.org" target="_blank">www.challengedamerica.org</a>. <br />Staff2015-08-10T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/558630414408720996.html2015-08-07T07:00:00Z2015-08-07T07:00:00Z<br />
<p><em>Mothers with little boys work from son up till son down!</em></p>
<p>- Unknown</p>
<p> </p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/080715_quote.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2015-08-07T07:00:00Z3 Types of Toxic Coworkers - and How to Deal with ThemStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/3-Types-of-Toxic-Coworkers---and-How-to-Deal-with-Them/950852851770850973.html2015-08-06T07:00:00Z2015-08-06T07:00:00Z<br /><br />Are you dealing with a seriously annoying or toxic person at work? Here's what you can do. <br /><br /><strong>The constant complainer</strong> <br />If they're not mumbling something bad about the company, then they're mumbling something bad about their own lives. Some of you will want to show sympathy. Others of you will want to chime in and do some bitching of your own. However, both are bad ideas. Don't show sympathy and don't chime in. Avoid complainers. If you can't totally avoid them, then just be friendly and cordial, but don't allow the conversation to go anywhere else. <br /><br /><strong>The best friend</strong><br />You haven't even put your stuff down on your new desk when they try to be your BFF. Be careful! Friendships grow slowly. Also, it's generally very tough to keep the balance between the professional and the personal because when you get personal, expectations develop in the realm of the professional. Either you or the other person thinks you should receive perks or get cut some slack because you're buddies. If someone is trying to suck you up into their personal life, limit outside of work activities or make sure you invite everyone in the company. <br /><br /><strong>The office bully</strong> <br />They act in a threatening manner and make you dread going to work. If you can't avoid them and it's really dragging you down, you have two options. You can quit, or you can write a very detailed report with dates, names, and times. Document how this person's activities have undermined the business, and then report it to human resources or your supervisor. Make sure you emphasize how the bully's behavior is reducing productivity and ultimately, costing the company money. <br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/080615_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br />Staff2015-08-06T07:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/401611934649894319.html2015-08-05T07:00:00Z2015-08-05T07:00:00Z<br /><br />Are you feeling weighted down?<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_080515.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-08-05T07:00:00ZWhen You're Bored, You're BoringStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-Youre-Bored,-Youre-Boring/615985181496472893.html2015-08-03T07:00:00Z2015-08-03T07:00:00Z<em>(originally published June 14, 2010)<br /></em><br /><br />Quite a few calls to my radio program involve people who are dealing with the problem of being bored, and as many of you have heard me say many times - people who are <em>bored</em> are usually <em>boring</em>. Either you can choose to be like a cork in the ocean, waiting for a wave or swell to elevate your mood <strong>or</strong> you can be pro-active and/or philosophical.<br /><br />Pro-active means that you actually take control of your existence and <strong>do</strong> something which engages you, is generous, works up your sweat, adrenaline, and endorphins, or which challenges you to be inventive, creative and operating outside of the box.<br /><br />Philosophical means that you reframe your perspective. For example, a nurse called to complain that she seems to get a higher percentage of the most difficult patients than others on the nursing staff. She felt put upon. I suggested that this was because she was the most competent to deal with such patients, but she countered with, <em>"Well, I'm getting burned out."</em> I then suggested that she make sure that she freshens up her brain and body with fun times, exercise, and friends.<br /><br />A number of women who have exactly what they wanted in live (a husband, a home, children, and the freedom to be at home) have called to say they are overwhelmed and under motivated. From a philosophical standpoint, motivation is more of a pop psych requirement of correct behavior than a true necessity. For example, how do you motivate yourself to go into combat or a burning building in order to rescue people, or into surgery when you know there's only a minimal chance of survival for the patient, but the procedure is their last, best hope?<br /><br />We do what we must do/should do, because we have accepted that responsibility. If everyone in a position of responsibility waited to "feeeeel" motivated, nothing would ever get done! <br /><br />I tell these women that if they <strong>behaved</strong> as though they were motivated, they would simply enjoy their lives more. Waiting around for a trigger is passive and useless. <br /><br />From a pro-active standpoint, that means getting friends, hobbies and creating physical challenges, as well as acting like the kind of woman <em>they</em> would want to come home to. If they do that, their husbands would come screeching through the door with enthusiasm.<br /><br />So, if you're bored, you're being boring. Get philosophical. Get pro-active. Don't wait for a feeling - create a better mini-universe without whining, complaining, or feeling sorry for yourself. <br /><br />Remember the days of washboards and manual television controls? No? Too bad. You would then have the other "P" word: <strong><em>perspective</em></strong>.<br /><br />Staff2015-08-03T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-243608519249384887.html2015-07-31T07:00:00Z2015-07-31T07:00:00Z<br />
<p><em>It is surprising what a man can do when he has to, and how little most men will do when they don't have to.</em></p>
<p>Walter Linn</p>
<p> </p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/073115_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="400" /></p>Staff2015-07-31T07:00:00ZHow to Stop Missing Your ExStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Stop-Missing-Your-Ex/-793988054281527032.html2015-07-30T07:01:00Z2015-07-30T07:01:00Z<br /><br />Congratulations! You showed some good sense and broke up with someone who wasn't good for you. Now comes the hard part - how do you stop missing them? How do you keep yourself from going back? Here are eight tips to get you through this tough time: <br /><br /><strong>Be patient </strong><br />You're not going to feel better overnight. There's always an adjustment period. You have to take time, and during that time, you need to remember why you broke up. Be patient with your loneliness and need for companionship. People who are willing to endure those unpleasant feelings survive and do better in their lives. Those who don't, continue to screw up their lives. Ultimately, it's up to you. <br /><br /><strong>Work through your self-doubt</strong><br />When you break up, you may start doubting or blaming yourself. One of the reasons you do this is because if you blame yourself, you think you have the power to fix the relationship. That's why it's really helpful to talk to somebody reasonable, explain the reasons why you broke up, and ask if it's actually your fault. <br /><br /><strong>Find the silver lining </strong><br />Now you're available to get healthy and be with somebody healthy. Your whole life is not going to be off track anymore. <br /><br /><strong>Remove all reminders</strong><br />Delete and block cell phone numbers and emails. Get rid of all the memorabilia. Remove them from social media. Use one big eraser so you can get on with your life.<br /><br /><strong>Fill your time</strong> <br />If you don't fill your time and distract yourself, you're just going to sit there and ferment about everything. You may even go back because they tell you things will be different. <br /><br /><strong>Get social</strong> <br />Socializing doesn't necessarily mean you start dating right away. You shouldn't date while your head is still screwed up. Just become social again. Join a team or club. Force yourself to move on. Moving on doesn't mean you don't feel feelings; it just means you get reinvested in life. <br /><br /><strong>Get physical</strong><br />It's amazing how physical activity helps with stress. It burns off nervous energy, anxiety, and negative emotions, releases endorphins, and gives you a sense of power and well-being. <br /><br /><strong>Have a support system</strong> <br />Your ex may try to play games with your head. That's why it's important to have a support system which helps you recognize it and not get caught up in it. <br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/073015_blog_1.jpg" alt="" /><br />Staff2015-07-30T07:01:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-610573605625971859.html2015-07-29T07:00:00Z2015-07-29T07:00:00Z<br /><br />Are you finding yourself tired, tired, tired?<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_072915.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-07-29T07:00:00ZHappiness Should Be SharedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Happiness-Should-Be-Shared/-185958575573631978.html2015-07-27T07:00:00Z2015-07-27T07:00:00Z<em>(originally published June 7, 2010)<br /></em><br /><br />A middle-aged woman who was getting married for the first time called my radio program, because she was upset that no one seemed to be as excited as she was.<br /><br />First of all, no one outside of the immediate participants takes the top rung in excitement. While I'm happy for my friends who have some momentous event in their lives, I can't possibly get to the level of excitement that they are experiencing, unless they are somewhat dispassionate or emotionally removed from their own lives! I can be excited and happy <em>for</em> them, but I can't be excited <em>like</em> them.<br /><br />Secondly, when she was asked to enumerate the people in her life who weren't excited, she mentioned her brother. A guy! Excited? About getting into a tux? I think not.<br /><br />When I asked about friends, she said she had none. This worries me about her marriage. People who don't have friendships tend to be loners, more self-absorbed and self-focused. They avoid vulnerability and openness, and, perhaps most importantly, they don't have much experience with sacrifice and tolerance...both qualities of a good friend.<br /><br />Frankly, friends are a necessary part of life, and there are all levels of friendships, from acquaintances with whom you can share experiences, to dear friends with whom you can share your inner world.<br /><br />One thing I know for sure: happiness is perfected when it is shared. Of course, my caller was feeling like the tree fell and no one heard it…she hadn't brought anyone into the forest with her.<br /><br />Happiness is perfected when it is shared. Sharing in joy elevates the experience. In order to have the kind of friends with whom you can share your joy, you must put yourself out, tolerate their quirks, make time, be loyal, be understanding, and just be <em>there</em>. <br />Staff2015-07-27T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/940929484776812884.html2015-07-24T07:00:00Z2015-07-24T07:00:00Z<br />
<p><em>The right way is not always the popular and easy way. Standing for right when it is unpopular is a true test of moral character. </em></p>
<p>Margaret Chase Smith<br />U.S. Representative and Senator<br />1897 - 1995 </p>
<p> </p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/072415_quote.jpg" alt="" width="465" height="600" /></p>Staff2015-07-24T07:00:00ZGrieving the Loss of a Loved OneStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Grieving-the-Loss-of-a-Loved-One/-906775055165116890.html2015-07-23T07:01:00Z2015-07-23T07:01:00Z<br /><br />Years ago on my show, I got a call from a woman who had recently lost her child. She was upset because her husband wasn't crying. Instead, he was shoveling snow in the front of the house, running errands, and doing chores. And since she was a complete wreck and he wasn't, she thought he must not care. <br /><br />I told her she couldn't be more wrong. <br /><br />We all deal with death in different ways. Crying is an important part of the grieving process for many people, but not crying doesn't mean you're a cold and calloused person. <br /><br />For example, <strong>men and women generally handle loss differently. Men, by and large, cope by doing.</strong> You don't see men sobbing on the front lines or running into burning buildings with tears streaming down their faces. They take care of business. It doesn't mean they're emotionally constipated - they are just built differently. (It's interesting to note how people say that a man needs to get in touch with his feminine side, but they don't tell a woman to get in touch with her masculine side). <br /><br /><strong>Another reason you might not cry is that you weren't close to the deceased person</strong>, even if they were a parent or sibling. In fact,<strong> it might even be a relief</strong>. <br /><br />For instance, if they had Alzheimer's and didn't know you anymore, then you were already grieving their loss long before they took their last breath. If you don't cry, it doesn't mean you don't care - it simply means you're exhausted. <br /><br /><strong>You may also feel relieved if they were a cruel, evil or destructive person</strong>. Although you don't want to admit it, you feel a great weight lifted because they are no longer around to cause you pain. And if you do cry, it's probably because the dream of having that person be warm and cuddly has died with them.<br /><br /><strong>The only time grieving is an issue is when you embrace it as your new identity</strong>. If you isolate yourself, stop doing regular activities, or refuse to take care of yourself, you are sinking into depression. It means the loss of that person has pulled the scaffolding out of your life and psychological work needs to be done. <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/072315_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br /><br /><br />Staff2015-07-23T07:01:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-190748722053979590.html2015-07-22T07:00:00Z2015-07-22T07:00:00Z<br /><br />Is your daughter being earned or used?<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_072215.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-07-22T07:00:00ZDon't Be a CowardStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dont-Be-a-Coward/561666678393475985.html2015-07-20T07:00:00Z2015-07-20T07:00:00Z<em>(originally published June 3, 2010)<br /></em><br /><br />I had a caller to my radio program – a 22-year-old woman – who complained to me that she was anguished over the homecoming of her mother from a vacation. It seems life is quite terrible for this woman with “Mommy dearest” around.<br /> <br />I asked her why, at 22 years old, she was still living with her mother when it was such a horrible experience. Her answer was quick and to the point: <em> “I am a coward.” </em> I gently (yes, I can be gentle!) informed her that there is a price to everything, and the price for cowardice is anguish. There’s no fix for that without moving past cowardice.<br /><br />Life situations are largely out of our control, but the decisions we make and the steps we take for responsible action are in our control. Cowardice (as my caller put it), however, is a major problem in a large number of people’s lives. That’s why you hear people argue both sides of a situation when asked why they don’t speak up, take legal action, confront, and so on. They’ll say:<em> “Yeah, I know…,” </em>and then cowardice takes over because they don’t want anyone mad, they don’t want to lose something (money, connection, etc.), and they don’t want to have the feeling of being alone. Because of cowardice, they will tolerate abuse and put others (like children and spouses) in harm’s way.<br /><br />The tell-tale signs of cowardice are the phrases<em> “Yes, I know…,”</em> and<em> “But…,” </em> and <em>“It’s not always so bad…,”</em> and <em>“But I’m not always so good either…,”</em> and <em>“Can’t they just go into therapy?,”</em> and my favorite, <em>“But what if….”</em><br /><br />You get the picture.<br /><br />Remember, ultimately, you are the architects of your own lives. Cowardice wastes your precious time on earth.<br />Staff2015-07-20T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/759213359400254308.html2015-07-17T07:00:00Z2015-07-17T07:00:00Z<br />
<p><em>Don't stop doing just because you've hit a wall. Progress is progress no matter how small.<br /></em><br />Unknown<br /><br /></p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/071715_quote.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2015-07-17T07:00:00ZAre Parents to Blame for Unhappy Kids?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Are-Parents-to-Blame-for-Unhappy-Kids/851517138946595345.html2015-07-16T07:01:00Z2015-07-16T07:01:00Z<br /><br />Parents today have gotten so caught up in straight A's, select sports teams, top-tier colleges, and even top-tier preschools that the social and emotional aspects of a child's psyche have gone completely by the wayside. <br /><br />In the day, children had the freedom to explore and play. They were allowed to take things apart and figure out how to put them back together again. Kids had downtime to be creative and develop an interest in something. Nowadays, parents overemphasize grades and athletic prowess, and practically have a heart attack when their kids want to draw, dance, or play music. <br /><br />Many kids find school boring, but they <em>do </em>have a passion for something else. Yet, their parents eliminate that passion as punishment for bad grades. It's no wonder why these kids become depressed, drink, and sneak out at night. <br /><br />As a parent, you need to help your child pursue <em>their</em> interests, not <em>yours</em>. You also need to do it with enthusiasm. Only when kids are engaged in their passions do they put in the time and effort required to master something. <br /><br />Our country has a record number of kids with mental illness. They are unhappy. They have horrible relationships. Why? Because children today are brought up only to be concerned with externals (money, success, and how they look to others). Kids are no longer taught to be driven by internals (making a difference, serving others, and following their dreams). <br /><br />I implore parents to pay more attention to their kids. What do your kids have a passion for, and how can you give them the support they need to pursue it? <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/071515_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br /><br /><br />Staff2015-07-16T07:01:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/983648692909241916.html2015-07-15T07:00:00Z2015-07-15T07:00:00Z<br /><br />Parents, if you're busy, busy, busy...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_071515.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-07-15T07:00:00ZA Poem for ClaireStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-Poem-for-Claire/23395762402681027.html2015-07-13T14:21:00Z2015-07-13T14:21:00Z<em>(originally published March 4, 2010)<br /></em><br /><br />This is from Barry:<br /><br /><em>Dear Dr. Laura:</em><br /><br /><em>I was a participant in an unwanted, unnecessary divorce…because my wife wasn't 'happy.' I have 3 minor children who, despite my tremendous efforts to the contrary…only get to see me 7-10 days a month. I do everything I can to remain in their lives so I might display to them the importance and value of good character, good values/morals, and integrity...</em><br /><br /><em>For Valentine's Day, I wrote my 5-year-old daughter a poem. I'm not a poet by any means. I'm your basic manly man. These words simply came to me in the half-hour it took to write them down. In it are references to many things we do as a <strong>family</strong>….I thought you might like to read it:</em><br /><br /><em><strong> A Poem for Claire</strong></em><br /><br /><em>A poem for Claire is what I will try. </em><br /><em>I hope it turns out – ya see, I'm only a guy. </em><br /><em>There are jobs that I have- </em><br /><em>One is being your Dad. </em><br /><em>Out of all of the jobs </em><br /><em>That one makes me most glad.</em><br /><br /><em>We do things we like </em><br /><em>And some we don't mind. </em><br /><em>I'm pleased that you're nice</em><br /><em>And so warm and so kind.</em><br /><br /><em>I tell you I'm serious </em><br /><em>But you know that I'm not </em><br /><em>We're both very silly </em><br /><em>And we smile a LOT!</em><br /><br /><em>We sit out in back </em><br /><em>And look at the clouds </em><br /><em>You see shapes I don't see </em><br /><em>You make me so proud.</em><br /><br /><em>Walking to school </em><br /><em>Is always so fun. </em><br /><em>It's been so cold lately </em><br /><em>We can't wait for the sun!</em><br /><br /><em>You fiddle with your homework.</em><br /><em>Maybe a snack instead? </em><br /><em>But each night we read </em><br /><em>Just before time for bed.</em><br /><br /><em>I love when we play </em><br /><em>You're so very special </em><br /><em>We dance and we laugh </em><br /><em>Now it's time to WRESTLE!</em><br /><br /><em>We cuddle on the sofa </em><br /><em>Watch TV at night. </em><br /><em>But we don't watch a show </em><br /><em>That might give you a fright.</em><br /><br /><em>We make up games to play</em><br /><em>Sometimes go for a hike. </em><br /><em>But what you like most </em><br /><em>Is riding your bike!</em><br /><br /><em>You play Dan-Ball and Rock Band </em><br /><em>And sometimes the Wii. </em><br /><em>"Daddy, come look! </em><br /><em>Come here! Come see!"</em><br /><br /><em>I'm busy in the kitchen </em><br /><em>Moving fast there to here. </em><br /><em>You're the first and the loudest </em><br /><em>During our dinnertime cheer.</em><br /><br /><em>I miss you dearly </em><br /><em>When we're far apart, </em><br /><em>But I'll always remind you </em><br /><em>I'm in your head and your heart.</em><br /><br /><em>The message is clear </em><br /><em>In this poem you hear. Y</em><br /><em>our Dad loves you greatly </em><br /><em>And I will always be near.</em><br /><br /><em>I want you to know </em><br /><em>You're my best Valentine. </em><br /><em>I will ALWAYS be yours </em><br /><em>If you will be mine.</em><br /><br /><em>I love you. </em><br /><em>Dad</em><br /><br /><br /><em> You've made me a better man, Dr. Laura. I thank you.</em><br />Staff2015-07-13T14:21:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-307676891821302702.html2015-07-10T07:00:00Z2015-07-10T07:00:00Z<br />
<p><em>You're never too old, too wacky, too wild, to pick up a book and read to a child.</em><br /><br />Theodor Seuss Geisel<br /> American writer and cartoonist<br />1904 - 1991 <br /><br /></p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/071015_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="446" /></p>Staff2015-07-10T07:00:00ZLittle Things That Make a Marriage LastStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Little-Things-That-Make-a-Marriage-Last/-129298510248629086.html2015-07-09T07:01:00Z2015-07-09T07:01:00Z<br /><br />I get so many calls from people wondering how to have a happy and healthy marriage, and it's really not that complicated. Some of you even say that you've grown apart. However, <strong>couples don't grow apart - they stop paying attention</strong>. If you remain interested in your spouse and make your marriage your priority, it will be impossible to grow apart. <br /><br />Maintaining a happy marriage requires only two things: <br /><br />The first is, <strong>choose wisely!</strong> Marriage isn't this cute little plant you find on the side of the road and decide to keep for a while until it dies. No. It's serious. It's work. It's commitment. It involves both people being emotionally, mentally, and spiritually ready. I can understand that you may have pity or compassion for that dying plant, but that's not a reason to get married. Leave it by the roadside. <br /><br />Secondly, <strong>treat kindly!</strong> Now, for some reason, this concept seems to confuse a lot of people. If you're unsure about how to treat each other, go back to the beginning stages of your relationship and do the things you did to attract each other in the first place. For example:<br /><br /><strong>Touch</strong><br />Kiss, hug, lean against each other, and hold hands when you're walking in public. Touch is so important. It takes away feelings of isolation and loneliness. <br /><br /><strong>Express Gratitude</strong><br />Be grateful for your spouse. Do nice things for each other. You don't need to make it an extravagant ordeal - it's the little things that make the biggest difference. <br /><br /><strong>Talk</strong><br />By talk, I don't mean surface conversations about the kids, the annoying relatives, or the bills, but deep, meaningful conversations where you share your thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams. Connect with each other on a deeper level by talking about the depth of real life. <br /><br /><strong>Date Night</strong><br />Make a time where nothing else in the world exists except for the two of you having a good time and enjoying each other's company. <br /><br /><strong>Plan things</strong><br />Having something to look forward to together is so important. <br /><br /><strong>Laugh</strong><br />Laughing together is as important as touching - it makes you feel connected and defuses stress. <br /><br />If you follow these tips (and continue to follow them), you and your spouse will be on the right path to a satisfying and fulfilling relationship. <br /><br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/070915_blog.jpg" alt="" /> <br />Staff2015-07-09T07:01:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-664343785304153484.html2015-07-08T07:00:00Z2015-07-08T07:00:00Z<br /><br />Yesterday is the past...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_070815.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-07-08T07:00:00ZPets Aren't Human SubstitutesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Pets-Arent-Human-Substitutes/-815909168047125490.html2015-07-06T07:00:00Z2015-07-06T07:00:00Z<em>(originally published March 10, 2010)<br /></em><br /><br />More than 80 million Americans are pet owners, and spend nearly 25 billion dollars on veterinary care. Why do we do that? <br /><br />Originally, animals served a largely utilitarian purpose: horses pulled carts, dogs protected the farms, and cats ate rodents. This dependency on animals to help us in our daily lives evolved into warm, close bonded relationships with them – and that's a good thing, but only up to a point. <br /><br />Taking on the responsibility of caring for an animal is a sacrifice, and requires an unselfish commitment that elevates human character. Making sure your pets have food before you do, and providing a safe haven for them is an expression of compassion. Enjoying the enthusiasm of your dog or cat when you appear on the scene, having your blood pressure drop when you pet them – those are the perks of having a pet around. <br /><br />However, if you are infinitely more comfortable with animals than humans, the scales have tipped way too far in the wrong direction. Human communication is largely verbal, and give-and-take is an essential part of human bonding (along with trust). When an individual is fearful or hostile about human connection, it's nice if they have a pet (a warm mammal) to hold close, but it's not a substitute for a human relationship. <br /><br />I get way too many calls from, for example, people like the woman who keeps a dangerous dog in the home (with little kids), because her husband chooses to keep the dog in spite of the threat to his own children; or the man who calls and complains he has a ferocious allergy to cats, but his fiancée will not adopt her cat out to let him move in after the wedding! If this sounds like you or someone you know, it's time to revisit the situations, because choices like these are, obviously, the wrong choices. <br />Staff2015-07-06T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-189611100045961957.html2015-07-02T07:00:00Z2015-07-02T07:00:00Z<br />
<p><em>Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same...</em><br /><br />Ronald Reagan<br />40th President of the United States of America<br />1911-2004 <br /><br /></p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/070315_quote.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2015-07-02T07:00:00ZWhat's Making You Miserable?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Whats-Making-You-Miserable/205813065706680159.html2015-07-01T07:00:00Z2015-07-01T07:00:00Z<br /><br />Misery is one of the easiest states of mind to slip into. Oftentimes we do things that make us miserable without even realizing we're doing them! Here are the most common culprits:<br /><br /><strong>Comparison</strong><br />Much of what makes us unhappy comes from beating ourselves up over not being as good, talented, successful, or well-liked as someone else. I remember a talk show host in Los Angeles some years back who, when people asked him how he was doing, would reply, "Better than some, not as good as others." I love this mantra. No matter who you are, you are always going to be better than some and not as good as others. <br /><br /><strong>Denying Reality</strong> <br />Reality can be quite disappointing, painful, upsetting, frustrating, and frightening. However, as much as we don't like it, we have to accept reality and deal with it. Can you become better at some things? Yes. Can you become better at EVERYTHING? No! I could study physics 10 hours a day for the rest of my life, and I would not be a physics expert. I don't have the ability. I can't stand it when parents tell their kids that they can be anything they want if they apply themselves because it's not true. You have to be practical. <br /><br /><strong>Me, Me, Me</strong><br />You will always be miserable if you make everything all about you. If someone isn't smiling, it's because they don't like <em>me</em>. If someone doesn't answer your email right away, it's because they're not thinking about <em>me</em>. People have their own lives that don't revolve around you. Don't take everything personally. <br /><br /><strong>Nothing to Live For</strong> <br />We all need to have a purpose in life - something to focus on that's meaningful. I hear from many callers who are unhealthily invested in someone else's life (an errant adult child, a ne'er-do-well family member, etc.) because that gives them a false sense of purpose. Find a more meaningful place to invest your time.<br /> <br /><strong>Unhealthy Lifestyle </strong><br />Your mind and body are one. If you don't take care of your body, your mind will follow suit. So eat right, get plenty of sleep, and exercise.<br /> <br /><strong>Negativity</strong><br />Many callers tell me they want to do something, but then they give me a list of excuses as to why they can't. An excuse is simply a reason not to do anything different. You need to remove "can't," "won't," "don't want to," and "it's hopeless" from your vocabulary. Nothing is hopeless if you give it your very best. <br /> <br /><strong>Ingratitude</strong> <br />Be grateful for every moment you are here on this planet, and make the most of those moments.<br /> <br /><img src="/images/blog/070115_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br />Staff2015-07-01T07:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-257678608003976331.html2015-06-30T07:00:00Z2015-06-30T07:00:00Z<br /><br />Jedi Master Yoda knew this to be true...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_070115.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-06-30T07:00:00ZPetty Annoyances Are Exactly That - Petty!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Petty-Annoyances-Are-Exactly-That---Petty!/507301458227815894.html2015-06-29T15:39:00Z2015-06-29T15:39:00Z<em>(originally published February 3, 2010)<br /></em><br /><br />If you're a frequent listener to my radio program, you've probably heard me say to someone seemingly immersed in a petty annoyance: "You must have a charmed and uncomplicated life to have the time and energy to be upset about something that's ultimately so minuscule." <br /><br />Yeah, I know that sounds snarky, but the point is made. If your life is filled with the awe of the sky when the sun first comes up, scurrying to do some projects for charity, coming up with ideas to support a friend in emotional need, treating your spouse as though you adored every breath they take, having daily physical activity that makes you sweat and feel great afterwards, taking on a new challenge in a hobby or education at the local community college or adult extension, having a day a week you get together with buddies to play poker, make a quilt or whatever...when your life is filled in such expansive ways, then the quirky disappointments of family and friends will be shrugged off with a small smile and a lack of real concern. <br /><br />Try activity instead of pouting or letting your anger simmer.<br />Staff2015-06-29T15:39:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-964106912436410726.html2015-06-26T07:00:00Z2015-06-26T07:00:00Z<br />
<p><em>Do for one what you wish you could do for one hundred. </em><br /><br />- Andy Stanley<br />Pastor, author<br />1958 - <br /><br /></p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/062615_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="452" /></p>Staff2015-06-26T07:00:00ZResolving Conflicts as a 'We'Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Resolving-Conflicts-as-a-We/234640543164657841.html2015-06-25T07:01:00Z2015-06-25T07:01:00Z<br /><br />Let’s talk about fighting, shall we?<br /><br />It’s so easy for couples to fight without accomplishing anything. I get a lot of calls from spouses who say, “We’ve had the same fight over and over again.” How does that happen? Why do couples constantly put themselves through the same painful situation without changing anything?<br /><br />It’s because they approach fights without being <strong>solution-oriented</strong>. Instead, their orientation is <strong>Me vs. You. I win, you lose</strong>. Nothing is resolved, and the fight repeats forever.<br /><br />Losing makes the loser feel terrible. And in order to win, you have to squash the other person. Is that really how you want to treat your dearly beloved?! <br /><br />So what’s the alternative? It comes down to this: <strong>You both have to seek a solution – together.</strong> <br /><br />When you fight, you are enemies. When you fight as a Me vs. You, one person has to lose. But when you come up with a solution that will leave you both satisfied, you’ve solved the problem as a <strong>We</strong>. And then you clink your wine glasses, and<em> that fight doesn’t have to happen again! </em><br /><br />Nobody catches flies with a hammer – you catch them with honey. If your intention is to resolve a conflict as a We, you’re not going to raise your voice. You’re not going to vent. You’re not going to exaggerate. Instead, you’ll talk out your problems. You’ll look for ways to satisfy both of you. Your tone of voice will be kind.<br /><br />Fights don’t make you stronger. Solving problems together makes you stronger. In a Me vs. You fight, someone has to win and someone has to lose – every single time. And that’s not what you want in your marriage.<br /> <br /><img src="/images/blog/062515_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br />Staff2015-06-25T07:01:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-331298707715189106.html2015-06-24T14:54:00Z2015-06-24T14:54:00Z<br /><br />Marriage tip...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_062415.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-06-24T14:54:00ZThe Most Romantic Movie of All TimeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Most-Romantic-Movie-of-All-Time/-347874511108040447.html2015-06-22T14:37:00Z2015-06-22T14:37:00Z<em>(originally published February 15, 2010)<br /></em><br /><br />Cruising through the news sites, I recently came across a list of the Top 25 Most Romantic Movies. I was amazed at a number of the choices: adult male dancer in cheap resort "doing" a teenage girl (like they have a future together!); a woman having sex with her fiancé's younger brother; people who meet while on a European excursion and immediately become intimate, and on and on.<br /><br />When I was younger, I used to just "watch" movies and get caught up in the mushy emotions. As an adult (and <em>definitely</em> as "Dr. Laura"), I watch movies on a much deeper level, and I'm not happy with the notion that as long as two people are swept up in fantasy and immediacy, it's just <em>b e a u t i f u l</em>.<br /><br />Maybe it's because I spend hours each day on my radio program helping people extricate their hearts, minds, and collateral damage from their decisions to just go with the flow of erotic and romantic feelings. I'm left trying to help them remedy the hurts done to others as well as themselves and the "accidental" children who do not typically benefit from "conception-on-the-run."<br /><br />The film <em>The African Queen</em> was, for me, one of the most romantic movies of all time. Humphrey Bogart gives up being a surly, drunk, self-designated outcast for Katharine Hepburn, who gives up being an up-tight, prissy, self-avowed spinster, for a <strong><em>cause</em></strong>, using his little beat-up boat to sink a German war boat. Having that joint goal (well, she had to work hard to get him out of his shell to be brave enough to re-join the world), and having to deal with deadly elements on a six-foot power skiff together, they built something really romantic.<br /><br />Those of you who are married and struggling with illness or the economic "elements" should watch that movie together...twice! I believe it will make you snuggle. What brings people really close together is not just itinerant sex. It is a joint goal, the attainment of which requires you both to become MORE. Sometimes that goal is survival, and at other times, it may be the birth of a child, or a commitment to some effort in the world. Great sex is the prize...it is <em>not</em> the substance of true love.<br />Staff2015-06-22T14:37:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/2474805067962000.html2015-06-19T15:07:00Z2015-06-19T15:07:00Z<br />
<p><em>A father is neither an anchor to hold us back, nor a sail to take us there, but a guiding light whose love shows us the way.</em> <br /><br />Unknown <br /><br /></p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/061915_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="452" /></p>Staff2015-06-19T15:07:00Z5 Tips to Handle Manipulative PeopleStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Tips-to-Handle-Manipulative-People/102528644254026796.html2015-06-18T07:01:00Z2015-06-18T07:01:00Z<br /><br />I'll bet every one of you knows a manipulative person - someone who nitpicks, criticizes, finds fault, or acts mean. Your gut tells you they're bad, but your brain tells you not to be judgmental or insensitive. After all, they seem nice <em>some </em>of the time...<br /><br />Stop playing into their hands! Here are my tips for dealing with manipulative people: <br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Don't take them on.</strong> Confronting a manipulative person or becoming emotional only encourages them. Manipulators want control. They also like the entertainment. Similar to the crowds watching gladiator fights in ancient Rome, manipulative people enjoy seeing the blood, guts, and chaos. </li>
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<li><strong>Don't feed them.</strong> A manipulator will grab at anything that gives them the opportunity to blame you. If you corner them or try to explain yourself, they'll switch into victim mode. They'll point out what you are saying or doing wrong. They'll make you out to be the bad guy. They'll hold on to something you said in anger and throw it back at you years later. </li>
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<li><strong>Don't try to fix them.</strong> You are a nutcase supreme if you try to reason with a manipulative person. They are better at it than you, and they won't change because they are always right. </li>
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<li><strong>Don't ever be alone with them.</strong> I received a call from a woman who complained that her mother-in-law said mean things to her whenever her husband left the room. My solution? Leave the room, or make sure somebody else is always there! </li>
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<li><strong>Don't reveal your weaknesses.</strong> Have you ever told a friend or family member something personal or private in an attempt to be nice only to be strangled with it later? That's what manipulators do. They see your compassion as weakness and use it against you. </li>
</ol><br /> <br /><img src="/images/blog/061815_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br />Staff2015-06-18T07:01:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/62926689702796087.html2015-06-17T07:00:00Z2015-06-17T07:00:00Z<br /><br />Chivalry may not be dead, so...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_061715.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-06-17T07:00:00ZFive Ways to Be HappierStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Five-Ways-to-Be-Happier/-401320346686062544.html2015-06-15T14:55:00Z2015-06-15T14:55:00Z<em>(originally published January 4, 2010)<br /></em><br /><br />I have five tips for you to help you be happier:<br /><ol>
<li><strong>You may have to recognize</strong> that you inherited some propensities which are counter to a happy attitude: less emotional stability, less social activity, less physical activity than others. However, you may have also grown up with people who "bounce" or "squish," and you've learned to deal with life through parental example – good and bad. So, some things you've learned might have to be "un-learned" or consciously worked against in order for you to be happy. </li>
<li><strong>After performing good deeds, people are happier.</strong> That's a fact. And when many of you feel "mulchy," you tend to withdraw from people or just get downright nasty. That's counter-productive at best. Coming out of that dark place you're in to bring light to someone else shines back on you.</li>
<li>Winston Churchill said that a pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity, but an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. <strong>Attitude is everything.</strong> I've taken people from "yuck" to giggles during three minute calls on my radio program just by using humor and getting them to "remember" a blessing or chuckle in their lives. You can simmer on "negative" or try to replace that with something "wonderful." It's your choice.</li>
<li><strong>Physical activity</strong> diminishes cortisol (the adrenal gland hormone secreted by angry or scared people which also increases blood pressure) and increases endorphins (which are natural, free and legal mood elevators, and give you a natural "high").</li>
<li><strong>Maturity works in your favor</strong>. As you spend more time on the face of the earth, you learn to endure and filter out the negatives, while focusing on what you truly enjoy.</li>
</ol>Happiness takes some time and some work…and it is worth it.<br /> <br />Staff2015-06-15T14:55:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/874376704392902106.html2015-06-12T13:10:00Z2015-06-12T13:10:00Z<br />
<p><em>Failure is just another way to learn how to do something right.</em> <br /><br />Marian Wright Edelman<br />President and founder of the Children's Defense Fund<br />1939 - <br /><br /></p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/061115_quote.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2015-06-12T13:10:00ZListen to that Small Voice InsideStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Listen-to-that-Small-Voice-Inside/-587092551891968885.html2015-06-08T16:15:00Z2015-06-08T16:15:00Z<em>(originally published January 10, 2010)<br /></em><br /><br />I notice that there are way too many people who want to believe that "not wanting to know something is true" will magically make it "not true." If it worked, I'd bottle and sell it.<br /><br />I'd like a dollar for each caller to my radio program who complains about some extraordinary behavior or circumstance that is making them miserable in their relationship, whether they're dating, already married, or married and three kids later! I ask the dreaded question: <em>"Did you see/know about this before you...?"</em> At first, frankly, most people lie and say<em> "No."</em> Sensing they're being defensive, I push. Finally, they admit it by modulating it: <em>"Well, it wasn't <strong>that</strong> bad."</em> Meaning, of course, that they knew it and didn't want to know it.<br /><br />Why does this happen?<br /><br /><ol>
<li>We don't want our dreams and desires squished.</li>
<li>We are so far along with our feelings and actions (sex, engagement, long dating) that we simply don't want to lose what we have, or we don't want to lose face.</li>
</ol><br />So, the next step is "magical thinking:" <em>"Well, LOVE should fix this,"</em> or <em>"It's really not that bad,"</em> or we simply just try to ignore it. When parents or friends bring it to our attention, we find ways to extinguish reality by claiming that they are just exaggerating or wanting to hurt you or take away your happiness or are too bossy or too critical.<br /><br />Every now and then I get a caller, as I did recently, who was only dating a few weeks and was seeing what some would call a "red flag." She wanted to check it with me to see if she was being unnecessarily cautious or critical. After listening to her, I complimented her on listening to that small voice inside which was telling her <em>"NO...not this one!"</em><br /><br />So what I wish for all of you is to <strong><em>listen to that small voice</em></strong> of good sense, and put aside emotion and magical thinking. The road to hell is not built with good sense.<br />Keep that in mind. <br />Staff2015-06-08T16:15:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-463750158770664661.html2015-06-05T15:34:00Z2015-06-05T15:34:00Z<br />
<p><em>Do not speak in the hearing of a fool,</em><br /><em>For he will despise the wisdom of your words.</em> <br /><br />Proverbs 23:9<br /><br /><br /></p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2015-06-05T15:34:00ZDating Deal BreakersStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dating-Deal-Breakers/980958696819643710.html2015-06-04T07:01:00Z2015-06-04T07:01:00Z<br /><br />I feel like a broken record here, but I'm going to recap some dating deal breakers. If you see one of these red flags when you take inventory of your relationship, it's time to hit the eject button. <br />
<ul>
<li>If <strong>they are constantly late</strong>, get rid of them. I don't care what their reason is - it's disrespectful. </li>
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<li>If <strong>they drink too much</strong>, don't make excuses for them and don't stick around! </li>
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<li>If <strong>they trash talk their ex</strong>, it's a sign they're living in the past. They are of no use to your present relationship. </li>
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<li>If <strong>they don't introduce you to family and friends</strong>, there's something wrong. They are either keeping you a secret, or your relationship isn't serious to them. </li>
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<li>If <strong>they have poor hygiene</strong>, dump them. They should be trying to impress you, and you should be trying to impress them. It works both ways. </li>
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<li>If <strong>they have no friends</strong>, maybe you shouldn't be with them either! Think about why they have no friends, especially if they want to monopolize all of your time and insist that you only do what they want to do. </li>
</ul>
The bottom line is, it's your responsibility to figure out what is non-negotiable for you. <strong>You can't change anyone, so don't try.</strong> Decide what your deal breakers are, and stick to them! <br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/060415_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br />Staff2015-06-04T07:01:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/354725596469089446.html2015-06-03T14:36:00Z2015-06-03T14:36:00Z<br /><br />Sometimes you just have to walk away...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_060315.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-06-03T14:36:00ZForgiving the Thoughtlessness of OthersStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Forgiving-the-Thoughtlessness-of-Others/-431349516592802220.html2015-06-01T15:01:00Z2015-06-01T15:01:00Z<em>(originally published January 13, 2010)<br /></em><br /><br />The other day, someone made an honest comment to me about a gift I gave them – a rude comment, but an honest one.<br /><br />This is the sort of circumstance I hear about a lot on my radio program. Callers get very upset about some small moment of discomfort, stupidity, rudeness, thoughtlessness – you get my drift. It sends them into a tizzy, because I guess they yearn for this perfect world where everyone else’s behavior conforms to what it is that makes <em>them</em> happy.<br /><br />People are largely busy with their own lives, and they don't always monitor their mouths or body language. Sometimes, they're prone to say things without consideration of how it might be received.<br /><br />So, back to my story – I just laughed. Look, my feelings can get hurt just like yours. But since I am "Dr. Laura," and because I have the experience of over six decades on the planet, I have learned to choose what will annoy me. When you have friends and acquaintances, you have to 1) cut everyone some "stupidity slack" once in a while (as you would have them forgive you); 2) look at the totality of that person and realize that, percentage-wise, they're "fine," and 3) decide whether or not their action was intentionally meant to do you harm or was just a quirk of their personality.<br /><br />When someone is downright evil, please avoid them.<br /><br />When someone is simply a bit thoughtless of others, then put them in their place…in your mind, that is. Know that they have this "quirky-ness" and in the future, don’t have expectations for them that are out-of-proportion.<br /><br />You can still be friendly, and even be friends, once you accept their limitations.<br /><br />So, if you don’t have a "goat" to <em>get</em>, they can't get your goat!<br />Staff2015-06-01T15:01:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/312664612469169944.html2015-05-29T14:31:00Z2015-05-29T14:31:00Z<br />
<p><em>Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential.</em><br /><br />Sir Winston Churchill<br />Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, 1940-1945 and 1951-1955<br />1874-1965<br /><br /><br /></p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2015-05-29T14:31:00ZRaising 'Smart' KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Raising-Smart-Kids/947768544309505662.html2015-05-28T17:18:00Z2015-05-28T17:18:00Z<br /><br />When I was in school, I saw students who had amazing GPAs in high school - much better than mine - but fell by the wayside in college, while I was on the Dean's List. Want to know why? I worked for it, and they didn't. I studied and persisted seven days a week to get the grades that I got. It wasn't brains that made the difference, it was effort.<br /> <br />Fast-forward a few years to when I was a professor at USC. During the exams, I would walk around the room and see what the students were writing. If I saw that something was wrong, I would direct their attention back to the question, and tell them to read it again very carefully. So then they'd go back and rework the question and inevitably, they would get the right answer after they thought about it. All I did was give them a boost that things were possible with more focus. If you have a negative mindset towards your outcome, you won't get anywhere.<br /><br />It's my best guess that parents compliment their kids with the wrong message. I can't tell you how many calls I get from parents who start the conversation off with, "I have three beautiful children." Who cares that your kids are pretty? I'm more interested in their character. Are they going to be decent citizens? Are they compassionate? Will they be good people? Stop telling kids they're brilliant because then what's their motivation for cultivating their talent? Put more emphasis on the effort it takes to complete a task, focus on what they learned, and be impressed with the strategy they used rather than the results. <br /><br />Another great way to create an open learning environment is to encourage everyone in the family to share their mistakes. At the dinner table, have each person talk about a mistake they made that day. Your kids will not only see that mistakes aren't the worst thing in the world, but that we can fix them, or at the very least, learn from them. The most persistent students don't spend time ruminating over their failures; they simply learn from their mistakes and move on.<br /> <br />Keep these words from Thomas Edison in mind: "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."<br /><br />
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<br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/052815_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br />Staff2015-05-28T17:18:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/607442192105007517.html2015-05-27T07:00:00Z2015-05-27T07:00:00Z<br /><br />Sometimes you just have to walk away...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_052715.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-05-27T07:00:00ZConversation vs. ConfrontationStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Conversation-vs.-Confrontation/198186966384633479.html2015-05-26T14:28:00Z2015-05-26T14:28:00Z<em>(originally published January 14, 2010)<br /></em><br /><br />Let's talk about having conversations. You read that right - I didn't goof and actually mean <em>confrontation</em>, which typically is what I hear most about on my radio program. It is not a good plan to think of trying to communicate something delicate or important to someone by approaching them through the lenses of battle, which is what confrontation implies.<br /><br />There are ways to deal with another person on difficult issues that don't necessarily feel like the throwing down of a gauntlet (an attack against which they have to be defensive). The moment you get someone's defenses up, the quicker the whole situation degenerates into a "lose/lose" predicament, usually making things even worse than they were.<br /><br />If the information is to a loved one, start out with a "Sweetie" or "Honey" or something that sets the tone as one of friendship, love or caring. Continue with the explanation that it is to <em>improve</em> the situation that you're coming to them (because you don't want the relationship hurt by misunderstandings or errors in judgment or word choice). Then they know you are not attacking them, but you are trying to preserve the relationship and they will be more open to hearing your point of view.<br /><br />It's also important to start out with some verbal "gift," i.e., you compliment them with sincerity by suggesting you understand what their position might be, but you're confused, hurt, upset or worried that ________ [fill in the blank]. Remind them what you've meant to each other and how you want that to continue, and this is a glitch which can be remedied with mutual consideration and understanding.<br /><br />If you're up against a reasonable, caring individual, things will go well. <br /><br />If you're up against an <em>un</em>reasonable, self-centered human being, things will go well if you walk away.<br /><br />Rule number "PRE-one:" Don't wait for emotions to fester. Handle things as they happen before you work yourself up to the point you can't be reasonable.<br />Staff2015-05-26T14:28:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-465044033876859331.html2015-05-22T07:00:00Z2015-05-22T07:00:00Z<br />
<p><em>The dead soldier’s silence sings our national anthem.</em><br /><br />Aaron Kilbourn<br /><br /></p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2015-05-22T07:00:00ZI Am No Longer Attracted to My SpouseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/I-Am-No-Longer-Attracted-to-My-Spouse/134135255408133592.html2015-05-21T07:01:00Z2015-05-21T07:01:00Z<br /><br />Your level of sexual attraction to your spouse will never be the same as it was when you were first married. Things were new and exciting, and you were both young, fit and energetic. To some people, getting older can be a big downer and lead to affairs or divorce. However, that doesn’t have to be the case. <br /><br />Here are some simple ways to stay attracted to your spouse:<br />
<ul>
<li><strong>Treasure hunt. </strong> When you start to get mad or annoyed with your spouse, focus on something cute, sweet or adorable about him or her. It could be the way they smile or kiss you in the morning. <strong>Where you put your thoughts sets the tone for how you feel. </strong>If you think mean thoughts, you are going to be angry. If you think sweet thoughts, you will feel uplifted.</li>
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<li><strong>Compliment instead of complain.</strong> People tend to be willing to do more when they are complimented, not criticized. </li>
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<li><strong>Get away from work and the kids.</strong> Go out to dinner or take mini vacations.</li>
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<li><strong>Try new things together.</strong></li>
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<li><strong>Honor the sacrifices you make for each other and the family.</strong> Going to work and sitting in traffic aren’t fun. Neither are screaming kids, taking care of the house and making dinner. You need to honor the sacrifices you each make instead of whining and complaining. </li>
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<br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/052115_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="619" /><br />Staff2015-05-21T07:01:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/650420582720698420.html2015-05-20T13:31:00Z2015-05-20T13:31:00Z<br /><br />Do your friendships need a little spring cleaning?...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_052015.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-05-20T13:31:00ZWhen Others Are Hurting, Can You Still Have A Good Day?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-Others-Are-Hurting,-Can-You-Still-Have-A-Good-Day/-349533175154861515.html2015-05-18T14:24:00Z2015-05-18T14:24:00Z<em>(originally published January 18, 2010)<br /></em><br /><br />A number of people have expressed to me they feel somewhat guilty their lives are so blessed and/or peaceful right now while people are being blown up in Afghanistan, Pakistan and other places – and by their own countrymen! Or that people are suffering and dying by the tens of thousands in Haiti in the aftermath of a devastating earthquake.<br /><br />"How [they ask] can I dare to have a good day when all of this is happening?"<br /><br />I think that's a good question asked by decent people. <br /><br />The answer is simple: what choice do you have?<br /><br />Shall you undermine yourself and those who count on you by crumbling under the awareness of this cruelty of people and nature? Does that add to the misery of the world? YES. Does that minimize the misery of the world? NO.<br /><br />Your job is to do and be your best and to bring light into darkness in your own mind and home, and among family, friends, and community. Where you have the wherewithal and the expertise to extend that to deserving people and places, do so because all humanity benefits by your action of caring – if not aided directly, then at the very least inspired by your example.<br /><br />Where you can't extend yourself to some place around the world, be cognizant that compassion and love in a circle around you has a ripple effect to help perfect the world for whatever moments of bliss might exist. They add up. <br /><br />Whether close at hand or off to a distant land, when you extend mercy, you do an act which magnificently defines humanity.<br />Staff2015-05-18T14:24:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/47716758436710581.html2015-05-15T14:53:00Z2015-05-15T14:53:00Z<br />
<p><em>Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!</em><br /><br />Audrey Hepburn<br />Actress, Humanitarian<br />1929-1993</p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2015-05-15T14:53:00ZDr. Laura's Guide to Achieving Your GoalsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Lauras-Guide-to-Achieving-Your-Goals/634275790157032526.html2015-05-14T20:21:00Z2015-05-14T20:21:00Z<br /><br />We all have goals in life. For some, it's learning a creative skill we've always been interested in. For others, it's starting our own business from the ground up. No matter the varying degrees or difficulties of achieving your goal, each venture requires the same foundation in order to be successful. <br /><br /><strong>Don't aim at the goal - aim <em>past</em> the goal </strong><br />When I was in martial arts, I was required to break a board with my foot in order to advance to the next belt level. This test is put in place not to simply break the wood, but to master the concept of how you go about breaking it. If you aim at the wood, you'll just spend all day kicking at the same spot and tiring yourself out. Instead, you have to focus beyond the wood - beyond your goal - which allows you to carry your momentum forward. <br /><br /><strong>Never set a goal as a wall</strong><br />Some people make all-or-nothing statements such as, "I am going to lose 10 pounds." However, the problem with this false mindset is that it makes you focus solely on the results rather than the process (i.e. "If I achieve my goal, then I will be happy"). Instead, <strong>set your goals as an ongoing experience</strong> where you can experiment, have fun, learn, and most importantly, be yourself.<br /><br /><strong>Stop procrastinating</strong><br />Don't waste your life overanalyzing or giving in to your fears. <strong>The best time to take action is <em>now</em></strong>. Don't start tomorrow - start yesterday! <br /><br /><strong>Be willing to make sacrifices </strong><br />If you want to achieve your goals, you have to make sacrifices. That means you need to push yourself and do what's hard instead of what's convenient, comfortable, or immediately gratifying. <br /><br /><strong>Make a plan </strong><br />Don't stand around waiting for opportunities to come to you - you have to seek them out. Stop talking about all the things you want to do, and come up with an actual concrete plan of action. <strong>Plan your day with respect to your goals.</strong><br /><br /><strong>Ask for help</strong><br />Turn to people who know what they're doing. Don't be ashamed, embarrassed, or uncomfortable. There are a lot of gracious people out there willing to help you learn. All you have to do is ask. <br /><br /><strong>Don't lose heart</strong><br />Some days, everything will seem to collapse on itself and nothing will go right. That's going to happen. Don't give up! By keeping enthusiasm in your heart and following through, you will accomplish what you set out to do. <br /><br />For more tips on how to achieve (and surpass) your goals, check out <a href="http://www.lifehack.org/articles/productivity/15-reasons-why-you-cant-achieve-your-goals.html" target="_blank">this excellent article</a>.<br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/051415_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br />Staff2015-05-14T20:21:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/421317196369701315.html2015-05-13T14:10:00Z2015-05-13T14:10:00Z<br /><br />On growing up...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_051315.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-05-13T14:10:00ZFreedom of SpeechStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Freedom-of-Speech/154681095984553713.html2015-05-12T14:04:00Z2015-05-12T14:04:00Z<br /><br />I've gotten a number of emails asking me to make a comment on a particular issue and so I decided to do that. <br /><br />You probably have heard about the group that set up a contest in Texas, a contest of cartoons making fun of the Islamic prophet, Muhammed. The point of this, according to the people who set it up, was to show we have freedom of speech and part of the Muslim world doesn't permit it. <br /><br />It's interesting -- there has been tremendous debate on this. I think what was done was wrong. I was brought up at a very early age to know simply because something is true, it doesn't need to be spoken. And simply because you can do or say something, doesn't mean you ought to. I remember in San Francisco some museum displaying all kinds of repulsive art, like taking a Christian cross, turning it upside down in a bowl of urine and calling that "art".<br /><br />We have the freedom to do things like that. But what kind of person takes advantage of a freedom like that? To "dis" somebody else's deity? Are we going to have a contest on cartoons saying bad things about Buddha? The truth is, yes, in our country we have freedom. The whole concept of freedom of speech was to take us away from what used to happen in other countries -- you spoke against the king or the queen and you could end up with your head chopped off. So we started a country where you could talk against your president and not get your head chopped off. <br /><br />But the whole concept of us being free to say whatever we want here has been taken to a repulsive extent. We've seen Nazis marching through Jewish neighborhoods or the KKK marching through black neighborhoods because they can. We have the freedom to do that, but, to me, that is an abuse of a freedom. I think what that group did in Texas was wrong. There are other ways to make a point. The point is already made. We watch videos of Christians being beheaded in the Middle East. We already have proof. We don't have to have a contest making fun of somebody's deity. We already have a serious problem in the world. <br /><br />So the reason I think it's reasonable for me to talk about this is because we talk about morality all the time. Just because you have the freedom to do something doesn't mean it's morally right to do it. So, that group was wrong. The group in San Francisco that takes pictures of Christian crosses in urine is wrong. They're morally wrong. That's my opinion on this. We're taking the concept of freedom of speech into petty, vulgar, mean places. Don't abuse our freedoms. <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/051215_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="428" /><br />Staff2015-05-12T14:04:00ZFacing Your FearsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Facing-Your-Fears/538139695581379363.html2015-05-11T15:14:00Z2015-05-11T15:14:00Z<em>(originally published May 10, 2010)<br /></em><br /><br />Recently, on a Friday afternoon, I had an experience which challenged my fears and comfort level. I went out sailing in 20-30 knots of wind, with 6 – 8 foot swells, in a very, very narrow boat only 41 feet long. I had five experienced crew with me. And I was nervous.<br /><br />Believe you me, it is an intimidating experience when a little sailboat is planing at over 20 knots with gusts and crazy waves. You don’t have a lot of opportunity to think things through or to hesitate – a five degree wrong move and….WIPEOUT! In the cold water and sloppy big waves, that could mean “man overboard” with the boat temporarily out of control. (<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNcg7RLFj6o" target="_blank">Watch the experience</a>.)<br /><br />I am learning to skipper a boat under these conditions, where you have to run on “feel” and not so much on thinking things through. I have lots to learn and practice, but whoo hoo! What a ride!<br /><br />In doing this, I faced rational fear and was out of my comfort zone. It took 48 hours for me to come down from that exhilaration. It changes you. I feel proud of myself; I know I’m getting better and better. Facing fears and limitations, while scary, leads to such acceleration in joy of life and a growing self-confidence, that it is more than worth the scary moments.<br /><br />As I keep nagging at you folks, things are scary until they become <em>familiar</em>. Practice and forcing yourself to face the experience time and again gives you <em>familiarity</em> which gives you confidence, and a natural, free, and legal “high.” <br />Staff2015-05-11T15:14:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-806150898554201518.html2015-05-08T14:04:00Z2015-05-08T14:04:00Z<br />
<p>When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.<br /><br />Erma Bombeck<br />American humorist, newspaper columnist<br />1927-1996</p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2015-05-08T14:04:00Z10 Bad Habits That Hurt RelationshipsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/10-Bad-Habits-That-Hurt-Relationships/-226039827670026906.html2015-05-07T07:01:00Z2015-05-07T07:01:00Z<br /><br />Every relationship goes through ups and downs, but if you're chronically doing these <a href="http://greatist.com/happiness/20-bad-habits-could-hurt-your-relationship" target="_blank">behaviors</a>, you are sure to hurt your relationship: <br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Trying to improve him/her. </strong>People are who they are. Sure, sometimes there are changes in actions or behavior, but for the most part, someone's character and personality is relatively consistent. <strong>If you are constantly trying to improve someone, they are going to feel criticized, unappreciated, unloved, and disrespected</strong>, which doesn't make them feel warm and cuddly towards you. </li>
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<li><strong>Finding faults with their family.</strong> Unless it's something dangerous or destructive, <strong>deal with it, and stop nitpicking at the minutia</strong>. </li>
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<li><strong>Fighting.</strong> Never yell, scream, or name-call in public. Nobody is going to care about you if you humiliate them in a public venue, whether they know the people around them or not. As a matter of fact, <strong>don't fight at all</strong>. You can disagree or have conflicts, but don't fight. <strong>Fighting is all about trying to hurt the other person. If you want someone to listen to you, all you have to do is give them points for their point of view</strong>. Say, "I see your point," or, "I see what you're saying." Then see if you can add something to it.</li>
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<li><strong>Holding grudges. </strong>Everyone screws up, makes mistakes, and has moods - you included. Don't hold grudges, give the silent treatment, or be mean and vicious as payback.</li>
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<li><strong>Timing. </strong>If you want to talk about something significant, wait for a good time, not right when they come home tired or just before a party. </li>
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<li><strong>Keeping score.</strong> A relationship is not a competition. </li>
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<li><strong>Being melodramatic. </strong>It's not the end of the world if X, Y, or Z doesn't happen. Try to be a little more even-tempered and not exaggerate the emotionality of the moment. </li>
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<li><strong>Mistrusting. </strong>Nobody should be in a relationship (much less a marriage) if they are insecure. And what's the biggest indication of insecurity? Jealousy. <strong>If you have issues with jealousy or insecurity, you need help, not a relationship. </strong></li>
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<li><strong>Doing <em>everything</em> together.</strong> Everyone needs some time to themselves. Having separate hobbies and friends enhances your relationship.</li>
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<li><strong>Taking them for granted.</strong> Put in the effort on a daily basis to show how important they are to you by <strong>paying attention and showing gratitude</strong>. </li>
</ol><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/050715_blog.jpg" alt="" />Staff2015-05-07T07:01:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-956706693027834456.html2015-05-06T14:11:00Z2015-05-06T14:11:00Z<br /><br />Add this to "Murphy's Law"...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_050615.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-05-06T14:11:00ZLying to OurselvesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Lying-to-Ourselves/-992718979012020891.html2015-05-04T15:50:00Z2015-05-04T15:50:00Z<em>(originally published May 26, 2010)<br /></em><br /><br />Some callers to my radio program are amazed when I explain that their situation is entirely of their own making, and don't allow them to complain about someone else as the architect of their situation.<br /><br />Sadly, a typical scenario goes like this: a young woman caller with one or two illegitimate children is shacking up for years and years with a guy who is now out on the dating scene. (Well, why <em>shouldn't</em> he date? He's a single man with a consort!). When the young woman protests that they have a "commitment," I ask "What is the commitment? Where is it?" <strong>There is no commitment involved in unmarried sex or procreation or cohabitation.</strong> It's all "free-flowing," which is exactly what both paid for when they signed up <em>to not sign up for any obligation past the feeling of the moment</em>.<br /><br />The truth about females is that we lie to ourselves when we say we can just "hang out" or have "hook-up level" sex and make babies with someone who says "I love you," but ultimately doesn't walk the talk. <br /><br />We <em>want</em> to nest, settle down, and have someone love us and protect us and provide for us, but we <em>behave</em> in ways that demonstrate massive denial, insecurity, and a kind of pathetic desperation or downright foolishness.<br /><br />None of this makes a woman feel special, put on a pedestal, valued or really loved. And none of this protects the needs of children. More and more women of late are intentionally having babies without marriage because, in my opinion, they are not competent to provide love and affection and attention to anything outside themselves, and the feminista women around them applaud the "no men" clause. This is atrocious, as it undermines society and puts children in the position of <em>no daddy</em>. <br /><br />None of you should show any support for any woman who makes this choice. No support...and lots of negative judgment. Please.Staff2015-05-04T15:50:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-662437520180409657.html2015-05-01T13:47:00Z2015-05-01T13:47:00Z<br />
<p><em>Act as if what you do makes a difference. </em><br /><em>It does.</em><br /><br />William James<br />American philosopher, psychologist, physician<br />1842-1910</p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2015-05-01T13:47:00ZResponding to a Loved One's ConfessionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Responding-to-a-Loved-Ones-Confession/-385183627418614587.html2015-04-30T16:36:00Z2015-04-30T16:36:00Z<p><br /><br />At some time in your life, <strong>someone will confess to you that they have done something bad.</strong> It could be your spouse, a relative, or a friend. The question is, what do you do?<br /><br />Of course, we're not talking about something illegal - you know what to do in that case. But what if it's something stupid or immoral, an addiction or an affair, or anything else that is causing them to feel guilty and ashamed?<br /><br />First, you must recognize how difficult and humiliating it is for this person to come and confess to you. <strong>Encourage them!</strong> Commend them for opening up. <strong>Commit to being there</strong> to listen. Your place is to be their sounding board, not to rescue or fix. If you respond with<strong> gentleness and understanding</strong>, you can be the first step in your loved one's process of getting better, dealing with the problem, and beginning to move on.<br /><br />For more suggestions on how to respond to a loved one's confession, check out these great tips from Stephen Altrogge: <a href="http://theblazingcenter.com/2011/03/what-to-do-when-someone-confesses-sin-to-you.html" target="_blank">What to Do When Someone Confesses Sin to You.</a><a href="http://theblazingcenter.com/2011/03/what-to-do-when-someone-confesses-sin-to-you.html" target="_blank"><br /></a></p>
<p><em><img src="/images/blog/043015_blog.jpg" alt="" /> </em></p>Staff2015-04-30T16:36:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-83859682990477233.html2015-04-29T13:15:00Z2015-04-29T13:15:00Z<br /><br />It takes 18-24 months to really get to know someone...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_042915.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-04-29T13:15:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/211698838880693328.html2015-04-24T13:51:00Z2015-04-24T13:51:00Z<br />
<p><em>You don’t need to be on the same wavelength to succeed in marriage. <br />You just need to be able to ride each other's waves.</em><br /><br />Toni Sciarra Poynter<br />Author</p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2015-04-24T13:51:00ZCompliments Men Love to HearStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Compliments-Men-Love-to-Hear/-587893825571924800.html2015-04-23T07:01:00Z2015-04-23T07:01:00Z<em><br /></em>
<p>Everyone loves to be complimented. When is the last time you complimented your man? <br /><br /></p>
<ol>
<li><strong>"I love being your wife."</strong> Men love knowing that their wives are happy and satisfied about being married to them. </li>
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<li><strong>"You are a great dad."</strong> Take time out in front of the kids to compliment him. Tell the kids why he's so special to you and to the world.</li>
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<li><strong>"You're hot."</strong> We always think of women as the gender that is into looks, but guys are the same way. </li>
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<li><strong>"I respect you."</strong> Your average guy would rather hear, "I respect you," than "I love you." If you're always questioning or criticizing his decisions, it implies that you don't think he makes good decisions, which means you don't respect him (and that's devastating). </li>
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<li><strong>"I love how you provide for our family." </strong>Men take great pride in providing for their families. So let him know how much you appreciate it. </li>
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<li><strong>"Can you help me with _______?"</strong> Guys like to be problem-solvers. So when you ask for their help, they feel admired and appreciated. </li>
</ol>
<p><br />For more tips, read my book<em>, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060520620/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0060520620&linkCode=as2&tag=wwwdrlauracom-20&linkId=5AWR3PAVKGV2KTFV" target="_blank">The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands</a>.<br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/042315_blog.jpg" alt="" /> </em></p>Staff2015-04-23T07:01:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/457951736082286736.html2015-04-22T21:55:00Z2015-04-22T21:55:00Z<br /><br />One thing every parent should teach their children...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_042215.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-04-22T21:55:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-835453873087295554.html2015-04-15T07:00:00Z2015-04-15T07:00:00Z<br /><br />Actions speak louder than words...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_041515.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-04-15T07:00:00ZOn Being A Good FriendStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/On-Being-A-Good-Friend/-167815380668922665.html2015-04-13T07:00:00Z2015-04-13T07:00:00Z<em>(originally published April 22, 2010)<br /><br /></em>
<p>I have a very good friend (and I hope she thinks the same of me).<br /><br />We have a kind of magic together: we have a lot of interests in common and do "day road trips" to bead fairs, fabric stores, yarn shops and such, because we share craft hobbies and help each other with our projects. The other day, she just showed up when I was on the air to give me some buttons she'd bought for a tote project gift I was working on. With the buttons came a card which showed an old photo of two women friends on a couch. Underneath the photo, the caption read: <em>"A good friend will bail you out of jail. A GREAT friend is one who sits beside you and says 'Wow, that was fun!'"</em><br /><br />I couldn't stop laughing when I read that, and while you should not take that literally, it does suggest friends really get into each other in a special way. Friends want to experience each other's joys and heartaches as part of bonding with and mending each other.<br /><br />I have watched my friend put herself out for me, stand up for me, and bend over backwards to make me happy. I am one lucky woman to have such a blessing in my life. Friends – really good friends – are a rare commodity: you have to have just the right chemistry, attitude, understanding, forgiveness, openness, kindness, and thoughtfulness. A good friend brings all that out in you. A good friend makes you a better person.<br /><br />I’m sure we've irritated each other from time to time, but we've never had a fight about it. Why not? Because good friends have each other's best interests at heart and accept each other's quirks with humor.<br /><br />The best way to have a good friend is also the best way to have a good marriage: choose wisely, and treat kindly.<br /><br />And consider yourself very fortunate if you have someone who resonates with you in this lifetime.</p>Staff2015-04-13T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-462471311246001592.html2015-04-10T07:00:00Z2015-04-10T07:00:00Z<br />
<p><em>Friends are the siblings God never gave us.</em><br /><br />- Mencius<br />Chinese philosopher<br />372 – 289 BC</p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/041015_quote.jpg" alt="" /></p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2015-04-10T07:00:00ZWhy We Resist Personal ChangeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-We-Resist-Personal-Change/513184480634986130.html2015-04-09T07:01:00Z2015-04-09T07:01:00Z<em><br /></em>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><br />If you've ever played tennis, you remember practicing on your own for a while, hitting the ball over and over, and doing your best to get it over the net. Perhaps, at some point, you even took a lesson. Your instructor taught you the right way to hit the ball, and you found that the new technique put a lot more power behind your swing.<br /><br />But then you had a match against someone else. The going got tough, and what happened? You went back to the old swing that you were familiar with. It didn't work as well, but it felt better. It felt like you, but it probably lost you the match.<br /><br />All of us have a tendency to resort to what is familiar. Change provokes anxiety. We resist unfamiliar new situations, whether it's something as significant as a new relationship or as simple as a different way to get home from work.<br /><br />Procrastination is a great example of this. When we procrastinate, we are essentially avoiding something uncertain or uncomfortable. I find it always works best to do the most difficult job <em>first</em>, so the anxiety of what I have to do doesn't hang over my head for any longer than it has to.<br /><br />For more insight on why we resist personal change, check out this fantastic article: <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/201310/why-is-personal-change-so-tough-do" target="_blank"><em>Why Is Personal Change So Tough to Do?</em> </a>I think it will help a lot of you.<br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/040915_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="423" /></p>Staff2015-04-09T07:01:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-847330205422715403.html2015-04-08T14:46:00Z2015-04-08T14:46:00Z<br /><br />Think you know someone? Here's a good way to tell...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_040815.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-04-08T14:46:00ZTurning a Boy Into a Responsible ManStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Turning-a-Boy-Into-a-Responsible-Man/-524494161558950856.html2015-04-06T07:00:00Z2015-04-06T07:00:00Z<em>(originally published May 26, 2010)<br /><br /></em>
<p>The other day I took a call on my radio program from a mother who was upset at her husband. The husband had told their 9-year-old son he was not allowed to watch TV for a 24-hour period as a consequence of his unacceptable behavior - in this case, leaving the TV on even though he was finished watching it and had left the room.<br /><br />The husband had come home from work the previous day and almost immediately checked to see what channel the TV was set to – turns out it was tuned into a kid’s network, so he knew right away his son had disobeyed him and watched TV when his viewing was supposed to be restricted. The father sat down with the boy and they talked about honesty, integrity, and respect for parents.<br /><br />The mother was incensed the father had "checked up" on the boy. I immediately responded by saying, "Well, that’s being a good parent!" I explained the father’s job is to take his boy and turn him into a man, and a responsible one at that. To do so, he had to use whatever was at his disposal to keep up with what the boy was doing, so he could continue to teach and lead his son into healthy, productive adulthood. I said the father did the right thing.<br /><br />The mother did stop and say, "I hadn’t looked at it that way."<br /><br />It seems like she spent a lot of time thinking about our exchange, and below are excerpts from an email I received from her shortly after:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>…I was so nervous about my call that I didn't get to thank you for your clarity…. Because of you, I was very aware of my "feelings," and that they may not be a reason to respond to this situation [sic]. Recognizing this allowed me to spend all night digesting what happened without saying a word, even though my feelings were to be 'Mother Bear' and overreact to the situation. This led to me calling you for your perspective.</em><br /><br /><em>You pointed out to me my husband was being a good parent. You are so right. He truly wants my son to succeed and grow to be a responsible MAN. It brings tears to my eyes thinking how terrible this situation could have played out had I indulged my 'feelings.'</em><br /><br /><em>Your wisdom has saved yet another crazy, emotional woman and spared my wonderful husband of thinking his wife and girlfriend doesn't give him the respect and support he deserves.</em><br /><br /><em>While I can’t thank you enough, rest assured I plan to completely thank my husband tonight!</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"> </p>Staff2015-04-06T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-932058847778890525.html2015-04-03T15:27:00Z2015-04-03T15:27:00Z<br />
<p><em>An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.</em><br /><br />- Unknown<br /><br /></p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/040315_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="399" /></p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2015-04-03T15:27:00ZWhy Marriages End in DivorceStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Marriages-End-in-Divorce/-860804420069460295.html2015-04-02T04:28:00Z2015-04-02T04:28:00Z<p><br /><br />The number one reason marriages end in divorce is because people don't choose wisely. They don't spend enough time knowing each other before they get married or do the due diligence that one might do on a car. <br /><br />Everything stems from that. If you haven't worked out in advance how money is going to be spent or who is going to work, finances are going to be a problem. If you are not on the same page about in-laws, children, or goals, you're setting yourself up for failure. Religious and cultural differences, which don't seem like a problem when you're dating, suddenly become a huge issue later, particularly when you have kids. <br /><br />If you don't practice communicating before you get married, you won't communicate when you are married. There won't be trust because you haven't built a foundation for it. Your spouse will become your enemy instead of your compatriot, and resentments and arguments will take the place of needs being met.<br /><br />Divorces are largely a result of grossly insufficient maturity and preparation. You need to really get to know the person you're marrying so as a couple, you don't bring insecurity, mistrust, hostility, and anger into the marriage. <br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/slideshow/040215_blog.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2015-04-02T04:28:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-805755405000128890.html2015-04-01T13:11:00Z2015-04-01T13:11:00Z<br /><br />Stay stuck or move forward? Your choice...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_040115.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-04-01T13:11:00ZMake Your Life Better in a MomentStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Make-Your-Life-Better-in-a-Moment/-411677510855858891.html2015-03-30T14:31:00Z2015-03-30T14:31:00Z<em>(originally published April 28, 2010)<br /><br /></em>
<p>How can your life be better in an instant?<br /><br />Believe it or not, I have the answer to that question.<br /><br />Think about something lousy you’re experiencing today. Frown.<br /><br />Now, think about something wonderful you’re experiencing today. Smile! At any one moment, you get to choose how you’re going to react.<br /><br />Here’s something to try:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Get together with a friend today, and talk ONLY about things that elevate both your souls and your spirits. No whining about your lives, no talking smack about other people, no complaining about relatives or politics. Just say the things that elevate both of you and your collective sense of well-being.</p>
<p>And guess what? Your life becomes better instantaneously.</p>Staff2015-03-30T14:31:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-981152678462199561.html2015-03-27T14:31:00Z2015-03-27T14:31:00Z<br />
<p><em>Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression.</em><br /><br />Haim Ginott<br />School teacher, child psychologist and a parent educator<br />1922–1973<br /><br /></p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/032715_quote.jpg" alt="" /></p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2015-03-27T14:31:00ZWhy Mothers- and Daughters-in-Law Don't Get AlongStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Mothers--and-Daughters-in-Law-Dont-Get-Along/-707299254801725679.html2015-03-26T07:01:00Z2015-03-26T07:01:00Z<div>
<p><br /><br />I was asked the other day, "Why do you think mothers- and daughters-in-law don't get along? What is the core problem?" <br /><br />Well, it's not a core problem so much as a reality. There's a woman in her 40s or 50s who has given birth to, taken care of, been responsible for, and loved her son. She has been the woman in his life for decades, when in comes a sub-princess half her age and not very mature (because nobody is at that age) ready to dethrone the queen. The princess feels threatened by the queen because the queen has been the matriarch. By the same token, the matriarch is looking down at a whippersnapper who doesn't have enough experience on the face of the Earth to deal on an equal level. <br /><br />The mother- and daughter-in-law can never be equal, nor should they strive to be. They can be warm and loving, but it's always going to be a hierarchy. That is the foundation of why there are problems and difficulties. It's not because there is an inherent problem or that somebody is bad, it's that the situation is bizarre. <br /><br />Why is it not the same for men and their sons? Because the father/son relationship doesn't change. Why is it not the same for men and their daughters? Because they didn't go buy tampons together. Furthermore, the son-in-law is not dethroning the king - the king is still the king to everybody. </p>
<p><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/032515_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /> </p>
<br /><ol> </ol></div>Staff2015-03-26T07:01:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-687001639176112626.html2015-03-25T15:10:00Z2015-03-25T15:10:00Z<br /><br />Dating advice...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_032515a.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-03-25T15:10:00ZMotivation from InsideStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Motivation-from-Inside/560670828842615134.html2015-03-23T16:19:00Z2015-03-23T16:19:00Z<em>(originally published March 31, 2010)</em><br />
<div><br /><br />
<p>I get many calls from people wanting to know how to motivate someone else to do something (usually something they don’t want to do, like giving up smoking or getting more physically active). </p>
<p>I recently came across an adorable and terrific study of about 51 kidlets between the ages of 3 and 4 who LOVE to draw (hang in there – there is a connection between the first paragraph and the results of this study):</p>
<p>Those conducting the study put the children in three groups.</p>
<ul>
<li>The first group was told they would get a certificate with a gold seal and ribbon if they took part in the project.</li>
<li>The second group was just given crayons.</li>
<li>The third group was the same as the second group, but they were given a surprise reward.</li>
</ul>
<p>Then they watched them draw independently for many days afterward (so they could check out the long-range effects of giving a reward. What they found was fascinating:</p>
<ol>
<li>The kids who were told in advance about the reward put less effort into their drawings and their interest in drawing waned.</li>
<li>The kids with no reward or a “surprise” reward kept their motivation steady and drew more than the first group.</li>
</ol>
<p>Bottom line? People tend to do things they enjoy and when they do so, they are <em>motivated from within</em>. When a reward is thrown into the equation, the motivation from <em>without</em> diminishes the motivation from <em>within</em>, because the reward itself becomes the motivation, and getting it (even by cheating or lying) becomes the goal. That’s why a lot of people don’t want to make money off their hobbies – they somehow recognize that if they <em>have</em> to do it, it will lose something in terms of the enjoyment of it. Motivation decreases and the process becomes painful. <em><strong>Play becomes “work” when we get paid.</strong></em></p>
<p>Normally, we separate work from play, and we do expect a salary for that work. But the things we simply enjoy need to stay in the realm of inner pleasure and motivation. We don’t work as hard at something when we <em><strong>have</strong></em> to get the reward. Our natural talent for self-regulation is upset and damaged when a reward system is put into place.</p>
<p>So, manipulations with reward may work very temporarily, but then they rob individuals of their own positive attitude about the activity.</p>
<p><strong><em>Encouragement</em></strong> is always the better technique, i.e., finding something wonderful to say about the person’s activity (on a philosophical level): <em>“Hey, it’s amazing how you can get into such a ‘Zen’ place and create out of thin air! That must feel wonderful!”</em></p>
<p>And as for the spouse situation with smoking, overeating, under-exercising, and not helping around the farm or house, try this: <em>“Honey, you looked so happy when you _________(e.g., didn’t grab for a cigarette).”</em> In other words, pick on one small half of an iota to feed back the pleasure concept. Keep it small or short, and then they might want to self-regulate in order to get that good feeling for themselves <em><strong>by</strong></em> themselves.</p>
<br /><ol> </ol></div>Staff2015-03-23T16:19:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/833744759676235621.html2015-03-20T16:05:00Z2015-03-20T16:05:00Z<br />
<p><em>Spring is nature’s way of saying, “Let’s party!” </em><br /><br />Robin Williams<br />Actor and comedian<br />1951-2014<br /><br /></p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/032015_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2015-03-20T16:05:00ZHow to Tell the Difference Between Love and FantasyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Tell-the-Difference-Between-Love-and-Fantasy/-537201459127377429.html2015-03-19T16:41:00Z2015-03-19T16:41:00Z<div><br /><br />Whenever someone says they're in love after just meeting their boyfriend or girlfriend, I know they're doomed. <strong>Love requires awe, admiration and respect</strong>, and you can't have awe, admiration and respect unless you actually know the other person. Otherwise, all you have is fantasy. <br /><br />The problem with fantasies is that once they become real, you end up feeling angry, betrayed, resentful, and let down. Why? Because you never took the time to find out who the other person really was - you just wanted them to be the embodiment of your fantasy. That is one of the reasons why there is so much rage involved in a lot of divorces - it's hard to stomach your fantasy being taken away by reality. Therefore, if you're a mature person, you have to realize that true love doesn't come from less than a year of dating someone. Instead, you have to think of your relationship as something unique and special that you're going to check out to make sure it's a reasonable match. <br /><br />For more on love vs. fantasy, read this OUTSTANDING article by Elad Nehorai: "<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elad-nehorai/i-didnt-love-my-wife_b_3908956.html" target="_blank">I Didn't Love My Wife When We Got Married</a>." <br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/031915_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br /><ol> </ol></div>Staff2015-03-19T16:41:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-982062201682588957.html2015-03-18T14:50:00Z2015-03-18T14:50:00Z<br /><br />A simple way to improve your marriage...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_031815.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-03-18T14:50:00ZThe Benefits of FlirtingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Benefits-of-Flirting/202655681870552220.html2015-03-16T07:00:00Z2015-03-16T07:00:00Z<em>(originally published February 18, 2010)</em><br />
<div><br /><br />I got a wonderful email from Sylvia, which I want to share with you all: <br /><br /><em>Dr. Laura: </em><br /><br /><em>This is a lesson my mother taught me, but I thought you would approve of her very good advice. </em><br /><br /><em>I am a southern “belle.” Though I have lived all over the world and do not possess the characteristic lilting southern drawl, I am, in fact, a belle through and through. When raised as a girl in the south, you learn (amongst other things) a true appreciation of the beauty and power of words. We southern girls are thoroughly schooled in the art and craft of words. We learn, very young, how to paint a picture with words. We learn to exploit the rhythm and cadence of language. We speak softly in order to draw in our listener (thus focusing all attention on ourselves). Really – who doesn’t like a whisper? We speak slowly, because anticipation makes everything more enjoyable. Really – who doesn’t like to be made to wait…just a little? </em><br /><br /><em>I will often send my husband an email designed to make the air around him stand still. I can still make his mouth water with just words. I can make his mind linger and dwell on me all day, with just a softly spoken sentence as he leaves for work in the morning. Sometimes, in the afternoon, I’ll call him up just to say “I was daydreaming about you just now. I was remembering how sweet you are and how you still make my heart beat faster.” This is not just some idle exercise. This is the ultimate investment in my family. This is what makes my husband anxious to get home to me, even after fifteen years. </em><br /><br /><em>Through flirting, I reap a harvest of sweetness, kindness, gentleness and playfulness. Flirting is a gift we give to each other. It keeps alive the sweetness and excitement of our early dating days. Flirting is like a gentle touch. It is stroking the ego of the one you love. It is titillation pure and simple. It is foreplay with words and humor. Flirting is the secret that all other women know. Flirting is the difference between “ho-hum” and “hot!” It is something you miss when it’s lacking and you often don’t even realize it. Flirting captures the mind, and where the mind goes, the body soon follows. </em><br /><br /><em>So ladies, flirt with your husband. Here, let me help you out: send an email to the one you love today and simply say “I thought of you today. I thought that if you were a book, then I would like to read you and re-read you, over and over again.” </em><br /><br /><em>You see, when you give sweetness, you get so much more back.</em><br /><ol> </ol></div>Staff2015-03-16T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/716413094243270594.html2015-03-13T14:06:00Z2015-03-13T14:06:00Z<br />
<p><em>To succeed, you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you, something to inspire you.</em><br /><br />Anthony "Tony" Drew Dorsett<br />former American football running back in the National Football League <br />1954 - </p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/031315_quote.jpg" alt="" /></p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2015-03-13T14:06:00ZHow to Silence Your Inner CriticStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Silence-Your-Inner-Critic/-273550180853666396.html2015-03-12T18:50:00Z2015-03-12T18:50:00Z<div><br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Talk back to the little voice in your head. </strong>When you start badmouthing yourself, have the strength to be louder. Tell yourself, "I may be off my game, but I am NOT dumb, fat, ugly, or unlovable."</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Don't blow things out of proportion.</strong> Don't take a small kernel of reasonable doubt and make it apocalyptic.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Find out where your inner critic is coming from.</strong> Most of the time, your inner critic comes from one of your parents. They could be dead for years, but you still have them in your head telling you that you're not good enough. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Stand up for yourself. </strong>There are times to walk away, and there are times to take care of business. Pulling in your head like a frightened turtle will not make you feel better. </li>
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<li><strong>Remember, everyone makes mistakes and has imperfections.</strong> You may be standing there feeling stupid about something you said or did, but chances are, you are the only one thinking about it. In fact, they are all probably wondering the same thing about themselves. </li>
</ol><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/031215_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="359" /><br /><br /><ol> </ol></div>Staff2015-03-12T18:50:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-4395246555633181.html2015-03-11T07:00:00Z2015-03-11T07:00:00Z<br /><br />As a parent, your actions affect more than yourself...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_031215.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-03-11T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-69179403840215937.html2015-03-06T08:00:00Z2015-03-06T08:00:00Z<br />
<p><em>If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?</em><br /><br />John Wooden<br />American basketball player and coach<br />1910 - 2010<br /><br />Don't forget to turn your clocks forward this weekend for Daylight Saving Time.</p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/030615_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="480" /></p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2015-03-06T08:00:00ZWhy You Think You Have Fallen Out of LoveStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-You-Think-You-Have-Fallen-Out-of-Love/410192556884457953.html2015-03-05T08:00:00Z2015-03-05T08:00:00Z<div><br /><br />Many people believe that the success of their marriage is determined by what their spouse says or does. <br /><br />Wrong!<br /><br />The number one reason people "fall out of love" is because they can't sustain the butterflies, ecstasy, hysteria, and desire of the beginning of the relationship. It's not because "We don't have anything in common" or "We grew apart." Nobody "grows apart" - they stop paying attention. <br /><br />Love is not something that just happens to you. <strong>True love comes from a genuine desire to bring joy to your spouse</strong> and offer kindness and support in ways that feel loving to him or her. You obviously need a loving partner, but ultimately YOU have to own your responsibility. <br /><br />Nobody gets <em>completed</em> by another person because "completing" has nothing to do with it. It's all about giving, loving, and supporting.<br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/030515_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br /><ol> </ol></div>Staff2015-03-05T08:00:00ZChildren Today Are Overly Anxious and DepressedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Children-Today-Are-Overly-Anxious-and-Depressed/-540942048029674949.html2015-03-02T16:08:00Z2015-03-02T16:08:00Z<em>(originally published January 20, 2010)</em><br />
<div><br /><br />There's a study out from San Diego State University saying children and young adults today are the most anxious and depressed of the last seventy years.<br /><br />I'm not surprised at all. Having too many choices is chaos. Morals and values have been sacrificed in favor of infamy and fortune. When sports heroes are infamous and rich because they took drugs to increase their performance, that is demoralizing to kids who work hard to aspire to athletic greatness simply by practicing a lot. When other young people get famous for flaunting drugs and anti-social behavior, it makes it difficult for the kids who simply work hard.<br /><br />When you have a major Hollywood producer/director putting together a movie to excuse and explain Hitler (in context, he says), you have a generation that has no clear understanding of evil.<br /><br />When you have military dying in the fields of foreign countries because we are at war with a religious ideology that wants to terminate western civilization, and one of their combatants is caught and tried only as a common criminal, you have a generation that is confused.<br /><br />When you have a culture that does not support the basic building block of education – the family – we have children turning to equally confused peers and pop culture.<br /><br />When the people in positions of power, authority and fame turn out to be of little character, you have a generation that doesn’t know what to respect or whom to emulate.<br /><br />It all matters.<br /><br />Our kids pay the price.<br /><ol> </ol></div>Staff2015-03-02T16:08:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/232851699861136975.html2015-02-27T17:02:00Z2015-02-27T17:02:00Z<br />
<p><em>Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.</em><br /><br />Abraham Lincoln<br />16th President of the United States<br />1809-1865<br /><br /></p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2015-02-27T17:02:00ZWhen Positive Thinking Is a Bad ThingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-Positive-Thinking-Is-a-Bad-Thing/-79722016326887436.html2015-02-26T08:01:00Z2015-02-26T08:01:00Z<div><br /><br />A little bit of salt adds flavor, but pour in too much, and it spoils the soup. Similarly, positive thinking in its time, place, and magnitude is a good thing, but too much of it can be bad. <br /><br />Positive thinking affords you energy, motivation, and initiative. But if you're always Mary Poppins positive, then you ignore reality. The real world doesn't function by your prayers and wishful thinking. <strong>Things don't somehow magically get better or go away because you will them to.</strong> You have to deal with life in a more constructive way. If you don't start piling sandbags, the water is going to overflow the levy. <br /><br />The downside of excessive positive thinking is less about the positivity and more about being ignorant. <strong>You have to think about negative consequences. You have to prepare for the best and worst possible outcomes. You have to accept when things are going in the wrong direction. You can't be delusional, overlook the odds, or ignore serious impediments.</strong> You need a more balanced way of looking at things. <br /><br />A little bit of anxiousness and nervousness jumpstarts you. It encourages you to put forth your best effort because you usually don't get into gear until it looks like you damn well better. <br /><br />We hear all the time, "Everything will be OK." Why? Because you said so? I'm not going to relax on "it's all going to be OK" when you don't know that or have the power to ensure it. When people tell you that you have nothing to worry about, ignore them. <strong>Everything doesn't happen for the best - in fact, a lot of bad things happen that weren't for the best of anything. </strong><br /><br />So you can have dreams, but be rational, and then work hard to achieve them. The implementation of what you dream requires consistent hard work, determination, and discipline. And realize that sometimes <strong>your ability to turn lemons into lemonade is more a statement about YOU than positive thinking. </strong><br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/022615_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br /><ol> </ol></div>Staff2015-02-26T08:01:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/435884959439084500.html2015-02-25T15:26:00Z2015-02-25T15:26:00Z<br /><br />Are your parents using you? Would you do that to your children?<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_022515.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-02-25T15:26:00ZVideo: My Husband Has Been Laid OffStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-My-Husband-Has-Been-Laid-Off/660776737329663711.html2015-02-24T22:02:00Z2015-02-24T22:02:00Z<p><br />How can a wife support her man after he's been laid off and is having a tough time finding another job? Watch: <br /><br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/0O24zU_Sd2c" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2015-02-24T22:02:00ZThere's No Growth Without Some PainStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Theres-No-Growth-Without-Some-Pain/-313187347157448660.html2015-02-23T14:06:00Z2015-02-23T14:06:00Z<em>(originally published January 21, 2010)</em><br />
<div><br /><br />Guilt and longing are two very human emotions that often blend into a desperate glue that keeps people stuck in situations they ought not to be in. Whether it is with family, friends or a prospective spouse, trust that small, smart voice inside of you which repeats the mantra you try to ignore: <em>"This is destructive or dangerous. Let it go or get out."</em><br /><br />Decent people feel guilty about pulling away from a relationship because "it will hurt the other person's feelings," and decent people just cringe at the idea of causing another emotional pain. That's nice, but <em><strong>guilt</strong></em> is a cue that what you're doing is <em>wrong</em>, not that what you're doing is something somebody else just doesn't want or like. There is no intent to hurt in this situation. There is only the intent to preserve one's own emotional and physical safety and/or well-being.<br /><br />Longing is a natural condition – i.e., wanting something to be right and good because you've invested in it, and because it is a good thing to want: a great, happy, healthy, mutually fulfilling relationship is always a blessing. However, when that is clearly <em><strong>not</strong></em> the case, then withdrawing is the healthiest and, therefore, right thing to do. It is difficult for people to give up their dreams, but you have to remember that the <strong><em>dream</em></strong> is not the problem. The current <em>object</em> of that dream is the problem. Take your dream and plant it where it can actually grow well.<br /><br />Remember, there is no growth without discomfort or outright pain. Consider growing pains of the emotional sort just a natural course of events as you mature, and make wise decisions.<br /> <br />Choose wisely; treat kindly. Treating kindly won’t work if you haven’t chosen wisely.<br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/022315_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="575" /><br /><ol> </ol></div>Staff2015-02-23T14:06:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/152977168213656129.html2015-02-13T16:56:00Z2015-02-13T16:56:00Z<br />
<p><em>Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own.</em><br /><br />H. Jackson Brown, Jr.<br />American author<br />1940 - <br /><br /></p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2015-02-13T16:56:00ZShowing Your Spouse AppreciationStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Showing-Your-Spouse-Appreciation/-791810754889395344.html2015-02-12T08:00:00Z2015-02-12T08:00:00Z<div><br /><br />Do you know how many times per day you show appreciation to someone you barely know? For example, a stranger holds the door open for you at the store, and you say, "Thank you!" But when your husband or wife does a million little things all day for you, they don't even get so much as a thank you. <br /><br />When we do an analysis of what causes the most unhappiness in marriages, it's not lack of sex - it's feeling underappreciated and unnoticed. Most of us are only good at noticing what irritates and annoys us (and even better at commenting on it). Which is why your husband or wife doesn't want to come by and kiss you on the cheek or do something nice for you - they're not motivated. <br /><br />The biggest difference in the quality of a relationship is when a couple notices and expresses sincere gratitude for the little things they do for each other. Because when your actions are noticed and appreciated, you feel valued and encouraged instead of taken for granted.<br /><br />So, <strong>for every criticism, give five compliments.</strong> Watch how motivated your spouse is to be different, more attentive, and more loving. If it doesn't work immediately, keep working at it. Sometimes people have a hard time believing that you suddenly got nice and it's going to last.<br /><br /><img src="/images/slideshow/021215_blog.jpg" alt="" width="445" height="640" /><br /><ol> </ol></div>Staff2015-02-12T08:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-581154847984117112.html2015-02-11T15:26:00Z2015-02-11T15:26:00Z<br /><br />When's the last time you checked to see if you were on the right path?<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_021115.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-02-11T15:26:00ZVideo: My Friend Got My Kid DrunkStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-My-Friend-Got-My-Kid-Drunk/-910544076797892941.html2015-02-10T20:59:00Z2015-02-10T20:59:00Z<p><br />What should you do if a friend or family member allows or encourages your child to engage in bad behavior, such as underage drinking? Watch: <br /><br /><br /><iframe height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/xcHr4w313h4" frameborder="0" width="560"></iframe></p>Staff2015-02-10T20:59:00ZApologizing Long After the OffenseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Apologizing-Long-After-the-Offense/453970126670858094.html2015-02-09T16:02:00Z2015-02-09T16:02:00Z<em>(originally published January, 2010)</em><br />
<div><br /><br />Lately, I’ve been asked quite often by callers if it is "okay" to apologize to someone for a wrongdoing even years after the offense. I can understand why that question might be asked. It can feel a bit embarrassing to have to face someone and face up to what you've done. It is worrisome that they might not be gracious about your apology. It is possible that they might "lay into you." It may be that they say "You caused me so much grief and pain that I can’t forgive you." They might not even be willing to talk to you. Or, they might say, with tears, "Thank you. That means a lot to me."<br /><br />It IS a big risk to take. But the most valued things in life do come with a big risk attached. That's part of what gives them value.<br /><br />You must remember, however, whatever <em>their</em> response might be, you are doing the apology not to wipe the slate clean (damage is damage, and some never goes away), but because true repentance requires you do what it takes to repair the damage. That includes the sincere...<strong><em>sincere</em></strong>...apology. None of that "if you were hurt, then I’m sorry" nonsense. That is pure annoyance! <br /><br />So, if you truly have remorse (and are not just trying to manipulate someone into a situation which benefits you), then apologize...<strong><em>anytime</em></strong>...and tolerate their first and maybe second unpleasant reaction. <br /><br />Seeds take time to germinate, and coping with an apology means the whole thing is brought up again in their minds. Be patient and understanding. While they may never forgive you, know that you still did the right thing.<br /><br /><ol> </ol><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/newsletter/020915_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="400" /></div>Staff2015-02-09T16:02:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-496061981822066432.html2015-02-06T17:50:00Z2015-02-06T17:50:00Z<br />
<p><em>In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.</em><br /><br />Albert Camus<br />French Algerian author and philosopher <br />Winner of the Nobel Prize for Literature, 1957 <br />1913-1960<br /><br /></p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2015-02-06T17:50:00ZHow to Teach Kids Good BehaviorStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Teach-Kids-Good-Behavior/-414736916710361783.html2015-02-05T08:01:00Z2015-02-05T08:01:00Z<br />
<div><br />Even though kids come into the world with different propensities of personalities, for the most part we can teach them good behavior. Here's how:<br /><ol>
<li><strong>Spend time with your kids. </strong>We hear all the time that it's quality time, not quantity time that matters, but that's dead wrong. Parenting actually requires you to be there. If both Mom and Dad have full-time jobs and a bunch of hobbies, friends, family, and other commitments, they will frankly be sucky parents because they don't have the time or patience for their children. The relationship you have with your child is the most important teaching tool, and when there's a warm, sensitive, strong, day-to-day leadership position from you, your kids will tend to not be pains in the butt because they are truly, deeply happy. </li>
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<li><strong>Give encouragement and lots of affection.</strong> Praise your kids, give rewards for good behavior, and pay extra attention when they do something right. If your child has earned something, make a big deal about it at the dinner table. Children who experience highs at home aren't going to want to get high with their buddies. Sadly, many parents only pay attention when their kid does something wrong, and then they give them hell. How would you feel if you only got feedback when you screwed up?</li>
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<li><strong>Be kind, but be firm.</strong> You are not your child's pal or friend. That doesn't mean you're not warm, loving, and playful, but you do have to be firm. </li>
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<li>Unless harmful or dangerous, <strong>ignore some of the small things that really don't matter</strong> and focus on the bigger things. </li>
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<li><strong>Be consistent. </strong>This is where a lot of parents fall by the wayside. Sometimes they follow through; sometimes they don't. All that tells a kid is that they can probably get away with something. </li>
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<li>Correct your child as soon as the bad behavior occurs. </li>
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<li>Remember that <strong>rules are best for kids who are school-aged.</strong> When kids aren't school-aged, they don't really understand the concept of rules. When you say, "You're not supposed to do that," they just look at you like, "Huh?". </li>
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<li>Make it clear that even though <strong>you don't like their behavior, you don't hate them.</strong> Never call your child names. If you do that, they will turn to their peers. </li>
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<li><strong>Have a sense of humor.</strong> Just remember, the ultimate payback is someday when they have kids who drive them nuts. </li>
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</div>Staff2015-02-05T08:01:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-395037355136736654.html2015-02-04T15:43:00Z2015-02-04T15:43:00Z<br /><br />Friendship is more than being a 'yes man'...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_020415.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-02-04T15:43:00ZVideo: I'm Not Dating Until My Child Is 18Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Im-Not-Dating-Until-My-Child-Is-18/186205630570996578.html2015-02-03T22:23:00Z2015-02-03T22:23:00Z<p><br />If you're a parent who has decided not to date until your child is no longer a minor, how should you respond to people's questions regarding this decision? Watch: <br /><br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/G-xQ4zgvl1M" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2015-02-03T22:23:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-53618937612633324.html2015-01-23T16:30:00Z2015-01-23T16:30:00Z<br />
<p><em>Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.</em><br /><br />George S. Patton, Jr.<br />United States Army general<br />1885-1945<br /><br /></p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2015-01-23T16:30:00ZConquering Self-DoubtStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Conquering-Self-Doubt/-520465655794509772.html2015-01-22T08:01:00Z2015-01-22T08:01:00Z<br />
<div><br /><br />As you probably know from listening to my show, I play pool. Pool is not a game that you can just play. You have to be in the right mindset. You have to turn your mind and body over to it, and be loose and relaxed. But of course, every once in a while, a negative, itinerant thought creeps into your head: <br /><br /><em>I don't think I'm going to make this shot. </em><br /><br />The minute you say that to yourself, you miss the shot because your body goes, "Oh she said we are going to miss, so we must not have aimed correctly. We have to change that." So your body, like an alien creature, changes everything simply because you told yourself that you weren't going to make it. <br /><br />Self-doubt is incredibly strong and powerful because <strong>negativity creates reality and becomes belief.</strong> The question is, how do you conquer it? <br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Acknowledge that YOU are perpetuating the negativity.</strong> If you think you suck at something, you are going to suck. If you are adamant that people won't like you, they won't like you because you will come across as standoffish. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. </li>
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<li><strong>Identify the source.</strong> Look at your history - where does the negativity come from? Were your parents critical? Were they perfectionists? Etc.</li>
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<li><strong>Recognize the circumstances.</strong> Are there certain situations where the negativity is more likely to pop up? </li>
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<li><strong>Trust your I.Q., not your feelings.</strong> Emotions are more powerful than reality, belief, and truth - they trump everything. You have to stop with the emotions and ask yourself rationally, "Is it really true that I can't do this?". The answer is probably no. </li>
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<li><strong>Think of self-doubt as a speed bump.</strong> It's only a temporary condition. It rattles and jostles you, but you can get over it.</li>
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<li><strong>Have a support system. </strong>It really helps to have someone who can drown out your inner critic, even if you only believe them for five minutes. It lets you relax, which allows your mind and body to get in gear.</li>
</ol><br /><br /><strong><img src="/images/blog/012215_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br /></strong></div>Staff2015-01-22T08:01:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/244902657912527838.html2015-01-21T16:25:00Z2015-01-21T16:25:00Z<br /><br />We seem to believe there's a quick solution to everything, but...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_012115.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2015-01-21T16:25:00ZThere's No Growth Without Some PainStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Theres-No-Growth-Without-Some-Pain/886069629824101145.html2015-01-19T17:05:00Z2015-01-19T17:05:00Z<em>(originally published January 21, 2010)</em><br /><br />
<div><br />Guilt and longing are two very human emotions that often blend into a desperate glue that keeps people stuck in situations they ought not to be in. Whether it is with family, friends or a prospective spouse, trust that small, smart voice inside of you which repeats the mantra you try to ignore: <em>"This is destructive or dangerous. Let it go or get out."</em><br /><br />Decent people feel guilty about pulling away from a relationship because "it will hurt the other person's feelings," and decent people just cringe at the idea of causing another emotional pain. That's nice, but <em><strong>guilt</strong></em> is a cue that what you're doing is <em>wrong</em>, not that what you're doing is something somebody else just doesn't want or like. There is no intent to hurt in this situation. There is only the intent to preserve one's own emotional and physical safety and/or well-being.<br /><br />Longing is a natural condition - i.e., wanting something to be right and good because you've invested in it, and because it is a good thing to want: a great, happy, healthy, mutually fulfilling relationship is always a blessing. However, when that is clearly <em><strong>not</strong></em> the case, then withdrawing is the healthiest and, therefore, right thing to do. It is difficult for people to give up their dreams, but you have to remember that the <strong><em>dream</em></strong> is not the problem. The current object of that dream is the problem. Take your dream and plant it where it can actually grow well.<br /><br />Remember, there is no growth without discomfort or outright pain. Consider growing pains of the emotional sort just a natural course of events as you mature, and make wise decisions. Choose wisely; treat kindly. Treating kindly won't work if you haven't chosen wisely. <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/011915_blog.jpg" alt="" width="533" height="600" /><strong><br /></strong></div>Staff2015-01-19T17:05:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-322039896398771085.html2015-01-16T16:19:00Z2015-01-16T16:19:00Z<br />
<p><em>Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.</em><br /><br />Martin Luther King, Jr.<br />Pastor, activist, humanitarian<br />Leader in the African-American Civil Rights Movement<br />1929-1968<br /><br /></p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2015-01-16T16:19:00ZAre You Really Ready to Date AgainStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Are-You-Really-Ready-to-Date-Again/652206060626454032.html2015-01-15T17:55:00Z2015-01-15T17:55:00Z<br /><br />
<div>Here are eight warning signs that you are <strong>NOT</strong> ready for a relationship: <br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>You keep ending up with the wrong type of guy or gal.</strong> If your dating life is playing out like a broken record, repeatedly snagging on the same kind of loser, then it's time to face the music and take a good long look at yourself. </li>
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<li><strong>Your motivation for being in a relationship is that you can't stand being alone.</strong> If you can't stand being with you, then nobody decent is going to want to be with you either. </li>
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<li><strong>You need someone else to feel happy.</strong> Even the most well-adjusted people feel miserable from time to time, but if you require someone else to be your source of happiness and entertainment, that's not going to fly for very long. </li>
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<li><strong>You have a savior complex.</strong> People seek out dysfunctional partners to fix because a) they want to feel superior to them, b) they want to feel needed, or c) they like drama. But whatever the reason, if you see your role in a relationship as a therapist or 42-step program, you should take a break from dating. </li>
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<li><strong>You're looking for someone to rescue you. </strong>If you search for someone to rescue you, you will either attract a partner who has a savior complex or one who has the same problems that you do. And just as misery loves company, misery plus misery doubles the misery. </li>
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<li><strong>You're desperate. </strong>Spending your time frequenting bars or Internet sites trying to find someone isn't healthy. Frantic desperation only breeds more problems. If you want to meet people, do things and go places that you would do or go to anyway. That way, you'll meet people with similar interests. </li>
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<li><strong>You're still dealing with the emotional scars from a past relationship.</strong> You are not the way you are because of a past relationship, and if you really are carrying around that much baggage, you shouldn't be dating. </li>
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<li><strong>You're trying to be something you're not.</strong> If you're twisting yourself like a pretzel to become more like what the people you're dating want, that's not love - that's a sickness. </li>
</ol><br /><img src="/images/blog/011515_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="400" /><strong><br /></strong></div>Staff2015-01-15T17:55:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-56732865687685788.html2015-01-09T17:10:00Z2015-01-09T17:10:00Z<br />
<p><em>The more decisions that you are forced to make alone, the more you are aware of your freedom to choose.</em><br /><br />Thornton Wilder<br />Pulitzer Prize-winning American playwright and author<br />1897 - 1975<br /><br /></p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2015-01-09T17:10:00Z9 Simple Steps to Being HappierStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/9-Simple-Steps-to-Being-Happier/-588882192473088119.html2015-01-08T08:00:00Z2015-01-08T08:00:00Z<br /><br />
<div>The truth is, nobody walks around feeling happy all of the time. There's always going to be an ache, pain, fear, threat, or challenge. Plus, some of us are inherently happier than others based on our genetics and upbringings. However, these factors only account for roughly 60 percent of our total happiness. The other 40 percent of how happy you can be is completely in your hands, if you follow these <strong><a href="http://www.realsimple.com/health/mind-mood/emotional-health/10-ways-happier" target="_blank">nine simple steps</a>:</strong> <br /><ol>
<li><strong>Sleep and eat.</strong> These are two things that can instantly make you feel happier. When you're not running on empty, you don't feel jittery or exhausted.</li>
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<li><strong>Don't wallow in your anger.</strong> The longer you sit ruminating on how angry you are about something, the more you exacerbate your state of mind and amplify your negative feelings. Instead, voice your frustration, and then take a five-minute walk to calm down. </li>
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<li><strong>Fake it 'til you make it.</strong> Smile even when you're feeling miserable.<br /> Simply pretending to be happy causes you to behave in ways that actually make you happy. </li>
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<li><strong>Challenge yourself. </strong>Our brains thrive on dealing with the unexpected. That's why people who try new things tend to be happier. </li>
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<li><strong>Don't "treat yourself".</strong> Say no to that pint of ice cream, cigarette, or entire bottle of wine. </li>
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<li><strong>Buy some happiness.</strong> Spend money on something that will further your ability to be in contact with family and friends, promote your health, work more efficiently, eliminate stress and irritation, help important causes, or have enlarging experiences. </li>
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<li><strong>Let "good enough" be good enough.</strong> People who have an "it's good enough" mentality are happier than people who examine every micron of every option of every decision. </li>
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<li><strong>Exercise.</strong> Exercise is one of the most dependable mood-boosters because it increases all of the hormones that make you feel better. Even a brisk 10-minute walk can change your attitude. </li>
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<li><strong>Stop nagging.</strong> Many people (especially women) think that if they cease nagging, the world will come to a screeching halt or that nothing will get done ever again. But it's just the opposite. Nagging diminishes productivity and increases your misery. </li>
<br /> </ol><br /><img src="/images/blog/010815_blog.jpg" alt="" width="457" height="600" /><strong><br /></strong></div>Staff2015-01-08T08:00:00ZSurviving InfidelityStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Surviving-Infidelity/-787367672440232056.html2015-01-05T15:27:00Z2015-01-05T15:27:00Z<em>(originally published March 26, 2012)</em><br /><br /><br />Did you know approximately 3% of all kids are the product of infidelities? A lot of the time, the dads don't even know. Most of these kids are unknowingly raised by men who are not their bio-dads, but they are going to be their fathers, if everything holds together. Interestingly, yet sadly, infidelity is becoming more common among people under 30 and many experts believe this increase in cheating is due to greater opportunity and young people developing the habit of having sexual partner after sexual partner after sexual partner. That gets to be a habit too.<br /><br />Statistically more men are likely to cheat than women. But, as women become more financially independent, they are certainly catching up. Money is one of the key factors in this. Wow.<br /><br />Emotionally, it is possible to have feelings for more than one person at a time. But pragmatically, you can't be loving two people at one time. As more and more women enter the work force, "office romances" are getting more common because spouses are spending more time with coworkers than they are with their own spouses. You've got the Internet, you've got e-mail, you've got chat rooms...well that's the beginning of fooling around. And most infidelities involve <em>physical <strong>and</strong> emotional betrayal</em>. Read more at: <a href="http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/stats-about-infidelity.html" target="_blank">Facts and Statistics About Infidelity</a><span> <br /><br /></span>So one of the things I want to comment on is the discovery of infidelity since I hear that way too often on my radio program. The pain and shock of finding out your spouse has fooled around on you is one of life's most traumatic events. It's seriously a punch in the gut. So it should not be surprising it takes years for couples to repair a relationship after infidelity comes to light. <br /><br />Here are some things to keep in mind about surviving infidelity, because many couples are able to recover and most of the time develop an even stronger relationship:<br /><br />
<ul>
<li>More intimacy</li>
<li>More closeness (because it put a bomb in the middle of the relationship and repairing it, there had to be a lot more attention then perhaps both were giving to the relationship). </li>
<li>A lot more giving, and a lot more interest, it's an awakening for many relationships. By the way, I wouldn't recommend infidelity as a technique for awakening your relationship in order to reboot it.</li>
</ul>
<br />What makes the difference between those who can get past it and those who can't? Early on in the relationship, was the quality of the relationship really, really, really good? I don't mean way in the beginning when you both were just ga-ga, but for years was it good? If that's a "yes" then we can lean on that. "We were once like that." If we don't have a time like that, it's less likely the relationship's going to work. <br /><br />Are both people committed to making it work? Is everybody going to be open and in counseling with the right person? The first thing you should ask when you go to a marriage counselor is how many times they've been divorced or what percentage of their clients get divorced after marriage counseling, because it's important to know that. Some counselors have positivity, some counselors have negativity - and they don't even realize it. We need to know, because we've really got to get to what the underlying problem is. <br /><br />The underlying problem can be all sorts of things:<br /><br /><strong>Boredom</strong> - For the most part if nobody has some deep-seated problem, boredom comes from two people just not paying attention to the relationship. And when you meet somebody new, excitement starts up again and you believe "Oh, this is better than that." It isn't, but it feels that way and some people find it easier just to go into what's exciting than to make their relationship less boring. Everything can get boring...everything.<br /><br /><strong>Too much happening</strong> - Some people get into affairs when there's a whole lot of stuff going on, and they just lose their way. It's like losing your way into a bottle of alcohol; you're losing your way into somebody else's arms - it's the same behavior. So it doesn't really have to do with the quality of the marriage; it has to do with that person just having a total meltdown. <br /><br /><strong>Disrespect</strong> - One obvious reason they're cheating is because when you were dating there was cheating and you forgave it. When you were engaged there was cheating and you forgave it. When you first got married there was cheating and you forgave it. When you had your first kid there was cheating and...need I say more? Because when you repetitively forgive a cheater, that person now respects you less -- they know they can get away with it, you'll continue to take them back. <br /><br /><strong>Revenge</strong> - Some people have an affair just to hurt the other person because they've been hurt in some other way. Some people are in marriages where they're been taken for granted and they wonder if they're still attractive. One way to solve that is to get your hair cut, put on some makeup and find other ways somebody is turned on to you. <br /><br /><strong>Thrills</strong> - Some people just enjoy the thrill of cheating. They're sociopaths. They like running around secretly, risking getting caught, creating thrilling moments, forbidden romance...some people just get off on being bad and you're not going to fix that. But if the underlying problem does not get addressed, the cheating will likely happen again because the problem's not been solved that lead to it. And serial cheating...forget about it; don't even try.<br /><br />The initial shock of discovering an affair creates tremendous uncertainty and depression, anger, shame, obsessive thoughts, dwelling on the details of the affair, inability to concentrate, and a desire to monitor that person's every move.<br /><br />And at this point, giving advice to that individual is typically not useful because people are so emotionally distraught they can't think clearly, they don't make decisions that are in their best interest, and they shouldn't be making decisions. When feelings become less intense and less intrusive, it's really important to talk about it with somebody who won't judge it (and that's hard to come by), but will just let you vent because you're just going to have to vent, vent and vent. Unfortunately the person you can't vent with is the person who hurt you because that'll just create a defensive reaction - denial, shifting the blame, or withdrawal. <br /><br />Sharing feelings with someone who is not willing (or able) to listen makes your bad feelings worse. So support groups, individual counseling, family or friends who don't get too excited (you know, because a lot of them will go "let's just kill him/her") may help. <br /><br />Now if both parties decide they want to try and save the marriage, that next phase is probably the most <em>difficult</em>, because people generally lack insight into their own behaviors and if they do not understand why they cheated, they often do not want to disclose this information to a spouse, thinking it'll cause more problems. But they've got to identify it. This is really important.<br /><br />But here's the kicker: when you get to that point and you're willing to acknowledge what's inside your head, heart and life, you really need to work with your spouse as a team. "How can we approach this?" That gives the victim a sense of power and participation. It's very good when you start becoming a team. You can read more: <a href="http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/recovery-and-repair/surviving-infidelity.html" target="_blank">Dealing with the Discovery of Infidelity</a> <span> <br /><br /></span>Now what about the ugly details? There are different schools of thought. I think the basic details like time and place (and not intimate, nitty-gritty, vulgar details) are enough. So hiding how you spent the money, where you went, how you did this, the kids, whatever...you're going to have to come clean with all of that. But please, don't be describing positions and stuff like that. Don't. But you've got to agree to be open. You have to. <br /><ol> </ol>
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<div><strong><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/010515_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br /></strong></div>Staff2015-01-05T15:27:00ZWhy It's Important to Eat with Your KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Its-Important-to-Eat-with-Your-Kids/195216342160124948.html2014-12-22T08:00:00Z2014-12-22T08:00:00Z<br /><br />Some years back, I remember a television actor making a public service announcement suggesting parents have dinner with their kids maybe once or twice a week. I was flabbergasted - there actually had to be a public service announcement to tell people this?! <br /><br />Then I realized that in our society, we probably do. The notion of home and hearth, and meals with your own kids are becoming less and less the portrait of America. <br /><br />According to a <a href="http://www.menuplanningcentral.com/articles/family-dinner.html" target="_blank">study</a>, "The average parent spends 38.5 minutes per week in meaningful conversation with his or her child." <br /><br />Let me repeat that: <em>Only 38.5 minutes in an entire week!</em><br /><br />By simply eating dinner together each night and making an effort to talk to your kids, you can quadruple that number. You'll get to know your kids. Isn't that the point of having a family? <br /><br />According to Harvard research, "Family dinners are more important than play, story time, and other family events in the development of a child's vocabulary." The dinner table is the social center of families, so it is no wonder that's where our kids learn to talk. It gives them "real live" demos and practice in speech and social interactions.<br /><br />Archives of<em> Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine</em> show that frequent family meals are associated with "a lower risk of smoking, drinking, pot use, depressive symptoms, and suicidal thoughts. Kids between the ages of 11 and 18 also get better grades." Wow. All of that is helped just by having dinner every night with your kids?!<br /><br />The archives also reveal that family meals are "related to better nutritional intake and decreased risk for unhealthy weight control practices. Families eating meals together 'every day' generally consume higher amounts of important nutrients [such as] calcium, fiber, iron, vitamins B6, B12, C, and E, and consume less overall fat compared to families who 'never' or 'only sometimes' eat meals together." This is probably because mommy cooked dinner. <br /><br />Additionally, The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University found that "the more often teenagers have dinner with their parents, the less time they spend with boyfriends or girlfriends, and the less they are going to be sexually active." Not only do your kids have less time to hang out, but having a really good relationship with you makes them less likely to search for closeness by becoming sexually active. This is why you see a lot of young sexual activity in divorced families where mommy decided she didn't need a man.<br /><br />A study conducted by the University of Minnesota also showed "adolescent girls who have frequent family meals, and a positive atmosphere during those meals, are less likely to have eating disorders." When I read that, I couldn't help but be reminded of my own family. During my last couple years of high school, I went down the anorexia path. We had dinner every night as a family, but it was a nightmare because my mom and dad were always angry about something. The atmosphere at dinner was not pleasant. So, it's not just being at home that makes the difference. You have to make family dinners a good experience. <br /><br />Another <a href="http://www.casacolumbia.org/upload/2011/2011922familydinnersVII.pdf" target="_blank">survey</a> asked kids, "What's the most important part of the dinner?" What do you think their answers were? The food? No! 54 percent said the important part of dinner was sharing, catching up, talking, and interacting. <br /><br />The surveyors also asked teens, "Would you say your parents regularly make time to check-in with you and find out what's happening with you or not?" Compared to teens who have frequent family dinners, teens who have infrequent family dinners were almost two-and-a-half times more likely to report that their parents don't bother to check-in with them. Teens who have frequent family dinners are twice as likely to spend 21 hours or more per week (an average of at least 3 hours per day) with their parents.<br /><br />The bottom line? Your family structure and dynamic affects your kids, especially at dinnertime. <br /><ol> </ol>
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<div><strong><img style="display: block; margin-left: NaNpx; margin-right: NaNpx;" src="/images/blog/122214_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="350" /><br /></strong></div>Staff2014-12-22T08:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-617333719662772382.html2014-12-19T08:00:00Z2014-12-19T08:00:00Z<br />
<p><em>May you have the gladness of Christmas which is hope;</em><br /><em>The spirit of Christmas which is peace;</em><br /><em>The heart of Christmas which is love.</em><br /><br /><br />- Ada V. Hendricks<br /><br /></p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-12-19T08:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/107105514087664532.html2014-12-17T23:01:00Z2014-12-17T23:01:00Z<br /><br />Remember when you were flirting and being sweet?...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_121714_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-12-17T23:01:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-741655567444017027.html2014-12-12T17:21:00Z2014-12-12T17:21:00Z<br /><em>Snowmen fall from heaven...unassembled.</em><br /><br />Author unknown<br />
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-12-12T17:21:00ZHow to Step Out of Your Comfort ZoneStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Step-Out-of-Your-Comfort-Zone/162879690787094203.html2014-12-11T22:55:00Z2014-12-11T22:55:00Z<br /><br />Refusing to leave your comfort zone is normally how you get stuck in life. Here's how to break free: <br /><br /><ol>
<li><strong>Be aware of what your comfort zone is.</strong> What makes you uncomfortable? Approaching people? Doing something physical? Taking a difficult class? Being ignored or sounding stupid? You need to get clarity on the things you're trying to overcome in order to overcome them.</li>
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<li><strong>Start sneaking into your discomfort zone.</strong> Do something that is the total opposite of you. If you're an artsy-craftsy type of person, try something hardcore like climbing a mountain. If you're scared to break up with someone because you're afraid of being alone, face the discomfort so you can learn to be in a relationship out of desire, not desperation. <strong>Don't do what you think you'll be able to do -</strong> do what makes you think to yourself, "I can't do this; I must be out of my mind." <strong>Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.</strong> </li>
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<li><strong>See failure as a learning experience.</strong> The most successful people will all tell you the same thing - their magnitude of success is directly proportional to how many times they've failed. Failure is the only way we really learn. Unsuccessful people experience a hint of failure and give it up instead of asking, "OK, what do I do to change." Because <strong>the world isn't going to change for you - YOU have to change.</strong></li>
</ol>
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<div><strong><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/121114_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br /></strong></div>Staff2014-12-11T22:55:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-891055193585905689.html2014-12-11T00:24:00Z2014-12-11T00:24:00Z<br /><br /><span>During those times when your kids are driving you crazy, remember...</span><br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_121014_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-12-11T00:24:00ZFive Health Factors Could Prevent Millions of DeathsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Five-Health-Factors-Could-Prevent-Millions-of-Deaths/623020272590530820.html2014-12-08T08:00:00Z2014-12-08T08:00:00Z<p><em>(originally published Nov. 09, 2009)</em><br /><br /> </p>
<p>It was a surprise to me to learn from the United Nations World Health Organization (WHO) that tackling just five health factors could prevent millions of premature deaths and increase life expectancy by almost 4 years!<br /><br />Some of these factors (e.g., overeating) are totally within our personal, daily control. While not having enough nutritious food is a big health risk for those in poorer countries, the BIGGER health risk in richer nations is being overweight or obese. Obesity and overweight cause more deaths worldwide than being underweight!<br /><br />The Geneva-based UN health agency listed the world's top mortality risks as:</p>
<ol>
<li>High blood pressure (which accounts for 13% of global deaths)</li>
<li>Smoking (9% of global deaths)</li>
<li>High blood glucose (6% of global deaths)</li>
<li>Physical inactivity (6%)5. Being overweight or obese (5%)</li>
</ol>
<p>The WHO added that if the risks in its report had not existed, life expectancy would, on average, have been almost a decade longer in 2004 for the entire global population.<br /><br />That means that the quality and quantity of our lives are in our hands - in our control -- and are, largely, a matter of choice. Keep that in mind when you eat foods high in salt or sugar, or eat too much and don't get rest, or don't get daily exercise, or smoke that cigarette...<br /><br />When you do things that hurt you and you don't take time to smell the roses, the roses will be planted over your premature remains.</p>
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<p><br /><img src="/images/blog/120814_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br /><br /></p>Staff2014-12-08T08:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/289346551596259053.html2014-12-05T21:56:00Z2014-12-05T21:56:00Z<br /><em>The good thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been. </em><br /><br />Madeline L’Engle<br />Award-winning American author<br />1918 – 2007<br />
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-12-05T21:56:00ZWhy the 'Perfect Match' Isn't Always HealthyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-the-Perfect-Match-Isnt-Always-Healthy/684720989134202814.html2014-12-04T08:00:00Z2014-12-04T08:00:00Z<br /><br />You probably have no idea how much you have been imprinted against your will by your parents' relationships and how that affects your relationships. <strong>Patterns from your childhood repeat because your brain sets down those patterns as a way of experiencing and dealing with relationships.</strong> If the version of being cared for in your house meant dismissal, rejection or invalidation, then that's what you are familiar with. Therefore, if you repeatedly find yourself in unhealthy, combative, painful or unsatisfying relationships, you are simply repeating history. <br /><br />How do you break these patterns and heal yourself? It's actually quite simple: You need to <strong>force yourself to be with healthy men or women</strong>, and make new synaptic connections, which will eventually become familiar. You can't be sporadic. In order to change your wiring, you must consistently engage in new experiences. <br /><br /><strong>Until you are healthy in your own mind, you won't be attracted to anyone healthy, and nobody healthy will be attracted to you.</strong><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/120414_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br />Staff2014-12-04T08:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/276567695072260493.html2014-12-03T16:17:00Z2014-12-03T16:17:00Z<br /><br /><span>How to improve your spouse's mood...</span><br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_120314_600b.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-12-03T16:17:00ZYour Words Have Changed My MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Your-Words-Have-Changed-My-Marriage/423818291742022267.html2014-12-01T15:32:00Z2014-12-01T15:32:00Z<p><em>(originally published Nov. 02, 2009)</em><br /><br /> </p>
<p>This is from Michelle:</p>
<p> Dear Dr. Laura:</p>
<p> A few weeks ago, you had a caller who was contemplating divorce, because her husband wasn't being nice and, in turn, she wasn't being nice to her young son. During the call, the little boy started crying and to calm him, she picked him up and he immediately stopped. You told her of the power of a mother's arms, and you told her that if she would just treat her husband the same way, he would melt just as her son did. I thought about it, but forgot to do anything, and then I listened to the program again this week. It was like you were personally talking to me.</p>
<p> I have been married for 16 years to a wonderful man who has been the sole financial provider for all that time so I can be an at-home mom to our teenage son and daughter. While I always thank him for making this possible, unfortunately, my attitude has been 'well, while you were at work all day, I had to deal with very important things like toddler meltdowns to teenager meltdowns.' But your words changed all that.</p>
<p> Last night, my husband arrived home after a business trip to find out we have some unexpected, high medical bills for our son (he has special needs so, while this has happened before, now is a particularly hard financial time). Instead of me attacking my husband and telling him I had to consent to all the tests which resulted in the bill, I took your advice. I held him in my arms and said: 'This must be so hard for you, when you work so hard and you plan all the finances for our family, to have something so big come up when you don't expect it. I really appreciate you supporting this family, and I feel our kids are so blessed to have you as their dad.'</p>
<p> Dr. Laura, he melted, just as you said he would. We went on to have a lovely night, planning how we would pay for this bill and then talking about other things. If I had not taken your advice, we both would have been angry and sulking and it would have lasted for days. You reminded me that even though my sweet husband is a big, strong provider, he still needs compassion and comfort. How blessed am I that I could provide that for him.</p>
<p> Your words have changed my life and my marriage, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Keep helping people do the right thing.</p>
<p><br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/120114_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br /><br /></p>Staff2014-12-01T15:32:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/710325213195131056.html2014-11-22T00:37:00Z2014-11-22T00:37:00Z<br /><em>The lesser evil is also evil.</em><br /><br />Naomi Mitchison<br />Scottish novelist and poet<br />1897 - 1999<br />
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-11-22T00:37:00ZReasons to Stop MultitaskingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Reasons-to-Stop-Multitasking/-144042570194204832.html2014-11-20T19:41:00Z2014-11-20T19:41:00Z<p><br /><br /></p>
The problem with multitasking is that there is no such thing - at least not in the way most of us think about it. <br /><br />Multitasking means engaging in two tasks simultaneously, which is not how our brains operate. When your brain goes back and forth between two different tasks, it actually shifts focus. And each time it changes direction, it needs to refocus. It's similar to tacking a sailboat - when you turn, the boat slows down and takes time to get back up to speed. <br /><br />Therefore, in order to optimize your productivity, you should focus on one thing at a time, do it right, and then shift to something else. If you try to do two things at once, neither one will be done as well or as efficiently as it would have been done if you were doing it separately. <br /><br />The question is, how can you have a more productive day <em>without</em> multitasking? Here are some tips:<br />
<ul>
<li><strong>Structure your day and prioritize your activities. </strong></li>
<li><strong>Don't overestimate your capabilities. </strong></li>
<li><strong>Eliminate distractions.</strong> For example, if you're at work and there are people coming in and out of your office or walking by your cubicle, close your office door or configure your cubicle so you can't see who's walking by. </li>
<li><strong>Make yourself comfortable.</strong> Sometimes it's difficult to focus because you're not comfortable. Light your area better or take off your shoes (I wear Uggs during the show!).</li>
<li><strong>Get organized. </strong>Removing distracting clutter from your workspace will eliminate distractions. </li>
<li><strong>Put only what you're going to work on in your field of vision.</strong> Placing other things in front of you will simply make you waste time feeling guilty about neglecting them. </li>
</ul>
<br />It takes practice and focus, but you will be surprised by how much you can accomplish if you focus on just one thing at a time. For more information on why you should stop multitasking, read <a href="http://simplemarriage.net/multitasking-and-marriage/" target="_blank">this great article</a> on how multitasking hurts marriages. <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/112014_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br /><ol> <br /> </ol> <br />
<p> </p>Staff2014-11-20T19:41:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-133274599565532365.html2014-11-19T16:01:00Z2014-11-19T16:01:00Z<br /><br /><span>A marital tip under the "Treat Kindly" heading...</span><br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_111914_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-11-19T16:01:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-789618907012505701.html2014-11-14T15:36:00Z2014-11-14T15:36:00Z<br /><em>Boy, n: a noise with dirt on it</em><br /><br /><br />- Not Your Average Dictionary<br />
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-11-14T15:36:00Z6 Reasons You Should Wait to Have SexStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Reasons-You-Should-Wait-to-Have-Sex/42979937713353998.html2014-11-13T20:53:00Z2014-11-13T20:53:00Z<p><br /><br /></p>
<ol>
<li>Women who get physical with a man early on in a relationship expect him to take her emotions seriously, and by and large, frankly my dear, he doesn't give a damn. <strong>He's getting some without having to invest much into the relationship</strong>. She wants to believe that he cares for her in the same way that she cares for him, and it's very upsetting later on when she discovers that he simply doesn't have those feelings. </li>
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<li><strong>If you have sex too soon, you lose objectivity</strong>. Instead of standing back and looking at the situation clearly, you are more likely to try to force a square peg into a round hole. </li>
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<li><strong>If you wait, you'll find out how serious he is</strong> about having a relationship and how serious he is about getting some. </li>
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<li><strong>Whether you're religious or not, the female body is a sacred place</strong>. Why? Because new life takes place there. Women need to be circumspect concerning with whom and when they make new life. </li>
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<li><strong>If you give it up easily, it sends him a message</strong>. It's the same message you send when you're gossiping with a friend; that is, your friend knows you're a gossip which means you're going to gossip about them. If you sleep with a guy immediately, he knows that's what you do. It doesn't make you appealing for the long run - it makes you appealing for the sex run. </li>
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<li>Even though sex is important, the most important aspect of a relationship is general compatibility. <strong>Having sex too early makes it very easy to become infatuated</strong>, and infatuation is not love - it's a presumption in your mind that your fantasy and that person are a match. </li>
<br /> </ol> <img src="/images/blog/111314_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /><br />
<p> </p>Staff2014-11-13T20:53:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/386026093438970754.html2014-11-12T15:37:00Z2014-11-12T15:37:00Z<br /><br /><span>Frustrated with how your parent views you?</span><br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_111214_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-11-12T15:37:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/268995386838386342.html2014-11-07T17:49:00Z2014-11-07T17:49:00Z<br /><em>As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.</em><br /><br />John F. Kennedy<br />35th President of the United States<br />1917 - 1963<br />
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-11-07T17:49:00ZHow to Approach Your Spouse with a ProblemStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Approach-Your-Spouse-with-a-Problem/-334560284275388402.html2014-11-06T20:24:00Z2014-11-06T20:24:00Z<p>When there's a problem in your marriage, you can't turn a blind eye or sweep it under the rug. Ignoring issues only makes them build and doesn’t change anything. Communication is key. <br /><br />So how do you approach your spouse with a problem? Here’s what you do: </p>
<p><strong>1. Consider your timing.</strong> Don't bring up something important when your spouse is exhausted or has just walked in the door after a hard day.<br /><br /><strong>2. Have a <em>discussion</em>, not a <em>confrontation</em>.</strong> Don’t start by blaming, nagging or threatening. <br /><br /><strong>3. Begin with "Sweetie" or "Honey". </strong>Prefacing anything you say with the words "Sweetie" or "Honey" makes it very difficult for you to follow it up with something ratty. (As you know, "F-you" and "Sweetie" aren’t usually used together in the same sentence). <br /><br /><strong>4.</strong> After "Sweetie/Honey," say <strong>"I’ve been noticing that,"</strong> and then state the problem. By "noticing" something, you’re describing behavior instead of condemning. <br /><br /><strong>5.</strong> After stating the problem, end with, <strong>"I was just wondering if we could talk about it or work on it together to make it better."</strong> In doing so, you’re suggesting that <strong>"WE"</strong> can talk about it, not <strong>"ME" yell at "YOU"</strong>. Finally, by using the words "make it better," you’re emphasizing the idea of <strong>"WE" </strong>making it better as opposed to <strong>"I"</strong> making <strong>"YOU"</strong> bend.</p>
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<p><img src="/images/blog/blog_1107142.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="635" /></p>Staff2014-11-06T20:24:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-467264271565906056.html2014-10-31T16:58:00Z2014-10-31T16:58:00Z<br />
<p><em>A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.</em></p>
<p><em><br /></em>Erma Bombeck<br />Author and humorist<br />1927 - 1996</p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-10-31T16:58:00Z6 Habits of Mentally Tough PeopleStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/6-Habits-of-Mentally-Tough-People/-879803371082509004.html2014-10-30T19:04:00Z2014-10-30T19:04:00Z<p>Successful people pave their paths to success by delaying gratification, withstanding temptation, overcoming their fears, and consistently doing what they’ve decided is most important. However, the most essential quality of all is <strong>grit</strong> with a capital G. <br /><br />Mental toughness isn’t something you’re born with – you develop it by working hard and resiliently responding to failure and adversity. All you have to do is follow <strong><a href="http://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/7-habits-of-people-with-remarkable-mental-toughness.html">these handy tips:</a></strong><br /><br /><em><strong>1. Act as if you are in total control.</strong></em> There's a great quote often credited to Ignatius: "Pray as if God will take care of all, and act as if all is up to you." God is not going to do your homework for you or whisper answers to you on a math test. Ultimately, that is up to you. The same goes for luck. If some luck comes your way, terrific, but you can’t control luck – you can only control <em>you</em>. <strong>If you haven’t done what it takes, being at the right place at the right time is meaningless.</strong> <br /><br /><em><strong>2. Put aside things you have no ability to impact.</strong> How can I get my sister to stop making poor choices?</em> You can’t! <em>How can I get my adult son to stop using drugs?</em> You can’t! <em>How can I get my husband/wife to stop doing ____?</em> You can’t! Stop trying to make everyone else change, because they won’t. Be your own change. Don’t waste your energy or sanity on things you can’t control. <br /><br /><em><strong>3. Use the past as training. </strong></em>You can be embarrassed, sad, aggravated, frustrated, and/or angry, but the past is history. It’s only valuable for one thing – for you to learn something. Once you’ve realized your weakness or fault and taken responsibility, think about it only in terms of what you will do (or not do) the next time. Then let it go. You’re never going to be successful in life by holding on to yesterday. It’s like trying to run up stairs with huge weights tied to your ankles. <br /><br /><em><strong>4. Celebrate the earned success of others</strong></em>. I say "earned" because I don’t celebrate somebody’s success if they didn’t earn it (if they cheated, for example). But if someone did earn it, don’t resent them for being successful. Instead, try to learn from them. Life is not a zero-sum game. The brightness of somebody else’s light should not diminish yours. <br /><br /><em><strong>5. Never allow yourself to whine too long.</strong></em> When something goes wrong, it’s only natural to pout and grumble, but if you stay in that mode, you’ll never do anything constructive. You need to come up with a plan of what you’re going to do next. And if you can’t figure it out, talk to your spouse, friends or family. Get enough input, hunker down, and fix it. <br /><br /><em><strong>6. Focus on impressing yourself, not someone else.</strong></em> One of the most common ways people get off track is by wasting their time and energy trying to impress their mom, dad, friends, neighbors, etc. We all do it because we all come from families where we wanted approval from our parents. For kids of unloving parents, it’s even more pathological because no matter how old they get, they keep trying to impress, hoping it will make them loveable. But it’s a useless enterprise. The only way to have self-esteem is by impressing yourself. And when I say "impressing yourself," I don’t mean being arrogant. Arrogance is self-esteem that isn’t earned. Impressing yourself means facing the dragon, coming out singed, and being better for it. </p>
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<p><img src="/images/blog/blog_103014.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="391" /></p>Staff2014-10-30T19:04:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/868601030628731894.html2014-10-24T14:46:00Z2014-10-24T14:46:00Z<br />
<p><em>The whole point of getting things done is knowing what to leave undone.</em><br /><br /><br />Stella Isaacs<br />Marcioness of Reading<br />English philanthropist<br />1894-1971<br /><br /></p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-10-24T14:46:00ZLife-Changing MomentsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Life-Changing-Moments/808228825473882713.html2014-10-23T07:01:00Z2014-10-23T07:01:00Z<p><br /><br /></p>
<p>I was outside drinking coffee with a friend when I saw an extremely crippled man in his 30's pushing a shopping cart and collecting plastic water bottles. When my friend got up to throw something in the trash, he turned to her and exclaimed, "Have a wonderful day!"</p>
<p>When my friend sat back down next to me, I said to her, "He is an amazing person. Here's someone who has so much less than you, doing something that I would probably collapse under, and yet he had it in his heart and soul to perk up your day. He wasn't pouty. He wasn't hostile. He was cheerful. That was an amazing person who you just had talk to you."</p>
<p>A few minutes later, my friend looked at me and said, "That was a life-changing moment for me. Thank you for pointing that out."</p>
We all have these life-changing moments. We need to take advantage of them and use them wisely.<br /><br />
<p><img src="/images/blog/102314_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="391" /></p>Staff2014-10-23T07:01:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/492881250640959573.html2014-10-22T07:00:00Z2014-10-22T07:00:00Z<br /><br /><span>Would you want your daughter with a man like this?...</span><br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_102214_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-10-22T07:00:00ZVideo: She Likes Her CurvesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-She-Likes-Her-Curves/14263119167631182.html2014-10-21T18:42:00Z2014-10-21T18:42:00Z<p><br />When your spouse likes the extra weight they have put on over the years but you don't, how can you get them to lose it? Watch: <br /><br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/OcnVYFMBv1U" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2014-10-21T18:42:00ZFamilies Need a No Wireless ZoneStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Families-Need-a-No-Wireless-Zone/690067612523124895.html2014-10-20T07:00:00Z2014-10-20T07:00:00Z<p><em>(originally published Aug. 19, 2009)</em><br /><br /> </p>
<p>"Technology is the Evil Empire, Bent On Destroying Family Intimacy!" That's the headline I'd like to put on this post, but guns don't shoot people - <em>people</em> shoot people - so technology is not destroying families. People are destroying their own families.<br /><br />The technology I'm talking about is texting, video gaming, Facebook, email, Twitter, and more. Remember when the only complaint about lack of communication in families was when family members were all in separate rooms watching different television programs? Well, now, family members can all be in the same room, totally ignoring each other for the sake of fake friends and useless information, instead of for family conversations. Some family members even text each other from different parts of the same home, rather than walk the 15 feet, hug, and talk to each other. <br /><br />I remember the not-so-recent TV ads that promoted a family eating dinner together. Now, if you showed an ad with a family at the dinner table, there'd have to be a sign nearby that said "No Wireless Zone." I wonder what depth of interaction is being missed because one is getting superficial "quickies" from texting or emailing or Facebooking? On the other hand, I already know that we're less able to engage in reasoned, significant discourse and profound intimacies these days, because, from the age of 4 or 5, we're geared toward the superficial, faceless exchange of comments on each other's web pages.<br /><br />Parents, you <em>must</em> get yourselves into gear and limit the amount of time per day donated to the wireless world outside of work. Otherwise, over time, there'll be no need for lips and vocal cords and eye contact, and we'll evolve into "thumbs only" beings who just peck away with a false sense of actually participating in the real world.<br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/102014_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="451" /><br /><br /></p>Staff2014-10-20T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-800751712401050114.html2014-10-17T13:42:00Z2014-10-17T13:42:00Z<br />
<p><em>Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.</em><br /><br /><br />Mother Teresa<br />Roman Catholic Religious Sister <br />Received Nobel Peace Prize 1979<br />1910-1997<br /><br /></p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-10-17T13:42:00ZTips for Getting Along with Your In-LawsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Tips-for-Getting-Along-with-Your-In-Laws/-89440443506521223.html2014-10-16T07:01:00Z2014-10-16T07:01:00Z<p><br /><br />All couples struggle with in-law issues. Why? Because adjusting to two families becoming one isn't easy. And it's usually most difficult on the women. Very rarely does anybody say, "I have a father/son-in-law from hell," because men usually stay out of the drama and aren't nearly as sensitive. <br /><br />Even though it's not always easy, good in-law relationships are doable if people make an effort to communicate and be respectful. Here's how: </p>
<ul>
<li><strong>Make an effort with both sets of families. </strong>Every family functions differently and has a unique culture. Some families are very affectionate and others aren't. Some are very involved and others aren't. Each has different rituals and traditions. But just because something is <em>different</em> doesn't make it <em>bad</em> (unless it actually is bad). <strong>You may not always agree or understand another family's dynamics and you may not be that crazy about the people in it, but everybody's family is important to them. </strong>So you need to make an effort to show respect and participate. </li>
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<li><strong>Be on the same page with certain expectations.</strong> Some parents are very active and always asking to do stuff. Other parents wouldn't call unless the house burned down (if that). My rule is to<strong> always ask permission: </strong></li>
</ul>
<em> "May I ____?" </em><br /><em> "Would it be OK if _____?"</em><br /><em> "What do you think about _____?"</em><br />
<ul>
<li><strong>Treat your child and their spouse like autonomous people.</strong> One of the greatest insults is to show up unannounced because it means you're not respecting them as a separate entity from you. </li>
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<li><strong>Separate your in-laws from your own relationship.</strong> No matter how complicated or difficult an in-law may be, remember that <strong>you are married to your spouse, not your in-laws.</strong> When your spouse's parents are difficult, show your spouse a little more affection. Don't let in-law issues hurt your marriage.</li>
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<li><strong>Keep communicating.</strong> If you don't like your mother-in-law trying to cook or clean when she comes over, instead of shouting, "How dare you come to my house and take over!" say something like, "I love when you come over, but I still want to do the cooking," or, "You do enough cleaning at your house, I just want you to relax." Speak calmly and act nicely.</li>
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<li><strong>Don't take everything personally.</strong> Remember, whatever your in-law has said, critiqued, advised, suggested, or pointed out is <strong>only an opinion</strong>. You don't have to follow it, argue with it, or take it as a stab to the heart. Just say, "That's very interesting, I'll give it some thought," and leave it at that.</li>
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<li><strong>Never forget that your in-laws are human beings too.</strong> Your in-laws have needs, concerns, doubts, and feelings just like you. <strong>Think about where they are coming from</strong>. If you haven't had kids, then one thing you don't understand is that as a parent, you're worried about your child's feelings until the day you're dead. You never want anybody to hurt your child, and that feeling never goes away, even when your kid gets older. </li>
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<li><strong>Take a breath and let things go.</strong> Daughters- and sons-in-law need to be polite and show respect.<strong> Mothers- and fathers-in-law need to be more secure in their own skin.</strong> Remember parents - <em>you are</em> older and more experienced, and if you think back to your 20s, you know it was a different story. You were insecure and took things much too personally too quickly because that's just the stage of development you were in at the time. Sometimes our sons- and daughters-in-law can say or do dumb and thoughtless things, but they are simply not as well-schooled in the universe as you are. So cut them a little slack. </li>
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<p><br /><br /><br /><br /></p>Staff2014-10-16T07:01:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-534818867325662647.html2014-10-15T07:00:00Z2014-10-15T07:00:00Z<br /><br /><span>Just by putting one foot in front of the other...</span><br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_101514_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-10-15T07:00:00ZVideo: Stand Up to DisrespectStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Stand-Up-to-Disrespect/-978596203840112267.html2014-10-14T19:05:00Z2014-10-14T19:05:00Z<p><br />What can you do when the whispering and snickering from others gets you down? Watch: <br /><br /><br /><iframe height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/FqJzlJmPiVY" frameborder="0" width="560"></iframe></p>Staff2014-10-14T19:05:00ZThe Prince Was Really a FrogStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Prince-Was-Really-a-Frog/977911024266793225.html2014-10-13T14:06:00Z2014-10-13T14:06:00Z<p><em>(originally published July 30, 2009)</em><br /><br /> </p>
<p>I love "Law & Order" and "Cold Case" types of programs, because of the cleverness of the characters in discerning truth from lies (either from witnesses or clues at a crime scene). I find it fascinating. Detective Goren from "Law & Order" seems to know everything about just everything, which is a plot device that sometimes strains credulity, but, in general, I find the most interesting leaps to be that of a "gut feeling" or a "hunch" which is not easily explained by logic until after the fact.<br /><br />Some people are better at this than others - perhaps it's an inner talent that is unique, or maybe that individual just pays more attention to detail, or maybe it's just the willingness to listen to that still, soft voice that tells you something just isn't right.<br /><br />I find that many people who call my radio program with concerns about the behaviors of someone they're dating already "knew" on some level that something just wasn't right. But they ignored or denied those feelings because they wanted the fantasy to be true. Generally, these desired fantasies turn into disasters.<br /><br />One caller earlier this week met a guy online who immediately treated her like he was her fairy godmother. "Zap" with his wand, and they were off to foreign lands for lunch and distant places for vacations. She found out that he was still married, even though he had said he was divorced. She called me all upset and sad.<br /><br />I told her that she had behaved like a slut (yeah, I said that), because he had money. Certainly, she couldn't have believed that he loved her - <em>he didn't even KNOW her!</em> She was gullible and pretty and sexually available and that was what he was looking for. He wasn't looking for the love of his life. She, however, wanted the princess fairy tale, and she had it for two months. Meanwhile, she had suspended her good sense about why a man would operate like this with no real knowledge of the woman. Answer? Knowledge of the woman was not of interest to him. Showing off and having passionate sex with a very willing woman was what he really wanted.<br /><br />Instead of worrying about not being able to trust men, and sobbing with great hurt at being dumped, I suggested that she start behaving like the kind of woman a real man without a selfish agenda would value. She didn't listen to that small voice, and ended up used and humiliated. <br /><br />Don't deny what you know in your gut, even in the midst of what seems like the most unbelievable reality. It <em>is</em> unbelievable, because it is not to be believed.<br /><br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/101314_blog_fb.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2014-10-13T14:06:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-485452090459945164.html2014-10-10T07:00:00Z2014-10-10T07:00:00Z<br />
<p><em>Discovery consists not in seeking new lands, but in seeing with new eyes.</em><br /><br /><br />Marcel Proust<br />French novelist and essayist<br />1871-1922</p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-10-10T07:00:00ZWhy Losing Is Good for KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Losing-Is-Good-for-Kids/804470775180991945.html2014-10-09T16:58:00Z2014-10-09T16:58:00Z<p><br /><br /></p>
<p>Learning how to handle winning and losing is one of the ways kids build self-esteem and develop valuable life skills. <strong>Winning instills a sense of accomplishment, and losing teaches them to strive to do better, not give up, and show sportsmanship when things don't go their way.</strong> Unfortunately, in today's "every kid gets a trophy" culture, parents have made competition take a backseat to ensuring that nobody's feelings get hurt. <br /><br /><strong>Here are six ways to help your child make the most out of winning <em>and</em> losing:</strong><br /><br /></p>
<ol>
<li><strong>Have them focus on the fun.</strong> Win or lose, having fun is what matters. </li>
<li><strong>Teach them to strive for their personal best, not the win.</strong> Oftentimes, kids will lose interest or quit something simply because they're not winning. But a personal best should count just as much as a victory in your eyes and theirs. </li>
<li><strong>Help them understand that not everybody wins.</strong> There are a zillion kids out there who each want to win. You can't do it every time. </li>
<li><strong>Talk about the importance of sportsmanship.</strong> When they win, they should enjoy the good feeling, but also be humble about it. When they lose, they need to do it with class and without pouting, yelling, or screaming. </li>
<li><strong>Have them congratulate the competition after a defeat.</strong> Being able to get up, smile, and be gracious after a loss makes you feel better about it. </li>
<li><strong>Don't only praise them when they win.</strong> Treat the experiences of success and defeat equally. When they have a good attitude about losing, tell them how it impresses the heck out of you. </li>
<li><strong>Use examples.</strong> Discuss important figures who have worked hard for their successes and omit the ones who blatantly cheat. Model the behavior yourself. </li>
</ol>
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<p><img src="/images/blog/100914_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></p>Staff2014-10-09T16:58:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/864783711565086185.html2014-10-08T15:31:00Z2014-10-08T15:31:00Z<br /><br /><span>"I love you, now change..." No...</span><br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_100814_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-10-08T15:31:00ZVideo: Spicing Up the BedroomStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Spicing-Up-the-Bedroom/630962320888777900.html2014-10-07T18:06:00Z2014-10-07T18:06:00Z<p><br />How can you get out of the "rut" in the bedroom if your spouse keeps resisting? Watch: <br /><br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/4PpDf_WAkss" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2014-10-07T18:06:00ZThe Good, The Bad, and The UglyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Good,-The-Bad,-and-The-Ugly/932804966128145598.html2014-10-06T15:39:00Z2014-10-06T15:39:00Z<p><em>(originally published July 6, 2009)</em><br /><br /> </p>
<p>The good, the bad, and the ugly....<br /><br />That was the title of a Clint Eastwood spaghetti western (I loved all of them), but in this case, I'm referring to the Internet, but in the same way that I would refer to guns or electricity. Do you think I've blown a mental fuse? No. Here's my outlook:<br /><br />Right now, the governments of China and Iran are working ceaselessly to block web access to its populace. Why? So information the government "does not want you to know about" won't get in, and the truth of what is going on inside these totalitarian regimes will not get out.<br /><br />Twitter, YouTube, Facebook and their ilk have revealed the atrocities against the people of Iran protesting the sham presidential elections. Beatings and murders have been viewed around the world, as people have had the courage to use cell phones and such to take the governmentally prohibited pictures.<br /><br />This, obviously, is a case of calling the Internet GOOD.<br /><br />On the other hand, we have people in the United States of America (where communication is completely open, some say to an unfettered fault) using the Internet for pornography.<br /><br />This, obviously, is a case of calling the Internet BAD.<br /><br />Internet sites have been used to defame and harass people. Internet sites are being used to "publish" speculation, opinion, and downright meanness as "fact." Internet sites have been used to troll for victims in order to rob, rape, and murder. Internet sites have been used to incite violence, threaten, and frighten.<br /><br />This, obviously, is a case of calling the Internet UGLY.<br /><br />Electricity and guns can be thought of in the same way: you can get electrocuted by dropping a hair dryer in the tub when you're in it, or electricity can be used to run a ventilator and save lives. Guns can be used in robberies and murders, or they can be used by the free to ward off tyranny and other assailants.<br /><br />Objects have no moral value - the way they are <em>used</em> is the issue - and that assessment is in the hands of the user. We all have the ability to choose right from wrong. Our choices, though, generally depend greatly on the human atmosphere around us. For example, we are more likely to be able to do atrocious things if we're part of a group. We wouldn't dream of doing them alone. Yet, there are those who can perpetrate evil all on their own.<br /><br />We are more likely to choose good when we are surrounded by people supportive of "good," and judgmental of "bad." However, when the cultural atmosphere dissipates with respect to values and moral judgment, it's easy for an individual to operate out of the moment without regard to circumstances or their soul. <br /><br />It takes a strong person to choose good for its own sake. There is often little reward or regard given to them. There was a time when a child, seeing a dollar fall from an elderly gentleman's pocket, would race to give it back to him. He would then get his picture on the front page of the local paper - rewarding him for character. Now, that same child would probably not even entertain the thought of returning the money. What for? Look around that child - parents cheat, politicians cheat, entertainers and sports stars cheat. What's the motivation?<br /><br />The good, the bad, and the ugly - two out of three are on the wrong side. You choose every day which side to be on. Now, go do the <em>right</em> thing.<br /><br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/100614_blog.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="333" /></p>Staff2014-10-06T15:39:00ZHow to Fight Fair in Your MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Fight-Fair-in-Your-Marriage/-720445456270904636.html2014-10-02T16:59:00Z2014-10-02T16:59:00Z<p><br /><br /></p>
<p>When a couple tells me, "We have the perfect marriage and never fight," I think to myself, "You must be living in different centuries and on different planets from one another." There's going to be friction in every marriage-it's only normal. The question is, how are you going to handle it?</p>
<p>Here are my five tips:</p>
<ol>
<li><strong>Think of an argument as a win-win. </strong>When most people fight, their endgame is to win. However, the purpose of having an argument is not winning – it's resolving conflict effectively.</li>
<li><strong>Don't hit below the belt. </strong>Arguing is not a justification to be mean. When you're married, you have intimate knowledge of each other's deepest sensitivities and vulnerabilities. Never use these as weapons to win an argument. Don't bring up things like "your parents," "your childhood," "that time you___," etc. You took vows to honor and cherish, so don't intentionally try to hurt your spouse. <strong> </strong></li>
<li><strong>Keep on point.</strong> Deal with only one issue at a time (which also means, don't wait until there are eight before you say something). <strong> </strong></li>
<li><strong>Take a break. </strong>When you're an inch away from exploding, say, "You know what, I'm nuts right now, and I don't want to say anything stupid. Let's take this up in a half hour." Remember, some things, which when said, can never be taken back.<strong> </strong></li>
<li><strong>When the fight is over, make up. </strong>Do something nice for each other. Compliment each other.</li>
</ol>
<p>Above all, keep in mind<strong> </strong>that<strong> your beloved is not the enemy.</strong> You may not feel very loving at the moment, but it doesn't mean you don't love them. <strong> </strong></p>
<p><img src="/images/blog/100214_blog.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2014-10-02T16:59:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/111744185042393048.html2014-10-01T07:00:00Z2014-10-01T07:00:00Z<br /><br /><span>What type of parent are you?</span><br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_100114_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-10-01T07:00:00ZVideo: Over-Educated Stay-at-Home Mom?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Over-Educated-Stay-at-Home-Mom/853707572305294742.html2014-09-30T16:11:00Z2014-09-30T16:11:00Z<p><br />Does it make sense for someone planning to be a stay-at-home mom to further her education as far as possible? Watch: <br /><br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/QM2vGopT5wo" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2014-09-30T16:11:00ZNot Everything Can Be FixedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Not-Everything-Can-Be-Fixed/-75796352633477818.html2014-09-29T15:56:00Z2014-09-29T15:56:00Z<p><em>(originally published June 24, 2009)</em><br /><br /> </p>
<p>It's funny what stays in your mind - one shot of light in the darkness of memory. One of the more important "shot of light" memories is from my days in the Marriage/Family/Child Therapy program at the University of Southern California. I was being supervised during my training and displaying lots of frustration over one particular client. I couldn't figure out how to fix, or help the client fix, the problem for which the client came in to get help.<br /><br />My supervisor, a well-known and talented therapist said five words which reverberated in my head - the head of a "Type A," over-achiever mentality person that I was (or am). He said, <em>"Not everything can be fixed."</em> <br /><br />I was shocked and horrified. To even think that there were limits to what any human being could do, to think that there were no remedies for certain circumstances, to think that I couldn't "lay on hands" and make all better every person I tried to help - well, all of this was unthinkable.<br /><br />As I matured, however, I realized he was right.<br /><br />I had several calls in the past week that demonstrated that truth -- that not everything can be fixed -- so <strong>it shouldn't be broken in the first place!!</strong> It's why I do what I do on radio versus having a private practice. You all get to hear what decisions, choices, behaviors, and actions put you in a (probably) unfixable place.<br /><br />There was the 21-year-old woman who came on the program giggling about how she had listened to me since she was 2 years old. Now, with two children out-of-wedlock with a guy who won't marry her because she hasn't taken down her Facebook profile after she promised she would, she wanted to know how to fix the relationship and get married.<br /><br />Since he didn't marry her <em>before</em> the children, since he didn't marry her <em>after</em> the first child, since he didn't marry her after the <em>second</em> child, he probably isn't going to marry her after the Facebook argument gave his dumping her some legitimacy. I guess 19 years of listening to the program didn't do it for her.<br /><br />The second female caller was about the same age, again with two out-of-wedlock children, living at her boyfriend's parents' home. She was shacking up with him, and wanted to know how to get him to move out so they could be on their own, after he said he didn't ever want to move out of his mother's home! <br /><br />The moral of these stories is that when you insist on making impulsive decisions and act only out of the moment, then you will, at some point, dig a hole that you won't be able to get out of. <br /><br />By the way, I told the first woman to move in with her parents, so the children can have a father (in the form of Grandpa), and she was not to date until they were grown. I told the second woman to give up her dreams and faulty plan, keep her mouth shut, and just live there, giving the impression of being happy, so the kids don't have to grow up with a negative mother until the kids are grown.<br /><br />Of course, women are not the only ones who need to hear this message. A lot of men marry "damsels in distress," only to be stuck with... <strong><em>distressed damsels!!</em></strong> They hope to save them and fix them, but....some things can't be fixed. I tell them to stay with a smile until the kids are grown.<br /><br />I don't accept any of the "...but what about <em>my</em> happiness?" rationalizations. The answer is that children matter more than you, and you need to sacrifice and behave properly so that they have a better chance of making better choices in their lives.<br /><br />Some things can't be fixed, so don't do them in the first place. Consider my radio program a huge emotional and behavioral prophylactic, and take the lessons learned from the pain of others and make the right - even if uncomfortable - choices.</p>Staff2014-09-29T15:56:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-830602584489983097.html2014-09-26T07:00:00Z2014-09-26T07:00:00Z<br />
<p><em>There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child – there are seven million.</em><br /><br /><br />- Walt Streightiff</p>
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<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/092614_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="458" /><br /><br /></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-09-26T07:00:00ZAfraid to Be Hurt AgainStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Afraid-to-Be-Hurt-Again/-993195480852578023.html2014-09-25T19:03:00Z2014-09-25T19:03:00Z<p> </p>
<p>On my Facebook page a listener asked, <strong>"How do you deal with being afraid to be hurt again?"</strong>.</p>
<p>Well, one thing a lot of people do is stop opening up. They isolate themselves from everyone else and become lonely and depressed. </p>
<p>Can you see the irony? <strong>The problem with closing yourself off because you're afraid to be hurt again is that you ultimately end up hurting yourself</strong>.</p>
<p>So, how should we deal with being afraid to be hurt again? The first question you have to ask yourself is, "What is there to be afraid of?" Let's say you start dating someone and they dump you - what's the worst thing that's going to happen? You're going to feel bad? You're going to cry? Think back on all the times you got your feelings hurt. Did you die? No! You're still here, which means you survived.</p>
<p>That leads me to my second point: <strong>If you know you have survived it before, you know you can survive it again.</strong> There are probably countless times you have experienced disappointment, frustration, loss, pain, agony, and embarrassment. And you've survived them all, even though at the time you were absolutely sure you wouldn't. Nobody looks forward to being hurt, but you certainly shouldn't be afraid of it.</p>
<p>Lastly, you have to <strong>acknowledge that you're probably going to get hurt</strong>. Look at stand-up comics. They spend years developing their material in front of audiences, and in the beginning, they largely get booed. If they were afraid of getting their feelings hurt, they would never get up on stage a second time. <strong>There is no life without risk</strong>. Aches and pains are normal. If you work out a muscle, the next day it's going to ache. <strong>Hurt is a normal part of growth</strong>.</p>
<p>It's always good to have a little bit of fear. It keeps you alert and stops you from being naïve. But don't let fear dictate your life. <strong>Make fear the caboose of your train, not the engine</strong>. <br /><br /><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/092514_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="401" /> </p>Staff2014-09-25T19:03:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/706952351113970854.html2014-09-24T15:07:00Z2014-09-24T15:07:00Z<br /><br /><span>Are you always looking in the rearview mirror?</span><br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_092414_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-09-24T15:07:00ZVideo: Should I Just Tape My Mouth Shut?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Should-I-Just-Tape-My-Mouth-Shut/-568272171874431344.html2014-09-23T18:41:00Z2014-09-23T18:41:00Z<p><br />A woman's hormones can cause depression, anxiety and crazy mood swings. This is particularly not good if she is a married lady. What can help? Watch: <br /><br /><br /><iframe height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/V526xn8DfdQ" frameborder="0" width="560"></iframe></p>Staff2014-09-23T18:41:00ZThe Price of PromiscuityStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Price-of-Promiscuity/23633490468621322.html2014-09-19T21:34:00Z2014-09-19T21:34:00Z<p><br /><br />When I was little, I was brought up with stories like George Washington chopping down the cherry tree and "The Boy Who Cried Wolf." But nowadays, the new cultural norm is no morality. Our kids are growing up in an atmosphere where you can lie and be promiscuous and still be president (i.e. Clinton), and the words "'til death do us part" don't mean much anymore. The problem is, young people are going with that flow and then ending up depressed when they realize that nobody gives a damn about them with their clothes on. <br /><br />Believe it or not, promiscuity actually does have some good points attached to it:</p>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: 12px;"><strong>Nobody can control you</strong> if you go through sexual partners like hairdos.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12px;"><strong>Nobody can hurt you or let you down</strong> if you don't stay around long enough to let them. </span></li>
<li><strong><span style="font-size: 12px;">You don't owe anybody anything. </span></strong></li>
<li><strong><span style="font-size: 12px;">You're not responsible to anyone. </span></strong></li>
</ul>
<p>That's why so many college girls these days are hooking up. If your career is the most important thing, then the concepts of love, marriage and kids must not matter. <br /><br />Unfortunately, these so-called "benefits" come at a very high cost to your physical and mental health:</p>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-size: 12px;">Increased possibility of <strong>sexually transmitted diseases, cervical and oral cancer</strong>, and <strong>unwanted pregnancy. </strong></span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12px;"><strong>Violence and abuse.</strong> A lot of men have equal disrespect for women who have little respect for themselves.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12px;"><strong>Depression.</strong> Promiscuity can be a symptom of depression, but it also causes it.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12px;"><strong>Psychological and emotional trauma. </strong>The feeling of being wanted in the moment is followed by feelings of worthlessness. After a while of waking up in the morning not knowing where you are and who you are with, you feel lost.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-size: 12px;"><strong>Making riskier choices. </strong> Similar to alcohol or any other drug, once the buzz goes away, you need to do it again or even escalate the dose. </span></li>
</ul>
<p><br /> <img src="/images/blog/blog_091914.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2014-09-19T21:34:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/970844810194679623.html2014-09-19T17:03:00Z2014-09-19T17:03:00Z<br />
<p><em>Autumn, the year’s last, loveliest smile.</em><br /><br /></p>
<p>- William Cullen</p>
<p><br /><br /></p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/091914_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="458" /><br /><br /></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-09-19T17:03:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-521770573062417540.html2014-09-17T15:51:00Z2014-09-17T15:51:00Z<br /><br /><span>Friendship tip....</span><br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_091714_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-09-17T15:51:00ZHow Stupid Do Consumer Product Companies Think We Are?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-Stupid-Do-Consumer-Product-Companies-Think-We-Are/242708778995762521.html2014-09-15T15:00:00Z2014-09-15T15:00:00Z<p><em>(originally published April 29, 2009)</em></p>
<p>Aw, come on. How stupid do some of the people think the rest of us are? Answer: VERY stupid. Well, are we, really? Some might be truly without judgment, and some like to take advantage of a situation and sue, so it all comes down to the same thing: we're stuck with product labels that<em> insult</em> us, but are ultimately, darn funny.<br /><br />According to a Fox News Report, these are some of the most bizarre warnings about potential hazards on consumer products:<br /><br /></p>
<ol>
<li>Did you know that you're not supposed to use those itty bitty birthday candles as earplugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity? It's written so on the box. Now, the only humans I can think of who would make that kind of effort can't read, much less understand the word "insertion," because they're still in diapers! Nonetheless...</li>
<li>Don't dry your phone in a microwave oven...with or without cheese.</li>
<li>Don't use your hair dryer while sleeping (believe it or not, some women have actually done this and started fires in their beds)</li>
<li>Never use a lit match or any other open flame to check the fuel level in any sort of watercraft. Sheesh!</li>
<li>Don't swallow the cap of a fountain pen. Huh? Is that before or after warming it in the microwave?</li>
<li>A fishing hook contains a trace amount of lead, so California law demands that if you have any amount of lead in a product, you have to have a warning on it that says "harmful if swallowed." So, if the hook were all platinum, it would be okay to swallow it?</li>
<li>ExtenZe is an advertised male enhancement pill which is supposed to make the penis larger. It actually has the warning: Do not use while pregnant or nursing (in CAPITAL LETTERS, no less!).</li>
<li>On the flip side, the box of Midol (for PMS) says "do not use if you have an enlarged prostate." Chances are, if you have PMS, you don't have a prostate to worry about in the first place.</li>
</ol>
<p><br />Aside from being a great source of humor, these warnings are included mainly because a certain, large group of lawyers routinely sue companies when someone misuses a product. The personal injury lawyers who bring these lawsuits will always say in lawsuits that the company "failed to warn." Now, come on, people - some of this is just plain common sense.<br /><br />Just because some drunk college kid put himself in the washing machine for a ride, got hurt, and sued, all washing machines now have to say something along the lines of "do not put any person in this washer."<br /><br />And last, but not least, is the warning on "vanishing fabric markers:" <em>Should not be used as a writing instrument for signing checks or any legal documents.</em><br /><br />When we are kids, we see other kids using lies and manipulation to get away with their own wrongdoing. Children need to be taught to take responsibility as the means of building character which, ultimately, will result in respect and trust from others. Unfortunately, the fortunes of those who are getting away with not taking responsibility as adults (with a certain breed of injury lawyers right behind them) are eating away at our collective conscience and character.<br /><br />I would just once like to hear a person who goofed up when using some product say, <em>"Oh, it's my own fault...I wasn't thinking," instead of "Ohhh, I wonder how much money I can make from putting a hot coffee cup between my legs, near my crotch, while I'm in a moving car."</em><br /><br /></p>Staff2014-09-15T15:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-700639288215826524.html2014-09-12T14:27:00Z2014-09-12T14:27:00Z<br />
<p><em>Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.</em><br /><br /><br />Sir James Dewar<br />Scottish chemist and physicist<br />1842 - 1923 </p>
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<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/091214_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="383" /><br /><br /></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-09-12T14:27:00ZVideo: Bringing Them Home to Meet the FamilyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Bringing-Them-Home-to-Meet-the-Family/-29908904732835550.html2014-09-11T18:25:00Z2014-09-11T18:25:00Z<p><br />When is it appropriate to introduce someone you're dating to your family? Watch: <br /><br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/_njj-bLdxa0" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2014-09-11T18:25:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-720682400763485134.html2014-09-10T07:00:00Z2014-09-10T07:00:00Z<br /><br /><span>Folks, keep your kids safe. Remember...</span><br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_091014_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-09-10T07:00:00ZFive Roots of Anger ProblemsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Five-Roots-of-Anger-Problems/490618961904277798.html2014-09-09T20:41:00Z2014-09-09T20:41:00Z<p><br /><br />Anger is a normal human reaction to hurt, embarrassment, shame or betrayal. However, anger becomes a problem when it is continual, irrational and/or out of control. Here are some of the main ways people develop anger problems:<br /><br /></p>
<ol>
<li><strong>Witnessing your parents.</strong> When children see their parents yelling, screaming, berating, hitting or shoving, they copy that behavior because they think losing one's temper is an acceptable and normal reaction. They tend to identify with the perpetrator instead of the victim because they witness how anger gives the perpetrator power. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Stress.</strong> Human beings can only handle so much. When you've got more things on your plate than you can fit in your day, angry feelings well up. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Fear. </strong>Ever seen a cat backed up against a wall, arching his spine, hissing, and preparing to pull out his claws? Although he may seem angry, he's actually scared out of his mind. When something is too hurtful, overwhelming or terrifying, many people turn to anger as a self-defense mechanism. Guys especially don't want to admit it when they are hurt, sad, lonely, or grieving because it makes them look weak. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Lack of sleep.</strong> Not getting enough sleep is a sure recipe for feeling edgy and irritable because your brain can't chemically or physiologically cope with it.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Medication.</strong> Being over-medicated or taking the wrong kind of medication can make you angry. </li>
</ol>
<p><strong>*Tip:</strong> The next time you are about to do or say something out of anger, ask yourself, "Would I behave this way towards a nun or police officer?" Most likely, your answer will be "no."<br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/090914_blog_fb.jpg" alt="" /> </p>Staff2014-09-09T20:41:00ZOutrageous Behavior in Exchange for Instant FameStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Outrageous-Behavior-in-Exchange-for-Instant-Fame/156718709018415483.html2014-09-08T16:08:00Z2014-09-08T16:08:00Z<p><em>(originally published April 16, 2009)</em></p>
<p>When I was a kid, we spent most of our time outside playing...something. Riding bikes, playing ball, walking, running, performing dramatic vignettes, or finding clues in twigs, among other activities. Imagination, strategy, and fresh air were the mainstay of life then.<br /><br />And then....the incredible technology age came along, with chatter, Twitter, and pics, texting and more. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to guess that that isn't very good.<br /><br />Kids today aren't on "friendship" sites to get help with their math homework or discourse on all things philosophical. They're basically trying to make a mark, to be somebody, or to impress somebody, all without having done a damn thing to actually earn the attention.<br /><br />But why should they? Look at what they see on television: reality show after reality show where people get "famous" for behaving badly and creating nothing of value or beauty.<br /><br />That's where kids get the idea that "outrageous" is more important than goodness, patience, commitment to a goal, and values beyond their own immediate "fantasy" gratification. I don't know how you parents can shield your children from this "Pinocchio Island," which ultimately degenerates the value of living and giving to merely depraved acting out. Removing all TVs and never going to the movies might be a start - maybe the Amish have it right in that regard. They have long held that so-called "modern" advances don't necessarily advance the human spirit.<br /><br />It breaks my heart to hear all the stories each day of children and young adults who, in a rush to feel the power of adulthood freedom, don't get the matched message of responsibility and nobility. Religion in this country is breaking down as people go to Christmas services or Passover dinners as mostly a yearly reunion, as opposed to a daily profound observance. Families are breaking down with "shack-up," out-of-wedlock children lost in a morass of adult yearnings for easy intimacy. And so it goes.<br /><br />Do I sound negative? You bet. I am worried. I am heartened by the emails and calls from families struggling in the midst of all this societal turmoil, which has robbed them of the support and respect they so dearly need to help their children find a good and righteous path in life. My heart goes out to them, and, hopefully, there will be more like them.</p>Staff2014-09-08T16:08:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-902376827505733886.html2014-09-05T15:17:00Z2014-09-05T15:17:00Z<br />
<p><em>The difference between school and life? In school you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.</em><br /><br /><br />Tom Bodett<br />American author, voice actor, and radio host<br />1955 - </p>
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<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/090514_quote.jpg" alt="" /><br /><br /></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-09-05T15:17:00ZWhat Teens Should Pay ForStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-Teens-Should-Pay-For/-21673744984732631.html2014-09-04T21:14:00Z2014-09-04T21:14:00Z<p><br /><br />Many parents struggle with the question of what they should make their teenagers pay for. There is no one size fits all answer, but there's a concept that fits every situation. <br /><br />Simply ask yourself, <strong>"Will giving this money help him or her grow up to be a responsible, hardworking, well-functioning and independent adult?"</strong>. If the answer is no, then don't pay, OR make a contribution and have your teen pay the rest. <br /><br />Children need to learn about self-discipline, saving and waiting. There are lots of ways for kids to earn money (babysitting, mowing lawns, delivering things, being creative, etc.), and the more they pay their own way, the more they will learn how to survive in life and increase their self-confidence. Remember,<strong> it's not your job as a parent to make them happy every moment of every day - it's to help them be the best person they can be.</strong> <br /><br /><a href="http://thestir.cafemom.com/teen/152590/9_things_teens_should_pay" target="_self">Here</a> are some things I think every parent should require their teenagers to pay for:<br /><br /></p>
<ol>
<li><em><strong>Meals out with friends</strong>.</em> Obviously Mom and Dad should pay for basic meals, but if your teen wants to eat out with their buddies, then that's on them. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong><em>Gas, insurance and maintenance on the car you ALLOW them to use.</em></strong> If they can't make the payments, they shouldn't be driving your car. It makes teenagers a lot more responsible when they are the ones coughing up the dough. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><em><strong>Cell phone overages.</strong></em> Cell phones are a privilege, not a right or a necessity. If your teenager isn't paying for their own plan, have them pay for any texting or data overages. Also, phone insurance is about $5 a month; have them cover it. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><em><strong>Lost items.</strong></em> Whether it's a cell phone, sunglasses or a purse, if they lose something you bought them, they have to pay for it. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><em><strong>Party clothes.</strong></em> Parents should pay for basic clothing, but if your teenager wants to buy something special from a special store, they should pay. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><em><strong>Silly, preventable, stupid mistakes.</strong></em> If your teen damages a neighbor's property, for example, they need to pay for it or work it off by doing chores at the neighbor's home. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><em><strong>Gifts.</strong></em> Even if your kid is dead broke, don't give them cash to buy family and friends birthday or holiday gifts. There are tons of inexpensive or free things they can do that make nice presents. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><em><strong>Donations.</strong></em> Teens should make donations with their own money. It teaches them about being charitable and that you don't only give when you have extra funds. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><em><strong>Upgrades.</strong></em> Let's say your teen plays a sport and has worn out their gear. If the sport is something they are very passionate about and committed to, then you can treat the gear as an essential purchase. However, you should only buy them what is reasonable and customary. If they want something stylish, they need to pay for it themselves. </li>
</ol>
<div><br /><img src="/images/blog/090414_blog.jpg" alt="" /></div>Staff2014-09-04T21:14:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/634218340911960132.html2014-09-03T14:03:00Z2014-09-03T14:03:00Z<br /><br /><span>There's no such thing as love at first sight... </span><br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_090314_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-09-03T14:03:00Z'Please' is Now a Fightin' WordStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Please-is-Now-a-Fightin-Word/-411228689699330814.html2014-09-02T13:44:00Z2014-09-02T13:44:00Z<p><em>(originally published March 11, 2009)</em></p>
<p>When I was a kid at the movies and got a little carried away with giggles or chatter with my friends, all an adult had to say was "Shhhh," much less something as aggressive as "Be quiet!" and all our little faces would turn red with shame, and we'd say "Sorry," and slink down in our seats.<br /><br />Now, you take your life in your hands you simply ask someone to please be polite. Fuggedaboutit! "Rights" (meaning you can do or say anything you damn well please, and if someone doesn't like it, it's <em>their</em> problem) have trumped everything from responsibility to compassion to courtesy to politeness.<br /><br />Case in point: <em>The New York Post</em> reported on what happened when a well-meaning woman simply asked a 21-year-old loud, cell-phone chattering female to please lower her voice. The well-meaning woman ended up in the hospital after newly purchased, very hot coffee was thrown in her face, her hands were covered in bites, and she was kicked in the thighs with the 21 year old's high heels.<br /><br />The cell phone assailant tried to escape on a bus, but the victim chased her down the street to a nearby subway station. When police arrived, the victim pointed out her attacker, who was arrested on charges of assault, menacing, and criminal possession of a weapon (the boiling hot coffee). All this because the little twit was simply asked to keep her voice down.<br /><br />I don't go to movie theaters anymore, because too many people think it's their own private media hall, where they can make loud conversation and a racket with their candy cellophane. If you dare to just ask kindly for them to keep it down, most likely you will be barraged with profanity. And those who are nearby, who must also be annoyed, keep silent - it's the old "don't get involved" syndrome, which contributes to fewer and fewer folks standing up for what's right because others are too "wussy" to back 'em up.<br /><br />I love that many establishments "request" that cell phones be turned off, although I guess too many people either can't read the signs, or think they're somehow exempt because of their inflated sense of <em>their</em> importance above all others.<br /><br />It's getting to be a scarier world out there, and not just because of rogue nations, tyrannies with nuclear bombs, or terrorists with bomb-decorated vests. It's getting scarier in our own neighborhoods, because people don't feel connected anymore. There is a persistent "me vs. the world" attitude that is destroying domestic peace.</p>Staff2014-09-02T13:44:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/195892503376494586.html2014-08-29T07:00:00Z2014-08-29T07:00:00Z<br />
<p><em>Choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life.<br /></em><br /><br />Confucius </p>
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<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/082914_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="445" /><br /><br /></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-08-29T07:00:00ZExacting RevengeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Exacting-Revenge/313617534693278097.html2014-08-28T07:00:00Z2014-08-28T07:00:00Z<p class="yiv674017315msonormal"><span><br />When someone intentionally hurts you, it’s understandable to want to hurt them back. I absolutely would like to wreak havoc on anyone who tries to intentionally hurt me or mine. I am the original mother bear – if you mess with my family, my friends, or my peeps, you mess with me. </span></p>
<p class="yiv674017315msonormal"><span>Some people may call this revenge. I call it <strong>justice, comeuppance, and consequences.</strong> When someone does something bad, they deserve to have it splashed back in their face. </span></p>
<p class="yiv674017315msonormal"><span>However, before you try to get back at someone who has wronged you, you first need to <strong>take the time to figure out how you’ve contributed to the situation.</strong> Most people who get their feelings hurt don’t want to take any responsibility. Maybe you’ve screwed up too. Maybe the other person had no intention of hurting you. If that’s the case, then getting angry not only isn’t fair, but it makes you look ridiculous. </span></p>
<p class="yiv674017315msonormal"><span>The second thing you have to think about is <strong>if getting revenge is worth it</strong>. If you can find a legal and moral way to zap a person who has earned zapping, then go for it. But if you spend almost every waking hour for the next five years trying to figure out how to do it, the only person you’re hurting is yourself. <strong>Don’t spend an inordinate amount of time and effort plotting how to get even – it’s a total waste of your life. </strong></span></p>
<p class="yiv674017315msonormal"><span>For more thoughts and advice on revenge and betrayal, read my book, <em><a href="/pg/jsp/community/bookdetail.jsp?detID=-162543760879916944">Surviving a Shark Attack (On Land)</a></em>.<br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/082814_blog.jpg" alt="" /> </span></p>
<p> </p>Staff2014-08-28T07:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-437902968236716392.html2014-08-27T07:00:00Z2014-08-27T07:00:00Z<br /><br />If you're going to be irrational...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_082714_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-08-27T07:00:00ZYou Are NOT the WorldStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/You-Are-NOT-the-World/444652829852256048.html2014-08-25T07:00:00Z2014-08-25T07:00:00Z<p><em>(originally published March 2, 2009)</em></p>
<p>A frequent caller "issue" is this: someone in the family has died, and somehow, in the midst of everyone's grief, the caller has the time and energy to put anger and resentment toward someone who did not write, call, send flowers, show up, nor acknowledge the events in any way.<br /><br />Well of course this sounds strange, and perhaps even insensitive or even hostile, but there usually is another side to the story. The caller never seems to have any information or insight which might explain why this happened, and I'm left with a suggestion that they simply call or visit and see "what's up." This is generally met with even <em>more</em> anger as though I'm putting some extra burden on them when indeed they're the one who has been hurt or slighted.<br /><br /><strong>There are two explanations for this situation:</strong><br /><strong><br />First:</strong> when we are emotionally devastated by some sort of hurt or loss, it is not unusual (since we feel so out of control of our life's circumstances) to focus all of that pain towards something that we perceive as a slight. The "offending" person literally becomes a kind of emotional dumping ground for all our chaotic and excruciating feeling. In other words, we displace our grief into anger at someone or something concrete, because events often are not within our control.<br /><br /><strong>Second:</strong> sometimes, in our hurt, we feel unique and the center of the universe. Our pain is the only pain that matters or, at least, it is the worst pain imaginable and we expect everyone to care and be solicitous of us. When someone has issues in their own lives, we resent even having to consider that as important, and we can't imagine that interfering with our needs (or narcissistic vision of the world).<br /><br />For the sake of compassion, let us consider the "first" understanding as the most typical and powerful motivation and re-direct our energies into helping others who are suffering the loss right along with you - and not worry about others whose stories we simply don't know.</p>Staff2014-08-25T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/443705169624016225.html2014-08-22T07:00:00Z2014-08-22T07:00:00Z<br />
<p><em>It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.</em><br /><br />Howard Ruff<br />American financial adviser and writer<br />1931 -</p>
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<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/082214_quote.jpg" alt="" /><br /><br /></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-08-22T07:00:00Z11 Rules for Dating After a DivorceStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/11-Rules-for-Dating-After-a-Divorce/-247679268819415333.html2014-08-21T07:00:00Z2014-08-21T07:00:00Z<div><strong><br /></strong></div>
<ol>
<li><strong>Expand your brain with self-awareness</strong>. See a therapist. Find out how and why your marriage went south. Otherwise, you’re probably going to do the same thing all over again.</li>
<li><strong>Don’t rush into things</strong>. Don’t jump into the first bed or the first heart of the first person who’s nice to you because it makes your ego feel better. That’s a really bad idea. </li>
<li><strong>Don’t blame all women or all men for what you went through</strong>. Let’s be honest – some of what you went through was your own damn fault. You didn’t pay attention, you didn’t handle things with honesty and courage, and you got stuck the way you got stuck.</li>
<li><strong>Keep your responsibilities in order</strong>. After a divorce, many people tend to do nutty things. But you have responsibilities to other people, places and things. Keep them organized.</li>
<li><strong>Don’t be desperate</strong>. Desperation leads to settling and failed relationships. </li>
<li><strong>Don’t date with minor children</strong>. Your kids don’t need any more drama. They don’t need any more people to get attached to and wave goodbye to. They don’t need your emotional stress from the ups and downs of a romance.</li>
<li><strong>Get some single friends</strong>. Hanging around with your married friends all the time is going to be a burden on them. Give them a break and start developing friendships with other singles.</li>
<li><strong>Start dating outside of your norm</strong>. Your little fantasy world is what got you screwed in the first place. If you keep dating alcoholics, it’s because you’re too scared to be with someone healthy. Do something that scares you.</li>
<li><strong>Don’t complain about your ex</strong> – especially on dates. Act like a grownup.</li>
<li><strong>Appreciate being single</strong>. Take the time to grow, make new friends, try new things, and develop yourself. </li>
<li><strong>Before you get remarried, spend at least two years getting to know someone and attend nine months of premarital counseling</strong>. Just like when you buy a car, do your due diligence. That way if someone’s a lemon, you’ll find them out. </li>
</ol>
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<div><img src="/images/blog/082114_blog.jpg" alt="" /></div>
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<p> </p>Staff2014-08-21T07:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-754639230143874033.html2014-08-20T07:00:00Z2014-08-20T07:00:00Z<br /><br />Do you want to keep your marriage or not?<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_082014_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-08-20T07:00:00ZVideo: From 'A' to 'F' in Three MonthsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-From-A-to-F-in-Three-Months/910876057059543553.html2014-08-19T18:13:00Z2014-08-19T18:13:00Z<p><br />You used to think the world of someone. But over the last few months, they have suddenly started making terrible choices and their once-glowing character seems to have taken a nosedive. What should you do? Watch: <br /><br /><iframe height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/2fudEMMri48" frameborder="0" width="560"></iframe></p>Staff2014-08-19T18:13:00ZAm I Anti-Female?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Am-I-Anti-Female/-743554481929861912.html2014-08-18T14:57:00Z2014-08-18T14:57:00Z<p><em>(originally published February 19, 2009)</em></p>
<blockquote>
<p><em>"I love your show, but it makes me CRAZY when you subscribe to the double standard that men get a pass on being sexually cavalier but women are to be thoroughly and soundly condemned. Why, oh why, don't you condemn the men as much as the women? Why aren't they just as 'piggy' and deserving of condemnation? That societal attitude encourages men to attempt to use women sexually as their birthright and also encourages women to be insecure and distrustful of sex in general. You're putting a sexual burka on women overall with that attitude. </em><br /><br /><em>I'm not advocating casual sex. I'm condemning the acceptance of a double standard. Come on! There are two sides of that coin and each should assume major responsibility for engaging in casual sex. Until the act is equally condemned, how can women take those rules seriously?"</em></p>
</blockquote>
<p>This is an email from a listener taking me to task for what she perceives is a sort of anti-female, double standard mentality. <br /><br />First of all, God and nature are responsible for the <em>reality</em> of a double standard. Women have breasts from which to suckle the baby born from their uterus after a nine month gestation. Women's high-pitched voices and hearing are geared for the infant-mother bonding that miraculously takes place right after birth. Women's temperaments to nurture, cuddle, coo, and protect are hardwired into their psychological programming. Women are <em>different</em> from men.<br /><br />There is no question that men more easily dissociate love and sex. Young males in particular are open to sexual experiences for the challenge, orgasmic satisfaction, and status among other males. These qualities are not synonymous with femininity.<br /><br />Women give themselves sexually to men out of love, a desperate desire to be wanted and loved, or for money. It is not typical, as it is with men, for a woman to feel proud of the number of men who have penetrated her; and the only women who look for the sexual challenge are those so twisted with anti-male rage that domination of a male is a form of psychological rape which satisfies that neurotic anger.<br /><br />Males are generally out of control every which way until they fall in love and take on the obligations and responsibilities of a man committed to a woman and family. All the research demonstrates that men who are married make more money, are healthier and happier, and function better socially than "loner" men. In fact, the deranged males who perpetrate horrendous acts of violence are generally such loner males with no families to make them feel important, give them purpose and direction...and love.<br /><br />Women are the taming and socializing force in society. Men will only do what women allow. Remember the ancient Greek classical play <em>"Lysistrata"</em>? The women in the town refused to have sex if their men continued to participate in war and violence. Poof, all the violence stopped. Women have always had the power over men; but feminism got women off the track of realizing that, and on the track to only hating or disdaining men.<br /><br />Now, <em>women</em> have largely become "pigs." Instead of embracing modesty, pride, values, and self-value, they parade around showing their bodies like Playboy bunnies, have sex before "hello," shack up with men without marital commitment, make babies on their own (declaring that men/fathers aren't necessary), use abortion as birth control, and don't imagine feminine sweetness has any place in marriage and are bored with sex with their husbands but turn on to every other Tom, Dick, and Harry. That is why men have little respect for women these days. </p>Staff2014-08-18T14:57:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/47460989695613826.html2014-08-15T15:46:00Z2014-08-15T15:46:00Z<br />
<p>A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.<br /><br />L. Frank Baum<br />American author<br />1856-1919<br />From <em>The Wonderful Wizard of Oz<br /></em><br />Said by The Wizard. The movie, <em>The Wizard of Oz,</em> had its Hollywood premiere 75 years ago today.</p>
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<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/081514_quote.jpg" alt="" width="442" height="600" /><br /><br /></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-08-15T15:46:00ZHow to Talk to a Parent About Their Child's BehaviorStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Talk-to-a-Parent-About-Their-Childs-Behavior/513007650713007391.html2014-08-14T22:23:00Z2014-08-14T22:23:00Z<p class="yiv980644222msonormal"><br />Approaching another parent about their child’s behavior is a lot harder than it used to be. When I was a kid, parents were less rude, combative and self-centered. People lived in tighter-knit communities in which the parents all knew each other and helped keep track of what each other’s kids were doing. If another parent called your parents and said that you had done something wrong, you would be punished without question.</p>
<p class="yiv980644222msonormal">Nowadays, it’s much more difficult to bring up another parent’s child without World War III erupting. Many parents aren’t raising their kids anymore, so when they hear that their child is doing something wrong, they register it as, “I’m a bad parent” and become defensive.</p>
<p class="yiv980644222msonormal">Here are three tips to make talking with another parent about their child’s behavior go more smoothly:</p>
<ol>
<li><strong>Start by saying that you want to find out their child’s point of view.</strong> The best way to begin the conversation is to focus on why their kid has a problem with yours. That way, you’re not attacking their child, but rather trying to understand them. The child’s mother or father will (likely) be more curious and interested than defensive. </li>
<li><strong>When their child gives their point of view, be respectful.</strong> Don’t fight it or call them a liar. Just say, “OK, that’s very helpful.”</li>
<li><strong>Emphasize how things can be fixed, not who caused it. </strong>Oftentimes, parents get <em>way</em> too caught up in who started what. It doesn’t matter. Kids do and say dumb stuff all the time. They also can be very mean and irrational. What you should really care about is how you can fix it so that neither child is obsessing over the conflict anymore. If both parents can work together to help call a truce, then both kids will be better off. </li>
</ol>
<p class="yiv980644222msonormal">Unfortunately, sometimes you’re simply going to run into parents who will attack you and your child no matter how much you apologize. They are just mean or psycho, and you now understand why their child is such a pain in the butt. If that’s the case, you are not going to make any headway. Politely end the conversation, and tell your kid to avoid their child. If there is any further contact at school, talk to a teacher or principal. If there is physical contact, call the police. <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/081414a_blog.jpg" alt="" /> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>Staff2014-08-14T22:23:00ZVideo: Dating Someone with Minor ChildrenStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Dating-Someone-with-Minor-Children/-652664801880681529.html2014-08-13T18:43:00Z2014-08-13T18:43:00Z<p><br />Deciding to not date someone with minor children can cause some social problems. What can one do? Watch: <br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/o3rbJDBIsXQ" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2014-08-13T18:43:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-719860631219673447.html2014-08-13T13:45:00Z2014-08-13T13:45:00Z<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_081214_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-08-13T13:45:00ZParental AbdicationStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Parental-Abdication/490352077659433661.html2014-08-11T15:47:00Z2014-08-11T15:47:00Z<p><em>(originally published February 12, 2009)</em></p>
<p>Why am I not surprised when callers complain about the lack of respect their children display? Simple. Way too many parents never take on a leadership role in the first place. It is profoundly sad to me when I give some direction to a parent which requires them to draw a line in the sand and I hear back, "But my son/daughter will get mad or pout."<br /><br />A recent caller wanted to know how to handle her 16-year-old daughter who wanted to bring a boyfriend with her on a family cruise. I told her to tell her daughter that this was completely inappropriate and she could go on a cruise with him when they were married adults.<br /><br />The mother just sucked in her breath and sighed in pain because, "She will just make our lives miserable." Well, we now know how this parent runs her home: she gives the kid(s) whatever will keep them from needing to be actually parented. And, without proper parenting, these children grow up into out-of- control, disrespectful, entitlement-demanding, self-centered unhappy adults.<br /><br />Here is a letter from one mother who "gets it":</p>
<blockquote>
<p><em>Hi Dr. Laura:</em><br /><br /><em>I just listened in amazement to the call from the mom who was afraid to tell her teenage daughter that the daughter's boyfriend could not come on a cruise with the family. Mom was afraid her daughter would pout. We have a teen daughter who would never dream of asking for a boyfriend to come on a trip with the family let alone pout if we said no. It's because as my husband smilingly tells the kids, we subscribe to the Reagan doctrine when it comes to child rearing: peace through strength. </em><br /><br /><em>Deborah</em></p>
</blockquote>
<p>Amen to that.<br /> <br /></p>Staff2014-08-11T15:47:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-584749635937773204.html2014-08-07T22:05:00Z2014-08-07T22:05:00Z<br />
<p><em>A window of opportunity won't open itself.<br /></em><br /><br />Dave Weinbaum<br /><em>The One-Line Philosopher</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/080814_blog.jpg" alt="" /><br /><br /></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-08-07T22:05:00ZWhy We Stay in Bad RelationshipsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-We-Stay-in-Bad-Relationships/-275676505856164203.html2014-08-07T17:59:00Z2014-08-07T17:59:00Z<p><br />Why do so many people stay in bad relationships? Here are some of the most common reasons:</p>
<ul>
<li><strong>Laziness.</strong> One of the hidden benefits of staying in a bad relationship is that even though you’re miserable, at least it’s familiar. Ending a relationship means venturing out into unfamiliar and uncomfortable territory.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>Avoiding the pain of breaking up and moving on.</strong> There are few things in life that have more pain and conflict associated with them than breaking up. And the longer you’ve been with someone, the worse it is. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>Denial.</strong> Our psyches are masters of disguise and camouflage.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>Playing the martyr. </strong>A lot of people justify staying with someone because they’re trying to help or fix them. However, what they are really doing is making themselves feel needed in order to lessen their own feelings of insecurity.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>Holding onto your childhood. </strong>Many people stay in unhealthy relationships as a way to hold onto a dynamic from their childhood. For more on this topic, read my book, <em>Bad Childhood – Good Life</em>. <em> </em></li>
</ul>
<p>So, how do you break free from a bad relationship? Just ask yourself this simple “yes or no” question:</p>
<p><strong><em>Is this something I am willing to live with for the next 20 years?</em></strong></p>
<p>You must decide what you can and cannot live with, set that as a boundary, and then defend it. That’s where most people get lazy because <strong>it means breaking habits, doing something new and different, and taking responsibility for your own life.</strong></p>
<p>I know that change is scary. Nobody thinks it’s fun to throw their lives into chaos and uncertainty. Nobody wants to have to date again, put themselves at the mercy of somebody else’s expectations, and kiss a lot of frogs before one turns into a prince. However, you only have one life to live, so don’t waste it. <strong>Spending time with the wrong person is never better than being alone.</strong></p>
<p><strong>Remember, when you give up the bad but familiar and allow yourself to do something new and uncomfortable, the uncomfortable eventually will become familiar and, therefore, comfortable.</strong><strong> </strong></p>
<p><img src="/images/blog/080714_blog.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2014-08-07T17:59:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/443868941587919909.html2014-08-06T16:02:00Z2014-08-06T16:02:00Z<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_080614_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-08-06T16:02:00ZVideo: My Husband's Best Friend CheatedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-My-Husbands-Best-Friend-Cheated/-691606554234836600.html2014-08-05T21:51:00Z2014-08-05T21:51:00Z<p><br />When you know someone has cheated on their spouse, do you let the spouse know about the infidelity? Watch: <br /><br /><iframe height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/JyoIh69-vu8" frameborder="0" width="560"></iframe></p>Staff2014-08-05T21:51:00ZEndurance, Not Therapy, Is the Answer to Some of Life's ChallengesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Endurance,-Not-Therapy,-Is-the-Answer-to-Some-of-Lifes-Challenges/-799266920649922042.html2014-08-04T15:05:00Z2014-08-04T15:05:00Z<p><em>(originally published February 5, 2009)</em></p>
<p>How did we as a people get so "knee jerk" about going into therapy every time we face a challenge or disappointment? <br /><br />One caller to my radio program was having her three year old son tested for muscular dystrophy, a devastating illness, and the results wouldn't be coming for two weeks. She wanted to know how to "cope" with the two week wait. I told her that she was simply going to feel stressed and scared - that was normal, and was to be "endured." She, like many others realizing they had to feel some emotional pain for a while, asked if she should go into therapy!<br /><br />I asked her what she thought the folks who blazed the trail west in covered wagons did when people died of illness or accident, or if the Indians attacked or food got scarce? Did they all line up in front of a therapist's tent to express their pain and look for a magic cure to get through the sometimes unpleasant realities of life, or did they pray, hold onto each other and ultimately....endure?<br /><br />She laughed, and said, <em>"I see what you mean."</em><br /><br />We are sturdier creatures than we take credit for. I am a licensed therapist, and there are, indeed, situations in which individuals cannot endure, due to a distinct compromise in a person's ability to be rational, such as mental illness or severe trauma. In these situations, I refer people to mental health professionals. <br /><br />But most things in life that we must deal with often are best served with some love, some advice, some prayer, and an acknowledgment that sometimes life just doesn't feel good for a while. <br /><br />I have told innumerable callers there is no quick fix for a bad situation - and sometimes, there is no "fix" at all. I tell them also to turn <strong><em>to</em></strong> each other (family and friends), rather than turn <strong><em>on</em></strong> each other with resentment, frustration, or anger.<br /><br />Much of life must be endured. There is still always beauty, such as seeing the flowers among the fertilizer, and there is always light (hope and alternatives).</p>Staff2014-08-04T15:05:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-756051987283378796.html2014-08-01T15:18:00Z2014-08-01T15:18:00Z<br />
<p>In the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back.<br /><br />Charles M. Schulz<br />1922 – 2000<br />American cartoonist<br />Creator of the comic strip <em>Peanuts</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/080114_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="423" /><br /><br /></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-08-01T15:18:00ZTips For Overcoming Negative ThinkingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Tips-For-Overcoming-Negative-Thinking/-642778575710694931.html2014-07-31T19:24:00Z2014-07-31T19:24:00Z<p><em><br />"Watch your thoughts, they become words.<br />Watch your words, they become actions.<br />Watch your actions, they become habits.<br />Watch your habits, they become your character.<br />Watch your character, it becomes your destiny."<br /></em>-Lao Tzu <br /><br />We all have days where we see the glass as half empty (and leaking). But life is tough if you're negative all the time. <br /><br />Here are some things you can do to help overcome your negative thoughts: </p>
<ul>
<li><strong>Yoga</strong>. Meditating or doing yoga brings you into the present moment instead of what's happening in your life. </li>
<li><strong>Smile</strong>. When you pass by a mirror, make a point to smile. Seeing yourself smiling will improve your mood. </li>
<li><strong>Surround yourself with positive people</strong>. When you're stuck in a negative spiral, talking to other people can put things into perspective. </li>
<li><strong>Change the way you think about things</strong>. For example: </li>
</ul>
<blockquote>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><span style="white-space: pre;"> -</span> <em>"But I've never done this before."</em> vs. <em>"I have an opportunity to learn something new."</em> <br /><br /><span style="white-space: pre;"> -</span> <em>"This is way too complicated."</em> vs.<em> "I'm going to break this down into simple little steps." </em><br /><br /><span style="white-space: pre;"> -</span> <em>"I don't have the resources."</em> vs. <em>"Necessity is the mother of invention."</em> <br /><br /><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>- <em>"I don't have enough time."</em> vs. <em>"Let me re-evaluate my priorities and nix some of the stuff I don't need to be doing." </em><br /><br /><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>- <em>"There's no way it will work."</em> vs. <em>"I'm going to find a way to make it work. Failure is NOT an option." </em><br /><br /><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>- <em>"This is too big of a change."</em> vs. <em>"This is an adventure."</em> <br /><br /><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>- <em>"No one talks to me."</em> vs. <em>"I'm going to make an effort to start some conversations and show interest in other people." </em><br /><br /><span style="white-space: pre;"> </span>-<em> "I'm not getting any better at this."</em> vs. <em>"I'm going to give this another chance because I'm smart enough to get better at it eventually." </em></p>
</blockquote>
<ul>
<li><strong>Don't play the victim</strong>. You are the architect of your life - take responsibility for it! </li>
<li><strong>Help someone else</strong>. One of the best ways to snap out of your sorry self is to do something nice for somebody else. </li>
<li><strong>Don't dwell on your mistakes</strong>. Everybody screws up, nobody's perfect, and the most important thing about a screw-up is the repair.</li>
</ul>
<div><img src="/images/blog/073114_blog.jpg" alt="" /></div>Staff2014-07-31T19:24:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/322554587599413352.html2014-07-30T07:00:00Z2014-07-30T07:00:00Z<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_073014_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-07-30T07:00:00ZVideo: My Spouse Won't ExerciseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-My-Spouse-Wont-Exercise/-735917877546191727.html2014-07-29T18:56:00Z2014-07-29T18:56:00Z<p><br />Has your spouse's refusal to see the benefits of working out become a "hot-button" topic in your marriage? Watch: <br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/MFPWqlQjUHk" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2014-07-29T18:56:00ZHow to Choose a MateStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Choose-a-Mate/519098773751801716.html2014-07-28T14:00:00Z2014-07-28T14:00:00Z<p><em>(originally published February 2, 2009)</em></p>
<p>Recently, a male listener, with a very undeveloped maturity bone, called to complain about his new wife. It seemed that she was no longer the party girl he dated for two months prior to the well-thought out marriage, and he was upset that she was starting to "nest." How utterly disappointing and boring.<br /><br />I told him he had to dump her and find a drug addicted, alcoholic, promiscuous hussy to marry to keep the party going. And then I went onto the next caller. It was that kind of day.<br /><br />It is important, though, to know what you want when you date; it saves time and emotion. CNN.com posted a blog by Wendy Atterberry entitled, <em>"Seven Traits to Investigate on a First Date."</em> The seven were:<br /><br /></p>
<ol>
<li>Pet situation, </li>
<li>Employment status</li>
<li>Dream vacation</li>
<li>Perfect Saturday night,</li>
<li>Perfect Sunday afternoon</li>
<li>Romantic aspirations ... dating for fun or marriage?</li>
<li>Kissing style. </li>
</ol>
<p><br />My take is that #6 should determine whether or not to even have a date in the first place. I have told many women on my program that they should inquire as to the long-term intentions of the man before or at the beginning of the <em>first</em> date. "I'm dating to look for someone to share my life with and help raise my 84 children in a forever marriage...and why are you dating?" would be a good start as far as I'm concerned. If you both want to party, or only one is serious...it's important to know.<br /><br />Numbers 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, are interesting and have importance down the line for the sake of mutual interest and compatibility of lifestyle, although a lot of that can change when one is in love.<br /><br />Number 2, employment status, is another one of those significant facts to know before you agree to a date. Folks who are flaky, unstable, unmotivated or unprepared for adult lives shouldn't date.<br /><br />I was seriously stunned that the most important issues - for example, religion -- were left out. It is an important bonding agent to have mutual spiritual identities. <br /><br />Relationship with parents is also important, as it tells you a lot about the health of the extended family. The desire to have children and about how many is an important issue, as is the determination to raise and love children or pay hired help to "raise" them and watch them grow from a busy distance. Finances, debts, and philosophy of saving versus spending would be good to know in advance too. <br /><br />Hobbies and other activities which can both build interest and mutual experiences, or interfere with the relationship and leave someone lonely are important as well. Politics and life philosophy discussions would reveal similarities and differences (not always bad) in expectations, preferences, and attitudes <br /><br />Am I kidding? Do I really think you folks should talk this seriously on the first date? Shouldn't you just marinate in each other's furtive, sensual glances? No, I am not kidding. Yes...even before the first date if you're spending some "get to know you" phone time. And yes...romantic glances are wonderful.</p>Staff2014-07-28T14:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/232506380734497248.html2014-07-25T15:00:00Z2014-07-25T15:00:00Z<br />
<p><em>To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup,</em><br /><em>Whenever you're wrong, admit it;</em><br /><em>Whenever you're right, shut up.</em><br /><br /><br />Ogden Nash<br />American poet and humorist<br />1902-1971</p>
<p> </p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: NaNpx; margin-right: NaNpx;" src="/images/blog/072514_quote.jpg" alt="" /><br /><br /></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-07-25T15:00:00Z8 Ways to Reboot Your MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/8-Ways-to-Reboot-Your-Marriage/133016770989627400.html2014-07-24T17:59:00Z2014-07-24T17:59:00Z<p>One of the biggest causes of marital problems is that people ask what their marriage can do for them and not what they can do for their marriage. Here are eight things you can do to make your marriage better:</p>
<ol>
<li><strong>Don’t dwell on your spouse’s shortcomings</strong>. If you focus in on what’s bad about your spouse instead of their positive qualities, your marriage will suffer. </li>
<li><strong>Make your spouse feel needed</strong>. Ask them for help. Even if it’s something you can handle yourself, it makes your husband or wife feel good.</li>
<li><strong>Smile when your spouse walks into the room.</strong> It lets them know you are happy to see them. </li>
<li><strong>Discover new places and experiences together. </strong>It builds togetherness. </li>
<li><strong>Work on yourself. </strong>Developing your own interests or learning new skills makes you more interesting and attractive to your spouse. </li>
<li><strong>Have an evening ritual.</strong> For example, at 5 o’clock the wine comes out and your feet go up. <strong> </strong></li>
<li><strong>Engage in physical contact outside the bedroom</strong>. You can tell a happily married couple from 50 feet away – their body language says it all. Hold hands while you walk together, or snuggle together in front of the TV. </li>
<li><strong>Send your spouse a text.</strong> How much sway do you think any of the women at your husband’s work will have if you send him a message saying that you miss the smell of his neck when he leans in for a kiss? Or what mom won’t have a better day with the kids when she gets a text from her husband saying, “You are the softest, sweetest, most adorable woman I could ever imagine.”?</li>
</ol>
<p>The recipe for a perfect marriage is simple: choose wisely – treat kindly. And as you can see, treating kindly isn’t all that hard.</p>
<p><img src="/images/blog/072414_blog_a.jpg" alt="" /></p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<span style="font-size: 12px;">
<p class="yiv1530595169msonormal" style="font-size: 12px;"><span><br /><br /></span></p>
<br /><ol style="font-size: 12px;"> </ol></span>Staff2014-07-24T17:59:00ZI Overheard Two Women GossipingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/I-Overheard-Two-Women-Gossiping/286816903792046412.html2014-07-21T15:49:00Z2014-07-21T15:49:00Z<p><em>(originally published January 21, 2009)</em></p>
<p>On a recent Sunday afternoon I was having my favorite salad (spinach salad - hold the dressing) at one of my favorite restaurants, when I couldn't help noticing two well-coiffed and dressed women having lunch (salads and pizza) at the table directly to my right side. <br /><br />I was not intentionally trying to listen to what they were saying - I promise you! - it's just that every now and then, the noise lulled and I could hear one of them say, <em>"Yes, she is so nice/smart/talented, etc.".</em> I don't believe they were talking about the same woman each time, but I was so impressed that two women "gossiping" over lunch were - brace yourself - saying nice things about another woman or women!<br /><br />When we got ready to leave, I went over to the table and admitted that I could hear some of what they were saying - although I wasn't really trying to - and that I was immensely impressed that having had the opportunity to be critical or catty, that they were both speaking so nicely about others. I further said, <em>"You two must be really nice people!"</em><br /><br /><br />They smiled at me - with distinct surprise - and one of them immediately said, "You must be a nice person too to stop and say this to us."<br /><br /><br />Wow - a real "karma" moment. <br /><br /><br />Why don't you look carefully around you and take the opportunity to compliment folks you see who are doing the "right thing."<br /><br /></p>Staff2014-07-21T15:49:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/166641304989286983.html2014-07-18T14:41:00Z2014-07-18T14:41:00Z<br />
<p><em>Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best.</em><br /><br /><br />Bob Talbert<br />Newspaper columnist<br />Detroit Free Press<br />1936 - 1999</p>
<p> </p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/071814_quote.jpg" alt="" width="457" height="600" /><br /><br /></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-07-18T14:41:00ZHow to Deal with Annoying NeighborsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Deal-with-Annoying-Neighbors/-590215783425026244.html2014-07-16T17:59:00Z2014-07-16T17:59:00Z<p> </p>
<p>Annoying neighbors can range from noisy to rude to just plain creepy. Here are some tips for dealing with an un-neighborly neighbor:</p>
<span style="font-size: 12px;">
<p> </p>
<ol>
<li>First, <strong>ask yourself if you're being reasonable. </strong>For example, let's say you work the graveyard shift<em> </em>and sleep during the day. You can't fly off the handle at your neighbor's kids for playing outside. Kids are supposed to laugh, yell, scream, and have fun. Get some noise-canceling headphones and go back to sleep.</li>
<br /><br />
<li>Once you determine that you are being reasonable, you have to <strong>specify in your own mind what the problem is and how often it occurs.</strong> Then, <strong>find out the laws and rules of your building or community.</strong> There are codes and ordinances in every town and city, so educate yourself about what's legal and what's not. </li>
<br /><br />
<li>If your neighbor isn't doing anything evil or illegal but is just being annoying, <strong>approach them first by bringing over a plate of cookies.</strong> This may sound stupid, but it's not the typical person who meets cookies with hostility. If you're having a problem, for example, with their obnoxious dog, tell them, "I came over with these cookies because I figured you have a lot going on with the dog. I have found that _____ works really well." In other words, you're coming over to be nice and helpful, not confrontational. </li>
<br /><br />
<li>If the cookies don't work, then <strong>you need to have a one-strike policy</strong>. <strong>Ask your other neighbors and find out if they're experiencing the same thing.</strong> <strong>Document <em>everything</em>. </strong>Keep a record of what the bad neighbor is doing, and if possible, film it so you have a time-stamped video.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>Go through the proper channels to get the problem remedied. </strong>(Landlord, housing authority, police, etc.)</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>If all else fails, get out of Dodge. </strong> </li>
</ol>
<p> </p>
<p><br /><img src="/images/blog/071714_blog.jpg" alt="" /></p>
</span>Staff2014-07-16T17:59:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/170459116490016144.html2014-07-16T14:20:00Z2014-07-16T14:20:00Z<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_071614_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-07-16T14:20:00ZVideo: Sleepaway CampStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Sleepaway-Camp/686277597020109637.html2014-07-15T20:05:00Z2014-07-15T20:05:00Z<p><br />Is a parent being selfish by not sending their child to summer sleepaway camp? Watch: <br /><br /><iframe height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/UlDVOB8LpWk" frameborder="0" width="560"></iframe></p>Staff2014-07-15T20:05:00ZGirls as PigsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Girls-as-Pigs/943654162391295923.html2014-07-14T15:16:00Z2014-07-14T15:16:00Z<p><em>(originally published January 14, 2009)</em></p>
<p>I'm very sad that, generally, girls today are pigs. I was speaking with a group of young men in their early twenties, about their social lives. They each admitted to multiple girlfriends with "overlap." Most of them expressed some disappointment that they really can't find what they know Dr. Laura would label a "nice girl."<br /><br /><em>"You think they are good girls, but the minute you show them some attention, if they're at all interested, they are all over you with zillions of daily suggestive text messages and sex. They're open for, ahem, servicing us, even before we've taken 'em out on legitimate dates - which can usually be just a visit to a bar or club.</em><br /><br /><em>"I think,"</em> one fellow continued, <em>"that just about all girls these days are pigs."</em><br /><br />This made me very, very sad. Because the more that young women act like "pigs," the less respect and regard men have for women in general - and the less they hope and fantasize the blessed possibility of a lovely wife and mother to their 84 children.<br /><br />I opened the paper today to read about a young woman from San Diego who is selling her virginity on a website so that she can pay for her - get ready for this - education as a marriage and family therapist! Her sister apparently led the way by being a call-girl/hooker to pay for her education. Well, there is nothing new in women selling their bodies for financial compensation; what is new <em>is</em> the bold and cavalier way it is happening today. The young women I mentioned said outright that sex and virginity means nothing today. And this is the sort to help families and marriages? Are you kidding?<br /><br />When everything of value is demoted to "nothing"...then how is <em>anything</em> ever elevated to "something." See? That's why I'm sad. I'm sad for all these young men who have been taught by the piggish women of today that love, fidelity, and intimacy mean nothing. I am sad that our young men have been robbed of hope that they can ever be secure in a marriage, because how can they trust a cavalier "pig" to ever be anything else?</p>Staff2014-07-14T15:16:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-304357243599256662.html2014-07-11T16:28:00Z2014-07-11T16:28:00Z<br />
<p><em>If you’re not making mistakes then you’re not doing anything.</em><br /><br /><br />John Robert Wooden<br />American basketball player and coach<br />1910–2010</p>
<p> </p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/071114_quote_a.jpg" alt="" /><br /><br /></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-07-11T16:28:00ZWhy There Is No Such Thing as a Soul MateStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-There-Is-No-Such-Thing-as-a-Soul-Mate/-874251637713406630.html2014-07-10T16:12:00Z2014-07-10T16:12:00Z<p> </p>
<p>There is no such thing as a soul mate. Why? Because if you actually believe there is one person on the entire face of the planet for you, what are the chances that they live on the same continent, let alone in the same city? How can there only be <em>one</em> person out of seven billion who will understand, accept and love you (and vice versa)? </p>
<p><strong>Romanticizing that you have a soul mate is a cheap, courage-less, not-willing-to-work-hard way of looking at things because it means love is easy.</strong> It's magic. It just sort of happens. </p>
<p>Now, there is such a thing as infatuation, but it's temporary. As soon as things get a little difficult or the other person starts showing who they really are, the relationship takes a turn for the worse. </p>
<p><strong>True love evolves.</strong> It doesn't appear spontaneously, but grows and develops, mostly through two people working things out together (F.Y.I.: "<strong>staying around" is not the same thing as "working it out"</strong>)<strong>. Only when you've been through trials and tribulations, and to hell and back again several times with that person (and made it out hand in hand), do you respect and admire each other.</strong> <em>That</em> is love.</p>
<p>There are probably enumerable people on the face of the Earth that you could have a wonderful, loving life with if you (and they) are emotionally and psychologically healthy and mature. There is no such thing as a soul mate. <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/071014_blog.jpg" alt="" /> </p>
<p> </p>Staff2014-07-10T16:12:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/52653631883123491.html2014-07-09T19:08:00Z2014-07-09T19:08:00Z<br /><br />Marriage tip...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_063014_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-07-09T19:08:00ZVideo: My Messy Chaotic RelativesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-My-Messy-Chaotic-Relatives/712193926730607112.html2014-07-08T19:31:00Z2014-07-08T19:31:00Z<p><br />Your relatives invite themselves for overnight stays. If that's not bad enough, they're slobs. What can you do? Watch: <br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/n1FCMGRi0nY" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2014-07-08T19:31:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-188769095863165564.html2014-07-02T07:00:00Z2014-07-02T07:00:00Z<br />
<p><em>From every mountain side</em><br /><em>Let Freedom ring.</em><br /><br /><br />Samuel F. Smith<br />American Baptist minister, journalist, and author<br />1808-1844<br /><em>from the song "America,” published in 1832, for which Smith wrote the lyrics</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/070414_quote.jpg" alt="" /><br /><br /></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-07-02T07:00:00ZChoosing LifeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Choosing-Life/154439968823999103.html2014-06-30T07:00:00Z2014-06-30T07:00:00Z<p><em>(originally published 4.1.2008)</em></p>
<p><br />I want to share with you a letter I got from a woman who listens to my radio program:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><em>Two weeks ago, I was diagnosed with a serious, progressive, degenerative disease, which will eventually end in a torturous death. That's the bad news. Now for the great news.</em></p>
<p><em>I believe this may be the best gift I could have been given. Thanks to you and just the title of your book, "Stop Whining, Start Living," I realize I have received knowledge most people never get-that is, that this is my best day. I will never feel better, so I CHOOSE to live it thoroughly, and wring out every last drop of love, laughter and giving that I can. Tomorrow, I will CHOOSE to do the same.</em></p>
<p><em>You can't imagine how energizing this is, to know that each day is the best day of your life.</em></p>
</blockquote>
<p>There is an old Rabinnic story lesson that Satan's most potent weapon is to let humans believe they have "all the time in the world." That's because when we feel that time is limitless, we tend to put less value in each moment...in each day. When we don't value the moment, we don't tend to make the best, most noble decisions, and instead, follow our impulses - thereby making our souls more "available" to Satan, as the story goes.</p>
<p>When I received this letter, I was truly and deeply impacted. I wondered at first, as I suspect most of you would too, if I could dig that deep into myself to pull out that perspective and live it. I then realized that this woman's thoughts would be in my head for the rest of my life, and would inspire and guide me if I have to face imminent and painful mortality. My final reaction, with a slap against my own forehead, is that we need to live each day with her mentality.</p>
<p>She isn't ignoring or denying her disastrous fate. She is CHOOSING to live each day in order to make it the best she'll ever have. In her case, it's literally true. For you and me, it is figuratively true, and therefore, wholly dependent upon our choice of mood and behaviors.</p>
<p>Her letter is at the philosophical center of my book, "Stop Whining, Start Living." It humbles me to be reminded of my own words by people who are struggling more than I. I am reminded of the values I hold most dear, and which help me survive the nonsense and villainy that tempt every day's despair. Purpose is the antidote to despair. And teachers need to be reminded of that, too.</p>Staff2014-06-30T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-742083202441995935.html2014-06-27T14:42:00Z2014-06-27T14:42:00Z<br />
<p><em>The great thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been.</em><br /><br /><br />Madeline L’Engle<br />American writer of young adult fiction<br />1918 - 2007</p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-06-27T14:42:00ZAccepting Your LimitationsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Accepting-Your-Limitations/859308714743401381.html2014-06-26T20:57:00Z2014-06-26T20:57:00Z<p> </p>
<p><strong>"A man's got to know his limitations." <br /> – Clint Eastwood in <em>Magnum Force</em></strong></p>
<p>There’s a lot of kissy-huggy pyschobabble out there that says limitations are only in your head. Bullpuckies! <strong>We<em> ALL</em> have limitations.</strong> I will never be as drop-dead gorgeous as Grace Kelly or have the I.Q. of Stephan Hawking – it's just not going to happen.</p>
<p><strong>Being honest with ourselves and accepting that we have limitations is the first step in dealing with them.</strong> We all have limitations based on size, age and general ability. There is no one on the face of the Earth without issues, problems, aches, pains, groans, apprehensions, and/or fears. But instead of being embarrassed or angry, we should be clear about them and embrace them.</p>
<p>Once you accept that you have a particular limitation, the next thing you need to do is<strong> learn to work with it. </strong>Have you ever watched the Paralympics? There are people playing basketball in wheelchairs and swimming without limbs. How do they do it? <strong>They don’t mope – they get creative.</strong> <strong>They have accepted their limitations and found other ways to deal with them. </strong></p>
<p>For many people, limitations are a fuzzy line. <strong>Sometimes we are more limited than we realize because we put limitations on ourselves. Maybe attitude, fear or worry is making something bigger in your head than it actually is.</strong> So, instead of saying, "I <em>can't</em> do ___ ," ask yourself, "How <em>can</em> I do it another way?"</p>
<p>Life has a habit of tripping us, kicking us and challenging us. But without challenges, it wouldn't be fun or worthwhile. <strong>Just because you have limitations, doesn't mean there is no opportunity to improve. Get creative and compete with yourself instead of measuring yourself against others. </strong>The more you push yourself, the more respect you'll have for yourself and the more other people will respect and admire you too. </p>
<p><img src="/images/blog/062614_blog.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2014-06-26T20:57:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/949579020315769567.html2014-06-25T14:01:00Z2014-06-25T14:01:00Z<br /><br />A parenting tip to remember...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_062514_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-06-25T14:01:00ZHappiness is NOT the Highest ValueStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Happiness-is-NOT-the-Highest-Value/-827907852020910657.html2014-06-23T07:00:00Z2014-06-23T07:00:00Z<p><em>(originally published 1.17.2008)</em></p>
<p><br /><br />Earlier this week, I got a call from a 36-year-old woman who has been "shacking up" with her boyfriend for four years. She wants to have children, but senses his ambivalence. The answer I gave her applies to all the otherwise intelligent women who do this.<br /><br />You should move out and say "I've decided I've made a horrible mistake and the next time I'm living under the same roof as a man, I'm going to be his wife!" You don't demand anything. You don't threaten anything. You act like a dignified woman, instead of an unpaid whore. It's as simple as that. A man who loves and respects a woman wouldn't treat you like that.<br /><br />When I asked this caller "What would you tell your son?" at first, she didn't understand that I was raising a hypothetical question about how she would explain this behavior to her "future" child. She started to say, "Well, if you're both happy, and you're both-" and I immediately cut in and said she should not make babies. If you're going to do that to your kid, don't have any. If you're going to tell your daughter "...as long as you're happy and you're screwing your brains out every night with a guy who doesn't want to commit his life to you, it's all okay!" - we don't need any more parents like that. <br /><br />That's why we have such chaos in our whole society - because you think "happy" at any one moment is the highest value. I think honor, sacrifice, and commitment are a higher honor than taking your daily "happiness" temperature, because a man staying true to his wife, who has terminal colon cancer, instead of dating is not happy. Is he happy? Then that can't be the highest quotient!<br /><br />If you want the world to deal on "happiness," then you have to understand that your man will leave you any day you don't make him happy, and will not honor you or any vow, because he doesn't have to! You've already taught him that if you're "happy," that's the only thing that matters.<br /><br />I don't think firemen are happy to run into burning buildings. I don't think they're "happy" doing that. I don't think police are "happy" to surround a building where somebody says he's going to shoot everybody. I don't think they lay awake in the morning and go "Gee, that makes me happy!" They have honor and sacrifice and duty and commitment to something higher than "feeling good" in and of themselves. Don't have children if you're going to teach them about "happiness." We have enough chaos in our society because people are doing what they "feel" like when it has no meaning and no projection into the future.<br /> <br />If you teach your sons to screw girls if it makes them happy, and as long as she's smiling and you don't have to make any commitment, don't make babies. We just don't need any more parents like you. We just don't.</p>Staff2014-06-23T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/491605620452059184.html2014-06-20T07:00:00Z2014-06-20T07:00:00Z<br />
<p><em>Some of the best memories are made in flip-flops.</em><br /><br /><br />Kellie Elmore<br />American poet and author</p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-06-20T07:00:00Z9 Ways to Improve Your MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/9-Ways-to-Improve-Your-Marriage/-77797517911911685.html2014-06-19T07:00:00Z2014-06-19T07:00:00Z<p> </p>
<p>When a couple has been married for a number of years, they forget the beginning. They forget what they did and what they gave to earn the feeling of love. They also forget the gift they received in return. Truthfully, having a great relationship is incredibly simple.<strong> </strong>It just requires some meaningful moments and well-positioned comments.</p>
<p><strong><a href="http://www.aish.com/f/m/10_Ways_to_Make_a_Good_Marriage_Great.html" target="_blank">Here</a> are nine ways to improve your marriage:</strong></p>
<ol>
<li><strong>Spend uninterrupted time with your spouse.</strong> It’s the kids. It’s the phone. It’s the iPad. It’s the email. It’s the TV. Is there ever time when you just hang out with each other? (And I’m not talking about date night). Carving out 15 minutes a day of uninterrupted time devoted strictly to each other is imperative to building a connection and closeness with your husband or wife.</li>
<li><strong>Listen to and support each other</strong>.<em> </em>No matter how small, mundane or dumb you think it is, if you just hear them out and put your hand on theirs, that’s all it takes<em>. </em><strong>People need to feel like<em> THEY </em>matter.</strong><em> </em>If you give your spouse a hug and say, “Boy you went through all that and you still had a smile left for me when you walked through the door?”, they will melt. </li>
<li><strong>Express gratitude. </strong>Show appreciation for the small things you would normally take for granted. <strong>You’re gracious to strangers, so why not act that way towards your spouse?</strong> Something as small as saying “thank you” or telling your spouse how much you appreciate their efforts will make them feel good about themselves <strong><em>AND</em></strong> your relationship.</li>
<li><strong>Be kind.</strong> It only takes a moment. </li>
<li><strong>Never ignore</strong>. Giving the gift of attention shows your spouse they are important to you. </li>
<li><strong>Allow yourself to be influenced</strong>. Don’t be afraid to listen to your spouse and try some of the things they’re talking about. This is a hard one for people because their egos get in the way – guys with machismo, and women with feminism. A lot of guys don’t want to be told anything because they think it’s not manly. Many women figure, “I’m not going to let him tell me what to do. I am woman, hear me roar.” <strong> </strong></li>
<li><strong>Argue with respect.</strong> If you’re too upset during a confrontation, wait until you’ve calmed down a bit. Opening your mouth at the height of your fury is never a good idea. And once you’ve calmed down, <strong>address the problem, don’t attack the person. </strong>If your spouse is upset, don’t overreact. Instead, get them a glass of wine or a beer, sit down, rub their neck, and put your arms around them. <strong>Remember, bickering is <em>NOT</em> communication – it is an assault. </strong></li>
<li><strong>Learn how to make up.</strong> <strong>Love is never being afraid to say “I’m sorry”. </strong>You can use humor (“I’m sorry, sometimes the top and bottom parts of me are both asses”), but if you goof up, own it, apologize and remedy it.</li>
<li><strong>Create rituals.</strong> Have things to look forward to together. For example, every Saturday take a walk, bike ride or hike. Couples connect by sharing purposeful activities together.</li>
</ol>
<p><img src="/images/blog/061914_blogpic.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2014-06-19T07:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-736633993878422021.html2014-06-18T18:13:00Z2014-06-18T18:13:00Z<br /><br />Do you want to know why I'm so blunt with callers?...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_061814_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-06-18T18:13:00ZVideo: Rescuing the ChildrenStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Rescuing-the-Children/-61069276074986315.html2014-06-17T18:58:00Z2014-06-17T18:58:00Z<p><br />Your daughter has children, but is mentally ill. Their father is a drug addict. You've done your duty, having raised your kids, so should you rescue your grandchildren? Watch: <br /><br /><iframe height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Rpb7yK-euBQ" frameborder="0" width="560"></iframe></p>Staff2014-06-17T18:58:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/740641479243841445.html2014-06-13T07:00:00Z2014-06-13T07:00:00Z<br />
<p><em>My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.</em><br /><br /><br />Clarence B. Kelland<br />American writer<br />1881-1964</p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-06-13T07:00:00ZWhy Your Character Always CountsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Your-Character-Always-Counts/621235170899979063.html2014-06-12T15:28:00Z2014-06-12T15:28:00Z<p> </p>
<p>Over the course of my 40-plus years in radio, I have hired a significant number of people. But there is one specific hire that was unlike any other. <br /><br />It was late one Friday night, and I had just moved into a new office building. I had recently offered my listeners that if anyone sent me one of my books with a self-addressed, stamped envelope, I would personalize it, sign it, and send it back to them. Well, either I didn't think it through or didn't realize this would be a popular thing, but every day we had hundreds of books coming in. <br /><br />So there I was, signing books and putting them in envelopes on a Friday night in a strange new building after everyone else had gone home. <br /><br />Suddenly, this person who I had never seen before popped their head into the room and asked if they could help. I looked around the room at the 200 books I still had to sign, and I gave a hearty, "Yes please!" <br /><br />So we set up an assembly line - this person (who will remain genderless) would open the book, I'd sign it, and they'd put it into the envelope. We took care of all the books in no time. <br /><br />At one point, the phone rang. Since I had just moved into the office, there were boxes strewn everywhere and I couldn't find the phone. It was like a scene out of a comedy movie as we both frantically looked around the room for the source of the ringing. Finally, this person found the phone and answered it, "Dr. Laura's office." After the call, I joked, "Do you want a job here?" We both laughed, finished the books, and I shook their hand. Before they left, I tried to give them some money, but they refused, saying they were just happy to help. <br /><br />On Monday morning, this person showed up. They walked in and said, "I'm here for the job." I was completely shocked. "Holy cow, I was just kidding!" I thought to myself. But then I had another thought. Talk about the best interview you could ever have. This person gave up several hours of their time on a <br />Friday night simply to help me and wouldn't take any compensation for it. <br /><br />So I hired this person. And I have never regretted a day of it. In fact, it will soon be 20 years that we have been working together. <br /><br />Why do I tell you this story? Because, your character always counts. When I saw this person's character, I thought, "How can I possibly do better than this?" </p>
<p><img src="/images/blog/061214_blog.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2014-06-12T15:28:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/421523487539198328.html2014-06-11T14:18:00Z2014-06-11T14:18:00Z<br /><br />Do you find yourself focusing on the negative?...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_061114_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-06-11T14:18:00ZVideo: My Parents Aren't Considering My HappinessStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-My-Parents-Arent-Considering-My-Happiness/-144400295474819311.html2014-06-10T20:30:00Z2014-06-10T20:30:00Z<p><br />You are 18 years old and are ready to start your life. You want to marry your boyfriend and then both of you plan to enlist in the armed forces, but your parents don't see your future that way. Should you confront them? Watch: <br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/yEVa457D_II" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2014-06-10T20:30:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/481898726906435759.html2014-06-06T14:25:00Z2014-06-06T14:25:00Z<br />
<p><em>The eyes of the world are upon you. I have full confidence in your courage, devotion to duty and skill in battle.</em><br /><br />General Dwight D. Eisenhower<br />Supreme Allied Commander of the Allied Expeditionary Force<br /><em>From a letter to the Soldiers, Sailors and Airmen of the Allied Expeditionary Force</em><br /><em>June 6, 1944</em><br /><br /><br />Today marks the 70th anniversary of "D-Day," the Allied assault on the coast of Normandy during World War II</p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-06-06T14:25:00ZWhy Our Dating Decisions Are Dumber Than Birds'Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Our-Dating-Decisions-Are-Dumber-Than-Birds/-449375085835930633.html2014-06-05T21:31:00Z2014-06-05T21:31:00Z<p> </p>
<p>What if we could arrange it so our bodies never felt pain? Your immediate reaction might be, “Of course! That’d be great to never feel pain!” However, pain is a warning sign. If you didn’t experience pain, you wouldn’t know if your hand was burning on a hot stove or if you were sick and needed to go to the doctor. </p>
<p>Without warning signs, we don’t know if something is wrong. Therefore, if we choose to ignore them, we can get into a lot of trouble – especially in relationships.</p>
<p><strong>A little bit of fear, anxiety and paranoia is very healthy.</strong> It keeps you alert, asking questions and attentive to red flags. Our brains are actually wired to look for red flags. All throughout the animal kingdom, females assess males on whether or not they’ve proven themselves; males have to duke it out or demonstrate something. For example, in certain species of birds, the female watches the male build a nest and then inspects it to make sure it’s up to snuff. If it’s not, he doesn’t get any nooky. It’s very simple. If he doesn’t have what it takes to take care of her and the little chickies, he’s toast.</p>
<p>Birds only have tiny little brains, and yet they somehow manage to get this right. The problem with humans is that the gray matter in our forebrains became so developed that we can actually <em>think</em>, which seems to be a bad thing for a lot of people. Why? Because <strong>we ignore what is healthy in favor of what is convenient and comfortable. Women stay with guys who don’t support them and can’t be relied upon. Men pick women they want to rescue instead of someone who has the qualities of a wife and mother. </strong>Even though we can “think,” we don’t <em>think </em>about shared morals, values, principles, and dreams. <strong>Do you admire, respect and support each other? Can you both communicate without yelling and screaming? Are you both loyal and faithful?</strong></p>
<p>This is why <strong>I recommend six to nine months of premarital counseling to couples before they get married.</strong> I know many people will sniff their noses at this because they don’t want to find out their relationship isn’t going to work. However,<strong> would you rather find out when you have the opportunity to make a wise choice, or three kids and a mortgage later?</strong></p>
<p><strong>Deciding who you want to spend your life with is perhaps the single most important decision you’ll ever make.</strong> It impacts your daily happiness, health, finances, social life, future kids, and what direction your life is going to take. You need to be more selective and actually pay attention to red flags. <strong>Don’t stay with someone out of guilt. Don’t try to save someone from themselves.</strong> <strong>Stop endlessly pondering “what if…”</strong> (What if he/she leaves me? What if I don’t find love again?) <strong>Sit down and make a list of what you are really looking for and need in a man or woman.</strong> What are the qualities? Be pragmatic. You are never going to find the absolutely <em>perfect </em>person (because let’s face it, nobody is perfect), but it will help you find someone who is mature, committed and kind.</p>
<p><strong>Choosing wisely is not about being horny, desperate or habituated. The choice has to be wiser than that. </strong></p>
<p><img src="/images/blog/060614_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></p>Staff2014-06-05T21:31:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/219004338707669122.html2014-06-04T15:20:00Z2014-06-04T15:20:00Z<br /><br />Frustrated with social networks interrupting mealtimes?... <br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_060414_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-06-04T15:20:00ZHow to Get Through a Bad Time with a Good AttitudeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Get-Through-a-Bad-Time-with-a-Good-Attitude/26090792848196545.html2014-05-29T07:00:00Z2014-05-29T07:00:00Z<p><br />In life, there are always going to be crises, stressful events, problems, frustrations and disappointments. And at the moment you're feeling depressed or anxious, the last thing you want to hear is that it's not as bad as it seems. However, unless you <strong>take a step back and look at the situation from a different perspective</strong>, nothing is going to get better. <br /><br /><strong>Any conversation you have or proactive action you take will help change the situation.</strong> By virtue of the fact that you're changing something, you make the initial bad situation pass and transform it into something else. If we hyperbolize the situation in our minds, it only gets more terrifying and your anxiety builds. <br /><br />One helpful thing I have found is to think back to the last time you felt like Chicken Little and the sky was falling. You handled it, right? Well, if you already know that you have handled it before, then you know you can do it again. Don't complain, whine or beg to be rescued. Use the coping skills that have already worked for you in the past. <br /><br /><strong>Here are a few more techniques to help you develop a more positive attitude during a bad time:</strong></p>
<ul>
<li><strong>Only listen to your internal dialogue if it's looking for a way out.</strong> For example, instead of saying, "I'll never get this finished by the end of the day," say, "I'll probably get most of this finished by the end of the day, but if I don't, too bad. I did the best I could." </li>
<li><strong>Learn to communicate your needs effectively.</strong> Holding things in is bad. If you're feeling frustrated, hurt or angry, start by saying, "I really need," instead of, "You never...".</li>
<li><strong>Take a hot bath. </strong></li>
<li><strong>Listen to soothing music or natural, repetitive sounds</strong> (e.g. waves, wind or white noise on a sound machine). </li>
<li><strong>Use soothing lights or fragrances.</strong></li>
<li><strong>Don't drink tea or coffee with a lot of caffeine.</strong></li>
<li><strong>Call a friend.</strong> It's really great to talk to somebody who can help you broaden the picture. It makes your fear a concrete element outside of yourself that you can look at better.</li>
<li><strong>Take the dog for a walk.</strong></li>
<li><strong>Go to an art gallery or museum.</strong></li>
<li><strong>Help someone.</strong> Do something for a neighbor, volunteer at the hospital, etc. </li>
<li><strong>Go to church.</strong></li>
<li><strong>Meditate. </strong></li>
<li><strong>Be affectionate.</strong></li>
<li><strong>Laugh at yourself. </strong></li>
<li><strong>Participate in new activities</strong> for both your body and mind. </li>
<li><strong>Don't watch television news.</strong> The mainstream media focuses on information that leads you to be negative and fearful. It's all about getting you to stop and gawk at a train wreck. </li>
</ul>
<div><img src="/images/blog/052914_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="425" /></div>Staff2014-05-29T07:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-290118719822367616.html2014-05-28T07:00:00Z2014-05-28T07:00:00ZAs a parent, what are the rules for taking something away from a child? <br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_052714_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-05-28T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-66450590990931433.html2014-05-23T07:00:00Z2014-05-23T07:00:00Z<p><br /><br /><em>The dead soldier’s silence sings our national anthem.</em><br /><br /><br />Aaron Kilbourn<br /><br /><br />Remember our fallen military this Memorial Day.</p>
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<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/052314_quote.jpg" alt="" /><br /><br /></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-05-23T07:00:00Z11 Ways Parents Mess Up Their KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/11-Ways-Parents-Mess-Up-Their-Kids/-864261390889327694.html2014-05-22T07:00:00Z2014-05-22T07:00:00Z<p><a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/pictures/how-to-create-a-spoiled-brat-9-parenting-no-nos/" target="_blank"><br /><br />Here</a> are 11 of the biggest parenting no-nos: <br /><br />1.<strong> Rescuing your child.</strong> Do you ever see mother birds not throwing their babies out of the nest? No! Many parents think, "But if I don't help them, they will fail." Yes, that's probably right, but what's wrong with that? There's no harm in being challenged and learning something. <br /><br />2. <strong>Not letting your child face the consequences.</strong> If they leave their lunch, schoolwork or gym clothes at home, don't bail them out. If they don't suffer the consequences of their actions, how are they going to become competent, functioning adults? <br /><br />3. <strong>Keeping your kid from ever being unhappy. </strong>This is probably the biggest mistake parents make - especially moms. No parent wants to see their child sad, hurt or frustrated, but these are reasonable human emotions. <strong>Let them fall so they can learn to pick themselves back up. </strong>Let them be disappointed. Unless their unhappiness is persistent (which is cause for concern), a child going through the normal negative emotions of a human being is not an unloved child.<strong> As a parent, you don't prove you love your child by protecting them from negative emotions - you're supposed to teach them how to deal with them. </strong><br /><br />4. <strong>Saying no but not meaning it.</strong> Don't say no and then back down later. Don't undermine your spouse by being the good cop. Also, don't give lengthy explanations. There is no argument or discussion that's going to change a child's mind. <br /><br />5. <strong>Offering bribes.</strong> Bribing your child to clean their room, brush their teeth or do their schoolwork makes you look weak and encourages them to expect a reward for everything. Can you imagine a grown man who brushes his teeth and then comes to his wife expecting a reward? <br /><br />6. <strong>Always putting your kid first.</strong> If your child tries to rudely interrupt while you and your spouse are talking to each other or someone else, say, "Mommy and Daddy are talking right now. Go into the other room, and we'll let you know when we are finished." <br /><br />7. <strong>Indulging the "gimmes".</strong> Just because you feel tired, annoyed or guilt-ridden, don't give your child something to shut them up. <br /><br />8. <strong>Tolerating rudeness.</strong> No matter how angry or upset your child becomes, they shouldn't be allowed to be rude, discourteous or violent. Rudeness needs to be stopped instantly in its tracks with a firm, "Stop it - now!" <br /><br />9. <strong>Giving in to "I hate you".</strong> Your child doesn't actually hate you; they say that because they know it gets to you. Make sure your kid knows that you are not going to change your mind just because he or she whines, pouts, throws a tantrum, or says, "I hate you". If your child says, "I hate you," lean down, look at them, and say, "Really?" That's it. Don't move. Just stare at them. It will make them feel uncomfortable.<br /><br />10. <strong>Saying too much.</strong> Giving them "the look" is much better. <br /><br />11. <strong>Making excuses for your child. </strong>Whether it's at home or at school, hold your kid accountable.</p>
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<p><img src="/images/blog/052214_blog(1).jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2014-05-22T07:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-846588689015574686.html2014-05-21T07:00:00Z2014-05-21T07:00:00ZWhat motivates men?<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_051914_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-05-21T07:00:00ZVideo: Dating While Living With a Chronic DiseaseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Dating-While-Living-With-a-Chronic-Disease/-755692403133104754.html2014-05-20T14:03:00Z2014-05-20T14:03:00Z<p><br /><br />A chronic disease can take a toll on many aspects of your life, including friendships and relationships. And if you're single, how can you date? Watch: <br /><br /><iframe height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/VcXkptvzMXw" frameborder="0" width="560"></iframe></p>Staff2014-05-20T14:03:00ZKnowing is Better Than Not Knowing, or Why I 'Push' Some Callers to DiscomfortStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Knowing-is-Better-Than-Not-Knowing,-or-Why-I-Push-Some-Callers-to-Discomfort/105898723763224510.html2014-05-19T07:00:00Z2014-05-19T07:00:00Z<p><em>(Originally published May 28, 2009)</em><br /><br />Researchers at the University of British Columbia studied people who had undergone genetic testing to determine their risk for developing the neurodegenerative terminal disorder known as Huntington's disease. Did you know (and can you believe) that those subjects who learned that they had a very high likelihood of developing this horrendous and ultimately fatal disease were "happier a year after testing than those who did not learn what their risk was."<br /><br />Many of you probably think that not knowing would result in more happiness, but you'd be wrong. According to Dr. Daniel Gilbert of Harvard University, <em>"...when we get bad news, we weep for a while, and then get busy making the best of it. We change our behavior; we change our attitudes. We raise our consciousness and lower our standards. We find our bootstraps and tug. But we can't come to terms with circumstances whose terms we don't yet know."</em><br /><br />Even those of you who listen to my program regularly may be shocked when I tell somebody their mother or father or spouse or even their child is a bum. You may wince when I have them scream out how righteously angry they are at parents who didn't protect them. You may also sometimes recoil from your radio or computer when you hear me push and push and push a caller until they reveal their innermost horrible truth. Perhaps you've seen me as cruel.<br /><br />The fact is, that as a professional psychotherapist I have long realized the value of dealing with the truth - as ugly as it might be. I've seen and heard people fighting to keep ugly truths submerged as though it protected them. In fact, the energy that goes into burying reality is huge, and not available for healthy living.<br /><br />Not everyone who calls is willing or ready for this evolutionary leap in their lives. Sometimes, they have to think about it more and come back later. That's fine. The seed is planted. I don't see my job as making every caller feel happy at the end of our brief conversation. I see my job as one of freeing them from their own personal jail of denial and avoidance, all of which lead to depression, anxiety, and poor (<em>very</em> poor) choices in life.<br /><br />Knowing is always better than not knowing. Several recent callers have demanded that I give them some magic to get their loved one to stop smoking or stop being obese. I tell them to give up that ongoing, unpleasant battle, and simply enjoy the time they do have with that person. Accepting what is out of your control opens you up to more happiness, because you are left with dealing with "what is," instead of fighting to have it be something else. <br /><br />You can wrap your arms and joys around what <em><strong>is</strong></em>. You can't do the same thing with what you <em>wish</em> was the truth.</p>Staff2014-05-19T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/424749404080169176.html2014-05-16T14:00:00Z2014-05-16T14:00:00Z<p><br /><br />Adolescence is when children start trying to bring up their parents...<br /><br />Richard Armour<br />American poet and author<br />1906 - 1989 </p>
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<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/051614_quote.jpg" alt="" width="598" height="400" /><br /><br /></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-05-16T14:00:00ZAre You Your Own Worst Critic?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Are-You-Your-Own-Worst-Critic/-485812649959224835.html2014-05-15T07:00:00Z2014-05-15T07:00:00Z<p>A little self-criticism is a good thing because it allows you to give yourself a reality check. However, there's a huge difference between self-criticism and self-sabotage. <br /><br />Here are some ways to stop yourself from going into full-on self-attack mode:</p>
<ol>
<li><strong>Make it small.</strong><br /><br /><strong>We have a tendency to blow our mistakes and failures way out of proportion. </strong>When you catch yourself doing this, picture a small box. Then imagine yourself taking the huge, upsetting thing and squeezing it into the little box.<strong> By making it small, it becomes more manageable to deal with. </strong><br /><br /></li>
<li><strong>Ask yourself if it's really that bad. </strong><br /><br />Something may feel like it is the most horrible thing to ever happen to anyone in the history of the universe, but is it really? In life, <strong>things aren't usually as bad as they seem </strong>because you are the center of your mental universe when you're inside your head. For example: "I really need to work out" vs. "I'm a fat, ugly blob." The first is a constructive statement of fact. The second is a gross overstatement. <br /><br /></li>
<li><strong>Ask yourself if you'd treat a beloved friend the way you're treating yourself. </strong><br /><br />If you wouldn't be that cruel to a close friend, don't be that cruel to yourself. <br /><br /></li>
<li><strong>Use humor. </strong><br /><br />For example, say, "Oh, here's my perfectionist gremlin taking over again." <strong>By giving it a name, it helps you separate yourself from the middle of it. </strong><br /><br /></li>
<li><strong>Talk to someone. </strong><br /><br />When you feel embarrassed or ashamed, pick up the phone and call someone you trust. Just say, "I feel like a complete idiot because I did/said ____," and then talk it out with them. <br /><br /></li>
<li><strong>Come up with a game plan. </strong><br /><br /></li>
<li><strong>Forget about being perfect.</strong> There's a school of Japanese aesthetics in which the artist always intentionally includes a flaw in a piece of art as a reminder that nothing is ever perfect. We should have integrity and respect for everything we do, but we shouldn't beat ourselves up when we can't do it all perfectly. <strong>One of the greatest imperfections is perfectionism. </strong><br /><br /></li>
</ol> <img style="border: 0px; margin: 5px auto; display: block;" src="/images/blog/051514_blog.jpg" alt="" width="375" height="500" /><br />Staff2014-05-15T07:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/892416879499834323.html2014-05-14T07:00:00Z2014-05-14T07:00:00ZFrom their mothers to their girlfriends to their wives, men look to women for attention, affection and approval. That's why women have all the power in relationships...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_051214_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-05-14T07:00:00ZVideo: The Next Chapter in LifeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-The-Next-Chapter-in-Life/423762015955544829.html2014-05-13T19:28:00Z2014-05-13T19:28:00Z<p><br /><br />You've let management know your retirement date and now you're being marginalized at work. Is there anything you can do? Watch: <br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/fm4FRoYOnXA" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2014-05-13T19:28:00ZWhy It's Important to Eat with Your KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Its-Important-to-Eat-with-Your-Kids/979330668994534315.html2014-05-12T15:32:00Z2014-05-12T15:32:00Z<p><em>(Originally published June 18, 2012)</em><br /><br />Some years back, I remember a television actor making a public service announcement suggesting parents have dinner with their kids maybe once or twice a week. I was flabbergasted - there actually had to be a public service announcement to tell people this?! <br /><br />Then I realized that in our society, we probably do. The notion of mommies and daddies, home and hearth, and meals with your own kids are becoming less and less the portrait of America. <br /><br />According to a <a href="http://www.menuplanningcentral.com/articles/family-dinner.html" target="_blank">study</a>, "The average parent spends 38.5 minutes per week in meaningful conversation with his or her child." <br /><br />Let me repeat that: <em>Only 38.5 minutes in an entire week!</em><br /><br />By simply eating dinner together each night and making an effort to talk to your kids, you can quadruple that number. You'll get to know your kids. Isn't that the point of having a family? <br /><br />According to Harvard research, "Family dinners are more important than play, story time, and other family events in the development of a child's vocabulary." The dinner table is the social center of families, so it is no wonder that's where our kids learn to talk. It gives them "real live" demos and practice in speech and social interactions.<br /><br />Archives of <em>Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine</em> show that frequent family meals are associated with "a lower risk of smoking, drinking, pot use, depressive symptoms, and suicidal thoughts. Kids between the ages of 11 and 18 also get better grades." Wow. All of that is helped just by having dinner every night with your kids?!<br /><br />The archives also reveal that family meals are "related to better nutritional intake and decreased risk for unhealthy weight control practices. Families eating meals together 'every day' generally consume higher amounts of important nutrients [such as] calcium, fiber, iron, vitamins B6, B12, C, and E, and consume less overall fat compared to families who 'never' or 'only sometimes' eat meals together." This is probably because mommy cooked dinner. <br /><br />Additionally, The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University found that "the more often teenagers have dinner with their parents, the less time they spend with boyfriends or girlfriends, and the less they are going to be sexually active." Not only do your kids have less time to hang out, but having a really good relationship with you makes them less likely to search for closeness by becoming sexually active. This is why you see a lot of young sexual activity in divorced families where mommy decided she didn't need a man.<br /><br />A study conducted by the University of Minnesota also showed "adolescent girls who have frequent family meals, and a positive atmosphere during those meals, are less likely to have eating disorders." When I read that, I couldn't help but be reminded of my own family. During my last couple years of high school, I went down the anorexia path. We had dinner every night as a family, but it was a nightmare because my mom and dad were always angry about something. The atmosphere at dinner was not pleasant. So, it's not just being at home that makes the difference. You have to make family dinners a good experience. <br /><br />Another <a href="http://www.casacolumbia.org/upload/2011/2011922familydinnersVII.pdf" target="_blank">survey</a> asked kids, "What's the most important part of the dinner?" What do you think their answers were? The food? No! 54 percent said the important part of dinner was sharing, catching up, talking, and interacting. <br /><br />The surveyors also asked teens, "Would you say your parents regularly make time to check-in with you and find out what's happening with you or not?" Compared to teens who have frequent family dinners, teens who have infrequent family dinners were almost two-and-a-half times more likely to report that their parents don't bother to check-in with them. Teens who have frequent family dinners are twice as likely to spend 21 hours or more per week (an average of at least 3 hours per day) with their parents.<br /><br />The bottom line? Your family structure and dynamic affects your kids, especially at dinnertime. <br /><br /></p>Staff2014-05-12T15:32:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/287791546495467492.html2014-05-09T15:36:00Z2014-05-09T15:36:00Z<p>Our Mother's Day quote...</p>
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<p><img src="/images/blog/050914_quote.jpg" alt="" style="display: block;" /><br /><br /></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>Staff2014-05-09T15:36:00ZWays to Make Your Husband Feel Loved and RespectedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Ways-to-Make-Your-Husband-Feel-Loved-and-Respected/276248054356901628.html2014-05-08T19:55:00Z2014-05-08T19:55:00Z<p> </p>
<p>My book, <em>The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands</em>, originated from a call on my show that I will never forget.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>Caller </strong>(*crying and sniveling*)<strong>:</strong> <em>I'm very upset about what my husband did on my birthday.</em><br /> <br /><strong>Dr. Laura:</strong> <em>What happened?</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>Caller:</strong> <em>He took me out to dinner and gave me flowers.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>Dr. Laura:</strong> <em>Well, that was nice, no?</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>Caller:</strong> <em>Well yeah. And he gave me a present.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>Dr. Laura:</strong> <em>Was it something he knew you hated?</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>Caller:</strong> <em>No, it was a nice present. And he took me to a movie.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>Dr. Laura:</strong> <em>What kind of movie?</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>Caller:</strong> <em>A chick flick.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>Dr. Laura:</strong> <em>Wait, so let me get this straight: Your husband came home from a hard day at work, took you out to dinner, gave you flowers and a present, and sat through a chick flick with you. Why are you upset?</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>Caller:</strong> <em>Well, when we got home, he went into the living room and started watching some sports. He should have shown me MORE attention!</em></p>
<p>I couldn't believe it! After all this husband had done for his wife, he got to endure the wrath of Khan because he put his feet up for five minutes to relax.</p>
<p>When I finished with the call, I actually slammed down my pen on the table and exclaimed, "THAT'S IT! I need to write a book about how so many women demand and demand and demand of their husbands but give very little back."</p>
<p>And voilà - <em>The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands</em> was born.</p>
<p>It's awfully frustrating listening to wives complain about feeling put upon to be nice to their husbands. <strong><a href="http://makingahome-pa.blogspot.com/2011/05/50-practical-ways-to-affirm-our.html" target="_blank">Here</a> are some ways to make your husband feel loved and respected:</strong></p>
<ul>
<li><em><strong>Spend time with him.</strong></em> If he's watching sports, cuddle next to him. It doesn't matter if you're not interested. <strong>He just wants you to be close.</strong></li>
<li><em><strong>Leave him little notes</strong> - in his lunch, on the mirror in the morning, on the windshield of his car, etc.</em></li>
<li><em><strong>Spontaneously touch him.</strong> </em>Ever notice how in movies when somebody lays their hand on top of someone else's, their eyes just come together and they both feel more peaceful? <strong>Touch is SO important.</strong></li>
<li><em><strong>Wake him up with a smile.</strong></em> Make him breakfast or get him coffee.</li>
<li><strong><em>Praise him in front of others.</em></strong> When you're in public or have people over, find ways to praise him and make him feel good.</li>
<li><strong><em>Buy him a small gift. Little nothings over a period of time add up to something.</em></strong> It lets him know that you're thinking about him.</li>
<li><em><strong>Encourage him.</strong></em> It's easy to criticize. Encouragement builds him up and makes him feel good about himself.</li>
<li><strong><em>Show interest in his hobbies.</em></strong> Allow him time and space to have his hobbies. </li>
<li><em><strong>Focus on what he's doing right rather than how he's making you mad.</strong></em> Don't concentrate on the negative. </li>
<li><strong><em>Give him time to unwind. </em>Don't dump your day's problems and concerns on your husband the moment he walks through the door after a hard day.</strong> A lot of you women don't get this when you're stay-at-home moms. You haven't done any of his work all day long. You have a lot of freedom that he does not have. </li>
<li><strong><em>Don't overcommit yourself.</em></strong> Don't constantly give other activities or people priority over time spent with your husband.</li>
<li><strong><em>Find ways to show him that you need him.</em></strong> My joking way to do this is if I can't open something or figure out something, I go up to my husband and say, "This is man's work." Even if you can figure it out, let him do it. <strong>This makes him feel like you need him the way he needs you.</strong></li>
<li><strong><em>Tell him you're sorry.</em></strong> When you've hurt him, swallow your pride.</li>
<li><strong><em>Resolve conflict quickly.</em></strong> Don't let your anger grow or come into the marital bed.</li>
<li><strong><em>Defend him.</em></strong> If you're in a situation where someone is not being polite to him (e.g. your mother, father, sibling, etc.) <strong><em>IMMEDIATELY</em> stand up for him and tell them all the things that you appreciate about him.</strong></li>
<li><strong><em>Honor him in front of the kids.</em></strong> Don't make him look bad in front of the children. </li>
<li><strong><em>Initiate intimacy.</em></strong> This is an area of conflict in probably most marriages. You may not have a need at the particular moment for intimacy, but that's how men register that you love them.</li>
<li><strong><em>Don't expect him to read your mind.</em></strong> Husbands are <strong>NOT</strong> mind-readers. <strong>If you have something to say, say it!</strong> (But in a kind way, please).</li>
<li><strong><em>Flirt with him.</em></strong> It doesn't hurt to be flirty! Flirting is a good way to show your affection and love. Exhibiting that Mom and Dad love each other strengthens your family and makes the kids feel incredibly safe at any age.</li>
</ul>
<p><strong>Showing your love makes a VERY big difference - not only to the quality of your marriage, but to your own happiness as well.</strong> If you would like more depth and clarity, read my book, <em>The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands</em>. </p>
<p><br /> <img style="border: 0px; display: block; margin: 5px auto;" src="/images/blog/050814a_blog_fb.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="600" /></p>Staff2014-05-08T19:55:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/90226428400896797.html2014-05-07T07:00:00Z2014-05-07T07:00:00ZAnyone can feed or distract your child, but only a mother can...<br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_050514_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-05-07T07:00:00ZVideo: On Mother's Day, Be There for HerStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-On-Mothers-Day,-Be-There-for-Her/-176645961301200124.html2014-05-06T20:57:00Z2014-05-06T20:57:00Z<p>This classic Dr. Laura video reminds us what moms really want for Mother's Day. Watch: <br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/TU4ggDzkK1Y" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2014-05-06T20:57:00ZA Dr. Laura ReflectionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-Dr.-Laura-Reflection/515874428094489058.html2014-05-05T15:41:00Z2014-05-05T15:41:00Z<p style="text-align: left;"><br />With Mother's Day forthcoming, I thought this was too cute:<br /><br /><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/050514_reflection.jpg" alt="" width="350" height="524" /></p>Staff2014-05-05T15:41:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-316320523979506185.html2014-05-02T14:38:00Z2014-05-02T14:38:00Z<p><br /><br /><em>The only way to have a friend is to be one.</em></p>
<p>Ralph Waldo Emerson<br />American essayist, lecturer, and poet<br />1803 – 1882</p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><em><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/050214_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="399" /></em></p>Staff2014-05-02T14:38:00ZWhere Are the Role Models?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Where-Are-the-Role-Models/692561606867554262.html2014-05-01T19:07:00Z2014-05-01T19:07:00Z<p style="text-align: center;"> </p>
<p>With the media creating stars like Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus, kids' role models have considerably changed since I was young. I am glad I do not have little kids right now. It’s too hard to make sure they have the right influences. In my day, the kids who were on television were straight up kids. If they weren't, they were dumped. Nowadays, they’re given more salary.</p>
<p>The role models of my generation were talented, sweet, cute, and lovable like Shirley Temple, and plot lines for movies were moral. By contrast, the role models our current generation is growing up with are slime – entertainers, politicians and athletes included. It is all about getting attention and making money. That’s why you see so many videos on Facebook and YouTube of young people doing grotesque things because they think they will go viral and make them famous.</p>
<p>But before you abandon hope that your kids have no one to look up to, remember that <strong>they still have YOU. </strong></p>
<p><strong>YOU are the most important role model for your kids.</strong> If you keep your marriage together with love, affection and attention, that’s role modeling. If you talk about moral and ethical issues at the dinner table, that’s role modeling. <strong>By investing time and energy in your child’s life with the sole purpose of helping them with their future success (and not your ego), you become their role model.</strong> On the other hand, every minute of every day that your kids are with nannies, daycare centers and babysitters, you are not influencing them.</p>
<p>It is always important to be a responsible role model. Even if you have made mistakes in your past, that does not make you a hypocrite. <strong>A person who has matured, realized their mistakes and corrected them has more of a right to teach than almost anybody else.</strong> You learned from what you did, and you are passing on your knowledge to the next generation so they can learn from your mistakes.</p>
<p><strong>Success isn't measured by money or how many people like you on Facebook. It’s measured by the people whose lives you make better. </strong>That's the only reason you matter. You have to live for somebody else, or your life has no meaning. <em>That's</em> how you influence your children. Do whatever you can to be a real role model for your child so they learn how to make the right choices.</p>
<img style="border: 0; margin: 5px;" src="/images/blog/050114_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="392" /><br /><br />Staff2014-05-01T19:07:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-103863853793558895.html2014-04-30T07:00:00Z2014-04-30T07:00:00ZFinding yourself in the middle of two fighting friends can be extremely awkward. How do you escape this tug-of-war unscathed?...<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_042814_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-04-30T07:00:00ZVideo: Son, If You're Going to Drink...Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Son,-If-Youre-Going-to-Drink.../136191690461801915.html2014-04-29T19:45:00Z2014-04-29T19:45:00Z<p>Your child is of legal drinking age, but still lives under your roof. Have you determined the rules he should abide by? Watch: <br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/TxH4Wz64ONc" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2014-04-29T19:45:00ZA Dr. Laura ReflectionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-Dr.-Laura-Reflection/-668367557974321580.html2014-04-28T15:45:00Z2014-04-28T15:45:00Z<p style="text-align: left;"><br /><br /><br /><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/042814_reflection.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2014-04-28T15:45:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/968265322625660263.html2014-04-25T15:11:00Z2014-04-25T15:11:00Z<p><br /><br /><em>Success is failure with the dirt brushed off.</em></p>
<p>Mamie McCullough<br />Motivational and inspirational speaker<br />The "I Can" Lady<br />1939 -</p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><em><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/042514_quote.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="399" /></em></p>Staff2014-04-25T15:11:00ZAre You Ready to Have a Baby?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Are-You-Ready-to-Have-a-Baby/76934531747075599.html2014-04-24T17:59:00Z2014-04-24T17:59:00ZI want to preface this list by saying that it may upset some of you philosophically. But frankly, I don't care. Why? Because I don't care about<em> your </em>feelings. I<em> only</em> care about what is in a <em>child's</em> best interest.<br /><br />Here are eight signs you're ready to be a parent: <br /><br />
<blockquote><strong>1. You are married. </strong>The optimal condition for a child is having a mom and dad who are happily and healthily married. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that a single man or woman can't be a good parent. I'm not saying that a gay person can't be a good parent. I'm just saying that the <em>optimal</em> condition for a child is having both a mother and a father. Anything else is not optimal - it's what <em>you</em> want. And again, I don't care about what you want. I only care about what a<em> child</em> needs, and kids' needs haven't changed since human beings have been around. <strong><br /><br />2. You are prepared to live on one income. </strong>Either you or your spouse needs to be around to love, nurture and influence your own kid. If you can't or don't want to do this, then don't make babies. <strong><br /><br />3. You are not an emotional wreck.</strong> If you're an emotional wreck before having kids, then the challenges of having a baby are really going to put you over the edge. If you struggle with depression, anxiety or self-image issues, then don't have kids. A child needs parents who are reasonably healthy and stable, not bouncing off the walls. Trust me - the first week alone is enough to challenge the abilities of Thor.<strong><br /><br />4. You have a home. </strong>It doesn't matter if it's a house, apartment or condo. It just needs to be safe and secure. One or two moves normally happen in most people's lives, but moving around a lot deprives kids of a sense of stability and continuity. <br /><br /><strong>5. You don't feel like killing your spouse on a daily basis.</strong> If you and your spouse don't see eye-to-eye on most things or can't negotiate through tough decisions, then don't make babies. Parents need to be a team. If one of you permits everything and the other permits nothing, it will not only mess up your kids, but it will destroy your marriage. <br /><br /><strong>6. You have the support of your friends and family.</strong> It makes parenting much easier. <strong><br /><br />7. You are happy with what you've accomplished in life so far. </strong>The early years of parenthood are all-consuming to the point that you have to make appointments with your own tush to go to the bathroom. Whether it's professional or creative, you're going to have a big dip in productivity because you won't be able to do as much as you used to. You need to have a sense of accomplishment under your belt already so that when you hit your dry spell, you are not resentful of your kids. <strong><br /><br />8. You really want a baby</strong>. Don't do it because your spouse wants one or you think you ought to want one.</blockquote>
<br />
<p><img style="border: 0; margin: 5px;" src="/images/blog/042414_blog.jpg" alt="" width="450" height="388" /><br /><br /></p>Staff2014-04-24T17:59:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-11730106645851890.html2014-04-23T07:00:00Z2014-04-23T07:00:00Z<br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_042114_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-04-23T07:00:00ZA Dr. Laura ReflectionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-Dr.-Laura-Reflection/758070331997115345.html2014-04-21T16:12:00Z2014-04-21T16:12:00Z<p style="text-align: left;"><br /><br /><br /><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/042114_reflection.jpg" alt="" width="403" height="227" /></p>Staff2014-04-21T16:12:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-300816656711249005.html2014-04-18T14:26:00Z2014-04-18T14:26:00Z<p style="text-align: left;">Are you egg-cited for Easter?! Well you should be! As it is said,<br /><br /><br /><br /><em>Easter is the only time of the year when it's perfectly safe to put all your eggs in one basket.</em><br /><br />- Unknown</p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><em><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/041814_quote.jpg" alt="" /></em></p>Staff2014-04-18T14:26:00ZBeing There for a Sick Friend or Family MemberStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Being-There-for-a-Sick-Friend-or-Family-Member/306347855835059028.html2014-04-17T07:00:00Z2014-04-17T07:00:00Z<br />When a friend is diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, it can be one of the most horrible experiences in your life. You may not know what to say or do, or what your obligations are. On top of that, it reminds you of your own mortality. One of the reasons many people feel uncomfortable about going to visit a friend or family member in the hospital is that it reacquaints them with the fact that they may be next in line. <br /><br />But no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel, you have to remember that it's not about you. Here are some tips for visiting a friend or family member in the hospital:<br />
<ul>
<li><strong>Show up. </strong>Don't make excuses about not having anything to say. There is nothing you can say or do that will change anything, but being there will make them feel better.</li>
<li><strong>Don't text or email.</strong> The weeniest thing you can do is text or email. A phone call is great. Skyping is even better. </li>
<li>If you can't see them, <strong>drop off a little gift, memento or photograph so that they know you are thinking about them. </strong>Keep it small, simple and sweet. </li>
<li><strong>Knock.</strong> Even if the door is wide open, knock or peek around the corner. Just because they are sick doesn't mean they aren't entitled to some dignity. </li>
<li><strong>If they are sleeping, let them sleep. </strong>Sit and read, or go get a cup of coffee. If you can't stay, leave a note saying something cute and that you'll be back another time. (And then actually come back another time). </li>
<li><strong>Wash your hands or use sanitizer before you go in and after you leave.</strong> </li>
<li><strong>Respect their privacy.</strong> If they need to use the restroom or the nurse or doctor comes in, wait outside. </li>
<li><strong>Keep the visit short (about 15 minutes, unless they ask you to stay longer). </strong></li>
<li><strong>Share a laugh.</strong> Humor never hurt anyone. <strong>The worst thing you can do is say nothing.</strong></li>
<li><strong>If they have a caretaker, volunteer to give that person a break for a few hours. </strong></li>
</ul>
Just about everyone out there knows someone who isn't feeling well, so I expect that by the end of the day you make contact with them.
<p><br /><img style="border: 0; margin: 5px;" src="/images/blog/041714_blog(2).jpg" alt="" width="450" height="400" /></p>Staff2014-04-17T07:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/612422324150130482.html2014-04-16T07:00:00Z2014-04-16T07:00:00Z<br />Each new day is an opportunity – we can either use it or waste it:<br /><br /> <img src="/images/blog/dlsays_041414_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-04-16T07:00:00ZA Dr. Laura ReflectionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-Dr.-Laura-Reflection/16941333667802678.html2014-04-14T15:58:00Z2014-04-14T15:58:00Z<p style="text-align: left;"><br /><br /><span class="userContent">A relationship tip..</span><em><span class="userContent">.</span></em><br /><br /><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/041414_reflection.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2014-04-14T15:58:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/744610859600910543.html2014-04-11T14:29:00Z2014-04-11T14:29:00Z<p style="text-align: left;"><br /><br /><em>In this life, we cannot always do great things. But we can do small things with great love.<br /></em><br />Mother Teresa<br />Founder, Missionaries of Charity<br />Winner, Nobel Peace Prize, 1979<br />1910 - 1997<em></em></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><em><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/041114_quote.jpg" alt="" width="542" height="385" /></em></p>Staff2014-04-11T14:29:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/530268098787894456.html2014-04-09T07:00:00Z2014-04-09T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/dlsays_040714_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-04-09T07:00:00ZVideo: Suffocating My BoyfriendsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Suffocating-My-Boyfriends/-832782772428326356.html2014-04-08T20:39:00Z2014-04-08T20:39:00Z<p>After only a few months of dating, do you want to spend all of your time with your boyfriend, to the point of trying to be his wife? Watch: <br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/8tCpeH_UKHM" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2014-04-08T20:39:00ZA Dr. Laura ReflectionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-Dr.-Laura-Reflection/420510540496528886.html2014-04-07T16:02:00Z2014-04-07T16:02:00Z<p style="text-align: left;"><br /><br /><span class="userContent">For those days when you're running errands..</span><em><span class="userContent">.</span></em><br /><br /><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/040714_reflection_a.jpg" alt="" width="550" height="400" /></p>Staff2014-04-07T16:02:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-313124579052474281.html2014-04-04T17:10:00Z2014-04-04T17:10:00Z<p style="text-align: left;"><br /><br /><em><em>Quarrels would not last so long if the fault were only on one side.<br /></em><br /><br /></em>François de La Rochefoucauld<br />French essayist<br />1613-1680<br /><br /><em><br /><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/040414_quote.jpg" alt="" /></em></p>Staff2014-04-04T17:10:00ZWhat Makes Men Respect Women?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-Makes-Men-Respect-Women/131981772684576498.html2014-04-03T07:00:00Z2014-04-03T07:00:00Z<br />
<p>What's the difference between lovemaking and sex? <strong>Respect.</strong> Sex can happen with anybody at any time; lovemaking requires affection and respect. <br /><br /><strong>Respect means "to consider worthy of high or special regard."</strong> Most men don't love what they don't respect. A man will have sex with a woman, but that doesn't mean he loves her. It just means she was available. <br /><br />Too many women aren't finding love because they don't make men earn or respect them. <strong>Here's how to make a man respect you:</strong><br /><br /></p>
<ul>
<li><strong>Respect yourself.</strong> This is in no way, shape or form the same thing as "loving yourself."<strong> Respecting yourself means setting high standards for yourself and making choices that don't disrespect the life you want or who you want to be.</strong> For example, you earn no respect by having sex on the first date or shacking up. </li>
<li><strong>Act feminine.</strong> Men respect women who are feminine. That doesn't mean you can't be intelligent, hardworking or even a jock. <strong>It just means that you need to allow men to treat you like a lady</strong> (e.g. open the door for you, pull out your chair, walk on the outside of the street, pay for things, etc.). <strong>Men like to pursue and be the man in a relationship.</strong> There's a polarity of masculine and feminine, and the feminine brings the masculine out of men. </li>
<li><strong>Don't be a piece of meat.</strong> Believe it or not, as much as men want to get you on your back, you lose respect points when you give in too soon. <strong>Men need time to fall in love with you. </strong></li>
<li><strong>Be honest and have integrity.</strong> A man can't respect you if he can't trust you. Don't lie or portray yourself in a way that gives the wrong impression. </li>
<li><strong>Don't underestimate the power of your words.</strong> Men are contemptuous when they feel criticized or disrespected, and therefore, will not give respect back. Always come from a place of kindness and love, and you'll get the same in return. </li>
</ul>
<p> <br />The bottom line is,<strong> if you want a man (not a boy or bum) to love you, he needs to respect you, and that's earned by having a set of values and living by them. </strong><br /><br /><img style="margin: 5px auto; display: block; border-width: 0px;" src="/images/blog/040314_blog.jpg" alt="" width="300" height="574" /></p>Staff2014-04-03T07:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/796935371580744716.html2014-04-02T07:00:00Z2014-04-02T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/dlsays_033114_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-04-02T07:00:00ZVideo: He Wasn't the Man We Thought He WasStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-He-Wasnt-the-Man-We-Thought-He-Was/582622176626380326.html2014-04-01T19:25:00Z2014-04-01T19:25:00Z<p>How can you eulogize a person after learning their true character was not decent or honorable? Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/TqwGfi7CzXo" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2014-04-01T19:25:00ZA Dr. Laura ReflectionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-Dr.-Laura-Reflection/-779228449158596765.html2014-03-31T15:24:00Z2014-03-31T15:24:00Z<p style="text-align: left;"><br /><br /><span class="userContent">True for any relationship - marriage, dating, family, friends, kids..</span><em><span class="userContent">.</span></em><br /><br /><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/033114_blog.jpg" alt="" width="403" height="403" /></p>Staff2014-03-31T15:24:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-79766667208655421.html2014-03-28T07:00:00Z2014-03-28T07:00:00Z<p style="text-align: left;"><br /><br /><em>"You know your children are growing up when they stop asking where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going."</em><br /><br /><br /><br /><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/032814_quote_bl.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2014-03-28T07:00:00ZThe Difference Between Helping and EnablingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Difference-Between-Helping-and-Enabling/-344250241221129226.html2014-03-27T15:11:00Z2014-03-27T15:11:00Z<p style="text-align: left;">Unconditional love is such an amazing non-reality. Why? Because <strong>"unconditional" love means you don't make judgments</strong>, which are absolutely necessary. <strong>We have to discern right from wrong, good from evil, and sacred from profane.</strong> And one of the judgments we all have to make at one time or another is the difference between helping and enabling.</p>
<p>Doing a nice thing for someone or helping out occasionally is one thing, but when a person is capable and their responsibilities are handled for them all the time, they are not held responsible. <strong>Enabling protects them from the consequences of their choices and actions. And the more you let them depend on you and take you for granted, the less motivated they are to change.</strong></p>
<p>Now let's talk about the enabler. There's a payoff for everything in life or else we wouldn't do it. The enabler enables because it gives them a false sense of superiority and makes them feel needed. They also feel control over the other person (through guilt) by helping them. However, they ironically still end up feeling resentful, frustrated, or unappreciated.</p>
<p>Real love for somebody is being able to step back and allow them to suffer enough to recognize their need to change. That's the only way to help make them a whole human being again.</p>
<p><strong>Here are some <a href="http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/tips_to_stop_enabling" target="_blank">tips</a> to help you stop being an enabler:</strong></p>
<ul>
<li><strong><em>Don't lie for anyone.</em></strong> Don't be the wife who gets on the phone and says her husband is sick when he's hungover.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong><em>Don't make excuses for others when they don't fulfill their obligations</em></strong>. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong><em>Don't clean up after a substance abuser. </em></strong>They should see the damage they've done and the chaos they've caused. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong><em>Be accountable for your bills only</em></strong>. If you're not responsible for it, don't pay it. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong><em>Stand up for yourself</em></strong>. You don't have to be mean, but you do have to put your foot down.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong><em>Don't rescue</em></strong>. A person must suffer the consequences of their actions. Which means don't pay for lawyers or post bail.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong><em>Stop trying to fix everybody</em></strong>. You're not a magician and you're not God. Work on yourself. Get the support of friends, family members and counselors. Join Al-Anon or some other 12-step program. Do whatever it takes to stop yourself from hurting somebody else with your notion of helping. </li>
</ul>
<p><img style="border: 0; margin: 5px;" src="/images/blog/032714_blog_fb.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="334" /></p>Staff2014-03-27T15:11:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-375447462615460476.html2014-03-26T07:00:00Z2014-03-26T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/dlsays_032414_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-03-26T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/559028558634421457.html2014-03-21T14:29:00Z2014-03-21T14:29:00Z<p style="text-align: left;"> </p>
<p>The spring came suddenly,<br />bursting upon the world<br />as a child bursts into a room,<br />with a laugh and a shout<br />and hands full of flowers.<br /><br />Henry Wadsworth Longfellow<br />American poet and educator<br />1807-1882</p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><img style="display: block; margin-left: NaNpx; margin-right: NaNpx;" src="/images/blog/032114_quote.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2014-03-21T14:29:00ZHow to Tell a Prince from a FrogStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Tell-a-Prince-from-a-Frog/279469808544087186.html2014-03-20T18:42:00Z2014-03-20T18:42:00Z<br />
<p>Finding a guy to be your boyfriend is easy - just go to any bar. What's more difficult is <strong>finding a man who deserves to be your prince</strong>.</p>
<p><strong>EVERY woman wants a prince</strong>. That doesn't mean you are dependent on a man or can't do anything on your own. You can be extremely competent and self-sufficient and still want to be courted.</p>
<p><strong><a href="http://www.nigerianmonitor.com/2013/03/23/10-characteristics-of-a-good-man-to-be-your-guy/" target="_blank">Here</a> are 10 characteristics of a real prince:</strong></p>
<ol>
<li><em><strong>He puts you on a pedestal.</strong></em> He appreciates and respects you. <em>He knows what he has to do to show his love, and he makes darn sure he doesn't hurt you. If he accidentally hurts you, he doesn't hesitate to admit his mistake and apologize sincerely.</em> He isn't verbally or physically ugly towards you.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><em><strong>He is a man of his word. </strong></em>When he says he will do something, he does it. He is loyal and takes full responsibility for his words and actions.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><em><strong>He loves you inside and out.</strong></em> We used to call it "warts and all". He isn't just hot for your body. He loves your strengths, nurtures your weaknesses, and thinks your imperfections are cute. He's tolerant and compassionate.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><em><strong>He is mature.</strong></em> He has a well-established job and a good income, and he makes plans for the future. He doesn't spend his time playing video games. He's not lazy and he's not a workaholic - he is able to balance fun and relaxation with work and productivity.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><em><strong>He is the leader in the relationship.</strong></em> He protects and provides.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><em><strong>He is confident in himself.</strong></em> He's not desperately trying to change or accommodate to satisfy anyone else's ridiculous wants or desires.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong><em>He is independent.</em></strong> He enjoys his own company, spends time with his own family and friends, and has his own hobbies and activities. He isn't needy, clingy or jealous. You are the center of his universe, but there are other planets in his solar system.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong><em>He is appreciative of you.</em></strong> He notices and praises the little things you do.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong><em>He is honest.</em></strong> He admits his mistakes and does everything with good intentions. He communicates and critiques honestly, not cruelly.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong><em>He is moral.</em></strong> He has a code of values that he lives by and you can count on.</li>
</ol>
<p>No woman should tolerate anything less than a prince. And remember, a <strong>REAL </strong>prince also deserves a <strong>REAL</strong> princess. So if you do find a prince, don't nag, whine, complain, or act self-centered or narcissistic. <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/032014_blog.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2014-03-20T18:42:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/624920968917164789.html2014-03-19T07:00:00Z2014-03-19T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/dlsays_031714_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-03-19T07:00:00ZVideo: He Wants to Play in the NBAStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-He-Wants-to-Play-in-the-NBA/-752920474485143582.html2014-03-18T17:45:00Z2014-03-18T17:45:00Z<p>What can you do when your teen's fantasy is stopping them from studying? Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/bbnEkxKuxx4" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2014-03-18T17:45:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-157512433013221656.html2014-03-14T07:00:00Z2014-03-14T07:00:00Z<p style="text-align: left;"><br /><em>May your neighbors respect you,</em><br /><em>Trouble neglect you,</em><br /><em>Angels protect you,</em><br /><em>And Heaven accept you.</em></p>
<p>Irish blessing</p>
<p>Happy St. Patrick’s Day on Monday, March 17th!</p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/031414_quote_bl.jpg" alt="" width="598" height="400" /></p>Staff2014-03-14T07:00:00ZYou're Better Than Some, Not as Good as OthersStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Youre-Better-Than-Some,-Not-as-Good-as-Others/-587762104946276767.html2014-03-13T07:00:00Z2014-03-13T07:00:00Z<br />
<p>Striving for excellence is a worthy enterprise. <strong>But if you find yourself in distress because of real or perceived failures along the way, or you quit because you're not perfect, then you have a problem.</strong></p>
<p>I struggle with being a perfectionist. I work really hard to do everything well, and I get upset and distracted if I can't. However, <strong>I don't quit - I find another route</strong>.</p>
<p>For example, some of the jewelry I make is fine silver from precious metal clay. It's not easy to work with and dries practically just by looking at it. I decided to take a three-day private lesson from an incredible <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Designing-From-The-Stone-Inspiration/dp/1463576471" target="_blank">metal clay artist, Lisa Barth</a>. While training with Lisa, I made a number of nice things, but I had in my mind that anything I made had to look as good as what she made. After two and a half weeks of frustration, I ended up throwing away most of my work.</p>
<p>Why couldn't I do it like she did? Was it because she had done it longer?</p>
<p>No, time was only partially the answer. The problem was that I am not artistic in the sense that Lisa is. For example, I could take painting lessons from Da Vinci all day, but I could never paint like him in 40 years of practice. There's a certain quality you have to have.</p>
<p>I needed to accept the fact that I could <strong>NOT</strong> do Da Vinci (or Lisa Barth) - I could <strong>ONLY</strong> do Dr. Laura.</p>
<p>The minute I told myself that, I made a couple of things <strong>immediately</strong>! They weren't complex, but they were nice. <strong>I freed myself up by recognizing <em>that</em> even though I didn't have that talent, I did have <em>a</em> talent</strong>.</p>
<p>I don't perceive it as any form of quitting or being negative about myself. I consider it being honest with myself. <strong>Things don't make you feel bad about yourself; your ATTITUDE about those things makes you feel bad about yourself</strong>.</p>
<p>Here are some tips for the next time you're struggling with the need to be perfect:</p>
<ul>
<li><strong>Realize you are limited</strong> - more limited in some areas and less limited in others. It's not a bad thing, it's just reality.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Accept that there are always going to be people better than you.</strong> Every day, say to yourself, <strong>"I'm better than some, not as good as others."</strong></li>
<br />
<li><strong>Recognize that mistakes happen </strong>and they should happen. You cannot be on your game 24/7. People who are always down on themselves do not live as long.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Try not to get impatient with yourself when you are stressed out. </strong>When you are stressed, try to avoid activities that require an intense amount of concentration or focus. These types of activities can make the stress worse instead of better.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Have a sense of humor.</strong></li>
</ul>
<p> </p>
<p><strong><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; border-width: 0px;" src="/images/blog/031314_blog.jpg" alt="" width="529" height="357" /></strong></p>Staff2014-03-13T07:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/979912026713368316.html2014-03-12T07:00:00Z2014-03-12T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/dlsays_031014_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-03-12T07:00:00ZVideo: I Am Mother MagnificentStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-I-Am-Mother-Magnificent/642036011087679676.html2014-03-11T20:39:00Z2014-03-11T20:39:00Z<p>Can a woman ever become excessive in her role as a mother? Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/NNJbqLcCCho" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2014-03-11T20:39:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/570877012174950559.html2014-03-07T08:00:00Z2014-03-07T08:00:00Z<p style="text-align: left;"><br /><br /><em>"The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more."</em></p>
<p>Wilson Mizner<br />American playwright and raconteur<br />1876 – 1933</p>
<p><br />Don't forget to turn your clocks <strong>AHEAD</strong> one hour on Saturday before you go to bed.</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: NaNpx; margin-right: NaNpx;" src="/images/blog/030714_quote_blog.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2014-03-07T08:00:00ZWhy Women Have the Power in a MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Women-Have-the-Power-in-a-Marriage/-379650783194324397.html2014-03-06T21:57:00Z2014-03-06T21:57:00Z<br />
<p>A recent <a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/happy-wife-happy-life-wives-reactions-arguments-matter-study-article-1.1509961" target="_blank">study</a> out of UC Berkeley found that wives matter more when it comes to resolving marital spats. I couldn't help but laugh. Duh! It's not exactly a new discovery that women hold most of the power in a relationship. Why? Consider this typical husband and wife exchange:</p>
<p><strong>Wife:</strong> "I'm having a problem with someone at work."<br /><strong>Husband:</strong> "Well, I think this is what you ought to do."<br /><strong>Wife: </strong>"I don't want you to solve it. I want you to listen to me. I want you to hear my feelings!"</p>
<p>Male and female brains are wired very differently. <strong>Men are problem solvers.</strong> Women, on the other hand, are more verbal and don't like anybody to fix their problems. Instead, <strong>they want to talk about their pain and upset feelings</strong>.</p>
<p>This is why women have more influence over arguments in their marriages. Because men think in terms of solutions rather than feelings, <strong>if a woman cuts the emotion and approaches her husband with a plan,</strong> things become a lot more manageable. </p>
<p>In addition, women have more power in a marriage because <strong>men are very dependent on feminine approval</strong>. It starts out with their mothers and later comes in the form of sex with their wives. By contrast, women get their approval from their mothers, sisters, and girlfriends. Men are much more emotionally reliant on women than women on men. This is one of the reasons why after a death or divorce, men find somebody else much quicker.</p>
<p>So, for all you women who want to have more satisfaction in your marriages, <strong>stop talking for a moment and come up with one or two potential solutions to the problem. Suddenly, you and your husband will be talking instead of yelling. If you pull your emotional act together, things will go better.</strong></p>
<p><strong><img style="border: 0;" src="/images/blog/030614_blog.jpg" alt="" /></strong></p>Staff2014-03-06T21:57:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-312970366803259677.html2014-03-05T08:00:00Z2014-03-05T08:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/dlsays_030314_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-03-05T08:00:00ZWays to Improve Your Mother- and Daughter-in-Law RelationshipStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Ways-to-Improve-Your-Mother--and-Daughter-in-Law-Relationship/-126547837063733946.html2014-02-27T14:59:00Z2014-02-27T14:59:00Z<br />
<p>If I had to pick the most popular subject people call my show about, it would be mother- and daughter-in-law relationships. Here's why:<br /> <br /><strong><em>Mother-in-law's perspective</em></strong> <br /> <br />The mother-in-law has been the number one woman in her son's life for the past two or three decades. She gave birth to him, raised him, loved him, kissed him, hugged him, nurtured him, and disciplined him. Then suddenly, a younger, less mature woman comes into the picture, takes over, and (typically) behaves as if there can only be one woman in his life. <br /> <br />In addition, the mother-in-law no longer has a clear idea of her role in her son's life. For the daughter-in-law, it's simple - she's his wife. But for the mother-in-law, it's not so cut and dry. The daughter-in-law doesn't understand this because with her mother, it's almost as if nothing has changed. The daughter-in-law's mother isn't expected to do guy stuff with her son-in-law. All she has to do is be nice when he shows up, hand him a beer, turn on the game, and he's good to go. <br /> <br /><em><strong>Daughter-in-law's perspective</strong></em> <br /> <br />The daughter-in-law is the newcomer. She doesn't like getting advice and opinions from a more experienced and mature woman because it tugs at her insecurities as a wife and mother. Insecurity leads to defensiveness, defensiveness leads to snottiness, and snottiness results in harsh words and hurt feelings.<br /> <br /><em><strong>The solution</strong></em><br /> <br />The mother/daughter-in-law relationship requires an intense amount of compassion, sensitivity, thoughtfulness, and gratitude on both sides, even when you want to strangle each other. <br /> <br /><strong>Mothers-in-law need to realize that it is not a competition.</strong> You also must <strong>give your son and his wife space. Don't show up unannounced</strong>, and <strong><em>ask</em> if certain things are OK beforehand</strong>.</p>
<p><strong>Daughters-in-law need to make their mothers-in-law feel as at home as they make their own mothers feel.</strong> Just because a man gains a wife, doesn't mean he has to lose a mom. <strong>Don't treat your mother-in-law as a problem, and don't feel annoyed or put down if she offers help or advice.</strong> Giving advice isn't mean or insulting. We all have something to learn, and besides, without your mother-in-law, you wouldn't have your husband. <strong>Remember: The reason he's so good to you has a lot to do with the woman who raised him. <br /><br /><img src="/images/blog/022714_blog.jpg" alt="" width="395" height="413" /></strong></p>Staff2014-02-27T14:59:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/406514716063764385.html2014-02-26T15:00:00Z2014-02-26T15:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/dlsays_022414_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-02-26T15:00:00ZVideo: She Sucks as a MotherStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-She-Sucks-as-a-Mother/-715697823580726332.html2014-02-25T20:57:00Z2014-02-25T20:57:00Z<p>What can be done when a "mother" doesn't want the responsibility, privilege, or honor of raising their children? Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/npSssmt8kEg" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2014-02-25T20:57:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-744461392826289349.html2014-02-21T15:35:00Z2014-02-21T15:35:00Z<p style="text-align: left;"><br /><br /></p>
<p><em>There is more to life than increasing its speed.<br /></em><br /><br />Mahatma Gandhi<br />Leader of Indian independence movement<br />1869 - 1948</p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><br /><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/022114_quote_bl_fb.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2014-02-21T15:35:00ZEstablishing Rules for TeensStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Establishing-Rules-for-Teens/-481343555042747896.html2014-02-20T19:33:00Z2014-02-20T19:33:00Z<br />
<p>I don't know which is worse: being a teenager or having one.</p>
<p><em>Teenagers are at a point in their lives where they are only beginning to mature. They want more responsibility, but still need boundaries and guidelines, especially because many teens feel invulnerable.</em></p>
<p>The number one rule when it comes to teenagers is to <strong>never argue. The minute you argue, you lose</strong> because you put yourself on their level and they know it.</p>
<p>In addition, <em>parents should <strong>set clear and sensible rules in advance</strong>. Sit down with your teen and discuss the rules and consequences together. <strong>Don't make empty threats, and be consistent.</strong></em> If you are enforcing a consequence, be very clear about why it is taking place. For example, "Because you didn't ___, you will have to___, which we previously discussed."</p>
<p>Here are some areas in which parents absolutely need to <a href="http://www.teenhelp.com/parenting-teens/setting-rules-teens.html" target="_blank">establish rules</a> with their teens:</p>
<ol>
<li><strong>Driving.</strong> <em>Car accidents are the number one killer of teens. Some rules that keep teens safer in the car include spending more time driving with parents, limiting passengers, eliminating distractions such as music, food, and cell phones, and being required to pay for gas, insurance, and any tickets received.</em> If your teenager breaches the rules, the car is gone. It's a one-strike policy because this is a matter of life and death.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Use of drugs, alcohol, and tobacco. </strong><em>Teens are less likely to use drugs, alcohol, or tobacco if their parents set clear rules about what will happen if they do and explain why they shouldn't.</em> They may not agree with you, but it doesn't matter. They will eventually be teaching their kids the same thing.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Dating. </strong>Discuss when they can start dating and under what conditions. <strong>Teenagers should only go on group dates until they are 17</strong>, especially because of how sexualized things have become these days. I remember the first time I was allowed to be alone in a car with a guy. He had to convince my dad, and then my dad went outside and looked at his car. He had a very small sports car with a stick shift, bucket seats, and no backseat. Unless we were contortionists, there was no possible way for us to fool around in that car. So my dad came back in, laughed, and said, "OK."</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Computers, TV, books, magazines, and music.</strong> Decide on what is allowed and when. <em>Keep the computer in a public place and restrict access to times when everyone is there to avoid the dangers of inappropriate websites and online predators.</em></li>
<br />
<li><strong>Friends.</strong> Peer acceptance is a very strong influence on teens. You have to know what they're doing and who they're doing it with. If I wanted to go to a party when I was a teenager, my parents always called my friend's parents first.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Where they spend their free time.</strong> <em>Have kids check in when they are away from home or school, and have a signal if your teen needs to be picked up from a bad situation. </em></li>
<br />
<li><strong>Curfews.</strong> <em>Set a curfew, but be willing to negotiate for special circumstances.</em></li>
<br /></ol>
<p>Consequences for breaking the rules should generally not be longer than three weeks. And if you punish your teen, don't just take away their cell phone (that punishment always makes me laugh because they know they're just going to get it back). Have them do community service or something else concrete so that they are out of the house actively participating in something. Canceling activities or not allowing friends to come over are also good consequences.<br /><br /><img style="border: 0; margin: 5px;" src="/images/blog/022014_blog.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2014-02-20T19:33:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/800704631354876039.html2014-02-19T08:00:00Z2014-02-19T08:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/dlsays_021814_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-02-19T08:00:00ZVideo: When I Die, You Can TravelStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-When-I-Die,-You-Can-Travel/-317728130674629288.html2014-02-18T22:47:00Z2014-02-18T22:47:00Z<p>Although you are an unmarried adult man, your mother is against you traveling for fear of something dreadful happening. What should you do? Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/6Lc9zJ3YKGE" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2014-02-18T22:47:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-327303224754154622.html2014-02-18T08:00:00Z2014-02-18T08:00:00Z<p style="text-align: left;"><br /><em>"No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted."</em></p>
<p>Aesop<br />Ancient Greek fabulist (story teller)</p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/022814_quote_bl.jpg" alt="" width="478" height="359" /></p>Staff2014-02-18T08:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-363583179250565467.html2014-02-14T15:00:00Z2014-02-14T15:00:00Z<p style="text-align: left;"><br /><br /><em>I feel it in my fingers</em><br /><em>I feel it in my toes</em><br /><em>Love is all around me</em><br /><em>And so the feeling grows</em></p>
<p>Reg Presley<br />English singer-songwriter<br />1941-2013<br /><em>from the song “Love Is All Around”</em></p>
<p>Happy Valentine’s Day!</p>
<p><br /><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/021414_quote_bl_fb.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2014-02-14T15:00:00ZHow to Approach Your Spouse About Marriage CounselingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Approach-Your-Spouse-About-Marriage-Counseling/825448552460578959.html2014-02-13T08:00:00Z2014-02-13T08:00:00Z<br />
<p>Many couples think marriage counseling is a forum to voice how mad they are and vent about how big a jerk their spouse is. But that couldn't be further from the truth. Marriage counseling is not about how "I" feel or look, or what "I" want. The goal of marriage counseling is to learn some tools so you can both wake up each day and ask yourselves, "How can I make my spouse happy that they're alive and married to me?".</p>
<p>Each one of us comes into a marriage with our own neurotic patterns that we've picked up from our childhoods. We tend to follow them blindly or act like our moms and dads expecting a different result.</p>
<p>I remember one young couple who came to see me when I was in private practice. Every time they would have a disagreement, the husband would argue his wife into the ground until he was right. Where did this come from? His father was military, and he was brought up to never back down. He was punished if he said or did anything that wasn't exactly right. As a result, his brain equated being wrong with not being loved.</p>
<p>Ultimately, we all want to be happy and loved. Here are some signs that counseling could help your marriage, some responses to the common excuses people use to avoid it, and how to approach your spouse about going to counseling together:</p>
<p><strong><em>It's not a healthy, happy marriage if:</em></strong></p>
<ul>
<li>It seems like everyone and everything is more important to your spouse than you (and vice versa).</li>
<li>You and your spouse are rehashing the same argument day after month after year.</li>
<li>Arguing and fighting are the primary ways you and your spouse connect.</li>
<li>You find yourself getting more depressed and miserable as time goes by because your spouse is pulling the emotional rug out from under you.</li>
<li>You find yourself increasingly and consistently not liking your spouse anymore.</li>
<strong></strong>
</ul>
<p><strong><em>Responses to common excuses:</em></strong></p>
<ul>
<li><strong>"I don't have the time to go to counseling."</strong> Well, you'll have plenty of free time when you're divorced.</li>
<li><strong>"I don't have the money."</strong> Divorce is going to cost you a whole lot more than a few counseling sessions. In addition, there are programs at your local university for clinical social workers, clinical psychologists, and marriage and family therapists. These students need to put in a number of hours to qualify for a license, and it is usually done by your ability to pay.</li>
<li><strong>"I'm worried about my friends and family judging me."</strong> Keep it private.</li>
<li><strong>"I'm embarrassed to tell the counselor my problems."</strong> Don't be. They've heard it all (even the weird sexual things). That's what they're there for.</li>
<li><strong>"Talking to someone isn't going to help."</strong> Not with that attitude it isn't. It won't help if you spend the hour venting, complaining and bitching. If, instead, the session is spent clarifying and learning some skills and strategies that you can practice at home, it will be very helpful.</li>
<li><strong>"My spouse refuses to go with me."</strong> Go by yourself. A relationship takes two people. Even if you think your spouse is the one who needs to change, start by changing yourself (unless they are a total sociopath). You'd be amazed at how much someone will change when you do.</li>
<li><strong>"Counseling is a sign of weakness."</strong> You are NOT a weak person if you need counseling. It takes a lot of strength to make changes and admit that you need help.</li>
<strong></strong>
</ul>
<p><strong><em>How to approach your spouse:</em></strong></p>
<p>When you approach your spouse about going to counseling, <strong>never tell them that you need to go to fix <em>them</em></strong>. That will only be met with defensiveness. Instead say, "I need to learn how to be a better husband/wife, and I would really appreciate it if you would come with me to help me do that."</p>
<p>Go for one or two sessions. Then talk about whether or not you're comfortable with it, if you like the therapist, and if anything productive is happening.</p>Staff2014-02-13T08:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/657398016974400438.html2014-02-12T08:00:00Z2014-02-12T08:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/dlsays_021014_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-02-12T08:00:00ZVideo: Bringing Home the BaconStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Bringing-Home-the-Bacon/781262385589918872.html2014-02-11T15:00:00Z2014-02-11T15:00:00Z<p>This husband is shouldering the financial burden of his family, but is he being taken advantage of?  Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Q-z2bKPG3IM" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2014-02-11T15:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-618617791590624727.html2014-02-07T15:44:00Z2014-02-07T15:44:00Z<p style="text-align: left;"><br /><br /><em>Friends will not only live in harmony, but in melody.</em><br /><br />Henry David Thoreau<br />American author, naturalist and philosopher<br />1817 -1862<em></em></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><br /><br /><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/020714_quote_bl_fb.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="600" /></p>Staff2014-02-07T15:44:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-699495069328825721.html2014-02-05T08:00:00Z2014-02-05T08:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/dlsays_020314_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-02-05T08:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-725467280031861117.html2014-01-31T16:25:00Z2014-01-31T16:25:00Z<p style="text-align: left;"><em><br /><br />A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark.</em> <br /><br />Chinese proverb <br /><br /><br />Today marks the start of the Chinese New Year – the Year of the Horse. Wishing you happiness and prosperity in the coming year.<br /><br /><br /><br /><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/013114_quote_bl_fb.jpg" alt="" width="431" height="431" /></p>Staff2014-01-31T16:25:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-94768203767423243.html2014-01-29T08:00:00Z2014-01-29T08:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/dlsays_012714_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-01-29T08:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-186973176268572155.html2014-01-24T15:45:00Z2014-01-24T15:45:00Z<p style="text-align: left;"><br /><br /></p>
<p><em>Babies are such a nice way to start people.</em></p>
<p>Don Herold<br />American humorist<br />1899 - 1966</p>
<img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/012414_quote.jpg" alt="" />Staff2014-01-24T15:45:00Z15 Things Successful People Do DifferentlyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/15-Things-Successful-People-Do-Differently/357708432947526557.html2014-01-23T08:00:00Z2014-01-23T08:00:00Z<br />
<p>There are certain habits and behaviors common to most successful people. Here are 15 of them:</p>
<ol>
<li><strong>They get up early.</strong><br />Successful people use the morning to meditate, plan their day and work on important projects without interruptions. When my son was little, I used to get up at 5 a.m. to work on my books so I wouldn't be distracted or interfere with anything that had to do with my kidlet.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>They exercise almost every day.</strong> <br />Exercise increases your energy level, elevates your mood and makes you more confident. Nothing feels better than finishing a hard workout. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>They eat right and watch their weight.</strong> <br />Eating healthy makes you feel better in every size, shape and form. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>They do what they have to do, even when they don't feel like it. </strong><br />Why? Because it needs to be done, and it's the honorable thing to do.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>They don't <em>try</em>, they do. </strong><br />Saying, "I'll try," means you've already decided on a give-up point. <strong><em>Trying</em> is an escape plan; <em>doing</em> is a commitment.</strong> </li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>They plan their day.</strong><br />When I was in college, I would make a 3 x 5 card of everything I had to do the next day before I went to bed. Practically every 15 minutes was accounted for (going to class, studying, taking breaks, eating meals, going to the gym, etc.), and I didn't let anyone or anything short of a tornado change my plan. It was a great way to make sure there wasn't chaos the next day.</li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>They have the right attitude.</strong><br />Successful people think about what they want and formulate a plan to achieve it. <strong>They don't sit around dwelling on what they don't have, what they've missed, and how they have gotten screwed over. </strong>Sure, we all have moments where we are pissy about things that probably won't change, and it's OK to spend some time getting the aggravation out. But you can't spend <em>all</em> your time there. You can visit, but you can't move in. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>They have guts.</strong> <br />That doesn't mean they are not without fear. It means <strong>they are scared and do it anyway.</strong> Successful people actually experience more fear than most people because they put themselves in riskier situations of learning and growing to reach goals. Most people are unwilling to risk being uncomfortable. The night before I was to go national with my radio show for the first time, I was terrified. I sat by the phone hoping somebody would call to say that they had changed their mind. However, I got up in the morning, turned on the microphone, and told myself that it didn't matter if it was local, national or interplanetary - I had a job to do. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>They don't waste their time with mindless activities.</strong><br />Successful people don't spend their time watching reality TV or glued to Facebook. A movie or witty, half-hour comedy is fine, but not the other mind-numbing stuff. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>They are constantly learning, growing and stretching their brains.</strong><br />They take classes, read and watch instructional videos. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>They are people of great strength, character and conviction. </strong><br />They stand by what they say, and say what they mean out loud. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>They manage their money carefully, even if they entrust money matters to their spouse or professionals.</strong></li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>They decide what they want to accomplish, and then figure out a way to make it happen. </strong> </li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>No matter how large or small the task, they do everything with excellence.</strong> <br />Excellence is not the same thing as perfection because perfection is not possible. But when it comes to doing something, <strong>good enough is not good enough</strong>. </li>
<br /><br />
<li><strong>They are loyal. </strong><br />They pick their friends wisely, avoid people who are a pain in the butt, and surround themselves with good people. They take care of others, but also allow others to take care of themselves. </li>
</ol>
<p><br /><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/012314_blog.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2014-01-23T08:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-513847153453850667.html2014-01-22T08:00:00Z2014-01-22T08:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/dlsays_012014_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-01-22T08:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-744034723669120882.html2014-01-17T16:11:00Z2014-01-17T16:11:00Z<p style="text-align: left;"><br /><br /><em>If you can’t fly, run;</em><br /><em>If you can’t run, walk;</em><br /><em>If you can’t walk, crawl;</em><br /><em>But by all means, keep moving.</em></p>
<p>Martin Luther King, Jr. <br />Civil Rights Leader<br />Winner of the Nobel Peace Prize, 1964<br />1929-1968<br /><em>From the Founder’s Day speech at</em><br /><em>Spelman College, April 10, 1960</em><br /><em><br /></em></p>
<img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/011714_bloga.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="333" />Staff2014-01-17T16:11:00ZMy Parents Don't Like the Person I'm DatingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/My-Parents-Dont-Like-the-Person-Im-Dating/-419211386075243833.html2014-01-16T21:46:00Z2014-01-16T21:46:00Z<br />
<p>If you and your parents are having a difference of opinion about the person you're dating or engaged to, you are probably WRONG and your parents are right. Not always, but that's probably the case 95 percent of the time. Why? Because unless your parents are evil, psychos, bigots, nutcases or drunks, <strong>they only want to protect you from your silly self. </strong>Your parents <strong>have been around longer</strong>, they have more relationship experience, and unlike you, <strong>they aren't horny for this person so they are more objective</strong>. Unlike your parents, you may be too young, blind, desperate, or frightened to be thinking rationally. </p>
<p>Just because you're enthralled with someone doesn't mean it's a good project for the rest of your life. I can't tell you how many times callers on my show have told me they saw the red flags when they were dating and people told them marrying their spouse was a bad idea, and yet, they did it anyway. Don't walk into the Valley of the Shadow of Death, have three kids, and then decide that everyone was right and you should have listened. <strong>Not all things in life are fixable; in fact, they can get a whole lot worse</strong>.</p>
<p>For example, one of the biggest warnings people ignore from their parents is about dating someone who is a different religion. A lot of people think religion is not an issue when they're head-over-heels in love, but it is an issue when the kids arrive.</p>
<p>I once gave a talk to a Jewish group at a synagogue. During the Q&A, a man stood up and said that he had married a Christian woman who had agreed to raise their kids Jewish. The problem was, they got divorced. Now he was upset that she was raising the kids to be Christian. On a side note, this is why a lot of kids grow up to be atheists. They figure that neither parent cared enough about their religious point of view to create a family around it, so why should they?</p>
<p>The bottom line is, <strong>you have to ask yourself if it's worth all the stress and drama for the rest of your life</strong>. If there are some personality issues, it's a good idea for everybody (boyfriend, girlfriend, and both sets of parents) to sit down and talk openly without getting defensive.</p>
<p>So, when your parents tell you that the guy or gal you are dating is a loser, psycho, drunk, cheater, or you can't count on them, you need to stop and say to yourself, "My parents are good people, and I respect them. There must be a good reason why they don't like him/her." And if you're dating someone who is rude or acts superior to your parents, dump them. <strong>These are the people who gave birth to you, nurtured you, raised you, and protected and provided for you.</strong></p>
<p>Remember: The Romeo and Juliet story is very romantic, but people ended up dead.</p>Staff2014-01-16T21:46:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/498074291683934283.html2014-01-15T08:00:00Z2014-01-15T08:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/dlsays_011314_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-01-15T08:00:00ZVideo: My Brother, the BullyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-My-Brother,-the-Bully/189245325752849485.html2014-01-14T22:46:00Z2014-01-14T22:46:00Z<p>What can you do when your parents allow your sibling to bully you and the family?  Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/UrfinCUh800" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2014-01-14T22:46:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/93497743096401454.html2014-01-10T00:54:00Z2014-01-10T00:54:00Z<p style="text-align: left;"> <br /><em><br /></em></p>
<img style="float: left;" src="/images/blog/011014_quote_fb.jpg" alt="" width="420" height="420" />Staff2014-01-10T00:54:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/250913088759885667.html2014-01-08T08:00:00Z2014-01-08T08:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/dlsays_010614_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2014-01-08T08:00:00ZVideo: I Fear I'm Going to Be Fired!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-I-Fear-Im-Going-to-Be-Fired!/-434136173509102548.html2014-01-07T22:14:00Z2014-01-07T22:14:00Z<p>What can you do if you think you are disliked by your peers, manager, and employees at work? How can you change these negative feelings? Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/tdNRGOkC_3I" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2014-01-07T22:14:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/647254458203939176.html2014-01-03T15:44:00Z2014-01-03T15:44:00Z<p> <br /><em><br />A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.</em></p>
<p>Author unknown</p>
<img style="display: block; margin-left: NaNpx; margin-right: NaNpx;" src="/images/blog/ny_resolution_blog.jpg" alt="" />Staff2014-01-03T15:44:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/675863358052405506.html2013-12-27T08:00:00Z2013-12-27T08:00:00Z<p> <br /><em><br />The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul....</em></p>
<p>G. K. Chesterton<br />English writer and lay theologian<br />1874-1936<br /><br /> <img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/northern_lights_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" /></p>Staff2013-12-27T08:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/854017650917651875.html2013-12-20T08:00:00Z2013-12-20T08:00:00Z<p><br /><em>[Christmas] is...the season for kindling, not merely the fire of hospitality in the hall, but the genial flame of charity in the heart.</em></p>
<p>Washington Irving<br />American author, historian and diplomat<br />1782-1859<br />From <em>"Old Christmas"</em></p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/christmas_hearth_blog.jpg" alt="" width="410" height="410" /></p>Staff2013-12-20T08:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-820232759635956755.html2013-12-18T08:00:00Z2013-12-18T08:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/121613_every_day_is_opportunity_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-12-18T08:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/864059383267524028.html2013-12-13T14:48:00Z2013-12-13T14:48:00Z<p><br /><em>If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant. </em><br /><br />Anne Bradstreet<br /><br /> <img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/winter_storm_blog.jpg" alt="" width="414" height="414" /></p>Staff2013-12-13T14:48:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-176731634093078288.html2013-12-11T08:00:00Z2013-12-11T08:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/120913_choose_goals_in_life_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-12-11T08:00:00ZVideo: Sabotaging Your WorkoutStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Sabotaging-Your-Workout/-674286619882434562.html2013-12-10T20:28:00Z2013-12-10T20:28:00Z<p>Losing weight can be slow going if you're constantly having a pity party about exercising. What can you do to change this behavior? Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/hOMuRzXr-00" height="349"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-12-10T20:28:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/797444866050141443.html2013-12-06T17:52:00Z2013-12-06T17:52:00Z<p><br />Do not judge me by my successes. Judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again. <br /><br />Nelson Mandela <br />Anti-apartheid revolutionary and former President of South Africa <br />1918-2013 <br /> <img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/mandela.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2013-12-06T17:52:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/795963114741556752.html2013-12-04T08:00:00Z2013-12-04T08:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/120213_not_doing_right_600.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-12-04T08:00:00ZVideo: Financially Betrayed by My SpouseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Financially-Betrayed-by-My-Spouse/262761131923026743.html2013-12-03T21:32:00Z2013-12-03T21:32:00Z<p>What do you do when a spouse puts the family into deep debt? Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/rPcgYliWUAM" height="349"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-12-03T21:32:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/122579222410301350.html2013-11-29T08:00:00Z2013-11-29T08:00:00Z<p><br /><br /></p>
<p>Something to think about on "Black Friday:" <br /><br /><em>"...only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have."</em> <br /><br />Author unknown <br /> <img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/shoppers_blog.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2013-11-29T08:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-967756579048587120.html2013-11-27T23:47:00Z2013-11-27T23:47:00Z<img src="/images/blog/112513_choose_wisely_600.jpg" alt="Choose wisely; treat kindly." width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-11-27T23:47:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/610087790938754059.html2013-11-22T15:06:00Z2013-11-22T15:06:00Z<p><br /><br /></p>
<p>Children are the world's most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.</p>
<p>John F. Kennedy<br />35<sup>th</sup> President of the United States<br />1917-1963<br /> <img style="display: block; margin-left: NaNpx; margin-right: NaNpx;" src="/images/blog/nasa_kid_blog.jpg" alt="" width="550" height="367" /></p>Staff2013-11-22T15:06:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-703676778450181234.html2013-11-20T08:00:00Z2013-11-20T08:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/111813_never_ask_permission_600.jpg" alt="Never ask permission to do a good deed." width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-11-20T08:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/128711734980207367.html2013-11-15T17:47:00Z2013-11-15T17:47:00Z<p><br /><br /><em>Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.</em><br /><br /><br />Dale Carnegie<br />American writer and lecturer <br />Author of <em>How to Win Friends and Influence People</em> <br />1888-1955 <br /><br /> <img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/success_happiness_blog.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2013-11-15T17:47:00ZVideo: My Snarky Teenage SonStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-My-Snarky-Teenage-Son/53921372532627900.html2013-11-13T22:33:00Z2013-11-13T22:33:00Z<p>Why is it that teenagers can be well-mannered out in public, but when disagreeing with their parents, they display contempt? Watch: </p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/SO_o9QHANcI" height="349"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-11-13T22:33:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/382227600235176195.html2013-11-13T08:00:00Z2013-11-13T08:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/111113_dont_worry_about_600.jpg" alt="Don't worry about what other people think of you; worry about what people you ESTEEM think of you." width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-11-13T08:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/514020172696730854.html2013-11-08T17:00:00Z2013-11-08T17:00:00Z<p><br /><br /><em>Our debt to the heroic men and valiant women in the service of our country can never be repaid. They have earned our undying gratitude. America will never forget their sacrifices.</em><br /><br />Harry S. Truman<br />1884-1972<br />33<sup>rd</sup> President of the United States<br /><br />Monday, November 11 is Veterans Day.</p>
<p> <img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/vd_2013_blog.jpg" alt="" width="507" height="338" /></p>Staff2013-11-08T17:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/708153256317609475.html2013-11-06T08:00:00Z2013-11-06T08:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/110413_people_dont_hide_600.jpg" alt="People don't generally hide things they think are right." width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-11-06T08:00:00ZVideo: Wanting a Clean & Organized HomeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Wanting-a-Clean--Organized-Home/482098441279448625.html2013-11-05T21:55:00Z2013-11-05T21:55:00Z<p>What can you do when you're caught between your neatnik spouse and your untidy teens? Watch: </p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/J_-zLDAcdH8" height="349"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-11-05T21:55:00ZHow to Have a Happy MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Have-a-Happy-Marriage/-32277034525132163.html2013-11-02T07:00:00Z2013-11-02T07:00:00Z<p><br /><br />Married couples don't grow apart - they stop paying attention, showing affection and caring for each other. Most people who get divorced within the first five years of marriage later realize that the split was totally unnecessary.</p>
<p style="text-align: left;">So, how can you keep your marriage happy? Follow these <a href="http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/happy-marriage-no-nitpicking" target="_blank">six tips</a>:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em><strong>1. Marriage is about giving, not keeping score.</strong></em> There are going to be times when you are making the compromises, and there are going to be times when your spouse is making the compromises. It all evens out eventually. Don't make your marriage a competition of who does more. </p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong><em>2. There is no marriage without annoyances.</em></strong> Not one. No two people are 100 percent, completely compatible. When you ask older couples what's the secret to staying together for so many years, one of the things they'll say is you have to let a lot of things go and ignore what isn't going to change. You have to stop nitpicking and learn to live with things.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong><em>3. Learn which issues can be remedied and which cannot.</em></strong> Not every conflict in a marriage gets resolved. There are always going to be issues with in-laws, children, money, etc. Many people who go into marriage counseling are dissatisfied with the outcome because they think all the problems will be gone forever. Not a chance. The reality is that the small, nitpicky ones are never going to change, and you're only wasting your breath by getting angry about them. Besides, you knew what you were getting when you were dating this person (That's why you should date for two years before getting engaged!). If you said, "I do", you embraced those idiosyncrasies, so leave your spouse alone. <em>You're better off not trying to change them. Work around the quirks and commit to staying together. Resolving the problems is not what's really important. What's important is keeping things positive. </em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong><em>4. If you are going to fight or argue, make it about the big issues,</em></strong> not the little stupid stuff like socks being left on the floor. Is it really beneath your dignity to pick them up yourself? Jesus was on his hands and knees washing people's feet. Keep that image in mind when you think you're above picking up a pair of socks.<br /> <br /><strong><em>5. For every negative thought, word or action on your part, you need at least FIVE positive ones.</em></strong> Make small gestures and make them often. Always think about repairing the relationship even when it's not damaged. After all, that's what our bodies do. Even when we're not sick or injured, our bodies are constantly replacing dead cells. You've got to do the same thing in your marriage except the balance must be even more heavily stacked in repair mode. How do you do that? With humor and affection.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em><strong>6. See your spouse's point of view.</strong></em> When you are aggravated with your spouse, take on the role of your spouse's defense attorney. Maybe they're exhausted from sitting in traffic after being hounded at work all day. Maybe they've had a particularly stressful day with the kids. If you take each other's side instead of instantly attacking, there's going to be a lot more peace. </p>
<p>You made vows to cherish your spouse, so cherish them! Don't nitpick, blame or constantly criticize. Happily married couples don't live to fight another day. By spending most of your time being positive, you'll feel better, your spouse will feel better, the marriage will be healthier, and the kids will be happier.</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/happy_marriage_blog.jpg" alt="" width="466" height="310" /></p>Staff2013-11-02T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-618416144370274456.html2013-11-01T14:38:00Z2013-11-01T14:38:00Z<p><br /><br /><em>Time is what we want most, but…what we use worst.</em></p>
<p>William Penn<br />English entrepreneur, early Quaker and founder of Pennsylvania<br />1644-1718<br /><em>From the Preface to "Some Fruits of Solitude" (1682)</em></p>
<p>And you’ll get an extra hour of time this weekend – remember to turn your clocks <strong>BACK </strong>one hour on Saturday.</p>
<p> <img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/clock_blog.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2013-11-01T14:38:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/157360923003433037.html2013-10-30T07:00:00Z2013-10-30T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/102813_mother_badmouth_husband_600.jpg" alt="Any time you permit your mother to badmouth your husband, you put her before him. That's abusive." width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-10-30T07:00:00ZVideo: She Stole, Then Lied About ItStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-She-Stole,-Then-Lied-About-It/-510333487793038707.html2013-10-29T18:08:00Z2013-10-29T18:08:00Z<p>How can an aunt teach a niece the consequences of stealing and lying? Watch: </p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/W_Q9Qs1-4dU" height="349"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-10-29T18:08:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-553847004886752421.html2013-10-25T16:05:00Z2013-10-25T16:05:00Z<p><br /><br /><em>I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.</em><br /><br />Maya Angelou<br />American author and poet<br />1928 -</p>
<p> <img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/girlfriends_blog.jpg" alt="" width="507" height="337" /></p>Staff2013-10-25T16:05:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-925306758393594222.html2013-10-23T07:00:00Z2013-10-23T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/102113_dating_about_selecting_600.jpg" alt="Dating should be about selecting, not being selected." width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-10-23T07:00:00ZVideo: Helping With School ProjectsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Helping-With-School-Projects/738579253076905898.html2013-10-22T15:32:00Z2013-10-22T15:32:00Z<p>How involved should a parent be with their child's homework assignments? Watch: </p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/np8i0gY4R10" height="349"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-10-22T15:32:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/75051097804547950.html2013-10-18T13:27:00Z2013-10-18T13:27:00Z<p> </p>
<p><em>Happiness doesn’t always come from a pursuit. Sometimes it comes when we least expect it</em>.<em></em></p>
<p>Dalai Lama XIV<br />Religious Leader<br /> <img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/dog_licking_girl_blog.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2013-10-18T13:27:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/81313835623574333.html2013-10-16T07:00:00Z2013-10-16T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/101413_not_selfesteem_character_600.jpg" alt="Don't worry so much about your self-esteem. Worry more about your character." width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-10-16T07:00:00ZVideo: Alone, Scared and LostStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Alone,-Scared-and-Lost/479018099701460960.html2013-10-15T18:53:00Z2013-10-15T18:53:00Z<p>How do you start your life again after losing your longtime spouse? Watch: </p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/vqJ2jU8giBo" height="349"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-10-15T18:53:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/831350664882889714.html2013-10-11T12:47:00Z2013-10-11T12:47:00Z<p> </p>
<p><em>If Columbus had an advisory committee, he would probably still be at the dock.<br /></em><br />Arthur Goldberg<br />American statesman and jurist<br />1908-1990</p>
<p>Columbus Day will be observed on Monday.</p>
<p> <img style="display: block; margin-left: NaNpx; margin-right: NaNpx;" src="/images/blog/nina_pinta_santamaria_blog.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="411" /></p>Staff2013-10-11T12:47:00Z10 Things to Do to Stop Yelling at Your KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/10-Things-to-Do-to-Stop-Yelling-at-Your-Kids/998972918980543940.html2013-10-10T07:00:00Z2013-10-10T07:00:00Z<p><br /><br />Constantly screaming and yelling at your kids is abusive, useless and stupid (if it was useful, you wouldn't have to do it more than once). Most parents scream because they are frustrated; their buttons have been pushed and they feel like they don't have any other options. However, the minute you lose it, you lose all the power.</p>
<p>You would think that screaming would make your kids fear you. It doesn't. As a matter of fact, it does just the opposite. Kids lose respect for you when you start screaming and yelling because you've lost control. They know that the yelling will pass, or they become so frustrated and angry that after a while, they become immune to it and don't take you seriously.</p>
<p>Now, just as all kids misbehave, disobey, talk back, ignore chores and fight with siblings, all parents are going to holler every now and then. However, you need to pay close attention to <em>how</em> you're yelling. Blaming and shaming - "You're a loser," "You're useless," "You're the reason I'm upset" - are very destructive, especially if the child is being told that he or she is responsible for the parent's problem. According to <em>The American Journal of Psychiatry</em>, emotional abuse is the most significant predictor of mental health, even more than sexual or physical abuse.</p>
<p><a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2004/11/09/health/09yell.html?_r=1&" target="_blank">Here</a> are <strong>10 things you can do to stop yelling at your kids:</strong></p>
<ol>
<li><em><strong>Set clear boundaries. </strong></em><br />Kids are not psychic - you have to make the rules clear. If the rules aren't clear, kids have trouble following them. You may assume that your child heard and remembers something you said to them in passing, but they may not. So, you need to be really clear. Instead of saying, "Don't come in the house with wet shoes," say, "When you come in the house, I want you to take your shoes off and leave them by the front door - whether they are wet or not. That way, we won't bring the trash and germs from outside into the house." Now that's clear. Or, if you want your child to pick up their room, physically go in there and <em>show them </em>what you mean (when I was a kid, throwing everything into my closet and closing the door was my idea of cleaning my room).</li>
<li><em><strong>Set simple consequences. </strong></em><br />Many parents<em> threaten consequences and then don't follow through on them.</em> However, empty threats don't work.</li>
<li><em><strong>Speak to your child on his or her level.</strong></em><br />Bend down so that you're eye-to-eye. Getting face-to-face makes it easier for them to hear you, listen to you and pay attention. </li>
<li><em><strong>Be sure your child understands what you are asking.</strong></em><br />After you've instructed your child to do something, have them repeat it back to you. That way, you'll know if they've actually heard it.</li>
<li><em><strong>Respond every time a rule is broken.</strong></em><br />Be consistent. Each and every time a rule is broken, calmly impose the consequence.</li>
<li><em><strong>Remind your child of the rule only ONE time. </strong></em><br />Your child gets one reminder. After that, they get a consequence.</li>
<li><em><strong>Immediately deliver the consequence.</strong></em></li>
<li><em><strong>Ask someone to remind you when you're yelling.</strong></em><br />Pick someone who knows you well (a spouse, parent, friend, etc.) and ask them to give you a signal when they see you yelling.</li>
<li><em><strong>Respond kindly when your child yells at you.</strong></em><br />Instead of shouting back when your child is screaming at you, just calmly say, "I know you're mad at me right now, but please talk to me like I'm someone you love." That stops everyone in their tracks.</li>
<li><em><strong>Take a "parent" time-out.</strong></em><br />Sometimes even parents need a time-out. It doesn't mean you have to go sit in the corner, it just means that you need to take a break. Take a shower. Have a cup of tea or a glass of wine. Revisit the situation later when you're not feeling so angry. In fact, walking out of the room inspires fear far more than yelling does.</li>
</ol>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/dont_yell_at_your_kids_blog.jpg" alt="" width="420" height="420" /></p>Staff2013-10-10T07:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-801930467932966404.html2013-10-09T07:00:00Z2013-10-09T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/100713_circumstances_600.jpg" alt="The people and circumstances around me do not make me what I am; they reveal who I am" width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-10-09T07:00:00ZVideo: Only One of My Children Was Invited!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Only-One-of-My-Children-Was-Invited!/-609820029665925677.html2013-10-08T19:48:00Z2013-10-08T19:48:00Z<p>As a parent, what do you do when one sibling has been invited to a party, but not the other sibling? Watch: </p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/paxCTW4IJJY" height="349"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-10-08T19:48:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-392349877794282511.html2013-10-04T07:00:00Z2013-10-04T07:00:00Z<p> </p>
<p><em>The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.</em></p>
<p><br />Walt Disney<br />1901-1966<br /> </p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/quit_talking_begin_doing_blog_1.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2013-10-04T07:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-781246001093488008.html2013-10-02T07:00:00Z2013-10-02T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/093013_learn_something_better_600.jpg" alt="You never learn something better than when you're teaching it to someone else." width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-10-02T07:00:00ZVideo: You Got Your Friend a JobStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-You-Got-Your-Friend-a-Job/-371310972523435661.html2013-10-01T21:02:00Z2013-10-01T21:02:00Z<p>You helped your friend get a job at your workplace. What were you thinking? And sure enough the friendship has deteriorated. Watch: </p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/c-2ShrpjUL4" height="349"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-10-01T21:02:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/249886485175107188.html2013-09-27T15:19:00Z2013-09-27T15:19:00Z<p> </p>
<p><em>The pessimist complains about the wind;</em><br /><em>The optimist expects it to change;</em><br /><em>The realist adjusts the sails.</em></p>
<p><br />William A. Ward<br /> 1921-1994<br />Author, educator, and motivational speaker</p>
<p> </p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/adjust_sails_blog.jpg" alt="" width="414" height="414" /></p>Staff2013-09-27T15:19:00ZHow to Respond to Insults and Put-DownsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Respond-to-Insults-and-Put-Downs/800766136576245618.html2013-09-26T21:00:00Z2013-09-26T21:00:00Z<p><br />As human beings, we all want to be liked by the people who really matter to us and know that our efforts are appreciated. So, when someone puts us down, excludes us or reacts negatively to what we do, it taps into our individual insecurities and can really sting.<br /> <br />Here are some of my strategies for dealing with insults:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>1. Don't look upset</strong></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">I don't care if you're about to crumble into a little heap like an old-style vampire who has been out in the sun - <strong>never let them see you sweat</strong>. That's exactly what they want. If you don't look hurt, then their insults haven't worked. Just smile and look as though they said "good morning" to you. Don't act weak - they'll treat you like prey and continue to abuse you.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>2. Don't retaliate</strong></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>Confront the situation with humor.</strong> Instead of getting in their face, making threats or saying something you'll regret, just say, "Gosh, thank you so much. I'm really going to think about that because it might be very helpful to my life." It's called sarcasm, but if you sell it well, it seems sincere.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>3. Listen</strong></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Even though they're being an ass, they may actually have some useful information you can use to improve yourself. </p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>4. Respond to the intent behind the insult, not the insult itself</strong></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Say something like, "Wow, what happened between us that made you want to hurt me?" That way, you're highlighting their intent to hurt you rather than addressing the insult. (It also doesn't hurt to have other people around when you say this because it will really make the insulter look and feel uncomfortable).</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>5. If you find out someone is talking about you behind your back...</strong></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Approach the person and say, "I just wanted to tell you that I'm worried about you because I think you are trusting the wrong people. I've heard that you've been saying unpleasant things about me. I'm not upset about that - you're entitled to your opinion - I just wanted you to know that they are not protecting your privacy." Be sure to use the word "they"; that way, you don't reveal who told you, and you make the gossiper feel paranoid about who he or she can trust. By making it seem like you're showing them great compassion, you're covertly addressing their insult and making them think twice before saying bad things about you or anyone else.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>6. Walk away </strong><br /> <br />The unfortunate truth is that some people won't give up. You should simply avoid them and keep them out of your life.</p>Staff2013-09-26T21:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/540837509438327371.html2013-09-25T14:35:00Z2013-09-25T14:35:00Z<img src="/images/blog/092313_dont_marry_600.jpg" alt="Don't marry into a situation to fix your childhood. It doesn't get repaired." width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-09-25T14:35:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/33049593969192762.html2013-09-20T14:30:00Z2013-09-20T14:30:00Z<p> </p>
<p><em>Autumn is the perfect time to take account of what we've done, what we didn't do, and what we'd like to do next year.</em></p>
<p><br />Author unknown</p>
<p> </p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/autumn_1_blog.jpg" alt="" width="420" height="419" /></p>Staff2013-09-20T14:30:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/938769335997182853.html2013-09-18T07:00:00Z2013-09-18T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/091613_finding_yourself_600.jpg" alt="When you devote your life to 'finding yourself,' you probably won't." width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-09-18T07:00:00ZVideo: Rules of the HouseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Rules-of-the-House/412890667592037060.html2013-09-17T19:14:00Z2013-09-17T19:14:00Z<p>If a young adult disobeys the rules of the house, then moves out, should a parent permit them to move back in? Watch: </p>
<p><iframe width="560" height="349" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/16W6DgbqEMI"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-09-17T19:14:00ZDo We Always Have to Forgive?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Do-We-Always-Have-to-Forgive/349911206079128789.html2013-09-16T21:27:00Z2013-09-16T21:27:00Z<p>Periodically, I turn my blog over to a guest author, and today is such a day. Please take a look at what Leo Michel Abrami has written about forgiveness. </p>
<p>Just to remind you, I have four requirements for meaningful forgiveness:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><strong>Responsibility</strong> - The perpetrator needs to take complete responsibility for what he or she has done.</p>
<p><strong>Remorse</strong> - The perpetrator must be truly remorseful.</p>
<p><strong>Repair</strong> - The perpetrator must do whatever it takes to repair the damage.</p>
<p><strong>Repetition</strong> - The perpetrator must take whatever steps necessary so that this action is never repeated.</p>
</blockquote>
<p>In his article, Leo Michel Abrami points out that forgiveness has significant differences when viewed through the eyes of Christians and Jews:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">"We are constantly admonished to forgive the person who has wronged us. Some prominent religious leaders invoke theological principles to support the view that we should forgive everyone including criminals.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">What about the victims of an offense that was directed against them? Can they automatically forgive what was done to them? Can the survivors of the Concentration Camps, for instance, forgive those who murdered the members of their family and their community? This query is at the heart of a book of memoirs which was written a few years ago by Simon Wiesenthal under the title <em>The Sunflower</em>. Actually, the author addresses this question to all of us: Should we forgive the Nazis for what they did to the millions of innocent children, women and men whom they murdered during World War II?</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Wiesenthal tells us that while he was an inmate at the Lemberg Concentration Camp in 1943, he was summoned by a nurse to the bedside of a dying Nazi who asked him for forgiveness for the horrendous crimes he perpetrated. He had murdered 300 Jews by setting ablaze the building in which they were living. As the Jews were leaping out of windows in an attempt to escape the burning building, he gunned them down. The Nazi was now begging Wiesenthal, a member of the Jewish people, to accept his last moment remorse, so that he might die with a peaceful conscience. Wiesenthal, however, could not find the will to forgive the Nazi and he remained silent. In his own words, he says:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>Was my silence at the bedside of the dying Nazi right or wrong? This is a profound moral question that challenges the conscience of the reader of this episode, just as much as it once challenged my heart and mind. There are those who can appreciate my dilemma... and there are others who will be ready to condemn me for refusing to ease the last moment of a repentant murderer. Forgetting is something that time alone can take care of, but forgiveness is an act of volition, and only the person who suffered is qualified to make the decision.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">The author concludes his account by asking the reader: <em>What would you have done if you had been in my place?</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">That question was addressed to fifty-three noted thinkers of different faiths, including the Dalai Lama, and their responses were published in an additional volume <em>On the Possibilities and Limits of Forgiveness.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">By examining the various responses, one becomes immediately aware of some significant differences between Jewish and Christian authors. The Jewish respondents thought Wiesenthal had his reasons for remaining silent, while the Christian respondents felt the Nazi murderer should have been forgiven…"</p>
<p><br />Read the rest of Leo Michel Abrami's article: "<strong><a href="http://www.academia.edu/4461466/Do_We_Always_Have_to_Forgive" target="_blank">Do We Always Have to Forgive?</a></strong>"</p>
<p class="NoSpacing"> </p>Staff2013-09-16T21:27:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/900842870061948026.html2013-09-13T14:20:00Z2013-09-13T14:20:00Z<p> </p>
<p><em>A black cat crossing your path signifies the animal is going somewhere.</em></p>
<p><br />Groucho Marx<br />American comedian, film and television star<br />1890-1977</p>
<p> </p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/black_cat_blog.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2013-09-13T14:20:00ZHow to Stop Negative ThinkingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Stop-Negative-Thinking/-569569782723420983.html2013-09-12T22:54:00Z2013-09-12T22:54:00Z<p class="NoSpacing"><br />A little bit of skepticism and paranoia is healthy. It's what keeps you alert and aware of bad things that could happen and protects you from being victimized and preyed upon. However, too much negative thinking can be just as enfeebling as walking around with pure naivety. <br /><br />Research shows that if you grow up in a house with negative thinkers, you get trained from an early age to have that reaction. I know this all too well because I lived it firsthand. I'm a knee-jerk negative thinker because that's how my parents were. And even though I have never been able to shut off that reflex, I have learned how to pull my act together and work in a positive way to get over it. If that were not the case, I wouldn't be here talking to you because I never would have accomplished what I have with all the roadblocks one has as a female in higher education and the media. <br /><br />Here are some things to keep in mind the next time you start having negative thoughts:<!-- p--></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>1. It's OK to have an initial, knee-jerk negative reaction, you just can't stay in that mindset. </strong><br />Everyone deserves an opportunity to complain a little and blow off some steam. It's both calming and cleansing. However, you then have to turn it around and use it to kick ass. It's like driving a stick shift: You start off in a negative gear and then shift up to a positive gear. <br /><br /><strong>2. Where you are now is not necessarily where you're going to end up.</strong><br />The problem with negative thinking is that you don't look for options. It may be something only a millimeter better, but at least it's <em>better</em>. If you look for options instead of excuses, you can improve your situation. <br /><br /><strong>3. Life is not a box of chocolates - it's flowers growing out of horse poop. </strong><br />Sometimes it takes guts to stay even the slightest bit optimistic and positive through a setback. However, in order to make flowers grow in a field, you need fertilizer.<br /><br /><strong>4. By only focusing on the failures and catastrophes, you don't notice the small, good things which are there all the time.</strong> <br />There are people who will betray you, screw you over, steal from you, lie, cheat, gossip, and try to maim you physically, emotionally and socially. But just because they're out there doesn't mean they're all that's out there. <br /><br /><strong>5. If you think you're going to fail, you're probably right.</strong> <br />One thing I've learned from shooting pool is that if you have it in your head that you're going to miss a shot, you almost always do. Learn to expect the positives, not <em>just</em> the negatives. Instead of saying, "I'm sure I'm going to fail," say, "I'm scared, but I'm going to do my best and keep my toes crossed." <br /><br /><strong>6. Celebrate the good stuff. </strong><br />Don't minimize the positives. When good things happen, throw yourself a mental party, if not a real party. <br /><br /><strong>7. It's not over 'til it's over.</strong><br />Never stop trying hard because you figure it's over. I can't tell you how many times I've had a bad start, made a mistake, or been dead last in a sailboat race only to come back and win or place. At the end of the race, I feel like a moron for ever having allowed a negative thought to cross my mind. Out on the water, my mantra now is, "Do you see the finish line? No? Then it's not over." <br /><br /><strong>8. Negativity is contagious. </strong><br />Surround yourself with positive people and minimize your interaction with negative ones. <br /><br /><strong>9. If you are thinking negatively about someone, ask yourself if it's because of a quirk or their character.</strong><br />Many of you have very strong expectations about other people's behavior. I do too. However, by being too rigid, you're not going to have any friends. I accept all quirks that have nothing to do with character. We all have human frailties and things that could be improved upon. For example, I have a friend who smokes. He doesn't do it in my presence and he chews a ton of gum so I can't detect it. I'm friends with him because that's a quirk, not a character issue. <br /><br />Character issues are where I draw the line. To me, one of the classiest things a person can do when they find out they've screwed up in any size, shape or form is to own it and say, "I'm sorry." In my opinion, that shows you are a person of character. Most people seem to have a very hard time owning their stuff. <!-- p--></p>
<p>For more advice on how to put an end to negative thinking, read my book, <strong><em><a href="/pg/jsp/community/bookdetail.jsp?detID=-547188684474069642">Stop Whining, Start Living.</a></em></strong></p>
<p> </p>Staff2013-09-12T22:54:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/836923507918486794.html2013-09-11T07:00:00Z2013-09-11T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/090913_a_lousy_relationship_600.jpg" alt="A lousy relationship is never better than no relationship at all." width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-09-11T07:00:00ZVideo: Consequences to Drunken ActionsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Consequences-to-Drunken-Actions/803972307212172315.html2013-09-10T16:37:00Z2013-09-10T16:37:00Z<p>It's never a good time when there's a drunk at a party - particularly when it's a close friend or relative. Should you tell or not tell the drunk why they are not being invited to the latest party at your home? Watch: </p>
<p><iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/MDV5TE3rJGg" frameborder="0" height="349" width="560"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-09-10T16:37:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-75632822118686744.html2013-09-06T15:56:00Z2013-09-06T15:56:00Z<p> </p>
<p><em>It isn't all over; everything has not been invented; the human adventure is just beginning.</em></p>
<p>Gene Roddenberry<br />1921 - 1991<br />Creator of original "Star Trek" TV series</p>
<p> </p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/startrek_blog.jpg" alt="" width="420" height="315" /></p>Staff2013-09-06T15:56:00ZPutting Your Spouse Before Your ParentsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Putting-Your-Spouse-Before-Your-Parents/-123678406442565473.html2013-09-05T21:30:00Z2013-09-05T21:30:00Z<br />
<p>Many married couples have trouble with the question of who comes first, your spouse or your parents? The answer is your spouse – that’s your first obligation. When you get married, you leave your parents. It doesn't mean you don't talk to them anymore (unless they're horrible), but you have to cater to the new dynamic. <em>You're going to have a much stronger marriage if you become a loyal husband or wife. </em></p>
<p>Here are some of the things I hear all the time from callers on my show:</p>
<ul>
<li><em>"I just don't have the courage to say ‘no’ to my parents." </em></li>
<li><em>"I don’t have a problem saying ‘no’ to my spouse, but I can't say ‘no’ to my parents.”</em></li>
<li><em>"My parent did nothing wrong, my spouse is overreacting." </em></li>
</ul>
<p>I want to discuss how to put your spouse before your parents, and particularly, how to stop your parents from ruining your relationship. But first, let me ask you a few <a href="http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=709" target="_blank">questions</a>:</p>
<ul>
<li><em>Does your husband or wife get upset when your parents drop by uninvited?</em> </li>
<li><em>Is your spouse bothered by the fact that your mother calls constantly at all hours, day and night? </em></li>
<li><em>Do you pressure your husband or wife to spend vacations with your parents because your parents want you to?</em></li>
<li><em>Do you listen to your Mommy or Daddy gossip about your mate? </em></li>
<li><em>Guys, do you accuse your wife of overeating when she complains about something your parents said? </em></li>
<li><em>Ladies, do you consistently turn to your father for advice instead of your husband?</em></li>
</ul>
<p>If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then you’re caught in a classic parent-spouse tug-of-war: “I want to please my parents. No wait, my spouse. No, my parents. No, my spouse…”</p>
<p>But don’t panic quite yet – I have some good news. Ready?</p>
<p><strong><em>YOU DON’T HAVE TO </em></strong><strong><em>TRY</em></strong><strong><em> TO PLEASE EVERYONE! </em></strong></p>
<p>The choice between your spouse and parents was already made when you took your vows. Your vows trump everything, even your neurotic attachment to your parents or your wussyhood in dealing with their over-controlling nature. You have to focus on making your spouse your first priority, no matter how much it pisses off your mom or dad.</p>
<p>Here are 9 of the most <a href="http://ideas.thenest.com/love-and-sex-advice/dealing-with-relationship-issues/articles/ways-parents-ruin-relationships.aspx" target="_blank">common things</a> your parents might be doing to interfere with your marriage and how you can deal with them:</p>
<p><strong><em>1. They're too intrusive.</em></strong> They always have to know everything about what's going on. They show up uninvited and/or overstay their welcome.<em> </em></p>
<p><strong><em>How to deal:</em></strong> <em>Set some rules and set them fast.</em> Talk to your parents about visits and say that they have to call first because “we might be in the middle of sex in the living room and we don't want to be interrupted” (when you say things like that, parents hear you loud and clear). Tell them that you love them, but if they don’t call in advance, the door will not open unless it’s an emergency or somebody just died. Saying this might hurt their feelings, but it’s required.</p>
<p><strong><em>2. They assume that since you came from them, you're going to do exactly what they did.</em></strong> Houses, finances, kids, clothes, vacations – whatever it is, your parents expect you to do things exactly the way they did.</p>
<p><strong><em>How to deal: </em></strong>A marriage brings together two people with two sets of genes, behaviors, family dynamics, and ways of doing things. <em>Tell your parents that you appreciate their input and viewpoints, but you've made your own decision. </em>Say you expect that someday your kids are going to tick you off too when they make their own decisions (a good joke thrown in is always helpful).</p>
<p><strong><em>3. Your parents try to do everything for you</em></strong>. <em>They shower you with a car or a vacation (of course, the car is the one they picked out and the vacation is with them.)</em> </p>
<p><strong><em>How to deal:</em></strong> If you don't have a lot of money, it seems like fun to have your parents pay for you, but there are always strings attached. You become dependent on them, which means that you and your spouse are not two adults joined together as one. Tell your parents no gifts over $100. <em>It may take you longer to save for your house or you may be staying at home for your vacation instead of going to </em><em>Hawaii</em><em>, but you'll have more pride in yourself and your spouse. </em></p>
<p><strong><em>4. They bad-mouth your spouse.</em></strong> </p>
<p><strong><em>How to deal:</em></strong><strong> </strong>Explain to your parents that you don't want to hear it and that you won’t be talking to them if they don’t stop. You married your spouse, not them, and if you’re happy, then that’s what matters.</p>
<p><strong><em>5. They criticize your lifestyle.</em></strong> <em>From how far away you live to how you spend your money, it’s constant condemnation. </em></p>
<p><strong><em>How to deal:</em></strong><em> </em>Stand by your choices and your spouse. You must live your life your way. <strong>NEVER side with your parents against your spouse,</strong> and don't carry their criticisms home with you. Don’t<strong> </strong>tell your spouse it went down, just deal with it. </p>
<p><strong><em>6. They make a mountain out of a molehill</em></strong>. <em>Maybe you picked your sister-in-law's wedding over the annual family reunion and now your parents are mad</em>.</p>
<p><strong><em>How to deal: </em></strong><em>Gently</em> <em>remind them that you have two families now</em> and that there is going to be triage (in this case, the one-time wedding takes precedence over the annual reunion).</p>
<p><strong><em>7. They set a bad example.</em></strong> <em>Your mother has been divorced four times, or your dad is cheap beyond repair.</em> </p>
<p><strong><em>How to deal:</em></strong> <em>You can't fix your parents or the past, so don't bother trying. Instead, put your energy into not picking up their bad habits. </em></p>
<p><strong><em>8. They don't want to share.</em></strong> <em>You have to be there for every birthday and holiday because that's the tradition. </em></p>
<p><strong><em>How to deal:</em></strong> <em>Parents usually expect all holidays and family celebrations to remain the same even after you get married. </em>However, you need to tell them that you have a new family, which means new traditions.</p>
<p><strong><em>9. They ignore the rules you have for your kids</em></strong>. <em>They load your kids up with gummy bears or worms, and let them stay up until 2 in the morning</em> <em>when you’ve said “no” </em>(and when they never let YOU do it when you were a kid).</p>
<p><strong><em>How to deal:</em></strong> <em>Don't fight, just lay down the law. Limit your parents to short periods of time if they don't follow the rules, or make sure you're there. </em>Minimize the time that they can do damage.<em> </em></p>
<p>Now, what happens if it’s <strong>your spouse’s parents who are rubbing you the wrong way?</strong></p>
<p><strong><em>How to deal:</em></strong> Talk to your spouse. Say, "I don't know why I have such a bone to pick with your parents, but I can't stand it when your mother or father does ______." Usually, your spouse will respond, "I know, I grew up with that." By having an honest conversation instead of attacking them, you can become a team in learning to deal with it. </p>
<br />Staff2013-09-05T21:30:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-405999406673838424.html2013-09-04T18:00:00Z2013-09-04T18:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/090313_who_has_responsibility_600.jpg" alt="Remember, whoever has the responsibility has the power." width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-09-04T18:00:00ZDear Daughter LetterStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dear-Daughter-Letter/307289010857846705.html2013-09-01T19:25:00Z2013-09-01T19:25:00Z<br />After watching Miley Cyrus disgusting performance on the VMAs, angry mom Kim Keller wrote an open letter to her 13-year-old daughter to turn this ugly display into a teaching moment. I loved her letter so much, I read it on air, and am posting it below. <br /><br />Kim just sent in this follow-up email which I wanted to share with you:<br />
<blockquote>Thank you from Roadkill Goldfish, the author of "Dear Daughter". I am the mom who wrote that viral letter about my commitment to parent my child. I wanted to thank you for reading it on the air. The feedback from parents has been OVERWHELMINGLY positive.<br /><br />Dr. Laura, YOU are the reason I am my kids' mom. I used to listen to your show on my commute. I was on a corporate fast-track, and I had every intention of going back to my full-time job after my daughter's birth, but when the doctor handed me the sweet pink bundle I knew I couldn't let anyone else raise her. <br /><br />I would absolutely hug your neck if I had the opportunity, and I am so honored to have had you read my words. Thank you for being bold. Thank you for looking out for children. <br /><br />Best regards,<br /><br />Kim Keller<br /><a href="http://roadkillgoldfish.com" target="_blank">The Roadkill Goldfish</a><br /><br /></blockquote>
Here is Kim's "<a href="http://bit.ly/16U34ki" target="_blank">Dear Daughter</a>" letter:<br /><br />
<blockquote>"Dear daughter, let Miley Cyrus be a lesson to you.<br /> <br /> Yes, this is what happens when you constantly hear everything you do is awesome. This is what happens when people fawn over your every Tweet and Instagram photo. This is what happens when no<span class="text_exposed_show"> responsible adult has ever said the word 'no,' made you change your clothes before leaving the house, or never spanked your butt for deliberate defiance.<br /> <br /> If you ever even consider doing something like that, I promise you that I will run up and twerk so you will see how ridiculous twerking looks. I will duct tape your mouth shut so your tongue doesn’t hangout like an overheated hound dog. I will smack any male whom you decide to smash against his pelvis – after I first knock you on your butt for forgetting how a lady acts in public.<br /> <br /> Why would I do that? Because I love you and I want you to respect yourself. Miley Cyrus is not edgy or cool or sexy. She’s a desperate girl screaming for attention: Notice me. Tell me I’m pretty. See how hot I am. I know all the guys want me. All the girls want to be me.<br /> <br /> You probably know girls who will emulate this behavior at the next school dance. Don’t do it with them. You are far too valuable to sell yourself so cheaply. Walk away. Let the boys gawk and know in your heart that they see only a body that can be used for their pleasure and then forgotten.<br /> <br /> I’m sorry if you’ve ever felt sad because I haven’t gushed over everything you’ve done. My role is to praise when praise is due, but also to offer constructive criticism and correction when it is needed as well. I’m sorry if you’ve ever felt demoralized because your Instagram following isn’t in the thousands, and I’m sorry those 'selfies' can never capture how amazingly beautiful you truly are. I’m sorry if you’ve ever wished you had a friend instead of a mom, and I promise you that I will probably get worse when you hit high school.<br /> <br /> Dear daughter, I am going to fight or die trying to keep you from becoming like the Miley Cyruses of the world.<br /> <br /> You can thank me later."</span></blockquote>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/miley.jpg" alt="" width="420" height="420" /></p>Staff2013-09-01T19:25:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-274297608017150292.html2013-08-30T12:59:00Z2013-08-30T12:59:00Z<p> </p>
<p><em>I believe in the dignity of labor, whether with head or hand; that the world owes no man a living, but that it owes every man an opportunity to make a living.</em><br /><br />John D. Rockefeller<br />American industrialist and philanthropist<br />1839 – 1937</p>
<p>Have a happy Labor Day weekend!</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/labor_blog.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2013-08-30T12:59:00ZHow Can I Make Them (or Myself) Change?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-Can-I-Make-Them-or-Myself-Change/-910959934065068157.html2013-08-29T21:41:00Z2013-08-29T21:41:00Z<br />The type of call I'm least fond of on my show is "How do I change my sister-mother-cousin-uncle-father-friend-husband-wife-kid?" <em>People don't change because YOU want them to. They may not even change if THEY want to</em>. <br /><br />People need <a href="http://outsmartyourbrain.com/2011/05/14/so-you-want-someone-to-change%E2%80%A6/" target="_blank">three things</a> in order to change (and you'll notice that your name is NOT among them): <br /><br /><strong>1. <em>Willingness </em></strong><br /><strong>2. <em>Desire </em></strong><br /><strong>3. <em>Courage</em></strong><br /><br />Let's break them down...<br /><br /><em><strong>Willingness </strong></em><br /><br />A change that somebody else requests only gets made about 0.0001 percent of the time. <em>It usually takes a crisis or a really bad situation</em> before someone willingly accepts that they need to change. <em>They spend their energy rationalizing, justifying, making excuses, and explaining why they don't have to</em>. In order to change, they have to be willing to make mistakes, look and feel stupid, be scared, and admit to others that they need to change. <br /><br /><em><strong>Desire </strong></em><br /><br />Desire is different from willingness. It's the logical need to initiate the change. Desire is saying, "I really need to make this change because if I don't, I'll lose my marriage/health/life or limb." The kinds of payoffs that inspire change are things the person values a lot. Without their heart really being in it, they are never going to change. <br /><br /><em><strong>Courage </strong></em><br /><br />Courage is the most important of all the factors, and it's the area where most people fail. They may have the intellectual notion that they should do something better with their lives to be happier or more successful, but that's not enough. True change requires guts. <br /><br />When I first started on radio 30-plus years ago, I was so concerned with how smart I was going to sound that I had trouble tapping into what callers were saying and getting inside their heads. However, one day I just said to myself, "Look, it doesn't matter how you sound. You're supposed to be there to help people, and if you come across as stupid for one call or several calls, so be it." It was at that point that I really started to be able to hear what callers were saying. I could open up with them because I had gotten myself out of the way. <br /><br />If you allow yourself to get in the way, keep obsessing over how you sound or look, or continuously worry about who is going to approve, you can't do what you are meant to be doing. I like to think that we are all meant to do something on this earth. However, so many of you don't do what you may desire to try because you can't stand the interim period of looking stupid to someone else. But sometimes you have to look like an idiot today in order to be better tomorrow. <br /><br /><em>When you're faced with a conflict or the possibility of looking stupid, you lose your good intentions and the gumption to sustain a change</em>. This is why you have to be able to speak the truth and accept that you're not perfect. One thing I think everyone should do is get up in the morning and say the Serenity Prayer:
<blockquote>God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,<br />The courage to change the things I can,<br />And wisdom to know the difference.</blockquote>
Knowing what you can and cannot change is probably the most important piece of information you can get into your head at the beginning of the day. If you say it out loud, it will have a lot less power over you. <br /><br />Finally, you can't beat yourself up when you try and things don't go perfectly. There's a difference between healthy and unhealthy perfectionism. Healthy perfectionism means that you use your drive to learn and challenge yourself. It is unhealthy to beat yourself up when you make mistakes - that's something ALL humans do. Otherwise, your life will be a total retreat. <br /><br />Have you ever shot pool, played golf, or done any other type of sport where you have to control a part of your body to move something else? No matter how much training you've had, when you're stressed, nervous, scared or challenged, you tend to revert back to old familiar habits. This happens to me when I play tennis. When I'm feeling stressed or pressured, I tend to bring my elbow in and do a chop shot. The way I recover is by saying in my brain, "It doesn't matter if you miss the ball. What matters is that you continue to do the right swing, and eventually, you'll be hitting all the balls correctly." This may seem like a silly example, but the same mindset applies to all aspects of your life. <br />Staff2013-08-29T21:41:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-67290667949983978.html2013-08-28T07:00:00Z2013-08-28T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/082613_life_and_death_secrets_600.jpg" alt="Secrets that are a matter of life and death should never be kept." width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-08-28T07:00:00ZVideo: California Southern University Commencement Speech for Psychology GraduatesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-California-Southern-University-Commencement-Speech-for-Psychology-Graduates/262669866309797406.html2013-08-27T23:08:00Z2013-08-27T23:08:00Z<p>I have some advice for the psychology graduates at California Southern University so they can make great use of the wonderful education they received. Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" height="349" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/cAoTuyerQrU"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-08-27T23:08:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-898527839646767580.html2013-08-23T14:18:00Z2013-08-23T14:18:00Z<p> </p>
<p><em>To get something done a committee should consist of no more than three people, two of whom are absent.</em></p>
<p>- Robert Copeland</p>
<p> </p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/committee_blog.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2013-08-23T14:18:00ZShould You Give Your Kid an Allowance?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Should-You-Give-Your-Kid-an-Allowance/-753789354050201075.html2013-08-22T23:23:00Z2013-08-22T23:23:00Z<br />A question I get asked frequently by parents who call my show is, "Should I give my child an allowance, and if so, how much should I give them?" Here are my thoughts...<br /><br />According to one <a href="http://business.time.com/2013/03/26/expert-paying-kids-allowance-is-cruelty/#ixzz2QeTPLWUM" target="_blank">study</a>, the top reason parents give their children a weekly allowance is to minimize the time they have to deal with them. "Here's some money, now leave me alone" is about as far as most of the so-called teaching goes. <br /><br />However, allowances are important because they teach kids at a young age the very valuable lesson that you must <strong>earn the things you have</strong>. The more your kids learn a sense of earning, the more they will respect money, the more they will respect themselves for earning it, and the more control they will have over their lives in the future. <br /><br />Giving your child an allowance also <strong>teaches them about budgeting</strong>. Kids who aren't brought up with a sense of saving tend not to do well in their 20s. <br /><br />I think a basic allowance should be based on your child's age. If they're 8 years old, they should get $8; if they're 15, they get $15, etc. Now, what can your child do with $15? Not a whole lot, but it's the beginning of teaching them something about money and controlling impulses.<br /><br />An alternative is to give older teens (15 or 16) a couple hundred dollars a month, and out of that they have to pay for everything: school lunches, their cell phone bill, any clothes they want, etc. If they want something bigger than that, they will have to go out and earn money and/or do more chores.<br /><br />What about <strong>using money as a disciplinary tool?</strong> My thought is that when you take something away from a child, he or she has to earn it back. Just taking away their cell phone, for example, doesn't really get through to them because they know they're eventually going to get it back. <br /><br />However, if they have to earn it back, it completely changes the way they look at it. If they're late paying their phone bill, the service gets cut off. They really need to learn how to keep up with taking care of their responsibilities. Sit down with your child and say, "These are the things that are gone, and this is how you have to earn them back" (e.g. good behavior, good deeds, mowing the lawn, etc.). <br /><br />When talking to kids about allowances, you should mostly <strong>discuss impulse control</strong>. And that's where you as the parent come in as a role model. Do <em>you</em> have impulse control, or do you just irresponsibly spend? <br /><br />Every moment is a moment to teach your child. Don't miss out! <br /><br /><br />Staff2013-08-22T23:23:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/140972489305417154.html2013-08-21T07:00:00Z2013-08-21T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/081913_the_three_as_600.jpg" alt="The three A's that justify divorce are: adultery, abuse, and addiction" width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-08-21T07:00:00ZVideo: Sacrificing Myself for My ParentStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Sacrificing-Myself-for-My-Parent/7271539080108984.html2013-08-20T19:39:00Z2013-08-20T19:39:00Z<p>How much should a child sacrifice for a parent who doesn't take responsibility for their health and social life? Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" height="349" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/8eB75piaboM"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-08-20T19:39:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/7305417192824805.html2013-08-16T06:59:00Z2013-08-16T06:59:00Z<p><br />Thomas Jefferson<br />3<sup>rd</sup> President of the United States<br />1743-1826</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/never_spend_your_money_blog.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2013-08-16T06:59:00ZChatting or Cheating?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Chatting-or-Cheating/-938032305359855527.html2013-08-15T16:00:00Z2013-08-15T16:00:00Z<p>In the day, it was very clear what constituted cheating. You had sex with somebody while you were married or engaged, and you also had to make great efforts to have an affair. But with all the new means by which people can connect today, cheating has become a whole new monster. There's texting, Skyping and emailing. There are websites that cater to people who wish to fool around on their spouses. And along with these advances in technology, what counts as "cheating" seems to have become less cut and dry (i.e. it's no longer just the physical act of having sex with someone else). </p>
However, I can simplify things for you. Ready?<br /><br />If you have to hide or sneak around to do what you're doing, or you wouldn't say or do it in front of your children or spouse, it's cheating. Simple as that. <br /><br /><a href="http://www.livescience.com/15015-flirting-cheating-red-flags.html" target="_blank">Here are some red flags</a> that your friendly correspondence with someone of the opposite sex is really cheater chatter: <br /><br /><strong><em>Deleting emails</em></strong><br /><br />If you're deleting emails, then you're assuming that your spouse would be upset if they were to read them. Therefore, you are covering something up. Ask yourself, "How would I feel if I knew my spouse was corresponding with an attractive secret someone in the way I am doing right now." <br /><br /><strong><em>Fulfilling a sexual fantasy</em></strong><br /><br />Affairs are often about playing out sexual fantasies. If you notice that your correspondence is feeding your fantasies, you're doing something wrong. <br /><br /><strong><em>Amount of time spent talking with him/her</em></strong><br /><br />It's not just the content that can be considered cheating, it's the amount of time spent sharing it. For example, if you are emailing a "friend" 15 plus times a day, I'm sorry, that's an affair.<br /><br /><em><strong>Rationalizing </strong></em><br /><br />"He's/She's just a friend" is something you don't have to say to yourself when you're involved in an innocent communication. Do you feel the need to justify it? Well, that's because you know what you're doing is wrong. <br /><br /><strong><em>It's meeting your personal needs</em></strong><br /><br />Your marriage is for meeting your personal needs, and that's where they should be dealt with. <br /><br /><em><strong>Talking about your marriage with him/her</strong></em><br /><br />Talking about your marriage with someone of the opposite sex is a breach of trust and disrespectful. <br /><br /><strong><em>Your spouse doesn't like it, or your good friend tells you it's not right. </em></strong><br /><br />If your spouse has told you they don't like it and they do it anyway, it's an affair. It's not right to be more concerned about connecting with this person than with your spouse's feelings. <br /><br />So again, if you wouldn't say or do it in front of your spouse or kids, you're cheating. And even if your spouse is being a pain in the butt, there are healthier ways to increase your self-esteem than breaching your vows.Staff2013-08-15T16:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-877182582226549072.html2013-08-14T07:00:00Z2013-08-14T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/081213_go_do_the_right_thing_600.jpg" alt="Go do the right thing." width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-08-14T07:00:00ZVideo: I'm InfertileStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Im-Infertile/-654853381362548505.html2013-08-13T15:47:00Z2013-08-13T15:47:00Z<p>You love kids, but you cannot have any. There are other ways to be a mom without having to give birth. Watch:</p>
<p><iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/oQHU1wkTr_E" frameborder="0" height="349" width="560"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-08-13T15:47:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-305451992071315442.html2013-08-09T15:19:00Z2013-08-09T15:19:00Z<p><em> </em></p>
<p><em>Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway.</em><br /><br /><br />John Wayne<br />American film actor<br />1907 - 1979</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/john_wayne_blog.jpg" alt="" width="552" height="350" /></p>Staff2013-08-09T15:19:00ZTop 10 Reasons the Steam in a Marriage CoolsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Top-10-Reasons-the-Steam-in-a-Marriage-Cools/-539023587262768166.html2013-08-08T20:04:00Z2013-08-08T20:04:00Z<p> </p>
<p>What are some of the most <a href="http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-things-that-suck-the-sex-out-of-marriage_10.html" target="_blank">common things</a> that suck intimacy out of a marriage? Let’s take a look at a few:</p>
<p><strong><em>1. You’re out of the habit </em></strong></p>
<p>What you don’t keep doing, you feel less comfortable doing. For example, suppose you need to send someone a thank-you card. You keep meaning to write it, but you don’t get around to it. The longer you allow time to pass, the more uncomfortable it is when you eventually do follow through. It’s the same thing with sex. The longer you put it off, the weirder and less comfortable it seems, and therefore, the less likely you are to do it. Habit is everything.</p>
<p><strong><em>2. Erectile dysfunction</em></strong></p>
<p><em>Almost half of men over 40 have problems getting it up and keeping it up. However, before just popping a Viagra, guys should:</em></p>
<ul>
<li><em>Try exercising, eating healthier, and not drinking or smoking. </em></li>
<li>Find out if any of their meds for aches and pains are getting in the way. </li>
<li>Stop exhausting themselves at the office (and having nothing else to give when they come home). </li>
<li>Make suggestions to their wives about how to assist them (as guys get older, the thought of sex alone may not be enough). </li>
</ul>
<p><strong><em>3. Menopause </em></strong></p>
<p><em>Over 60 percent of divorces are initiated by women in their menopausal years. Menopause is like a reverse-puberty hormonal hell</em>, except this time<em> </em>you’re checking out rather than checking in. One thing that happens to many women when they go through menopause is they gain weight; not specifically because of the hormones, but because they get lazy. They become sedentary and don’t eat well, which restricts circulation (i.e. less blood flow “down there”). If your circulation is compromised, it’s like a hose with a kink in it, and it becomes more difficult to get aroused.</p>
<p><strong><em>4. Lost looks</em></strong></p>
<p>This is a biggie. <em>Forty-three percent of married people claim that their spouse isn’t attractive anymore.</em> This usually means their spouse has let themselves go. So much of a relationship comes from your commitment to your own health and well-being, both mentally and physically. If you’re not treating yourself well, you’re not treating the relationship well. Being fit not only makes you feel better, but it also shows that you give a damn.</p>
<p><strong><em>5. Sexual differences</em></strong><em> </em></p>
<p><em>Men are over five times more likely than women (45 percent versus 8 percent) to think about sex at least once a day. </em>If you and your spouse aren’t reasonably matched or cooperative, it leads to <em>blame, resentment, anger, and disrespectful speech. Gender-based differences in desire are biologically built in to any heterosexual union, which is sad, but a reality.</em></p>
<p><strong><em>6. Infidelity </em></strong></p>
<p>Infidelity shatters trust and withers intimacy. Infidelity is a result of one of two things: 1) the cheater is simply a bad person (sorry, there is no such thing as “sex addiction”), or 2) their spouse wasn’t paying attention to them so they went elsewhere to be fed. In either case, infidelity cuts into sex drive (primarily for the person who was cheated on).</p>
<p><strong><em>7. Parenthood</em></strong></p>
<p><em>A third of women say they experience no sexual pleasure whatsoever for the entire first year after giving birth as a result of messed up hormones, exhaustion, and stress.</em> However, even though we may not feel incredibly horny, we can still cuddle, play, and do things that bring pleasure to our day and alleviate some of the stress and exhaustion. There’s something rejuvenating about cuddling, touching, hugging, and kissing.</p>
<p><strong><em>8. Pregnancy </em></strong></p>
<p><em>Women's sexual pleasure may drop by as much as 39 percent during the third trimester (when the kid’s ready to pop) due to body-image issues, financial issues, impending role shifts, and/or hormonal-based changes.</em> Many spouses don’t understand this and get mad at each other. As I said earlier, if you cuddle, caress, and snuggle more, you’ll be less frustrated, miserable, and depressed.</p>
<p><strong><em>9. No time</em></strong></p>
<p><em>Eighty percent of married couples blame their declining sex lives on being "too busy". </em>Whoever thought<em> </em>when you were younger that you'd be too busy to get it on<em>? </em>If you're not prioritizing sex, you’d better. Men need to organize their lives less around success and career,<em> </em>and<em> </em>women need to schedule less around children and extended family. Spouses should come together at the end of the day to eat, play, take a bath, hug, caress, snuggle, sip a little wine, and get it on.</p>
<p><strong><em>10. Not in the mood</em></strong></p>
<p>It’s normal for one of you not to be in the <a href="http://www.foxnews.com/health/2013/03/25/4-myths-about-healthy-sex/" target="_blank">mood</a>. So what? Put on a sexy video, don some sexy clothes or perfume, and/or behave and talk in a sexy way. The<em> </em>best sex is not always spontaneous like in the movies when all of a sudden everyone’s clothes come off and they’re humping against a wall. You can schedule sex – there’s nothing un-romantic about that. Say cutely to each other, “Tonight at 9 when the kids are in bed, I’ll meet you in the shower/tub/bedroom.” It doesn’t matter how many times you do it, it just matters that you put in the energy and thought.</p>
<p>My final piece of advice: Think quickies. You can have a lot of fun with quickies.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/couple_in_bed_blog.jpg" alt="" width="425" height="357" /></p>Staff2013-08-08T20:04:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/553928363891815169.html2013-08-07T06:59:00Z2013-08-07T06:59:00Z<img src="/images/blog/080513_owe_no_fidelity_600.jpg" alt="You owe no fidelity to a shack-up. That's why people do it - they want the benefits without the commitment." width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-08-07T06:59:00ZVideo: My Rude and Immature RelativeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-My-Rude-and-Immature-Relative/-67439668149661338.html2013-08-06T15:38:00Z2013-08-06T15:38:00Z<p>How do you handle a relative who is obnoxious, hurtful and just plain vulgar? In my opinion, saying something classy or witty isn't going to make a difference, but... Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" height="349" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/sM8R8OxwNls"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-08-06T15:38:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-792023110203077557.html2013-08-02T13:40:00Z2013-08-02T13:40:00Z<p><em><br /></em></p>
<p><em>It takes less time to do a thing right than it does to explain why you did it wrong.</em><br /><br />Henry Wadsworth Longfellow<br />American poet<br />1802 - 1882</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: NaNpx; margin-right: NaNpx;" src="/images/blog/boy_forgiveness_blog.jpg" alt="" width="508" height="337" /></p>Staff2013-08-02T13:40:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/124155388058782372.html2013-07-31T07:00:00Z2013-07-31T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/072913_dont_have_kids_600.jpg" alt="Don't have kids if you aren't going to raise them." width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-07-31T07:00:00ZVideo: I'm Tired of InitiatingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Im-Tired-of-Initiating/10102724183090687.html2013-07-30T19:11:00Z2013-07-30T19:11:00Z<p>When it comes to family and friends getting together, does it seem like you are always the one initiating it? Well, that might not be such a bad thing... Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" height="349" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/-SNeK4Q5UHc"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-07-30T19:11:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-100833050027194093.html2013-07-26T07:00:00Z2013-07-26T07:00:00Z<p><em><br />Never look back unless you are planning to go that way.</em></p>
<p><br />Henry David Thoreau<br />American author, naturalist and philosopher<br />1817 -1862</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/forest_path_blog.jpg" alt="" width="508" height="337" /></p>Staff2013-07-26T07:00:00ZMy Toddler Won't ShareStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/My-Toddler-Wont-Share/385520626042937831.html2013-07-25T20:14:00Z2013-07-25T20:14:00Z<p><br />If you're embarrassed, angry, or frustrated about your toddler not sharing, I'll let you in on a little secret: <br /><br />Little kids don't share! <br /><br />When human children are born, they are virtually helpless and their brains are barely ready to do anything. Newborns can't talk, knit, type or use an iPhone. They can't even roll over. Their brains continue to develop after they are born, which is why one day they can pick their nose, but the day before they couldn't (all the synapses for nose picking got completed). For the first six or seven years of a child's development, their brain is furiously trying to make connections so they can do all the things humans do. <br /><br />So, when you parents get crazed and demented about your 2- and 3-year-olds not sharing, you're the one with the problem, not them. Kids at that age play parallel. They don't have impulse control, they're very territorial, they want what they want, and they don't play well with each other. Those developmental stages take time. Kids don't share until they are about 7 because their brains are not yet wired for it. <br /><br />I've heard parents contest, "Well, what we do is sit with our 1 1/2-year-old, and when they hand something back to us, we say, 'Yay, that was so nice!', and smile and make it a big deal." But that is not sharing. If another kid comes into the room and takes that same thing, it's blood in the water. You can tell your toddler all you want how nice sharing is, but given a chance to split something equally, they won't. <br /><br />So what should you do when other kids come over? Put out a ton of toys. Stop screaming, threatening, spanking, and going crazy because you're embarrassed that your 12-month-old is not acting like they're 12. Wait until they are 7. By then, they will have the pre-frontal lobe development and maturation necessary to actually share. If after the age of 7 your kid is a little brat that never wants to share, that's a different issue, but until then, get off their case and relax. </p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/babies_in_tub_blog.jpg" alt="" width="507" height="338" /></p>Staff2013-07-25T20:14:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-985900426293377821.html2013-07-24T15:41:00Z2013-07-24T15:41:00Z<img src="/images/blog/072213_we_are_what_we_do_600.jpg" alt="We are what we do." width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-07-24T15:41:00ZVideo: Dying With the Wind in My HairStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Dying-With-the-Wind-in-My-Hair/-52346995151846758.html2013-07-23T17:17:00Z2013-07-23T17:17:00Z<p>After you turn 18, are you obligated to live your life "safely" for your parents' sake? Find out what I think by watching this week's video:</p>
<p><iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/j6V2hkDhmo0" frameborder="0" height="349" width="560"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-07-23T17:17:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-414081088678509034.html2013-07-19T13:01:00Z2013-07-19T13:01:00Z<p><em><br /></em></p>
<p><em>Hot July brings cooling showers,</em><br /><em>Apricots and gillyflowers</em><br /><br /><br />Sara Coleridge<br />1802-1852<br />English author<br />From <em>Pretty Lessons in Verse</em></p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/flower_pink_raindrop_blog.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="342" /></p>Staff2013-07-19T13:01:00ZIs an Office Romance a Good Idea?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Is-an-Office-Romance-a-Good-Idea/-973527090616993734.html2013-07-18T18:51:00Z2013-07-18T18:51:00Z<p><br /><br />About 75 percent of office romances don't survive. However, a small percentage do. Here are the pros and cons of <a href="http://www.citynetmagazine.com/dating/coworkers-office-romances.html" target="_blank">dating a coworker</a>:</p>
<p><strong>Pros:</strong></p>
<ul>
<li><strong>If you've had a hard day, he or she will get it</strong> because you work at the same place. <em> </em></li>
<li><strong>You get to see them</strong> – a lot. It's very sweet to see each other at the water cooler and touch fingers. (Although, I'm not entirely sure this should be on the "pros" list because couples do need breaks from each other. However, it's a pro in the beginning of a relationship when you feel like you need to be in each other's pockets all day). <em> </em></li>
<li><strong>You get to learn a lot about them in different circumstances</strong> with colleagues, pressure, etc. <em></em></li>
<li><strong>You have one more thing in common </strong>because you're both experiencing the same work environment. <em></em></li>
<li><strong>If you or your boyfriend or girlfriend are having some troubles at work, you can give each other advice</strong><em> </em>because you both know the atmosphere.<em> </em></li>
</ul>
<p>That being said, office romances require two incredibly mature people, and the odds of two incredibly mature people being in the same place at the same time is not great. So let's move on to the cons.</p>
<p><strong>Cons:</strong></p>
<ul>
<li><strong>Gossip:</strong><em> </em>You think it was tough in high school? Everybody is going to notice. You're going to become part of a scenario of guilt, discomfort, and sibling rivalry. And, most importantly, the soap opera will distract you from what you're there to do – work! <em></em></li>
<li><strong>Whenever you fight, going to work won't be a haven.</strong><em> </em>Instead, it will be yet another place to be aggravated (but you still have to act civilly – good luck!)<em></em></li>
<li><strong>Envy</strong>. If you're dating a superior, be prepared for office envy.<em> </em>Other people are going to have a hard time with it because they will assume that you have perks they don't, and that's not good for business. <em></em></li>
<li><strong>You see them all the time.</strong> The flipside of seeing each other all the time is that you're seeing each other <em>ALL</em><em> </em>the time, which can create its own stresses.<em></em></li>
<li><strong>If the relationship goes south, you'll still be in close proximity to each other</strong>, which may be uncomfortable. <em></em></li>
</ul>
<br /> As I said before, office romances only make it about 25 percent of the time, so statistically, you are taking a big risk. In my case, it did work. My husband and I both taught at a major university, and we fell into the small percentage that makes it happen. However, I still wouldn't recommend it because we were in the minority. Frankly, I would go elsewhere if I were you.
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/office_romance_blog.jpg" alt="" width="337" height="507" /></p>Staff2013-07-18T18:51:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-558024391360578388.html2013-07-17T07:00:00Z2013-07-17T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/071513_when_people_talk_about_you_600.jpg" alt="When people talk about you behind your back, keep looking forward." width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-07-17T07:00:00ZVideo: Our 10-Year-Old Son Is ImmatureStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Our-10-Year-Old-Son-Is-Immature/37755010538589023.html2013-07-16T16:48:00Z2013-07-16T16:48:00Z<p>How can a parent help their son become more mature, outgoing and responsible? I'm thinking this may be a parenting issue instead... Watch:</p>
<p><iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/j7H2qWZSAYs" frameborder="0" height="349" width="560"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-07-16T16:48:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/423284401022739247.html2013-07-12T07:00:00Z2013-07-12T07:00:00Z<p><em><br /></em></p>
<p><em>Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.</em></p>
<p>Jim Fiebig<br />American businessman</p>
<p>July is National Ice Cream Month!</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/ice_cream_cone_dropped.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2013-07-12T07:00:00ZGetting More Done - The Dr. Laura WayStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Getting-More-Done---The-Dr.-Laura-Way/-599529173403704100.html2013-07-11T16:00:00Z2013-07-11T16:00:00Z<p>How do I get so much done? It's simple:</p>
<ol>
<li><strong>I'm very disciplined. </strong> I make a plan, and I keep to the plan. </li>
<li><strong>I'm not easily distracted.</strong> </li>
<li><strong>I follow through. </strong></li>
<li><strong>I don't put wasteful or unnecessary things on the plan.</strong></li>
<li><strong>I DON'T multitask.</strong> When you multitask, you think you're doing two things at once, but in fact, you're not. Your performance of each task actually suffers by shifting back and forth because your brain doesn't work that way. If you only did one task to completion and then the other task to completion at a separate time, you'd be amazed at how much more complete the completions were.</li>
</ol>
<p>Most importantly, <strong>I have a routine.</strong> Most people just have chaos. In order to get more done, you need to make a habit of sticking to habit. For example, write emails or hit the gym at the same time every day. Whatever things you want to do or responsibilities you have, do them on a certain day at a certain time. <br /><br />Here are some more time management techniques:</p>
<ol>
<li><strong>Get up earlier.</strong> There will be fewer distractions. </li>
<li><strong>Always get the crummiest task out of the way first.</strong> When you have a bunch of things to do on a particular day, choose the task you are least looking forward to doing and do it first. </li>
<li><strong>Don't confuse being busy with being effective.</strong></li>
<li><strong>Don't think you have to be perfect at everything.</strong></li>
<li><strong>Appreciate what you have done by your standards, not by how someone else measures it. </strong></li>
<li><strong>Turn off your phone and social media </strong>when you're trying to get something done. </li>
<li><strong>Take breaks. </strong>Sometime in the middle of the day, you should definitely take a break. I am totally against people not having lunch. It's a time to relax and get some nutrition. </li>
<li><strong>Eat well and get plenty of rest. </strong></li>
<li><strong>Have moments of nothing. </strong> Sometimes after a stressful day on the air, I just grab the dogs and take a walk. </li>
<li><strong>Learn to say "no".</strong></li>
<li><strong>Reward yourself</strong> in a way that's not destructive (like eating 20 lbs of chocolate).</li>
</ol>
<p>Time management is all about making appropriate choices, eliminating distractions, keeping yourself healthy, fit, and focused, and learning when to take breaks. As many things as I can do in a week, I make damned sure that if I'm feeling frazzled or tired, I stop. I know anything I do when I'm frazzled or tired is not going to be done that well anyway, and I'm only going to be more frustrated.</p>Staff2013-07-11T16:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-132988356715462060.html2013-07-10T07:00:00Z2013-07-10T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/070813_dont_expect_motivation_600.jpg" alt="Don't expect motivation to fall from the sky." width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-07-10T07:00:00ZVideo: I Want a MommyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-I-Want-a-Mommy/958158371881219465.html2013-07-09T07:00:00Z2013-07-09T07:00:00Z<p>How can you forgive a parent for their many wrongdoings? Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/NlKnibD0OAs" height="349"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-07-09T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-902414878147703794.html2013-07-04T07:00:00Z2013-07-04T07:00:00Z<p><em><br /></em></p>
<p>We must all hang together, or assuredly, we shall all hang separately.<br /><br /><br />Benjamin Franklin<br /><em>At the signing of the Declaration of Independence<br /></em><em>July 4, 1776</em></p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: NaNpx; margin-right: NaNpx;" src="/images/blog/founding_fathers.jpg" alt="" width="558" height="371" /></p>Staff2013-07-04T07:00:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/344762043200638104.html2013-07-03T07:00:00Z2013-07-03T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/070113_when_you_dont_feel_loving_600.jpg" alt="When you don't feel loving, you should still be loving." width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-07-03T07:00:00ZVideo: My Boy Wants to Sleep at a Friend'sStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-My-Boy-Wants-to-Sleep-at-a-Friends/-328953898177539299.html2013-07-02T07:00:00Z2013-07-02T07:00:00Z<p>Are you being overprotective by not letting your child sleep over at a friend's house? I've got a response to that question as well as some parenting advice on this subject. Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/QU2slmnOFoQ" height="349"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-07-02T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-426713011573051235.html2013-06-28T13:27:00Z2013-06-28T13:27:00Z<p><em><br /></em></p>
<p>Spectacular achievement is always preceded by unspectacular preparation.<br /><br /><br />Robert Schuller<br />1926 -<br />Retired American televangelist</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/castle_neuschwanstein.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2013-06-28T13:27:00ZHelping Your Child Face Their FearsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Helping-Your-Child-Face-Their-Fears/646497626618752576.html2013-06-27T20:35:00Z2013-06-27T20:35:00Z<p><br />I had a patient a long time ago who was extraordinarily emotionally unbalanced. She came from the wackiest family you could ever imagine and she had been on many different drugs. I remember asking her what she took. "Whatever's available," she said. I was surprised she wasn't dead. However, she was a remarkable person, and as time went on, she got better and better. She ended up becoming a professional in the medical industry and was very good at her job.</p>
<p>One day in a session, she became terribly upset and started storming around my office. She pointed to my diplomas and other things hanging on the walls, shouting about how I'd accomplished so much more than her even though we were the same age. I simply said, "We can't compare ourselves. I had to walk across a field - you had to dig yourself out of a hole. If I had to crawl out of the hole you did, I don't know where I'd be." </p>
<p>Some people have to overcome a lot inside of them to get from point A to point B. Others slide from point A to point B with very little road rash. Some of you are scared to death of going to a party whereas others walk in with a bottle of wine and say, "Where's the food?" <br /> <br />Part of anxiety is genetic and some of it is learned. Many parents are so concerned about their kids never feeling hurt, embarrassed or uncomfortable that when they have to face something on their own in the world, they can't cope. Kids have to learn that life is sometimes disappointing and that just when three good things happen, one bad thing can come and hit you in the mouth. </p>
<p>So when your child is afraid, how can you help them face their fears?</p>
<p>Believe it or not, the most powerful tool for helping a child overcome their anxiety is simple: <em>talking!</em> When something is in your head, it's like a malformed monster. It doesn't have dimensions or clarity - it's just fear with scariness attached to it. But when you describe the fear out loud, you turn the dimensionless feeling into something tangible. It's now a thing you can put in front of you and look at, and it loses power. When it's inside, it's all-powerful, but on the outside, we have power against it. </p>
<p>The more articulate a child is about their fears, the better they will handle being shy and fearful. That's why talking is so important. You can make it a game. Ask your child, "If what you are afraid of were an animal, what kind of animal would it be? If it were a thing, what kind of thing would it be? What color would it be?" They will not only have fun trying to describe their fear with colors, textures, sizes, and sounds, but they will feel a sense of power and control over what it is and what it means to them. They can now see it, hit it, push it, pinch it, and put it in a box.</p>
<p>Let's say, for example, that your child is afraid of a monster in their closet or under their bed. Ask them what the monster looks like, how big it is, and how much it weighs. Have them define it in three dimensions. Then say, "How do you think we could take care of this? OK, here's what we're going to do. I have this special blanket, and if I capture this creature with the blanket and put it in the trash, it can't get out." Do this and your kid will go right to sleep.</p>
<p>At any age, it's incredibly impressive when someone is afraid to do something but does it anyway. So parents, if you take away anything from this blog, it should be this: When your child is afraid of doing something but does it anyway, support them out their ears.</p>
<p><em><strong>*A Not-So-Fun-Factoid: </strong></em>What is the biggest fear for kids? Their parents getting divorced! On average, kids will tell you that they would rather a parent be dead than divorced. If their parent is dead, they don't feel left behind on purpose or see their parents fighting or establishing new families with new kids. With a divorce, the gates of hell are opened permanently and the torture never ends. The number one thing kids call about on my program is, "My parents are divorced and I don't see my mom or dad."<br /><br /><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/scared_kid_blog.jpg" alt="" width="507" height="337" /></p>Staff2013-06-27T20:35:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-183702158951093617.html2013-06-26T07:00:00Z2013-06-26T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/062413_be_the_kind_of_person_600.jpg" alt="Be the kind of person you'd like to come home to every day." width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-06-26T07:00:00ZVideo: Responding to the Flavor-of-the-Month BimboStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Responding-to-the-Flavor-of-the-Month-Bimbo/-365960105822074751.html2013-06-25T18:51:00Z2013-06-25T18:51:00Z<p>When someone you know has a revolving door on their love-life with short-term "girlfriends," how should you respond to the bimbos' attempts at conversation? Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/G7lq8WVo6Ng" height="349"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-06-25T18:51:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/568721229025524300.html2013-06-21T13:42:00Z2013-06-21T13:42:00Z<p><em><br /></em></p>
<p><em>Roll out those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer</em><br /><em>You'll wish that summer could always be here.</em></p>
<p>Song written by Hans Carste and Hans Bradtke<br />Popularized by Nat King Cole in 1963</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/beach_starfish.jpg" alt="" width="414" height="414" /></p>Staff2013-06-21T13:42:00ZHow to Shelf the Selfishness in Your MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Shelf-the-Selfishness-in-Your-Marriage/-526637899439032091.html2013-06-20T20:09:00Z2013-06-20T20:09:00Z<p><br />Everyone is selfish when they get married. In the beginning, it's all about "<em>I'm</em> in love," "<em>I'm</em> getting married," "Something wonderful is happening to <em>me</em>," and "I love the way this person makes <em>me</em> feel." And although this <em>me</em>-centered narcissism is normal, if you fail to transition out of it, your marriage is sure to fail within three to seven years, especially if you have kids.</p>
<p>I can't tell you how many callers I get on my program wanting to know, "How can I make my spouse ______?" The blank could be "do chores the way I want," "spend less money," or "change their attitude." However, the bottom line is you can't <em>make</em> anyone do anything. That's why I say to choose wisely before you get married in the first place. If you're the only one in the relationship ever being selfless, you've made a mistake.</p>
<p>Marriage is about giving more than you have to, not constantly wanting more. Your spouse is not your slave or fairy godmother. It's not always about <em>your</em> needs, <em>your</em> hurts, <em>your </em>feelings, <em>your </em>time, and <em>your</em> schedule. Marriage takes compromise and a willingness to lose fights and arguments. It's the acts of sacrifice sprinkled throughout a marriage that make love deep. </p>
<p>The best time to put yourself out for your spouse is when he or she is not at their best. Have you ever been in a pissy mood and someone acted sweetly? I bet you snapped out of it almost instantly. Listen to your spouse, hug them, give them a back rub or a gift, or plop them in the tub with you. Do whatever it takes despite how you feel. Selflessness costs you something, but it protects the relationship.</p>
<p>Your job when you get married is not to sit there with a scorecard of all the things you're getting. It's to throw away all scorecards and figure out each day how you can make your spouse feel happy that they're alive and married to you. </p>
<p>For further discussion of this topic, read my book, <em><a href="/pg/jsp/community/bookdetail.jsp?detID=-915817124771335241">The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage</a></em>.</p>
<p><br /><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/couple_selfess_blog_fb.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2013-06-20T20:09:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/162189609258791835.html2013-06-19T07:00:00Z2013-06-19T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/blog/061713_dont_let_someone_elses_behavior_600.jpg" alt="Don't let someone else's behavior dictate your character." width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-06-19T07:00:00ZVideo: Staying Positive in Times of IllnessStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Staying-Positive-in-Times-of-Illness/149223144927180446.html2013-06-18T17:31:00Z2013-06-18T17:31:00Z<p>When illness strikes someone, family and friends visit to give comfort, usually sharing their own illness miseries. But instead of cheering you up, their woes only increase your stress. I have some advice on how you can stop them from telling those depressing stories. Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/3yH67SYNlcE" height="349"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-06-18T17:31:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/242171302367288178.html2013-06-14T13:36:00Z2013-06-14T13:36:00Z<p><em><br /></em></p>
<p><em>The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.</em></p>
<p>Rev. Theodore M. Hesburgh<br />President Emeritus, University of Notre Dame<br />1917 -</p>
<p>Happy Father's Day this Sunday, June 16!</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/dad_mom_vintage.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2013-06-14T13:36:00ZBe Their Parent, Not Their FriendStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Be-Their-Parent,-Not-Their-Friend/-139447646971974763.html2013-06-13T19:42:00Z2013-06-13T19:42:00Z<p><br />Even the best parents in the world can produce crappy kids. On the flip side, some of the worst parents can produce really wonderful, functioning kids. That's the reality. However, it's also the exception. Just because it happens doesn't give you license to be a crappy parent.</p>
<p>My basic definition of a crappy parent is someone who doesn't have parenting on their agenda. Parents today are, by and large, self-absorbed. There's very little focus on discipline, integrity, boundaries, fairness, and honesty, much less spirituality. That's because they're busy with others things that are more important to them than parenting. </p>
<p>One in four parents <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1251555/Parents-avoid-telling-children-fear-upsetting-new-survey-finds.html#ixzz2UhNnXsu1" target="_blank">polled</a> say they don't tell their kids off because they want them to have an easier life. But that's a total lie. It's the <em>parents</em> who want to have the easier life. They're so busy with their work schedules and social lives that they let their kids do whatever they want rather than be bothered with the hassle of disciplining them. They hand them over to nannies, day care centers, and baby sitters, and go on their way. I'd say almost half of women, if not more, would have a kid on Monday, go back to work on Wednesday, and not look back or feel guilty. They'd be as happy as peach pie to not have to deal with "the little brat".</p>
<p>The reality is, we're no longer a kid-centric society. According to a recent <a href="http://www.salon.com/2013/05/29/nearly_40_percent_of_mothers_are_family_breadwinners/" target="_blank">report</a> from the Pew Research Center, close to 40 percent of working mothers are the sole or primary breadwinners of their families (that's up from just 11 percent in 1960). What's even more striking: 60 percent of "breadwinner moms" aren't married. Three-quarters of adults say that the increasing number of women working has made it harder for parents to raise children. With Mom out working, divorcing, screwing around, bringing new boyfriends into the house, and remarrying, it's no wonder kids don't respect their parents! Today, you can look a kid in the face and they'll spit in your eye.</p>
<p>In general, parents need to stop being so deathly afraid of upsetting their kids. When your child does something wrong, quit blaming others and suing schools and coaches because you don't want your self-entitled little sweetheart to have hurt feelings. It's time to stop being our kids' friends and be their parents.<br /><br /><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/mom_child_park_blog.jpg" alt="" width="507" height="337" /></p>Staff2013-06-13T19:42:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-954489458881169931.html2013-06-12T17:37:00Z2013-06-12T17:37:00Z<img src="/images/blog/061013_its_your_responsibility_as_a_father_600.jpg" alt="It's your responsibility as a father to help your son become a man." width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-06-12T17:37:00ZVideo: You Hurt Me, So I'll Hurt You BackStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-You-Hurt-Me,-So-Ill-Hurt-You-Back/-235716082519133215.html2013-06-11T22:59:00Z2013-06-11T22:59:00Z<p>How do you respond when someone you're dating keeps bringing up things from your past and making hurtful comments about them? Watch:</p>
<p><iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/bj_iBCp95iw" frameborder="0" height="349" width="560"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-06-11T22:59:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-452990788471520459.html2013-06-07T11:48:00Z2013-06-07T11:48:00Z<p><em><br /></em></p>
<p><em>The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short, but in setting our aim too low and achieving our mark.</em></p>
<p>Michelangelo Buonarroti<br />Italian Renaissance sculptor, painter, and architect<br />1475-1564</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/blue_sky_orange_wall.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2013-06-07T11:48:00ZAffair-Proofing Your MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Affair-Proofing-Your-Marriage/207414319592488728.html2013-06-06T16:11:00Z2013-06-06T16:11:00Z<p><br /><br />There are two kinds of people who have affairs. The first are just bad people. Their self-indulgence and untrustworthiness stems from low character, not a troubled marriage. If it feels good to them, they'll do it. </p>
<p>It's a dumb waste of money to spend time in counseling with a serial cheater. If your spouse has been unfaithful more than once and refuses to be held accountable for their actions, your appointment should not be with a marriage therapist - it should be with a divorce lawyer (and a really good one at that).</p>
<p>The second type of cheater isn't "bad," they simply may be going outside the marriage to have their needs met. Now, I want to make one thing perfectly clear: I'm not saying that there's any excuse for someone to have an affair. Affairs are bad and there is no justification for breaching your vows. All I'm doing is giving an <em>explanation</em> for why some people have them.</p>
<p>I can't tell you how many times callers on my show have told the lie, "My spouse's affair came out of nowhere and took me completely by surprise." I say "lie" because after a bit of questioning, they admit about 99.8 percent of the time that there were problems:</p>
<p><em>"He complained that we weren't having sex." </em><br /><em>"She complained that I never listened or helped around the house..."</em></p>
<p>The bottom line: their spouse wasn't being fed.</p>
<p>Typically, the person who has been cheated on jumps to blame instead of looking at their participation in their spouse's fooling around. They make it all about how <em>they've</em> been hurt, and ignore the fact that they've betrayed their vows by not supporting or paying attention to their spouse.</p>
<p>If you can understand how you've contributed to a hungry spouse going out to a different restaurant, you can start making the menu better at your home, and the whole thing could be reversed. Blaming isn't useful - explaining the issue(s) is. </p>
<p>Knowing whether it was an emotional or physical affair is also important. The distinction allows you to see what was missing in the marriage. <em>What was so appealing about that person or situation?</em> </p>
<p>One of the letters in my book, <em>The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands</em>, is from a high-paid, ex call girl. In the letter, she explains how most of the married men who came to her were not particularly focused on having sex. Instead, they wanted to have dates with wine, roses, hugging, talking, and taking baths together. Why? Because their wives didn't act like their girlfriends.</p>
<p>So, with that in mind, let me give you some suggestions on how to be your husband's girlfriend/wife's boyfriend and <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/debra-macleod/why-people-have-affairs_b_2993616.html" target="_blank">affair-proof your marriage</a>:</p>
<p><em><strong>1. Choose wisely.</strong></em> If you're dating someone who's spent time going from sexual partner to sexual partner or shacked up before you met them, then their lifestyle is not one of monogamy. That's one of the many reasons why I advise against people having a lot of sexual partners - it becomes easy to turn to because you're so familiar with it. </p>
<p><em><strong>2. Don't ignore your spouse's complaints.</strong> Whether it's about housework, money, affection, in-laws, or texting, when your spouse tries to express the reasons for his or her unhappiness, you need to listen.</em> You don't have to necessarily agree with every point they're bringing up, but you do need to acknowledge their discomfort and do something to improve the situation. </p>
<p><em><strong>3. Don't let sex fall off the radar.</strong></em> Sex is a big part of marriage, and people who are having regular, good sex with each other tend not to get as pissy about the small stuff. It's amazing what a big eraser great sex is to small annoyances.</p>
<p><em><strong>4. </strong></em>Wake up every morning, look at your spouse, and <em><strong>think about three things you could do to make them happy they're alive and married to you</strong></em>. Show appreciation as opposed to having a complaint.</p>
<p><strong><em>5. Put down the damn cell phone!</em></strong> Stop texting and <em>talk to your spouse</em>. It's pretty crummy to feel second-fiddle to a smartphone.</p>
<p><em><strong>6. Talk to your spouse as though you love them.</strong></em> You love this person - so act like it! Always ask yourself, "Would a person who loved this person behave/talk this way?"</p>
<p><em><strong>7. Have fun family and marital rituals.</strong></em> Put the kids to bed and watch a movie, take walks, or play a game together. Just have some fun with each other. </p>
<p>If you do these things, the chances that one of you will have an affair will be somewhere between zero and none.<br /><br /><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/happy_couple_beach.jpg" alt="" width="507" height="338" /></p>Staff2013-06-06T16:11:00ZDr. Laura SaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Says/-401700246907123221.html2013-06-05T18:50:00Z2013-06-05T18:50:00Z<img src="/images/blog/060313_call_your_husband_and_say_something_dirty_600a.jpg" alt="Call your husband and say something dirty. Then say, 'have a nice day,' and hang up. THAT'S being your husband's girlfriend!" width="600" height="429" />Staff2013-06-05T18:50:00ZVideo: My Child Hates EnglishStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-My-Child-Hates-English/-137317456068382013.html2013-06-04T20:09:00Z2013-06-04T20:09:00Z<p>Does your child have good grades in every class except English? Well, I hated that subject too, but I have some advice on how to get the pages turning. Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/EeyUbmW5UE4" height="349"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-06-04T20:09:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/757709152791390580.html2013-05-31T13:40:00Z2013-05-31T13:40:00Z<p><em><br /></em></p>
<p><em>It's all right to have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation.</em></p>
<p>Dr. Rob Gilbert<br />Professor of Sports Psychology<br />Montclair State University</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/butterfly.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2013-05-31T13:40:00ZWhy Shacking Up Isn't All It's Cracked Up to BeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Shacking-Up-Isnt-All-Its-Cracked-Up-to-Be/79780404165173348.html2013-05-30T22:18:00Z2013-05-30T22:18:00Z<p><br />Couples who <a href="http://mylordandmyblog.wordpress.com/2009/02/24/seven-reasons-why-living-together-before-marriage-is-not-a-good-idea/" target="_blank">shack up</a> before marriage are more likely to divorce, experience domestic violence, have sexual and emotional problems, and be involved in affairs. Yet, regardless of the statistics, people continue to do it.<br /> <br />The myth couples use to justify shacking up is that by living together before marriage, they can "test drive the car" and have a more satisfying and longer-lasting marriage. But it's just the opposite. People shack up because they are skittish about commitment and, therefore, more likely to call it quits when problems arise. </p>
<p>In addition, couples who shack up actually lose objectivity because they're not looking at the relationship from a distance. They literally haven't had the "space" to step back and objectively consider whether this person is truly the best match for them. Instead, they sort of just drift into marriage.</p>
<p>Another reason not to shack up: You won't have a healthy relationship with your extended family. A supportive extended family is one of the things that makes a marriage work. However, moms, dads, siblings, and other family members are not going to expend as much effort, caring, and commitment to you as a couple when it's an iffy situation. People often forget that and then complain about their family not treating their shack-up stud or honey like family. Well hell, if you want them to be treated like family, make them family!<br /> <br />Quite frankly, if you shack up, you are basically saying that your future marriage isn't valuable enough to be worth waiting and making tough sacrifices for. I love it when people shack up and then demand a traditional wedding. How can you choose to live in a tremendously untraditional way and still expect your parents to cough up the money for a traditional party? If a kid wants to slap the face of tradition, they are on their own. <br /> <br />Finally (and most importantly), shacking up hurts kids. If (and usually when) a woman gets pregnant in a shack-up situation, there is a high probability that the sperm donor will split within two years, which results in a never-married-single-mom raising a fatherless child. A guy who is screwing a woman without laying down his life for her doesn't want to be a dad - he's just getting off.</p>
<p>In my opinion, the best way to test your compatibility for marriage and reduce your chances of divorce to almost nothing is:</p>
<p><strong>1) Don't have sex until you're married. </strong><br /><strong>2) Date for at least one year before you get engaged. </strong><br /><strong>3) Participate in a structured premarital counseling program which includes psychological testing. </strong></p>
<p>However, I know most of you are not going to do that. So, operate at your own risk - or rather, the risk of your kids.</p>Staff2013-05-30T22:18:00ZVideo: My Flirting SpouseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-My-Flirting-Spouse/977953927680592855.html2013-05-29T19:01:00Z2013-05-29T19:01:00Z<p>What can you do about a spouse who blatantly flirts in front of their own family? Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/KcUma_Q1VIQ" height="349"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-05-29T19:01:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-526453944986227079.html2013-05-24T13:45:00Z2013-05-24T13:45:00Z<p><em><br /></em></p>
<p><em>There are no goodbyes for us. Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart.</em><br /><br /><br />Mohandas Gandhi<br />1869 - 1948</p>
<p>Remember our fallen men and women this Monday, Memorial Day.</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/soldier_deploying_blog_1.jpg" alt="" /></p>Staff2013-05-24T13:45:00ZWhen Parents of Adult Children RemarryStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-Parents-of-Adult-Children-Remarry/982217053045071881.html2013-05-23T16:02:00Z2013-05-23T16:02:00Z<p>A parent's remarriage is not only extremely tough on minor kids, but it's a touchy subject for adult children as well. Be it death or divorce, you may feel like you're still grieving the loss of your mom or dad while your other parent has simply moved on.</p>
<p>However, adult kids have to put themselves in their parent's shoes. Your parent may have had a very long, good marriage (except for the ending), and now they no longer have a companion or best friend. They may feel lonely and long for that connection again, and they often find it with another spouse. </p>
<p>So, how can an adult child better adjust to their parent's remarriage? Here are some tips:<br /> <br /><strong>1. Don't be negative.</strong> Though your parent doesn't need to ask your permission to get remarried, they would probably like your support. Being negative won't stop the marriage, and it will only create bad feelings between you and your parent. </p>
<p><strong>2. Don't compare.</strong> Don't measure the new spouse ("the stepparent") against your own mom or dad. It's not about you - it's about your parent being happy.</p>
<p><strong>3. Accept the situation.</strong> "Acceptance" is a word I use a lot with callers on my program. It's a very important part of moving on because it means you're no longer fighting something. When your parent gets married again, hopefully they are going to be happy and find joy. That may be hard for you to accept or like, but you need to do it if there is going to be peace. The first thing you can do is get on board. Accept the new "stepparent" and do everything you can to make them feel welcome in the family. Break your back trying to do that instead of treating them like an outsider.</p>
<p><strong>4. Show respect.</strong> You may have to dig down deep sometimes to find something good about your parent's new spouse, but you need to show respect because you're sharing your parent with them. Your parent may marry someone who isn't very nice. If that happens, you're screwed, but you can be less screwed if you do your best to kiss up to them as best you can. Fake it. Make believe. When you go home, you can brush your teeth, but while you're there, you've got to act sweet no matter what. Otherwise, you're not going to see your mom or dad. </p>
<p><strong>5. Don't expect love or affection either way - ever.</strong> Maybe love and affection will develop. If it does, terrific, but if it never does, it's not the end of the world. Not everybody is an emotional match.</p>
<p><strong>6. If the new spouse has children or grandchildren, understand that "the female runs the roost."</strong> If your dad marries a woman with kids, her kids are going to have priority unless your dad is very strong. And even if he is strong, he may abdicate his strength for the sake of not wanting to be alone.</p>
<p>The bottom line is that people tend to be more emotional about things the closer they are to them. For example, if there's a disaster somewhere in the world, the first thing you want to know is if there were any Americans involved and if any of those hurt were from your state, city, or neighborhood. The closer they are to you, the more emotional you feel. A similar dynamic is at play in stepfamilies. You don't feel the same way about your father's new wife as you do about your own mom. However, a word to the (hopefully) wise: make it <em>seem</em> as though you do. Human beings have developed ways of appearing to be open and friendly (bowing, shaking hands, smiling, offering bread, etc.), and I suggest you use them all. Feelings usually develop in a better way over time if you put forth these efforts.</p>
<p><strong><em>*A quick note to parents who are remarrying with adult kids:</em></strong></p>
<p>Don't put your spouse's kids in your will. Only your own kids should be in your will, and by the same token, you shouldn't expect your spouse to put your kids in theirs. In addition, I suggest signing a prenup and making sure that all insurance policies are clear about who is a beneficiary. </p>
<p>This is why I recommend six months of premarital counseling to ALL couples considering marriage so that issues like finances (and whose family you'll be seeing during the holidays!) can all be sorted out objectively. I even believe that at some point during the process of creating a stepfamily with adult kids, everyone in the families should come in for counseling and discuss the potential problems, difficulties, and jealousies which could arise.</p>Staff2013-05-23T16:02:00ZVideo: Weeding Out a Bad FriendStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Weeding-Out-a-Bad-Friend/634411915091207150.html2013-05-21T18:41:00Z2013-05-21T18:41:00Z<p>Is there a destructive person in your group of friends who no one is willing to call out? Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/pMazLT7qeHI" height="349"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-05-21T18:41:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-689630251887713738.html2013-05-17T14:01:00Z2013-05-17T14:01:00Z<p><em><br /></em></p>
<p><em>We few, we happy few, we band of brothers</em></p>
<p>William Shakespeare<br />1564-1616<br />From Henry V, Act IV, Scene iii<br />St. Crispin's Day speech</p>
<p>Saturday, May 18 is Armed Forces Day.</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/us_flag_1.jpg" alt="" width="508" height="337" /></p>Staff2013-05-17T14:01:00ZHow to Know You're Ready for MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Know-Youre-Ready-for-Marriage/683006123690759636.html2013-05-16T19:15:00Z2013-05-16T19:15:00Z<p>You've dated around, had a couple of long-term relationships, and hopefully figured out which qualities are important to you and what makes a relationship work. Now you're faced with the inevitable question, "Am I ready to get married?"</p>
<p>For women, the most important <a href="http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/7-signs-youre-ready-married-193400673.html" target="_blank">signs</a> are:</p>
<ol>
<li><strong><em>You share similar goals. </em></strong> If you and your guy have different priorities, you're going to end up being disappointed. For example, a woman called my show the other day complaining that her husband had moved their family 13 times in as many years to satisfy his appetite for wanderlust (which is a HORRIBLE thing for kids). Before you consider marriage, ask yourself and your partner about where you want to live, if you want to have kids, and religious views. Find out what the deal breakers are.</li>
<li><strong><em>You don't want to change him.</em></strong> Similar to buying a dress from the store, when you get married, you take your man "as-is". Sure, you might be able to tweak him a little bit, but you can't fundamentally change him. If you don't accept that, you're going to end up frustrated and bitchy. <em>You don't have to adore everything about him, but you do have to make peace with the fact that on Sunday afternoons it's him and ESPN, and you're not going to change that.</em></li>
<li><strong><em>You connect on more than just a physical level.</em></strong> A very small percentage of marriage is spent in passionate lovemaking. <em>You need to know that you can have fun together and enjoy each other when your clothes are ON.</em></li>
<li><strong><em>You can see past your wedding day.</em></strong> Many women are bridezillas: They are so focused on their wedding and being the center of the universe in their stunning white gown that they lose sight of their fiancé and the whole concept of marriage. </li>
<li><strong><em>You can talk to each other. </em></strong> You know you're ready to get married when you can talk things out rationally (without yelling or screaming) and not let issues get pushed under the rug without being resolved.</li>
<li><strong><em>Everyone you know says your guy is fab.</em></strong> <em>It's fine if a few family members or friends aren't huge fans (you can't please everybody), but if everyone you know hates this guy, they might be on to something. </em> Your family and friends know you, and they can look at the situation objectivity. If they're reasonably nice people, pay attention to them, otherwise your marriage is going to be a constant acid drip.</li>
</ol>
<p>Guys, on the other hand, start feeling ready for marriage when the singles scene just doesn't appeal to them anymore, and they stop wanting to bed hot girls that they can't have conversations with afterward. <em>Men have biological clocks</em>, but it has nothing to do with making babies. It has to do with being financially stable and settled in their careers. <em>Most college educated men don't consider marriage as a possibility until at least 26, and they don't enter a phase of high commitment until the ages of 28-33. Guys who have gone to graduate school hit their commitment peak even later (30-36).</em></p>
<p>Here are some <a href="http://www.ivillage.com/4-signs-mans-ready-marriage-and-4-hes-not/4-a-283721?p=5" target="_blank">signs</a> that a guy is NOT ready to get married:</p>
<ol>
<li><strong><em>He's financially unstable.</em></strong> If a guy is still struggling to pay his bills, he's not ready to get married or take on the extra burden of a family. In addition, if he buys a very expensive car for himself instead of saving up for a ring or your future, he's not interested in marriage. </li>
<li><em><strong>He won't commit.</strong></em> If a guy is unable to <em>commit to a job, family or friends,</em> then he can't be counted on.</li>
<li><em><strong>You have to talk him into it. </strong> If he says he's not interested in getting married, don't try to change his mind - believe him.</em> </li>
<li><em><strong>He calls his married friends "losers" or "stupid."</strong></em> A guy who thinks having a family is cute is much more ready to become a husband and a father. </li>
<li><strong><em>He continually makes you cry (and I'm not talking about tears of happiness).</em></strong> <em>If he's unreliable, abusive, a liar, a cheater, or a flirt, you need to divorce yourself from this relationship BEFORE you're married.</em> </li>
</ol>
<p>Above all: use your brain. Don't get married when you're in the throes of the early stages of a relationship. Fantasies are not the stuff that long-term relationships are built on.</p>Staff2013-05-16T19:15:00ZVideo: Should I Tell My Kid Before Someone Else Does?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Should-I-Tell-My-Kid-Before-Someone-Else-Does/401357176803971837.html2013-05-14T17:07:00Z2013-05-14T17:07:00Z<p>Parents may have secrets other people know about, but that have not been told to their children. When is it appropriate to tell your child something before someone else 'lets the cat out of the bag'? Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/_EGQuoPwcYk" height="349"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-05-14T17:07:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-28526001794224414.html2013-05-10T13:40:00Z2013-05-10T13:40:00Z<p><em><br />One bright and guiding light</em><br /><em>That taught me wrong from right</em><br /><em>I found in my mother's eyes</em><br /><br /><br />From the song "My Mother's Eyes"<br />Written by Abel Baer and L. Wolfe Gilbert</p>
<p>Happy Mother's Day to all on Sunday May 12</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/vintage_mom_child.jpg" alt="" width="486" height="353" /></p>Staff2013-05-10T13:40:00ZKids Lose When Parents Play FavoritesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Kids-Lose-When-Parents-Play-Favorites/88200808698410416.html2013-05-09T16:44:00Z2013-05-09T16:44:00Z<p><a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-narcissus-in-all-us/200901/when-parents-play-favorites" target="_blank">Favoritism</a> exists throughout the animal kingdom. Most species nurture the strongest of their offspring, which have the most promise of propagating their genetics into the future. The wussy and wimpy ones, on the other hand, usually get eaten. So when it comes to humans, it makes sense biologically that parents play favorites amongst their children. </p>
<p>Parents are drawn to kids <em>who are more pleasant and affectionate, and less aggressive and deviant</em>. For example, let's say you have twin babies. One screams 24/7 and the other coos sweetly in your arms. Well guess what? The screaming one is toast. </p>
<p>Parents also tend to feel closer to children of <em>the same gender and personality type, and favor their biological kids over stepchildren.</em> In addition, parents usually have a soft spot for their <em>first- and lastborn (at some point, the first- and lastborn have their parents all to themselves)</em>. Generally speaking, it's the firstborns who get all the perks due to the emotional and physical investment that goes into having the first baby.</p>
<p>Favoritism manifests itself in how much <em>time, affection, privilege, or discipline </em>you give one child compared to another. The problem is that <em>kids who are blatantly disfavored by their parents experience terrible outcomes across the board: more depression, greater aggressiveness, lower self-esteem, and poorer academic performance</em>. On the opposite side of the coin, children who are favored tend to develop a sense of arrogance and entitlement, which makes them terribly disliked by their siblings and totally unprepared for the real world.</p>
<p>So, how can a parent avoid showing favoritism?<br /> <br /><strong>1. <em>When one kid is looking for a leg up, pick up everybody's leg.</em></strong></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">The irony is that every kid wants to feel like they're different and special in their own way. Your job is to do that without making them compete with each other. When one of your kids asks, "Am I the best swimmer in the family?," respond by saying, "I think you're the best swimmer, and George is the best baseball player, and Mary is the best painter," etc. That way, each of your children has the mentality that he or she is the best, but so are their siblings. There's no favoritism shown because everybody's the best at something. Try to divvy out your love and affection equally, but continue highlighting each child's uniqueness.</p>
<p><strong>2. It's not personal - it's situational.</strong></p>
<ul>
<li>If you have a new baby at home, explain to your older child, "Your brother is a newborn. He can't roll over or even scratch his butt - he can't do anything. So for a while, it's going to look like we're paying more attention to him, but you can scratch your butt and he can't." Your older child will think this is hilarious, and they'll get the picture (and wait for the day that their brother's hand reaches behind his back...) </li>
<li>If one of your children is physically ill or disabled, inevitably there is going to be unequal treatment. Make it clear to your other kids that you are not choosing the disabled child over them, but that their sibling's condition simply requires more attention. Reassure your other kids that it's not personal - it's just situational.</li>
</ul>Staff2013-05-09T16:44:00ZVideo: Why Is the First Response, 'No'?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Why-Is-the-First-Response,-No/-595619709028285206.html2013-05-07T18:47:00Z2013-05-07T18:47:00Z<p>Why is it that when you suggest something to your spouse you get shot down, but when someone else comes up with the exact same idea, your spouse thinks it's the greatest thing since sliced bread? I've got an idea why... Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/E9tX6wmroWs" height="349"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-05-07T18:47:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/325954647801389568.html2013-05-03T13:36:00Z2013-05-03T13:36:00Z<p><em>Keep your fears to yourself, but share your courage with others.</em><br /><br /><br />Robert Louis Stevenson<br />Scottish novelist and poet<br />1850-1894</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/mouse_cat.jpg" alt="" width="507" height="338" /></p>Staff2013-05-03T13:36:00Z8 Simple Ways to Treat KindlyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/8-Simple-Ways-to-Treat-Kindly/33908941359937217.html2013-05-02T12:33:00Z2013-05-02T12:33:00Z<p>My recipe for a perfect marriage has two ingredients. The first is <em><strong>choosing wisely</strong></em>. When people don't choose wisely, start grinding out kids, and then call my show, there's not a lot I can do to help them. The second ingredient is <strong><em>treating kindly</em></strong>. Treating kindly means behaving in a loving way whether you feel like it or not. The fact is, when you act in a loving way, you actually feel more loving. </p>
<p>So, what can you do to keep your spouse happy and feeling loved? You may think saying, "I love you," every now and then means you're racking up points, but <em>unless you back it up with actions, your words are empty and hollow. There's a big difference between words and actions. </em></p>
<p>Here are some <a href="http://voices.yahoo.com/10-ways-show-her-love-her-30167.html?cat=41" target="_blank">suggestions</a> (remember, these are only suggestions - use your imagination):</p>
<ul>
<li><em><strong>Write a poem.</strong></em> I don't care whether you know how to rhyme or not, write your spouse a love poem. It doesn't have to be a work of art, just something short and sweet. It shows that you put in some thought and effort, and that he or she was on your mind. After you write the poem, leave it by their pillow or coffee.</li>
<li><strong><em>Surprise them. </em></strong> While your spouse is still at work or out with the kids, put out some candles and cook their favorite meal. </li>
<li><strong><em>Do the little things.</em></strong> Do the laundry or the dishes without making a big deal about it or having it seem like it was some heroic effort. Just do it!</li>
<li><em><strong>Remember the special times. </strong></em> Guys, listen up: remember her birthday and your anniversaries (your wedding, the first time you kissed, when you first met, etc.). She'll love that you remembered.</li>
<li><strong><em>When you first get together after a long day, take time to just chat.</em></strong> Sit down in your living room or on the porch, have a glass of wine, and say, "Let's talk about the cool things that happened today." The first thing a lot of people do when they get home is just bitch about all the crap that happened that day. Who wants to hear that?! You've been away from each other for a long time and you've both had to deal with difficult things. Don't sit there dueling about whose day was more difficult. Just clink glasses, rub your toes together, and talk about some good things that happened. Wouldn't that make for a much more pleasant atmosphere?</li>
<li><strong><em>Leave them little notes.</em></strong> Texts are OK, but not a tenth as good as hand-written notes. A hand-written note requires getting out a pen and paper, writing the note, and putting it somewhere. For example, place one in the refrigerator so that when your wife goes for the baby's bottle, she sees, "You are the best mommy and I love you."</li>
<li><strong><em>Arrange a date night.</em></strong> Find a babysitter: your mom, mother-in-law, sister, aunt, grandparent, etc. For all you men reading this, here's an idea: When you come home from work, pick up your wife and carry her to the car. Whatever way she's dressed will tell you what kind of restaurant to go to.</li>
<li><strong><em>Take a bath together.</em></strong> Hop in the tub and sit there talking, giggling, and giving each other back and foot rubs.</li>
</ul>
<p>It doesn't require a lot of time or brilliant creativity to show your spouse that you love them, but it does take effort. And if you behave in a loving way, it will magnify your own feelings of love because loving actions make us feel loving.</p>Staff2013-05-02T12:33:00ZVideo: My Finical Critical MotherStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-My-Finical-Critical-Mother/669553643847551654.html2013-04-30T19:28:00Z2013-04-30T19:28:00Z<p>Your mother has always been critical of you. Now she's doing that to your spouse and child. Want to know what to do? Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/0aticmoOFpU" height="349"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-04-30T19:28:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/778327604322160430.html2013-04-26T07:00:00Z2013-04-26T07:00:00Z<p><em>Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.</em></p>
<p><br />James M. Barrie<br />Scottish author and dramatist<br />Creator of Peter Pan<br />1860-1937</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/couple_rock_silhouette.jpg" alt="" width="334" height="460" /></p>Staff2013-04-26T07:00:00ZFeminism: The Best Thing to Ever Happen to Young MalesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Feminism:-The-Best-Thing-to-Ever-Happen-to-Young-Males/-501790102012245418.html2013-04-25T19:32:00Z2013-04-25T19:32:00Z<p>Feminism initially started off as a good thing. A woman with equal ability should have the same opportunities as a man. She shouldn't be given a leg up or down because of her gender - it should all be based on ability. </p>
<p>However, what feminism evolved into was women hooking up, disdaining men, and deciding not to raise their own children. Women began taking less interest in their homes, husbands, and kids, and what resulted was very destructive to both men and women.</p>
<p>First off, boys started growing up to be "males" instead of "men." The best thing to ever happen to young males was feminism because it saved them a lot of money paying for whores. With all the hooking up and casual sex that goes on these days, most girls act like whores - they just don't get paid for it. And what guy wants to lay down his life for some skank who has been with 18 guys? What for? He doesn't see her as motherhood and apple pie, he sees her as a skank. This is why young males stand by and watch when girls are molested and raped - it's entertainment to them. </p>
<p>In addition, feminism encouraged mothers to neglect their kids. I think it's wonderful for a woman to go through medical school and save a lot of lives, but she shouldn't have kids. We shouldn't dump kids by the wayside so we can pursue a career. No nanny or day care can take the place of a mother's arms. </p>
<p>What began as a noble cause has emasculated and effeminized our culture to a disgraceful level. As parents, we need to place more value on teaching kids to be ladies and gentleman again - and fast.</p>Staff2013-04-25T19:32:00ZVideo: Stepping Out of Your Comfort ZoneStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Stepping-Out-of-Your-Comfort-Zone/749477639376633117.html2013-04-23T18:38:00Z2013-04-23T18:38:00Z<p>Most people search for that great love. Some people search for that fulfilling career. But what if you've searched and searched, and cannot attract the things you want? Watch:</p>
<p><iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/OiX3eCoa-ew" frameborder="0" height="349" width="560"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-04-23T18:38:00ZHow to Protect Your Child from Online PredatorsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Protect-Your-Child-from-Online-Predators/-502758919336747451.html2013-04-22T21:00:00Z2013-04-22T21:00:00Z<p>Meeting people on the Internet is not a very good plan. You can never know for sure who you're talking to, and there has been plenty of <a href="http://psychcentral.com/news/2013/01/15/teen-girls-at-risk-when-first-meeting-online-acquaintances/50390.html" target="_blank">research</a> to show the dangers of developing a relationship with someone online.</p>
<p>However, reality and facts don't seem to matter when emotions are involved. According to the journal <em>Pediatrics, a third of teenagers reported having offline meetings with people they have met on the Internet.</em> Now, their parents probably didn't neglect to tell them, "Don't do that!" A lot of kids are thrill-seekers, or they desperately want to connect with someone, oftentimes someone older. Not too many predators are even pretending to be kids anymore. Many flat-out admit that they're adults. </p>
<p>Young girls who are abused (sexually or physically) or neglected (because their parents are either divorced or too busy with full-time careers) are the most likely to present themselves online in a sexual or provocative way. They do it to fill the space that their parents aren't filling and to get attention. That's the most vulnerable kind of kid. <em>If someone is looking for a vulnerable teen with whom to start an online sexual discourse, they will most likely target someone who presents themselves provocatively.</em> This also occurs with minor gay males, who are confused, scared, hiding, or being rejected by their parents. </p>
<p>So, how can you protect your kids from online predators? You have to be there to parent. It's as simple as that. As research shows, installing Internet filtering software doesn't really make that much of a difference - maltreated kids still find a way to <em>intentionally seek the adult content and provocatively present themselves on social networking sites.</em></p>
<p>Like any other job, being a parent requires you to show up and put in effort. For example, in order to be a surgeon, you have to be in the operating room. As a parent, you need to be there when your child gets out of school <em>to reduce the association between your adolescent's risk factors and online behavior.</em> Paying attention to your kids is the best medicine and best method of control. Kids who are loved and well taken care of, by and large, have more self-control and get into less trouble - online and elsewhere.</p>Staff2013-04-22T21:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-306290251582456223.html2013-04-19T13:42:00Z2013-04-19T13:42:00Z<p><em>Never ruin an apology with an excuse.</em></p>
<p><br />Benjamin Franklin<br />One of the Founding Fathers of the United States<br />1706-1790</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/ben_franklin.jpg" alt="" width="380" height="450" /></p>Staff2013-04-19T13:42:00Z13 Things to Discuss Before You MarryStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/13-Things-to-Discuss-Before-You-Marry/424516259183190547.html2013-04-18T07:00:00Z2013-04-18T07:00:00Z<p>We all get nervous before big moments in our lives. When you start school, graduate, or arrive for the first day of a new job, your stomach is sure to be doing flips. So when you get married, it's only natural and normal to feel some anticipatory anxiety. However, there's a huge difference between a few pre-wedding jitters and getting cold feet. </p>
<p>Getting cold feet is a message from the inside that you may be making a <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-gauvain/post_2388_b_970586.html" target="_blank">mistake</a>. Unfortunately, a lot of folks ignore this feeling because they think:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>1. <em>"It's too late. We've dated for so long, and I have too much invested." </em></strong></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>2. <em>"I don't want to be alone." </em></strong></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>3. <em>"It's too embarrassing and/or expensive to call off the wedding." </em></strong></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>4. <em>"He/she is really nice, and I don't want to hurt his/her feelings." </em></strong></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>5. <em>"He/she will change after we get married." </em></strong></p>
<p>How can you avoid getting cold feet at the altar? Go through <strong>at least six months of premarital counseling</strong>. Oftentimes people ignore doubts, red flags, and gut feelings because they don't discuss their <a href="http://apps.cignabehavioral.com/web/basicsite/bulletinBoard/beforeYouGetMarried.jsp" target="_blank">issues</a> and concerns BEFORE they get married. By seeing an expert who specializes in premarital counseling, you'll go over things like: </p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>1. <em>Money. </em></strong><em>How do we spend it? What about savings? What about budgets? Who takes care of the money?</em> When it comes to money, there are two types of people to varying extremes: those who like to spend and those who like to save. It's extremely important to discuss finances and prenups (which I think are absolutely necessary in second marriages involving children so that the kids are protected).<br /><br /><strong>2. <em>How alike are you?</em> </strong> People say "opposites attract," but that only works for magnets, not for people. The more you have in common with your partner, the better. You need to discuss your backgrounds, religious beliefs, values, and dreams for the future. What are your views on loyalty, honesty, and dealing with anger? What behaviors are off-limits? You should talk about all these things and never assume they will change after you are married. If you want something about them to change and it doesn't, don't get married!</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>3. <em>Communication skills.</em></strong><em> </em> Many people come from families where they really don't communicate. They don't sit down calmly and honestly speak the truth. You and your partner need to be able to say to each other, "These are my expectations, hopes, dreams, desires, etc.," and then ask if they are reasonable. If your partner says, "I would like to have more freedom, come and go as I please, and not have to call when I'm going to be late for dinner," then you know it's a good idea to call it quits.<br />It's vital to assess how someone communicates before you get married. Some people use communication as a destructive tool to get what they want, and others use it to hurt their partner or justify themselves when they've lied or misbehaved. </p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>4. <em>Life outside of marriage.</em> </strong> Which hobbies and activities are you going to do together and which are you going to do separately with friends? Am I not going to be able to ride my motorcycle because you don't ride? Some people are so insecure, possessive, or demanding that they won't let the other person have a life. Many women, in particular, don't want their men to have guy time (which can be very disastrous). </p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>5. <em>Do you want to have kids?</em></strong><em> How many? What does discipline look like? Who's going to take care of them? What happens if one of you has fertility issues? Are you open to adoption?</em> Having two people cooperate to raise a child is a huge deal. Compatibility issues in how you parent can lead to big problems down the road. This is why it's important to look at each other's family dynamics. People develop a lot of neurotic tendencies from their childhoods that may never change, such as how loving or attentive they are. Observe how your fiancé/fiancée is with other people's kids. </p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>6. <em>Employment. </em></strong><em> Do you travel a lot for your job? Do you plan to relocate often? Do you stay at the office late? Do you have any time for family? </em> Certain jobs (trucking, medicine, law, military, etc.) require a lot of commitment. You have to analyze yourself and ask, "Do I want to marry somebody who isn't going to be home at seven every night? Do I want my spouse to be just visiting when he/she walks in to the house?" </p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>7. <em>Sex!</em></strong> Find out what each other's fantasies are. If their fantasies include small farm animals, you know to hit the eject button.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>8. <em>Daily life:</em></strong> Who's going to be responsible for which household chores and bills? Are you actually going to raise your kids, or are you going to farm them out (so that when you're old and decrepit, they farm you out)?</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>9. <em>How committed are you to the relationship?</em></strong> With looks, health, abilities, kids, finances, and family, there are many changes, phases, and challenges in life. Are you committed in the relationship, or are you just a fair weather spouse? I would say that about 70 percent of divorces result because people are not committed to a relationship - when it's not going good, they find another place to go.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>10. <em>Personal space.</em> </strong> Everybody needs time to be alone with their hobbies and thoughts. A lot of women have trouble giving their husbands personal space. Guys are generally relieved when their wives want to go spend the day with their girlfriends: "That's wonderful honey, are you sure you don't want to go for the weekend?" = "Yes! No nagging for six hours!" </p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>11. <em>How are you going to keep the marriage exciting?</em></strong><em> What's your idea of a good time together? Is it hanging out with a lot of people? Watching sports? A candlelight dinner? A walk in the park? Soaking in the tub together?</em> After they get married, many people say, "My husband/wife doesn't do anything." Well, perhaps that's because you guys never talked about what would be fun.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>12. <em>Family.</em> </strong> My advice: If you really, really, really can't get along with his or her family, move 3,000 miles away.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>13. <em>Know your odds.</em></strong><em> Statistics show that couples who live together before they're married are more likely to get divorced. Couples who have been previously married and divorced are also more likely to get divorced.</em> Don't learn the hard way by thinking "Well, we're different." </p>Staff2013-04-18T07:00:00ZVideo: A Rose by Any Other NameStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-A-Rose-by-Any-Other-Name/740190868498017391.html2013-04-16T20:50:00Z2013-04-16T20:50:00Z<p>Every family has nicknames for various members. But what if you want them to call you by your given name and they refuse? Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/3ZqAoJLp0DM" height="349"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-04-16T20:50:00ZHow to Praise Your KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Praise-Your-Kids/-591831321404607629.html2013-04-15T14:58:00Z2013-04-15T14:58:00Z<p>I get a lot of calls from people who say, "I can't do anything because I don't have self-esteem." My usual response: "b.s." I don't wake up every day and tell myself, "Oh my gosh, I love you." It's when I've done something that requires guts, sacrifice, or was extremely valuable to me that I'm proud of myself. </p>
<p>Ever since the 60s, there has been a lot of psychobabble surrounding <a href="http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/02/130212075109.htm?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+sciencedaily+%28ScienceDaily%3A+Latest+Science+News%29" target="_blank">self-esteem</a>. People who buy into the "self-esteem movement" figure that the best way to combat low-esteem in kids is to artificially pump them up by saying things like, "You're wonderful," and, "That's the most beautiful piece of art I've ever seen." However, this <em>"person praise"</em> does nothing to actually give them higher self-esteem. You're only blowing smoke and treating them like animals ("You're such a good boy/girl" is something I say to my dogs). </p>
<p>Instead, praise should be directed at a child's effort. For example, tell them, "Wow. You really worked hard on that!" This is what is called <em>"process praise" - you're commenting on their diligence and persistence. According to a study from the University of Chicago, kids are more likely to prefer challenging tasks and believe that intelligence and personality can improve with effort than youngsters who simply hear praise directed at them personally. It sends the message that effort and actions are the sources of success and your approval.</em> If you're impressed by their effort, kids will put in more effort. If you just say, "You're very good at this," that's it - they stay at that level. They won't try harder because they figure that they have already reached the pinnacle. </p>
<p>By praising the process, actions, and strategies (e.g. "I'm impressed that you did your best and worked hard to stick with it"), kids try to do better and better to impress you and themselves. And what happens when they impress themselves? Their self-esteem goes up. </p>
<p>The bottom line: You can't give your kids self-esteem. They have to earn it in their own minds. Otherwise, you're just handing them praise balloons and turning them into narcissists. </p>Staff2013-04-15T14:58:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-266108619296582575.html2013-04-12T07:00:00Z2013-04-12T07:00:00Z<p><em>Did you ever notice that when you put the words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS?"</em></p>
<p>Author unknown</p>
<p><br />Don't forget -- The IRS expects your income tax return to be filed by Monday, April 15</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/taxes.jpg" alt="" width="507" height="338" /></p>Staff2013-04-12T07:00:00ZDo Violent Video Games Make Us Violent?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Do-Violent-Video-Games-Make-Us-Violent/-245398657693146177.html2013-04-11T07:00:00Z2013-04-11T07:00:00Z<p>Do violent video games make people violent? In the aftermath of the Aurora and Sandy Hook shootings, this question has once again become a hot-button issue in our society. The reason we don't have a definitive answer is because it's hard to test scientifically. You can't take people who have played violent video games and those who haven't, and then give them knives and guns and see what they'll do. That's not what we call ethical research. </p>
<p>What we do know based on the studies that have been conducted is that <em>violent <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/12/science/studying-the-effects-of-playing-violent-video-games.html?pagewanted=1&_r=4&ref=science" target="_blank">video games</a> increase aggressive thoughts, behaviors, and feelings, and elevate heart rate and blood pressure</em>. In addition, kids who play a lot of violent games don't have much interest in charity or helping others. Yet, exposure to all kinds of violent media - not just <a href="http://www.ithp.org/articles/violentvideogames.html" target="_blank">video games</a> - <em>increases feelings of aggression and decreases feelings of empathy</em>. </p>
<p>In my opinion, I don't think violent video games are the problem. Taking them away isn't going to stop people from shooting up schools and movie theaters. There are always going to be psychopaths no matter what we do. I think the more important issue lies in our society's backward attitude towards parenting. As I say over and over again, kids are more likely to be good kids when their parents are around. Sure they'll experiment and do stupid stuff from time to time, but they're going to be a lot better off if they live in a stable home with two happily married parents who they feel close to. Although violent video games can contribute to kids acting nasty, they are not responsible for all the rudeness and nastiness we see in the world today. It evolves from kids not being surrounded by cohesive families and communities. </p>
<p>A while back, I was watching a medical special about a 6-year-old kid in India who was born with the half-formed body of a twin attached to his abdomen. He was taken to a hospital in New Delhi and a team of amazing surgeons removed the growth. However, it wasn't the medical feat that impressed me. What struck me most was that when he came home, the entire village was outside with musical instruments and flags to welcome him back. These impoverished people who don't even have shoes, bathrooms, or air conditioning were all out there smiling and cheering for him. I thought, "They may have virtually nothing, but at least they have intact families and a tight-knit community."</p>
<p>Our kids, by and large, don't have that. As we all know from William Golding's terrific book, <em>Lord of the Flies</em>, children who receive very little caring or involvement from their parents revert back to being monsters. We need to realize that the problem is much bigger than violent video games - it's how we're raising our kids.</p>Staff2013-04-11T07:00:00ZVideo: Should I Stay or Should I Go?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Should-I-Stay-or-Should-I-Go/721784074362929979.html2013-04-09T16:15:00Z2013-04-09T16:15:00Z<p>Is it better to stay in a loveless marriage or get out? That depends on if there are minor children still at home... Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/dqh9g3rb-vk" height="349"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-04-09T16:15:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-141706126155448935.html2013-04-05T07:00:00Z2013-04-05T07:00:00Z<p><em>I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.</em></p>
<p>Elie Wiesel<br />Holocaust survivor and Nobel Laureate<br />Nobel Peace Prize, 1986<br />1928 -</p>
<p>Monday, April 8 is Holocaust Remembrance Day</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/holocaust_memorial_budapest.jpg" alt="" width="342" height="501" /></p>Staff2013-04-05T07:00:00ZEleven Ways to Kick Hurtful HabitsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Eleven-Ways-to-Kick-Hurtful-Habits/840614116740351186.html2013-04-04T16:27:00Z2013-04-04T16:27:00Z<p>Old habits die hard. Be it smoking, gossiping, raising your temper, pointing out others' flaws, avoiding responsibility, or getting defensive, when something becomes familiar and comfortable, pathways get set up in the brain and it becomes a knee-jerk behavior. </p>
<p>Here are a few <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201301/10-tools-change-hurtful-habits" target="_blank">tips</a> on how to change a bad habit and be a better spouse, family member, or friend: </p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>1. <em>Become aware of the problem.</em></strong><em> </em>When I was training to be a marriage and family therapist at USC, one of the things we would do is film sessions with families. Then we would sit down with the families and let them watch the tapes. It was amazing how many people would look at the videos and say, "I can't believe I do that! I can't believe I say that! I can't believe I make those faces!" It had been tough for them to see before because their behavior was so habitual and normal. Therefore, when you <em>discover or are confronted with something you do that hurts somebody else,</em> don't ignore it.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>2. <em>Be honest with yourself.</em></strong><em> Whether you have figured it out by yourself or it was pointed out to you, you have to <strong>acknowledge</strong> that you have hurt someone else.</em> You need to take a good look at yourself and admit you have a problem. That's the only way you'll change your actions.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>3. <em>Apologize.</em></strong> Apologizing doesn't just mean saying, "I'm sorry." It needs to be followed by, "What can I do to make up for it?" The answer you get in response will help you find a way to make things right. Furthermore, you can't apologize and then do the same thing again. Repeating the hurtful behavior makes your apologies meaningless.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>4. <em>Think before you speak.</em></strong> Before words come out of your mouth, ask yourself, "What do I really want to convey? How will he or she interpret what I say?" Anticipate people's sensitivities. Take time to figure out what you're going to say in a tactful manner, otherwise, button your lip. Not everything that is true needs to be spoken.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>5. <em>Show empathy.</em></strong><em> </em>Instead of saying, "I don't really understand why they're getting so upset," <em>put yourself in your loved one's shoes and feel what he or she is feeling.</em> One thing I used to do in private practice and still do with couples on the air is have one person defend the other's point of view. For example, if a husband comes home and isn't very cuddly and friendly, his wife has to adopt his perspective. She might say, "I had a long day at work and, on top of that, there was horrible traffic coming home." And then I do the reverse. If a husband is complaining about why things aren't neat when he comes home, he has to take on his wife's point of view: "I had x number of things to do <em>in addition</em> to taking care of the kids, so I couldn't make everything perfect." It's amazing what a difference showing some understanding can make. Just the look on the other person's face when you defend why they do what they do is priceless. (Just for fun, try playing this game tonight with your spouse!) </p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>6. </strong><em><strong>Control your temper.</strong> When you're about to fly off the handle, remember the old "count to 10" trick.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>7. <em>Practice, practice, practice.</em></strong> <em>It takes about 30 or so repetitions to create a new habit, so stay with it.</em> As you probably know, one of my hobbies is shooting pool. What's fascinating to me is how if I miss a shot and try to do it again thinking I'm doing something different, I'll hit it the exact same way. I have to set up the shot seven or eight times until my brain sees it differently. We're like that with everything - it takes repetition for your brain to set down a new pattern and become comfortable with it.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>8. <em>Listen when others speak.</em></strong> Instead of getting defensive and assuming everything is a criticism, allow other people to help you recognize certain ways you could improve. Unless the person is downright mean and nasty, listen to them. You may think they're putting you down when they're really trying to lift you up. </p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>9. <em>Remember that relationships have to be a win-win.</em></strong> <em>If one of you loses in a relationship, you both do. Always trying to "win" an argument is only going to cause more hurt.</em> For example, when a woman's husband doesn't want her to stay at home with their kids, I tell her to say how much more relaxed, loving, and available she's going to be, and that she's impressed with him as a man even though it's going to be a little scary without the extra income. That way it's a win-win: he feels elevated and so does she. If you can't fix it so both of you feel like you've won something, then put the issue away and come back to it another day.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>10. <em>Believe in yourself.</em></strong> You have to believe that you actually can change. Trying is no good - you have to do it!</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>11. </strong><em><strong>Remind yourself that you want this</strong>.</em> You either want to be a better person or you don't. It's that simple. </p>Staff2013-04-04T16:27:00ZVideo: Honor Her MemoryStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Honor-Her-Memory/172430491957458966.html2013-04-02T21:42:00Z2013-04-02T21:42:00Z<p>As a parent, there is no greater pain than losing a child. How can one stop grieving and start living again? Watch:</p>
<p><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/zKZJ7X42LKg" height="349"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-04-02T21:42:00ZHelping Teens with Their Mental HealthStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Helping-Teens-with-Their-Mental-Health/4037277542502269.html2013-04-01T15:13:00Z2013-04-01T15:13:00Z<p>Therapy doesn't come without resistance, especially when you're dealing with a teenager. It can be very difficult to get a teen on board with therapy because there's usually a lot of defensiveness. I want to discuss a handful of <a href="http://parentingteens.about.com/od/parentingtroubledteens/a/10-Reasons-Troubled-Teens-Resist-Treatment.htm" target="_blank">reasons</a> why teens resist treatment:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><strong>1. <em>Social stigma.</em></strong><em> </em> Anything associated with therapy or mental health issues is a little bit of a taboo. Kids worry about people pointing their fingers and saying they're crazy. </p>
<p><strong>2. <em>Rebelliousness.</em></strong><em> </em> No matter what you suggest, some kids will just go against you because you're an authority figure to knock heads with. </p>
<p><strong>3. <em>Poor insight.</em> </strong> <em>Teenagers have a limited capacity to look at themselves honestly or realistically.</em> They often don't understand how their behavior or problems are affecting them.</p>
<p><strong>4. <em>Fear. </em></strong> <em>They're afraid of being "crazy," that others will perceive them as such, or that they can't get better.</em> They also may be scared to death of <em>having to take a deeper look at themselves or their problems.</em></p>
<p><strong>5. <em>Embarrassment.</em> </strong> They're embarrassed that they can't straighten themselves out, and therefore, <em>accepting help from others can be difficult.</em></p>
<p><strong>6. </strong><em> Facing their problems may be too painful or overwhelming. </em></p>
<p><strong>7. <em>Misconceptions.</em></strong><em> Most teens don't know how psychotherapy works, and they're worried about what will happen if they admit to things. They don't know that the therapist cannot give their parents the information (therapist-patient laws prohibit that, even with minors).</em></p>
<p><strong>8. <em>Concealment.</em></strong> They don't want to admit that they're hiding something - cutting, abusing drugs, etc. </p>
<p><strong>9. <em>Holding on.</em></strong><em> This is what my book, Bad Childhood - Good Life</em>, is all about. They're holding on to the drugs or other habit. They've become so dependent on a way of thinking and behaving that it has become their identity. They're scared to death of giving up their self-protective mechanism of hiding from reality because it means they will be stripped naked in their own mind, and that's pretty scary. </p>
<p><strong>10. <em>Unworthiness.</em></strong><em> Some kids get so beaten down and depressed that they don't feel like they're worth much or that anyone would care about them. </em></p>
</blockquote>
<p>So, those are some of the main reasons kids resist treatment. But the question still remains: How do I get my child to attend therapy?</p>
<p>First off, <em><strong>don't trap them.</strong></em> For example, don't say you're going to the mall and then drop them off at a therapist's office. That doesn't work well. There are two really good techniques I have always suggested to parents:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><strong>1. <em>Make it a team effort.</em> </strong> Say something like, "You know, you and I have been fighting a lot lately, and there's just so little happiness in the house. So, I'm thinking if you and I went into counseling together, maybe a therapist could help us sort all this stuff out and make things better. You'll be happier and you'll be able to do all the things you used to enjoy and probably miss. I'm not sure how to make things better myself, but a therapist could help us work it out." That way it's not, "You wacked-out kid, I'm putting you in therapy because I can't stand it anymore." Make it about how "we" - you <em>and </em>me - can't figure it out and that you need to get somebody who can help. <br /> <br /><strong>2. <em>Make a definitive statement </em></strong>(e.g. "I'm going to schedule the appointment so we can sort it out together") and then <strong><em>talk about it in the days before the appointment.</em></strong> For example, say, "Are you a little nervous about the therapy? Because I am." If you tell your kid that you're having apprehension about the therapist saying you didn't do everything right, they are going to look at you and think, "All right, this is more even-steven. It's not only about me." The fact that you are both feeling discomfort will be comforting to them. </p>
</blockquote>
<p>When they start therapy, tell your child you want them to go to four sessions, and then after that, you, your child, and the therapist will discuss if there is more to do. During the first session, your teen will usually be angry. I remember I used to have so many kids come in to my office and just sit there and glare at me for an hour: "Is it over yet?!"..."Is it over yet?!"... The second time they come in, there will typically be a little less anger and more movement toward talking about their pain. At that point, a good therapist will say, "You know, last week you were pretty angry about having to be here, and I don't blame you." The kid is immediately going to be surprised: "She doesn't blame me?!" Being forced to do something you really don't want to do and open up to a stranger about very painful things (which you <em>really </em>don't want to do), is hard. However, a good therapist will make your teen feel like they're not being forced to do any of that, and instead, simply help them be happier and figure out their parents better. Slowly but surely, by the third and fourth sessions things will be less forced and more about reducing the pain. </p>
<p>While your child is in therapy, the family has to be very supportive at home. They should never ask what happened in therapy - that's none of their darned business! Instead, it should be all about subtle reinforcement (e.g. "You seem more creative and relaxed right now, and I think that's wonderful"). Remember: a hug and a kiss can go a long way.</p>Staff2013-04-01T15:13:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/214126252901932539.html2013-03-29T07:00:00Z2013-03-29T07:00:00Z<p><em>Easter spells out beauty, the rare beauty of new life.</em></p>
<p>Samuel Dickey Gordon<br />Lecturer and author of devotional books<br />1859-1936<br /><br /><br />Happy Easter this Sunday, March 31.<br /><br /><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/crocus.jpg" alt="" width="508" height="337" /></p>Staff2013-03-29T07:00:00ZListen Up, Ladies! Ten Reasons to Ditch a GuyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Listen-Up,-Ladies!-Ten-Reasons-to-Ditch-a-Guy/548511420891639786.html2013-03-28T07:00:00Z2013-03-28T07:00:00ZIn general, people say you shouldn’t pass judgment on others. Well actually, when it comes to dating, you should. When you date, you’re supposed to discern what is good, bad, right, wrong, healthy, and unhealthy about a person. You need to know when to pull the plug because if you don’t, you’re going to experience misery, anguish, and frustration, and waste a hell of a lot of time. <br /><br />Although I could discuss the topic both ways, I’m going to focus on the ladies. Here are 10 reasons to ditch a guy:<br /><br /><em><strong>Reason #1: He’s base when talking about women</strong></em><br />You know the music where the singer calls women “hos”? That sort of thing. If he leers, acts snotty, calls women “bitches,” or worse, it’s not a good plan to be dating him because his disrespect for women in general also includes you. <br /><br /><strong><em>Reason #2: He’s a momma’s boy</em></strong><br />Relationships are filled with enough decisions to be worked out between the two of you – it doesn’t need to be the three of you. <em>If his mom handpicks everything from his career path to his apartment, take caution. </em> I assure you my son’s apartment was definitely not selected or decorated by his mother (even if his taste is, as I like to say, “Eclectic”). <br /><br /><em><strong>Reason #3: He’s primarily interested in himself</strong></em><br />If everything is about<em> his</em> opinions,<em> his</em> concerns, and<em> his</em> dreams, or he likes to hear himself talk, then he’s not really interested in you to any great depth. You’re just a window dressing on his life. <br /><br /><em><strong>Reason #4: He has addiction issues</strong></em><br />If he has had any trouble with<em> drugs, gambling, or alcohol</em>, don’t even bother. <em>That often requires a whole lifetime of management and counseling.</em> Instead of marrying into it, go to school and get a license to be a clinical social worker – that way at least you’ll get paid to do it. <br /><br /><em><strong>Reason #5: He’s not honest and/or trustworthy</strong></em><br />Now, I’m not talking about him saying, “Of course I enjoy your cooking,” and then going out to get a taco when he says he’s putting gas in the car. That’s what we call telling a “white lie” in order to avoid hurting your feelings. I’m talking about major things: He says he has never been convicted of a felony and you find out he’s got a rap sheet, or he swears he doesn’t have an STD and then you end up with a little surprise. Big lies like, “I’ve never been married before,” or, “No, I don’t have kids,” <em>set the foundation for a lack of trust, and if you can’t trust your man, you’re in store for a lifetime of anxiety, frustration, and big-time drama. </em><br /><br /><em><strong>Reason #6: He’s negative</strong></em><br />You know the type: <em>He doesn’t like his job, thinks everyone on the road is an idiot, and pouts about nothing ever going his way.</em> Everybody has bouts of negativity (I know I do), but <em>dealing with a constantly negative person is draining.</em> It will eventually drag you – and the relationship – down. If you’ve got a guy who is negative all the time, dump him. <br /><br /><strong><em>Reason #7: He’s got Peter Pan Syndrome</em></strong><br />Guys like this seem charming because they act like kids or perpetual teenagers. However, unless a guy can take <em>emotional and fiscal responsibility</em>, you don’t have yourself a real man. <br /><br /><em><strong>Reason #8: He lacks ambition</strong></em><br />This funnels from reason #7. He needs to have a goal – any<em> type of goal.</em> Life is a challenge, and if you don’t want somebody who isn’t going to protect and provide for you, don’t stay with someone who has no passion or ambition. A guy who gets fired and then sits back and doesn’t look for a job isn’t the kind of man you want. If he’s got a “why bother” attitude about life, you should have a “why bother” attitude about him. <br /><br /><em><strong>Reason #9: He’s a cheater</strong></em><br />Life is short. The last thing you want to do is spend your time worrying about who your guy is in bed with. I think there should be a one-strike law: If you’ve made a promise to each other that you’re not going to date other people anymore and he strays, dump him. Don’t accept any excuses. <br /><br /><em><strong>Reason #10: He isn’t good boyfriend material</strong></em><br />Though somebody may look good on paper, if they don’t mesh very well with your lifestyle, family, or friends, you don’t want to have a future with them. Otherwise, it’s going to be a lifetime of dealing with them not bothering or caring, and making a mess when they can’t fit in. <br /><a href="http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=13124&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=1381809" target="_blank"><br />http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=13124&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=1381809</a><br />Staff2013-03-28T07:00:00ZVideo: My Daughter Keeps Returning to Her Addict HusbandStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-My-Daughter-Keeps-Returning-to-Her-Addict-Husband/-336430490168450218.html2013-03-26T16:32:00Z2013-03-26T16:32:00Z<p>What can a parent do when an adult child chooses poorly, but creates a beautiful grandchild? This grandmother doesn't know what to do when her daughter keeps returning to her addict husband, creating a destructive home life for her granddaughter. You know I've got an opinion on this! Watch:</p>
<p><iframe src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/WHjnIDwfxeU" frameborder="0" height="349" width="560"></iframe></p>
<p>Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2013-03-26T16:32:00ZTen Small Changes to Be a Healthier and Happier MomStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Ten-Small-Changes-to-Be-a-Healthier-and-Happier-Mom/777551382388446739.html2013-03-25T14:47:00Z2013-03-25T14:47:00Z<p>Being a mom is tough. I remember when my son was a baby, survival was the only thing on my mind. Even though they're cute and you love them to death, infants and toddlers can tire you out and even put you in a bad mood. Here's a <a href="http://www.foxnews.com/health/2013/01/07/10-simple-ways-to-be-healthier-mom/#ixzz2LZKJk3Da" target="_blank">list</a> of 10 small changes you can make in order to be a healthier, happier mom:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>1. <em>Cut the caffeine.</em></strong><em> Coffee might keep you going, but your caffeine addiction</em> - yes it's a chemical addiction - <em>can dehydrate you</em> (it makes you pee more) <em>and cause you to feel jittery or anxious. This is not a good thing when you're already stressed out with a kid.</em> Have one, maybe two cups a day, but that's it. <em>For the rest of the day, sip decaf, herbal teas, or just plain water. That way, you'll stay hydrated and energized.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>2. <em>Have sex.</em></strong><em> </em>A lot of new moms call my show complaining that they are too tired or don't feel like having sex, as though it's a terrible obligation or assignment. However, with all the crazy hormonal changes you're going through, sex might be just the solution. Sex is therapeutic. <em>Orgasms release oxytocin, endorphins, and DHEA, which create positive emotions, release tension, improve mood, and give your immune system a boost.</em> In addition, <em>sex does wonders for that post-pregnancy belly pooch because it strengthens the pelvic floor and the lower abs.</em> Forget the apple - sex a day keeps the doctor away. </p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>3. <em>Get sleep.</em></strong><em> Sixty percent of moms say sleep is their primary challenge. Are you having trouble falling asleep?</em> I suggest 10 minutes of yoga, prayer, or meditation before going to bed. <em>If you find it really hard to shut off your brain at night, keep a journal on your nightstand and before you go to sleep, jot down your to-do list for the next day.</em> Anything that is worrying you, write it down. By getting it on paper, you can say to yourself, "It's taken care of, now I can sleep."</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>4. <em>Eat breakfast.</em></strong><em> It's the first meal</em> (you are "breaking the fast"), <em>and it sets the tone for the rest of the day.</em> You need to put food in your belly <em>within a half hour of waking up to rev up your metabolism and get your brain going.</em> Aim for a mix of protein and fiber, such as yogurt with fresh fruit or oatmeal with berries and almonds.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>5. <em>Don't set unrealistic goals.</em></strong><em> </em>Don't overload your brain with 40 million things you think you need to get done. You won't stick to what you can't do. For example, instead of looking at exercise in terms of weight-loss, approach it in terms of endurance. When you start off, it may take you an hour to go around the neighborhood. A week later it may take 58 minutes, and then the next week 56 minutes, etc. That kind of observation is better than stepping on a scale and getting demoralized.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>6. <em>Listen to music.</em></strong><em> </em>Just like Mother Laura has been saying for years, a recent scientific review published in the journal <em>Nutrition</em> reports that <em>listening to music strengthens immunity, digestion, and pain perception, reduces the incidence of heart failure, and even improves recovery time after a strenuous workout. So, load up your iPod with the kind of music that makes you feel good.</em> For me, that's Motown. When the music comes on, my mind immediately goes blank and I'm just movin'. </p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>7. <em>Cut out the packaged foods.</em> </strong> Eating any kind of food that can last a long time on the shelf makes you live a shorter amount of time. Instead of packaged snacks, eat real food. <em>No antibiotics, hormones, chemicals, or added sugar.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>8. <em>Snack smart.</em></strong><em> </em>There are times when I get out a teaspoon of peanut butter, lay it in my mouth, and just let it melt (if you have to talk, I don't recommend doing this). It keeps my blood sugar up, and it's a good source of protein.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>9. <em>Make your workouts work for you.</em> </strong> With little kids, you may not have time for a half hour or hour workout, but you can break it up into 5-10 minute increments throughout the day. Or get up earlier. When my son, Deryk, was little, I used to ride him around in a seat on my bicycle. I rode him to the park and he'd play, and then we'd get back on the bike and go back. I also took him to the mall. This worked great: like one of those wind-up toys, I'd set him down, face him in the direction I wanted him to go, and let go. He would run forward and I would do my little shuffle run behind him. It's amazing how you can get exercise by doing simple things like this (of course you get tired and they don't!). You can get a good 20 minutes in just by chasing your kid around the mall (if they like to run in a straight line and you don't take your eyes off them).</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>10. <em>Stop stressing.</em></strong> Exercise, meditate, or do something fun with your husband. Whether it's sex or playing a board game, you need to have some fun before you go to bed.</p>Staff2013-03-25T14:47:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-790033106739476314.html2013-03-22T07:00:00Z2013-03-22T07:00:00Z<p><em>This is our purpose: to make as meaningful as possible this life that has been bestowed upon us; to live in such a way that we may be proud of ourselves; to act in such a way that some part of us lives on.</em></p>
<p>Oswald Spengler<br />German historian and philosopher of history<br />1880-1936</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/man_on_pier.jpg" alt="" width="506" height="337" /></p>Staff2013-03-22T07:00:00ZHow to Cure the Navel-Gazing EpidemicStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Cure-the-Navel-Gazing-Epidemic/-48874816626898915.html2013-03-21T15:41:00Z2013-03-21T15:41:00ZNarcissism is one of the biggest dangers today, especially with kids. Parents are doing everything they can to rescue their kids from their own laziness and failures. They hand out trophies when they lose and tell them they’re wonderful no matter what. However, the only thing they’re doing is fostering empty self-esteem. <br /><br />Many people don’t realize there’s a big difference between wanting something and deserving it. They think, "I deserve something because I want it," as opposed to, "I deserve something because I earned it." And when it comes to self-esteem, their attitude is no different.<br /><br />A lot of callers come on my show saying that the reason they make bad choices is because they have low self-esteem. However, they have it backwards: it’s because they make poor choices that they lack esteem for themselves. Self-respect requires effort. <br /><br />About six months ago, a Pakistani girl named Malala Yousafzai was shot multiple times by a Taliban gunman on the way home from school because she stood up for women’s education. She was taken to Britain and a brilliant team of surgeons saved her life. Her face looks a bit numb and she has a hard time talking, but she can use her arms and walk. This girl is a hero and inspiration to us all. Why? Because she earned it. She bravely took a public stand in a region where it’s very dangerous to do so. <br /><br />Self-respect doesn’t just happen by virtue of being born or because you’re breathing - you have to earn it by what you do. I can’t believe that people actually expect themselves and their children to feel respect for themselves when they haven’t earned it. <br /><br />So, how can we adjust this narcissistic attitude? <br /><br />It all starts with the parents. First off, I think every parent who allows their child to have their own personal, private Facebook or Twitter account is being negligent. It gives kids a false sense of who they are in the world, and they have only one way to go from there - down and out. According to a brilliant <a href="http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2013/01/08/are-raising-generation-deluded-narcissists/?test=latestnews&intcmp=features#ixzz2HV6CQ8Tm" target="_blank">essay</a> by Dr. Keith Ablow, Facebook introduces kids to a world of fantasy which artificially makes them feel special, mature, powerful, and important. But ultimately the bubble bursts and the fake autobiography explodes. They end up depressed and either kill themselves or someone else.<br /><br />The rule also applies to television and cell phones. Your kids should barely watch TV and only if you pick out the programs. They shouldn’t have a cell phone, but if they do, it should be an old-style phone that only allows them to make calls (not text!) in case of an emergency. <br /><br />In addition, parents need to cease being weenies and start being leaders in their homes. Women have to stop dumping their kids in institutionalized day care so they can go off and "esteem themselves" by working. Furthermore, there are too many unhappy and lonely children as a result of divorced parents who are either too bored or too invested in some new guy or gal to be giving and loving. Not only does it destroy children’s homes, but it also opens the door for pedophiles who prey on neglected, lonely kids with inattentive parents. <br /><br />Let’s make fewer excuses (e.g. "We’re too busy and tired," "All the other kids are doing it," "You can’t control it," etc.), and parent more. <br />Staff2013-03-21T15:41:00ZVideo: My Husband Rewards Our Son's Bad BehaviorStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-My-Husband-Rewards-Our-Sons-Bad-Behavior/-787302664445900418.html2013-03-19T16:22:00Z2013-03-19T16:22:00Z<p>Your spouse cannot see when your child exhibits bad behavior -- ever! How can you open their eyes? I've got an idea. Watch:</p>
<iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/eb-4NQ19MTI" height="349"></iframe><br /><br />Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a>Staff2013-03-19T16:22:00ZHas Courtship Jumped the Shark?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Has-Courtship-Jumped-the-Shark/657924172553240445.html2013-03-18T07:00:00Z2013-03-18T07:00:00ZCourtship, for the most part, doesn't exist anymore. Men today are either very crass in how they treat women, or they have been completely emasculated. I'm so frustrated by the lack of masculinity in our society, which, in my opinion, was ripped away by the feminist movement. Feminism taught women that they needed men for nothing - holding a door or pulling out a chair became unacceptable, let alone providing and protecting. <br /> <br />As a result, men no longer think women should be placed on pedestals. Instead, they only consider how fast they can get them on their backs with their knees up. That's what feminism has done for women: it's made them target practice for penises. <br /><br />The decline of courtship has been a total disaster. Individuals forever avoid becoming adults or lack any sense of well-being in their lives. Life has absolutely zero meaning if you're not living for someone else. In addition, our children suffer. We used to think motherhood was as American as apple pie, but not anymore. Women drop their responsibilities as mothers and put their kids in day care for the sake of being equal and doing it all.<br /><br /><strong>Leon R. Kass</strong> wrote a very brilliant essay titled, "The End of Courtship," which is as critical and despondent about what has happened as I am. <a href="http://www.ldolphin.org/endcourtship.html" target="_blank">Read it here</a>. <br /><br /><br />Staff2013-03-18T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/571556780990074004.html2013-03-15T14:07:00Z2013-03-15T14:07:00Z<p><em>May you always be blessed </em><br /><em>With walls for the wind,</em><br /><em>A roof for the rain,</em><br /><em>A warm cup of tea by the fire,</em><br /><em>Laughter to cheer you,</em><br /><em>Those you love near you</em><br /><em>And all that your heart might desire.</em></p>
<p>Irish blessing</p>
<p>Happy St. Patrick's Day this Sunday, March 17th.</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/irish_cottage.jpg" alt="" width="490" height="349" /></p>Staff2013-03-15T14:07:00ZWhat I Wish I'd Known in SchoolStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-I-Wish-Id-Known-in-School/-782492650440413227.html2013-03-14T18:24:00Z2013-03-14T18:24:00Z<p>Being a kid can be tough, especially when it comes to school. Here is a <a href="http://ysn.com/10-things-i-wish-someone-had-told-me-while-i-was-a-student/" target="_blank">list of 10 things</a> most of us wish someone had told us while we were students:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em><strong>1. The most popular and highest achieving kids in school are NOT always the most successful in the real world. </strong> Success in the academic bubble does not necessarily translate to success in work and real life. </em> While you're in school, take heart and stay focused because slow and steady wins the race.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em><strong>2. Just because you're not part of the "cool crowd" doesn't mean you're not cool or unique. </strong></em> I remember one time just before Christmas break, I was walking out of a chemistry exam and a guy in my class who rarely spoke to me came up and said, "It must be wonderful to be like you and not get nervous about big tests like this." I looked at him and laughed. I said, "What the heck are you talking about? I'm a wreck just like everyone else." It just goes to show you that not only is perception in the eye of the beholder, but it's also not always on target. The reason I seemed composed going into exams was that I developed a "leapfrog focus" (i.e. "When the exam is over, I'm going to see a movie/have hot chocolate/etc.), but that didn't mean I wasn't a nervous wreck. I'm amused at how we can all look at each other and think something is true when it isn't. Everyone has feelings, insecurities, ambitions, and dreams that aren't apparent on the surface. </p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong><em>3. The smartest, most interesting, and most creative people usually aren't the most socially comfortable or interested.</em></strong> <em>It's the least popular, most focused kids who become the most influential and successful. They're the ones thinking day in and day out about the big things they're going to do with their lives.</em> So if you're one of them, don't worry. And if you're not, don't be mean to them. You never know who's going to be signing your paycheck or be in a position to help you down the line. As they say, nerds rule.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong><em>4. Being different is actually good.</em></strong> In the adolescent and post-adolescent years, there's a lot of pressure to conform to the group, agree to their rules, and dress, talk, and behave a certain way. It's a matter of belonging. However, <em>even though there's a lot of pressure to fit in and be like everyone else, you can get to the point where you lose sight of who you are at a time when you're supposed to be discovering yourself.</em> Therefore, <em>being like everyone else is in direct conflict with what you really need. </em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong><em>5. Pursue what you love regardless of what people say.</em></strong> You have to remember that people in school are painfully limited in their perspective on the world. <em>Whatever it is that you're really into, that you want to stay up late reading about, or you're thinking about when you should be focusing on a lecture or studying may be the key to what you build your life and career around.</em> Don't ignore your passion. It doesn't matter if anybody else thinks it's stupid - it's <em>your </em>passion.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong><em>6. Extracurricular activities and internships are sometimes more important than academics. </em></strong><em>Interacting with the outside world gives you invaluable experiences. The more you interact with adults, businesses, community groups and execs, the more comfortable you'll be networking with them when you need a loan, a job, advice on your career, admission to grad school, etc.</em> Get outside the bubble of school and build a network.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong><em>7. Courses and majors in school do not necessarily correlate to opportunities in the real world. </em></strong> I laugh at some of the majors colleges have, such as "Women's Studies" or "Communication Studies." What the heck are you going to do with those?! Some of these degrees simply aren't pragmatic in the real world.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong><em>8. Teachers and professors are not the enemy.</em></strong> Consider them as mentors and friends. Talk to them often for advice and counsel. Ask them for extra help, perspective, or just to go over something again. When I was a professor, I really appreciated the students who came around and wanted to learn more. </p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong><em>9. Your parents and family usually have your best interests at heart.</em></strong> <em>They may not always understand why you do some of the things you do, but give them the benefit of the doubt. Don't make life harder on your folks. The better your relationship is with your parents, the easier life is going to be.</em> Period. You need family. </p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em><strong>10. Life is complicated - get used to it. </strong></em> Consider all the frustrations you're going through now as training for the really big stuff later. <em>Learn to deal with conflict, confusion, challenges, and tackling things you don't like or understand</em> in school because adulthood is a much more dangerous atmosphere. Develop the coping skills you'll need for the rest of your life. The biggest war is not with your teachers or your parents, but the one you have with yourself over who and what you're going to be and what you'll stand for.</p>Staff2013-03-14T18:24:00ZVideo: Silly, Selfish and Cheated While We DatedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Silly,-Selfish-and-Cheated-While-We-Dated/447897806180577024.html2013-03-12T18:47:00Z2013-03-12T18:47:00Z<p>You and your ex-boyfriend are flirting with the idea of getting back together. However, there's just one problem: before you broke up, you cheated on him and he still doesn't know. Should you tell him? Watch:</p>
<iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Eyg4LZSY2yg" height="349"></iframe><br /><br />Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a>Staff2013-03-12T18:47:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-426586340193391611.html2013-03-08T13:44:00Z2013-03-08T13:44:00Z<p><em>I'm late, I'm late</em><br /><em>For a very important date</em><br /><em>No time to say "Hello, Goodbye"</em><br /><em>I'm late, I'm late, I'm late</em></p>
<p><br />White Rabbit<br /><em>From the movie "Alice in Wonderland" (1951)</em><br /><br />Don't be late! Remember to turn your clocks <strong>ahead one hour </strong>this weekend as we move to Daylight Saving Time in most parts of the country.</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/pocketwatch.jpg" alt="" width="372" height="449" /></p>Staff2013-03-08T13:44:00ZWhy You Should Keep Striving in LifeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-You-Should-Keep-Striving-in-Life/812343942774390300.html2013-03-08T00:06:00Z2013-03-08T00:06:00Z<p>All of us suffer from a phenomenon known as the <em><a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/04/science/study-in-science-shows-end-of-history-illusion.html?src=me&ref=general&_r=0" target="_blank">"end of history illusion"</a>. Essentially, we tend to underestimate how much we will change in the future.</em> For example, everyone looks back and thinks, "I can't believe I did those stupid things"; "I can't believe I was so wrong/silly/impulsive"; "I can't believe I really liked that food/hobby/band"; "If I only knew then what I know now..."</p>
<p>Although most people acknowledge that their lives have changed even in the past decade, they generally underestimate the extent to which their personalities and tastes will shift in the future. We like to concentrate on our present wonderfulness and think that the person we are at the moment is who we'll be forever. Yet, change is inevitable and change is constant. You're never going to be the person you expect to become for the rest of your life (unless it's one second before your death). </p>
<p>However, I think there is an even more important reason why people don't accept how different they'll be in the future: "If I am going to change, it implies I'm not so terrific now."</p>
<p>I choose not to look at it that way. Instead of seeing yourself as someone with a bunch of flaws to correct, I think it's a better attitude to consider the changes as opportunities for growth. You're expanding your horizons and having new adventures. As I mentioned on-air, I was a little unhappy about turning 66. It just seemed old to me. However, I decided that instead of this being my slide down, it was going to be my slide up. Recently, I've been doing a lot of work with metal and jewelry for my <a href="/f/designs" target="_blank">Dr. Laura Designs</a> store. My motivation is to keep learning how to use new tools and master different techniques (sometimes I drive myself so crazy that I have to close the door of my craft room and watch a movie to get my brain to leave me alone for a minute). I keep myself in a constant state of learning with my crafts, program, and life in general. <br /> <br />It's also important to accept that you're never going to be perfect. When I'm filing a piece of metal, it seems like a never-ending process. I do my best to file away all the tiny imperfections, but no matter how much I file, it's never going to be perfect on a molecular level. However, I don't stop trying - I just accept that it won't be perfect. Striving for perfection without accepting that there isn't any is neurotic.</p>
<p>I think that's the best mentality to have in life: accept that you'll never be perfect, but keep putting your best effort forward. We will all die one day and we still won't be perfect. However, instead of sliding down the ladder because we feel like it's no use, we need to keep going up. As long as there are still steps on that ladder, we need to climb them.</p>Staff2013-03-08T00:06:00ZVideo: I'm Burned-Out on LifeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Im-Burned-Out-on-Life/-186930982278591363.html2013-03-05T20:45:00Z2013-03-05T20:45:00Z<p>Having a marriage, family, household responsibilities, pets, and, on top of that, a demanding job can cause quite a bit of stress. How can someone under all this pressure revitalize their life? Watch:</p>
<iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/lWAFT35_10U" height="349"></iframe><br /><br />Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a>
<div id="_mcePaste" class="mcePaste" style="position: absolute; width: 1px; height: 1px; overflow: hidden; top: 0px; left: -10000px;"></div>Staff2013-03-05T20:45:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-762637806746661637.html2013-03-01T08:00:00Z2013-03-01T08:00:00Z<p><em>What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?</em><br /><br /><br />George Eliot<br />(pen name of Mary Ann Evans)<br />19th century English novelist</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/older_lovers.jpg" alt="" width="351" height="488" /></p>Staff2013-03-01T08:00:00ZRekindling the Bedroom FlameStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Rekindling-the-Bedroom-Flame/-586626786200253538.html2013-02-28T20:54:00Z2013-02-28T20:54:00Z<p>Sex doesn't just happen like it does in the movies. People are not always swept away with fireworks and mutual orgasms. Instead, human beings have to learn how to make love. Unlike dogs, cats, birds, and other animals that have sex as an instinctive joining for procreation, for humans it's a learned behavior.</p>
<p>When people look at porn or read romance novels (the female version of porn), they think that's how sex is supposed to be. However, it takes time to get to know each other's bodies and communicate (which is usually the part people don't do). Oftentimes, couples feel embarrassed or think certain things are taboo.</p>
<p>This is where sex therapy comes in. Most people believe that something has to be broken in order for them to go to sex therapy. However, the first thing you should know is that you don't have to wait until there's a sexual problem in your relationship before you get help. After many years of habits forming and walls going up, certain feelings and behaviors get entrenched and often become hard to reverse. A lot of divorces could be avoided if people dealt with these things sooner.</p>
<p>There are all kinds of events and experiences which get in the way of people feeling comfortable, relaxed, and open. If there's a medical issue (cancer treatment, surgical procedure, physical disability, etc.), a history of sexual abuse or rape, or perhaps lovemaking has simply slipped from your schedule, sex therapy can help with a number of areas.</p>
<p>The goal is to talk about your feelings, thoughts, and fantasies with your spouse and put them out there for the therapist to examine. If a guy is too quick to the draw or a woman can't seem to be able to reach an orgasm, these kinds of issues can be addressed openly and honestly. It's all about sexual and emotional enhancement, and having some fun too!</p>
<p>Now let me dispel one fear right off the bat. When you go to sex therapy, you don't have sex in the office. Some people think, "Oh my gosh, are we going to have to get naked and do stuff in front of the therapist?!" No, you don't. And by the way, if you do go to somebody who tells you to get naked and do things, get out of there and report them.</p>
<p>If you're not feeling satisfied, if you're dealing with erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation, if you want to experiment but your spouse doesn't (or vice versa), if painful issues from your past are interring, or if you feel like infidelity is the only answer, then you and your spouse should see a sex therapist.</p>
<p>That being said, not all sexual issues require therapy. I have <a href="http://www.davidyarian.com/articles/ten-myths-about-sex-that-can-wreck-your-relationship.htm" target="_blank">some tips</a> for you and your spouse to try first:</p>
<p><em>In the beginning of a terrific relationship, most people are in the mood most of the time.</em> But with careers, kids, and the house, life becomes busy with demands and responsibilities. People underestimate the importance of hugging, touching, and loving on a daily basis. <strong>You need to make time for each other.</strong> <em> Be sure to talk about something more than what bills need to be paid or what has to happen tomorrow. </em></p>
<p><em>When you've made time together,<strong> it's important not to expect that you will both be aroused and filled with desire immediately.</strong></em> In addition, don't stick to a formula. For example, "I do this same thing to turn him/her on and then we go to sleep" isn't romantic. Playful interaction is important. Think about it as improvisational jazz or a dance: make it spontaneous and have some fun with it.</p>
<p>Moreover,<em><strong> don't make the orgasm the be-all, end-all.</strong> It's been calculated that we spend eight hours of our lives in orgasm.</em> That's not a lot of time. Having an orgasm is great, but it's not necessarily the point. Your focus should be on the amount of time spent lovemaking or else you'll miss out on a lot of fun.</p>
<p>Most importantly, <strong>communication is the best way to get positive feedback. </strong> <em>When you go to an expensive restaurant, you take time with the menu, you discuss the possibilities, you savor every bite, you share from each other's plates, and you talk about the meal afterwards - the presentation, the flavors, the sauces, the ingredients, etc.</em> Do the same with sex (e.g. "I love it when you touch me exactly like that."). <em>Talking about sex does not take the romance away, and in fact, giving feedback to your partner about what you find pleasurable is a wonderful gift because then he or she knows they're not failing. </em></p>Staff2013-02-28T20:54:00ZVideo: My Teen Left My Toddler Alone in the HotelStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-My-Teen-Left-My-Toddler-Alone-in-the-Hotel/983915697128618057.html2013-02-26T23:44:00Z2013-02-26T23:44:00Z<p>As a parent, what should you do regarding your teen having a gross lack of judgment? Watch:</p>
<iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/J5_wgKpB1K8" height="349"></iframe><br /><br />Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a>
<div id="_mcePaste" class="mcePaste" style="position: absolute; width: 1px; height: 1px; overflow: hidden; top: 0px; left: -10000px;"></div>Staff2013-02-26T23:44:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-832351907410780067.html2013-02-22T00:54:00Z2013-02-22T00:54:00Z<p><em>Be not simply good; be good for something.</em></p>
<p>Henry David Thoreau<br />American author, naturalist and philosopher<br />1817 - 1862</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/man_at_waters_edge.jpg" alt="" width="338" height="507" /></p>Staff2013-02-22T00:54:00ZHow to Make Healthy ChoicesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Make-Healthy-Choices/-691868040574628869.html2013-02-21T08:00:00Z2013-02-21T08:00:00ZA woman recently called my program wanting to know why she couldn't maintain a diet and exercise regime. I asked her, "Do you know the difference between you and a person who doesn't stop?" "No," she responded. "They don't stop," I said. <br /><br />There are two ways we make choices. The first way is <em>reflective</em>. In the moment, we are consciously aware of our actions and motivations, and we make a choice with a goal in mind. The other is <em>reflexive</em>. Similar to lower animals, we don't change our behavior because of the consequences; we don't stop to think at all really, we just do it like some kind of machine. For example, many people sit down with a plate of food and don't make choices about what's on the plate or how much of each thing they're eating - they just eat. <br /><br />Routine behaviors are very hard to control. However, the more you make things reflective and consciously parallel your behavior with your goals, the easier it will be for you to achieve them. <br /> <br />Last year, a man called my show who was struggling with pornography. Wherever he was - in his office, car, etc. - his reflex was to look at porn and masturbate. I told him to photocopy pictures of his wife and kids and put them on his cell phone, the visor of his car, and every computer he owned. I then said, "The next time you're preparing to masturbate to porn, look at the pictures of your family and make a choice. Do you want to have dignity as a husband and father, or do you want to do that?"<br /><br />He called me back a week later saying that when he reflected on it, he chose not to do it. When he <em>didn't </em>reflect on his actions, he grabbed for the porn and his parts. Taking the behavior from automatic to conscious was all about reflecting on the behavior and making a choice. <br /><br />Unfortunately, a lot of people want immediate gratification and do most things without thinking. <em>More than <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2012/10/18/health/automatic-behaviors-disease/index.html?hpt=he_c2" target="_blank">half of deaths</a> worldwide are due to four big diseases: cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and chronic respiratory disease. The main causes are smoking, overeating, excessive alcohol consumption, and sedentary lifestyles. It's estimated that 75 percent of diabetes and heart disease cases and 40 percent of cancers would be prevented by changing the behaviors that cause them. </em><br /><br />With all the information out there, you wouldn't think so many people would make such poor health choices. And yet, they do. Remember the ads with the woman smoking through a hole in her trachea? Remember the "this is your brain on drugs" commercials with the egg frying in the pan? Well, even after seeing these, people are still smoking and doing drugs. Personalizing the threat isn't enough. <br /><br />One time I asked a waitress in a restaurant if she thought the calorie counts printed on the menu affected people's decisions about what they ate. She candidly responded, "To fit people, yes. But to overweight people, the calorie count means nothing."<br /><br />The reason people don't make healthy choices simply comes down to the fact that they don't reflect on their decisions. Information by itself means nothing if you don't care. That's one explanation for why there are so many diet books on <em>The New York Times</em> best-seller list: people buy the books thinking that simply reading them will get them to change and when they don't, they move on to the next one. <br /><br />So the next time you sit down for a meal, reflect, "Is this what I should be eating? How much should I be eating? Which things on my plate should I toss?" Make a conscious effort to cut your portion size in half, and eventually, it will become habit to put less on your plate. As I have said time and again, it's all about character. Some people use theirs and others don't. <br /><br />What will you choose to do? <br />Staff2013-02-21T08:00:00ZVideo: Grandma's Ignoring My BabyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Grandmas-Ignoring-My-Baby/286048711826968633.html2013-02-19T20:31:00Z2013-02-19T20:31:00Z<p>What should you do when the grandparents seem to favor one sibling's baby over the other sibling's baby? Watch:</p>
<iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/FDD52NJw5Oo" height="349"></iframe><br /><br />Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a>
<div id="_mcePaste" class="mcePaste" style="position: absolute; width: 1px; height: 1px; overflow: hidden; top: 0px; left: -10000px;"></div>Staff2013-02-19T20:31:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-652249067168628931.html2013-02-15T08:00:00Z2013-02-15T08:00:00Z<p><em>The Presidency, even to the most experienced politicians is no bed of roses...</em><br /><em>No human being can fill that station and escape censure.</em><br /><br /><br />Abraham Lincoln<br />16th President of the United States<br />1809-1865<br /><em>From his eulogy on Zachary Taylor, July 25, 1850</em></p>
<p><img style="display: block;" src="/images/blog/abraham_lincoln.jpg" alt="" width="508" height="338" /></p>Staff2013-02-15T08:00:00ZHow to Be a Good Son-in-LawStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Be-a-Good-Son-in-Law/728730552351802403.html2013-02-14T20:13:00Z2013-02-14T20:13:00Z<p>Why is being a good son-in-law such a big deal? Well, <a href="http://www.tellinitlikeitis.net/2009/07/how-to-be-a-good-son-in-law-building-a-great-son-in-law-relationship-with-your-in-laws.html" target="_blank">statistically</a> speaking, we see a significant drop in the divorce rate when men get along with their wives' parents, especially their fathers. But even more importantly, it affects kids. <em>Grandparents are very important to a child's sense of well-being because they can add depth and security to the loving relationships in his or her life. The better your relationship is with your in-laws, the easier it is for your child to grow close with them and have more positive role models.</em> <br /> <br />For these reasons, I recommend that people think <em>seriously</em> about potential in-law problems before they consider marriage. If you're walking into a situation where your future in-laws hate you, you may want to rethink whether or not this match is right for you. </p>
<p>Losing family connections is bad for everyone involved, as I learned all too well from my own parents. My mother was a war bride from Italy, and my father was a nice Jewish boy from Brooklyn. My dad's mom did not like the fact that he had married outside the faith, even though the only thing Jewish about his family was that they were culturally Jewish and celebrated Passover and Yom Kippur. My mother also didn't speak English very well, which made my mean grandmother all the more vicious. She used to call up my mom almost daily saying how she wished my mother and me were dead. It was a source of great strife in my family.</p>
<p>The less familial the connection is with your in-laws, the less happy, secure, and supported your marriage is going to be. Period. That's why I advise couples to do at least six months of premarital counseling so they can cover these kinds of issues <em>before</em> they get married. <br /> <br />So, assuming your in-laws are reasonable people, here's a list of things for all you men out there on establishing a good relationship with your wife's parents:</p>
<ul>
<li><strong><em>Respect their daughter and take good care of her. </em></strong> I am not the mother of a daughter, but if I was, I'd be in the face of her future husband saying, "You'd better take care of my baby. Treat her with respect, love, and protection. The most important thing to me is that you don't hurt her and that you make her happy."</li>
<li><em><strong>Be there when their daughter needs you.</strong></em> I've heard too many stories about men who were too busy doing one dumb thing or another and missed the birth of their child. If you're not at the hospital with your wife when your baby is born, you'll be missing out on a lot of great parent-child bonding.</li>
<li><em><strong>Act and look like a respectable man.</strong></em> If you want to have a meaningful relationship with her parents, act like a real man. Don't look or behave like an idiot. </li>
<li><em><strong>Reach out to your father-in-law.</strong></em> <em>The relationship between a father and a daughter is special. It will mean a lot to your wife and your mother-in-law if you can build a relationship with your father-in-law. Find things that you have in common with him and go from there. Invite him to a ball game, go with him to a local event, or simply take him to lunch. </em>Just spend some "guy time" together.<em> And if you aren't married yet, be sure to ask for his daughter's hand in marriage before you pop the question. This is a show of respect that he will appreciate.</em></li>
<li><em><strong>Attend family gatherings and engage. </strong></em>Don't be frivolous about not attending family gatherings. <em>Unless it's unavoidable, never let your wife and kids go to a holiday gathering at her parents' house alone - you are missing a fantastic opportunity to build upon your relationship with your in-laws and the extended family through conversation and a shared experience.</em></li>
<li><em><strong>Build good relationships with their other children.</strong></em> Try to connect with your wife's siblings and their</li>
<li><em><strong>Consult with your wife on how to handle sticky situations.</strong></em> If it seems like there's a growing issue, consult with your wife. She knows her parents better than you do. If you think a situation is a little sensitive, ask her for advice on how to respond.</li>
</ul>
<p>Above all, treat their daughter like a queen and not like one of Henry VIII's wives you're going to behead. Simply put: be nice. It doesn't kill you to be nice, does it?</p>Staff2013-02-14T20:13:00ZVideo: Is My Friend Taking Advantage of Me?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Is-My-Friend-Taking-Advantage-of-Me/-876640608218426347.html2013-02-12T21:39:00Z2013-02-12T21:39:00Z<p>Friends usually help each other out in different ways. But what if you agreed to help out your friend and now feel you are being taken advantage of? Watch:</p>
<iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/8hj0SiQS2iI" height="349"></iframe><br /><br />Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a>
<div id="_mcePaste" class="mcePaste" style="position: absolute; width: 1px; height: 1px; overflow: hidden; top: 0px; left: -10000px;"></div>Staff2013-02-12T21:39:00ZHey Baby, What's Your Credit Score?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Hey-Baby,-Whats-Your-Credit-Score/-273070538751318096.html2013-02-11T17:18:00Z2013-02-11T17:18:00ZI believe the answer to having a happy, long-lasting marriage is relatively simple:<br /><br />First, <strong>no two people between the ages of 20 and 40 should date without having met each other's families.</strong> The man especially should meet the girl's family and convince her father (hopefully there is one in the house) that he is a worthy competitor for his daughter's hand. Young women these days are far too immodest and free with their minds, bodies, and souls to have good sense about what they're doing. We don't call it being slutty anymore - we call it "hooking up." We ought to go back to the days where a young man had to convince a girl's family that he was worthy to court their daughter.<br /><br />Second, <strong>all couples should spend six months in premarital counseling before they tie the knot.</strong> Roughly 20 percent of people who go through premarital counseling realize they're not a match, and the other 80 percent enjoy better marriages. <br /><br />What it really comes down to is <strong>choosing wisely.</strong> If you're not being treated well two years into the courtship, you should hit the eject button. <br /><br />There are many factors to choosing wisely. Men, for example, need to discern whether or not a woman is going to take care of their babies (i.e. suckling them at her breast and not farming out motherhood to a nanny or day care center). However, one quality that is constantly overlooked by both men and women is their date's credit score. <br /><br />Credit (especially for men but also for women) is an important attribute. There are now sites such as <a href="http://www.creditscoredating.com" target="_blank">creditscoredating.com</a> and <a href="http://www.datemycreditscore.com" target="_blank">datemycreditscore.com</a> which help people make sure they're connecting with somebody who isn't in debt or irresponsible with money. This is especially important for young people who may bring tens of thousands of dollars in student debt to a relationship.<br /> <br /><em>The New York Times</em> recently interviewed more than 50 daters under 40 from around the country and found that many of them regarded a good credit score as a prerequisite for a good date. No kidding. What is the point of being with someone who is totally irresponsible with money and can't support a family?<br /><br />As the <em>Times </em>reported, "It's a shorthand way to get a sense of someone's financial past the same way an S.T.D. test gives some information about a person's sexual past." Some people may think this vetting process goes too far, but I disagree. According to an article in <em>Time </em>magazine: <br /><br />"Landlords and lenders may look at your credit score to help determine if you are worth taking a chance on. Even employers may do a credit check on you. Why not a prospective mate? How you handle money says a lot about your ability to be organized and responsible. Why would anyone with options risk falling for someone likely to bring heavy debt and poor spending and saving habits to a [marriage]?"<br /> <br />I'm thunderstruck at how many women call my program with some variation of, "We've been dating for two years, but he never has any money because he spends it all on (fill in the blank)." I mean please. Too few women show any sense these days. That's why I think marriages should be arranged again. I know it sounds terribly insulting, but it's true. The divorce rate would plummet.<br /><br />If you have poor credit, read this <em>Time</em><em> </em><a href="http://business.time.com/2013/01/02/whats-hot-on-the-dating-scene-good-credit/#ixzz2GpwVQMcO" target="_blank">article</a> for tips on how to improve it. <br /><br />Staff2013-02-11T17:18:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/267290637441106146.html2013-02-08T14:53:00Z2013-02-08T14:53:00Z<p><em>If you think you can, you can.</em><br /><em>If you think you can't, you're right.</em></p>
<p>Mary Kay Ash<br />Founder, Mary Kay Cosmetics<br />1918-2001</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/high_ropes_challenge.jpg" alt="" width="509" height="337" /></p>Staff2013-02-08T14:53:00ZVideo: How Can I Stop Pushing People Away?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-How-Can-I-Stop-Pushing-People-Away/-286610555714170486.html2013-02-07T17:26:00Z2013-02-07T17:26:00Z<p>Some people have a tendency to push others away before even trying to get to know them. I know the reason why and have some advice on how to change the behavior in this week's video:<br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/fEzK1o8zlxU" height="349"></iframe><br /><br />Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a>
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</p>Staff2013-02-07T17:26:00ZLaughter Is the Best MedicineStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Laughter-Is-the-Best-Medicine/124716422256908172.html2013-02-06T16:17:00Z2013-02-06T16:17:00Z<p>In my opinion, <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/naturally-selected/201210/laughter-really-is-the-best-medicine" target="_blank">laughter</a> really is the best medicine. Like a steam bath, it opens up all your pores and lets the bad stuff roll out. That's why I use humor on the air - it's a diagnostic which makes your body, psyche, and soul all feel better.</p>
<p><strong>Laughter seems to have an evolutionary benefit.</strong> <em>Laughter is a feature that we share with other great apes such as the chimpanzee and gorilla, which suggests that it is an ancient behavior.</em> People of all ages and cultures laugh spontaneously, and they spend quite a bit of time doing it. Interestingly enough, if you ask most women what traits they want in a man, a sense of humor is usually first or second on the list.</p>
<p><strong>Laughter also operates as a social connector. </strong> <em>Groups are important for human survival, and across evolutionary time, groups got larger and socially more complex, which raises the interesting question about how these groups could be held together. Other primates groom each other to smoothen social interactions, but this is impossible when groups get really large. One solution to this problem is laughter. Through laughing, we can quickly establish a good relationship with each other, and because it is so contagious, it can quickly spread through a crowd.</em> For example, if you're watching a movie with other people and someone laughs, there is an instant connection. </p>
<p>In addition, <em><strong>laughter helps facilitate your capacity to learn new things</strong></em>. When somebody teaches you something with humor, you usually retain the information better. That's why, for example, kids learn faster and better through play-learning. </p>
<p>Lastly, <strong>laughter helps alleviate pain</strong>. When you laugh, endorphins are released in the brain and act as a kind of legal drug inside your head. <em>According to studies conducted by researchers from Oxford and VU Amsterdam, being exposed to comedy can raise your pain tolerance as much as 50 percent.</em> I believe the same is true for emotional pain as well. Humor opens up people to hear things that they are often uncomfortable hearing. <em>There is even some research on patients which shows that exposure to humor and comedy helps them reduce their medication intake.</em></p>
<p>Without humor, life would be quite dreary. Laughter works in the same way as a good massage or an intense jog (but without all the stress on the knees). It's relaxing, social, and there are no side effects other than the occasional bad joke.</p>Staff2013-02-06T16:17:00ZWhen Your Teen Dresses Like a SlutStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-Your-Teen-Dresses-Like-a-Slut/432367077325439758.html2013-02-05T19:22:00Z2013-02-05T19:22:00Z<p>A couple months ago, I was in a clothing store looking for a pair of jeans when I saw a man shopping with his 12-year-old daughter. I assumed he was divorced because he wasn't wearing a wedding ring. His daughter went in to the dressing room and when she came out, she was wearing something that would have revealed her pubic hair if she had any. I just looked at him and said, "You have got to be kidding. Is this how you want boys to see your daughter?!" He didn't respond, and I walked away.<br /> <br />Another time, I was at the movies with my husband and I saw this really attractive, voluptuous 17-year-old girl who was the walking stereotype of a bombshell blonde. She was wearing pants that barely stayed above her waist and a tight shirt that dipped down just over her nipples and exposed her midriff. She was surrounded by about five boys who were chatting and laughing with her. My husband - who knows me far too well - whispered to me, "Please don't say anything," but I just couldn't resist. As we walked by, I stopped, got her attention, and said, "They are all talking to you because they think you're intelligent." Then I walked away.<br /> <br />There has been enough <a href="http://www.livescience.com/19259-sexualized-childrens-clothing-perception.html" target="_blank">research</a> to show that teenage girls who wear sexualized outfits are judged as less capable, competent, determined, and intelligent than girls who dress modestly. Men in particular look down on them because they see them as sex objects.<br /> <br />Furthermore, girls who dress like sluts have lower self-esteem. By objectifying their bodies and monitoring themselves in terms of how they look, these girls increase their risk of becoming depressed and/or developing eating disorders.<br /> <br />The reason why teen girls want to dress this way is two-fold. First, kids face a great deal of pressure to fit in. As a result, they take cues from pop culture on how to dress "cool." Secondly, there isn't a whole lot of parenting going on these days. A lot of parents are too busy with their love lives or work lives to give a damn about their kids. <br /> <br />Personally, I agree with the more religious notion that <em>"modest is hottest."</em> I also believe you should only send your kids to schools that have a dress code. That way they are always wearing the same boring outfit, and it's all about what's on the inside that matters.<br /> <br />So, the next time you take your daughter shopping, tell her to go pick out three outfits, and then have her show them to you so you can give her the final "yes" or "no." By doing this, she'll get something that both she likes and you approve. <br /> <br />And while you're shopping, remember this: No guy is going to turn down a girl who's presenting herself as a whore.</p>Staff2013-02-05T19:22:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-229126689908665658.html2013-02-01T14:31:00Z2013-02-01T14:31:00Z<p><em>Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you.</em></p>
<p>Maori proverb<br /><br /><br />Saturday is Groundhog Day!<br /><br /></p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/groundhog.jpg" alt="" width="476" height="361" /></p>Staff2013-02-01T14:31:00ZVideo: My Son Doesn't Have FriendsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-My-Son-Doesnt-Have-Friends/-630784242332970978.html2013-01-31T17:48:00Z2013-01-31T17:48:00Z<p>Not every kid fits neatly into a group or clique at school. If your child is having a hard time making friends, I have a perspective you may not have considered. Watch:<br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/i8HFO0v-Ba0" height="349"></iframe><br /><br />Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>
<div id="_mcePaste" class="mcePaste" style="position: absolute; width: 1px; height: 1px; overflow: hidden; top: 0px; left: -10000px;"></div>Staff2013-01-31T17:48:00ZWhat Kids Can Learn from Lance Armstrong's FallStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-Kids-Can-Learn-from-Lance-Armstrongs-Fall/929869281985892022.html2013-01-29T15:23:00Z2013-01-29T15:23:00Z<p>I once worked with someone who had previously worked with some major theatre stars. I asked him if he noticed any changes in people as they got progressively more famous. He replied, "They didn't change, they just more readily showed who they really were."</p>
<p>Of all the liars, cheaters, destroyers, and other scummy people out there in sports, politics, business, education, and the clergy, Lance Armstrong is at the top of the list. What Lance Armstrong did is nauseating. Not only did he lie about cheating, but he destroyed the careers and reputations of people who tried to come forward with the truth. Even worse, he said in his Oprah interview that he didn't feel like he was doing anything wrong at the time. This guy is a major scumbag who was mistaken for a hero. </p>
<p>When your kids ask you about Lance Armstrong, tell them the truth and don't sugarcoat it. Lance Armstrong cheated, lied, and hurt other people. That's what your kids need to know. <br /> <br />Another thing you have to get across to kids is that just because someone is good at a sport, it doesn't make them a good person. Kids like to think winners are role models simply because they win. However, other than winning, what actually makes them a role model? How do they treat their spouse? How do they treat their kids? How do they help their community? Talk to your kids about what <strong><em>you</em></strong> think makes someone a role model.</p>
<p>Moreover, we need to teach kids that pride comes from doing things the hard way, the honest way, and the old-fashioned way. My pool teacher once told me something that completely changed my game. She said, "I couldn't care less that you miss a shot. I care more that you have the proper form. If you have lousy form and make the shot, you got lucky. But you can't own it and you can't enjoy it. If you do your form perfectly and it goes in, that's when you can feel good." To put it simply, the whole point of doing something is the honor that you put into it. When I was writing my first book, <em>Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives</em>, I refused to allow a professional writer to rewrite it for me because I didn't want to put my name on something that wasn't my work. I didn't care if it got published or not - that was the honorable thing to do.</p>
<p>In my opinion, the best thing that could come out of this Lance Armstrong scandal is if Lance Armstrong faced criminal charges and was put in jail. That might resonate with kids pretty well. That would be a good role model. Cheating occurs far too frequently these days and there needs to be consequences. <br /> <br />For more tips on how to talk to your kids about role models who fail them, <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/our-gender-ourselves/201301/what-tell-boys-when-role-models-fail" target="_blank">click here</a>.</p>Staff2013-01-29T15:23:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/221772548290768362.html2013-01-25T13:45:00Z2013-01-25T13:45:00Z<p><em>Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns.</em><br /><em>I am thankful that thorns have roses.</em></p>
<p>Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr<br />French critic, journalist, and novelist<br />1808-1890</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/rose.jpg" alt="" width="447" height="384" /></p>Staff2013-01-25T13:45:00ZYour Spouse Has Cheated. Now What?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Your-Spouse-Has-Cheated.-Now-What/-967798246973598760.html2013-01-24T08:00:00Z2013-01-24T08:00:00ZIn the movie <em><a href="http://www.livescience.com/16058-infidelity-jealousy-cheaters-reality-tv.html">Closer</a></em>, Clive Owen's character grills Julie Roberts' character about the nature of her infidelity. <em>He bombards her with a barrage of questions about the frequency, timing, whereabouts, type, quality and orgasmic nature of the sex she had with the interloper until she finally asks, "God, why is the sex so important?!" </em><br /><br />Men and women react to infidelity differently. Women are more concerned with the emotional side while men care more about the sex. This is a result of hardwiring to a certain extent. Females want to know if their male can still be a provider and protector for their young. Males, on the other hand, are primarily invested in the preservation of their genes. This is why, like Clive Owen's character, men will ask about the sex and women will ask about the romantic feelings involved. <br /><br />Once you understand the differences in how men and women react to an infidelity, the next question becomes, "What should I do if I find out that my husband/wife has cheated on me?" <br /><br />First, you need to know that it's possible for a marriage to survive an affair. In fact, the healing process can even improve the quality of the marriage. However, in order to improve the chances of your marriage staying together, you and your spouse need to seek professional help. <br /><br />Therapy helps you have adult conversations and develop skills to resolve your problems. When choosing a therapist, try to find one who has been in a long-term marriage. Be aware that therapists who have been recently divorced have a higher percentage of their patients and clients divorce. <br /><br />I recommend high quality professional assistance because in order for you and your spouse to truly work through your challenges, you're going to have to see and accept that both of you played some role in the infidelity. I am not saying that somebody had the right to cheat; I simply mean that if you decide to stay with each other, you have to figure out why things got so bad to the point that someone cheated. The success of your marriage pins on your ability to change the behaviors that alienated each other in the first place. <br /><br />If you truly think you did everything perfectly, then dump your spouse. You're either right and this person is just a bad apple, or you're not in touch with them enough to work it out. Either way, the relationship doesn't have a chance of succeeding. Don't sit around playing the blame game for your unhappiness or their lack of a moral compass - it's a recipe for disaster. <br /><br />However, if both of you are willing to work, there are some common mistakes you should try to avoid:<br /><br /><strong>Don't spend your time humiliating, debasing, challenging, and assaulting the cheater.</strong> Instead, try to get to the bottom of what hurt the relationship in the first place (e.g. lack of affection, being too busy to be sweet, etc.). <br /><br /><strong>Contacting the person they had the affair with is usually futile.</strong> It rarely uncovers the whole truth, and oftentimes, the exposure alone will make them back off. <br /><br /><strong>Naïvely taking your spouse's word that he or she has ended the affair is one thing, but constantly following them around and checking their phone and email every five minutes is another. </strong>Yes, most people need help disengaging from an affair because there is a tremendous amount of physical and emotional investment. However, hitting them with guilt nonstop isn't going to help anything. <br /><br />Finally, <strong>realize that it's going to take time. </strong><br /><br />Ultimately, if your spouse has cheated, you need to ask yourself the following question: Is this a pattern of behavior (i.e. a reflection of their character), or is this a single event which indicates that something seriously wrong in the marriage wasn't respectfully dealt with? Between work, the kids, and everything else going on, did one or both of you stop paying attention to the relationship? With better communication, better decisions can be made and priorities can be adjusted. Hopefully, in the end, you can both look back at the affair as a slap on the back of the head reminding you that you weren't paying attention to the relationship.Staff2013-01-24T08:00:00ZVideo: 'Have a Good Day, Honey'Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Have-a-Good-Day,-Honey/-389488759662549118.html2013-01-23T16:40:00Z2013-01-23T16:40:00Z<p>Being sent off to work in the morning with a goodbye and a kiss from your spouse can make all the difference in your day. But what can make up for this if your spouse would prefer to stay in bed?... Watch:<br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/eE7KzawO-pU" height="349"></iframe><br /><br />Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>
<div id="_mcePaste" class="mcePaste" style="position: absolute; width: 1px; height: 1px; overflow: hidden; top: 0px; left: -10000px;"></div>Staff2013-01-23T16:40:00ZLosing Like a WinnerStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Losing-Like-a-Winner/467713988023875560.html2013-01-21T14:53:00Z2013-01-21T14:53:00Z<p>One of the most horrendous things to happen to kids since the advent of day care is the way the concept of winning is now taught in schools. Schools today teach children that everybody is entitled to something simply by showing up. They're also slowly taking away honors and awards and eliminating Valedictorians because they don't want anybody's feelings to get hurt.<br /> <br />It's a cuddly notion to want everyone to feel like a winner, but in my opinion, it has contributed to an entire generation of young people who can't deal with reality. In reality, the world is a very competitive place. We've become so worried about kids getting their feelings hurt that we don't teach them how to recognize or actually deal with their feelings.</p>
<p>Paradoxically, kids also receive the message that winning is everything. Like the Vince Lombardi quote, "Winning isn't everything; it's the only thing," our society tells kids that winning is the be-all, end-all. As a result, kids cheat in order to win, and when they lose, they learn to hate or be cruel to the winners. </p>
<p>Even without our "help," kids already have particularly powerful emotions about <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pride-and-joy/201209/winning-and-losing" target="_blank">winning</a>. They don't <em>want </em>to win - they <em>need </em>to win. <em>Oftentimes, they are not even content with winning, or they feel a need to engage in expressions of gleeful triumph, such as boasting, bragging, and taunting. If they lose, they may throw game pieces and insist on a "do-over," or refuse to play. For young boys in particular, the desire to win stems from a need to feel a sense of physical or intellectual dominance, which is built into their DNA.</em></p>
<p>Therefore, it's crucial that you teach your kids from a very young age how to handle failure. In life, they're going to win some and lose some - they need to learn to accept that. <em>Your job is not just to make your kids happy</em>. Not allowing them to experience failure only sets them up for an inability to cope with failure in the future. Moreover, it's actually the kids who practice losing who learn to be better. Mastering any skill requires many failures - even if you're great initially.</p>
<p>When your child loses in a competition or gets a poor grade, you need to use it as a learning experience. The end goal is to teach them that the joy of competing is having fun, not winning. Help your child learn good sportsmanship. <em>The moment he or she starts exhibiting a "poor loser attitude" (e.g. arguing, making excuses, cheating, booing, or criticizing others), call them out on it immediately and let them know that this kind of behavior isn't allowed. Explain that they must be considerate of other people's feelings, and if they are not, they may not participate.</em> </p>
<p>Teaching kids the proper way to cope with disappointment is extremely important. Make sure they learn from their mistakes, but also give them support with your words and knowledge. The quickest way for them to handle defeat gracefully is by feeling that ultimately you're OK with them.</p>Staff2013-01-21T14:53:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/738168706715383009.html2013-01-18T08:00:00Z2013-01-18T08:00:00Z<p><em>The time is always right to do what is right.</em></p>
<p>Martin Luther King, Jr.<br />American Baptist minister and civil rights leader<br />Winner of the Nobel Peace Prize, 1964<br />1929-1968</p>
<p>Monday, January 21 is Martin Luther King Day.</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/mlk_jr_2.jpg" alt="" width="426" height="282" /></p>Staff2013-01-18T08:00:00ZGetting Along with Your In-LawsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Getting-Along-with-Your-In-Laws/113606544429714387.html2013-01-17T19:54:00Z2013-01-17T19:54:00Z<p>Generally speaking, the divorce rate is lower for people who have good relationships with their in-laws. However, the sad reality is that the majority of husbands and wives do not. </p>
<p>For the most part, it's the daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law who take issue with one another. According to a <strong><a href="http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1863282,00.html" target="_blank">study</a></strong> conducted by Terri Apter, a psychologist at Cambridge University, 60 percent of daughters-in-law report having a stressful relationship with their mother-in-law, but only 15 percent of sons-in-law do. The primary reason: mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law feel a need to compete.</p>
<p>Let's break it down. A mother gives birth to her son and puts all her energy into raising and caring for him. Then, this other woman comes along and takes him away after only knowing him for maybe two or three years. This is what sets the stage for the competition between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law.</p>
<p>My first rule for all you daughters-in-law out there is to stop being so prickly and <strong>try to look at things from your mother-in-law's point of view</strong>. I recently had a caller on my program who felt insulted because her live-in mother-in-law was constantly cleaning her house for her. From the mother-in-law's perspective, she was simply trying to have a purpose - instead of sitting around watching TV all day, she wanted to do something. However, the caller interpreted her cleaning as a hint that she couldn't take care of her own house. I advised the caller not to confront her mother-in-law, which would only make her upset. I told her instead to think about things from her mother-in-law's perspective: How was <em>she</em> feeling? What did <em>she</em> need? </p>
<p>Another piece of <strong><a href="http://www.missnowmrs.com/Newlywed-Blog/index.php/newlywed-needs/get-to-know-your-in-laws-4-tips-you-need-now.html" target="_blank">advice</a></strong>: <strong><em>Don't sweat the small stuff</em></strong>. People say and do things all the time that they may not intend to be hurtful. Be able to stand back and ask, "Does this person really want to hurt or harm me in some way, or are they just being a little assertive, overbearing, or excited?" </p>
<p>Next, <strong>always try to avoid the criticism or insult</strong>. <em>Listening will win you more points than arguing.</em> </p>
<p>In addition, <em>remember that everyone likes to feel appreciated. <strong>Find ways to show your in-laws respect.</strong> Take your mother-in-law out to lunch for her birthday, or remember to send a card and/or flowers on Mother's Day or Father's Day.</em> </p>
<p>Finally, <strong>don't always think of your in-laws as "the in-laws."</strong> They can certainly be your friends and mentors. <em>Try to get involved with something they enjoy, like gardening or golf. At the very least, sharing a common interest with them will give you something to talk about during family dinners and holidays.</em></p>
<p>Now, there is a caveat to all of this. Some people simply have mean and nasty parents. If that's the case, you can expect that no matter how hard you try, they will create stress for you and your spouse. Don't let them. Husbands and wives need to watch each other's backs. Mark my words, if you side with your parents against your spouse, it'll be "The End." If her mother is being a pain, then she should talk to her. If his mother is being a pain, then he should talk to her. Don't allow them to tear your marriage apart. </p>Staff2013-01-17T19:54:00ZTraining Your Brain to Stress LessStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Training-Your-Brain-to-Stress-Less/684758756666434904.html2013-01-16T08:00:00Z2013-01-16T08:00:00Z<p>The vast majority of Americans today feel stressed out. I would say that it mostly stems from financial struggles, which, in my opinion, are only going to get worse in the near future. Women, in particular, get stressed out because they have too much on their plates. Ever since the feminist movement, women have been told that they are lazy bums and betrayers of their sisters if they stay home to raise their children. As a result, women have quadrupled their responsibilities, and in doing so, increased their risk of heart disease and cancer by trying to play wife, mother, and jack of many other trades all at the same time. If you're struggling with stress in these hard times, I have some advice.</p>
<p>The first thing you need to do is <strong>realize that you are only human and that humans have limitations</strong>. It's simply the reality of our systems. There are times when we just need to sleep or shut down. Thinking that you're a lazy slob or an incompetent idiot because you're getting killed by all the stuff on your plate is not constructive. You need to see that you have limits.</p>
<p>When I was still involved in private practice, I used to tell people to <strong>write down a list of all their obligations and then dump a third of them</strong>. You should do the same. Arrange all the things you need to do into a hierarchy of least to most important, and then dump the ones that are least important.</p>
<p>In addition, there are <strong>techniques you can use to train your brain to stress less</strong>. For example, many athletes have trainers who help them respond quickly in stressful situations. They teach them to focus under pressure, and even more importantly, how to recover from stress-induced errors. Their trainers also teach them the importance of shutting down so that they don't carry their stress around with them all day and night. The same thing goes for soldiers training for battle. The more combat situations they face, the more familiar they become with handling the stress and the more control they have over their reactions. </p>
<p>Training your brain to deal with stress is difficult, but it can be done. Here are a number of ways you can <a href="http://greatist.com/happiness/23-ways-to-reduce-stress/" target="_blank">start reducing your stress levels</a>.</p>Staff2013-01-16T08:00:00ZVideo: Relieving AnxietyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Relieving-Anxiety/-747494299254930058.html2013-01-15T20:11:00Z2013-01-15T20:11:00Z<p>Everybody experiences some anxiety. That's normal. But when anxiety starts driving your life, there are a number of things you can do to help yourself calm down. Watch:<br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/KN_49Kzbzyc" height="349"></iframe><br /><br />Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>
<div id="_mcePaste" class="mcePaste" style="position: absolute; width: 1px; height: 1px; overflow: hidden; top: 0px; left: -10000px;"></div>Staff2013-01-15T20:11:00ZStop Putting Off Your Procrastination ProblemStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Stop-Putting-Off-Your-Procrastination-Problem/953366058989744273.html2013-01-14T15:41:00Z2013-01-14T15:41:00Z<p>The definition of procrastination is putting off something that was planned or scheduled. <a href="http://www.effective-time-management-strategies.com/procrastination-statistics.html" target="_blank">Statistics</a> indicate that most people procrastinate. <em>At least 20 percent of the population calls themselves chronic procrastinators, and according to some researchers, procrastination has more than quadrupled in the last 30 years.</em> </p>
<p>I think that more and more people have become accustomed to procrastination in recent years for the same reasons that fewer men are going to college and fewer young adults are becoming autonomous - very little is expected of them anymore.</p>
<p>When we were in the era of responsibility, obligations were taken seriously. Very few people procrastinated because there were consequences for doing so. However, people today are hardly ever held accountable for anything, especially teens and young adults. It used to be that if you had an 8-to-4 job, you arrived at your desk at 8 ready to work; you weren't stumbling through the door at 9. A lot of young people don't get that, and then wonder why they are having such a tough time getting jobs. It's not just because of the economy - there is simply a lack of respect for young adults in the business world today because they lack commitment, work ethic, diligence, focus, and pride in what they do.</p>
<p>In addition, advances in technology have come at the cost of reducing many people's effectiveness. Between the TV, Facebook, and the latest Blackberrys and iPads, technology is providing people with constant distractions. And with more lazy, unmotivated people sitting around drooling into screens, it's no wonder that the procrastination statistics keep going up. </p>
<p>Another contributing factor is that there isn't a whole lot of parenting going on anymore. Fewer and fewer kids are spending time with Mommy and Daddy at the dinner table discussing their day. Chalk it up to divorce or no parent staying at home, but the outcome is the same: kids get away with murder and there's no hell to pay. Parents are failing to teach their kids about obligations and responsibilities. A hundred years ago, kids got up at 5 a.m. and did a whole heck of a lot of stuff before they went to school. Nowadays, I have parents calling me up complaining about how they can't get their kids to get dressed in the morning. It's ridiculous. </p>
<p>As you can see, people are not born procrastinators; they are formed to be that way. And sadly, when they become chronic procrastinators, the results can be dire. They often experience financial failure or end up dying younger than they should because they don't bother to go get tests.</p>
<p>If you have a <a href="http://impowerage.com/not-too-late/start-something/12-reasons-why-people-procrastinate" target="_blank">problem with procrastination</a>, here's what to do:</p>
<p>People procrastinate for all kinds of reasons, but more often than not, I think procrastination is a kind of passive aggressive behavior: "Screw you!" "I don't have to!" "I don't want to!" "I don't feel like it!" So, if you really want to change, <strong>stop being hostile and start acting like a responsible person.</strong></p>
<p><strong>Don't overthink what you have to do or make things too complicated - just get started.</strong> It's funny how something you were initially dreading can all of sudden become easier once you start it. If you want an example of this, just listen to some of the people who call in to my program. They may start off extremely nervous, but once they start talking, all their hesitation goes away. </p>
<p><strong>If you feel overwhelmed by a big project, break it up into smaller chunks.</strong> Start with the hardest part first and then take a step back. You'll likely find that once you've finished each smaller task, the bigger project isn't as difficult as you feared.</p>
<p><strong>If you don't have the right skills to complete a project, do some research or call someone to help you.</strong> YouTube, for example, has a million useful little videos of people explaining how to do all kinds of stuff. I learned how to drill certain jewelry pieces I've worked on from watching YouTube videos.</p>
<p><strong>If you don't have the right tools, find out where you can buy or borrow them.</strong></p>
<p><strong>Set realistic goals.</strong> What can you realistically do given your abilities? <strong>Ask someone to help pace you.</strong></p>
<p><strong>If you're easily distracted by clutter, your phone, or your friends, then block out time dedicated to working on what you need to get done.</strong> I rarely have my cell phone on me. It certainly frustrates a lot of people who want to get a hold of me at that precise moment, but when I want to sit and deal with something, I cut out the distractions. One of the things you must do in life is prioritize. Do what needs to be done first, not what you wish to do. Always remind yourself of what the highest priority is.<br /> <br /><strong>If you are a perfectionist (as I tend to be), you need to learn to control your impulse to be perfect.</strong> I remember reading about one culture which purposefully put one tiny mistake in everything they made. I thought that was so clever - what you do doesn't always have to be perfect to be an expression of you.</p>
<p>Lastly, <strong>if you are afraid of failing or taking responsibility, you need to remember that the greatest failure is sitting there like a lump of protoplasm and not trying.</strong> Failing is an inevitable part of trying, but failing is not an endpoint - not trying is. Failure is at least a step forward toward success.</p>
<p>Getting yourself organized and putting a stop to your procrastination is pretty simple. Set a reasonable goal, give yourself a time frame, dump the excuses, and figure out a way to hold yourself accountable. In short, just make it happen. </p>Staff2013-01-14T15:41:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-205486120907451506.html2013-01-11T15:59:00Z2013-01-11T15:59:00Z<p><em>In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.</em></p>
<p>Albert Camus<br />French author, journalist and philosopher<br />Winner of the Nobel Prize for Literature, 1957<br />1913 - 1960</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/winter_wonderland.jpg" alt="" width="414" height="414" /></p>Staff2013-01-11T15:59:00ZGetting the Most Out of TherapyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Getting-the-Most-Out-of-Therapy/-434025021991654328.html2013-01-10T16:44:00Z2013-01-10T16:44:00Z<p>Once I started becoming more "known" from my radio program and books, I had to give up my private practice. Folks would come in for sessions and expect me to work magic in three and a half minutes. It became clear to me that I couldn't be as effective one-on-one anymore. So instead, I wrote books and did my show because I thought that those were the best ways I could help people. </p>
<p>However, there are times on my program when I tell callers that they need to do a little more extensive work. I can give them a jump-start, but they need to pick up where we left off in therapy.</p>
<p>Therapy can be a very complicated process, and there aren't many therapists who do it well. When looking for a therapist, there are a few things you need to do. First, and most importantly, you have to <strong>form a relationship with your therapist</strong>. When people call in to my program, they generally have listened to me for a while. This means that they have already developed a kind of relationship with me in their minds. When you go into somebody's office for therapy, it usually takes a while to form that relationship. Without it, there isn't going to be trust. Although it seems like I receive instant trust from the people who call in to my show, that's not really the case. Most callers have been listening to me for a long time (sometimes 20 years or more), and therefore, the trust part is pretty much all squared away. </p>
<p><strong>Your clinician also needs to be a good fit for you</strong>. Not every therapist makes the same choices or has the same personality and expertise. For example, when I was involved in private practice, I would not deal with anyone's insurance companies. They paid for their sessions, and I signed the insurance papers for them to submit. I did this because I didn't want my fights with an insurance company to interfere with our relationship. </p>
<p>In addition, I believe that <strong>your first session should be free and on the phone</strong>. It's not really a session - it's simply you asking a lot of questions. You can always look up somebody's license and credentials, but you still need to ask them about their expertise. A lot of people get psychology licenses of various kinds and then claim that they can do anything. However, there are specific areas of expertise. Make sure you ask. If you're nervous about asking questions, first write them down on a piece of paper. You may be less afraid to ask them if you put them in writing. </p>
<p>This process may be uncomfortable, but if you don't feel safe and comfortable with the therapist at first, you are not likely going to meet your goals with them later. </p>
<p>Personally, I think that if you are <strong>seeking marital therapy</strong>, you should ask if the therapist is divorced. Statistically speaking, when a therapist is divorced, he or she is more permissive of divorce. And if they're more permissive of divorce, it may impact how you perceive your marriage. It's the same old thing - if other people have done it, we feel like it's more acceptable. So, be sure to ask if they're divorced and for how long.</p>
<p>Also <strong>ask about their ethics and how they've continued their education</strong>. Once you're done asking everything you want to ask, repeat this process with three to five more therapists. See who gets defensive and who answers your questions openly. </p>
<p>I know it can be intimidating or feel like you're being impolite, but you must ask questions. The truth is, your therapist is your hired help. And if you do hire them, you'll want to be able to ask them honest questions later, such as, "I don't understand how this is helping; can you please explain it to me?" </p>
<p>Nevertheless, you must also remember that the therapist does not assume the entire burden. <strong>Therapy is hard work</strong>, and in order to improve, you have to do the work. It's the same principle as playing the piano - if you don't practice, you're not going to play very well. You may notice that I often give assignments to callers on my program. That's because change doesn't happen in one session - it happens outside of the session. It's an active process. You can't expect to go to therapy once a week and then not give it a moment's thought until the next session. The sessions are important but so is your effort to reflect on the content of those sessions and apply it on a daily basis. If you don't make progress, it could very well be your own fault. As I've said many times on the air, "Hey, I'm not going to work harder on your life than you are." </p>
<p>Finally, you need to expect that at some point during therapy, <strong>things could become extremely painful, uncomfortable, or unpleasant</strong>. There are often blockages you have to work through. You may start placing some of your past relationship issues on your therapist or treat them as if they were your mother, father, sister, etc. Sometimes you'll want to quit therapy or wonder why you're bothering to spend money to be in pain. You might even develop a habit of arriving late to sessions as a mechanism of avoidance. However, when you start freaking out or getting defensive, you absolutely must go back and talk to your therapist about it. Say, for example, "After opening up to you last time about ___, I became very vulnerable." Really good therapists are trained to understand and deal with your concerns. </p>
<p>To bring it full circle, this is why establishing an initial relationship with your therapist is important - you need to be able to discuss anything and everything. If you don't trust your therapist or don't feel like they believe in you, there will be no change. You'll simply reenact the same patterns with them and everybody else. </p>Staff2013-01-10T16:44:00ZVideo: I'm Busy. I'm Tired. I Can't Get in the Mood.Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Im-Busy.-Im-Tired.-I-Cant-Get-in-the-Mood./95663304932195748.html2013-01-08T18:51:00Z2013-01-08T18:51:00Z<p>Women today seem to believe that work, the kids, the house, their friends, etc. are more important than their husbands, and that somehow a sexless marriage is perfectly acceptable. Unfortunately, this attitude eventually leads their men to look elsewhere to fulfill their needs. But there is a different perspective a wife can adopt... Watch:<br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/JkAkEVRW5pY" height="349"></iframe><br /><br />Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>
<div id="_mcePaste" class="mcePaste" style="position: absolute; width: 1px; height: 1px; overflow: hidden; top: 0px; left: -10000px;"></div>Staff2013-01-08T18:51:00ZHow to Say 'No'Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Say-No/653423640878333943.html2013-01-07T15:53:00Z2013-01-07T15:53:00Z<p>Are you scared of saying "no" to people? Are you worried that you'll look bad, not be liked, or come across as rude or selfish if you do? </p>
<p>Sometimes we don't want to say "no" because we think we'll lose a friend or we want to help everybody. But saying "no" doesn't mean you're rude or disagreeable. It also doesn't necessarily mean that there are going to be fights or burned bridges. These are false beliefs we concoct in our minds. It really all depends on how we say "no". <br /><br />There are good ways and bad ways to say "no". The first thing you ought to do, if it's at all reasonable, is to ask the person to let you think about their request. You may not have the time or the wherewithal to handle what they've asked you to do because of some other responsibility or commitment you have. Ask them to give you a night to think on it. That way, it's a "maybe", not a "no", and they at least feel like you have considered it. If you realize that you really can't do it, you need to tell them "no" but also say something positive. The best way to say "no" is to <em><strong>a) say something positive</strong></em> and <strong><em>b) promise something else</em></strong>. For example, say, "I really wish I could do ___ for you." (That's positive). Then follow it up with, "Although I can't do ___, I <em>can</em> do ___." </p>
<p>This concept applies to all your relationships from work to your clubs and organizations. Simply say, "Even though I really wanted to find a way to make ___ happen, I couldn't. However, I <em>can</em> do ___. </p>
<p>Another tip: <strong><em>Give them a good reason why you can't do something, not a list of excuses</em></strong>. "I sprained my ankle, my kid's off from school at that time, etc." may all be legitimate reasons why you can't do something for someone, but you should only give one. You may think giving more excuses makes you look better, but in fact, it makes you look worse. If you start giving multiple excuses, it looks like you really don't want to do it. If you tell the other person in one sentence, "I'm sorry, I would really like to do ___ for you, but my mother and father are coming to town and I haven't seen them in quite a while," it seems more like you give a darn.</p>
<p>Sometimes <strong><em>you may not be the best person for the job</em></strong>. Tell them that. Say, "I'd really like to do that, but I don't think I'm the best person because I'm not good at 'X', 'Y' or 'Z'. But Bill or Mary is." </p>
<p>Somebody recently contacted me online at my Dr. Laura Designs store asking me if I could do a particular project for an event. I told them that I would look into it. I didn't want to say "yes" because I didn't know anything about how to do the particular craft, and I didn't want to promise anything I couldn't do. I did some research and realized that the learning curve for me to figure out how to do it would probably be a month, and the project was due in a week. So I responded back I would have loved to be able to do it but I couldn't because I didn't know how and couldn't figure it out in time for the event. I felt bad. I don't like to disappoint people and I really do like a challenge, but time constraints and my lack of expertise made it difficult for me to follow through. </p>
<p>Finally, if you don't want to help someone because you think they're using you or they're just a crummy person, you don't need to say so. Even though you may be thinking, "I hate your guts and I'd rather eat frogs than help you," that's not the kind of thing you should say to anybody unless you really want to get them out of your life for good. It's always nicer to tell a truth that isn't so ugly. Simply say, "I regret that I'm not able to do this for you. I hope you can find somebody else to help you," as opposed to, "Drop dead!" or, "Go to hell!" </p>
<p>Learning to say "no" is important because many of you let other people devour your lives out of a false sense of obligation. You end up having too much on your plate, which means you won't do any of it very well, and that's not morally right. Sometimes you have to disappoint people in order to maintain healthy follow-through on the obligations you already have. </p>
<p> </p>Staff2013-01-07T15:53:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/297021464783332472.html2013-01-04T15:55:00Z2013-01-04T15:55:00Z<p>Whether we want them or not, the New Year will bring new challenges; whether we seize them or not, the New Year will bring new opportunities.</p>
<p>Michael Josephson<br />American speaker and lecturer<br />1942 -</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/new_year.jpg" alt="" width="506" height="336" /></p>Staff2013-01-04T15:55:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/897969890023596660.html2012-12-21T08:00:00Z2012-12-21T08:00:00Z<p><em>This is the message of Christmas: that we are never alone.</em></p>
<p>Taylor Caldwell<br />Anglo-American novelist<br />1900-1985</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/sun_earth.jpg" alt="" width="412" height="417" /></p>Staff2012-12-21T08:00:00ZLearning to Be JoyfulStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Learning-to-Be-Joyful/605128955603527534.html2012-12-20T08:00:00Z2012-12-20T08:00:00Z<p>My friend, Patty, called me this morning to ask how I was feeling. I told her, "Well, I can breathe through my nose, my Eustachian tubes are about 90 percent unclogged from my allergy stuff, I can run around, and nothing hurts - so I'm good." We both laughed. We were just both so grateful for our parts still working and for the opportunities that go with that. </p>
<p>Finding joy in life is not terribly difficult, but it is a learned skill. First off, being in a state of joy is not the same thing as being happy. Joy is more of a deep and profound type of feeling. Secondly, joy is not innate. You are not born with it - it's learned.</p>
<p>Some of you have a tougher time acquiring this skill because you were raised in harsh or negative families. However, it's still possible for you to learn - it's just harder. </p>
<p>One of the first things you need to do to be joyful is <strong><em>to change the way you talk to yourself</em></strong>. You need to take all that negative-speak going on in your mind (e.g. "I suck," "I'm terrible," "I should have never done ___") quite seriously. You may flippantly say, "I suck," but you are really hurting yourself deeply on the inside. Stop the negative self-talk, and instead, replace it with the phrase, "I could be doing ___." By giving yourself some leeway, you'll have choices and flexibility. These statements give you room to explore and not feel so bad about yourself. Tearing yourself down is not motivating. By saying, "I could have made another choice and the next time I will," you're going to provide yourself with a lot more opportunity.</p>
<p>Another thing you can do to experience more joy is to <strong><em>have at least one big laugh each day</em></strong>. It has been proven that laughter makes you feel better and reduces stress. Laughter makes hormones that boost immunity and creates beta-endorphins that stave off depression. Moreover, laughing every day is not all that difficult. There are copious amounts of things to laugh about: funny articles, comic strips, movies, hilarious memories, etc. </p>
<p>Another tip: try <em><strong>absorbing nature</strong></em>. Focus your attention on your natural surroundings. If you do something as simple as examining a plant leaf by leaf, you'll improve your attention and begin finding joy in the every day.</p>
<p>Now just to be clear: I'm not saying that you should gloss over the negative, ignore painful emotions, or pretend that everything is OK. What I am saying is that you should be moving forward and trying to be flexible. Paying attention and practicing gratitude gives you some peace.</p>
<p>It's hard, no doubt about it. But just because something is "hard" doesn't mean it should stop you.</p>
<p>Every day I put up a question at <a href="http://www.facebook.com/drlaura" target="_blank">Facebook.com/DrLaura</a>. Recently, I asked, "What's your secret for remaining joyful even in the midst of tough times?" Here are two of the responses:</p>
<p>From Loren:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><em>Last night I was reminded of this as we were traveling down I-5 with our three kids under 4. They had colds and were coughing constantly while trying to drift off to sleep. We were well on our way and had already stopped three times to accommodate the needs of everyone. My oldest son, 4, started coughing harder and harder in a sleepy daze when he started vomiting.</em></p>
<p><em>Ugh! I was so tired - my husband and I had been on a nonstop agenda for weeks and we wanted to escape for a peaceful early Thanksgiving break with family, but now this happened. I know both my husband and I could have very easily argued and been stressed, but I grabbed a blanket, caught all the upchuck, and snapped at my husband desperately, "Pull over!!!" He didn't want to because of the small shoulder on the road, but he did anyway. Barefoot and now smelly, I got out and assisted my son. Together, my husband and I worked to switch out the car seat, wipe him down, and change his clothes, and we were back on the road 15 minutes later.</em></p>
<p><em>Four minutes after that, the rain started. We both looked at each other and laughed thinking the same thing, "Well, at least we missed the rain!"</em></p>
<p><em>Although it was supposed to be a relaxing vacation, we found joy in the midst of the unexpected, unplanned interruptions of the journey. My husband offered me his hand and said, "That was good teamwork."</em></p>
</blockquote>
<p>Now, they certainly have a good marriage. And here is Deborah's response:</p>
<blockquote>
<p><em>As the parent of a soldier killed in Iraq, for a while joy didn't seem to fit my vocabulary or mindset, but with time and meditation, I knew the only way to feel joy again and to honor our son and all those who have sacrificed for our country was to dwell on how they lived, not on how they died, and <strong>to let our son's humor, leadership, and love of family and friends shine as best as I could through myself</strong>. </em></p>
<p><em>I also choose not to keep company for very long with family or acquaintances who thrive on negative thoughts and attitudes. As our son did, I find ways to serve others, which brings much joy. I surround myself with words of positive thoughts by way of motivational books and framed motivational thoughts in each room of my home. As a person who deals with depression, "changing the way I think, speak, or do to the positive" helps keep me balanced with a heart of joy.</em></p>
</blockquote>Staff2012-12-20T08:00:00ZVideo: My Teen Is ShyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-My-Teen-Is-Shy/166013872229575424.html2012-12-18T08:00:00Z2012-12-18T08:00:00Z<p>Although high school yearbooks have categories for "Most Likely to Succeed" and "Class Clown," there is no superlative for "Most Shy." The teenage years can be a difficult transition period, especially if you’re not an outgoing person. If your teen is shy, I’ve got some tips to help them break out of their comfort zone.<br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/iKCDSN-2CG8" height="349"></iframe><br /><br />Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>
<div id="_mcePaste" class="mcePaste" style="position: absolute; width: 1px; height: 1px; overflow: hidden; top: 0px; left: -10000px;"></div>Staff2012-12-18T08:00:00ZMass Shooting at Sandy Hook ElementaryStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Mass-Shooting-at-Sandy-Hook-Elementary/-343618974439238479.html2012-12-14T19:52:00Z2012-12-14T19:52:00Z<p>After hearing about the mass shooting this morning at the Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut, I felt compelled to talk about the situation in my opening commentary today. Click on the audio link below...</p>Staff2012-12-14T19:52:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-956933583207133323.html2012-12-14T08:00:00Z2012-12-14T08:00:00Z<p><em>No duty is more urgent than that of returning thanks</em>.</p>
<p>Saint Ambrose<br />Archbishop of Milan<br />c. 330 - 397</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/sunset.jpg" alt="" width="512" height="334" /></p>Staff2012-12-14T08:00:00ZNot Everything Is ForgivableStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Not-Everything-Is-Forgivable/696734118112872346.html2012-12-13T08:00:00Z2012-12-13T08:00:00Z<p>I am really ticked off that so many experts, shrinks, religious leaders, and medical doctors say that if you've been wronged, regardless of how severely, you must forgive the person who wronged you or you are considered a bad person who will never heal.</p>
<p>I think that is some of the stupidest tripe I have ever heard expressed.</p>
<p>First of all, if unconditional <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/disturbed/201208/why-you-dont-always-have-forgive" target="_blank">forgiveness</a> itself does not allow for judgment, how is it fair that other people can judge your virtue simply because you won't find it in your heart to forgive somebody? (Throw that at the next person who tries to judge you for not forgiving someone). </p>
<p>Secondly, forgiveness focuses on the perpetrator. A victim should not be fixated. It freezes them and prevents them from getting on with their life. </p>
<p>I want to tell you a story about someone who I have never forgiven. This person - who shall remain nameless to protect their identity - was someone who I trusted to arrange something for me. I put my mind, body, soul and savings into this experience, and this person did not take the responsibility to make sure serious information was checked. And because of that, everything I put in was blown. </p>
<p>They ruined something that meant a tremendous deal to me. And, to top everything off, this person still wanted compensation. I thought it would have been more professional and classy to say, "Since you did everything I asked you to do and I blew it, don't pay me." But instead, they sent me a bill. After some period of time, I finally told them, "The truth is I don't, can't and won't forgive you. This was your responsibility and you blew it. You've been compensated, and I'm left here staring at my fingernails."</p>
<p>As you can see, I expressed no forgiveness, and yet, I think it was still extremely healthy. I get very frustrated hearing how many of you go through tragic situations or horrible things and then get pressured by people to forgive the person who wronged you. <em>The truth is, forgiving may be the worst thing you can do.</em> </p>
<p>Over the three decades I've been on the air, it has been horrifying to hear so many people say that they've been pressured to forgive a perpetrator. I've listened to countless stories about families who have turned their backs on victims of crimes like sexual abuse because the victims wouldn't keep their mouths shut, forgive their attacker, let things go, and get on with life. There have been many women who have called in saying that they stood up to an abusive husband only to be cut off by their children because they wouldn't forgive their abuser. </p>
<p>That's what makes a lot of people say, "I forgive you" - family members telling them that if they don't forgive, there will be hell to pay. Out of fear of being banished or messing up their family, many victims keep their hurt on the inside. However, this becomes very toxic because they don't and shouldn't actually forgive their abusers. </p>
<p>I say don't give in to this pressure. Most of the time, everyone in the family simply wants there to be forgiveness because it will make family functions <em>seem</em> normal. But there are things that are unforgivable.</p>
<p>Another thing that infuriates me is when people say victims are supposed to forgive as a gift to their offender. In my opinion, this takes responsibility away from the offender, and a lot of times, the forgiveness serves as a benefit to the offender. I've seen sick things like people put on trial for molesting, torturing and killing children, and the parents say, "I forgive him." I just want to take those parents and slap them up one side and down the other. Why? Because they are betraying their children, that's why. They may be making <em>themselves</em> feel better and look really good, but they are betraying their children. I find that despicable. </p>
<p>After the Columbine High School shootings, mourners put flags on a hill with the names of the children who were murdered. And beside them, somebody decided to put up flags for each of the psycho-creeps who shot them because they died too. I went on the air that day stating that it was a desecration because showing compassion for evil is showing evil to the innocent. That was one of the most disgusting displays of phony righteousness I have ever seen. The parents who had lost their kids had to deal with flags for those creeps placed on the same soil as the ones for their murdered children. </p>
<p>You should not forgive someone until they have <em>earned</em> the potential for forgiveness. How do they earn it? They need to follow the <strong>four "R's"</strong>:</p>
<p><strong>1) Responsibility</strong> -- The perpetrator needs to take complete and absolute responsibility for what they've done. They should not blame it on anyone else, their childhood, bullying, or moon spots. If it was their own decision, they must take full responsibility for having made that decision without justification or excuses.</p>
<p><strong>2) Remorse</strong> -- The perpetrator must be truly remorseful. Most people feel bad because they were caught or had to suffer consequences, however, that's not true remorse. The only problem with this step is that no other human being can tell for certain if another is <em>truly</em> remorseful. People can say it, but we don't really know what's in their hearts. </p>
<p><strong>3) Repair</strong> -- The perpetrator must do whatever it takes to repair the damage. Some damage cannot be repaired. I remember reading a story about a driver who plowed into a group of young people riding their bicycles. One biker, who was a superior human being and an athlete, had his arms, legs, and just about every rib broken, and his brain would never be the same again. People wanted the driver to be forgiven after creating a lifetime of torture for this young man. To that, I say, "No!"</p>
<p><strong>4) Repetition </strong>-- The perpetrator must take whatever steps needed so that this action is <strong><em>never</em></strong> repeated.</p>
<p>A lot of you folks who simply forgive your drinking or philandering spouse over and over again only give them permission to repeat their behavior. Don't be weak. Follow the four R's.</p>
<p>Everybody who has been hurt has to go through a grieving and healing process. It often takes a long time. No one can tell you how to do it or how fast to go. If someone is obsessing over you not forgiving someone, tell them to leave you alone.</p>
<p>And if someone continues to lay judgment on you because you refuse to forgive what you consider an unforgivable act, send them to me. There <strong><em>are</em></strong> things that are unforgivable.</p>Staff2012-12-13T08:00:00ZVideo: Daddy's Short Fuse Is Damaging the KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Daddys-Short-Fuse-Is-Damaging-the-Kids/839068306496898457.html2012-12-11T19:34:00Z2012-12-11T19:34:00Z<p>A parent frequently snapping and yelling at a child is not an acceptable response to frustration. So what can a spouse do to convince them of the harm they causing to the young one? I have some ideas.<br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/ONSfM16GQAM" height="349"></iframe><br /><br />Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2012-12-11T19:34:00ZHow to Pillow TalkStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Pillow-Talk/253483355848608266.html2012-12-10T16:19:00Z2012-12-10T16:19:00Z<p>Should you and your spouse engage in pillow talk when your heads are on the pillow? </p>
<p>Most people don't communicate about sex in general, much less when they are in the middle of it. There are some reasons for that. You could be afraid of your husband or wife getting angry and interpreting it as criticism. You may also be worried about making them feel inadequate or spoiling the mood. Or, you may simply not care about pleasing your spouse (yes, there are people like that out there). But generally, I think that while you're having sex is <em>not</em> the best time to be talking about it.</p>
<p>There has been significant research showing that non-verbal communication while having sex is a lot more effective and fulfilling. "Non-verbal" means the way your body moves and the sounds you make (e.g. the moaning and the groaning, the "Yes, that's good, a little more to the left...Oh, that's fabulous," and the "Let's try ___"). Even though you're speaking, it's not really verbal - you're just egging on the situation.</p>
<p>However, it is still very important for married couples to talk about these things because it leads to more satisfaction in their relationships.</p>
<p>So when is a good time?</p>
<p>When you're <em>not</em> in the bedroom. </p>
<p>At some point in the near future, say to your spouse, "You know when you did such-and-such? That really turned me on." He or she may not even remember that they did it, but it doesn't matter. It's really important that you give each other positive strokes - literally and figuratively. It should all be enthusiastic, and <strong><em>none</em></strong> of it should be critical. The second your statements start turning critical, it's over. Your spouse will realize that they didn't please you, or even worse, that you've been miserable for a very long time. </p>
<p>In addition, when you are talking about it, try saying something like, "Oh yeah, honey, that felt good. Do you want to try doing ____ while you do that? I think I'd like to know how that feels." In other words, you're not critiquing your spouse - you're exploring your own body. </p>
<p>Husbands and wives are usually enthusiastic about pleasing each other, and yours will most likely be willing to try something out (unless you're asking for kinky, weird stuff). Just remember, people who communicate their enthusiasm, interests and positive reactions have more fulfilling sex lives with their spouses.</p>Staff2012-12-10T16:19:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-374301943262602159.html2012-12-06T23:43:00Z2012-12-06T23:43:00Z<p>Seventy-one years ago today, the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor, and changed our nation’s history:</p>
<p><em>Yesterday, December 7, 1941 – a date which will live in infamy …</em><br /><em>No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people in their righteous might, will win through to absolute victory.</em></p>
<p>President Franklin D. Roosevelt<br />December 8, 1941, asking Congress to declare war on Japan</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/pearl_harbor.jpg" alt="" width="500" height="401" /></p>Staff2012-12-06T23:43:00ZRelationships Make You GrowStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Relationships-Make-You-Grow/-111683780831694103.html2012-12-06T08:00:00Z2012-12-06T08:00:00ZHooking up, shacking up, or having sex with someone within 20 minutes of meeting them does nothing to help you grow. These types of behaviors stifle you and set you back. Only <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201206/10-ways-relationships-help-individuals-grow" target="_blank"><em>relationships</em></a> help you grow. <br /><br />A healthy relationship means <strong><em>choosing wisely and treating kindly.</em></strong> I'm not saying it has to be perfect - that's never the case. However, in a good relationship, you and your partner have each other's interests at heart, and you each feel like you are changing for the better. You feel very secure, and it allows you to relax.<br /><br />It's amazing how much better your mind and body work when you have some level of peace and a sense of security. I can't tell you how many times people have called my show saying that they feel they're lacking in some area for one reason or another, and I ask them, "So, are you saying that your husband/wife is stupid? Because they seem to think you're nice, attractive, talented, and interesting." A big reason relationships help you grow is because your partner usually sees something objectively that has been hard for you to accept emotionally. It's not unusual for you to start rejecting your distorted, self-critical perception of yourself when your spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend, who you admire tremendously and love, sees you more positively than you see yourself. <br /><br />There was one woman who I had in therapy a while back who went through this very process. When she came to me, she was the stereotypical dumb blonde. She had overly bleached hair, huge boobs, and a dingy way of speaking. Then one day when we were talking in a session, she started to analyze something quite intelligently and articulately. I just sat there with my eyes opened wide like a kid in a candy store for the first time. I realized that behind this dumb blonde shtick was a very smart woman. After gently nudging her for a while, I got her to start attending community college. She would bring me papers she'd written for her philosophy class, and I remember reading them thinking, "Wow, I could never have written this. It's brilliant!" She went on to graduate, and she now has an esteemed position. I am very proud of her. <br /><br />For this woman, the turning point was simply me believing in her. She had come from a very disruptive and destructive family, and she had been into every drug known to man (it's a miracle she was still alive). However, because I believed in her, she decided to believe in herself. The same goes for intimate relationships. <strong><em>When you are in a quality relationship and your dearly beloved believes in you, you believe in yourself. </em></strong><br /><br />Relationships also help you become a better person because <strong><em>your partner introduces you to new things.</em></strong> They've probably had a million different experiences you haven't. Generally speaking, <em>you get introduced to terrific things and expand your attributes and talents.</em> You learn to do sports or hobbies you would have never thought of doing, like watching science fiction movies or going whitewater rafting. <br /><br />In addition, <strong><em>your partner's good habits will rub off on you.</em></strong> Whether it's <em>their ability to cope emotionally, their physical fitness level, their commitment to eating right, their knack for managing finances, or their choice of friends,</em> you can benefit from their good habits. This happens a lot in marriages. For example, if one spouse is more hyper than the other, the hyper one will become more calm and collected, and the more sedated one will become more energized. They offer each other their positive parts and end up creating a nice mix if they are open and supportive of each other. <br /><br />Another benefit of being in a relationship is that <strong><em>you are encouraged to be yourself and expand who you are.</em></strong> If you love to sing but have anxiety about performing, your partner can encourage you to take some lessons or sing at the local restaurant on Wednesday nights. If singing is how you love to express yourself, your beloved will encourage you. <br /><br />That's another reason why relationships are great: <strong><em>you and your partner are there to support each other.</em></strong> Be it emotional support (being their cheering section), physiological support (giving them a hug), or financial support (working extra hours so they can have the money to do something), it's all about helping each other out. When you've had a bad day, there's nothing like coming home to a hug (*note: no matter how bad you are feeling, make sure you give your spouse a hug when he or she comes home after they've had a bad day). <br /><br />A final way relationships help you grow is that <strong><em>you are held accountable for your behavior.</em></strong> For example, women, in particular, like to talk negativity. We spend a lot of time expecting the men in our lives to sit and listen to us bitch and moan about what has hurt and upset us. Guys can hear it once, and then they want to fix it. They don't want to keep hearing about the same drama with your mother or sister over and over again (guys, the same goes for repeating the "I'm angry with my boss" story every day). You are going to be held accountable by your partner because they won't tolerate certain constant behaviors like this. It's a good thing when your partner draws the line and says, "Enough of this!," because it ultimately makes you a better person. <br /><br />As Jack Nicholson said in the film, <em>As Good As It Gets</em>, "You make me want to be a better man." That's the whole point of relationships - they help make you a better man (or woman). <br /><br /><br />
<p> </p>Staff2012-12-06T08:00:00ZDay Cares Don't CareStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Day-Cares-Dont-Care/686346185196381789.html2012-12-05T22:02:00Z2012-12-05T22:02:00Z<p>When it comes to the crucial age of being a new little person on the face of the earth, not even the best center-based day care can provide children with what they really need. Kids require one-on-one, loving care that responds to them individually. Spending hours away from home prevents little children and parents from establishing the intimate and emotional bonds necessary for both the parent-child relationship and the child's overall development. <br /> <br />I consider day care to be neglect and child abandonment. There has been sufficient research over the years demonstrating the negative impact of day care on children. Here are just a few negative facts about day care from a website called "<a href="http://www.daycaresdontcare.org/faqs.htm" target="_blank">Daycares Don't Care</a>." () I have promoted it many times because the creators are very scientific in their research:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em><strong>*</strong> "Kids do not learn social skills through interacting with other kids any more than children learn to play the piano through interacting with other musically illiterate children. Children learn social skills through observing and emulating adult behavior".</em><br /><em> </em><br /><em><strong>*</strong> "The typical day care center provides the stimulation and educational opportunity of a day in prison -- and spreads far more infection and communicable disease than the county jail."</em><br /><em> </em><br /><em><strong>* </strong>"Saying, 'My kids went to day care, and they turned out OK,' is like saying, 'Some kids went to orphanages, and they turned out OK.' But who would want to deliberately put their kids through that?!"</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em><strong>*</strong> "A religious institution's day care (Bible Day Care) is no better. Whether it's in a church, synagogue, mosque, or temple, it's still a day care! Even worse, many states exempt religious child-care programs from inspections and regulations that other day-care programs are subject to. (By the way, are you sure the day care is really part of your church, or is your church just renting space to your day care?)"</em></p>
<p>It doesn't even really matter if the <a href="http://suite101.com/article/the-negative-effects-of-daycare-on-small-children-a394017" target="_blank">day care</a> is licensed or state approved: </p>
<p><em>"Child abusers can easily craft neatly-typed resumes with impressive-sounding references...Even for facilities that are licensed and inspected, breaking the rules usually means little more than a slap on the wrist. The unfortunate truth is that even demonstratably bad day-care centers are unlikely to be shut down. Though criminal-background checks are required of workers at licensed or subsidized child-care facilities, even a jury's conviction doesn't necessarily put someone out of the child-care business. Child-care inspectors...bend over backward to give day-care providers a chance to correct a problem - sometimes they bend too far - but it is very hard to take someone's license away once it is granted." </em><br /> <br />I once saw a video of a <em>licensed</em> day care in Detroit where a 9-year-old boy was beating the crap out of toddlers and kicking them like a ninja. And what was the day-care supervisor doing? She was just standing there, doing nothing. She was arrested, of course, but that won't be able to fix the damage done to those traumatized little kids.</p>
<p>Sometimes people argue that kids from very poor families benefit from being put in day care early on. However, research shows that the "benefit" has nothing to do with any inherent merits of day care. <em>For these children, day care may have a positive effect on their language and cognitive skills because they are not experiencing that development at home.</em> If the child comes from a stable home with caring parents, then he or she receives no benefit from day care. <br /> <br />Now, it would be mean to blame parents who want the best for their kids and truly have absolutely no alternative but to send them to day care. In fact, I have recommended day care if you know that you are a sucky mother. However, whether you're doing it out of necessity or not, it doesn't change the fact that day care is not a good thing for kids. I have tremendous compassion for mothers who don't have options, but you can't say, "It's a good thing for kids," simply because you don't have options. It may be unpopular or frustrating for parents to hear because they are struggling with finances, feeling worried about their careers, or simply having a difficult time raising their kids, but that doesn't make it right. </p>
<p>As it turns out, most women who are stay-at-home moms are from modest-income homes. This debunks the argument made by a lot of women who say they "have" to work out of economic necessity. <a href="http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/parenting/pa0051.html" target="_blank">Statistically</a>, <em>more women whose husbands earn less than the median income are stay-at-home moms.</em> Therefore, what it really comes down to is a question of values, and taking care of children simply doesn't seem to be a value of upper class or upper-middle class families.</p>
<p> <br />Essentially, parents think they can do whatever they want and their kids will be fine. However, we know that's not true. Having your infant or toddler at home being cared for by either a loving parent or grandparent is the ideal. Whether that's possible for you or not, it's still the ideal. We shouldn't disparage it simply because people feel like they don't have options or feel guilty about it, especially when, more often than not, it is possible. It just takes proper planning and sacrifice.</p>
<p>For more information about how day cares don't care, <a href="http://pennstatehershey.adam.com/content.aspx?productId=117&pid=1&gid=001974" target="_blank">click here</a>.</p>
<p> </p>Staff2012-12-05T22:02:00ZVideo: Stuck in the Middle of a Divorce BattleStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Stuck-in-the-Middle-of-a-Divorce-Battle/165045664149801328.html2012-12-04T20:15:00Z2012-12-04T20:15:00Z<p>You're long time friends with a great couple. The four of you are so close you even have them as the godparents to your children. Now they announce they're getting a divorce. How do you not take sides in their conflict? Watch:<br /><br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/1sHxISfzY5Q" height="349"></iframe><br /><br />Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2012-12-04T20:15:00ZWhy Are We So Mean Online?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Are-We-So-Mean-Online/-847080367423172787.html2012-12-03T08:00:00Z2012-12-03T08:00:00ZHuman beings have a tremendous capacity for evil, cruelty and meanness, and a lot of times, they consciously choose to be that way. Even good people have mean moments. They know exactly what they're doing, but they do it anyway because being cruel makes them feel good. As with anything in life, the higher up the ladder you are, the more haters are going to unload on you. If you raise your head above the crowd, somebody's going to come around with a sword and even you out. <br /><br />One of the most prevalent examples of this is seen in how people talk to each other online. People use the Internet as a place where they can spew their vitriol, show their muscle, and have momentary feelings of power and superiority. They check every five minutes to see how many people "like" them or how many "friends" they have. Then, they vent their frustrations and post mean comments to each other because they are jealous about what they see other people accomplishing. A lot of them want to believe they're special. If anyone - a friend, neighbor, or family member - criticizes them or says otherwise, their egos get deflated and they attack.<br /><br />But <a href="http://voices.yahoo.com/reasons-why-people-leave-mean-comments-online-6484556.html?cat=7" target="_blank">why are people so nasty online in particular? </a><br /><br />One of the main reasons is that <strong><em>their faces can't be seen</em></strong>. A social interaction on the Internet is not 1 percent as intimate and fulfilling as interacting in person, and therefore, many people hide there. It's easy. Looking somebody square in the eye and saying something mean is a lot harder to do. It takes a very particular kind of person to be able to do that without turning red. In general, when you're making eye contact, it's tougher to be your most base self. <br /><br />Another explanation for why people are so cruel to each other online is because <em><strong>they are bored</strong></em>. When you spend a ridiculous amount of hours just browsing and surfing the web, <em>eventually you're going to need some drama or stimulation</em>. So, hey, why not randomly attack somebody and see if you can get a rise out of them? <br /><br />If you find yourself getting caught up in someone else's mean behavior online, my solution is simple: get a life! Do you seriously think it's useful to waste your life spending hours on the Internet?! The Internet is not a life - it's instead of life. <br /><br />I think our ability to use the Internet for information and important communication is an amazing technological feat. However, just like having one glass of wine after dinner is fine but getting fall-down drunk is not, the way you use the Internet matters. The big problem is that it's being used for terrorism, bullying, and destroying people's reputations, not productivity.<br /><br />Staff2012-12-03T08:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-414160167514840528.html2012-11-30T08:00:00Z2012-11-30T08:00:00Z<p><em>Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome.</em><br /><br />Samuel Johnson <br />English poet, essayist and lexicographer<br />1709-1784</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/moon.jpg" alt="" width="506" height="338" /></p>Staff2012-11-30T08:00:00ZSingle-Income Families Are Still PossibleStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Single-Income-Families-Are-Still-Possible/268320293455421521.html2012-11-29T08:00:00Z2012-11-29T08:00:00ZI can't tell you how many times I have been doing a public appearance when some woman in the audience has stood up and started yelling at me for saying that moms should stay at home with their kids. I remember one woman in particular who said, "I'm at work from 6 in the morning until 8 at night, and I am a very good mother!" I paused a moment, and then responded, "So, if you did not go in to your job from 6 to 8, could you say that you were a good employee and an asset to the company?" <br /><br />She just looked at me with her jaw hanging open. <br /><br />Many women try to justify not staying at home with their kids, but being a mommy is not something you should hire out. Why? Let's assume for a moment that I wasn't there for one day of my son's life. Instead of staying home, let's pretend that I got up, went to work, and came home right when he was going to sleep. Should I say that's the right thing to do just because I want to justify my actions? Of course not. Yet, there are women out there who attack other women for being stay-at-home moms because they are not at-home moms themselves. That's what the "mommy wars" are all about: working mothers who <em>choose</em> not to be at home with their kids attacking those who make the sacrifices. A lot of young men and women are being brought up by feminists who say that a woman being protected and provided for is a waste of her life. <br /><br />I won't lie - it's very hard to live on one income. Trust me. I've walked the talk and know how difficult it can be. I remember very clearly walking into inexpensive malls with my kidlet and crying because I couldn't buy him a second pair of shoes. But for better or for worse, I wanted to be a mommy. When my son was little, I would take care of him all day and then go to work around 9 or 10 at night. When he was old enough to go to school, I transitioned to going on the air during the day. By doing that, I got to reap the rewards of being there for him and having all of his influences come from me. <br /><br />Even though becoming a single-income parent requires a lot of sacrifices, it is doable. In order to make the transition, there are a few things you have to do in advance: <br />
<ul>
<li><em><strong>Make sure you're marrying someone who is on the same page as you.</strong></em> I talked to a couple one time who were both letter carriers. What they did was put the wife's salary in the bank for one year and didn't touch it. When the year was over, they had no outstanding debts and realized that they could get by on one income. She quit her job, got pregnant, and became a stay-at-home mom. So, before you even think about getting married, you need to discuss the future and make plans. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><em><strong>Build up some emergency funds and backup cash.</strong></em> Similar to the couple I just mentioned, spend a year living on only one income, eliminate any outstanding debts, and pile everything else into a bank account. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong><em>Don't buy new cars.</em></strong> <em>You hear about new cars being safer and more convenient, but don't be fooled. There are plenty of safe, roomy, and convenient USED options. </em> You don't want to have to pay the price of a new car (which drops in value the minute you roll out of the dealership), or take on the cost of new car insurance either.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong><em>Don't attempt to compete with two-income families.</em></strong> The reason why they have disposable income may very well be because they're neglecting and abandoning their children. That's not a tradeoff you want to make. </li>
</ul>
In addition, you have to learn how to be a <strong><em>"home economist."</em></strong> This is quite easy. One thing I've noticed is that it's actually women of more modest means who generally make the decision to be mothers when they have children. There are many wonderful websites out there for at-home parents. Just type "at-home parent" into your browser, and you'll find coupons galore. <br /><br />I still use coupons to this day. There's no reason not to. Just because you have some money doesn't mean you should throw it away:<br />
<ul>
<li><strong><em>There are coupons for EVERYTHING</em></strong> - <em>food, clothes, pet supplies, computer accessories, and more.</em> Have you noticed when you order something on the net that there's always a space to write in a coupon code? The minute I see that, I think, "Whoops, I should have found one!" I am always looking for coupons. I don't go to craft stores without them. Art and craft places like Michaels have coupon specials going on all the time. I always wait for the one that's 20 percent off everything to stock up on the stuff I need (the key word there being <em>"need"</em> not <em>"want"</em>). </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>There are <strong><em>cash-back sites</em></strong> <em>like Ebates.com, which give you money back on the purchases you make from your favorite stores. There are also <strong>credit cards that offer cash-back incentives for the money you spend. </strong></em> However, be sure to use these types of cards carefully. If you start spending right and left thinking, "Oh well, I'm getting money back," you're going to end up spending too much. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong><em>Look for restaurants that have family meals</em></strong> ("two-for-one adult meals," or "kids eat free"). Try to find coupons for restaurants as well.</li>
</ul>
Here are <a href="http://stayathomemoms.about.com/od/moneymatters/a/savemoneysahm.htm" target="_blank">some more tips</a> on how to become a <a href="http://www.thriftyfun.com/tf75669730.tip.html" target="_blank">"home economist"</a>:<br />
<ul>
<li><strong><em>Pack lunches.</em></strong> I'm definitely a "pack a lunch" kind of girl. It's cheaper, healthier, and you get exactly what you want. For one thing, you can avoid buying all that flavor-injected meat and fish.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong><em>Shop at the Salvation Army.</em></strong> You can often find new stuff like toys that nobody has opened. Kids don't have to know where it came from. I once went to a really nice thrift store with a friend who was on a tight budget, and we got her daughter a bunch of nice tops and sweaters for only $25. It was unbelievable. They looked brand-new to us. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong><em>Check your cell phone plan.</em></strong> There are plans that include free calls to everyone on the same network. <em>Again, be cautious because a lot of them come with expensive monthly bills and long-term contracts. </em> </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><em><strong>Participate in online barter groups.</strong></em> These are very cool. One participant wrote, <em>"I've received clothes for myself and the kids, toys, musical instruments, books, movies, etc. all in exchange for things that I no longer need but are still functional and someone else can use."</em></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong><em>Homeschool your kids. </em></strong><em> You won't have to buy special school clothes, waste time driving to the campus, or be involved in school fundraisers. </em> And even more importantly, you can make sure your kids actually get an education. Imagine that.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><em><strong>Cook healthy meals.</strong></em> Preparing veggies and protein at every meal can be very economical, especially if you buy things in bulk at places like Costco.</li>
</ul>
You can find page after page of <a href="http://frugaldad.com/2008/03/20/lessons-learned-from-living-ten-years-on-one-income/" target="_blank">websites</a> telling you how to save money as a stay-at-home parent. No matter what your income level, it's stupid not to use them: <br />
<ul>
<li>On <a href="http://stayathomemoms.about.com/od/moneymatters/a/savemoneysahm.htm" target="_blank">Stayathomemoms.about.com</a>, one woman wrote that she doesn't use the lights or the dishwasher, do the laundry, or consume much electricity during the day because it's more expensive. She does one load a day at 11 p.m. She has a cup of tea and relaxes, throws the clothes in the dryer, and gets them out before the baby gets up in the morning. That's it. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Tightwad-Gazette-Amy-Dacyczyn/dp/0375752250" target="_blank">TightWadGazette</a>. [No longer a website. Was made into a book.]</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><a href="http://homeparents.about.com/" target="_blank">Homeparents.about.com</a>.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.savingadvice.com/" target="_blank">SavingAdvice.com</a>. </li>
</ul>
The bottom line is that you need to care enough about your children to raise them. If you can't or won't, then don't have them. And when you do decide to make sacrifices for them, don't bitch about it - ever. If you can't go out and buy a lot of jewelry and clothes just think, "It's a small price to pay to have peace, joy, and contentment." Being a full-time parent is a very rewarding experience for both you and your child, and with a little planning, you can not only stay at home with your kids, but you can enjoy the process too. <br /><br />Staff2012-11-29T08:00:00ZThe Importance of Getting Your Kids OutdoorsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Importance-of-Getting-Your-Kids-Outdoors/738517565387813746.html2012-11-28T08:00:00Z2012-11-28T08:00:00Z<p>The <a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=American+Academy+of+Pediatrics&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a" target="_blank">American Academy of Pediatrics</a> recommends that children be physically active for <em>at least 60 minutes per day</em>, although they stress that the activity doesn't have to be consecutive. Is that not the stupidest thing you've ever heard? As long as the time they spend walking across the living room and back to go to the bathroom or play video games adds up to an hour, that's considered OK. It's no wonder nearly <em>two-thirds of children in the United States are overweight or obese.</em> </p>
<p>I know this may sound obvious, but I'm going to say it anyway: children who spend more time outdoors are less likely to be fat. According to the National Environmental Education Foundation, <em>kids living within two-thirds of a mile of a park with a playground are five times more likely to have higher levels of physical activity and weigh less.</em> In addition, <em>children exposed to nature can reduce their stress levels by as much as a third. It only takes a 20-minute walk outside to help children with ADHD concentrate better</em> (believe it or not, you don't have to just drug them).</p>
<p>With all that being said, it's hard to imagine why so many of our kids are overweight when there are <em>more than 20,000 parks and 11,000 playgrounds totaling over 1.5 million acres in cities</em> across the U.S. When my son was little, I'd put him in the kid seat on the back of my English racer and ride him over to the park to play all the time. I don't know why more people with kids don't try moving closer to areas with parks nearby.</p>
<p>What I really don't understand is why kids these days don't want to go outside. When I was young, the last thing in the world I wanted to do was be in the house. That's where your parents could tell you what you could and couldn't do. Instead, I'd always be outside running, riding my bike, hiking, and playing ball with friends. And it wasn't called exercise - it was called <em>playing</em>. Nowadays, kids have Wii and Xbox, and they need special shoes and other electronic equipment in order to be active.</p>
<p>I think one of the reasons kids aren't as active is that a lot of parents are either too busy or just too lazy to pay attention to what their kids are doing, where they are doing it, and who they are doing it with. They also take their children to sedentary "mommy and me" groups where they sit there and put one block on top of the other. Whatever happened to kids going outside, running, pushing, and falling down laughing? Parents need to stop being so freaked out about the possibility of their child getting a boo-boo. My theory is if your kid turns 18 with no scars or broken bones, you have been too controlling (I can't tell you how relieved I was when my son broke his arm when he was 17).</p>
<p>Furthermore, a recent <a href="http://thechart.blogs.cnn.com/2012/05/28/friendships-influence-kids-activity-levels/" target="_blank">study</a> suggests that your child's social network of friends can greatly influence how much they move their butts. The journal <em>Pediatrics</em> conducted <em>a study of 81 kids between the ages of 5 and 12 for 12 weeks in an after-school program. They interviewed the kids about who they were hanging out with the most and equipped them with devices called accelerometers to measure their activity levels.</em> What the researchers found was the children's activity levels increased or decreased depending on who they were hanging out with. If a child's friend was sedentary, then he or she would also be inactive. When given the choice to keep their activity levels the same or change them to match those of their pals, the children were <em>six times more likely to match their friends.</em></p>
<p>The takeaway from this study is that kids are influenced by their peers, even in how much they exercise. You need to arrange play dates and encourage your children to have relationships with kids who are active. Even if your child tends to be sedentary on his or her own, having friends that like to play will make them more likely to go out, run around, ride bikes, and do normal kid stuff. </p>
<p>As parents, you need to get your kids playing outside. Limit their electronic media use to an hour a day. Don't let them sit there staring at a screen all day with hyperactive thumbs - it's like a scene out of a scary movie. </p>Staff2012-11-28T08:00:00ZVideo: My Spouse Won't Lose WeightStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-My-Spouse-Wont-Lose-Weight/-525804583862475640.html2012-11-27T16:37:00Z2012-11-27T16:37:00Z<p>What do you do when your loved one is obese, has heart disease in their family, and won't lose weight? Watch:<br /><br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/25b3z66-TZA" height="349"></iframe><br /><br />Read the <a href="/blog?categoryID=12">transcript.</a></p>Staff2012-11-27T16:37:00ZNightmarish Dream WeddingsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Nightmarish-Dream-Weddings/-980160705216718242.html2012-11-26T15:49:00Z2012-11-26T15:49:00Z<p>The economy is really bad, and it's not going to get better anytime soon. Because finances are such an issue, practicality is especially important these days. However, a lot of people still have delusions of grandeur about certain things like weddings. Many of them watch too much reality television and get swept away by the fairy tale nonsense. Instead of seeing a wedding as a stage for making vows to love, cherish, protect, hold dear, and support in sickness and in health, they (especially women) look at it as a major opportunity to be queen for a day.</p>
<p>The <a href="http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/money/perfi/basics/story/2012-08-09/wedding-costs/56921020/1" target="_blank">average couple spends</a> <em>$27,000</em> on their wedding. Talk about extravaganzas. I think the reason for this is because women, in particular, are pressured by friends, family, and even strangers. They are also victimized by media visions, such as all those incredible photos you see posted on Pinterest. These kinds of things are what create the sense of fantasy and cause weddings to go way over budget. </p>
<p>Sadly, what results is couples starting their lives together in debt and often without the resources to go on a honeymoon. When you're young, you already have a lot of bills. If you've got $30,000 in student loans to pay off in addition to the wedding, you are not going to have enough money to live on. Marriage is already tough enough without the added stress of money problems. </p>
<p>In addition, parents borrow on their homes or dip into their retirement funds to pay for their kids' weddings. It's not all that surprising seeing that couples, on average, spend <em>$12,000 on the reception and $5,000 for the engagement ring</em>.</p>
<p>We really need to simplify. Love is simple and sweet. You're planning a celebration of vows, not the Academy Awards. <em>At a time when the median U.S. income is about $45,000, no one should be spending $27,000 on a single event.</em> In one article I read, a couple said, "If it were up to us, we would have a taco truck and a DJ." However, instead, women spend thousands and thousands of dollars on dresses that they are (hopefully) only going to wear one time. What happened to this being a touching and meaningful occasion? </p>
<p>If you want to cut down on your wedding costs, here are some <a href="http://www.moneyallocator.com/articles/wedding_expenses.asp" target="_blank">helpful tips</a>:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">1. <em><strong>Avoid wedding season</strong></em>. <em>Wedding season is traditionally May through October.</em> If you get married off season, things will be a lot cheaper. In addition, <em>avoid the highest-priced time charged by reception halls (Saturday at 7 p.m.).</em> </p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">2. <strong><em>Limit the guest list. </em></strong> When your parents and friends want to bring people you've never even heard of, you need to tell them "no." Your mom or dad might object, "But, I do business with these people!," however, the answer is still "no." There should be nobody at your wedding that a) you don't know, or b) you don't think is there to support your vows. I know that's a novel concept these days, but it's an important one. You shouldn't be walking around the room wondering, "Who the hell is that?" If your parents want to invite business partners or other friends, let them have their own party at some other time and invite all these extraneous people to celebrate that their kid got married.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">3. <strong><em>Consider having a wedding buffet, luncheon, brunch, or just a dessert reception instead of a multi-course wedding dinner.</em></strong> You don't need to have a major sit-down dinner. <em>You also don't have to go overboard with desserts.</em> Most of the time, people have stuffed themselves and don't want to eat a huge dessert. You could offer them cookies or other itty bitty things instead. And as for the booze - <em>buy it yourself. It'll be much cheaper than having a catering hall provide it.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">4. <strong><em>Rethink the location.</em></strong> Consider having your wedding at a national park or the beach. Ask a relative or friend to use their backyard. I've had several friends' weddings in my backyard. I said to them, "Do you know how much money you are going to save if you just have your wedding at my house? We can rent some tables and spiff it up. It has got a beautiful view, and most importantly, it's free. That's a good price."</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">5. <strong><em>Save on flowers and decor.</em></strong> Instead of spending a ton of money on floral arrangements, buy some small, inexpensive vases and dress them up with ribbons and other accessories. Then, get your flowers from the grocery store. It's as simple as that.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">6. <strong><em>Cut down on attire. </em></strong> <em>Attire accounts for 10 percent of the average wedding cost.</em> Did you know that you can rent a gown? <em>Check out sample sales, department stores and outlet stores.</em> You don't have to pay $2,000-7,000 for a dress you're not going to wear again. Even if you get divorced and remarried four times, you're probably not going to wear that same dress. And, if you try to sell a $5,000 dollar dress, you may only get $750 for it. It's a ridiculous expense - rent a gown for the night.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">7. <em><strong>Go for a DJ instead of live music.</strong></em> <em>Couples spend an average of 8 percent of their wedding expenses on music.</em> DJs are very popular these days, and they are much cheaper than hiring a live band.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">8. <strong><em>Get an amateur to take your photos and videos.</em></strong> Why go through all the hassles and fights you're bound to have with a professional photographer? Hire an amateur. Check out the local colleges where people are studying photography and find somebody there. Or, like one wedding I went to, put disposable cameras on every table so that your guests can take pictures of each other. You'll end up with quite a lot of pictures. </p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">9. <strong><em>Send your wedding invitations via email.</em></strong> I recently got invited to a baby shower via Evite. All I had to do was click "yay" or "nay" to RSVP. It was very cute. Something like that is a whole lot less expensive than the 42 different envelopes packed into one with all the tissue paper and stamps. Forget all that. Use the net.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">10. <strong><em>Don't have so many bridesmaids, and let them wear their own choice of attire.</em></strong> It saves money and makes everybody happier. Give them a color scheme and say, "Whatever it is, it needs to be ____ shade of blue." You can even send them all a swatch of that shade for comparison. In addition, you only need to have one or two bridesmaids. You are not one of the royals in England. </p>
<p>Nowadays, people tend to spend more time on the desserts and who's going to sit where than they do on what they're actually committing to: their sacred vows. Keep it simple, keep it sweet, and most importantly, keep it meaningful. </p>Staff2012-11-26T15:49:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/549816692708014193.html2012-11-16T15:18:00Z2012-11-16T15:18:00Z<p><em>May your stuffing be tasty</em><br /><em>May your turkey be plump</em><br /><em>May your potatoes and gravy</em><br /><em>Have nary a lump.</em><br /><em>May your yams be delicious</em><br /><em>And your pies take the prize,</em><br /><em>And may your Thanksgiving dinner</em><br /><em>Stay off your thighs!</em></p>
<p>Author unknown</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/tday_humor.jpg" alt="" width="445" height="270" /></p>Staff2012-11-16T15:18:00ZVideo: 'Amaize' Me with Your Corny JokesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Amaize-Me-with-Your-Corny-Jokes/526533021946290210.html2012-11-13T21:45:00Z2012-11-13T21:45:00Z<p>For centuries now, it has come to pass on my program that the day before Thanksgiving be declared: Corny Joke Day! Come join the fun!<br /><br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/_t3NPYHNxg0" height="349"></iframe><br /><br />More information <strong><a href="/f/Corny-Joke-Day">here</a></strong>.</p>Staff2012-11-13T21:45:00ZWhen Someone Doesn't Like YouStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-Someone-Doesnt-Like-You/-866196587800446052.html2012-11-12T08:00:00Z2012-11-12T08:00:00Z<p>During one of my first days ever on radio, a woman called in and ripped me apart: "You are stupid! You don't know <em>anything</em>!" I was a once-a-week co-host for a show on KABC Los Angeles at the time. I was 28 and, quite frankly, a little shy. As she yelled and yelled, I just sat there listening and watched the main host's eyes getting bigger and bigger. I don't remember how he handled it because I was too busy crying and sobbing in my mind. Tears were silently pouring out of my eyeballs, and I felt horrible. Even though nine months to the day later that same woman called back and apologized, I'll never forget how it felt getting personally attacked in front of such a large audience for the first time. </p>
<p>No matter who you are, we all <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wander-woman/201209/what-do-when-someone-doesn-t-you" target="_blank">care if people like us</a>. We are social creatures. <em>Feeling love, affection and belonging is very necessary to us.</em> If you really want to torture somebody, isolate them. That's probably one of the worst kinds of torture. </p>
<p>Unfortunately, nobody is liked by everyone (except for maybe Carol Burnett). Everybody has their detractors. The pope. God. Everyone. And most of the time, it is not based on anything concretely objective. Probably 90 percent of someone not liking you has very little to do with you. It has more to do with their perceptions and their inner emotional world. When someone hates you, it's usually because you tickle something inside of them that they really need to deal with. Envy and jealousy often play a big role. They may be resenting a number of different things about you - your age, intelligence, occupation, success...whatever. It may come across as personal and it may feel personal, but you have to realize that it may have nothing to do with you. It might simply be your point of view that they can't tolerate. A lot of you experience that when you stand up for your values or your family (e.g. you speak up about a young person who has a grand party after they get knocked up out of wedlock, and everybody digs in to you as if you were Charles Manson). </p>
<p>Another thing to keep in mind is that people sometimes say stupid things. They may not really mean any harm, or you might have simply misconstrued what they said. We often misinterpret things as criticism because of how they are worded. It's hilarious when you take a second and ask, "Whoa, wait. Did you mean that as a criticism?," and the other person says, "What?! No! What I meant was something completely different." However, if you don't communicate with them and just assume the worst, you're not going to get clarification. When you hear someone make a negative comment about you, first ask yourself, "What was the intent of the comment? Did they really mean to harm me?" Usually the answer is "no." </p>
<p>However, if the other person did mean for their comment to be negative and you truly believe that he or she doesn't like you, the next important question to ask yourself is, "Why do I give a damn?" <em>Are you really going to let that person's judgment (no matter who they are) impact your entire life? You have to resist the urge to try and fix them or change their opinions. Just move forward with your life.</em> Sometimes you simply have to let that helium balloon of negativity go. You have to think, "They don't like me, and they're saying bad things about me...So what?!" The only people who are going to believe the bad things said about you are the ones primed to not like you in the first place. So, after you've assessed whether or not a person dislikes you, you should do your best Clark Gable and say, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."</p>
<p>Now, of course there's an exception to this rule. Sometimes people don't like us because we are indeed behaving in an unlikeable manner. For example, you may be trying so hard to please someone that you come across as obnoxious instead. For this reason, you need to be aware of how you are presenting yourself. </p>
<p>If you think you're causing someone to react negatively toward you, take the criticism constructively. Another part of being social beings is that <em>we need people to talk to us, listen to us, and even challenge us</em>. We need that interaction. We don't realize our potential in a vacuum - we recognize it in situations with other people. </p>
<p>And yet, by the same token, you can't be too hard on yourself. Although it's a normal part of people's psyches, you have to remember not to be self-deprecating. Of course it's good to be reminded that you are human and to give yourself a good smack upside the head every now and again, but you also have to make a conscious effort to tell yourself not to be negative. It's good to have trusted friends and family around for moral support and to remind you of your strengths. That way, you can work on yourself but also learn the skill of allowing things to roll off your back.</p>
<p>You have to consciously balance your need to be liked with the reality of the situation. A lot of folks have trouble with this, including me. If you feel you are not being treated right in a relationship with a friend or family member, don't let your desire to be liked eclipse common sense. You always have to ask yourself, "What is true?" One of the things I used to do with couples who complained about each other in therapy is ask, "Do you believe he/she acted with the intent to hurt or humiliate you? Do you think they thought it through and made that decision consciously?" </p>
<p>More often than not, I would get a "no."</p>Staff2012-11-12T08:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/132633226786772908.html2012-11-09T08:00:00Z2012-11-09T08:00:00Z<p><em>Battles are sometimes won by generals; wars are nearly always won by sergeants and privates.</em></p>
<p>Sir Frank E. Adcock<br />British classical historian of Greece and Rome<br />Cryptographer in World Wars I and II<br />1886-1968</p>
<p>Be sure to remember our veterans on Sunday, November 11.</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/soldiers.jpg" alt="" width="507" height="338" /></p>Staff2012-11-09T08:00:00ZHow to Be an Effective ParentStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Be-an-Effective-Parent/-2067132097120513.html2012-11-08T08:00:00Z2012-11-08T08:00:00Z<p>It is becoming clearer and clearer in today's society that parents are scared to death of actually being parents, leaders, and authority figures to their kids. Consequently, the kids run the house, and the "parents" are left feeling frustrated because they can't get them to do anything except give them lip and attitude.</p>
<p>In my opinion, the current epidemic of incapable parents started with abortions (when children became disposable) and was made worse by day care (when parents didn't have to be involved). Throw in shack-ups, people having more and more kids out of wedlock, and the perpetual cycle of divorce and remarriage, and you've got the kind of parenting we have today. This may all sound a little wing nutty to you, but all of these things have indicated to me that there's a lack of primacy in people's minds about the needs and well-being of children. I mean, if you can kill kids in your body or send them off to an institution all day, there doesn't seem to be a lot of concern involved. </p>
<p>There are a couple of things you need to be aware of as a parent. First, it is not about the <em>quality</em>, but the <em>quantity</em> of time you spend with your kids. Kids don't just need quality moments to feel secure and know that you care about them. If you give them quantity, the quality moments will be covered, and when they don't have quality moments, you'll still be there.</p>
<p>Consistency is also an integral part of parenting. There are a lot of folks out there who are lazy and think being consistent requires too much effort. However, if one parent is consistent and the other isn't, the kid will figure out how to use the inconsistent parent against the steady one. Inconsistency impacts a child's emotional security. There's something comforting about knowing your role and place within a set of rules. When kids know their responsibilities and understand what's expected of them in a hierarchy of power, they have a better opportunity to grow. When they know that there will be consequences if they cross the line, they tend to be more secure in life. </p>
<p>Consequences need to be reasonable and it's helpful if they are already made known ahead of time. Try to make them as close to the issue as possible. Let's say, for example, that your teen lies about where he or she has gone. The consequence should be they can't go anywhere unsupervised for a while. If they misuse or abuse a cell phone, iPad, or computer, then they should lose it for a while until they earn it back. </p>
<p>The "earning it back" is usually the part parents leave out of punishments. It's not just about making your child suffer for a period of time; it's about giving them time to figure out a way to earn something back. You can always give your child a hint, such as, "You breached my trust, and now I don't trust you. To regain my trust (or whatever it may be), you have got to figure out a way to earn it back." That gets them thinking about themselves and their own destiny. It also teaches them something about interacting with other people and what they owe them. They have to learn that the world is not just about them.</p>
<p>Any character trait you want your child to have, you have to model. Be it politeness, consideration or love, they have to see it played out between Mom and Dad, relatives, and friends. If somebody you know is struggling with an illness or going through a rough patch and your child sees you bringing them some soup or baking them a pie, they are going to grow up with that as a reflex notion. </p>
<p>Finally, giving your kids whatever they want or letting them do whatever they want is not how you should show them love. Children are not your friends - they are wild little creatures that have to be socialized and made into decent human beings so they can produce something of value in the world. Love is shown through actions (i.e. the time we spend with them, and the gentle touches, hugs and kisses we give them). Let them know when they've done something really well or you are impressed with them. Give them little gifts now and then. It doesn't have to be anything major, just look for little, silly things they might like. For example, I remember when my kid was little and I was bouncing around the country for short bursts (a day or day and a half), I'd buy him a keychain from every city. I came close to missing the plane a couple times while I was trying to find a keychain, but it was worth it because it made him happy to know I was thinking about him. He'd put them all on his backpack. </p>
<p>When you do something for your kid without them expecting you to do it for them, you provide a better model of love. Just say, "I know you've been under the weather," or "I see you've been working really hard at school." "How about I make your favorite dinner?," or "How about we sit and watch your favorite movie (with some unbuttered popcorn)?" </p>
<p>Being an effective parent is in your power. Take responsibility, and you'll take away the attitude. </p>Staff2012-11-08T08:00:00ZVideo: He's Just Not Good in BedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Hes-Just-Not-Good-in-Bed/-54455133147464699.html2012-11-06T23:15:00Z2012-11-06T23:15:00Z<p>What do you do with a lover who is just not interested in "rocking your world"? Here's my answer:<br /><br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/iMmI0BgZYMI" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2012-11-06T23:15:00ZFake vs. Real Love - A 'Chemistry' LessonStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Fake-vs.-Real-Love---A-Chemistry-Lesson/327946285261285075.html2012-11-05T15:49:00Z2012-11-05T15:49:00Z<p>In today's world, you meet someone, you text, you think they're the greatest thing in the world, you have sex, and it's over. You don't even bother to get to know them - it's just, "Hello. Do you have 15 minutes? Let's hook up." The romance of actually trying to build a relationship is not much in season. Of course, there are shack-ups, but those are really just fake relationships. </p>
<p>I want to talk about the difference between <a href="http://ezinearticles.com/?Real-Love-Versus-the-Fake-Stuff&id=1952800" target="_blank">real love and the fake stuff</a>. <em><strong>Fake love is the immediate chemistry.</strong></em> We all know what that is - the chemical rush of horniness that can last from three weeks to a year and a half and then "Poof!" it's gone. It's a little different for males than females because they are each biologically focused on different things. Males are focused on their sperm taking over the world one female at a time. Females, on the other hand, are biologically concerned with safety, security, and being provided for so their babies will be safe. Although the biological system in human beings can be somewhat overridden, chemistry for a male is still a) she's a hot babe, and b) I'm going to look hot walking around with her. It's initially superficial, and it lasts longer the younger the male is. For the female, a male's attractiveness is semi-irrelevant (I mean, "piggy dirty" is not acceptable, but other than that, she doesn't care). She just wants to see if he can take care of her.</p>
<p>Men are perfectly capable of engaging in sex without emotional bonds. That's why prostitutes have always existed. Today, a lot of women are behaving like that, and it's one of the many reasons why female depression is so high. "Just having fun" leaves a lot of women feeling used up and lonely. They engage in multiple meaningless situations of physicality, which don't make anybody - men or women - feel better. It takes time to develop a relationship, and a lot of you folks aren't doing that. You are just trying to get some physical and emotional needs met. The problem with that is there's no giving involved - the cornerstone of a real relationship. </p>
<p><strong>The onset of real love and fake love can feel very similar.</strong> <em>It's obsessive - you can't think about anything else, and you might lose weight, sleep, or time.</em> However, when it's fake love, you are both only <em>projecting fantasies and assuming things about each other. You can't see future problems because you are both idealizing all of each other's qualities and insisting that the other person is the best you've ever met.</em> However, you haven't actually "met" them. You are only seeing an idealized version of that person. </p>
<p>That is why <strong>courting is so important</strong>. It's how you learn more about a person other than just, "She's beautiful and a bombshell in bed." You have to let the dust settle. Until that happens, you really have no idea if you're right for each other.</p>
<p>When two people immediately start planning for the future within weeks of meeting, it's a sign that they don't know a damn thing about each other. I've always told women that if a guy is proposing that quickly, it isn't because he loves them. <strong>Real love evolves into</strong> (and I know this word is going freak some people out) <strong>service</strong>. You see, fake love is all about how the other person makes <em>you</em> feel. Real love is about your commitment to making <em>someone else</em> feel good. Real love involves two people focusing on the needs of each other and <em>doing loving acts over and over again without anyone keeping score</em>. That's why fake love ends up being such a bummer and a letdown - you hit a wall because all you're thinking about is how you feel. </p>
<p>Now, <strong>just because fake love is largely about physicality doesn't mean it's unimportant to real love, especially in the case of men</strong>. I find it really annoying when women call my show saying they've gained between 30 and 50 lbs and still expect their husbands to love them exactly the same. Your husband may have deep feelings of caring and commitment toward you, but it doesn't change the fact that your blubber is not a turn-on. If you would have asked him, "What would you think if I gained a lot of weight," I guarantee you that his answer would have been, "I want you to be fit and nice-looking like you are now." Women get all mad and upset when I tell them that because they think, "If he loved me, he wouldn't say something so hurtful." Come on! All he's doing is telling you the damn truth. As a spouse, taking good care of yourself and being healthy are very important. Chemistry still matters later on, and a lot of it has to do with how you look to your spouse. </p>
<p>On another note, <strong>what happens when you don't have chemistry with someone?</strong></p>
<p>Well, some people hang around for a while to see if the chemistry will evolve. I'm not a big believer in that. I think there are probably some circumstances where that does happen, but beating your head against the wall to make it happen is probably not a good plan. When you hear about two long-time friends who start feeling sexy about each other one day, that is not really chemistry developing - it's just chemistry they weren't aware of that is now coming forth. In my opinion, the chemistry was probably there from day one, but their brains were not functioning on that level. </p>
<p><strong>If you have persisted and still don't feel chemistry, don't try to force things.</strong> It isn't fair to you or your potential partner to do that. You can't manufacture or counterfeit passion, and there is no substitute for chemistry. Give each romantic experiment a good try, but don't wait forever. If nothing happens, you have to move on. </p>Staff2012-11-05T15:49:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/327203100569570716.html2012-11-02T14:16:00Z2012-11-02T14:16:00Z<p><em>"An extra yawn one morning in springtime, an extra snooze one night in the autumn is all that we ask...."</em></p>
<p>Winston Churchill <br />British Prime Minister (1940-45; 1951-1955)<br />Winner of the Nobel Prize for Literature<br />1874 - 1965</p>
<p>Don't forget to turn your clocks <strong>back</strong> one hour for that "extra snooze" this weekend! </p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/fall_back.jpg" alt="" width="461" height="338" /></p>Staff2012-11-02T14:16:00ZBecoming a Mom - The New RealityStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Becoming-a-Mom---The-New-Reality/-536713312309804914.html2012-11-01T15:13:00Z2012-11-01T15:13:00Z<p>One of the scariest things in the universe is having to transition to being a mom. At first, it's a very romantic and cute idea. You picture the little baby always smiling, and you anticipate getting to hug him or her whenever you want. You think about how sweet it is that you and your spouse made this baby together as a composite of all your love for each other. It's going to be so much fun. You can't wait!</p>
<p>But then, the baby is born and reality sets in.</p>
<p>When my son was born, I called up every friend I knew who had ever had a baby and pleaded, "How do you get him to stop crying?! What's the story?" Some of them said, "Oh, just put him in the car seat and go driving," but that didn't help me much because even though the kid could sleep, I wouldn't be getting any rest. I gave it a try, but he only screamed more. </p>
<p>We had a screamer. It was a constant thing, and we could never figure out what he was screaming about. "Does something hurt?" "Are you wet?" "Are you hungry?" "Are you constipated?" "What is the problem?!" We just wanted to hold up pictures and hope he'd point at whatever was wrong. However, babies don't point or tell you, they just scream. We even got one of those itty bitty baby swings, figuring that the rocking motion was going to work. But it didn't fix anything. Finally, while I was looking through the mail, I came across an advertisement for a stuffed bear that was supposed to help kids sleep. It contained a mechanism inside of it, which emulated the heartbeat sound that the baby hears when he or she is floating around in the uterus's amniotic fluid. When my husband came home from work that day, I said, "Lew, go out and find this bear, and don't come home until you have it." </p>
<p>Yes, I was that crazed, and he knew I meant it.</p>
<p>While he was gone, I was lying on the bed trying to console the crying baby. I put him on my stomach, tried petting him, and hummed/sang to him. Every now and then he'd quiet down, but then he'd start screaming again. Just when I was about to cry myself, Lew walked in the door holding the heart bear. He stuck a nine-volt battery in its tush and turned it on. </p>
<p>My son's eyes got huge, and within a split second, he was out. Boom. Asleep.<br /> <br />Mr. Bear was like a miracle drug. Although my kid is now 26 and doesn't sleep with him anymore, I have kept Mr. Bear (even though he doesn't work anymore) because he sure saved everybody's life.</p>
<p>I use this story about my son to illustrate one of the more frustrating and scary moments about becoming a new mom: when you have no idea what the baby wants. It's an awful feeling when you're standing there willing to do anything for your baby, but you don't know what it is you're supposed to do. You figure it's the standard things - they need warmth, food, contact, or cleaning - but none of those ends up being the problem. In my case, it was the heart bear that did the trick. For some reason, when I lay my son on my own chest and he could hear my heart pounding, it wasn't nearly as impressive to him as his memory of the womb. </p>
<p>New mothers have a lot of reasonable fears. Here are just a few of <a href="http://www.babble.com/pregnancy/my-pregnancy/new-mother-how-to-be-a-good-parent-anxiety/new-mother-how-to-be-a-good-parent-anxiety-1/#_slide" target="_blank">them</a>:</p>
<p>Everybody who says they want a baby pictures a sweet, happy child who is easy to get along with, studies, does well, has friends, and possesses many talents. However, <em>pregnancy is this big unknown</em>. You have no idea what kind of little person is going to come out until he or she grows up enough to start expressing him or herself. Some kids are cuddly, and some cry a lot. Some seem to bond readily, and others don't. Some are born unhealthy, and others are born healthy. In the meantime, you have a whole lot of uncertainty going on. It can be exciting, but it can also be uncomfortable. There are a lot of challenges that you're not going to know about until the baby is born. <br /> <br />Another worry is that <strong><em>you'll turn into your mother</em></strong>. <em>Whatever your opinion of your mother's mothering, it's your first and strongest model of mothering.</em> A lot of you say, "I am not going to be like my mother," but then you start hearing yourself sounding just like her. That's because it was your first experience, and it's what you are familiar with. Of course you don't want to blindly stumble along in the footprints of familiarity, but you also don't want to reflexively react against your mother's parenting style. Think about the good stuff you learned from your mom, consider the things you don't think were the best, and formulate your own method of mothering. You don't just want to say, "Well, my mother did 'x' so I'm going to do the exact opposite," because the opposite may not always be a good alternative. Remember the Dr. Spock era where kids were encouraged to have total freedom to express themselves? Yeah, that bombed.</p>
<p>You also may worry that <strong><em>your marriage will never be the same again</em></strong>. Well, that's true. Although a baby doesn't weigh much or speak, the minute you have them there, they rule. However, the key to holding on to your marriage is to work together as a team. The experience of having a baby can't be about one of you being superior, more knowledgeable, or more in charge than the other. The two of you need to be a team. </p>
<p>For example, when I was trying to house-train my most recent baby (my Rhodesian Ridgeback puppy, Sweet Pea), my husband and I had a system. I'd pick her up and carry her to the door, my husband would open the door, the doggie would relieve herself outside, and then my husband would help open the door to bring her back inside the house. We also had a system years ago when my son was breastfeeding. At a certain time, my husband would get up and bring me the baby. I'd breastfeed, and then one of us would change the baby's diaper. After that, the other one would put the baby back to bed. </p>
<p>That is what you have to maintain to keep your relationship strong: a team effort. On a side note, women's brains are wired very differently for hearing baby sounds than men's brains. The reason is obvious: Since babies come from our bodies and suckle at our breasts, it's a part of our biology for us to hear those little high pitched noises. So, don't think your husband is just being a drag and a bum if he doesn't immediately get up when the baby calls - his brain is simply not wired to hear what you hear.</p>
<p>Another worry is that <strong><em>you're going to be a bad parent</em></strong>. I hear that far too often. I know it's easy to think about that in this extreme age of parenting where people are hovering over their kids and trying to make them be totally happy and successful without having to put in any effort, but you shouldn't worry. Being a good parent is really just about being open and willing to listen, putting your needs aside, and parenting even when it's inconvenient, uncomfortable, or unpleasant. It takes a lot and there may not be one specific way to do it because you and your spouse's personalities have to coordinate, but you can do it. </p>
<p>One of the things new mothers often say early on in the first year is, <strong><em>"I don't think I like this parenting thing. What have I gotten myself into?!"</em></strong> However, you have to remember that <em>kids are always changing, and the experience of motherhood changes along with them</em>. Things won't always be so difficult and overwhelming, and <em>you are bound to have favorite and less favorite phases</em>. Just look at their sweet little faces while they're sleeping, and you'll remember why you got yourself into this.</p>
<p>A final worry is that <strong><em>you'll be trapped</em></strong>. It's not as carefree of a life when you have a baby. Unless you've got grandma living near you so you can go out to dinner and a movie, everything changes. My husband and I would have to bring the car seat into restaurants with us. As soon as our son started fussing, one of us would go outside and rock him while the other ate, and then we switched. We very rarely got to eat together in a restaurant, but we still tried to do it about once a week so we wouldn't go completely stir-crazy. </p>
<p>There is a lot of negative thinking and anxiety when you become a new mom, and there are many adjustments you have to make. Sometimes you think you're going to mess up and do something terribly wrong, or you have nightmares about something horrible happening to your child. You may even feel trapped and want to get out of the situation. However, these are all normal anxieties. The most important thing you can do is talk about them out loud. That's where girlfriends, mothers, or good mother-in-laws come in. I remember one time when I was getting batty, I called up a girlfriend who was already on her second baby. I told her, "Oh my gosh, I'm having terrible thoughts," and she said, "Oh yeah, you're going to think about setting them on the curb from time to time. But don't worry, that's normal." Simply having the support of another mom telling you that what you're feeling is normal is a huge help.</p>
<p>If you are having a hard time as a new mom, don't hate or get down on yourself. When you're feeling stressed out, it's time to hand the baby to Dad and go take a walk or a bath. Do something to refresh yourself for a little bit and then come back. It's a difficult transition, but you can handle it.</p>
<p>And just think - when they become teenagers and start driving, you'll look back and say, "Gosh, that was easy."</p>Staff2012-11-01T15:13:00ZVideo: Our 18-Year-Old Received a D.U.I.Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:--Our-18-Year-Old-Received-a-D.U.I./903968330644204573.html2012-10-31T20:15:00Z2012-10-31T20:15:00Z<p>Denise's son was ticketed for driving under the influence. He is on probation, gets drug-tested and must perform community service. She pays his rent. At what point should Denise tell him he's on his own?<br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/3W2KhqfoYr0" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2012-10-31T20:15:00ZDeath by Suicide at an All-Time HighStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Death-by-Suicide-at-an-All-Time-High/-743282763055330116.html2012-10-29T13:58:00Z2012-10-29T13:58:00Z<p>I recently read an <a href="http://www.foxnews.com/health/2012/09/26/suicide-no-1-cause-injury-related-death-in-us/" target="_blank">article</a> which stated that suicide has now surpassed car accidents as <em>the number one cause of injury-related death in the United States. From 2000 to 2009, the suicide death rate went up 15 percent.</em> That blew my mind. It's scary to think that so many people are finding it necessary to deal with their pain in an irreversible way.<a></a></p>
<p>Interestingly enough, the literature shows that people are committing suicide for the standard reasons: substance abuse, mental illness, a family history of violence, depression, etc. So why is suicide on the rise?</p>
<p>Suicide basically stems from a person's lack of hope for the future. They are convinced that things won't change or get better, and they feel helpless, hopeless, and worthless. They hate themselves, feel like a burden on others (especially when the person is older), and have an "everybody would be better off without me" kind of attitude.</p>
<p>What the person doesn't realize is that they still have a lot to offer. That's probably one of the most important considerations in giving someone hope: they need to believe that they are valuable.</p>
<p>Where there is community, familiarity, bonding, and connections with community and family, you're going to find a lower suicide death rate. One of the problems we have in our society as it has evolved is that the morality of obligations and sacrifice has pretty much gone by the wayside. People are up, out, and gone. I think the dissolution of our families and community has a lot to do with the increased instances of suicide because people feel helpless, hopeless and isolated more than ever. </p>
<p>Years ago, if someone's barn burned down, everybody within 50 miles would come with wood, nails, paint, and food. They would set up shop and rebuild that person's property. If there was a death in someone's family, the community pulled together. People lived close to each other and very few had to go it alone. Kids were more surrounded by family and other kids in reasonable neighborhoods. Yes, of course there were still jerks, but you were able to survive things much better because you felt like your back was always being watched.</p>
<p>Even though there have been many advances in medicine and technology, a lot of people today are feeling lonely, desperate, hopeless, and helpless. Little kids are growing up in homes where their parents get divorced, bring other boyfriends and girlfriends into the picture, and shack up. People make some babies here and other babies there, and they don't even bother to give their kids a mother AND a father because they don't feel like their kids need that. As a result, a lot of kids are growing up without intact, supportive families. It's interesting that when a kid or teenager commits suicide, people often attribute it to bullying rather than looking at their family or community dynamics (abuse, hostile home environment, etc). They are trying to pin the wrong tail on the donkey. </p>
<p>It's very sad that more and more of our fellow human beings are feeling so tragically lost. I think kids these days don't have a lot to look forward to. When I was young, your future was, more often than not, clear and secure in your mind if you finished high school. You either got a job or went to college. After college, you either got a job or went to graduate school. Somewhere along the line, you got married, had a family, and built ties with extended family and neighbors. Sure, the future had some bifurcations and you needed to make choices, but for the most part, things were pretty clear. You knew you were going to get a job and have a family. </p>
<p>Nowadays, kids grow up not knowing if they are going to be able to have either one.</p>
<p>The teenage years are messy to begin with. Teens have a lot of pressure to succeed, and they desperately want to fit in. If a kid feels they have no support, especially at home, it's tough for them to be hopeful. </p>
<p>I think many articles about suicide leave out a large part of the truth because it is bound to offend somebody. Truth is often excised from information today because as a society, we've made "not offending anybody" the highest priority. However, I find it offensive that we don't deal with things openly and honestly because people are paying a price for it. For example, here are some <a href="http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_prevention.htm" target="_blank">common misconceptions</a> about suicide.<br /> <br />Do I feel that suicide is ever justified? Yes, I do. If a person is terminal, not getting any better, and suffering from intolerable pain, I think it is cruel to keep them in that position. Denying someone an alternative, peaceful way out when they are going out anyway doesn't make a lot of sense to me. However, in any other situation, I do not think suicide is justified. There's a way out of everything, except death. </p>
<p>If you have even a NOTION that someone is suicidal, call 911 and have them hauled off for a 72-hour hold with a psychiatric team to figure out what needs to be done. Many times, the person doesn't give much indication, or everyone is too busy to notice. Sometimes it's even a little bit of both. But, if someone mentions suicide, you need to take it seriously.</p>
<p>In addition, if someone you know takes his or her own life, you have to remember that the person who kills themselves ultimately takes full responsibility for their death - not you or anyone else. I've worked with so many parents and spouses who believe they should have known. However, unless you're psychic, you may not be able to know. </p>
<p>The one thing you can do is reconsider the atmosphere you have at home and the support you give your family, friends, and people around you. We're losing that sense of connection and purposefulness that comes from forming bonds between each other, and we need to get it back.</p>Staff2012-10-29T13:58:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-406948479658689457.html2012-10-26T07:00:00Z2012-10-26T07:00:00Z<p><em>There is a child in every one of us who is still a trick-or-treater looking for a brightly-lit front porch.</em></p>
<p><em>Robert Brault</em><br />American writer<br />1938 - </p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/trick_or_treat.jpg" alt="" width="337" height="472" /></p>Staff2012-10-26T07:00:00ZA Teenager in LoveStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-Teenager-in-Love/561213337413305648.html2012-10-25T16:04:00Z2012-10-25T16:04:00Z<p>I think my most heart-wrenching breakup happened in early high school. The irony is that I have no memory of the guy's name but, nonetheless, he was my boyfriend. In those days, having a high school boyfriend didn't mean what it does now. Kisses were just quick pecks, and there might be some hand-holding or an arm put around you at the movies. That was it. There was no sex. </p>
<p>The night before my 15th birthday, my best friend called me up and said, "There's something I have to tell you." I figured she was going to divulge something about the gift she was getting me, but instead, she said that she and my boyfriend were going steady and that he had given her his ring. "Ha ha. Very funny," I thought, but then I realized she wasn't kidding. I was devastated and began crying my brains out. There had been no hint from either one of them, and I had never even seen them together. Of course, that was the end of our friendship. </p>
<p>I told my parents about it, but you know how parents are. "It's just puppy love. It's no big deal," they said. But it was totally devastating to me. It was rejection, stealing, betrayal, and 15 other things I can't even think to mention. I didn't want to go to school the next day - birthday or not - because I just did not want to face all that. But my mother got out a very fancy outfit that I would normally not be permitted to wear to school because it was too dressy, and said, "Tomorrow you're going to school. You're going to wear this nice outfit and your new shoes. You're going to fix yourself up and walk around with your shoulders back and head held high. You're going to give the impression that neither one of them matters to you." </p>
<p>I cogitated about this for the rest of the evening - "Can I do this? Can I really walk around like it doesn't matter and not cry?" - and the next morning, I got all spiffed up, put on a little pink lipstick, and went off to school. Evidently by this time, the news had ricocheted around the class and everybody knew about what had gone down. All sorts of people were coming over to me offering support and saying how terrible it was. It went a long way in making me feel better.</p>
<p>When you're a teenager, breaking up is especially hard to do. High school dating is more about having an identity than simply being attracted to another person. It's really important at that age to have serious peer acceptance. Your mother thinking that you're the bees' knees is just not enough anymore. You get attached to somebody because it's a status symbol. </p>
<p>I want to discuss how teenage breakups should be handled on both ends - if you're the dumper, <em>and</em> if you're the dumpee.</p>
<p>Now, there are school programs that have been implemented to teach kids how to deal with breakups. I think they are absurd. I don't believe there should be school programs about anything except science, math, English, history, computers, etc. In my opinion, schools shouldn't be dealing with emotional things like bullying and breakups. It should be handled in the home like when I was a kid; the vice principal called your parents, you got your butt hauled off, and there were serious consequences if you misbehaved. Period, end of sentence. Public schools today care too much about social engineering, which is just another reason why I support homeschooling.</p>
<p>In addition to the school programs, there are forums like the Boston Public Health Commission's Break-Up Summit for teens which are equally ridiculous. According to a <em><a href="http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/wellness/story/2012-07-26/breakup-summit-teens/56510350/1" target="_blank">USA Today</a> </em>report, "<em>Counselors at the forum urged teenagers to communicate with partners about relationship boundaries, together defining whether they were 'just texting,' casually 'hooking up,' 'friends with benefits,' or in a monogamous relationship."</em> Is this really what we're teaching teenagers?: "Sit there and think about whether you're screwing with no meaning, screwing with no meaning, or screwing with no meaning." It's insane. We've escalated things to pseudo-adult behavior.</p>
<p>If you're a teenager or a parent of a teenager, here are some better breakup rules:</p>
<ul>
<li><em><strong>Don't tell your friends before you break up</strong></em>. Don't feed the gossip machine and embarrass the other person. </li>
<li><em><strong>Don't post it on Facebook.</strong></em> Setting your Facebook status to "Single" is not the way to tell your boyfriend or girlfriend that you're done. Do not be cold and callous. I don't care if it was just puppy love - they are still a human being who deserves respect and compassion. Remember, you once cared about them very much. </li>
<li><em><strong>Don't do it via text or email. </strong> About one-third of teenagers said they'd either broken up with or been dumped by somebody via text. </em> Show some humanity and don't text.</li>
</ul>
<p>When breaking up with someone, the first thing you need to do is be clear about why you're ending the relationship. Maybe you've been arguing with them all the time, or you realize that this person is not as much fun as you thought and you don't really enjoy spending time with them. Perhaps you've developed feelings for someone else, or you can't be hindered by a serious relationship right now because you've got places to go, things to do, and people to see. <br /> <br />You really need to think through why you're doing this because you will be asked, and you have to give an answer without being mean and without beating yourself up. Be honest with them, but don't be cruel. And just because the other person doesn't accept it, that doesn't mean you can't like somebody else or want to spend your time doing something else. </p>
<p>In addition, treat the other person with respect, and break up with them in person. Yes, they're going to feel <em>hurt, disappointed, sad, rejected, and heartbroken</em>, but don't back down. Stick to your guns and remember that it's not a negotiation. You're going into the conversation to let the boyfriend or girlfriend know that you're leaving the relationship. Respectfully say what you have to say, and then politely listen to what they have to say. If you're getting out of a relationship because it's abusive, you better have people around you, including someone with police experience or an Army Ranger.</p>
<p>Here's <a href="http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/problems/break-up.html" target="_blank">how to start </a>things off:</p>
<ul>
<li><strong>Make sure you're in private.</strong> </li>
<li><strong>Tell your boyfriend or girlfriend that you want to talk about something important.</strong></li>
<li><em><strong>Start by mentioning something you like or value about them. </strong></em></li>
<li><em><strong>Say what's not working (your reason for the breakup)</strong></em>. Whatever it is, you can do it in one sentence: <br /><em>- "I'm not ready to have a serious boyfriend right now."</em><br /><em>- "You cheated on me, and I can't accept that."</em><br /><em>- "We're arguing more than we're having fun."</em><br /><em>- "It just doesn't feel right anymore."</em><br /><em>- "There's someone else."</em></li>
<li> <strong>Follow it up with: </strong><br /><em>- "I want to break up."</em></li>
<li><em><strong>Saying, "I want to stay friendly," is probably better than, "I want to stay friends."</strong></em> It's very hard to be friends with someone who is still thinking about you day and night, and you're already on to somebody else.</li>
<li><strong>Tell them it pains you that it hurts them. </strong> <br /><em>- "It's not the way I wanted things to be. I hoped things would work out, but it is the way it is."</em></li>
<li><strong>End by saying something positive.</strong><br /><em>- "I'm always going to have good memories about..."</em><br /><em>- "I know you're going to be OK."</em><br /><em>- "I'll always be glad I got to know you."</em><br /><em>- "I know there's somebody out there who will be happy to have a chance to go out with you."</em> </li>
<li>The final part: <strong>spend some time listening to what they have to say</strong>. Of course, if they start getting out of hand, you can excuse yourself and leave.</li>
</ul>
<p>Now, on the flip side, what if you're the one <a href="http://teens.webmd.com/features/how-to-break-up-with-someone" target="_blank">being dumped</a>?</p>
<p>When someone breaks up with you, it hurts. It feels like your heart has sprung a leak. It's reasonable to feel sad, and it's OK to cry. Sometimes people don't want to feel the pain, and they turn it into rage and get mean. Don't do that. It doesn't help you get better. It only makes you look bad and it hurts other people. There is simply no upside to getting enraged. </p>
<p>You need to remember that you have a lot of other relationships in your life. You have friends, family, teammates, and many others who care about you, and they can help you feel like yourself again. When I went through my breakup in high school, I had some of the most random folks suddenly being very kind to me because they didn't think my best friend did a nice thing. </p>
<p>Another thing you can do is spend some time thinking about what you gained from the relationship, good or bad. Did you become a better person? Did you become nicer? Did you become worse? Did you become a doormat? Did you become a bully? Did you become a whiner? Did you become a good support system? Think about what you got out of that relationship. Ask yourself questions like, "What did I do wrong?," "What could I do better in my next relationship?," and "What had nothing to do with me?" </p>
<p>Finally, if you're the parent of a teenager, you have to remember that as much as you'd like to protect your kids from all pain, you can't and you shouldn't. Most teenagers are going to experience a lot of breakups, but being consistent in your love and support for them will help.</p>Staff2012-10-25T16:04:00ZWhy Bad Decisions Are MadeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Bad-Decisions-Are-Made/-272699174630964952.html2012-10-24T07:00:00Z2012-10-24T07:00:00Z<p>If I had to pick one phrase I've heard more than any other over the years (other than "I don't know"), it'd be some variation of "I didn't make a good decision." If I could charge everyone a dollar each time they said that, I would have zillions by now. And although people admit to making a bad decision after the fact, I am convinced that most of them know the decision was not a good one at the time, but did it anyway. <br /> <br />I don't think people who tend to make bad decisions are really stupid or uninformed. Usually if they say they were uninformed, it's just denial. Bad decision-makers typically know they're making poor choices, and they make them because they want something in the moment. They don't project into the future or think, "When I look back on what I'm about to do, will I be proud of it."</p>
<p>About 25 years ago when I was on the radio at night, I remember a young man in his 20s calling in to my show. His parents had just died in a car crash, and he was left to take care of his little sister. He told me, "I'm in my mid-to-late 20s and it's time I started my life, but on the other hand, I feel guilty [that's the way people phrase it] about not taking care of my little sister. There are no other relatives to do it." After listening to him, I responded by saying, "OK, by the power vested in me, I am projecting you 20 years into the future. You are now looking back at yourself right now. What would you like to see yourself doing that would make you proud?" </p>
<p>The guy instantly started tearing up. "Taking care of my sister," he said. And that was the end of that. <br /> <br />A lot bad decisions usually come from <strong>wanting to feel good at that particular moment</strong>, and it all goes downhill from there (e.g. "I know he/she is not really for me, but I'm lonely"). However, a lot of times people end up making poor choices because they're overly <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201206/how-break-the-cycle-poor-choices-and-feeling-bad" target="_blank">self-critical</a>. Negative self-talk - <em>"I'm useless," "I'm a loser," "I'm a failure") - results in people feeling like there's no point in even trying to behave positively or solve problems because if they're already "a loser" and "a failure," how can they possibly be successful?</em> Self-criticism and ruminating on the negative are things people just tend to do. They go on and on and on about the negative, and it strips them of all their motivation to take any positive steps forward. For example, if you've just spent an hour in therapy bitching about your life, your parents, your brother/sister, or your husband/wife, do you really think at the end of the hour you're going to feel motivated to do anything positive about it? No. That's why I ask people to be careful about how much time they spend "feeding the angry monster."</p>
<p>Another <a href="http://www.decision-making-confidence.com/effects-of-bad-decisions.html" target="_blank">reason</a> a lot of you end up feeling sorry for yourselves is that <strong>you say "yes" to things you should say "no" to.</strong> <em>You spend time with people you don't want to spend time with so they'll be happy with you, allow others to treat you poorly, and live the life that others want you to live.</em> All of these are part and parcel of bad decisions, and they have to do with being cowardly.<br /><br />Usually when I tell people that they are going to have to talk to the person they're trying to please, they say, "Oh no! I'd do anything to avoid that." However, unless the person has got a sawed-off shotgun or some other equally lethal weapon, you're going to have to <a href="http://www.positivelypresent.com/2010/07/5-steps-for-recovering-from-a-bad-decision.html" target="_blank">face your fears</a>. <em>Take responsibility for your decisions. They are your decisions. It does no good to make excuses or rationalize or pretend that you aren't to blame. If you want to move forward, you have to take responsibility for your choices, your actions, and the consequences of those actions. </em></p>
<p>In addition, some people tend to get stuck in making bad choices simply because <strong>they want to stay stuck</strong>. It gets them off the hook from having to take risks and working hard to apply themselves. I've had a lot of people call my program over the years about their weight. They always have a million excuses, or want to look back and see how their childhood has affected their eating habits. But it's today and tomorrow they should be looking at. It doesn't matter how they got there. We can't fix yesterday. (F.Y.I., when I ask things about people's childhoods, it's to find out information and understand, not to blame.) </p>
<p>So, now that you know why people make bad decisions, how can you ensure that you don't make them yourself?</p>
<p>Whether it's deciding on who you want to be in a relationship with or simply where you want to go to lunch, make it mechanical. <em>"Life is the sum of your choices"</em> (remember your Camus from college?) There could be times in your life where you make about 10 really bad choices in one week and then sit there thinking that there's no way out. However, what you need to do instead is say, "Oops! I guess those were bad choices. How do I find a way out of this?" Frankly, there's not always a way out. Some things, unfortunately, can never be fixed. Yet, <strong><em>even if your situation seems finite to two options, there's probably some alternatives you're overlooking.</em></strong> If you're thinking you can only decide between "A" and "B," that's wrong. It may seem like only "A," "B," "C," "D," and "E" are available, but you're probably not considering "F" and "G." <em>Brainstorm and make a list of your possible options, put down crazy ideas, and ask other people for suggestions.</em> No matter how dumb you think some of them sound, write them down anyway.</p>
<p>Now here's the tough part. <em>For each one of those situations, <strong>think about whether the best possible outcome of making a particular decision outweighs the risk of the worst possible outcome?</strong></em> When coming to a decision, go through the <a href="http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Decisions" target="_blank">following steps</a>: What's the best possible outcome? What's the worst possible outcome? Is the best outcome so valuable and so likely that it's worth risking the worst outcome? For example, "The best thing that can come out of this is I make a million dollars, and the worst thing that can come out of this is I damage my entire family for life." Of course I'm just making up a silly example, but it clearly illustrates the process. Is the million dollars worth the possibility of damaging your whole family for life? It's a decision you have to make. Be honest - is the answer "yes" or "no"? Most of you would say "no," moan and groan a little bit over what you could have done with the million dollars, and then move on. Some of you would say "yes." Nevertheless, that's how you make a decision, and then, you have to be willing to live with the outcome. <br /><br />Recently, a man called into my show with a situation that you've all heard many times before: he'd knocked up a girl he wasn't married to. They had the kid, and while he was off in the military she found another guy and got knocked up again, except this time, this guy married her. Our original guy got all angry and upset that some other guy was going to be Daddy. Do you want to know what my answer was? "I hope the new guy is cool, nice, loving, and a good dad. I really don't care about your feelings. Sorry." He didn't care about the risk of bringing a new person into the world that he wasn't going to take care of. He was willing to risk the life and well-being of a child for instant gratification and sex. It was a poor decision and there were consequences. He needed to just accept responsibility for his misbehavior and not be angry with this woman and the other guy. He was the one who caused the problem. <br /> <br />Everyone needs to think through their decisions because down the line, there are huge prices to pay. Be prepared to accept responsibility for every outcome of your decisions. And when you do make a bad decision, don't just sit there feeling sorry for yourself.</p>Staff2012-10-24T07:00:00ZVideo: I Tip More than My FriendStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-I-Tip-More-than-My-Friend/944767714033935415.html2012-10-23T18:33:00Z2012-10-23T18:33:00Z<p>When dining out with several friends, many people split the tab. But what should you do when one of these friends disagrees on how much to tip?<br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/3C4hfz5NVwk" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2012-10-23T18:33:00ZPaying Kids for GradesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Paying-Kids-for-Grades/-577250810823720647.html2012-10-22T07:00:00Z2012-10-22T07:00:00Z<p>I have the final answer on whether or not you should pay your kids for grades:</p>
<p>You shouldn't!</p>
<p>There's a great deal of debate out there among parents about how to motivate kids to do well in school. I think kids should do what they are able to do in school. A lot of parents have their eyeballs set on the brass ring - the "A" - when they have B or C students. If a B or C student is working his or her butt off and gets the B or C that they're capable of getting, then that's a huge success. It's the process and the activity of studying that should be valued over the result. </p>
<p>I'll tell you why that works. The more enjoyment and satisfaction you get out of a process, the better it feels. For example, when I'm shooting pool, I go through a five-point process just like the pros do (although I'll never be a pro), and when I do it right, it feels so good that I don't even care about pocketing the ball - that's just icing on the cake. If you're only focused on the end result, your hand tightens up, your arm twitches, and your head moves. Sure you may get lucky and inconsistently pocket some balls, but you'll never get past a certain level. But if you follow the process, eventually you'll be pocketing a lot more balls. It took me a couple of years to get to the point where the process was the goal and not pocketing the ball.</p>
<p>The same goes for kids in school. It's about the process and the <em>learning</em> that are important, not getting the grade. </p>
<p>One fun way to inspire your kids is to sit around the dinner table and ask them what they learned at school. My kid is currently taking some philosophy and political science classes, and on the nights he comes over for dinner from his place, we all sit around and enthusiastically discuss whatever he's learned that day or week. No matter what your child's age, you can still ask them to teach you something they learned at school. Once you've asked, just sit there, look impressed, enthusiastically ask questions, and complement them on their ability to discourse in a particular subject and show you that they've learned something. That kid is going to have a lot more enthusiasm for learning because the payoff is your interest and pride in them. </p>
<p>You have to decide what you want to achieve with you child. Do you want them to get good grades because you need them to get good grades, or are you trying to change their attitude and behavior? You are a lot better off trying to help them improve their habits than beating them up over a grade because they'll not only get the most out of their education, but they'll also learn how to be more focused and productive. </p>
<p>Another reason not to pay your kid for grades is that a lot of what we do on this planet isn't necessarily attached to rewards, especially financial ones (e.g. you don't get filthy rich volunteering for a charity). Providing praise and recognition when your child does well in school is wonderful, but setting expectations for a cash reward won't motivate your kid or instill the values you're looking for. It's difficult for kids to recognize that working hard has long-term benefits when all they are focused on is a paycheck.</p>
<p>So, you need to stress the process over the result, support their work ethic by demonstrating it yourself, and always value the activity of learning. If your kid comes home and he or she didn't quite attain a particular grade but you saw that they really studied and prepared, do not say, "Go to your room and don't play with your friends for six years." Tell them, "You know what? You really studied hard, and this one test in no way measures how hard you worked or how proud I am of what you put into this."</p>Staff2012-10-22T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/520612066767554300.html2012-10-19T07:00:00Z2012-10-19T07:00:00Z<p><em>Treat your friends as you do your pictures, and place them in their best light.</em></p>
<p>Jennie Jerome Churchill<br />(Lady Randolph Churchill)<br />Mother of British Prime Minister Winston Churchill<br />1854-1921</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/friends_sunset.jpg" alt="" width="532" height="322" /></p>Staff2012-10-19T07:00:00ZHow to Stop Bad-Mouthing Your BodyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Stop-Bad-Mouthing-Your-Body/-299789050229097475.html2012-10-18T07:00:00Z2012-10-18T07:00:00ZIn magazines and throughout our society, there is such a heavy focus on how women look. Because of this, many women have major body image issues. <br /><br />In my book, <em>The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands</em>, I relay a call from a woman who told me she was short and tubby. You know how some people have six-pack abs? Well, she had a "12-pack" of fat rolls. The thought of being sexual with her husband made her freak out because she was so self-conscious. However, I told her that her husband would rather have her naked up against him than have her body be perfect. She said I was an idiot, but promised to try out my advice anyway. <br /><br />So, she went to a lingerie store and bought something bright red and outrageous with spaces everywhere. It was even a little too small because they really didn't have anything in her size. When she got home, she started changing upstairs while her husband was in the living room. She then stood at the top of the stairs and called for her husband in the garish, red, too-tight lingerie outfit which prominently displayed her rolls of fat. He took one look at her, smiled widely, and ran up the stairs. They had a great night (and by the way, she no longer thinks I'm a complete idiot).<br /><br />In my opinion, women are to blame for this obsession with their bodies. I read a <a href="http://www.glamour.com/health-fitness/2011/02/shocking-body-image-news-97-percent-of-women-will-be-cruel-to-their-bodies-today#ixzz24CQuG73S." target="_blank"><em>Glamour</em> magazine survey</a> (which obviously only sampled women who are obsessed with glamor) revealing that 97 percent of women are cruel to their bodies on a daily basis. After surveying 300 women of all sizes, the researchers found that, "On average, women have 13 negative body thoughts daily - nearly one for every waking hour. And a disturbing number of women confess to having 35, 50 or even 100 <em>hateful</em> thoughts about their own shapes each day."<br /><br />That is sick stuff. I feel sorry for these women who are more concerned about superficial things than their brain or character. They are not worried about choosing the right men, doing charity work, getting educated, or being aware of what is going on in their community and world. They are not worried about figuring out how to actually raise their own kids instead of just dumping them in day care. No. They are worried about how they look. <br /><br />That is so pathetic. There is something to be said for school uniforms where how you look is irrelevant. There is less distraction that way. <br /><br />I'll admit I'm not too crazy about looking in the mirror and seeing lines and wrinkles. No woman likes that. However, I don't care about new styles of clothes, hair or makeup, and I don't care about creams that make your face appear younger. What I do care about is being strong and fit. I don't want to be spending the last years of my life unable to get around. Everything I do is a preemptive strike on the future. Every day, I get up at 5:30 a.m. and kill myself working out for an hour. I play tennis two to three times a week, and I also kayak, sail and hike. I work my body. <br /><br />Unfortunately, a lot of people don't have very good luck with genetics, or they've been in some kind of accident (e.g. they've got osteoporosis and they're just waiting for a broken hip). However, when you do have control, put in the effort. Don't have 17 different plastic surgeries. <br /><br />Ann Kearney-Cooke, Ph.D., a Cincinnati psychologist who specializes in body image and helped <em>Glamour</em> design the survey, said:<br />
<blockquote><em>"Neuroscience has shown that whatever you focus on shapes your brain. If you're constantly thinking negative thoughts about your body, that neural pathway becomes stronger - and those thoughts become habitual...Imagine a concert pianist. Her brain would have stronger neural pathways that support musicality and dexterity than someone who hadn't spent her life practicing."</em></blockquote>
Interestingly enough, if a man thinks the same things women are thinking about their own bodies, he's considered offensive or abusive. If a man says that a woman's got a big nose, disgusting skin, bags under her eyes or small breasts, it's a "no-no." And yet with women, negative talk is part of how they bond with each other. <br /><br />Women also tend to talk and feel bad about something rather than trying to fix it. Whether it is stress, loneliness, boredom, or a bad day, women go into depression mode rather than being proactive. I've mentioned many times on my program that it's more typical for guys to be proactive about a problem than women. Men want to go fix something. Women want to talk about it over and over and then feel upset about it. <br /><br />It's not easy, but there are some simple things you can do to change your body and feel better: <br />
<ul>
<li><strong>Rewire your brain</strong> to see the positive aspects about your body. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>Ask yourself</strong> if this really is about your body.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>Exercise!</strong> I cannot stress enough how being physical can change your mood and outlook.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>Just say "stop"</strong> when you have a negative thought. That will shut it down.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>Remind yourself</strong> that obsessing about what you eat or look like doesn't make you look better.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>Appreciate your body</strong> for what it does - not what it looks like.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>Play up your strengths.</strong> Don't compare yourself to others. Focus on what you have and be proud of it. </li>
</ul>
For further reading, <a href="http://www.mybodygallery.com/news-29------body-image-statistics.htm" target="_blank">here are some interesting body image statistics.</a> <br /><br />Staff2012-10-18T07:00:00ZShacking Up Does Not Lead to a Stronger MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Shacking-Up-Does-Not-Lead-to-a-Stronger-Marriage/-60381720919789376.html2012-10-17T07:00:00Z2012-10-17T07:00:00ZRemember this little ditty?: "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage." Nowadays, this rarely happens. For a lot of adults it's, "First comes love (maybe), then comes 'shacking up,' then comes a heartbreaking split involving children." <br /> <br />Many shack-up couples claim, "We're living together to improve our chances of having a great marriage." I recently even had a young woman on my program whose own father told her to do just that. I couldn't believe it. As research shows, shacking up actually has the OPPOSITE effect. I have been saying this for 30 plus years.<br /><br />For the small percentage of cohabitants who actually go on to marry, the majority of them end up getting divorced, or they experience spousal abuse and infidelity. The simple fact is that shacking up does not lead to stronger marriages. I love it when someone writes to me saying, "Well, I shacked up and my partner and I are still together." So what? That doesn't mean shacking up is good. There are people out there who smoke like crazy and don't get lung cancer. Does that mean we should tell people to smoke because some people have dodged a bullet? <br /><br />Of course, if two people want to shack up it's their own personal choice, but they should know it leads to reverberations - even when there aren't kids involved. For example, how is your extended family supposed to accept someone as "family" when you're not even willing to make them family? People become family through birth, adoption or marriage. If you're not willing to make somebody family by making a commitment to them, then you can't get angry when the rest of your family says, "Leave him/her home, they're not family," or, "Of course we don't want them in the family photograph, they're not family." Furthermore, don't be surprised when other family members with kids don't want to hang out with you because they don't want their kids to think your behavior is OK.<br /><br /><a href="http://firstthings.org/first-comes-love-then-comes-living-together" target="_blank">There's enough research</a> to show that cohabiting <em>dissolves families, impacts children, and increases instances of sexual abuse, drug abuse, crime, illiteracy, and out-of-wedlock pregnancy.</em> In addition, <em>studies reveal that only 45 percent of couples who live together go on to marry, and of those who do marry, there is a 45 percent higher risk for divorce than people who have never shacked up. Only 15 out of every 100 shack-ups will result in a "long-term successful marriage".</em><br /> <br />When cohabitants do marry, they tend to be less committed to the long-term future of the relationship, and they are less reluctant to terminate it. Cohabitation is, in part, <em>an acceptance of leaving. One study found that the more months young people are exposed to cohabitation, the less enthusiastic they become about marriage and having kids.</em><br /><br />Most importantly of all, since shack-ups have such a high dropout rate, there's a better chance that kids will end up devastated. All too often, kids are made or hauled in to a shack-up situation. Moreover, kids who come from divorced parents frequently go on to shack up themselves. It's a ripple effect. <br /><br />Kids who live in homes with parents shacking up are more likely to:<br />
<ul>
<li><em><strong>Become involved in unmarried sex</strong></em> because their lives are very sexualized outside of any context of marriage and family. </li>
<li><strong><em>Experience sexual abuse in the home. </em></strong></li>
<li><strong><em>Have emotional and social difficulties</em></strong> <em>due to problems with forming permanent emotional attachments. When they reach adulthood, they struggle to find happiness and productive marriages. </em></li>
<li><strong><em>Experience poverty, poor achievement in school, and a litany of other problems.</em></strong></li>
</ul>
So, what should you do if you have already gotten yourself involved in a shack-up situation? <br />
<ul>
<li><strong><em>Stop! </em></strong> <em>If your relationship matters to you, then you and your partner need to cease shacking up. The longer people shack up, the less likely they are to move on to a long-term successful marriage.</em></li>
<li><em><strong>Seek premarital counseling. </strong></em> This is really important in establishing <em>the communication and relationship skills needed for a successful marriage.</em> If you have already been shacking up, then developing these skills is even more crucial because you're used to living with insecurity. </li>
<li><strong><em>Protect your kids.</em></strong> If you've put your kids in a shack-up situation, understand that this is not in their best interest. Stop being selfish, weak, scared, or any combination thereof. </li>
</ul>
If you know someone who is revving to shack up or is currently shacking up:<br />
<ul>
<li><strong><em>Talk to them. </em></strong> Bring the facts to their attention. Although facts seem to bother some people's emotions, make them aware anyway. </li>
<li><strong><em>Celebrate marriage.</em></strong> <em>If you are happily married, share your experiences with other people - especially young people. They need to know that happy marriages exist.</em></li>
</ul>Staff2012-10-17T07:00:00ZVideo: I'm Scared to Let Another Marriage FailStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Im-Scared-to-Let-Another-Marriage-Fail/536150452176381109.html2012-10-16T17:16:00Z2012-10-16T17:16:00Z<p>Wondering how to find Mr. or Mrs. Right after discovering the first one was Mr. or Mrs. Wrong? Here are my suggestions...<br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/wMMFuvGZVlU" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2012-10-16T17:16:00ZCan You Not Live Without Your Cell Phone?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Can-You-Not-Live-Without-Your-Cell-Phone/895865144371184889.html2012-10-15T07:00:00Z2012-10-15T07:00:00Z<p>I recently went to go see a movie (something I very rarely do), and I didn't bring my cell phone in with me. I then went to lunch, and again, left my phone in the car. For some reason, this freaked people out.</p>
<blockquote>
<p><strong>My friend:</strong> "Where's your cell phone?" <br /><strong>Me:</strong> "In the car." <br /><strong>My friend:</strong> "Why don't you have it with you?" <br /><strong>Me: </strong>"Because I'm having lunch. I want to relax."</p>
</blockquote>
<p>My cell phone is even off now as I'm sitting here in my office. I don't understand why so many of you folks can't do without them. According to a <a href="http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/technology/2011/08/technology-addiction-chocolate-caffeine.html" target="_blank">survey</a>, more than half of Americans would rather give up chocolate, alcohol and/or caffeine than their cell phone. A third of you would rather give up sex. Over 20 percent of you would do without your toothbrush, and if you're an iPhone user, that percentage doubles (well, I suppose it is good you're talking into a phone because nobody's going to want to smell your breath!). In addition, 21 percent of you would go without shoes before separating from your cell phone. Two-thirds of you even sleep with your phone by your side. </p>
<p>When it comes to being able to access the Internet, the insanity level is the same. Forty percent of you feel lonely and 53 percent of you feel deprived if you can't get on the Internet. I guess if you live your life through Facebook rather than face-to-face, that makes sense. One participant in the survey said that unplugging was akin to having their hands chopped off. Another stated, "The emptiness overwhelmed me," and yet another described feeling incomplete.</p>
<p>I can only say one thing: This is scary!</p>
<p>I remember in one of the original <em>Star Trek</em> episodes, there was this group of people who had ceased being corporeal. They were essentially just thought waves, and they had no need for sex or farming. All interpersonal interaction was gone. It was very interesting to them to see how humans interacted with each other because they had bodies. This is what we're becoming. A lot of you see technology as a way to keep in touch, but in my opinion, you are all becoming more and more distant. You are only engaged in virtual relationships as opposed to real connections. </p>
<p>Here are a couple little things you can do to unplug and start having healthier relationships:</p>
<p><strong>Schedule some periods of time where you are inaccessible and nobody can reach you.</strong> No texts, no emails...nothing. Nobody can access you. You can even make them short at first. You'll probably feel anxious and maybe even depressed from being disconnected, but guess what? Your life will not implode! It'll be good for you - just think of all the time you could be spending seeing a friend or doing a hobby while you're not plugged in.</p>
<p><strong>Pick a day where you don't touch your email or your cell phone.</strong> Just one day. It could be Saturday, Sunday, your "day of rest," Shabbos...whatever. Pick a day.</p>
<p>Or, if you think that's impossible, how about this? <strong>Set intervals for when you check your email, or don't check your email before a certain time.</strong> You can use an autoresponder explaining that you can be reached any time on your cell phone. At least your cell phone is voice-to-voice.<br /> <br />Try to get some humanity back in your life. </p>
<p>Do you crave your technology? <a href="http://gizmodo.com/5453262/quiz-are-you-addicted-to-technology" target="_blank">Take this quiz</a>. If you can't get to the end of it without texting, you probably already know your diagnosis.</p>Staff2012-10-15T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/749038855899381117.html2012-10-12T07:00:00Z2012-10-12T07:00:00Z<p><em>The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do.</em><br /><em>The hard part is doing it.</em></p>
<p>Norman Schwarzkopf<br />General, United States Army, Retired<br />1934 -</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/do_right_thing.jpg" alt="" width="508" height="337" /></p>Staff2012-10-12T07:00:00ZWhat Makes Someone a Hero?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-Makes-Someone-a-Hero/956943440583420264.html2012-10-11T07:00:00Z2012-10-11T07:00:00Z"Hero" is a word that's misused all the time. People who hit baseballs, throw footballs, or lob tennis balls are frequently labeled "heroes," but they are really just paid athletes - not heroes. It would be heroic if an athlete gave up a kidney for someone who needed it knowing that he or she would probably never play ball again without it. You can't be a hero without sacrifice. <br /><br />If benefiting somebody else results in no cost to you, you're not being heroic. "Hero" is a very special term. For example, although he was damn courageous, Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger (the pilot who landed Flight 1549 in the Hudson River and saved the lives of all 155 passengers and crew aboard) was not a hero. Yes, he ensured that the airplane didn't hit any buildings and he saved a lot of people's lives, but there was nothing for him to sacrifice because he was going down with everyone else. Although he was courageous and kept his head while those around him were losing theirs, the term "hero" should not be applied. <br /><br />By the same token, a person dealing with treatments for serious medical issues is not a hero either. As brave as a person needs to be when going through something like that, they don't have a choice. There is no sacrifice involved on the behalf of another person. <br /><br />I was recently watching the movie <em>Act of Valor</em>, which used real military guys to create a dramatic representation of a true story. In one scene, the soldiers are clearing rooms in a building, and one of the guys goes into a room looking left and right, but he forgets to look up. A bad guy perched on the scaffolding pulls the pin out of a grenade and tosses it into the room. The soldier turns around to run out, but he sees his buddies entering that same room. He has a choice to make: He can either run and see how far he can make it before the grenade explodes, or he can stay and protect his fellow soldiers. To my shock and horror, he threw his body on the grenade, thereby taking the full force with his body. It wasn't pretty. His buddies then shot the bad guy. <br /><br />That was the part of the movie I remember most. This guy had a choice to make a sacrifice, and he did. <em> That</em> was a heroic act. He could have tried to run or throw himself behind something and let the other guys sink or swim on their own, but he chose to sacrifice himself. <br /><br />I remember back when our country first entered Iraq, a young soldier did the same thing. He was clearing a room, saw a grenade, and threw his body down on it. I remember being so incredibly upset because I was identifying with his mother, knowing and worrying that my kid might be in that same circumstance. It was just terrifying. But I knew his act was heroic - a personal sacrifice for the benefit of others. That "Band of Brothers" mentality which ennobles a person enough to sacrifice themselves for their buddies is a mind-blower. <br /><br />In my opinion, some of the most blatant acts of heroism ever known were performed by "The Righteous Gentiles." That's what Israel called people who protected Jews from the German "Final Solution" during World War II. These were folks who knew they could die and their children could be tortured and hung in the street as a message to others for what they did, but they risked everything and did it anyway. When you read or see interviews with any of these people, they all say the exact same simple, humble thing: "It was the right thing to do." <br /><br />I believe "doing the right thing" has a lot to do with how people are brought up. For example, when my boy was growing up, I told him that I didn't care about the zero-violence nonsense at school. I said, "If somebody hits you, or even more importantly, threatens or hits somebody else, I <em>expect</em> you to intervene and we will deal with the principal later." <br /><br />One day, he came home in trouble. A boy had been picking on another boy at school, and my son punched the bully. I took my son out to dinner and sent my husband to go deal with the principal.<br /><br />In short, heroism is about making a personal sacrifice for the benefit of others. It's serving others at a cost to you. When those firemen, police officers and other folks looked up and saw the burning buildings on 9/11 with debris falling everywhere and smoke filling every breath, they made the decision to go into the buildings knowing full well that they may never come out again (and a lot of them didn't). <em>That</em> is heroism - not a guy who gets paid a lot of money to make field goals for people's entertainment.Staff2012-10-11T07:00:00ZVideo: Use Hypnotherapy to Transform PainStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Use-Hypnotherapy-to-Transform-Pain/484835468987645489.html2012-10-10T17:48:00Z2012-10-10T17:48:00Z<p>This listener, Lidia, was severely injured during her naval service. Her surgery and rehab were botched and, on top of that, her family never visited while she was in the hospital. </p>
<p>Twenty-five years later, her rage over these incidents has returned and she's not sure if this is post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). In my opinion, it's not about her injuries or rehab, it's about her feeling abandoned by her family. I've got a way to transform that pain into something else...<br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/5LmOz7O-_-k" height="349"></iframe></p>Staff2012-10-10T17:48:00ZFat is a FactStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Fat-is-a-Fact/-286597210505434189.html2012-10-09T14:56:00Z2012-10-09T14:56:00Z<p>A listener, Pat, heard my commentary yesterday regarding the overweight anchorwoman in Wisconsin and sent me an email which you can read below. Here is my response:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>I frankly have no clue as to the point you wish to make. Fat is a fact: of health, appearance, and economics via medical issues. Two-thirds of Americans are fat or obese - fact. Obviously, very few of two-thirds of all Americans are fat due to some rare medical condition. The vast majority are fat because they eat more calories than they work off. Fit people live longer and spend less of their later years suffering from various ailments which statistically can be avoided by being fit - which is not only a measure of weight...but muscle tone and endurance - fact. </p>
<p>Yes, Pat, it is worth a judgment. I am 65 and work hard at being fit. I talk about it on air quite often, you're right. And except for your letter, I get responses that tell me it is an inspiration to those younger. Skinny is not healthy; fat is not healthy. I admire folks who put in the effort to take care of their health...and fat/obese is a measure of health. You appear to be absorbed by "feelings"; feelings don't change facts. </p>
<p>Thank you for taking the time to respond - I do appreciate a dialogue...it gives me the opportunity to clarify my positions. </p>
<p>Warmly,</p>
<p>Dr. Laura</p>
</blockquote>
<p>Pat's email:</p>
<blockquote>
<p>On my drive home yesterday, I listened to The Dr. Laura Program as I do most days, much to my surprise, horror and shock at the miss informed Dr. Laura......She discussed facts about the news lady that received a very sad letter or email from a gentleman who felt she was a poor role model as she was fat, not as Dr. Laura reported just that she was fat and may I say the news lady responded not at all as Dr. Laura reported. She felt her size did not make her a poor role model to her girls and others, also that he did not know her so he should not judge her. Not at all as reported about just her being FAT. </p>
<p>Now according to Dr. Laura, all the fat people will want to sue and complain, well I also am 64 and I am in as good a shape as Dr. Laura claims to be on a constant basis and I feel very good about myself but do not feel the constant need to tell all how wonderfully fit I am, I am telling you this as I am not a fat person complaining. My whole point to this is Dr. Laura should not judge on size and she should have reported exactly what happened not what she heard other people debating. No one is perfect and for this one time I know that Dr. Laura was wrong... Also Dr. Laura should not have went on about her size, as she has told many viewers she is not a Physician, so she is not really sure if the news lady is as fat as she claimed. To me and many others who are not fat, she was way out of line. It seems unimportant to her who listens and I do many times agree with her, but she is wrong and I really do not know if I will tune in again... Shame on her....</p>
</blockquote>Staff2012-10-09T14:56:00ZLove at First SightStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Love-at-First-Sight/-64658526889729392.html2012-10-08T14:23:00Z2012-10-08T14:23:00Z<p>How many movies have you seen where a man sees a woman across a room filled with people dancing and he thinks, "<a href="http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/NEWSLETTER%20ARTICLES/men_fall_in_love.html" target="_blank">That's it, I'm in love</a>." </p>
<p>I believe that men are a lot more likely to say, "I fell in love at first sight," and women to say, "Gee, he's really hot." Guys are visual - "I fell in love at first sight." They fall in love with what they see and what they feel right after seeing it. If a man sees a woman who he finds attractive and he feels she is sexually interested in him, he'll think he's fallen in love right then and there. </p>
<p>However, no matter what he thinks, at this point he is not in love. "Over 90 percent of a man's decision at this stage is purely based on visual cues. Some men get super glued on boobs, others on booties and others on legs, etc. Physical features and bouncy behavior that suggests youth, health and vitality... It's just pure sexual chemistry. At this stage, you are still dispensable and interchangeable. You're still just another woman in the pack, and he is still very much attracted to several other women at the same time."</p>
<p>A lot of people call into my show saying, "Oh my gosh, I've been seeing him/her for three weeks and we're totally in love," but my answer is always the same: "No you're not." There could be a romantic or sexual attraction, but that's all. This is just the fantasy stage - you think he or she is what you fantasize you want. It's the stage where you're wearing rose-colored glasses and ignoring things. I can't tell you how many times I've told callers, "You ignored these things, didn't you?," and after denying it several times, they eventually say, "Well, yes, but I didn't know they were going to be this bad. I saw what I wanted to see." </p>
<p>If you've got a guy who wants to do the settling down process by shacking up, humping out of wedlock, and making babies without any commitment, then I've got a news flash for you: he's not in love with you. No man in love with a woman does that. When a man is in love, he stakes his claim. All throughout the animal kingdom, males make it clear who is their woman. Men enforce it by giving their woman a ring, a ceremony, and a commitment of fidelity.</p>
<p>So, for all you silly girls out there thinking that a guy who wants to hook up or shack up is in love with you, you are so unbelievably wrong.</p>Staff2012-10-08T14:23:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/173843962408914889.html2012-10-05T07:00:00Z2012-10-05T07:00:00Z<p><em>At two hours after midnight appeared the land, at a distance of 2 leagues.</em></p>
<p>Christopher Columbus<br />Italian-born Navigator and Explorer<br />1451- 1506<br /><em>Journal of the First Voyage, October 12, 1492</em></p>
<p>This year, Columbus Day is celebrated on Monday, October 8.</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/land_midnight.jpg" alt="" width="507" height="338" /></p>Staff2012-10-05T07:00:00ZKeeping Secrets from Your SpouseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Keeping-Secrets-from-Your-Spouse/362465502772922844.html2012-10-04T07:00:00Z2012-10-04T07:00:00Z<p>Just because something is true doesn't mean it needs to be said. Everything that crosses your mind shouldn't necessarily come out of your mouth. Honesty is sometimes a cross between stupidity and cruelty, and when it comes to <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/face-it/201206/relationship-secrets-when-tell-or-not-tell" target="_blank">keeping secrets from your spouse</a>, honesty is not always the best policy. </p>
<p>The most successful long-term relationships are based on very strong emotional and physical connections. However, <em>intimacy is not necessarily equated with absolute and complete honesty. </em></p>
<p>There are obviously some things you ought to be honest about:</p>
<p><em><strong>Debt.</strong></em> I'm amazed at how many times I talk to somebody who wasn't told that their spouse-to-be had college loans, credit card debt, and no money in the bank until after they were married. A lot of times people don't find out that their new spouse is in debt until they see their credit when they're applying for a mortgage. <em>Hiding bad money skills leads to feelings of betrayal and mistrust </em>that can sometimes never be overcome. A lot of people walk away from marriages in which their spouse put the family in debt due to their spending or unwise financial schemes.</p>
<p><em><strong>Eating disorders and substance abuse.</strong></em> If you have an eating disorder or a substance abuse problem, you have to disclose it in advance. Ongoing substance abuse or addiction will almost always interfere with intimacy. Why? Because something else is more important than your spouse. Unless it's dealt with, addiction will destroy just about every relationship. That's the truth.</p>
<p><em><strong>Past illegal activities. </strong> It's best to reveal and explain past crimes and jail time because not only are they available on public record, but keeping them hidden only fills you with enormous guilt. And if you're exposed, it will scare everybody into thinking that the behavior could be repeated.</em></p>
<p><em><strong>Molestation.</strong></em> There was a period of a couple days where it seemed like just about every woman who called in to my show had been molested when she was younger and had no interest in having sex with her husband. I put a question up on my website asking women who had been molested if they thought female molestation victims should ever get married. When reading the responses, I was shocked to find that most of them said, "No." That blew my mind. Quite frankly, I didn't expect that would be the answer. Considering this, I think that if a molestation is clearly still part of your life today, you need to tell your spouse-to-be. Generally when a woman is a victim of molestation, the molester never gets exposed and the woman feels residual fear and anger. They feel bitter about justice not being served and get mad at their parents and whoever else failed to protect them. However, it's their spouse who ends up getting the brunt of it because that's the one area where the victim has power. Withholding sex from their spouse, for example, is a way they maintain that power. It's not really all that complicated. Past molestation should be revealed because it can lead to a very painful marriage if left concealed.</p>
<p><em><strong>Lack of sex drive.</strong></em> <em>There are a lot of women who keep their disinterest in sex a secret and fake their orgasms. Some guys keep their Viagra in a hiding place. Although we live in a culture that is erotic and pornographic, we don't seem to be able to talk about intimacies with the people we're closest with. </em> Every day I get a call from some man or woman upset because they have misinterpreted their spouse's physical disinterest as a lack of love and caring. The first thing I always recommend for couples to do in this situation is for them to each get a complete physical. Check everything out. Examine your hormone levels because they have a lot to do with your sex drive. Next, take a look at your schedules and lifestyle. What is it that's making you tired or preventing you from being playful and affectionate? It's sometimes advantageous to talk to an independent third party like a therapist or a religious person who has counseling experience. </p>
<p>Because of the above concerns, I think it's important that you go through six months of premarital counseling with your spouse-to-be so these secrets get uncovered.</p>
<p>However, not everything needs to be shared with your spouse. <em>Intimacy and complete openness are not one and the same. You need to share your vulnerabilities with each other, but you also have to be sensitive to the consequences that sharing brings. </em></p>
<p><em><strong>Affairs.</strong></em> I've had a lot of people call in to my show saying, "Oh my gosh, I had a half-hour fling, but I know it was stupid and wrong. I understand why I did it, and I take full responsibility for my actions. What should I do? I don't want to lose everything I have." My response is, "Well, get yourself tested to make sure you didn't contract a disease, and then keep your mouth shut until the day after you're dead." A lot of times, the spouse who had the affair wants to unburden themselves so they can feel better. However, if they do, they are only going to destroy the trust in the marriage forever. If you're truly remorseful and you're not going to repeat the stupid mistake, it's best to just get on with life.</p>
<p>Not everything that can be said should be said. If you have fantasies about someone, don't tell your spouse. You're only going to make him or her feel inadequate.</p>
<p>Just about everybody has a list of stuff they've done when they were younger that they're not proud of and they've learned from. If a past behavior is clearly no longer part of your present (e.g. speeding tickets, fist fights, etc.), file it in the "private" cabinet and keep it to yourself. Keep it safely between you and you. If it's seriously no longer part of your life, leave it alone because you'll be judged by what is no longer true.</p>Staff2012-10-04T07:00:00ZTeaching Children About Choosing FriendsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Teaching-Children-About-Choosing-Friends/-227052678898835268.html2012-10-03T07:00:00Z2012-10-03T07:00:00Z<p>Every parent frets about their kids having "weird" friends. At some point, children always seem to gravitate toward some unhealthy, unpleasant, or annoying kid that you don't like. </p>
<p>Kids pick their own friends, and who they choose says a lot about their character. However, they also get drawn into situations where they feel compelled out of fear or threat of isolation to be friends with certain kids.</p>
<p>I remember my son having a bunch of his buddies over once. When they all left, he came to me and asked, "So, did you like them?" I told him I particularly liked the ones who could look me square in the eye. I didn't say that I disliked anyone in particular. I just said that I thought the ones who could look me in the eye were more straight, confident, and comfortable kids. I told him it was just a preference on my end and that he may see other things in them. Perhaps one of them couldn't look me in the eye, but they were always there for him when he had a problem. </p>
<p>If your son or daughter has weird friends, you have to give them little hints like that. By doing this, you're not criticizing, condemning, or excommunicating any of their friends. You're simply giving feedback. The minute you start singling out and condemning one kid, your child is going to become best friends with him or her.</p>
<p><strong>Ask your child what they think constitutes a <a href="http://www.thedoorthatsnotlocked.ca/pdfs/Unhealthy_Friendships_and_Internet_Safety.pdf" target="_blank">good friend</a>.</strong> Have them to think about what happens at school:</p>
<ul>
<li>Who's not nice? Who hurts other kids? </li>
<li>Is anyone <em>bossy</em>? Does anyone tell your child what and what not to do, or <em>use threats</em> to get them to do things? Do any of your child's friends try to make them <em>feel guilty</em> if they don't get what they want? </li>
<li>Does anyone <em>get jealous or angry </em>if your child spends time with other people? </li>
<li>Do any of your child's friends <em>talk behind their back, laugh at them, or make fun of them</em>? Do any of them <em>spread rumors about your kid, tell lies, or share stuff they told them in secret?</em> </li>
<li>Do any of your child's friends <em>play rough by hitting, pushing, pinching, kicking, scratching, slapping, or punching? </em> </li>
<li>Do any of your child's friends <em>ignore them if they haven't gotten their way?</em> Do they <em>only pay attention when they want something and ignore your child when he or she has something important to talk about?</em></li>
</ul>
<p>Instead of attacking a particular kid, <a href="http://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/808095/when-you-dislike-your-kids-friends" target="_blank">what you should be doing </a>is <strong>constantly grooming your child to be thinking about these things and then have them make their own decisions</strong>. Kids choose their own friends, and at some point, parents become secondary to their kid's friends. That's just the way it is. When you attack your kid's friends, it's like pulling the rug out from under them when there's no floor there. Instead, you should be more indirect about it and avoid the tug-of-war. Discuss with them what the qualities and behaviors of an unhealthy friend are. Keep your voice very low-key, and help them understand that friends do not embarrass each other, put each other down, pressure each other to do bad things, act nicely only when they want something, or reveal information they share in confidence. Put it back on your child to think about. </p>
<p>When you see your child in cahoots with a particularly snotty, nasty, or rotten little bugger of a kid, just tell them, "You know, I was a little surprised that when Johnny or Mary said 'blahbity blah,' you didn't stand your ground. I think standing your ground is a good thing. Sometimes it may annoy our friends, but there are times when it's important to stand our ground when we know certain things are right and wrong. You might think about that for next time." So, instead of saying, "That kid's rotten and I don't want to see him in the house anymore," you're <strong>putting it on your child to have strength of conviction.</strong></p>
<p>You can also <em><strong>set limits and boundaries</strong></em>, such as telling your child that he or she can only play with their friend when they are at your house. In addition, one of the best things you can do is to take the stinger away. I've been suggesting this for years and years and years - especially when kids call saying their friend is being mean. For example, tell your child that you are going to take them to the zoo and suggest they invite some of their friends, especially the ones you're having a little trouble with. While you're at the zoo, make an alliance with the kids you think are rotten. You don't know what's going on in their homes or what's making them so difficult, but you can sometimes tame the beasts when you invite them to the beach or ask them to come over for a picnic or a barbecue in the backyard. </p>
<p>I remember once my parents were concerned about a friend of mine whose nickname was Penny. I don't know why they were so concerned about Penny at the time, except that we got into some trouble. Remember those phony phone calls? As kids, we'd call up someone, ask them if their refrigerator was running, and then tell them they'd better go catch it. Or we'd dial a bread company and order a whole bunch of bread to be sent to somebody's house. It was pretty terrible - we only thought about the people we were annoying, and we didn't consider the poor bread company. I remember my dad sitting me down and saying, "OK let's talk about what a friend is. Does a friend have you do things that are bad?" I responded, "Well, I guess not," even though at age 9 I thought friends that did bad stuff were pretty fun. He then went through a list similar to the one I discussed earlier and said, "Now you make up your own mind." </p>
<p>Given the power to make up your own mind, you tend to do the right thing. You don't believe me? If you've got kids who always squabble over who has the biggest piece of cake, pie, or whatever, next time let one of them cut it and the other one pick the slice he or she wants. It's amazing how the pieces all of a sudden come out even.</p>Staff2012-10-03T07:00:00ZVideo: Mom Blames Me for Her ProblemsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Mom-Blames-Me-for-Her-Problems/98289820397004442.html2012-10-02T19:05:00Z2012-10-02T19:05:00ZJust because your parent is no longer an active alcoholic, that doesn’t mean they have matured. In this week's video, Trisha wants to know what to do with all her pent-up anger toward her mother who continues to be a troublemaker.<br /><br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/oruuDuZ2yE0" height="349"></iframe>Staff2012-10-02T19:05:00ZSpying on a CheaterStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Spying-on-a-Cheater/-8461745096105235.html2012-09-28T20:35:00Z2012-09-28T20:35:00Z<p>There is a show that's been on TV a very long time called <em>Cheaters</em>. I don't know how they've been able to do the same scenario for a dozen years, but they've pulled it off. </p>
<p>I've seen the show about one and a half times. Basically, someone who suspects their girlfriend or boyfriend of cheating hires this television program to do surveillance. The crew follows the boyfriend or girlfriend, tracks their car, photographs them at various places (restaurants, stores, etc.), and tape records their conversations. If he goes to a hotel, motel, or apartment, the cameras capture him going in, kissing his bimbo at the front door, and then grinding groins with her. If a guy tells his wife, "Oh honey, I have to be at work late," the show will then cut to time-stamped footage of him going somewhere else. </p>
<p>Near the end of each episode, the person who is being cheated on gets to see the tape, realizes they're right, and then feels very badly betrayed. The program ends with the girl or guy confronting their husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend. It's a free-for-all with the television cameras rolling. The cheater and their bimbo or side stud start yelling, "What?! What is this?," followed by a bunch of "beeps" (because of all the bad words they're saying). I always think it's funny when the cheater says, "How could you do this to me?," in reference to being put under surveillance and exposed on TV. Somehow they get moral outrage at that, not about the fact that they're screwing around on somebody. <br /> <br />Now, a lot of shows try to market merchandise to make money on the side: T-shirts, mugs, spaghetti sauce...whatever. But for a show like <em>Cheaters</em>, it's a little different. Since they can't exactly make shirts saying, "I'm a cheater," or, "I caught my spouse cheating," they have instead decided to open up a <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/03/cheaters-tv-show-opens-online-spy-shop_n_1173295.html" target="_blank">spy goods web store</a>:</p>
<p><em>"The Cheater's Spy Shop sells all sorts of surveillance gear for suspicious minds, including recovery sticks that can pull up anything currently on the iPhone and even recover deleted information; mobile software that will send a person all texts and pictures being sent, web history, call logs, and GPS location every 30 minutes; and even motion-activated hidden cameras that record any movement and activity in high resolution [HD, 3D, whatever you want]...</em></p>
<p>The laws governing the use of surveillance devices by average citizens differ all over the place. A lot of people think they're legally allowed to spy on their spouses, but depending on how it's done, that may or may not be true. It may be totally legal to make, sell, and buy this stuff, but depending on the jurisdiction you're in, it may or may not be legal to use because people have privacy rights. Some people also get concerned that stalkers could misuse the technology. It's pretty scary to think about - a stalker could potentially put a tracking device at the bottom of your purse and know where you are at all times. If you're thinking of participating in an operation to expose a cheater either with a private investigator or just by yourself, you have to make sure that whatever equipment or techniques you're using are legal in your state. </p>
<p><em>"The two groups who seem to be buying the products the most are women worried their man is cheating, and parents who want to make sure their kids aren't sexting or getting inappropriate photos themselves." </em> The biggest month for buying is Valentine's Day. They're not really sure why, but my guess is that women who either get nothing or get something worth less than what they see charged to their husband's credit card start wondering where the money went.</p>
<p><a href="http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/lying-and-deception/detecting-deception/discover-the-truth/catch-cheating.html" target="_blank">Cheating spouses typically get caught</a> in a couple of ways:</p>
<p><strong>1. Accidental discovery:</strong> Most cheaters are not CIA agents. They don't know how to totally cover their tracks, and they forget things like a parking sticker hanging from the rearview mirror. Deception and infidelity are usually uncovered by somebody making a mistake. "A husband or wife decides to come home from work early, a third party inadvertently reveals the truth, an unpaid parking ticket reveals a spouse's true whereabouts, or an e-mail exchange is accidentally sent to the wrong person." Many times on the air, I've heard callers say, "He meant to send it to her, but somehow he clicked me."</p>
<p><strong>2. Monitoring/Surveillance:</strong> A lot of cheaters are exposed after being monitored by either their spouse or a private investigator. From what I've read, if a private investigator uses a technique that's illegal, even if unbeknownst to you, you are still liable because they're essentially an extension of you. Be careful!</p>
<p>So what should you do if you think your spouse or significant other is cheating?</p>
<p>If you're not just a hypersensitive or neurotic person, then your instinct that your spouse is cheating is probably right. If you get suspicious, ask yourself the following question: "Why is he/she cheating?" Did you make a mistake in picking someone who is simply a bad person? If your wife had a million affairs while you were dating or your husband cheated while you were pregnant with your first kid (and then you went ahead and made three more) then "Duh!" - you made a mistake. However, people don't always cheat because they're bad people. Other things come into play, usually relating to the quality of the relationship. As it turns out, men more than women require opposite-sex feedback for their egos. Women can turn to their girlfriends to hear about what a bum their husband is and how wonderful they are. But guys don't turn to their guy friends - they turn to other women. </p>
<p>If you're a woman and are worried about your husband having an affair, you should read my book <em>The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands </em>to see if you're to blame. Your husband once picked you, wanted you, and ultimately loved you. Perhaps if you stopped acting the way you currently are, you wouldn't be throwing away a perfectly good man. A lot of times women call my show saying, "I think my husband's having an affair," and I tell them that they can either blow up the marriage or they can look at themselves honestly and admit, "I stopped being my husband's girlfriend. I'm going to take the proper steps to turn it back on." As his wife, you always have an edge over a new honey. A new honey may be very exciting, but a new honey has no context or history like you have with him. Losing you not only means losing the house, the kids, the dog, the parakeet and the cat, but he'll be losing extended family and friends as well. There's so much for him to lose. Missing the girlfriend doesn't come close to that. So ultimately you have the power.</p>
<p>There are a million and a half articles on the topic of cheating, but it all boils down to one basic concept: if you treat your spouse and dearly beloved in such a way that he or she wants to come home to you every night, then you're doing great and you're probably not going to have a cheating spouse.</p>
<p>Now that being said, some people are simply jerks no matter how much love and effort you're putting in to the relationship. The following article contains some practical tips on how to catch a cheater: "Tips for Discovering the Truth." Discerning whether or not there is bad behavior going on (affairs, whores, drugs, etc.) usually helps you with securing custody of the children later. And remember: Don't just ask, "Honey, are you having an affair?" That never works. Don't even bother.</p>
<p> </p>Staff2012-09-28T20:35:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-753309618019545518.html2012-09-27T21:53:00Z2012-09-27T21:53:00Z<p><em>There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.</em></p>
<p>Edith Wharton<br />Pulitzer Prize-winning<br />American novelist<br />1862-1937</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/candle_mirror.jpg" alt="" width="425" height="454" /></p>Staff2012-09-27T21:53:00ZRegretting the DivorceStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Regretting-the-Divorce/-857794814050386384.html2012-09-27T06:59:00Z2012-09-27T06:59:00Z<p>Over the many, many years I've worked as a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice and on the air, I've done a lot of research on divorce, especially when it involves kids. The scientific literature differs very much from popular literature in what the happiness quotient is after a divorce. Scientific literature suggests that a good three quarters of people who divorce regret it. Maybe not immediately, but 10 years later, they do. "I should never have done it" is the kind of thing usually uttered privately after a divorce. And after the papers have been signed, the property divided, the child custody settled, and the emotional pain still lingering, it's usually too late to go back. </p>
<p>Half of women and a third of men stay angry at their former spouse after a divorce. They mentally just don't move on. They have to deal with a host of things: loneliness, painful memories, having to get new friends, uncomfortable changes, uncertainty about how they are going to pay their bills (people don't usually go up in economic standing after their family is torn apart).</p>
<p>In my opinion, most marriages careening into divorce can be saved. By saved, I'm talking about turning a troubled situation into a good one - not just coexisting. A lot of times I nag people to just stay in a marriage in the hopes that if they just cut down on the rage and realize they have to endure and make the best of it, the tension calms and better things come out of it. Generally, there are very simple things they can do to make themselves and their spouse happy. </p>
<p>Of course, if your spouse is abusive, has had affairs, is an addict, suffers from a mental illness, or refuses to get help or follow through with therapy, then although it's sad, a divorce is probably inevitable and you're going to be happier to unload all of that pain. But I think for the most part, especially after hearing from all the people on my program over the years, most divorces (most, not all) happen because someone says, "I'm unhappy and I don't know what else to do." They figure, "OK, I'll get a divorce and I'll be happier because my marriage is the source of my unhappiness."</p>
<p>There are a number of factors which can minimize your chances of getting a divorce. If I were empress for a day, I would make it so that <strong>nobody could get married without premarital counseling</strong>. It creates a much lower divorce rate because people work out their differences in a calm and neutral setting before the problems arise. They have a trained professional helping them deal with the things most people avoid, which later come up and bite them. </p>
<p>Additionally, as it turns out, <strong>people who actively practice one religion together and pray on a daily basis have a much lower divorce rate</strong>. It doesn't matter which religion. These people are more centered. Also, <strong>very religious people are givers</strong>. They are not as concerned with taking. When you have two people who are givers, the marriage works out really well. Now, "so-called" religious couples - couples who share the same religion but are not active - do not have a lower divorce rate. </p>
<p>Another divorce factor is <strong>how early you get married</strong>. The reason? Maturity. The closer you are to 28 years old before you marry, the more realistic it is that you'll stay with your spouse. </p>
<p>We live in a society today where marriage and family are no longer seen as sacred, permanent and unconditional. This lack of stability hurts the entire country. The increasing number of second marriages, the resulting stepfamilies, and the even higher divorce rates occurring after the stepfamilies are created all contribute to the problem. It's not just the dissolution of the nuclear family that's so destructive - it's what happens afterwards. </p>Staff2012-09-27T06:59:00ZHow to Not Lose a FriendStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Not-Lose-a-Friend/-444622317571886537.html2012-09-26T07:00:00Z2012-09-26T07:00:00Z<p>Friends are really important. They make you feel anchored to the world, and without them, you feel lonely, isolated, and depressed. They care about you and do things with you. You can talk to different friends about different things - you can blow off steam, you can get feedback, or you might receive a badly needed dose of comeuppance and become a better person. But most importantly, it feels good knowing it matters to other people that you exist. </p>
<p>But even when people have great friends, they somehow still manage to screw it all up. Here are some steps you can take to prevent <a href="http://lazysusanspeaks.com/ways-ruin-friendship/" target="_blank">losing a friend</a>:</p>
<p>The best way to ruin a wonderful friendship is <strong>to make negative assumptions</strong>. If a friend doesn't call you for four days, you assume they don't like you, they forgot you, or they are being rude and insensitive. You lament that they should know you are going through stuff. However, instead of making negative assumptions, you could just pick up the phone and say, "Hey, are you OK? I haven't heard from you, so I was concerned about you." </p>
<p>That's a friend - the other is a parasite. </p>
<p><em><strong>Gossiping and betraying someone's trust</strong></em> is another way to ruin a friendship. Talking to anyone about your friend's personal issues, feelings, and thoughts is a huge betrayal.</p>
<p><em><strong>Failing to reciprocate.</strong></em> One of my main definitions of a friendship is that it's reciprocal. Now, that doesn't mean you have to do the same things back and forth, that's sort of silly (i.e. you got me a piece of bread, so I need to get you one). Reciprocating means making an effort to do something benevolent for the other person (e.g. getting your friend bread if they're hungry, or helping them untangle their hair if their hair is tangled). </p>
<p><em><strong>Talking and not listening.</strong></em> Somebody ruined a friendship with me by not listening and only talking. She didn't even listen when I tried to talk to her about not listening. I took her hands in mine, sat really close to her so that we were almost nose to nose, and told her that I loved her and enjoyed doing things with her, but there was an issue. I told her that I couldn't talk to her about anything without her stopping me and talking about herself. I talked about how it always got either intrusive or competitive (i.e. I couldn't talk to her about a toe without her stopping me to tell me that she had 20 toes). She said she was sorry and that things would change, but they never did. So we took a break. The break has lasted two years, and it has been good. It's not that she is a bad person, she's just not a good friend.</p>
<p>You need to have an attitude in life that <strong><em>your problems are not more important than anyone else's</em></strong>. There are a lot of people who have a problem hither and thither, and they are just horrible to everybody. We all are a little grumpier or more reserved when we are stressed out, but when that happens, just hold up a Post-it note that reads, "I'm stressed out beyond comprehension, don't take anything I say seriously." Just communicate it any way you can, and make it fun.</p>
<p>Another way to ruin a friendship is <em><strong>failing to stay in touch</strong></em>. With technology these days, there is almost no excuse for not staying in contact. You can send a text or an email if you don't want to lick a stamp, or you can video chat.</p>
<p>You also lose friends by <strong><em>only making use of them when you need them</em></strong>. When you don't need them, they get dismissed. You have to <em><strong>do things to nurture the friendship</strong></em>. Think of cute things to say to them and do with them. Ask them how they are doing. If they have a lot on their plate, tell them that you're worried and ask if there is anything you can do to lighten the load. Even if they say no, talking to you may be just what they needed. </p>
<p>If you know your friend is having an exhausting time with a new baby or some other crisis, come over one night with a fully prepared dinner in Tupperware, hand it to them, and then turn around and leave. Little things like that show you are thinking of him or her. Don't be stingy. Give more than you get.</p>
<p><em><strong>Don't sneak around with your friend's spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend. </strong></em> I can't even begin to tell you how many people say that their husband or wife left them for their best friend. Excuse me? "Best friends" don't become intimate with each other's boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, or wives. You just don't do that.</p>
<p>Another tip: <strong><em>learn to compromise and don't be competitive with their other friends and family.</em></strong> Just because they don't do A, B and C with you, appreciate that they do L, G and H with you. Don't make them feel stressed out to the point where they feel like they have to choose between you and the rest of the universe. <strong><em>And if your friend wants to try something new, don't say no.</em></strong> People get a little compulsive about their comfort zones. Both you and your friend should stretch out and try new things. <br /> <br /><em><strong>Don't make fun of their errors all the time.</strong></em> I have a friend named Sam who I play tennis with. One day he was eating dinner at our house after a game, and we started making jokes. Because he had missed a shot, he sighed and said, "Does that mean I can't have salad?" It has become a running joke between the two of us. Whenever we miss shots we should have made, we keep going back and forth with which parts of dinner we should and shouldn't get. You can have a good time poking fun, but don't belittle each other.</p>
<p>Lastly, <em><strong>act like a friend, not a parent</strong></em>. You can't control how other people behave. If you see your friend being self-destructive in any way, tell them, "It just kills me to see you hurting yourself like this because this is in your control. It doesn't feel like it, but it is." That's not being a parent, that's being a friend. If their self-destructive behavior becomes more typical, then you have to draw a line. You're not telling them how to act - you're telling them what your expectation of a friend is. If they don't fall into that category, then they're not a friend and they're not somebody you should put effort into. </p>
<p>Let's say, for example, that you have a friend who is married with little kids and is flagrantly having an affair. I would discuss it with them several times, talk about the impact on the kids, their marriage, etc. If that doesn't work, I would ultimately say, "I don't have friends who betray the people who love them and are willing to have fun at the expense of their kids' well-being. I am not interested in putting effort into somebody like that as a friend." If they respond by saying, "Oh, well you're just being judgmental," you just say back, "Damned straight I am, except I'm judging you as 'friend' material. Whether you're 'mother' or 'wife' material is certainly not in my venue. All I'm judging is whether or not I want to call somebody who is doing this my friend." </p>
<p>That's the kind of discussion you should be having and feel no guilt about.</p>Staff2012-09-26T07:00:00ZVideo: Help Me Get Back My Happy ManStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Help-Me-Get-Back-My-Happy-Man/447670804008183406.html2012-09-25T17:25:00Z2012-09-25T17:25:00ZDownsizing and reorganization in companies sometimes brings lay offs or underemployment which can foster humiliation. How can you help your loved one - particularly a <em>real man</em> - through these tough times? Here's my advice:<br /><br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/S5RKew0PKNU" height="349"></iframe>Staff2012-09-25T17:25:00ZAnti-Bullying Laws Are Not the SolutionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Anti-Bullying-Laws-Are-Not-the-Solution/-158430220802367880.html2012-09-24T07:00:00Z2012-09-24T07:00:00ZAnti-bullying laws have recently been popping up all over America. They allow children to report their classmates to the police if they feel they are being bullied. However, in my opinion, these laws are stupid. <br /><br />I have always said that if another kid lays a hand on your child, tell your kid to drop them down and hurt them. If a kid lays a hand on someone else's child, tell your kid to drop them down and hurt them. You have a responsibility to teach your children to stand up for themselves and other people. Put them in jujitsu classes so they know how to do it without any blood or broken bones. <br /><br />Of course these days, bullying is not only limited to the playground. It happens outside of school on the Internet (in my day, the equivalent was spreading notes and gossiping). I am well aware of how people can be damaged and hurt on the Internet, but I also grew up with the motto, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." We have totally given that up and told our children that the second their feelings are hurt, it's all over. Nobody has a right to not be offended, and no kid has the right to not have hurt feelings. You need to teach your kids how to stand up for themselves and respond to bullying. <br /> <br />Now, these anti-bullying laws are largely based on anecdotal circumstances. Sadly, some children and young adults have committed suicide over being harassed. However, there haven't been scores of children killing themselves. There have been unique incidences of suicide, and we've always seen those. Every kid who gets picked on doesn't kill him or herself. It has a lot more to do with their mental constitution and family dynamics than the bullying. These experiences are horrible, but they aren't the norm, and making laws based on the exceptions is ridiculous. <br /><br />I can't imagine the pain of being a parent whose child has terminated his or her own life. It's impossible to understand and appreciate, and I am in no way minimizing it. All I'm saying is that these are isolated cases of individual people and their inability to cope. <br /><br />Do I have a definitive solution to all of this? Not in our society anymore. When I was a kid, the school called your parents, they gave you crap, and you were disciplined at school. These days, if the school calls a parent, they give the school crap. We're becoming a disordered, self-defending society. I may not have a solution, but the solution is definitely not to involve the police because somebody is calling you names. Whatever happened to kids working out their own stuff? <br /><br />Here's what I would do. If I had a kid right now who was being bullied on the Internet, I would link it to another page saying, "These are the kids who are using the Internet to hurt other kids." I wouldn't say anything mean or attack back. I would just list all the things they are doing. And at the bottom of the page I would also put, "Are these the kinds of kids you have come over and play with your kids?" That way you bring the problem to light. Embarrass the bullies and let their parents deal with them. Smear their reputations with facts. I think there should be websites that show facts about adults and kids who do bad things. FACTS! No exaggerations. No bad-mouthing. Just facts. <br /><br />We live in a country where hurt feelings are the most important thing in the world. It's time to toughen up folks. Have your kids toughen up. It's really important to you teach your kids to stand up for themselves and be able to handle life. <br />Staff2012-09-24T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-930403569664260356.html2012-09-21T12:44:00Z2012-09-21T12:44:00Z<p><em>...there is a harmony</em><br /><em>In autumn, and a lustre in its sky, </em><br /><em>Which through the summer is not heard or seen...</em></p>
<p>Percy Bysshe Shelley<br />English Romantic poet<br />1792-1822<br />From “Hymn to Intellectual Beauty”</p>
<p>Tomorrow, September 22, marks the first day of autumn.</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/autumn.jpg" alt="" width="507" height="338" /></p>Staff2012-09-21T12:44:00ZFeeling Envious or Jealous?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Feeling-Envious-or-Jealous/-165026440460542399.html2012-09-20T07:00:00Z2012-09-20T07:00:00ZPeople get jealousy and envy mixed up a lot. Let me give you a thumbnail sketch of each: <br /><br /><strong>Envy</strong> is the emotion you get when you want something that someone else has. It's a two-person thing: there's you and the person you're envious of. You could want beauty, wealth, socioeconomic status...whatever. Envy is wishing and wanting. <br /><br />A good example of envy can be seen in <em>Snow White.</em> The evil queen envies how pretty and sweet her stepdaughter is and does the whole "mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?" routine. The film also portrays one of two types of envy. There is malicious envy (i.e. Snow White's evil stepmother), and then there's sort of everyday benign envy. When you are maliciously envious, you become vicious and try to hurt other people by trying to take things away from them. If you are feeling just benign envy, you are looking at other people and thinking, "Wow, I wish <em>I</em> had that," or "I wish <em>I</em> could do that." It's more motivating than destructive. <br /><br /><strong>Jealousy</strong>, on the other hand, is a three-person thing. It's the emotion you get when you fear that someone or something is going to be taken away from you by someone else. <br /><br />Jealousy was the main theme of the movie, <em>Gladiator.</em> Caesar's son was very angry with Russell Crowe's character because his dad admired this soldier guy more. So the son killed his dad, took over his position, killed the wife and kid of Russell Crowe's character, and put him in "gladiator hell" because Daddy - just like in the "Cain and Abel" story - loved one of them more. <br /><br />Envy and jealousy affect everyone's life. I think, statistically speaking, we're envious infinitely more than we are jealous. However, what really matters is what we do when we feel jealousy or envy: How do we experience it? How do we cope with it?<br /><br />I have always rejoiced when someone who I perceive as having earned something has success. I have a tough time not resenting people who get things they haven't earned. That, personally, is my struggle. But it's not in my nature to do something evil to them because of it. I don't wish to give into "the dark side." <br /><br />Here's what you can do the next time you are feeling jealous or envious. Let's say that one of your coworkers gets a promotion and you don't feel like they deserve it. Or maybe you're jealous that your spouse gets to be the breadwinner and you have to parent, or vice versa. Well, you can either say, "Oh gee, I wish I had 'x'," and spend your time being miserable, or you can be motivated by it. You have to <strong>choose between misery and motivation. </strong><br /><br />Ultimately, you have to put your I.Q. over your emotions. I talk about that dichotomy on my program on a daily basis. Emotions are irrational and powerful, and they can only be combated with your brain. You have to realize that although you may be 100 percent correct about something being unfair, there is not a damned thing you can do about it. You can tear yourself up or tear them down, but either way, you won't be acting like the kind of person someone else would envy. Instead, use it as motivation to turn yourself into the kind of person everybody envies. <br /><br />No matter if it is envy or jealousy you're consumed by, it's going to be difficult for you to enjoy others' success if you continue to dwell on it. And furthermore, nobody's going to envy you if you're a bitter, frustrated, ugly, angry person.Staff2012-09-20T07:00:00ZSexualizing Our KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Sexualizing-Our-Kids/-819098764627816422.html2012-09-19T07:00:00Z2012-09-19T07:00:00ZThe problem with exposing kids to sex has far more to do with trivialization and objectification than simply encouraging kids to do it. It has to do with what kids are taught about human connection. <br /><br />Feminists are always saying that it doesn't matter how a woman dresses. Well, actually it does. It sends both gals and guys a message. When a woman dresses provocatively, it basically tells the universe that it is the best she has to offer. Sure her body may be beautiful, but you have to realize that for guys, the beauty of a woman's body eclipses her inner beauty (especially with all the movies out there that are geared towards teenage boys and celebrate guys sleeping around). <br /><br />Women who tend to objectify themselves are more likely to have eating disorders, low self-esteem, and depression, and they are more prone to being sexual risk-takers. If women are going to represent themselves as sex objects, then there will be no equality between males and females. <br /><br />I get so many calls from parents concerned about their kids being out of control and acting like they are adults in committed relationships. Their kids are shacking up because they're still rebelling and don't want to follow the rules. This behavior is dominating our society, and for parents, it's like being up against Goliath. <br /><br />So, what can we do?<br /><br />Parents have to spend a lot more time being invested and involved with their kids. Stop with the divorces and working 17 jobs. Realize that if you are going to have kids, you have a huge responsibility ahead of you. Parents should praise kids' intellectual, creative, and athletic abilities, but value their effort, hard work, and character over achievements. <em>Character</em> is far more important than looks or personal accomplishments. In short, parents really need to recommit to being parents. <br /><br />And remember, if you don't put the time, effort, and caring in to your kids, somebody else will. Do you want it to be you or their buddies and the media? <br />Staff2012-09-19T07:00:00ZVideo: My Adult Son is Unwilling to Work!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-My-Adult-Son-is-Unwilling-to-Work!/578733456393438254.html2012-09-18T17:48:00Z2012-09-18T17:48:00ZA parent's job is to raise their children to leave the nest, but what do you do when they want to come back and roost? I have several suggestions for this "mama bird".<br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/NX9j0Bag0Fo" height="349"></iframe>Staff2012-09-18T17:48:00ZDon't Make These Marriage MistakesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dont-Make-These-Marriage-Mistakes/-988201592544446933.html2012-09-17T07:00:00Z2012-09-17T07:00:00ZA marriage is a terrible thing to waste, especially when there are children involved. People enter into marriages all the time with such optimism, but realize that perhaps they were overly optimistic. Maybe you barely even knew the person, but you said you did because you had passion for them. However, marriage is not about passion - that's just part of it. Marriage is about two healthy people learning to live together and take on struggles together. They don't turn on each other - they turn to each other. <br /><br />I want to talk about <a href="http://www.marriagemax.com/blog/common-mistakes-marriage" target="_blank">some of the most common mistakes people make when it comes to marriage:</a><br /><br />1. Before you get married, the various things that make you "you" get exercised with a number of different people in your life. For example, you've got a friend you play golf with, somebody else you go beading with, somebody you talk to about politics, and somebody you share your religion with. Well, do you know what happens when you get married? <strong>You have the expectation that your spouse is now supposed to be the whole package,</strong> having all the accessories in life. Your spouse should definitely be your best friend - no question about that - <em>but not your only friend. Some other people might be better mentors, workout partners, antiquing buddies, etc.</em><br /><br />2. <strong><em>Sabotaging trust. </em></strong> <em>Love brought you together, but lack of trust will terminate everything.</em> Trust is all about the small things - <em>hiding store receipts, telling small lies, and casual flirting.</em> If your spouse sees that you're dishonest with the small things, they make the assumption you're a big risk for the big things. Be open and honest about the small things, and that way, you won't be doubted. <br /><br />3. <em><strong>Breaching privacy.</strong></em> How many times have you heard me yelling at people on my show because they told their mother/father/sister/uncle/cousin/friend or posted on Facebook about what their husband or wife did? They humiliated their spouse in public, made others think less of them, and now they're wondering why their relationship stinks. Don't put your spouse in the position of feeling exposed and betrayed. Don't talk to friends and family about private things. Just don't. <br /><br />4. <strong>Throwing around the "divorce" word every time you get pissy.</strong> <em>In the beginning of people's marriages, even little disappointments and slights can turn into big arguments.</em> It's no wonder why so many people call my show saying, "We've only been married a short amount of time and we're fighting all the time." It's because they went into the marriage with certain expectations, and then reality hit. <em>Their illusions about "he's perfect...she's perfect...it's perfect" get dented and bruised, </em>and they become angry about feeling let down, trapped, frustrated, and betrayed. However, you have to see this as just "real people time." Don't be throwing around "divorce" every time you have a disagreement. <em>Emotions can run high if you're not good at resolving conflicts together.</em> In your minds, you should both be saying, "Divorce is not an option. We must work to find a way to work through this." <br /><br />5. <em><strong>Insisting on being right.</strong></em> Some of you folks do this like you're arguing about what's the best Italian restaurant in town. <em>Constantly insisting that you're right, that your opinion is the correct one, or that your way is the best way is a quickie way to make your spouse feel undervalued and underestimated. If you find yourself in this situation, whether it's during a heated argument or just a friendly debate, ask yourself this question: "Would I rather be right or happy?" </em><br /><br />6. <strong>You don't spend enough time slurping each other.</strong> When I talk to people on the radio, I don't ask them if they are their spouse's husband or wife - I ask them if they are their "husband's girlfriend" or their "wife's boyfriend." What I'm implying is whether or not they do all the flirting, slurping, complementing touching, cuddling, tickling, and smiling people do when they're somebody's girlfriend or boyfriend. These are things that people tend not to do with their wife or husband. It's probably the biggest thing people admit to after going through a divorce: they know they weren't slurpy enough. <br /><br />If you're thinking about getting married or contemplating why the hell your marriage isn't going well, read my book, <em>The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage</em>, in addition to these tips. Trust me, it's really worth it. <br /><br />Staff2012-09-17T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-730902941355837664.html2012-09-13T22:23:00Z2012-09-13T22:23:00Z<p><em>Life is so much friendlier with two.</em></p>
<p>A.A. Milne<br />1882 - 1956<br />English author<br />From <em>Winnie-the-Pooh</em></p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/two_elelphants.jpg" alt="" width="338" height="507" /></p>Staff2012-09-13T22:23:00ZNow There's a Term for Letting Kids Be Kids: 'Redshirting'Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Now-Theres-a-Term-for-Letting-Kids-Be-Kids:-Redshirting/-407092376869700644.html2012-09-13T07:00:00Z2012-09-13T07:00:00Z"Redshirting" is a term that describes college athletes who practice in red shirts but do not compete in games to receive an extra year of eligibility. Recently, the same idea has been applied to young kids entering school. <em>More states than ever now <a href="http://www.usatoday.com/news/opinion/editorials/story/2011-09-12/redshirting-kindergarteners-5-year-olds/50375932/1" target="_blank">require kids to turn 5 before they enroll in kindergarten</a>, and more parents are voluntarily delaying their kids' entry into kindergarten.</em> In short, a small percentage of kids are being "redshirted." <br /><br />In my opinion, the primary reason for kids being redshirted, especially in private schools, has to do with academic competition amongst schools. By putting kids in school later, they will be more mature, better able to sit still and do the work, and more likely to perform well. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out. <br /><br />In 2009, <em>The New York Times</em> (despite its liberal tendencies) <a href="http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/10/23/should-kindergarten-start-at-age-5-or-6/" target="_blank">published an article that bolstered redshirting:</a> <br />
<blockquote><em>"A report out of Cambridge University recommend[s] that kindergarten begin at the age of 6 rather than 5 in Britain. The Cambridge Primary Review is a sweeping study, requiring 14 authors, 66 research consultants, 28 research surveys, more than 1,000 'written submissions' and 250 focus groups, all leading to the conclusion that British children are currently not allowed to be children."</em></blockquote>
If you Google "what age should a kid start kindergarten," you're going to see a lot of obfuscating and confusing information. That's because it's a political thing. The liberal mentality is that kids should be taken out of the home and provided with government education ASAP. I find that scary. That is not in the best interest of children. As the Cambridge study points out, kids simply need to be allowed to be kids. If you ask really good teachers about this, they will almost always tell you not to put your kids in school too early. The effects of starting too young begin showing up right around the third grade when kids get knocked off their feet because they're not really ready. Boys are especially unprepared because they take longer to mature neurologically and emotionally. <br /><br />I think kids should be allowed to be kids, and I believe parents should restructure their families so they're able to raise their kids. People should postpone having kids until they can do the right thing by them. It's the same principle as buying car: if you can't really afford the upkeep and monthly fees, don't go out and buy one. Don't put children in an awkward situation simply because you're not ready to handle it. It's not right. Most people have the biological ability and legal right to have kids, but that doesn't give them a moral right. People who aren't responsible shouldn't have kids. <br /><br />One of the main complaints about redshirting comes from parents who don't want to have to pay for an extra year of child care. Seriously?! They'll put their kids in school at 4 if it will cost them less? Apparently they don't care what's in the best educational interest of children. <br /><br />Of course, some kids will be ready for school earlier than others, but for the most part, we shouldn't be forcing them into school at age 4. Homeschool them, and when they start kindergarten, they'll be stars. I'm all for kids not starting kindergarten until the age of 6. Let them be kids. <br />Staff2012-09-13T07:00:00ZVideo: Should I Trust My Spouse?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Should-I-Trust-My-Spouse/438883457633158917.html2012-09-12T18:25:00Z2012-09-12T18:25:00ZAfter infidelity occurs in a marriage, how the offending spouse acts usually determines if the marriage is salvageable. Here is this week's video:<br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Qf9-KuvlyZU" height="349"></iframe>Staff2012-09-12T18:25:00ZFacing a Grave IllnessStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Facing-a-Grave-Illness/-570947912817680151.html2012-09-10T07:00:00Z2012-09-10T07:00:00ZShould doctors tell their patients when death is imminent? Would the news make a difference? <br /><br />A while ago, my dad had bad stomach pain. He called the doctor, and the doctor said, "Oh just take some antacids." He took antacids for about a week, but the pain didn't go away. The doctor went "down periscope" and discovered that my dad had a rare form of stomach cancer, and it was bad. He underwent surgery and then did chemo (which you all know how pleasant of an experience that is). While this was going on, I asked the doctor if he could explain to me what was likely to happen next based on what he found. He said he'd give him about five years. I thought, "OK, he's 61. Five years is great."<br /><br />He was dead in six weeks. <br /><br />As it seems, a huge percentage of doctors don't want to eliminate hope or upset anybody, so they exaggerate. It makes it difficult for everyone involved for a couple of reasons. First, the person who's dying may want to sort of tidy up his or her life by remedying some relationships or putting some business things in order. In addition, caregivers need to plan their lives too, especially since they put all their focus and energy into taking care of the ill person. <br /><br />In my dad's case, the cancer had metastasized to his brain and it took very little time for him to die. It was stunning. He had led such a healthy life except for several gin and tonics every night. Otherwise, he ate nauseatingly healthy food. You'd open up the refrigerator at my house and you'd say, "Is there nothing here to eat? This is all way too healthy." I did try - although it was pretty grim - to have a conversation with him about what his wishes were before he passed, but he wasn't up for talking about it. It's because of this that I think it's really important to know the truth about your loved one's quality of life - How is the disease going to progress? What are you going to need to do? What are you going to feel like? - before it's too late.<br /><br />I realize that some people want to know the truth and some don't, but that's exactly why a doctor should ask and not just soften the news. Hope is nice, but "hope for the best to prepare for the worst" is probably smarter. Of course doctors don't know when the end is going to come exactly (they're not soothsayers), but they know enough from their experience, generally speaking, to be able to say, "Don't plan past Thursday," or "Don't plan past next year." And yes, there are always exceptions every now and then (i.e. the doctor says that the person is going to die sooner than later, and it happens later), but usually they can make a good guess. <br /><br />The doctor should also ask if he or she should tell the patient's family. Getting permission to tell the family is very important because when doctors withhold information, it becomes more difficult for the family to chart the patient's course in life. And moreover, if the doctor withholds information from the family, they're going to just go look it up on the Internet. I think a human being should be the source of that information. <br /><br />Sometimes people don't want to talk about death with their physician, or certain decisions need to be made without their input. When the doctor tells it like it is, it allows family members to decide what they want to do and not do. They can decide if they want aggressive treatment that might prolong life, or choose to stop treatment, which could result in a faster but perhaps more comfortable death. These decisions are part of the new focus on health care which is allowing people to die with some dignity, and leaves families feeling at least somewhat competent in the time of crisis because they know what's being asked of them. <br /><br />In addition, families should discuss whether or not they want to know the truth if one of them gets in that position. Generally speaking, the family wants to know a little bit more than the terminally ill person. Personally, I want to know the calendar day and time. I'm big on clarity (I have already had all of these discussions with my son so he knows exactly what I do and do not want). However, a lot of people feel negatively about that because they believe it eliminates hope. But either way, my recommendation is that your family should sit down and discuss plans in case someone needs treatment. People freak out about discussing this because they don't want to even think about it, but you should (even with your more mature children in their mid-to-upper teens). Sit and calmly talk about what all the possibilities are and your wishes for each scenario (i.e. "If my brain is no longer connected to reality, I don't want to be here"). You can even leave the option open to have life prolonging treatment for when the time comes. <br /><br />Remember that everybody else stays behind and has to deal with things after you're gone, so providing clarity about what you want helps everybody deal with feelings of guilt, fear, and anxiety later. <br /><br />A woman called me a while back whose 92-year-old mother was alert and perky, but she was on perpetual dialysis. She wanted to get off it, call in hospice, and call it a day. Of course her daughter was upset. She was not only losing her mom, but her kids were also going to have to experience death. However, I told her that she had to respect her mother's wishes. I said that hospice is an incredibly moving experience and takes care of everybody in the family, not just the person leaving, and that her mom had decided she had lived a good life and didn't want to be spending her time watching her blood being recycled. She just wanted to go out peacefully, and her daughter needed to honor that. <br />Staff2012-09-10T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-240192431083535293.html2012-09-07T21:59:00Z2012-09-07T21:59:00Z<p><em>Life is like a ten-speed bike.</em><br /><em>Most of us have gears we never use.</em></p>
<p>Charles M. Schulz<br />1922 - 2000<br />American cartoonist<br />Creator of the comic strip <em>Peanuts</em></p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/riding_bike.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="300" /></p>Staff2012-09-07T21:59:00ZHow to Be HappyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Be-Happy/609372953780515591.html2012-09-06T07:00:00Z2012-09-06T07:00:00ZI think you have to be on a valium drip to be happy all the time. For the sake of full disclosure, I'll tell you that I'm certainly not happy every second of the day. However, your motive should be trying to be happy. <br /><br />Being in a good mood or having a peppy personality is not a disposition you are born with or without. You have options and choices, which I've proved many times on my radio program. I've had so many callers who were initially negative, but by the end of our discussion, they were laughing. What happened? <br /><br />Their mood changed. <br /><br />Your level of happiness is a learned skill. A lot of you come from a background where your family was warm, happy, cheerful, and supportive, so you've learned those skills. However, some of you haven't. Some of you are just too lazy to learn them, or you have been given too many perks for being mopey. For me, I grew up in a house where everybody was always annoyed. My parents didn't walk around being cheerful and pleasant. So, I didn't learn those skills. Nevertheless, I sure learned how dangerous the world could be by just watching them arguing and complaining. It was horrible.<br /><br />So, what are some of these skills?<br /><br />First, you can <strong>only have one thought at a time.</strong> I had a caller who was beaten by his dad all the time while he was growing up. He had come to associate physicality with something bad. On the air, I had him close his eyes and go right back into one of those experiences where his dad was beating him. You could hear his breathing change. But then I asked him to think about his wife sitting next to him and imagine her touching his face softly. He started tearing up. We did this back and forth three times to prove that he could put his head anywhere he wanted to. <br /><br />He learned that he needed to have only one thought in his mind at one time, and that's true for all of us. You decide what your thought is going to be. If you start thinking about all the horrible things that might happen, then they may happen. However, if you put your thoughts toward how you are going to handle something, you can immobilize your fear. <br /><br />Another essential part of being happy is to <strong>think positively.</strong> The negative stuff gets replaced when you see the outcome positively. And it's also very important for you to sometimes take your brain out of an action and allow your body to do what it knows it needs to do. For example, when you're having sex with your spouse, your body knows what it needs to do. That's why I tell people to fantasize and go wherever they want to go. Just <strong>disengage your brain.</strong> <br /><br />In order to be happy, you also <strong>need to be motivated about something. </strong> This is where being a maniac comes into play (I think the happiest people are maniacs, and I don't mean it in a psychiatric sense). You have to be a maniac on a mission. What is it you want to make happen? When you dive into something with a lot of energy, optimism, and commitment, your life will be happier. People without a purpose are not happy people. Wishy-washy people are never happy and they are not successful. You have to be able to take risks and make decisions. If you take a risk and you fail, then you take another risk. If you take a risk and it was a mistake, then you repair it and do it again. You have to have strong ambitions about something (and I'm not talking about making a lot of money - that usually doesn't work). <br /><br />You also need to have the gumption to <strong>make changes from where you are now.</strong> A lot of people like to stay in their comfort zones or in their familiar surroundings. A lack of familiarity makes them uncomfortable, and a lot of times people try to stay comfortable even if it's bad, stupid, or destructive. But just because you're familiar with something, it doesn't mean you're going to get anywhere with it. <br /><br />Lastly, <strong>you have to be tenacious.</strong> Life requires persistence. The people who are ultimately successful at being happy are the ones who can delay happiness. For example, people who shack up do it because they want the gratification of having a relationship without the work of building one. They think, "I want my gratification now. I don't want to work slowly in a respectful, modest way and take my time. I want sex now. I want to feel like I'm intimate and committed now." However, that's when everything blows up. Kids who grab the marshmallow are not the happiest - the ones who earn it are. <br /><br />If you want to be loved, you have to earn it. Jumping in bed instantly, shacking up, and being ridiculous doesn't earn love. If you want to be loved, you're going to have to take the time to build love, awe, and respect. People who are impulsive and refuse to delay gratification just can't keep plugging. That's why their relationships and their businesses don't work out because it takes years sometimes with no gratification whatsoever to build something that can sustain itself. If you look at orthodox versions of various religions, it's no surprise to see practices like couples not holding hands until after they're married. They delay physical gratification to learn about each other and become more mature. They earn their relationships, and THEN they get the cherry on top.Staff2012-09-06T07:00:00ZAre We Becoming Robots?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Are-We-Becoming-Robots/-548726286560382112.html2012-09-05T07:00:00Z2012-09-05T07:00:00ZWhen I was a kid, there was a <em>Twilight Zone</em> episode depicting a futuristic society with no jails. Instead, if people did bad things, they were put on another planet all by themselves. One of these inmates, who was very lonely, was pitied by one of his captors and was given a huge box. Inside the box was an extremely lifelike female robot. It displayed sympathy, compassion, love, fear, and other human emotions. At first, he was disgusted: "I'm not going to have sex with a machine," "I'm not going to develop a relationship with a machine," "I'm not going to let a machine touch me," etc. However, as the years passed, he managed to get over his feelings of repulsion and formed a relationship with the robot. But then, he received word that he had been pardoned and could go home. He went to go grab the robot, but the pardoner said he couldn't bring her with him. The man broke down in a screaming fit because, in his mind, she was human. He was willing to stay on the planet with her even though she wasn't real. <br /><br />I think that episode is very relevant today because that's the direction we keep moving. I read an article a while back about how Japanese scientists have been working on robots for years to be like butlers or maids and provide child care in the home. If it isn't already bad enough that we have mothers who don't mother their own children, just imagine what it will be like in the future when there are machines that will watch your kids for no pay? <br /><br />The development of the human brain deeply and profoundly requires human interaction. This is why in preemie wards at hospitals there are always people next to the babies, touching and holding them. Human beings require connectedness to develop the ability to love and show compassion, and I think we're already on the road to losing our sense of humanity. <br /><br />I read another <a href="http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/technology/2011/09/phone-breathing-kissing.html" target="_blank">shocking article discussing the development of "emotional phones,"</a> which simulate hand-holding, breathing, and kissing:<br /><br /><em>"The next generation of phones could hold your hand, breathe on your neck and maybe even kiss your cheek. In pursuit of more 'emotional' and 'sensory' phones, a designer at the Berlin University of the Arts showed off three prototypes at the TEDxBerlin conference...that can recreate those sensations.</em><br /><br /><em>One phone includes force sensors and a strap that goes around a hand that can tighten, simulating a squeeze, when a friend grips their own phone. Similarly, the breathing prototype picks up air movements on one phone and translates that into a jet of air on the other (not so good for heavy breathers).</em><br /><br /><em>The most alarming (and creepy) prototype is the kissing simulator, which involves a moisture sensor on the smoocher's phone and a motorized 'wet sponge pushing against a membrane' on the receiver's phone, according to Fabian Hemmert, the designer. The sensor can differentiate between a peck on the cheek and a full on sloppy kiss -- moving the wet sponge to simulate accordingly."</em><br /><br />Is this intimacy!? It's like masturbating to a vibrator without ever having any kind of love relationship. <br /><br />I think texting is already a step away from intimacy. The idea that a few ill-spelled words are meaningful discourse is frightening. Technology is something that is simply taking over our lives. I get scared seeing people walking around with their thumbs moving and ignoring the world around them, or texting while they're sitting with a group of people at dinner. I'm sure they're thinking, "I have to answer this! I have to contact this person immediately!," but it's not really contact at all. It's barely communication. <br /><br />We've known about the negative effects of technology on kids for years. For example, it's pretty obvious to everyone that it's not good for kids to sit around all day and watch TV. <a href="http://yourlife.usatoday.com/parenting-family/story/2011-09-12/SpongeBob-can-soak-up-kids-attention/50362638/1" target="_blank"><em>The Associated Press</em> reported</a>, "The cartoon character SpongeBob SquarePants is in hot water from a study suggesting that watching just nine minutes of that program can cause short-term attention and learning problems in 4-year-olds...Previous research has linked TV-watching with long-term attention problems in children, but the new study suggests more immediate problems can occur after very little exposure - results that parents of young kids should be alert to..."<br /><br />If you put this all together, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the more you are invested in these abrupt spurts of connectivity with the world, the less you are going to be able to relate eye-to-eye with other human beings. <br />Staff2012-09-05T07:00:00ZVideo: Keeping a 'Harmonious' Blended FamilyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Keeping-a-Harmonious-Blended-Family/283431359709560275.html2012-09-04T18:47:00Z2012-09-04T18:47:00ZStatistically, second marriages, when the spouses already have minor children, do not usually work out, but Tammy and her husband want to stay married. Here's my advice:<br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/al-Z0Pz66Ro" height="349"></iframe>Staff2012-09-04T18:47:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/948424798499703310.html2012-08-30T17:56:00Z2012-08-30T17:56:00Z<p><em>The end of labor is to gain leisure.</em></p>
<p>Aristotle<br />Greek philosopher<br />384 B.C. – 322 B.C.</p>
<p>All of us at the Dr. Laura Program wish you a leisurely Labor Day weekend!</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/empty_chairs_view.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="300" /></p>Staff2012-08-30T17:56:00ZIs Chivalry Dead?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Is-Chivalry-Dead/129367269890949226.html2012-08-30T14:00:00Z2012-08-30T14:00:00ZAre men chivalrous anymore? <br /><br />The answer is largely "no." The reason: <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/repairing-relationships/201206/should-women-expect-equality-and-romance-men" target="_blank">women's behavior.</a>
<blockquote><em>"Chivalry is a quaint word dating back to the days of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, referring to gentlemanly behavior towards women. We think of Sir Walter Raleigh gallantly spreading his cape down on a street so Queen Elizabeth of England could walk across a puddle without getting her feet caked in mud. Over the centuries it manifested itself in such common courtesy as opening the door and letting a woman enter before you, pulling the chair out so the man's date could sit down, or helping a woman take off her coat.</em><br /><br /><em>It's hard to believe now, but in the early 1960s John and Jackie Kennedy era, chivalry was a huge part of our culture, along with men wearing suits and hats to baseball games and women wearing gloves, hats and mink stoles. Then the whirlwind of women's liberation swept over the land the next three decades."</em></blockquote>
Now first off, I want to make it perfectly clear that I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with women having equal opportunities. If they have the ability, then the opportunity should not be closed to them. That goes for everything - gender, race...whatever. If you have the ability, you should not be denied the opportunity. That's basic civil rights, and I am very big on that. All I'm saying is that women shouldn't automatically have the opportunity just because they are females. For example, if a certain number of push-ups is required for a particular job, then the number of push-ups that male and female applicants have to complete should be the same. If a woman can't do what a man can do physically, then she can't be a firefighter. You can't have quotas for things just because it seems fair. We promise equal opportunity in our country, not equal outcome. I mean it's silly - should you really be allowed to get a job just because you want it?! <br /> <br />And it's this feminist attitude that has made respect and admiration between men and women take a nosedive. Women's studies programs teach women that when men act graciously, they are attempting to control them and keep them down. They encourage women to be hostile, become major ball-busters, and think they can have babies without men because kids don't need a daddy. If you listen to them, they say just about every woman is beaten, raped, and cheated out of everything (just read <em>Who Stole Feminism</em> by Christina Hoff Sommers if you think I'm nuts). And when these women dress like pigs, talk like pigs, and act like pigs, it is a little demoralizing for men to put them on a pedestal, take them out on dates, and treat them like they're special. Think about it. Chivalry has to do with respect, and we don't see women behaving with much dignity when they hook up and have multiple sexual partners.<br /> <br />Although chivalry is dead, there are still nice guys out there who would act chivalrously, but they simply don't know what the hell women want. Today's men are very frustrated and scared because they accept women's equality, but they are afraid that if they act romantically, they will come across as sexist and offensive. I don't blame them. I mean it's just the stupidest stuff that makes women angry with men. <br /><br />For example, when I was just starting to date boys, my dad was very clear with me: "If a fellow opens his car door, then go out on the date with him. If he doesn't open the car door, turn around and come back inside the house. Don't have a conversation about it, don't argue, and don't demand anything. Just say thank you very much and wave goodbye." However, if a guy tries to open a door for a woman today, she tells him, "No, I can open it myself." <br /><br />All I can say is if you're a guy and a woman behaves obnoxiously like that on a date, just let her open the door herself. In fact leave her there. Tell her she can call a cab herself too because she's equally competent to do that. If a woman acts in an ungracious way, dump her. Don't waste your time, money, and effort on her. If you go out of your way to be chivalrous, kind, and thoughtful, and she doesn't behave in a way that shows she respects, admires, and appreciates it, she's not a woman - she's just a female. <br /><br />It makes a man feel good to be protecting and taking care of a woman, and it should make a woman feel good to know that a man is being respectful and thoughtful of her. If I walk into an elevator and a man lets me walk in first, I turn around and say, "Thank you very much." Most of the time they look utterly surprised to get the compliment. <br /><br />We've lost something beautiful and it's something so essential in a love relationship. If you treat your husband like he's a man, you'll get more manly behavior. If you treat your wife like she's a woman, you will get more womanly behavior. The polarity between men and women actually means something despite what social trends say. I don't care how big of a feminist you are - we are still hardwired. <br /><br />Women should expect men to provide, protect, nurture, and love them. If they don't want to allow that, they are going to miss out on a lot.<br /><br /><br /><br />Staff2012-08-30T14:00:00ZParents Playing Financial FavoritesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Parents-Playing-Financial-Favorites/-97170651845396672.html2012-08-29T14:00:00Z2012-08-29T14:00:00Z"It's not fair!"<br /><br />A lot of siblings are treated differently by their parents, and the reason is simple: people are human. They say and do stupid things from time to time because they're not perfect little computers (even perfect little computers crash and get viruses). <br /><br />Now, I'm sure when your kids ask you, "Who do you love more?," you just look perplexed and say that you love them in different ways. You tell them, "How can I love one more," and then go through the litany of "I love your kindness" or "I like that you play soccer, but I also like that she plays basketball," etc. You try to say that love is not quantifiable and that you love them for all the unique things they each are. <br /><br />But in real life, it doesn't work out that way. Parents often either show more attention to the kid who is easier to get along with, or they end up giving more attention to the kid who's a pain in the butt because they're trying to straighten them out. That happens a lot. At birth, some little babies are cuddly and some are colicky. You're going to feel a little more relaxed and bonded to the kid who is cuddly.<br /><br />There are so many subtle things that influence parents, especially when giving money to their kids. <a href="http://healthland.time.com/2012/07/25/kids-and-money-when-is-it-o-k-to-play-financial-favorites/?iid=hl-main-lede#ixzz21eM526bI" target="_blank">Financial favoritism causes a lot of family discord.</a> And if there are secrets involved, things can explode. <br /><br />There have been so many times I've had a competent, confident, healthy individual call into the show who is doing well in life but is really upset because time, effort, and money are being given to their loser sibling. And I've had to explain time and again the sad reality: "You? They're just grateful you're doing fine. They don't have to worry about you. They're worried about the other one, and that's why they keep throwing fuel into the fire - to try and get the other one straightened out so they can be like you." It's really difficult to work hard your whole life to achieve a good lifestyle to find out that your irresponsible sibling is getting supported all the way along. It seems unfair. Your parents are constantly throwing good money at the bad kid, trying to fix his or her ways, and <em>their handouts only create dependency.</em> Why shouldn't the ne'er-do-well have to go out and make it work on his or her own? <br /><br />You've heard me so many times (I hope) on the program saying to parents, "Let them go. What's going to happen? They'll have to figure it out." And then they respond back, "But they'll hit bottom! They'll be miserable! They might live on the street! They might live in their car! They might live with their friends! They might shack up! They might..." <br /><br />But do you know what? They will work it out. They'll figure it out if you're out of the equation.<br /><br />Now, of course, parents can do whatever they darn well want to do with their money -they can give it away, they can spend it...whatever. But you parents ought to remember that <em>when you show favoritism after death with money, you're going to leave behind you a big problem in the family.</em> The kidlets are not going to get along. They're going to be angry with each other. So it's good, before death, to sit down with your kids and clarify what your intentions are and why. You need to talk it out because if there's a sibling who is reasonably irresponsible, the good kids are really going to be ticked off that they have to share equally with somebody who they feel hasn't earned that position.<br /><br /><em>It's natural to want to fix things for your kids.</em> Nevertheless, you should <em>carefully consider how your decisions will impact the relationship you have with each different child and the relationships they have with each other.</em> It can really put a bomb in the family.<br /><br />My advice is this: die poor. Do it like the pharaohs and bury it all with you. That way nobody can fight over it because it's all six feet under with you. <br /><br />...But even then somebody will dig it up. You know that, right?<br /><br /><br />Staff2012-08-29T14:00:00ZVideo: Taken For GrantedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Taken-For-Granted/-901750250351985261.html2012-08-28T16:09:00Z2012-08-28T16:09:00ZDo you know someone who "cares so much" they give and give and give to their relationship, but get nothing in return? Well, this person is looking for love in all the wrong places. Watch:<br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/GdhH4QvbTzU" height="349"></iframe>Staff2012-08-28T16:09:00ZEveryone Can Relate to Feeling ShyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Everyone-Can-Relate-to-Feeling-Shy/779881989367490936.html2012-08-27T07:00:00Z2012-08-27T07:00:00Z<p>It doesn't matter if you're an introverted type or an extroverted type, everyone can relate to feeling shy because nobody wants to feel poorly judged or rejected. We all want to be accepted. We tend to think only introverts are shy, but that's not true. Shyness has more than just to do with being uncomfortable around other people - it largely comes from being worried about rejection.</p>
<p>Shyness is all about the self: self-consciousness, self-evaluation, self-preoccupation...self, self, self. </p>
<ul>
<li><strong><em>You are overly aware of yourself.</em></strong></li>
<li><strong><em>You tend to see yourself negatively.</em></strong></li>
<li><strong><em>You tend to pay too much attention to all the things you might be doing wrong when there are other people around.</em></strong></li>
</ul>
<p>Everyone can relate to this, and it's actually kind of normal. However, the problem is when people take it to the nth degree. Their hypersensitivity causes a lot of anxiety - e.g. they become preoccupied with someone raising an eyebrow because they assume it must mean something about them. And if you've decided you're shy, then you will often play that role. <em>You psychologically feel inclined to live up to those expectations</em>. </p>
<p>The first thing you need to consider in getting over your shyness is <strong>what situations trigger your feelings</strong>: Are they work situations? Social situations? Do they involve all males? All females? People you don't know? Some people you know but have a hard time getting along with? It's really important to sit there and think, "Is this situational in some way? <em>What is triggering this feeling?</em>" </p>
<p>In addition, you basically need to understand that <strong>the world is not paying that much attention to you</strong>. Sorry. <em>Most people are too busy looking at themselves</em>. If you've got a whole room full of shy people, nobody really cares about anybody else because they're only concerned with how they're being registered.</p>
<p>Here's another tip: <strong>stop trying to be perfect</strong>. A woman called into my show the other day who was SERIOUS about trying to be perfect. I just laughed and said, "Well I can't help you with that because I don't understand perfect. I never got to be there. I don't think there is such a place." If you're completely arrogant, you can think you're perfect, but nobody is actually perfect. And even if you could be perfect, a lot of people would hate you for being perfect, and therefore, you still wouldn't be liked by everybody. You have to accept that some people are just not going to judge you positively or want to have anything to do with you. </p>
<p>At some point, you have to <strong>accept rejection and not take it personally</strong>. That's why in my book, <em>10 Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess Up Their Relationships</em>, I say that if you get rejected by another person, then it's "not a match," not that the "other person is horrible." </p>
<p>If you're shy, there are some simple things you can do when you start feeling uncomfortable: </p>
<p>First of all, it's helpful to recognize that you're good at something and that you have something to offer. But do you know what's the number one thing you can offer? <br />An interest in somebody else. </p>
<p>When you're in a social situation and you're spending all of your time thinking about how bad you look, how bad you are, how nobody's going to like you, how you sound stupid, how you have nothing intelligent to say, etc., you're not paying any attention to anyone else. That's why they're not interested in you. People are the most interested in people who are interested in them. It's as simple as that. </p>
<p>So, the best technique for breaking the ice and feeling more comfortable in a social situation is showing interest in someone else. Ask questions about their life, their family, their hobbies, and their work. Shyness is merely an unbelievably excessive focus on the self, and therefore, it can be overcome by showing interest in somebody else.</p>
<p>The next time the anxiety sets in, just breathe. Take some slow, deep breaths, close your eyes (unless you're driving), and concentrate only on breathing and feeling the air going in and out. Then, look around the room and think, "Wow. Look how fortunate I am to have this opportunity to perhaps meet some people who will be wonderful in my life and me in theirs." </p>Staff2012-08-27T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/208972512670490061.html2012-08-23T23:05:00Z2012-08-23T23:05:00Z<p><em>Education’s purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one.</em></p>
<p>Malcolm S. Forbes<br />1919-1990<br />Publisher of <em>Forbes Magazine</em></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/education_brain.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="300" /></p>Staff2012-08-23T23:05:00ZWhen to Give an UltimatumStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-to-Give-an-Ultimatum/533790317891224371.html2012-08-23T14:00:00Z2012-08-23T14:00:00Z<a href="http://elyntromey.com/therapyblog/?p=416" target="_blank">The number one rule</a> about giving an ultimatum is to mean it. <br /><br />A lot of people give ultimatums, but in their heads, they're not sobered and settled. They're trapped, for example, in the belief that they can't do any better and that spending life alone would be worse than staying with a person who hurts them. When you say, "If you don't stop drinking, I'm out of here!," you're really saying, "Please change so I don't have to think about leaving. I can't actually live alone." That's why I tell people they shouldn't give an ultimatum until they actually have their bags packed and a game plan.<br /><br />The reason most ultimatums don't work is that the person making it is not ready to follow through. They hope and hope and hope the threat itself will be enough to make some magical change happen, but more often than not, it doesn't turn out that way. You have to remember an ultimatum is <strong><em>final</em></strong>. <em>It's a demand that if not met, will result in a direct action. </em>Basically speaking,<em> the direct action is leaving.</em> If you are telling your partner for the first time that his or her behavior is unsettling, that's <em>not</em> an ultimatum. An ultimatum is a final shot across the bow. It's a last resort after you've tried everything else. <br /><br />The time to issue an ultimatum is when you have <strong><em>the courage and means to follow through on it</em></strong>, and not until then. If you don't, stop whining and complaining, and just make the best of life. Seriously, I mean it. You can only give a truthful ultimatum if you're indeed ready to leave. <br /><br />One of the dumber ultimatums I hear people make is, "If you don't marry me, I'm leaving." It's just ridiculous. Who wants to get married to someone they have to threaten into marrying? <br /><br />The best thing you can do is <strong>avoid getting to the point where you have to issue an ultimatum in the first place.</strong> It's much better to be up front in the beginning of a relationship and explain what's acceptable and what's not. Very few people do this because they don't want to lose their boyfriend or girlfriend. They play games in their heads and figure everything will work out. However, if you don't like someone's behavior, you need to state your boundaries early on. If you really don't want to marry a smoker and you're dating a smoker, you have to tell them you have no intention of marrying a smoker. That's stating a boundary ("I have no intention of __"), <em>not giving an ultimatum.</em> <br /><br />So <strong>be sure to state your boundaries</strong> -- "I have no intention of shacking up"; "I have no intention of having sex out of wedlock"; "I have no intention of using drugs or being with somebody who is abusing drugs." <br /><br />Finally, <strong>giving an ultimatum to a controller is just silly.</strong> They're not going to give up control. There was a woman who recently called my show about her husband being a Scrooge. He made five to 10 times more than she did, but expected her to hand over all of her paycheck and split the grocery bills with him. I did not tell her to give him an ultimatum (she had already done that over and over again without success). I told her to inform him that he's the man and by definition of a man, he is supposed to provide and protect. I said she was not to hand over her paycheck anymore, and direct deposit the money into an account he didn't know about. He needed to face the reality that there would be no water, no lights, no heat, and no house unless he took care of things. An ultimatum wouldn't work on him because there was just something wrong with him. I told her if he didn't respond appropriately, she'd have to be ready to move home to Mother. <br /><br />If you want to avoid these messes entirely, just <strong>talk about things before you get married:</strong> "How many kids will we have?"; "How will we deal with our prospective families?"; "What do we think about religion or sex?" About six months of premarital counseling should go into any marriage. I would say that a good 30 percent of people who go into premarital counseling don't get married, and I think that's fabulous. That's a lot fewer divorces tearing up kids' lives. It's not necessarily that anybody is bad - they just find they're not a good match after actually discussing the issues of marriage. <br /><br />So remember: an ultimatum is a final declaration. Don't issue one when you don't have the courage and the means to follow through on it because you'll only be looked at as even less than you already are. You'll also think less of yourself. It's hard to impress yourself when you see yourself not having any guts. <br /><br /><br />
<p> </p>Staff2012-08-23T14:00:00ZStop Being a Worried MotherStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Stop-Being-a-Worried-Mother/979424862633911936.html2012-08-22T14:00:00Z2012-08-22T14:00:00ZA woman's life changes incredibly when she becomes a mother. She grows a life inside of her for nine months, brings it out into the world, and suckles it at her breast. Quite frankly, it's amazing an experience. <br /><br />But with having a baby comes a whole change in how you perceive yourself. Before I was pregnant, if I wanted to do something crazy, I could do something crazy. But when you're completely responsible for another little person's life, you can't do crazy stuff anymore. It's nothing to pout about (although some people do) - it's just a change. So, while my son was growing up, I had a motorcycle purse, motorcycle boots, and some motorcycle T-shirts, but I didn't have a motorcycle. But when he was grown up, out of the house, and in the military, I decided to get down and get a bike! <br /> <br />One of the big challenges facing new mothers is a tendency to worry. Moms worry a lot, and I definitely did my fair share of it. I get calls every now and then from somebody who has a relatively newborn infant and has dreams or nightmares of their child dying. They feel anxiety about their responsibility, and worry about being able to fulfill it. It's scary. <br /><br />However, usually by the third time somebody has a kid, they don't have those anxiety dreams anymore and sort of just know how to handle it. <br /><br />But if you <em>are</em> one of those worrying-mother types, I have <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/dont-worry-mom/201206/mothers-anxiety" target="_blank">some tips to help you stop worrying so much: </a><br /><br />First of all, <strong>worrying about somebody or something is not a sign of caring.</strong> Your worrying only becomes a burden on everyone around you, especially your kid, who has to try to make you feel better. It can be very stultifying. Instead, show that you care by <em>doing special things, saying special things, and spending special time with your child.</em> That's how you show you care - don't just worry. <br /><br />Next, <strong>realize that worrying has no power to stop bad things.</strong> Worrying doesn't create bad things, and it doesn't prevent bad things from happening - it has no power over bad things. Generally speaking, if whatever you're worried about indeed happens, it probably won't be as bad as you thought it would be. Just think back to other times you've worried about something. Didn't things turn out all right? Wasn't it not as bad as you thought, or it didn't even happen at all? <br /><br />In addition, <strong>you have to accept that some things are simply out of your control. </strong>There's a lot in the universe you have no power over. It's annoying, but it's true. You have to accept that to a certain extent, it's just part of the game. If you did all you could within your power to make something happen and it didn't, all you can do is say you did your best. <br /><br />When you start worrying, <strong>you really have to distract yourself.</strong> You need to <em>rely on the support system of your girlfriends, exercise, or do a hobby.</em> You need to put your nervous energy into something productive because there's nothing productive about worrying (because as I said, you have no power). Moms who spend their time worrying end up contributing 120 percent of themselves to mothering and put nothing in to taking care of themselves. It's like putting your brain into a tiny little box - of course it's going to stress and strain to get out. <br /><br />One of the things I discovered when I was under a lot of stress was that if I would just take a walk with my dogs (no cell phone, no iPod...nothing), I would feel a whole lot better. <em>Exercise is a natural stress reducer. </em> It doesn't have to be vigorous - it could just be going on a walk in the sunshine or strolling through the snow. <br /><br />If you don't engage in your self-care, you can't do whatever it is you're supposed to be doing. If the tool (you) is broken, it can't get the job done right. If you're fit to be tied, you're not going to be a very nice person.<br /><br />Last but not least, <strong>accept that worrying is part of reality.</strong> Remember not everything is going to go the way you thought it would or should. Kids make mistakes, stuff happens, and there are some things in life that you simply have to accept. Of course there's always going to be a little bit of shoulder shrugging, but don't drive yourself up the wall.
<p> </p>Staff2012-08-22T14:00:00ZVideo: Should His Girlfriend Be in the Funeral?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Should-His-Girlfriend-Be-in-the-Funeral/473771581774552547.html2012-08-21T19:25:00Z2012-08-21T19:25:00ZTragedy has hit this family hard and in the process of planning the funeral, they are unsure if they should include the girlfriend of their loved one. I've got something for them to consider…<br /><br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/nC_wfCxZM6c" height="349"></iframe>Staff2012-08-21T19:25:00ZHow to Be More ProductiveStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Be-More-Productive/-166780724438258122.html2012-08-20T14:54:00Z2012-08-20T14:54:00Z<p>There's an old saying that the devil wants us to believe we have all the time in the universe because that's the way we get recruited to do nothing or bad things. If you think you are going to live forever, you tend not to value the moment and end up wasting a lot of time. </p>
<p>I'm not saying you should be a compulsive maniac - I'm talking about productivity in your life. And I'm not just talking about work productivity. It could be at home, school...anywhere.</p>
<p>So, how can you use your time well? I'll start by telling you what I used to do in college. I was a serious maniac because I was very serious about my education. Every night before I went to sleep, I would plan out my whole day on a three-by-five card starting with what time I woke up:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"> 7 a.m.: Wake up<br /> 7 - 7:15 a.m.: Shower, get dressed, go to breakfast<br /> 7:15 - 7:35 a.m.: Breakfast</p>
<p>And so on.</p>
<p>I literally had every five minutes of the day planned out - when to have lunch, when to review my notes...everything. At the end of the day, everything that I had to get done got done. </p>
<p>You can use this technique in your home too. Focus on what has to be done. Usually the biggest percentage of what you do doesn't actually have to be done. There's a lot of excess busyness debris in your lives. Don't confuse things that can be done with what <em>needs</em> to be done. What's important at the end of the day is that you feel satisfied and impressed that you did what you were responsible for. If you end the day that way, you are going to be more productive the next day, and you're going to feel happier, nicer, and better. </p>
<p>You don't have to be as maniacal as I was in college, planning out every 15 minutes of the day. I'm not even that way anymore. However, I still put a schedule in my head. I know what I'm going to accomplish in the morning, and when I accomplish that, I'm going to see what I feel like doing in the amount of time I have before I go on the air. In the afternoons, I have scheduled times to play tennis with friends, take a pool lesson, practice archery, or do whatever. I just try not to do be doing more work after I get off the air because I get up at 5 a.m. Of course, there are times when there is more work to do and that's OK. I just don't get crazy if it doesn't get done.</p>
<p>The good side to being disciplined (and by the way, discipline is about choices, not genetics) is that you get a lot of things done. The bad side is that sometimes you push yourself too hard, and then you don't realize that your brain just exploded. When it feels like my brain exploded, I realize I'm putting too much in a day and need to yank the pace back. I'll just take the dogs out for a walk and experience the breeze, flowers, and sun. </p>
<p>I have a <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201206/how-be-ultra-productive-10-tips-mastering-your-time-now" target="_blank">few ideas</a> to help you be more productive:</p>
<p>First of all, you have to <strong>assess your priorities</strong>. A lot of you spend way too much time doing what somebody else wants you to do and not something you are obligated to do. There are friends and relatives who you let impose on you because you don't want to seem mean. You don't want them to judge you negatively, and you don't want to be disliked. However you have to get over that guilt because it's childish. If someone - even if they're your parent or best friend - nags you, wants to usurp your time, energy, and attention, doesn't reciprocate, or fails to respect any kind of boundaries, then who cares if they don't like you.</p>
<p>You've really got to be more of a gladiator when protecting your time because it is finite. It is not forever recreating itself. Get over the guilt of "I really want to be doing something else, but they're going to be mad." Nobody has died from being annoyed. Stand up to people who vampirously suck you dry. </p>
<p>Next, figure out what activities fall under <em><strong>"obligatory time" </strong></em>and <em><strong>"discretionary time."</strong></em> There are times when you have committed to others to be at a certain place at a certain time. That's obligatory time. Your discretionary time is the time you can manage. You create your next moment. <em>Make a list of all of the things you think you should be doing tomorrow and put an A, B or C next to each item. A = must do, B = should do, C = could do</em>. Do the A's first, and then try to slip in the B's. The C's may just go by the wayside, and in the process, you might discover that they make no difference in your life. </p>
<p>In your mind or on a piece of paper, check off what you've done and note what you haven't finished. Juggle the unfinished things into the next day's schedule and reprioritize. Don't kill yourself trying to do too many things perfectly - you are just going to burn out. </p>
<p>Finally, <strong>don't confuse being busy with being productive</strong>. It's not enough to be busy. Ants are busy. The question is, what are you busy about? You've got to be ferociously selective. There are certain things I will not do, especially at this stage in my life and career. I wish to use my time differently. I'm 65 and I'm using my time as well as I can. Unfortunately, when you're 25, you think you have infinite time, and you tend to waste a lot of it. That's why the joke is, we should be born knowing everything and just get younger. We would use our time better that way. </p>
<p>Basically, you are totally in control, whether you think so or not. It's all about time management, making decisions, and making choices. You have to govern the clock, not be governed by it.</p>
<p>Here are some <a href="http://ridiculouslyefficient.com/2011/12/14/stats-on-wasting-time-at-work-infographic/#.UBgCHKCROso" target="_blank">great stats </a>about how poorly we mismanage our time.</p>
<p> </p>Staff2012-08-20T14:54:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/934173153523642418.html2012-08-17T06:59:00Z2012-08-17T06:59:00Z<p style="text-align: left;"><em>I wanted to change the world. But I have found that the only thing one can be sure of changing is oneself.</em></p>
<p>Aldous Huxley<br />English writer<br />1894-1963</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/butterfly_metamorphosis.jpg" alt="" width="425" height="282" /></p>Staff2012-08-17T06:59:00ZMy Blunt, No-Nonsense AnswersStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/My-Blunt,-No-Nonsense-Answers/-244356989335816372.html2012-08-16T14:00:00Z2012-08-16T14:00:00ZDr. Rodger Dean Duncan is widely known in the business world as an expert in the strategic management of change. To name only a few, his client list includes American Airlines, IBM, eBay, Federal Reserve Bank and presidential cabinet officers in two White House administrations. Dr. Duncan recently asked me to comment on personal responsibility, ethics, values, and moralities of today. You can read my interview at his website: <a href="http://doctorduncan.com/2012/08/14/interview-dr-laura-schlessinger/" target="_blank">DoctorDuncan.com</a><br /><br /><br />Staff2012-08-16T14:00:00ZWhy Women Stay in Bad RelationshipsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Women-Stay-in-Bad-Relationships/-505570650772297310.html2012-08-15T14:00:00Z2012-08-15T14:00:00ZWhy would any reasonable woman stay in a bad relationship? <br /><br />Well, reasonable may or may not have anything to do with it. I'm going to break down <a href="http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/138410/why_good_women_stay_in" target="_blank">some of the reasons people stay in relationships they should really be leaving</a>: <br /><br /><em><strong>Fear of being alone.</strong></em> Although it's extremely nice to have a companion and a love in life, it is not a good experience trying to squeeze square pegs into round holes. If you're with a guy out of fear of being alone, then it's not even the guy you want - it's the avoidance of not having a guy. If you just want to avoid not having a guy, you'll take just about any guy who'll line up. It doesn't bring peace. (It's also curious to me why women think a man can stand their company when they can't, but that's a whole other issue). <br /><br />For some women it's <strong><em>the devil you know vs. the devil you don't</em></strong>. <em>There's something comfortable about staying - even in a bad relationship - because at least you know what you're getting. </em><br /><br />Others make the excuse that <strong><em>"it's not that bad."</em></strong> I remember one woman who called in about her second husband being physically violent. She said she knew how to deal with violent guys, and this one was less violent so it was "not that bad." <br /><br />"Not that bad?!" It blew my mind to hear that. It doesn't matter what comes before the word "bad," it's still bad. That's called denial. <br /><br />Some people just can't stand the notion of <strong><em>having failed</em></strong>, especially if they have lost a marriage or a relationship in the past. They just don't want to acknowledge that this is a failure. Well the way I look at it, the failure is not in leaving when the relationship doesn't work - the failure is <em>not leaving</em>. The purpose of dating is to discern whether or not the other person's a good match. Once you discern that they're not a good match, hit the eject button. <br /><br />Sometimes the guy has <strong><em>some kind of leverage over you</em></strong>. You've done something really dumb, like shacked up with him or put down half the money for a house or condo that you're not going to get back. Or maybe he's made you a kept woman and you don't know how you're going to survive on your own. <br /><br /><em><strong>You believe he'll change</strong></em><strong>.</strong> After all, he said he would. <em>He says he's trying, and really it's you that's making him so mad. If you only stopped making him so mad or crazy or annoyed, he'd stop doing whatever it is that bothers you.</em> <br /><br /><strong><em>He makes you feel special. </em></strong> <em>Even though you're not quite good enough (in his mind), he'll manipulate you to feel grateful that he's with someone like you.</em> He says things like, "You'll never find anybody to care about you as much as I do." That's laughable. If somebody says that to you when you know you're in a bad relationship, just say to them, "Well thank God nobody else is going to treat me like you do." <br /><br />Some women become so absorbed with the other person and isolated from their friends and family that <em><strong>they don't get feedback from anybody else.</strong></em> They deny that anything's wrong and try to hide what's going on. <br /><br />Lastly, women sometimes won't let go of a relationship because of <strong>the time and energy they've invested.</strong> However, it's just the opposite. The longer you stay in a bad relationship, the more time and energy you're going to spend. <br /><br />If you're in a bad relationship, don't just think that working harder is the solution. If you keep having the same problems, arguments, hurt feelings, and resentments, and nothing gets resolved, end it. If you've been to couples counseling and you can't reach a place of understanding, move on. Realize you've made a mistake and you're not compatible. Don't go from therapist to therapist until you get someone to agree with you. <br /><br />Remember that life is finite. I think that's one of the most important things people forget. You only have so many days to be alive. How do you want to spend them? Do you really not want to face your fears and stay with what you have? <br />Staff2012-08-15T14:00:00ZVideo: My Wife Favors Her Family Over MineStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-My-Wife-Favors-Her-Family-Over-Mine/545999340938893492.html2012-08-14T15:33:00Z2012-08-14T15:33:00ZA while ago, Brad's mom wanted to start having family get-togethers at Brad's house, but his wife didn't think anyone would come. Now her family wants to do the same thing and she's all for it. Well, there might be a very good reason...<br /><br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/XXv4gnnmNyw" height="349"></iframe>Staff2012-08-14T15:33:00ZWhy Baby Drop Boxes Are NeededStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Baby-Drop-Boxes-Are-Needed/600901763072708348.html2012-08-13T14:00:00Z2012-08-13T14:00:00ZIn the United States, we have "safe-haven" laws in all 50 states, which allow children to be left anonymously in designated places (hospitals, fire departments, etc.). Taking a similar initiative, European countries are providing more and more baby "drop boxes" for parents to drop off unwanted babies. They have recently become a big deal in the news because the United Nations (which in my opinion is totally useless) has had the nerve to criticize them. <br /><br />According to an <a href="http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/06/13/u-n-criticizes-europes-drop-boxes-for-unwanted-babies/" target="_blank">article in </a><em><a href="http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/06/13/u-n-criticizes-europes-drop-boxes-for-unwanted-babies/" target="_blank">Time</a>, "At a children's charity in Hamburg, Germany, there's a steel door to a hatch where unwanted babies can be left anonymously. Once closed, it cannot be opened again from the outside. Established [12 years ago], this is the first of Germany's now 80-plus baby boxes or baby hatches."</em> These are what the U.N. is criticizing. The U.N. Committee on the Rights of the Child issued a statement saying that the boxes are <em>"contravening the right of the child to be known and cared for by his or her parents."</em><br /><br />Well no kidding! That's the whole point - there aren't two parents wanting to take care of the kid. Duh! <br /><br />And guess what? <em>Roughly 30 to 40 babies (that they know about) die each year in Germany because they've been abandoned, and about that same number have been left in the hatches since their inception. </em> <br /><br />It's an alternative to just letting them die. Are we really that worried about violating a child's right to a name, nationality, and parents? <br /><br />We've had so many scandals here in the United States regarding this issue. Remember the teenybopper who went to a dance, gave birth, flushed the baby down the toilet, and then went out to finish the dance? <a href="http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1593477/posts" target="_blank">A report by the Department of Health and Human Services</a> showed that <em>out of 4 million births in 1998, 108 infants were abandoned. Between December of 2000 and March of 2001, seven babies were found dead in New York City - one thrown out a window in Washington Heights, another dumped in a sewer in Queens, and a third left in a vacant Bronx lot. </em><br /><br />So, in my opinion, arguing about whether or not this is a good idea is sort of silly. We're dealing with people who are not going to take care of their kids anyway, so what are the options? A lot of young women want the anonymity and a lot of babies are saved. <br /> <br />Some of you may take the side of the U.N. and argue back at me that the child has a right to be known by his or her parents because of medical issues that could arise. To that, I just say don't even bother. In this day and age with the technology we have, the scans we can do, and the blood and genetic tests we can conduct, we don't need family history to know what your problems are likely to be if you don't take good care of yourself. A lot of people have genes for a disease, like breast cancer, but they never get it. Some people don't have the genes for breast cancer and get breast cancer. There's no guarantee either which way. It's a specious argument. <br /><br />Some people might ask, "Hey, but what about the dads?" Well, if the dad has a feeling he's knocked up somebody and he really wants his child, he can either talk to the woman who's carrying it, or he can go to the authorities to register his DNA. Some adoption agencies deal with the <a href="http://www.saveabandonedbabies.org/resources/FAQ/index.html" target="_blank">DNA matchup of the putative father</a>. But I don't even know the number of fathers in these situations who want their kid. <br /><br />One of the fellows who organizes safe-haven adoptions says that each year, <em>his crisis line gets about 2,000 calls. Most - 70 percent - decide to keep the baby and raise it with the help of their family. However, 20 percent decide to place the baby in adoption, and 10 percent decide to leave the baby in a safe haven anonymously. </em> That's one out of 10 kids that gets adopted out with anonymity through a licensed adoption agency. They are placed with mommies and daddies who want them. I say that if the law saves kids, it's worth it. <br /><br />It would be nice if only responsible, sane, married moms and dads were the ones having babies, but that's not the case. I am all for anything which does not result in a baby getting killed for no good reason other than "oops!" That's why I think the U.N. is being stupid.Staff2012-08-13T14:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/577174723517929796.html2012-08-10T14:27:00Z2012-08-10T14:27:00Z<p><em>Never measure the height of a mountain until you have reached the top. Then you will see how low it was.</em></p>
<p>Dag Hammarskjold<br />Swedish diplomat, economist author<br />1905-1961</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/climbing_mountains.jpg" alt="" width="283" height="424" /></p>Staff2012-08-10T14:27:00ZWhen Kids See Smut OnlineStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-Kids-See-Smut-Online/-204103636356105426.html2012-08-09T14:00:00Z2012-08-09T14:00:00ZShould parents be concerned about Internet porn?<br /><br />Yes! <br /><br />The thing parents should be worried about most is the victimization of their children. Whether it's being preyed upon by a pedophile or experiencing crass sex totally disconnected from intimacy, it's all victimization. <br /> <br />Today's kids live in a culture where hard-core pornography is everywhere. Kids have an arsenal of portable devices these days which enable them to go online just about anywhere. Even if you monitor them closely at home by getting them to use child-friendly search engines and setting up OpenDNS or other parental controls, you still might not be able to stop them from looking at porn. They could see it at a friend's house, on a cell phone, or someplace where there's public access to the Internet - like the library or at school. <br /><br />As far as I'm concerned, the windows in front of Victoria's Secret stores depict soft-core pornography. The same goes for Abercrombie and Fitch. When parents walk by these stores in the mall with their kids or get their catalogues in the mail, they are exposing their kids to porn. <br /><br />A lot of people call in to my radio show wanting to know if they should wait until their kid asks about sex to talk about it. I just tell them that at that point, it's already way too late. You should talk to kids about sex beginning at a very, very early age because they already have a high chance of seeing porn when their age is still in the single digits. <br /><br />You can say we all have different morals and philosophies about this topic, but mine is very child-centered and focused on kids having quality lives with quality relationships. I think the ultimate goal for developing a child's sexuality is making them see why connecting both sexually and spiritually is important. You need to make them see that sex is a special act, and it symbolizes deep love and commitment between a husband and wife. There are things that are sacred and sublime, and there are things that aren't. To take something sacred and put it in a meaningless context diminishes humanity, and affects not only the child's sexuality, but his or her values, such as how women should be treated. <br /><br />By helping your kids see the big picture about how sex is sacred and how it is being abused largely in our culture, you will be better prepared to confront the problem of pornography when it occurs in your children's lives. <br /><br />If you find out your child has looked at pornography, don't get hysterical. I think children are always victims of a form of sexual abuse whenever they are confronted with sexually provocative materials. Gently find out if someone introduced it to them. It's really important to understand the context in which they got a hold of it. It could have just been a pop-up, or their web search request came back with a porn site (e.g. they typed the word "fox" with two "x's" by accident). <br /><br />And in the worst case scenario, your child could be looking at porn because it has been <a href="http://www.mcall.com/features/family/all-5957594sep16,0,171229.story" target="_blank">sent by someone who preys on kids.</a> <em>"Pedophiles can use access to porn to establish a bond with a child. The bond can lower a child's resistance to meeting in person, and viewing porn may lower his or her resistance to being persuaded to perform sexual acts. Showing a child pornography also is a good way to prevent detection because the child knows at some level he or she is doing something his parents wouldn't sanction and is unlikely to tell them."</em><br /><br />Lastly, if your kid was just curious and looked at porn, don't punish them. Yelling, "We're taking the computer away and we're not going to feed you for four days," is not helpful. Instead, I think you should use the incident as an opportunity to teach your child that not everything and everyone on the Internet is harmless. It's a good time to talk to them about sexuality, how it can be exploited, and your values about sex, marriage, men, women, and relationships. In your own home, it's always a good idea to put the computer in a place where it is visible to the adults and limit the amount of time your child spends there. You initiate the Internet session, log them on and off, and use blocking software and tracking services. Basically, you set the rules. If a child breaks the rules, then they get punished, but don't punish them simply because they were curious and looked at porn. If they are going to get a punishment, it should be because they disobeyed the rules. Above all, you don't want them to feel uncomfortable talking to you about something as incredibly important as their sexuality. <br /><br />Your kids are being seduced all the time, and you have to keep that in mind. I constantly see commercials that make my drop jaw. It used to be that people would get hysterical over a kid getting his hands on a <em>Playboy</em>, but it's not even close to that way anymore. Our kids have lost their innocence and their sensitivity about viewing certain things that should be special. It's time to redirect and educate them.<br /><br />Here are <a href="http://www.sync-blog.com/sync/2010/06/internet-porn-stats-should-parents-be-concerned.html" target="_blank">some alarming statistics</a> about how Internet pornography is affecting our kids: <br /><br /><br />Staff2012-08-09T14:00:00ZImprove Your Relationship - Argue!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Improve-Your-Relationship---Argue!/-846867908117632998.html2012-08-08T14:00:00Z2012-08-08T14:00:00ZDid you know that arguing can actually <em>help</em> your relationship?<br /><br />The best way to elucidate this point is to talk about an argument I had with a friend of mine. While we were having dinner one night, the conversation shifted to the topic of art. My friend started telling me a story about a South African artist who had gotten a huge ball of plasticine (a type of plastic material) and rolled it through the streets of a number of poverty-ridden cities in South Africa to make a statement about violence and poverty. The ball was then displayed in a museum for people to come and say "ooo" and "aww." Well I just thought this was too funny and laughed. <br /><br />However, he didn't intend for his story to be funny. <br /><br />My friend, who I have known for five or six years and who has always been the most mellow human being on the face of the Earth, got pretty passionate (what I didn't know at the time was when he was younger, he worked in that museum and it was his responsibility to dust off the ball each night). And this only made me laugh harder. I mean he was exhibiting such intense emotional reverence for a big plastic ball that picked up trash!<br /><br />But then I saw he wasn't just being passionate. He was clearly upset. I just looked at him and said, "OK, let me understand this. The guy took a huge ball of goopy plastic, rolled it through streets to pick up garbage, and it ended up in a museum?!" This just seemed like the plot of "The Emperor's New Clothes" to me. There was nothing he planned, this was not creative, and whatever got stuck stayed. How the hell could anybody call that art? <br /><br />Well he did, and the situation didn't get any better. He then mentioned another very famous German artist who just painted a canvas black, but it was considered a great piece because of the way the brushstrokes reflected light. At this point, I lost it all together. I was the laughing version of inconsolable. I couldn't stop laughing. I have to tell you, if it looks like I can do it, it's not art (I don't think Pollock throwing paint on a canvas is art either). For me, an entity is attractive or it's not. I don't care who made it, what their political history was, if they were rich or poor, or if they had emotional, mental, or physical problems. My friend, on the other hand, thinks a piece of art has no intrinsic value unto itself. For him, art is tied to history, biography, era, and circumstance - something has artistic value because of the surrounding context. I could not agree less. I don't think that's art, I think that's a personal statement. I think art is supposed to be attractive, passionate, and powerful without all that surrounding stuff. For example, as I pointed out to my friend, if you suddenly found out that the big plastic ball of garbage was created by Donald Trump, it would no longer be meaningful. <br /><br />However, through this argument, we came to a deeper understanding about each other. I called him up the next day, apologized, and told him I now had a better understanding and appreciation about something that was so emotionally personal to him. I just said we probably wouldn't go art shopping together, and we shared a good laugh. <br /><br />Arguments, especially between you and someone you care about, should be constructive and bring about a deeper understanding. Here are <a href="http://ladouceurmft.com/articles/ArguingCanHelp.shtml" target="_blank">a few general tips for arguing in your marriage</a>: <br /><br /><em><strong>Only argue about one thing at a time.</strong></em> Don't start bringing up history or other subjects, and <em>don't wait until you have a long list of disappointments to air</em>. <em>Talk about things as they happen</em> and you'll avoid feeling ferocious from holding in your frustration. <br /><br /><em><strong>Argue very gently.</strong> Don't criticize, name-call, or blame. Arguing is not about abuse - it's about stating your needs clearly and respectfully.</em> Try as hard as you can to figure out what the other person is talking about and what they want without being defensive. If you're getting defensive, just tell them you're getting a little hot under the collar and to give you 30 minutes to go for walk, take a shower, or make a cup of tea. Say you'll finish the discussion later. And during the break, don't rehearse what you're going to argue about. Just calm yourself down. <br /> <br /><strong><em>Listen to each other.</em></strong> People have different personalities, tastes, histories (family, emotional, and psychological), needs, goals, and dreams. There's only one reason couples grow apart: they haven't reached out to each other, expressed what's on their minds, or taken what the other person has expressed and done anything constructive with it. People do not naturally grow apart - it's totally voluntary. If you're having a discrepancy with your husband or wife about decorating your house, for example, you need to communicate. Ask each other what makes you feel comfortable in a home. Not all the rooms have to be the same style. Compromising and giving the other person something they dream about is all part of love. In my house, if one of us says we really don't like something, it doesn't come into the house. We just keep looking until we can find something we both like. (Now, fortunately we have relatively similar tastes, such as not wanting a lot of beads hanging from anything). <br /><br /><em><strong>Stay focused on the solution to the problem.</strong></em> I once read a story about the CEO of a cancer research company who actually encouraged arguing because as opposed to getting input from a bunch of "yes" men and women, the arguments would foster new ideas. And when the arguments got heated or off track, he would just say, "Hey, let's remember why we're here - to cure cancer. Keeping focused on the mutual goal is very important. For example, the next time you and your spouse are trying to go out to the movies and there are dishes to put away, don't stand there fighting about who did the dishes the last time. Just keep focused and say, "We have to get this crap out of the way so we can go to the movies." Get it done without the ego of who did what. The point is to find a solution. <br /><br /><em><strong>The real purpose of arguing is to come to some kind of agreement or compromise.</strong></em> The main point of arguing is not to win (you could even put that on little three-by-five cards around the house). Having a useful argument means you've learned something about yourself and about your partner. Always remember you love each other. <br /><br />As many of you know, I take pool lessons. The hardest thing for me to learn was that dropping the ball in the pocket is not the goal. Instead, you're supposed to play for that incredible feeling of when you make the perfect stroke exactly in sync. The point is the feeling, not winning a particular point. <br /><br />So, the next time you're arguing with someone you love, remember the point is not to win the point - it's to experience the feeling of being in sync. <br /><br /><br />Staff2012-08-08T14:00:00ZVideo: Dissing the Marriage CovenantStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video:-Dissing-the-Marriage-Covenant/497677518543799671.html2012-08-07T14:00:00Z2012-08-07T14:00:00ZAfter Camilla married, her older brother started calling his shack-up girlfriend "my wife" and she refers to him as "my husband" which is making Camilla's blood boil. I've got the perfect response for each time she hears those insulting words…<br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/-RTvlP7pxX8" height="349"></iframe>Staff2012-08-07T14:00:00ZHow to Get Better Customer ServiceStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Get-Better-Customer-Service/-789645797426479249.html2012-08-06T14:00:00Z2012-08-06T14:00:00ZNo matter what kind of business you have, customer service is important. <br /><br />For example, part of my radio program is a business. When one of my peeps answers a phone and talks to someone, they know they're representing me. And I want to be represented as someone who gives others respect. If people have the interest to make contact or if they have any need or question, we have to fulfill the need or answer the question as best we can.<br /><br />Now, of course there are times when people call and are obnoxious and rude. It's rare, but it does happen. Some people call up very angry because they can't have what they want, how they want it, and have it five minutes ago. But it's amazing how even when that happens, a customer service rep (even if <em>they've</em> been having a bad day) will usually respond nicely. <br /><br />I deal with a lot of companies to get the "ingredients" I need for the pieces I create for <a href="http://www.drlauradesigns.com" target="_blank">Dr. Laura Designs</a>. I've been working with a company called <a href="http://www.riogrande.com" target="_blank">Rio Grande Jewelry </a>(I'll give them a plug because they're always so great) for years. They understand that as a business, the whole point of your existence is customer service: taking care of customers so they will be loyal. I would say over 90 percent of the equipment I get, I buy from Rio Grande because if there's ever a problem, I know they'll take care of it. <br /><br />One week, I ordered a mold to work with powdered glass, and it was delivered cracked. I was disappointed because I was really looking forward to using it over the weekend. So I called them up and asked for help (by the way - the minute you say to somebody that you need <em>help</em> instead of <em>ragging on them</em>, they're already more likely to want to help you). I didn't sound upset. The person on the other end of the phone didn't crack the mold, and the company they work for didn't either (they're just an intermediary for the company that made it and probably forwarded it to me cracked). She offered to pay for the mold to be returned and sent me new one.<br /><br />Because the phone call was so pleasant, I started asking her about an engraver machine I had with some lowercase letters missing. And after we had some fun communicating the letters that I needed to each other, - "'B', 'P,' 'T'...'B' as in 'baby'..." - she helped me get replacements. The interaction was just great. <br /><br /><em>The goal of customer service is to make sure your customer is satisfied and loyal. </em>Feeling disrespected is the primary reason customers don't come back to a restaurant or a store. Nobody should tolerate being treated rudely when all they're asking for is help. <br /><br />There are a couple of things I especially loathe when I call up a company asking for help. One of them is that stupid tree of "press one for this, press seven for that..." I won't work with companies that have that. You go through the whole tree, and you end up nowhere. At that point, you're left banging the phone down on the table several times. Companies ought to have people answering the phone instead of putting customers through the obstacle course of that automatic menu. <br /><br />However, sometimes <em>you</em> might be the one contributing to the reason why you're not getting great customer service. Here are <a href="http://jcmblabs.hubpages.com/hub/How-NOT-to-get-the-best-customer-service-over-the-phone" target="_blank">some tips</a> to avoid getting lousy customer service when you're <a href="http://www.ehow.com/how_5010584_customer-service-person-over-phone.html" target="_blank">calling and asking for help</a>: <br /><br />
<ul>
<li><strong>Don't be yelling at your kids, pets, or spouse in the background.</strong> <em>There is nothing more unpleasant for the person helping you to hear than you threatening your kid with a beat-down and then morphing into a sweet, polite person.</em> Keep the household or work drama out of the situation because that just gets the person on the other end tense.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong><em>Don't demand an immediate solution or interrupt them. </em></strong> Don't bully or make threats: "If you don't help me right now, I'm going do this," or, "If you put me on hold, I'm going to sue you!" (I think at the very worst, you should say that you're going to tell their mother). </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><em><strong>Explain your problem thoroughly.</strong></em> On my program, I work really hard helping people explain their problems clearly and linearly so I can get a complete picture of their dilemma. I try to get them to speak calmly and explain their issue in the least amount of sentences possible. I tell callers not to rush and just give me what I need to know in order to help them. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><em><strong>Be patient and give the person time to fulfill your request or give you some kind of alternative solution.</strong></em> Have a magazine, book, iPad, Kindle...whatever...sitting next to you. Instead of pounding the walls, just do something while you're waiting. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong>If you're not getting help, politely ask to be tossed upstairs. Ask to speak to a manager or a supervisor. </strong></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong><em>If worse comes to worst, you can write a complaint letter to the company's owner or a higher-level executive. </em></strong> You're more likely to get your complaint satisfied by somebody who has more power. A lot of times the people who answer the phone just don't have the authority. </li>
</ul>
<br />Always remember this: <em>remain completely calm when interacting with customer service agents and managers because employees are more likely to help if you are level-headed, reasonable, polite, and patient. </em><br /><br />A little sense of humor doesn't hurt either. <br />Staff2012-08-06T14:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-856556829298903383.html2012-08-03T21:03:00Z2012-08-03T21:03:00Z<p><em>Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.<br /></em> - Harriet Beecher Stowe<br /> American abolitionist and author <br /> 1811-1896</p>
<p><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/jogger_silhouette.jpg" alt="" width="425" height="282" /></p>Staff2012-08-03T21:03:00ZI'm Tired of My Sons' BickeringStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Im-Tired-of-My-Sons-Bickering/415172836287693722.html2012-08-02T07:00:00Z2012-08-02T07:00:00ZHow do parents stop siblings from constantly squabbling, quarreling, jabbing, quibbling and bickering? Just watch:<br /><br /><iframe width="560" frameborder="0" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/tyWZjKeKDdM" height="349"></iframe>Staff2012-08-02T07:00:00ZObsessed About Their KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Obsessed-About-Their-Kids/606825276599304399.html2012-08-01T14:00:00Z2012-08-01T14:00:00ZYou've all heard stories about kids getting homesick when they go away to summer camp. Well, these days that's sort of flipped. Instead, parents are getting <a href="http://healthland.time.com/2012/07/09/how-kidsick-parents-stay-connected-obsessively-with-their-kids-in-summer-camp/" target="_blank">"kidsick."</a> <br /><br />During the summer when I was a kid, we'd have breakfast, leave the house, and then maybe go back again only once that day. We usually bounced around from house to house and rode bikes for hours across acres and acres of farm fields near where I lived. Nobody even knew where we were, and I never knew of anybody who didn't come home again. <br /><br />But that was then, and this is now. <br /><br />Now there's not a day that kids don't show up dead. There's not a day that kids aren't stolen, molested, or victims of gang violence. There's just not a day. Neighborhoods are rarely tight anymore, and if they are, it's out of fear. And if your kids go to the park and you're not somewhere nearby, you're probably being irresponsible. <br /><br />However, there's a difference between sitting on the side of the playground relaxing, reading, listening to music, or talking to somebody and standing under the jungle gym making sure your precious little bundle of joy doesn't get dirty or upset by something somebody else says or does. That's micromanaging. Your precious little bundle of joy has to learn to live in the real world. <br /><br />I'm not saying you shouldn't supervise your kids. <strong>Macromanaging</strong> is really necessary, especially these days with all the sex, drugs, and violence. What I'm talking about is being a helicopter parent and hovering over your kids. For example, when parents send their kids to summer camp, the people who head the camp are now expected to take pictures every day, post them on the camp's Facebook, and send emails to the parents. If the parents see their kid not smiling, they call the head of the camp to see what's wrong. That's <strong>micromanaging</strong>.<br /><br />I recently took a call on my show that just stayed in my head. On the surface, it didn't seem like a memorable call, but it turned out to be. I found it alarming because of how typical the caller's situation was. <br /><br />The call was from a mother who had a son in his mid-20s, and he had just gotten fired from working in a pizza parlor (I don't know what you do to get fired from that kind of job, but he did). The caller's mother - the grandma of the ne're-do-well - was dying and said her grandson could have her car, which only had about 5,000 miles on it. She said he could just have it! And just when I was telling the woman she should tell Grandma to please give the car to somebody who would be more responsible, I found out this ne're-do-well (who doesn't have a job because somehow serving or flipping pizza is more than he can handle) doesn't like the car because it's not cool enough. He thinks it looks like "an old person's car." <br /><br />SPOILED...LITTLE...BRAT!<br /><br />But his mother didn't say that to Grandma. Instead, she catered to her son further by selling the car so he could use the money to buy a cooler one. <br /><br />I remember vividly choking down rage and saying that I was finding it difficult to help her out. In my day, if a car had doors and wheels and went forward, you were happy. I looked up the car online, and saw it's a nice car. But instead of saying, "Hey, you really have to find somebody else to give this car to. My son's kind of a loser and doesn't appreciate it. He's just not a grownup yet, so let's find somebody else in the family, who, by virtue of their character and effort, actually deserves and would appreciate it," Mommy sold the car so he could be cool. <br /><br />That's the kind of parenting that ruins children. The parent who gets involved in every emotional ache, pain, and little problem of their kid's life only hurts their kid and doesn't help them grow up. That's why huge percentages of young adults are moving back home instead of making their way somehow. That's why<a href="http://healthland.time.com/2011/09/16/back-off-mom-parents-who-hover-impede-kids-activity/" target="_blank"> two-thirds of American children</a> are fat or obese. Mothers sit three feet away from their kids screaming, "Don't do that! You're going to hurt yourself!," instead of letting them hang upside down and run around. <br /><br />I remember when my kid was little my rule was <em>if it didn't kill him or somebody else</em>, I would let him do it. I figured that's the way kids grow into adults and men. I'm not suggesting you allow your kids to run off to the park alone. That's kind of stupid these days. America has changed dramatically, and it will probably never go back to the way it was. But as far as avoiding being a kidsick, helicopter parent while your child is away at camp, I have a couple ways to cope. <br /><br />First, don't be connected to your kid's camp via the Internet. If they have a Facebook, don't go on it until your kid comes home. And lastly, do what parents used to do when kids went to camp: spend the time caretaking your marriage and worry less about the kids. You know that saying, "When the cat's away, the mice will play."? Well, just twist it around: while the mice are away, the <em>cats</em> will play. <br /><br />Just remember this: Being responsible and being worried all the time are two very different things. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Staff2012-08-01T14:00:00ZMarried with Friends of the Opposite SexStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Married-with-Friends-of-the-Opposite-Sex/237591995106562827.html2012-07-31T14:00:00Z2012-07-31T14:00:00ZIf you are in an intimate, marital relationship, you need to be sensitive and appropriate when it comes to friends of the opposite sex because it's a very complex and delicate situation. <br /><br />The most important issue you should be concerned about is the safety, comfort, and trust of your spouse. Too many times on my program, I hear from people who care more about their friend than their spouse. To me that's a dead giveaway that the friendship line has been crossed, whether you've been naked with the person of the opposite gender or not.<br /><br />I want to discuss <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201206/commitment-and-members-the-opposite-sex" target="_blank">some ways</a> you and your spouse can be protective of each other, but still have friends of the opposite sex:<br /><br /><em><strong>What does it look like?</strong></em> If you are getting together for a drink with <em>someone who is on the verge of leaving a relationship</em>, lost their spouse, lost their boyfriend or girlfriend, or is known to fool around, it's inappropriate. Plain and simple. You're only fibbing if you say, "Well, I'm just trying to be helpful and solicitous." Especially if your spouse says they don't want you to be helpful and solicitous to somebody in that situation and you argue that point, it means you're interested. Just have the person go see a counselor, a member of the clergy, or family. Your marriage is always supposed to come first.<br /><br /><strong><em>Be careful of that little "edgy" sexual tension.</em></strong> If either one of you is feeling a little horny about the other, or if you're touching, talking, or acting a little suggestive, seductive, or over-the-line cutesy toward each other, it needs to be over. If your relationship with a friend in any way makes you question or stress about your boundaries and limitations (which every relationship does at some point), you could be led toward temptation, which will change everything in your universe <em>forever</em>. <br /><br /><em><strong>You should always make sure you introduce all your friends to your spouse.</strong></em> Have them over for dinner or a barbeque. Have them be familiar with the family, and have everything be on the up-and-up and open. Full disclosure makes it clear to everybody that it's a friendship - solo time is where the problems start.<br /><br /><em><strong>You need to socialize with others who are also in committed relationships. </strong></em> People tend to hang with people who share their same values, more or less. So, if couples are friendly with each other and everybody has clarity, then everyone is sharing the same values. Your wife can go with your friend's husband and do archery while you go do a mini-marathon with his wife. As long as it's all on the up-and-up and everybody is sharing the same values, that's the important thing.<br /><br /><em><strong>Be careful about using the words "sweetie" and "honey." </strong></em> "Sweetie" and "honey" should be saved for your spouse and should not be used on a friend. <em>Use the person's name when talking to or about them, and save the lovey-dovey stuff for your spouse.</em><br /><br /><em><strong>Give your partner power. </strong></em> In addition to honesty and openness, you have to be willing to give your partner power. <em>If your spouse is really uncomfortable about a particular outside relationship, I recommend you honor that and make the appropriate adjustments.</em> However, if your spouse just freaks out at anybody with the opposite genitals, then that's an insecurity that has to be dealt with, probably by a professional.<br /><br />What it all boils down to is that all the choices you make have to be in the best interest of your marriage first. Otherwise, you're not being nice, and it's all going to come back to bite you. <br />Staff2012-07-31T14:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/923980993353944853.html2012-07-27T22:43:00Z2012-07-27T22:43:00Z<p><em>There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.</em><br /><br />Washington Irving<br />American author<br />1783-1859</p>
<p>Please keep in your thoughts and prayers the victims of last week's Aurora, Colorado shooting and their families.</p>
<p><br /><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/rippling_water.jpg" alt="" width="425" height="282" /></p>Staff2012-07-27T22:43:00ZCan Life Be Balanced?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Can-Life-Be-Balanced/-694252932810818898.html2012-07-26T14:00:00Z2012-07-26T14:00:00ZI would venture to guess that many of you do not balance work and the rest of your life in a healthy way. There is all kinds of research suggesting you don't. <em>About 80 percent of working people experience on-the-job stress and about half of them need help managing stress. Considering that stress is the number one health problem in the U.S. today (and one of the main factors contributing to heart attacks), work/life balance should not be taken lightly.</em><br /><br />I want to discuss <a href="http://balanceinme.com/balanced-lifestyle/6-rules-of-stress-free-work-life-balance/" target="_blank">some ways to keep a stress-free work/life balance</a>. Of course, it's <em>very personal</em>. We all have different lives, different priorities, and different types of jobs. But it doesn't matter. There are certain concepts that are universal.<br /><br />The first thing you always have to do, which a lot of you don't want to admit but really must, is that stress <strong>a) takes years off your life, and b) diminishes the quality of your health.</strong> It's not something you can just ignore.<br /><br /><em><strong>Get your priorities clear.</strong></em> Do something as simple as making a list of all of the responsibilities and obligations you have in a week, or a day. Just make a list. Right now, pull out a piece of paper and start making one. Don't list things in order; just list ALL the things you're responsible for. Then decide what is really the most important to you. If you put your family first, then you will be able to turn down a promotion if you realize that the extra money isn't going to be worth it to you. If it's your job, then you will focus your entire life around your work, and you can say "bye bye" to free time and fun activities with loved ones. There's always a <strong>choice</strong>, and each of us has to make it. When you set priorities, you should prepare yourself for the consequences of the choices and be OK with them. If you're not OK with them, then you really haven't made the choice. <br /> <br />Next,<em> <strong>don't try to focus on too many things at the same time. </strong></em> You may want to be a fabulous parent or cook, have the hottest body around, spend tons of time with friends, complete 14 different projects around the house, do charity work, visit with family, etc. But you can't do it all! Sorry! You're basically going to have to make some choices. You have to prioritize your activities, learn how to compromise, and let people know the limits of what you're willing to do so you don't get all crazed. Just do one thing at a time. For all you Type-A personalities, this is something you're going to have to learn because <em>the result of doing a million things at the same time leads to stress, low productivity, over-exhaustion, and burnout.</em><br /><br />Whatever it is you're doing, you should be in that moment and no place else in your head. I have learned this lesson quadruple times over when learning to shoot pool (which I still contend is the most difficult thing I do in life). With the tip of a stick, I hit one ball, which then has to move and hit another ball at just the right angle to put it in the pocket. If I don't hit the ball exactly in the center, or don't move my body, it won't work. I have missed straight shots by 6 inches because my head was someplace else. It is amazing to me how much learning to shoot pool teaches you about life. I realize when I'm deciding which ball to hit, how to hit it, and where the cue ball should end up, that better be the only thing on my mind. I can't be thinking about my program, my hair, my family, or the dogs - I can't be worrying about anything. To put it simply, I have to invest everything I have right into that moment. It's called "focus." <br /><br />So, when you're with your children, with your spouse, or at work, that's where your head should be. No matter where you are and what you're doing, that's the only place your head should be. That's what cuts down on stress. When you're trying to subdivide your attention, you don't do anything well, and that's stressful in itself. <br /><br /><strong><em>Cut out unnecessary activities.</em></strong> <em>Unnecessary activities clutter your schedule and steal precious time from the activities that you need to do and truly enjoy doing. </em> Sometimes you folks waste a lot of time in front of the TV, or you spend a lot of time on social media nonsense. <em>Once you get your priorities clear, it should be easy for you to spot what's unnecessary. </em> A curtain has to come down between the activities you love to do and the things you need to toss. That recently happened to me. I dropped an iron curtain and cut an activity out of my life. It freed me up to do other things. <br /><br /><strong><em>Protect your "non-work" time.</em></strong> <em>Your free time is an asset that you should protect at all costs. When we work, we usually have a certain number of hours allocated to working. For some reason when it comes to free time, we forget how important it is. It won't bring you extra income, it won't get you a promotion, but it will make you a happy and balanced person. </em><br /><br />A good 30 years ago, a major metropolitan magazine section was going to do a whole profile on me and all of my activities, which there have always been many. When the piece came out, one of my competitors went on the radio the next day and boasted that they did not fritter time away with such activities, but only focused on work (as though that were a good thing?!). I thought that was hilarious because your non-work time is really important to your self-esteem, your well-being, your health, cleansing your mind, and having fun. Life is not supposed to be just a work farm. Enjoyment in life is <em>part</em> of living. It makes you a more well-rounded person, and it's better for your physical health as well as emotional health. <br /><br />I am ferocious about protecting non-work time. It's sacred time for me, the same way work is sacred time.<br /><br /><strong><em>Declutter.</em></strong> <em>The more junk you have around your house, on your desk, or even on your schedule, the more projects you immediately envision ahead of you.</em> When you start panicking, "Oh my gosh, I have to do that and that and that," you have too much clutter. Declutter your schedule by getting rid of unnecessary activities. Also, declutter some part of your house every week. I recently spent time going into my knitting/sewing room, tearing it apart, and putting it back together. The projects had piled up to the point that I couldn't work in there anymore (when you go into a room and see 10,000 things to do, more often than not, you're just going to turn around and walk out). But now that I've straightened up, I can work in the room again. Cleaning and straightening up is not the most fun thing in the world, but when it's done, it looks pretty. And now I've even started a new project in there, which I could not have done in the midst of the clutter. <br /><br /><em><strong>Be great at your job.</strong> One of the secrets to a good work/life balance is actually appreciating the work you do. If you absolutely hate what you are doing then you probably will be off-balance.</em> Even if there are a lot of things you don't like about it, if there's at least something you do appreciate, then you'll be able to produce results and generate ideas. However, if you're not doing the work you feel you were meant to do, you had better shift. If you have a lot of responsibilities or don't have the freedom to make the shift, then you're probably going to have to re-prioritize in your mind and make, for example, your family the most important. In that case, work will shift to protecting, preserving, and providing for your spouse and kids. And that's something you can do well and take pride in. <br /><br />As you can see, it really all comes down to this: work/life balance is just about attitude and making choices. <br /><br />Staff2012-07-26T14:00:00ZParent Your Child, Not YourselfStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Parent-Your-Child,-Not-Yourself/862951616837163121.html2012-07-25T14:00:00Z2012-07-25T14:00:00ZMany of you aren't parenting in the best interest of your child. Instead, you're parenting to satisfy your own needs. <br /><br />I get too many calls on the topic of having low self-esteem. And that's probably because there are a lot of parents who have no concept of how to help their kids develop a positive attitude about people and life. You see, a lot of parenting comes from the "hurty" places: "I didn't have a lot of freedom, so I'm going to give my kid total freedom," or "I didn't have a lot of freedom, so I'm not giving my kid any freedom." Instead of thinking about the needs of the child and what's really healthy, parents make it all about what <em>I</em> experienced. They think things like, "He looks a lot like my ex-husband, so I can't stand him." <br /><br />Parents conjure up all kinds of things from ugly places. They lament to themselves, "My kid isn't perfect, my kid has some kind of handicap or problem, my kid's not pretty, my kid's not athletic; my kid's not <em>this</em> my kid's not <em>that</em>." But at the root of all their complaining is just their narcissism not being fed. <br /><br />The whole "I look good through my children doing something" idea is the same mentality that creates groupies. Girls go hump stars and sports figures and they think they've made themselves into something. That's all that's about. I had a wonderful conversation a while ago with a young woman who called with, again, a self-esteem question. I asked her, "Well, how have you earned it?" Her only comeback was, "I know how to have fun." Well, I'm sorry. We don't respect ourselves because we know how to have fun. Don't misunderstand me, I think it's healthy to know how to have fun, but that's not how you respect yourself. <br /><br />So, a lot of mistakes parents make with their kids come from them still being mucked up by their own pain. That's why I think it is really important to have six months of premarital counseling before people decide to marry because they learn a lot about themselves, the other person, their needs, their fears, their desires, and their problems, and they learn how to resolve things, move forward, and mature. It's more likely that the marriage will work. <br /><br />Considering this further, I thought maybe you could apply this rule to having a baby. Maybe people should go into counseling for six months before they have a baby, or if they get pregnant, perhaps that's when the therapy starts. In pre-baby therapy, you can talk about what happened in your childhood, what feelings you have about your husband or wife with respect to having a kid, and put everything on the table. It's amazing how much better you both can deal with things once the air is cleared. <br /><br />And that's why I'm so blunt on my satellite radio program: I'm trying to role model for all of you how to put even the ugly stuff on the table. Because once we take a clear look at it, it has less power over us. What you try to suppress is what has power over you. I'd like you to be the master, not the slave to your history and emotions. <br /><br />So, this is why I recommend counseling when you're thinking about getting married, and when you're considering having a baby. A lot of stuff is never discussed when you're dating. I mean who discusses diapers when they're dating?Staff2012-07-25T14:00:00ZMy Opinion About the Shootings in ColoradoStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/My-Opinion-About-the-Shootings-in-Colorado/483191493387447652.html2012-07-24T07:00:00Z2012-07-24T07:00:00Z<p>I know everyone's glued to the news right now trying to figure out what piece of information they can get out of the "Batman" movie theater shooting in Aurora, Colorado to keep themselves safe in the future. However, the fact is there isn't any. <a></a></p>
<p>You could say, "Well, since children were killed and injured, perhaps the parents shouldn't have brought children to a movie theater at midnight in the summer (much less a 6-year-old) to see a PG-13 movie." But that's not fair. They're not in the slightest way responsible for what happened. They should have the right to take their kids to a movie if they want to (even if it has a PG-13 rating). You could argue, "It sounds like the shooter put some tape on the lock to the emergency exit to get into the theater and somebody should have noticed it and prevented this from happening." But seriously, who looks for tape on door locks? The first thing you'd think is that some kids had wanted to sneak into the movie, and if they were already inside and saw the movie, why would they try to sneak in again? </p>
<p>"What about checking people before they went into the theater?" But tear gas, guns...who imagines that? Interestingly enough, a lot of people thought this was a fun thing the theater did for the "Batman" movie. </p>
<p>And of course somebody already said to me, "Oh my god, how crazy is he?" To people like that, I can only shake my head. Crazy is talking to lampposts. Crazy is seeing elephants that are pink. Crazy has to do with hallucinations, delusions, and the like. This guy is not crazy. He's just evil. He planned out everything beautifully. He was totally prepared with guns, a bulletproof vest, and canisters of tear gas. I mean he even picked <em>The Dark Knight Rises</em> at midnight. This was drama.</p>
<p>I'm sure he's going to get some defense attorney who's going to argue that he was molested by his mother's cousin's uncle's grandpa, and when he got to this age, he just felt compelled to kill people. I mean just ridiculous crap.</p>
<p>But in my opinion: he enjoyed every moment. </p>
<p>When you think back to things like the Bataan Death March, Pol Pot in Cambodia, the concentration camps in Germany, Russia massacring millions of people, and the wholesale murdering of innocent people in Syria, Egypt, and Africa, all of these tragedies were orchestrated by evil people - people who enjoyed it. If you're a German soldier throwing a baby up in the air and using it for target practice, or lining up children and mowing them down, that's not insane, that's just plain evil. A lot of you want to think these people are crazy because then you can fix them with a pill or therapy. But people like Charles Manson and all his little buddies, they weren't crazy. They weren't disconnected from reality at all. Instead, they wanted to change reality into something for them to feel more powerful, special, and connected. That's not crazy.</p>
<p>A lot of you don't want to accept that there is evil. One of the reasons the world has gotten so dangerous is that the level of sociopathy has increased dramatically. Today, we're surrounded by heroism for bad guys. I mean when I grew up, everything I saw on TV or in the movies was the good guy wearing a white hat, the bad buy wearing a black hat, and the bad guy always got it in the end. I didn't grow up seeing all these gangster rap videos with females gyrating all over the place and guys calling for people's deaths, hating women, and hurting people. I just didn't grow up seeing that as entertainment. When I grew up there was right and wrong, right won, and you took care of wrong - you didn't just stand by. </p>
<p>So, when I look at this horrible tragedy, the lesson learned is not about parents taking their kids to a PG-13 movie late at night or tape on a lock. The main thing to learn from this is that we need to keep our eyes open, and get involved if we think someone is a problem. Bring them to the attention of the police or FBI. I ask people all the time on my program, "This has been going on how long? Children have been at risk how long? Who has called Child Protective Services? Who has called the police?, etc." And do you know what answer I normally get?: "I haven't told anybody. I didn't want to get anybody mad." Stop worrying about upsetting people. Bad people need to be "cut off at the pass."</p>
<p>For all you folks who choose to stand by and don't do anything because you don't want to upset your family, know that you're also perpetrators. No, in fact, you're worse. You're cowards.</p>Staff2012-07-24T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/793110689713873953.html2012-07-20T19:59:00Z2012-07-20T19:59:00Z<p><em>When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.<br /></em> - Henry Ford<br /> American industrialist<br /> Founder of the Ford Motor Company<br /> 1863-1947<br /><br /><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/airplane_takeoff.jpg" alt="" width="400" height="300" /></p>Staff2012-07-20T19:59:00ZFinding Your Passion in LifeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Finding-Your-Passion-in-Life/-691748200092606122.html2012-07-19T07:00:00Z2012-07-19T07:00:00ZIf you are bored or not happy in life, the key is having a passion. If you want to transform your life and feel meaningful on the face of the earth, you need to have a point to your life. It could be your job, your career, or your hobby, but it needs to be something that you are simply absorbed with. And I'm not talking about obsessive-compulsive: I'm talking about a passion, something you love doing. <br /><br />I talk to so many young people in their 20s immersed in some very sad state, going nowhere, and feeling a lot of pain and confusion about life or a relationship. I typically ask, "What's your dream?" I'm amazed at how almost 100 percent of the time I get nothing back. Children are not being brought up anymore to imagine there's a point to their lives and something they are talented at that they need to commit themselves to. Their job should be to maximize it, respect it, be patient with it, water, fertilize, grow it, and let it bloom. People who do that are typically not depressed, sad, exhausted, or bored. There is something about a passion and a purpose that makes people live longer. When people give up on life, they usually give up on living in a general sense. So, it's really important you know what your passion is. <br /><br />How do you find your passion? <br /><br />One cute way is to ask people who know you, "What do you think is my thing?" A lot of times you will ignore what you have a knack for because you grew up in a family where somebody said it was stupid, or you figure you can't be great at it and you definitely can't make money with it. <br /><br />I have a number of passions, and they really save me when bad things happen. My biggest passion is my radio program. I've been doing this for a span of 35 years. I can't imagine not doing it. Sometimes people say, "Don't you just want to retire so you will be able to do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it?" Well, I sort of do that now because my radio program is my biggest passion. <br /><br />I feel very fortunate to be able to exercise my biggest passion. And it was by total accident. I was off being a scientist when one day, I decided to call into a radio program. They liked what I had to say so much that I was asked to be on the radio show once a week for a year. I then decided I ought to know more about what I was talking about so while I was teaching full time, I enrolled in a marriage and family therapy program at USC. It was then I discovered something I never knew before: I had the ability to hear and put things together in a way which proved valuable in helping people with their problems. I didn't know I had that in me. It wouldn't have occurred to me, but I wonder if people who knew me then thought so as well. <br /><br />So, I came upon my passion accidentally. And of course, I've added a million other things, and the crafts I go crazy over.<br /><br />Additionally, using your passion to contribute to the well-being of others is seemingly simple and not very complicated. For example, the daughter of my friend who just recently died is going to start a charity association where women who are dealing with cancer can go to beauticians to have their hair and nails done to make them feel better. It's a small thing, it will never be made into a movie, and most people won't even know about it, but other human beings will be made happier. I think that's huge. It's like ripples in the water - if you make one person happy, that in turn affects the people in their own house, and then those people impact others, making them happier. <br /><br />I found a <a href="http://thinksimplenow.com/happiness/life-on-purpose-15-questions-to-discover-your-personal-mission/" target="_blank">list of 15 questions</a> that you can ask yourself to help discover your passion and life's purpose: <br /><br /><em><strong>Simple Instructions:</strong></em><br />
<ul>
<li><em>Take out a few sheets of loose paper and a pen.</em></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><em>Find a place where you will not be interrupted. Turn off your cell phone.</em></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><em>Write the answers to each question down. Write the first thing that pops into your head. Write without editing. Use point form. It's important to <strong>write</strong> out your answers rather than just thinking about them.</em></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><em>Write quickly. Give yourself less than 60 seconds a question. Preferably less than 30 seconds.</em></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><em>Be honest. Nobody will read it. It's important to write without editing.</em></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><em>Enjoy the moment and smile as you write.</em></li>
</ul>
<br /><em><strong>15 Questions: </strong></em> <br /><ol>
<li><em>What makes you smile? (Activities, people, events, hobbies, projects, etc.) </em></li>
<li><em>What were your favorite things to do in the past? What about now? </em></li>
<li><em>What activities make you lose track of time?</em></li>
<li><em>What makes you feel great about yourself?</em></li>
<li><em>Who inspires you most? (Anyone you know or do not know. Family, friends, authors, artists, leaders, etc.) Which qualities inspire you, in each person?</em></li>
<li><em>What are you naturally good at? (Skills, abilities, gifts etc.)</em></li>
<li><em>What do people typically ask you for help in?</em></li>
<li><em>If you had to teach something, what would you teach?</em></li>
<li><em>What would you regret not fully doing, being or having in your life?</em></li>
<li><em>You are now 90 years old, sitting on a rocking chair outside your porch; you can feel the spring breeze gently brushing against your face. You are blissful and happy, and are pleased with the wonderful life you've been blessed with. Looking back at your life and all that you've achieved and acquired, all the relationships you've developed; what matters to you most? List them out.</em></li>
<li><em>What are your deepest values?</em></li>
<li><em>What were some challenges, difficulties and hardships you've overcome or are in the process of overcoming? How did you do it?</em></li>
<li><em>What causes do you strongly believe in? Connect with?</em></li>
<li><em>If you could get a message across to a large group of people. Who would those people be? What would your message be?</em></li>
<li><em>Given your talents, passions and values. How could you use these resources to serve, to help, to contribute? (to people, beings, causes, organization, environment, planet, etc.)</em></li>
</ol>Staff2012-07-19T07:00:00ZI'll Never Learn! I'm a Loser!: Helping Self-Critical KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Ill-Never-Learn!--Im-a-Loser!:-Helping-Self-Critical-Kids/-812561424385291418.html2012-07-18T07:00:00Z2012-07-18T07:00:00Z<em>"Is my kid being unduly hard on themselves?" </em><br /><br />I hear this question a lot. I get calls from parents saying, "My kid is a perfectionist. When they lose a game, don't get chosen for something, or somebody doesn't like them, they go bonkers." <br /><br />Adolescence is tough enough; you're not a baby, you're not an adult...you're just sort of in a swing state. And what makes the adolescent swing state painful is when young folks are inclined to be very hard on themselves after some frustration or disappointment. You've probably heard this at home: <em>"I'll never learn! I'm stupid! I can't do anything right! No one likes me! I don't have any friends! I'm such a loser! I hate myself! I wish I were dead!" </em><br /><br />Doing poorly or not doing as well as they wanted triggers a belief that they deserve the self-inflicted bad treatment. And a lot of people take this feeling all the way through adulthood. They feel obligated to come down on themselves. <br /><br />Where do they learn this? <br /><br />Oh I don't know, let me think...<br /><br /><strong>...From their parents!</strong> Not always, but generally. They either learn it from a parent who's blatantly role modeling that behavior, or just from a very critical parent. And then these young people spend most of their time hating themselves for any perceived failure, big or small. <em>"The parental rule of 'judge and punish' carries on."</em> They beat themselves up out of habit, not because they want to motivate themselves, do better, or change. <br /><br />So, a lot of the time kids learn self-critical behavior from having a parent or two parents <em>who they could never please, who thought criticism was the best motivation, or who felt that expressing dissatisfaction was motivating.</em> But parents are not always the culprits. Some kids get it in their heads that they just have to align themselves with an unreasonable set of expectations. Maybe it's from sibling rivalry stuff, something happening at school, or just moon spots...who knows. In any case, parents really need to help them. <br /><br />Here are a <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201205/when-adolescents-are-unduly-hard-themselves" target="_blank">handful of triggers</a> that cause kids to get down on themselves, and how you can motivate them to go in another direction: <br />
<ul>
<li><strong><em>Losing a game or contest.</em></strong> In a kid's head, they think, <em>"I have to win or I'm a loser."</em> Oh my gosh! Nobody wins all the time. How could they? Also, by following that logic, if you win and someone else loses, that means they're a loser. And of course, that's not true. Probably the most important thing you can teach your kids is that winning and losing are exactly the same. Rudyard Kipling said that, except much more eloquently in the poem <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/If%E2%80%94" target="_blank">"If."</a> You should approach winning and losing the same way - calmly. </li>
<br />It took me years to learn this while playing pool. If I made a great shot, I'd be bouncing around the room. But if I missed a shot, I'd start muttering things to myself like, "I've been practicing this for three hours, and I'm still terrible," "I'll never learn this," and "I suck at this game." I couldn't tolerate missing. And I know exactly where that reaction came from. It was parental. I didn't make it up myself. I can really understand when people get into that mode because I personally had trouble getting out of it. However, now when I make a good shot, I just say, "That felt good, let's try to create that feeling again." And if I miss a shot, I think, "I didn't go through my whole routine, or I adjusted my aim while I was taking the shot. Hopefully I'll get another shot at this, and I'll do better." <br /> <br />You have to teach your kids that it's best to expect you're going to win some and lose some, just like the person on the other side of the game.<br />
</ul>
<ul>
<li><strong><em>Making a mistake.</em></strong> A kid thinks, <em>"I have to get things right or something's wrong with me." </em> Show your kids the problem with this mindset by role modeling the correct attitude. If you make a mistake while doing something, stop and say, "Aha! I think I know what I did wrong." They'll see you analyzing the error and remedying it for next time rather than going on an incomprehensible tirade about how mad you are at yourself. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><em><strong>Failing to perform well. </strong></em> Many kids believe they have to be a success to avoid shame. However, in life, <em>you can control your effort, but you can't control the outcome.</em> The result is not entirely up to you. For instance, things are handicapped or there are politics involved. Or people cheat, even on the highest levels, which can be seriously demoralizing because cheating seems to pay off when people get away with it. </li>
<br />So, you have to teach kids that everything in life is not on an even playing ground, and if they fail to do well, it's not completely their fault. They can't always control the outcome because there are too many other factors that have absolutely nothing to do with them.<br />
</ul>
<ul>
<li><em><strong>Getting in trouble.</strong></em> A kid thinks, <em>"Since I did this wrong, I'm a bad person."</em> If you have a propensity for doing bad things, then yes, you probably are a bad person. However, kids do stupid things, they test limits, and they don't think things through - their brains just aren't ready to do that. They do dumb things but it's not the same thing as being a bad kid, unless they do it continuously. So, it's best to teach your kids that if they do something wrong, they should <em>take responsibility, pay their dues, and then forgive themselves. Instruct them to move on and not repeat it. </em></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><em><strong>Getting criticized. </strong></em> A kid thinks, <em>"Oh my gosh, everybody has to think well of me or I'm inadequate, inferior, or horrible."</em> That's the point where you can remind them just like they're not going to be a fan of everyone they know, certain people will not like them. And it'll be for reasons that may have very little to do with them. It could be because they look like somebody from the other person's past who upset him or her. The other person could be jealous of what they have, who they are, and what they're like. It has nothing to do with your kid being a bad person. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><em><strong>Being left out. </strong></em> This is one of the tougher ones. At some point your child will probably say something like this: "I wasn't invited to the party," or "I wasn't asked to be on the team." Tell them that just like we don't want to be with every group, every group doesn't necessarily want to be with us. Or as Groucho Marx put it, "I refuse to join a club that would have me as a member."</li>
</ul>Staff2012-07-18T07:00:00ZYou Don't Need Self-Esteem to Break a Bad HabitStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/You-Dont-Need-Self-Esteem-to-Break-a-Bad-Habit/628811976713875068.html2012-07-16T07:00:00Z2012-07-16T07:00:00Z<p>Do you know how many people have called my show over the last 3 1/2 decades to tell me they could do the right thing in their lives if they only had self-esteem? <br /><br />A LOT. <br /><br />People use low self-esteem as an excuse all the time:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">"What made you do this thing instead of another?"<br />"Low self-esteem." <br /><br />"How come you stayed with a guy who pummeled you?" <br /> "Low self-esteem." <br /><br />"How come you quit X, Y or Z?" <br />"Low self-esteem." </p>
<p>But that answer is wrong, wrong, wrong! It's backwards - it's making bad decisions that creates low self-esteem, not the other way around. <br /><br />Healthy self-esteem is like a tennis racket: if you hit the ball too close to the edge, it's bad, but if you make contact with the sweet spot, it's perfect. High self-esteem is "a sweet spot between an unhealthy level of narcissism and harmful self-criticism." It's right in the middle. However, you don't need self-esteem to change your actions, habits, or temptations. <br /><br />A lot of you have very bad habits, like eating at 10 o'clock at night, not cleaning your teeth, speaking before your think, and succumbing to temptations like cookies, cigarettes, and booze. But you absolutely do NOT need self-esteem to change any of them. What you need is a thing that gets put down, dissed, and discounted all the time: <strong><em>good old-fashioned willpower</em></strong>. <br /><br />And where does willpower come from? You have to pick a <strong><em>motivator</em></strong>. Your motivators are the values and goals in life that are important to you. Once you have them lined up, you can change a habit no matter how much self-esteem you have. Whether it's dying from continuing to smoke or drink, losing weight, wanting to be a good role model, or being religious, whatever you decide is your motivator has to come out of your head, not out of the universe. It's something you decide. Just ask people who have quit smoking or drinking, and they will tell you it was willpower, not self-esteem that made them quit. Certainly when they were drunk and had to smoke 135 cigarettes every five minutes, self-esteem wasn't an issue.<br /><br />So, it's all about willpower. It's not a big deal if you don't have self-esteem. It is not correlated to success, willpower is. People with willpower have self-control and self-discipline, which helps them build better relationships, take initiative, and sustain their efforts over time. And when you use willpower to accomplish something, you can say to yourself, "<em>I</em> did that!" When you can impress yourself by achieving a goal and cheer yourself on, you begin a virtuous cycle instead of a vicious one. Because if you successfully change a habit, then you give yourself more self-esteem, and it just keeps on going in a circle. <br /><br />Here are some <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/changepower/201205/do-you-need-self-esteem-change-habit" target="_blank">steps to activate your willpower</a>:</p>
<ul>
<li><em><strong>Make the decision to change.</strong></em></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><em><strong>Set realistic goals.</strong></em> Goals can be like inchworms: once you achieve one goal, you move the goalpost, and then, when you achieve the next goal, you move the goalpost again...</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><em><strong>Activate your willpower by using the thought of your motivator to guide your behavior.</strong></em></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><em><strong>Make a specific plan for change or join a program to help you change.</strong></em></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><em><strong>Bounce back from setbacks.</strong></em> Just getting on your own case about a hitch in the road is not useful progress.</li>
</ul>
<p> </p>Staff2012-07-16T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-457165703831469621.html2012-07-13T07:00:00Z2012-07-13T07:00:00Z<p><em>Never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.</em><br /> - Clementine Paddleford<br /> American food writer<br /> 1898-1967</p>
<p><br />Thanks to listener Kim M. for sending in this quote for us to post!</p>
<p><em><img style="display: block; margin-left: NaNpx; margin-right: NaNpx;" src="/images/blog/girl_backbone.jpg" alt="All good things...." width="403" height="298" /></em></p>Staff2012-07-13T07:00:00ZNo Commitment When Shacking UpStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/No-Commitment-When-Shacking-Up/-278656341956101616.html2012-07-12T07:00:00Z2012-07-12T07:00:00ZI can't believe <em>The New York Times</em>, with its hugely liberal perspective, actually published an article on the downside of shack-ups. I was stunned. The article, titled <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/15/opinion/sunday/the-downside-of-cohabiting-before-marriage.html?_r=1" target="_blank">"The Downside of Cohabitating Before Marriage,"</a> gives some stats that are simply mind-boggling:<br />
<blockquote><em>Cohabitation in the United States has increased by more than 1,500 percent in the past half century. In 1960, about 450,000 unmarried couples lived together. Now the number is more than 7.5 million. The majority of young adults in their 20s will live with a romantic partner at least once, and more than half of all marriages will be preceded by cohabitation. This shift has been attributed to the sexual revolution and the availability of birth control, and in our current economy, sharing the bills makes cohabiting appealing. But when you talk to people in their 20s, you also hear about something else: cohabitation as prophylaxis. </em><em><br /><br />In a <a href="http://www.virginia.edu/marriageproject/pdfs/SOOU2001.pdf" target="_blank">nationwide survey</a> conducted in 2001 by the National Marriage Project, then at Rutgers and now at the University of Virginia, nearly half of 20-somethings agreed with the statement, "You would only marry someone if he or she agreed to live together with you first, so that you could find out whether you really get along." About two-thirds said they believed that moving in together before marriage was a good way to avoid divorce. </em><em><br /><br />But that belief is contradicted by experience. Couples who cohabit before marriage (and especially before an engagement or an otherwise clear commitment) tend to be less satisfied with their marriages - and more likely to divorce - than couples who do not. </em></blockquote>
The issue lies in the shack-up itself. When people decide to get engaged, there's a lot of thought involved. They realize, "Oh my gosh, I'm making a commitment." They talk about babies and families, and where they're going to live. None of that occurs when people shack up. There's no decision-making, only sliding. Shack-up couples slide from dating, to having sex, to sleeping over, to bringing their things over, to being there most of the time, to shacking up. There are no concrete decisions with rings and ceremonies and families involved. The two people have not and do not talk about what they want, need, and expect from each other.<br /><br />The article also discusses how cohabitors often have different, unspoken - even unconscious - agendas: <br />
<blockquote><em>Women are more likely to view cohabitation as a step toward marriage, while men are more likely to see it as a way to test a relationship or postpone commitment, and this gender asymmetry is associated with negative interactions and lower levels of commitment even after the relationship progresses to marriage. One thing men and women do agree on, however, is that their standards for a live-in partner are lower than they are for a spouse. </em></blockquote>
You can see right there that shack-ups are just convenient and comfortable. There is no desire for a connection on a deeper level. A lot of people think, "Well, living together reduces costs. It's easy, and there's no real risk. If it doesn't work, we'll just break up." EXCEPT, they've already bought furniture and pets together. A couple that thinks, "Maybe we will, maybe we won't," is not as dedicated as a one that says, "We do, we'll commit, we'll make it happen." <br /><br />It's important to discuss everybody's motivation: "I'm shacking up with you because..." or "My expectation is..." As I've always told people on the show, you cannot have any expectations when you shack up. It's not a commitment. Either one of you can do whatever you want at any given time, so expectations of marital behavior are silly, foolish, and self-destructive. This is why there's more mental illness, violence, and breaking up when people shack up. Women especially start having more anxiety and depression. They also experience more battering because their partners take their frustration and annoyance out on them.<br /><br />Shacking up is not an intentional step -- it's just convenient. There's absolutely nothing of depth that people can count on. <br /><br />Staff2012-07-12T07:00:00ZHow to Help Your Older Child Adjust to the New BabyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Help-Your-Older-Child-Adjust-to-the-New-Baby/-582853930895068161.html2012-07-11T07:00:00Z2012-07-11T07:00:00ZHelping an older child adjust to a new baby being brought home can be difficult. I've got some tips for how you can acclimate your child to the new situation based on an <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/how-raise-happy-cooperative-child/201204/8-steps-helping-your-older-child-adjust-the-new-baby" target="_blank">article published in <em>Psychology Today</em></a>. <br /><br />First, inform your older child you are having a baby. Then, you have to tell them why because in a kid's mind, the first thought is, "What?! I'm not enough? You don't like me and are replacing me?" For example, you could say, "We decided to have another baby so you could have a brother or sister, and you will never be lonely," or you could tell them, "When you come home from kindergarten, you will have a little playmate." Even if their sibling won't be able to do much for a while, it's still something you can have them look forward to.<br /> <br />Second, tell your child some kind of success story. Say, "Mommy is such good friends with her brother, your Uncle George, and it's nice to have a brother and a sister. We want you to have that kind of fun relationship." So, you are setting something up for them that already exists that they can appreciate.<br /><br />Next, reassure your child that love does not get subdivided. If you have a pizza and half the pizza goes to someone else, the child knows he or she is only getting half the pizza. That's a child's mind. You have to tell the child, "It's not like pizza or a cookie. Love grows. There's always more, more, more. There's love for Mommy, there's love for Daddy, there's love for you, there's love for aunts, uncles, grandmas, cousins, and the new baby. Mommy and Daddy have so much love you're not going to miss out on one shred of love."<br /><br />Also, it's really important that you show your child his or her baby pictures. Show them when they were first born, when you had to feed them, when you had to bathe them, etc. Say, "See you couldn't do this yourself when you were a baby. Now, you're a big kid and can do it all. But at the time, Mommy and Daddy had to do it for you." This will help the older child understand he or she received the same kind of attention the new baby is going to get. Reassure your child that over time the baby's going to grow up just like them. He or she is going to be able to do things by him/herself and won't take up as much time. You have to remind yourself of that too. I had to remind myself of this too because I thought the rest of my life was going to be spent with a screaming kid. But kids go through phases, and this one will pass.<br /><br />Another thing you can do is educate your child about babies. If you know a family with a new baby, bring your kid over there. You can show your child how tiny, fragile and dependent babies are. Show your child that everybody will need to be gentle. Point out how babies can get really annoying and cry, but they sleep a lot. Admit, "When the baby's first here, he or she is not going to be able to play your favorite games. You have to wait until he or she is older." But then, talk about the things they can do with the baby - take it for walks, sing to it, read to it, hold it, etc. <br /><br />One of the things to always point out is that your child will have a special role as a brother or sister. Talk about how they will be able to teach their brother or sister the alphabet, counting, writing, and riding tricycles. Explain how the baby's going to look up to them as a brother or sister because they already know so many amazing things. <br /><br />It's also really important to talk about their emotions. The truth is sometimes they are going to feel left out, angry, and annoyed because they want the attention, and the baby is either getting it or just being noisy. These are all normal feelings. You have to acknowledge that they're normal. You can say, "Sweetie, when you feel like you need a hug, just come over. When I'm feeding the baby, you can cuddle with me, and I can read you a book while the baby's drinking the bottle or drinking from Momma. But sometimes sweetie, you will have to wait because it takes time to put the bottle together (or whatever it is you're doing) and babies can't wait. Big boys and girls can wait a little bit, but babies can't. So while the baby is a baby, there are going to be times where you are probably going to be a little annoyed. But you're a big kid and can do some things for yourself; the baby can't do anything." When you lay out what all the emotions are probably going to be, then kids don't feel ambivalence, guilt, anger, annoyance, and rage. They are also less likely to act out violently. <br /><br />Lastly, make your older child feel involved. Tell them when the baby comes, it would be nice if they would pick out its clothes or bib. That way, they feel a sense of some responsibility. When you ask kids their opinion and give them some responsibility and power, it's amazing how they get less petty because they still feel important.Staff2012-07-11T07:00:00ZKids' Allowances: Giving vs. EarningStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Kids-Allowances:-Giving-vs.-Earning/-336615449169159603.html2012-07-10T07:00:00Z2012-07-10T07:00:00ZWhen it comes to the issue of whether or not to give kids an allowance, there are <a href="http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304432704577349711248126398.html?mod=WSJ_hp_MIDDLENexttoWhatsNewsFifth" target="_blank">two schools of thought</a>.<br /><br />The <strong>first school of thought</strong> says a child's allowance should be associated with work: <br />
<blockquote><em>"The only way you get money is to earn it; there is no entitlement program in life. If kids have to work for their money, they also will start to understand and hopefully appreciate how hard it is to work and earn money. There may even be a miracle that takes place, and they will start to understand that Mom and Dad have to work hard for their money as well!"</em></blockquote>
Up until recently, the American ethic has always been that the only way you get money is to earn it (of course, in reality it's not always that way - anyone keeping up with the Federal government bailouts?). Even though Cinderella didn't get an allowance, she still ended up with a prince, the castle, and a very uncomfortable glass slipper. <br /><br />The <strong>second school of thought</strong> advocates for parents to divide chores into two categories: <em><strong>family chores</strong></em> and <strong><em>extra chores</em></strong>. <br /><br /><strong>Family chores</strong> are chores children have to do because they are members of the family. They don't get paid for them; their reward is an internal sense of accomplishment that helps them develop a work ethic. <br /> <br />Parents can also create a list of <strong>extra chores</strong> children can do to earn money. Extra chores will teach your child to appreciate hard work and understand that earning money involves work. <br /><br />For example, your children shouldn't get paid for brushing their teeth, keeping their own space clean, or putting their toys away. If you child doesn't brush his or her teeth or clean up, you take away a privilege like watching TV. But all chores in the home, like setting tables and doing laundry, are paid for with a salary on a weekly schedule. If work-for-pay jobs are not done, then there's just no pay.<br /><br />Here's what I think:<br /><br />I really don't see a huge difference between the two schools. I think an extremely modest allowance should be given based on your child's age. It should be just enough to pay for little small things, nothing major. For example, they can't go out and buy a new pair of cool shoes. You should also expect them to do minor chores for their allowance, such as keeping themselves and their room neat. Everything else they can earn by doing major chores such as setting and clearing the table, or dealing with the garbage, dogs, and/or yard. I don't think you should withhold allowance because they didn't do something or annoyed you. I don't think money should be associated with that. <br /><br />For the major chores, create a list with a price tag attached to each chore. You can even post it somewhere in the house. The list specifies what things they can do and what they earn for having done them, just like a restaurant menu shows what a particular meal costs. If they want to make extra money, those are the chores they have to do. That way they earn their way. If they don't earn the extra money, and then say they want to go to some event and don't have enough money, you just tell them that they need to think ahead the next time. It teaches them a powerful lesson. If you just give them the money, it teaches them no lesson. Instead, they'll just think they're entitled, and they'll be on their way to buying things they can't afford. <br /><br />In addition, tell them whatever they earn will have to go into a bank account, some of it will have to go to charity, and the rest they can keep, save, or spend. Putting money in the bank teaches them to save. Tell them they can't touch the money unless there's something huge taking place (e.g. when they're 15 and want to go on a special school trip, they can pull money out with the understanding they won't have it for the future). The amount given to charity teaches them to be generous. <br /><br />By following these steps, you will teach your kids to budget and manage their money, and control their need for instant gratification.Staff2012-07-10T07:00:00ZReasons to Get MarriedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Reasons-to-Get-Married/638285213678050666.html2012-07-03T07:00:00Z2012-07-03T07:00:00ZA lot of people get married for <a href="http://marriage.about.com/cs/engagement/qt/reasons.htm" target="_blank">selfish reasons</a>. They want to be free from their parents, ease loneliness, have sex, show that they're adults, save or help someone else, attain citizenship, and/or have a baby. They also might get married because all their friends are married, or they feel like they're running out of time. <br /><br />But all of these reasons are WRONG!<br /><br />You should get married because you have a deep admiration and respect for someone else, and you are willing to help fulfill his or her needs and dreams. You should get married when you've learned enough about a person and his or her family to know that he or she is emotionally and psychologically healthy, and you really want to share your lives together. When you get up in the morning, you should look at your spouse and think, "What can I do to make him or her happy today and glad he or she is married to me? How can I make him or her glad to come home to me tonight?" There'd be a lot more happy people if all we did that.<br /><br />This is why good marriage counselors don't start off with the problems and the things your spouse does that make you mad. Instead they ask, "What was there that made you fall in love? What was there about each other that you admired, respected, and enjoyed? What kept you together long enough to get married?" <br /> <br />And then there's the whole commitment thing. <br /><br />What's the point of a commitment you might ask? Isn't it just a piece of paper? <br /><br />The answer is no. Love without commitment is not enough to maintain a relationship. In the beginning, rules about commitment are not an issue because the two of you are so overwhelmed by emotion. But when you start having ups and downs and challenges, and you've both gotten a little lazy about being loving and supportive, the rules and expectations start coming into play. When you guys forget your vows and promises to each other, everything else loses meaning. <br /><br />And that's why marriage is important. It's the expression of commitment and devotion in public with promises. <br /><br />Married people also eat better, take better care of themselves, and have more stable, secure, and scheduled lifestyles than unmarried ones. <a href="http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_marriage/marriage_gods_idea/why_marriage_matters_for_adults.aspx" target="_blank">Read more</a> about how marriage positively affects your physical and mental health. <br /><br />And here's an email Fiona sent me about the benefits of being married. I chose it because she added a dimension I hadn't heard put quite that way. <br /><br /><em>Hi Dr. Laura,</em><br /><br /><em>There are so many wonderful things about being married. I would like to touch on two that I think are the most meaningful to me. </em><br /><br /><em>1. It is nice to know there is someone in life who is "for" you. I am for him and he is for me. My husband and I are each other's cheerleaders. "Rah Rah!, I'm rooting for you Baby...and thanks for rooting for me too!" If someone asked me for advice on marriage, I would tell them to make sure you are both FOR each other. It's really an easy way to choose wisely. If that quality isn't present, you are not a match. </em><br /><br /><em>2. The second thing is this: we are there to be a witness to each other's lives. We know each other's dreams, accomplishments, failures, mistakes, heartaches, triumphs, tragedies, and ecstasies. We know what is important to each other and what we both believe and what our values are. We can say, "Yes, they were here, this is who they were, this is what they did, and this is what meant enough to them to fight for." I was a witness, I was there.</em>Staff2012-07-03T07:00:00ZReasons People Are Afraid of LoveStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Reasons-People-Are-Afraid-of-Love/-509430617400538478.html2012-07-02T07:00:00Z2012-07-02T07:00:00ZWhy are some people afraid to love? I can give you a handful of reasons: <br /><br /><strong>(1) Fear of disapproval </strong><br />People fear disapproval. Some of you are afraid of crossing religious, racial, national, political, educational, and social lines. Some of you are afraid to love because you are gay. There are all kinds of things people fear will make their families and/or the general public shun them -- they are afraid to love because there will be hell to pay. <br /><br /><strong>(2) Fear of being consumed </strong><br />Some of us have a fear of being consumed, especially in today's climate. Let's say you had a mommy who was way past "helicopter" to the point of "octopus." Her love meant you had no room...no space...no self beyond her tentacles. Some people who grew up under that situation are a little afraid to love because they don't want to feel that again. <br /><br /><strong>(3) Fear of commitment</strong><br />You've heard this a million times - some people just fear commitment. <em>Commitment is a conscious choice, but it is always faced with the challenges of an unconscious brain. People may deny that they are in love because commitment keeps them answerable to their "conscience," and the resulting guilt feels like it is too much. </em>There are ways you need to behave in order to get love in return and make love survive. <br /><br /><strong>(4) Fear of loss</strong><br />Some people have faced a lot of loss in life -- rejection, abandonment, a parent's death, suicide, being dumped by some idiot they met on the Internet. They are afraid and don't buy the "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." They're in the "it's better to not love than go though all the pain again." It's foolish, and their negativity will probably make a relationship end. <br /><br /><strong>(5) Fear of disappointing </strong> <br />There are people who just fear disappointing their partner. They think, "When they really get to know me...when they see me naked...when they see I have problems, they'll be disappointed. It's better to just keep my distance." <br /><br /><strong>(6) Fear of being found out</strong><br />Some people don't want to love because they are still searching for the perfect mommy, whether they are male or female. Loving somebody is not the issue -- being perfectly mommied is. They will look for situations where they are perfectly mommied, but they don't give love. Just like a screaming baby throwing up food out one end and pooping out the other, they take but do not give love. <br /><br />Additional information can be found <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/debunking-myths-the-mind/201007/afraid-love-7-fears-and-ways-overcome-them" target="_blank">here</a>.<a href="/Why are some people afraid to love? I can give you a handful of reasons: (1) Fear of disapproval People fear disapproval. Some of you are afraid of crossing religious, racial, national, political, educational, and social lines. Some of you are afraid to love because you are gay. There are all kinds of things people fear will make their families and/or the general public shun them -- they are afraid to love because there will be hell to pay. (2) Fear of being consumed Some of us have a fear of being consumed, especially in today's climate. Let's say you had a mommy who was way past" target="_blank"></a><br /><br />Here is a call I took from <a href="http://fetch.noxsolutions.com/drlaura/audio/calls/2012-04-03_o_Julianna.mp3" target="_blank">"Julianna"</a> whose fear of rejection, which stems from her sperm donor father's abandonment, makes her afraid to love.Staff2012-07-02T07:00:00ZTo Complain or Not to Complain?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/To-Complain-or-Not-to-Complain/-76122850486690500.html2012-06-28T07:00:00Z2012-06-28T07:00:00ZRecently, I took three of my lady friends and husband out to lunch at an amazing soup and sandwich place (by the way, my husband handled being surrounded by four women very well). <br /><br />When the food arrived, the salads and sandwiches were great, but the soup was horrible. It was watery, had no flavor, and the vegetables were not cooked. The lady who sat us came over and asked how everything was, and I said the sandwiches were incredible and the salads were magnificent, but the soup was not very good. <br /><br />Not three minutes had passed when the chef arrived at our table asking what was wrong with the soup. Now, I felt kind of bad, but I thought, "You know what, I'm paying and this is a service, not a favor." So I told him we have soup there all the time and it's always been really good, but today was a fluke. He said, "I appreciate you're telling me that," and offered to make us some dessert. As we were finishing up, the manager also came over. He said, "Thank you very much for telling us. This is the kind of feedback we need. We are very busy for a reason, and we try to take care of the customers and make the very best food we can. So thank you very much." <br /><br />I got <em>thanked</em> for complaining! <br /><br />We have an innumerable amount of complaints and dissatisfactions during a day, but certainly not all of them are important to discuss. Women in particular tend to have a little a-tisket-a-tasket basket in which we accumulate a million little irritations throughout the day. We often call our friends and bond by bitching about the things in the basket. And when our husbands walk through the door, we start in on them. <br /><br />When considering whether or not to complain, the first rule is <strong>don't complain when you're angry</strong>. Calm yourself down, or else you'll look like an idiot. And you'll look especially stupid if you get crazy about something that just happens as a part of life. For example, if you go insane when you go out to the parking lot and find a little ding on your car. You know, it's actually sort of good when you get your first little ding because then you don't have to be neurotic about the car anymore. You need to remind yourself that things just happen, and if you stay crazy and irate, the only person you're hurting is yourself. The problem with complaining is if you just want to complain, you're going to annoy a lot of people and make yourself sick. <br /><br />The bottom line when considering which complaints to voice and which to let slide is you have to think through the full implications of leaving the problem unresolved and the long-term impact of solving the problem. You have to learn the difference between something you can change and something you can't. It's all about solving the problem. <br /><br />For example, let's take something trivial that happens at home. Your spouse finishes the roll of toilet paper and doesn't replace it. Instead of complaining, just get a cute little basket and put some rolls of toilet paper in it. Then you can just say, "Sweetie, I know it's a big pain in the neck to schlep all the way across the house, so look what I got. This makes it very easy to put a new roll on." When you're thinking about bringing something to your sweetie's attention, think about what the resolution could be and offer it. Maybe they'll have an even better idea about to resolve it. But either way, make the problem something to be resolved rather than a fight to be had. <br /><br />So, the next time you're thinking about complaining, ask yourself the following questions I found in the article titled, <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201205/when-minor-complaints-have-major-consequences" target="_blank">"The Squeaky Wheel"</a>: <br /><br />1. Would leaving the complaint unresolved affect the health or mental health of anyone concerned?<br /><br />2. Could leaving the complaint unresolved erode the relationship with the other person over time?<br /><br />3. Do you find yourself thinking about the issue frequently? Has it nagged at you over time?<br /><br />4. Is the frustration, hurt, or disappointment you feel about the issue substantial? <br /><br />5. Would resolving the complaint improve your quality of life?<br /><br />6. Would resolving the complaint improve your mood in the short or long term? (then it's worth dealing with)<br /><br />7. Does leaving the complaint unresolved make you feel powerless and helpless?Staff2012-06-28T07:00:00ZComparing Yourself to OthersStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Comparing-Yourself-to-Others/286795643084118959.html2012-06-27T07:00:00Z2012-06-27T07:00:00Z<p>A talk show host I know used to respond to callers who asked him how he was doing by saying, "Better than some, not as good as others." I thought that was wonderful. That's the truth around the world: we assess where we're at by comparing ourselves to others. But the problem we each have is that we're always comparing apples and oranges. For example, you can't compare yourself to someone just because he or she is the same age since his or her journey from zero to this point has been very different from yours.<br /><br />As a general rule, comparing yourself to others is a bad idea - a seriously bad idea. It makes you either arrogant or unhappy. Those are your only options. Of course, there's the exception that you're comparing yourself to someone else in the hope of emulating whatever traits you're inspired by, but that's not typical. What's more typical is envy. <br /><br />I remember I had one person in therapy on and off for about a decade. She was extremely intelligent, but spent much of her life acting like a total ding-a-ling. One evening session, she was in a bad mood and started pacing in my office. She kept looking at my diplomas, licenses, and other stuff I'd hung on my wall to impress people and make them know I was actually "for real." Then she stopped and said, "I am the same damn age as you and look at all these. I will never catch up to you!" <br /><br />I looked at her and replied, "Catch up to me? You're not on the same path. You're on an entirely different path and yours started from a deep hole" (don't even ask me about her childhood; that was the deep hole). I said, "I didn't start from a very deep hole, and I didn't have to climb out. So, comparing us makes no sense." <br /><br />"But still -" <br /><br />"There is no 'but still,'" I said. "We each have our own path in life - our own, unique life path. You have to respect yours, and I have to respect mine. I cannot, nor can you, judge your own life path based on where somebody else is at any particular moment. A path is a long line. A moment is a dot. You can't compare long lines to dots." <br /><br />So, how do you get through envious or jealous moments? <br /><br />Be gracious. You've heard me say a zillion and 3/4 times on this program the best way to handle agitated feelings about people is to be nice to them. They may deserve it, they may not, but it's better for your heart and intestines that you do. <br /><br />Also, keep in mind externals are not a very good measure of worth. I'm more interested in people who have a really deep, good heart than a fancy car, jewelry or a house. That's what I value. If you're going to be envious at all, envy somebody for his or her inner beauty.<br /><br />Lastly, remember that while you're being envious of somebody, someone else is probably looking at you and having that same fit of envy. Everybody's got some natural talents, abilities and gifts, and there's always going to be somebody saying, "Gee, I wish I had it like she/he does..." <br /><br />And that's the irony of the whole thing. </p>Staff2012-06-27T07:00:00ZHow to End a RelationshipStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-End-a-Relationship/384153749143804434.html2012-06-25T14:24:00Z2012-06-25T14:24:00Z<p><br />Have you ever been dumped? Was it done cruelly? Crazily? Compassionately? </p>
<p><em>Being dumped is one of the more devastating things to happen in life.</em> Although there is no way to totally alleviate the pain, if you are going to end a relationship with someone you have to remember you once cared about him or her. </p>
<p>Here are some basic tips on how you ought to approach ending a relationship. </p>
<p>Your first thought should be: <strong>Am I sure I want to do this? </strong> Breakups should not be done when you're ferociously emotional. In addition, you should not use the breakup as a threat - i.e. "I'm going to leave you," or "I'm going to divorce you." The last thing you want to do is keep yo-yoing somebody around. </p>
<p><strong>Don't make the decision in anger.</strong> You'll say certain things you'll either regret or don't mean in the first place. If you're really angry, just tell him or her, "I'm losing it right now, and I'm probably going to say things I'm going to regret. I need to take a little time, and we can continue talking about this when I'm calmer." During the breathing period, you can talk to your parents, a minister or counselor, and/or a really good friend who is not just automatically going to side with you. </p>
<p><strong>Choose your timing well.</strong> Don't end a relationship with somebody while he or she is sick (unless it's chronic and he or she will be ill forever) or has a big exam or project at work. You can wait. Also, wait for privacy. You don't need an audience for this.</p>
<p><strong>Don't be wishy-washy.</strong> You have to be definitive, clear and final. If you think you're being nicer and letting him or her down easier by being wishy-washy, you're not. All you're doing is driving that person crazy. He or she doesn't need all the drama -- the cycle of escalation and deflation. So don't be overly dramatic. Just say, "I've made this decision," and then stick to it. Don't be a patsy. </p>
<p><strong>Prepare for the worst. </strong> Your ex is going to be angry, shocked and panicked. If he or she starts escalating the situation, you have to remove yourself. Say that you'll call later when you're both calmer, and you don't want the relationship to end with you two screaming at each other. </p>
<p>If you're breaking up with someone because that person is dangerous, violent or incredibly manipulative, don't let him or her manipulate you out of your position. Remember that's why you're leaving in the first place! If he or she says, "I'm going to kill myself if you leave," you should call 911, a relative, or a friend. But don't be manipulated. </p>
<p><strong>Be honest.</strong> If he or she asks you questions, answer them. Be kind, but be honest. Don't go through a 15-page list of why you're breaking things off. Don't give a million details. Don't argue or try to prove yourself. That's just mean and trite. Boil it down to what I call the essential problem. Just say, "We've had so many experiences together, but I've realized that we're not compatible in ways that are important to me. Our values and ideals, what we want and enjoy in life, and what we expect from each other are just not in sync." That covers territory without condemnation.</p>
<p><strong>Don't try to stay friends. </strong> Frankly, you're not friends, and you can't go back to being friends. When your ex asks to remain friends, he or she is expressing a desire to hold on to you. He or she is always going to want back what you're taking away. You really can't keep going through the death throes again and again. </p>
<p>So, if you really are going to break up with someone, do it with class, do it with dignity, and do it with respect. Don't screw around on somebody beforehand, don't ignore them, and don't play terrible games. Otherwise, you're a creep.</p>Staff2012-06-25T14:24:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-300177327471171202.html2012-06-22T19:20:00Z2012-06-22T19:20:00Z<p>Fear less, hope more;<br />Eat less, chew more;<br />Whine less, breathe more;<br />Talk less, say more;<br />Hate less, love more, <br />And all good things will be yours.<br /> - Swedish proverb<br /><br /><em><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/sunset_arkansas_river.jpg" alt="All good things...." width="462" height="260" /></em></p>Staff2012-06-22T19:20:00ZWhy It's Important to Eat with Your KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Its-Important-to-Eat-with-Your-Kids/804021677342160862.html2012-06-19T07:00:00Z2012-06-19T07:00:00ZSome years back, I remember a television actor making a public service announcement suggesting that parents have dinner with their kids maybe once or twice a week. I was flabbergasted - there actually had to be a public service announcement to tell people this?! <br /><br />Then I realized that in our society, we probably do. The notion of mommies and daddies, home and hearth, and meals with your own kids are becoming less and less the portrait of America. <br /><br />According to a <a href="http://www.menuplanningcentral.com/articles/family-dinner.html" target="_blank">study</a>, "The average parent spends 38.5 minutes per week in meaningful conversation with his or her child." <br /><br />Let me repeat that: <em>Only 38.5 minutes in an entire week!</em><br /><br />By simply eating dinner together each night and making an effort to talk to your kids, you can quadruple that number. You'll get to know your kids. Isn't that the point of having a family? <br /><br />According to Harvard research, "Family dinners are more important than play, story time, and other family events in the development of a child's vocabulary." The dinner table is the social center of families, so it is no wonder that's where our kids learn to talk. It gives them "real live" demos and practice in speech and social interactions.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.mealsmatter.org/Articles-And-Resources/Healthy-Living-Articles/Family-Meals.aspx" target="_blank">Archives of <em>Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine</em></a> show that frequent family meals are associated with "a lower risk of smoking, drinking, pot use, depressive symptoms, and suicidal thoughts. Kids between the ages of 11 and 18 also get better grades." Wow. All of that is helped just by having dinner every night with your kids?!<br /><br />The archives also reveal that family meals are "related to better nutritional intake and decreased risk for unhealthy weight control practices. Families eating meals together 'every day' generally consume higher amounts of important nutrients [such as] calcium, fiber, iron, vitamins B6, B12, C, and E, and consume less overall fat compared to families who 'never' or 'only sometimes' eat meals together." This is probably because mommy cooked dinner. <br /><br />Additionally, The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University found that "the more often teenagers have dinner with their parents, the less time they spend with boyfriends or girlfriends, and the less they are going to be sexually active." Not only do your kids have less time to hang out, but having a really good relationship with you makes them less likely to search for closeness by becoming sexually active. This is why you see a lot of young sexual activity in divorced families where mommy decided she didn't need a man.<br /><br />A study conducted by the University of Minnesota also showed that "adolescent girls who have frequent family meals, and a positive atmosphere during those meals, are less likely to have eating disorders." When I read that, I couldn't help but be reminded of my own family. During my last couple years of high school, I went down the anorexia path. We had dinner every night as a family, but it was a nightmare because my mom and dad were always angry about something. The atmosphere at dinner was not pleasant. So, it's not just <em>being</em> at home that makes the difference. You have to make family dinners a good experience. <br /><br />Another <a href="http://www.casacolumbia.org/upload/2011/2011922familydinnersVII.pdf" target="_blank">survey</a> asked kids, "What's the most important part of the dinner?" What do you think their answers were? The food? No! 54 percent said the important part of dinner was sharing, catching up, talking, and interacting. <br /><br />The surveyors also asked teens, "Would you say your parents regularly make time to check-in with you and find out what's happening with you or not?" Compared to teens who have frequent family dinners, teens who have infrequent family dinners were almost two-and-a-half times more likely to report that their parents don't bother to check-in with them. Teens who have frequent family dinners are twice as likely to spend 21 hours or more per week (an average of at least 3 hours per day) with their parents.<br /><br />The bottom line? Your family structure and dynamic affects your kids, especially at dinnertime. <br />Staff2012-06-19T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/663537290413657787.html2012-06-15T18:19:00Z2012-06-15T18:19:00Z<p><em>My dear father! When I remember him, it is always with his arms open wide to love and comfort me.</em><br /> - Isobel Field<br /> 1858-1953<br /> step-daughter of Robert Louis Stevenson<br /><br /><em><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/dad_holding_daughter.jpg" alt="In Daddy's arms" width="297" height="404" /></em></p>Staff2012-06-15T18:19:00ZGetting Rid of a Toxic FriendStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Getting-Rid-of-a-Toxic-Friend/285811869532817787.html2012-06-13T07:00:00Z2012-06-13T07:00:00ZAccording to a <a href="http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/44205822/ns/today-today_health/t/toxic-friends-people-endure-poisonous-pals/" target="_blank">new survey</a>, 84 percent of women and 75 percent of men say they've had a bad friend at some time in their lives. On top of that, 83 percent of both men and women say they have held onto a friendship longer than it was healthy. <br /><br />Why is it so hard to dump a bad friend? <br /><br />People keep toxic friends for the same reason they stay in all kinds of relationships: There is something in the friendship they don't want to lose. They find something about it compelling, familiar, and/or comfortable. <br /><br />Essentially, they are afraid of the consequences. They are afraid of what will happen, or they think the friend might turn on them and things will get even uglier, or not having very high standards, they just don't really want to let go because they think it will be OK. <br /><br />My standards for a friend are very, very, very high. He or she has to be a really decent person. I have friends of all different religions, sexual orientations, ethnicities, personalities, and genders. The commonality amongst them is that they are decent people. That is where I put the bar. If I know someone is not a decent person, then I'm not interested. <br /><br />You know when friends aren't friends. They take, you give. There's no balance. They do not accept who you are. They betray you, they're negative, they have no respect, and they're ultra-critical with digs, put-downs, and sarcasm. They diminish you so they feel better. It's pathetic how vicious some people can be. <br /><br />But do you know what? People who are really crappy human beings somehow still have friends! It's either because birds of a feather flock together, or it's because some people are OK being friends with a crappy person as long as the crap isn't turned on them. <br /><br />So many times on my program, this has been heard: <br /> <br /> <strong>Caller:</strong> "I'm just stunned they did this to me." <br /><br /> <strong>Me:</strong> "Were they doing it to other people?" <br /><br /> <strong>Caller:</strong> "Well, yeah, but I'm really stunned they did it to me. I thought we were friends." <br /><br /> <strong>Me:</strong> "Have they done that before?" <br /><br /> <strong>Caller:</strong> "Well, yes, but I thought this time...." <br /><br />It doesn't pay to play blind. If you are friends with someone who is indecent, it is eventually going to splatter. <br /><br />Some friends just bring out the worst in you. When you're trying to take care of your health and not eat or drink as much, they're the ones who drag you down. They say, "This is not necessary, let's go have coffee and cake," or "Let's go have a drink." It makes you so aggravated you either become withdrawn or ferocious. <br /><br />Other friends always disappoint you. They don't do what they said they were going to in the way they said they were going to do it. And each time you just say, "Well, stuff happens. I'll get over it." But they do this because they don't like or respect you, your spouse, your kids, and/or your family. There may be some legitimate issues with them, but usually they are just insecure, jealous, or mean. <br /><br />So, how should you break it off with a toxic friend? <br /><br />My suggestion is you have an honest conversation with him or her. Just say that these things typically happen. Say you've gotten tired of him or her, you've lost interest in the relationship because it hasn't changed, or that he or she has hurt you. Suggest the two of you take a break and after some period of time, see how you both feel about it. That leaves the door open for the person to do a little bit of soul searching. He or she probably won't, but at least you're not coming down with a hammer. <br /><br />If you really don't want to interact, it's probably best to click delete on their messages whenever possible and do not respond to protestations or attacks on you out of defensiveness. <br /><br />Life is very short. If people aren't decent, kind, accountable, responsible, or responsive, man up and get rid of them. Put your time, energy, and sweat into becoming a better person and having better people in your life. If you don't do this, your life will not be as good as it could have been. Besides, the friendship is probably going to end someday anyway. <br /><br />Here's a list of <a href="http://www.yourtango.com/201167022/12-types-friends-you-should-break" target="_blank">"12 Types of Friends You Should Break Up With" </a><br />Staff2012-06-13T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-688544473474001696.html2012-06-08T21:29:00Z2012-06-08T21:29:00Z<p><em>When someone does something good, applaud!</em><br /><em>You will make two people happy.</em><br /> - Samuel Goldwyn<br /> 1879 - 1974<br /> American film producer<em><br /></em><em><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/clapping_man.jpg" alt="Applause!" width="329" height="365" /></em></p>Staff2012-06-08T21:29:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/317987235587959375.html2012-06-01T15:21:00Z2012-06-01T15:21:00Z<p><em>The reason so many people never get anywhere in life is because when opportunity knocks, they are out in the backyard looking for four-leaf clovers.<br /></em> - Walter P. Chrysler<br /> 1875-1940<br /> American auto industry executive<br /> Founder of the Chrysler Corporation<br /><em><br /><br /></em><em><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/opportunity_door.jpg" alt="Opportunity Knocks" width="332" height="302" /></em></p>Staff2012-06-01T15:21:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/91421275849107529.html2012-05-25T21:40:00Z2012-05-25T21:40:00Z<p><em>To stand upon the ramparts and die for our principles is heroic, but to sally forth to battle and win for our principles is something more than heroic.</em><br /> - Franklin Delano Roosevelt<br /> 1882-1945<br /> 32nd President of the United States<br /> 1933-1945</p>
<p>Monday, May 28 is Memorial Day. Please remember the fallen men and women who served our country.</p>
<p><em><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/memorial_day_12.jpg" alt="Memorial Day" width="425" height="282" /></em></p>Staff2012-05-25T21:40:00ZDNA Is Not The Magic AnswerStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/DNA-Is-Not-The-Magic-Answer/-458053016632997252.html2012-05-24T07:00:00Z2012-05-24T07:00:00ZI hear an awful lot from people (especially those tracking down a sperm or egg donor) who are interested in finding out about their DNA, thinking that their DNA would tell them something about their health. But that's a bogus supposition.<br /><br />Even if we take your DNA and if every aspect of your DNA was known, the question is:<em> "would it be possible to predict the diseases in your future? Could that knowledge be used to forestall the otherwise inevitable?</em>" According to an <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/03/health/research/dnas-power-to-predict-is-limited-study-finds.html" target="_blank">important article </a>in <em>The New York Times</em>, the answer is: <em>"No."</em><br /><br />While sequencing your entire DNA is proving very useful in understanding diseases and finding treatments, it is not a method that will predict your medical future. You know why? There are other issues involved. It's not the only variable.<br /><br />And this new study from twins in five different countries concludes, it is not going to be possible to say that, for example, Type 2 diabetes will occur with absolute certainty unless a person keeps a normal weight, or that colon cancer is a foregone conclusion without frequent screening and a removal of polyps. Conversely, it will not be possible to tell some people that they can ignore all the advice about, for example, preventing a heart attack because they will never get one. According to their DNA they can still get one.<br /><br />It turns out, even when they find DNA which would indicate a "Whoops! You have a gene for _____," most people will still be at an average risk for one of more than 20 diseases. Their risk is like the general population, even <em>with</em> the gene. Isn't that interesting?<br /><br />There was one positive finding (positive - not in a good way): <em>"...as many as 90 percent of people would learn that they are at high risk of getting at least one disease and the gene sequencing could, in theory at least, identify as many as 75 percent of those who would develop Alzheimer's."</em><br /><br />The reason for all this is there is behavior, there is environment and there are random events. I have a friend who, sadly, is struggling from lung cancer. Nice, healthy, good environment, good diet, never smoked, not around smokers - yet she has lung cancer. There is a huge issue that comes under the category of "randomness," i.e. bad luck.<br /><br />So if you do a whole genetic analysis of yourself, we can look at some things you might want to be more concerned with and maybe make sure you keep your fat level low, your exercise level up, but none of it, in general, determines anything.<br /><br /><em>"The real benefit of studying your genes is not to predict your future medically, but to understand how diseases occur and how to use that knowledge to develop better therapies."</em> That's just the reality. So do not come to me and tell me you want to go back through generations to find out if anybody had a disease because it doesn't necessarily have a damned thing to do with you. <br />Staff2012-05-24T07:00:00ZU.S. Youth: Working Hard or Hardly Working?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/U.S.-Youth:--Working-Hard-or-Hardly-Working/-831576423153136647.html2012-05-23T16:53:00Z2012-05-23T16:53:00Z<p>As graduation season kicks off and summer approaches, I've been seeing a lot of articles about kids being too busy for summer jobs. </p>
<p>A recent <a href="http://ideas.time.com/2012/05/01/too-busy-for-a-summer-job-why-americas-youth-lacks-basic-worth-skills/?iid=op-main-lede?xid%3Dgonewsedit&google_editors_picks=true#ixzz1uaLMEqT4" target="_blank"><em>Time</em> magazine article</a> reports,</p>
<blockquote>
<p>"It was once common to see teenagers mowing lawns, waiting tables, digging ditches and bagging groceries for modest wages in the long summer months. Summer employment was a social equalizer, allowing both affluent and financially strapped teenagers to gain a foothold on adulthood, learning the virtues of hard work, respect and teamwork in a relatively low-stakes atmosphere. But youth employment has declined precipitously over the years, and young people are losing a chance to develop these important life skills in the process."</p>
</blockquote>
<p>The article goes on to say "more than 50 percent of the nation's young workforce has never held a basic, paying job. We may be postponing their entry into adulthood."</p>
<p>As the article makes clear, our kids are not prepared for the real world. They lack the necessary skills to move up the professional ladder: perseverance, flexibility, humility, and commitment. </p>
<p>One reason they don't know about commitment is that "shack-ups" have increased. Our kids haven't learned about humility because we live in an environment where parents sue their school if their kid doesn't get an "A," or wasn't chosen to be on the football or basketball team. How can children learn humility when their failures are elevated to jurisprudence concepts? </p>
<p>It's basically the elders who are responsible for our kids' incompetence. It's grownups who don't make their kids learn values or appropriate expectations. They don't teach them how to take advantage of opportunities. We do a lousy job of getting our kids ready for the real world because we're teaching them their esteem is more important than their effort.</p>
<p>In addition, a <a href="http://www.p21.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=250&Itemid=64" target="_blank">survey</a> conducted by the Corporate Voices for Working Families found that</p>
<blockquote>
<p>"nearly three-quarters of survey participants (70 percent) cite deficiencies among incoming high school graduates in 'applied' skills, such as professionalism and work ethic, defined as 'demonstrating personal accountability, effective work habits, e.g. punctuality, working productively with others, time and workload management.' More than 40 percent of surveyed employers say incoming high school graduates hired are deficiently prepared for the entry-level jobs they fill. The report finds that recent high school graduates lack the basic skills in reading comprehension, writing and math, which many respondents say were needed for successful job performance."</p>
</blockquote>
<p>I guess if you've spent your time sexting and playing video games, you're not going to be good in reading comprehension, writing, and math. </p>
<p>The study also found that nearly three-quarters of incoming high school graduates are viewed as not being able to use reasonable grammar and spelling. Their written communication is horrible, and they can't write memos, letters, or complex technical reports. </p>
<p>Critical thinking, problem solving, and the ability to express oneself are no longer being taught in school. Do you know why? Because we have women's studies, Black studies, Hispanic studies, purple studies, green studies, etc. We have all kinds of studies for advocacy groups which have no place in our basic education system. These studies should all be extracurricular subjects and should have no relevance to graduating with a degree. If you haven't read the classics and you haven't thought through profound concepts and essays, then you're not educated. All these studies simply involve being angry about something and putting your fist in the air. This is why our ranking in science and math is below a lot of third world countries. We should be number one. </p>
<p>These are just some of the many things bothering employers these days, but it mainly comes down to this: they're dealing with snot-nosed upstarts with a sense of entitlement. </p>
<p>For more on this topic, here is a link to some <a href="http://www.quintcareers.com/job_skills_values.html" target="_blank">skills most sought after</a> by employers.</p>Staff2012-05-23T16:53:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/358342117719601886.html2012-05-18T22:15:00Z2012-05-18T22:15:00Z<p><em>Armed Forces Day, above all, honors the dedicated individuals who wear the uniforms of their country....The task of each one is the task of all the Armed Forces: to protect the freedoms which underlie the greatness of America.</em><br /> - General Earle G. Wheeler<br /> 1908-1975<br /> Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff<br /> 1964-1970</p>
<p>Saturday, May 19 is Armed Forces Day</p>
<p><em><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/us_flag.jpg" alt="Armed Forces Day" width="404" height="304" /></em></p>Staff2012-05-18T22:15:00ZCaretaker BurnoutStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Caretaker-Burnout/-371130032621498325.html2012-05-16T14:17:00Z2012-05-16T14:17:00Z<p>I get many calls these days about people caretaking for family members. It's a difficult and incredibly impactful service. About 65 percent of older people with long-term needs rely exclusively on family and friends, and another 30 percent will supplement family care with paid providers and, perhaps at some point, hospice.</p>
<p><em>Psychology Today</em> published an <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-caregivers-handbook/201204/man-the-fixer-woman-the-nurturer-the-caregiving-gender-gap" target="_blank">interesting article</a> examining the differences between male and female caregivers. It applies what I've said all along regarding the caregiving realm: men and women are different.</p>
<p>Women provide the majority of care to their spouses, parents, friends, and neighbors. Biologically, women are the nurturers, so their caregiving role is more natural. They wear many hats -- the hands-on health provider, care manager, friend, companion, surrogate, decision maker, and/or advocate. Because nurturing is viewed as their natural role, women are expected to be caregivers and are often not very appreciated. People are less likely to offer a woman help than a man because they don't expect him to be able to change diapers, wash clothes, or cook.</p>
<p>Men, on the other hand, are generally the providers, protectors, and fixer-uppers. That's their biological programming. Therefore, men see caretaking as a task, and the illness as something to fix. And when they can't fix it, they feel like failures, which leads them to depression. So, men really need help to understand that they are not failures because they can't fix the people they're caring for.</p>
<p>With this in mind, you can see why divorce rates are much higher when a wife is sick. Basically speaking, men don't handle the caretaking role as well. We've all heard stories of men in positions of political power who abandon or fool around on their wives who are seriously ill. </p>
<p>Unlike men, women like to talk about stress. Men get a lot of relief by not talking. Instead, they do guy stuff - e.g. going out and playing golf for two hours. That's what really helps them let go of stress. </p>
<p><strong>Caregiving Burnout</strong><br />Whether you're a male or female caregiver, there are <a href="http://www.alwaysbestcare.com/landing-pages/preventing-caregiver-burnout" target="_blank">common warning signs</a> you're burnt out:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">* You don't have as much energy <br />* You catch every cold or flu that's going around <br />* You're constantly exhausted even after you've slept <br />* You start neglecting your own needs, either because you're too busy or you just don't care anymore <br />* Your whole life revolves around caregiving, and you find absolutely no other satisfaction <br />* You can't relax, even when help appears <br />* You get increasingly impatient and irritable with the person you're caretaking <br />* You feel overwhelmed, helpless, and hopeless</p>
<p>You burn out as a caretaker when you're trying to take on all the responsibilities of caregiving on your own. You're not taking breaks or getting assistance. And it's really tough to yank yourself back from a burnout. </p>
<p>So, when you start feeling the symptoms, it's time to <em>take some action and get more help</em>. You need to find somebody to take care of the paperwork and the yard, or find someone to come over and cook. You need to bring in other people. Whether they're volunteers, paid helpers, family, or friends taking turns, you're going to need help. If you try to take it all on yourself, you'll make yourself emotionally and physically sick, and you won't even be at your best for the person you're trying to help.</p>Staff2012-05-16T14:17:00ZMy Mother's Day Adventure 2012Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/My-Mothers-Day-Adventure-2012/538920949678052516.html2012-05-14T18:52:00Z2012-05-14T18:52:00Z<span class="blogheader">I wanted an "adventure" - not a Mother's Day Brunch – and did I ever get one. Deryk took me on an almost four hour hike from 2600 up a mountain down to a river – all switch back. First half downhill…last half – you guessed it: torture!!! It was mentally challenging to face the amount of difficulty...however...I AM SO PROUD I MADE IT!! We then went out with Dad to lunch and ate up a storm. Then I went home, took a shower, got hot tea and fell asleep watching a movie on Apple TV. Great Mother's Day!!!<br /></span><br />
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<p>However, at this point in my life, I think it's funny so much of this person's existence revolves around being ferocious toward me. Nonetheless, most of you are not at that stage.</p>
<p>We all know what mean people are like -- they gossip about you to others, ignore you, say hurtful things, break or steal your stuff, belittle you, set you up to get into trouble for something you didn't say or do, call you names, imply you're not as clever, good-looking, well connected, valuable or nice as they are, intimidate you, leave unfriendly or unkind messages about you on social media sites, and break promises they swore they'd keep.</p>
<p>Yet, people don't seem to want to accept some people are just plain mean. Remember The Hillside Strangler during the 1970s? They molested, tortured, and murdered women, and then scattered their body parts around. I remember the psychiatrists (the "whores of the court") coming out of the woodwork during the trial saying The Strangler must have been crazy. But, I also remember one female psychiatrist's interview in a long documentary about the case. When asked about The Strangler, she said, "All I can tell you is some people are just evil." That's what people don't wish to accept - they want to make evil an illness that they can fix. They think if they can fix it, then a) they won't have to face the mean people in their own lives, and b) they feel in control - i.e. if you can fix someone with pills, you have control over him or her. </p>
<p>Therefore, evil does not exist for a lot of people. Evil is just something that needs fixing. But I'm here to tell you evil is NOT a psychiatric illness. People who put other people in ovens and gas showers, shoot or burn their fellow man, or throw babies up in the air for target practice are evil!</p>
<p>If you've been dealing with a mean person at work, in your neighborhood, in your club, or in your family, the best way of handling that person is to not go up against him or her. You can't win. You're unequipped to deal with a mean person unless you're equally bad. Mean people have no rules and no limits. You do. Try to avoid contact with the person. If you've tried to sort things out and he or she decides to keep being mean, there isn't much you can do to influence or change his or her mind. If this person actually hates you or feels like he or she can't lose face by dawning a different attitude, you don't have to put up with it. Remove yourself. Don't listen to his or her taunts, don't read the crap he or she writes about you, and don't have any connection to his or her spiteful attitude. Let this person know you're not going to tolerate it and make a clean cut. Even the meanest person may get bored when his or her target stops responding. </p>
<p>I remember one <em>Star Trek</em> episode (from the original series, which I still think was the best) where a hazy, dusty force took over the Starship Enterprise and caused the crew to get mean and fight with each other. The crew tried to kill it, confront it, and reason with it, but to no avail. Finally, somebody figured out the haze was a force that ate anger and used it as energy to get bigger and stronger. To stop the force, Captain Kirk got on the intercom and told the crew that no matter how much anger they all felt, they should all laugh and hug. The thing shriveled up and went away.</p>
<p>I thought the episode offered a nice parallel to how we should approach meanness. Similar to the Enterprise crew, no matter how much we try to confront or reason with meanness, we can't. Some people simply need to be mean to feel better about themselves. And there are people like that all over the world. </p>
<p>My advice? Just get out of their way. Don't take it personally. Unfortunately, karma won't always kick in and nothing bad necessarily will happen to them. In fact, sometimes they lead long and financially successful lives. That may be hard to swallow, but the quality of your life is more important. </p>
<p>So laugh. Throw your head back and laugh. Let them pound sand and not you.</p>Staff2012-05-14T14:09:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-414366787806438095.html2012-05-11T19:28:00Z2012-05-11T19:28:00Z<p><em>A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dates all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.</em><br /> - Agatha Christie<br /> 1890-1976<br /> British crime writer<br /> From the short story "<em>The Last Séance</em>"<br /><br /><em><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/agatha_christie.jpg" alt="Agatha Christie" width="340" height="340" /></em></p>Staff2012-05-11T19:28:00ZThe Cost of NOT Staying At HomeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Cost-of-NOT-Staying-At-Home/-123028437692261960.html2012-05-10T22:32:00Z2012-05-10T22:32:00Z<p>We all know the costs of moms not staying at home with their kids. But did you know it literally costs <em><strong>more</strong></em> for moms to work?</p>
<p>After factoring in the rising costs of child care, gas, wear and tear on the car, parking, and other work-related expenses (clothes, food, etc.), a growing number of mothers are figuring out it doesn't pay to have a job. </p>
<p>In a <a href="http://money.cnn.com/2012/04/18/pf/moms-work/index.htm?hpt=hp_c1" target="_blank">CNN article</a>, a third-grade teacher making about $48,000 a year in the Fairfax, Virginia public school system was shadowed. Out of the $48,000 she earned, she brought home about $30,000 after taxes, health insurance, and retirement contributions. Even though she lives in Virginia, where child care costs are among the lowest in the country, care for the child would have cost $12,000 a year - nearly half of her before-tax income.</p>
<p>She says, <em>"It wasn't worth $18,000 for us to let somebody else raise our son."</em> So I thought, "Well what amount of money would make it worth it to have somebody else raise your kid?" </p>
<p>The Pew Research Center also <a href="http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2012/04/13/women-work-and-motherhood/?src=prc-headline" target="_blank">conducted a study</a> on the public attitude about stay-at-home moms. According to it, when motherhood and children are brought into the debate, there is an ongoing ambivalence about what is best for society. Oh my gosh! Imagine thinking of the greater good. Only 21 percent of adults think the trend toward mothers of young children working outside the home has been a good thing for society. Personally, I'm sad that the response was as large as 21 percent, but it's still small. On the other hand, 37 percent of the people surveyed said being a working mom is a bad thing, and 38 percent were not sure it makes a difference. </p>
<p>The study goes on to say, most working mothers (62%) prefer to only work part time, and only 37% say they prefer full-time work. That's scary...a third of those children have mothers who would rather be away from them all day. And finally, only one-in-ten moms say having a mother who works full time is the ideal situation for a child. Do you realize they took ten mothers and asked each of them, "If you work full time, is that ideal for your kid?" And one of them actually said, "Yeah." I wonder what motivated that, because I've always said not everybody's a great mom. If you're not a good mom the kid might be better off with somebody else. It is possible. </p>
<p>But then I asked my listeners to describe "Aha!" moments they had about being stay-at-home moms. Here are just three of the responses... </p>
<blockquote>
<p>Heidi wrote:<br /><em>"My 'Aha!' moment happened rather quickly when I became a mom for the first time. I was open to returning to work and didn't know how I was going to feel after giving birth. But when they put my daughter in my arms for the very first time, I looked at her, felt her tiny little body against mine, and said to my husband, 'I'm never going back to work!' Within those first few seconds of holding my daughter, a rush of future moments overwhelmed all my senses. I didn't want anyone besides this beautiful baby's mommy and daddy to care for her. I didn't want a nanny to call me when she took her first steps. I didn't want a text from someone other than her daddy telling me she ate carrots for the first time. I didn't want to learn via email my child could swing all by herself at the park. I didn't want a video sent to my cell phone watching her speak her first words or hear her first real giggles. I didn't want a Picture Mail of my child's first smile after losing her first tooth. No, I wanted to be there for every possible moment in her life. What job or amount of money would be worth missing all of that? I'm happy to say after 6 years with two children and a grateful husband who not only loves my choice but also respects my choice (as so few do) of staying at home to raise our children, I still stay at home! Thank God I had my 'Aha!' moment so quickly. Otherwise I would have missed out on the one thing that matters most in life: being a real and present mother who has enough videos and pictures to fill a thousand albums that were all taken by me! We all have regrets in our lives on what we should have or wished we would have done. I thank God that not being there for my children each and every day is not one of them."</em></p>
<p>Mayi wrote:<br /><em>"When I started staying home with my children, I was surprised to find out how much I didn't value my position as a mother. I found out I only get to be mommy once and time was valuable. I learned I could live on a lot less than I originally believed. I learned I like teaching (as they were my first students). I learned I only get one shot at being an awesome mom. I learned how to love and appreciate myself as a woman with an important job. I learned how to budget and sacrifice, and I began to connect with and honor other mothers. I have learned how to be creative, work, and study from home, and I have learned how to organize and plan. I know the bond we have created will never be broken. And I learned as long as I put God first, He will lead and direct me down the correct path and continue to make me an awesome mom and wife."</em></p>
<p>And Jane: <br /><em>"I have my stay-at-home parent 'Aha!' moment almost daily when I pick my daughters up from school. I see the other kids who come out from their classes to emerge into the quad or parking lot area only to look for their 'after school program' bus/van, and they have this look of sadness when they see children like mine, who have their mom there to greet them with a hug, kiss, and a smile once they come running out of their classroom. It would break my heart if I was not able to be there like I am for my girls. Yes, we don't have the luxuries like the other kids do of going to Disneyland once a year, video game systems, or designer clothes/shoes, but we are happy with what we have and what we can do. I love my two girls, and I wouldn't change being a stay-at-home mom for anything!"</em></p>
</blockquote>Staff2012-05-10T22:32:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/958555994532401859.html2012-05-04T19:15:00Z2012-05-04T19:15:00Z<p><em>Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.</em><br /> - Anne Frank<br /> 1929 - 1945<br /> Jewish victim of the Holocaust<br /> Author, <em>The Diary of a Young Girl <br /><br /><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/anne_frank.jpg" alt="Anne Frank" width="256" height="270" /></em></p>Staff2012-05-04T19:15:00ZMy Final Visit With My Friend KarenStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/My-Final-Visit-With-My-Friend-Karen/-695400273245689281.html2012-04-26T14:51:00Z2012-04-26T14:51:00Z<p>I want to talk about my friend Karen, who is in the last stages of cancer. I went to visit her this weekend and got to see how a woman who is suffering still has class. While I was there, the family showed me a tape of Karen. In the video, Karen was receiving an award for Employee of the Year at the South Carolina Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV), and she was being interviewed about the award. Now, you're probably thinking, "the DMV?" Most of you get very aggravated with the DMV - the waiting in lines, the rules, not feeling like you're being helped, etc. But until Karen came down with cancer, she hadn't missed a day of work in decades.</p>
<p>Just before receiving the award, Karen had a stroke and the interview was conducted while she was in the hospital. Some very big "mucky-mucks" came to see her - the head of the state DMV and the lieutenant governor - because it was such a big award. She was sitting in a wheelchair struggling to talk, and she was asked how she felt about getting the award. She said (and I'm paraphrasing - she said it much better), "I feel very honored. I and all of us here work very hard to serve the public. We do the best we can to be considerate and compassionate, and to do a complete job. That's our job. It's our responsibility; it's our obligation to serve. I enjoy serving the public, and I enjoy helping people. I've always been that way." </p>
<p>There she was, only 49 years old with terminal cancer and now a stroke, sitting there glowing with modesty and talking about our responsibility to serve well and with the right attitude. If even 5 percent of the people in this country actually do that, I'd be amazed. It just shows what kind of a person she is and what kind of a person we're losing.</p>
<p>I told her later, sitting by the side of her bed in her house, holding her hand, and wishing I had magic, that I was really impressed with her attitude. She's never been interviewed before and didn't know in advance what she'd be asked, but she just talked from her heart and said, "You know what? It doesn't matter what the economy is like. When you have a job, it's an honor to have that job, and you should do it to the best of your ability without resentment and without attitude. You should be grateful you have a job and understand the value of what you do to serve other people when you have that job."</p>
<p>Karen's words got me thinking: What if people had the same attitude about their families? What if they thought, "It's a blessing to be fortunate enough to be a member of this nice family; I'm going to honor that great fortune, and I'm going to do the best I can to serve the people in this family." </p>
<p>Unfortunately, most people only think about themselves. This is why I loved that line from John F. Kennedy, <em>"Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country."</em> It's a great concept. There are so many terms we can substitute for "country" in that phrase, and it still rings true. You could replace "country" with "job," "spouse," or "family." </p>
<p>So for the rest of my life, anything useful and wise I come up with on my program, I dedicate to Karen, one of the most decent, sweet, lovable people ever. Everybody in her family will tell you no one disliked her.</p>
<p>Think about that.</p>
<p>Do you know anybody who's liked by everybody? Karen's the only one I know. She is so genuinely generous. She's not one of those manipulative people-pleasers who uses people to get what she wants. Karen was created to give with a good attitude, even with terminal cancer and a stroke. There's just something special about her. If you're lucky enough to have a handful of friends anywhere near like that, it is a major gift from the heavens. Anybody who's around a person like that is changed forever. </p>Staff2012-04-26T14:51:00ZPregnant and SackedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Pregnant-and-Sacked/-907232388269012142.html2012-04-23T16:00:00Z2012-04-23T16:00:00Z<p>People feel entitled to challenge everything these days. Even if they've understood the rules and they're reaping the benefits, they decide they're above the system and the rules don't apply to them. They get lawyers, go public, and cause grief. These people make me sick. So when I recently read about the Christian school teacher who got knocked up out-of-wedlock and sued the school for firing her, I was disenchanted yet again. </p>
<p>Here's what happened: A 29-year-old science teacher and volleyball coach was fired from a Texas Christian academy for getting pregnant out-of-wedlock. She says she has a fiancé, and defends herself by saying, <em>"I'm not just some teacher that went out to a bar and got pregnant and went back to school saying it's okay. I was in a committed relationship the whole time and probably would have been married if things had gone differently and this would be a non-situation." </em></p>
<p>She's absolutely right. If she had done things the <strong><em>right</em></strong> way - went on a date, received a ring, got married, and <em>then</em> had babies - this wouldn't be happening. By the way, a committed relationship is called marriage, not shacking-up.</p>
<p>She then claimed she had no idea she would lose her job over the pregnancy. </p>
<p>What??</p>
<p>She teaches at a Christian school! If you want to live a free and easy life don't teach at a religious school. She wasn't fired because she wanted pregnancy leave. She was fired because she broke the moral rules of a Christian school and became a bad role model for little kids. And getting married at this point wouldn't work , because she's already knocked up out-of-wedlock and the kids all know. </p>
<p>The school's headmaster said she was fired for violating her contract, which includes a clause requiring teachers to be Christian role models. <em>"It's not that she's pregnant,"</em> the headmaster said, <em>"the issue here is being an unmarried mother. Everything we stand for says that we want our teachers, who we consider to be in the ministry, to model what every Christian man and woman should be."</em><br /> <br />I can't believe this twit has the gall to sue. If this had happened back in the day, she would have been ferociously embarrassed, kept her mouth shut, and gotten married 20 seconds after she took the little pee test showing she was pregnant, because her behavior would have been considered unbecoming a lady and unbecoming a teacher in a Christian school in particular. These days, if you don't tolerate something, no matter what it is, you're a bad person. In my opinion, how dare she sue.</p>Staff2012-04-23T16:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-571849423638943972.html2012-04-20T21:30:00Z2012-04-20T21:30:00Z<p><em>Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves. </em><br /> - John Muir<br /> Scottish-born American naturalist<br /> Advocate for wilderness preservation<br /> 1838 - 1914</p>
<p> </p>Staff2012-04-20T21:30:00ZThe Teenage MindStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Teenage-Mind/-226749097810415597.html2012-04-17T14:19:00Z2012-04-17T14:19:00Z<p>Many people call me all the time saying, "It's so great to have kids." And I joke with them, "Just wait until they're teenagers..." </p>
<p>What is the teenage issue? Well, there are a lot of changes happening in society and in our physiology which explains some of what happens with teenagers. Kids today reach puberty a lot earlier than they did in previous years. And they reach adulthood a lot later. It's amazing to me how many callers say, "I have a kid age 23, 24, 25, 27...etc. living at home and not doing anything." Plus, we never know why kids don't think something through. Somebody once said, "If you think of the teenage brain as a car, today's adolescents acquire an accelerator a long time before they can steer and know how to brake." </p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">* Puberty is kicking in earlier and earlier. A leading theory points to changes in energy balance - -as "Mother Laura" has said many times. <br /><br />* Kids are eating more and moving less. Weight gain seems to have something to do with kids entering puberty earlier. <br /> <br />* Children also come to take on adult roles later and later. Think about 500 years ago. Shakespeare knew the emotionally intense combination of teenage sexuality and risk taking could be tragic. Look at Romeo and Juliet. Had they not belonged to warring families, they probably would have gotten married at 13. </p>
<p>So what happens when kids reach puberty earlier and adulthood later? They have a lot more problems because they don't have an established identity as an adult. </p>
<p>Psychological and neurological systems need to develop in concert with each other. According to a recent study from Cornell University, emotion and motivation is tied in to the hormonal changes of puberty, and the areas of the brain that respond to rewards reveal adolescents aren't reckless because they underestimate the risks. Teenagers don't seem to have a neurological issue, but instead <strong><em>overestimate</em></strong> the rewards or find the rewards more rewarding than adults do. So, they will engage in behaviors with no hesitation and no breaks because the little "zing" is just everything - e.g. the incomparable intensity of puppy love. What teenagers want the most are <strong>social rewards</strong>. They want to be respected and liked by their peers. That's the built-in mechanism. </p>
<p>The second crucial system in the teenage brain has to do with controls. That's the system which inhibits impulses, guides you in decision making, and encourages long term planning. This system requires learning. And we don't do much of that. Think about what most teenagers do today. They mostly hang out...party...party some more...party a little bit more and after that, play video games and text -- they spend their lives doing anything but learning. </p>
<p>In the past, you had to practice gathering, hunting, cooking, and caregiving all the way from childhood to early adolescence in order to become a good hunter, gatherer, or caregiver. The part of the brain responsible for learning all this then gets wired appropriately for adult use. But today we don't have kids apprenticing at anything. We have them mostly playing all the way through childhood. We have very few kids working on a farm, working in stores, or working with their parents. Few kids are working anywhere. Very rarely is this seen anymore. We have prolonged childhood forever. </p>
<p>In contemporary life the two systems that have to do with control and risk taking are not worked on by experiences, because our kids aren't having any. Our kids are having very little experience with the kind of tasks they will have to perform as grownups. I remember when I was in middle school, I had classes where I learned to sew, type and cook. It didn't matter if I was going to do that for a living or not. Everyone had to learn these basic things. Guys went into shop classes and learned how to make things. We were teaching our children by experience to build things, to be patient through the process, and to apply themselves. We don't do those things anymore. Just think of the things we all grew up with that taught us to be responsible, control our impulses, and postpone our gratification. This was very important. Now our kids are getting into all kinds of trouble, and they are not able to function as young adults.</p>
<p>So, what do we do? </p>
<p>We have to start with our kids earlier. It's not just because we are "disciplining them and teaching them character." It's because their brains actually need this exercise in order to function in a mature way. They <strong><em>need</em></strong> it. Concretely, what we need to do is to stop babying our babies. They have to take on responsibility. That's why I think all 18 year olds should go in to the military. After spending two years in the military, they'll learn a lot about responsibility and controlling their impulses. I really like that in the Mormon religion; young people have to go on a mission someplace in the world to help others and perform tasks. They learn a tremendous amount, enrich their brains, teach themselves control, postpone gratification, and learn to solve problems. They don't just turn to mind altering chemicals.</p>
<p>For a more in-depth perspective, Alison Gopnik, professor of psychology at the University of California Berkley, wrote a good article in the <em>Wall Street Journal </em>called <a href="http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203806504577181351486558984.html" target="_blank">"What's Wrong With the Teenage Mind?"</a></p>Staff2012-04-17T14:19:00ZSaying 'No' to Your Husband's AdvancesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Saying-No-to-Your-Husbands-Advances/114027208578965870.html2012-04-03T21:49:00Z2012-04-03T21:49:00Z<p>In keeping a marriage strong, I stress the importance of wives paying attention to their amorous husbands. I was recently asked if there was EVER a time wives should decline their husbands' advances...<br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_profilepage&v=h-RAmOduAiA" target="_blank"><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; border-width: 0px;" src="/images/blog/sick_love_350p.jpg" alt="Watch: Saying 'No' to Your Husband's Advances" width="350" height="197" /></a><br />Read the <a href="/b/Saying-No-to-Your-Husbands-Advances/-872051302709341180.html">transcript<br /><br /></a>Or watch other videos at <a href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura" target="_blank">youtube.com/DrLaura</a></p>Staff2012-04-03T21:49:00ZCarol's Baby Blanket RewardStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Carols-Baby-Blanket-Reward/149772005898964205.html2012-02-23T17:02:00Z2012-02-23T17:02:00Z<p>UPDATE: Photos of Carol, her daughter and granddaughter:<br /><br />
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<p>Carol called in September needing help for her intense fear of leaving her home (agoraphobia) as she was missing out on her family. She had a daughter in Holland who was pregnant and due in January. Her agoraphobia also prohibited from getting a plane. <br /><br />I made a deal with her that if she went into specialized counseling for this issue, I would knit a yellow baby blanket for her grandchild. (<a href="http://fetch.noxsolutions.com/drlaura/drl_shows/3517409-20110913_c_carol.mp3">Listen to Carol's call.)<br /></a><br />Carol left us a voicemail recently to let us know the baby girl was born and she has booked tickets to go to Holland to meet her. She sent in her itinerary, including her seat number! This blanket is the "reward" for "Carol" in CT and since she's leaving soon - it's going in the mail today. </p>
<p>I am so proud of her.</p>
<p>I machine knitted the blanket with cotton/acrylic yarn. It is a fancy tuck stitch with needles "out of work" to create lattice effect. My friend, Martha, hand-crocheted the beautiful edging because I have no experience with crochet and she is the "queen" of crochet! She worked the edge while in bed recovering from three breaks in the bones above her foot - a good distraction!<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></p>Staff2012-02-23T17:02:00ZMy Daughter is Dating a Guy 21 Years her SeniorStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/My-Daughter-is-Dating-a-Guy-21-Years-her-Senior/672336447573791342.html2012-02-21T23:40:00Z2012-02-21T23:40:00Z<p>As a father, what do you say to a daughter who is dating a guy more than two decades older than she is?<br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura#p/u/0/WtxPpFf12kg" target="_blank"><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; border-width: 0px;" src="/images/blog/daughter_dating_21_350p.jpg" alt="Watch: My Daughter is Dating a Guy 21 Years her Senior" width="350" height="193" /></a><br />Read the <a href="/b/My-Daughter-is-Dating-a-Guy-21-Years-her-Senior/-223719405637649398.html">transcript<br /><br /></a>Or watch other videos at <a href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura" target="_blank">youtube.com/DrLaura</a></p>Staff2012-02-21T23:40:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-341806418019783134.html2012-02-17T22:51:00Z2012-02-17T22:51:00Z<p><em>First in war, first in peace, first in the hearts of his countrymen.<br /></em> - Henry "Light Horse Harry" Lee III<br /> 9th Governor of Virginia and<br /> Revolutionary War officer<br /> 1756 - 1818<br /> From his eulogy for George Washington, presented to Congress on<br /> December 26, 1799<br /><br /><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/george_w.jpg" alt="George Washington " width="419" height="286" /></p>Staff2012-02-17T22:51:00ZDad Shoots Daughter's LaptopStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dad-Shoots-Daughters-Laptop/-189951792729205861.html2012-02-16T20:57:00Z2012-02-16T20:57:00Z<p>You probably know about it or have seen the YouTube video that has millions, and millions of people viewing it -- probably again and again. This dad shot "dead" his teenage daughter's laptop. If you aren't aware of this video, watch it below; I think seeing the dad is important: he's a trim-looking, cowboyish-type dude. He looks like an easy going guy. And he had a cute hat on too. </p>
<p>I looked around on the TV shows to see what psychologists had to say about this incident. And please, never call me a psychologist; call me a psychotherapist - I don't want to be even accidentally identified with some of the unbelievably stupid comments I heard from them regarding whether the father did the right thing...</p>
<p><em>Warning: if there are children around, there are some bad words in the video, but I think they are important because of the context and because of who said them.</em></p>
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<p>The only difference between that dad and me? I would have re-loaded. There is a point at which you've more than got to draw a line in the sand. I was impressed with him. I think what he did was completely right on. </p>
<p>I think some of the folks who are against it, are against it because they're freaked out by the gun. If he had put the laptop in a trash compactor, there would probably be less reaction to it. I think a lot of people who don't handle guns got freaked out by it, but if you see his demeanor through the entire video, there's no "psycho" behavior there. He's totally in control. He's very relaxed. You can tell he's in pain as a parent and he's had enough. I stand 100% by what he did, including the posting of it, although I have no idea what's going on in that family right now. </p>
<p>I've got a feeling someone's going to offer him a television show! </p>
<p>And if you'd like to have a laugh, there's a mom who did a spoof of the laptop- shooting dad. By the way, she totally supports what that dad did.</p>
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<p> </p>Staff2012-02-16T20:57:00ZThe Secret to a Long LifeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Secret-to-a-Long-Life/902459556348375782.html2012-02-15T16:01:00Z2012-02-15T16:01:00Z<p>A study known as "The Longevity Project," concluded <em>conscientiousness</em> was the best childhood personality predictor of longevity. It appears by being prudent, persistent and well-organized, you increase your life span. Their conclusions came from 10 million pieces of data collected by generations of researchers at Stanford University starting in 1921.</p>
<p>Cheerfulness and having a socialable personality were relevant, but the prudent, dependable children lived the longest. Such people were more likely to obey the rules, (that is take care of their health), and not engage in risky behaviors such as smoking They are the types who take every dose of medicine their doctor prescribes. I've got a funny story about that...I had a painful shoulder at one point -- myofascial disorder, and it took me 3 years to resolve it. . The physical therapist said, "Do these 5 stretches, 10 times apiece, 3 times a day." So I went home and did it exactly the way he said. I came back the next week and said, "The pain is worse." And he said, "Well, did you do your stretches?" And I said, "Yes. I did each one of them exactly the way you told me to do it." He looks at me like I'm nuts and says, "You weren't supposed to do that." "What the hell do you mean I'm not supposed to do that? It's what you told me to do." And he goes, "I always over-tell because most people don't follow my directions and do about half, maybe. So you over-stretched and hurt yourself." I wanted to kill him...but it did bring up my personality trait because once you tell me to do it, it's going to happen. </p>
<p>Once I'd read this, I decided to look into other research that tries to pinpoint what makes people live longer. And a study in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health says daily shopping trips were associated with increased survival. Elderly people who shopped every day had a 27% lower risk of death than the least frequent shoppers. This finding was adjusted for a host of variables, by the way. Men who shopped daily were 28% less likely to die, compared with a 23% reduced risk for women, and it didn't seem to be correlated with whether or not you bought anything. </p>
<p>Elderly people may window shop, obtain prescribed drugs, bank, walk for exercise, seek companionship, and avoid loneliness. Fulfillment of these purposes may generate various health benefits. At least they're off the couch, walking around. Buying something isn't the main point. It's the getting out there, being social, walking around and looking at things. </p>
<p>People over 90 years old were asked in one study "What is the secret to long life?"<br />Herbert, who's 91, said, "I attribute it to a good marriage and luck." [Laughs] Yeah, there's a little bit of luck in there. But the good marriage is more important: men who lose their spouses die a lot younger than they would have. Women are a guy's basic moral support in life. (When my husband had his cardiac frenzies the doctor told him point-blank, "It's because of your wife that you're still alive. She nags and nudges and makes you do stuff...get out and walk, get out and do this..." Yeah, guys left to their own sort of sink. We're very necessary, ladies.)</p>
<p>Ruth, who's 97, says, "I've always been active. I hiked 2 miles a day into my 80s and I've always swum."</p>
<p>Esther, who's 96, "I've stayed active..." (You realize how articulate they are -- I mean, their brains are in gear). "I have stayed active all my life. I bowled until I was 80 and I worked in my husband's business until I was 85."</p>
<p>Eugene, who's 90 said, "I was never a carouser. I do drink but not in excess."</p>
<p>Last, but not least, is 93 year old Gerta, "It's best not to have too many worries." </p>
<p>Well, as we know from the current research, that's not true. People who have things to worry about and problems, therefore, to solve are keeping their brains very active and are "chewing" through life rather than "bobbing through life like a cork", or standing there, looking like they just got electrocuted. So, everything has it's moderation point, I guess. And (according to all of this list) I am going to be immortal without being a vampire. How cool is that?</p>Staff2012-02-15T16:01:00ZBaby Shower for 'Shack-Up' HoneyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Baby-Shower-for-Shack-Up-Honey/294239733119833845.html2012-02-14T22:50:00Z2012-02-14T22:50:00Z<p>Two people get to know each other through dating. They develop awe, respect and love for each and then decide to marry. The next step is usually creating another life which should be celebrated as a blessed event. But what about attending a baby shower for a "shack-up pregnant honey"?</p>
<p><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura#p/u/0/9rXzjcUkk20" target="_blank"><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; border-width: 0px;" src="/images/blog/babyshower_shackup_350p.jpg" alt="Watch: Baby Shower for Shack-Up Honey" width="350" height="193" /></a><br />Read the <a href="/b/Baby-Shower-for-Shack-Up-Honey/126773494068199518.html">transcript<br /><br /></a>Or watch other videos at <a href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura" target="_blank">youtube.com/DrLaura</a></p>Staff2012-02-14T22:50:00ZTill Death Do Us PartStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Till-Death-Do-Us-Part/-202609295136680016.html2012-02-13T15:00:00Z2012-02-13T15:00:00Z<p>I heard this story a few months ago, but wanted to bring it to your attention again right before Valentine's Day as an example of true and deep love.</p>
<p>The headline from last October read: "<em><a href="http://abcnews.go.com/US/iowa-couple-married-72-years-dies-holding-hands/story?id=14771029" target="_blank">Iowa Couple Married 72 Years Dies Holding Hands, an Hour Apart</a></em>," and the article went on to say that their passing "reflected the nature of their marriage where...everything was done together," according to their daughter. Here's more about them:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>Gordon Yeager, 94, and his wife Norma, 90, left their small town of State Center, Iowa, on Wednesday to go into town, but never made it. A car accident sent the couple to the emergency room and intensive care unit with broken bones and other injuries. But, even in the hospital, their concerns were each other.</em></p>
<p>The most important part of the story is what comes next. I really want you to think about it.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>"She was saying her chest hurt and what's wrong with Dad? Even laying there like that, she was worried about Dad," said the couple's son, Dennis Yeager, 52. "And his back was hurting and he was asking about Mom."</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>When it became clear that their conditions were not improving, the couple was moved into a room together in beds side-by-side where they could hold hands.</em></p>
<p>He joined his right hand to her left hand, and that's how they died. </p>
<p>The key to the whole story, however, was they were concerned about each other up to the moment they passed away.</p>
<p>I wrote a book several years ago entitled "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage," in which I talk about waking up each day, looking over at your spouse and making the decision to make their day worthwhile and to make them happy that they are married to you. In other words, instead of waking up with all your bitchy thoughts, all your self- centered thoughts about what you're not getting, what you're not feeling, wake up thinking what you do for him/her to make his/her life worth living and worth living with you. That is the key to this couple. And that's the key to them dying together.</p>
<p>There are more stories that illustrate this point: <a href="http://www.komonews.com/news/38775532.html" target="_blank"><em>Couple Die Together After 62 Years of Marriage</em> <br /></a><br />Eighty-four-year-old Robert, whose health had declined steadily in recent years, always expected to go first. His 80-year-old wife, Darlene, had been his steady caretaker at home they built with their own hands, until she was diagnosed with cancer and given only a few weeks to live.</p>
<p>When Robert learned Darlene was terminally ill, he quickly grumbled: "I'm terminal, too." While family members and caretakers just chalked off that statement to the emotion of the moment, as his wife lay beside him in her last moments, he, too because to die. Only six hours separated their deaths.<br />It was a bittersweet moment for the couple's five children and extended family.</p>
<p>While they'd lost their mother and father, they knew their parents, the couple who lived and breathed love for one another, who spooned together every night while watching the news, who even walked to their mailbox in tandem had received their last wish.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>Their story of love and long-term devotion showcases an aspect of humanity that even modern science has a hard time explaining: that sometimes strength of will decides whether we live or die.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>Their chemistry was magical, the family said. They got up from bed together and always waited for the other to get in bed at night. Mornings over coffee together developed a mutual plan of attack for the day. Darlene always made sure Robert's lunch was packed and clothes folded for him to wear.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>They eventually had nine children, and it's safe to say they proved their doctor wrong.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>Robert suffered strokes, kidney troubles, congestive heart failure and other ailments following, but he never complained.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>"I'm fine," he'd always say.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>In retirement, they never left each other's sides. If a check needed depositing, they went to the bank together. Grocery shopping was done in tandem. The pair even ventured to the mailbox together everyday unless one was too ill to do so.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>In the days before their deaths, hospice had a special bed put into the couple's bedroom, where youthful pictures of Robert and Darlene hang above their respective bedsides. Robert, in their own bed, held her hand tight as she began to die.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>Not long after, the nurse came to check on Robert. Astonishingly, his vital signs began to fail. His breathing became broken. He was actively dying, the nurse told the family. There were no drugs or methods he'd used to quicken death; it just began to happen.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>They gave him two days to live, tops. Instead, he joined his wife in death only six hours after hers.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>Robert and Darlene, whose services were held Thursday, will be buried in the same way they lived their lives together.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>In the same casket.</em></p>
<p>Dying beside the love of your life and passing into eternity together is the stuff of legends, but it's well documented around the world. It's some connection. It's some special connection. In some cases, research shows that one person's heartbeat can affect and even regulate another's (working as a type of life support).</p>
<p>Now, in none of these cases where spouses died within minutes or hours of each other was there a suicide. I think the amazing thing to take from these stories is that these relationships lasted that long. But it's a simple fact (and one to remember when you find yourselves crabbing and whining about each other): these husbands and wives lived to make sure the other was happy. And, in doing so, they were happy. </p>
<p>It's really not that complicated, and it's something very special to think about this Valentine's Day. </p>Staff2012-02-13T15:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-141803970217211394.html2012-02-10T22:33:00Z2012-02-10T22:33:00Z<p><em>Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm. <br /></em> - Abraham Lincoln<br /> 16th President of the United States<br /> 1809 - 1865<br /><br /><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/abe_lincoln_400.jpg" alt="Abraham Lincoln" width="400" height="265" /></p>Staff2012-02-10T22:33:00ZFinding Your MotivationStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Finding-Your-Motivation/669059774455783964.html2012-02-09T19:34:00Z2012-02-09T19:34:00Z<p>I'm going to tell you a story about motivating employees and what's inside the mind of an employee who is motivated, regardless of the job. </p>
<p>I was in college and had always worked so hard I think I just sort of emotionally burned myself out. I'd study, study, study - exam... study, study, study - exam... study, study... you get the idea. I was at the State University of New York at Stonybrook where most of the people didn't do study, study, study - exams. They <em>did</em> smoke pot, smoke pot, smoke pot - protest... stuff like that. Maybe that broke up the monotony for them; and maybe I should've participated, but I did not. </p>
<p>So I was kind of burned out and looking for something to do for the summer and I applied for a job to teach at a school for handicapped kids, but it was also a place where they rehabbed adults. Part of my training was to work alongside the people who were in there. I was placed with a guy in his early 40s who had been an athlete, but was paralyzed from the waist down after a car accident and he was in a wheelchair. </p>
<p>My assignment for the whole week was to sit with him, work with him and do what he had to do. And you know what he had to do? Little transistor thingies had to be bent on each end so they could be soldered on to something. So, we bent wires. There I was, capable, energetic, educated, sitting there bending little wires on to resistors with this very nice guy bored out of my gourd, annoyed, and feeling like I was wasting my time. </p>
<p>I'm a type-A personality - I'm a racehorse; I'm not a plow horse, so this was just awful. Of course, by now you've realized I was totally thinking about myself only. Totally. At one point, in my stupidity, I said out loud, "This is so boring!" And then the second it came out of my mouth, I realized this is what this guy had to do and I had just dissed the hell out of it. What was wrong with me? I was so embarrassed. And I immediately said, "I'm so sorry." </p>
<p>He was so nice about it and so patient. He taught me a huge lesson I've used my whole life. He said, "That's one way of looking at it." And then he started to talk about all the things that he had done in his life, like being a type-A personality athlete, a racehorse (not a plow horse), and then he got zapped and had to find some kind of labor he could do. And I felt sick... absolutely sick to my gut. You know how immediately you feel nauseated? That's where I was. </p>
<p>And he said, "Let me explain something to you. This is, on its own, a very boring task. However, the 'suits' in the front office project how many of these can be prepared, how many different sizes, in what amount of time per day." He went on, "I found out their projections, and then I figured a way to surpass them." I looked at him in amazement. What a brilliant guy. Because there are two ways to look at it:</p>
<p>1. This is an incredibly boring thing for a human being to do; a machine ought to be doing this. </p>
<p>2. A machine can't get motivated. A machine can't motivate itself; it's limited by physics and human beings aren't. </p>
<p>So I looked at him and I went, "Really? Okay. So, how many of these, those and the other things do they think we can do today?" He got out a piece of paper, "This is the quota." I said, "All right. If we're working together, how can we make this go faster?" And the two of us sat there and figured out how to almost double the productivity. And we were laughing and having a grand ol' time and I was never bored again. At the end of the week, when I had to leave him, we gave each other big hugs.</p>
<p>Motivation comes from within. That doesn't mean the environment you're in doesn't matter. It does. There's some research in Science magazine where they found that during the day there are sort of bio-rhythms at work -- for example, between 6 and 9 in the morning we are very happy, but this happiness drops throughout the day until mid-afternoon (siesta time - part of the world is very smart), and then it picks up in late afternoon and peaks again in the evening. </p>
<p>The truth is, if you work in an environment which consists of poor pay, lousy benefits, lousy work conditions, demeaning policies and rules, and bad relationships with coworkers, you're probably not going to operate at peak performance, yet some people do anyway because they don't allow the environment to dictate their motivation. </p>
<p>Think about that guy in the wheelchair, an athlete who will never be an athlete again - the environment was okay, nothing much to speak of, but his motivation, commitment and engagement came from within. He felt like he was part of something important and he challenged himself with plans and goals. Challenges increase motivation. </p>
<p>As it turns out, people are not motivated by money as much as everybody thinks. I mean, money is good but it doesn't motivate people to do better. Sometimes people can get bonuses and raises, but then sit on their haunches, not feeling obligated to put out. So there isn't necessarily an association. People making modest salaries can be extremely highly motivated because they have pride. </p>
<p>Motivation cannot be imposed. When people call my show and say, "I'm fat, I want to get thin. I want to get fit. Where do I get my motivation?" I tell them it comes from inside. It's not a mysterious force that comes from somewhere else; it's a direct result of how you manage yourself. Unfortunately in a lot of families, kids get to go to Disneyland if they finish a project or are paid money for every 'A' they get on their report card. This trains kids to not look inside and feel pride in their accomplishments and obligations. Instead of teaching kids to dig down deep for that motivation, they are being taught it should come from the outside, so people procrastinate. They don't feel like they have to. They have an attitude of, "What's in it for me?" </p>
<p>To motivate yourself, you have to look for new opportunities, look for new responsibilities, look for new challenges and read about people you admire. When I was a kid growing up, we read books about people who excelled at something and what followed their journey to excellence. Learn from achievers in sports, in arts, business, or the workplace. Learn from their bad qualities too.</p>
<p>Basically it's a matter of what's inside you. If you think or say: <em>"I don't know how to find motivation,"</em> just look in the mirror. It's there...somewhere.</p>Staff2012-02-09T19:34:00ZBipolar Disorder Is OverdiagnosedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Bipolar-Disorder-Is-Overdiagnosed/504742294049110853.html2012-02-08T15:49:00Z2012-02-08T15:49:00Z<p>In the over 30 years that I have been around in this profession, I've seen fads come and go. I've seen agoraphobia skyrocket in numbers with counseling centers set up to deal with it, and then fade out. And then every woman who was depressed or anxious had to have been sexually molested as a child and couldn't remember it. That came and went, as enough evidence indicated this retrieval of memories can't be remembered was bogus and mostly produced by the feminist nutcases who had licenses and just told people that was it. </p>
<p>Now we're in a different kind of fad...and there are reasons for these fads. It's not that people don't have disorders, but these huge increases are a bit suspect. Now, today, everybody is bipolar. Generally speaking, you'll hear "this person's bipolar, that person's bipolar" and these diagnoses are made by somebody in 15 minutes and it's just a mind-bender. </p>
<p>To make more money for the drug companies, it seemed every kid was ADD and then ADHD. According to research in the Archives of General Psychiatry: between 1994 and 2003, there was a 40-fold increase in the diagnoses of bipolar disorder in kidlets. . Some people are saying, "Well, we just have an improved awareness of the diagnosis." </p>
<p>No. </p>
<p>Others feel the diagnosis has been over-sold and is used to describe a lot of angry, explosive kids. </p>
<p>In Minnesota, <em>spending on powerful antipsychotic drugs to treat bipolar and other disorders in children has risen 17-fold since 2000 and exceeds $6 million annually</em>...that's just in one state. The medical community seems to be having a reversal that has few parallels in history. Psychiatrists are now backing away from this diagnosis. Thousands of kids have received the diagnosis in error and there are lots of reasons: over-zealous doctors, desperate parents wanting an answer, quirks in the health insurance system and aggressive marketing by drug companies. Dr. Stephen Setterberg, a child psychiatrist said, <em>"Some of the doctors that got going with that early on, they sort of drank their own Kool-Aid. They talked themselves into believing that many kids were bipolar. It essentially was a diagnostic fad."</em> </p>
<p>The drugs they're given are serious drugs. They come with increased risks of obesity, diabetes, muscle spasms and more. A child psychiatrist with Children's Hospitals and Clinics of Minnesota said, <em>"A substantial number of those kids, if you take them off the problem medication, those symptoms go away, and then they don't have bipolar; they just had a medication-induced problem."</em> And of course, if you give a kid the wrong diagnosis, you're not going to get the right treatment.</p>
<p><em><strong>If</strong></em> it's bipolar disorder, it's incurable and you've got to drug it so that means alternative therapies like cognitive behavioral therapies and others which have been developed for these angry, impulsive kids aren't happening. </p>
<p>Bipolar disorder has a genetic component, and it runs in families, but there's no brain test or scan to confirm it. I have always said the first line of defense is to look at the family. Look at the parents: are they divorcing? Are they drunk? Are they violent? Are they abusive to the kids? Are they sexually exploitive of the kids? Do they not pay any attention to the kids and don't feed them and let them run around? Kids get angry, impulsive and out of control for all sorts of reasons. Just drugging them probably misses some of the things that could be dealt with more healthily. </p>
<p>In 2001 a New York psychiatric hospital examined 120 kids who were sent there because of bipolar disorder. To the best of their analysis in 2001, barely half might really be bipolar; the rest not. </p>
<p>Now I always think "follow the money". The U.S. Food and Drug Administration issued a "black box" warning in 2004 on antidepressants, noting they carried a heightened risk of child suicide. Well, that had a chilling effect on antidepressant drug use and pushed doctors toward other treatments -- especially the "big gun" antipsychotics. And so it's driven by drugs. The research shows a rise in bipolar diagnoses for kids matches the drug trends. Follow the money...follow the money. </p>
<p>No one believes the children mislabeled with bipolar disorder are okay. They're not okay. There's something wrong. They have extreme tantrums, and sometimes get violent or harm themselves. There's definitely something going on there above and beyond a "phase". It, indeed, might be biological, but I don't think that (and I never thought that) drugs should be the first line of defense. Dr. Stuart Kaplan, who wrote a book called <em>"Your Child Does Not Have Bipolar Disorder,"</em> believes kids with bipolar diagnoses generally have behavior problems that require therapy, not just drugs. I think it is more benevolent to be patient and see what's going on in that kid's life before jumping to very expensive antipsychotic medication, which precludes any other kind of cognitive therapy. That's the story. These kids have some kind of problem, but just knee-jerk bipolar "give them antipsychotics" is not necessarily the solution at all.</p>Staff2012-02-08T15:49:00ZHelping with the 'Honey-Do' ListStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Helping-with-the-Honey-Do-List/312869060459969917.html2012-02-07T23:45:00Z2012-02-07T23:45:00Z<p>All husbands seem to have a <em>"Honey-Do" </em>list and this wife thought she'd help her husband out with his. But I think if she's going to help him she should considering <em>"doing"</em> something else...</p>
<p><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura#p/u/0/Nn7cipZREeM" target="_blank"><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; border-width: 0px;" src="/images/blog/helping_honey_350p.jpg" alt="Watch: Helping with the Honey-Do list" width="350" height="193" /></a><br />Read the <a href="/b/Helping-With-His-Honey-Do-List/236869033604717006.html">transcript<br /><br /></a>Or watch other videos at <a href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura" target="_blank">youtube.com/DrLaura</a></p>Staff2012-02-07T23:45:00ZSusan G. Komen Foundation BucklesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Susan-G.-Komen-Foundation-Buckles/201582477146724362.html2012-02-04T01:18:00Z2012-02-04T01:18:00Z<p>Yesterday, the Susan G. Komen Foundation cut off funding to Planned Parenthood ostensibly because it is in their set of standards not to give funding to organizations under federal judicial investigation. Planned Parenthood is under such an investigation.</p>
<p>Just about every liberal group and organization came down hard on the Komen Foundation and they have now <strong><em>reversed</em></strong> their decision and will continue to give money to Planned Parenthood. </p>
<p>I didn't know money donated to the Susan G. Komen Foundation for breast cancer research was funneled anywhere else. When I found this out, I immediately stopped being a donor or participator in any size, shape, or form.</p>
<p>There's an interesting article by John McCormack in <em>The Weekly Standard </em>on Feb. 2, 2012: "<a href="http://www.weeklystandard.com/blogs/after-lying-about-providing-mammograms-planned-parenthood-outraged-breast-cancer-charity-cuts-grants_620875.html" target="_blank">After Lying About Providing Mammograms, Planned Parenthood Outraged That Breast Cancer Charity Cuts Off Grants</a>" <br /><br />Here are some excerpts because I really want you to have clarity:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>Last spring, Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards went on CNN and claimed that if Congress cut off funding to Planned Parenthood "millions of women are going to lose access, not to abortion services, to basic family planning, you know, mammograms." But as pro-life activist Lila Rose documented in a video, Planned Parenthood does not provide mammograms. </em>[It gives referrals.]</p>
<p>Remember this article was written before the Komen Foundation reversed its decision today...</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>This story is worth recalling in light of the news this week that the Susan G. Komen Foundation, one of the nation's largest breast cancer charities, has cut off funding (more than $600,000) to Planned Parenthood. Cecile Richards wrote that the Foundation's decision to "end its support of lifesaving breast cancer screening at Planned Parenthood health centers comes as a blow to women across America."</em></p>
<p>But they don't provide mammograms. Everybody is lying. And whether the Komen Foundation gives its money to Planned Parenthood or not, this amount is not going to hurt Planned Parenthood's bottom line. This so-called "non-profit" is worth around $1billion. They claim only 3% of their services are abortions, but that is very misleading.</p>
<p>There's another cover article in <em>The Weekly Standard</em> from 2007 titled: "<a href="http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/014/223livny.asp?page=2" target="_blank">Planned Parenthood's Unseemly Empire</a>" by Charlotte Allen which is also worth reading.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>One way Planned Parenthood massages the numbers to make its abortion business look trivial is to unbundle its services for purposes of counting. Those 10.1 million different medical procedures in the last fiscal year, for instance, were administered to only 3 million clients. An abortion is invariably preceded by a pregnancy test--a separate service in Planned Parenthood's reckoning--and is almost always followed at the organization's clinics by a "going home" packet of contraceptives, which counts as another separate service. Throw in a pelvic exam and a lab test for STDs--you get the picture.</em></p>
<p>They "bundle it." So a person going in for abortion gets all these other things as part of the abortion package and then Planned Parenthood claims abortion is only 3% of their services. 'We have all these other things that are happening.' No, they're all happening because of the abortion.</p>
<p>Probably the most egregious thing is Planned Parenthood's looking the other way to statutory rape:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>A large number, perhaps a majority, of underage teen pregnancies are not puppy love gone awry, but involve adult men who are significantly older than the pregnant girl. A study published in the journal Family Planning Perspectives in 1992 found that 62 percent of first-time births to teen mothers had been preceded by experiences of molestation, rape, or attempted rape, with the mean male-offender age 27.4 years. The Guttmacher Institute reported in 1995 that more than 40 percent of mothers age 15-17 had sexual partners three to five years older; nearly 20 percent had partners six or more years older.</em></p>
<p>So in 60% of these pregnancies, the partner was an adult! By the way, the Guttmacher Institute started out as an arm of Planned Parenthood. </p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>Planned Parenthood's confidentiality principles can thus run squarely up against laws in every state, typically bearing criminal penalties that require health care workers to report suspected incidents of sexual abuse or statutory rape to law enforcement. In 2002, a Texas-based pro-life group called Life Dynamics launched a sting operation, hiring an actress to call more than 800 abortion clinics nationwide, including many Planned Parenthood clinics. She told the receptionists that she was a 13-year-old girl who needed an abortion, except that her boyfriend was 22 and she didn't want him to get into trouble. The reported response at 91 percent of the clinics (including Planned Parenthood's) was: Don't mention your boyfriend's age when you come in, and all will be well.</em></p>
<p>So the Susan G. Komen Foundation obviously siphons off money for all kinds of things like supporting Planned Parenthood, an organization that seems to be okay with statutory rape under the aegis of "protecting children." Protecting them from what? Certainly not adult sexual predators! It's despicable how much of your taxpayer money the government uses to subsidize Planned Parenthood which supports this kind of behavior. And every time they're caught, they go, "Oh, gee. We didn't know this was going on. This is terrible. We'll stop it."</p>
<p>I think it is abysmal the Susan G. Komen Foundation collapsed when types supporting it like Hollywood moguls, Democratic candidates, and liberals with money, all came down hard on them. Why did they buckle? Follow the money. It's all about the money. It's not about principles. It's all about the money. </p>
<p>So a pox on the Susan G. Komen Foundation. And a continuing pox on Planned Parenthood.</p>
<p>I'm sure all you parents really want your 14 year old daughters to have sex with adult men and get abortions at Planned Parenthood without you knowing. I'm sure you're all very excited about that. I'm sure you'd all go, "I'm for it!" Well, that's what you're subsidizing if you're giving money to either of those organizations now. If that's okay with you, then send your money.</p>Staff2012-02-04T01:18:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/639476522884394157.html2012-02-03T20:21:00Z2012-02-03T20:21:00Z<p><em>Football is like life. It requires perseverance, self-denial, hard work, sacrifice, dedication, and respect for authority.</em><br /> - Vince Lombardi<br /> American football coach<br /> 1913-1970<br /> Head Coach, Green Bay Packers<br /> 1959-1967</p>
<p>The New York Giants face the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI this Sunday</p>
<img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/football_on_field_350.jpg" alt="Football on Field" width="350" height="232" />Staff2012-02-03T20:21:00ZPreventing SuicideStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Preventing-Suicide/810585001109905038.html2012-02-02T21:51:00Z2012-02-02T21:51:00ZSuicide is one of the most horrible events that can happen. It's devastating to the people left behind and very sad that an irrevocable step was taken by a human being. And you never know when it could happen. <br /><br />From the <a href="http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/suicide-in-the-us-statistics-and-prevention/index.shtml">National Institute of Mental Health</a>:
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>Suicide is a major, preventable public health problem. In 2007, it was the tenth leading cause of death in the U.S., accounting for 34,598 deaths. The overall rate was 11.3 suicide deaths per 100,000 people. An estimated 11 attempted suicides occur per every suicide death.</em></p>
Risk factors include:
<ul>
<li><em>Depression, other mental disorders or a substance-abuse disorder. Often the substance-abuse disorder goes hand in hand with a mental disorder. 90 percent of the people who die by suicide have these two risk factors.</em></li>
<li><em>Previous suicide attempt</em></li>
<li><em>Family history of mental disorders or substance abuse</em></li>
<li><em>Family history of suicide</em></li>
<li><em>Family violence, including physical or sexual abuse</em></li>
<li><em>Firearms in the home (the method used in more than half of suicides).</em></li>
<li><em>Incarceration</em></li>
<li><em>Exposure to the suicidal behavior of others, such as family members, peers, or media figures.</em></li>
</ul>
Suicide or suicidal behaviors, however, are not normal responses to stress; just because someone may have one or two of these risk factors doesn't mean they are going to kill themselves. <br /><br />Almost four times as many men as women commit suicide, with males using firearms 56% of the time while women use poisoning 40% of the time. <br /><br />In 2007, suicide was the third leading cause of death for young people ages 15 to 24. Most likely, suicide is due to existential issues: young people going from being a kid to an adult, or not having the maturity to deal with romantic, work, and transitional situations. Some illnesses like schizophrenia tend to show up in the early 20s. And as with the general population, young people are more likely to use firearms, suffocation and poisoning over other suicide methods. <br /><br />Older Americans are disproportionally likely to commit suicide. The national average in the general population is 11.3 per 100,000 people. Those who are 65 or older average 14.3 per 100,000 people. <br /><br />When people call me who believe someone is just crying for attention, I tell them not to think that way. Most suicide attempts are expressions of <em>extreme distress</em>, not harmless bids for attention. If a person who appears in any way suicidal, and you're going to make an error, err in the direction of getting that person hospitalized immediately. <br /><br />A type of psychotherapy I've talked about numerous times and is a major contributor to my perspective on helping people is cognitive therapy. All kinds of studies have shown cognitive therapy has reduced the rate of repeated suicide attempts by 50 percent during a follow-up year. Cognitive therapy helps suicide attempters consider alternative actions than self-harm. <br /><br />If you think someone is suicidal - do not leave them alone. Get them help immediately. Call 911 or put them in the car and take them off to the psychiatric ward at a hospital. Eliminate any access to any tool than may be used in a suicide, like drugs, knives, guns, or rope... <br /><br />One of the most horrifying things that happened to me as a psychotherapist was helping a particular married couple. A colleague of mine was counselling the wife, and I was counselling the husband. He was distressed for many reasons. I learned he had a gun and I made a deal with him to get rid of it. His wife confirmed he had done so. He began to feel better and terminated our therapy sessions. Sometimes when people start to feel better, it means they have put a suicide plan into place, and about three months later in front of his wife, he pulled out a new small caliber pistol and shot himself. Ultimately, these things are uncontrollable unless you're physically there and can call for help. <br /><br />So while we can know the signs of what risk factors to look for, knowing what's going on in the recesses of someone's mind is tough. But if suicidal behaviors are being demonstrated, get nervous and do something about it. Don't stand by thinking, "I don't want anybody to be mad at me."Staff2012-02-02T21:51:00ZStanding Up and Speaking OutStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Standing-Up-and-Speaking-Out/-853429369608755978.html2012-02-01T15:00:00Z2012-02-01T15:00:00ZThis is about standing up and speaking out. Not enough of you do it, and you don't do it often enough. There's a good reason you don't - because you get crap for it and most people want to avoid getting crap in their lives. When you tickle something somebody is sensitive about (and they feel guilt about), they'll attack to protect their ego. So, standing up takes guts and a commitment to your beliefs. But without being willing to do such, how can you possibly EVER have any pride in yourself? <br /><br />What sparked these thoughts is Catherine's email:
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>Dr. Laura,</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>A few days ago, my car decided not to start. Luckily, my husband hadn't left yet, so he drove me to work before going to his job. Then, since he had an appointment after work, he picked me up from my office and took me with him. I didn't mind going, considering he did me a great favor of driving me to and from my job.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>While sitting in the waiting room at his appointment, another couple came in. The secretary and the woman started to talk very flippantly about divorce. They commented on how they had already discussed with their husbands - before getting married - what they would receive, (as they would say), in their "inevitable divorce". I was shocked and horrified they would say such things betweent themselves let alone in front of their husbands. I spoke up by saying "It is very sad you feel that way toward the person you promised to love, honor and cherish. Your husbands obviously chose very poorly in a wife and I hope your children have better examples of what love should be other than yourselves."</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>I got up and walked away from astonished faces. And when my husband met me outside, all I could do was hug him and let him know that thank goodness we were nothing like the people in that office.</em></p>
Wow! Let that be an inspiration. Don't be wussy - it doesn't make you have pride in yourself. And I certainly never want you to call me and say, "This is what I heard... and what I wanted to say was...." It won't be a pretty moment.Staff2012-02-01T15:00:00ZExcluded at the OfficeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Excluded-at-the-Office/248481183872592337.html2012-01-31T20:20:00Z2012-01-31T20:20:00Z<p>In this week's YouTube video, Jessica is feeling shunned and excluded by her supervisor from activities outside the office. It seems like the only time she's spoken to is when her boss wants something from her. I think Jessica needs a different perspective regarding office relationships...<br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura#p/u/0/bJDgJkwkTOg" target="_blank"><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; border-width: 0px;" src="/images/blog/excluded_at_office_350p.jpg" alt="Watch: Excluded at the Office" width="350" height="193" /></a><br />Read the <a href="/b/Resentful-of-My-Couch-Potato-Husband/249826208330584514.html">transcript<br /><br /></a>Or watch other videos at <a href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura" target="_blank">youtube.com/DrLaura</a></p>Staff2012-01-31T20:20:00ZWhere Are the Real Men?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Where-Are-the-Real-Men/788973704671871788.html2012-01-30T15:00:00Z2012-01-30T15:00:00ZI want to write about how there are no <em><strong>men</strong></em>. (Well, there aren't <em>no</em> men, there are just few <strong>men</strong>). And a lot of women don't even like real men; they like <em>feminized</em> men - - especially if they're gay. That's even better. And many women marry mama's boys because they don't want a real man. Then they get shocked when his mother can push him around better than they can. Well... his mother has had a lot more practice -- his whole life. <br /><br />Betsy Hart, one of my favorite writers, recently wrote a great article about this topic. She begins:
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>Whatever happened to men? That's a common question today, being asked by social commentators, parents and single women everywhere. They are lamenting young men's shrinking status in academia, the workplace and, maybe especially, marriage....</em></p>
She goes on to say:
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>...it's simply the case that too often today's males are living up to the low expectations the culture has for them.</em></p>
This is true particularly since feminism arose with the attitude of "we don't need men." Gloria Steinem said: <em>"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle".</em> That was feminism. It rarely had anything to do with equal pay for equal jobs. It had to do with hating being a wife... hating being a mother... and hating men. That's what feminism primarily has always been about. Don't kid yourself. <br /><br />Betsy Hart goes on to quote from Bill Bennett's new book: <em>The Book of Man: Readings on the Path to Manhood</em>. In it, there's an essay by:
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>David Gelernter, the renowned Yale computer-sciences professor who was injured in an attack by the Unabomber[. He] talks about how he is bringing up his own sons against the culture. He writes that 'a man's role in respect to women is to protect, to help, to support, to cherish as opposed to consume. We are a consumer society and the number one consumption is that of women.'</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>...Families need to teach young men what it means to be responsible, to work hard and to be prepared to someday get married and care for a wife and children....</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>I would argue that we also might teach our daughters to respect men. Real men, not the men concocted for treacly romantic comedies. And to respect themselves enough to wait for that man in every sense of that word.</em></p>
Please take the time to read Betsy Hart's entire article: <em><strong><a href="http://www.suntimes.com/lifestyles/hart/8738944-452/lamenting-the-demise-of-manliness-in-america.html" target="_blank">Lamenting the Demise of Manliness in America</a></strong></em> <br /><br />And then my staff got me information on traits of real men and I want to share this article with you. It's from the blogger MochaDad:
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>Men were made to be bold, strong leaders. However, our society has attempted to repress these traits.</em> (Sidebar: Look what happens in schools with little boys and girls. Schools are organized for little girls who can sit quietly and sweetly with their hands folded at the desk. Of course I was never one of those little girls, but generally speaking the schools were. And the little boys? Well, we say they have ADD and we drug them so they'll sit like little girls with their hands folded sweetly.) <em>If you look at the way men (especially dads) are portrayed on TV, you'd think we were all a bunch of irresponsible, befuddled, nincompoops, who can only function with the help of a "smart" female partner, friend, or spouse.</em></p>
He titles his blog: <em><strong><a href="http://www.mochadad.com/2010/09/7-traits-of-real-men/" target="_blank">The 7 Traits of Real Men</a></strong></em>. Women -- I want you to read them because this is the guy you should look for. Men -- I want you to read them so you can stop being weenies and take back your masculinity, your parts, your giblets -- if you get my drift. I can't believe how many women who have called my show over the years who I've told they should have married another woman because the traits they wanted in their husband are not masculine.Staff2012-01-30T15:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-768465652370644074.html2012-01-27T18:11:00Z2012-01-27T18:11:00Z<p><em>There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.</em><br /> - Martin Luther<br /> German priest, professor of theology and iconic figure of the<br /> Protestant Reformation<br /> 1483 - 1546<img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/wedding_bands_350.jpg" alt="Wedding Bands" width="350" height="250" /></p>Staff2012-01-27T18:11:00ZHow To Tell If You're A Terrible SpouseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-To-Tell-If-Youre-A-Terrible-Spouse/-879461863369537478.html2012-01-26T16:55:00Z2012-01-26T16:55:00Z<p>How can you not know when your spouse is not happy? You can go into a room, not know anybody in there, just look around and you can tell who's happy. It's not hard - look at the body language and facial expressions. But when you are living with somebody, how do you know if they're happy or not? So many times you hear women say: "I had no clue; he never said anything." </p>
<p>He had to <em><strong>say</strong></em> something for you to know? </p>
<p>So, here are a few things to consider and see if any of these describe your life:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">* Your life centers around your kids, your job, and/or your hobbies. Maybe that's making him unhappy. <br /><br />* You burn your candles at all these ends with everything but love. So you're totally exhausted and there is no time for each other. <br /><br />* Your home and your life seem to move from one small crisis to another and that's about it. You figure, "Okay, we're going to interact, and we're going to romance each other, but we'll save it for the weekends. Then the weekends come, and "Oh my gosh, there are so many chores to do!" <br /><br />* You do this thing in your head: it's either the kids or the spouse. Well, you don't love them both the same way. Those are <em>different</em> loves. Living a balanced life doesn't require you choosing between them at all. <br /><br />* Your lives are very fragmented. You spend your time running hither or thither and doing this and that and loving each other is just not a priority. Even when you are together, you are in your own little world. You are both easily irritated by the other. Your disagreements and misunderstandings become more frequent. <br /><br />* Several months pass before you realize you haven't even sat down and talked to each other nicely. You haven't made love; you haven't done a fun thing together. Sit down and look at the time you spend on <em><strong>things</strong></em>. "I have no time." Yes, you do. There is stuff you could trim, but instead, you are trimming <em>him</em>.</p>
<p>This is why I talk so much about being your kid's mom, being your husband's girlfriend, being your wife's boyfriend -- these are very important. You need to focus on being each other as girlfriend and boyfriend. That has to be a major focus of each day. Aside from which, the kids need to see that. It makes them feel secure and it gives them hope for their future. I mean, do you spend any time connecting each day?</p>
<p>I had a call one time where this woman found out that for nine years, her husband left the house in the morning and spent 15 minutes, five days a week, in the back of a van with the same woman. For <strong><em>nine years</em></strong>, they would have sex every morning, every day; that's how they would get their work day started. I said, well if that had been happening in your home, it wouldn't have happened in a car with another woman.</p>
<p>So, when is the last time you schmoozed and tickled and rolled around and snuggled and kissed and hugged and were playful, huh? Do you take care of yourself -- your hygiene, your presentation, your health -- so you have something to give? Or, is it all about, "I just don't have anything to give?" You have to learn to say no to errands and chores and social activities and overtime and volunteer work and meetings, if it is interfering with your love.</p>
<p> Don't read the full newspaper everyday, don't read Twitter or your emails -- don't read all that stuff. They steal time from where you could be being cute and adorable with your spouse. Send emails to each other, leave love notes around the house. Make the most of every moment you have together. Make it an issue and a priority so I don't get a call from you on my program where you're saying , "I have no idea whatsoever why my husband and the father of my kids just said 'I am out of here.'" What an insult that is! Men don't fare as well as women after a divorce emotionally, physically, medically. Women handle this stuff a lot better, believe it or not. So, for a guy to face going through the court system which is going to give her everything, for him to make a move like that, he had to be really unhappy. And if you are truly willing to stand by the statement "I have no idea why he would be unhappy," then you're a terrible wife. </p>Staff2012-01-26T16:55:00ZWork Habits That WorkStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Work-Habits-That-Work/769743866567362869.html2012-01-25T15:57:00Z2012-01-25T15:57:00Z<p>A lot of you are struggling with making sure you keep your jobs in this economic climate. I think the qualities for making sure you keep your job are closely related to the ones you need even if you want to get a promotion, much less keep your job. So I did a little research on the types of behaviors that keep you employed and possibly even get promoted. </p>
<p>First of all, constantly look around and see what else you can do. A lot of people have a sense of entitlement: "Well my job description is 'blankety-blank' so, you know, I'm not going to put more paper in the copier." When I first went through all of the qualities I'll mention here, I thought about all my peeps. Each of my peeps has a job description, but when push comes to shove, they each act like the company is theirs. So if there's no paper in the copier, well their company doesn't have paper in the copier so they put paper in. No one (including me) thinks they're above doing anything. I am notorious for cleaning up...they're always going "here she goes again". That's not in my job description; I am the host. Heck, we're all in this together and whatever needs to be done, we do it. That's a team effort. And people who have the team effort mentality do better with their bosses and do better with their co-workers.</p>
<p>Now everything I'm going to say presumes you're not working for a nutcase. We leave out the nutcases. If you're working for a nutcase, get another job. Nonetheless, 99.9% are working for reasonable people. If you behave as though you're part of the team, everybody will appreciate you, including the boss who will find you indispensable. "This is a person who will put the coffee on, as well as make the PowerPoint presentation for the CEO of this Fortune 500"...whatever. So that's really important. </p>
<p>Next? Be observant. Pay attention to the people who seem to be doing well with the company. I ask that question a lot when people have concerns about what's going on at work. "Well, who are the people who are doing very well? Who are the people who are liked? Who are the people seemingly getting ahead? Who are the people who have the eye of the boss? What is it they do? How do they behave? What do they contribute? What are their people skills? Communication skills? How do they get along with people?" So observe. Drop the competitiveness, drop the cattiness and just observe. What skills, what attitudes do the people doing well have that you could take? </p>
<p>In addition to being a team player (this may sound counterintuitive, but it's not) you have to find a way to stand out. Make yourself indispensable; be proactive. On my racing sailboat (and sometimes I've got 10 to 12 people aboard), we sort of noticed over the years the people who were proactive - who would look around and see if anything bad was going to happen. Look at all the lines, is anything crossed? How do all the shackles look? How does this look? How does that look? Where's the wind coming from? While being a member of a team, they're looking at everything. And, over the years, I've become adept at figuring out early on the people who are sort of lazy and just want to be on a boat as opposed to the people who really commit to the team by being aware and supporting each other, which is an important thing: Looking for problems before they happen. It's easier to avoid than to repair. </p>
<p>You make yourself indispensable by the positive attitude, by being a flexible team player but also looking around, coming up with ideas, and trying to make things better for everybody. You need to know how and when to have the right conversations. So, for example, you go to your boss, your manager, your supervisor and you say, "In 3 to 6 to 9 months what would you like to see me doing?" or "What do you imagine for me?" or "What could I work toward?" or you have a friendly conversation (not a threatening, demanding one) where you say, "What do you see? What could I do for you that would be better?" So that you're open to what a lot of people take as <em>criticism</em> without being sensitive. Use it as information to run with. </p>
<p>Bottom line, if you seem hell-bent on just getting a promotion, getting power, you're missing the bigger picture. You've got to focus in on every aspect of your being at work and relationships, because basically going to work is a relationship experience. You need to know how to get along with people. And the best way to get along with people is to be solicitous, non-competitive and supportive. Ask them for advice and their opinions so they feel important to you. It's a give-and-take on a very positive level -- it is not a family. It is NOT a family. Family has certain expectations and people get awfully emotional about that. But be very aware of showing respect, asking for their input, and offering them help instead of being competitive.</p>
<p>There are lots of practical things to consider. If you come up with something brilliant for the company they can use, that's great. But for the most part it's attitude, positive people skills, and support. A lot of people get into trouble at work when it all starts to get competitive. To the contrary, the best thing to do with someone who seems already to be in that mode, is from time to time, say to them, "You know, I was thinking about 'such and such'. What's your opinion on that?" They stop being competitive when they feel somewhat valued because being competitive is insecurity. So if you feed the insecurity by fighting, it'll go south. If you feed their insecurity by instead bolstering their sense they are important to somebody, that's going to work really well.</p>Staff2012-01-25T15:57:00ZResentful of My Couch Potato HusbandStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Resentful-of-My-Couch-Potato-Husband/-740440236825539186.html2012-01-24T20:31:00Z2012-01-24T20:31:00Z<p>Resentment is difficult to get past, particularly if it's because your husband hasn't supported you in the raising of your children. Is it better to have a couch potato husband than no husband at all?<br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/drlaura?feature=mhee#p/u/0/oEKQn1fQFhc" target="_blank"><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; border: 0px;" src="/images/blog/couch_potato_husband_350p.jpg" alt="Watch: Resentful of My Couch Potato Husband" width="350" height="193" /></a><br />Read the <a href="/b/Resentful-of-My-Couch-Potato-Husband/249826208330584514.html">transcript<br /><br /></a>Or watch other videos at <a href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura" target="_blank">youtube.com/DrLaura</a></p>Staff2012-01-24T20:31:00ZCompetitive KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Competitive-Kids/-494589320260538147.html2012-01-23T15:14:00Z2012-01-23T15:14:00Z<p>Is competition good for kids? I'm going to give you the short answer <em>and</em> the long answer. The short answer? After about 8 years old, it's absolutely necessary. Before 8 years old, most kids are not really ready to process competition and what it means, and what the rules are and what's fair, and what failure means and the rest of that. So, for the sake of argument, I'm going to be talking about kids over 8 - when competition is absolutely necessary. </p>
<p>Failing is an essential part of growth and that's why you have to let your kids struggle and fail. Remember the 4 minute mile? It seemed nobody could run a mile in less than 4 minutes. Then someone did and everybody competed against that time. </p>
<p>Have you ever seen kids trying to climb something for the first time? One usually says, "Oh, I can't climb that high." Another starts scooting up and suddenly the first child is climbing too. Competition makes you dig deeper into what you probably can do. Endurance, persistence, perseverance, self-control - these are things your kids have to learn in order to be successful in life at anything: a career, hobby, even relationships. And most of this they get from competing. </p>
<p>There needs to be a balance between competing and cooperation. For their first 8 years, you teach them a lot about cooperation, but you can't avoid competition even then. It is kind of a natural element. A lot of people think you have to learn to compete, but I disagree. I believe you have to learn to compete WELL, but that competition is inherent. It's inherent in just about every animal you see on the face of the earth - from their coloring and plumage, to their mating calls - even how they swim or strut. </p>
<p>Competition is a natural, normal part of life for resources, opportunity, reproduction, everything. And teaching your children to do it well is a responsibility you have - even though it's painful to see their sad, little, puckered faces when they didn't win. </p>
<p>And when they lose, instead of hearing them say, "I'm a terrible person...I suck...This is too hard..." teach them to analyze what happened because then they grow. Again, children need to learn failure is part of growth, even if it's a little annoying.</p>
<p>Competition encourages growth and pushes a kid to excel. They learn about their own abilities, and they learn about their limitations. And oftentimes, without competition, you can't tell what you can do. I like to play tennis with people a hell of a lot better than me because it pushes my abilities. <br />Competition teaches your kids to set goals, develop skills, solve problems, and try out new things. It also teaches them to learn rules, perform with other people watching and work with other people as on a team.</p>
<p>Competition is a very strong motivator, but parents who put too much emphasis on winning can harm a kid. Before I took an exam in college, my dad would always say to me, "Give 'em hell!" That meant "do your best". Whatever that is, that's all each of us has. And my best may be better than your best at something, and your best may be better than my best at something else. We're all better at some things and not as good at others. And that has to be the mentality you teach your kids. No matter how good you are at something, there's somebody better or there's somebody better at something else. </p>
<p>And of course it's up to you to make sure they can treat triumph and defeat the same...with class. </p>
<p>Kids who are not ready for competitive activities are usually kids who are more insecure, immature, selfish, spoiled or irresponsible. They may be too pressured from their parents, can't play in teams, can't handle frustration, haven't developed patience or tolerance and they often throw tantrums after being overwhelmed by competition. They have trouble sleeping, get headaches, have nausea, get depressed, lack energy, and create ailments and excuses to avoid activities... So if you do have one of these kinds of kids use your judgment and understanding when making decisions about competition.</p>
<p>You've also got to pay close attention to the ethics of competing: right and wrong, losing and winning. The Foundation for a Better Life has a great video on this. Watch: <a href="http://www.values.com/inspirational-stories-tv-spots/106-Basketball" target="_blank">Basketball</a> It's how you want to teach your kids. Competition is important. Support your kids' participation. But ethics are more important than anything.</p>Staff2012-01-23T15:14:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/-935563626327339635.html2012-01-20T16:28:00Z2012-01-20T16:28:00Z<p><em>Behind almost every great man there stands either a good parent or a good teacher.</em><br /> - Gilbert Highet<br /> Scottish-American academic, writer, and literary historian<br /> 1906-1978</p>Staff2012-01-20T16:28:00ZThe Harsh Reality of Obsessive ExesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Harsh-Reality-of-Obsessive-Exes/932796587311993679.html2012-01-19T20:26:00Z2012-01-19T20:26:00Z<p>Over the years, every time I have told somebody they are in danger, they don't want to hear it. But it happens. And so I'm going to impale it on your minds even more. Here are just a few stories from the recent past:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">1. A woman in Amsterdam was accused of stalking her ex-boyfriend for allegedly calling him 65,000 times in the past year. After he filed a complaint with the police due to the excessive calls, the police arrested the woman and she argued she had a relationship with this man and didn't see her calls to be excessive. The man denied them ever having a relationship.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">2. A British man bombarded his ex-girlfriend via email and Facebook messages asking her to take him back. He set up a series of blogs warning people about her. He was finally jailed for admitting he violated his restraining order.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">3. A dumped lover in the Bronx hired his own cousin to kill his teenage girlfriend and tried to cover it up as a botched robbery. He paid his cousin $1,000 to shoot the teenage girlfriend. The ex-boyfriend warned if he couldn't have her, then nobody could. The girl was found shot dead with their baby in a car.</p>
<p>Those are just some of the thousands of stories. When people get vengeful, they get obsessed; the ego can't take the bruising and they want to control. There are some people who are unable and unwilling to let go after a breakup. </p>
<p>At first it seems they are, obviously, emotionally hurt. That's understandable. They call, they visit, they keep arguing and try to reconcile. Well that all sounds reasonable. Then they're following, stalking or threatening. Then they vandalize belongings, which escalates to personal violence, and maybe even killing the partner's pets. If this isn't dealt with and gets extreme, there can be kidnappings and killing of children, as well as murder and/or suicide. This "obsessive-ex" syndrome is rampant. Media usually report it by breaking it up into little pieces describing individual incidents only when they reach an extreme, instead of acknowledging the overall picture. This obsessive-ex syndrome is not gender specific. It usually doesn't just go away. Over one million women and 300,000 men are stalked annually in the United States. </p>
<p>Stalking by definition is not a onetime act. The course of conduct may involve a whole bunch of criminal acts. Taken one at a time they're annoying but there definitely is a pattern. Here's a list of some of the stalking behaviors for you to look out for:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">1. Assaulting the victim<br />2. Violating protective borders<br />3. Sexual assault<br />4. Vandalizing your property<br />5. Burglarizing your home<br />6. Threatening you<br />7. Killing your pet<br />8. Sending "forever" cards and gifts<br />9. Leaving telephone or email messages for you again and again and again<br />10. Disclosing to you personal stuff that they have found out<br />11. Telling a lot of people personal stuff about you<br />12. Following you<br />13. Going to your work or school...Just showing up<br />14. Sending photographs of you without consent<br />15. Monitoring your Internet history and computer usage<br />16. Using technology to gather images and information about you</p>
<p>This can be potentially fatal for you. One of the reasons they do this is because they perceive you as weak and they say they want you back, but really it's their ego that needs saving. It's too dangerous.</p>Staff2012-01-19T20:26:00ZWomen Who Love PrisonersStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Women-Who-Love-Prisoners/-491958515111238285.html2012-01-18T15:00:00Z2012-01-18T15:00:00Z<p>There's an increasing population of women who want to date, have sex with or marry death row prisoners. Some women actually find that sexy. So I did some research in trying to understand more about why a woman would be turned on by that. </p>
<p>We all know women are turned on by the bad guys. Most women are turned on by bad guys because we're biological organisms, we're mammals, and a bad guy is strong (or perceived to be that way), and able to protect her because he's dangerous. The worse a guy is, the more attractive he may become to a woman. Remember the musical "Grease"? Sandy is a nice girl and she falls for Danny who is a bad boy rebel. So there's a huge physical aspect to the attraction; it's animal. A lot of times the women who seek out these inmates suffer from a variety of psychological problems like depression or poor self-esteem and they seek out the unconditional love of someone who has less than they do to make themselves feel validated.</p>
<p>Women also become fixated with these pieces of scum because of the popularity the media gives them. I mean, Ted Bundy became a celebrity. So did Scott Peterson -- it was all Scott Peterson all the time on television for a while. A lot of these women just cannot find love, so they pretend this is love. And a lot of women don't want to have to deal with a guy every day. </p>
<p>I found some information on some two sisters who did this. Two middle-aged, Christian sisters, Avril and Rose, left long-term, boring marriages for men in prison. One man had been convicted of a string of minor property offenses and the other man had killed his previous wife. His new wife, Rose, said, "I have faith that if you're genuine with the Lord, you're a new person. A lot of people have said I should be worried about him because of what he did in his background, which is pretty awful and violent, but I have no fear." Despite the women's faith, both relationships ended tragically. A week after his release, the thief blungeoned Avril to death with a hammer. The other husband ended up back in prison after trying to cut off Rose's ear and trying to pull out her teeth with pliers. </p>
<p>One of the realities of women being attracted to these men isn't often expressed, because it's not politically correct, but it happens to be a reality: hybristophiliacs. These are people sexually excited by violent outrages performed on others. These women often send porn pictures of themselves to the prisoners. These women are not necessarily "sit back and just get horny" about violence. A playwright, Veronica Lynn Compton, began a torrid affair with one of the Hillside Stranglers. You remember those guys? They were two cousins who abducted, raped, and mutilated very young women and then they ritualistically displayed their corpses on hillsides in Los Angeles in the 70s. Yeah. </p>
<p>As part of an elaborate defense strategy, one of the stranglers, Kenneth Bianchi, asked Compton to kill a woman using his M.O., because then he could say, "See. It wasn't me. I'm in here." DNA evidence was not available then. Only the blood type could be determined from the fluid samples, so he asked her to sprinkle the dead body with his sperm and passed her a sample in a rubber glove. Compton tried but bungled the attempt to murder the woman and the prospective victim got away. By the time Compton was in prison for attempted murder, Bianchi had married somebody else. And then Compton found another sexual, serial killer to romance. One year he sent her a photo of a decapitated female corpse as a Valentine's Day card. </p>
<p>Vicarious murder is sometimes a motivating factor. It's easier for these women to overlook the violence that offends all the rest of us if they have seriously considered it themselves. Even while the woman is the creep's culpability, it is his ability to murder that attracts her. He acted out on his rage. The woman just couldn't get around to doing that because, "I don't know, I just can't...I just can't murder." But what a turn on that <em><strong>he</strong></em> can! "I can live in the glow of his being able to let go of that inhibition when I can't." Pretty sick...pretty scary, pretty sick. </p>
<p>As I've always said, there are always women around to embrace evil. There are infinite numbers of stories you've heard of women who stay with their husbands after the husbands have molested the children or somebody else's children. They will defend them and they will send their own kids off to go somewhere else to keep that man. I remember one call in particular (thank God I cannot crawl through a phone line). She called to see if it was okay now that her husband (the step-father who molested both her daughters severely) was getting out of prison, if she could take him back because she "thinks he's learned his lesson". They deny what they don't want to know so they can have what they want. There's something sleazily erotic for these women. It's not just "they're dainty and scared". Wow.</p>
<p>I guess a lot of women use these situations as an escape route. It's tough to be something, to be someone, to build...that's tough. There's a lot of failure, frustration, and loss along the way. Success requires a lot of work, and some people don't want to work hard, so they join gangs and they steal and kill or push dope. And the women gain a sense of power and position by being associated with this sort of stuff. You become important and powerful by proxy. </p>
<p>So, it isn't about compassion. It isn't about really believing they're innocent...they know they're not. It's about getting off on it emotionally, sexually, psychologically...it's about those 15 seconds of fame. It's about somebody so trapped in a prison he can't fool around on you. You're safe and you own him, and all you have to do is show up with cigarettes. It's drama...it's sick. It is seriously sick. And I feel the women who do this are evil. Not pathetic, not pitiful but equally evil. They want to make an allegiance with evil because it's like being reborn with the position and power, the strength and importance and total control. But it's still evil.</p>Staff2012-01-18T15:00:00ZDefending Against a BullyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Defending-Against-a-Bully/-651876977377741219.html2012-01-17T19:46:00Z2012-01-17T19:46:00Z<p>In this week's youtube video, Elizabeth asks how she can explain to a child when it is appropriate to confront a bully - particularly when schools have a zero-tolerance policy for any kind of fighting.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura#p/u/0/kRKckY96mN8" target="_blank"><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; border-width: 0px;" src="/images/blog/defending_against_350p.jpg" alt="Watch Defending Against a Bully" width="350" height="197" /></a><br /><br />Or watch other videos at <a href="/http;/www.youtube.com/drlaura" target="_blank">youtube.com/DrLaura</a></p>Staff2012-01-17T19:46:00ZBeing 'Hot' vs. Being 'Pretty'Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Being-Hot-vs.-Being-Pretty/-780165609407775437.html2012-01-16T15:00:00Z2012-01-16T15:00:00Z<p>You probably all heard about this really stupid story - they are happening more and more and more - when a kid misbehaves in one way or another and the parents call attorneys and the ACLU. It seems everything is self expression, which then is supposed to be protected speech. You may remember a long time ago in England, if you spoke against the royal family, you would end up in the Tower of London and your head would be chopped off. The point of freedom of speech is to be able to speak up against the government and not end up beheaded. It's not used for things like this little "twit" -- I'm sorry it's my opinion she's a twit. I'm not going to say an "alleged" twit because I think this falls under the category of twit. </p>
<p>Here's the story: a Colorado high school rejected 18 year old Sydney Spies' senior photograph she submitted for the yearbook. In the photo, she's on some wrought iron stairs with a light yellow, very, very, very short, little skirt and she's got a shawl around her arms, covering whatever boobs she has -- so she's not even dressed. She's got the long lashes, the kissable lips, the platinum hair and her body is arched. You see, that's the important part. Her body is arched so her butt is sticking out backwards. Now, in the rest of the primate kingdom, that means "mount me."</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>"...The yearbook staff initially accepted the photograph of Sydney posing provocatively in a yellow mini skirt and wearing nothing but a shawl across her chest. But after the holiday, school administrators deemed the photo unacceptable. The yearbook editors invited Sydney to hand in an alternative picture but they also rejected a shot of her in a skin-tight, strapless lacy dress..." </em></p>
<p>This broad wants to be a model, so she's using an inappropriate opportunity to advertise herself. And, of course, the <em>Today Show</em> had her on, so she got her wish: She got a public forum. She is very upset the picture she paid for (a professional modeling photo) would not run in the yearbook.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>"...Sydney isn't backing down. She is paying $300 for a yearbook ad featuring her photo, and the staff has confirmed that the ad can run in the back of the book..."</em></p>
<p>How desperate is this little twit? And of course, her parents are horrified her First Amendment rights are being besmirched. People in our military died to protect our freedom and she's using it is to dress like a tart. I mean, you would see this on one of those websites for when you need a girl for the night or if you want to masturbate to a picture. Here it is... send your $500.</p>
<p>It proves the point the whole feminist movement should really be down on this little twit. Because...what was the saying? .. It was equal pay for equal abilities and equal opportunity to jobs. But the other thing was they didn't want to be treated like sex objects anymore....HA! (And interestingly enough, a huge growing population of CEOs of porn sites are women.)</p>
<p>So, that got me thinking... In the <em>National Catholic Register </em>(they advertise themselves as the nation's most complete Catholic news source), there is a terrific essay by Pat Archbold. It begins:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>This post is intended as a lament of sorts, a lament for something in the culture that is dying and may never been seen again.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>Pretty, pretty is dying.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>People will define pretty differently. For the purposes of this piece, I define pretty as a mutually enriching balanced combination of beauty and projected innocence.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>Once upon a time, women wanted to project an innocence. I am not idealizing another age and I have no illusions about the virtues of our grandparents, concupiscence being what it is. But some things were different in the back then. First and foremost, many beautiful women, whatever the state of their souls, still wished to project a public innocence and virtue. And that combination of beauty and innocence is what I define as pretty.</em></p>
<p>Read the rest of <a href="http://www.ncregister.com/blog/the-death-of-pretty/" target="_blank">"The Death of Pretty"</a> <br /><br />It's funny, I've had women's lib folks tell me I'm sending women back 100 years in their search for equality because I think it's important mommies raise their own children, but Sydney Spies posing like a whore doesn't set women back 100 years to being an object? </p>Staff2012-01-16T15:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/114959969252507685.html2012-01-13T20:08:00Z2012-01-13T20:08:00Z<p><em>Vanity asks the question - is it popular?</em><br /><em>Conscience asks the question - is it right?</em><br /> - Martin Luther King, Jr.<br /> American Baptist Minister and<br /> Civil Rights Leader<br /> 1929 - 1968</p>
<p>Monday, January 16 is Martin Luther King Day.<br /><br /><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" src="/images/blog/mlk_jr_400.jpg" alt="Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial" width="400" height="265" /></p>Staff2012-01-13T20:08:00ZThe Importance of Generosity in a MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Importance-of-Generosity-in-a-Marriage/795298886521070099.html2012-01-12T15:00:00Z2012-01-12T15:00:00Z<p>I've written many books having to do with relationships, but each focused on different aspects of relationships. The most important ones, I think, were <em>The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands</em> and <em>The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage</em> because I pointed out the real element that makes a marriage work is when each person gets up in the morning and thinks about what they can do to make the other person happy and happy they're married to you. In fact, that was so important, I put it on the back cover. No surprise to me to see this show up in other forms.</p>
<p>In December, in the <em>New York Times</em>, they talked about the University of Virginia's National Marriage Project. It studied the role of generosity. Not in the sense of being generous with money or a lot of gifts, but about that moment where you think, "What can I do to make them happy at this moment, much less if they're married to me?"</p>
<p>So generosity is about going above and beyond the ordinary expectations with small, little things, small acts of service -- making an extra effort, such as being affectionate, bringing somebody coffee in the morning, or rubbing their feet.</p>
<p>It turns out men and women with the highest scores on generosity as a scale were far more likely to report they were very happy in their marriages. </p>
<p>Now, you've got a lot of things going on in your mind, heart, body and day so it's not always easy to be generous to your spouse. One particular researcher suggested successful couples say or do at least 5 positive things for every negative interaction with their partner, so they make it 5 to 1...5 to 1. That's really important. It's important with your kids too. If you're going to give them holy hell about things all the time, you really have to balance it with generosity. Children who see parents who are more engaged in this generosity tend to be more generous too (no kidding), which bodes well for their future relationships and their relationship with their parents. So, make small acts of service and an extra effort to be affectionate.</p>
<p>The <em>top 3 predictors of a happy marriage among parents </em>(because having kids is a big stress):</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>1. Sexual intimacy<br /></em><em>2. Commitment<br /></em><em>3. Generosity</em></p>
<p>And they put sex first because the <em>portion of 18 to 46 year-olds with below-average sexual satisfaction who are "very happy" in their marriages</em> is about 6.5%.</p>
<p>In one particular study, couples who reported a high amount of generosity in their relationships were 5 times more likely to say the marriage was "very happy". However, the generosity was not as important as sex. In this study, married men and women who reported above-average sexual satisfaction in their relationship were 10 to 13 times more likely to describe their marriage as "very happy". My assumption though, is this goes in a bit of a circle - i.e., the people who are more generous with each other probably are more turned on to each other because they're so generous with each other and it keeps going in a circle.</p>
<p>Something to consider: 5 to 1 - 5 positive things you say or do for each negative thing you say or do. Try it -- you might like it. You wonder why your marriage is not happy? The fix is actually simple. It's the motivation to do those 5 positive things that seems to be the biggest problem. </p>Staff2012-01-12T15:00:00ZDisappointed With My DateStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Disappointed-With-My-Date/990938301934484958.html2012-01-11T20:49:00Z2012-01-11T20:49:00Z<p>After 12 years of not dating, Abigail has re-entered the scene, but is not sure when she should express disappointment with her date. <br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura#p/u/1/oDQRkZ_Tt1A" target="_blank"><img style="display: block; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; border-width: 0px;" src="/images/blog/disappointed_date_350a.jpg" alt="Watch Disappointed With My Date Video" width="350" height="197" /></a><br /><br />Read the <a href="/b/Disappointed-With-My-Date/871379914108400015.html">transcript<br /></a><br />Or watch other videos at <a href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura" target="_blank">youtube.com/DrLaura</a></p>Staff2012-01-11T20:49:00ZInternet InfidelityStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Internet-Infidelity/-475964096733944479.html2012-01-10T08:00:00Z2012-01-10T08:00:00Z<p>Our society has become more and more permissive and as people no longer espouse family values (in fact they denigrate them), there is something wrong. With no sense of values, there's a rise in behavior that would have raised eyebrows not so long ago. These days, amorality is the ultimate vindication for that behavior, and you'll find this all over the country.</p>
<p>There's a new term to describe "virtual affairs" - those that are conducted online. It's called "e-ffairs". Well folks, it's still wrong! How do you know something is an affair? Well, would you text it, post it or send it with your spouse looking over your shoulder? If you would, then it's not an infidelity. If you wouldn't, you're cheating. And why is all this stuff on the internet so exciting? Well, for some people it's exciting because it has what they consider no responsibility. It's a relationship with no responsibility. But that's not how the non-cheating spouse sees it.</p>
<p>People use the internet because it's accessible, it's affordable and it's anonymous (or so they think). The cool thing about fantasy relationships is they don't require any work. We are entering the age where there's no chivalry, shame, or discretion. We've brought up our two youngest generations with an amoral lens, where everything is justified by something else and you're told you "shouldn't judge." I have been talking a lot about how kids don't really have a sense of time and permanency in the world of the internet. They are sexting right and left, and don't "get" how that can be used against them once it hits the social networks. So I am more concerned about the generations that can't figure out what the big deal is about this. CHIVALRY, SHAME, DISCRETION, VOWS, and RESPONSIBILITY -- <em>that's</em> what the big deal is!</p>Staff2012-01-10T08:00:00Z5 Ways to Make and Keep Your New Year's ResolutionsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/5-Ways-to-Make-and-Keep-Your-New-Years-Resolutions/-247109255275975744.html2011-12-19T16:56:00Z2011-12-19T16:56:00Z<p>Do you know that fewer than half of Americans make New Year's Resolutions?</p>
<p>Of those who do make them, the three most frequent resolutions are about weight loss (no surprise there), exercise, and stopping smoking. Also popular are ones dealing with better money management and debt reduction. </p>
<p>Have you noticed they all have to do with self discipline?<br /><br />Now here's the not-so-good news: one week after the resolution is made (on January 1st), 75% of those who make them have continued with them. By the second week, 71% are still on board. At the one month mark, however, only 64% of those who made resolutions are still working on them, and after six months, it's down to only 46%. While that's less than half of the folks who started by <strong>making</strong> resolutions, it's still something. People are more likely to make permanent changes if they <em>focus</em> in on a concept.</p>
<p>The most common resolutions that show substantial success rates include consuming less alcohol, taking trips and vacations, learning a new skill, managing stress, and getting more education. A little less substantial (but with some success nevertheless) are resolutions like doing more volunteer work, saving money, getting fit, and losing weight.</p>
<p>The resolutions with the least likelihood of success include quitting smoking, overcoming emotional issues or addictions, overspending and debt management. People just don't stick with these.<br /><br />So, <strong><em>if </em></strong>you're going to make New Year's resolutions, here are five key points to know about making them and making them stick:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">1. <em>Keep them very specific.</em> "I'm going to lose weight." No. "I'm going to lose 5 pounds by April." Make it specific.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">2. <em>Make them realistic.</em> You can wish upon a star but in real life you have to pick something realistic. "I want to be rich and famous and powerful" would be more sensible phrased as: "I want to figure out a way to be more productive at work, and I probably can do that by getting in there a half an hour earlier." Again, keeping your resolutions realistic and focused.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">3. <em>Make them known. </em> When you just say things in your own head, nobody knows and you're less likely to follow through. That's why, for example, marital commitments are made in front of community, family and friends, because you're making a statement for everyone to hear. <em>So make them known.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">4. <em>Make them measurable by time.</em> "Every week I'm going to have 2 fewer cigarettes...drink 3 less drinks during that week...walk 2 more miles." Put numbers or dates on them. Put in deadlines.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">5. <em>Make them fun.</em> It's not much fun if you're obese and trying to lose weight, but you could make it fun if you made little pictures, like, "That's what I used to look like; this is what I look like now..." And you can have little pictures on the wall that you drew, showing percentages of weight lost. Every time you see it, it's very motivating. So you can find a way to make resolutions cute and fun -- you can. </p>
<p>Summing it up: make sure your goals are clear and specific, do them in some kind of measurable time so you can actually measure progress, but the big thing is you're either going to be master of yourself or a slave to your impulses. You'll either have discipline and commitment or you won't and that's a quality of character. I know people don't like to hear the word "character" -- they want to hear the word "addiction" because that takes out any issue of character; that means there's nothing in your control. We all know that's bull. Your character is what is measured by you following through on what you put your word to.</p>Staff2011-12-19T16:56:00ZResolving Sibling RivalryStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Resolving-Sibling-Rivalry/155195791133727785.html2011-12-09T15:18:00Z2011-12-09T15:18:00Z<p>Sibling rivalry is a natural part of growing up; there's no way to avoid it. Your best efforts won't avoid it. We can help minimize it, and sometimes redirect it but there's no way to avoid it.</p>
<p>Sibling rivalry is probably at its worst when kids are all under the age of 4. When they're less than 3 years apart, they're very dependent. Think about it: they can't go cook a microwave dinner. They're very dependent upon "Mommy," so subdividing "Mommy" is a threat.<br /> <br />If you look at dogs, the females have what looks like a million teats, so if they have a large number of puppies born, all the puppies get to eat. If you have 3 kids, you don't have 3 breasts, which makes it a little tougher and you usually don't breastfeed two at the same time. I don't know why not, but you don't. So as far as resources of love and attention go, you've got one "Mommy," and many demands.<br /> <br />From age 4 and up - competition between brothers and sisters can heat up. It's usually the worst between 8 and 12 because if they don't have the same interests, there's pull and push and who's better, who's smarter, who is more important, who gets more attention, who does better in school, who does better in sports...all of that.<br /> <br />So here are some quickie ways to handle conflict between kids:</p>
<p><strong>You have to treat each kid as an individual.</strong> Parents tend to fall into the trap of "I'm going to love and treat all my children the same". Well, the kids are not the same - they don't have the same personalities, they don't have the same needs, they don't have the same emotional reflexes (much less physical reflexes). What parents should focus on is identifying and reinforcing the diversity of talent: i.e., "you're unique at this and you're unique at that." And it's really good to sit with kids when the younger ones are looking, for example, at the amazing talent of the older one or sometimes it's the other way around. And you sit down and you go, "Here's the deal. You have Mommy and Daddy here. Mommy is very good at 'blank'; Daddy is not so good at 'blank'. Daddy is good at 'that' and Mommy's not so good at 'that' because we're different people. And when Daddy does really good at 'that', I applaud. And when Daddy sees I'm good at 'that', he applauds. So we're happy about the fact that we're different and we have these good things to applaud." And you teach your kids to do the same thing. "You are definitely fabulous at math, but you are also incredible at art. So when your brother or sister needs to do an art project, you ought to help." "When you're having some trouble with math, go to your brother or sister. They'll help you."</p>
<p>Having a sibling in the position of administering parental support breeds a bond as long as it's not done as a discount. Any time kids are getting along try saying: "That's great how you guys are playing. I really like seeing that; it makes me feel good. You both look so happy and, you know, you're working things out. That's really nice." The more you can look for the times that work and make a comment, the better.<br /> <br /><strong>You've got to really spend time with each kid alone.</strong> Everything can't be a team effort. There has to be special time where you go to the library with one, a ball game with the other, a museum with this one, lunch with that one...they all have to have special time...reading, taking a walk, running an errand...special time. <br /> <br /><strong>Look at how YOU are getting along with your spouse. </strong> Poop rolls downhill (unless it's stuck in something). So when you're bickering with each other with the criticism and the anger and not being happy, the kids will do it with each other. The tension works that way. Through words and actions, you've got to be very love-ish: a lot of hugging, a lot of kissing, a lot of tweaking, a lot of cuteness...just a lot of cuteness. I mean, my kid is 25, 6'2", 208 pounds and when I see him, I come behind him and I give him a big smooch on the top of his head and mess his hair. Of course, if you mess your kid's hair, you're going to get in trouble. But, short of that, always be very affectionate. It's a very important part of life.</p>
<p><strong>I really think parents who try to get their kids to always do stuff together are making a mistake.</strong> Kids need their own time, alone time and their own friend time. So you don't tell your kid, "Bring along your younger sister or brother." Don't do that. Don't ever do that. They need their own time with their own buddies. If you want a babysitter, pay them 5 bucks an hour. It's very important to have kids feel special and you can rotate: special kid of the day. Okay, we do this in this order: 1, 2, 3, 4...(however many kids you have)...in that order, you're the special kid and you get these perks (and we have a list of perks), like you get to choose the TV program at 7 o'clock. And the next night the other one gets to do it. It doesn't matter how old anybody is -- they all get the "special kid" treatment so they're not fighting over a TV show because tonight that one gets to choose. Of course some of you are nuts and have a television in every kid's room and I want to pinch your heads off.<br /> <br />Some of the things I don't want you to do:</p>
<p><strong>Don't compare one kid to another.</strong> "Well your brother/your sister doesn't 'blah blah blah'." Don't do that. "He/she studies; you're just a bum..." Don't do that because they'll hate each other. <br /> <br /><strong>Try not to take sides.</strong> Try not to take sides when they're having a little skirmish. "Well you said...well you did...and you did...and you pushed..." And say, "Well you know what? At this point, I don't care who started it, you're both finishing it. That's it. If I hear more noise about this, you both don't go out for the whole weekend. It doesn't matter whose fault it is, the two of you have to finish it." It's the finishing done well that I'm interested in so they have to become a team or they both get screwed on the weekends.<br /> <br /><strong>Don't over-react. </strong> You really shouldn't discount emotions.<br /> <br />"I hate Johnny. I hate Mary." <br /> <br />"Okay, why do you hate them?" <br /> <br />"Because they do 'such and such'." <br /> <br />"Well I can understand how you can get an emotion so big you'd say 'I hate them', but you can't take their stuff or bounce them over the head or call them bad names. When you feel a feeling, you feel the feeling and we can talk about what to do with the feeling, but these are the things you're not permitted to do with the feeling: you can't hit them, you can't take anything and you can't embarrass them, and you can't do crap like that. But if you're that angry, you're that angry. So you can either come to Mom and Dad and talk about why you're so angry, talk to your brother or sister and tell them you're angry, we can sit all of us and talk about why each one of us is angry because angry happens." <br /> <br />You don't discount the emotion because it's bigger. In order to get accepted, it gets bigger. So you say, "Oh, I can understand why you were angry. However, bopping them on the head is not the way you're going to handle angry. It's unacceptable. But, you're angry, so if that's what happened, I can understand you being angry. I would be angry too." The minute you say that, the anger level goes down. The minute you justify the anger, the anger level goes down. <br /> <br />So I could go on for days, but these are some basic tools that you can try and they all require you to have a sense of humor and be calm. Have a sense of <em>humor </em>and be calm because the more you get into it, you exacerbate it. And definitely do not have parents arguing about it.</p>Staff2011-12-09T15:18:00ZLet Your Conscience Be Your GuideStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Let-Your-Conscience-Be-Your-Guide/297096738385570363.html2011-12-05T20:08:00Z2011-12-05T20:08:00Z<p>There was an article in the news recently about a man who returned money he stole from a Sears store in Seattle in the 1940s. The original theft was between $20 and $30, so the now elderly man returned $100. The store manager believes the man's conscience may have been bothering him for the past 60 years. The store will put the money toward helping needy families.</p>
<p>So I was interested to learn what my listeners have owned up to - even years later - because of their conscience; why they felt it was important to right the wrong and how doing so changed their life. Below are just three examples. </p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>I.</strong><br /><em>When I was a young, very poor child in the 1940's nearly everything was 'too expensive' -- even the little rubber balls on a rubber string that were only ten cents at the Five & Dime store.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>One summer day I stole one of the little balls. It seemed to be such fun but sadly, my great aunt and grandmother had raised me with a conscience. The 'fun' even seemed to be stolen and not so much fun after all.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>Years later, in my 20s we traveled back to my old home town. The first thing I did was go to the store and paid back ten fold for the little ball. The manager was open-mouthed at first and then smiled and thanked me.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>It was a great feeling. Forgiven and restored. That was nearly 60 years ago but the satisfaction of handing a dollar to the store manager and wiping the slate clean is still with me. - P.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>II.</strong><br /><em>When I was twenty-four, already living on my own, my mom had a hysterectomy. A week later it was her 50th birthday. I was supposed to go to her house, but I wanted to go out with my boyfriend instead. I told my brother over the phone it would be real boring because I'd have to sit around and just hold her hand. My mom was listening in on the extension and started to cry. My dad called me back, told me I was a slut, and he was ashamed of me. I went to my boyfriend's house anyway.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>Years later I told my mom there were things I did selfishly I had regretted ever since, and I mentioned the time of her 50th birthday. I realized how much it must have hurt her and I was appalled at my behavior. She said she forgave me, and was proud of the person I had become; I was a good mom and she admired my strength. I replied, "Every good thing I know I learned from you, Mom." I think Mom was choked up and couldn't accept the compliment, but I know my slate was wiped clean and it felt so good.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>When she lay dying this past spring, I was sad and upset, but I never felt we had any unfinished business. In every way that matters, I know Mom loved me and knew I loved her. - L.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><strong>III.</strong><br /><em>In high school, there was a kid who was a real easy target for me. We went to a small school; our class had 20 kids. I was a big kid, had a big mouth and silver tongue, and he was a little slow, didn't have any friends, and torturing him was a quick way to get easy laughs and make myself look cool. It went beyond simple name calling and spit wads. You could say my friends and I were bordering on psychological abuse. I thought about it every now and then over the years, but just shrugged it off as teenage crap.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>This July I went to my 20 year reunion. I was surprised to see him there, in the corner by himself, and, was shocked at the look on his face when he saw me. It was a look of fear and panic. I was made aware in that split second when our eyes met it was much more than 'teenage crap' to that guy. I wasn't a distance memory he could barely recall. He was actually scared of me - 20 years later.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>I felt awful. I spent the next hour or so away from my buddies, one-on-one with him, engaging in good conversation, about what he's been doing and just general catch-up. Unfortunately, life hasn't been much kinder to him than I was all those years ago. Just before the dinner started, I leaned in close and said, "There's something I've got to say to you. I owe you a huge apology for how I treated you, man." He tried to dismiss it and I interrupted. "No, this is important. There was no excuse for the crap you had to endure back then. I have no excuse for the things I said and did, and I was an absolute bastard. I'd like to ask for your forgiveness."</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>He studied me for a second, and then got a huge grin with glassy eyes as he put his hand out. We shook, he said he accepted, and appreciated it.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>The rest of the evening was great, he had a good time, and his spirit seemed to lift. I'm not sure if that had more effect on me or him, but I'm angry at myself for not seeking him out sooner. All I can hope for is I've made it right, and that night was a turning point for him. - C.</em></p>
<p>I do believe no matter how many days, months, years or decade pass, it's a good thing to right the wrong. I've gotten so many calls from people having done something they want to apologize for, but it happened so long ago. Absolutely, send a card, send an email; just don't text -- that's the least sensitive way to apologize. But make a connection and say you're sorry - if you are. Don't excuse it, don't even explain it. The best way to apologize is to say, "I did _________. It was wrong. I regret it. And I'm sorry for any pain I caused you."</p>Staff2011-12-05T20:08:00ZI Am the Face of Child AbuseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/I-Am-the-Face-of-Child-Abuse/317956524385590133.html2011-11-16T19:36:00Z2011-11-16T19:36:00Z<p>When the scandal at Penn State broke, and everyone was scrambling to protect the school football legacy, and coach Joe Paterno, I went on the air livid no one was talking about the children who were allegedly abused by Jerry Sandusky. I dedicated a major portion of my SiriusXM show on Friday, November 11 to any victims of child abuse. I wanted them to tell their stories, so people could no longer distance themselves from those who have had to live their lives with memories of these heinous crimes.<br /> <br />One of the most powerful callers was Roxine, who wrote out her statement so she'd be able to get through it. She has given us permission to reprint it, and I encourage you to share it with all others and especially with those who would like to just "look the other way," and not think of the actual effects of abuse on these children. If you'd like to hear the actual call, <strong><a href="http://drlaura.com/pg/jsp/charts/audioMaster.jsp?dispid=306&pid=85793">click here</a></strong>, but what follows is the text of Roxine's statement:</p>
<p><em>I am the face of child sexual abuse</em></p>
<p><em>And this is the face of my abuser.</em></p>
<p><em>He was my grandfather. "Paw-Paw" sexually abused me from age 5 to 13. And people knew.</em></p>
<p><em>The events unfolding at Penn State involving the sexual abuse of children and subsequent cover-up has awoken that little 5-year-old girl who deserved to be protected, who deserved a childhood, who deserved to live, who deserved for someone to say something to make it stop - as did all of the victims of this sexual deviant at Penn State.</em><br /><em> </em><br /><em>The sexual abuse of a child not only takes away their innocence, it takes away their life, because who that child was supposed to be is forever changed. And while we don't carry scars that you can see, they are there. Internal, emotional scars, filled with trust and betrayal issues, fear and anger, loss; sometimes we are unable to find value in ourselves as human beings because we were once just objects used to satisfy someone's abnormal sexual desires. Once we are old enough to realize that what our abusers did to us isn't right, we begin to think that maybe we had no worth, because no one protected us, no one stood up for us, no one cared.</em><br /><em> </em><br /><em>Used and discarded, we are left to seek out "love" and "value" in the only way we know how, through sexual behaviors that aren't rooted in real relationships. We don't know how to have relationships because we can never trust anyone fully. The relationships we counted on as children failed us. No one stood up for us. No one protected us. No one spoke up.</em></p>
<p><em>Because child sexual abuse is taboo, it makes people feel uncomfortable. And it is this uncomfortable feeling that leaves the door open for the abuse to continue. The incredulous thoughts of "not in my family, not him, not her, no way he or she could do that" make people question what they actually saw, or makes them doubt what they know is true. Because it is such a gut-wrenching notion to imagine a child being raped by an adult, people would rather rationalize it than deal with it. They would rather it just go away than have to face it. Our mental self-preservation mode kicks in and we try not to think about such awful, monstrous acts on a child.</em></p>
<p><em>Already, just a few days into this news story, there are articles, reporters and radio hosts saying they just want to be done with it. It makes them so uncomfortable that they just want it to go away. But for us, for the little kids who suffered the heinous acts of child sexual abuse, this never goes away. In a way, we welcome this conversation and want it to continue. It is the only way that some will listen. That little 5-year old girl is screaming at the top of her lungs for you to help her - if it doesn't look right, if it doesn't feel right - go with your gut - say something, do something, anything. Don't just walk away because it makes you uncomfortable. Don't sweep it under the rug because you don't want to embarrass the family or the team or the university.</em></p>
<p><em>Children cannot protect themselves. It is our duty to keep them safe. Speak up. I would rather say something and be uncomfortable, than say nothing and risk losing another child. No matter what, always protect the child. If any of those involved had said something, they would be hailed a hero. Instead, they turned a blind eye. In my opinion, they are no better than the perpetrator himself.</em></p>Staff2011-11-16T19:36:00ZJoe Paterno and the Penn State Child Abuse HorrorStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Joe-Paterno-and-the-Penn-State-Child-Abuse-Horror/926845419267955920.html2011-11-11T19:41:00Z2011-11-11T19:41:00Z<p>It is my never-to-be-humble opinion that coach Joe Paterno from Penn State ought to be in jail. Fired wasn't enough. Let's see, endangering the welfare of minors, knowing kids were being molested and not reporting it to the police? I don't know, I think that should be actionable.<br /> <br />The other night just before I went to sleep, I turned on the computer looking to see if there's anything I really need to talk about on my program the next day. What I saw was a video of 2,000 moronic, amoral young people, spoiled rotten with no moral compass clapping, laughing, smiling and shouting, "We stand up for our school! Paterno is our iconic hero!." These were totally misguided protests from creepy kids on the campus. And they had nothing to say about the victims. Me? I would throw them all out of school.</p>
<p>Jerry Sandusky abused little boys over a period of 15 years. Not only that, but the story gets worse when you learn where some of them were "done". I would say, "More than ever Paterno should be fired. He took no moral responsibility and did not follow through on the information he knew so he could protect little kids. And yet he talks about his 17 grandkids..." <br /> <br />Would he have felt differently if Sandusky had done one of his grandkids? I don't know. Think he would've stepped forward to do anything? What? And mess with Penn State football? I don't know, maybe he'd sacrifice one of his own grandkids too; I have no clue. But those 2,000 students, who had no clue, morally, as to what this was really all about, make me sick for our future. And the parents...if you're parents of any of those kids who were out there, you should be embarrassed you produced critters like that.<br /> <br />Good for the board for not allowing Paterno to write the blueprint for his own exit. He wanted to leave on his own terms. Creep. He wanted to finish out the season. They got his butt out of there anyway. He didn't help the young victims of "alleged" sexual predator Jerry Sandusky, his former defensive coordinator, and he knew about it. <br /> <br />Paterno made a statement on Wednesday. He described himself as <em>"'absolutely devastated' by the recent indictment of Sandusky for 40 counts of sexual abuse across 15 years."</em> He promised <em>"to pray for the 'comfort and relief' of the victims identified."</em> And he had the friggin' gall to say, <em>"With the benefit of hindsight, I wish I had done more."</em> That's an admission of guilt. The victims probably wish he had done more too.<br /> <br />To add to this, the current assistant coach Mike McQueary, who was then a graduate assistant, walked into the Penn State shower to see Sandusky raping a 10 year old boy, and turned around and walked out. He turned around and walked out. He is 6'4", 220 pounds, and he turned around and walked out. He didn't call the police. He told his dad and he told Paterno. "I saw it with my own eyes." And what did that bastard do? Nothing. Why? Probably because he thinks, "I am God. I am a football coach for Penn State."<br /> <br />Loyal students camped outside Paterno's house chanting, "Joe must stay!," cheering a man who could've stopped a predator from attacking kids, had he just dialed 911. They are cheering to keep him because football is king, success breeds power, power breeds influence, influence breeds a bullet-proof arrogance and most of our young people have absolutely no concept of morality.</p>Staff2011-11-11T19:41:00ZRaising Boys Into MenStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Raising-Boys-Into-Men/490633094405644667.html2011-10-20T14:59:00Z2011-10-20T14:59:00Z<p>I was reading William Bennett's article, "<a href="http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2011/10/14/have-forgotten-how-to-raise-boys-into-men/?test=faces#ixzz1b4ulSG9a" target="_blank">Have We Forgotten How to Raise Boys Into Men?</a>" and realized I talk about this on my program way too often, which is a sad state of affairs. Bennett comments:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>Fashioning men has never been easy, but today it seems particularly tough. Boys need heroes to embody the everlasting qualities of manhood: <strong>honor, duty, valor, and integrity</strong>.</em></p>
<p>Mostly I hear from women who marry young guys who play video games.</p>
<p>Bennett goes on to state:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>Without such role models, boys will naturally choose perpetual childhood over the rigors of becoming a man-as many women, teachers, coaches, employers, and adults in authority can quickly attest to today.</em></p>
<p>Even though the National Organization of (I Don't Know What Kind) of Women continues to bleat and lie, women are better educated, more ambitious, and more successful than men today than ever before. But we see a real decline in manhood. Men earning college degrees have fallen from 60% in 1970 to 43% in 2006. In 1950, only five percent of men in the prime working age were unemployed. Today, it's at 20%, the highest ever recorded.</p>
<p>But that's not even the biggest problem. The biggest problem we have in our society today is men are more distant from their family and children than ever before. The out-of-wedlock birthrate is over 40%. Fathers are missing from their boys' lives in devastating numbers. </p>
<p>And, except on 9/11 when we talked about how the firefighters were heroes because of their honor, duty, valor and integrity, we're left with basically two images of manhood: machismo street hoods and males who refuse to grow up. Kay Hymowitz, who's a great writer, talks about this in her article: "<a href="http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704409004576146321725889448.html" target="_blank">Where Have the Good Men Gone?</a>"</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>Young men were tuning in to cable channels... whose shows reflected the adolescent male preferences of its targeted male audiences. They watched movies with overgrown boy actors... cheering their awesome car crashes, fart jokes, breast and crotch shots, beer pong competitions and other frat-boy pranks.</em></p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;"><em>... It's been an almost universal rule of civilization that girls became women simply by reaching physical maturity, but boys had to pass a test. They needed to demonstrate courage, physical prowess or mastery of the necessary skills. The goal was to prove their competence as protectors and providers. Today, however, with women moving ahead in our advanced economy, husbands and fathers are now optional, and the qualities of character men once needed to play their roles - fortitude, stoicism, courage, fidelity - are obsolete.</em> </p>
<p>And then I came upon this blog by Thomas Matlock: "<a href="http://www.babble.com/toddler/toddler-behavior-and-learning/raising-boys-fathers-parenting-advice/" target="_blank">Raising Boys: A Dad's Parenting Advice for Moms</a>." He brings up ten points about boys that moms forget or want to change. Just a few include: "Think caveman," " Yes, it really is all about poop," " Pointless physical activity is perfect," and "Bedtime is sacred."</p>
<p>In my opinion, the basic problem we have in marriages today is a feminine disdain for masculinity and a refusal of males to rise to the occasion and act like strong men, not "wussies" afraid of their women. We need them to embrace <em>honor, duty, valor and integrity</em>. Instead we have at least two generations of boys raised to be male-looking girls.</p>Staff2011-10-20T14:59:00ZThere's No Such Thing As Internet AnonymityStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Theres-No-Such-Thing-As-Internet-Anonymity/-786558996960592731.html2011-10-07T15:34:00Z2011-10-07T15:34:00Z<p>Let me put things into perspective. When I was a college professor, it was standard for students to fill out opinion surveys at the end of the course on what kind of job you did in the class. Actually, when I was a student in college, we were asked to do the same thing and the opinions were anonymous. Well, not in my case. I always signed mine, because I felt if a crotchety, bitter student took out their failures, insecurities, and lack of effort on somebody who has an esteemed job and is earning a living and supporting a family, they ought to put down their name. Otherwise, it presumes they expect something bad will happen if a teacher finds out. That makes the teachers “bad” people and the students “good” people and I thought that was b.s. when I was a student. So, I always signed mine, whether it was good or bad. </p>
<p>When I got to be a college teacher, I gave that lecture. If you are going to comment on me, good, bad or indifferent, you ought to stand up and be counted for your opinion. Just like in a court, you have to face your accuser. You shouldn’t be able to hide behind anonymity and hurt somebody. Most students never signed them. They were brought up with cowardice and the feeling of entitlement that somehow an 18-year-old kid knows what constitutes quality teaching based on whether or not they could do the work. </p>
<p>Then we had the internet. I’m not saying the internet is evil, just like electricity is not evil even though you can stick your finger inside a socket and die. That does not make electricity evil. The internet is not evil, but it can be used in an evil way, and it has been. The greatest number of sites in any one category is porn. It’s probably the number one way pedophiles get to rape, molest and murder your children. Children give out all kinds of information because they are naïve and curious and thrill seeking and don’t get it. I would also say most parents do not tightly supervise their kids’ use of cell phones and the internet in general. </p>
<p>So, the internet has become a very dangerous place. People can create accounts using other people’s names, they can hack in, they can put up horrible things, humiliate and try to destroy somebody and they can do all of this anonymously and they are protected by Google or whomever because they have a rule “we can’t tell.” This is infuriating. I got into a minor tussle, myself personally, where a website that has interesting information on one of my hobbies, also has forum sites where people use pseudonyms and the site protects the pseudonyms. I don’t think there should be pseudonyms. I see no reason for people to be able to comment on anything, anonymously. I had a long discussion about that to the person running the site. He thought there would be a lot more activity and therefore, he would make a lot more money, if it was anonymous. Ok, so he follows the money. What can I do?</p>
<p>The anonymity, in my opinion, allows the worst in people to come out, especially kids. Think about all the horrible things kids do to each other on Facebook and MySpace which have caused some kids to kill themselves, yet they are protected. The anonymity allows evil to really flow. So, it was interesting recently when there was an article in the <em>New York Times </em>saying “<em>Upending Anonymity, These Days the Web Unmasks Everyone.</em>” The article says:</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Not too long ago, theorists fretted the Internet was a place where anonymity thrived.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Now, it seems, it is the place where anonymity dies.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">Women who were online pen pals of former Representative Anthony D. Weiner similarly learned how quickly Internet users can sniff out all the details of a person’s online life. So did the men who set fire to cars and looted stores in the wake of Vancouver’s Stanley Cup defeat when they were identified, <a title="Vancouver Sun story about Facebook tagging." href="http://www.seattlepi.com/local/article/Vancouver-rioters-prosecuted-by-the-Internet-1432081.php" target="_blank">tagged by acquaintances online</a>.</p>
<p style="padding-left: 30px;">The collective intelligence of <a title="World Internet usage" href="http://www.internetworldstats.com/stats.htm" target="_blank">the Internet’s two billion users</a>, and the digital fingerprints that so many users leave on Web sites, combine to make it more and more likely that every embarrassing video, every intimate photo, and every indelicate e-mail is attributed to its source, whether that source wants it to be or not.</p>
<p>I’m happy for this erosion of anonymity which is a product of pervasive social media services, cheap cellphone cameras, free photo and video Web hosts, and perhaps most important of all, a change in people’s views about what ought to be public and what ought to be private. Experts say Web sites like Facebook, which require real identities and encourage the sharing of photographs and videos, have hastened this change.</p>
<p>People involved in riots also find themselves on the net. If you do things in public in Middle Eastern countries like Iran and Syria, activists have sometimes succeeded in identifying victims of dictatorial violence through anonymously uploaded YouTube videos.</p>
<p>They have also succeeded in identifying fakes: In a widely publicized case recently, a blogger who claimed to be a Syrian-American lesbian and called herself “A Gay Girl in Damascus” was revealed to be an American man, Tom MacMaster.</p>
<p>The internet is getting to be less and less a place where bad guys can hide. Should you be concerned? Yes, a lot of you are innocently putting up a lot of information which gives the bad guys ways to get to you and yours, e.g., by signing up for dating sites.</p>
I’m pretty careful, but still I get emailed all sorts of things. For about a month, I was getting requests to sign up for senior dating sites. I must admit that ticked me off; I showed them to my husband and we couldn’t stop laughing because I said it was the “senior” part that ticked me off the most!Staff2011-10-07T15:34:00ZWhen Bad Things Happen to ChildrenStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-Bad-Things-Happen-to-Children/10097.html2011-09-20T07:00:00Z2011-09-20T07:00:00ZOn my SiriusXM show recently, I spoke about the meaning of life, and then I got this email from Lisa:<br /> <br />
<blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding: 0px;"><em>I heard part of your program today and you read about the different thoughts about the meaning of life... I've been thinking about that, too.<br /> </em><em><br /> </em><em>As the mother of a child who is dying of cancer, like many of us, we are losing our faith in a big powerful "daddy in the sky" that hears our prayers. I've heard from Christians that "God doesn't give you what you can't handle" but I can't handle this. "God gives you strength to get through it" - no, He doesn't. I'm about to lose my mind... the pain is much too great to bear. I hear that this is God's plan, or that God needs another angel. If he needed another angel, he would just take one, HE WOULDN'T TORTURE THEM FIRST! How could he PLAN to put a child through this kind of HELL? What good could ever come out of this?<br /> </em><em><br /> </em><em>September is Childhood Cancer Awareness month. We wear gold ribbons, but only 3% of cancer research goes to childhood cancers. Does anybody care? Is the meaning of life only to do research on the "popular" cancers because they are the ones that will make money for the one who finds the cure? My son's cancer is so rare that he gets the same chemotherapy he would have had in the 1980s... it doesn't get researched.<br /> </em><em><br /> </em><em>Please tell me what the meaning of life is!</em></blockquote>
<br /> If you look at God as a "big powerful daddy in the sky that hears [your] prayers" and will give you what you want, and if you are a good person, you can't help but be disappointed on a daily basis. That doesn't seem to be the way it works. <br /> <br /> I know no other pain on the face of the earth that is greater than a parent having to see their child suffer and die. I think parents would rather <em>they</em> suffer and die and trade themselves in for their kids. So, this is the worst torture, but this is not a test of God. That someone's child or husband or wife or parent or friend gets ill and dies is not a test of whether or not there is a God. There isn't a test of whether or not there is a God -- that's why it's called "faith." To say that "I'm dubious about God" because my prayers aren't being answered in the way that I want, is, in my opinion, never to have understood faith in the first place, but just to have played a social role in which you call yourself "religious." <br /> <br /> There is no explanation for these things. And, I agree with Lisa when she writes: "If he needed another angel, he would just take one, HE WOULDN'T TORTURE THEM FIRST!....What good could ever come out of this?" I like that answer of hers. I think telling somebody this is God's plan is a little obnoxious and I always thought it was. It's your assumption God is planning this. You have no proof of that. People go back to the story of Job and what he had to suffer and Abraham who almost wiped out his own kid until God said, "I see you really love me. You don't have to do this." <br /> <br /> There are some important concepts and issues here. When any of us says "I can't handle this," yet we make it through every day, we <strong><em>are</em></strong> handling it. "Handling it" doesn't mean it feels good or it's easy; "handling it" usually means we are surviving it and doing the best we can.<br /> <br /> I don't understand all of the mass murders of the world -- Stalin, Pol Pot, Germany, Japan. I don't understand how that's God's will or God's plan. It doesn't make any sense to me, either. And I don't know how to put it together. I don't know how it's God's plan to have little children put in ovens and killed. Or mommies and their children shot to death and put into a hole in the ground, naked. I don't understand how any of that is God's plan. So, I have no answer to that. <br /> <br /> This was not a theological thing where I was going to explain what life really means, other than there's always been horror. It's like the horror films you see in the movies where there's evil and someone in the church or somebody else finally squelches the evil and at the end you see the evil creeping up through the ground again. <br /> <br /> There is evil, there is disappointment, there is pain, there is everything. So, ultimately, whether you really believe in God or not, we really need to hold on to each other. There is something about touching the hand of another who corroborates your pain. That's why with parents in this situation, I always tell them to find other parents in this situation. They will be the first ones to hug you and they won't get tired of hearing from you like other relatives will. It's not they get tired, per se, it's just they can't do anything to help and it's upsetting, so they don't want to hear it anymore. They are not being bad, they just don't know how to fix it. They feel guilt and they feel uncomfortable and then they start feeling anger. So, to go to people who have been there and done that is the way we hold on to each other. Some people call <strong><em>that</em></strong> behavior the way God helps you go through things which are inexplicable. <br /> <br /> So, let's not call bad things that happen "God's plan," because that hurts people. God planned to hurt my kid? You're gonna tell me, there's some higher power and I'm supposed to rise above that pain and say absolutely "I adore you?" I think it's a horrible thing to tell people. I don't think it's good to tell kids God's an all-powerful "daddy in the sky" who can do anything. Well, then why isn't he doing it for me? I don't like when people walk out of a bus that just been in a crash and they are alive and everyone else is dead and they say, "but for the grace of God." What the heck does that mean? God intentionally wiped them out and kept you?<br /> <br /> I think we want to feel special like we feel to a parent. God is some kind of extension of parenthood. We sometimes don't realize how cruel we sound. So, here's my frame of reference for all of this. There are evil things people do because they are evil. There are horrible things that happen just because there are horrible things that happen. The human body has weaknesses and that's just the way it is. There aren't cures for everything because we are not good enough yet to produce them. It's hard to get money for things only a few people suffer from - Lisa is right about that. <br /> <br /> The bottom line is we've got to hold on to each other. That's the immediate salvation: to hold on to each other's love, support, and kind feeling. It's irrelevant if bad things are happening or not. The way to make it through life, I believe, is to really be compassionate and to be open to compassion. That's what helps you get through the things that are inexplicable and horrible.Staff2011-09-20T07:00:00ZPaying for My Children's DisrespectStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Paying-for-My-Childrens-Disrespect/10093.html2011-09-16T07:00:00Z2011-09-16T07:00:00ZA family has two sons in their twenties who haven't gotten past the teenage years of disrespect and ingratitude:<br /> <br />
<div></div>
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura#p/a/u/0/dLnNM-FXBsc" target="_blank"><img style="border-width: 0px; border-style: solid;" src="/images/Site/Blog/paying_for_275p.jpg" alt="" /></a></div>
<br /> <br /> Watch other videos at <a class="podcast-recommended-article" href="http://www.youtube.com/DrLaura" target="_blank">YouTube.com/DrLaura</a>Staff2011-09-16T07:00:00ZSleep Deprivation Can Even Make You UnethicalStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Sleep-Deprivation-Can-Even-Make-You-Unethical/10086.html2011-09-14T07:00:00Z2011-09-14T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />An article in the <em>New York Times</em> about sleep said it's a necessity, not a luxury. For a lot of people, it's a luxury, but it turns out that it's an absolute necessity on many levels. And most of you are living in a state of chronic sleep deprivation, which is a really bad thing.<br />
<br />
<em>"Studies have shown that people function best after seven to eight hours of sleep."</em> So it's best at least to aim for seven. Get this: In the last 50 years, <em>"the average night's sleep for adults in the United States dropped to six and a half hours from more than eight."</em> Some experts predict that this is going to get worse, mainly because you folks permit yourselves to be distracted by emails, instant text messaging, online shopping, online porn...online anything. That flat, little screen in front of you is robbing you of sleep.<br />
<br />
Now, what does that mean? Well I can't blame it all on the fact that you're doing the wrong things...you know, with advancing age (something I know nothing about yet), natural changes in sleep quality occur. It's not unusual for people, as they get older, to take longer to fall asleep....they tend to get sleepier early in the evening, and they tend to awaken earlier in the morning. Much of the time <em>"is spent in the lighter stages of sleep, less in the restorative deep sleep. R.E.M. sleep, during which the mind processes emotions and memories and relieves stress, declines with age."</em><br />
<br />
There are some bad habits you have that can ruin your sleep also: <br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Not getting enough physical activity</li>
<li>Not spending enough time outdoors (turns out <em>"sunlight is the body's main regulator of sleepiness and wakefulness"</em>. That's hormonal.) </li>
<li>Crappy diet</li>
<li>Sometimes <em>"medications can disrupt sleep."</em></li>
<li><em>"Having a partner who snores."</em></li>
<li>Too much alcohol (it's a nervous system depressant but, in fact, it disrupts sleep.)</li>
</ul>
<br />
And there are sleep-robbing health issues like arthritis that is painful, <em>diabetes</em>, depression, anxiety, sleep apnea, hot flashes...there are all kinds of things that happen that can disrupt our sleep. But there are a number of reasons we need our sleep. Restorative is at the top of the list. Also, you look a lot more attractive when you're rested. Somebody actually paid to do a research project which in which photographs of people were taken when they had good sleep and when they hadn't...and the research showed (I don't know, did this research cost a million dollars?) that when you sleep, you look better! Really? I love this kind of research - it's a true waste of money.<br />
<br />
Losing sleep also makes you fatter or at least fatter than you'd otherwise be. Harvard looked at 68,000 middle-aged women, and followed them for 16 years, and <em>"those who slept five hours or less each night were found to weigh 5.4 pounds more."</em> This is a 16 year research project to get that answer? Five pounds? Two weeks of potato chips; we can do that.<br />
<br />
Basically this is the case, because when you're up later, you tend to nosh...munch, munch, munch. You could add a pound in two weeks. So you need to get your sleep. If you can take naps, they also help your brain function, and improve your energy, your mood, and your productivity. <br />
<br />
But I loved this tidbit from the <em>Washington Post: "Sleep deprivation can make you unethical."</em> Two business school professors did some research in sleep labs. <em>"They found that a lack of sleep led not just to poor performance on tasks that require 'innovative thinking, risk analysis, strategic planning'- but also to increased deviant and unethical behavior."</em> These people are ruder, have more inappropriate responses, and attempt to make money they haven't earned. They tend to cheat. And the irony in this is that, in business, everybody gets so impressed if you've been up all night working on projects, papers, analysis, taking red-eye flights to meet clients...everybody considers you a hero. Instead, companies should really be giving you sleep awareness training (If there is such a thing), because these workaholic cultures, without the restorative opportunities, actually <em>"cost the U.S. economy some $150 billion annually in accidents and productivity losses."</em> The percentage of folks <em>"who sleep less than six hours a night has jumped from 13 to 20 percent"</em> in the last 10 years.<br />
<br />
So we become less ethical people and we don't do what we have to do as well. Other than that, if you don't want to sleep, I suppose it's just fine. <br />
<br />
References:<br />
<a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/31/health/31brody.html" target="_blank">NY Times article</a> <br />
<a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-leadership/post/why-sleep-deprivation-can-makeyou-unethical/2011/04/01/AFIIxT2G_blog.html?wprss=post-leadership" target="_blank">Washington Post (5/13/11) article</a>Staff2011-09-14T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/10075.html2011-09-09T07:00:00Z2011-09-09T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" /><em>The attacks of September 11th were intended to break our spirit. Instead, we have emerged stronger and more unified...We are more determined than ever to live our lives in freedom.</em><br />
<blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;"> - Rudolph W. Giuliani<br />
Former Mayor of New York City</blockquote><br />
<br />
This Sunday, on the tenth anniversary of the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, as well as the fourth attack thwarted by the brave passengers on United Airlines Flight 93, remember those who were lost and the families they left behind.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><img alt="" src="/images/Site/Blog/911_flags.jpg" style="border-width: 0px;border-style: solid;" /></div>Staff2011-09-09T07:00:00ZI Stuck My Nose In and Got BacklashStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/I-Stuck-My-Nose-In-and-Got-Backlash/10071.html2011-09-08T07:00:00Z2011-09-08T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />The urge can be irresistible: the husband of a relative finally has the guts to leave what you think is a bad marriage, and you think she's to blame for it. Instead of keeping that thought to yourself, you pull some drama straight out of reality TV and tell her exactly what you think to her face. Your family has now turned you into an outcast... and you're surprised?!<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura#p/a/u/0/r2q8x41ILfQ"><img alt="" src="/images/Site/Carousel/stuck_nose_275p.jpg" style="border-width: 0px;border-style: solid;" /></a></div>
<br />
Watch other videos at <a href="http://www.youtube.com/DrLaura" target="_blank">YouTube.com/DrLaura</a>Staff2011-09-08T07:00:00ZIt's Dangerous To Be A Guy on CampusStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Its-Dangerous-To-Be-A-Guy-on-Campus/10064.html2011-09-02T07:00:00Z2011-09-02T07:00:00Z<img class="blog-icon-large" alt="Icon" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" />I received a letter from the folks at <a href="http://www.saveservices.org/" target="_blank">SAVE</a> (Stop Abusive and Violent Environments). They’re a group of people dedicated to improving the effectiveness of America’s approach to solving the problem of domestic violence through education, training, and awareness programs. Well, they’ve expanded a little and are actively protesting against a new set of rules issued by the Department of Education regarding sexual assault on campus. I’ve decided to reprint the letter here:<br />
<br />
<em>When sexual morality breaks down, lives get chaotic. When lives get chaotic, the government steps in to deal with the mess - and that rarely ends well.<br />
<br />
Two recent stories vividly illustrate this principle:<br />
<br />
Story 1: Newsweek just released an unusual and provocative set of college rankings. One of the lists – we kid you not - is the <a target="_blank" href="http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/features/college-rankings/2011/horniest.html">25 "horniest" campuses</a>. These are the colleges "where students have the best odds of hooking up." This is presented as an appealing feature of these campuses.<br />
<br />
Story 2: The Department of Education recently issued <a href="http://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/letters/colleague-201104.pdf" target="_blank">new rules</a> telling colleges, in great detail, how they must handle accusations of sexual assault or harassment. The rules in effect strip accused men (students or faculty) of the presumption of innocence and the right to confront their accuser, even when they're facing expulsion.<br />
<br />
So on the one hand, liberals celebrate the "hook up" culture, the ultimate expression of their precious sexual revolution. And the place where liberalism reigns supreme - the American university - is now the scene of sexual anarchy. On the other hand, college boys who have obediently "explored their sexuality" face career-ending prosecution by an academic inquisition that will probe every salacious detail of their intimate encounters. The irony couldn’t be richer.<br />
<br />
The results are seen in an illuminating article in Philadelphia magazine: “<a href="http://www.phillymag.com/articles/the_new_rules_of_college_sex/" target="_blank">The New Rules of College Sex</a>.” And we now have the inevitable <a href="http://www.timesfreepress.com/news/2011/aug/24/sewanee-lawsuit-trial-begins/" target="_blank">lawsuit</a>, brought by a young man who was expelled from Sewanee after an obviously fraudulent accusation of rape: <a href="http://www.timesfreepress.com/news/2011/aug/24/sewanee-lawsuit-trial-begins/" target="_blank">http://www.timesfreepress.com/news/2011/aug/24/sewanee-lawsuit-trial-begins/</a><br />
<br />
The federal rules about sexual assault on campus are such an egregious assault on basic civil rights that a backlash is brewing. (Even the American Association of University Professors <a href="http://thefire.org/public/pdfs/7ea041e49156306ba76cb62a4f8c6c65.pdf?direct" target="_blank">has protested</a>.) <a href="http://www.saveservices.org/" target="_blank">SAVE</a> is leading the charge against these rules. We advocate for men falsely accused on domestic violence. Your listeners can find our more at our website <a href="http://www.saveservices.org/" target="_blank">saveservices.org</a>.<br />
<br />
Stop Abusive and Violent Environments (SAVE)</em>Staff2011-09-02T07:00:00ZPedophilia is Normal Say Some Mental Health ProsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Pedophilia-is-Normal-Say-Some-Mental-Health-Pros/10057.html2011-09-01T07:00:00Z2011-09-01T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />About 10 years ago, there was a major point I could not get people to see or believe. I said the sole end game of the liberalization of sexuality in our culture was to have sex with children. <br />
<br />
You look at societies throughout history and there are many societies in which having sex with children was okay. You look at a place like Afghanistan and unless the men want to have babies, they do boys and animals. This is nothing new on the face of the earth. But, in western civilization, this is an issue and I said back then the end game was to have sex with kids. <br />
<br />
So, I found an article on Fox News titled "Mental Health Group Looks to Remove Stigma From Pedophilia," which says:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;"><em>"A group of psychiatrists and other mental health professionals say it's time to change the way society views individuals who have physical attractions to children.<br />
<br />
The organization, which calls itself B4U-Act, is lobbying for changes to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM, the guideline of standards on mental health that's put together by the American Psychiatric Association."</em></blockquote><br />
The DSM is the one where you look up a number for the disorder so the insurance companies will pay. And, let me remind you for the umpteenth time: there is nothing in psychology that makes it a science. What goes in and out of the DSM as a disorder is based on social pressures and voting. It has nothing to do with science. I want you all clear...psychology is NOT a science.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;"><em>"The group says its mission is to help pedophiles before they create a crisis, and to do so by offering a less critical view of the disorder."</em></blockquote><br />
That's just a bunch of bull and it's words. Words sell things, and even "nice" words can be co-opted to do some awful things.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;"><em>"B4U-Act said that 38 individuals attended a symposium in Baltimore ...[and] the speakers in attendance concluded that "minor-attracted" individuals are largely misunderstood and should not be criminalized even as their actions should be discouraged."</em></blockquote><br />
I said a long time ago the end game of all this social liberalization (unknown to people even amidst the social liberalization) was to do your kids and not be criminalized for it, and this is what this article refers to.<br />
<br />
Many of you may not know or may not remember the American Psychological Association published the infamous "Rind article" in its 1998 <em>Psychological Bulletin</em>. This was a study which downplayed the impact of men having sex with boys, finding quite a few of the boys remembered their molestations positively, and not every child who has been molested has problems.<br />
<br />
That's like saying "I shot you in the head and you survived; therefore getting shot in the head is not a bad thing." This article was published by the American Psychological Association, and it said essentially man/boy sex was okay as long as the boys consented, because it was "love."<br />
<br />
I went on the air after the Rind article was published and I was very clear about this article wanting to decriminalize screwing your kids. Grown men screwing your boys: "it wasn't a bad thing, it was a 'love' thing. It's a cultural problem; people are just misunderstanding it." <br />
<br />
Well, I went ballistic and I got everyone in my office on the phone to Congress, and I asked the audience to do the same. I want to tell you the upshot, and I'm going to take all the credit for it. It was <strong><em>my </em></strong>pressure which made Congress condemn the study and the American Psychological Association for the first time in its entire history backed down and apologized and the president of the American Psychological Association found another job. I am proud to say I had enough power to mobilize enough people. And Rind and his buddies were still invited to talk everywhere and were still published in other places.<br />
<br />
Well, that may have happened, but we still have mental health professionals going to a symposium from a group which looks to remove the stigma from pedophilia. "It's a cultural thing." If the culture allows it, it's not a bad thing, they say. It's not a bad thing for example in Afghanistan. So, if it's the norm (like Rome before it fell), what's the big deal? This is savage and all I can say is, I warned you.<br />
<br />
I want you to understand the attempt to normalize screwing your children is still on in full gear. <br />
<br />
They refer to pedophiles as "minor-attracted individuals." How benign can you make it? That's why I call things as they are. There needs to be clarity. When you say "minor-attracted individuals," you can follow it up with "are largely misunderstood and should not be criminalized." So, don't be impressed just because someone is a psychologist or a psychiatrist. You have to be very afraid because people get into positions of power to change things. If I were a pedophile and I wanted to get it normalized and not criminalized, I would secretly and quietly get a bunch of my buddies and we'd join the psychological associations and teacher associations -- everywhere there are kids -- and get in positions of power. And then we'd gently start using different words (i.e., words that don't shock, words that don't alarm, words that don't send up red flags) and slowly make it happen. Remember the Rind study said it was not a problem; kids were not hurt by this. And the American Psychological Association actually published that.Staff2011-09-01T07:00:00ZWork Habits That WorkStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Work-Habits-That-Work/10046.html2011-08-30T07:00:00Z2011-08-30T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />A lot of you are struggling with making sure you keep your jobs in this economic climate. I think the qualities for making sure you keep your job are closely related to the ones you need even if you want to get a promotion, much less keep your job. So I did a little research on the types of behaviors that keep you employed and possibly even get promoted.<br />
<br />
First of all, constantly look around and see what else you can do. A lot of people have a sense of entitlement: "Well my job description is 'blankety-blank' so, you know, I'm not going to put more paper in the copier." When I first went through all of the qualities I'll mention here, I thought about all my peeps. Each of my peeps has a job description, but when push comes to shove, they each act like the company is theirs. So if there's no paper in the copier, well their company doesn't have paper in the copier so they put paper in. No one (including me) thinks they're above doing anything. I am notorious for cleaning up...they're always going "here she goes again". That's not in my job description; I am the host. Heck, we're all in this together and whatever needs to be done, we do it. That's a team effort. And people who have the team effort mentality do better with their bosses and do better with their co-workers.<br />
<br />
Now everything I'm going to say presumes you're not working for a nutcase. We leave out the nutcases. If you're working for a nutcase, get another job. Nonetheless, 99.9% are working for reasonable people. If you behave as though you're part of the team, everybody will appreciate you, including the boss who will find you indispensable. "This is a person who will put the coffee on, as well as made the PowerPoint presentation for the CEO of this Fortune 500"...whatever. So that's really important.<br />
<br />
Next? Be observant. Pay attention to the people who seem to be doing well with the company. I ask that question a lot when people have concerns about what's going on at work. "Well, who are the people that are doing very well? Who are the people who are liked? Who are the people seemingly getting ahead? Who are the people who have the eye of the boss? What is it they do? How do they behave? What do they contribute? What are their people skills? Communication skills? How do they get along with people?" So observe. Drop the competitiveness, drop the cattiness and just observe. What skills, what attitudes do the people doing well have you could take?<br />
<br />
In addition to being a team player (this may sound counterintuitive, but it's not) you have to find a way to stand out. Make yourself indispensable; be proactive. On my racing sailboat (and sometimes I've got 10 to 12 people aboard), we sort of noticed over the years the people who were proactive - who would look around and see if anything bad was going to happen. Look at all the lines, is anything crossed? How do all the shackles look? How does this look? How does that look? Where's the wind coming from? While being a member of a team, they're looking at everything. And, over the years, I've become adept at figuring out early on the people who are sort of lazy and just want to be on a boat as opposed to the people who really commit to the team by being aware and supporting each other, which is an important thing: Looking for problems before they happen. It's easier to avoid than to repair.<br />
<br />
You make yourself indispensable by the positive attitude, by being a flexible team player but also looking around, coming up with ideas, and trying to make things better for everybody. You need to know how and when to have the right conversations. So, for example, you go to your boss, your manager, your supervisor and you say, "In 3 to 6 to 9 months what would you like to see me doing?" or "What do you imagine for me?" or "What could I work toward?" or you have a friendly conversation (not a threatening, demanding one) where you say, "What do you see? What could I do for you that would be better?" So you're open to what a lot of people take as <em>criticism</em> without being sensitive. Use it as information to run with.<br />
<br />
Bottom line, if you seem hell-bent on just getting a promotion, getting power, you're missing the bigger picture. You've got to focus in on every aspect of your being at work and relationships, because basically going to work is a relationship experience. You need to know how to get along with people. And the best way to get along with people is to be solicitous, non-competitive and supportive. Ask them for advice and their opinions so they feel important to you. It's a give-and-take on a very positive level -- it is not a family. It is NOT a family. Family has certain expectations and people get awfully emotional about that. But be very aware of showing respect, asking for their input, and offering them help instead of being competitive.<br />
<br />
There are lots of practical things to consider. If you come up with something brilliant for the company that they can use, that's great. But for the most part it's attitude, positive people skills, and support. A lot of people get into trouble at work when it all starts to get competitive. To the contrary, the best thing to do with someone who seems already to be in that mode, is from time to time, say to them, "You know, I was thinking about 'such and such'. What's your opinion on that?" They stop being competitive when they feel somewhat valued because being competitive is insecurity. So if you feed the insecurity by fighting, it'll go south. If you feed their insecurity by instead bolstering their sense they are important to somebody, that's going to work really well.Staff2011-08-30T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/10007.html2011-08-12T07:00:00Z2011-08-12T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" /><em>A painter paints pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence.</em><br />
<blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;">Leopold Stokowski<br />
Orchestral conductor<br />
1882-1977</blockquote>Staff2011-08-12T07:00:00ZHeroes or Role Models?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Heroes-or-Role-Models/10003.html2011-08-11T07:00:00Z2011-08-11T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />I want to write about the difference between a hero and a role model. I saw an article a while ago about the Japanese senior citizens who were volunteering to diffuse one of the biggest nuclear meltdowns in history at the Fukushima nuclear plant. There is a 250 member volunteer group, and all the members of the group are over 60 years old. They are led by 72-year-old Yasuteru Yamada who hopes his seniors group, the Skilled Veterans Corps, will help end the crisis at the crippled Fukushima Daiichi nuclear plant. They will likely die doing this.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;"><em>The group says it is uniquely poised to work at the radiation-contaminated plant, as the cells of an older person's body divide more slowly than a younger individual.</em></blockquote><br />
In other words, they have a better chance of doing the work and maybe not getting cancer or radiation poisoning and dying.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;"><em>"We have to work instead of them," says Yamada, referring to the estimated 1,000 workers currently at the nuclear plant. "Elders have less sensitivity to radiation. Therefore, we have to work."<br />
</em><em><br />
</em><em>Yamada is a former engineer for Sumitomo Metal Industries Ltd. and offers decades of experience, he says. A cancer survivor, Yamada says he values his life but wants to make a difference in the years he has left.<br />
</em><em><br />
</em><em>The prime minister's special adviser [some joker] to the nuclear crisis publicly dubbed them, the "suicide corps."<br />
</em><em><br />
</em><em>65-year-old Masaaki Takahashi bristles at the name Hosono gave his team. "I want them to stop calling us the 'suicide corps' or kamikazes," he says. "We're doing nothing special. I simply think I have to do something and I can't allow just young people to do this."<br />
</em><em><br />
</em><em>Kazuko Sasaki, 69, the co-founder of the group, says she has a number of personal reasons why she wants to work at the plant. "My generation, the old generation, promoted the nuclear plants. If we don't take responsibility, who will?" "When we were younger, we never thought of death. But death becomes familiar as we get older. We have a feeling that death is waiting for us. This doesn't mean I want to die. But we become less afraid of death, as we get older."</em></blockquote><br />
These men have volunteered to take the place of younger folks. Now, a little debate seems to go on in a lot of people's minds between what constitutes a hero and what's a role model. I was almost going to say "just", but let's face it, there's a big difference. You remember Captain Sullenberger of the Hudson River landing fame -- he's the one who landed the plane. Everyone called him a hero. He's not a hero. He'd be the first one to tell you the definition of a hero does not include him. So, what is the definition of a hero? <br />
<br />
The definition of a hero was initially determined by the Pittsburgh-based Carnegie Hero Fund Commission, established in 1904. The "classic" definition to 'hero': someone who voluntarily leaves a point of safety to assume life risk saving or attempt to save the life of another." This is different from a role model or positive role model. We overdo the word "hero." I don't mean to diminish or dismiss the efforts of people who are in no harm's way and help somebody else. Those are good role models, but they are not heroes. Hero is a very special term. <br />
<br />
Let's get back to Sullenberger. Sullenberger said, <em>"My wife actually looked it up in the dictionary. We decided between ourselves that it describes someone who chooses to put himself at risk to save another." He continues, "That didn't quite fit my situation, which was thrust upon me suddenly. Certainly, my crew and I were up to the task. But I'm not sure it quite crosses the threshold of heroism. I think the idea of a hero is important. But sometimes in our culture we overuse the word, and by overusing it we diminish it."</em> So, here's what happened:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;">When the engines stopped on US Airways Flight 1549 in January 2009, Capt. Sullenberger was not in a place of safety. On the contrary, he was in the same peril as the passengers whose lives he saved with his piloting skill. He did not have the opportunity to make a moral choice to take on the risk - it 'was thrust upon' him. </blockquote><br />
So, he did not come from a place of safety. He did not have the opportunity to make a moral choice. He was in the situation and had to use his skills. He's a good role model of a captain of an airplane who keeps his wits about him and does his job, superbly. And ends up probably saving a lot of lives if some one else had lost it when they were in the cockpit. But how savvy is he? How honest and how ethical, how moral, what kind of incredible character does this man have to clarify for all of us, the truth of what a hero is? Picking up somebody from an accident scene and taking them to the hospital is being a good role model, but not a hero, regardless of whether that person lives or dies. Jumping into the ocean when there are sharks to save somebody else? <em><strong>That's</strong></em> a hero. Your life has to be at risk, and you make a moral decision; that's a hero. <br />
<br />
<blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;">Since 1904, the Carnegie Hero Fund has granted more than 9,400 awards - and nearly $33 million - to people who have risked their lives to save others.<br />
<br />
The extraordinary exploits include pulling someone from a burning building, standing between someone and an attacking animal, rescuing a drowning swimmer, thwarting an assault on a citizen and other facing-death-to-save-a-life acts. About a fifth of the awards have been granted posthumously.</blockquote> <br />
The commission also talks about how they cringe when a victim is viewed as a hero when they survive. Making the moral decision to put yourself in harm's way to save another's life is being a hero. When you are in a situation and behave appropriately, you are a fabulous role model. But "hero" is a very, very special term. That's why we give it to military, we give it to firemen, we give it to police officers -- because they make the decision to take on an occupation that puts their lives at risk to save others.Staff2011-08-11T07:00:00ZTragedy in NorwayStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Tragedy-in-Norway/9969.html2011-07-26T07:00:00Z2011-07-26T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />I was in Hawaii after the Transpac 2011 ocean race, doing my program from there, trying to recover, when I heard about what happened in Norway, where this piece-of-crap decided he was going to make a statement by starting a revolution similar to the Crusades to stop Muslim integration and destruction of Europe by Islam. So to do this, he blew up a government building and killed scores and scores of kids, which of course, makes everybody incredibly sympathetic to his cause. Now Norway is a liberal country like Holland and Denmark -- incredibly liberal. <br />
<br />
Yesterday morning I read that Norway's maximum penalty for any crime you can commit (no matter how heinous) is 21 years in prison. So for killing between 80 and 100 people (the number keeps changing), if he's found guilty, he could spend 21 years in prison which is equivalent to a penalty of 82 days -- <em><strong>82 days</strong></em> -- per child's death. I have nothing more to say.Staff2011-07-26T07:00:00ZYou Don't Need Preschool for Your KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/You-Dont-Need-Preschool-for-Your-Kids/9965.html2011-07-25T07:00:00Z2011-07-25T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />You know how negative I am about anything having to do with preschool, daycare, or any of that. We're raising children here. If you don't want your kids around, I guess you could use preschool and daycare for that. If you don't want to program your life around your kids, you'll use preschool and daycare to help you. If you know you are a really crappy parent, you can use them too. If you are in dire straits and don't have another option right now (temporarily), I guess you'll use them. There are many reasons to use preschool and daycare, but many of them can't and shouldn't be supported.<br />
<br />
A recent article I read (entitled "<a href="http://www.slate.com/id/2288402/" target="_blank">Why Preschool Shouldn't Be Like School</a>") reported new research showed that trying to "teach" kids at younger and younger ages backfires. Anxious parents are so eager that their child "gets ahead" that they've even taken to reading books to babies still in the womb. Teachers are pressured to make kindergartens and nursery schools more like school, and even the "No Child Left Behind Act" urged more direct instruction in federally funded preschools.<br />
<br />
But direct instruction actually limits a young child's ability to learn. Teaching allows kids to learn specific things, but they need more opportunities for exploration and play so they can "discover" on their own. They need a Mommy and a Daddy to give them a stable, supportive home and lots of love.<br />
<br />
Head Start has always been a failure. I knew it was a failure back in the 1960s. And now, one study shows that 75% of mothers hand their iPhones over to their kids, thinking that will make them smarter. App makers are marketing directly to parents who are looking to help their children as young as 4 months old get a head start on learning. If you type in "toddler" and "educational" into the App Store, you'll find more than 800 apps specifically marketed to children under the age of 3. One town in Maine is spending $200,000 on iPads for its entire incoming kindergarten class. So the question is, do iPads or smartphones or toddler-marketed apps <em>really</em> make young kids smarter?<br />
<br />
The bottom line? NO. In fact, the American Association of Pediatrics says children under the age of 2 should not be seeing anything on a screen of any kind, whether it's an iPhone or a television set.<br />
<br />
Parents are too often looking for that edge to make their children the smartest. The most important thing you can do as a parent is <strong>interact with your child</strong>. You do not need an iPad or fancy software or a preschool or a daycare to make your child learn. They do it every day, all day, in many different ways. Let kids just be kids.Staff2011-07-25T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/9961.html2011-07-22T07:00:00Z2011-07-22T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />On Hawaii: <em>The loveliest fleet of islands that lies anchored in any ocean</em><br />
- "Mark Twain" (Samuel Langhorne Clemens)<br />
1835-1910<br />
American humorist, writer and lecturer<br />
<br />
<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura#p/a/u/0/Phl784PscBg"></a></div>Staff2011-07-22T07:00:00ZWe Are Cooking!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/We-Are-Cooking!/9946.html2011-07-15T07:00:00Z2011-07-15T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />Yesterday was leisurely with a little wind, that is... UNTIL we found ourselves in the middle of "squall central." Unpredicted high winds and seas continuously occurring from about ten pm last night. We are cooking, cooking, cooking!<br />
<br />
Since seven thirty this morning, I have been driving for an hour then off for an hour. I am a salt stick. Hahahaha! It is three pm and I'm going to take a break.<br />
<br />
Last night we had a spinnaker issue. All the guys got on deck and made it good.<br />
<br />
We are very optimistic.<br />
<br />
<em>[Transpac tracking is live (no longer 6 hours delayed), so you can watch them as they race to the finish at: <a href="http://live.adventuretracking.com/transpac2011" target="_blank">http://live.adventuretracking.com/transpac2011</a>]</em>Staff2011-07-15T07:00:00ZThe Wind's Finally Blowing AgainStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Winds-Finally-Blowing-Again/9944.html2011-07-14T07:00:00Z2011-07-14T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />Well, yesterday may not have afforded us much wind BUT the scenery, the beauty, the calm was...unbelievable.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, at least once an hour we go by trash from some boat. Sad.<br />
<br />
We had our "halfway party" last night. It was hilarious. The crew came up with rum for them and some pinot grigio for me. We toasted each other, our team, and this amazing experience together. We are really well bonded. They gifted me with "Day-Glo" bracelets because they know I love jewelry. Very sweet.<br />
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Today we're rockin' it -- trying to make up for almost two days of little wind.<br />
<br />
The guys who have done this race previously described what it's like to come through the Molokai Channel (also known as Kaiwi Channel). which is considered one of the roughest ocean channels in the world. It seems no matter where you place in the race, the Molokai Channel is a <em>mind blowing</em> experience. The newbies among us (me included) are looking forward to it.<br />
<br />
It is 1:12pm Pacific Time.<br />
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You can follow Katana's progress at: <a href="http://live.adventuretracking.com/transpac2011" target="_blank"><strong>http://live.adventuretracking.com/transpac2011</strong></a>Staff2011-07-14T07:00:00ZNo Land in Sight - UPDATEDStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/No-Land-in-Sight---UPDATED/9942.html2011-07-13T07:00:00Z2011-07-13T07:00:00Z<img class="blog-icon-large" alt="Icon" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" />
We have been dodging squalls and light wind areas for two days now. We have not seen an airplane or any other boat of any kind. A couple of flying fish have said hello. Evidently we are the farthest from land one can be residing on this earth...Strange thought.<br />
<br />
Hope everyone is enjoying the videos and still photos. (View them in the <a href="http://drlaura.com/Messages.aspx"><strong>Transpac 2011</strong></a> area on DrLaura.com)<br />
<a href="http://drlaura.com/Messages.aspx"><img alt="Transpac Photo Montage" style="vertical-align: middle; margin-top: 15px; margin-bottom: 15px;" src="/images/Site/Photos/Messages/transpac_montage_1.jpg" /></a>
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We are fighting hard to regain our earlier lead! However, "at the end of the day," it is all about the privilege of being out here doing this in the first place.<br />
<br />
Right now the wind speed is about 10 knots and we are doing between 9 and 10 knots.<br />
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Last night all I wanted was an orange soda... Funny, I never got cravings when I was pregnant, but in the middle of the Pacific Ocean...! Ha-ha!<br />
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We are all is still having a good time. Our spirits are up and we've got a <strong><em>"Never give up, never surrender"</em></strong> attitude! <br />
<br />
<strong>UPDATED:</strong><br />
<br />
We are about 20 miles from the half way point. <br />
<br />
We just saw a pod of pilot whales -- up close and personal. The sea is an amazing blue color. It feels as though we are in a fish bowl because we are completely surrounded and contained by cloud effects. It's very interesting.<br />
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The crew just had their chili mac freeze dried food and it appears this is the favorite meal so far.<br />
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We are in about 10 knots of wind and Katana maintains doing equal or more. It is a fun boat to drive.<br />
<br />
We're telling jokes (mostly bad ones) and are having trivia challenges to old movie plots, etc.<br />
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As we get closer to Hawaii, it gets hotter and hotter. I am covered in clothing from head to toe to avoid sunburn.<br />
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For the last two days, we had a bad time with cloud conditions that stole our wind, but we're doing our best to get goin' again.<br />
<br />
Already we know we'll do this again next Transpac (2013) as we will know the boat's capabilities better. It is all a learning curve.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I just cannot believe we are out here with no land or boats or planes to be seen. It is a lovely ride.<br />
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Follow Katana's progress at: <a target="_blank" href="http://live.adventuretracking.com/transpac2011"><strong>http://live.adventuretracking.com/transpac2011</strong></a>Staff2011-07-13T07:00:00ZNine People on a Forty-Seven Foot BoatStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Nine-People-on-a-Forty-Seven-Foot-Boat/9937.html2011-07-12T07:00:00Z2011-07-12T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />One of us saw a huge sea turtle; another crew member saw a flying fish. And as I mentioned yesterday, we had a squid fly onto the deck. It's curious we are not seeing much in the way of sea life. <br />
<br />
Right now, we are in a light air zone....working our way out of it so we can get surfing the waves again. Yesterday, I had a ball driving Katana faster and faster down the waves. It's a bit difficult to do on a cloudy night with no moonlight or stars shining. Without being able to see the spinnaker and the angle of boat to horizon, it can get a bit disorienting.<br />
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With each day, we are all getting sillier and sillier and having huge laughs. It is interesting watching and participating in a group survival situation... REAL reality - not the stupid set up nasty stuff on tv. We are all pulling together. It is very touching and enjoyable.<br />
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Yesterday most of the crew did some laundry and hung it out to dry on the stern lines. Katana looked like a tenement. (see photo below)<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><img alt="" src="/images/Site/Blog/071111_laundry.jpg" style="width: 480px; height: 320px; vertical-align: middle; margin-top: 5px; margin-bottom: 5px;" />
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<br />
We've dropped out of first place, but we're not the slightest bit concerned about it. It ain't over 'til everyone crosses the finish line. We are all optimistic the final run to Molokai channel will be where and when we take off fast.<br />
<br />
Winning would be great...obviously. It is a race. But this is an unbelievable experience. Nine people on a forty seven foot boat getting along, pulling together, and supporting each other. Not one moment of anyone having a hissy fit about anything. I am truly fortunate to know and sail with these guys. And I am learning a lot.<br />
<br />
Of course we each would love to materialize at a spa for one hour...hahahahaha<br />
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Have a great day. Track us at: <strong><a href="http://live.adventuretracking.com/transpac2011" target="_blank"><strong>http://live.adventuretracking.com/transpac2011</strong></a></strong>Staff2011-07-12T07:00:00ZClose Calls and Strange OccurrencesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Close-Calls-and-Strange-Occurrences/9936.html2011-07-11T07:00:00Z2011-07-11T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />Finally, Monday has brought a bit of peace for us. Here's a recap:<br />
<br />
For the start on Friday, we wanted to be windward of the committee boat for clean air to our sail. We accomplished that in spite of big boat trying to barge between us and the committee boat. There was no room but he kept a comin.' He had about 3 more seconds to bail or we would have collided and all I could think of at that point was about the insurance. Hahaha. But it all came out good.<br />
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Saturday was really, really unpleasant with relentless bumps and winds. I was very concerned it "would never stop." Two of our crew got seasick. Thankfully, they are okay now. And we were all very wet, tired, hungry, and stressed. <br />
Nonetheless...we continued to do what we had to do: go fast!<br />
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Sunday was such a relief. The night crew saw an "extra terrestrial event".... The whole sky got bright and then dark again in a blink. We wonder if other boats saw that too.<br />
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A non-fried calamari flew onto our deck and left some ink. As usual, I'm thinking about food.<br />
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We're doing well today. You can follow our progress at: <a href="http://live.adventuretracking.com/transpac2011" target="_blank"><strong>http://live.adventuretracking.com/transpac2011</strong></a>Staff2011-07-11T07:00:00ZRight Now' Rough SeasStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Right-Now-Rough-Seas/9934.html2011-07-10T07:00:00Z2011-07-10T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />It was very, very crazy here yesterday with high winds and rough seas. On top of that, we were going upwind which was difficult and exhausting, so I wasn't able to write a blog. However, at this moment, I am told we are number one...having come up from fifth place. But it is won't be over until we get Honolulu.<br />
<br />
We are all ok, although wet and tired. It is difficult to eat and sleep in an intensely bouncing boat. But the ocean should be calmer by tomorrow. We were and are in a "get the job done" mode... Everyone is working hard. Kevin and Eric are doing a great job directing our route and how to do it right. They are very impressive guys.<br />
<br />
We had a number of issues which cost us a bit of time, but we clearly have made it up. One thing that happened was the inverter blew which means no microwave....Sheesh. So, we're boiling everything.<br />
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More later.<br />
<br />
<br />
Follow Katana's progress:<a href="http://live.adventuretracking.com/transpac2011" target="_blank"> <strong style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;"><strong style="color: #448ccb; text-decoration: underline; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;">http://live.adventuretracking.com/transpac2011</strong></strong></a><strong style="margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;"><strong style="color: #448ccb; text-decoration: underline; font-weight: normal; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;"></strong></strong>Staff2011-07-10T07:00:00ZNo More Land, Only 2000 Miles of OceanStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/No-More-Land,-Only-2000-Miles-of-Ocean/9933.html2011-07-08T07:00:00Z2011-07-08T07:00:00Z<img class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" />As we went to the start line, we sent off our first video. (Watch: <a href="/b/Transpac-Race-2011---Video---Heading-to-the-Start/9932.html"><strong>Heading to the Start</strong></a>).<br /> <br /> We're now about 3 hours into the race. We had a great start...right at the committee boat - exactly where we wanted to be. A committee boat is the boat of race officials who sits at one end of the line. We start between the committee boat and a buoy set to leeward. You are not allowed to cross the imaginary line between a flag on the committee boat and the buoy at the other end. There is a timing sequence - in this case a five minute starting sequence and the committee boat sounds all the horns for the starting sequence. They also call boats "over early" (when that imaginary line is crossed too soon) and the boat will have to restart. We started by the committee boat because it was the favored end of the imaginary start line given the wind direction at the time. <br /> <br /> It has been mostly warm but then the ocean picked up as well as the wind. For quite a while we were bouncing hard upwind. We ate our chicken wrap sandwiches from the local restaurant, Gladstone's. They were great! Tonight, we dive into the freeze-dried food. It is important to eat and drink water constantly as this experience is quite taxing.<br /> <br /> We just took Catalina Island to port (to the left side of boat) and are now on route to what we think our next "waypoint" ought to be. Catalina is the last bit 'o dirt we're going to see for over 2000 miles! That is weird thought, believe me.<br /> <br /> Currently, we are all on deck, but at 6 pm this evening the "watches" start. I am on then until ten pm, then it's four hours of sleep; four hours on deck, etc. It will take a while to get used to that schedule.<br /> <br /> Be well.<br /> <br /> Follow Katana's progress: <strong style="padding: 0px; margin: 0px;"><strong style="color: #448ccb; text-decoration: underline; padding: 0px; margin: 0px;"><a href="http://live.adventuretracking.com/transpac2011" target="_blank"><strong>http://live.adventuretracking.com/transpac2011</strong></a></strong></strong>Staff2011-07-08T07:00:00ZNo Screw Left UnturnedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/No-Screw-Left-Unturned/9931.html2011-07-07T07:00:00Z2011-07-07T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />It's the day before the race and all of us worked from 8am to 1pm doing the final "dialing in" of the boat. Every nut, bolt, screw, line, etc. had to be examined. If not given a thumbs-up, they were repaired or replaced. All the freeze-dried food and snacks was divided into what we (9 of us) will need for a day, then bagged and lashed into place. (see photo below). I was in charge of organizing and labeling everything in storage. I am the queen of Velcro and labels!<br />
<br />
The crew dispersed for the afternoon for each member to have their own private time before tomorrow's start. We will meet for dinner tonight for some enjoyable crew bonding.<br />
<br />
My navigator (Eric Bohman), tactician (Kevin Miller) and I just spent about half an hour this afternoon going through all the weather reports and possible routes. Reports and computer models give only a background to our joint sense of what is the best thing to do: direction, speed, sail choice. No matter how high tech a boat can get...nothing replaces experience and "gut".<br />
<br />
I am going to walk back to the hotel now and take a very, very hot shower and relax before dinner. Hopefully, getting to sleep tonight won't be too much of a problem with all the excitement of anticipating the start.<br />
<br />
We convene back at the boat at 8am tomorrow (Friday) and leave the dock at 10am to go to the start line area. We will all be dressed alike in our red KATANA polo tops and Transpac hats. About an hour from the start, we'll have chicken subs for lunch (real food!) and by evening we will be into the freeze-dried.<br />
<br />
You'll be able to keep up with our progress here: <a href="http://live.adventuretracking.com/transpac2011" target="_blank"><strong>http://live.adventuretracking.com/transpac2011</strong></a><br />
<br />
By the way: any time spent at sea DOES NOT come off your lifespan!<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><img src="/images/Site/Blog/katana_prep_480.jpg" alt="Prepping Katana" />
</div>
<p style="text-align: center;">Preparing Katana the day before starting Transpac. <strong></strong><br />
<br />
</p>
<div style="text-align: center;"><img src="/images/Site/Blog/transpac_food_480.jpg" alt="Daily ration of food" />
</div>
<p style="text-align: center;">Each bag is a day's worth of freeze-dried food and snacks for 9 people. <strong></strong></p>Staff2011-07-07T07:00:00ZShaking Down My BoatStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Shaking-Down-My-Boat/9923.html2011-07-06T07:00:00Z2011-07-06T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />It's Wednesday, two days before the start of Transpac 2011 for my boat Katana. I got up at 5AM to get ready to leave with my crew to go to Long Beach, California to board the boat. My doggies seemed to know "something was up," and they were all exhibiting a "hangdog" demeanor as I readied to leave.<br />
<br />
We arrived at the boat at Noon and I was way too hungry to do any work. All 9 of us went to lunch at Gladstone's, a local restaurant. I had an ahi tuna sandwich on honey bread - fabulous (and you know how I love to eat).<br />
<br />
We discussed basic concepts of neatness, orderliness, and hygiene. Nine people on rotating schedules on a 47 foot boat over more than seven days requires all of us to take care of our things for safety, for the comfort of others, structure, and overall atmosphere. Kevin Miller, our tactician, remarked anything left about "below" deck might end up in the ocean - depending on his mood - so we all know neatness really will count!<br />
<br />
We're getting the boat ready for a two hour sail in order to check out all the remedies to small problems that always seem to pop up on a boat, as well as to make sure a repaired sail is perfect. Tomorrow, we'll spend half the day on the boat continuing to check all systems and get the food and gear organized.<br />
<br />
We'll have our "last supper" on land for quite a while tomorrow evening, then hope we can all get some good sleep in spite of our anticipation and excitement.<br />
<br />
I go back and forth between nervousness and calm. I'm more than confident because of my crew and all the time and extreme effort we put into practice overnight runs, we'll be just fine out there on the open seas.<br />
<br />
If you told me 5 years ago I would be doing this, I would have said you were crazy. I'm 64 years old and am thrilled not only to be able to be so active, but to be able to take on such a challenge to mind, body, and spirit.<br />
<br />
If there is anything you can take from my adventure, it is you should never let fear stand in the way of squeezing the most out of life. For a life to feel "good," it has to be filled with purpose, friendships, and adventures.Staff2011-07-06T07:00:00ZGetting Ready for Transpac - A Sailboat Race to HawaiiStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Getting-Ready-for-Transpac---A-Sailboat-Race-to-Hawaii/9917.html2011-07-05T07:00:00Z2011-07-05T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />This is my last day of preparation before TRANSPAC - the sailboat race from California to Hawaii in which I'm participating. I have to organize all my gear (which is easier for guys who seem able to live in the same clothes for days and days). Since we start out with cold weather and end up with very warm I have to bring a range of layers. I don't have much subcutaneous fat so I am cold when the guys are in t-shirts, shorts, and flaps!<br />
<br />
Today I shop for my last piece of gear: a hat which keeps the sun off my face and neck - a necessity the closer we get to Hawaii.<br />
<br />
Tomorrow (Wednesday) morning we all meet in Long Beach early to take KATANA (my boat) out for a shake down; we will do the same thing Thursday. Thursday night we will have our "last supper" on land for a week or more.<br />
<br />
Friday morning early we will get on Katana and get ready for the start. It seems funny in a way that we will be revving up for a great start when the race is a week or so in duration and over 2200 miles. But, as it turns out, every second of every day counts. People have won by minutes or seconds!<br />
<br />
We will all be on deck for the 1 pm start until 6 pm. Then our "watches" begin with teams having different schedules. I will be the 6 pm to 10 pm watch. At 10 pm I go to sleep for 4 hours. At 2 am 'til 6 am I am on watch again. On watch means you are on deck sailing the boat and responsible for everything. Two of us have the same watch and two others overlap by 2 hours. <br />
<br />
If there is an emergency or a major sail change...everyone may be called on deck. It takes a few days for all of us to acclimate to the schedule without feeling "weirded out". <br />
<br />
I love the 2 am to 6 am watch....well....I don't like the 2 am part....but I like being up for the sunrise....it is beautiful out on the ocean at sunrise.<br />
<br />
In the midst of all of this we have to take time to eat and clean ourselves up. <br />
<br />
Just in case you wondered....we are all a little wound up; even the folks with experience. Butterflies are normal - it is a major undertaking and huge responsibility. None of us take it lightly.<br />
<br />
That's all for now...I will write more tomorrow after we get to Long Beach and go aboard KATANA.Staff2011-07-05T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/9916.html2011-07-01T07:00:00Z2011-07-01T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" style="text-align: center;" /><blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;"><em>I’m a Yankee Doodle dandy,<br />
A Yankee Doodle do or die;<br />
A real live nephew of my Uncle Sam’s<br />
Born on the Fourth of July.</em><br />
- George M. Cohan<br />
1878 - 1942<br />
American entertainer, playwright, composer, lyricist, <br />
actor, singer, dancer and producer<br />
<em>"The Yankee Doodle Boy,"</em> from the 1904 Broadway<br />
musical <em>"Little Johnny Jones."</em></blockquote><br />
Have a happy and safe Fourth of July holiday weekend.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><img alt="" src="/images/Site/Blog/yankee_doodle_boy.jpg" /></div>Staff2011-07-01T07:00:00ZSexual FantasiesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Sexual-Fantasies/9903.html2011-06-29T07:00:00Z2011-06-29T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />Some people get very freaked out by sexual fantasies and worry that having fantasies makes them "bad." <br />
<br />
When I was in private practice, I did a lot of sex counseling, and one thing I would ask a couple individually is "what are your sexual fantasies?" Here's the typical answers I would get:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;">1. "Oh, I don't have them. That would be rude."<br />
2. "I can't talk about them. They're really sick."<br />
3. "What difference does it make? He or she would never do them."</blockquote><br />
There's a lot of angst surrounding sexual fantasies. They're basically erotic thoughts that make you feel sexier. They're arousing and add to the "moment." Research shows most people wish to fantasize, but have sex in the context of the person they love and feel most comfortable with. - in other words, they use fantasy as an aphrodisiac. The people who report the highest sexual satisfaction tend to be those who have fantasies, because they fuel arousal, particularly when things start to get a little "everydayish." <br />
<br />
Things are very exciting when they're new, and when they get to be functional, things lose their appeal. That's when people stop playing with each other, stop being each other's girlfriend or boyfriend, and stop using sexual fantasy. <br />
<br />
If you're a tennis player, all things you do before a game are like foreplay. You imagine hitting the ball well today, and what you're doing is fantasizing about how the game is going to be. So fantasy provides a very important function. Fantasy takes your mind totally away from distractions and allows you to enjoy the "moment," helping you to focus and maintain arousal. When women say they have trouble with orgasms, the number one thing therapists try to get them to do is fantasize and masturbate. It's like jump-starting the whole mechanism.<br />
<br />
In general, the most common fantasies for both men and women are those that relive an exciting sexual experience, or those that imagine sex with a current or different partner. It doesn't mean you don't love your spouse, but it means sometimes you need a jumpstart to make yourself feel sexy and not make sex feel so mundane.<br />
<br />
The next most common fantasies involve oral sex, sex in a romantic location, heightened sexual power or irresistibility, and (believe it or not), for most women, forced sex. When women fantasize about forced sex, it's not about being beaten, stabbed, or shot. Instead, it's about being swept off their feet, being held down and totally enjoying the abdication of responsibility for anything happening. Male fantasies tend to focus more on visual imagery and explicit anatomic detail. Women's fantasies tend to be about emotion and affection.<br />
<br />
And consider telling your partner your fantasy, but not if it's that your neighbor's body is so hot you can hardly hold your breath, or that you think of him or her while having sex with your spouse. But if you have a fantasy about the two of you, and you know your spouse well enough to know this would not be crossing a line, then you can tell them. Things that won't hurt your spouse's feelings can be shared. Otherwise, keep your mouth shut, because there is nothing UNsexier than telling your spouse "I have to go to an entirely different place to do it with you, but I love you." THAT just doesn't fly.Staff2011-06-29T07:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/9889.html2011-06-24T07:00:00Z2011-06-24T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" /><em>It’s easy to play any musical instrument: all you have to do is touch the right key at the right time and the instrument will play itself.</em><br />
- Johann Sebastian Bach<br />
1685-1750<br />
German composer, organist, harpsichordist, violist and violinist<br />Staff2011-06-24T07:00:00ZHow To Say You're SorryStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-To-Say-Youre-Sorry/9879.html2011-06-21T07:00:00Z2011-06-21T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />There is an effective way to apologize and an ineffective way.<br />
<br />
Here are some ineffective ways:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><strong>1. <em>I'm sorry.</em></strong><br />
That's it. That's it? It's kind of shallow and superficial. If you say "I'm sorry you felt upset," that puts the blame on the injured party. If you say "I'm sorry YOU felt upset," that means you aren't taking responsibility for your actions. That just says you got upset and I'm sorry that you got upset, but it's not my problem!</span></blockquote><br />
<blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><strong>2. <em>I'm sorry if I did something to offend you.</em></strong><br />
Ouch. The "if" word is a stab in the heart. It's pretty defensive, and not "owning" it. It's qualifying the apology. Any apology with a qualifier in it is not really an apology.<br />
<br />
I particularly remember this one, because I was in a situation where I used this and blew it. I made a terrible mistake early on in my psychotherapy practice. I used this line with a patient. She didn't say anything, but the next week, she came back furious. I guess I was being defensive and didn't realize it. So, even the pros do it.</span></blockquote><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br />
</span><blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><strong>3. <em>If it will make you feel better, I'm sorry.</em></strong><br />
Whoa! This one is so insincere that it literally drips insincerity. What you're really saying is "If it will make you feel better (<em>you stupid, weak, annoying idiot</em>), then I'm sorry. Yikes!</span></blockquote><br />
<blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><strong>4. <em>I'm sorry for whatever I did.</em></strong><br />
This is one that too many husbands try to use, but then too many wives don't communicate particulars! This one is a bit vague and non-specific.</span></blockquote><br />
<blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><strong>5. <em>Any and all apologies followed by the word "but..."</em></strong><br />
This apology reminds me of a funny thing that happened in a psychotherapy session. I sometimes get a little playful with words and images, so when I had a husband and wife in therapy, and every time the wife opened her mouth, she said "but, but, but, but," I said back "you're a 'but' with feet!" She went through the roof, because she thought I called her an ass. I guess I should have watched the way I worded that comment. I wasn't sensitive and got a little too playful at the wrong time.</span></blockquote><br />
That example segues into how to apologize <em>correctly</em>.<br />
<br />
First of all, you personalize your apology. <em>"I am sorry I hurt you."</em> Anything that is personal is felt more deeply. That needs to grow into <em>"I'm sorry I hurt you by breaking my promise...."</em> or whatever you did.<br />
<br />
The third part of the apology occurs when you show you really understand why this was upsetting - you're not only acknowledging that it was upsetting but also why it was upsetting. <em>"I'm sorry I hurt you by breaking my promise to call."</em> You are justifying their being upset. You elaborate on all the hurtful aspects of what you said that you're aware of, and then you again express regret and remorse. <em>"I am so sorry I have hurt you. I take full responsibility. I did this and I regret it. I have remorse. I was being selfish and flighty. I was insensitive."</em><br />
<br />
It's really then important to express some desire to make amends. Discuss what you are going to do inside your heart, soul, life, mind, and habits to make sure it doesn't happen again. And repeat your apology as often as needed, especially for bigger wounds.<br />
<br />
After things have settled down, and some time has gone by, you might want to talk about some mitigating circumstances, but in general, I wouldn't suggest you go in that direction until the pain has subsided to a much lower level. And don't use the excuse <em>"I had a few too many drinks."</em> You still did what you did.<br />
<br />
If you are going to apologize, make it sincere or don't bother.Staff2011-06-21T07:00:00Z11 Rules for Dating After a DivorceStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/11-Rules-for-Dating-After-a-Divorce/-667286823330479899.html2011-06-05T17:48:00Z2011-06-05T17:48:00Z<div><strong><br /></strong></div>
<ol>
<li><strong>Expand your brain with self-awareness</strong>. See a therapist. Find out how and why your marriage went south. Otherwise, you’re probably going to do the same thing all over again.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Don’t rush into things</strong>. Don’t jump into the first bed or the first heart of the first person who’s nice to you because it makes your ego feel better. That’s a really bad idea. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Don’t blame all women or all men for what you went through</strong>. Let’s be honest – some of what you went through was your own damn fault. You didn’t pay attention, you didn’t handle things with honesty and courage, and you got stuck the way you got stuck.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Keep your responsibilities in order</strong>. After a divorce, many people tend to do nutty things. But you have responsibilities to other people, places and things. Keep them organized.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Don’t be desperate</strong>. Desperation leads to settling and failed relationships. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Don’t date with minor children</strong>. Your kids don’t need any more drama. They don’t need any more people to get attached to and wave goodbye to. They don’t need your emotional stress from the ups and downs of a romance.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Get some single friends</strong>. Hanging around with your married friends all the time is going to be a burden on them. Give them a break and start developing friendships with other singles.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Start dating outside of your norm</strong>. Your little fantasy world is what got you screwed in the first place. If you keep dating alcoholics, it’s because you’re too scared to be with someone healthy. Do something that scares you.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Don’t complain about your ex</strong> – especially on dates. Act like a grownup.</li>
<br />
<li><strong>Appreciate being single</strong>. Take the time to grow, make new friends, try new things, and develop yourself. </li>
<br />
<li><strong>Before you get remarried, spend at least two years getting to know someone and attend nine months of premarital counseling</strong>. Just like when you buy a car, do your due diligence. That way if someone’s a lemon, you’ll find them out. </li>
</ol>
<div><br /><br /></div>
<div><img src="/images/blog/082114_blog.jpg" alt="" /></div>
<br />
<p> </p>Staff2011-06-05T17:48:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/2.html2011-06-03T13:00:00Z2011-06-03T13:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" /><em>A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.</em><br />
<blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;"><blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;"> - Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra</blockquote><blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;"> 1547-1616</blockquote><blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;"> Spanish writer, adventurer and soldier</blockquote><blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;"> Author of Don Quixote de la Mancha</blockquote></blockquote>
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<br />
<br />
<div><br />
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura#p/a/u/0/Phl784PscBg"></a></div>Staff2011-06-03T13:00:00ZSome Doctors Turn Away Obese PatientsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Some-Doctors-Turn-Away-Obese-Patients-/3.html2011-06-02T13:00:00Z2011-06-02T13:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />Here's a subject that's going to make a lot of people mad, but that's probably every subject I talk about. I'm going to give you my opinion. You can debate it, you can agree with it, you can disagree with it, you can think about it. It's all okay with me.<br />
<br />
Some ob-gyn doctors in South Florida turn away obese women. Not chubby. Not fat. Obese women. Some names were given out in a news article, and some doctors got in trouble. One said, "Oh, no. I do see obese women." In a nation with 93 million obese people, you get a few doctors in South Florida (my guess is that they're everywhere) who refuse to see otherwise healthy women solely because they are obese and all hell breaks loose.<br />
<br />
Some of the doctors said the main reason was their exam tables or other equipment couldn't handle people over a certain weight, but at least six said they were trying to avoid obese patients because they have a higher risk of complications. Keep in mind the malpractice problems for ob-gyn doctors is huge. People have floated away from that specialty because everyone wants a perfect baby and they sue the doctor when it doesn't happen. It's a really difficult specialty at this point.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;"><em>"People don't realize the risk we're taking by taking care of these patients," said Dr. Albert Triana, whose two-physician practice in South Miami declines patients classified as obese.[Dr. Triana later said his practice does accept obese patients] "There's more risk of something going wrong and more risk of getting sued. Everything is more complicated with an obese patient in GYN surgeries and in [pregnancies]."</em> (<a href="http://articles.sun-sentinel.com/2011-05-16/health/fl-hk-no-obesity-doc-20110516_1_gyn-ob-gyn-obese-patients" target="_blank">http://articles.sun-sentinel.com/2011-05-16/health/fl-hk-no-obesity-doc-20110516_1_gyn-ob-gyn-obese-patients</a>)</blockquote><br />
A couple of doctors said the cross-over point was if the women weighed over 250 pounds. Two of the doctors who were interviewed stated they didn't want to begin seeing obese women and then have to send them to specialists if they later developed problems. The office manager at one place said <em>"This is just not a high risk practice."</em> The doctors there are not experts in obesity.<br />
<br />
Turning down overweight people is not illegal for doctors, but the policy worried leaders of physician groups, medical ethics experts and advocates for the obese -- how can you advocate for obesity? It's like advocating for slow suicide. That's bizarre to me -- all of whom said it violates the spirit of the medical profession.<br />
<br />
One doctor stated that if they had that policy, they wouldn't have a practice, because they'd lose half their patients. And do you know why that's true? Because statistics don't lie: Americans are fat! According to psychorg.com, Americans are fatter than Mexicans, Australians, Greeks, New Zealanders, the British, and more. We're fat! American's ate more than twice as much high fructose corn syrup (sugar) per person in 2004 than we did in 1980. We're eating more and more crap and we're moving less and less, so we have more and more obese people.<br />
<br />
I went to a website that advocates for obese people and found an article about obesity discrimination in the doctor's office:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;"><em>Perhaps a more unsettling type of obesity discrimination occurs in a place where caring, trust and unbiased treatment should be guaranteed...your doctor's office. Unfortunately, on average, doctors are not immune from obesity discrimination tendencies.</em> (<a href="http://www.bariatric-surgery-source.com/obesity-discrimination.html" target="_blank">http://www.bariatric-surgery-source.com/obesity-discrimination.html</a>)</blockquote><br />
I read that and I got angry. Doctors are not discriminating because they find the patient offensive, they're discriminating because obese people walking in clearly indicate that they're not responsible; they don't have self-discipline; and they probably won't follow the protocol. They are also more likely to have side complications and not do what it takes to get the fat off so they will be healthier and be less at risk. All the risk now goes to the doctor. How many of you think that is fair?<br />
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What I've learned is that it's okay for you to be totally out of control, but someone else has to accommodate you anyway. That's personal responsibility? That's a bratty kid.Staff2011-06-02T13:00:00ZMy 13 Year Old Wants to DateStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/My-13-Year-Old-Wants-to-Date/4.html2011-06-01T13:00:00Z2011-06-01T13:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />Shelby's 13 year old would like to go to the movies with a boy, but Mom is reluctant to say yes. How old should kids be to date?<br />
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura#p/a/u/0/hC0egMk4wb8" target="_blank"><img src="/images/Site/Blog/13_date_275p.jpg" style="width: 275px; height: 138px;" alt="My 13 Year Old Wants to Date" /></a><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura#p/a/u/0/Phl784PscBg"></a></div>Staff2011-06-01T13:00:00ZCalifornia Goes After Social Network Privacy PoliciesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/California-Goes-After-Social-Network-Privacy-Policies/5.html2011-05-31T13:00:00Z2011-05-31T13:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />California State bill <a href="http://www.leginfo.ca.gov/pub/11-12/bill/sen/sb_0201-0250/sb_242_bill_20110525_amended_sen_v96.html" target="_blank">SB 242</a> was recently introduced (and amended last week) which would make social networking sites, like Facebook, take down personal information and photos for account users under age 18 and require more privacy settings (I think this should be a national law). <br />
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SB-242, introduced by California State Senator Ellen Corbett (D-San Leandro) would require all security setting to default to "private" and charge up to $10,000 per violation, according to the <em>San Francisco Chronicle. </em><br />
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I have to applaud Sen. Corbett - up one side and down the other.<br />
<br />
These sites are not set up for privacy, and they're complicated to negotiate. People who use Facebook and sites like it to engage in social/political activities are not necessarily posting information they want to share with the whole world. Even if information is private to other users, it's not private to Facebook, and can still be used for marketing and advertising purposes.<br />
<br />
As I see it, the main problem is you give all your private information before you then determine the <em>level</em> of privacy. It's not well structured. And yes, parents also ought to have the power to remove information or photos from their children's pages or accounts (one of the provisions of the bill). The bill would require <em>"removal of that information regarding a user under 18 years of age upon request by the user's parent, within 48 hours of his or her request."</em><br />
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Facebook is not happy about this bill. I guess it's a little more work for them, but it's good PR for them to say they'll put in the work to protect kids. When you're not an adult, you lack the foresight to see a picture of yourself drinking beer, along with the message that "I'm so wasted," could be problematic when interviewing for a job. It's true 30-year-olds can also post the same nonsense, so everything can't be blamed on youth.<br />
<br />
The 48-hour deadline might be tight, but I don't care - they'll just have to figure out a way to set up programs to make that work. If a parent is calling up every day, however, then the site probably should just terminate that account, because that means the parents aren't really "parenting."<br />
<br />
In fact, a lot of parents are ignorant, unresponsive, uninvolved, unaware, and "unsupervisory" when it comes to their children:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>81% of parents with children who go online say kids aren't careful enough when giving out information (which is why I don't think kids should be online at all without parental supervision)</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li>44% of teens online with social networking profiles say they have been contacted by a stranger, compared with 16% of those without social networking profiles.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li>14% of kids have actually met face-to-face with a person they first met on the Internet.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li>When asked how they responded when contacted online by a stranger, only THREE percent of online kids said they told an adult or authority figure. Most kids said they didn't report the contact because they were afraid of losing Internet privileges.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li>Between 2007 and 2009, MySpace deleted 90,000 accounts because they were created by registered sex offenders.</li>
</ul>
<br />
Parents are always the first line of defense. Check up on everything. Never, never worry about losing your kid's trust. They don't trust you anyway.<br />
<br />
Think about it. Most of the time they don't want to tell you the truth, because they'll get punished or they'll lose some privilege. They're not going to tell you something bad happened on the Internet. They're afraid you won't let them use the Internet if they mention it. And kids will lie to do what they want to do or do what their friends are doing or what they think they should be allowed to do. <br />
<br />
So don't be naïve. Don't think "My kids wouldn't do that. My kids are wonderful." They're kids! I'm not saying they're criminals, but I am saying they're kids, and kids can make very unwise choices.<br />
<br />
<strong>UPDATE on bill SB242:</strong> Unfortunately, it has stalled in the Calfornia legislature after aggressive lobbying by Facebook, Google, Twitter and other firms. The bill failed to pass in the California State Senate just this past Friday, May 27. The measure was deadlocked with a 16-16 vote. State Sen. Ellen Corbett (D-San Leandro) said the bill had been "fiercely" lobbied against by opponents, but she plans to bring the bill back for another vote later this week.Staff2011-05-31T13:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/6.html2011-05-27T13:00:00Z2011-05-27T13:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" /><em>"Let no vandalism of avarice or neglect, no ravages of time, testify to the present or to the coming generations that we have forgotten, as a people, the cost of a free and undivided Republic."</em><br />
- John A. Logan<br />
1826 - 1886<br />
American soldier and United States Senator<br />
Regarded as the founder of Memorial Day<br />
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Monday, May 30 is Memorial Day. Please remember our fallen men and women who served our country.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><img alt="" src="/images/Site/Blog/memorial_day_11.jpg" style="width: 400px; height: 265px;" /></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura#p/a/u/0/Phl784PscBg"></a></div>Staff2011-05-27T13:00:00ZWhat Makes A True FriendStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-Makes-A-True-Friend/7.html2011-05-26T13:00:00Z2011-05-26T13:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />Friendship is very important. That's one of the reasons why emotional desolation sets in when people move a lot - they don't keep up the friendships they've had. <br />
<br />
We need family, not therapy. We need a nice family and friends. We don't do well alone. Every time you hear about some "nut" doing something horrible to people, you always hear "he was a loner." That's a symptom and a disease rolled into one situation.<br />
<br />
Life is not meant to be lived alone. We are very social beings and we need people to care about us, understand us, share the same mentality as us, and preferably, be reasonably close in age (but that's not always necessary). The word "friendship" is very special, and I think people throw it around to include people they know and do stuff with. A good friend, however, is someone we can <em>rely</em> on, someone who is faithful and who is not trying to change us, dictate to us and/or manipulate us. If you have a good friend, you know they know your warts and you know theirs, but in the greater scheme, it doesn't matter, because the essence of that person's character is beautiful and that's what really counts.<br />
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Finding someone who will watch your back and stand up for you, and who is loyal is one of the hardest things in the universe. There is no real friendship if there is no loyalty. You know you have a true friend when the "stuff" hits the fan and they are still standing by you.<br />
<br />
Good friends are always supportive. When you're in a time of sincere and reasonable need, a friend will be there wanting to help. Friends need to be reliable and keep the things you discuss private. You know you don't have a friend if he or she has carried a tale to others of something you said or something you did. It's truly splendid if you can carry friends throughout your lifetime, because that isn't always possible.<br />
<br />
Here are six ways to maintain a good friendship:<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>Work at staying connected. Call, write, and/or visit.</li>
<li>Root for one another, and drop the envy. Celebrate each other's successes. Friendship is not a competition, and a real friend takes pleasure in your success.</li>
<li>Don't gloat, and don't boast about things that make you feel superior.</li>
<li>Show up for "cornerstone" events. Share in them.</li>
<li> Be flexible and understanding.</li>
<li> And finally, protect confidences.</li>
</ol>Staff2011-05-26T13:00:00ZThe System Fails Another ChildStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-System-Fails-Another-Child/8.html2011-05-25T13:00:00Z2011-05-25T13:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />I've been reading too many stories like the one I'm about to share, and I think it's about time these people were put on trial and then put in jail for the rest of their lives with no possibility of parole. I believe any social worker, welfare worker, or child services worker who does not adequately follow through on a case and it results in the death of a child should get life in prison without parole.<br />
<br />
Here's the story that is making my blood boil:<br />
<br />
A former New York City child welfare worker and his supervisor were indicted on charges of criminally negligent homicide, because their failures had contributed to the death of four year old Marchella Pierce, who had been repeatedly beaten and tied to a bed. She weighed 18 pounds at the end of her life. Her grandmother who witnessed this poor child being tied to the bed was also indicted on manslaughter and other charges, and the girl's mother faces a murder charge.<br />
<br />
Apparently, this is the first time in New York City history a child welfare worker has been charged with homicide in a child's death. The district attorney in the case said this was likely not an isolated case and that there was "evidence of alleged systemic failures" at the child welfare agency. <br />
<br />
The caseworker in this instance was also charged with tampering with public records and falsifying records. What seems to happen is caseworkers don't bother to show up and they follow it up by lying on reports. Kids are dead and they go back and look at the reports that say "oh, everything is fine."<br />
<br />
The prosecutors said agency workers had indicated "significant concerns" a year prior to the death of the child, but the caseworker had made entries indicating there had been no changes to the child from previous visits, even though signs of malnourishment would have been obvious by then. The caseworker's lawyer said his client had been directed to make post-death computer entries by his superiors. Then all the lawyers blamed the agency!<br />
<br />
Everyone has been spending time pointing fingers everywhere except at the guy who was supposed to go to the house and monitor that child.<br />
<br />
So what happened to this kid is her own mother tied her to a bed, beat her with a belt, deprived her of food and water, and force-fed her drugs. The kid died from being beaten, starved and drug-poisoned. The grandmother witnessed the girl being bound to her bed, beaten and starved and did nothing.<br />
<br />
So, when I tell people to call Child Protective Services (CPS), maybe I should just smack my head on the desk. Yet, a lot of people are freaking out at this story, saying "Oh my God, if you put these people on trial, you're not going to get anybody to do the job." Don't you love it when people say "don't hamper the bad guys, because then we won't even have them!" <br />
<br />
I think it's very important for every caseworker to know if a kid dies and it can be demonstrated you were negligent, you are toast - you are seriously toast.Staff2011-05-25T13:00:00ZHe's Perfect, Except for His CareerStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Hes-Perfect,-Except-for-His-Career/9.html2011-05-24T07:00:00Z2011-05-24T07:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />Why is it many women tell me they’ve met the perfect man <em>except for…..?? </em>This week the “except for….” is about his career choice (one she is concerned about): <br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura#p/a/u/0/qD7gbYPxxGg" target="_blank"><img alt="" src="/images/Site/Blog/hes_perfect_275p.jpg" style="border-width: 0px;border-style: solid;" /></a> </div>Staff2011-05-24T07:00:00ZWhy Men Are FailingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Men-Are-Failing/10.html2011-05-23T22:59:00Z2011-05-23T22:59:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />I read in an article in <em>Slate</em> by a professor in the Sociology Department at the University of Texas at Austin. I had some problems with some of his explanations, but the main point is so right on! Women and girls today are, by and large, really stupid about love and sex. As I have said so many times to women who have called my radio show: <em>"Why are you acting like an unpaid whore? Whatever happened to wanting to be on a pedestal?"</em><br />
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Women in America are the freest of any women in the world and they make stupid choices without thinking about the consequences to their lives and the out-of-wedlock kids or the wedlock kids, and then the divorce.<br />
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The article is called "Sex is Cheap: Why Young Men Have the Upper Hand in Bed, Even When They're Failing in Life." I've always said it's the women who decide the level of morality in a society. What women will and won't do is the line in the sand.<br />
<br />
Women used to take some pride in deciding with whom and when they would have sex. In the animal kingdom, males have to fight and dance in order to qualify to have sex with the females - they either have to fight other males for access, or they have to enthrall the female somehow, which is one of the reasons males of the species are usually prettier than the females. Male birds are usually more colorful, because they need to impress to get the girl. There are species in which males have to make an entire nest or the female won't be bothered! Critters whose brains are a microscopic percentage of human brains, with little or no gray matter, seem to have better sense when it's instinctive, as opposed to when there is freedom of choice.<br />
<br />
As women have gotten weaker and stupider, more kids are born out-of-wedlock, and there's more chaos, violence, and drug use so more kids are ADHD because their lives are total chaos. <br />
<br />
Yes, I blame it on the women, and I am a woman. We are the ones who determine everything when it comes to relationships. A guy used to have to get down on one knee, convince your parents he was worthy and could support a family, had to court you for at least a year and a half, then <em>maybe</em> you'd say "yes" if you thought he'd make a quality husband and father. Now, women just drop their pants if it's Tuesday....or Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday.<br />
<br />
So this article is pretty interesting, because it says young men are failing to adapt to contemporary life, but the author thinks it's all supply and demand. He has good arguments, but I don't agree with them. I think we've just had a generalized destruction of the fabric of society. You can hardly find a commercial on TV that doesn't use blatant, meaningless sexuality to sell a product. Children are brought up to think this is normal.<br />
<br />
Any woman who volunteers to NOT be on a pedestal is stupid. She is missing out on something adorable and sweet - a man wooing, wanting, and working to earn her. Now, women have a date and a half and are on their backs or on their knees. Women are putting perfectly good prostitutes out of business. At least the commitment those "working girls" get is money. Now "good girls" will do it for nothing, just to be there.<br />
<br />
What makes all this horrible is the number of girls who get knocked up, and either have the baby sucked into a sink or believe they can handle it themselves. The kids have no dad and no extended family structure. It's all very sad, and it's overwhelmingly the fault of the woman, because we're the ones making these decisions. Unless it is assaultive criminal rape, we make these decisions. We get drunk, we get naked, we do whatever, and then we generalize it and justify it in some stupid way, but basically speaking, that's it.<br />
<br />
So young men aren't working hard anymore, and their failures in life aren't penalizing them in the bedroom. Ironically (and I've pointed this out many times), being so sexually successful hinders a man's drive to achieve in life. It used to be a well-known statistic men who are married, have children, and work hard to support their families are more successful than single dudes, because they have something to live for and to work for. Guys don't have that anymore. They have women who aren't expecting them to be more or to do more.<br />
<br />
Cheap sex is what women settle for, and that's what they get. When they are not respected, they're not adored, they're not revered, they're not loved, they're not really wanted, and they're not on a pedestal. Then do you know what they do?<br />
<br />
They bitch.Staff2011-05-23T22:59:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/11.html2011-05-21T02:18:00Z2011-05-21T02:18:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" /><br />
<em>"...Word to the Nation: Guard zealously your right to serve in the Armed Forces, for without them, there will be no other rights to guard."</em><br />
- John F. Kennedy<br />
1917-1963<br />
35th President of the United States<br />
1961-1963<br />
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<br />
Saturday, May 21 is Armed Forces Day.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><img alt="" src="/images/Site/Blog/armed_forces_flags.jpg" style="border-width: 0px;border-style: solid;" /></div>Staff2011-05-21T02:18:00ZBirth Control Affects Your Personal ChemistryStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Birth-Control-Affects-Your-Personal-Chemistry/12.html2011-05-19T22:14:00Z2011-05-19T22:14:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />Science has poked its nose into how men and women are attracted to each other, as outlined in an article in the Wall Street Journal, entitled "<a href="http://online.wsj.com/article_email/SB10001424052748704681904576313243579677316-IMyQjAxMTAxMDEwMDExNDAyWj.html" target="_blank">The Tricky Chemistry of Attraction</a>:" <br />
<br />
As it turns out, taking birth control pills can really screw up your attraction to the right kind of guy! The attraction is only for those days you should have been ovulating. So when you choose a life mate, and take a year and a half to do this, be aware real chemistry certainly is involved in the initial attraction:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;"><em>The type of man a woman is drawn to is known to change during her monthly cycle - when a woman is fertile, for instance, she might look for a man with more masculine features. Taking the pill or another type of hormonal contraceptive upends this natural dynamic, making less masculine men seem more attractive....The findings have led researchers to wonder about the implications for partner choice, relationship quality, and even the health of the children produced by these partnerships....The study also showed that women seemed to prefer the scents of men whose immune systems were most different from the women's own immune-system genes....</em></blockquote><br />
Having two different immune systems would give the children better protection against bad germs. Supposedly, we ferret this out by using our sense of smell!<br />
<br />
In the movie Species, a gorgeous female alien gets loose from a research laboratory and goes searching for a male. She picks up this one guy, he takes her home, and she starts kissing him ferociously. Then suddenly, she stops, sniffs him, and then kills him! She sniffed he had diabetes! She kills rather than mates with a man who is not going to pass on healthy chromosomes. It looks like some of this biology is built into us (short of the homicide part, that is).<br />
<br />
When women ovulate, they give off subtle cues, and men tend to find them more attractive at this time. But when she's using hormonal birth control, she's no longer interested in masculine men, and masculine men are no longer interested in her:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="webkit-indent-blockquote" style="border: none;margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 40px; padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px;"><em>Researchers speculate that women with less-masculine partners may become less interested in their partner when they come off birth control, contributing to relationship dissatisfaction....[and] and increased attraction for other men during their fertile phase. Women partnered with traditionally masculine partners didn't have such urges....</em></blockquote><br />
So the message is don't pick a guy when you're on the pill, 'cuz you're going to pick a wuss. And when you get off the pill and you're married with three kids, you'll look at him and think "I married a wuss," and the next time you're fertile, you'll get turned on to some macho dude. <br />
<br />
I cannot argue that in attraction, there probably is a lot of biology and chemistry involved, because we're biological creatures. Human beings with their incredible gray matter, however, are complex and decisions are made for many different reasons having nothing to do with health or picking a good partner.Staff2011-05-19T22:14:00ZEmpty NestersStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Empty-Nesters/13.html2011-05-18T22:53:00Z2011-05-18T22:53:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />Sociologists popularized the term "empty nest syndrome" in the 1970s. The media, of course, helped make its existence part of conventional wisdom. Everybody gets empty nest syndrome. But more recently, a number of psychologists who are doing research have begun taking a more nuanced look at this transition, some of them because they were not experiencing the distress that the popular literature says is "typical" when children leave home. Truth is - it's not typical. <br />
<br />
Most people go through a transition and come out of it just fine, no matter what the transition is... menopause, retirement, even the death of somebody important. And, what is clear, most people (perhaps after some period of time of going "whoa, my routine is off here") have increased satisfaction, improved relationships, and less stress. Most parents enjoy a sense of greater freedom, a reconnection with their spouses, and more time to pursue their goals and interests once their kids leave home because most parents sacrifice. They put their interests aside to take care of family.<br />
<br />
One of the most important factors in a parental concern and inability to slide into the next chapter of life is when the kids screw up. When the kids leave and do well, most parents do fine. When the kids leave and screw up, parents' ability to enjoy their empty nest is messed with and they spend a lot of their time suffering and rescuing, perhaps, yet again. <br />
<br />
There are typical qualities which lead some people to make a transition better or less well. If you're a person for whom change is stressful period, then change is going to be stressful. A lot of people look at change as challenging, refreshing or a little "nervous-making," but pretty exciting. Some people have to have rigorous constancy to feel okay. So, for them, change is very stressful -- any change is stressful. Moving is stressful. So kids' leaving is stressful. That's not empty nest syndrome. That's someone with anxiety disorder from ground zero. <br />
<br />
If a person's marriage is unstable, unsatisfactory and on the verge of imploding, then when the kids leave home, the buffer (i.e., the other thing to pay attention to) is gone and that's upsetting. People who have few friends, few interests, few hobbies, few dreams and put all their focus on their kids obviously are going to have a tough time when the kids leave. For some people who make their whole identity being somebody's mother and usually ignore their husbands, friends and other activities, while solely focusing on being the CIA over their kids will discover a big hole when the kids leave.<br />
<br />
For most people, the transition is really comforting and comfortable and pretty exciting...in which they establish a new kind of relationship with their kids, where they're mentors and not supreme deities. It's a time where husband and wife can frolic and go away, and their schedules are their own. People who have had dreams and desires like skydiving (I remember one lady mentioned that)...can go back to start doing some of those wacky things. I would say, in general, it is atypical to greatly suffer. Most people consider the kids moving out be a normal, healthy event -- even a positive one. So it's hard to get sympathy. And, oftentimes, we have a doubling or quadrupling up: kids leave, you're also retiring or somebody's going through menopause, death or divorce...wow. So it's not so much even that the kids are leaving, it's just we have a million things happening at one time, and that's really upsetting. The best thing to do in these predicaments is to get some help. If you're at the end of your tether, get some help.<br />
<br />
Consider volunteer work, join a hobby group, network with friends, find some employment opportunities; set achievable goals. The empty nest can be just what it says: a dreadful event filled with emptiness and boredom, <strong>or </strong>an exciting time with new beginnings, renewing old friendships, hobbies, interests, creating new directions for a creative life. It's <em>your</em> choice. <br />
<br />
<div><br />
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura#p/a/u/0/Phl784PscBg"></a></div>Staff2011-05-18T22:53:00ZLove 'Em, Then Leave 'EmStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Love-Em,-Then-Leave-Em/14.html2011-05-18T03:50:00Z2011-05-18T03:50:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />Are men selfish when they put their sexual desires before a woman's feelings or are they "wusses" if they actually take responsibility for them? That's the debate going on between a young woman and her boyfriend. She decided to write to me to break the gridlock:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura#p/a/u/0/v7o6eTi39o8" target="_blank"><img alt="My Friend Likes Him, But He Likes Me" src="/images/Site/Blog/love_leave_275p.jpg" /></a><br />
<div style="text-align: left;"><br />
Or watch other videos at <a href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura" target="_self">youtube.com/DrLaura</a></div>
</div>Staff2011-05-18T03:50:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/16.html2011-05-13T23:44:00Z2011-05-13T23:44:00Z<img class="blog-icon-large" alt="Icon" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" style="text-align: right;" /><em>Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember: it didn't work for the rabbit</em><br />
- R. E. Shay<br />
Humorist<br />
<br />
And for the superstitious among us, need we remind you that today is Friday the 13th?<br />
<br />
<p> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Friday, the 13th..." src="/images/Site/Blog/choc_bunny_1.jpg" /></p>Staff2011-05-13T23:44:00ZMy Friend Likes Him, But He Likes MeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/My-Friend-Likes-Him,-But-He-Likes-Me/17.html2011-05-13T06:29:00Z2011-05-13T06:29:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />Today's question sounds like the plot of a movie (and there's one coming out with a very similar story line) - the "eternal love triangle" - high school edition.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura#p/a/u/0/DAXZ4R2N__U" target="_blank"><img alt="My Friend Likes Him, But He Likes Me" src="/images/Site/Blog/friend_likes_him_275p.jpg" /></a></div>Staff2011-05-13T06:29:00ZOvercoming Life's ChallengesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Overcoming-Lifes-Challenges/18.html2011-05-12T02:26:00Z2011-05-12T02:26:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />There are many people living with physical disabilities who lead truly inspiring lives. Some you may know in your own personal lives. I want to share some stories with you and hope they will inspire and challenge you to live your best life.<br />
<br />
Probably one of the world's best-known high achievers with a disability is Stephen Hawking. He's an internationally renowned physicist/mathematician, who, at 35, was Cambridge's first professor of gravitational physics. He has written a best-selling book (which was later made into a film) called "A Brief History of Time: From the Big Bang to Black Holes." He's in a wheelchair and can hardly move any part of his body. He has a mechanism to help him talk, but it sounds like something from a science fiction movie. His body is seriously disabled, but his mind is not. So, he's committed it to using it at math.<br />
<br />
Franklin Delano Roosevelt , the 32nd President of the United States, contracted polio in 1921, and was paralyzed from the waist down. Refusing to accept his paralysis, he tried different therapies and methods to try to walk, and did master walking short distances using iron braces and a cane. Men were men in that era, and he wanted to look strong as President. He established a foundation to help others with polio and directed the March of Dimes program which eventually funded an effective vaccine.<br />
<br />
My favorite and absolute heroine, however, is Helen Keller. She was an American author, political activist and lecturer... She was also blind, deaf, and mute. That sort of cuts out a lot of input when you're blind AND deaf. She was the first blind and deaf person to be awarded a Bachelor of Arts degree. The list goes on and on.<br />
<br />
So, what is it that makes a Helen Keller or a Stephen Hawking? Or an Albert Einstein for that matter (he had a learning disability)? How do they do it, and why do they do it?<br />
<br />
I had a caller recently from a man who was 120 pounds overweight. He had aches and pains, and couldn't find motivation, or didn't want motivation. It's not like you can "find" motivation - either you're motivated or you're not. I believe those who "can't" in actuality just "won't." But how do you overcome tough, difficult and demoralizing challenges? How do you just not simmer in self-pity or negativity?<br />
<br />
Well, the first way is to motivate yourself. Motivate yourself any way you want, but <strong>just do it</strong>. <br />
<br />
Next, calm down and take it slowly. When you're facing serious problems and troubles in life, you can't panic your way through something. You can't think through a panic. You need to find a way to do that. Most people avoid challenges because failure is too embarrassing or uncomfortable, but when you don't even face a challenge, that's the biggest failure. Trying something and not being able to do it well or not at all is not considered failure in my book. It's the beginning of success. Failing can be frustrating and embarrassing, but <em>so what</em>? <br />
<br />
Third, simplify the problem. Break it down into parts. Do one thing at a time: what went wrong, what are your options, and what could happen with each option? Simplify each step. One of the reasons people have trouble tackling tough problems is because they tend to make them complicated. Keep it simple.<br />
<br />
Finally, you need inner strength, because you have to do the best you can to maintain confidence and a positive outlook, because that's going to ebb and flow. Some people get freaked out when that happens, but that's normal!<br />
<br />
Last, but not least, is to learn how to live with a little bit of failure. That's how we learn. That's the only way to get better.
<div style="text-align: center;"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura#p/a/u/0/Phl784PscBg"></a></div>Staff2011-05-12T02:26:00ZEvery Mommy Has A StoryStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Every-Mommy-Has-A-Story/19.html2011-05-07T21:00:00Z2011-05-07T21:00:00Z<img class="blog-icon-large" alt="Icon" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" />As we celebrate Mother's Day, let's not forget that we all have family stories to tell. I have one about a stuffed bear who helped our family when my son was still an infant.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura#p/a/u/0/Phl784PscBg" target="_blank"><img alt="Every Mommy Has a Story" src="/images/Site/Blog/every_mommy_275p.jpg" /></a></div>Staff2011-05-07T21:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/20.html2011-05-07T05:16:00Z2011-05-07T05:16:00Z<img class="blog-icon-large" alt="Icon" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" /><em>"...[M]others most of all...carry the key of our souls in their bosoms."</em><br />
- Oliver Wendell Holmes<br />
<p> </p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Happy Mother's Day" src="/images/Site/Blog/mothers_day_11.jpg" /></p>Staff2011-05-07T05:16:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/21.html2011-04-30T02:54:00Z2011-04-30T02:54:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" /><em>Far and away the best prize that life has to offer is the chance to work hard at work worth doing.</em><br />
- Theodore Roosevelt<br />
1858-1919<br />
26th President of the United States<br />
1901-1909<br />
<p> </p>Staff2011-04-30T02:54:00ZMom Pull Back, Dad Step ForwardStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Mom-Pull-Back,-Dad-Step-Forward/22.html2011-04-29T01:17:00Z2011-04-29T01:17:00Z<img class="blog-icon-large" alt="Icon" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" />A mom's 14 year old son has a "tender heart" and frequently gets emotionally hurt. What should she do?<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura#p/a/u/0/6tolx-VDjjo" target="_blank"><img alt="Mom Pull Back, Dad Step Forward" src="/images/Site/Blog/mom_pull_275p.jpg" /></a></div>Staff2011-04-29T01:17:00ZDating Again: Divorced vs. Widowed?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dating-Again:--Divorced-vs.-Widowed/23.html2011-04-22T04:09:00Z2011-04-22T04:09:00Z<img class="blog-icon-large" alt="Icon" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" />If you're back on the dating scene and you're no longer a young adult, you may find that the available pool is filled with those who have been either divorced or widowed. Is there a better chance at happiness with one group, or does it even matter?<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura#p/a/u/0/aTEz5Lw3LbQ" target="_blank"><img alt="Separated Three Days of the Week" src="/images/Site/Blog/dvw_275p.jpg" /></a></div>Staff2011-04-22T04:09:00ZInterview with Publisher of Movieguide, The Family Guide to Movies and EntertainmentStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Interview-with-Publisher-of-Movieguide,-The-Family-Guide-to-Movies-and-Entertainment/24.html2011-04-20T00:29:00Z2011-04-20T00:29:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />I often hear from parents that it's difficult to find movies or TV shows that the family can enjoy together. Ted Baehr, publisher of <a href="http://drlaura.com/LinkClick.aspx?link=http%3a%2f%2fmovieguide.org%2f&tabid=107&mid=524" target="_blank">Movieguide.org</a> was my guest recently and discussed that issue as well as the results of his research into the kind of movies that do best at the box office. You may be surprised: <strong><a href="http://drlaura.com/LinkClick.aspx?link=113&tabid=107&mid=524">Interview with Ted Baehr</a></strong>Staff2011-04-20T00:29:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/25.html2011-04-16T00:09:00Z2011-04-16T00:09:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" /><em>Taxes: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an automatic extension.</em><br />
- Author Unknown<br />
<p> </p>Staff2011-04-16T00:09:00ZSeparated Three Days of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Separated-Three-Days-of-the-Week/26.html2011-04-14T21:46:00Z2011-04-14T21:46:00Z<img class="blog-icon-large" alt="Icon" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" />Her husband’s travel schedule leaves one stay-at-home mom feeling overwhelmed:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura#p/a/u/0/05MI0gPE_tg" target="_blank"><img alt="Separated Three Days of the Week" src="/images/Site/Blog/separated_275p.jpg" /></a></div>Staff2011-04-14T21:46:00ZInterview with Founders of Mom-E-PreneursStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Interview-with-Founders-of-Mom-E-Preneurs/27.html2011-04-07T00:58:00Z2011-04-07T00:58:00Z<img class="blog-icon-large" alt="Icon" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" />A few months ago, I met Charisse McCoy and Shurhan Bass, two wonderful women who co-founded <a target="_blank" href="http://drlaura.com/LinkClick.aspx?link=http%3a%2f%2fwww.mom-e-preneurs.com%2f&tabid=107&mid=524">Mom-e-preneurs</a>, a non-profit support group for moms who work from home. They have found a way to be stay-at-home moms while still building businesses (but not at the expense of their children). If you want to work from home while still being there for your kids, this is a <strong><a href="http://drlaura.com/LinkClick.aspx?link=113&tabid=107&mid=524">"must" listen</a></strong>.<br />Staff2011-04-07T00:58:00ZMy Sailing Adventure on the High SeasStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/My-Sailing-Adventure-on-the-High-Seas/28.html2011-03-28T22:54:00Z2011-03-28T22:54:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />By this time, you've probably heard that Katana, my new race boat, did not finish the 800 miles to Cabo San Lucas.<br />
<br />
I took ownership of Katana one week before the start of the Newport Beach to Cabo race (which we won last year in all three categories). The point of entering this race was twofold: 1) to qualify for TRANSPAC ("Trans-Pacific" - a race from Los Angeles to Hawaii) in July - my ultimate dream, and 2) to shake the boat down and get her perfectly ready for TRANSPAC.<br />
<br />
Days before we started the race, we were concerned about the weather forecasts - high winds and high seas - which were unusual for the Cabo race at this time of year. The night before the race, it seemed most ominous, but by morning, it seemed a bit less so. We started the race prepared for bad weather, which was forecast to begin on Sunday, but the storm conditions moved in quickly. The boat was handling the confused seas and high, gusty winds very well. Our one big issue was the number of serious leaks filling the front of the boat with ankle high water (I didn't know it in advance, but some of the seals had not been finished in time - ugh!).<br />
<br />
One of our crew became seasick in spite of wearing the "patch," and became incapacitated. As the conditions worsened, as the skipper, I decided to turn the boat around and head back to San Diego. My boat is 47 feet long, and a number of larger boats (up to 70 feet) had already turned around. Some boats were damaged and turned around for safety reasons. Even we blew out two downhauls (jib and main), but the boat was still seaworthy. Since this was a test run for the boat, I saw no reason to risk the crew (we all wore life vests and were always tethered in while we were on deck). Basically, this wasn't fun, and the conditions were worsening, and I simply did not want to risk the welfare of my crew/friends. They all have families and ultimately, I am responsible for everyone when aboard my boat.<br />
<br />
When we turned around, we were now going downwind on crazy waves, and the boat was doing over 20 knots - that WAS fun!<br />
<br />
We thought we were safe when we closed in on San Diego Harbor, but the nightmare was just beginning. As we approached land, I told my crew that once we got her in a slip, we would button her up and clean her up in the morning. It was going to be time for a hot dinner and hot shower and then a warm bed. But it was not to be.<br />
<br />
We dropped the main and tied her up. Then a squall hit us with ferocious winds. We dropped the jib, and I tried to turn on the engine, but the propellers wouldn't work. We were now without power, and huge winds were pushing us into the rocks. It was so ironic - after dealing with the open ocean, we were in dire trouble so close to safety. My boat captain, Kit Will, and tactician immediately got a small jib (foresail) up, so that we could have some steerage and for 1 1/2 hours, we made circles while my navigator and I tried to get the Coast Guard to help us as well as Vessel Assist.<br />
<br />
Frankly, I was devastated to realize that the Coast Guard would not come out and help us (I guess their budget cuts call for coming out after disasters occur), and Vessel Assist was not readily available. After my navigator had several calm discussions with the Coast Guard, I got on the phone and told them we were in deep trouble of losing the boat and the crew against the rocks and we needed help now! Finally, a Coast Guard cutter came out at the same time as Vessel Assist arrived, and we were towed into the slip. Remember, all of this was taking place during a squall.<br />
<br />
The next morning, Kit, my boat captain, jumped into the frigid water to check out our propellers. Unbelievable. A two-cent length of fishing wire, complete with hook, was wrapped around the propeller! That is all it took to put nine people and one boat in serious trouble.<br />
<br />
When we finally made it to a hotel, it was 11PM, and all we could do was order pizzas from a local establishment that still delivered at that hour. We were exhausted, soaked, and seriously tired. We put away a lot of pizza, the guys had beer (delicate little me had a glass of wine), and boy, did we all ever sleep through the next morning.<br />
<br />
It was the most challenging experience on the water for me so far. My crew was amazing when it came to handling all the different types of situations that cropped up. It took me most of the week to get my energy back, but now I'm ready for our next adventure: a race known as "The Border Run.:"<br />
<br />
Thank you for all your good wishes and support. If you have any questions, please go to <a href="http://drlaura.com/LinkClick.aspx?link=http%3a%2f%2f%2f&tabid=107&mid=524">DrLaura.com</a>, sign up for the Dr. Laura Family, and email me. I'll do my best to answer.<br />
<br />
The bottom line for a sailor? We all came home safe.
<p></p>Staff2011-03-28T22:54:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/29.html2011-03-26T00:20:00Z2011-03-26T00:20:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" /><em>Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one.</em><br />
- Marcus Aurelius<br />
121 - 180 A.D.<br />
Roman Emperor<br />
<p> </p>Staff2011-03-26T00:20:00ZVote for Non-Union, Single-Sex ClassroomsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Vote-for-Non-Union,-Single-Sex-Classrooms/30.html2011-03-24T21:19:00Z2011-03-24T21:19:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />New York City recently issued a progress report on the difference between non-union and union charter schools. The 49 non-union charter schools operating in New York City significantly outperform the charter schools whose teachers operate under a contract negotiated by the United Federation of Teachers, which puts a stranglehold on what the school can do. Non-union charter schools earned an overall average score that converts to a B-. The union charter schools' average was nearly 10 points behind the non-union schools, earning these schools an average grade of C-. In each of the three categories in which the schools were graded (attendance, student efficiency rates, academic progress or improvement on New York State English, Language Arts, and Math exams), the non-union charter schools outperformed the UFT-represented charter schools.<br />
<br />
We ought to drop-kick the unions out of our schools. The unions are not there to make sure your kids get a good education. The unions are there as a political bully group and money-making apparatus.<br />
<br />
I've said it a zillion times and will continue saying it whenever given the opportunity: in addition to non-union schools, our children should also be educated in single-sex classrooms. Simply putting girls in one room and boys in the other is not the point. In fact, there have been public schools which did just that, and had everything happen the same as usual. That gives you a bad outcome. The idea of the single-sex education format is it creates opportunities that don't exist in the co-ed classroom. Teachers can employ strategies in the all-boys classroom and in the all-girls classroom which don't work well or at all in the co-ed classroom. So, the teachers need appropriate training in professional development.<br />
<br />
In parts of Alabama, Florida, Hawaii, Iowa and Illinois there has been a dramatic improvement in grades and test scores after adopting single-sex classrooms, but that's because they did more than just put the girls in separate rooms. In each of the schools examined, teachers received training in practical gender-specific classroom strategies and the best practices for gender-separate classrooms. Researchers at Stetson University in Florida completed a three-year pilot project comparing the single-sex classrooms with co-ed classrooms at a particular elementary school. Students in the fourth grade were assigned to either single-sex or co-ed classrooms. All other relevant parameters (class size, teacher training, etc.) were matched. Here's how it came out:<br />
<br />
Boys in co-ed classes: 37% scored "proficient."<br />
Boys in single sex classes: 86% scored "proficient"<br />
Girls in co-ed classes: 59% scored "proficient"<br />
Girls in single-sex classes: 75% scored "proficient"<br />
<br />
What's interesting is, when they do the training, you see a whole difference in how the boys' classrooms and the girls' classrooms look. For example, in the boys' classrooms, you'll see boys all over the room. They often have music on, they're given something to do with their hands and they're given individual projects. In the girls' classrooms, they're all sitting there lined up, sweet, compliant, and listening. Girls and boys are different. Boys bounce off walls and do much better when you don't constrain them to a seat. When some of the boys were in co-ed classrooms, they were labeled as "learning disabled" or with ADHD. Many of the boys who scored "proficient" in the single-sex classroom had previously been labeled as having ADHD.<br />
<br />
The proof is there. At minimum, there's no distraction in single-sex classrooms. But you've got the ACLU, the National Organization of "I Don't Know What Kind of" Women, the American Association of University Women and other groups jumping up and down screaming that this is some kind of discrimination. This kind of blind, ignorant hysteria is really annoying because it doesn't speak to the needs of the children.<br />
<br />
So, in non-unionized charter schools, kids do better. Single-sex classrooms, where the teachers are specifically trained to deal with how girls and boys learn are superior. If you don't have access to those, then try homeschooling. Notice how you teach your sons and daughters differently, because you know how to get their attention, and it's different with each gender. The little girls are just dying to please, and the little boys are bouncing off the walls. They don't have to be ADHD to bounce off the walls. They just have to be male.<br />
<p> </p>Staff2011-03-24T21:19:00ZInterview with Premarital Counseling ExpertsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Interview-with-Premarital-Counseling-Experts/31.html2011-03-22T01:26:00Z2011-03-22T01:26:00Z<img class="blog-icon-large" alt="Icon" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" />Dr. Roger Tirabassi has led popular pre-marital seminars in California which have prepared over 1000 couples for marriage. He and his wife Becky have co-authored <strong><em>Seriously Dating or Engaged: A PreMarital Workbook</em></strong>, which gives couples the tools they'll need for enjoying a lasting relationship. I wanted to talk with them to find out exactly how they prepare couples and what they're finding in today's social environment: <a href="http://www.drlaura.com/LinkClick.aspx?link=113&tabid=107&mid=524"><strong>Listen to the Interview</strong></a><strong></strong><br />
<p> </p>Staff2011-03-22T01:26:00ZRough Seas!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Rough-Seas!/32.html2011-03-21T07:51:00Z2011-03-21T07:51:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />There were rough seas. Several boats had to return to port including Katana, but boat and all the crew are fine and well.
<p></p>Staff2011-03-21T07:51:00ZAbout to Start the Race...Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/About-to-Start-the-Race.../33.html2011-03-20T01:58:00Z2011-03-20T01:58:00Z<img class="blog-icon-large" alt="Icon" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" />Beginning today, I'll be on the sea for the Newport Harbor Yacht Club - Cabo 2011 race. We'll be sailing 800 miles from Newport Beach, California to Cabo san Lucas, Mexico. I'm the skipper of the Katana.
<p >We are an hour from the start. We are spending our time going over safety equipment, techniques and weather forecast. We are anticipating tomorrow (Sunday) being a bumpy day. We are well organized, enthusiastic and READY to roll.<br />
<br />
If you want, you'll be able to <a href="http://drlaura.com/LinkClick.aspx?link=http%3a%2f%2fcloud.iboattrack.com%2fr%2fstart.php%3fr%3d2011_newportbeach_cabo&tabid=107&mid=524" target="_blank"><strong>follow my progress here</strong></a>. When the race first starts, all you'll see on this map are little "boat icons" all scrunched together, but you can zoom in. Each of those icons represents one of the 30 boats in the race. If you scroll over them, you'll see the name of the boat. Look for the Katana, which is where we'll be. The race is expected to take about six days, but it depends on weather conditions.<br />
<br />
More updates later!</p>Staff2011-03-20T01:58:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/34.html2011-03-19T02:41:00Z2011-03-19T02:41:00Z<img class="blog-icon-large" alt="Icon" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" />
<p><em>Anyone acquainted with Ireland knows that the morning of St. Patrick's Day consists of the night of the seventeenth of March flavored strongly with the morning of the eighteenth. </em></p>
- Author unknown<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><img alt="Happy St. Patrick's Day" src="/images/Site/Blog/st_pat_day.jpg" /></div>Staff2011-03-19T02:41:00ZFor Adult Ears Only?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/For-Adult-Ears-Only/35.html2011-03-18T01:20:00Z2011-03-18T01:20:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" />Families go through tough times when there's marital strife, separation or divorce, and kids are emotionally the most vulnerable. Is it appropriate to tell them why you're not choosing to date others at this time? Watch the video:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura#p/a/u/0/tX-XL0thZbE"><img src="/images/Site/Blog/adult_ears_480p.jpg" alt="For Adult Ears Only?" /></a></div>Staff2011-03-18T01:20:00ZStop Being A Wuss! Just Say It!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Stop-Being-A-Wuss!-Just-Say-It!/36.html2011-03-12T02:42:00Z2011-03-12T02:42:00Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" />Family members seem to have a hard time when it comes to being firm with those closest to them. Case in point: today's letter from a grandma who doesn't want to offend her granddaughter. Watch the video:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a target="_blank" href="http://www.youtube.com/drlaura#p/a/u/0/UDVkO9DcU1E"><img src="/images/Site/Blog/wuss_480_p.jpg" alt="Stop Being a Wuss! Just Say It!" /></a></div>Staff2011-03-12T02:42:00ZInterview with Parents Who Had Wrong Embryo ImplantedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Interview-with-Parents-Who-Had-Wrong-Embryo-Implanted/37.html2011-03-10T00:22:00Z2011-03-10T00:22:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" class="blog-icon-large" alt="Icon" /><em></em>It's a nightmare no one wants to live out in real life. Carolyn and Sean Savage, undergoing an in vitro fertilization (IVF) transfer, had the wrong embryo implanted, yet they brought the baby to term and then turned the infant over to his genetic parents. I wanted to talk to this courageous couple about their heartbreaking journey. <a href="http://stage.drlaura.com/LinkClick.aspx?link=113&tabid=107&mid=524">Listen to the interview here.</a>Staff2011-03-10T00:22:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/38.html2011-03-05T07:24:00Z2011-03-05T07:24:00Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/><em>Mardi Gras is a thing which could hardly exist in the practical North. For the soul of it is the romantic, not the funny and the grotesque. Take away the romantic mysteries, the kings and knights and big-sounding titles, and Mardi-Gras would die, down there in the South.</em><br />
- Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens)<br />
American author and humorist<br />
1835-1910Staff2011-03-05T07:24:00ZHelp! My Husband Hates His WorkStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Help!--My-Husband-Hates-His-Work/39.html2011-03-05T05:37:00Z2011-03-05T05:37:00Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/><p>A wife really wants to help her husband, who sometimes finds himself in tears, because he hates the work he does at a company he loves. She's at a loss as to what to do, so she turned to me for advice:<br />
<a target="_blank" href="http://www.drlaura.com/LinkClick.aspx?link=http%3a%2f%2fwww.youtube.com%2fwatch%3fv%3dYq197NOuLXs&tabid=107&mid=524"><img alt="" height="239" width="459" src="/Portals/1/Blog/he_hates_his_work_239.jpg" /></a></p>Staff2011-03-05T05:37:00ZInterview with Country Singer Craig Morgan on HeroismStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Interview-with-Country-Singer-Craig-Morgan-on-Heroism/40.html2011-03-01T01:00:00Z2011-03-01T01:00:00Z<img src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" class="blog-icon-large" alt="Icon" />What does it mean to be a "hero," and why do some people jump right in and others stand on the sidelines? Country Singer Craig Morgan is best known for his songs: "Redneck Yacht Club," "That's What I Love About Sunday" and "International Harvester" among others. He's been inducted into the Grand Ole Opry and is the star of the reality series: "Craig Morgan All Access Outdoors." Craig also spent 10 years on active duty in the U.S. Army and is a tireless supporter of U.S. soldiers and their families. Craig very recently rescued two small children from a burning house in his Tennessee neighborhood. Yet he says he's NOT a hero. There are reasons why some "ordinary" people end up doing extraordinary things when the chips are down. <a href="http://stage.drlaura.com/LinkClick.aspx?link=113&tabid=107&mid=524">Listen to the Interview</a>Staff2011-03-01T01:00:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/41.html2011-02-26T06:18:33Z2011-02-26T06:18:33Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
American Transcendentalist author
1803 - 1882Staff2011-02-26T06:18:33ZInterview with Dr. David Velkoff on Autism and ADHD TreatmentStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Interview-with-Dr.-David-Velkoff-on-Autism-and-ADHD-Treatment/42.html2011-02-24T23:58:09Z2011-02-24T23:58:09Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>So many kids today are getting diagnoses of some form of attention-deficit disorder, and their families are confused about the treatments that are recommended. So I invited Dr. David Velkoff, the Medical Director of southern California's Drake Institute (and an advertiser on my program) to sort through the options for ADHD and autism. Dr. Velkoff is a leader in non-drug, behavioral therapies, but he also discusses the range of treatments available. This is "required listening" for those who have family members diagnosed with one of these disorders, and even if you don't, Dr. Velkoff clears up a lot of misconceptions about treatment.
Listen to the interview.Staff2011-02-24T23:58:09ZBullies CAN Be Stopped!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Bullies-CAN-Be-Stopped!/43.html2011-02-23T00:41:08Z2011-02-23T00:41:08Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>If it seems to you that bullying is getting worse, you're right. It seems to be happening at earlier ages, with more frequency, and now we've got "cyberbullying" so the entire universe can get in on humiliating someone. This is not just about kids - "poop" rolls downhill and kids are the last stop.
If you look at our society, you can hardly find a place where there
isn't
bullying. Kids hear about the drug cartels coming into the United States and being in the hills in Arizona and other places bullying and threatening others.
I also made a decision recently. My decision is it will be extremely rare for me to ever be interviewed on television again, because it's mostly a format for bullying. When I started out 35 years ago, and you were invited to a TV show, basically, they wanted to
learn
something from you, so they'd ask questions to get information. There are almost no journalists left - because TV is basically a pulpit for bullying. Talk radio has become that too. The tons of yelling and screaming and name-calling and beating people up who can't defend themselves is just standard. Then there's music - the music that many young people listen to is ugly, mean and threatening. Look at the videos - they're all "macho:" threatening, mean or hyper-sexed, or hyper-sexed
and
threatening and mean. There's hardly a place kids can turn. It's become abusive. Our society is largely abusive, so I'm not surprised that we're seeing kids acting it out. Our kids are a product of this culture, which has gone to hell in a handbasket, in my opinion.
I have a bunch of statistics about this stuff, and then I'm going to tell you what will
stop
all the bullying. Unfortunately, I don't think what will stop bullying will ever actually happen. Here are some eye-opening facts:
The top 5 states for school bullying are California, New York, Illinois, Pennsylvania and Washington.
77% of students are bullied mentally, verbally, and physically, and half of these incidents go unreported, because nothing happens if it is.
Every 7 minutes a child is bullied on a playground. Adult intervention? Only FOUR PERCENT of the time. No intervention? More than 85% of the time.
46% of the males and 26% of the females reported that they had been in physical fights, according to school bullying stats. Keep in mind this is not conflict, yet they keep introducing "conflict resolution" into schools. There IS no conflict in a bullying situation. There's a bully and a victim. Only one of them has aggression in mind. In a conflict,
both
of them do.
Bullying is the most common form of violence in our society.
The impact on the victims is horrible. In middle school, I was bullied because a mother was an immigrant - a legal immigrant, but that didn't matter. I got bullied anyway. A couple of times I got into a fist fight when someone called my mother a name, but it was
nothing
like it is now.
So they tell kids if they're a victim, avoid the perpetrator; avoid areas where there are no teachers around (only 4% of them intervene anyway, so what's the point); never go into the locker room or bathroom by yourself, sit in the front of the bus, and on and on.
What the hell is this? Telling a little kid that he or she has to be completely paranoid?
Hell no! You need to take them to martial arts and teach them self-defense. All children should learn self-defense. One thing bullies of any level enjoy is that good people tend to be total wusses. Frightened, passive wusses at that. So teach your kids to stand up for themselves and other people.
I want to go back to those numbers about people who intervene - 85% of the time no one intervenes, and 4% of the time someone intervenes (I'm not sure what the other 11% do). Usually, other kids just stand by. That's why there are bullies. You can say all you want, but bullies aren't important because they've done good deeds or are the best students in the class. They're important because they're considered dangerous. And the reason there are bullies is because other people do nothing, so they get even more dangerous.
Bullying would stop if the kids who stand by are taught by their parents to intervene, whether physically or verbally. Bullies need to be shown they're not getting the fear or the respect they think they have (in their own minds of course). But I know this will never happen.
Do you raise your kids to take on "pieces of garbage" bullies? I bet not. It's the job of each one of us to stand between evil and the innocent, but that's not how we bring up our kids, is it?
I've said many times: "You don't swim with the sharks and you don't feed the sharks." So the reason bullying will continue to grow is because we're producing more "piece of garbage" kids, we defend them, protect them, show sympathy for them, and don't stop them. So I'm not surprised bullying is growing - that's all kids see around them.
Teach your kids how to defend themselves physically and how to be stronger against verbal nonsense, while teaching them to pound the heck out of bullies one way or another. Report them. Reward kids who report them. Reward kids who stop them. It's time we started rewarding people who put themselves in harm's way to protect someone else instead of just saying "Oh, we have a 'zero tolerance' policy here," which only forces people into not responding.Staff2011-02-23T00:41:08ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/44.html2011-02-18T22:17:08Z2011-02-18T22:17:08Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>...if Men are to be precluded from offering their Sentiments on a matter...reason is of no use to us; the freedom of Speech may be taken away, and dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep, to the Slaughter.
- General George Washington
Commander in Chief of the Continental Army (1774-1783) and
First President of the United States
From a speech to the Officers of the Army at Newburgh, New York
March 15, 1783Staff2011-02-18T22:17:08ZMoms Have Some Control Over Rise in Childhood ObesityStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Moms-Have-Some-Control-Over-Rise-in-Childhood-Obesity/45.html2011-02-17T00:28:23Z2011-02-17T00:28:23Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A good two-thirds of our population is fat or obese and that also goes for our kids.. Fat and obese. And there is more and more evidence coming out as to why. Poor eating habits, poor activity habits, and not genetics are the underlying causes for adolescent obesity according to a new study in the American Heart Journal.
In 1980, 6.5% of US children, from 6 - 11 were considered obese. That rose 20% by 2008.
Only one third of all kids were reported as exercising a minimum of 1/2 hour for 5 days during the prior week. Do you realize...only
one third
of all kids were reported as exercising only 1/2 hour for 5 days. What is that? Kids don't need to exercise -- they need to go out and play. Formal exercise is not necessary. They need to go out and play.
Obese kids were less likely than non-obese kids to participate in regular exercise. No kidding -- don't you love research like that? A lack of sleep is linked to obesity. Giving babies solid food too early is linked to obesity later on, except if kids are breast fed for a minimum of four months. Breast feeding seemed to fix that.
The most important part of this study is the part that gets people mad. Well, it gets moms mad. Children's chances of becoming fat rises the longer mothers work outside the home. Weight problems among children have soared in the past 3 decades as more women have joined the workforce.
A consortium of researchers at American University examined the relationship between kids' weight and mothers' work schedules and what factors about a woman's work might contribute to fat kids. They used data from 990 school-aged children in the study of early childhood and youth development. The longer the woman worked, the higher the likelihood her kids would be fat.
I've gotten so many calls from moms upset their overweight kids, are getting razzed at school about being fat or obese. And they want everybody to stop commenting on it. My suggestion is to make sure your family is not fat or obese anymore and the comments will stop! It's a voluntary condition.
Just do this little bit of anecdotal research: go to any restaurant (lunchtime in particular). Look at the thin people and see what they order. Look at the fat people and see what
they
order. By and large (pun intended) you will literally
see
why one is heavy and one is not. Last week, I went to a family-style restaurant and I got myself a salad. Salads can be very fattening if you put on dressing, so I always have the dressing on the side and take a little on the fork and drizzle it around.. I always get salads that have a little fruit in them because that keeps it moist. And I look over at the next table and what do I see? A huge cheeseburger and French Fries. I couldn't believe it in this day and age.
But the main problem children have is the inattention of their mothers, because their mothers are burning the candle from one end to the other and all along the middle. Because women have been bullied by the feminist mentality, they no longer believe being a mother and a wife and a homemaker is an adequate thing for anybody to do.
So they have full-time jobs, kids and a husband. They can't adequately take care of their kids to make sure they exercise and eat right. I think it was 60% of what people spend on food these days is spent on fast food. Well fast food tastes good because it's high in sugar, salt and fat. That's what makes it taste good.
So when you think "oh that piece of fish is so buttery," it is! God didn't make that fish that way. Whoever is in the back with the chef's hat did it.. Yet mommies aren't taking care of their families. They are too busy feeling they should work or they are meaningless human beings. They don't feel like shopping and cooking fresh dinners for their kids. And the whole family is sedentary because everybody is tired.
So kids are fat. And yeah, it's primarily mom. Sorry, I'm a woman. I'm looking at this and remember that I always made sure we had proper food. As far as exercise; my kid was always up and out and running. That's what kids should be doing.
I am frustrated so many of you women have underestimated your importance. What studies like this show is how important you are to the well-being and health of your children. Being told you can dump them in day care and just shove any kind of food and put them into bed and that's it, as long as there is money in the tiller, belies the fact that you're really very necessary for their health and welfare, happiness, structure, religion --
all
of this. We call it "Mommy Power." And so many women are willing to give up mommy power for some job, for some money. Even in this economy, it is very important we take care of ourselves as a family. Staff2011-02-17T00:28:23ZGrandma, Can You Babysit Again?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Grandma,-Can-You-Babysit-Again/46.html2011-02-15T23:03:52Z2011-02-15T23:03:52Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A single, divorced mom of a toddler lives back at home with her parents, and she's taking advantage of Grandma's ability to stay at home to watch her child....especially at night, when "mom" would rather party:Staff2011-02-15T23:03:52ZInterview with Parents of Most Cyberbullied Kid in the WorldStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Interview-with-Parents-of-Most-Cyberbullied-Kid-in-the-World/47.html2011-02-15T01:31:46Z2011-02-15T01:31:46Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Brent and Phelicia Hatch are the parents of McKay Hatch, the teen who instigated the movement toward "No Cussing Clubs" in schools. McKay has been called "the most cyberbullied kid in the world," so I wanted to talk to his parents about what that did to the family and how they dealt with some unbelievable harassment. In case you missed it, or you just want to hear it again, here's the
audio of the interview
.Staff2011-02-15T01:31:46ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/48.html2011-02-12T00:34:09Z2011-02-12T00:34:09Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Loving is not just looking at each other, it's looking in the same direction.
- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
French writer and aviator
1900-1944
From Wind, Sand, and Stars, 1939
Remember your Valentine on Monday, February 14thStaff2011-02-12T00:34:09ZI Always Have to Initiate AffectionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/I-Always-Have-to-Initiate-Affection/49.html2011-02-09T02:34:30Z2011-02-09T02:34:30Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A military wife wonders why her husband never makes the first move:Staff2011-02-09T02:34:30ZHelicopter vs. Free-Range ParentingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Helicopter-vs.-Free-Range-Parenting/50.html2011-02-07T22:58:43Z2011-02-07T22:58:43Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I read an article from England last week about "free-range vs. helicopter" parenting. According to the article, helicopter parents wrap their "children in cotton wool," and free-range parents "give [their] offspring a bus pass and mobile phone and [let] them go for it. One of the questions raised was "Should a three-year-old be allowed to risk possible (but unlikely) injury climbing to the top of the spider web in the playground?"
For myself, I'd say 'yeah.' Stand underneath or stand close and let them climb. The worst that can happen is that they get a "boo boo." Especially if they're boys, they
need
to do this stuff. I don't see that as either free-range or helicoptering. Kids have to explore the world and sometimes they're gonna get hurt. My theory is if you have a kid who hasn't broken a bone by the time he or she is 18, something is wrong.
United States mother and controversial journalist Lenore Skenazy sparked a global outcry a few years ago when she left her 9 year old son in a Manhattan department store with instructions on how to find his way home on the subway, and then wrote about it. The author of "Free-Range Kids" was labeled "America's worst mother." I would have had her arrested for putting her child in danger. Yet her reasoning behind her actions was part of her call for parents to raise safe and self-reliant children. Well, unless they're carrying a gun or are 5th degree blackbelts, that's kind of silly.
I decided to check out some of the information floating around the internet, and after looking at a lot of the numbers, here's my conclusion:
Anybody who tells you that being a helicopter mom is stupid and suffocating should be sneered at. The world is very different than what it was when we grew up. There is a lot of anger. For those of you who are among the older baby boomers, do you remember road rage? No. Did you know anything about gangs running around with guns and shooting up neighborhoods? No. What about drug dealers in the school (who are mainly other kids)? No. Do you remember 9 year old girls getting down on their knees to perform oral sex on the little boys in classrooms? No. So don't tell me the world isn't different. You need to be alert.
I remember when my son decided he wanted to ride his bicycle to school. I agonized for a while and then said "absolutely, you can ride your bike to school." He went to bed all happy. What he never knew was that every day, Dad followed at a distance so he could keep an eye on him without my son knowing Dad was there, just in case there was a car accident and he got hurt. But he got to have his sense of independence. He got to feel like a big boy on his own. But we didn't give up our responsibility to ensure his safety.
Yes, you must helicopter at a distance. To me, that's the answer. Free-range parents are what I see too much of today. You're either too lazy, too self-involved, too busy, busy, busy or just plain ignorant of your responsibilities. But helicoptering at a distance is good. Ultimately, our job is to nurture, to teach, to provide for them and to protect them. And don't lapse in the "protection department" under the notion that your kids need to learn independence. Frankly, they have their whole lives to learn that. So, let them use tools, let them go on adventures, let them do all kinds of things. But helicopter at a distance.
If you're on them for everything, you're neurotic. If you're not on them for anything, you're irresponsible. So helicopter at a distance, or, if you must, free-range at a
close
distance. Whichever version you like better. It's one thing to have your child get to 18 with bruises and bangs and another thing to have them get to 18 having been molested, abducted or sexually exploited, or pressured into using drugs.Staff2011-02-07T22:58:43ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/51.html2011-02-05T02:16:30Z2011-02-05T02:16:30Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.
- John Wilmot
2nd Earl of Rochester
1647 - 1680Staff2011-02-05T02:16:30ZInterview with Florida state representative Kelli StargelStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Interview-with-Florida-state-representative-Kelli-Stargel/52.html2011-02-03T02:01:03Z2011-02-03T02:01:03Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I had a very interesting interview with Florida state representative Kelli Stargel, who has introduced a bill requiring teachers of grades K-3 to rate PARENTS, because she believes parental involvement is key to educating children. You can
hear the interview for yourself.Staff2011-02-03T02:01:03ZForgetful Dad Puts Kids in DangerStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Forgetful-Dad-Puts-Kids-in-Danger/53.html2011-02-02T05:18:10Z2011-02-02T05:18:10Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Is Mom overreacting when Dad leaves toddler kids unsupervised even for only a few minutes?Staff2011-02-02T05:18:10ZGirls Keep Throwing Their Bodies At MeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Girls-Keep-Throwing-Their-Bodies-At-Me/54.html2011-01-27T03:28:23Z2011-01-27T03:28:23Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Here's a case of role reversal - a teen guy is unhappy with unwanted sexual advances from teen girls:Staff2011-01-27T03:28:23ZInterview with Abby Johnson, author of "Unplanned"Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Interview-with-Abby-Johnson,-author-of-Unplanned/55.html2011-01-26T04:58:45Z2011-01-26T04:58:45Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Last week, I had a fascinating conversation with Abby Johnson, a former director of a Planned Parenthood clinic in Texas who, not long after assisting in an actual abortion procedure for the first time, crossed over to join the Coalition for Life. Because so many of you asked for this, here's the
audio of that entire conversation
.
Abby's Book:Staff2011-01-26T04:58:45ZSurviving A Shark Attack (On Land)Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Surviving-A-Shark-Attack-On-Land/56.html2011-01-24T05:39:52Z2011-01-24T05:39:52Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Last week, I was on the "Today" show to talk about my book, my life, your life getting screwed over by people you depended on or never knew were going to shoot at you or unknown to you completely. When it comes out of left field, it's really something.
My book is called "Surviving a Shark Attack (On Land)"and it's about overcoming betrayal and dealing with revenge, and as I've said many times, I adore revenge. I just can't get any! You know, like the Rolling Stones' "I Can't Get No Satisfaction?" Well, I can't get no revenge.
Why? Because the only way to get revenge is doing something illegal, immoral, fattening, or out of your own character, which then warps your character. Damn!
Here's a little piecelet from the book, so you get to know something more about me:
"There is a rush of lust for quick vengeance when betrayed. I know because I have felt it every time I've been attacked. I'm glad I'm surrounded by cooler heads, people I admire and trust who distract me with tales of new beginnings, opportunities and challenges. It is also true that time well filled (in other words, not with obsessing) is a great salve.
In the case of a number of my betrayers, they went on to fail miserably and publicly. I know that their egos have taken a beating, but I'm not rejoicing. I simply don't care.
I'm enjoying my work to a greater degree, because I'm surrounded by more support at SiriusXM.
I have taken up at least three new hobbies, and I am planning an incredible journey - an ocean race of I don't know how many hundreds of miles (I don't want to think about it) from Los Angeles to Honolulu in a sailboat with my crew. All right, I'm nuts.
When these situations first went down, I, of course yearned for a "blood-letting." And I actually think I would have enjoyed it at the time.
Time is the smart part of life.
Time reveals character.
Time permits healing.
Time permits growth.
Time gives perspective.
Time is one of life's greatest embraces.
My entire being has been "rebooted," and while it is satisfying on some level that my betrayers ultimately failed, it gives me no surge of delight or adrenaline. I believe that it went the way it should have gone, the way most of us knew it would, but if I still cared, it would be less of me. In other words, their loss is not my gain. My gain comes from my actions, my activity, my attitude, and not from anybody else's pain."
The book is very tight (I tend to write succinctly), and is only 200 pages. I found some great quotes to put in it, and I've got my soul in it. If there was ever a book to help you dealing with hurt, this is it. I come at you quite personally with it.
Getting to the point of not caring is the epiphany that you have to come to, and it is the epitome of handling it when you actually don't care. I'm 64. It took a while to learn all these things.Staff2011-01-24T05:39:52ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/57.html2011-01-22T00:05:07Z2011-01-22T00:05:07Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them as you think you should and half the amount of money.
- Esther Selsdon
British novelist and travel writerStaff2011-01-22T00:05:07ZAre Chinese Mothers Superior?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Are-Chinese-Mothers-Superior/58.html2011-01-21T00:06:10Z2011-01-21T00:06:10Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The blogosphere is all abuzz with a lot of women furious about an article in the
Wall Street Journal
titled "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior." It's an excerpt from Amy Chua's new book
"Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother,"
and basically, it's an analysis of the Asian mentality versus the Western mentality of raising children. If I had to pick one myself, I'd pick the Asian method of raising children.
Chua writes:
...A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies...and whether they could do it too.
...
...when Western parents think they're being strict, they usually don't come close to being Chinese mothers. For example, my Western friends who consider themselves strict make their children practice their instruments 30 minutes every day, an hour at most. For a Chinese mother, the first hour is the easy part. It's hours two and three that get tough.
...
Despite our squeamishness about cultural stereotypes, there are...studies out there showing marked and quantifiable differences between Chinese and Westerners when it comes to parenting. In one study...almost 70% of the Western mothers said either that 'stressing academic success is not good for children,' or 'parents need to foster the idea that learning is fun.' By contrast, roughly ZERO per cent of the Chinese mothers felt the same way.....Other studies indicate that compared to Western parents, Chinese parents spend approximately 10 times as long every day drilling academic activities with their children. By contrast, Western kids are more likely to just go play some sports.
I've been complaining for three decades about Western parents and just the things Amy Chua talks about. One of the main differences I have seen between Asian families and Western families is that Asian families will put in the time. They will not go blame the teacher. They'll work with their kid until the kid "gets" it. Western families mostly blame the teacher and the school and moon spots, because (with their dual careers, divorce, remarriage, shacking up, and love lives) they don't put in the time.
I'm much more a believer in the ultimate benefits of strength and courage and tenacity in life that you find with the Asian mentality. However, when the kids become adults, they can choose their way. But when they're growing up, they need to learn how to handle choosing their way.Staff2011-01-21T00:06:10ZDelaying Early Sex Leads to Better RelationshipsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Delaying-Early-Sex-Leads-to-Better-Relationships/59.html2011-01-20T00:43:31Z2011-01-20T00:43:31Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>You young women who have hooked up a lot (you know, you've had sex because you had 15 minutes, were a little horny, wanted a release, you wanted a little excitement, etc.) - do you feel better about yourself? Does it make sex a more valued entity in your life? I've been talking about this for decades. Trivializing something so incredible is a mistake.
A recent study finds that waiting for sex is linked to better communication and stability in a relationship. So for all of you who laugh at the religiously Orthodox types who barely even touch fingers (much less kiss), what do they actually spend time doing? Actually getting to know one another! Having sex early in a relationship, the study reads, may lead to less satisfying marriages because couples can fail to develop important skills to communicate well and resolve conflicts.
The study, done at Brigham Young University, found that married couples who had delayed sex while they were dating were more likely to communicate, enjoy sex, and have more stable marriages than those who had sex early on. They were also more generally satisfied with their marriages.
Why would rushing into sex impede marital happiness? According to the study's co-author, people who quickly become intimate end up marrying even if they are incompatible, because they become entangled in a relationship that becomes difficult to end. This is especially true for women. Read my book
Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives
- I have a whole chapter on this.
According to the study, the longer sex was delayed, the longer the more participants in the study reported a better quality of sex, better communication, more relationship satisfaction, and more perceived relationship stability. Waiting until marriage to have sex had the strongest correlation with a positive outcome.
You can't conclude that pre-marital sex (assuming you were going to marry that person) necessarily leads to a bad marriage. It doesn't mean that the marriage is doomed. It just means that sex creates a sense of attachment and finality that leads people not to be objective anymore. If they're hot and heavy every time they see each other, then the incompatibility and lack of a potential future just gets ignored. And spouses with a lot of sexual memories of other partners may find the bar for satisfaction very high.
In contrast, people with fewer sexual memories don't expect a virtual circus of activity. Basically, they're as good at sex as they
believe
themselves to be. It becomes very complicated to leave a relationship when sex
leads
the relationship. Objectivity is lost, people shack up and make babies out of wedlock, and all these things just start falling over each other until you realize you're stuck. And then you call me and say "what should I do?" I just have to shrug my shoulders.Staff2011-01-20T00:43:31ZMy Modest Girls Are Getting TeasedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/My-Modest-Girls-Are-Getting-Teased/60.html2011-01-19T01:56:09Z2011-01-19T01:56:09Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Mean girls are showing up in schools at younger and younger ages:Staff2011-01-19T01:56:09ZRemembering Dr. Martin Luther KingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Remembering-Dr.-Martin-Luther-King/61.html2011-01-18T03:51:50Z2011-01-18T03:51:50Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Yesterday was my birthday.
Saturday, January 15 was Dr. Martin Luther King's birthday, which we now celebrate today as a federal holiday. I'd like to honor Dr. King and share with you some of his more personal observations and advice on how to have a better life.
From September, 1957 to December, 1958, Dr. Martin Luther King wrote a monthly column for
Ebony Magazine
entitled "Advice for Living." Readers would ask questions and Dr. King would respond. Today, I'd like to share with you some of his advice.
First, Dr. King on pre-marital sex:
Question: I was raised in a Christian environment. My father placed great stress on premarital virginity. I am 29. Of late, I have begun to doubt the validity of his teaching...Is he right?
MLK:
I think you should hold firm to the principle of premarital virginity. The problems created by premarital sex relationships are far greater than the problems created by premarital virginity. The suspicion, fears, and guilt feelings generated by premarital sex relations are contributing factors to the present breakdown of the family. Real men still respect purity and virginity with women. If a man breaks a relationship with you because you would not allow
him
to participate in the sexual act, you can be assured that he did not love you from the beginning.
Dr. King on parenting:
Question: Young parents nowadays cater to every whim and wish of their children. I was in a home the other day where a 3 year old child read the riot act to his mother. The mother took it with a sheepish smile. This, I am told, is permissiveness. It seems to me that what modern children need is a large dose of parental permissiveness applied to their backsides. Do you agree?
MLK:
It is quite true that many modern parents go too far in allowing their children to express themselves with hardly a modicum of discipline. Many parents justify this by arguing that the children must have freedom. But freedom can very easily run wild if not tempered with discipline and responsibility. This almost "lunatic fringe" of modern child care has been responsible for most strange and fantastic methods of child rearing in many American homes. The child is permitted to almost terrorize the home for fear of having its individuality repressed. Somewhere along the way every child must be trained into the obligations of cooperative living. He must be made aware that he is a member of a group and that group life implies duties and restraints. Social life is possible only if there exists a balance between liberty and discipline. The child must realize that there are rules of the game which he did not make and that he cannot break with impunity. In order to get all of these things over to the child, it is often necessary to subject the child to disciplinary measures.
Dr. King on romantic love:
Question: I am in love with a young woman who is obviously unsuitable for me. On the other hand, I know another girl who wants to marry. I think the latter girl would be perfect for me, but I don't love her. We have the same background, the same tastes and we enjoy the same things. Should I marry her? Isn't romantic love, which is at best transitory, a slippery thing to bet your future on?
MLK:
I would not say that romantic love is merely transitory. Romantic love, at its best, is an enduring love which grows with the years. I do agree, however, that it is quite risky to base a marriage purely on so-called romantic love without taking other basic factors into account. For it may be possible that what we feel as real romantic love is at bottom a passing fantasy or a temporary infatuation with no real substance. Many marriages have broken up for this very reason. Persons marry on the basis of a temporary emotional feeling, and when the slightest conflict arises, the marriage breaks up because it is not planted on a solid foundation. I think it would be far better for you to at least pursue the relationship with the young lady who has the same background and similar interests as you have. If you continue to associate with her, it is altogether probable that you will grow to love her. At least with a similar background and similar interests, you have something basic and solid to build on. In the case of the first young lady that you mentioned, you may simply have a feeling that may pass away with the wind.
Dr. King on staying married despite extra-marital affairs:
Question: My husband is having an affair with a woman in our housing project. He promised to stop, but he is still seeing her. We have children and I don't believe in divorce, but I cannot and will not share him. What must I do?
MLK:
Your unwillingness to share your husband is perfectly natural and normal. No person wants to share his or her mate with another. But your problem is a very delicate one, and needs to be handled with wisdom and patience. First I would suggest that you attempt to get your husband to go with you to talk with your clergyman or a marriage counselor. I am sure that they could be helpful in solving your problem. In the meantime, since the other person is so near you might study her and see what she does for your husband that you might not be doing. Do you spend too much time with the children and the house and not pay attention to him? Are you careful with your grooming? Do you nag? Do you make him feel important...like somebody? This process of introspection might help you to hit upon the things that are responsible for your husband's other affair. Certainly, I would not suggest a divorce at this point. I strongly would urge you to exhaust every possible resource in your power and seek to rectify the situation before making any drastic changes.
Dr. King on interracial marriage:
Question: I'm in love with a white man whom I've known for two years. We met at the company where we work. I want to marry him, although both of our parents object. I know that he loves me, too. Should we go ahead and get married anyway?
MLK:
The decision as to whether you should marry a white man whom you have known for two years is a decision that you and your friend must make together. Properly speaking, races do not marry, individuals marry. There is nothing morally wrong with an interracial marriage. There are many other things, however, that must be taken under consideration in any interracial marriage. The traditions of our society have been so set and crystallized that many social obstacles stand in the way of persons involved in an interracial marriage. If persons entering such a marriage are thoroughly aware of these obstacles and feel that they have the power and stability to stand up amid them, then there is no reason why these persons should not be married. Studies reveal that interracial couples who have come together with a thorough understanding of conditions that exist, have married and lived together very happily.
Dr. Alveda King, Dr. Martin Luther King's niece, a civil rights advocate not only for minorities, but also for the rights of the unborn, has said that her uncle was a social conservative who believed in family, personal responsibility, marriage and sexual abstinence for the young.
Martin Luther King's lifelong support for Planned Parenthood has always bothered me and always will, but I would like to celebrate the man who encouraged so many of us to dream of a better world.Staff2011-01-18T03:51:50ZHey Date - Ya Got Any Health Issues?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Hey-Date---Ya-Got-Any-Health-Issues/62.html2011-01-11T23:56:57Z2011-01-11T23:56:57Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Here's a tricky question from a listener - at what point after starting to date do you discuss health issues?
Staff2011-01-11T23:56:57ZHolding Men in High EsteemStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Holding-Men-in-High-Esteem/63.html2011-01-06T05:40:50Z2011-01-06T05:40:50Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Dr. Laura explains the difference between a "male" and a real man:
Staff2011-01-06T05:40:50ZWith Gratitude for You, My ListenersStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/With-Gratitude-for-You,-My-Listeners/64.html2011-01-01T07:54:01Z2011-01-01T07:54:01Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A new year is often a time of reflection and looking back as well as planning for the coming year. Since I'm making a major change by moving to SiriusXM satellite radio, I wanted to look back on my 30+ years of being on the air, and especially to thank you for all you've given me during that time:
Watch:
With Gratitude for You, My ListenersStaff2011-01-01T07:54:01ZI Made the AP List for 2010 News EventsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/I-Made-the-AP-List-for-2010-News-Events/65.html2011-01-01T04:35:38Z2011-01-01T04:35:38Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The Associated Press just recently released its "Chronology of News Events in 2010." It includes such momentous occasions as the Obama administration filing a lawsuit in Phoenix to block Arizona's toughest-in-the-nation immigration law (leaving out that it is an
anti-illegal
immigration law), actress Lindsay Lohan beginning a 14 day jail sentence (reduced from 90 days due to overcrowding) for violating probation in a 2007 drug case, Wikileaks posting 90,000 leaked U.S. military records from the war in Afghanistan, and.....
August 10
Talk radio host Laura Schlessinger uses N-word 11 times on-air while discussing interracial marriage, later apologizing.
What the AP does not mention:
That I used the word to discuss its meaning and appropriateness in our society.
That I questioned why our society allows blacks to call each other that name but does not allow whites to discuss the issues raised by that word.
That I realized immediately the mere use of the word offended many of my listeners.
That I "self-policed" myself, pulled myself off the air, and apologized the very next morning.
That it wasn't until 48 hours later that the liberal so-called news media at CNN teamed up with Media Matters, the Urban League and the NAACP to demand that I be silenced and taken off the air.
That I NEVER called ANYONE that word. Instead, I was pointing out how that word is used ubiquitously in the black culture and community.
I am not a victim. We choose to be victims, and I do not choose that label for me. This event in my life - which I am responsible for - has led me to realize how precious free speech is in our country, and that there are forces gathering to restrict that fundamental First Amendment right.
In the few months since August 10, we've seen Rick Sanchez fired by CNN for expressing his opinion about Jon Stewart. We've seen NPR fire Juan Williams for expressing his opinion on Muslims and airport security. We've heard Al Sharpton (who called for me to be silenced from radio) call for the censorship of Rush Limbaugh and other talk show hosts who whom he disagrees.
We've heard a U.S. Senator - Jay Rockefeller - on the floor of the U.S. Senate ask that the FCC shut down Fox News. We've heard an FCC commissioner - one of 5 men who decide what can air on our radio and television stations - call for the monitoring and regulation of news. All of this to support an alleged right that is
NOT
in the Constitution -
the right not to be offended
.
So, I am committing myself to supporting free speech in any way I can, beginning with moving my program to a venue which reveres free speech. Check my website at
www.drlaura.com
to learn more about my move. I will use my new format to continue to help people be and do better in their lives as well as provide a forum of open discussion on such controversial topics as racism, abortion, religion, the destructive influence of feminism, and on and on.
I am energized by all that has happened to me, not only recently but over the three decades of my career.
In January, my new book
Surviving a Shark Attack (On Land)
, deals with betrayals and revenge. I have some surprising things to say and to reveal. Staff2011-01-01T04:35:38ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/66.html2011-01-01T04:24:55Z2011-01-01T04:24:55Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>It is good to be children sometimes, and never better than at Christmas when its mighty Founder was a child Himself
.
- Charles Dickens
1812-1870Staff2011-01-01T04:24:55ZMake the Holidays MeaningfulStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Make-the-Holidays-Meaningful/-582653012775280997.html2010-12-20T08:00:00Z2010-12-20T08:00:00Z<p>Before and after the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, I get calls from folks who are agonizing over whether or not to invite someone who has been terrible to them and/or others - whether it's a friend, parent, or child. Generally, the explanations about the problems with that friend, parent or child are horrendous! Ferocious drug abuse, violence, severe betrayals....they call because they want the "pretty picture" for the holidays regardless of the dramatically ugly issues that would have to be ignored.</p>
<p>I tell them all - each and every one - to make the holidays meaningful and not fantasy recreations. I tell them to go to orphanages or senior citizen homes, children's hospitals, cancer wards, and make someone smile, instead of agonizing over fantasies unmet that frankly, <strong>should</strong> stay unmet.</p>
<p>Here's an example of what I mean: Kansas City, Missouri has a Secret Santa, Part 2. Secret Santa Part 1, Larry Stewart, gave away more than $1 million to strangers each December, mostly in $100 bills. He died in 2007 at the age of 58, and another (still anonymous) Secret Santa has taken up the reins.</p>
<p>The new Secret Santa walks about with an elf - another tall man in a red cap - who asks people questions, and then provides them with the gift. The recipients? A police officer with terminal cancer, a homeless man pushing a rickety old shopping cart, an 81 year old woman who had recently told her 27 grandchildren that she wouldn't be able to afford Christmas gifts, a 32 year old mother of two who lost her job because of the recession, and a woman whose husband and children died, and who has been having a tough time paying for the funerals.</p>
<p>Charitable donations have dropped off drastically, because people are watching every penny due to the sorry economic situation of the nation with 10% unemployment and taxes, taxes, taxes. When Secret Santa was asked about continuing his gifts during these tough economic times, he said <em>"The recession, unemployment....this is the time you don't want to stop. You don't want to back off."</em></p>
<p>Giving to the needy and less fortunate is always in season, especially when it is more difficult to do. That is what gives it meaning.</p>
<p>So, fuhgeddabout your disappointment that your family isn't all sweet and adorable. Kindness in giving creates love.</p>Staff2010-12-20T08:00:00ZNo Ifs, Ands, or ButtsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/No-Ifs,-Ands,-or-Butts/67.html2010-12-15T08:25:55Z2010-12-15T08:25:55Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The city of Opa-locka, Florida voted unanimously to fine people $250 if they don't pull their pants up. Opa-locka city leaders decided to expand the current ban on saggy pants to include the fine
or
ten hours of community service to those who refuse to keep their pants up. The City Commissioner, Timothy Holmes, led the charge against the "sagging" crowd, saying that the low-pants practice intimidates the public, provides a distraction in schools, and is a blight on the community.
"Dress like somebody. Be somebody,"
Holmes is quoted as saying.
"It's time for us now to try to teach our people how to dress."
The ACLU, of course, got into this:
"Policymakers acting as fashion police is a ridiculous waste of public resources. Laws like this disproportionately penalize African-American youth and law enforcement and will impose overly harsh penalties for victimless behavior."
The Commissioner fired back with:
"That might get some crime off the street."
Ohhhhhh. This sounds on the surface like racial profiling/racism/discrimination, right? And who has the right to dictate proper decorum in the streets and self-respectful behavior??
Well, I'll tell you who: Myra Taylor, the Mayor of Opa-locka, is black. The Vice Mayor, Dorothy Johnson, is black. The three commissioners, Rose Tydus, Timothy Holmes, and Gail Miller, are all black. Poor Timothy is the token male!
According to US Census information, the total population of Opa-locka is just short of 15,000: 22.8% are white; 69.6% are black.
They have great posters up around the town, showing male youths from [ahem] behind, with baggy pants and the words: "No ifs, ands, or butts."
Huzzahs to Opa-locka for making the effort to elevate their youth from within.Staff2010-12-15T08:25:55ZTension With the NeighborsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Tension-With-the-Neighbors/68.html2010-12-15T02:30:07Z2010-12-15T02:30:07Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>What do you do when you have neighbors who don't respond to your efforts to be "neighborly?"
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eS0x_l-zkU" target="_blank">
</a>Staff2010-12-15T02:30:07ZI've Had It With Berkeley, CaliforniaStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Ive-Had-It-With-Berkeley,-California/69.html2010-12-14T05:34:01Z2010-12-14T05:34:01Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I have had it with Berkeley, California, that anti-American bastion of disloyalty to the values and existence of the United States of America.
In February, 2008, the Berkeley City Council approved a measure calling for Marine recruiters to leave Berkeley, because they "are not welcome in our city." If recruiters chose to stay, they would do so as "uninvited and unwelcome intruders."
The Council also applauded any residents or organizations that "volunteer to impede, passively or actively, by non-violent means, the work of any military recruiting office located in the City of Berkeley." And a handful of folks did just that - some held up signs which said "No Military Predators in Our Town," or "Join the Marines. Travel to Exotic Lands. Meet Exciting and Unusual People - and Kill Them."
Closing down military recruiting stations actually disallows freedom - the freedom of choice of young men and women to volunteer for military service if they're so inclined - without having to go out of town to do it.
And now it comes to the point where I've had it, and I am calling for Berkeley, to secede from California and the United States and go form their own pathetic country:
The Berkeley City Council is entertaining a resolution to declare than an Army private accused of leaking some classified information to Wikileaks is....(brace yourselves)...a HERO. City "Peace and Justice" Commissioner Bob Meola, who authored the resolution told the San Francisco Chronicle that PFC Bradley Manning, 22, is a patriot who deserves (brace yourselves again) a MEDAL!
Manning is accused of leaking hundreds of thousands of secret cables to Wikileaks. He compromised American interests across the globe, and put the very lives of Afghan allies at risk of torture and death by the Taliban and comprised America's relationships with its allies around the world.
My research into Manning suggested a kind of unhappy misfit with a huge ego about being smarter than his superiors. I don't believe for a moment that his motives were benevolent to any cause but his own self-aggrandizement. But that just my opinion.
Nonetheless, what he did is
treasonous
.
From my perspective, Berkeley has a long history of anti-American sentiments and acts such as attempting to keep its own citizens from having access to volunteer for military service, providing a refuge for illegal immigrants, and ignoring the sovereignty of this nation. It has been a sanctuary for military who are AWOL, and a haven for potheads.
I believe in freedom of speech - not freedom to break laws which put Americans and others at risk for their lives. To call for a medal for a private who betrayed everything he committed to is beyond disgusting.
My contempt for the city of Berkeley knows no bounds. My feet won't touch their soil again. Besides, I'm certain that if I publicly made it known that I was planning a trip to Berkeley, they would be sure to put together a quick resolution to ban relatively short, sorta blonde, outspoken, conservative mothers of military sons.Staff2010-12-14T05:34:01ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/70.html2010-12-11T23:00:25Z2010-12-11T23:00:25Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>True religion is the life we lead, not the creed we profess
- Louis Nizer
Noted trial lawyer and author
1902 - 1994Staff2010-12-11T23:00:25ZBaptists Need to DO Something About the Phelps FamilyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Baptists-Need-to-DO-Something-About-the-Phelps-Family/71.html2010-12-10T01:10:47Z2010-12-10T01:10:47Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I'm certain you've heard of the vile, blasphemous, ferociously mean, insensitive, disgusting and downright evil actions of the members of the Phelps family of Topeka's Westboro Baptist church - a group of trash who give Christianity a seriously bad name. This group travels all over the country, protesting at military funerals, and saying that "the deaths of soldiers are God's way of punishing the country for homosexuality." Motorcycle groups like the Patriot Riders travel to these funerals as well, to rev between these slime (who call themselves religious) and the suffering family and friends gathering for the funeral of an American hero, a son, a brother, a husband, or a friend.
I want to know whether there is any organization of Baptist churches which "pulls the member's card" (if there is such a thing as Baptist excommunication). If there isn't one, there ought to be. Where are the Baptist churches which send out their own members to stand between this evil group and the innocent?
Phil Roberts, President of the Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Kansas City, Missouri has said:
"The Southern Baptist Convention has repeatedly stated its position on homosexuality. The 2000 Baptist faith and message said Christians should oppose all forms of sexual immorality including adultery, homosexuality and pornography. However, since 1980, various SBC annual meetings have passed ten resolutions related to homosexuality including one in 1985 testifying of God's love for homosexuals. It reads: 'We affirm the Biblical injunction which declares homosexuals, like all sinners, can receive forgiveness and victory through personal faith in Jesus Christ.'
The difference between Fred Phelps and the Southern Baptists is vast. Phelps has a heretical position because, indeed, we are commanded to go and make disciples of all people. That means all religions, ethnicities, and moral categories, realizing that all of us have sinned and come short of the glory of God. Homosexuals need Jesus Christ just as everyone else does. The sin of homosexuality is a forgiveable sin.....
....Phelps apparently is quite willing to do God's work for God in terms of condemning them all to hell without mentioning that redemption awaits everyone who comes to faith in Christ....
...[This] man is not representative of the Christian community.
I have a huge problem with this. Roberts is arguing about whether or not homosexuality is a sin; whether it's forgiveable. This is
so
not the point!
Whatever your philosophical or spiritual religious notions are about homosexuality, these people supposedly representing the Baptist Church are going from funeral to funeral, disrupting the mourning, the pain, the lives, and the ceremonies to cherish a lost warrior in the name of their religion. It is blasphemous to speak for God or do something evil in God's name (and that's from a little Jewish girl).
The Phelps family has been emotionally and psychologically terrorizing military families in mourning for years using the banner of free speech. I love free speech (as you know if you listen to my program), but since you can't yell "fire" in a movie theatre when there isn't one, I propose we have laws that prohibit protests at funerals within a five mile radius. The pieces of crap called the Phelps family would then be out of shouting distance, but still have their freedom of speech!
What triggered my writing about this is that one man, Ryan Newell had enough and apparently decided to do something about it since no one else would. Mr. Newell is a decorated military veteran who lost both legs in an explosion in Afghanistan. He received many medals for his service, including the Bronze Star and the Purple Heart. He is being charged with five misdemeanors, including stalking and three counts of criminal use of a firearm, as well as impersonating a law enforcement officer after he was found following a van that carried the Westboro church members. The Westboro creeps say they feared for their lives.
What?? They can dish it out but can't take it? A number of lawyers have volunteered to defend Mr. Newell pro bono. Good for them.
But I'm asking for more than lip service from the Baptist churches around the country. This sort of reminds me of CAIR, the Council of American-Islamic Relations. They go ballistic and start bullying and threatening any time someone speaks their mind about Islam. I don't, however, see them muscling the bad guys in their midst. I don't hear about it. I don't hear them digging out cells or undermining attempts to blow us up. I don't hear about that. What I hear from CAIR is lip service - defensive, hostile, bullying lip service - and I want to hear MORE from the
Baptist
churches than the proclamation that
"folks need to realize that this man is not representative of the Christian community."
Why not put your body where your mouth is? If he's blaspheming God in your name for years and years and years, I really have the expectation that you'd clean up your own house.
I'm pretty exasperated with these people being allowed to do what they do. It's America - I know, they're allowed to protest. I get that, but where are the Baptist churches sending people in buses, trains, cars and planes every time the Phelps family announces that they are going to be somewhere? I would expect Baptists to stand up against blasphemy and to stand up for the families of our fallen American heroes. Lip service is bull. Talk is cheap.
Do
something about it. Do something legal, do something moral, but
do something
.Staff2010-12-10T01:10:47ZMy Kid's Friend Stole From UsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/My-Kids-Friend-Stole-From-Us/72.html2010-12-08T23:08:46Z2010-12-08T23:08:46Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>You'd like to think that, as a parent, you know a lot about the friends your children have. In this particular instance, unfortunately, that was not the case:
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdmWkiVLZ4g" target="_blank">
</a>Staff2010-12-08T23:08:46ZDo Away With "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Do-Away-With-Dont-Ask,-Dont-Tell/73.html2010-12-06T23:44:01Z2010-12-06T23:44:01Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Volunteering for the military means a number of important things:
It's a noble act of patriotism
It means accepting authority over every aspect of your life
It's a seriously dangerous job
It's not exactly a high-paying job
You get benefits during and after service
You have a community of support
It involves structure and discipline
It's a heroic endeavor
It is an honorable, self-sacrificing career
It is worthy of great respect
So, when someone wishes to
volunteer
for relatively low pay and high danger to protect you and me, I say "THANK YOU" and "huzzah!"
This business of being concerned over whether or not a person is gay is utterly ridiculous, in my opinion. Homosexuals have served in the military since we had our ragtag guys in the forest dealing with Indians and British. Straight men and women have fought next to gays eaten in the chow hall next to gays, PT'd next to gays, bunked next to gays, and even died next to gays, whether they knew it or not.
Neither color nor sexual orientation should bar anyone from fighting for their country, nor should it eliminate them from being part of the band of brothers.
Being homosexual does not mean that every man is a turn-on; even straight men in the showers compare..."notes." The rules against fraternization are there for everyone - men and women - whether they are straight or not.
Under "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," the military no longer asks a person's sexual orientation upon enlistment (it used to be a question on enlistment forms). The military no longer investigates claims that a person is homosexual. They can, and do, investigate allegations of homosexual
conduct
, which is still grounds for an honorable discharge. "Conduct" includes not only sex acts while on active duty, but also includes telling others you are homosexual (the "don't tell" part of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell").
A long-awaited report from the Pentagon on this issue was released last week, and the conclusion was
"repealing the policy would have some limited and isolated disruption to unit cohesion and retention, but the effects would not be long-lasting or widespread."
That was probably the same result when blacks and Hispanics were integrated into the military ranks also, and that has evolved positively. It will take some time. Meanwhile, we will be expanding our ranks of the brave and resolved to fight for our country.
Of course, it isn't all
that
simple. There are issues of benefits for domestic partnerships, and whether they will be recognized as married men and women. I assume that will eventually be worked out.
My main point is, in spite of the White House's absence of an Executive Order to immediately allow gays to serve openly in the military, it is time to recognize the desires of all people competent to serve in our military, and afford them the opportunity to contribute to this noble, sometimes thankless, necessary profession.Staff2010-12-06T23:44:01ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/74.html2010-12-03T06:39:49Z2010-12-03T06:39:49Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>We can never be sure that the opinion we are endeavoring to stifle is a false opinion; and if we were sure, stifling it would be an evil still.
- John Stuart Mill
On Liberty, 1859Staff2010-12-03T06:39:49ZI Will Not Be SilencedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/I-Will-Not-Be-Silenced/75.html2010-12-01T22:56:58Z2010-12-01T22:56:58Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Something very scary is starting in this country - in the land of the free that you and I all love - so you need to pay attention.
Four months ago, I said I was ending my terrestrial radio show at the end of the year because I wanted to regain my First Amendment rights. A lot of intellectuals snickered and said I didn't know what I was talking about - only the
government
can take away First Amendment rights. I was only being threatened by
non
-government organizations like Media Matters.
Well, where do you think fascism and censorship start?
They start when one person or one group of people demands another person or another group of people be silenced.
On Monday, I did a lot of interviews. In every interview, I talked about how free speech on radio is in jeopardy, in danger of being regulated - censored - by people who are offended -
personally and politically
offended - by opinions with which they do not agree. Rather than debate the issues, certain people in this country are suggesting the opinions which offend them should simply be silenced.
You've heard how CNN fired Rick Sanchez because he voiced his opinion about Jon Stewart being a bigot.
You've heard how NPR fired Juan Williams because he voiced his personal opinion about Muslims and 9/11.
And you say, "Well, that's still not the
government
censoring opinion." Well, listen up, because that's only the beginning.
On November 17, on the floor of the United States Senate, Senator Jay Rockefeller (D-WV) proposed that the FCC pull the plug on Fox News and MSNBC. He said:
"There's a little bug inside of me which wants to get the FCC to say to Fox and to MSNBC, 'Out. Off. End. Goodbye.' It would be a big favor to political discourse; to our ability to do our work here in Congress, and to the American people...."
That's what a United States Senator said. Censorship:
a big FAVOR to the American people
.
Two days after Senator Rockefeller dropped that bomb, Al Sharpton joined the fight for censorship. Al Sharpton, on his radio show (where he has the right to free speech), said
"the FCC needs to give guidelines of what is permittable or permitted"
to say on radio, and the FCC should
"set standards"
to make sure
"groups of Americans"
cannot be offended.
And on Monday, on MSNBC (which, if Senator Rockefeller had his way would NOT exist - I simply exercise my American right not to watch it), Al Sharpton on "The Ed Show" [with Ed Schultz] talked about...ME...and how terrible it was I should still be on the air, and that it was unfortunate I was going to satellite radio where I can't be REGULATED.
Then, Al Sharpton said this about Rush Limbaugh:
"I'm in Washington tomorrow....we're going to the FCC. We're not going to let this go. He [Rush Limbaugh] is not on uncensored satellite. He's on regulated radio."
That's a threat!
Do not kid yourselves. My mother grew up in Fascist Italy and taught me all about it. This is scary. Satellite is uncensored. Radio is regulated and, according to Al Sharpton, regulated means the FCC can censor someone because their opinions are offensive.
I've offended people throughout my career. When I said:
Abortion that is not for the purpose of saving the life of the mother is killing a baby, some people were offended.
Interracial adoption (indeed,
any
adoption) is a blessing, some people were offended.
Interracial dating and marriage is fine, some people were offended.
Parents should not excommunicate their gay offspring, some people were offended.
Children are best served by a married mommy and daddy, some people were offended.
Women who "shack up" out of wedlock are "unpaid whores," some people were offended.
Activist groups are largely tyrannical, destructive groups who cause people to be angry and to isolate themselves, some people were offended.
The feminist movement (especially the National Organization of "I Don't Know What Kind of" Women) betrayed women's nature, some people were offended.
Unmarried women should not "make babies," intentionally robbing them of a daddy, some people were offended.
Getting drunk, going off with some guy, getting naked and getting it on is not date rape, some people were offended.
Wearing low-cut, tight, revealing sexy clothes and flaunting your sexuality to men, who respond approvingly is not harassment, some people were offended.
Feminist women who treat their husbands poorly and then complain when husbands stray or leave when it is largely their own doing, some people were offended.
Focus "studies" courses in colleges and universities are breeding grounds for intolerance, anger, and hate, some people were offended.
Children who are out of control due to medical and/or psychological conditions, age, or poor parenting should not be present at wedding ceremonies, some people were offended.
Apparently, I just can't help but offend people!
But these are my
opinions
. And this is
America
. And we should all have the right to express our opinions or else this will cease being America as it was envisioned and created.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.Staff2010-12-01T22:56:58ZGirlfriends Compete Over Wedding DaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Girlfriends-Compete-Over-Wedding-Days/76.html2010-11-30T23:29:13Z2010-11-30T23:29:13Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I had a caller on the air recently who flabbergasted me, and that doesn't happen often. After being on the air more than 30 years, I've heard lots and lots that has touched me or stunned me. This one was a "stunner."
The young woman caller told me that she has a friend she's had since childhood. They've gone through school together and they've been very competitive over the years. Hmmm.
Well, my caller told me she was engaged and planning a wedding, and her friend is also engaged and planning a wedding....and the friend's wedding is happening sooner than hers.
"SHE STOLE MY THUNDER," my caller said.
What? The triviality with which this young woman saw "friendship" and "marital vows" was astounding. I gasped and said that her friend's wedding - nor any other event in the world - could steal any thunder, as it was not about thunder. It was about lifelong vows in front of God, family and community to love, honor, and cherish 'til death do you part.
She hung up on me.
I don't blame her. I was hoping she was ferociously ashamed of using a man who loved her with vows of love, loyalty and fidelity as a "win" over a girlfriend. Yeesh!
My heart goes out to this guy, who will probably have to get her pregnant before her friend and get the new car and house before her friend does. He won't be measured by his character and warmth -- he'll be measured by how much and how fast he gets her to trump her "friend."
I was praying he or someone from his family heard this call and warned him off this marriage.
If you know him....please give him my condolences.Staff2010-11-30T23:29:13ZMy Plans for 2011Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/My-Plans-for-2011/77.html2010-11-29T23:30:08Z2010-11-29T23:30:08Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Today, I announced what I'll be doing as of January, 2011. I hope you'll follow me:
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XziCVCNHtqo" target="_blank">
</a>
Get a
30 Day Free Online Trial
Staff2010-11-29T23:30:08ZHow To Be HappyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-To-Be-Happy/78.html2010-11-25T00:08:21Z2010-11-25T00:08:21Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>People seem very confused about happiness. Most folks believe that
having
all they want is the way to be happy. I don't think so.
When I was on the radio evenings in Los Angeles over two decades ago, I reached a "24 share." That meant one out of four people listening to Los Angeles radio was tuned into me. I got a substantial bonus. We took that money and paid off all financial obligations and had some left over.
I had always wanted a tennis bracelet - that's a bracelet made of tiny or huge diamonds. I had enough money for a bracelet with tiny diamonds, but a tennis bracelet nonetheless. My husband told me to treat myself, and I did. I felt a swell of joy every time I looked at that bracelet.
I did not feel joy because I had a diamond bracelet on my wrist. I thought that would be the case, but it wasn't. I felt joy because I had "busted my buns," worked very hard, and built something special. So, the happiness in looking at the bracelet was not because of the metal and carbon; it was because it symbolized the hard work doing what I loved to do.
It is the
experiencing
and
working
that brings happiness.
Years later, I became more successful, and "upgraded" the tennis bracelet. I liked the new bauble, but it never brought me anywhere near the thrill of that first one.
What comes easily does not have the emotional significance of hard work, sacrifice, and risk.
Once, when my son was small, and we were visiting Las Vegas, he wanted to put money in those machines at each dining room table and place a bet in the hopes of winning lots of money. I wouldn't let him do it. I told him that money wouldn't mean as much as money hard earned. He (at seven years of age) didn't quite "get" that. It seemed to him as a child that "found" booty is booty nonetheless. He's now finishing up his military service and has learned up front and personal about hard work, sacrifice and risk, and he's enjoyed every moment he's earned.
So, don't wish for "clearinghouse" checks or for winning the lottery. Wish for the opportunity to do something meaningful, something you love, something with hard work, sacrifice and risk. Believe me, you'll be happier.Staff2010-11-25T00:08:21ZDating Rules: Nothing Has Ever ChangedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dating-Rules:--Nothing-Has-Ever-Changed/79.html2010-11-24T01:50:24Z2010-11-24T01:50:24Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>There are lots of mixed messages being sent about how to behave in a dating relationship, and one confused young woman asked me for clarity:
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTtYiyzwN-k" target="_blank">
</a>Staff2010-11-24T01:50:24ZMiddle School Boy Deemed "Intolerant"Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Middle-School-Boy-Deemed-Intolerant/80.html2010-11-22T22:13:36Z2010-11-22T22:13:36Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I am very big on the concept of tolerance. I tell folks every day on my radio program to "tolerate" the eccentricities of others as they tolerate yours. However, I fear that in the private and public sectors, tolerance is being spelled "C-O-W-A-R-D-I-C-E."
There isn't a day that goes by you don't hear from someone that making a generalization about world terrorism and Islam is a display of intolerance, in spite of the fact that Islamic world terrorism is a fact. You are brow-beaten down from facing reality because, when you do, an organization like CAIR (Council on American-Islamic Relations) comes after you with a vengeance. People in the media have lost their jobs over stating reality, because it was deemed "intolerant."
When you don't want a monument to Islam to be built in the sight of the fall of the World Trade Center, well, you are intolerant and racist.
Our own President avoids connecting the words Islam and terrorism.
We have a woman journalist in America who is in permanent hiding because of an international fatwah (hit list) against her for suggesting that people participate in a "draw Mohammed day." I don't see the world's moderate Muslims tracking down the perpetrators of this fatwah or offering her protection.
Recently, we had a middle school boy in Sacramento, California ride to school with an American flag on his bike in order to recognize Veteran's Day. The school district forbade him to do that lest it show "intolerance." Truth was some Hispanic students threatened to harm this little boy.
What?
It turns out the principal was afraid of the violent Hispanic children and, instead of protecting this little boy, cowardly backed down and forbade the showing of the flag of the United States of America. The principal commented the Hispanic students would want to fly the Mexican flag and this would turn into violence. The school district reversed the decision when this became a national story.
Moreover, politicians have become disgustingly un-American with their commentaries on the heartlessness and bigotry of those who support legal immigration. Some politicians and pundits act like having national boundaries and sovereignty is a crime against humanity. Some politicians and pundits have the gall to call people who support legal immigration "bigots," "hate-filled," or "racists." This is utterly horrendous, and is an example of one party attempting to get power in America by catering to those who disdain our laws and sovereignty simply to gain power, power, power.
America used to stand for something, and was such a symbol France gave us the Statue of Liberty as a gift!
We are having our tolerance used against us by forces that would destroy us.Staff2010-11-22T22:13:36ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/81.html2010-11-16T01:07:44Z2010-11-16T01:07:44Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.
- Voltaire
French enlightenment writer, historian and philosopher
1694-1778Staff2010-11-16T01:07:44ZWorking from Home Worked for This FamilyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Working-from-Home-Worked-for-This-Family/82.html2010-11-16T00:54:03Z2010-11-16T00:54:03Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>We all hear and do too much complaining about our circumstances and how we MUST compromise our values and the well-being of our families in order to survive.
Truthfully? That's rarely true, if at all. But it requires a commitment to a goal and a commitment to family that will not be compromised. That means another way HAS to be found.
I've recently gotten "hot and heavy" into polymer clay work. I love it. There are so many techniques and possibilities that I am seriously enthralled. I like the look of cameos - those raised pictures on a stone surface. I've been looking around for cute little molds that would be easy to use with minimal or non-existent failure rate.
I found a website,
www.bestflexiblemolds.com
, and purchased a bunch of molds with faces, flowers, bugs, and more. I placed my order and got an email from the owner, parts of which I've excerpted below. This is a mom-and-pop business - my favorite kind of business:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you so much for your order. Our little mold business started in 1981 because I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I just had to write to tell you how tickled I am that you have ordered our products. How they came about is right up your alley.
In 1981, we were transferred to Oklahoma. In our previous home, I had been a stay-at-home mom...raising our kids and loving it.
My mother had to work from the time I was 3, as our father and mother had divorced. Times were extremely tough....Mom struggled to keep us fed and warm, but her parents and an aunt helped to raise my sister and myself. As you can tell, so many of the stories I hear on your radio show...ring true to me....From the time I became a mom, I was determined to stay home with my kids and I did.
When we moved to Oklahoma, it was a tough time for the economy. Houses were expensive, loans had double digit interest, and my husband had to take a cut in pay to keep his job. We did all we could to allow me to stay home.
In a miniature club meeting [that year], I found polymer clay and fell in love with it. Turns out, I could sculpt! Who knew?
A few months later, I signed up for a small, local craft show, to try to sell my hand-crafted miniatures to earn enough for new winter coats. To my surprise, I made $700! You could have knocked me over with a feather. The kids had warm coats and we paid some bills. It seemed that I was in business.
For the next seven years, I stayed at home with my kids while making miniatures, sculpting doll house dolls, and [creating] a signature line of tiny teddy bears called PenniBears. I taught polymer clay classes in my home, at conventions (the kids went with us), local stores, and eventually had a few dealers who sold my miniatures and PenniBears all over the country. Soon our kids were back in Christian school and I had a decent car.
[Then] my skill as a miniaturist came to the attention of [a design firm], and I was offered a position of designer/sculptor with their company. Since my husband worked nights and I would be working days, there would always be someone home with the kids when they came home from school for the next two years, when they would be grown and gone. For the next 15 years, I was a master sculptor designing giftware...home décor, and animal figurines for home and garden. Eventually, the company was sold and moved out of Oklahoma, so I started a design studio in my home.
After retiring, we decided to market our line of rubber molds. I sculpt, design the project, write the tutorials, measure the clay and make the pictures. Hubby Joe makes the molds, creates and maintains the website and ships the orders. We are having a great time, staying busy and enjoying life.
And it all started with me trying to find a way to stay home with my children. Ain't life grand?
Penni Jo CouchStaff2010-11-16T00:54:03ZWhen Someone Disappoints YouStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-Someone-Disappoints-You/83.html2010-11-16T00:43:24Z2010-11-16T00:43:24Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>People have, do, and will disappoint you.
Simple fact of life.
Ask yourself two questions: did they intend to do damage, and what are you going to do with the disappointment?
Let's look at the first question. People are deeply involved in their own lives. That doesn't mean they don't care about you or others, but they are first motivated to deal with their own situations and personal emotions. The more mature, considerate, and less self-centered will also shift gears back and forth to consider the consequences of their actions or inactions.
Personality styles, however, are consistent. Those who shun confrontation because they don't want shrapnel of any kind aimed at them will probably
never
stand up for you, watch your back, defend you or come to your aid during that particular moment of need. That's who they are. They might gossip to you later about it, tell you "tsk, tsk, tsk" this happened to you, or just ignore it completely like it never happened.
These people will disappoint you often
only
if you maintain the irrational hope that they will change some day and be there for you in a big way. As I've said many times, most hope is simply postponed disappointment.
So your disappointments mostly do not come from ill intent. They generally come from individuals whose number you now have, and this is when we get to the second question: what do you do with your disappointment?
Personally, I have told several people over the years I was disappointed I couldn't count on them to stand up for me when I thought it counted. Some of these folks loved me dearly but just didn't have it in them to become a target or focus of that kind of attention. Some people simply are weak and frightened, although they're basically decent. I put these people in a more distant circle of love and affection, but they are still there at all, because I know they care. They're just supremely limited. Others who have disappointed me have been relegated to the back of my mind, and I am just polite to them. Still others - well, they become invisible, especially if I have put myself out for them when it mattered for and to them.
The people willing to put themselves in the line of fire for your friendship or your principles are the people to embrace the closest in spite of any other quirks that might annoy you at times. People who will watch your back and/or stand in front to shield you are special people.
Special people should not be taken lightly. They should be cherished and rewarded with your affection and respect. It is not typical in the animal kingdom for critters necessarily to put themselves in harm's way to protect another. It takes a special form of human being with moral choice to do that.
Those
are our everyday heroes.Staff2010-11-16T00:43:24ZVideo War Games - Useful or Disrespectful?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video-War-Games---Useful-or-Disrespectful/84.html2010-11-16T00:26:15Z2010-11-16T00:26:15Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A lot of the most popular video games on the market are war games. Are they good or bad for teenage boys?
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CgT2QlKMnuc" target="_blank">
</a>Staff2010-11-16T00:26:15ZLessons for All Relationships from the Business WorldStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Lessons-for-All-Relationships-from-the-Business-World/85.html2010-11-15T23:18:00Z2010-11-15T23:18:00Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I found an interesting item on the Fox Small Business Center website, written by Teri Evans. She wrote an essay titled "
Leveraging Loyalty: How to Keep CustomersHooked
."
In this economic environment, and with Wal-Mart announcing free shipping for its online sales, competition for consumer dollars is getting tougher for mom-and-pop businesses. So, I decided to read Teri's ideas, and while I was doing so, I realized these concepts were wonderful for relationships of all kinds:
Rule 1: Don't Wait for Complaints Before You Step Up the Charm
Calls and handwritten notes to customers to share your appreciation for their business (without trying to up-sell them) makes people feel great about your company or service.
Heck, wouldn't your spouse, friends, kids, or neighbors just love opening their mailbox and finding a cute, sweet, warm note - handwritten by you - expressing how appreciative you are about
something
they've done?
Rule 2: Start From the Inside
Experts say you must consider the trickle-down effect your employees have on the customer experience. Happy employees treat customers better.
Well, imagine how wonderful life would be in your home and life if you struck first, giving the people you deal with the most positive vibes and strokes, and watch how kids getting good vibes and strokes then treat their siblings and friends!
Rule 3: Personalize Your Connection
Look for ways to celebrate your customers' successes that have nothing to do with you. Subscribe to customers' newsletters or set up Google alerts about them. Check out their Facebook site. Support your customers in other aspects of their lives.
Hey, how about keeping abreast of what your friends, family and neighbors are doing with births, graduations, motorcycle rides for charity, new jobs, and on and on. A call or handwritten note will go a long way to breeding peace, harmony, and appreciation.
Rule 4: Create an Inner Circle
If you're developing a new product or program, consider bringing in your most loyal customers to serve as a focus group and give their opinions. That will increase their interest and loyalty and probably give you good ideas.
Okay, so have weekly family meetings over low fat popcorn to discuss everyone's situations, concerns, complaints, and satisfactions, and let everyone's voice be heard AND always find some one thing from each person's comments to use. It makes for more family harmony when everyone feels heard and feels they have some "say."
Rule 5: Pay Attention
Stay alert to potential problems and ask for feedback; do it early and often.
Whoa! I can't tell you how often callers tell me their spouse is having an affair or a friend dumped them, and when I ask is that spouse or friend felt important to them, got attention, affection, support or else felt they were neglected, I hear "neglected." Oops - they made everything but those important folks a priority, starving them into looking elsewhere for emotional sustenance.
Every day should be "Appreciation Day" for those who matter in your life. No "I'm tired," or "I was irritated," or any other self-serving excuse.
If you want happiness in your life: plant it, water it, prune it, and love it.Staff2010-11-15T23:18:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/86.html2010-11-15T06:11:23Z2010-11-15T06:11:23Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Moral courage is the most valuable and usually the most absent characteristic in men.
- George S. Patton
Leading American general in World War II
1885 - 1945Staff2010-11-15T06:11:23ZThe Misguided Standards of YouTubeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Misguided-Standards-of-YouTube/87.html2010-11-12T04:44:40Z2010-11-12T04:44:40Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>In the election last week, Missy Reilly Smith ran for Washington DC delegate to the United States House of Representatives (she lost to Eleanor Holmes Norton). Smith ran largely as an anti-abortion candidate.
She ran 30 second ads which aired 24 times on local broadcast network affiliates across the greater Washington, DC metropolitan area, preceded by a 15 second warning (added by the station management) due to the shocking content.
What was the ad?
It was 30 seconds of still photos of aborted babies. Dead babies ripped apart and sucked out of a mother's womb aren't very pretty, but they are
real
and
should
be shocking to a civilized society. We can have daily abortions by the thousands, but we can't
look
at exactly what is happening?
If you can't look at it, perhaps you shouldn't do it.
Ms. Smith's 30 second ad was pulled from YouTube, which posted a notice that the video amounted to "a violation of YouTube's policy on shocking and disgusting content."
Ahhh. Well, you should know what, for years, YouTube has
not
found shocking and/or disgusting content.
YouTube has been the long-term home for videos featuring calls to jihad by Anwar al-Awlaki, an American-born, Yemen-based cleric, who has played an increasingly public role in inspiring violence directly at....YOU.
He has literally hundreds of videos preaching and urging Muslims everywhere to join in a worldwide holy war against...YOU. And his videos have had millions of views.
So, let's get this right. Actually
seeing
the results of an abortion are unacceptable on YouTube, but years of videos calling for the deliberate murder of Westerners is....what, free speech? Terrorist recruitment videos featuring Islamic fighters with guns and rockets is free speech?
A YouTube spokesperson said they are trying to distinguish videos that are merely offensive from those that cross the line of their rules prohibiting "dangerous or illegal activities such as bomb-making, hate speech and incitement to commit violent acts" or that come from accounts "registered by a member of a designated foreign terrorist organization" or used to promote such a group's interest. That rule seems clear enough. So why did it take years and years of international begging for YouTube to remove last week some - some - of the hundreds of videos featuring calls to jihad by a creep playing an increasingly public role in inspiring violence directed toward....YOU?
I wish I knew the answer. I wish I understood why a video of aborted babies got axed immediately, while several governments and individuals have struggled for years to get these jihad videos off YouTube. I wish I knew why there is so much tolerance for this jihadist hate and violence, and so little for the fate of aborted babies.
I wish I knew.Staff2010-11-12T04:44:40ZProblems With Two-Income MarriagesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Problems-With-Two-Income-Marriages/88.html2010-11-11T04:37:35Z2010-11-11T04:37:35Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Many of you in two-income families don't
have
to be living on two incomes - you are
choosing
to do so.
According to the New York-based Families and Work Institute, 79% of today's married couples have both people in the workforce. In 1977, that percentage was 66%.
There are problems with two-income marriages and families:
Where children are involved, it's a given that there's a certain amount of neglect, lack of bonding time, and lack of energy.
A couple's sex life often suffers because both "gave at the office" (and I don't mean sex). I mean energy.
Getting home ends up as a frenetic dash to do grocery shopping, make dinner, deal with children and pets, and very little
family
time.
No one is at home setting the atmosphere and transforming a house into a home.
A tremendous amount of income is spent on the "mechanics" of having a second job in the family, such as gasoline, food, and clothing.
Job requirements of both partners very often get in the way of relationship necessities and family togetherness.
And there's always precious little time for yourself.
I remember many years ago, when I briefly had a television program, I did a piece on a couple (both of whom were mail deliverers) who found the motivation to become a one-income family, because they wanted to plan for children. There was no "cold turkey" behavior here - they both continued to work for a year, putting her salary in the bank. They lived on one income while both were working! This served as a test, and it also gave them a chance to build up their savings.
They budgeted, and then they budgeted some more. It's amazing how much money goes out the window on things that either aren't truly necessary or are desired, but not more desired than a mom wanting to stay home with the kids.
This couple discovered how little they really needed. They made adjustments and pulled back on some things, while they kept the things that were most important to them.
Here are some ideas you can use:
Ride a bicycle to most places close to home. That gives you needed exercise that two jobs doesn't permit and it saves money on gas.
Rent from Netflix instead of spending ridiculous amounts going to local movie theaters and wasting money on sodas and popcorn.
Shop discount stores for clothes, and don't buy new wardrobes each season.
Take vacations close to home that are filled with togetherness rather than filled with expenses.
Plan meals and plan your grocery shopping so you aren't paying extra for last-minute purchases.
Don't buy sugary, fatty, unhealthy foods. That saves a LOT of money!
Sit down with your checkbook for a month and see where the money is going. You'll realize quickly where you can cut back that might even improve the quality of life in your home.
I really do believe that marriages and families do better with a division of labor, unification of purpose, priority on attitude and atmosphere, and a joint effort to make "money in/money out" be more sensible and marriage/family-friendly.Staff2010-11-11T04:37:35ZI Want My Bad Guy Back!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/I-Want-My-Bad-Guy-Back!/89.html2010-11-09T23:20:54Z2010-11-09T23:20:54Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Just when you're about to close the door on an abusive relationship, that nagging feeling he's changed can make you lose your resolve:
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zId0Jqwmac" target="_blank">
</a>Staff2010-11-09T23:20:54ZProposed Ban on Fast Food Toys in San FranciscoStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Proposed-Ban-on-Fast-Food-Toys-in-San-Francisco/90.html2010-11-09T08:01:43Z2010-11-09T08:01:43Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>To tempt or not to tempt....that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler to seduce already or ready-to-be overweight children with pop toys to get them to eat more fat and salt than a horse would tolerate OR find a way to combine good business sense and family-friendly nutrition?
Apparently, McDonald's would rather just seduce your kids - it makes good profits.
Well, that could no longer be the case in San Francisco.
Last week, the San Francisco Board of Supervisors gave preliminary approval to banning toy giveaways in Happy Meals and similar fast-food offerings aimed at kids, unless they have reduced sodium, fat, and sugar content AND include fruit and vegetables. The legislation is intended to promote healthy eating and help combat childhood (and ultimately adult) obesity, and was passed by an 8 - 3 vote, the bare minimum needed to overturn Mayor Gavin Newsome's promised veto.
McDonald's, the world's largest restaurant chain, is fighting the proposal. The Board is scheduled to take a final vote sometime this week. The proposed restrictions wouldn't go into effect until December, 2011.
Under the proposed ordinance, restaurants may give away a free toy or other incentive item ONLY if the meal contains less than 600 calories, has less than 640 milligrams of sodium, and if less than 35% of the calories are derived from fat (less than 10% from saturated fat), except for the fat contained in nuts, seeds, eggs or low-fat cheese. In addition, the meals must contain a half-cup or more of fruit and three-quarters of a cup or more of vegetables.
Parents ultimately decide what their kids eat - that is understood. But all you parents are aware of how pressured you are when your kids have been pumped up by the media to want those toys. When you try to steer them to the healthier foods, they make a fuss - "No Shrek???????"
The Federal Trade Commission (FTC) in 2006 found that fast food chains spent $360 million to purchase toys to distribute with their more than 1.2 billion children's meals sold that one year.
McDonald's has given toys as an incentive to buy the unhealthy meals. Now, San Francisco is giving McDonald's the incentive to give out toys with veggies and healthier combinations of foods.
My feeling about parents feeling pressured once they're in a fast-food place is NOT TO GO INTO FAST FOOD RESTAURANTS WITH KIDS!
Make sandwiches at home and have a picnic out on some grass with fruit juices and an apple for dessert. Ultimately, it's the parents' fault that 1.2 billion unhealthy children's meals went into the arteries of innocent children. Fast food places like McDonald's count on your weaknesses, laziness, and lack of commitment to health and fitness. That's how they make a profit! So, take responsibility!Staff2010-11-09T08:01:43ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/91.html2010-11-06T00:03:55Z2010-11-06T00:03:55Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>It gets late early out there
- Yogi Berra
American Major League Baseball player and manager
Member, National Baseball Hall of Fame
Don't forget to change your clocks BACK one hour before you go to bed on Saturday if your state is returning to Standard Time from Daylight Saving Time.Staff2010-11-06T00:03:55ZYa Gotta Have FriendsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Ya-Gotta-Have-Friends/92.html2010-11-04T08:56:45Z2010-11-04T08:56:45Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I've been giving something a lot of thought lately, and have decided to share it with you - to influence you (if you're not already) to open up to friendships.
Deborah Tannen, the linguist, recently wrote a piece published in
The New York Times
which discussed some research which indicated that people with sisters are happier than those without them. Her point of view was it isn't women who talk better than men, it's that they talk
more often
- even if it's not about problems. The very act of just communing is beneficial to both.
She pointed out that men - even men with problems - might talk to each other and end up feeling better, even when they didn't spend ten seconds talking about "the problem." Why? I believe it's because talking is a connection, an act of interest and caring, and a remedy for isolation, loneliness, and despair.
My mother was from a small town in northern Italy and grew up during the Fascist/Mussolini era. Her parents owned a restaurant and worked all the time. She did have a sister, my aunt Lucia, who was gunned down by a Nazi firing squad at the age of 20 the very first day she joined the underground movement but, other than that, she learned (sadly) to be contained in herself. That never changed. As I grew up, I never ever saw her have even one friend and she instilled in me a real sense of self-protection. She always told me I trusted too quickly, got disillusioned/betrayed/hurt and then suffered immensely. She was right. But so what? Being "hurt" is not the worst thing in the world. Being disconnected is.
I don't readily tend to talk about my personal/emotional conditions. That's now what I do when I get together with friends. I just share life with them. I have a few lovely lady friends right now - a deep quality of friendship - which is so deeply satisfying. I remember my surprise when one of them hadn't seen me for almost a week and said, "You know, I miss you." I just about fell down. Why was I so touched? Because for the most part, folks are into their own lives and don't necessarily pay much attention to subtle niceties like that with friends. At that moment, she was cemented into my heart. What a generous, sweet thing to say. I have another friend who texts me now and then just to tell me to have a great day, and another one who gives me professional massages twice a month simply because she wants me to relax.
My mother missed out on a lot. I'm glad I didn't listen to her warnings about trust and people. Yes, some have been untrustworthy and unkind, and others have outright betrayed me. But if your heart stays closed to avoid that hurt, then you won't hear from a friend those words: "Miss you...love ya." I'd rather suffer some frustrations in return for not missing out on hearing that. I hope you are also so willing.Staff2010-11-04T08:56:45ZThe Cheerleader and the Athlete Who Raped HerStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Cheerleader-and-the-Athlete-Who-Raped-Her/93.html2010-11-03T20:57:36Z2010-11-03T20:57:36Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>When I first heard this story, I had to think about it for a bit:
A one-time high school cheerleader who was sexually assaulted - raped - by
two star athletes
was kicked off her cheerleading squad for refusing to cheer for her attacker.
They were all at a party, drinking. The two star athletes took her into a room alone and locked the door; they fondled and then raped her. When she screamed louder and louder, other kids finally pounded on the door and when they got it open, discovered the high school cheerleader naked from the waist down on a pool table, and the boys escaping through an open window.
The third attempt at an indictment was the charm, but this case was pleaded down to misdemeanor assault, sentencing the rapist to a one year
suspended
sentence, community service, two years probation, and a $2500 fine. After the sentencing, the young male rapist was quoted as saying:
"I have no hard feelings towards the girl. It was a misunderstanding."
If I had been the judge, after hearing this obnoxious and self-serving statement, he would have seen hard jail time. But....he is a star athlete and, as we know, they have special rules.
The other kids at that party who came through the door to find a sobbing, ravaged, half-naked cheerleader, one of their friends, knew what had gone down. Nonetheless, when the first indictment attempt failed, he came back to school to play in important basketball games. Cheerleaders cheer each player as they come on the floor. When he came out, she stepped back and crossed her arms. The principal allegedly took her into a hall and read her out. The principal, assistant principal, cheerleading team official and superintendent gave her an ultimatum: cheer for him or go home. She was kicked off the squad days later and banned for the duration of her high school career.
Now, that's the story. Legally, he hadn't been indicted yet (that did eventually happen), but
everyone knew that she had been sexually assaulted.
They knew he was guilty, because they were there to see the aftermath.
She and her family are in court, losing a lot, trying to make a statement for her First Amendment rights of free speech by her silence. I don't know how all that will eventually pan out. If she couldn't do the job she was selected for (i.e., cheer the team and its members), perhaps she should have stayed home. After all, that was her responsibility - to present her school's team with support.
However, I will tell you what
shouldn't
have happened. The entire cheering squad and every student in their school should have been silent when he came out on the floor. Everyone should have shunned him. Everyone should have made a statement that he gets no free pass to rape because he is a big-time basketball player.
This
is where the lesson starts.
Do you hear that, NBA?Staff2010-11-03T20:57:36ZMom's Disciplinary Rules Are StupidStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Moms-Disciplinary-Rules-Are-Stupid/94.html2010-11-02T23:50:21Z2010-11-02T23:50:21Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>We often hear the difficulties parents have with raising teens. In today's video, I heard the story from the point of view of a 13 year old who thinks her mother is being unreasonable:
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFNTuGiYx54" target="_blank">
</a>Staff2010-11-02T23:50:21ZDoing the Right Thing Comes With A PriceStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Doing-the-Right-Thing-Comes-With-A-Price/95.html2010-11-02T01:13:44Z2010-11-02T01:13:44Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I recently read about a woman who won approximately $70 million after an 8 year battle with a major pharmaceutical company. She was a "whistle blower" who reported the major drug company to the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for atrocious violations which risked lives, and she got fired. Now, that company is paying the major part of a billion dollars to the government and has issued an apology and expressed the intent to remedy the situation at the manufacturing plant.
It's too obvious for me to suggest that this reads like a "Law and Order" episode. One wonders why the company didn't
reward
her with her own LearJet, and fire lotsa folks at the stated plant as well as in the management ranks who were warned and did nothing to fix the problem. If they'd done that, their stock would have gone up. Instead, all we've got is lawsuits that were lost, terrible public relations, a tarnished reputation, and people who were hurt.
Go figure.
An interesting part of the whistleblower issue is how many people turn against the whistleblower because
doing the right thing is not their priority
. They are more concerned with less meaningful things.
I took a call from a woman not long ago about her sister who is in the hospital giving birth to her second child. The caller was "house sitting" and called to tell me the home was ferociously filthy: dogs routinely relieved themselves in the house (they weren't housebroken) and there was other filth everywhere. She was calling to ask me if she should tell the parents. I asked her whether or not the parents had ever visited. She said "yes," and I replied that since they already know, they intend to do nothing. They probably don't want to tick off the daughter, so they wouldn't be able to visit the grandkids, or else they're equally filhy in their habits.
I said that
the right thing
is to protect the health of the children. That's why she needs to immediately call Child Protective Services (CPS) and the Health Department. I offered that she could call the parents and tell them this is what was happening in order to give them a "head's up," but I also had to warn her that she'd be attacked by most of the family who are ashamed that they've done nothing. The moment my caller blows the whistle, she will be outcast and berated and maligned and hated.
Too many people do not focus in on
the right thing to do
, and think of lesser issues instead, such as guilt for not having acted themselves, embarrassment for being part of a family that treats children this way, or denial that a family member might have a mental problem.
No one in this whole situation outside of my caller gave a damn about the children. I applaud and support her. She'll need it. Doing the right thing usually comes with a price. Maybe that's why so many people avoid it. Staff2010-11-02T01:13:44ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/96.html2010-10-28T01:13:00Z2010-10-28T01:13:00Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>When witches go riding,
and black cats are seen
The moon laughs and whispers,
'tis near Halloween
.
- Author Unknown
From a 19th century Halloween postcard
Have a happy and safe Halloween on Sunday.Staff2010-10-28T01:13:00ZLaw School Student Wants His Tuition BackStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Law-School-Student-Wants-His-Tuition-Back/97.html2010-10-28T00:12:23Z2010-10-28T00:12:23Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A third-year Boston College Law School student facing dismal job prospects and a mountain of student loan debt has offered the prestigious law school a unique deal: keep the degree, and give him back his tuition!
Good gracious, here's another example of the generation of young people who:
Buy something they can't afford (in this case, tuition), and then complain about the debt.
Expect that since they showed up, there should be a party (or at least the job of their dreams).
With the housing situation as it is (people buying homes they couldn't afford), you'd think their kids would "get" it: if you can't pay, don't dance. Investing in your own future does not mean that the dividends will be easily gotten.
It's not that there isn't a need for legal experts, it's just these young adults have the notion they should start at the top, instead of putting out a shingle and helping people as best they can while working up and perhaps looking toward being in a larger firm. No, instead of that kind of thinking, the mentality today is: "I put in three years of my life and took on huge loans....Now I AM ENTITLED to the brass ring."
We're not adequately teaching our children humility, patience and a work ethic. Getting an education is a stepping stone, but it does not come with a GPS - we all have to meander a bit. Pay dues. Get real life experience, struggle and sacrifice, and then - maybe - we'll get exactly what we want.
Here's another take: a man goes up a mountain in Tibet to talk to the wisest man on the earth. He reaches the summit, finds the old guy, and asks "Which way is success?"
The guru points in a direction. The man, all excited, climbs down the mountain and rushes in that direction. SPLAT! He comes up against a wall.
He's upset, but figures he made a mistake somehow and then goes back up the mountain to the guru and asks again: "Which way is success?"
Again, the guru points off into the distance. The man comes down the mountain and again attempts the journey. SPLAT! He is exhausted, starving, frustrated, and getting angry.
He goes back up the mountain and yells at the guru: "I asked which way is success twice. I followed your directions...twice! I'm tired, hungry, frustrated, and very, very angry. Now, old man, "WHICH WAY IS SUCCESS?"
This time, the guru spoke: "It is that way - a little past SPLAT."Staff2010-10-28T00:12:23ZYouTube Pulls Anti-Abortion AdStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/YouTube-Pulls-Anti-Abortion-Ad/98.html2010-10-27T21:12:40Z2010-10-27T21:12:40Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Missy Smith is running for Washington D.C. delegate to the U.S. House of Representatives. She is running against incumbent Eleanor Holmes Norton and claims to have the backing of the Tea Party movement.
What is most interesting about this candidacy? She is running largely as an anti-abortion candidate. She runs a 30 second ad which will air 24 times on local broadcast network affiliates across the greater Washington, D.C. metropolitan area, preceded by a 15 second warning that was added by the station's administrators.
Her 30 second ad was pulled from YouTube, posting a notice that it amounted to a "violation of YouTube's policy on shocking and disgusting content."
What is the ad? It's 30 seconds of still photos of aborted babies. Missy Smith's voiceover admits to her having had two abortions:
"I was told it's not a baby. They lied to me. They exploited me. Then I learned the truth and I've suffered for years. And believe me, I am angry. My heart has been ripped out. Obama, Pelosi, Reid, Norton...they all support the murder of babies and the abuse of women by abortion. It's time to make child-killing illegal again."
I've been rolling around in my mind YouTube's comment on "shocking and disgusting." Yes, the murder of innocent babies in the womb is shocking and disgusting in a civilized society. Dead babies ripped apart aren't really pretty. But it is the truth.
If it's really that gruesome, should it be a "right?"
We can have daily abortions by the thousands. Why can't we look at what it is exactly that's happening?
I went on YouTube and explored by using words like "shocking," "disgusting," "vulgar," "mean," and others. And what happened? Videos appeared with subjects like atrocious sexual exploits with links to sites with "more more more," fart compilations, squeezing pus from boils, and a snake eating a hamster.
I agree with YouTube that using stills of aborted children amounts to "shocking and disgusting content." I challenge every single Planned [un]Parenthood clinic to show women coming in for abortions these photos, and THEN let them choose. I challenge every high school to show photos of aborted babies the same way they show horrible shots of car accidents to alert young people to the dangers of drunk driving.
It is shocking and disgusting to me and many others that people find it just fine to murder babies in their bodies
without
seeing the sonograms of their babies moving in their womb, without looking at photos of the baby at the level of development of theirs, and without seeing the final result of the abortion.
Choosing
without being totally informed is not really make a choice. It is
hiding
from actually making a choice.
Unwanted babies are wanted by some other family.
If a continuation of a pregnancy threatens the life of the mother, abortion would be reasonable in self-defense. If a continuation of a pregnancy will result in a baby that will certainly die shortly after birth, in compassion, an abortion would be reasonable. But to waste a perfectly good baby over disinterest, inconvenience, embarrassment, and even economics is
really
shocking and disgusting.
You can find Missy Smith's website at
www.missysmith2010.com
. Check it out.
Sometimes truth hurts.Staff2010-10-27T21:12:40ZBrain: 22; Body: Much OlderStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Brain:-22;-Body:--Much-Older/99.html2010-10-26T19:56:25Z2010-10-26T19:56:25Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>How many times have you heard an adult say something like: "I know I'm a mature adult, but I feel like a teenager on the inside?" Sometimes, there's a real disconnect between what we see in the mirror and what we think inside our heads:
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9gZuk1qoxk" target="_blank">
</a>Staff2010-10-26T19:56:25ZColleague Deserves RespectStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Colleague-Deserves-Respect/100.html2010-10-25T21:43:14Z2010-10-25T21:43:14Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A high school teacher called me because she was so agitated she didn't know what to do to calm herself down. She called me, because she was convinced in her own mind that I would not only agree with her, but give her a course of action to follow.
She'd been working at her current school for four years. At a meeting of all the teachers, they were informed that the parking lot would no longer have reserved spaces for each instructor - from now on, it would be "first come, first served."
A teacher with over twenty years seniority on the caller stood and said that this new rule was nonsense and he expected to have the "front and center" parking space he'd always had. My caller was furious and thought the other teacher was arrogant.
This is an ugly trend in our society and in our schools: the trend to rob people of respect for their accomplishments. School systems have tried to do away with grades and eliminate honors for those students who excel, all in the name of "everyone is equal and no one's feelings should be hurt."
My caller resented that her co-worker would receive any benefits because of his outstanding, long service to the school. Shame on her!
I told her that I would have immediately stood up to support him and all the other teachers with long tenure. They should be treated with respect, regard, deference and support, including having the right to the parking space to which they had become accustomed. The caller was shocked at my point of view. She asked me if I thought it was arrogant of him to demand that space. On the contrary, I told her, "it is arrogant of YOU to think you rate his parking space when you haven't earned it!"
We are all equal in the sight of God; we are all equal in the sight of the law. We are NOT all equal in our abilities, accomplishments, efforts, and/or experiences, and those differences should be admired and supported without any attempt to dilute their importance because of envy, laziness, unfortunate circumstances or any excuse to resent what others are or what they have.
We
all
benefit from holding each other up when it is earned.Staff2010-10-25T21:43:14ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/101.html2010-10-22T22:17:23Z2010-10-22T22:17:23Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I never knew a man come to greatness or eminence who lay abed late in the morning.
- Jonathan Swift
Anglo-Irish satirist and essayist
1667 - 1745Staff2010-10-22T22:17:23ZNo Excuse for Chronic LatenessStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/No-Excuse-for-Chronic-Lateness/102.html2010-10-21T06:32:09Z2010-10-21T06:32:09Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>There are lots of ways to show others disrespect. One very typical example of disrespectful behavior is being chronically late. Oh, people have lots of excuses: the dog, the computer, the kid, the traffic, the moon spots, and, of course "stuff happens."
I'm not talking about an isolated event. I'm talking about a
pattern
of behavior. Being chronically late not only messes up plans, it hurts feelings. I believe more often than not, chronic lateness is passive-aggressive behavior. That means the individual who is always late is saying (in code): "I am more important than you; you can't tell me what to do; you are not in control of me; I will do what I
wish
to do," and more. Instead of saying all this directly, however, the
behavior
says it while the conversation is one of "Oh, I'm sorry. I tried to make it on time." The meaning behind the behavior is the "aggression," and the attempt to make it seem accidental is the "passive" part.
It is also true many folks just pile too much into a day to properly handle all their responsibilities; such anxiety-directed personalities find themselves always up to their eyeballs in too many self-selected obligations, responsibilities, busy work, promises, desires, and on and on and on.
And now, people can email and text and call from a little hand phone. They very likely feel less and less upset about being late and making others wait because (they rationalize)
"At least I'm letting them know of my progress."
None of that, however, changes the frustration, disappointment and hurt in the hearts and minds of those left waiting...and waiting...and waiting.
Relationships have been lost over this misbehavior, and rightfully so. Friendships are supposed to be reciprocal in interest, thoughtfulness, compassion and respect. When they are consistently lopsided, it is no longer a healthy friendship.
I had a friend who was chronically late. Nonetheless, we planned to go to an event together. I warned her most clearly: "If you are not here at the stroke of 7 or before, turn your car around. I'll be gone, probably permanently." This friend was there about 30 seconds before 7.
Rules and expectations and consequences have to be considered. It's one thing to be disrespected by someone; it is quite another to constantly permit it to happen. This just gives the chronic "latester" more permission to repeat the behavior. Remember, I'm not talking about unavoidable circumstances. I
am
talking about patterns of behavior.Staff2010-10-21T06:32:09ZThink of the Child, Not YourselfStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Think-of-the-Child,-Not-Yourself/103.html2010-10-20T21:19:35Z2010-10-20T21:19:35Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I'm getting more and more scared for our country and our society. The attitudes and behaviors which were once marginalized are now becoming mainstream, tearing apart the fabric of families and the well-being of individuals.
You may remember my comments about Jennifer Aniston's movie "The Switch," which focused on parenthood via donor insemination. Well, she had a bit of a tussle with Bill O'Reilly, who said in August that Aniston's comments on women's ability to become mothers without men were
"destructive to our society."
He was right.
What is this feminist, liberal rush to eliminate dads from the life of children? We already know the promiscuity of little girls and the sociopathic behavior of little boys in families without a dad. The agenda of "I am woman, hear me roar" is louder than the factual necessity of a dad in the lives of children? How could that happen?
FoxNews.com reported that Melissa Singer
"always knew she didn't want to get married. It wasn't that she didn't like men or relationships; she just never felt the desire for constant partnership. What she did want, however was a child." The New York City woman is quoted as saying: "Motherhood was the thing I wanted to do most in the world. I wanted to have a child. I wanted to be able to pass along the traditions that my family had. I wanted to be able to give my parents a grandchild."
So she went to the local sperm bank. Her child is now 14, and doesn't have a daddy, because mommy was (in my opinion) too controlling and narcissistic to marry for the sake of the child.
Eric Blyth, a professor of social work in a British university told LifeScience that
"I could never really see that there was such a big difference certainly from the child's point of view between adoption and donor conception, in terms of children knowing where they come from."
Good Lord, is he kidding? An adoption to a two-parent, "mom and dad" family has the
same impact
that the knowledge that there really is no dad - just sperm from a laboratory?? On what planet does he think this could possibly be true?
This does point out, however, that
agenda
trumps facts more and more these days.
Through the lens of Hollywood, we're mainstreaming behavior which hurts children and society, while positioning that behavior as equal to or even superior to traditional attitudes. We have movies about confusion as to whose sperm donation did the deed; we have movies about two women with one sperm donor, and the humor and warmth that comes from that situation - all in the service of redefining the
family
as whatever you wish it to be.
We also have several television programs depicting multiple-wife situations as a reasonable alternative to the intimacy and commitment between a man and a woman in the covenant of marriage.
Basically, ours is becoming a free-for-all society where folks can have what they want....at the expense of children.
I've been warning about this for three decades, only to be met with indictments of being "hateful" to the adults in these situation.
I do not hate.
I suffer the children.Staff2010-10-20T21:19:35ZHow to Be A GOOD Stay-At-Home MomStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Be-A-GOOD-Stay-At-Home-Mom/104.html2010-10-19T23:14:13Z2010-10-19T23:14:13Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>According to one of my listeners, just because you stay at home with your kids, that alone doesn't necessarily make you a
good
stay-at-home parent. She wanted more from me about how she could be the best she could be for them:
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eARv-s_rbDE" target="_blank">
</a>Staff2010-10-19T23:14:13Z10 Overpriced Products to AvoidStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/10-Overpriced-Products-to-Avoid/105.html2010-10-18T21:35:17Z2010-10-18T21:35:17Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I recently spoke to a caller who lamented that at some point she was going to have to stop being an at-home mom and go back to work to make ends meet. I said that move was not an option, because abandoning children into institutionalized day care is the
last
desperate move - not the first or an intermediate one.
I told her to "budget, budget, budget," and mentioned that my husband and I were budgeting just like most Americans, and I hadn't bought any new clothes in so many months, I can't even remember, and I had no idea what the current fashions even were. She mentioned that she shopped for clothes at second-hand stores. I stopped her right there and challenged why she was even bothering to do that. What is the female necessity for a constant flow of new clothes? Unless there is a specific
need
, doing that is a continuous waste of money, although "going shopping" together
is
a way for females to bond and have entertainment.
Then I found an article in the Economizer section of
www.walletpop.com
, entitled "10 Most Overpriced Products You Should Avoid." It was eye-opening, and should become wallet-closing!
1.
Text Messages
According to a story in the
Chicago Tribune
, outgoing 160-character text messages on a cell phone typically cost users 20 cents, while they only cost the carrier three-tenths of a cent to process. That's a 6000% profit! 600 text messages contain less data than one minute of a phone call. If text data rates are applied, a brief cell phone conversation would cost $120! So CALL....don't text.
2.
Bottled Water
Water that is pre-packaged is more expensive than a gallon of gas. Since about 40% of bottled water comes from municipal taps, you're better off refilling that plastic bottle at home and toting it around.
3.
Movie Theatre Popcorn
When you pay $6 for a medium-sized bag of popcorn in theatres, you're paying a markup of $1,275%, compared to the cost of buying three 3.5 oz bags of microwaveable popcorn sold in a box for about $3. Besides, you don't need the calories.
4.
Brand name drugs
Over-the-counter medications were at the top of a recent WalletPop.com list of products to always buy generic. In the past year, the cost of brand name prescriptions has increased nearly 10% while generics have dropped. The recommendation was to check out Costco for lower generic medication prices.
5.
Hotel mini-bars
$10 for a bottle of water? $12 for a tube of toothpaste? A 1300% markup on Gummy Bears? Keep that fridge door closed!!
6.
Coffee
A $3 cup of coffee can be made at home for a quarter. Check out Topdogcoffeebar.com - they roast 'em, and you brew 'em.
7.
Wine
Restaurants pay $5 wholesale for a bottle of wine and charge customers $25. A glass of wine can have a higher markup because the bottle can be thrown away if all of it isn't used.
8.
Greeting cards
The greeting cards anyone ever keeps are those made by hand. Enough said.
9.
Hotel In-Room Movies
You pay 200% more for "convenience." How about bringing your computer and DVDs, or bring your Netflix movie from home? If the hotel has wi-fi, use Netflix streaming.
10.
Pre-cut vegetables
Sometimes, you pay as much as 40% more if the grocery pre-cuts them. Go to your local farmer's market and get fresher products at greater deals.
There are a zillion ways to save dollars at almost every turn. We have come to see "conveniences" as necessities, when they're actually very expensive.Staff2010-10-18T21:35:17ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/106.html2010-10-15T20:46:51Z2010-10-15T20:46:51Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>My grandfather once told me that there are two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was less competition there.
- Indira Gandhi
Former Prime Minister of the Republic of India
Assassinated in 1984
1917 - 1984Staff2010-10-15T20:46:51ZGood News About A Good GuyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Good-News-About-A-Good-Guy/107.html2010-10-14T22:12:56Z2010-10-14T22:12:56Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I read a
good news
story about an average guy who rescued an 8 year old girl who had been abducted and sexually assaulted by a creep in Fresno, California. Have you heard about this? Ahhh, probably not.
Did you hear the story about the airline steward who jumped from a plane? Yes! That was big news!
Did you hear the one about the party crashers at the White House? Yes again! That also was big news.
Have you been constantly reminded about Lindsay Lohan's latest stupid behavior? Yes, yes, and yes again. So why have you not heard about Victor Perez who gave chase in his own pickup truck when he recognized the vehicle matching the description of the one used in the abduction?
I have the simple and sad answer to that question. Take one part human nature (where the unusual, exotic, creepy, and horrific stimulate more of a reaction than sweetness and compassion), add one part media attention to the bizarre and to people behaving badly, and finally one part the reward given to those who act out everyone's adolescent urges to be free of all restraints of morality and common decency. In other words: bad behavior gets more attention than good because of the universal yearnings to have the power to say "screw everyone - I'll do my own thing, and if you don't like it,
tough on you!
"
Mr. Perez noticed the car passing by while he was chatting with his cousin. He could have simply called 911 and not gotten involved, but he yelled for his cousin to make the call and then hopped in his truck and took chase, cutting the bad guy off a number of times. At first, he wasn't sure it
was
the bad guy, until the little girl stuck her head out the window.
That was all it took for Mr. Perez to get into gear. He exchanged words with the abductor who kept trying to hide the girl, and then finally just cut him off so the bad guy
had
to stop, at which time he pushed the girl out of the truck and took off.
The bad guy, Gregorio Gonzales, is a gang banger on probation no less (someone's head should roll!) for a felony domestic violence conviction with numerous arrests, including suspicion of possessing a sawed-off shotgun.
It did cross Mr. Perez's mind that this creep could have a gun and shoot him, but that didn't deter him from trying to help the little girl. That's the thing about good guys - they tend to forge ahead in spite of possible injury or even death. When asked why he did that, Mr. Perez answered simply:
"It was the right thing to do."
According to the news report from
www.msnbc.com
, two other adults saw what was happening when a stranger approached a group of children, and they shouted for the girls to run away. That's all. They shouted. They didn't run towards him. They didn't run into the street to force him to stop or swerve. They shouted.
Mr. Perez put his life on the line.
That is one of the reasons bad guys feel emboldened to snatch kids off the street in broad daylight: they know there are
very
few "Mr. Perezes."Staff2010-10-14T22:12:56ZReality TV Tolerates Child AbuseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Reality-TV-Tolerates-Child-Abuse/108.html2010-10-13T20:41:01Z2010-10-13T20:41:01Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Whether you call it "reality," or "actuality," it makes for "trash" television
on purpose.
Matt Philbin, managing editor of the Culture and Media Institute says:
"Reality television plays to people's worst instincts and depends on people behaving badly, manipulating others, lying and violence."
In my opinion, that's putting it mildly.
Reality TV is the disgusting intent to make money by catering to the lowest qualities in human beings: being entertained by death, evil, mayhem, cruelty, and downright stupidity.
MTV's contribution to the waste of the airwaves,
Teen Mom
(which, by the way, targets down to 12 year olds) shows Amber Portwood violently kicked, punched, and slapped by her on-again/off-again fiancé, and the father of her illegitimate and most unlucky child. She responds with a vulgar tirade -
all in front of the child
- and the cameras roll...and the cameras roll.
Nobody thinks of this as child abuse? I do. Upon viewing that video, authorities from Child Protective Services should have taken that child into protective custody and attempted to terminate their parental (and I use that term loosely) rights.
In season 2 of E!'s "Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami," Fox News reports
"Terrified new mom Kourtney was seen cowering and locking herself in a room with their then five-month old, as Scott Disick litters the floor with broken glass amid a violent alcohol-involved tirade."
Grossly bad behavior these days is fodder for a TV show, with fame, fortune, nice cars, and a fabulous lifestyle as a reward.
I
demand
to know, considering there is video evidence, why Child Protective Services in neither case has taken the child away from each of these unfit mothers? I'm not an attorney, but I believe this is criminal activity and I know it's psychologically abusive to the children, as well as downright dangerous to them.
We don't seem to have come far from the Christians/lions and gladiators as entertainment.
Blood, violence, fury, danger, vulgar displays - these form the core of the TV shows we see now. I long for the good old days.Staff2010-10-13T20:41:01ZMom Can't Stop Giving Me Advice!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Mom-Cant-Stop-Giving-Me-Advice!/109.html2010-10-12T20:05:35Z2010-10-12T20:05:35Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>We moms are always giving advice to our kids, no matter how old they are. But it's not always welcome, as you'll hear from this young woman:
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQly11DxbgI" target="_blank">
</a>Staff2010-10-12T20:05:35ZSexual Harassment and Assault in Middle SchoolStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Sexual-Harassment-and-Assault-in-Middle-School/110.html2010-10-11T21:34:08Z2010-10-11T21:34:08Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Here's a scenario: some scummy high school boy pulls down your 13-year-old daughter's sweatpants in front of other students at a middle school in New Jersey. The combination of harassment and assault is reported to the school. What happens? The school superintendent asks you, the mother, what kind of underwear your daughter wears in order to determine what was revealed, as though the punishment should fit the size of her drawers instead of the crime itself.
You attend a school seminar on bullying where the principal does not discuss this assault. You've had it with the school not taking the case seriously, so you follow him into the hall and curse him out. You then calm down, apologize and go home.
What does the school
choose
to do? Why, file a complaint against the mother for disorderly conduct! Can you believe the gall of the guys who run this school and school district? I guess "boys will be boys," and if they assault a girl, well, it's all in fun -
but
if the mother gets mad enough to read you out, well,
that's
unacceptable.
The name of the school is Hasbrouck Heights Middle School.
The superintendent with the lascivious question about the girl's underwear is Joseph Luongo.
The principal is Edward Bocar.
This incident happened last year, but the judge who had the good sense to dismiss the charges a few weeks ago is Bergen County Judge Roy F. McGeady, the good guy in all of this.
By the way, mom is moving forward with a lawsuit against the school.
I believe the boy in question should be brought up on charges of sexual harassment and sexual assault.
I think the superintendent's mother should smack her son silly.
The principal who can't handle a genuinely and appropriately upset mother should be forced to take sensitivity classes.Staff2010-10-11T21:34:08ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/111.html2010-10-08T21:30:34Z2010-10-08T21:30:34Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>There are three things that are extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know one's self.
- Benjamin Franklin
One of the Founding Fathers of the United States
1706-1790Staff2010-10-08T21:30:34ZMore Than A Hate Crime at Rutgers UniversityStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/More-Than-A-Hate-Crime-at-Rutgers-University/112.html2010-10-07T23:50:33Z2010-10-07T23:50:33Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I am unbelievably furious! I have a new book coming out in January, entitled
"Surviving Shark Attacks on Land."
It has to do with betrayal and revenge. 18 year old Tyler Clementi didn't survive his recent shark attack on land. He killed himself by jumping off the George Washington Bridge in New York. He posted a goodbye on his Facebook page just eight minutes before he ended his life.
The media has made a fuss over this story because he was gay.
That is not the story
. The story is that he was betrayed in the most disgusting and egregious way by his own roommate and the roommate's girlfriend. They sneaked a camera into the dorm room and secretly taped Tyler Clementi having sex. They callously "shared" (as it's lovingly called) this tape with the Internet universe on the roommate's network of "friends" (as they're lovingly called).
The roommate bragged about his spying in a Twitter post.
The piece of garbage known as his roommate and his piece of garbage of a girlfriend have been arrested for invasion of privacy. They intentionally betrayed the friendship between roommates and intentionally humiliated this young man in public. There ought to be (and there may be) a more serious charge.
For those of you old enough to remember the original movie
"M*A*S*H,"
an audio version of this humiliation was perpetrated on "Hotlips" Houlihan as a "joke." She was devastated, and the audience and actors laughed. Mainstreaming cruelty.
One 16 year old junior at Rutgers (the same school) defended the perpetrators:
"I'm really shocked."
About what?
"I wouldn't expect Molly to do something like that. Dharan was very friendly, open and social."
And here it comes:
"They're not like that. It was probably a practical joke gone wrong."
Bull. They are
exactly
like that. They
intended
to humiliate Tyler. They
intended
to have a laugh at his expense. They
intended
to gain notoriety by having produced this film for all to see for their "entertainment." They
intended
to be cruel. They were
sharks
, attacking by betraying a friend on the Internet.
Could Tyler have survived this attack? Was suicide his only out?
The problem is that if he reported them to the school (whether or not they got in trouble for it), it's on the Internet, seen and downloaded again and again and again for all eternity.
I know something about this sort of betrayal. Made up, as well as real, photos of me are on the Internet for all eternity also. I know personally the feeling of wanting to die...vanish...evaporate. The pain of that humiliation was extraordinary. Why did I survive and Tyler not? Tyler was just 18 years old and did not have decades of adult life experiences, accomplishments, a network of support or perhaps just pure grit. When someone so vulnerable is betrayed (and the word
is
betrayed
), then life seems totally hopeless. When people you expect to have some kindness use you to further their fun-loving reputation by humiliating you for all time, and you're only a teenager, you feel you will never be able to show your face or trust anybody again. Everything is magnified, including pain, when you're a teenager.
Tyler would have survived had he believed he could live through this humiliation and hold up his head again. That he was gay is not the issue. Had he been straight, we'd be having the same conversation. This is not about sexual orientation. This is about the awful inhumanity that is mainstreamed most horrendously via the Internet.
My heart goes out to this boy...I know what he felt, and I wish I had been there to tell him so.Staff2010-10-07T23:50:33ZExcuses and More ExcusesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Excuses-and-More-Excuses/113.html2010-10-06T10:33:49Z2010-10-06T10:33:49Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Do you have any idea how many calls I take on my radio program having to do with being overweight and out of condition? Some people make unfortunate choices in a romantic partner
because
they believe that being fat makes them less attractive to a more preferable partner. Parents call with complaints their obese and sedentary children are being "razzed" in school. Many women have told me they don't have sex with their husbands because they hate the way their bodies look! And others have weight-related medical problems, like adult-onset diabetes, bad knees and low energy.
Ultimately, it all comes down to something that is fixable if there's an effort made to routinely exercise and moderate one's food intake.
Nonetheless, the callers generally dismiss this rather straightforward solution with "issues" of depression, low self-esteem, problems from childhood, difficult schedules, etc., all to explain or excuse not exercising or controlling their eating habits.
It's true eating (the first activity we experience upon birth) is a source of solace and pleasure. However, as mature adults, we have to satisfy those human needs in healthier ways than letting our bodies be punished into obesity, poor balance, or bad conditioning, all which diminish the quality of life and life's intimacies.
According to
Bloomberg Business Week
, only
5%
of American adults do some type of vigorous physical activity on any given day. Most of the respondents to their survey reported such sedentary activities as eating and drinking (96%), watching TV/movies (80%) or only very light activities such as washing, dressing, grooming (79%) or driving a car/motorcycle (71%).
Worse still, the most reported "moderate activity" was
food and drink preparation!
38% of the women and 13% of the men listed
that
one as a physical activity.
These facts demonstrate that, generally, being out of condition is largely a voluntary condition for which people then complain about a lack of motivation. The reason many people join exercise and diet groups is they are held accountable as a motivation. Being part of a group which all has the same goal (e.g., weight loss, muscle toning) puts you in a competitive atmosphere as well as a supportive one. Going for walks with others, working out with friends, getting involved in a healthy cooking group and other similar examples all contribute to accountability.
Motivation is not a miracle, and it's not something you should count on
before
you do what is right, good, and healthy for yourself and others. Discipline ultimately comes from wanting to be proud of yourself and by learning about your level of courage and character.Staff2010-10-06T10:33:49ZAhoy There, Mateys!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Ahoy-There,-Mateys!/114.html2010-10-05T22:20:27Z2010-10-05T22:20:27Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I often mention on my radio program that I have been a competitive sailor for a number of years. At your request, In today's video, I give you an idea of how sailing "talks" to me, and how I got into this adventurous hobby:
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjST1kEvDuE" target="_blank">
</a>Staff2010-10-05T22:20:27ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/115.html2010-10-01T05:54:59Z2010-10-01T05:54:59Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>What people commonly call fate is mostly their own stupidity
- Arthur Schopenhauer
German philosopher
1788-1860Staff2010-10-01T05:54:59ZNOW Takes on KFCStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/NOW-Takes-on-KFC/116.html2010-09-30T05:22:50Z2010-09-30T05:22:50Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Here's the skinny on KFC: the world's largest chicken chain's US same-store sales fell 7% in the second quarter of 2010. Two weeks ago, KFC revealed more than 60% of Americans ages 18-25 couldn't identify who that "old guy" (Colonel Sanders) was on the KFC logo.
Obviously, time for a change! Spalding University in downtown Louisville is the first campus in America to be involved in the logo change. KFC's Marketing Division paid $500 for a cute college coed to parade around campus with "Double Down" emblazoned across her not quite tight sweat pants, obviously to attract young men who are the key customers and the biggest fans of "Double Down" KFC Sandwiches.
Frankly, I have absolutely no problem with this. But the National Organization for "I don't know what kind of" Women has a
big
problem with this. Terry O'Neill, president of NOW says
"It's so obnoxious to once again be using women's bodies to sell fundamentally unhealthy products."
Gee, I don't know....how healthy (emotionally and physically) is it for women to have perfectly good babies sucked out of their bodies in an abortion?
I don't know...how unhealthy (emotionally, physically, and financially) is it for women to intentionally make babies while single, with no daddy for the children and no husband to share love, life, responsibilities, and finances?
I don't know...how unhealthy (emotionally and physically) is it for women to put their children in the care of institutions instead of their own arms, voice and time?
I don't know...how healthy (emotionally and physically) is it for women to have casual sex ("hooking up" as it's called)?
These are all issues that NOW does not criticize.
NOW criticizes a sign on the rump of a college coed. Give me a break.
And as one comment on this story read:
"If NOW were not the shrill, hypocritical, quasi-Marxist 'women's advocacy group' that it is, it would concern itself with REAL issues such as Islam's treatment of women in much of the world (and in not-so-isolated cases right here in the USA) regarding honor killings, husbands' 'rights' to beat their wives, stoning, second- or third-class citizenship and the like.' "
And another comment:
"How amusing. So the NOW organization, which has no problem with burqas, and no problem with a former president [Clinton] accused of rape, finds it offensive for women to advertise on their behinds."
Well, I find it offensive when a gorgeous, voluptuous, former Miss Something or other, wearing very tight clothes, goes into the locker room full of naked men ostensibly to get "interviews" after a football game, and gets her nose bent out of joint when they hoot and holler. I thought her behavior was provocative, inappropriate, and unnecessary, and her outrage at being admired absolutely ridiculous. And the
guys
got punished! I think
her
behavior was sexual harassment!
I thought the National Organization for "I don't know what kind of " Women's chief purpose was to promote women's rights? Doesn't a woman have the right to do with her body as she chooses? If she can kill babies in her womb, should she not be able to earn a few bucks with a "Double Down" tag on the rump of her loose-fitting sweats? Walk the streets in prostitution? Produce and star in pornography?
I had a feminist professor from an east coast university write me a threatening letter when I published a column promoting married mothers raising their own babies. She pretty much said I singlehandedly was trying to keep women oppressed and in poverty. So much for my rights to free speech. She promised to amass a movement to eliminate my written voice, simply because I promoted mothers loving, holding, teaching, feeding, protecting, and nurturing their own babies.
I don't believe NOW has much credibility in general, much less in this circumstance.Staff2010-09-30T05:22:50ZDenying Gender DifferencesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Denying-Gender-Differences/117.html2010-09-28T04:38:06Z2010-09-28T04:38:06Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>In 2005, Lawrence H. Summers resigned as president of Harvard University. That announcement came a week before a "no confidence" vote by the Harvard faculty was expected. Why? The answer is simple: activist groups in general, and feminist groups in particular, don't accept facts when they oppose their agenda.
Dr. Summers discussed human gender differences in an academic conference. He suggested that innate gender differences between the sexes might explain the few women in science and math. The response to his factually based comment was akin to the apocalypse!
Summers was replaced by Drew Faust (the Women's Studies Department head, and a feminist, of course). $50 million was dedicated to promote "women only" affirmative action in science, technical, and engineering departments. In the name of gender equality and political correctness, we aim to destroy the scientific base of America!
There are basic
facts
that agendas cannot eliminate...but they
can
bury. Fact: Men are represented at the top and the bottom of the IQ curve. Greater male variance is seen throughout the animal kingdom. That means that when you draw the IQ "bell curve" from low to high, more men than women appear at the genius level and at the lowest levels. Females predominate at the "average" performance of grade average in general, but males predominate in the highest percentiles of grade performance as well as the lowest.
Feminists, desiring desperately to avoid these facts, seek to remove males from employment in the upper-performance range in science, math, and engineering in colleges, which ultimately results in the removal of the upper-performing males, and down the tubes goes American technical strength.
That there are male and female differences in brains and abilities has been a known scientific fact...forever! I taught about this at the University of Southern California in the Department of Biological Sciences. I always added the caveat that an individual should be free to utilize his or her true abilities, regardless of gender.
CBS News Medical Correspondent Dr. Jennifer Ashton explained last week that
"There appears to be a difference in the size of the brain when you compare men versus women; we're talking about the anatomy here. Obviously, male brains tend to be larger, because men tend to be, but within the brain, certain structures, and parts of the anatomy, some are bigger in women and some are bigger in men. So, for example, in male brains, men have six and a half times more gray matter than women do. Gray matter is partly responsible for information processing, so that may explain in general men tending to be better in math. But women have as much as ten times the white matter - the part of the brain that's partially responsible for connecting information processing centers. This could contribute to why women are such good multi-taskers. We know that women are more prone to depression, and men tend to be more affected by things like attention-deficit disorder and schizophrenia."
The denial of the male/female differences, the tyranny of feminism, has resulted in the sexual revolution (casual sex, casual abortions), fatherless families, children being raised in "day orphanages" (my term for day care) instead of by a mommy and a daddy, and destructive mandates like Title IX.
I suggest you read "Taking Sex Differences Seriously," by Steven E. Rhoads, who has taught public policy at the University of Virginia for over thirty years.
I would also suggest you read "Who Stole Feminism?" by Christina Hoff Sommers, as well as her "The War Against Boys."
Neither men nor women are happier apart or together since feminism took hold in our society. The ongoing response I've had to "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" proved this point as thousands of women wrote to tell me that they understood their power as women, appreciate their femininity, and have found tremendous happiness being their husband's girlfriend instead of persistently disgusted wife. Women have been discovering for several decades that "having it all" simultaneously is the quick road to an emotional implosion.
Dr. Summers was railroaded out of the presidency of one of the most hallowed halls of learning in America because he dared to state facts that an activist group with a generally liberal mentality simply did not want to hear. Remember the movie "Planet of the Apes?" Human beings had destroyed the earth with nuclear war, and apes survived and evolved while the leftover humans became their slaves. The most educated of the apes - scientists and politicians - did not want the apes to know that MAN was here first. Any more advanced humans were silenced.
Does that sound familiar?Staff2010-09-28T04:38:06ZDisrespecting Mom While Dad's DeployedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Disrespecting-Mom-While-Dads-Deployed/118.html2010-09-28T02:58:52Z2010-09-28T02:58:52Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>When a military parent is deployed, it can be difficult on the entire family. One mom is at a loss as to how to help her teenage daughters, who have started to act out:
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJUH-_pjKlY" target="_blank">
</a>Staff2010-09-28T02:58:52ZTruth Can No Longer Be SpokenStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Truth-Can-No-Longer-Be-Spoken/119.html2010-09-27T22:02:57Z2010-09-27T22:02:57Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Last week, I wrote about Molly Norris, the Seattle cartoonist who made a declaration that April 10, 2010 should be known as "Everybody Draw Mohammed" day. This poor woman is now on a designated Muslim "hit list," according to our FBI, and has to go into hiding for the rest of her life. The American-born Muslim imam Anwar al-Awlaki (the guy who allegedly inspired the Fort Hood massacre) singled out Molly Norris as a "prime target," saying "her proper abode is hellfire."
Our government isn't protecting her. Moderate Muslim groups are not protecting her. Her free speech rights have evaporated along with her life as she knows it: friends and family and job are gone as she has to "go ghost."
Well, this situation keeps happening all over America. The
New York Times
reports that some Harvard University faculty members and students are objecting to a plan to honor an alumnus and editor of
The New Republic
, because of a blog post he published this month that said Muslim life is cheap, most notably to Muslims. The editor, Martin Peretz, asserted that among Muslims led by the founder of the proposed Muslim Community Center near Ground Zero in New York,
"there is hardly one who has raised a fuss about the routine and random bloodshed that defines their brotherhood."
He went on to say he wondered
"whether I need honor these people and pretend that they are worthy of the privileges of the First Amendment, which I have in my gut the sense that they will abuse."
Let's look at his assertions. For which one is there evidence of an untruth? Are there not suicide bombings and attacks all over the world perpetrated by Muslims on innocent Muslims as well as innocent Westerners? Is there a profound moderate Muslim movement which is aggressively attacking the so-called radicals? Are moderate Muslim groups protecting the speech - no, forget that - the very
life
of Molly Norris?
It has gotten to the point in America that truth cannot be spoken if it offends somebody or their agenda. Let Abdelnasser Rashid, president of the Harvard Islamic Society debate Mr. Peretz and provide facts and information to refute his claims.
That
is the American way.
I am gratified to inform you Harvard issued a statement that Mr. Peretz's assertions were
"distressing to many members of our community, and understandably so,"
but it would not revoke the honor. Hallelujah.
"It is central to the mission of a university to protect and affirm free speech, including the rights of Dr. Peretz, as well as those who disagree with them, to express their views,"
the statement continued. At least one institution in America is still standing up for what is inherently American: freedom of speech.
I am worried though some imam will respond to Harvard's refusal to be intimidated by issuing a fatwa for Mr. Peretz as exists for Molly Norris.
That is our world today. Face it. Deal with it.Staff2010-09-27T22:02:57ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/120.html2010-09-24T06:24:45Z2010-09-24T06:24:45Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.
- Albert Camus
French Algerian author and philosopher
Winner of the Nobel Prize for Literature, 1957
1913-1960Staff2010-09-24T06:24:45ZWho's Harder to Raise - Boys or Girls?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Whos-Harder-to-Raise---Boys-or-Girls/121.html2010-09-23T04:16:55Z2010-09-23T04:16:55Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I came across a very interesting article in
Parenting
magazine: "Boys vs. Girls: Who's Harder to Raise?" If you only had one or the other, your answer would simply be whatever you endured as a parent! If you had both, well you probably have strong opinions based on which kid gave you the most grief, stress, and challenge.
According to the article, parents of boys complain about dealing with "
fights, farts, and video games
," but parents of girls complain about "
fussy fashion, prickly social navigations, and a far greater capacity to hold a grudge
."
They're both right. Boys are girls are equally "harder" - just in different ways. Of course, every child is unique and environment counts for something, but there is such a thing as a
male
brain and a
female
brain, and they operate quite differently!
Here are some categories to look at:
1.
Discipline
Boys are harder. Boys are less verbal and more tactile. Telling them to "stop" is not as powerful as picking them up and plopping them back in their rooms. Boys respond to physical cues. Girls respond to verbal ones. And at least while they are young, girls tend to want to please more; boys are simply into their own worlds and are more impulsive.
Five times as many boys than girls are singled out for medication or diagnosis with some disorder when it is likely just the result of a male brain requiring more opportunities to expend innate energy and aggression (which is why sports is more important for boys than girls - there, I've said it). Boys need firmer limits too (which is why I think boys and girls should be educated separately, and boys should have alpha male teachers.
2.
Physical Safety
Boys are harder because they are inherently more physical and risk-taking. Taking risks for boys is "hard-wired" in, whereas girls are more careful. Boys need to be guided into limits; girls need to be encouraged to take risks (this is usually what a father does for his daughter).
3.
Communication
Girls are hard wired to be people-oriented, while boys are hard wired to be action oriented. Boys talk later than girls and have more trouble connecting feelings with words. Girls talk, talk, and talk some more and get involved in drama, drama, drama; boys will fight with each other and then it's over - off they go to do rough and tumble.
4.
Self-esteem
Girls are harder, because they're people oriented and therefore people pleasers. Boys march to their own drums. Girls worry more about what friends think and say about them and they try to achieve perfection in how they look, becoming absorbed in who likes them. This is why sports and creative arts are important for girls - when girls use their bodies with strength, and their talents with creativity, they gain a positive sense of themselves.
The bottom line?
Parenting
claims that boys are harder early on (girls are cute and compliant at this stage, but boys are impulsive and rowdy), while girls get harder later on, with all their relationship and self-image turmoil.
So no matter what gender your children are, "fasten your seatbelt" - you're in for a bumpy ride, but one which is also emotionally rewarding.Staff2010-09-23T04:16:55ZFatwa Issued Against Seattle CartoonistStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Fatwa-Issued-Against-Seattle-Cartoonist/122.html2010-09-22T20:42:10Z2010-09-22T20:42:10Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I feel so very sorry for Molly Norris. She is the Seattle cartoonist who, tongue in cheek, made a declaration that April 10, 2010 should be known as "Everybody Draw Mohammed Day."
As you may know, Islam does not permit renditions of Mohammed. Worse than putting pressure on her newspaper to fire her for her insensitive comment, she is now on a "hit list" - that's right...a fatwa has been issued by the Yemeni-American cleric Anwar al-Awlaki, the imam who's been indicated as inspiring the Fort Hood, Texas massacre as well as the plot by two New Jersey men to kill U.S. Soldiers. Anwar al-Awlaki singled out Molly Norris as a "prime target," saying "her proper abode is hellfire."
The FBI Special Agent, David Gomez, told reporters that
"We understand the absolute seriousness of a threat from an Al Qaeda...and are attempting to do everything in our power to assist the individuals on that list to effectively protect themselves and change their behavior to make themselves less of a target."
She has been told to "go ghost," meaning moving, changing her name, and wiping away her identity. Her life, as she knows it, is gone, or her life will literally be gone.
Our government is not going to protect her; she's out on her own, a target of religious bigotry and tyranny.
Granted, this was a blatantly offensive comment -- I know something about being offensive without specifically intending to do so - but when an American is put on a hit list by a religious leader of a community that argues it is pro-peace, it makes one wonder if words are meaningful when actions are contrary to those words.
I call on all Muslims around the world to crack down on Muslims killing Muslims, and Muslims killing infidels. This is not civilized and cannot be negotiated with. Only other Muslims can force their brethren to value free speech and opposing opinions, even objectionable ones...especially objectionable ones.Staff2010-09-22T20:42:10ZNeeding Some Girl and Guy TimeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Needing-Some-Girl-and-Guy-Time/123.html2010-09-21T21:11:30Z2010-09-21T21:11:30Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>If you've been in a steady relationship or a long marriage, you realize the value of having some "girl time" or "guy time:"
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NahD31gClAw" target="_blank">
</a>Staff2010-09-21T21:11:30ZShort-Term Thrill, Long-Term PainStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Short-Term-Thrill,-Long-Term-Pain/124.html2010-09-20T21:07:55Z2010-09-20T21:07:55Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I can't get one recent caller out of my head. A young married woman had her and her husband's friends (another married couple) come live with them and pay rent for a room in their home. The married friend and her husband were living with the bride's mommy because they could not afford to take care of themselves. The caller and her husband "took pity" on them and provided them a room. The caller was upset because the friend wouldn't sign a contract concerning neatness and other items.
I was upset because our whole country's economy has collapsed under the weight of people "drinking wine before its time" (if you remember an old Orson Welles commercial). What I mean by this is: if you can't afford it, you can't have it until such time as you've
earned
it.
Another young caller got married secretly to her "shack-up" because she wanted to be married "now!" Parents, relatives and friends were excluded. And now, she's got to 'fess up that she didn't want to "earn" their approval for her marital choice. She just jumped right into it.
It's all the same phenomenon: investing in things and people before you know what you're doing, and before you're able to handle the issues with sufficient resources.
It may give a moment's thrill to have powered through and gotten what you wanted, but then the realities hit, and you're left with a mortgage you can't afford, a spouse you barely know, and situations you really can't handle. Short-term thrill, long-term pain.
I remember when I was on local radio in Los Angeles at night, and my ratings went through the roof. One out of every four people listening to radio at that time were listening to my program. I got a wonderful bonus, and I asked my husband if I could use a small part of it to get one of those tennis bracelets - you know, a string of tiny diamonds. He got one for me, and I was thrilled to no end; not so much because I owned some little diamonds, but because it represented
earning
something by working very hard. I would take care of my son Deryk all day, and then drive to the radio station to be on the air, then come home at 2 AM to get up at 6AM to start my day again.
Things don't matter much if they don't represent something.
So slow down, build, earn, and
then
you can really enjoy.Staff2010-09-20T21:07:55ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/125.html2010-09-18T00:44:05Z2010-09-18T00:44:05Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
- Mohandas Gandhi
Political and spiritual leader of India
1869-1948Staff2010-09-18T00:44:05ZMy Ride With A Gold Star MomStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/My-Ride-With-A-Gold-Star-Mom/126.html2010-09-16T22:17:38Z2010-09-16T22:17:38Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Last Saturday, September 11, I was one of about 1000 motorcycle riders participating in "Ride to the Flags," from Ventura Country to Malibu, California, where a display of almost 3000 flags will honor the lives lost to Islamic suicide bombers on September 11, 2001. The ride was hosted by the Gary Sinise Charitable Foundation, and the proceeds go to the children of those who lose their lives in the service of our country's defense against terrorism. Pre-ride entertainment was offered by Glen Campbell, and Ann-Margret (a veteran of Vietnam-era USO entertainment) was there to send us all off with her kind words of love and support.
It was a fascinating experience. This was the first major ride I'd done, and I'd never before witnessed over 1000 bikers and their spouses get together and mingle. I pointed out to my friend Patrick (a Harley newbie) and my husband (a Harley veteran) how affectionate the couples were. There were scores of husbands and wives, quite seasoned by time and riding, all in leather, chains, boots, head scarves and chaps, holding hands and wrapping arms around each other. The amount of affection between couples was mirrored by the affection between "regular folks" - mostly strangers to one another. It was the friendliest assemblage I'd ever had the pleasure to be with.
I was chatting with one woman who'd come over to introduce herself as a fan of my radio program. Later, one of the organizers came to me and asked me if I'd be willing to ride a Gold Star mom on my bike. For those of you who don't know, a Gold Star mom is one who has lost her military child in the war on international terror. I, of course, agreed on the spot, saying I'd be honored. Well, who walked over to my bike but the mom I'd been chatting with. I had no idea she had lost her child, and I just about collapsed in a heap of sobs.
As we rode through the windy mountain roads, I was very aware I had treasured cargo behind me on my bike. It never left my mind she had produced a warrior who gave his life for me and you and every American. As I have a son who was also in combat in Afghanistan, I kept thinking I could have been one of those moms, instead of one who is anxiously awaiting her son's visit in a month or so. I felt so bad for her, and worked so hard to drive the bike perfectly around those curves so as not to worry her. When we reached Malibu, I hugged her and said,
"What can I say? I am your friend."
We exchanged email addresses, and she will forward me a photo of us taken on my bike before the ride. I'll post it on my website.
I considered her "hallowed ground," and that is why I can't understand why the Imam who wants to place a mosque near Ground Zero doesn't get
that
is hallowed ground as well.
I was honored to take care of a Gold Star mom - a mom who made the ultimate sacrifice, not willingly, but nobly nonetheless.Staff2010-09-16T22:17:38ZDon't Rescue Out-Of-Control KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dont-Rescue-Out-Of-Control-Kids/127.html2010-09-15T21:54:42Z2010-09-15T21:54:42Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Many modern parents have a very bad habit of coddling their children, ultimately turning them into out-of-control monsters.
Here's one scenario: a driver in Florida left the keys in the ignition and the engine running of his 1966 Acura Integra to run inside an Italian restaurant to pick up a take-out order. That was just too much temptation for a 17 year old, who with his 14 year old buddy, jumped in the car and drove away. He was followed by owner in a separate car, police were called, a description went out and the two were apprehended post haste.
At the 17 year old's hearing, his mother told the court his father was serving with the military in Iraq and, basically, her boy was out of control. The judge set his bail at $25,000, pending trial for felony charges of possession of a stolen vehicle, and a misdemeanor battery charge and several traffic citations. His mother informed the judge she, indeed, did have the money to meet bail, but she wanted him to stay locked up.
The judge said: "I want to know why there are not more parents like this. I applaud her for her truthfulness." As her errant teen was hauled off to the holding cell, Mom told him "You think about that, while your Dad's in Iraq!"
This mother
did just the right thing
. Her son will suffer the ugly consequences of his disrespectful, out-of-control, arrogant behavior, and it will make an impact. If he is rescued by Mama with bail and a manipulative lawyer who will say the kid is upset because his dad is in combat, this boy will be further lost into the
"Lord of the Flies"
scenario.
I remember reading Alfred Hitchcock's father arranged for him to stay overnight in a jail cell in their English town. This was entirely prophylactic, as he hadn't done anything wrong. Hitchcock reported being so very scared he never, never, never did anything which would get him back there for real.
Hopefully, this young man will have the same reaction, or he'll be back for a longer stay next time.Staff2010-09-15T21:54:42ZWell, So n So's Mom Let's Me Do ItStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Well,-So-n-Sos-Mom-Lets-Me-Do-It/128.html2010-09-15T05:13:22Z2010-09-15T05:13:22Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Sometimes, children who have been adopted fantasize about being with their birth family. That's what's happening to a worried listener:
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9ybPbDOa2M">
</a>Staff2010-09-15T05:13:22ZLive Life With RelishStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Live-Life-With-Relish/129.html2010-09-13T23:30:17Z2010-09-13T23:30:17Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Recently, I received some very bad news about a friend. A year ago, she was diagnosed with lung cancer. She never smoked and was very physically active, religious, positive personality and never even used a curse word.
I called her every day as she went through surgery and chemo.
It looked like all was good. But it wasn't, and it isn't.
This cancer is aggressive, and spread even in the soup of strong chemotherapy. Now they've told her they cannot operate. She will have radiation every day for seven weeks and then be on chemo daily for the rest of her life.
Then they told her what her life would be like: the esophagus is probably going to be severely impacted, she'll experience nausea, acne, and on and on.
She told me she was going to fight and win this and just tolerate whatever comes.
I'm going to be calling her every day again.
I left the conversation feeling deeply sick to my stomach. I had to go do a buoy race in my sailboat. I got to the boat later than usual, and felt bad doing something so frivolous when my friend may be dying.
We started the race, and not one of the seven of us onboard noticed the course we were supposed to take. That meant we had no idea (in the midst of a dozen possible combinations) where we were going. But it was a beautiful, cool night with a gentle breeze with some puffs to keep the boat going.
I didn't care we didn't know where we were going. Usually, I would be pretty annoyed we were competing with that kind of stupid handicap.
It was something my friend had said:
"I think everybody should have a 'bucket list,'"
meaning we should live each day fully, assuming that is the only day we have left.
I was out on the ocean among friends, in the cool of the early evening, sailing along in the rolling ocean. What a blessing. I asked the crew to vote each time we rounded a buoy as to what the next one
probably
was. We guessed wrong, and went from first place to last place as we went further out to sea toward a buoy we weren't supposed to go around. I said to the crew
"It doesn't matter....we know we were first, and now we're having a beautiful sail out here almost alone, while getting in more practice. All is good."
My tactician, who was nervous that he would get in trouble for forgetting to note the course, had to be calmed down. I told him
"What does it really matter? What matters is that we're all having a great time and actually doing a great job."
And even though I'm a "Type A" personality, I meant it.
I don't think I've had a more satisfying finish to a buoy race....ever.
Life is for the living and should be lived with relish. When people are fighting for their lives, it points out how precious life is, so
no one
should waste any of it.
And so many people do waste it by holding grudges, not letting go of past hurts, holding themselves back from happiness because of anger or fears, letting disappointments and frustrations consume them, using drugs, being drunk, sitting in front of a TV or computer screen playing games alone, and more.
I still feel sick to my gut that someone so kind and sweet is facing this cancer horror. I am in awe of her attitude, and grateful for the reminder.
Here she is, facing sickness and pain every day, yet she says she wakes up every day grateful for another day.
We should not all wait for cancer in order to do the same thing.Staff2010-09-13T23:30:17ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/130.html2010-09-13T20:35:19Z2010-09-13T20:35:19Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>There is no medicine to cure hatred
- Publilius Syrus
This weekend, remember those who were lost on September 11, 2001.Staff2010-09-13T20:35:19Z"I'm Offended" Becomes A War CryStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Im-Offended-Becomes-A-War-Cry/131.html2010-09-10T05:05:37Z2010-09-10T05:05:37Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Those of you who listen regularly to my radio program know I am
big
on tolerance. For example, I tell callers who are bemoaning a parent or other relative's annoying behavior to play "Stepford" human being and just smile and be nice. If, however, that relative is evil, now
that's
not to be tolerated. But being annoyed or likewise offended by stupid comments, quirky behavior, irritating demands, or odd habits is a waste of time and emotion. Everyone has his or her quirks. And when you live in a country like the United States of America - a salad of cultures and personalities with the freedom of self-expression - there's always going to be something to be surprised or offended by.
Unfortunately, it seems that America is evolving into a"not offended zone." If anyone feels their feathers ruffled, well, many seem to think the world should stop spinning on its axis out of respect for their momentary discomfort. This would be just silly and funny, if it were not a growing danger.
Let me give you recent examples of this situation. These examples range from the ridiculous and silly to terrifyingly evil.
First, the principal of Chesterfield Elementary School in Missouri sent a letter to all parents on August 13th which said "singing 'Happy Birthday' is not permitted due to the sensitivity of all student beliefs."
What? You can't possibly be sensitive to
all
student beliefs. You should expect students to be sensitive to the fact other people have beliefs. They should be taught not to make fun of other students' beliefs, but they sure as heck should not be taught to give up their own beliefs simply because another student can't or won't share that belief.
I remember one rabbi telling me his small son was invited to a birthday party for a friend, but the birthday party was at a fast-food hamburger place, and this rabbi and his family were kosher. That meant the boy couldn't eat ANYTHING at the birthday party. Did the rabbi condemn the party's location? No. Did the rabbi tell his son he couldn't go? No. He packed his son a kosher lunch and sent him off with a present for the birthday child. He was teaching his son
two
things: 1) keep to your own beliefs no matter where you are, and 2) allow others to do the same. Now
that's
tolerance. Tolerance is not forsaking your own values because someone else is offended.
Fortunately, enough parents at Chesterfield Elementary School rose up and cried "foul," and the principal backed off.
Next example: there's a blog called "Love Affair with Gossip," and it's written by someone who calls herself "BuggyGirl." Here's what she wrote:
Last night, my family and I went to the Olive Garden for my birthday dinner. Anyhoo, it came time for them to bring the cake out and sing 'Happy Birthday.' The server informed us that the Olive Garden staff could no longer participate in the ritual of singing 'Happy Birthday' because some patrons had complained that singing by the staff was disturbing their meals.
How long does it take to sing "Happy Birthday?" Six, seven seconds? So, some grouchy people don't like to hear six or seven seconds of cheer for someone else, and the cheer has to stop? Who is the Grinch who stole birthday? Also, let's take a vote: will most people stop going to a restaurant
because
"Happy Birthday" is sung? Or because it is
not
?
Yes, I understand these are stupid calls, but they also lead to dangerous ones that unfortunately promise the tyranny of those who proclaim being offended.
Here's where it has already gone: far worse, far more serious is the reaction of a Muslim cleric who is running for parliament in Afghanistan - the country we are supposedly trying to liberate from the Taliban and Al Qaeda; the country which owes its current levels of freedom to our troops (my son having been one of them); the country which, 10 years ago, did not allow girls to go to school; the country which stoned women for showing their faces. That country.
Mohammad Mukhtar, a cleric and candidate for the Afghan parliament in the September 18th election, in reaction to the news reports of the September 11th Koran burning set to take place at a Florida church said:
"It is the duty of Muslims to react. When their holy book Quran gets burned in public, then there is nothing left. If this happens, I think the first and most important reaction will be that wherever Americans are seen, they will be killed. No matter where they will be in the world, they will be killed."
And we all know these people follow through.
So, here's my question: how come all the attention in our news media goes to a guy who wants to burn a book, and no attention whatsoever goes to a candidate for the Afghan government who calls for all Americans - that's you, me, and our children - to be killed?
I do not believe in burning books. I do believe I want to live in a country where if you burn a book, the response is not the death penalty for a third of a billion human beings.
I can understand Muslims being offended at having their holy book burned. I'm not Catholic, and I'm offended at art shows in San Francisco displaying a crucifix upside down in a jar of urine. My right as an American is not to attend and not to support such vulgarity with public funds. However, when "I'm offended" becomes the war cry for censorship and mass murder, then we have allowed people to manipulate and twist the sentiment of offense and tolerance into a tool for murderous tyranny.Staff2010-09-10T05:05:37ZThe Peaks and Valleys of ChangingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Peaks-and-Valleys-of-Changing/132.html2010-09-08T22:09:46Z2010-09-08T22:09:46Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Whenever we change a behavior (i.e., developing an exercise program, working at losing weight) it's not uncommon to start out all "gung-ho" and then slip back into old habits. That's the challenge facing one listener:
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1sENH16ulE" target="_blank">
</a>Staff2010-09-08T22:09:46ZThe Thought Police Are Coming For YouStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Thought-Police-Are-Coming-For-You/133.html2010-09-08T04:24:28Z2010-09-08T04:24:28Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I've been sitting "shiva" for the past four weeks after I issued my apology for using a word on this radio program that I should not have used.
I've let the hounds of fury misinterpret and misrepresent my apology, as well as my decision to end my syndicated radio program at the end of the year. I've been asked why didn't I strike back? Frankly, with folks like Al Sharpton and Howard Stern and Wanda Sykes and organizations like Media Matters, the NAACP, and the Urban League (to name only a few) pelting me with insults, calling me a racist, saying "good riddance".....it was hard to get a word in edgewise.
But after my vacation, I'm all refreshed, and now it's time to start putting a little civility back into this debate and clear up a couple of misconceptions.
First: I am not leaving my radio program to be free to say the "N word." A lot of folks out there have reported that that is my intent! That when I said I wanted my First Amendment rights back, it was for the right to say that word. Can you believe that? That's wrong! You won't hear that word out of my mouth.
Second: While I said something that offended some people, I took ownership of it. I apologized (as you folks who listen to me every day know) and accepted responsibility - something others who are now attacking me have not done in their own lives, or don't do until their PR agency tells them "You better!" so they go into rehab and all is forgiven.
Just this past week, Wanda Sykes was on Larry King. Wanda Sykes (I call her an "offensive comedienne") was the one who last year "joked" in front of President Obama that she hoped Rush Limbaugh's kidneys would fail. I find
that
incredibly offensive - i.e., to wish someone sickness and death. She never apologized for that, and she was never asked to apologize for that. She referred to Rush Limbaugh as the "20th hijacker" - again, I find that offensive and she never apologized.
Well, on Larry King, Larry asked her to "weigh in" about me. I don't know why Larry would do this, or why Wanda is an expert on me, but that's TV. It's all about ratings. So Larry asked Wanda about me, and this is what Wanda said (I'm quoting):
"I didn't know that black people ever called her show or even listened to her show. Black people don't listen to Dr. Laura. That's a white people thing. That's a white people thing."
Personally, I find that an offensive comment, and perhaps even a racist one. It makes an assumption about a group of people, and that's what racism is. More importantly, it's an
inaccurate
comment. Contrary to Wanda's uninformed opinion, I get calls and letters every day from people of all colors.
Now, I don't see the Urban League, NAACP and Media Matters trying to shut down Wanda Sykes, who represents blacks badly, and I don't see them demanding advertisers boycott her TV shows or asking stations and networks to punish her. But you
do
see those organizations mobilizing to shut me down, shut down Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Andrew Breitbart - shut us all down, because we say something that apparently offends them. No, it's really about
disagreeing
with them.
I was very pleased to see this posting on the University of North Carolina School of Journalism and Mass Communications website. This was put there by UNC Professor of Journalism Leroy Towns, a professor and research fellow. On August 19 - two days after I appeared on Larry King - Professor Towns wrote this:
Make Sure Your Attitude is Politically Correct
Here's further evidence the right of free speech is being replaced by The Right Not to Be Offended.
Talk show host Laura Schlessinger used the N-word (that's the media-inspired euphemism for the real word) several times in her radio show. She immediately came under attack from the ultra-liberal group Media Matters and from critics in the media. So she apologized and quit her radio show.
[Now even Professor Towns got the facts slightly wrong. I apologized. Then I was attacked, and then I announced I am leaving my radio show. Now back to Professor Towns.]
That wasn't good enough for Media Matters, according to the Associated Press:
''Media Matters' Ari Rabin-Havt said the apology wasn't accepted because his group was concerned about Schlessinger's overall attitudes toward race, more than just the N-word. And those attitudes weren't addressed in the apology, he said.
There you have it. Got attitude? The thought police are coming for you. Posted by Leroy Towns.
"The right of free speech is being replaced by the right not to be offended." That's pretty serious stuff. And it doesn't start with the government. It starts when small interest groups - groups that are supported and aided by political parties - decide
they
are the guardians of what is "politically correct." That's how it started in Germany. That's how it started in Communist China. That's how it is right now in Iran.
So when I speak about leaving syndicated radio at the end of the year to regain my ability to speak freely, it is so I can speak freely without worry of saying something that will offend or disagree with some group of people (disagreement is offensive to some groups of people) and then having the collateral damage of advertisers, agencies and radio stations being threatened and attacked for supporting me.
So, I will stand on my own, ready for the slings and arrows, because I'm committed to helping you folks do and be better in your lives.
I want to emphasize one more time that what I've been dealing with for the past 30 years in the public arena are activist groups and politically motivated individuals taking exception to my differing point of view, who reframe it as "she's offensive." Whether it's my opinion on abortion, day care, "shack-ups," intentionally having babies out-of-wedlock, time and again, people pretend to take offense at my opinion, but, in reality, merely want to shut down an opposing point of view.
And I promise you, I may be standing on my own, but I won't be shut down.Staff2010-09-08T04:24:28ZMarriage, Money and MayhemStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Marriage,-Money-and-Mayhem/134.html2010-09-07T02:00:50Z2010-09-07T02:00:50Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>It turns out that there is such a thing as "financial infidelity."
According to the CESI Debt Solutions company,
80%
of spouses lie about spending.20% of spouses have a secret credit card and don't tell their spouses either to avoid an argument, or because they're desperately trying to pay it off before they are found out.
34.5% have spent on clothing and accessories (sounds like the wife)
24% have spend on food and dining (the husband with his buddies or a honey?)
19.5% have spent on beauty and personal care items (the wife again)
16.5% have spent on gifts (could be both - the wife for family members; the husband for a honey).
13.5% have spent on alcohol (could be both husband and wife again).
The least prevalent answers were spending money on dating website subscriptions and illegal drugs.
All in all, this deplorable situation has to do with people getting married without being terribly mature, and without taking their vows of becoming ONE seriously. Squirreling money aside because it is not frittered away on grocery shopping or unnecessary clothing shopping so that it can be spent on some fun stuff is called
budgeting
and not betrayal.
I was very disappointed to learn that so many people treat their spouses like a strict parent instead of a life love and partner.
Today, own up about the spending. Apologize, take your lumps (you earned them), stop cheating and lying about money (it's also stealing) and whatever bad behaviors go along with it, and work together with your spouse on the economics of life.
Feel like a team. Behave as though you love and trust him/her. Be a woman/man of character.Staff2010-09-07T02:00:50ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/135.html2010-09-03T03:26:13Z2010-09-03T03:26:13Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Without labor, nothing prospers
- Sophocles
Ancient Greek tragedianStaff2010-09-03T03:26:13ZEnvy is the Root of Some EvilStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Envy-is-the-Root-of-Some-Evil/136.html2010-09-02T06:41:30Z2010-09-02T06:41:30Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The issue of envy is so important it made it into the Ten Commandments, worded as "thou shalt not covet..."
Unfortunately, it is probably the most abused of the Commandments and a major human vice, leading to a heck of a lot of misery for those who simply have worked hard to attain whatever they have and whoever they've become.
I get irritated when people either "luck" into good fortune or abuse values and slip into good fortune anyway. I never have a problem, however, with someone (whether I like them or not) who has worked hard and is earning whatever it is they have. I admire and respect hard work. It's as simple as that.
What pains me down to my gut is hearing, watching and often experiencing the viciousness that erupts from envy: 1) feeling entitled without making the effort; 2) begrudging the hard-earned success of others and doing something to hurt them.
Starting rumors about the person you envy just to besmirch their reputation, actively undermining their progress, nastily talking "smack" about them, being mean to them....all that energy should be put into making more of
yourself
. Your value in the world is not predicated on them going under. Your value to others is based on the light
you
shine, not the effort you make to dim the light of others.
It is a waste of your life and energy and potential to be mean about someone else's success and happiness. Use all of that energy to face your own fears or laziness and do it yourself.Staff2010-09-02T06:41:30ZLoneliness Is A Voluntary ConditionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Loneliness-Is-A-Voluntary-Condition/137.html2010-09-02T05:23:14Z2010-09-02T05:23:14Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Social isolation [loneliness] is as bad for your health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, being an alcoholic, not exercising, and twice as harmful as obesity.
Bottom line: The lack of social support should be added to the short list of risk factors for an early grave.
This analysis comes from scientists at Brigham Young University in Utah.
"When someone is connected to a group and feels responsibility for other people, that sense of purpose and meaning translates to taking better care of themselves, and taking fewer risks."
Relationships help buffer negative/stressful events in life, helping us cope during difficult times and celebrating our joys and successes.
The link between living longer and having social connections (friends and family, as well as marriage and children) remained even after the researchers took into account the sex, initial health and cause of death of those in the study. The negatives
and
positives of relationships are all averaged together.
People who never marry are more likely to die young than those who marry or divorce.
I am always telling people to stay married for the sake of the children. Many either don't care or discount the impact of divorce on children. If you won't stay together for the sake of the children, then stay together for yourself - you will live longer!
Human beings need relationships to keep them healthy. We're not talking about friends of the social-networking variety. These drive-by, so-called friendships lack the depth and texture of real, one-on-one committed caring and caretaking.
So remember that people with greater social relationships are 50 per cent more likely to live longer than those who don't invest in relationships. And, of course, those social relationships make life more interesting, sweet, touching, and meaningful.Staff2010-09-02T05:23:14ZHelp! My Teen Is a Pain in the Neck!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Help!--My-Teen-Is-a-Pain-in-the-Neck!/138.html2010-09-01T04:27:24Z2010-09-01T04:27:24Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>One day your children are cuddling up in your lap, and the next day they don't want to have anything to do with you. That's the behavior that's puzzling a listener who wrote about his teenage daughter:
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cQQipUBZxU" target="_blank">
</a>Staff2010-09-01T04:27:24ZTexting As An ObsessionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Texting-As-An-Obsession/139.html2010-08-31T06:30:19Z2010-08-31T06:30:19Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I remember when people wrote long, heartfelt letters in longhand. Then came the typewriter, which helped us lose the beauty of the handwritten word with lovely penmanship. Then the telephone came along, where early "party lines" enabled snoopy neighbors to overhear your spoken sentiments. After that, we had the fax machine which cut out the middleman in quick delivery. Then emails quickly took control - you could write and write and get an almost instant response. No waiting in anticipation at your mailbox for weeks hoping for that personal connection you started and which you hoped would be closed with a return missive.
And now we have devolved even more into text messaging. Now, don't get me wrong - I text message about five times each day, on average. I do it for a quick alert - it's better than hawks or carrier pigeons. As far as interpersonal
intimacy
is concerned, however, there is none, except for "sexting," which is anything
but
cherished intimacy.
A survey on the website mashable.com highlighted this ever-diminishing level of interest in true personal contact and showed:
For people under the age of 25:
49% think it's perfectly okay to text while eating
24%....while using the toilet
10%...while having sex [not to be confused with real sexual intimacy]
For people over the age of 25:
27% think it's okay to text while eating
12%...while using the toilet
6% ...while having sex.
This brings multi-tasking to a new low.
I realize the younger generation believes valuing certain things like privacy and modesty is "old fashioned," and these sorts of compulsive texting practices are harmless and they don't see themselves as rude, inconsiderate or clueless, but when they turn 40 and have children, it's amazing how many of them finally see the negativity in diminishing true intimacy and needing incessant and relatively meaningless interaction just for the sake of thinking they're important, or because they don't want a moment of "boredom," or because they're just making a frantic attempt to distract themselves from life's responsibilities, obligations, challenges and fears.
Not being able to concentrate fully on
one
task,
one
in-depth interaction/conversation,
not
seeing important life experiences as serious and sacred is a
problem
.
Parents with minor children have a responsibility to help children curb their out-of-control impulses, whatever they are. Make sure you have a contract with your phone provider that allows for up to 10-15 texts per day instead of the average of 100 texts per day kids are doing now. Have them pick and choose what is most important to them to use up those precious texts. Have them learn something about prioritizing and budgeting and making choices using some deep thought.
Parents, this is YOUR JOB: to teach your children to moderate behavior in appropriate ways, or else you turn out-of-control children into out-of-control adults, for whom a million texts will be the way they measure their worth and their daily happiness.Staff2010-08-31T06:30:19ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/140.html2010-08-31T06:17:02Z2010-08-31T06:17:02Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Education is not the filling of a bucket, but the lighting of a fire.
-
William Butler Yeats
Irish poet and dramatist
Winner of the 1923 Nobel Prize for Literature
1865-1939Staff2010-08-31T06:17:02ZShooting Pool is Great TherapyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Shooting-Pool-is-Great-Therapy/141.html2010-08-27T02:21:54Z2010-08-27T02:21:54Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I've been taking lessons in shooting pool now each week for two years. My teacher, Al Vafa, is a pro: an interesting, funny, smart, thoughtful guy, and a magnificent pool player.
If I am in the right mindset, the average "not that serious" pool player would have a hard time beating me. Again, that is
if I am in the right mindset
. It took the better part of the first year of lessons to stop saying "I suck," to stop crying, getting angry, and even once actually breaking my costly pool cue.
This was not just about pool. This was a metaphor for my life. My dad was ferocious with me. I remember the day before a science project was due for a school science fair, I went into the back yard, picked out some flowers, pulled them apart, glued them onto a poster board, and named all the parts. It wasn't very neat, and it wasn't very brilliant, but it was something to hand in so I wouldn't get into trouble. My dad came home, took one look at it, and went ballistic. I was up most of the night with him, tears streaming down my face the whole time, redoing the project in HIS image.
The next day at the science fair, when the judges came to my "perfect" project, I said...nothing. They asked me questions. I remained silent. They prodded me some more, but I remained silent. Finally, writing on their pads, they moved on.
One of my teachers called my parents that night to find out what in the heck was wrong.
My dad, furious we had done all that work and then I hadn't presented it properly, demanded to know why I said nothing. Fearfully, I answered, "Because it wasn't mine." I honestly don't remember what he said after that, but this was the atmosphere during all my "growing-up" years.
Two things came from that experience: one really good, and one really bad.
The really good part was I became highly motivated to prove to him I wasn't "stupid" (as he constantly called me). That gave me self-motivation and a drive to work very, very hard.
The really bad part was I found it hard to forgive myself the realities of a learning curve (i.e., it takes time to master things). I was hard on myself when I couldn't do well quickly.
What does this have to do with shooting pool? It has been magnificent therapy.
After the breaking of the cue stick, I struggled to remove my emotions and accept the learning curve and the reality even pros miss sometimes. I learned my mind had to be clear of self-recrimination in order for my body and brain to work on the strokes. I learned I could have fun while not being perfect (something my dad never learned in his life).
I also got this lesson from learning how to sail: doing my job (steering) and working with a team (the boat's crew).
This is one reason hobbies are so important: they help you learn life lessons in a safer environment.
I am grateful for all the friends and teachers who have helped me appreciate life more and enjoy myself in a deeper way.Staff2010-08-27T02:21:54ZNew Town? New School? Feeling Like the Oddball Out?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/New-Town-New-School-Feeling-Like-the-Oddball-Out/142.html2010-08-25T05:43:50Z2010-08-25T05:43:50Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>When you're the new kid in town, or the new family on the block, there's a way to overcome the awkwardness of not knowing anyone:
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TeXZCqhh7Vk" target="_blank">
</a>Staff2010-08-25T05:43:50ZGeorge Stephanopoulos Got It WrongStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/George-Stephanopoulos-Got-It-Wrong/143.html2010-08-25T04:16:32Z2010-08-25T04:16:32Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I know there are some people listening right now who are tuning into my show for the first time because maybe you've heard some things about me in the past couple of weeks. I'd like to correct some myths you might have heard. First of all, I am not now... nor have I ever been... related to the vampires of Transylvania. I only bite when asked.
If you watched
Larry King last Tuesday
, then you heard I'll be ending my national radio show in December after 17 years. Seventeen years. Well, I never got the criticism I couldn't hold down a job.
Oh, I'm sorry. Actually, I'm wrong. Because last Wednesday - the morning after I was on Larry King... George Stephanopoulos... does everyone know who he is? He used to work for the government? George Stephanopoulos? Well, he now has a full-time job on "Good Morning America." And last Wednesday he had this to say about me leaving radio. Benjamin....roll tape.
SFX:
"Well, she had no choice. She was fired, right?"
(gunshot sound)
I'm sorry, could you say that again, George?
SFX:
"Well, she had no choice. She was fired, right?"
(gunshot sound)
I'd like to make it clear for the record and for those of you who are .... Confused. I own my own company. I own me. The only person who can fire me... is me. And I didn't fire me.... (pause)
I just gave myself 4 months notice.
Honestly, I didn't hear about George's little SNAFU until this morning. But my staff heard about his gaffe last week. So they called ABC and - the network George is on... they called ABC and asked "Did we hear that right?" And "Would you mind issuing a correction?"
And the producer at ABC was very nice. She seemed to understand George had made an error... a factual mistake on a news show... and she would see what George and ABC would do about it. So here it is, a whole week later. Can I tell you what they've done about it?
SFX:
(Sound of crickets)
Nothing!!
Let me get this straight. You make a factual mistake. You know it's a factual mistake. You are asked to correct your factual mistake... And a week later...
SFX:
(Sound of crickets)
Hmmmmm...
My guess is they think nobody heard it, so therefore... it doesn't matter.
You know... if a tree falls in the woods and no-one's around? If a newscaster makes a mistake and he has no ratings???
Well, you know I am a believer in free speech and debate. I just prefer to pontificate myself, but that's just me. So I figured I would let a larger audience hear George's opinion and play it on my show today. Could you play George again, please?
SFX:
"Well, she had no choice. She was fired, right?"
(gunshot sound)
One more time - George's opinion as to why I am leaving radio...
SFX:
"Well, she had no choice. She was fired, right?"
(gunshot sound)
Now that's George's opinion. I was going to be fired. My opinion is I was NOT about to fire myself... It would hurt my feelings.
Now, we're going to play a little game here. If you think ABC and George Stephanopoulos should be accountable and correct their factual error, I want you to let them know since they're a news show. Go to my website:
www.drlaura.com
. You'll see a link to a page where you can
send George and Good Morning America an email
telling them... George Got it Wrong about Dr. Laura. Dr. Laura did not fire herself...
SFX:
"Well, she had no choice. She was fired, right?"
(gunshot sound)
Okay. I am having a little fun here. But I do have a serious point to make. And that is news sources are supposed to be coming forward about facts and not someone's OPINION, AGENDA, GUESS, OR WISHFUL THINKING. The reason most of you (and enough polls have shown this) don't trust news reporting much is because you've realized much of what passes for NEWS these days is IN FACT opinion, agenda, guesses, wishful thinking, or in this case... just wrong.Staff2010-08-25T04:16:32ZSarah Palin Tweets in SupportStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Sarah-Palin-Tweets-in-Support/144.html2010-08-20T23:59:22Z2010-08-20T23:59:22Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>As you know, Tuesday night I announced that I will leave radio at the end of my contract in December so I can speak freely and openly about issues that concern me without fear of retribution against my advertisers and radio stations.
On Wednesday, in her Tweet and Facebook, Sarah Palin made strong statements in my support. You may remember that, two years ago, I was less than enthusiastic when she was selected by John McCain to be his running mate, as my concerns were that having responsibilities for small children should preclude such a decision.
In spite of my criticism at that time, Sarah Palin came out in support of my decision to move on and tweeted this:
Dr.Laura:don’t retreat…reload! (Steps
aside bc her 1st Amend.rights ceased
2exist thx 2activists trying 2silence”isn’t
American,not fair”)
Dr.Laura=even more powerful &
effective w/out the shackles, so watch
out Constitutional obstructionists. And
b thankful 4 her voice,America!
I spoke with her yesterday and told her how impressed I was with her character. You don’t see such character much these days. I believe most folks would have had a more negative approach considering I had not been supportive at that time. But, nope, not Sarah. She is gracious and a woman of principles – no petty reaction.
She and I have a lot in common. We both find ourselves on the receiving end of vitriolic partisan attacks. We both made huge changes in our lives to be able to protect the people we love and have a freer context in which to try to help America’s families.
By the way, we had to end our conversation after a few minutes because she had to get her kidlet off to first day at school. Seriously adorable moment.Staff2010-08-20T23:59:22ZWhat I've Learned From the Events of the Past WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-Ive-Learned-From-the-Events-of-the-Past-Week/145.html2010-08-18T05:06:37Z2010-08-18T05:06:37Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Listen to "What I've Learned From the Events of the Past Week" here
To those of you who are listening right now, I appreciate it. Thank you for tuning in to my show.
Now, last Tuesday I used a word that I had never used before on air. I pulled myself off at the end of the hour. With one hour to go, we played a tape. Truthfully, I was so upset with myself; I was shaking.
That same night I wrote my apology (about 8 o'clock at night). That same evening I gave Don Barrett, who is the publisher of LARadio.com, a statement which he published at 7am the next morning. I got my people up early and put the apology on my blog at 8am. We sent a letter -- sort of - it was an email) to 200,000 members of my online family to let them know that, at noon, that day, I would be issuing an apology. I would fully apologize for saying that word at the top of my show on Wednesday. And if you haven't heard it and would like to hear it, you can, still, because we
posted it
at
www.drlaura.com
.
I have no trouble apologizing when I'm wrong and I never apologize for effect. I apologize ONLY when it is really coming from my heart. In over 30 years in radio this was the first such circumstance and I made the promise that it will never happen again.
Well today it's one day short of a week since I said the word. And I thought, today, I would talk to you about what has happened... and what I have learned.
Now, the day I said the word... I received a variety of emails from listeners. There were many that expressed disappointment. Several said that they felt they would have trouble listening to me again. To each one of those emails, I responded with a personal apology. I even read one of those letters during the on-air apology.
And then, after I apologized, I received more letters. Many asked me why I needed to apologize. A few said they were still upset at what I had done. But most of the letters I received, while expressing dismay with what I did in the first place, were appreciative and gracious, accepting my apology.
I want to make it clear to you that my apology on Wednesday morning didn't have any conditions... it didn't have any hesitation... and I think it's important for everybody to be clear about the sincerity of that apology. It was made while there were absolutely no demands for me to apologize. Nobody had demanded that I apologize. It came from my heart because I knew I had done the wrong thing.
Now, despite all my efforts and sincere desire to express my remorse fully and publicly, it was not until Thursday evening that the news media started getting on the story. Since then I have received support from many of you thanking me for the apology and encouraging me to soldier on.
However, as the media have rebroadcast my error again and again and again and again, compounding the damage which I shouldn't have done... and never intended to do in the first place... the effect has been that my words have offended many, many, many, many more people and there are many who are saying they will not accept my apology.
Now, every time I take a call from one of you and you are upset with yourself that you've done something wrong and you want to make amends, I tell you you have to follow the four "R"'s -
Take Responsibility for your mistake. Make an immediate apology.
Show true Remorse. Don't try to explain away your action or defend it.
Repair what is in your power to Repair.
Make a commitment to never Repeat.
Responsibility
Remorse
Repair
Repeat
Those are my four R's. I've been teaching you guys that for over 30 years that I've been on radio.
But there are things out of my control. There will be people out there who will not accept my apology. And, just like I tell you folks, we can't control that. I can't control that. I hope they will listen to what I have to say, and watch what I do. But the only thing that is in my control is what I say and do.
Now, what makes me sad...what pains my heart deeply...is that, beyond the reasoned letters which I continue to get, I have heard comments from some broadcasters and letters from some people that cannot be described as anything other than hate-filled diatribes. Hate-filled. This does not make me angry, but it hurts my heart.
My hope with my apology, which was true and immediate and uncoerced, was that the silver lining might be that a dialogue be started to stop hate and bigotry. I still hold out some hope... but I am a realist and I fear that there are those who frankly want to encourage hate and anger.
Now, when I first started out in radio, people would disagree...they DISAGREED...they didn't HATE. They didn't try to censor, they didn't try to destroy an opposing point of view. Instead...they just argued and debated, and argued and disagreed, and debated and argued. But our society has changed dramatically. Self-appointed activist types breed hate, breed anger, breed destruction should anyone hold up a mirror or dare to disagree. This environment, as you know, is not only in radio and television...it is in politics; it's in every area of our society...in your neighborhoods, in your school districts, at work...
But for those of you who don't accept my apology, I'd like to say... that's your choice. But I hope, in time, through what I say and what I don't say... through what I do and what I don't do... you'll change your mind.
For those of you who accept my apology: Thank you. And I hope I will continue to earn your good will and grace.Staff2010-08-18T05:06:37ZA True Hero and a Real ManStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-True-Hero-and-a-Real-Man/146.html2010-08-14T06:34:28Z2010-08-14T06:34:28Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Keith McVey lives in Akron, Ohio. He's 53 years old and is a mailman. Everyone in Akron knows him. Recently, he saved the life of another person for the third time in
his
life.
While delivering the mail, he noticed a panicked man trying to revive his unconscious friend at the back of a pickup.
"He said his buddy wasn't breathing,"
explained McVey.
"I thought, well, let's see what's going on. Sometimes you just have to act."
While trained in CPR, McVey had never actually performed it before. He began chest compressions for several minutes, waiting for both a pulse and the paramedics. The unconscious man regained a pulse, the paramedics arrived, and what did McVey do? Not go home; not go to the local TV station to become a star; not hang around for applause.
No....he picked up his mailbag and continued his deliveries.
Why?
"...if I don't finish up, they'd have to take all my mail back,"
he explained.
"I didn't want anybody to have to pick up my slack."
I am not minimizing the CPR part at all - that was truly lifesaving. I am maximizing the humble sense of responsibility that never left his mind. He was going to finish his route, because it was his job and he didn't want to burden or inconvenience someone else. That is the truly heroic part for me. No arrogance, no sense of entitlement, no grabbing at any opportunity to get out of work.
That's a true hero....and a REAL man.Staff2010-08-14T06:34:28ZMy ApologyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/My-Apology/147.html2010-08-14T06:28:29Z2010-08-14T06:28:29Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Listen to "My Apology" here
These are my opening comments from my radio program today:
I talk every day about doing the right thing. And yesterday, I did the wrong thing.
I didn't intend to hurt people, but I did. And that makes it the wrong thing to have done.
I was attempting to make a philosophical point, and I articulated the "n" word all the way out - more than one time. And that was wrong. I'll say it again - that was wrong.
I ended up, I'm sure, with many of you losing the point I was trying to make, because you were shocked by the fact that I said the word. I, myself, realized I had made a horrible mistake, and was so upset I could not finish the show. I pulled myself off the air at the end of the hour. I had to finish the hour, because 20 minutes of dead air doesn't work. I am very sorry. And it just won't happen again.
I received some letters, and what touched me is that, even though many of you were upset, you still showed friendship for all the years we've been together on the air, and for that, trust me, I am very grateful. Here's an example:
I'd like to thank this woman for sending me this letter. I was so very touched, and truthfully, it helped me make it through the night. So I'm going to read this letter:
Dear Dr. Laura:
I have been a listener for at least 20 years. I have bought and read several of your books. I have always held you in high regard, and have encouraged others to listen to you as well. I have to say, after today's call with the African-American woman with the Caucasian husband who called seeking how to handle "racist" comments, I am a bit dismayed. I believe that African-Americans using the n-word is disdainful, as well as Caucasians or any other race for that matter. I agree that the argument some African-Americans use that it is ok for them to use it and not others, is ridiculous. But, I have to say, when I heard you saying the word repeatedly, it struck a negative chord with me.
I don't believe you are a racist, and I don't believe, as an African-American woman, that I am hypersensitive. I have to say after the call, I found it difficult to continue to listen to the rest of the show. I have not made the decision to stop listening to your show, but I felt compelled to respond because I found it offensive.
Sincerely
{and she gives her name}
One last note -
The caller in question (her name is Jade), called for help from me, and didn't get it, because we got embroiled in the "n" word, and I'm really sorry about that, because I'm here for only one reason and that's to be helpful, so I hope Jade or somebody who knows her is listening, and hope she will call me back and I will try my best to be helpful, which is what she wanted from me in the first place and what she did not get.Staff2010-08-14T06:28:29ZYou'll Never Believe What He Did Now...Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Youll-Never-Believe-What-He-Did-Now.../148.html2010-08-14T06:22:35Z2010-08-14T06:22:35Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Staff2010-08-14T06:22:35ZSometimes Kids Are Just Bad SeedsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Sometimes-Kids-Are-Just-Bad-Seeds/149.html2010-08-14T06:20:48Z2010-08-14T06:20:48Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>There seems to be a general unwillingness to point out that some people are just evil. I was frustrated when psychiatrist Keith Ablow wrote an essay on foxnews.com espousing the "understanding" of women and men who prey sexually on children. He "formatted" them all as mentally ill.
I was not frustrated when, years ago, another psychiatrist, answering a question about how the Hillside Strangler could capture, torture, and kill people, answered truthfully that "some people are evil."
Dr. Ablow is dead wrong. Although mental health professionals are trained to see everything through the pink glasses of "kids are bad because their parents are bad," it just ain't true. If you are one of those parents with a belligerent, nasty, uncooperative, petty criminal, drugged-out bummy kid (when your other kids are just fine citizens),
you should not blame yourself
.
We're all impressed when a kid from a really bad home ends up living a quality life - kind, hard-working, and loving. How come we don't recognize the opposite: a really great home can produce a bad kid?
There's no question that parental problems and environment do, of course, impact children, but everyday character traits also have hard-wired genetic components that cannot be remedied by loving parents and a lovely, serene home in the suburbs.
In other words, there
are
bad seeds. Parents frustrated with those children may possibly aggravate the situation, but they didn't create it.
So many people call me who are sad about their recalcitrant adult children. In some cases, you parents have earned that, but sometimes, you just need to shut the door on what is an impossible mission.Staff2010-08-14T06:20:48ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/150.html2010-08-14T06:06:51Z2010-08-14T06:06:51Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>You've made your bed, now go bounce on it.
Peter ScottStaff2010-08-14T06:06:51ZMotivation or Bribe? That's the Question.Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Motivation-or-Bribe---Thats-the-Question./151.html2010-08-14T05:48:27Z2010-08-14T05:48:27Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Staff2010-08-14T05:48:27ZCamaraderieStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Camaraderie/152.html2010-08-14T05:45:30Z2010-08-14T05:45:30Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A few weeks ago, I participated in a 45 mile ocean race with 6 other crew members and a 33-foot boat. There were 10 other competitors in our class. One of them - a very fast boat-had a handicap rating, which meant that we had to beat them by 20 minutes (in a 61/2 hour race).
We did our best and did a good job with tactics and sail changes. But
our
handicap was such that this just wasn't enough.
A big boat from another class was right behind me, bearing down hard, some 13 miles from the finish line. My tactician said "Okay, now I'm going to teach you something new." He had me maneuver the boat so they'd go under me (meaning I was between the wind and the other boat) so I would not slow down in their wind shadow. Once they almost passed me, and I turned the boat down to catch their wake. Evidently, this is the "on the water" version of what bicyclists do when they follow another closely - it actually makes you go faster! And it worked, because, suddenly, I was going a knot faster. The waves were big, fast, and furious. It took a lot of strength on my part to keep my boat directly behind the bigger boat and stay in their wake. I stayed in his wake for 8 miles and 1 hour. When the wind died down a bit, his boat took off, and I was back to just being a small boat in the race.
The guys in front on my boat were getting soaked and when one more huge wave actually broke over the boat, I too was soaked. One of them leaned back and said sympathetically, "Oh, did you get wet Doc?" I said "Yes," as I spit out salt water. As if orchestrated, they all turned and said simultaneously: "Awwwwwwwwww." It was hilarious, and it felt great. The team was working together, kidding each other in the heat of battle, and I just loved it!
When we docked, we all got off the boat extremely wet and all body parts hurting. We all moaned and groaned as I said "Whose stupid idea was this?" Again, they all turned, laughing, and pointed at me. We hit the restrooms and cleaned up, and then went out to dinner to celebrate a job well done...done as a team, and done with humor.
We were at the restaurant toasting each other and laughing and throwing food down with passion, when we realized we were happy and didn't even know if we had won anything in the race or not. That was the best part - that we didn't need a "win" to enjoy our camaraderie and our time out on the ocean.
It wasn't until the next day that we discovered we had won the race by (remember, this was a 45 mile race that took 6 1/2 hours).....TWO SECONDS! Bless that big boat's wake! We were all stunned at the result. Whew! But even without the win, we had a great time together facing the elements.Staff2010-08-14T05:45:30ZFriendship Should Not Be UnconditionalStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Friendship-Should-Not-Be-Unconditional/153.html2010-08-14T04:27:04Z2010-08-14T04:27:04Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I don't subscribe to unconditional relationships, whether they are by blood, geography, gender, race, religion, or friendship.
Recently, I had a situation in my personal life that brought this concept to the fore. I (and others) had gotten deeply involved with a lovely person who was in a destructive relationship. When it broke up...again...we were all asked to be supportive, and we were (with phone calls, visits, dinner, etc.). The relationships all deepened and then this person slipped way backward...again...into a morass of misery. I communicated that I was sad that this had happened, and that I was willing to resume our friendship
after
some time had passed, when the drama was no longer part of the equation.
I heard from this person again, and was informed that the drama was indeed over...finally (one last burp, I guess). This individual did communicate to me about being hurt that my friendship seemed conditional, when it was expected that I would be there through stupid and smart behavior.
I responded that
all
relationships should be conditional - not "hair-trigger" conditional, but conditional nonetheless. I don't want to be Mel Gibson's friend, for example. I am certainly willing to be supportive and helpful, but I don't want to take up time in my life with yo-yo drama. I consider that the other individual has the responsibility to do the work to make themselves healthy and that my support is there lovingly when that is, indeed, the case. Getting one's life on a healthy track is difficult, and I am certainly there to support my friends during that journey. I am
not
there, however, when intentional, self-defeating steps are taken to get back into the problems.
This is the philosophy I espouse on the air. Otherwise, giving support unconditionally is making oneself a patsy and/or a contributor to the ongoing drama and filling one's life with unnecessary turmoil.
Relationships require the honor, integrity and effort of
both
individuals. That should be the condition.
Mistakes? Temporary stupidity? All understandable.
Betrayal of support by giving into weakness? Not so understandable.
You owe those who support you not to give into temptation or weakness, or you will lose the best of them.Staff2010-08-14T04:27:04ZGoing on a Shopping DietStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Going-on-a-Shopping-Diet/154.html2010-08-14T04:05:45Z2010-08-14T04:05:45Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>How many times have you gone into your closet to choose something to wear, and even though your closet is stuffed with things (some still with the tags on them), you've stood there frustrated and yelled: "But I don't have anything to wear!!"
Imagine this: you go to your closet to choose what to wear for the day, and you find only six items. Does that make it easier?
That's the premise behind a recent Web challenge at
sixitemsorless.com
- participants were to go an entire month wearing only six items already found in their closet (not counting underwear or accessories). Nearly 100 people around the country and in Dubai and Bangalore, India took part in this experiment, with a variety of motives, including it being a way to cut back on unnecessary spending, a way to reject fashion trends, and an opportunity to show concern that the mass production and global transportation of increasingly cheap clothing was damaging the environment.
This experiment was billed as a kind of "shopping diet."
Women, in particular, spend inordinate amounts of money each month on trendy (not classic), poorly made, cheap clothes, which are mostly made in Asia. They're disposable wardrobes paid for with precious income.
Check out
your
closet. I'll bet you have things you haven't worn in years, or you have 10 pairs of jeans, when you only wear four of them regularly.
I used to be one of those women. I gave away about a third of my clothes, saving jeweled jeans and leather jackets, because I wear those at public events. I spend most of my time in T-shirts and stretch yoga pants, and when I go out, it's usually in cowboy boots and a denim skirt. "Dressing up" means I choose a blinged-out shirt over a plain one. I will admit, however, to owning way too many
Harley
T-shirts and jackets, but that's my one permitted weakness.
I don't own trendy stuff at all. For several years, those blousy tops that are made to look like maternity tops have been popular, but I've avoided them. I don't like being manipulated by an industry which is there to make billions off a pathetic desire to be "in fashion." Give me a Chanel suit any day - now
that's
eternal class - although I don't own one of those, either.
I suggest you rearrange your closet with
ten
pieces - shirts, pants, skirt, top, shorts - and check yourself out for a month. Does anyone even notice? Do you spend less time struggling with what to wear? Do you find yourself more comfortable than you imagined? Or has way too much of your being and identity been dependent upon how you think you look? It's an interesting self-examination.
I find myself more comfortable when I'm not wasting time and money on frequent trips to clothing stores.
Lately, since I've been scouring thrift stores for items to use for the purses I make (check out
www.topdogcoffeebar.com
), I found two denim skirts that, after figuring out how to transform them into purses) I decided to keep to wear myself. One woman's trash is another woman's treasure, and by buying at most thrift shops, you support charities as well.Staff2010-08-14T04:05:45ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/155.html2010-05-13T08:09:47Z2010-05-13T08:09:47ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:47ZLying to OurselvesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Lying-to-Ourselves/156.html2010-05-13T08:09:46Z2010-05-13T08:09:46Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Some callers to my radio program are amazed when I explain that their situation is entirely of their own making, and don't allow them to complain about someone else as the architect of their situation.Sadly, a typical scenario goes like this: a young woman caller with one or two illegitimate children is shacking up for years and years with a guy who is now out on the dating scene. (Well, why
shouldn't
he date? He's a single man with a consort!). When the young woman protests that they have a "commitment," I ask "What
is
the commitment? Where is it?"
There is no commitment involved in unmarried sex or procreation or cohabitation.
It's all "free-flowing," which is exactly what both paid for when they signed up
to not sign up for any obligation past the feeling of the moment
.The truth about females is that we lie to ourselves when we say we can just "hang out" or have "hook-up level" sex and make babies with someone who says "I love you," but ultimately doesn't walk the talk. We
want
to nest, settle down, and have someone love us and protect us and provide for us, but we
behave
in ways that demonstrate massive denial, insecurity, and a kind of pathetic desperation or downright foolishness.None of this makes a woman feel special, put on a pedestal, valued or really loved. And none of this protects the needs of children. More and more women of late are intentionally having babies without marriage because, in my opinion, they are not competent to provide love and affection and attention to anything outside themselves, and the feminista women around them applaud the "no men" clause. This is atrocious, as it undermines society and puts children in the position of
no daddy
. None of you should show any support for any woman who makes this choice. No support.....and lots of negative judgment. Please.Staff2010-05-13T08:09:46ZFrom an Army MomStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/From-an-Army-Mom/157.html2010-05-13T08:09:45Z2010-05-13T08:09:45ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:45ZThe Courage of Our Public ServantsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Courage-of-Our-Public-Servants/158.html2010-05-13T08:09:45Z2010-05-13T08:09:45Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A few weeks ago, the news replayed and replayed the hotel surveillance video tape of a scene out of Law and Order. A woman was attacked by some creep, and a homeless man went to her rescue. The creep ran away, the woman ran away, and the homeless man lay bleeding to death on the pavement, with at least a dozed people (caught on video) just walking by. One man turned him over, examined him, and then walked away. The homeless man died. He died alone - ignored - and yet, he was a hero for rescuing the woman who was attacked.I am unaware of any follow-up regarding this hero - who he was, his background, his circumstance. There was probably little media interest in a homeless man.Then, soon after, a Vietnam veteran alerted police to a suspicious car in New York City's Times Square. The policeman checked the car and recognized that it was likely a car bomb. The dominoes fell appropriately, with the bomb squad alerted, and everyone evacuated from Times Square.A Pakistani man who got American citizenship decided to kill as many American citizens as possible, because of his radical Muslim beliefs that infidels need eradication. Nice family guy, I'm sure.He failed in his attempt to mass murder American citizens, because a military vet used his training well (many years after the fact), and a policeman did his duty.This story had a happier ending than the first one, because of the training and commitment of those who serve us.Staff2010-05-13T08:09:45ZFacing Your FearsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Facing-Your-Fears/159.html2010-05-13T08:09:44Z2010-05-13T08:09:44Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Recently, on a Friday afternoon, I had an experience which challenged my fears and comfort level. I went out sailing in 20-30 knots of wind, with 6 - 8 foot swells, in a very, very narrow boat only 41 feet long. I have five experienced crew with me. And I was nervous.Believe you me, it is an intimidating experience when a little sailboat is planing at over 20 knots with gusts and crazy waves. You don't have a lot of opportunity to think things through or to hesitate - a five degree wrong move and....WIPEOUT! In the cold water and sloppy big waves, that could mean "man overboard" with the boat temporarily out of control. (
Watch the experience
.)I am learning to skipper a boat under these conditions, where you have to run on "feel" and not so much on thinking things through. I have lots to learn and practice, but whoo hoo! What a ride!In doing this, I faced rational fear and was out of my comfort zone. It took 48 hours for me to come down from that exhilaration. It changes you. I feel proud of myself; I know I'm getting better and better. Facing fears and limitations, while scary, leads to such acceleration in joy of life and a growing self-confidence, that it is more than worth the scary moments.As I keep nagging at you folks, things are scary until they become
familiar
. Practice and forcing yourself to face the experience time and again gives you
familiarity
which gives you confidence, and a natural, free, and legal "high."Staff2010-05-13T08:09:44ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/160.html2010-05-13T08:09:43Z2010-05-13T08:09:43ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:43ZPrincipal Says NO to Social Networks for KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Principal-Says-NO-to-Social-Networks-for-Kids/161.html2010-05-13T08:09:41Z2010-05-13T08:09:41Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I am very happy to tell you about my hero, Anthony Orsini, the principal at Benjamin Franklin Middle School in Ridgewood, New Jersey. He recently sent the following email to all parents of children attending his school:
Dear BF Community:When I arrived in Ridgewood, Facebook did not exist, YouTube did not exist, and MySpace was barely in existence. Formspring (one of the newest Internet scourges, a site meant simply to post cruel things about people anonymously) wasn't even in someone's mind.
In 2010, social networking sites have now become commonplace, and technology use by students is beyond prevalent.
It is time for every single member of the BF community to take a stand!
There is absolutely no reason for any middle school student to be a part of a social networking site!
Let me repeat that - there is absolutely, positively no reason for any middle school student to be a part of a social networking site! None.
5 of the last 8 parents who we have informed that their child was posting inappropriate things on Facebook said their child did not have an account. Every single one of the students had an account.
3 students yesterday told a guidance counselor that their parents told them to close their accounts when the parents learned they had an account. All three students told their parents it was closed. All three students still had an account after telling their parents it was closed.
Most students are part of more than one social networking site.
Please do the following: sit down with your child (and they are just children still) and tell them that they are not allowed to be a member of any social networking site. Today!
Let them know that you will at some point every week be checking their text messages online! You have the ability to do this through your cell phone provider.
Let them know that you will be installing Parental Control software so you can tell every place they have visited online, and everything they have instant messaged or written to a friend. Don't install it behind their back, but install it!
Over 90% of homework does not require the Internet, or even a computer. Do not allow them to have a computer in their room. There is no need.
Know that they can text others even if their phone doesn't have texting capability, either through the computer or through their iPod Touch.
Have a central "docking system," preferably in your bedroom, where all electronics in the home get charged each night, especially anything with a cell or with wi-fi capability (remember when you were in high school and you would sneak the phone into your bedroom at Midnight to talk to your girlfriend or boyfriend all night - now imagine what they can do with the technology in their rooms).
If your son or daughter is attacked through one of these sites or through texting, immediately go to the police! Insist that they investigate every situation. Also, contact the site and report the attack to the site - they have an obligation to suspend accounts, or they are liable for what is written.
We as a school can offer guidance and try to build up any student who has been injured by the social networking scourge, but please insist the authorities get involved.
For online gaming, do not allow them to have the interactive communication devices. If they want to play Call of Duty online with someone from Seattle, fine. They don't need to talk to the person.
The threat to your son or daughter from online adult predators is insignificant compared to the damage that children at this age constantly and repeatedly do to one another through social networking sites or through text and picture messaging.
It is not hyperbole for me to write that the pain caused by social networking sites is beyond significant. It is psychologically detrimental and we will find out it will have significant long-term effects, as well as all the horrible social effects it already creates.
I will be more than happy to take the blame off you as a parent if it is too difficult to have the students close their accounts, but it is time they all get closed and the texts always get checked.
I want to be clear - this email is not anti-technology, and we will continue to teach responsible technology practices to students. They are simply not psychologically ready for the damage that one mean person online can cause, and I don't want any of our students to go through the unnecessary pain that too many of them have already experienced.
Some people advocate that the parents and the school should teach responsible social networking to students because these sites are part of the world in which we live.
I disagree. It is not worth the risk to your child to allow them the independence at this age to manage these sites on their own, not because they are not good kids or responsible, but because you cannot control the poor actions of anonymous others.
Learn as a family about cyber safety together at
www.wiredsafety.org
for your own knowledge. It is a great site. But then do everything I asked in this email - because there really is no reason a child needs to have one of these accounts.
Please take action in your own home today.
Sincerely,
Anthony OrsiniPrincipal, BFMS
Now Principal Orsini is MY kind of principal, and my kind of leader in the community. This should go nationwide. The sites have become a tool for children to do psychological harm to each other; it has become a menace to children. Much of what guidance counselors have to deal with these days regards social networking issues. It is time for you parents to ACT.Staff2010-05-13T08:09:41ZOn Mother's Day, Be There For HerStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/On-Mothers-Day,-Be-There-For-Her/162.html2010-05-13T08:09:40Z2010-05-13T08:09:40ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:40ZHappy Meals Not So HappyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Happy-Meals-Not-So-Happy/163.html2010-05-13T08:09:40Z2010-05-13T08:09:40Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>It appears that McDonald's "Happy Meal" toys and other promotions that come with high-calorie children's meals will soon be banned in parts of California, unless the restaurants in question meet certain nutritional guidelines.In favor of such a ban are public health administrators, parents, and physicians.Opposed to such a ban are fast-food franchisees, other parents, and fans of fast-food toys, who say the promotions are often used to provide Christmas presents for poor children.Physicians point out that the toys are a powerful lure for children, encouraging them to eat unhealthy food, which then helps cause obesity. Many parents buy the unhealthy food for their children specifically because toys come with the meal!Here's my take on this problem:
again, parents are not parenting
.Staff2010-05-13T08:09:40ZThe Amazing Spirit of EnlisteesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Amazing-Spirit-of-Enlistees/164.html2010-05-13T08:09:39Z2010-05-13T08:09:39Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Last week, I attended an event in the beautiful city of Huntington Beach, California. It was the second annual "Battle Shark Challenge" hosted by the United States Army. The Army invited new enlistees from southern California to come to the beach to compete in small groups in such activities as: push ups, sit ups, tug of war, football, Frisbee, rock wall climbing, a 2 mile run, throwing grenades (fake ones, of course) and carrying a "wounded" soldier through a mine field (blindfolded).I participated in
everything
except Frisbee and football. My team of 6 won the push up and sit up contests, and we also won the activity where you had to carry a "wounded" soldier through a mine field. Everyone was blindfolded except the leader who had to give instructions. The first time I played the wounded soldier; the second time I was the leader and we beat the previous best time by over a minute. We lost the tug of war, and I wasn't able to throw my grenade further than the closest-in target. I did the run, however, in less time than that required to qualify for enlisting in the Army, but they still wouldn't take me!It was an amazing experience to meet about 1500 young men and women who are willing to put their lives on the line for you and me. I was impressed by their spirit, tenacity, good humor, self-respect, hard work, and commitment. These are certainly NOT the types of kids who spend their days on Facebook or Twitter. You have to be awed by how unique and special they are.Families came out to show their support, although it was very sad to me when one young woman came up to ask me how to handle her parents, who won't talk to her since she enlisted. They didn't show up for this event either. Shame on them and shame
for
them. They missed an opportunity to see their child elevated in her own spirit and in our eyes. I told her that I'd be her surrogate mother, and that she now owed me a Mother's Day card. We hugged a lot.Frankly, I just wanted to hug them all. I AM the proud mother of an American combat infantryman...very proud. I am saddened for any parent who chooses to shun their child because they've made the selfless choice to defend all Americans.That's why we have to support them all. Whenever you see anybody in uniform, shake their hands, buy them lunch, and/or tell them you're grateful. It DOES mean a lot to them.Staff2010-05-13T08:09:39ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/165.html2010-05-13T08:09:38Z2010-05-13T08:09:38ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:38ZJillian Michaels Is A Big LoserStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Jillian-Michaels-Is-A-Big-Loser/166.html2010-05-13T08:09:37Z2010-05-13T08:09:37Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The biggest loser, in my mind, is Jillian Michaels. Why? Because she is so immersed in the superficiality of LOOKING fabulous that she says in
Women's Health
magazine that she doesn't want to become a biological mother, because
"I can't handle doing that to my body."
Yikes! She can't handle real life? What happens as she ages, and the skin is no longer taut over her muscles? What happens when her metabolism changes with age? Where will her self esteem be then?I'm aggravated that an individual who purports to teach people about body image and self esteem would be so negative about the challenge of getting back in shape after childbearing. I've done it. Millions of women have done it. This is lousy role modeling. She shouldn't be coaching others when she is so profoundly fearful of the challenge to her body with motherhood.Furthermore, she says she's going to adopt. Really? What happens when that kid's body isn't perfect? How is she going to actually mother with her schedule of television shows, DVD shoots, plans for "Losing It With Jillian," and her own television talk show....AND keeping her body perfect?We all put our priorities in different places. Hers is superficial. I am shocked that this doesn't topple her media house. In fact, I think this would be a career killer for someone who is supposed to be an
inspiration
, primarily to women. Go figure.Staff2010-05-13T08:09:37ZHis Heart and Mind Are Somewhere ElseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/His-Heart-and-Mind-Are-Somewhere-Else/167.html2010-05-13T08:09:36Z2010-05-13T08:09:36ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:36ZMake Your Life Better in a MomentStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Make-Your-Life-Better-in-a-Moment/168.html2010-05-13T08:09:36Z2010-05-13T08:09:36Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>How can your life be better in an instant?Believe it or not, I have the answer to that question.Think about something lousy you're experiencing today. Frown.Now, think about something wonderful you're experiencing today. Smile!At any one moment, you get to choose how you're going to react.Here's something to try:Get together with a friend today, and talk ONLY about things that elevate both your souls and your spirits. No whining about your lives, no talking smack about other people, no complaining about relatives or politics. Just say the things that elevate both of you and your collective sense of well-being.And guess what? Your life becomes better instantaneously.Staff2010-05-13T08:09:36ZTempest in A TeapotStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Tempest-in-A-Teapot/169.html2010-05-13T08:09:35Z2010-05-13T08:09:35Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>An Oregon middle school teacher has publicly denounced the Tea Partiers - a grassroots political organization which opposes many of President Obama's health and financial concepts and actions - as
"a loose affiliation of racists, homophobes and morons"
among more offensive names.The school district placed him on leave, pending the conclusion of an investigation by the school district into whether he used school hours or computers to work on his anti-Tea Party website, and if his political activity was appropriate behavior for a teacher of middle school students.The teacher had announced his intention to embarrass Tea Partiers by attending their rallies dressed as Adolf Hitler, carrying signs bearing racist, sexist, and anti-gay epithets, and acting as offensively as possible, according to FoxNews.com.The Oregon Tea Party organization is quoted as saying that the teacher doesn't need to lose his job. He just needs to have sensitivity and anger management training.I think they're just being politically correct. He should be fired for sure.He has the responsibility of teaching and role-modeling the proper behavior for a citizen in a democracy. Attempting to embarrass and destroy an opposing point of view is not part of the democratic process, in spite of the fact that it seems like the main means of discourse in our society at present. And it has to stop somewhere.He could have had his students do a project, learning about the positions of the Tea Party movement, and to critique them, with pros and cons as they see them (in spite of the fact that most kids their age pretty much just parrot what they learn at home). Nonetheless, debates and critical essays are what he should be teaching, not "search and destroy."I hope he is fired ASAP. Let that be a lesson!Staff2010-05-13T08:09:35ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/170.html2010-05-13T08:09:34Z2010-05-13T08:09:34ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:34ZOn Being A Good FriendStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/On-Being-A-Good-Friend/171.html2010-05-13T08:09:33Z2010-05-13T08:09:33Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I have a very good friend (and I hope she thinks the same of me). Her name is Sheridan.We have a kind of magic together: we have a lot of interests in common and do "day road trips" to bead fairs, fabric stores, yarn shops and such, because we share craft hobbies and help each other with our projects. The other day, she just showed up when I was on the air to give me some buttons she'd bought for a tote project gift I was working on. With the buttons came a card which showed an old photo of two women friends on a couch. Underneath the photo, the caption read:
"A good friend will bail you out of jail. A GREAT friend is one who sits beside you and says 'Wow, that was fun!'"
I couldn't stop laughing when I read that, and while you should not take that literally, it does suggest that friends really get into each other in a special way. Friends want to experience each other's joys and heartaches as part of bonding with and mending each other.I have watched Sheridan put herself out for me, stand up for me, and bend over backwards to make me happy. I am one lucky woman to have such a blessing in my life. Friends - really good friends - are a rare commodity: you have to have just the right chemistry, attitude, understanding, forgiveness, openness, kindness, and thoughtfulness. A good friend brings all that out in you. A good friend makes you a better person.I'm sure we've irritated each other from time to time, but we've never had a fight about it. Why not? Because good friends have each other's best interests at heart and accept each other's quirks with humor.The best way to have a good friend is also the best way to have a good marriage: choose wisely, and treat kindly.And consider yourself very fortunate if you have someone who resonates with you in this lifetime.Sheridan, I love ya girl!Staff2010-05-13T08:09:33ZMy Son's Not Making the GradeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/My-Sons-Not-Making-the-Grade/172.html2010-05-13T08:09:32Z2010-05-13T08:09:32ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:32ZThe Matter-of-Fact HeroStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Matter-of-Fact-Hero/173.html2010-05-13T08:09:32Z2010-05-13T08:09:32Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Recently, I was walking from my kitchen to my office and passed by my TV, which was tuned to Fox News. The anchors were promoting an upcoming story that I didn't stick around long enough to watch, but one which I want to comment on nonetheless. They showed three pictures from a bank security video camera where a guy (who wasn't wearing a mask, and who may or may not have been carrying a weapon) was robbing the bank. Behind him was an older, larger man who had a very relaxed expression on his face - almost as though he wasn't aware that anything was happening.The next frame showed the robber turning to leave. The third frame showed the large man "bear-hugging" this robber from behind - while still maintaining a totally relaxed expression on his face!The caption underneath proclaimed the bear-hugging guy to be a hero.Yes, he was. He caught the bad guy. But what struck me is that he waited calmly and then just
acted
- behavior which is very typical of hero-types. They do what they do without agonizing over it, without mulling over their fears and potential losses. They simply do the right thing.Jews for all times call the Christians and their families who risked torture and death in order to rescue Jews during World War II "righteous Gentiles," and hold them in supreme respect. I have watched documentaries where righteous Gentiles explain why they did what they did when it was a potential death sentence. To the one, they all said the same thing:"IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO." It's how they were brought up.Heroes are so "matter of fact" about their extraordinary actions that they don't even categorize what they have done as "heroic" and it's not false modesty. It's just that it was, for them, simply the right thing to do.Staff2010-05-13T08:09:32ZDivorce, Recession-StyleStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Divorce,-Recession-Style/174.html2010-05-13T08:09:31Z2010-05-13T08:09:31Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A number of news sources recently reported that
(sniff, sniff)
people just can't afford to get divorced anymore, what with mortgages upside down, and diminished family income.Furthermore
(more sniffs)
, in most cases, the couples have to stay together under the same roof just to make ends meet. No longer can divorced spouses count on maintaining a lifestyle. No longer are kids summarily thrown into visitation chaos and feelings of abandonment....and that, obviously, is a good thing.One of the sadder aspects of my three decades plus on radio talking to people in some sort of crisis is the growing realization that many people see adversity as a motivation to
turn on
each other, rather than to
turn to
each other. I understand husbands who feel depressed when they can't adequately support their families, and I understand wives who feel desperate because they worry for the well-being of their home and children. But I don't understand turning
away
from each other at a time when both need support and hope. Each spouse needs to (as Archie Bunker often said on
"All In The Family"
) "stifle themselves" and try to buoy up the other's state of mind.In trying to make the other person still feel valued, competent and loved; in telling your spouse that you know that, ultimately, you can count on him/her; in letting your once "dearly beloved" feel your support, makes not only them feel better, it makes YOU feel better.I'm sure everyone reading this has some sort of strain or stress in their marriage. Generally, it's something that can be overcome
if
you
both
pull together and put aside your individual resentments and fears long enough to follow through on your marital vows to love, honor and cherish.Staff2010-05-13T08:09:31ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/175.html2010-05-13T08:09:30Z2010-05-13T08:09:30ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:30ZWhat's The Matter With Kids Today?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Whats-The-Matter-With-Kids-Today/176.html2010-05-13T08:09:29Z2010-05-13T08:09:29Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>What's the problem with kids today? The answer to that is easy: THEIR PARENTS!According to the
Fresno Bee
, five high school seniors cut down two trees on their campus as a "senior prank." School officials expelled the students and transferred them to a continuation school to finish out their senior year.The students (all seniors and football players) cut down two Southern Live Oak trees, with ten-inch trunks. The trees were about 14 years old and nearly 20 feet high. The damage was estimated to be between $7,500 and $14,000. The boys said this was a prank meant to deprive junior classmates of shade.Stupid, stupid, stupid.....but they are all "jock heroes," probably way too used to inflated estimations of their own value and power.The school did exactly the right thing.The parents did exactly the
wrong
thing. They said that the school "overreacted," and they got attorneys involved to get their kids back in the school. The school is standing firm. Good for them.
"To hire attorneys,"
as one of my listeners wrote to me,
"teaches these kids that they can get away with 'pranks' and that they do not have to respect the law or be accountable for such behavior to school officials. It will be interesting to see how these youngsters turn out as they mature. Will they be good citizens? Will they raise their children similarly to how they were raised? Will their views change on how their own parents handled this life lesson? It remains to be seen. I do hope our community doesn't read about them again later on down the line after they've robbed a store or beaten someone up and again hired an attorney to defend their actions."
That point, in particular, is why (when people call and tell me that they have "x" number of "beautiful" children) I tell them I don't care if they have pretty or ugly kids. I only care that they have
decent
kids, because the well being of all of us depends on that.Staff2010-05-13T08:09:29ZDating My Sibling's ExStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dating-My-Siblings-Ex/177.html2010-05-13T08:09:28Z2010-05-13T08:09:28ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:28ZBullies Depend on Your CowardiceStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Bullies-Depend-on-Your-Cowardice/178.html2010-05-13T08:09:28Z2010-05-13T08:09:28Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>On Monday, I wrote about the event in Massachusetts that you've all heard about by now. Several South Hadley, Massachusetts high school students are being tried on felony charges for the harassment of a high school freshman which led to her suicide. It was worse than harassment - it was persecution, both physical and mental, and in the full view of other students and teachers. No one did anything to stop them, not even fellow students. Disgusting, really.What I want you parents to do is to
teach your children to stand between evil and the innocent
, even if they risk being ostracized or worse. It is only when people stop just standing by that evil will be squelched. My son came home from middle school one day to say he was in trouble because he was in a fight. I asked what happened. He told me that some kid was picking on another kid and it got physical. I asked him what happened then? He said that he got into it with the bully. I asked him who won. He looked down at his shoes and muttered "I did."I gave him high fives, made his favorite dinner, and sent my husband in to the school the next day to make it clear to the principal that we expected the bully (and not our son) to be punished. I sent my husband, because he is more laid back than I (if you get my drift).We can have a million court cases and school suspensions.
But it is only when parents teach their children to intervene that these bullies will be brought to their knees.
They count on the cowardice of your children for their freedom to torment. Tell your children to band together if necessary and do the right thing.Staff2010-05-13T08:09:28ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/179.html2010-05-13T08:09:26Z2010-05-13T08:09:26ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:26ZSpoiled Brats Are the New BulliesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Spoiled-Brats-Are-the-New-Bullies/180.html2010-05-13T08:09:26Z2010-05-13T08:09:26Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>There is a precedent-setting action being taken by the District Attorney in South Hadley, Massachusetts. A high school freshman, Phoebe Prince, new in town from Ireland, was harassed by a pack of older teens. This was school bullying taken to the extreme: she was subject to threats and physical abuse, and unfortunately, this young girl hanged herself when she could no longer tolerate the terror.Criminal charges ranging from statutory rape to stalking and civil rights violations have been filed against the teenagers (two boys and four girls).Unfortunately, the criminal charges stop there. I would add that teachers, the principal and the administration should be subject to criminal charges as well or a civil lawsuit, because the bullying was common knowledge for months, and the girl's mother
twice
complained to school staffers. Some bullying was even witnessed by teachers. It's time to rise up and counter this vicious free-for-all going on in our schools.Where do the kids get the gall to do this? From everything around them! Watch "reality" television. It's all about being mean and out of control. Even
American Idol
has so-called "judges" who insult people on national television. Watch music videos and listen to mean/hostile lyrics with out-of-control sexually aggressive scenes. What happened to the heartsick love songs of the 1950s?Watch television or listen to most radio with people shouting angrily at each other, accusing each other of racism and such simply for having a different opinion or point of view. Dominating people by humiliation is what we do for entertainment in our society. "Lord of the Flies"-type behavior from our children should not be a surprise. What
is
a surprise is that adults and parents stand by, afraid of their own children and handcuffed by political correctness, where vile behavior now becomes protected speech. That whole town of South Hadley, Massachusetts should be ashamed. Phoebe's parents should have taken her out of that school the same way I tell parents in step-families to leave with their children when the spouse or the spouse's children become abusive. The school should have thrown those brats out on their ears, worrying later about whether or not their parents would sue.If you're thinking "Well, no one could know that she would kill herself," you should know that according to one source, "one of the girls posted on Phoebe's Facebook page right after her suicide: 'Accomplished.'"They tormented her to death on purpose.This is our next generation?Staff2010-05-13T08:09:26ZI'm Sorry...With BenefitsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Im-Sorry...With-Benefits/181.html2010-05-13T08:09:24Z2010-05-13T08:09:24ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:24ZThe Ride of My LifeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Ride-of-My-Life/182.html2010-05-13T08:09:24Z2010-05-13T08:09:24ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:24ZSpring Cleaning for Your HeadStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Spring-Cleaning-for-Your-Head/183.html2010-05-13T08:09:24Z2010-05-13T08:09:24Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Have you ever had the experience of trying
not
to think of something? Like when you're trying to go to sleep and something upsetting keeps coming to mind? You may attempt to squeeze it out of your mind, but it seems to come back with a vengeance. What you learn about your mind is that when you try to shove something into a dark closet, your mind feels compelled to peek into that closet again and again to see if it's still there. Everybody has memories from the past they'd rather not remember.Everybody has annoying, upsetting, or threatening events going on in their everyday lives.Everybody is bothered by thoughts they'd rather not have.Instead of pushing them away, invite them in and deal with them.Some callers have told me that after a year or two of marriage, they think about an old high school flame, and they wonder if this is an "omen" that they've married the wrong person. No, of course not."Courting" is fun; marriage has obligations, responsibilities and challenges. Even the things we love can feel overwhelming. Fantasies and thoughts and dreams about someone else are brain "vacations," taking you to a time when you had no worries. Invite those thoughts in and examine them: "Let's see...if I married John instead of my husband Steve, hmmm...gee, I'd miss Steve's smile and hugs, his manly chest, his tenderness with the kids, and eventually John would have probably ticked me off too in some silly ways."Once you've done that, it is no longer an obsession. The vacation is over, and a greater appreciation of what you do have takes its place.Don't fight the thoughts. Invite them in and talk to them. Take control, and they will leave on their own.Staff2010-05-13T08:09:24ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/184.html2010-05-13T08:09:22Z2010-05-13T08:09:22ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:22ZWives Not Interested in SexStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Wives-Not-Interested-in-Sex/185.html2010-05-13T08:09:22Z2010-05-13T08:09:22Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I hear from (and about) a lot of women who say they're not interested in sex, and they are married to men who vowed fidelity, and so those men are now literally out in the cold.Many women can be quite cruel about their behavior: telling their husbands to "just deal with it" or challenge them into getting a "girlfriend." These same women may throw a fit if their husband pleasures himself while watching Internet pornography consisting of a man and a woman engaged in passionate sex.Sheesh! They can't have it both ways, unless women expect their men to bust their buns taking care of children and a wife without the normal, expected "reward" of love and passion.Some women have medical issues which cut down on their feeling sexy, but not many medical issues truly inhibit women from pleasing their husbands, and then discovering themselves getting "turned on" in the process.Most of the time, too many wives just get lazy and self-centered about taking care of their romantic and sexual lives because of kids' schedules, friends and relatives, and "busy busy" stuff that just consumes every ounce of their energy. Let's be honest - that's an excuse and not a real reason. You can pace yourself and make choices. Many women don't bother, and feel that the sexual needs of their husbands are burdens to them and not a compliment or offer of ecstasy.Interestingly, many of these women are the ones who call me, complaining that their husbands don't do much for them on Valentine's Day, or birthdays and anniversaries. Are you kidding? What is he to celebrate? Marriage and family have turned him into an asexual monk!Women's sexuality requires "priming," while guys are just about always "ready to roll." A lot of that priming has to happen in
her
head: thinking affectionately about sensual things, bathing, primping and flirting - the kinds of things wives tend to leave at the altar or in the birthing room.I have come to feel sorry for husbands in general in America today. The feminist mentality that has labeled any male needs as "oppression" has certainly poisoned a lot of minds out there.If you think you're one of those, or if you need your attitude jump-started, read
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
. It's helped a lot of women get happier.Staff2010-05-13T08:09:22ZMotivation from InsideStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Motivation-from-Inside/186.html2010-05-13T08:09:21Z2010-05-13T08:09:21ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:21ZRecovery from Addiction Is a ChoiceStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Recovery-from-Addiction-Is-a-Choice/187.html2010-05-13T08:09:21Z2010-05-13T08:09:21Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I have railed since day one when clinicians started calling bad choices and bad habits "diseases."The good news about calling alcohol and drug abuses "diseases" is that clinicians and others can reap financial rewards by charging insurance for their "medical" intervention.The bad news about calling substance abuse a "disease" is that the individual is robbed of his real ability to exercise
choice
and
self-control
, and such labeling puts the onus on society to give that individual a "pass" on taking responsibility for the consequences of the addiction.There is considerable proof that addiction is a choice: the book
"Addiction: A Disorder of Choice,"
by Gene M. Heyman, Harvard University Press, demonstrates many of them. For example: in 1970, it was determined that between 10% and 25% of enlisted Army men were addicted to high-grade Vietnamese heroin and opium. When they were told they couldn't come home without being drug-free, the vast majority stopped using narcotics as the word of the new directive spread. The vast minority who were detained for detoxification programs were clean when given a second chance. Only 12% of soldiers who were dependent on opiate narcotics in Vietnam became re-addicted at some point in the next three years.The point is that calling alcohol or drug abuse a "disease" takes away from the individual the respect for his or her ability to choose. Every behavior we have is somehow tied to genetics and the brain. That doesn't make it a disease unless the individual has
no choice
. Alzheimer 's disease gives you no choice. Multiple sclerosis gives you no choice. Alcohol abuse
is
a choice.Addicts are drawn to drug abuse to salve depression, anxiety, boredom, and self-loathing. At the start of their addiction, they feel great, short-term, and they start giving up the joy in work, hobbies, family and friends. After a while, they need the drug to salve psychic pain (which is now increasing with the collapse of other factors in their lives), suppress withdrawal symptoms, and eliminate the craving. At some point, when these benefits come to be outweighed by the adverse fallout the balance shifts, and the addict
chooses
recovery.The concept of
disease
includes the obliteration of
choice-making ability
. Fortunately, addicts
can
make a choice, and congratulations are in order to those who do!Staff2010-05-13T08:09:21ZThe Bonds of MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Bonds-of-Marriage/188.html2010-05-13T08:09:20Z2010-05-13T08:09:20ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:20ZFamily Traditions After DivorceStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Family-Traditions-After-Divorce/189.html2010-05-13T08:09:20Z2010-05-13T08:09:20ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:20ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/190.html2010-05-13T08:09:19Z2010-05-13T08:09:19ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:19ZTiger Woods is Still LyingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Tiger-Woods-is-Still-Lying/191.html2010-05-13T08:09:18Z2010-05-13T08:09:18Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Tiger Woods is getting back to playing golf. He'll be participating in the Masters 2010 in Augusta, Georgia beginning April 5. I know a lot of people are happy about that, because they like to watch him play, and without him, the interest in golf apparently diminished, with enterprises associated with audience interest taking a great financial hit since he's been away from the game.Frankly, I don't care one way or the other.Nonetheless,
NYDailyNews.com
had a lengthy article focusing on Tiger's "confessions." Evidently, he said he "was living a lie." Well, that's true. He was making lotsa money presenting himself as a clean-cut family guy, all the while arrogantly flying girls around the world to meet him for "sex breaks."He also said "Yeah, I tried to stop, and couldn't stop." WHAT??? Where does the word
"couldn't"
come from?
The only irresistible impulse is one which is not resisted.
He enjoyed that very enticing perk of fame and money: the adoration of women and lot of varied sex. There's nothing new here in the history of mankind.Once you cross that line, however, it gets easier and easier to feel as though you are safe and entitled, and it becomes a bigger and bigger part of your everyday life - whether your obsession is sex partners or donuts.I'm disgusted that Tiger Woods is being yet another bad role model ("the devil made me do it, and I had to exorcise the devil in rehab"). To me, he is
still
lying. He could control his impulse any time he wanted to, but he
didn't
want to. The risk-taking was exciting, and the orgasms and feeling of sexual control over women was way too thrilling for him to decide to give up. He's giving it up now because it ended up costing him big-time. See? The decision was made when the math came out different from before.In my book, Tiger Woods won't change until he takes responsibility. In his comments, he also said that
"stripping away denial and rationalization, you start coming to the truth of who you really are, and that can be very ugly."
True enough. And he should say the truth: that he enjoyed the perks, but that the trade-off ultimately wasn't worth it.Staff2010-05-13T08:09:18ZWhat's With Bullying My Teen?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Whats-With-Bullying-My-Teen/192.html2010-05-13T08:09:17Z2010-05-13T08:09:17ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:17ZBreast Milk As A WeaponStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Breast-Milk-As-A-Weapon/193.html2010-05-13T08:09:17Z2010-05-13T08:09:17Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Recently, there was a news story about a woman who faced a felony charge of squirting breast milk into the face of a deputy law enforcement officer.The woman, from Kentucky, was arrested for public intoxication. As she was changing into an inmate uniform after her arrest, she squirted a stream of breast milk into the face of the female deputy watching over her.In the press release from the Kentucky Detention Center, the deputy de-contaminated herself from the "bio-hazard" and the woman was charged with third-degree assault.The original charge, public drunkenness, was merely a misdemeanor offense; the assault is a felony charge and a $10,000 bond was set.Of course, the media picked this up, and everyone chuckled at the story. People are debating about whether using breast milk as a weapon should constitute a felony assault case, and there are plenty of laughs going around.The deputy, however, is not laughing.She has to go through months of testing and waiting to see if she has contracted the HIV virus.Sadly (and stupidly, I think), we can't legally test the inmate immediately for HIV - some nonsense about privacy. We have to let the deputy wait, wonder, and worry. That's simply not compassionate and certainly not fair.That this inmate is drunk as a mother seems bad enough, but to intentionally squirt her bodily fluid into someone else's face has the intent to humiliate or harm.A felony charge is appropriate.And that baby needs a better mother.Staff2010-05-13T08:09:17ZBotox Study is LaughableStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Botox-Study-is-Laughable/194.html2010-05-13T08:09:16Z2010-05-13T08:09:16Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A recent "non-study" purported to conclude that Botoxing the muscles between your eyeballs keeps you from frowning which feeds back to keep you from feeling bad, down, or negative.In other words, if you can't frown, you can't be unhappy!This is so stupid that it makes me wonder if the Botox industry paid this guy to come out with this as a means of changing the view of Botox from "cosmetic" to "injectable" psychotherapy.You wanna be happy for the rest of your life? Well, you can do that even if all your "emotion" muscles work, and even if you are not particularly attractive. Anyone walking around in a deliriously joyful stupor just because they got a little plastic surgery is unbelievably superficial to start out with. A few times a year, I get my frown lines Botoxed, simply because I furrow that line deeper and deeper when I think or concentrate. It gives the impression to others that I'm frowning, when I'm perfectly content with the universe. Besides, a furrow that deep takes a lot of makeup to fill in that crevice, so I think of it as a cost-cutting measure too (kidding)!Right now, I'm writing this as I see the sun popping up from behind a mountain. I am swept away by the majesty of this scene, and grateful that I am alive another day to experience this sunrise.
That
makes me happy. Being happy is mostly about what you choose to take in and what you're willing to give out. Forget stupid studies about frown lines....they're meaningless against the beauty of a sunrise.Staff2010-05-13T08:09:16ZWomen's Studies Advocates Are At It AgainStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Womens-Studies-Advocates-Are-At-It-Again/195.html2010-05-13T08:09:15Z2010-05-13T08:09:15ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:15ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/196.html2010-05-13T08:09:15Z2010-05-13T08:09:15ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:15ZUnprofessional, Insulting and Totally CorrectStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Unprofessional,-Insulting-and-Totally-Correct/197.html2010-05-13T08:09:14Z2010-05-13T08:09:14Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A 44 year-old woman filed a complaint about her doctor after a tense consultation with him in 2009 in New Zealand. The doctor said "effing" three times to the woman after she told him she didn't like the word "diet," and preferred he use the term "lifestyle." He insisted that she needed to go on an "effing" diet. According to the woman, the doctor told her that if she couldn't handle the word "diet," then he challenged her motivation and stated that she would never survive gastric bypass surgery because she was still "bullxxxxing" herself and therefore her thinking was still "effed."The physician, fed up with her, scratched her name from the gastric bypass waiting list.New Zealand's Health and Disability Commissioner said the doctor, who completely admitted using bad language, was reprimanded for being unprofessional and insulting.The doctor WAS unprofessional and insulting AND completely correct! When people move less and eat more and want magical means to become physically normal and healthy, it does frustrate and exhaust the patience of people who are there to help. This doctor could just have been having a bad day, but I think it is more likely that he was just tired of the wordplay and mind games of those who simply don't display self-discipline or take serious responsibility for their condition (but who expect respect as though their condition was out of their control - when it is definitely NOT).The doctor
should
have been reprimanded, but so should this patient!Staff2010-05-13T08:09:14ZServing Country or Kids?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Serving-Country-or-Kids/198.html2010-05-13T08:09:13Z2010-05-13T08:09:13ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:13ZThank You to Critter Country Alpaca RanchStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Thank-You-to-Critter-Country-Alpaca-Ranch/199.html2010-05-13T08:09:12Z2010-05-13T08:09:12ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:12ZSex Offenders Getting Lenient SentencesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Sex-Offenders-Getting-Lenient-Sentences/200.html2010-05-13T08:09:12Z2010-05-13T08:09:12Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Last week, I blogged bout how horrendous it is that child molesters are treated leniently by judges and by parole boards. Many of you wonder why that is. I don't wonder - it's because the liberal world view of those in those positions of power concludes that such perpetrators are ultimately not responsible for their behavior, because they have a
disease
. Those with a disease are, of course, offered compassion. Since they conclude that this can't be a choice or an impulse not resisted or pure evil, then it must be a disease. Therefore, they believe that incarceration is useless and cruel and the
real
way to protect us is to put them in therapy (another liberal enclave).The Catholic Church never turned its child molesters over to the police. They put them in spiritual rehab again and again and again. It's the same mentality: these people are not evil; they are not criminals. They are sick and need comfort and direction.And what about the children who were raped, beaten and murdered? Well, they say, the best way to insure that no more children are hurt is
rehab therapy and spiritual guidance
.That is all complete BS. These people are evil. There is an organization called NAMBLA - the North American Man/Boy Love Association - and they march in parades and have websites and meetings geared to promoting the "healthy reality" that kids are sexual and have a right to their sexuality, and the only reason it has been criminalized is that society is uptight.Molesters in various forms are quite open, as their world view is that they are healthy and we are not.Since it is not politically correct to judge any more, many folks in our society (and in positions of power) include child/adult sex as a normal variant of human sexuality (as they do sex with animals and consenting sex with extreme violence and/or near-death experiences).As we keep dumbing down our notions of right and wrong, you will see more and more of this stuff normalized in our society.Pretty soon we'll hear Nero on his violin.Staff2010-05-13T08:09:12ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/201.html2010-05-13T08:09:11Z2010-05-13T08:09:11ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:11ZProtecting Our Kids Against Convicted Sex OffendersStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Protecting-Our-Kids-Against-Convicted-Sex-Offenders/202.html2010-05-13T08:09:10Z2010-05-13T08:09:10Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>People in San Diego are understandably enraged and confused: a convicted sex offender (who, in the past, had beaten and raped young girls and got only five years in prison) was let out on parole...to rape and kill a young woman
again
.In another part of the country, Gary Becker, the fifty two year old former mayor of Racine, Wisconsin had faced up to more than twenty seven years in prison after pleading guilty to child enticement and attempted sexual assault of a child. What did he get? His sentence was three years in prison.The judge in the case, Stephen Simanek, said (brace yourself) that he had been prepared to sentence Becker to probation - PROBATION!! - but was alarmed to discover that Becker had purchased girls' underwear two weeks prior to sentencing. So, instead of probation or 27 years, he got 3 years (with the potential to get out in 1 1/2 years for good behavior - probably because there are no girls to rape in prison). In my opinion, any judge who gives less than the permitted maximum should lose the bench.In my opinion, any Board of Parole that lets a convicted sex offender out before their maximum time is served should lose their position.It's a rare thing - in fact, I have NEVER read of a case of rape/molestation/murder of a child done by someone who had no previous record, so letting them out under any circumstances automatically condemns one or more children to rape and/or death. Great comment for a civilization to make, right?Staff2010-05-13T08:09:10ZHonoring Your Body With Sun SalutationsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Honoring-Your-Body-With-Sun-Salutations/203.html2010-05-13T08:09:09Z2010-05-13T08:09:09ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:09ZPets Aren't Human SubstitutesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Pets-Arent-Human-Substitutes/204.html2010-05-13T08:09:09Z2010-05-13T08:09:09Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>More than 80 million Americans are pet owners, and spend nearly 25 billion dollars on veterinary care. Why do we do that? Originally, animals served a largely utilitarian purpose: horses pulled carts, dogs protected the farms, and cats ate rodents. This dependency on animals to help us in our daily lives evolved into warm, close bonded relationships with them - and that's a good thing, but only up to a point. Taking on the responsibility of caring for an animal is a sacrifice, and requires an unselfish commitment that elevates human character. Making sure that your pets have food before you do, and providing a safe haven for them is an expression of compassion. Enjoying the enthusiasm of your dog or cat when you appear on the scene, having your blood pressure drop when you pet them - those are the perks of having a pet around. However, if you are infinitely more comfortable with animals than humans, the scales have tipped way too far in the wrong direction. Human communication is largely verbal, and give-and-take is an essential part of human bonding (along with trust). When an individual is fearful or hostile about human connection, it's nice if they have a pet (a warm mammal) to hold close, but it's not a substitute for a human relationship. I get way too many calls from, for example, people like the woman who keeps a dangerous dog in the home (with little kids), because her husband chooses to keep the dog in spite of the threat to his own children; or the man who calls and complains that he has a ferocious allergy to cats, but his fiancée will not adopt her cat out to let him move in after the wedding! If this sounds like you or someone you know, it's time to revisit the situations, because choices like these are, obviously, the wrong choices.Staff2010-05-13T08:09:09ZModel Naomi Campbell in Trouble AgainStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Model-Naomi-Campbell-in-Trouble-Again/205.html2010-05-13T08:09:08Z2010-05-13T08:09:08Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Naomi Campbell is at it again. She allegedly (that's for legal purposes) bopped her driver hard on the back of his head, which thrust his face into the steering wheel. He called the police; she ran away. No charges were filed...
again!
She's been accused of violent outbursts since the Nineties - money is paid/so-called anger management is had/community service is requested - but because she's a "supermodel," the money/hype/power behind that has kept her from the appearance she should be making: in JAIL, JAIL, JAIL. Ultimately, there have been no consequences that make a difference to her, and her sense of entitlement has grown to huge proportions.Some background on her I found on the Internet: her father abandoned her and her mother at birth; her mother abandoned Naomi for a show biz career - Naomi was even involved in show business herself at a very tender age. I can't be sure without knowing her up close and personal, or from psychiatric work-ups in the anger management sessions she supposedly had, but she sounds very much like she has
borderline personality disorder
. That does not mean she is insane. She's perfectly competent and aware of her actions and knows right from wrong.Personality disorders are consistent patterns of behavior that negatively impact relationships and work. People with borderline personality disorder are impulsive, unstable in their moods, and have chaotic relationships (where they go back and forth from "love" to "hate," depending upon whether or not they are getting their way). They tend to see things in extremes: all good or all bad. They also typically view themselves as victims of circumstance, and take little responsibility for themselves or their problems (which is why they generally don't improve).Their histories show abandonment in childhood, a disruptive family life, poor communication in the family, and sexual abuse. Consequently, they experience feelings of emptiness and boredom, and displays of inappropriate anger, impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, shoplifting, and more.They don't tolerate being alone, which brings me back to a reported quote by Ms. Campbell published in 2006 in the UK's
The Independent: "Anger is a manifestation of a deeper issue, and that, for me, is based on insecurity, self-esteem and loneliness."
It's sad, but the reality is that if there had been serious consequences for her behavior (rather than her being allowed to dodge prison time), then she might be more careful with the well-being of others.Staff2010-05-13T08:09:08ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/206.html2010-05-13T08:09:07Z2010-05-13T08:09:07ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:07ZA Poem for ClaireStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/-A-Poem-for-Claire/207.html2010-05-13T08:09:06Z2010-05-13T08:09:06Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>This is from Barry:
Dear Dr. Laura:
I was a participant in an unwanted, unnecessary divorce...because my wife wasn't 'happy.' I have 3 minor children who, despite my tremendous efforts to the contrary...only get to see me 7-10 days a month. I do everything I can to remain in their lives so I might display to them the importance and value of good character, good values/morals, and integrity....
For Valentine's Day, I wrote my 5 year old daughter a poem. I'm not a poet by any means. I'm your basic manly man. These words simply came to me in the half-hour it took to write them down. In it are references to many things we do as a
family
....I thought you might like to read it:
A Poem for Claire
A poem for Claire is what I will try. I hope it turns out - ya see, I'm only a guy. There are jobs that I have- One is being your Dad. Out of all of the jobs That one makes me most glad.
We do things we like And some we don't mind. I'm pleased that you're nice And so warm and so kind.
I tell you I'm serious But you know that I'm not We're both
very
silly And we smile a LOT!
We sit out in back And look at the clouds You see shapes I don't see You make me so proud.
Walking to school Is always so fun. It's been so cold lately We can't wait for the sun!
You fiddle with your homework. Maybe a snack instead? But each night we read Just before time for bed.
I love when we play You're so very special We dance and we laugh Now it's time to WRESTLE!
We cuddle on the sofa Watch TV at night. But we don't watch a show That might give you a fright.
We make up games to play Sometimes go for a hike. But what you like most Is riding your bike!
You play Dan-Ball and Rock Band And sometimes the Wii. "Daddy, come look! Come here! Come see!"
I'm busy in the kitchen Moving fast there to here. You're the first and the loudest During our dinnertime cheer.
I miss you dearly When we're far apart, But I'll always remind you I'm in your head and your heart.
The message is clear In this poem you hear. Your Dad loves you greatly And I will always be near.
I want you to know You're my best Valentine. I will ALWAYS be yours If you will be mine.
I love you. Dad
You've made me a better man, Dr. Laura. I thank you.Staff2010-05-13T08:09:06ZA Sad Slide to SuicideStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-Sad-Slide-to-Suicide/208.html2010-05-13T08:09:05Z2010-05-13T08:09:05Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Former "Growing Pains" star Andrew Koenig killed himself, presumably with some chemical, and he did this in a park where he used to go to "chill" or "meditate." Apparently, he stopped taking his anti-depression medications, which then allowed him to sink into a very dark place. That means his decision to commit suicide was a considered one.He disappeared on February 14, Valentine's Day. I wondered about that when I heard that. Here he was, with no wife and family on Valentine's Day: alone, with a minor career (and he was also the son of a famous actor who was on the original "Star Trek" TV series). It seems he had also turned down a job offered by a friend, and when that friend was away, Andrew collected all the gifts his friend had given him over the years, and then made that last trip to the park.Of course, his parents are suffering deeply, but whatever emotions they're experiencing, guilt should not be one of them. The truth is that if a person is hell-bent on killing themselves, they will find a way.The most common cause of suicide is an underlying mental disorder, followed by alcoholism as the second cause, and drug abuse as the third most common cause. Financial difficulties or other undesirable situations can add stress too. Over 1 million people commit suicide every year, and it's the leading cause of death among teenagers and adults under 35.I've listed below all the warning signs, but people who don't clearly show these signs can kill themselves as well, and people who show most of these signs may not. There is no "cut and dry" signal, but there are indications which serve as a warning. When you're aware that someone is LIKELY to kill themselves, please call 911 and have that person taken to a psychiatric ward at your local hospital. Physicians have the legal option of a 3 day "hold" to discern whether or not that person is a threat to themselves or others. When that determination is made, the potentially suicidal individual may very likely be put in a "forced commitment" status for treatment. Even that doesn't insure
that
they will never commit suicide, so it is good to be alert and know how to respond.Here's an easy way to remember the warning signs of suicide (this is from the American Association of Suicidology):
IS PATH WARM?
I
Ideation
S
Substance abuse
P
Purposelessness
A
Anxiety
T
Trapped
H
Hopelessness
W
Withdrawal
A
Anger
R
Recklessness
M
Mood changesIf you observe these, seek help as soon as possible by contacting a mental health professional or calling 1-800-273-8255 for a referral. You can find out more information at
http://www.suicidology.orgStaff2010-05-13T08:09:05ZDating 101Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dating-101/209.html2010-05-13T08:09:04Z2010-05-13T08:09:04ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:04ZColumbine Almost RevisitedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Columbine-Almost-Revisited/210.html2010-05-13T08:09:03Z2010-05-13T08:09:03Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Remember Columbine? Two Nazi-loving narcissistic sociopaths murdered teachers and students in their school because it would put them in the spotlight of history.....forever.No one stepped forward to stop them.The police stayed outside the building.Horrendous mishandling caused many innocent lives to be lost.Fast forward 11 years.Another wacked-out gunman with a bolt-action hunting rifle came onto a Colorado middle school parking lot and starting shooting at students. He had just wounded two students and seemed ready to massacre more when a tall, skinny teacher (6'5" former college basketball player who oversees the school's track team) decided that this massacre just wasn't going to happen. He saw the bad guy who was about to reload the chamber and decided that was THE moment. He ran and tackled the shooter, wrapped his arms and legs around him like a strait jacket from head to toe, and held him for police. Another teacher came to help keep the creep on the ground. The two wounded students were hospitalized; one was released and the other was listed in critical condition.The teacher's name? DAVID BENKE.By the way, the system allowed the gunman to be walking among us. The bad guy, Bruco Eastwood, has an arrest record in Colorado dating back to 1996 for menacing, assault, domestic violence and driving under the influence. That's some arrest record - the newspaper account I read did not mention prison time where children would be safe from him.When interviewed, the father of the creep said:
"There's nothing you can say about it. What can you say? Pretty dumb thing to do. I feel bad for the people involved."
Dumb?? When you're talking about attempting to murder children?As for Benke, he still wishes he could have done more:
"It bugs me that he got another round off"
before being taken down.I am all for a trained and armed faculty member or security person on the grounds of every school in America. Self-defense is a primary right of every living creature.My respect goes to Mr. Benke. I admire guts, grit, and the compassion to risk to protect the lives of others, especially children.The community should set up a trust account for him so that when he retires, he will be taken care of for the rest of his life. That's a small thing for saving the lives of so many children, don't you think?Staff2010-05-13T08:09:03ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/211.html2010-05-13T08:09:02Z2010-05-13T08:09:02ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:02ZHollywood HookupsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Hollywood-Hookups/212.html2010-05-13T08:09:01Z2010-05-13T08:09:01Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I basically don't care about the musical chairs relationships of Hollywood types, but I thought the following story was indicative of our culture in general...and that is not a good thing. This headline was important enough to show up in the Top 20 stories of Google News recently: "Alex Rodriguez and Cameron Diaz Get Cozy in Miami." The piece started out: "Don't tell Madonna, but New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez was spotted getting cozy with Hollywood actress Cameron Diaz at a pre-Super Bowl party in Miami last weekend." According to this inane report, she was tipsy, flirty, and began "grinding on 'A-Rod', who had just broken up with Kate Hudson. Clearly, sports is not the only thing for which you need a score card! Generally, women who have nothing going on in their lives become groupies, because attachment to a star (even in their imaginations, much less their beds) brings them a feeling of importance. Madonna, Kate Hudson and Cameron Diaz are all successful in their own right, so "groupie-ness" is not the issue. Then what is? What makes women "give it up" so easily for a guy who is good-looking, successful and has lots of money? I guess it's the looks and success, and the feeling that even more money is always good. There is so little dignity left in Hollywood's elite, and many political marriages are also aflame with betrayals. Our young girls grow up next to young boys who have both misguided values and expectations. The boys realize that respect and courtship are irrelevant when it comes to getting sex and companionship; the girls think that explosive beginnings mean something deeper. I had one female caller who was just amazed at my admonition not to have sex as a flirtation, rite of dating, way to get to know someone, or stress releaser. She actually was surprised when I suggested to her (and her 21 year-old "reality") that scarcity brings value. While that is an economic issue, it also works for interpersonal relationships. If the act of sexual intercourse is to mean
anything
, it has to have a context of love and commitment, and
that
is a scarce resource. People wonder why they're depressed, anxious, unhappy, unfulfilled, lost, or compulsive about hookups. There is an inherent knowledge that meaning and purpose are everything to their psychological well-being, but they are surrounded by the likes of an A-Rod and Madonna world which tells them there isn't any, except for notoriety and sexual flamboyance. It's sad, really, because there is more to morality than just being a "rule system of the constipated," which, unfortunately, is what too many people believe. Morality is a means by which we make human beings rise above the rest of the animal kingdom with symbols and actions: like marriage and commitment, for example.Staff2010-05-13T08:09:01ZRole Reversal: Dad Stays Home, Mom WorksStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Role-Reversal:-Dad-Stays-Home,-Mom-Works/213.html2010-05-13T08:09:00Z2010-05-13T08:09:00ZStaff2010-05-13T08:09:00ZSix Year Old Hauled Off in HandcuffsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Six-Year-Old-Hauled-Off-in-Handcuffs/214.html2010-05-13T08:09:00Z2010-05-13T08:09:00Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>In Port St. Lucie, Florida recently, a six year old was handcuffed (actually, one handcuff was put over both hands - she was a little girl), and hauled off to a mental facility. The parents were all hysterical and angry that their "little baby" was treated this way.The mother, who works in day care, said
"There is absolutely nothing wrong with my child."
Her father said that what happened to his daughter was
"just wrong."
The school contacted this little girl's parents several times about setting up a meeting to discuss her violent behavior in the classroom, but they never showed up. Hmmmm. Here's what happened on that particular day: The kid had yet another tantrum in the classroom after the teacher simply asked her to do something, and the girl was taken to the principal's office. The principal, 8 months pregnant, endured the kid yelling, throwing things, kicking the wall, throwing a calculator, electric pencil sharpener, telephone, container of writing utensils and everything else on the desk. The kid then physically attacked the pregnant principal, who called the police. In my opinion, the police and the principal did exactly the right thing. Leave it up to the medical authorities to determine whether this girl is being extremely poorly parented or in need of mental health treatment. There are those who cry over how little this girl is and wring their hands and say that there must have been some other way. No, there wasn't. The parents did not take responsibility, and their shame was delivered as arrogance as they sought sympathy (and probably a lawsuit). The school is supposed to be a safe place. This girl was, and is, a threat to other students, the faculty, and herself. I stand behind the school, the teacher, and the principal. I wish we could arrest the parents for negligence in letting their daughter's behavior get this far.Staff2010-05-13T08:09:00ZGood Old Olympics GritStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Good-Old-Olympics-Grit/215.html2010-05-13T08:08:59Z2010-05-13T08:08:59Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I've said it many times before: I admire GRIT. Smarts and abilities are not enough. They need to be riveted to grit. Grit got Seth Wescott a gold medal in the finals of the men's snowboard cross at the Vancouver Olympics, where many others would have slid into oblivion. He started out badly. In his qualifier, he slipped and spun 360 degrees and ultimately ended up ranked 17th out of 32 athletes to start the heats - which meant that he wouldn't get a good lane choice. Instead of moaning and complaining, or losing his motivation, he told himself: "OK, I'm going to have to work damned hard for this." At the starting gate in the finals, he said something to himself like "You've got to go get this one." He was last from the start, BUT he managed to come home to Maine, as an Olympic gold medalist for the second time. He didn't think of anything but the moment and the moves - no looking back with dismay, no beating himself up, and no giving up. THAT is my definition of an Olympic athlete!And, obviously, I'm writing this story because this is the way
you
should approach everything in life!Staff2010-05-13T08:08:59ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/216.html2010-05-13T08:08:58Z2010-05-13T08:08:58ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:58ZThe Benefits of FlirtingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Benefits-of-Flirting/217.html2010-05-13T08:08:57Z2010-05-13T08:08:57Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I got a wonderful email from Sylvia, which I want to share with you all:
Dr. Laura: This is a lesson my mother taught me, but I thought you would approve of her very good advice. I am a southern "belle." Though I have lived all over the world and do not possess the characteristic lilting southern drawl, I am, in fact, a belle through and through. When raised as a girl in the south, you learn (amongst other things) a true appreciation of the beauty and power of words. We southern girls are thoroughly schooled in the art and craft of words. We learn, very young, how to paint a picture with words. We learn to exploit the rhythm and cadence of language. We speak softly in order to draw in our listener (thus focusing all attention on ourselves). Really - who doesn't like a whisper? We speak slowly, because anticipation makes everything more enjoyable. Really - who doesn't like to be made to wait...just a little? I will often send my husband an email designed to make the air around him stand still. I can still make his mouth water with just words. I can make his mind linger and dwell on me all day, with just a softly spoken sentence as he leaves for work in the morning. Sometimes, in the afternoon, I'll call him up just to say "I was daydreaming about you just now. I was remembering how sweet you are and how you still make my heart beat faster." This is not just some idle exercise. This is the ultimate investment in my family. This is what makes my husband anxious to get home to me, even after fifteen years. Through flirting, I reap a harvest of sweetness, kindness, gentleness and playfulness. Flirting is a gift we give to each other. It keeps alive the sweetness and excitement of our early dating days. Flirting is like a gentle touch. It is stroking the ego of the one you love. It is titillation pure and simple. It is foreplay with words and humor. Flirting is the secret that all other women know. Flirting is the difference between "ho-hum" and "hot!" It is something you miss when it's lacking and you often don't even realize it. Flirting captures the mind, and where the mind goes, the body soon follows. So ladies, flirt with your husband. Here, let me help you out: send an email to the one you love today and simply say "I thought of you today. I thought that if you were a book, then I would like to read you and re-read you, over and over again." You see, when you give sweetness, you get so much more back.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:57ZIs This Too Much Eyeliner?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Is-This-Too-Much-Eyeliner/218.html2010-05-13T08:08:56Z2010-05-13T08:08:56ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:56ZBritish Airways Takes A Stand for SafetyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/British-Airways-Takes-A-Stand-for-Safety/219.html2010-05-13T08:08:56Z2010-05-13T08:08:56Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>British Airways passengers who refuse to submit to what is an astonishingly controversial full body scan will be barred from boarding their flights. FANTASTIC! And they also eliminated the ban on scanning children under the age of 18. FANTASTIC! Wow. To know you're not going to have to worry about the guy next to you lighting up a bomb in his private parts is a blessing. Now why would anyone be against this? Well think of conspiracy nuts, "big brother" nuts, and people who are anti-Western civilization, as well as those who are anarchists. As far as I'm concerned, they can all ride a bus or get some exercise on their bicycle or rent a little boat and cross the ocean on their own. Oh, and by the way, the image generated by the body scanner can't be stored or captured, nor can security officers recognize individuals from viewing the images. This is not (as some naysayers proclaim) an indication that the "bad guys" have won. It's a technology which thwarts their means of killing us. Issues of life and death take precedence over silly sentiments of "modesty" when our media has elevated immodesty to a perverted art.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:56ZThe Most Romantic Movie of All TimeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Most-Romantic-Movie-of-All-Time/220.html2010-05-13T08:08:55Z2010-05-13T08:08:55Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Cruising through the news sites, I recently came across a list of the Top 25 Most Romantic Movies. I was amazed at a number of the choices: adult male dancer in cheap resort "doing" a teenage girl (like they have a future together!); a woman having sex with her fiancé's younger brother; people who meet while on a European excursion and immediately become intimate, and on and on. When I was younger, I used to just "watch" movies and get caught up in the mushy emotions. As an adult (and
definitely
as "Dr. Laura"), I watch movies on a much deeper level, and I'm not happy with the notion that as long as two people are swept up in fantasy and immediacy, it's just
b e a u t i f u l
. Maybe it's because I spend hours each day on my radio program helping people extricate their hearts, minds, and collateral damage from their decisions to just go with the flow of erotic and romantic feelings. I'm left trying to help them remedy the hurts done to others as well as themselves and the "accidental" children who do not typically benefit from "conception-on-the-run." The film
The African Queen
was, for me, one of the most romantic movies of all time. Humphrey Bogart gives up being a surly, drunk, self-designated outcast for Katharine Hepburn, who gives up being an up-tight, prissy, self-avowed spinster, for a
cause
, using his little beat-up boat to sink a German war boat. Having that joint goal (well, she had to work hard to get him out of his shell to be brave enough to re-join the world), and having to deal with deadly elements on a six-foot power skiff together, they built something really romantic. Those of you who are married and struggling with illness or the economic "elements" should watch that movie together...twice! I believe it will make you snuggle. What brings people really close together is not just itinerant sex. It is a joint goal, the attainment of which requires you both to become MORE. Sometimes that goal is survival, and at other times, it may be the birth of a child, or a commitment to some effort in the world. Great sex is the prize...it is
not
the substance of true love.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:55ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/221.html2010-05-13T08:08:54Z2010-05-13T08:08:54ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:54ZThe Solution to Unwanted PregnanciesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Solution-to-Unwanted-Pregnancies/222.html2010-05-13T08:08:53Z2010-05-13T08:08:53ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:53ZThere's No Time Like The PresentStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Theres-No-Time-Like-The-Present/223.html2010-05-13T08:08:53Z2010-05-13T08:08:53Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A few months ago, I saw the movie
"The Bucket List."
It's about these two older guys who, presumably, are terminally ill, and one of them mentions a "kick the bucket list," meaning that you make a list of all the things you want to do before you die (and then, hopefully, go do them). The movie is interesting and well done, and well worth seeing. It stars Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson.Since then, I've had some thoughts on and off about the concept, and decided that I don't want to have a bucket list when my time comes close. I want to do and see and say and experience the things that matter to me waaaaay before they become an almost-Last Supper moment. So I've been going over in my mind what it is that I would put on that list. And I'm happy to say......nothing.I wanted an adventure on the high seas, so with a crew of experienced sailors, I'm going to be doing just that in mid-March, when we race from Los Angeles to Cabo San Lucas in Mexico. It will take about four days or so, and we have to work, sleep, and eat in shifts 24 hours per day of sailing. It will be grueling, cold, and sometimes scary at night if the winds are up. The food will be "ucky," and there won't be hot showers or heated blankets. And yet, I can't wait, because it's an ADVENTURE! It pushes my limits and challenges me in new ways. It's good to have adventures, as long as you don't ignore your responsibilities, and enjoy the challenges that are there.Day-to-day experiences and routines can get monotonous - that's just life. So don't wait. Come up with your own adventure (camping with the family, training for some physical event or whatever you want) and just do it!!Staff2010-05-13T08:08:53ZGovernor Sanford's Wife Admits to Living a LieStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Governor-Sanfords-Wife-Admits-to-Living-a-Lie/224.html2010-05-13T08:08:52Z2010-05-13T08:08:52ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:52ZWhy Celebrate Valentine's Day?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Celebrate-Valentines-Day/225.html2010-05-13T08:08:52Z2010-05-13T08:08:52ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:52ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/226.html2010-05-13T08:08:51Z2010-05-13T08:08:51ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:51ZPetty Annoyances Are Exactly That - Petty!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Petty-Annoyances-Are-Exactly-That---Petty!/227.html2010-05-13T08:08:50Z2010-05-13T08:08:50Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>If you're a frequent listener to my radio program, you've probably heard me say to someone seemingly immersed in a petty annoyance: "You must have a charmed and uncomplicated life to have the time and energy to be upset about something that's ultimately so minuscule." Yeah, I know that sounds snarky, but the point is made. If your life is filled with the awe of the sky when the sun first comes up, scurrying to do some projects for charity, coming up with ideas to support a friend in emotional need, treating your spouse as though you adored every breath they take, having daily physical activity that makes you sweat and feel great afterwards, taking on a new challenge in a hobby or education at the local community college or adult extension, having a day a week you get together with buddies to play poker, make a quilt or whatever....when your life is filled in such expansive ways, then the quirky disappointments of family and friends will be shrugged off with a small smile and a lack of real concern. Try activity instead of pouting or letting your anger simmer.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:50ZCBS Does the Right Thing for Super Bowl XLIVStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/CBS-Does-the-Right-Thing-for-Super-Bowl-XLIV/228.html2010-05-13T08:08:50Z2010-05-13T08:08:50Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I am so proud of the CBS Television Network. There's been a ridiculous furor over a planned Super Bowl ad featuring college football star Tim Tebow, funded by Focus on the Family. It recounts the story of Pam Tebow's pregnancy in 1987. After getting sick, she ignored doctors' recommendations to abort her fifth child, and gave birth to Tim Tebow, who went on to win the 2007 Heisman Trophy and guide the Florida Gators to two BCS championships. This should be an inspirational story for women. Not according to NOW (the National Organization of "I don't know what kind of" Women), NARAL, and other organizations which support women killing the babies in their bodies if they wanna. These "feminista" types generally call themselves "pro-choice." Well, it looks like they're not too happy about the promotion of women who
don't
make the choice to kill their baby. When a woman's inspirational story of making the
choice
to avoid an abortion to take the risk of giving birth to her child becomes
controversial
in a culture, that culture has degraded to a horrible point. It is frightening to me that NOT killing the baby in your body is controversial, but killing the baby in your body is not controversial. Here's my idea: let's make an ad for the "pro-killing baby" feminista types. Show a brief clip of the baby being macerated and then shift focus to a happy woman who's celebrating that death and her resulting freedom. Then let's make an ad for a woman who doesn't want her baby who goes to term and gives the baby to a stable family - a married mom and dad -- for adoption, and shift focus to a happy woman who's celebrating that life and her freedom. Then, let's vote.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:50ZIf I Could Afford Help, I'd Enjoy My Children MoreStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/If-I-Could-Afford-Help,-Id-Enjoy-My-Children-More/229.html2010-05-13T08:08:49Z2010-05-13T08:08:49ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:49ZJohn Edwards' Co-Conspirator in BetrayalStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/John-Edwards-Co-Conspirator-in-Betrayal/230.html2010-05-13T08:08:48Z2010-05-13T08:08:48Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>By this time, you all know that former Presidential hopeful John Edwards is not longer hopeful about too much. According to press reports, Elizabeth Edwards has left him.After the Clintons and many other high profile power couples' personal issues with marital problems and affairs, I think we're all pretty numbed and crass about it all.This blog is not about affairs - it's about another form of betrayal. Andrew Young was a former aide of the Edwards' who was personally intimate with them and a co-conspirator in John Edwards' tacky affair and secrecy surrounding his illegitimate child. In fact, in addition to harboring the bimbo in his home, Andrew Young tried to take the credit for this baby to keep his boss in the limelight in a more positive way.All of this has now hit the fan, and these three are no longer speaking. Andrew Young has written a "tell-all" book, "
The Politician
," which goes on sale this week. He maligns Elizabeth and John and even goes so far as to say that they both conspired to use her cancer diagnosis to promote John's campaign for President. I don't know if that's true or not, but it just sounds so disgusting that I can't wrap my mind around it. What a despicable character Andrew Young is! First, for benefitting from his relationship with the Edwards family (with privileges, opportunities, trust, bonding, financial compensation, power and friendship), and then making money by betraying their confidences when he was a definite co-conspirator in everything they did (which he now criticizes). People who do that are scum.Years ago, Eddie Fisher also wrote a tell-all book about the women he was intimate with, including Debbie Reynolds and Elizabeth Taylor. Why they, or any of the other women, had anything to do with that toad is beyond me, but they did. He did a "kiss and tell" book. Disgusting. All to make a buck. He betrayed the tender confidences of women who once cared about him.I ran into him while he was on his book tour, and we were both appearing on a television interview program. He dared to come up to me to cheerfully introduce himself. I cut him short, saying I knew who he was, and that he was a disgusting human being and obviously not a gentleman for the book he wrote and now was hawking. He looked stunned, and that made my moment! I turned my back on him and then slowly, deliberately walked away. He was trying to say something to me, but I just didn't care.Instead of buying Andrew Young's book demonizing Elizabeth and John Edwards, spend that money on buying some good children's books for your local school library.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:48ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/231.html2010-05-13T08:08:47Z2010-05-13T08:08:47ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:47ZWhy I Don't Like Reality TV ShowsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-I-Dont-Like-Reality-TV-Shows/232.html2010-05-13T08:08:46Z2010-05-13T08:08:46Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Why don't I like so-called "reality" or "actuality" TV shows? Because they're mean. They are
intended
to be mean, because "mean" is entertaining to some segments of the audience, and that scares me. Throwing Christians to the lions and watching gladiators fight to the death used to be considered wonderful entertainment in ancient times. And while I'm not comparing actually
killing
someone with humiliating and demeaning them, there is a continuum here. Christians and slaves didn't volunteer to become fodder for death to those eating popcorn in the stands. The people on TV do volunteer to put themselves in situations which contribute to the demise of public taste, humane behavior, compassion and sensitivity. They humiliate themselves for attention and profit. That they volunteer for it doesn't make doing it to them right. It just makes them terribly pathetic. When people go on an "
American Idol
"-like program in the hopes of being discovered for their talents, a simple "winning" or "losing" seems sufficient to me. However, having judges who become popular by hurling horrendously insulting comments seems to be the real motivation for these programs. Hurting people in front of others is an egregious act. Televising it, or making money off of sponsors who support it, so that people at home can feel superior and powerful (because they're
not
the ones being attacked) is purely disgusting. These shows bring out the worst in people. Martians watching our entertainment media would probably choose not to come to our planet, or else just wipe us off the face of the galaxy, because of how humanity displays itself on television (much less the Internet and the United Nations). No one is ashamed anymore. They pass it off as giving the audience what it wants. "It's only TV," or "it's only a way to make a living," they say. Sad.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:46ZMy Husband Won't Change Clothes and I'm WorriedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/My-Husband-Wont-Change-Clothes-and-Im-Worried/233.html2010-05-13T08:08:45Z2010-05-13T08:08:45ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:45ZApologizing Long After the OffenseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Apologizing-Long-After-the-Offense/234.html2010-05-13T08:08:45Z2010-05-13T08:08:45Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Lately, I've been asked quite often by callers if it is "okay" to apologize to someone for a wrongdoing even years after the offense. I can understand why that question might be asked. It can feel a bit embarrassing to have to face someone and face up to what you've done. It is worrisome that they might not be gracious about your apology. It is possible that they might "lay into you." It may be that they say "You caused me so much grief and pain that I can't forgive you." They might not even be willing to talk to you. Or, they might say, with tears, "Thank you. That means a lot to me."It IS a big risk to take. But the most valued things in life do come with a big risk attached. That's part of what gives them value.You must remember, however, that whatever
their
response might be, you are doing the apology not to wipe the slate clean (damage is damage, and some never goes away), but because true repentance requires that you do what it takes to repair the damage. That includes the sincere...
sincere
...apology. None of that "if you were hurt, then I'm sorry" nonsense. That is pure annoyance! So, if you truly have remorse (and are not just trying to manipulate someone into a situation which benefits
you
), then apologize...
anytime
...and tolerate their first and maybe second unpleasant reaction. Seeds take time to germinate, and coping with an apology means the whole thing is brought up again in their minds. Be patient and understanding. While they may never forgive you, know that you still did the right thing.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:45ZBocce Ball and the Joy of LearningStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Bocce-Ball-and-the-Joy-of-Learning/235.html2010-05-13T08:08:44Z2010-05-13T08:08:44Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>My birthday was a little over a week ago, and my husband actually got away with setting up a surprise party for me. I went to the party location under the guise that we were going to use a “Happy Birthday” coupon for a free dinner. It was wonderful to see the many people who have meant, do mean, and always will mean something important to me (and the cake and dancing were great too)!I want to mention one particular gift: a bocce ball set. I sent out all my gift “thank yous,” and when it came to the bocce ball set, I said something like “”Thank you so much for the bocce ball set. I don’t know how to play it, but, heck, learning yet another sport is a great idea! Ha ha ha!”I added the “ha ha ha” because I hike, I play tennis and badminton, I shoot pool, do yoga, race a sailboat and work out...and do at least one of these
daily
. But then I thought about my “joke” and realized it IS a very good idea to learn yet another “whatever” all the time. Part of the joy of being alive (and a large part of what keeps your brain and body healthy and your mood positive) is having purpose in your life and learning something new all the time.People who don’t continue to grow, be challenged, learn and be involved in activities tend to “contract,” have depression problems, and compromise the quality of their aging and actual life span.So, while this blog is not an ad for bocce ball, it is a suggestion (and don’t forget who’s making it!) for you to
constantly challenge yourself
with everything from crossword puzzles to chasing butterflies. The more you are invested in the opportunities of living, the more you will enjoy it and be alert and happy.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:44ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/236.html2010-05-13T08:08:43Z2010-05-13T08:08:43ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:43ZThere's No Growth Without Some PainStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Theres-No-Growth-Without-Some-Pain/237.html2010-05-13T08:08:42Z2010-05-13T08:08:42Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Guilt and longing are two very human emotions that often blend into a desperate glue that keeps people stuck in situations they ought not to be in. Whether it is with family, friends or a prospective spouse, trust that small, smart voice inside of you which repeats the mantra you try to ignore:
"This is destructive or dangerous. Let it go or get out."
Decent people feel guilty about pulling away from a relationship because "it will hurt the other person's feelings," and decent people just cringe at the idea of causing another emotional pain. That's nice, but
guilt
is a cue that what you're doing is
wrong
, not that what you're doing is something somebody else just doesn't want or like. There is no intent to hurt in this situation. There is only the intent to preserve one's own emotional and physical safety and/or well-being.Longing is a natural condition - i.e., wanting something to be right and good because you've invested in it, and because it is a good thing to want: a great, happy, healthy, mutually fulfilling relationship is always a blessing. However, when that is clearly
not
the case, then withdrawing is the healthiest and, therefore, right thing to do. It is difficult for people to give up their dreams, but you have to remember that the
dream
is not the problem. The current
object
of that dream is the problem. Take your dream and plant it where it can actually grow well.Remember, there is no growth without discomfort or outright pain. Consider growing pains of the emotional sort just a natural course of events as you mature, and make wise decisions. Choose wisely; treat kindly. Treating kindly won't work if you haven't chosen wisely.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:42ZChildren Today Are Overly Anxious and DepressedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Children-Today-Are-Overly-Anxious-and-Depressed/238.html2010-05-13T08:08:41Z2010-05-13T08:08:41Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>There's a new study out from San Diego State University saying that children and young adults today are the most anxious and depressed of the last seventy years.I'm not surprised at all. Having too many choices is chaos. Morals and values have been sacrificed in favor of infamy and fortune. When sports heroes are infamous and rich because they took drugs to increase their performance, that is demoralizing to kids who work hard to aspire to athletic greatness simply by practicing a lot. When other young people get famous for flaunting drugs and anti-social behavior, it makes it difficult for the kids who simply work hard.When you have a major Hollywood producer/director putting together a movie to excuse and explain Hitler (in context, he says), you have a generation that has no clear understanding of evil.When you have military dying in the fields of foreign countries because we are at war with a religious ideology that wants to terminate western civilization, and one of their combatants is caught and tried only as a common criminal, you have a generation that is confused.When you have a culture that does not support the basic building block of education - the family - we have children turning to equally confused peers and pop culture.When the people in positions of power, authority and fame turn out to be of little character, you have a generation that doesn't know what to respect or whom to emulate.It all matters.Our kids pay the price.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:41ZCan Men and Women Be Just Friends?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Can-Men-and-Women-Be-Just-Friends/239.html2010-05-13T08:08:40Z2010-05-13T08:08:40ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:40ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/240.html2010-05-13T08:08:39Z2010-05-13T08:08:39ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:39ZWhen Others Are Hurting, Can You Still Have A Good Day?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-Others-Are-Hurting,-Can-You-Still-Have-A-Good-Day/241.html2010-05-13T08:08:39Z2010-05-13T08:08:39Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A number of people have expressed to me that they feel somewhat guilty that their lives are so blessed and/or peaceful right now while people are being blown up in Afghanistan, Pakistan and other places - and by their own countrymen! Or that people are suffering and dying by the tens of thousands in Haiti in the aftermath of a devastating earthquake."How [they ask] can I dare to have a good day when all of this is happening?"I think that's a good question asked by decent people. The answer is simple: what choice do you have?Shall you undermine yourself and those who count on you by crumbling under the awareness of this cruelty of people and nature? Does that add to the miserly of the world? YES. Does that minimize the misery of the world? NO.Your job is to do and be your best and to bring light into darkness in your own mind and home, and among family, friends, and community. Where you have the wherewithal and the expertise to extend that to deserving people and places, do so because all humanity benefits by your action of caring - if not aided
directly
, then at the very least inspired by your example.Where you can't extend yourself to some place around the world, be cognizant that compassion and love in a circle around you has a ripple effect to help perfect the world for whatever moments of bliss might exist. They add up. Whether close at hand or off to a distant land, when you extend mercy, you do an act which magnificently defines humanity.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:39ZConversation vs. ConfrontationStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Conversation-vs.-Confrontation/242.html2010-05-13T08:08:38Z2010-05-13T08:08:38Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Let's talk about having conversations. You read that right - I didn't goof and actually mean
confrontation
, which typically is what I hear most about on my radio program. It is not a good plan to think of trying to communicate something delicate or important to someone by approaching them through the lenses of battle, which is what confrontation implies.There are ways to deal with another person on difficult issues that don't necessarily feel like the throwing down of a gauntlet (an attack against which they have to be defensive). The moment you get someone's defenses up, the quicker the whole situation degenerates into a "lose/lose" predicament, usually making things even worse than they were.If the information is to a loved one, start out with a "Sweetie" or "Honey" or something that sets the tone as one of friendship, love or caring. Continue with the explanation that it is to
improve
the situation that you're coming to them (because you don't want the relationship hurt by misunderstandings or errors in judgment or word choice). Then they know that you are not attacking them, but you are trying to preserve the relationship and they will be more open to hearing your point of view.It's also important to start out with some verbal "gift," i.e., that you compliment them with sincerity by suggesting that you understand what their position might be, but that you're confused, hurt, upset or worried that ________ [fill in the blank]. Remind them what you've meant to each other and how you want that to continue, and that this is a glitch which can be remedied with mutual consideration and understanding.If you're up against a reasonable, caring individual, things will go well. If you're up against an
un
reasonable, self-centered human being, things will go well if you walk away.Rule number "PRE-one:" Don't wait for emotions to fester. Handle things as they happen before you work yourself up to the point that you can't be reasonable.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:38ZForgiving the Thoughtlessness of OthersStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Forgiving-the-Thoughtlessness-of-Others/243.html2010-05-13T08:08:37Z2010-05-13T08:08:37Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The other day, someone made an honest comment to me about a gift I gave them - a rude comment, but an honest one.This is the sort of circumstance I hear about a lot on my radio program. Callers get very upset about some small moment of discomfort, stupidity, rudeness, thoughtlessness - you get my drift. It sends them into a tizzy, because I guess they yearn for this perfect world where everyone else's behavior conforms to what it is that makes
them
happy.People are largely busy with their own lives, and they don't always monitor their mouths or body language. Sometimes, they're prone to say things without consideration of how it might be received.So, back to my story - I just laughed. Look, my feelings can get hurt just like yours. But since I am "Dr. Laura," and because I have the experience of over six decades on the planet, I have learned to choose what will annoy me. When you have friends and acquaintances, you have to 1) cut everyone some "stupidity slack" once in a while (as you would have them forgive you); 2) look at the totality of that person and realize that, percentage-wise, they're "fine," and 3) decide whether or not their action was intentionally meant to do you harm or was just a quirk of their personality.When someone is downright evil, please avoid them.When someone is simply a bit thoughtless of others, then put them in their place...in your mind, that is. Know that they have this "quirky-ness" and in the future, don't have expectations for them that are out-of-proportion.You can still be friendly, and even be friends, once you accept their limitations.So, if you don't have a "goat" to
get
, they can't get your goat!Staff2010-05-13T08:08:37ZBringing My Baby to WorkStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Bringing-My-Baby-to-Work/244.html2010-05-13T08:08:36Z2010-05-13T08:08:36ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:36ZListen to that Small Voice InsideStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Listen-to-that-Small-Voice-Inside/245.html2010-05-13T08:08:35Z2010-05-13T08:08:35Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I notice that there are way too many people who want to believe that "not wanting to know something is true" will magically make it "
not
true." If it worked, I'd bottle and sell it.I'd like a dollar for each caller to my radio program who complains about some extraordinary behavior or circumstance that is making them miserable in their relationship, whether they're dating, already married, or married and three kids later! I ask the dreaded question:
"Did you see/know about this before you...?"
At first, frankly, most people lie and say
"No."
Sensing they're being defensive, I push. Finally, they admit it by modulating it:
"Well, it wasn't
that
bad."
Meaning, of course, that they knew it and didn't
want
to know it.Why does this happen?1. We don't want our dreams and desires squished.2. We are so far along with our feelings and actions (sex, engagement, long dating) that we simply don't want to lose what we have, or we don't want to lose face.So, the next step is "magical thinking:"
"Well, LOVE should fix this,"
or
"It's really not that bad,"
or we simply just try to ignore it. When parents or friends bring it to our attention, we find ways to extinguish reality by claiming that they are just exaggerating or wanting to hurt you or take away your happiness or are too bossy or too critical.Every now and then I get a caller, as I did recently, who was only dating a few weeks and was seeing what some would call a "red flag." She wanted to check it with me to see if she was being unnecessarily cautious or critical. After listening to her, I complimented her on listening to that small voice inside which was telling her
"NO...not this one!"
So what I wish for all of you this new year is to
listen to that small voice
of good sense, and put aside emotion and magical thinking. The road to hell is not built with good sense.Keep that in mind.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:35ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/246.html2010-05-13T08:08:35Z2010-05-13T08:08:35ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:35ZLessons Learned from Shooting PoolStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Lessons-Learned-from-Shooting-Pool/247.html2010-05-13T08:08:34Z2010-05-13T08:08:34Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I thought I'd continue with the theme of new beginnings during the first week of the new year by telling you a "biggie" for me - something I had to learn at a deeper level than just on an intellectual level. I took up the game of pool about a year ago. And like everything I do, I jumped into it "full bore" and with ferocity unmatched by any other living creature. I practiced hours every day in this mad-like rush to conquer this goal as soon as I possibly could.In general, my enthusiasm and full commitment pay off in learning and conquering new goals, but there are some that actually require a
dispassionate
approach. That was tough for me. I got thoroughly emotional whenever I missed even one shot! I quit several times out of utter frustration. Fortunately, I have a great coach/teacher who keeps trying to get me to be quite robotic. He has me do what amounts to a ritual routine with each shot: look at the shot and imagine it happening as I put chalk on the cue tip. Then, put the chalk down and I pretend I'm doing the shot once or twice in the air, then get way down on the table and do practice motions up to the cue ball and then fire.Once I am down, no more thinking, moving, judging...just faith that my mind and body have this covered. This took the better part of a year to learn. But it works.The too easy frustration with myself comes from a most critical father's constant berating of me, and taking up pool has helped a tremendous amount with getting rid of that knee-jerk response. I was setting up my weaving loom the other day, and everything was going wrong. The set-up looked seriously trashy. But instead of getting down on myself (like I would have done before), I just smiled, leaned over, cut it all off the loom and threw it away. I walked away feeling quite accomplished! Why? I just accepted that sometimes it doesn't work - thrown away yarn is not the end of the world - and having the calm to make that decision to come back and loom another day is a big victory!I hope this story helps you.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:34ZFive Ways to Be HappierStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Five-Ways-to-Be-Happier/248.html2010-05-13T08:08:32Z2010-05-13T08:08:32ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:32ZDisciplining Other People's ChildrenStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Disciplining-Other-Peoples-Children/249.html2010-05-13T08:08:32Z2010-05-13T08:08:32ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:32ZThe Best Way To Make New Year's ResolutionsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Best-Way-To-Make-New-Years-Resolutions/250.html2010-05-13T08:08:32Z2010-05-13T08:08:32Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I was asked the other day what New Year's resolutions I'm making. I couldn't come up with any, not because I'm in denial about having to change anything about my life, but because it's just that I live each week, much less each day, already making those changes that I choose. I like the idea of frequent "small course changes," rather than abrupt, major alterations in one's life. I find that the latter kinds of changes are harder to keep, since they are such a divergence from normal reality and routine.So, I'm not trying to talk you out of losing that 100 pounds, or finishing the roof on your house all by yourself. I just believe that it's unrealistic to put yourself in front of a 100-foot-tall pile of whatever with a spoon and told to "go at it."If it's weight that you want to lose, forget about that, and just decide not to have salad dressing loaded with fat calories, and just decide to walk 1 mile with music in your ear - iPod-style. When
that
gets too familiar (or starts to feel "old"), then decide that you have to eat smaller portions and ride your bike for 1 mile each day (but I recommend doing that
without
the iPod, in order for you to hear traffic). Get it?
Small
things are easier to stay with, because you get instant gratification, which we all love.The weight? Don't get on the scale more than twice a month. Just revel in those small changes. The weight will take care of itself. And then, you can go shopping for new clothes (yay)!Staff2010-05-13T08:08:32ZThe Word of the YearStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Word-of-the-Year/251.html2010-05-13T08:08:31Z2010-05-13T08:08:31ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:31ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/252.html2010-05-13T08:08:31Z2010-05-13T08:08:31ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:31ZThe Most Important Job in the WorldStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Most-Important-Job-in-the-World/253.html2010-05-13T08:08:30Z2010-05-13T08:08:30Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>From a listener after hearing another caller on my radio program:
Dr. Laura:
I grew up listening to you as my own stay-at-home mother bussed [sic] my three siblings and me home after school. Listening to you teach the moms that would call in, I remember thinking that if I ever had kids, I would be "my kid's mom." I saw Mom spend over 10 years at home with us, and the investment and dedication [she] modeled stuck with me. Now I am a 24 year-old stay-at-home mom to a bright 13-month-old son.
I just finished listening to a caller who was wondering about taking some yoga classes to get her certification. I knew exactly where she was coming from, because recently, I also was debating starting grad classes or taking up a part-time job.
The past week, I have been feeling like a hamster in a wheel -- no goals, [no] direction, not really getting anywhere. I've been comparing myself to my "friends" who are in grad school, building their careers, globe-trotting, but also "family - less." I felt like maybe I needed to keep up. I thought you were being too hard on [the caller] until you said something that led me to tears.
You told her she had the most important job in the world right now, [and] that there will be time to take the yoga classes later. I've heard you say things like that before, but this time, you were speaking directly to me.
Thank you for that encouragement and truth. All these years, you were telling everyone else, but I've finally made it my own. I do have the most important job in the world. It's challenging, character-building, but full of blessings. This little boy is growing up very fast.
The rat race can wait...I am MY kid's mom!Staff2010-05-13T08:08:30ZMoral NearsightednessStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Moral-Nearsightedness/254.html2010-05-13T08:08:29Z2010-05-13T08:08:29Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Earlier this month, I took a call that I thought was a perfect example of how "moral nearsightedness" is overcoming American society.This twenty-something young woman was pregnant out-of-wedlock, "shacking up" with her alleged fiance (they are living with his father), and the fiance doesn't have enough income to support a wife and child.But
that's not why she called!!
In fact, when I pointed out the irresponsibility and immaturity of conceiving out of wedlock with a guy incapable of supporting a family, I got back:
"Well, that's not my question!"
(And, by the way, she didn't want to have a wedding until after the baby was born and she got her figure back in order to wear a white gown).Her question actually related to her mother. Apparently, her mommy came to visit and "got it on" with the fiance's dad....
all night
. There were other children (of other family members) in the home when this was happening.That's as far as she got when I said:
"It's genetic."
She responded with:
"What?"
I repeated and expanded:
"It's genetic...having no moral foundation for decisions. Like mother, like daughter."
Now that may sound harsh to you, but truth often is, and there was nothing I could do to change anything about this situation. She was already "shacking up" and pregnant; her mother already had humped the maybe future father-in-law. Her question was going to be about confronting her mom about this outrageous behavior. I couldn't bear to hear her even go there, considering she was the pot and the kettle all by herself.It's a shame both of our eyes point only outwards. It would be a far, far better thing if one of them turned inwards.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:29ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/255.html2010-05-13T08:08:28Z2010-05-13T08:08:28ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:28ZDon't Let Holiday Stress Take OverStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dont-Let-Holiday-Stress-Take-Over/256.html2010-05-13T08:08:27Z2010-05-13T08:08:27ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:27ZA Kind Gesture for One In UniformStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-Kind-Gesture-for-One-In-Uniform/257.html2010-05-13T08:08:27Z2010-05-13T08:08:27Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Since this is the season of giving, I thought I'd share with you a letter I got from an Army Captain who was the recipient of a kind deed from a stranger:
Dr. Laura:I am an active duty soldier stationed at Ft. Bragg, North Carolina. I am not a regular coffee drinker, but after a week of unusually early mornings and late nights, I pulled into the drive-thru of a popular coffee chain this morning on my way to work in need of a caffeine kick. As you would expect, I placed my order and waited behind a few cars until it was my turn to pay and go. When I pulled up to the window, the cashier handed me my cup and informed me that the lady in the car ahead of me had noticed my uniform and graciously paid my tab.
I'll never be able to thank that lady personally for her kindness, but perhaps she is a listener of yours, and I hope a short note of appreciation can articulate what these kind gestures - no matter how seemingly small - mean to us in the service. I am always moved by the gratitude and patriotism of strangers, and I never forget a simple word of thanks or the enduring impact that it has.
Thank you for everything that you do, Dr. Laura, for us in uniform. I subscribe to your podcast so that I never miss a minute of your wisdom and insight no matter where in the world I find myself these days.
Airborne!Captain W.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:27ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/258.html2010-05-13T08:08:26Z2010-05-13T08:08:26ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:26ZTiger Woods: Athlete of the Year?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Tiger-Woods:--Athlete-of-the-Year/259.html2010-05-13T08:08:26Z2010-05-13T08:08:26ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:26ZThe Foundation for A Better LifeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Foundation-for-A-Better-Life/260.html2010-05-13T08:08:25Z2010-05-13T08:08:25Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>There is very little broadcast television that matters, but there is a lot of broadcast television that tears down morale and morality.There is one ray of persistent sunshine - the one minute spots produced by The Foundation for A Better Life. These are the most touching, moving, elevating, lovely video essays you can imagine. The one I saw in the middle of watching the 5:30AM morning news showed a ferocious scene of a very physical professional hockey game. The scene then shifts to the locker room where all these sweaty, huge and muscular macho guys are getting ready for the next game. One of them is on the telephone, trying to hide his face and voice from the rest of his buddies. He's clearly uncomfortable, but doing what the person on the other end of the phone is asking him to do: sing the "itsy bitsy spider." The scene cuts to his little daughter giggling with delight as Daddy sings to her while Mommy holds her on her lap. Daddy finishes the song, and tells his daughter he loves her. He hangs up to find his buddies surrounding him and doing the hand motions of the itsy bitsy spider going up the water spout. He says "Hey, it's my girl - my daughter," and all the guys smile like crazy.It's just so lovely. The Foundation for A Better Life has a website - check it out at
www.values.com
. Look at their archives. Be touched and moved like me, and be elevated in your mood as you try to survive the moral decay of our society. There
is
a light!Staff2010-05-13T08:08:25ZGambling on Bad BehaviorStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Gambling-on-Bad-Behavior/261.html2010-05-13T08:08:24Z2010-05-13T08:08:24Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Frankly, I'm fed up with excuses for out-of-control, bad behavior. Excuses like: 1) it's an addiction 2) it's somebody else's fault.Nothing is going to change in anyone's life until responsibility for choices, actions, or
in
actions is taken.Here's an example: during a year-long gambling binge at the Caesar's Palace and Rio casinos in Las Vegas in 2007, Terrence Watanabe managed to lose nearly $127
million
(most of his personal fortune). Watanabe - unmarried, no kids - who spent his adult life working around the clock for his father's import novelty business, picked up gambling in Las Vegas and was treated like a king.Apparently, he drank to excess, and is claiming that the casinos named in his lawsuit violated gambling regulations by not shutting off his ability to gamble when he was drunk - which is a state rule.Mr. Watanabe is also a criminal defendant who faces 28 years in prison for "intent to defraud and steal from Harrah's," stemming from $14.7 million that the casino says it extended to him as credit and that he lost.So, which is it? Is Watanabe responsible for his debts, drunk or sober? Or is Harrah's responsible as they allegedly let him gamble and lose when he was drunk?Well, it might be BOTH!Watanabe may have a case if, indeed, Harrah's broke the law about allowing drunks to gamble.HOWEVER (and it is a BIG "however"), that argument might work for Watanabe for
one
tour of gambling, but when sober -
sober
, mind you - he made the
choice...the
choice
...
to go back to Harrah's, drink, gamble, lose, ask for credit, and not pay the full amount he owed.Watanabe is responsible for his bad behavior, bad habits and debts. If Harrah's employees kept him gambling when he was "fall-down drunk," then they have to deal with the civil courts and the gaming commission of the state. However, how drunk do you have to be before you are not responsible for deciding on a bet, physically pushing chips forward, and so on? If you're fall down drunk, you're probably not able to do those things. He placed his bets; he lost. He needs to pay up.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:24ZPresents from the HeartStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Presents-from-the-Heart/262.html2010-05-13T08:08:23Z2010-05-13T08:08:23ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:23ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/263.html2010-05-13T08:08:22Z2010-05-13T08:08:22ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:22ZAlienation of Affection Law Could Help Tiger Woods' WifeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Alienation-of-Affection-Law-Could-Help-Tiger-Woods-Wife/264.html2010-05-13T08:08:22Z2010-05-13T08:08:22Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I understand that the list is now at 14 distinct dalliances by Tiger Woods, and the count is likely to grow. One of the reasons the legal types are interested in this situation is the precedent for "alienation of affection" suits, which can be filed when an "outsider" interferes in a marriage. These suits are allowed in seven states: Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota and Utah. Why these suits are disallowed in all the other states is a curiosity. Perhaps lawmakers in those states were being pre-emptively self-protective. Who knows?However, it doesn't matter that Woods lives in Florida, a state where alienation of affections suits aren't allowed. If any of Woods' professed affairs took place in an alienation of affection state, Mrs. Tiger Woods could sue. According to my research, the suits rarely make it to trial - usually the threat of such an embarrassing lawsuit is enough to have it end up in an out-of-court financial settlement.On my radio program, when I discuss with the "wronged" spouse their pain and desire to get revenge with the "other woman or man," I remind them that it is their
spouse
who breached vows. The other individual was just the means to that sad end. When people don't wish to leave their marriages, they often focus their rage on that other person to protect their spouse from their rage. However, I believe it ought to be common understanding that the vows include a warning to others: "let no man turn asunder" means that no one should interfere with the married couple's intimacy. All society has really taken that vow. Therefore, I believe it is fair that there be some consequence, and perhaps compensation, for the hurt caused.I think all states should allow such lawsuits, as they respect the sanctity of marriage.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:22ZTiger WoodsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Tiger-Woods/265.html2010-05-13T08:08:21Z2010-05-13T08:08:21Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>My comments today are short and to the point.With respect to Tiger Woods:He is the best golfer ever.He is a philandering spouse of major proportions.Should that matter?It was posited to me that what a celebrity does outside of his or her "famous" activity should not matter to anyone.I thought about that for about an hour, and then decided this:That statement is correct,
unless
that celebrity makes hay (or money) on the issue of
TRUST
, which Tiger Woods does by using his name and image as a "nice guy" to sell products. He is untrustworthy...plain and simple, and therefore, should not be representing anything or anyone, because his word means nothing.He is a great golfer.So what.He is
not
a great man/father/husband.End of commentary.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:21ZUsing the Web to Get RevengeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Using-the-Web-to-Get-Revenge/266.html2010-05-13T08:08:20Z2010-05-13T08:08:20Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>In a recent radio interview, I discussed the issue of "webtribution," a term coined by Elizabeth Bernstein in
The Wall Street Journal
to describe people who use the Internet to get revenge - i.e., publicly to hurt another human being with whom they are not happy.The Internet is anonymous, immediate, and gratifying in the moment. In human history, vengeance is not unfamiliar - people haven't changed that much. Their means of delivering pain has evolved from poison, duels, clever rumors, and Machiavellian manipulation to the world wide web. In some ways, damaging someone's reputation is akin to murdering them, as their reputation is devastated world-wide and forever, making it difficult for them to function in private relationships as well as in the community and at work.To quote
The Wall Street Journal:
"Most of us have heard of someone posting naked photos of an 'ex' online. Or writing nasty reviews for a restaurant or book, not because they dislike the product, but because they dislike the person who created it. Or signing up an acquaintance for [unwanted] e-mail advertising lists."
My opinion is that it should be illegal, as it is immoral, to post information or opinion about people without identifying yourself. Obviously, it is also cowardly. Google and all other such carriers should not permit anonymity. That would immediately change the complexion of what is posted, and I don't think they'd lose business, except from those who use the Internet for evil (terrorists of the international and interpersonal kind).Staff2010-05-13T08:08:20ZBeing A Good Parent to A Grownup ChildStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Being-A-Good-Parent-to-A-Grownup-Child/267.html2010-05-13T08:08:19Z2010-05-13T08:08:19ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:19ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/268.html2010-05-13T08:08:18Z2010-05-13T08:08:18ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:18ZWife Turns in Pedophile HusbandStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Wife-Turns-in-Pedophile-Husband/269.html2010-05-13T08:08:18Z2010-05-13T08:08:18Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I remember when the Unabomber was caught. There was an uproar of indignation concerning the fact that it was his brother who "ratted" him out. When his brother saw the published ramblings of the serial murderer known as the "Unabomber," he recognized the sentiments, mentality, and writing style of his brother, and informed the police. If memory serves me right,
The Los Angeles Times
had either an editorial or an op-ed piece castigating the brother for essentially "turning on blood."That was a morally repugnant point of view. Protecting the innocent against evil is the responsibility of every human being, regardless of the "job description" of the evildoer - in this case, a sibling.Fortunately, in England, a wife of twenty years understood her responsibility to others (in this case, children), and set aside emotional pain and potential embarrassment. She set out to trap her husband, whom she suspected of being a pedophile. Apparently, her husband chatted with teenagers as he groomed them for sex.The wife pretended to be a 14 year old girl, and caught him in the act. She was in the neighboring living room while he was in his study sweating over a hot computer, setting "her" up for a meeting to have sex. He also used a webcam to carry out sex acts and send the videos over the Internet. Our plucky wife watched this in absolute disgust and horror.She then contacted police who seized his computer. She didn't march into his study to confront him, cry, or threaten. Like a good citizen, she just turned it all over to the authorities.
GOOD FOR HER!
He only received three years of community service and was banned indefinitely from having access in person or online to children under the age of 18. He also had to register as a sex offender, and, oh yes, she divorced him.
"I did the right thing, and I don't regret it. Now I just need some time to think and put this all behind me,"
she said to a reporter.She should have gotten a medal.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:18ZMaking It Personal for the HolidaysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Making-It-Personal-for-the-Holidays/270.html2010-05-13T08:08:16Z2010-05-13T08:08:16Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>My husband and I were very disappointed when we learned that we could not be with our military son on Thanksgiving. We casually mentioned to some friends that we were just going to have scrambled eggs and bagels for Thanksgiving dinner, because without him there, it just wasn't going to be worth the effort. Well, they kindly invited us to spend Thanksgiving with their family, and we accepted. I wanted to do something nice for them to
really
show them thanks for such a lovely gesture, so I knitted a seven-foot runner for their table. When it was finished, it seemed so "plain," that I spent four hours crocheting around the entire runner twice and added a fringe to the ends. When I gave it to her, she held it close to her chest near her heart, and her eyes teared up as she expressed her emotion for my putting in that amount of effort for her. I have to tell you that I've never felt so moved by a reaction to a gift in my life.She and her husband were doing something "personal" for me, and I wanted to return the favor. Having Thanksgiving with their adult children and a couple who were mutual friends made for a fabulous evening, with lots of laughs and a yummy turkey....mmmm.So, I've stopped buying bottles of wine and chocolate-filled baskets. I've been working around the clock for weeks either knitting, weaving, or sewing Christmas presents. I finished my last project for my "peeps" on Sunday (our office holiday party was on Tuesday), so I had a bit of a crunch for time. While it was exhausting and sometimes frustrating when equipment has a mind of its own, I feel giddy about giving gifts that are so much of myself. Clearly, it means more to the receiver AND the giver.To top it off, a few of my dearest friends sent me "Thanksgiving" e-mails, enumerating the reasons they felt grateful for having me in their lives. It blew my mind. It is incredibly touching to know that
you matter
to someone.I'm writing these stories to urge you all to do the same this Christmas. Don't buy a card - write to that person and let them know why they matter to you and what you appreciate about them and how you feel grateful for them. Instead of purchasing something generally useless that they might never use and will not cause them to reflect on your relationship, make something or do something. For example: plant some flowers on either side of their front door; make a rocking chair for the back porch; fix something on their property; take their kids for the night so they can have a romantic time to themselves....the list of possibilities is endless.
Make it personal
, and that doesn't require ridiculous expenditures for gifts that ultimately don't matter. Oh, and one more thing. We will see our kidlet for Christmas. The tree is already up.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:16ZA Letter from a Former "Stupid" ParentStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-Letter-from-a-Former-Stupid-Parent/271.html2010-05-13T08:08:15Z2010-05-13T08:08:15Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Today, I've got a guest blog today from Olivia:
Hi, Dr. Laura:
I am a 25 year old married mother of two small boys. Minutes ago, I just finishedreading your book "Stupid Things Parents Do To Mess Up Their Kids." This is why [my reading this] is so timely:
A year ago, some family crisis propelled me into quitting my part-time, yet demanding, job. In many ways, it was a dream job - part-time, flexible, good pay (or so I thought), and fantastic for my resume. My family began to deteriorate rather quickly in spite of our kids not being in day care. My job went to my head, and I spent horrible amounts of time on things that had nothing to do with my family, and even harmed my family relationships. I was being selfish, stupid, and immature as I sought out personal satisfaction and success.
After a major and deserving blow from life, I quit my job, in spite of my board wanting me to stay. In the last year, I have been focusing on my family more, but have been dabbling in a small business. Lately, business has been slow, and I have been praying for it to pick up, or to open my eyes to what God would have me do instead. Stupid, I know, as I have two beautiful sons staring me in the face every day.
A couple of days ago, when I was in the library with my kids, I had this sudden desire to grab a parenting book (no idea what kind), but in a rush I went to the section, perused quickly and grabbed your book. You loudly and clearly stating things I knew in my heart, but hadn't allowed to be voiced in my head. I really believe this was a divine intervention.
I know that I am not in the season of life to devote lots of time and energy to anything or anyone other than my family. You are completely right about everything you said in your book. Shame on the "so-called" (love how you made fun of that) professionals who tease, shame, and humiliate young, educated women who choose family over career. And shame on we self-proclaimed "strong" women who allow ourselves to be cowed from taking full-time responsibility for our children, family and home life if we are able.
I used to feel embarrassed or apologetic when admitting I was a married mother of two at my age. Now I feel grateful for the path I have chosen, and my joy is full as I recognize the deep personal growth and learning my divinely appointed "job" grants me each and every day as I sacrifice, love, and nurture my family.
Thanks, Dr. Laura. We need more women to speak out the way you do.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:15ZUnpaid Babysitting for the FamilyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Unpaid-Babysitting-for-the-Family/272.html2010-05-13T08:08:14Z2010-05-13T08:08:14ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:14ZExploiting Kids When Finances Are TightStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Exploiting-Kids-When-Finances-Are-Tight/273.html2010-05-13T08:08:14Z2010-05-13T08:08:14ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:14ZSocial Network Privacy Not So PrivateStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Social-Network-Privacy-Not-So-Private/274.html2010-05-13T08:08:13Z2010-05-13T08:08:13Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Facebook and MySpace and other social networking sites have become a means of not only communicating with so-called "friends," but they also allow for showing off and "going wild" in ways that often come back to bite...even when you think your site is private.According to the
Arizona Daily Star
, Ashley Payne, a teacher in an Arizona school said that she was forced to resign after photos and a comment posted on her Facebook page were forwarded to the superintendent of schools in her county. And she said she had the highest level of privacy controls on her site. The photos in question showed her in pubs and beer gardens while on summer vacation. In a comment on her Facebook page, she announced that she was headed to play a game called "Crazy Bitch Bingo."According to the Professional Association of Georgia Educators, the bottom line is that "the state code addresses on and off-campus behavior, including inappropriate relationships with students and anything that violates the mores of the community."I'm good with that, because teachers have a profound influence on young minds, and being role models seems an obvious obligation. Not enough teachers think about the consequences of their conduct, not just in terms of their own employment, but in terms of the well-being of the children for whom they are responsible. Posting extremely inappropriate sexual content and nudity on the web as well as posting photos of teachers yucking it up with booze is a breach of professional conduct.For teachers, this is obvious. However, each and every one of you must understand that
anybody
with knowledge can hack into your private site and edit as well as download and reproduce material elsewhere. Don't write or post pictures you would not want to see on the front page of
The New York Times
, unless, of course, you're into being infamous. The word "friend" is simply a term for someone with access to your site. Don't imagine that they necessarily have the honor of a real-life friend. Anything you write or post might be used against you.Now that this is all said, how about your just inviting
real
friends over for dinner and meaningful conversation?Staff2010-05-13T08:08:13ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/275.html2010-05-13T08:08:12Z2010-05-13T08:08:12ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:12ZTurkey With Dressing, No StressingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Turkey-With-Dressing,-No-Stressing/276.html2010-05-13T08:08:11Z2010-05-13T08:08:11ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:11ZDoing the Right Thing For Our VeteransStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Doing-the-Right-Thing-For-Our-Veterans/277.html2010-05-13T08:08:11Z2010-05-13T08:08:11Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I bet there were long lines to get the newest issuance of a video game series called "
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
." Ordinarily, I would ignore this "news," because I think spending more than 30 minutes a day playing any video game is a monumental waste of time, and the fast lane to psycho-social problems.That said, I hope everyone buys one of these games as soon as possible. If you care, the reviews for this latest title in the series are glowing, and in particular praise the "realism."But from "realism," we get to
reality
. Activision Blizzard, the company behind the game, is using the proceeds from the sale of
Modern Warfare 2
to fund organizations that provide veterans with job training and placement. There are more than a half million unemployed veterans living in the United States. For soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines making the transition back into civilian life, funding job training and placement are important and earned considerations.
Call of Duty Endowment
(or
CODE
), Activision Blizzard's non-profit benefit corporation's first grant is $125,000 to the Paralyzed Veterans of America, to help build a new vocational services center in Boston. CODE's directors say they hope to raise millions more for such projects.I look at this as a video game company
doing the right thing
by servicing those glorified on their highly profitable videos: we glorify fighting men and women; we honor them when they fall; now, one video company exploiting those realities to make a huge profit is honoring them in their need.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:11ZPoor Sportsmanship Rightfully PunishedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Poor-Sportsmanship-Rightfully-Punished/278.html2010-05-13T08:08:10Z2010-05-13T08:08:10Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Elizabeth Ann Lambert has been suspended indefinitely from playing college women's soccer. And that is a good thing.During the Mountain West Conference Women's Soccer semi-final recently between Brigham Young University and the University of New Mexico, BYU scored the only goal during the first half. BYU's outstanding player, Kassidy Shumway and the BYU scorer, Carlee Payne paid the price for that.According to the
New York Times
and what you can see on YouTube (in case you missed the news reports at the time) was a level of violence that escalated horrendously.Payne gave a slight "dig" with her elbow to Lambert, who retaliated with a punch between Payne's shoulder blades. What followed were tackles, kicks up to waist high, face punches and cleats aimed into the inner thigh, and Lambert's final violent jerk on Shumway's pony tail, which sent the six foot girl to the ground. It was frightening. I worried that the girl's neck could have been broken. While Shumway was on the ground, not moving, one of Lambert's teammates kicked a ball into Payne's face.That's what I call feminist good sportsmanship: if you can't beat 'em....beat 'em up!!What was stunning was Lambert's coach didn't pull her out while her behavior was escalating. Equally stunning was the fact that the referee took no action outside of a yellow card for a "trip" move on Payne. It's interesting that these officials did not see the punches, slaps, high tackles and that ferocious pony tail jerk.The coach revved up her girls and then stood back while one of them went out of control. That's a sad state of affairs. Of course, Lambert gave the usual mea culpa/ "my bad" apology, which was orchestrated in order to stay in the game. I'm glad it didn't work.Call me cynical, but the look on her face and the deliberateness of her violent yank had the aura of entitlement and rage. I don't believe she's sorry she did it. My guess is that she's sorry she's gotten heat over it.She should never be allowed to play again...
never
... and that would send a message. Now, we've got to figure out how to deal with the coach and the referee.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:10ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/279.html2010-05-13T08:08:09Z2010-05-13T08:08:09ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:09ZGiving Birth In Front of an AudienceStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Giving-Birth-In-Front-of-an-Audience/280.html2010-05-13T08:08:08Z2010-05-13T08:08:08Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>During my college years in the Sixties, "empowerment" and "consciousness-raising" were the main focus of existence, even though these concepts were largely used to insist that you were a victim of something or someone just for being female.Well, fast forward to now, and one young, married woman in her twenties has decided that giving birth live on the Internet is empowering to women! The use of that term in
this
circumstance cracks me up. I remember, during my loooong labor, my husband saying that he was going to leave to get a cup of coffee. I threatened him with "if you leave...never come back!!" I guess that threat was "empowerment," but giving birth in public or private is one of our least powerful times. We are completely at the mercy of a baby who is usually saying "Hell, no, I won't go."Nonetheless, this woman has decided that taking something personal and making it public is empowering and educational and spreading joy. Oh, puleeze! In our sadly growing exhibitionist, voyeuristic, reality show mentality of a society, this is how people become "important," known, and "famous."The point of "personal" is that something is perfected by its modesty, and sharing is not an issue of public promotion, but an opportunity for a few people to embrace a meaningful moment of experience. Experiences and moments that are universal (like child-bearing) are not educational. The childbirth is going to be posted on a mom website, which means that they've all been there and done that.Her husband is marginalized. She admits that he was "hesitant" at first, but I'm sure he ultimately had no say. There aren't too many decent men who want to share the birth of their first child with a camera crew and a blog audience - that makes
Daddy
less special and less involved.It's all just sad to me. And what happens after the event, when the thrill, the attention and adrenaline of being in the spotlight goes away? What is she going to do with this kid to keep the flow going? Think Jon and Kate. Think "sad" for the children who become the means of their parents' moment in the light, in ways other than simply enjoying their first smiles and first steps.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:08ZDeath by TextingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Death-by-Texting/281.html2010-05-13T08:08:07Z2010-05-13T08:08:07Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>It's bad enough when people drive and talk on the phone - they don't have the use of their phone hand for maneuvering the car (and in many states, talking without a hands-free headset is illegal), and they are totally absorbed in a conversation, meaning they're not looking alertly for pedestrians, bicyclists, a herd of buffalo or other cars. What's even more egregious is the texting craze which has the driver looking down and reading or dialing or writing and not even looking ahead at the road for several seconds, which could mark the difference between life and death.For Victoria McBryde, 24, those few precious seconds meant her death. 22 year old Phillipa Curtis has been convicted of the death of Ms McBryde - caused by texting while driving. The victim's car had broken down and was by the side of the road with all its lights on and emergency lights blinking - a bit hard NOT to notice. Nonetheless, she was killed instantly when her car was rear-ended by the texting Ms. Curtis, who will spend only two years in prison for this crime.This all took place in Britain, which has added jail time to a conviction for killing by texting and driving. Ms. Curtis' phone records indicated that she had exchanged nearly two dozen messages with at least five friends, mostly concerning her encounter with a celebrity singer she had served at a restaurant where she worked.
That's what was so important? For that, someone had to die??
Death due to dangerous driving (e.g., texting) is on the level of drinking while driving, and can earn four to seven years in jail. Apparently, the perp was a pretty, seemingly sweet young thing, and so her jail time was minimized by the judge - a sentence that was met with anger by the victim's family as well as the by the prosecutor...and by me.Ironically, it was also discovered that the victim herself had sent a text message and talked on her cell phone using the speaker function while driving before her car broke down. Please don't think you are invincible, and the laws and recommendations about driving safely apply to everyone else, while
you
are "special." The lives of these two young women are forever changed. One life was forfeited; the other woman is jailed and living with the guilt of having killed another human being because she just had to gossip to five friends about seeing a rock star. Sad.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:07ZTest Driving the IntimacyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Test-Driving-the-Intimacy/282.html2010-05-13T08:08:06Z2010-05-13T08:08:06ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:06ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/283.html2010-05-13T08:08:05Z2010-05-13T08:08:05ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:05ZAfter Viewing Abortion, Planned Parenthood Director QuitsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/After-Viewing-Abortion,-Planned-Parenthood-Director-Quits/284.html2010-05-13T08:08:05Z2010-05-13T08:08:05Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I never thought I'd see this headline, but it is real: "Planned Parenthood Director Quits After Watching Abortion on Ultrasound."Abby Johnson, 29, worked at a southeast Texas Planned Parenthood clinic for 8 years, the last two as its director. She was, in her own words, extremely "pro-choice." What changed her was watching a video of an ultrasound of an actual abortion. She watched a fetus "crumple" as it was vacuumed out of a patient's uterus in September. That was the turning point for her. She has since stayed home to raise her 3 year old daughter.Here's a very important point: all activist groups change the wording of their identity or actions in order to temper the emotional response of others, and in so doing, gain acceptance. "Abortion" became "CHOICE." Well, everyone likes to have choices - that was a brilliant technique to obscure the
facts
that a human being is dismembered, crumpled, and sucked with a vacuum out of her mother's body into a container or sink and ultimately eliminated as an issue in the life of the mother-who-was (versus mother-to-be).But this was not the only problem for Abby Johnson. She says that since revenues were down, she was ordered several times by her bosses to increase profits by performing more and more abortions, which cost patients between $500 and $700.
"It's a very lucrative business, and that's why they want to increase numbers,"
she is quoted as saying.Planned Parenthood likes to talk about abortions being only a small part of Planned Parenthood's activities. Planned Parenthood likes to say that its focus is on prevention. Johnson's reply?
"For them, there's not a lot of money in education. There's not as much money in family planning as there is in abortion."
Johnson also said,
"Ideally, my goal as the facility's director is that your abortion numbers don't increase, because you're providing so much family planning and so much education that there is not a demand for abortion services. But that was not
their
goal."
Can you say "whistleblower?"Planned Parenthood's response? Guess! You're wrong. They got a temporary restraining order against Ms. Johnson and the Coalition for Life (an anti-abortion group with which Johnson is now affiliated, and which is located just down the block from this Planned Parenthood clinic). Why a restraining order? Simple....they don't want the truth to be spoken, and isn't that "telling."Staff2010-05-13T08:08:05ZThe Opposite of BridezillaStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Opposite-of-Bridezilla/285.html2010-05-13T08:08:04Z2010-05-13T08:08:04Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Six days before Teanne Harris of Chicago was to walk down the aisle in a glorious white gown, her fiance called off the nuptials.When Harris and her mom went to the catering hall to cancel the reception, they were told that their deposit was nonrefundable. Now, between being dumped at the altar and not getting her money back, I would expect a screaming meemee, locking herself in the bathroom, ripping up every picture of the two of them, screaming to all her friends, getting drunk, not showering - you know, the usual melodrama.Not Ms. Harris! Leaving the catering hall, she noticed the Asbury Court Retirement Community across the street. So, instead of letting her Halloween-themed wedding reception go to waste, she decided to move the party to the retirement home, where more than 300 residents attended the party.Harris had her bridal bouquet placed in the retirement home's chapel. She also went on the Hawaii trip anyway...the trip that was meant to be her honeymoon.All I can say about this story is that she is a magnificent, spiritual human being, and the joker who left her did her a favor. I'm sure she'll find a real man worthy of her mature and generous spirit.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:04ZBravery in the Face of Home Grown TerrorismStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Bravery-in-the-Face-of-Home-Grown-Terrorism/286.html2010-05-13T08:08:03Z2010-05-13T08:08:03Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Two recent acts of bravery bring up a clear point:1. A nine year old boy in a Southern town was in the passenger seat of his parents' car with three siblings all under the age of three in the back. His mother darted into a convenience store, and a huge man (who was lurking nearby) jumped into the driver's seat, i.e., it was a car-jacking in the works. The nine year old had the courage and the presence of mind not to be "politically correct" which would have meant sitting quietly and obeying an adult. Nope, not at all. This kid grabbed the car keys and held them tight to his right side. The would-be carjacker hit the boy's head against the passenger door in an attempt to get the keys, and failed as the boy was resolute. As the boy said later, "I didn't want my family to be taken." The car-jacker ran from the car, fell, and was apprehended by police who had been called from the convenience store.2. A young female (of course I'm proud) civilian police officer stopped an Army officer from continuing his murders of Fort Hood soldiers by standing up to him and shooting him numerous times while being shot three times herself. Unfortunately, except for military police (MPs) and civilian police, soldiers on a base do not carry weapons, and are, therefore, sitting ducks for the murderous rampage of "one of their own." As it turns out, by all media reports, the history of this so-called American Army officer was clearly one of a terrorist. There was a history of his radical Muslim ideology. Reports against him had been made, but political correctness ruled the day. Because he had worshipped at a mosque with a radical imam who allegedly had made contact with two of the 9/11 hijackers and had written on the Internet Muslim extremist comments (which, I understand, included a defense of suicide bombers), had tried to indoctrinate patients and his school mates even complained about the political leanings of his class assignments and so much more, was no reason, many authorities have said, to assume he was a home-grown terrorist. That political correctness caused the death of 13 and serious injury to dozens. Never mind the fear it has generated on bases around the country and the world where the bullet or bomb can come from the "inside."Instead of facing this threat (and please do remember the plots that were foiled against other military bases on American soil in the past several years), we are being told not to "jump to conclusions." Well, without jumping to the
correct
conclusions in a timely manner, hanging on instead to political correctness (meaning that no one should criticize or profile), our military men and women and their families have a good reason to be afraid and angry. They pay the price.That nine year old boy didn't sit complacently and be a "good boy." He took charge to protect his own. We should do the same for our military and their families. Those who have expressed at any time any philosophy resembling radical Islamic hate should be marginalized, scrutinized, put under surveillance, and supervised.The first obligation of the American government is not "Cash for Clunkers." It's for the safety of the populace. The morale of our military took a large hit when they discovered that they were not safe from worldwide terrorists at their own desks. Dump all that "PTSD by proxy" nonsense. Look at the truth, without which we are neither free nor safe.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:03ZFive Health Factors Could Prevent Millions of DeathsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Five-Health-Factors-Could-Prevent-Millions-of-Deaths/287.html2010-05-13T08:08:02Z2010-05-13T08:08:02ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:02ZDr. Jekyll and Mr. Video GamerStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Jekyll-and-Mr.-Video-Gamer/288.html2010-05-13T08:08:02Z2010-05-13T08:08:02ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:02ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/289.html2010-05-13T08:08:01Z2010-05-13T08:08:01ZStaff2010-05-13T08:08:01ZMarching Band Pays Tribute to Teacher Who Saved Their LivesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Marching-Band-Pays-Tribute-to-Teacher-Who-Saved-Their-Lives/290.html2010-05-13T08:08:00Z2010-05-13T08:08:00Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Students in the American Fork High School Marching Band swept the awards not long ago in a competition at Brigham Young University. What made this story interesting and somewhat controversial is this: on the way back from another competition held in Idaho, the driver of the bus in which the students were riding fell asleep at the wheel. All of the students survived. The one fatality was the 33 year old instructor who grabbed for the steering wheel when she noticed the driver was out cold.The controversial part occurred because some people believe that it is unseemly for life to go on, for joy to be in people's hearts, or for friends and relatives to be happy and involved in their lives when someone dies. Some people believe that it is disrespectful, cavalier and insensitive for others to carry on as though a tragedy didn't happen. Generally, this belief comes out of a confusion of pain, emotions and guilt over survival.I think it's a good thing that these students competed, and they did so in remembrance of Heather Christensen, the teacher who saved their lives. And that's the point: she saved their
lives
so they could live, love, and play music. I believe they showed her immense respect by playing in her honor, continuing with the competition for which she coached them. Her immortality comes from being remembered fondly by her students who used the skills they learned from her to create the music she loved so much.When someone we love dies, we don't honor them by denying ourselves the normal pleasures of life. I find that to be an insult. Life is precious, and when somebody is gone from life, that which they lost should be treated with the utmost reverence by squeezing every moment of dignity, creativity, joy, adventure, work, love, compassion and fun that is possible. This is the way you honor the deceased: you carry on and do something of value with your life.The students received a long, standing ovation as they marched off the field and embraced in tearful hugs. What a fitting memorial to a brave, caring teacher.Staff2010-05-13T08:08:00ZToddlers and TiarasStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Toddlers-and-Tiaras/291.html2010-05-13T08:07:59Z2010-05-13T08:07:59Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>We're all outraged when we hear the stories of children being beaten, locked in cages, raped by adult "friends of the family" (if not family members themselves), abducted, and murdered. These are clearly horrendous realities that offend all decent people. Then there are the "normalized" child abuse activities that barely make people shrug a shoulder. We were somewhat amused and annoyed by the recent story of the reality show family who pretended their son was in a balloon flying high in the sky while the balloon was empty and the boy was hiding. Turns out that this was all about auditioning for their own reality show. TLC has a show called "Toddlers and Tiaras." According to one of my listeners who alerted me to this program, it should have been titled
"Mothers Who Exploit Their Children."
It's a show about young girls (as young as 4 years old!) who compete in beauty contests. The worst part is not that the mothers over-dress and overly make up their children. The worst part is not that these young girls put on immodest swimsuits and high heels and parade in front of an audience. The weird part of the show occurs after the competition ends and you see how these young girls and their parents react to the final results. One young girl, who couldn't have been older than six, took second runner-up, and her mother was furious. When the mother went backstage, there was no "you did a great job," or "I love you." She simply said to her sobbing child - angrily - "I don't know what happened. Come on...let's go." Another little girl responded to the results by saying "I'm first runner-up. That means I'm a loser."These kids are learning that they are only worth something if they win. They're only loved up by their parents if they win. And they're learning that winning a beauty competition is the way to a meaningful existence.These kinds of competitions shouldn't even be allowed. If I had the power -
no one
would be able to exploit their children for money, infamy, notoriety, selfishness or stupidity. We all have heard the stories of the warped and sorry lives of most former child stars - the drugs, alcohol, suicides, and self-destructive behaviors throughout their lives - generally because their worth was hitched to the wagon of public adoration.These so-called "family" reality shows are a form of child abuse and exploitation. Children lose their privacy and have to cater to the desire of networks and cable executives for ratings and sponsorship income, and producers need outlandish behavior in order to get and keep an audience. Parents expect them to do whatever it takes to keep their star in the sky. It's disgusting, and our society not only
allows
it, but
elevates
these shows to an incredible level of importance. How about all those news stories of Jon & Kate and their eight kids? They're getting a divorce, and their pathetic story got coverage from actual hard news sources for weeks at the same time they were appearing on the covers of so-called "news" magazines.We have become detestable in our acceptance and normalization of obvious emotional child abuse. Shame on us.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:59ZHe's Giving and Loving, But Takes No GarbageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Hes-Giving-and-Loving,-But-Takes-No-Garbage/292.html2010-05-13T08:07:58Z2010-05-13T08:07:58ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:58ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/293.html2010-05-13T08:07:57Z2010-05-13T08:07:57ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:57ZYour Words Have Changed My MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Your-Words-Have-Changed-My-Marriage/294.html2010-05-13T08:07:57Z2010-05-13T08:07:57Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>This is from Michelle:
Dear Dr. Laura:
A few weeks ago, you had a caller who was contemplating divorce, because her husband wasn't being nice and, in turn, she wasn't being nice to her young son. During the call, the little boy started crying and to calm him, she picked him up and he immediately stopped. You told her of the power of a mother's arms, and you told her that if she would just treat her husband the same way, he would melt just as her son did. I thought about it, but forgot to do anything, and then I listened to the program again this week. It was like you were personally talking to me.
I have been married for 16 years to a wonderful man who has been the sole financial provider for all that time so I can be an at-home mom to our teenage son and daughter. While I always thank him for making this possible, unfortunately, my attitude has been 'well, while you were at work all day, I had to deal with very important things like toddler meltdowns to teenager meltdowns.' But your words changed all that.
Last night, my husband arrived home after a business trip to find out we have some unexpected, high medical bills for our son (he has special needs so, while this has happened before, now is a particularly hard financial time). Instead of me attacking my husband and telling him I had to consent to all the tests which resulted in the bill, I took your advice. I held him in my arms and said: 'This must be so hard for you, when you work so hard and you plan all the finances for our family, to have something so big come up when you don't expect it. I really appreciate you supporting this family, and I feel our kids are so blessed to have you as their dad.'
Dr. Laura, he melted, just as you said he would. We went on to have a lovely night, planning how we would pay for this bill and then talking about other things. If I had not taken your advice, we both would have been angry and sulking and it would have lasted for days. You reminded me that even though my sweet husband is a big, strong provider, he still needs compassion and comfort. How blessed am I that I could provide that for him.
Your words have changed my life and my marriage, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Keep helping people do the right thing.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:57ZTimeless Lessons from A Classic StoryStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Timeless-Lessons-from-A-Classic-Story/295.html2010-05-13T08:07:55Z2010-05-13T08:07:55Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I have watched film adaptations of Jane Austen's
Pride and Prejudice
in all its incarnations many, many times, and I recently watched the 2005 film version again. I love the film...no matter what criticisms may be about a portrayal or a performance. I clearly have a profound attraction to this work.First and foremost, I love the utter regard the men had for women, which is evident from how they addressed them: "Miss..." (and their first names if they were single) or "Mrs...." (and their last names if they were married). Men bowed upon entering and leaving a woman's presence, and women curtsied, even under unpleasant conditions. Flirting was ever-so-subtle: a look, a light "accidental" touch of a hand. A man romantically yearned for and tried to earn the affections of a woman. The sweetness of the regard for women in this era (particularly in upper and middle classes) was something to be admired, and something we now miss. There was a clear distinction between a "good" woman and an easy, loose woman or whore.That distinction is gone today. Now, women put down good money for music that represents them as whores without pay. So many young men are casual about women and sex in general, and sex is a casual expectation almost always fulfilled.Young women scoff at dignity and modesty as just stupid, prudish, sexist notions. They "shack up" with some dude without a marital commitment, yet expect the love and respect, fidelity and loyalty to exist without the spoken vows, only to be disappointed, hurt, and generally confused.There was a recent film comedy, called
"Ghosts of Girlfriends Past,"
in which Matthew McConaughey (in a twist on Dickens'
"A Christmas Carol"
) got to go back into his life to see all his old girlfriends. There was one scene in the television ad for the movie which showed a seemingly endless dining table filled with hundreds of girls. Obviously, this was meant to show how shallow and manipulative he had been. To me, it just showed how many stupid girls there were (and are), "putting out" in a situation where there was clearly no respect, regard, or intent.Men used to have to ask a woman's dad for permission to "court" her, even when the woman was an adult! Now, all he has to do is show her a bedroom, back seat of a car, or a motel room, and the date is sealed. When men had to explain and express their intentions, they had to take the whole activity of dating much more seriously, as there were personal and social consequences to misleading a young lady. That reputation would annihilate any chances he might have had of marrying a good woman. He'd have to move states or provinces away. Now? That kind of rakish reputation makes girls/women want to line up to get some from an infamous entity.The women's revolution did not raise any consciousness worth elevating. It mostly diminished a woman's sense of herself as special, minimized her value in the minds of men, put sex on the level of animals, created a nanny/baby-sitter/institutionalized day care financial boom (as women gave up the blessing of nurturing their own children), increased the use of abortion as a birth-control technique when an accidental pregnancy occurred with a guy who did not want fatherhood, created perpetually unhappy, angry, nasty wives, and made it very difficult for "nice girls" to be respected and cherished.The last scene in
Pride and Prejudice
between the two now-married lovers has them discussing what she wants to be called by him when he is not using her given name. He suggests one name, and she rejects it sweetly, because it is what her father calls her. She then asks him what he will call her when he is angry. He, not being able to envision that situation, talks to her about always letting her know how lovingly important his happiness in wrapped up in her...forever...and he kisses her gently about her face as he says "Mrs. Darcy" over and over again. He gave her his heart, his life, his vows, and his name. And, in that era, giving a woman your name was the ultimate public and private statement of his total commitment to her, which makes that scene so moving to most of us, and infuriating to feminists who see that scene only as ripping away the woman's identity.I always cry at the end of the movie.I cry also for what women have given up in exchange for wanting to have it all and not be subordinate to a man. I don't know...I kinda think being on a pedestal is not subordinate. But what do I know? I'm only a
recovered
feminist.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:55ZTaking Food Out of the Mouths of Call GirlsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Taking-Food-Out-of-the-Mouths-of-Call-Girls/296.html2010-05-13T08:07:54Z2010-05-13T08:07:54Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I'm still laughing...I read an article last week in one of the online news reporting sites about a new book on economics, called
Superfreakonomics
. In the book, the authors discuss the issue of prostitution in today's economic climate. As it turns out, prostitution was a profitable enterprise (focusing on mainstream sex acts) until the sexual liberation movement in the 1960s changed
"the business of intimacy, and a generation of 'free love' altered the marketplace forever."
The
"modesty traditionally displayed by women in search of Mr. Right evolved to a bold pursuit of Mr. Right Now."
The 1960s genesis of casual sex became prostitution's direct rival.So, prices for sex acts plummeted. Hookers had competition from the average woman who would have sex for free (without even getting a dinner out of it). Being entrepreneurial, hookers then began to provide more unconventional sex - the kind of things men can't get from their girlfriends - and the price for those often depraved acts hauled the fees way back up.As one call girl said:
"Thank God prostitution is illegal, 'cause if it weren't, I wouldn't be making $500 an hour; I'd probably be back doing what I was doing, which was working as a computer technician for a Fortune 500 company."
Of course, if you're the prostitute for a state governor, you'll probably get lots of media offers!The call girl entrepreneur who was interviewed was asked whether or not she would suggest this "career" for her daughter. She obfuscated like crazy, saying she hoped it would be only one of many, many options, and then the article ended with the revelation that she's now quitting prostitution to go to school to study economics. I guess morality finally caught up to her.This is why I use the term "unpaid whore" for women who shack up with guys, rather than dignify themselves and sexual intimacy with a marital commitment. I tell them that at the very least, they ought to be paid for sex, since it ultimately means nothing profoundly important to him past the orgasm. Now I can mention that they are taking food out of the mouths of prostitutes and their families!!Women cannot run away from their true nature, and our true nature (apart from any psychological problems) is to nurture and nest. We can act like wild women and say it's our right and freedom, but I take the calls every day from disillusioned, hurt women who
did
, in fact, expect love and loyalty from the men they had sex with.So, ladies, have pity on the call girls and prostitutes. Give them back their turf, and re-elevate womanhood so that men again have a mountain to climb and earn, and therefore
value
.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:54ZClicking Her Heels for HalloweenStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Clicking-Her-Heels-for-Halloween/297.html2010-05-13T08:07:53Z2010-05-13T08:07:53ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:53ZPepsi's iPhone App Under FireStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Pepsis-iPhone-App-Under-Fire/298.html2010-05-13T08:07:53Z2010-05-13T08:07:53ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:53ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/299.html2010-05-13T08:07:52Z2010-05-13T08:07:52ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:52ZTo the Mother Whose Son Is Smoking MarijuanaStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/To-the-Mother-Whose-Son-Is-Smoking-Marijuana/300.html2010-05-13T08:07:51Z2010-05-13T08:07:51Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I got this email from a listener after she heard a call I took on my radio program. She titled the email
“To The Mother Whose Son Is Smoking Marijuana.”
It speaks for itself:
Today you gave advice to a mother who found out her 16 ½ year old son is smoking marijuana. You advised her to get him into a residential treatment program. You stated that drug addicts lie, and she responded that she didn’t “see” him as a drug addict. I am afraid she will not take your advice, and she may be in my situation in the future.
Today, I write this with a broken heart. 11 years ago, when my son was 17, I, too, found out that he was smoking marijuana. He was on the academic honor roll and participated in sports – he wasn’t a drug addict! I tried to get him into a residential program, but was told they would not accept him at his age unless he committed himself. I took him to a counselor that the high school recommended and had him assigned a probation officer until he was 18. I thought just like her that he was not a drug addict in my mind. He grew up to be a responsible young man who owned his own business, but he continued to smoke marijuana.
Six months ago, I received that phone call that no parent wants to receive. My son was dead at the age of 28 from an accidental drug overdose (oxycodone), which the coroner told me is the most abused drug today. I do not know if this was the first time or the hundredth time he used the drug, but I vowed that if I can save one child or one parent from experiencing what I am going through that I would share my story.
Dr. Laura, you were correct. She needs to deal with the issue NOW, while she still has some control. My son was not a “drug addict” either. The coroner called it “recreational drug use.” Children need to know that tennis, hockey, and soccer are recreations, not drugs. I hope that mother heeds your advice so that her son does not end up where mine is today, guilt-ridden and questioning “should I have done more?”Staff2010-05-13T08:07:51ZBaby TalkingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Baby-Talking/301.html2010-05-13T08:07:50Z2010-05-13T08:07:50Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Busy, busy mothers tuned in to their cellphones, BlackBerrys, iPods, iPhones, and chatty girlfriends, just don’t have the time to tune in to their children – that’s just reality! And you can’t expect nannies (equipped with the same electronics) or day care workers with scads of kids to supervise or babysitters with other things to do to spend time tuning into your children either. That’s just reality.Why is this an issue? Well, children just don’t develop their language, communication skills, sensitivity to eye contact and facial expressions without input, stimulation and attention. This fact will surely dismay parents and liberal educators who say kids just need a few minutes of
quality
time a day, and they’ll be just fine.According to Randi Jacoby, a speech and language specialist in New York, who was quoted in the
New York Times: “Parents have stopped having good communications with their young children, causing them to lose out on the eye contact, facial expression and overall feedback that is essential for early communication development.”
That means that, instead of you parents going off to work when you have babies or small children, and then handing them over to institutionalized care or the care of someone hired to watch them all day and report back to you about “food in and waste out,” you need to be home with your children, doing things like:
Recognizing that communication begins as soon as the baby is born. The way you touch, hold, look at and talk to your baby helps him or her learn language. Even though your child doesn’t necessarily understand what you’re saying, your calm, reassuring voice is what he or she needs to feel safe. You cannot spoil babies with attention and responsiveness to their cries.
Talking all the time while you are doing things. Talk about where you are going, what you will do when you get there, and who/what you’ll see. Talk about cleaning up the dishes, preparing meals, putting on makeup – everything – all of this is attention.
Putting down the cellphone or other electronic device to look your child in the eyes as he or she tries to communicate or when you are engaging him. Responding to a child’s communicative attempts with complete attention is a sign of interest and love, and it teaches communication. It might even help you with your spouse!
Engaging your child in conversation, once he or she starts talking. Expand what they are saying to help them learn to do the same. For example, when your child says “Doggie,” respond with “Yes, that is a big black dog.” Ask questions, play games, sing songs, recite nursery rhymes, and read books.
Parenting is not about making sure your child lives through the day. It’s about an investment of time, and loving energy to help them develop the skills they will need to function well in life. Nannies, day care workers and babysitters just don’t fill the bill. Nobody trumps a loving mom and dad.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:50ZIt's Not Easy Being a Good Parent in the Digital AgeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Its-Not-Easy-Being-a-Good-Parent-in-the-Digital-Age/302.html2010-05-13T08:07:49Z2010-05-13T08:07:49ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:49ZI Found The Perfect College, But...Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/I-Found-The-Perfect-College,-But.../303.html2010-05-13T08:07:49Z2010-05-13T08:07:49ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:49ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/304.html2010-05-13T08:07:48Z2010-05-13T08:07:48ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:48ZInspiration from a TeenagerStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Inspiration-from-a-Teenager/305.html2010-05-13T08:07:47Z2010-05-13T08:07:47Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The Hartford Courant recently published an essay by Justin Verrier on a Connecticut female teenage swimmer.
"After swimming laps at a recent practice in the Glastonbury High School pool, Rachel Grusse told her coach, Suzi Hoyt, her shoulder felt sore. Hoyt responded as she always does to such concerns by her swimmers, instructing Grusse to put on flippers and 'kick for a little while' to rest her arms. 'I just looked up at her and told her, Um...I don't think I can do that, Grusse said, smiling."
Remember the word
smiling
. When Grusse was 16 months old, it was discovered that she was born without a spleen, and she contracted a form of bacterial pneumonia that cut off the blood flow to her extremities, which resulted in the cutting off of her legs at the base of her knees, as well as the last joint of her fingers.Now, many teenage girls with just a few pimples would hide in their bedrooms, but not Rachel. With the help of prosthetic legs, she has participated in all types of sports, including soccer and, most recently, wheelchair basketball, but swimming is her passion. Since she has to rely on her upper body for swimming, she does a lot of upper body strengthening, like...walking on her hands!Her comment?
"I've just heard some people say that I'm an example to other kids. But to me, I don't feel like I'm any different.
I'm just doing what I can, and doing the best that I can.
"
She swims against "normal" swimmers and rarely wins, but she loves the sport anyway.She swims against others who are disabled and often places, but not always, and she loves the sport anyway. Since she has no memory of having had legs, for her, it
is
kind of "normal" - the
real
amazing quality of hers is her attitude to
just do what she can and do the best that she can
.Disabled or not,
that
is the winning attitude in life that ultimately brings you happiness. She does what she loves and does the best she can at it. Period. There is a lesson in that for everyone.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:47ZStupid Is As Stupid DoesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Stupid-Is-As-Stupid-Does/306.html2010-05-13T08:07:46Z2010-05-13T08:07:46Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>"Stupid is as stupid does."
Those are sage words from the fictional Forrest Gump.And stupid does some interesting things in America. Here are two great recent examples of stupidity:Before I tell you the first story, I want to preface it with a memory from my middle school years. We Long Island neighborhood children took the bus to school. I walked two blocks to the bus stop. In the winter, it was freezing, but fortunately, one of the kids I went to school with lived in that corner house right where the bus picked us up. The mom would leave the garage door open (the cars were already gone) so we could all huddle out of the wind and chill until the bus came. It was very kind of her.Now, to today's story: A mom in Michigan allows the kids from three families to hang out before school at her house for about 1 hour before the school bus comes. She's not getting paid, although I sure hope she's getting appreciation from the families who have to go to work before they can get their kids off to school. Believe it or not, she receives a letter from the Michigan Department of Human Services
warning
her that if she continues, she'd be violating a law aimed at the operation of unlicensed day-care centers. She's not getting paid!! And she's doing the neighbors a favor!!This law says no one may care for unrelated children in their home for more than four weeks each calendar year unless they are licensed day-care providers. The Department of Human Services warned her without even finding out the facts. This is stupid. Never mind that these kids, if left by themselves for an hour without adult supervision could be food for predators. It seems also that this stupid stretch would preclude regular baby-sitting when parents go out to dinner and the movies.There is good news here, though. After the news media got hold of this story (and embarrassed the heck out of the state of Michigan), Governor Jennifer Granholm instructed the agency's director to work with the state legislature to change the law. Since when is simply being a good neighbor a criminal activity? Some neighbor (and we've all had this kind of neighbor) made a complaint, and started this non-common sense ball rolling.The second stupid story is from Saratoga Springs. Adam Marino, a 12 year old in seventh grade, and his mother are defying Saratoga Springs school policy by biking to Maple Avenue Middle School. The school has a rule that kids can't walk or ride a bike to school. Adam's mom and other parents want their kids to be less sedentary and to get exercise by walking or riding to school as a fitness activity. After Adam's mom thought she had an understanding with the school board on this issue, she rode a bike with her kid to school, only to be met by a state trooper and school administrators. You'd think she had been beating her kid or helping him play hooky. Sheesh!In reaction to this, other parents joined them in riding and walking
their
kids to school. Once again, this got the attention of the news media, and the Board of Education is going to vote to amend this policy this week.These arbitrary rules are just stupid, and frankly, ignoring the bigger picture of neighborhood safety and exercise for children. Fortunately, however, thanks to the media spotlight, it's all going to change.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:46ZI Need to "Un-Friend" HerStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/I-Need-to-Un-Friend-Her/307.html2010-05-13T08:07:45Z2010-05-13T08:07:45ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:45ZCalorie Counts on Restaurant Menus Don't Change BehaviorStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Calorie-Counts-on-Restaurant-Menus-Dont-Change-Behavior/308.html2010-05-13T08:07:44Z2010-05-13T08:07:44Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>When I was on a working trip to New York City, some of my staff and I popped into a very lovely open-air sort of restaurant for lunch. The menu was huge in size (I always wonder how they have all that food on hand), and I noticed something I had never, ever seen before:
calorie counts
between the description of the food and the price!I read each and every calorie count and was shocked at how unbelievably caloric many of the foods were that I had thought were healthy. An appetizer of fried calamari had more calories than one should have in a whole day! Even the veggie meals were stuffed with extra calories from oil, cheese and sauces. Oh my!Talk about being "scared straight," like those kids in front of convicts who warn them to clean up their acts. I immediately selected the healthiest thing I could find (boring, but healthy), ending up with a turkey sandwich on rye with lettuce and tomato - no mayo and no dressing, but with some salt, because I normally have low blood pressure. I give callers high blood pressure, but mine is usually low. New York City was the first place in the country, I believe, to require calorie posting. What have we learned from this experiment?Researchers at New York University and Yale discovered that, although 9 out of 10 people who saw the calorie counts claimed they "made healthier choices as a result," when the researchers checked the receipts afterward, they found that people, had, in fact, ordered slightly
more
calories than the typical customer had before the labeling law went into effect in July, 2008.The lead research scientist said,
"I think it does show us that labels are not enough."
What? What else do you want to do? Send in the calorie police? On cityfile.com, someone made a suggestion that restaurants could have scales for people to weigh themselves before sitting down to dinner (ohhhh, what rude reminder!) or they should post pictures of what you're going to look like if you have that lasagna in addition to bread, butter or olive oil, a big salad with a cup of dressing and then cheesecake to wrap it up!So, if calorie postings have no impact, except for the people who already are careful and appropriate in their healthy food choices, then what is the point of continuing them? I still think it's a good idea to continue. Perhaps with patience, we will see people care about their bodies and their health as much as their family, friends and relatives do, and as much as the taxpayers who are not overweight and are forced to be burdened by the rising health costs brought on by illnesses associated with obesity.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:44ZPresident Obama Should Reject the Nobel PrizeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/President-Obama-Should-Reject-the-Nobel-Prize/309.html2010-05-13T08:07:43Z2010-05-13T08:07:43Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Over the past two decades, the Nobel Peace Prize committee has become an anti-American organization that has sought to use its awards to influence world opinion and American policy to its own ends.In 1994, one of the three recipients to whom it awarded the Peace Prize was Yasser Arafat, for his
"efforts to promote peace in the Middle East "
- peace through the promotion of terrorism? Through the encouragement of the Intifada? Through his corruption and theft of Palestinian assets for his own personal benefit?In 2002, one year after 9/11, it awarded the laureate to Jimmy Carter,
"for his decades of untiring effort to find peaceful solutions to international conflicts, to advance democracy
[never mind about his love affair with Cuba]
and human rights and to promote economic and social development."
Efforts that have never borne any fruit! Now where have his affections gone? To NORTH KOREA!In 2005, the committee awarded the laureate to Mohammed ElBaradei and the International Atomic Energy Commission for their work in preventing the development of nuclear arms. Since then, North Korea has developed and tested nuclear weapons and Iran is much farther along in its nuclear weapons program.My opinion is that this award is a political move to encourage Obama along the line of thinking like Neville Chamberlain rather than Winston Churchill in dealing with the world's tyrannical and terrorist states. I encourage President Obama to REJECT this award.As the mother of a young man who has joined the Army to defend our country against our enemies, I am alarmed at any form of encouragement of our government to soften its stance against the world's tyrannical and terrorist states. Mr. President, turn down that award!Staff2010-05-13T08:07:43ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/310.html2010-05-13T08:07:42Z2010-05-13T08:07:42ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:42ZDon't Hide Facts of Evil and Danger from KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dont-Hide-Facts-of-Evil-and-Danger-from-Kids/311.html2010-05-13T08:07:41Z2010-05-13T08:07:41Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>People are being murdered every day in the United States. However, some of these murders capture the public's attention more than others. Hugely fascinating and frightening has been the recent murder of the female Yale University graduate student, whose body was found stuffed into a wall in the Yale University biology lab on the day she was to be married. Perhaps it was the imminent nuptials which made people more sympathetic, or perhaps it was that one is ultimately not safe
anywhere
that made people respond so viscerally to this particular news story.A 10 year old girl called me shortly after that story broke out, because she was now quite scared about everything. Her fear only started, however, when she was in a movie theater bathroom stall and a woman came in, screaming and pounding on the doors, ostensibly looking for some other child. Since that incident, my young caller had been scared. Her mother was listening in when I validated this child's feelings by saying
"You are perfectly correct in being scared. It is true that there are bad people who are willing to hurt you and that you are sometimes not even safe in your own home."
Paradoxically, that calmed her down! Why? Perhaps it seems to you that that comment would make her
more
upset. Nope. I validated her worst fears, and in doing so, helped her to put them in proper proportion. If everyone is lying to you because of good intentions, you have to escalate to get them to confirm reality. This child did not have to bounce off walls anymore. Someone believed her that life is not completely safe.I continued by reminding her that she was becoming an adult. Adults deal with truth, and the truth is that we are not always safe. Adults need to be aware of that and, instead of just being freaked out about it,, they need to prepare for it: locking the doors, watching who is near your car in a parking lot, learning some self-defense, being careful about where you go with people you don't know, and on and on.Evil is a part of life; danger is a part of life. People need to know and respect that fact and be armed with information and reasonable plans to deal with these facts. A little bit of paranoia is a good thing. It keeps you prepared.
Too much
paranoia inhibits one from living life at all. Don't hide the fact of evil and danger from your children. Teach them how to recognize them and then what to do.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:41ZShould We Tell The Kids We Were Laid Off?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Should-We-Tell-The-Kids-We-Were-Laid-Off/312.html2010-05-13T08:07:40Z2010-05-13T08:07:40ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:40ZUnintentional Surrogate MotherhoodStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Unintentional-Surrogate-Motherhood/313.html2010-05-13T08:07:40Z2010-05-13T08:07:40Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A short time into her pregnancy, a married woman in Ohio was told by her husband that he had just received a call from the fertility clinic which helped them attain this pregnancy. The clinic "goofed," and the baby in her belly was the product of the embryo of some other couple, who now expected her to go through childbirth and hand over the baby.This couple is quite religious and they don't believe in abortion, so in spite of their immense personal pain, they planned to hand over the baby after it was born (they did so at the end of September, when the woman delivered a healthy baby boy).Their only request was to see and hold the baby first, as they had already formed a bond.Shame on the clinic for making that phone call! You may be shocked at that response, but since strangers meet, fall in love, marry and spend their lives together, it's obvious that genetics is not the prime criterion for love, or no one would be able to adopt a child.Having been pregnant, I'll tell you that at the absolute instant of fertilization, an intense relationship starts (and continues, in spite of morning sickness, and inevitable heartburn and constipation). This actual "birth mother" is traumatized, as is her whole family. And for what? Ownership of an embryo?I remember a
Law and Order
episode where the "punch line" was that the father who raised the now-teenage boy was revealed NOT to be the biological father, and he lost custody. Shameful and cruel, I thought.Some people think that because something is "the truth," that it should be revealed. Not necessarily, and especially not when terrible human suffering ensues.The "embryo" family simply could have kept trying, and there is no proof that this particular embryo would have thrived until birth in the genetic mother. I think everyone was better off with this truth not being spoken.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:40ZIll-Advised Parental DiscretionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Ill-Advised-Parental-Discretion/314.html2010-05-13T08:07:39Z2010-05-13T08:07:39Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I think it's outrageous that a married couple is suing WalMart for calling the cops over what
they
called "bath time photos."A year ago in Peoria, Arizona, mommy and daddy sent 144 family photos to be developed to WalMart. The developer spotted eight photos of children in provocative positions, with their genitals exposed. Apparently, the parents say that they
"have told our girls that they have freedom to be in their home and feel okay about their bodies and their nudity, but that there is a time and a place for it."
I couldn't agree more....and a store photo development establishment is probably NOT the place for it. You know how cheap it is to download your own photos? Sheesh!Obviously, these folks are big into nudity and the carefree expression of such, so their getting angry that the police and child protective services were brought in to investigate should have been an expected consequence of their beliefs. It is the intent of a civilized society to protect the old, infirm, and the young from exploitation and abuse. The police and child protective services and the WalMart photo developer did the right thing.After psychiatric exams and a full investigation, it was determined by a judge that these parents didn't intend any abuse, nor were they revving up for child porn. Fine. Happy ending.But they should have been sensitive and non-defensive enough to understand the idea of protecting children always comes
first
.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:39ZBut It's Not My Fault!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/But-Its-Not-My-Fault!/315.html2010-05-13T08:07:38Z2010-05-13T08:07:38ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:38ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/316.html2010-05-13T08:07:38Z2010-05-13T08:07:38ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:38ZRoman Polanski is an Animal and a CowardStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Roman-Polanski-is-an-Animal-and-a-Coward/317.html2010-05-13T08:07:36Z2010-05-13T08:07:36Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Y'know, I really don't know why I am so upset about Roman Polanski. I mean, he's the director of such notable films as
Rosemary's Baby, Chinatown
, and
The Pianist
. When one is a "respected" artist, shouldn't we allow for certain...shall we say..."proclivities" that maybe aren't what the average schmo should get away with? After all...he's a movie director!What's the big deal about telling a very pretty little 13 year old girl that he could make her a star - i.e., a model for the French Edition of Vogue magazine? How narrow-minded can you be to imagine that taking pictures of the naked 13 year old girl in a hot tub, plying her with glass after glass of champagne and popping her a few Quaaludes (ostensibly, he said, to cure her asthma), and then showing her what a real man can do without Viagra is a problem? And what's wrong with the fact that he cautioned her to never tell her mother about their "little secret?" It just makes the whole scenario more...intimate.Go figure...the Los Angeles District Attorney's office filed charges against Roman Polanski for this "innocuous" behavior - gee, it must have been a slow legal day. After pleading guilty to having sex with a 13 year old child, working out a plea bargain, and then paying off the girl's family, Roman Polanski fled the United States in 1977. The American authorities (just stubborn, I guess) issued an international search request in 2005. Swiss authorities arrested him Saturday at the Zurich airport.How terribly inconvenient for the film world. Polanski had traveled to Switzerland to collect a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Zurich Film Festival, and by going to Switzerland, he finally got arrested for his "lifetime guilt." Actress Debra Winger, President of the film festival's jury, was terribly upset, poor thing:
"The festival has been unfairly exploited to secure Polanski's arrest over a case that is all but dead. Despite the philistine nature of the collusion that has now occurred, we came to honor Roman Polanski as a great artist. We hope today this latest order will be dropped; it is based on a three decade old case that is all but dead except for a minor technicality."
There are so many people around the world who were equally as astonished as I was that such an important film director should be treated so disrespectfully. Jack Lang, a former French culture minister said,
"While Mr. Polanski had committed a 'grave crime,' he is a great creator and artist, and there's a sentiment here that pursuing someone for a crime committed 30 years ago...is unreasonable...a kind of judicial lynching."
I'm not sure what Mr. Lang's notion of what consequences a "great creator and artist" should have had, had he not eluded sentencing three decades ago. And it certainly isn't the fault of the American judicial system that a country such as France would give him sanctuary.Apparently, 100 or so entertainment industry professionals created a petition for Mr. Polanski's release, saying
"Filmmakers in France, in Europe, in the United States and around the world are dismayed by this decision."
It seems inadmissible to them that an international cultural event, paying homage to one of the greatest contemporary filmmakers, is used by the police to apprehend him.After all, with all the stress of hiding in France to avoid criminal punishment for what is ultimately the drugging and raping of a little girl, he still managed to get the Best Director Oscar in 2003 for
"The Pianist."
In spite of the clarity of his "wrongdoings," the Zurich festival director is experiencing "
great consternation and shock,"
adding,
"We are unable to judge the legal background surrounding the arrest."
Let's go through this again: the man drugged and raped a child.
The man drugged and raped a child, and then fled the United States to avoid jail time. The man drugged and raped a child, and the fled the United States to avoid jail time, and has been for 30 years treated like the patron saint for the arts by a world that is growing more and more morally corrupt by the moment.
There is hardly a more sympathetic creature on the face of the earth than Roman Polanski. He was born in Paris, moved to Poland with his Jewish family when still a toddler (shortly before World War II). His mother died in a Nazi concentration camp, but Polanski avoided capture and spent his youth in Poland before moving to the United States. His wife, Sharon Tate, was 8 months' pregnant with their child when she was brutally murdered by the Manson family. When you look at his ability to make movies, after these grossly horrendous experiences, it seems logical that you should forgive a little drugging and a little raping of a young girl. NOT.In my opinion, all those who have participated in any way in the making or distributing of Polanski's movies for the last 30 years should be considered accessories after the fact, and part of a conspiracy to protect a child rapist. Polanski's movies should be boycotted by every decent American, as well as the movies of those who acted in or contributed to any of Polanski's movies in the last 30 years.The man is an animal and a coward. He's an animal because of what he did to a child; he's a coward because he didn't take his punishment like a man with character.I am thoroughly disgusted by the world's film community for supporting him just because he makes good movies. I understand that Hitler was a good painter...Maybe we shouldn't have closed in on and bombed his bunker because good painters are a treasure.There's word that both the Polish and French governments are going to try to get Obama to "pardon" him. I can't believe Obama would agree to such a request while looking into the eyes of his two little girls. Can you?Amoral is the word of the day - it means no moral compass whatsoever. And that's what we are seeing around the world in those who have come out to sympathize with and support Roman Polanski, child rapist. His heinous act and three decades of freedom avoiding an appropriate sentence don't mean anything to amoral people. It's all about the game of movies. God bless the Swiss arrest and the intent of the Los Angeles District Attorney's office to bring him back to face justice. Someone in Hollywood is already, I am sure, scripting up for the movie of Polanski's life, and to be sure, he will be presented to the Vatican for consideration of sainthood, because he is big box office.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:36ZTease-Proofing My Little BoyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Tease-Proofing-My-Little-Boy/318.html2010-05-13T08:07:35Z2010-05-13T08:07:35ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:35ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/319.html2010-05-13T08:07:34Z2010-05-13T08:07:34ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:34ZWhen Students Don't Make the GradeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-Students-Dont-Make-the-Grade/320.html2010-05-13T08:07:34Z2010-05-13T08:07:34Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>When I was in grade school one year, I got a few "D's" on my report card. With a pen of contrasting color to the D, I made a line halfway across the letter from left to right, and turned the two D's into weird looking B's. Much to my astonishment, my father noticed the alteration! And, boy oh boy, I got punished.The following story ups the ante on my little escapade: An 11 year old boy from Alabama didn't want to bring home his bad report card either. So, he said that a man with a pistol snatched him after he left middle school, forced him into a beat-up car, and threatened to kill him. He then explained that he escaped by jumping out of the car, but that he wasn't able to grab his book bag in which was (no surprise here)....the report card. The police investigators were a bit suspicious when the boy was able to "escape" with his cumbersome band instrument, but not his soft, smaller book bag. The boy ran to his grandfather's house, and admitted to lying. The grandfather called the police to apologize.I mention this story because the issue of grades is important. Grade inflation definitely exists -- and it's like telling a kid he's special just because he breathes regularly. It builds a false sense of competency and value which condemns a kid to fail in the future and be frustrated that his unconditional perfection hasn't quite panned out. In addition, there's a lack of willingness to respect children who
are
able and willing to work hard and attain high grades and become valedictorians. In fact, the acknowledgment of a valedictorian has been banned in some schools so the feelings of those less accomplished won't be hurt. Then there are
parents
who want to see A's, even if their child is capable only of a C+. I always tell parents that the teacher should let them know at their
regular
meetings whether or not their child is doing his or her best - that's the best -accomplishment.It's sad when parents don't know what's happening with their children's school work until report card day, and then the yelling starts. Yes, this Alabama boy did the wrong thing, but he must have been (as I was) VERY scared about the consequences. He's 11....11!! If he's
that
scared, then let's look at that first, and then help him to do his best. Punishment for bad grades is not the way to go in this case. Punishment for editing the D's or for lying to police? Now
that
makes more sense.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:34ZWhen Good People Make Bad ChoicesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-Good-People-Make-Bad-Choices/321.html2010-05-13T08:07:33Z2010-05-13T08:07:33ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:33ZSpicy Language in the Marital BedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Spicy-Language-in-the-Marital-Bed/322.html2010-05-13T08:07:32Z2010-05-13T08:07:32ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:32ZTV Review: Fox's "Glee"Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/TV-Review:--Foxs-Glee/323.html2010-05-13T08:07:32Z2010-05-13T08:07:32Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>There's a new TV series that debuted two weeks ago called
"Glee."
The title refers to a high school glee club, and that's as child-friendly as this show gets. It should be rated "A," for Adults Only. That said, this show kept my jaw dropped for half an hour. Every possible stereotype can be found in
"Glee,"
and frankly, it's hilarious. The show is an equal opportunity offender of delicate senses, and is basically politically incorrect.The Glee Club is run by a former student of the high school, Mr. Shuester, who is married to a blonde, self-centered woman who obviously never read
"The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands."
The Glee Club consists of a nice Jewish girl, an Asian girl, a sassy, large black girl, a gay male, a boy in a wheelchair, and a brain-dimmed jock. An uber-feminist cheerleading coach/teacher loathes any attempt of the Glee Club to gain prominence and take attention and financial support away from the cheerleaders, who are known as the "Cheer-i-os." She is vulgar and mean to the nth degree, and very funny because she's so over the top. In talking to Mr. Shuester, she says that (as she did with her elderly mother), he should "euthanize" the glee club program. That's a terrible thing to say! But delivered by this actress (Jane Lynch), it's hilarious.The cheerleaders (all gorgeous, of course) also run the Celibacy Club, where they practice humping their boyfriends with balloons in between them. If a balloon pops, an angel cries. They espouse "teasing, but not pleasing." It's obviously religious-based, and so religion is a bit put down by this group.The nice Jewish girl from the Glee Club sounds like someone out of Planned Parenthood - i.e.,
"kids are gonna do it anyway, so we might as well give 'em condoms,"
and (with the Glee Club) performs a very gross performance of a rap song called "Push It," with lotsa bumping and grinding. Of course, the student "body" now wishes to join the Glee Club in droves. The guidance counselor is germ phobic and very hot for Mr. Shuester, whose wife is pretending to be pregnant. It seems clear that Mr. Shuester is unhappy with his demanding, self-centered wife, and these two have an attraction. However, the guidance counselor is a decent sort, and decides to date someone else, and not entertain her feelings for him.So, this program goes back and forth from anti-religion/liberal sexual values for teens to the moral considerations of not engaging in an affair with a married man. Everyone will find something offensive, but, I've got to say, it
is
funny. It's on Fox, Wednesdays at 9PM Eastern/Pacific.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:32ZProud To Be An AmericanStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Proud-To-Be-An-American/324.html2010-05-13T08:07:31Z2010-05-13T08:07:31Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I watched the most horrendous (but telling) video on Fox News last week.The video was taken from one of America's finest military airplanes, which was getting ready to send a missile to kill terrorists while they were working on planting a roadside bomb. You can hear the pilots talking about the target and informing the base as to what they were about to do.All of a sudden, one of them aborts the shoot because a young boy has come on the scene, delivering something, it appears, to the bombers. Our guys halt their attack, and then watch as the boy moves away. You hear one of the pilots kind of "cheering" the kid to leave the site, so they can then destroy the terrorists and their bomb. Suddenly, there's a huge explosion. It appears that the bombers have accidentally blown themselves up, saving us some ordnance. I don't know if the casualties included the boy. I do know that the terrorists' religious and political commitments to murder include killing their own women and children as part of their world vision.I was proud for the whole world to see (assuming other news outlets played it) that our commitment was to protect the innocent whenever possible. It made me proud to be an American.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:31ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/325.html2010-05-13T08:07:30Z2010-05-13T08:07:30ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:30ZCourts Aren't Supporting the Concept of Personal ResponsibilityStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Courts-Arent-Supporting-the-Concept-of-Personal-Responsibility/326.html2010-05-13T08:07:29Z2010-05-13T08:07:29Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>When President Obama spoke to school children last week, he gave the kind of speech I would have given: he emphasized that
personal responsibility
is the ticket to a life of success and a strong country. He mentioned that all the equipment, books, and desks were all well and good, but useful
only
if students took the responsibility to work hard at their studies.I wish our courts (and the rest of the President's agenda) followed that concept of personal responsibility. Not so.An Indiana court has ruled that a pizza shop must pay for a 340 pound employee's weight loss surgery in order to ensure the success of
another
operation for a back injury he suffered at work when he was accidentally struck in the back by a freezer door. I wonder how much his girth was responsible for the accident. I don't wonder how much his girth is responsible for the fact that the surgery for his back won't be undertaken until he reduces his weight first - no kidding! But making the pizza shop employer responsible for paying for that weight loss surgery is not in keeping with the President's message of personal responsibility.The man was obese
before
he was hired. If he hadn't been hired
because
of his weight, that would have been discrimination, and would have been illegal. Employers are screwed no matter what they do to run a business and make a reasonable profit.This is not the only such case. The most recent was in Oregon, where the state's Supreme Court ruled on August 27 that the state workers' compensation insurance must pay for gastric bypass surgery to ensure that a man's knee replacement surgery was effective.Businesses will definitely and understandably be much more careful about whom they hire. While they can't
not
hire a fat person because he or she is fat, they are not
obligated
to hire the first person who shows up for the job, and they can and should come up with some other reason to protect themselves from unreasonable financial demands because they hired a person who eats more and moves less. Obviously, this situation is anti-personal responsibility and anti-business. This ruling will have repercussions beyond obesity and weight-loss surgery. Employers will be wary of hiring people who have other conditions that expose them to workplace injury. Developmental and physical limitations of some applicants will likely keep potential employers from being as compassionate as they've been in the past. This is really sad, because ultimately, it's the individual with some challenges who will suffer.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:29ZTake a Tour of Dr. Laura's StudioStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Take-a-Tour-of-Dr.-Lauras-Studio/327.html2010-05-13T08:07:27Z2010-05-13T08:07:27ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:27ZSerena Williams' Foul PlayStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Serena-Williams-Foul-Play/328.html2010-05-13T08:07:27Z2010-05-13T08:07:27Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I'm a female and a Jew. I personally know something about bias, bigotry, prejudice, and discrimination. There is no doubt in my mind that I have experienced some (shall we say) "bad luck" in my life because I fall into these two categories, but there is probably not a person on the face of the earth who doesn't have a similar (and probably worse) story to tell with respect to the natural tendency of people to band together based on commonality, from ethnicity to gender to nationalism. Nonetheless, we have a black President with a Jewish chief-of-staff, and a female Secretary of State.I'm seriously tired of people pulling the race or gender card to explain away their bad behavior. Ultimately,
we
are responsible for our own actions. This brings me to Serena Williams in the U.S. Open. Serena was losing badly in the semi-finals to unseeded, unranked Kim Clijsters, and Clijsters had just beaten Serena's sister, Venus. The match was at the point where Clijsters was but one point from victory, and it was Serena's serve. She faulted on her first serve. Instead of just going back to the baseline to serve again, she menacingly walked toward the judge, shouting and cursing her, pointing the ball and then the racket at her, as though she were going to strike the woman. Allegedly, she said,
"If I could, I would take this [expletive deleted] ball and shove it down your [expletive deleted] throat."
The line judge went over to the chair umpire and tournament referee as the crowd was booing. According to news reports, Serena said,
"Sorry, but there're a lot of people who've said worse. I didn't say I would kill you. Are you serious? I didn't say that."
But the line judge said she
did
say that, and that with the crowd noise, it was difficult for others to hear the specifics. I saw that video, and having someone with that venomous rage coming at me, screaming and cursing, shaking a racket in my face (especially since Serena had already smashed a racket earlier in the game when she committed an unforced error) would have scared me too.Serena was only penalized a point, which, by destiny of timing, turned out to be the match point. Clijsters would have won anyway - she was playing an amazing game, and she did go on to win the U.S. Open.So, here's a young woman, used to success, who couldn't handle being humbled, and she robbed Clijsters of the good feeling of trumping a tennis goddess. This is obviously bad behavior -
very
bad. The bad boys of tennis games past were also known to behave badly, but, according to news sources, they never threatened the life or well-being of a judge. This was scary and horrendous behavior. The first reaction of some was to scream "racism!" Oh puleeze. Was anyone saying she behaved badly because she was black? NO. Was anyone saying she was penalized for her behavior because she was black? YES, and that is downright annoying and dumb. Online, someone posted a comment after the news item, which I think is "right on." Here's an excerpt:
There are reasons for rules in competitive sports or banking or finance or education or society. The reasons [for the rules] always have to do with participants being unwilling or unable to manage or discipline their emotions when under duress of any kind. This duress...almost always manifests poorly, but often successfully. Serena...lost her composure in the early stages of this match, played poorly, got behind, and faced almost certain defeat. The foot fault (which many say was correct, many say "iffy," and some say false) was critical, but not pivotal for Serena. She could have played through it. She had the serve.
But she had first-serve faulted many times, and had lost every second serve point to her opponent. So, she gave in to panic, which led her to say some astoundingly aggressive things to the line judge, who, to her credit, stayed calm, objective, and within the rules. The referee made the proper call, and Serena lost, and then lost again by backpedaling after the match, with cover-up comments and lame excuses.
But this is an era when elites in all walks of life take the liberty of exposing their true selves without much consequence. It's called "privilege," and it is, in my mind, the downfall of the American personality, and with it, the downfall of the nation - a little microcosm on a big stage. Pride comes before a fall.
Truth is, she knew she had lost this match, even if that one linesman's call was bad. Instead of letting her opponent savor the victory point, she surrendered early. Clijster swamped her and her sister, and Williams acted like a classless brat. And classless brats come in all colors, genders and religions. Point...game...match.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:27ZRussell Crowe is Not A Role Model for Healthy LivingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Russell-Crowe-is-Not-A-Role-Model-for-Healthy-Living/329.html2010-05-13T08:07:26Z2010-05-13T08:07:26Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>An Australian newspaper columnist mocked actor Russell Crowe for smoking and chowing down on three tacos and a soft drink during a recent bike ride. Specifically, her piece was entitled:
“Smokes and Fatty Foods – The Fitness Regime for Rusty.”
No, he didn’t throw a bike at her (like he threw a phone at a hotel employee several years ago). Instead, he challenged her to a bike ride. She went on the 12 mile ride through the city, struggling to keep up, and then she fell off her bike. She persevered and finished the ride, and had compliments for “Rusty.” Instead of gloating (she revealed), the actor was gracious and concerned about her:
“...the perfect gentleman as he rolled up my trousers to check on my knee.”
Well, the actor has trimmed down of late, and bike riding is probably a part of his new health regimen, but, c’mon, biking with your
trainer
and scarfing down tacos, sugary sodas and dragging on a cigarette
earned
him that headline. That he could outride a non-rider doesn’t change the truth: what he did was very unhealthy. And considering that two thirds of Americans (Crowe is Australian) are fat or obese because they move less and eat more, it would have been better if he had owned up to the error of his gastronomical ways.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:26ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/330.html2010-05-13T08:07:25Z2010-05-13T08:07:25ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:25ZSpitzer's Call Girl ComplainsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Spitzers-Call-Girl-Complains/331.html2010-05-13T08:07:24Z2010-05-13T08:07:24Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I have some comments to make about Ashley Dupre, the highly-paid prostitute who notoriously humped disgraced ex-New York State Governor Eliot Spitzer.Angry about the negative perception of her, Ms. Dupre wrote on a blog post:
“Let me say this: most girls, to varying degrees, of course, want to be pampered and have nice shoes, designer handbags and gorgeous clothes. I know many women who target guys with money and use them to get these things. They toy with them, flirt, go on dates, have sex and then drop hints about that new dress...or being short on rent money – and the guys deliver it.”
Whoa, missy! Trying to make yourself look better by making comparisons to other devious skanks just doesn’t work that well. Everyone in the universe would like “nice things,” but some people are satisfied with richer things in life – like love and family – while others simply work hard at a legitimate job that doesn’t exploit or damage other people’s families to get those things.One comment listed on the
New York Post
website in response to this story was quite interesting:
“She’s a cheap trick trying to cover the fact that she sold her body for a few thousand bucks. There IS a BIG difference. Implying that a relationship is like prostitution is like implying that hunting and killing game is no [different from] hunting and killing people. She’s trying to spin the simple fact that relationships are give-and-take to say that all that are give-and-take in any way are the same, but giving and taking in a long-term social and intimate relationship is NOT the same as a business transaction for sex. She would have done better to say that a piece of ham in a supermarket is ‘no better’ than she is being the more closer comparison to buying a piece of meat for consumption.”
I have a simple question to ask women who are defensive about their behaviors: would you teach your daughters to do this? It is amazing how the answer to this will definitely be a quick and disgusted “NO,” but then, these women are quick to rationalize.Ashley Dupre is a disgusting creature, not only for being a “paid-for” sex machine, but mostly for being an unrepentant destroyer of some other woman’s family. It is the unrepentant part that really gets me, and should get you, too. As a foolish young woman with warped values, we could all “get” (i.e., understand) her behavior, but here she is, older and after the fact, and she still has no conscience about her actions.It is the lack of conscience in this woman that ultimately judges her.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:24ZStaying Home for Older KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Staying-Home-for-Older-Kids/332.html2010-05-13T08:07:23Z2010-05-13T08:07:23Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Not long ago, I posted a video on my YouTube Channel addressing whether it was ever too late to be a stay-at-home mom. I got the following response to that video from a listener, and she's my "guest blogger" for today, especially because this is the week a lot of parents send their kids back to school:
Dear Dr. Laura:I have always been at home with my kids, who are now 11, 14, and 16. I am so thankful that I am still home with them, and feel it's just as important now as it was when they were little.
Since I am home, all the kids come over here. I have the benefit of knowing my kids' friends and their parents well, and knowing where my kids are and who they are with. This has been especially important during the summer, when many kids spend long hours unsupervised. I knew my 16 year old was not out drinking or getting in trouble, because he was right here. We went swimming together one day, and talked about his plans for college and how he felt about the upcoming school year-another one of those precious and important conversations I would have missed if I wasn't here.During the school year, it's during the first 15 minutes after they get home that I hear all about their day, their troubles and their triumphs. I would miss that if I were at work. I am the mom who can pick up friends, work in the classroom, bake last minute cookies, and make a costume for drama, because I am home.The older they get, the more I realize how short our time is with them, and the more thankful I am for every minute. I enjoy my teens much more now than I did when they were little, and I am grateful every day that I will not miss their last year as children. And yes, you better believe that both I and the kids thank my wonderful husband that Mom is able to be at home during this critical time.Thanks for standing up for those of us who are at home doing "nothing" all day with our older kids.LynnStaff2010-05-13T08:07:23ZGuys Brag About ItStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Guys-Brag-About-It/333.html2010-05-13T08:07:22Z2010-05-13T08:07:22ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:22ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/334.html2010-05-13T08:07:21Z2010-05-13T08:07:21ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:21ZCheating Husband Does Public PenanceStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Cheating-Husband-Does-Public-Penance/335.html2010-05-13T08:07:21Z2010-05-13T08:07:21Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>William Taylor, from a Washington, D.C. suburb, cheated on his wife. How do I know that? Because he held a sign near Tyson's Corner Mall that read: "I cheated and this is my punishment." He stayed out on the corner for most of the morning commute, creating quite a commotion. He and his wife brokered the deal. He figured he had to do what she asked in order to make things right.When Fox TV interviewed women, they all loved the idea. The print version of the story appeared on
www.foxnews.com
and it was followed by a series of reader comments. Some of the responses suggested that castration was the best punishment for infidelity. One (obviously male) writer pointed out that women seem to enjoy publicly humiliating men, but would not tolerate the reverse for exactly the same situation.That is true. Feminism's perspective is that no matter what a woman does, it is the man's fault, and whatever a man does is the man's fault. Hypothetical example: a man and woman rob a bank. He's a bad guy, and she is duped, clouded by love, or dominated by his will. She's a sad victim, instead of a co-conspirator. Another example: a married man has an affair which lasts two weeks. He comes guilt-ridden to his wife and confesses. He tells her he's been so emotionally and sexually ignored by her for ten years, that he just absolutely needed some feminine attention and affection. She ignores everything that comes after the confession and spends her time punishing him and whining to all who will listen.Women rarely take responsibility for any negative relationship issues, and that's largely because of the feminist brainwashing which has made them see all men as Darth Vader. Here's another point: in the development of our country, being humiliated in the public square was a standard form of punishment -- remember "stocks" and "pillories" from American history class? There is something positive to be said about this concept of punishment - for men or women. When we lived in small communities, the power of
shame
was potent, and probably dissuaded many from inappropriate behavior of all sorts. The thought of being embarrassed in public is horrendous to most people, since our reputations are everything in interpersonal relationships.I bet that a lot of spouses, seeing this fellow out there, will remember him when they consider straying. Consider it a kind of prophylactic for infidelity.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:21ZChristopher Reeve's Son's Poignant CommentsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Christopher-Reeves-Sons-Poignant-Comments/336.html2010-05-13T08:07:20Z2010-05-13T08:07:20ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:20ZMarried, But In Love with ExStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Married,-But-In-Love-with-Ex/337.html2010-05-13T08:07:19Z2010-05-13T08:07:19ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:19ZAnne Heche Plays The Blame GameStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Anne-Heche-Plays-The-Blame-Game/338.html2010-05-13T08:07:19Z2010-05-13T08:07:19Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I usually spend little to no time at all on the "celebrity" sections of Internet news sites. Frankly, I don't care what celebrities are doing, except in a performance for which I pay good money. Every now and then, however, something comes to my attention that does make me want to comment. This time, it's about actress Anne Heche.Apparently, Anne Heche went on the Late Show with David Letterman and ragged on her ex-husband. She made fun of him collecting checks from her (as mandated by the court as spousal support) following their divorce.Tacky, mean, vindictive and very self-serving.Not long ago, I took a call from a woman who was complaining about her ex-shack-up honey's girlfriend, (the "homewrecker" as she called her). Here's the gist of how that call went:Me: Is this woman someone who took vows of fidelity to you?Caller: NOMe: Is this man someone who took vows of fidelity to you?Caller: NO.Me: Is this man someone you simply shacked up with without a commitment?Caller: YES.Me: Did you decide to create two children in this insecure situation?Caller: YESMe: And you're mad at HER???While these two situations seem unrelated, they most certainly
are
related. How? When a person makes foolish decisions and then complains about the most typical, logical and predictable outcome, that is a person totally out of touch with the reality of life. YOU make choices; YOU should be willing to take responsibility for those choices and stop looking and acting as if you are an innocent victim of life's tidal waves.Anne Heche did a terrible thing to her ex-husband by humiliating him in public. What did he do to earn that? The court mandated the financial support. I don't know the quality of choice she made in a husband, nor do I know what quality of wife she was. All I see is that she is not classy, and that she takes no public responsibility for the demise of her marriage.Blaming everything and everyone else may be humorous if you do it on the Letterman show, but it doesn't speak to the truth (and ultimately, we all live with the truth). She should have said nothing, or added
"y'know, I have to take responsibility for my choices and actions here. I don't like that a grown man is taking spousal support, but I have some responsibility for this marital fiasco too."
Now THAT would be classy....and closer to the truth.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:19ZLive Out LoudStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Live-Out-Loud/339.html2010-05-13T08:07:18Z2010-05-13T08:07:18Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Mice kept on a diet that is healthy (but absolutely no fun at all) in which their caloric intake was restricted to only 70% of what's considered "normal" lived 30 to 40% longer than the usual lifespan. The only downside of this restriction was that the mice were less fertile than their non-restricted counterparts. Most people can't restrict calories for long, so, according to the
New York Times
, scientists are trying to find a drug that tricks the body into thinking it's eating fewer calories. The problem is that all of these restricted calorie experiments are done on captive mice, who are selected for quick breeding and who are fed on rich diets. A low-calorie diet could be much closer to the diet that mice are adapted to in the wild, extending their life simply because it is much healthier for them. Mice don't live that long, anyway. Humans have a longer life span, and that extended duration of time on the planet leaves us more vulnerable to cancers.So, after 20 years of experimenting with caloric restriction on monkeys in captivity, studies found the monkeys were healthier (i.e., they had fewer incidents of diabetes, cancer, and heart disease), but their life span was not significantly longer. Eating more prudently than we generally do, therefore, was good for
quality
of life, but not for
quantity
of life.And that's the point of my taking on this issue in the first place. People call my radio program knowing they're probably going to die of some particular terminal disease they have. They call me, because they're spending each day suffering emotionally over the realization that they will soon be dead. My response to one woman in this situation was to wake up each morning and yell out loud:
"Damn - I'm not dead! Today, I'm gonna LIVE OUT LOUD!!!"
The point of our being upset about death is the realization that we've lost all we value in life. So, take each day that you're not dead to live life to the fullest. Enjoy that day you're not dead. Don't waste one precious moment of it.Come to think of it, that's good advice for everyone, since at different times, and at different rates, we're
all
terminal. Don't waste one minute of life.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:18ZLive Like You Were Dyin'Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Live-Like-You-Were-Dyin/340.html2010-05-13T08:07:17Z2010-05-13T08:07:17ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:17ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/341.html2010-05-13T08:07:17Z2010-05-13T08:07:17ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:17ZHappy Anniversary to the Seat BeltStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Happy-Anniversary-to-the-Seat-Belt/342.html2010-05-13T08:07:16Z2010-05-13T08:07:16Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Here's a trivia question: Who invented the car seat belt?The answer? Volvo's first safety engineer, Nils Bohlin, who invented it in 1959. Prior to this invention, Bohlin designed a catapult ejector seat for airplane pilots. This month is the 50th anniversary of the three-point safety belt, an invention that has saved hundreds of thousands of lives globally. Volvo also made the patent available to other car makers, because they were convinced of the life-saving potential of this invention.Of course, just about everybody was against it at first: it added cost to the car, no one wanted to promote cars as "death traps" by saying seat belts were there to save lives, and some people envisioned themselves trapped by a seat belt while a car was aflame or sinking into a watery grave. Facts eventually won out over emotional responses, and safety experts estimate that seat belts increase your chance of surviving
ANY
collision by roughly 50 percent (according to a Fox News story).Of course, these days, there are many more safety precautions available to the average driver: front and side air bags, pre-tensioners which tighten the safety belt straps when a collision is imminent, anti-lock braking system, and cars that talk to you when you're too close to a wall or to another car. Nonetheless, all roads lead back to the seat belt. You're just plain stupid if you don't use seat belts, and excuses like "it pinches," or you don't believe you'll ever have an accident or you forget just don't fly.The
facts
are that you will more likely die by
ejection
if you don't buckle up. If you insist on not using your seat belt, please take out a million dollar life insurance policy for your family and friends. That way, they can at least enjoy some benefit from your being so stubborn!Staff2010-05-13T08:07:16Z10 Minutes to a New Stressless AttitudeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/10-Minutes-to-a-New-Stressless-Attitude/343.html2010-05-13T08:07:15Z2010-05-13T08:07:15ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:15ZLockerbie Bomber Treated Like a HeroStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Lockerbie-Bomber-Treated-Like-a-Hero/344.html2010-05-13T08:07:14Z2010-05-13T08:07:14Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I am sick to my stomach and soul that Scotland freed the Lockerbie bomber on
compassionate
grounds, allowing the terminally ill creep to die in his homeland, Libya, and rejecting American pleas for justice in the attack that killed 270 people.Abdel Baset al-Megrahi served
ONLY
eight years of his life sentence. Because he's been diagnosed with terminal prostate cancer, Scottish Judge Secretary MacAskill felt that since
"Mr. al-Megrahi now faces a sentence imposed by a higher power,"
he should be set free to die in his own bed in Libya. The mass murderer was convicted in 2001 of taking part in the bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 on December 21, 1988 - just before Christmas. The airliner exploded over Lockerbie, Scotland, and all 259 people aboard and 11 on the ground died when it crashed.This evil man has been given three months to live, or so the doctors guess. He is being given the luxury of dying in his country, in his town, in his home and with his family. Is that appropriately compassionate? Well, my take is that this is definitely compassionate, but definitely NOT appropriate. It is an appalling, disgusting, sickening decision made by misguided notions of compassion. Compassion for this man is an insult to all the victims. The compassion should be directed to the victims and the ongoing, permanent suffering of their families. This is
misplaced
compassion,
misdirected
compassion, and
inappropriate
compassion. All the families of the victims got the bits and pieces of their loved ones returned to them in a box. The same should happen to al-Meghari. Why is this happening? As one wise man once said, "Follow the money...or the oil." Libya's leader, Moammar Gadhafi collected al-Megrahi on his private jet. Western energy companies (including Britain's BP PLC) have moved into Libya in an attempt to tap the country's vast oil and gas wealth. Gadhafi, as reported by FoxNews.com, has renounced terrorism, dismantled Libya's secret nuclear program, and accepted his government's responsibility for the Lockerbie bombing. He has paid compensation to the victim's families. I don't know why he wants this vile creature back in Libya to die. Perhaps it's because there's more to the story...When al-Megrahi landed in Tripoli, more than 1,000 young Libyans gathered to welcome him, cheering and waving Libyan flags. You should know that large public gatherings are rare in Libya, and tightly controlled by the government (especially on the tarmac where Gadhafi's private jet lands). For a country that is supposed to have turned its back on terrorism, protecting, nurturing and celebrating a terrorist murderer is perplexing. Perhaps it means that the roots of Libya are still firmly planted in extremist mentalities. Or maybe it means that, having bowed to economic and political pressure, Libya wished to flex a bicep at the expense of 270 victims and their innumerable family members and friends.To have put al-Meghari on a plane and then to welcome him as a hero, allowing him to die in peace is, in my opinion, an insult to the values of all civilization which believes that life is precious. He forfeited the preciousness of his life when he thought it righteous to murder, killing men, women and children who didn't mean him or anyone else any harm. Shame on Scotland. Shame on Libya. Shame on Scotland again, for not inflicting a death penalty on an unrepentant mass murderer. We do not show the world that we value life when we impose minor consequences on those who devalue and steal lives.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:14ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/345.html2010-05-13T08:07:13Z2010-05-13T08:07:13ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:13ZMichael Vick Returns to FootballStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Michael-Vick-Returns-to-Football/346.html2010-05-13T08:07:12Z2010-05-13T08:07:12Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Every time a celebrity does something egregious (and only when they get
caught
doing it), they appear on Letterman (or previously on Leno) or some network morning show to self-flagellate as a method for gaining sympathy. It's a rather standard public relations maneuver, and I usually find it to be an example of false contrition.There's a big difference between having remorse
because
you were caught, as opposed to
before
you were caught. Most people just say "Sorry," because they were caught, and not
because
they have actual remorse for doing something wrong. In other words, their "Sorry," actually means
"Geez, I'm soooo sorry I was caught,"
which is vastly different from
"Oh, I'm soooo sorry I hurt someone."
This brings me to Michael Vick, who, with his own hands, perpetrated some of the most horrific torture of fighting dogs that I have ever heard about. Frankly, it was hard to imagine the kind of dissociation from all compassion and emotion that goes into looking into the eyes of suffering animals, and
enjoying
watching the pain and
enjoying
having that much power over an agonized, terrified animal. To me, that is sociopathic which is over the top in cruelty. I would not like to see that person on the streets ever again.Vick is now out of jail, and has been on
60 Minutes
to explain his behavior and to make the case for his repentance. Repentance has four parts: 1) taking
responsibility
for your actions (owning what you've done and giving no excuses or blaming others for your own actions), 2) feeling
remorse
(i.e., being truly regretful for the hurt caused), 3)
repair
(for example, going to the Humane Society and/or giving talks to change people's minds and hearts about how they treat animals - and, by the way, Vick has been doing that), and 4) no
repeat
behavior. Those are the Four R's of Repentance.On
60 Minutes
, Vick took total responsibility for his actions. He was even pushed by James Brown, who asked:
"Who do you blame for all of this?"
Vick said,
"I blame me."
He didn't use the words "but..." or "it's just..." which I hear all too often on my radio program. Instead, he just took responsibility. He talked about his first experience watching dog fights at age 8, and, as a boy of 8, thought it was cool, fun, and exciting. It was something a lot of men friends did together. It was poignant when he pointed out that it was time for him to pay the price with jail time, he did that alone, because all his so-called "friends" were gone. He said,
"I deserve to lose the $130 million."
He also admitted to being lazy and arrogant while at the Atlanta Falcons. It seems he took his prison time to really assess his own moral character and his life. He spent 2 years in jail, and was suspended from playing football, and he lost all his sponsorship dollars and his reputation. None of that really impresses me...not at all. What does impress me is his statement that
"football doesn't matter at all,"
because
"...I should have [taken] the initiative to stop it all. I didn't. I didn't stop it at all."
So, I'm okay with the Philadelphia Eagles giving him a job. I think he's taken a right-hand turn onto the correct road toward being a decent human being. I'm willing to stand out of his way and let him do just that.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:12ZFamilies Need a No Wireless ZoneStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Families-Need-a-No-Wireless-Zone/347.html2010-05-13T08:07:11Z2010-05-13T08:07:11Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>"Technology is the Evil Empire, Bent On Destroying Family Intimacy!" That's the headline I'd like to put on this post, but guns don't shoot people -
people
shoot people - so technology is not destroying families. People are destroying their own families.The technology I'm talking about is texting, video gaming, Facebook, email, Twitter, MySpace and more. Remember when the only complaint about lack of communication in families was when family members were all in separate rooms watching different television programs? Well, now, family members can all be in the same room, totally ignoring each other for the sake of fake friends and useless information, instead of for family conversations. Some family members even text each other from different parts of the same home, rather than walk the 15 feet, hug, and talk to each other.I remember the not-so-recent TV ads that promoted a family eating dinner together. Now, if you showed an ad with a family at the dinner table, there'd have to be a sign nearby that said "No Wireless Zone." I wonder what depth of interaction is being missed because one is getting superficial "quickies" from texting or emailing or Facebooking? On the other hand, I already
know
that we're less able to engage in reasoned, significant discourse and profound intimacies these days, because, from the age of 4 or 5, we're geared toward the superficial, faceless exchange of comments on each other's web pages.Parents, you
must
get yourselves into gear and limit the amount of time per day donated to the wireless world outside of work. Otherwise, over time, there'll be no need for lips and vocal cords and eye contact, and we'll evolve into "thumbs only" beings who just peck away with a false sense of actually participating in the real world.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:11ZDad's Different in the New MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dads-Different-in-the-New-Marriage/348.html2010-05-13T08:07:10Z2010-05-13T08:07:10ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:10ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/349.html2010-05-13T08:07:09Z2010-05-13T08:07:09ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:09ZTUMS Ad Promotes Big TummiesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/TUMS-Ad-Promotes-Big-Tummies/350.html2010-05-13T08:07:09Z2010-05-13T08:07:09Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>While I was having a healthy breakfast the other morning, I became incensed at a particular TV commercial for TUMS. TUMS itself is a fine product for relieving excess stomach acid, but that's NOT how the commercial was positioning the product.A man, standing in the evening rain, is looking through the glass into a restaurant, gazing hungrily and sadly while the cook is frying up a bunch of meat and pouring cheese all over it. The music accentuates the man's painful disappointment. The scene is a "take-off" on the situation where a starving child has his nose against the glass watching rich people dine, while his stomach has shrunken to the size of a raisin.It was not very funny.The next shot is of a TUMS bottle. The shot after that is of the man who had been looking into the restaurant eating this ferociously unhealthy sandwich of meat fried in a ton of oil with artery-clogging cheese melted all over it.Not very funny, either.So, here is a product which is NOT being promoted as a rescue effort for someone struck with a little excess acid. This product is now being promoted as an ENABLER of horrible eating habits
(Hey! Eat that rich, fattening food - because now we have a way to get you through it with minimal discomfort!)
Since two thirds of Americans (including children) are fat or obese, this is so irresponsible that I am ALMOST speechless. Showing people they can indulge in unbelievably unhealthy eating with the help of TUMS sounds like something you would see in a comedy movie, but not in an actual promotion of a supposedly healthy product.I liked it better when they were touting the amount of calcium in it for strong bones.It's not the fault of the TUMS tablets. It's the fault of the greedy folks behind it, who are willing to let people hurt themselves,
if
it sells a tablet.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:09ZWomen Gone WildStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Women-Gone-Wild/351.html2010-05-13T08:07:08Z2010-05-13T08:07:08Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Of the people who commented on a recent news story in which several so-called "mistresses" and a wife blindfolded and bound a man and then Krazy Glued his penis to his stomach, 68% of them LAUGHED. They actually LAUGHED at this story.They wouldn't have laughed if it were the other way around, i.e., if several men glued a woman's genitals closed. I am amazed that these women don't think they did anything wrong in this attack! I can immediately think of a whole bunch of things, including false imprisonment, assault, sexual assault - and that's just for starters.This is the story. The married man from Wisconsin planned to rendezvous with one of his several lovers at a motel. The four women (including his wife) planned to have one of them make that "date" so that then they could ambush him together. One of the women told investigators that she met him online through Craigslist, fell in love (online), and paid for his use of a motel room for the past two months. She, like the others, gave this man money. So, let's review: these scummy women picked up a guy off the Internet, decided it was "love," and paid for motel sex and gave him money! And they were expecting what? True romance, honesty, integrity and everlasting love??I honestly can't understand why they're even angry. They brought this on themselves, by acting like they were somewhere between sluts and purchasers of prostitution. During this ugly episode, unbelievably, one of them asked him which woman he loved the most! What does love have to do with any of this? Another threatened to shoot him.Apparently, his wife knew all about the honeys he had on the side, but instead of hitting the "eject" button, she decided to participate in this assault. Obviously, he's a jerk. But now, these women are all possible felons.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:08ZKissing My Baby's Face OffStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Kissing-My-Babys-Face-Off/352.html2010-05-13T08:07:07Z2010-05-13T08:07:07ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:07ZA Toy That's TOO Anatomically CorrectStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-Toy-Thats-TOO-Anatomically-Correct/353.html2010-05-13T08:07:07Z2010-05-13T08:07:07Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I breast-fed my son, and promote breast-feeding for adult mothers, for both psychological and physiological reasons - it's a great and wonderful thing for mother and child. I do believe in being discreet, however, which gets some breast-feeding moms hot under the collar. I guess they forget that breasts are "sexual" parts to men, and generally are considered appendages that should be private. So what's the latest toy on the market for little girls (coming out in time for the holidays)? A doll that comes with a special halter top for a little girl (the doll's "mother") to wear as she pretends to breast feed her "baby." The halter top has daisies that cover a little girl's nipples, and come undone just as easily as the flaps of a real nursing bra do. Toys need to be age-appropriate, and toys which may speed up maternal urges at a time when children are not that mature, are just not appropriate at all.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:07ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/354.html2010-05-13T08:07:05Z2010-05-13T08:07:05ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:05ZUnbelievable Feminista Hogwash About Quality HusbandsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Unbelievable-Feminista-Hogwash-About-Quality-Husbands/355.html2010-05-13T08:07:05Z2010-05-13T08:07:05Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A female professor from Oxford University in England, in an article published in the Journal of Population Economics, has
decided
that American and British men (who don't mind lending a hand when it comes to housework), make the best husbands, while Australian men are the worst. She's also "decided" that Norway, Sweden, and Northern Ireland, where men "lend a hand in housework," are egalitarian countries which produce better husbands.I say:
unbelievable feminista hogwash!!
The professor's definition of a good husband is ridiculous. Men who are sexually faithful, who work hard to provide for and protect their families, who take care of the plumbing and the lawn are not good husbands, because they don't do what used to be called "women's work." This is just one more salvo in the war against masculinity, in which men are completely emasculated because they're told that they're neither good men nor good husbands unless they fold the laundry.When women call me complaining about such things (usually women who are at home), I ask them if they drive their husband's route in traffic every day, or if they deal with difficult bosses or co-workers, or if they aren't able to take breaks whenever they choose or take care of all the car and house repair issues. They say "no," but expect him to do housework in addition to all his other responsibilities.In those situations where both husband and wife have full-time jobs, and there's a "war" about who's going to take care of household chores, I say they should budget and pay for part-time housecleaning help, or one of them ought to reassess their life and decide if having no one at home to make a nest is worth the money they both make.There are biological and psychological imperatives in females for nesting/child care, and in males for conquering/protecting. When these are turned inside out, there is usually (but not always) a reaction in the female to feel less respectful and sexual toward her mate. Women don't stare at skinny guys with spectacles when they walk by, but they do stare at Bowflex-toned commercial male actors with huge pecs and biceps. Why? It's the animal attraction of a male who, potentially, is sexually healthy enough to produce offspring and then provide and protect.Women who want emasculated men generally have huge hostility issues with masculinity (which they got from their mothers or the feminist teachers of their women's studies courses), and want to be able to control the man (never as much as their mother could) or are just too scared of their normal natural dependency on a real man.A better study would be to find out what household situations make MEN happiest, because those are the ones which, overall, are going to attract the men who make the best husbands. Happy husbands spend more time with their families, and would swim through shark-infested waters for them. This particular study? Just another piece of feminist propaganda flotsam.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:05ZOverdosing on AntidepressantsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Overdosing-on-Antidepressants/356.html2010-05-13T08:07:03Z2010-05-13T08:07:03Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Antidepressant drug use in the United States
doubled
between 1998 and 2005, according to a report in The Archives of General Psychiatry. But I'm telling you that there is no way in the world that the incidence of profound depression doubled in that same period. No way.About 13 million people (or 6% of the population) were prescribed an antidepressant in 1996. By 2006, that number rose to more than 27 million people. Again, there's no way that the incidence of profound depression increased that much. Try this number on for size: more than 164 million prescriptions were written in 2008, totaling almost
$10
BILLION
in US sales. Unlike the incidence of profound depression, I believe that the incidence of making money off prescriptions for depression did indeed double between 1996 and 2005.As a licensed psychotherapist, I can tell you with great candor that the psychological and pharmaceutical communities have a huge investment in income - plain and simple. It's been amazing to me (and I have commented on this publicly for thirty years) how there are trends in diagnoses and grandiose treatments. For a while, everyone was agoraphobic; then every adult claimed to have some level of ADD; then there was a trend toward multiple personality disorder. Now, being bi-polar is the illness of choice, or so it seems.I'm going to state the obvious:
yes
, there are people clinically depressed to such a severe level that medicine might be the difference between life and suicide. I have recommended interim treatment for people who seem to be suffering profoundly.However, this "doubling" issue is occurring for a number of reasons: 1) trends in the psych industry; 2) money-making efforts by pharmaceutical companies (notice all the TV commercials); 3) the growing weakness of the American public to deal with frustrations and setbacks; 4) the social acceptance of copping to a mental illness to explain various personality/behavioral issues; 5) insurance companies not paying for psychotherapy (requiring high out-of-pocket expenses for treatment). The bottom line? Numerous studies show that therapy is as effective (if not
more
effective) than drug use alone.I've become more and more concerned about people trying to "cure" what is normal. I've said this on my program many times: being sad and deflated over job or love losses is
normal
; having childhood disruptions in one's life is
normal
; hanging on to them as an identity, attempt at attention, and as a cop-out for responsibilities is not accepting (and not enduring) what is
normal
. A sixteen year old male called my radio program the other day. He was sad that "the love of his life" dumped him, and he didn't see any future for himself. I told him that what he was calling the "love of his life" at 16 was not what he would choose as the love of his life at 26. I also told him that this adolescent "drama" was
normal
, and that he would go through it a number of times, before he truly recognized who would ultimately be the "love of his life." His attitude lightened up as he began to understand what
normal
meant. I told him to distract himself with sports (releasing powerful endorphins) and friends, without harping on his situation, and it would pass...until the next time. That is just simply what life is like.We have people who can't take a joke, can't tolerate a difference of opinion (after George W. Bush was re-elected, a psychologist in my area published an article talking about the massive depression in his patients who were Democrats - I was stunned and horrified that people would seek therapy for an election disappointment), who call everything "harassment," who go through difficulties and say that the rest of their lives are "ruined" because of that event, who say they can't function anymore in life because somebody pushed them too close to their actual potential, and so on. Frankly, I worry that Americans are getting spiritually and psychologically weaker - voluntarily - because victimhood is attractive, and because there is a group for every type of victim that will help them to prolong the suffering.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:03ZJobless College Grad Sues Her SchoolStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Jobless-College-Grad-Sues-Her-School/357.html2010-05-13T08:07:02Z2010-05-13T08:07:02Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A young, female graduate of Monroe College in the Bronx, New York, is suing the school for a total of $70,000 she contends is the amount she spent on getting a degree that promised her a job. I looked up Monroe College on the Internet, and this is what I read:
"Whether preparing for a career or simply needing a part-time job, the Monroe College Office of Career Advancement provides expert advice and valuable services to help you. Every student at Monroe College has a Career Advisor, who provides one-on-one assistance with career decision-making, resume and letter writing, and job search strategies. The Office of Career Advancement helps with career assessment, resume writing, job search and strategy, employer recruitment and placement, interviewing skills, and other job search guidance. Registering with E-recruiting allows you to view online job listings, post a resume to the database, and access additional web-based career resources."
I don't see a
promise
or
guarantee
or
money-back offer
. The college cannot guarantee against the world's financial issues. Also, we don't know how well she did in her courses, or how aggressively she worked on getting a position, or how inventive and persistent she's been in trying to get herself situated.I wondered also if she weren't making a public spectacle in order to bully the college into giving her back her money, as she is heavily in debt and living with her single mother (who is also living on meager resources). I don't know her motive first hand. I just wonder.It's getting more and more annoying that more and more people figure they're entitled to things just because they want them. That's an adolescent view (which consists only of a narcissistic perception of the world), and it's supposed to mature in one's twenties.I'm sorry she's in debt, but she made that choice. I'm sorry she's having a hard time getting a job right now. Maybe she has to choose something to do which has nothing to do with her degree just to sustain herself and her mom through these rough times that millions of people are also dealing with. I'm sorry she's mad, but nobody owes her a living. I'm sorry the media sees fit to make a big deal of her actions without some judgment as to the worthiness of those actions.I'm
not
sorry I'm mentioning this, as I want to make sure that none of magnificent listening audience slips into this childish state of pouting and stamping feet when life doesn't go the way you planned or wanted. If there is one thing to learn from this girl, it's that life doesn't guarantee anything but the opportunity, and she's wasting it by whining. If I were an employer, I wouldn't hire her after reading about these antics. I would want a more mature individual who does what she has to do to survive, and makes the best of it. That's the kind of person to respect and support.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:02ZThese Days, Most Women Are PigsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/These-Days,-Most-Women-Are-Pigs/358.html2010-05-13T08:07:01Z2010-05-13T08:07:01ZStaff2010-05-13T08:07:01Z"Dance Your Ass Off" is Right On!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dance-Your-Ass-Off-is-Right-On!/359.html2010-05-13T08:07:00Z2010-05-13T08:07:00Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Last Monday, I stayed up late to watch "
Dance Your Ass Off
," a new reality series on Oxygen. I've said many times (and I stand by it), I loathe even the
concept
of what has been called "reality TV." I find it generally exploitive, humiliating, demeaning, mean, stupid and guilty of lowering the American consciousness to sub-basement levels. People are embarrassed, made fun of, attacked, and dismissed with a cavalier attitude of so-called judges or peered out. These shows make it to air, because they're cheap to produce and because there seems to be no end to the appetite of some of the American public to lick their lips when others are behaving badly or grossly, or when people are being "thrown to the lions."When I heard there was a new TV show in which overweight people would compete in dancing, I thought this would be seriously sickening. What a scenario for making fun of people! "
Dance Your Ass Off
" has some of the elements of the typically disgusting reality format: judges who have "not too judicious" comments, and someone who gets thrown out after some weeks. But there is much more to this show in particular (in spite of the spicy title). The scores are not only for their dancing (they're trained and choreographed by a professional dancer), but for
how much weight they lose
. They all have access to a nutritionist who guides them in cooking and food choices and portion sizes. So at the end of the Olympics-like scoring from 1 to 10 for the quality of their dancing that week, the percentage of weight lost that week is added to their individual score. Therefore, a person could have been graded poorly for their dance program, but if they lost 5% of their body weight, they potentially could win the whole night!I like that this is just not a typical exploitation of people small or too big. It's a real challenge for these people to get fit, lose weight, practice dancing, and perform. The most significant part of the entire program that I appreciated was that there was no competition
between
these folks. They all support each other in losing weight and doing their best. There are no mean manipulations in order to throw somebody off the island or forced fights just for entertainment's sake. These people work hard, and become quite committed to being fit.It's funny. I thought this would be an utterly disgusting display, and it turns out it's one which is quite benevolent and fun to watch. Seeing these folks working very hard in spite of their extra weight and lack of fitness is admirable and not something to giggle about. Most of the time, the contestants behave quite respectfully when the judges are not that complimentary (and I think the judges are often out of order making demands of non-dancers who are overweight). Nonetheless, overall, this show is quite supportive of the
right
behaviors.Staff2010-05-13T08:07:00ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/360.html2010-05-13T08:06:59Z2010-05-13T08:06:59ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:59ZThe Prince Was Really a FrogStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Prince-Was-Really-a-Frog/361.html2010-05-13T08:06:58Z2010-05-13T08:06:58Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I love
"Law & Order"
and
"Cold Case"
types of programs, because of the cleverness of the characters in discerning truth from lies (either from witnesses or clues at a crime scene). I find it fascinating. Detective Goren from
"Law & Order: Criminal Intent"
seems to know everything about just everything, which is a plot device that sometimes strains credulity, but, in general, I find the most interesting leaps to be that of a "gut feeling" or a "hunch" which is not easily explained by logic until after the fact.Some people are better at this than others - perhaps it's an inner talent that is unique, or maybe that individual just pays more attention to detail, or maybe it's just the willingness to listen to that still, soft voice that tells you something just isn't right.I find that many people who call my radio program with concerns about the behaviors of someone they're dating already "knew" on some level that something just wasn't right. But they ignored or denied those feelings because they wanted the fantasy to be true. Generally, these desired fantasies turn into disasters.One caller earlier this week met a guy online who immediately treated her like he was her fairy godmother. "Zap" with his wand, and they were off to foreign lands for lunch and distant places for vacations. She found out that he was still married, even though he had said he was divorced. She called me all upset and sad.I told her that she had behaved like a slut (yeah, I said that), because he had money. Certainly, she couldn't have believed that he loved her -
he didn't even KNOW her!
She was gullible and pretty and sexually available and that was what he was looking for. He wasn't looking for the love of his life. She, however, wanted the princess fairy tale, and she had it for two months. Meanwhile, she had suspended her good sense about why a man would operate like this with no real knowledge of the woman. Answer? Knowledge of the woman was not of interest to him. Showing off and having passionate sex with a very willing woman was what he really wanted.Instead of worrying about not being able to trust men, and sobbing with great hurt at being dumped, I suggested that she start behaving like the kind of woman a real man without a selfish agenda would value. She didn't listen to that small voice, and ended up used and humiliated. Don't deny what you know in your gut, even in the midst of what seems like the most unbelievable reality. It
is
unbelievable, because it is not to be believed.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:58ZIn Terms of Beauty, Women Evolve, but Men Don'tStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/In-Terms-of-Beauty,-Women-Evolve,-but-Men-Dont/362.html2010-05-13T08:06:57Z2010-05-13T08:06:57Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Romantically, beauty may be in the eyes of the beholder, but according to a new report from research done in Helsinki and London, girls are getting prettier, and guys are...well...
not
getting more handsome.
"Scientists have found that evolution is driving women to become ever more beautiful, while men remain as aesthetically unappealing as their caveman ancestors,"
reports
The London Times
. Evidently, beautiful women have more children than their plainer counterparts, and a higher proportion of those children are females who tend to be attractive. A researcher at the University of Helsinki found beautiful women had up to 16% more children than plain women. An evolutionary psychologist at the London School of Economics proclaimed that good-looking parents were far more likely to conceive daughters. The most attractive parents (out of 15,000 Americans who were "judged") were 26%
less
likely to have sons.
"Physical attractiveness is a highly heritable trait, which disproportionately increases the reproductive success of daughters much more than of sons. If more attractive parents have more daughters, and if physical attractiveness is heritable, it logically follows that women over many generations gradually become more physically attractive on average than men,"
the researcher said.Well, here's my take. I don't really know if any of this holds water, but let's assume for a moment that it does. This means that a lot of beautiful women are marrying plain men because they are less into "beauty" and more into other qualities (like loyalty, fidelity, ability to provide and protect, sexual prowess, and status), while men want women who are beautiful because their beauty is a source of status for the male and a measure of her overall health for child-bearing.Nonetheless, I was quite impressed with the beyond gorgeous hunk Tom Selleck, when I learned that he married a rather plain-looking woman, and quite put off with Bruce Willis, when he married some hottie almost half his age. To me, these choices told me the character and maturity of each man, with Selleck winning out.All of these "soft science" reports are amusing, if not generally nonsense, and it is amazing how differently you feel about a person's good looks after you meet and interact with them as opposed to just viewing a two-dimensional photograph.My main point here is this: it's a fact that we are first attracted or repelled by looks (no kidding). However, I suggest you try MY experiment: walk through a mall or a flower garden, and look at the people paired up and holding hands or talking softly to one another. It's rare that one or both is "beautiful," but it is not rare that they are happy with the depth of compassion, attention, affection, support, fun, and happiness that they obviously share.The moral to this story? Have good hygiene, make the most of the physical qualities you have, and don't focus at all on your looks (or anyone else's for that matter). Put your best behavioral foot forward, and be open to meeting friends and a possible life partner based, instead, on how you make each other feel.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:57ZIs It Ever Too Late to Be a SAHM?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Is-It-Ever-Too-Late-to-Be-a-SAHM/363.html2010-05-13T08:06:56Z2010-05-13T08:06:56ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:56ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/364.html2010-05-13T08:06:55Z2010-05-13T08:06:55ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:55ZDiary of a Recovering "Bad" WifeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Diary-of-a-Recovering-Bad-Wife/365.html2010-05-13T08:06:55Z2010-05-13T08:06:55Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I got this email from a self-described former "bad" wife, and I'll let it speak for itself:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Some people are recovering alcoholics. I am a recovering bad wife. I don't know much about the 12 step programs, but from the little TV I watch, I recall that the first step is to recognize that you have a problem, so here I go:
My name is S., and I am a bad wife. My addiction is not alcohol. My addiction is the "blame-it-all-on-the-husband" or "take-it-all-out-on-the-husband addiction.
I know you've described all of my symptoms much better than I can and much more eloquently in "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands," and that you've also given me the solutions to become a better wife, but I think my first step needs to be acknowledging my problem.
I acknowledge that I have too much on my plate, and that I cannot do it all well, and that my husband's needs and desires have been at the bottom of my priority list for a long time. People will tell you I am a really nice person, always ready to help, and yet the one person I
should
be caring about the most (my husband), does not get the respect, the love, and the care that he deserves.
As of today, I am no longer a bad wife. I am a
recovering
bad wife, and I vow to be the girlfriend and wife my husband deserves.
Thank you, Dr. Laura, for hammering good sense into my head.
S.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:55ZTeen Sailor Gets Dissed by the Associated PressStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Teen-Sailor-Gets-Dissed-by-the-Associated-Press/366.html2010-05-13T08:06:54Z2010-05-13T08:06:54Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A now 17-year-old boy from Thousand Oaks, California recently sailed, by himself, some 28,000 miles in one year on a 36-foot sailboat. Zac Sunderland was 16 when he left Marina del Rey harbor in June, 2008.The Associated Press writer was a bit snarky, I think, when writing:
"But the shaggy-haired Thousand Oaks native might not hold the record of being the youngest person to sail around the world alone for long. British sailor Mike Perham is a few months younger than Sunderland, and is sailing a bigger, faster boat."
If I were Zac's mother, this would have annoyed me. I'm not his mother, but it annoys
me
. Assuming she or he wants to keep a scrapbook commemorating his sailing exploits, what a snarky thing to have included.
"A few months...a bigger, faster boat."
So what?Here is a 16 (now 17) year old kid who, instead of partying, abusing drugs, alcohol or hanging out with silly girls, instead of spending hours on Facebook, MySpace, Twitter or whatever, instead of hanging in his room sullen, instead of causing trouble at school, instead of driving too fast in the car he shouldn't have been given in the first place, instead of a lot of typical teenage boy activities, took on a challenge that was to test his ability to discipline himself, live austerely, deal with unpredictable weather and seas, survive loneliness and fear, and fix equipment failures when warranted.Shoving up his nose in print that someone else trying it is younger and has a better boat, shows, in my opinion, a complete ignorance of the difficulties and challenges he had to face. It is remarkable for such a young person to brave all the elements of wind and sea to take an incredible journey on his own. I am sure he now has a healthy respect for nature, life and himself. I am sure he won't hesitate to face many other challenges on land. I am sure he won't be abusing himself or substances to get a "rush." I am sure he's a fine young man who should be an inspiration to other teens. You are never too young to have a dream and go for it.I'm sure his mom is very proud. She should be!Staff2010-05-13T08:06:54Z72-Year-Old Woman Tries To Have a ChildStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/72-Year-Old-Woman-Tries-To-Have-a-Child/367.html2010-05-13T08:06:52Z2010-05-13T08:06:52Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I should have curly hair by now, especially considering the shenanigans and cruelty perpetrated on children by self-centered adults who have the title "parent." Their behavior would curl anyone's hair.A 72-year-old woman realized that she
"always wanted a child, but spent [her] younger years devoted to academics, achieving degrees in medical sciences and zoology. I'd always had it in the back of my mind that when the time was right I'd like to have a child. But my studies meant that children kept getting delayed. The right time finally came in my early 50s, and since then, I've been attempting, and failing, with IVF [in-vitro fertilization]."
This excuse for a prospective mother has never had a long term relationship (no time for that either), and therefore doesn't even have an ancient daddy to provide for the child. As for her age? Well, she figures anyone can die at any time (and she's a scientist? She's supposed to understand actuarial tables). She really believes she's going to last long enough in good enough health, or she says she'll
"ask one of my younger friends to be a guardian."
So, IF she conceives (and I sincerely hope her 20 years of fertility failure continue), she'll play with the kid and then just pass him or her off to some friend. Great.Remember the Italian woman, then the oldest to give birth in 2006 at the age of 67? She died recently. You can count the age of her orphaned child on less than one hand.If this woman succeeds, she will have the title of the oldest mother in the world. I would suggest that she will be the oldest female creature to give birth, as a
real
mother would never set up her own child for this selfish foolishness. I wish this fertility doctor would have his license revoked. The same should happen to the American doctor who impregnated the "Octomom."Freedoms without limits automatically encroach upon good sense, compassion, and someone else's well-being. This is just another example of how insignificant the needs of children have become as compared to the impulsive, self-centered desires of adults who
want
children, but who don't necessarily want to be bothered by the
needs
of children.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:52ZAn Obese Woman RespondsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/An-Obese-Woman-Responds/368.html2010-05-13T08:06:51Z2010-05-13T08:06:51Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>My recent comments about obesity as both a health issue and an overall economic issue generated quite a number of responses. Some people wrote, detailing medical histories that made it impossible for them to get down to a normal weight. While there are always exceptions, I wanted to share with you a seemingly "impossible" situation faced by a woman who weighed over 400 pounds. She knew that losing weight was going to be very difficult, but she made the changes in her life that kept her on the path to good health, and she's a real inspiration to us all (I've not included her name, for reasons of privacy):
Dear Dr. Laura:
I am an obese person. Two years ago, my sister asked me to have surgery. I did not want to have it, because I was afraid of the risk. I did not know how heavy I was, because my doctor's scale limit is 400 pounds. I promised my sister I would change my behavior, but not go on a diet.
I went to the doctor and got some information and a health exam. Then I began to make plans on changing my behavior. [In the past], I was not eating breakfast or lunch. I was so hungry when I got home, I would eat easy fast food instead of taking the time to prepare food. I would also binge late at night. The doctor suggested I no longer skip meals.
First change:
I eat breakfast and lunch.
Second change:
Drink before eating. I drink water, and, for flavor, sometimes Crystal Light. I learned that when the body needs something, it is not specific. It just says "I need," and "stomach feels empty."
Third change:
Choose better foods. If heart tells brain "I need nutrients," and stomach tells brain "I am full of garbage," the brain sends the message "empty stomach."
Fourth change:
Thinking of food in a different way. It's neither my entertainment nor my entitlement. Better food will get me up the stairs at work. At 200+ pounds overweight, life becomes stationary. Nutrition can replace that.
Fifth change:
Reduce the amount of food. The doctor suggested that I keep a log of my food and drink. I wrote down everything for two weeks. I was eating more than I thought. Over time, I reduced my starch in half and then in half again. Today...I do not plan food or write it down. For me, I would be thinking of food too much. I eat set breakfast and lunch meals. Dinner is now something that can be made in 30 minutes.
Sixth change:
Move more. Your nagging worked. The doctor suggested low impact exercise over a long period of time. No jack rabbit starts and stops. I can't sustain walking out of water, so I walk 1 hour in water and backstroke 1 hour, six times a week. I get stares. I stare back. I am not ashamed. I have changed.
There is no diet for me to break from. The only thing left is to feel the frustration. It renews my dedication to my life change. The first two years, I lost 70 pounds. It's the first time in 15 years I have not gained weight. I have been exercising for a month.
Thank you, Dr. Laura, for all your nagging. I wish I would have started earlier. The last two years made it possible. It gave me a foundation of nutrition that sustains me while I move. I now move more and eat less. I can hardly wait until next year.
Thanks again for the kick in the butt.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:51ZCommon Sense Isn't Common Any MoreStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Common-Sense-Isnt-Common-Any-More/369.html2010-05-13T08:06:50Z2010-05-13T08:06:50Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>People have accused me of everything from being rigid, to simply spouting common sense. Well, for the folks who think I'm rigid, I have this to say: I have convictions - convictions that I took a lifetime to forge, convictions I stand by, because they make good sense, and ultimately help people to have better lives.Fifty years ago, most of what I have to say was common sense. Not so now. Today, many values are no longer held in common, and what values are left happen to be undermined daily by forces in government, religion, professional organizations, media, communities, families, friends, neighbors, and even your own impulses.Honestly, I fear for the growing lack of cohesion in our country with respect to values, morals, ideals, goals, and general insight. When half the country accepts a candidate for the Supreme Court of one gender and ethnic group who says she is superior in wisdom and intent to another individual of another gender and ethnic group simply
because
of her gender and ethnic group, and the country doesn't fall to the ground either laughing or outraged, I worry.That example is one on a huge scale, but no less important is how the evaluation of family, marriage, and child care has been constantly undermined by something as simple as TV commercials. We've seen on TV a commercial for a chewing gum that seems to be an aphrodisiac (because young girls seemingly will jump their boyfriends in front of their parents). And now, we have T-Mobile commercials that have a pretty spokeswoman who has a minor boy attempting to seduce her, as well as a husband who goes all "gaga" in front of his wife, who, when she reminds him she's right there, says "We're married....technically."This is supposed to be very funny?We have male penile enhancement supplements being advertised all day and evening (when children are watching), and some lubricant that makes a woman explode with orgasmic pleasure. And on and on it goes.Back in the day, common sense would have precluded these commercials from airing, because they were tasteless and they undermined the common understanding that some things are personal and private. But now, all the barriers are down. Heroes today are people who sing, dance, play music, act in movies, and run with a ball. People who sacrifice in battle, however, are ignored or impugned. Car commercials talk about how sturdy and safe a car is, but they do so while showing a situation in which ex-spouses are doing a "child exchange." Everyone is smiling and appears happy because the car is so nice. There's nothing "nice" about a broken family for a child.After years and years of the TV show
Friends
winning so many Emmy awards, and the stars going on to other lucrative media adventures, young people think "shacking up" and out-of-wedlock pregnancies ARE common sense. I don't mind being the lead salmon...I just hope that you will all consider swimming upstream with me and finally stand up privately (and publicly) for common sense.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:50ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/370.html2010-05-13T08:06:49Z2010-05-13T08:06:49ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:49ZTxting Is Dangerous 4 UStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Txting-Is-Dangerous-4-U/371.html2010-05-13T08:06:48Z2010-05-13T08:06:48Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I have a friend who is temporarily without a computer, so I've been texting him. I've found myself using the letter "u" for "you," and "r" for "are," but other than that, I try to use the English language the way it was meant to be spoken and written.I've complained quite often about how this text messaging thing is completely out of hand, and how your children should not be able to use such technology as it occupies way too much of their time without depth and without development of language skills. Quite the contrary - spelling and syntax and content are out the window when it comes to these mindless exchanges. Additionally, people of all ages are so focused on that little gadget that they ignore their responsibilities as well as their environment.Numerous states have had to implement bans on texting while driving - that's how utterly stupid people can get. Text-related injuries and deaths are not limited to the vehicular variety. In 2008, the state of Illinois proposed legislation that would make texting and walking (with or without gum) illegal! Pedestrians who ridiculed the idea might now need to reconsider their stance.A 15 year old girl on Staten Island was obliviously thumbing away when she disappeared into an open manhole, falling five feet, scraping her back and arms, and landing in a pile of mush. The workers were off getting cones and markers to barricade the opening, so it was a potential hazard. However, if this teen were actually looking where she was going, not a thing would have happened to her. Of course, her parents are going to sue. Well, why not? Your daughter behaves stupidly, so naturally you're going to look around for someone to sue. Money versus common sense. Oh well.If I were a purse snatcher or predator, I'd keep my eyes open for texting women who are moving through life without any awareness of their surroundings: whether people, entities, or holes in the ground. They make easy prey.I keep wondering...what if we looked at everyone's text messages over a 24 hour period of their life? Would we find
anything
important being discussed? I doubt it. More likely, we'd just find them attempting to create a mini-universe to live in, where meaningless discourse makes them feel important or connected - or provides an activity where they avoid dealing with real life issues.What if this teen had stepped on a baby? What if she had tripped over an elderly person who had then fallen? What if she walked right into the hands of a kidnapper? What if she didn't see a person doing harm to another (so she couldn't provide witness testimony to help the police)? I could go on and on....but you get the idea.Yes, the manhole should not have been left unattended - those guys should all be fired. Yes, she should have been looking where she was going. That's just plain common sense. This would have been a preventable accident if the men had done their jobs properly, and if this girl had shown better judgment.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:48ZResisting Irresistible ImpulsesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Resisting-Irresistible-Impulses/372.html2010-05-13T08:06:47Z2010-05-13T08:06:47Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I always look for patterns in callers' questions, because I'm interested in what that pattern means in terms of what folks have come to believe...and why. A persistent thought seems to be that
impulse
is irresistible. That means, if you feel like a burger or a cigarette or a roll in the hay with someone you know you shouldn't be with, then you have some kind of addiction, which means a disease, which means
out of your control
.That's a darn good rationalization...but it ain't true. The only irresistible impulse is one which hasn't been
resisted
, and that is most definitely (but not simply) a
choice
.I say "not simply," because resisting impulses is difficult and sometimes painful. Generally, such inappropriate behaviors have the purpose of 1) immediate gratification of feelings, and 2) hiding you from other emotionally distressing thoughts and feelings. That means that, if you resist the impulse to drink, eat, or have a sexual fling in the office stationery closet, you will be left with the anxiety or sadness that resides within.It is clear, therefore, that the emphasis should be on dealing with the not-so-well submerged anxieties and sadness. For example, a man called recently to say that he is mean to his wife, criticizing anything he sees around the house. I immediately suggested that he saw the cluttered kitchen counter as a sign his wife didn't love him. Now, you'd think that was a ridiculous leap, but it was "spot on." He (after some nagging from me) offered that his mother had not been, well, "motherly" and loving. To this day, he has his wife
do
things to prove/make up for the lack of affection and attention he missed as a child. Did he know he was doing this and why? Yes for the "doing;" no for the "why."I suggested he go home with a flower in hand and tell his wife that he needed her to hold him. I told him that's what "his woman" was for. You can always hire a maid, but you can't hire someone to really love and care about you. He was treating his wife like his mom, when he really needed her to be a wife with loving kindness.You get love by being open to it, and by being loving in return. You do
not
get love by eating that cake, smoking that joint, drinking that beer or overpowering those who care about you. Resist those impulses. Yes, it's painful and difficult, both physically and emotionally, but the ultimate reward is the very thing you've been trying to get (just all in the wrong way), and that thing is LOVE.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:47ZDr. Laura Works Out: AbsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura-Works-Out:-Abs/373.html2010-05-13T08:06:46Z2010-05-13T08:06:46ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:46ZThe Sad Tale of Steve McNair and Sahel KazemiStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Sad-Tale-of-Steve-McNair-and-Sahel-Kazemi/374.html2010-05-13T08:06:45Z2010-05-13T08:06:45Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I get calls all the time from young, emotionally hungry young women (girls, actually), who think that an older, often married, man really loves them. It makes me so sad in my heart to hear these young women denying reality and setting themselves up for hurt.20 year old Sahel Kazemi thought she had it made in the shade, because a celebrity, a former NFL football star, Steve McNair, took her partying in VIP rooms and on vacations for eight months. She believed him when he got her on his condo bed for sex that he was going to leave his wife of twelve years for her. He didn't.And then, one day, she saw some other young thing - probably another girl believing she was the one who was special to McNair. So, one night, when McNair was sitting on his sofa, likely asleep, she shot him twice in the head and twice in the chest. Then she sat down next to him, positioning herself so that she would fall into his lap, and shot herself (according to FoxNews). Here was an attractive young girl (she had just turned twenty), a teenager, a high school dropout who had moved with a boyfriend at age 17 to Nashville from Florida. When she was 9, her mother was murdered, and, born in Iran, she and her family were persecuted for their religious faith.This is a lot of turmoil and chaos and hurt for a young girl, and it is sad that so many family members and family friends tell this upbeat story about her, surprised that she would do such a thing. She was clearly emotionally tortured and vulnerable, needy, and naive. Her life began and ended in violence.Men like McNair make me sick. I am sicker still, reading sycophants talk about his actions on the football field, as though the admiration he earned for running a ball around a field should count for more than the human lives he betrayed. He had a wife, with whom he had two sons, and two more sons from I don't know where and I don't know by whom. He was a 36 year old man who had been given great opportunities and huzzahs for his accomplishments. His response was to cater to his childish needs to "do" young women who (without question) would simply adore him. It is sad that this ended in death for him and a naive and needy girl who believed that without him, there was no purpose in life. It is sad that, as I speak, older accomplished men in business, politics, clergy, academe, and medicine are doing the exact same thing, in order to fulfill their needs to receive a naive reverence, to feel youthful and important in the reflection of a young woman, or because they feel entitled to spoils because of their celebrity or wealth or power.I warn young girls every day to live a life of integrity and modesty with morals, so they won't be used in such a way. Sometimes, though, a girl is so damaged that shortcuts seem the only way.This time, it resulted in death seeming the only way.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:45ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/375.html2010-05-13T08:06:44Z2010-05-13T08:06:44ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:44ZThe High Cost of ObesityStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-High-Cost-of-Obesity/376.html2010-05-13T08:06:43Z2010-05-13T08:06:43Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>It seems that it's very much in the nature of human nature to expect
more
without having more expected of us. Because so much energy is being focused on the cost of health care and the proposed programs for universal health insurance, the flip side of the equation is starting to get attention.The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention unveiled a free website application last week called LEANWorks, designed to motivate employers to start "healthy living" and weight loss programs for their employees, because being overweight is a major cause of certain illnesses, and also contributes to missed work days and higher insurance costs. Of course, representatives of organizations like the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance are up in arms over this.A keystone to the LEANWorks program is the "obesity cost calculator" for companies to estimate how much their obese and overweight employees are costing them in higher insurance rates and missed work days each year. The ultimate point is to get preventive programs in place.Of course, the "fat advocates" don't want responsibility - just perks. They are claiming everything from prejudice to discrimination. In their view, facts are irrelevant. It's just their "feelings" that count. It's no secret that obesity is a big risk factor for chronic diseases. Obesity has accounted for over 25% of the rise in medical costs between 1987 and 2001, according to Dr. Bill Dietz, Director of the Division of Nutrition, Physical Activity and Obesity at the CDC. While it is also true that people of normal weight have medical issues which result in work day losses and higher insurance costs, most of their conditions are not as controllable as excess body fat.It is the moral responsibility of those who are overweight and obese, of those who smoke, of those who abuse alcohol and various drugs to correct their activities for the greater good of the community which has to take on responsibility for the negative consequences of their behavior, and their lack of self-discipline and commitment to health.If the greater "we" is responsible for taking financial hits in order to cater to the predictable consequences of your actions, then you become accountable to the greater "we," and we cut out the nonsense about discrimination and prejudice against fat. It isn't healthy, plain and simple. And now that you think about it, it isn't
fair
, either.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:43ZMiss Georgia is a PeachStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Miss-Georgia-is-a-Peach/377.html2010-05-13T08:06:42Z2010-05-13T08:06:42Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>One day after winning the title of Miss Georgia, Kristina Higgins relinquished her crown. Was this another sex scandal or about something she said that was politically incorrect? Was this about her perpetuating some fraud, like she was really a man, or that she'd had her whole body Botoxed?No!! It's something that made me want to hug her to pieces. It turns out that Ms. Higgins is a Gwinnett County school teacher, and she stepped down as Miss Georgia because she would not give up her responsibilities to the middle school children in her classes. Yes, you read that correctly.
She gave up her Miss Georgia title for her children!!
When the runner up found out that she would now become Miss Georgia, she dropped her plans for starting the University of Georgia Law School (where she had just been accepted) like a hot potato.I am sooooo proud of Kristina Higgins. She is a wonderful role model of a responsible young woman.If she had no intention of serving as Miss Georgia, you might ask, wasn't it a fraud to participate at all? Nah. First of all, there are a lot of entrants, and any one woman's possibility of winning is small, but the whole exercise is exciting and challenging and fun. Maybe she was debating within her soul what she would do, and when the time came, she had the right stuff to do the right thing. No matter - somebody else gets to wear the tiara.I wish a lot of parents would take a lesson from Kristina - who is putting her kids first. Parents across the country should do the same thing.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:42ZDivorced, But We Get AlongStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Divorced,-But-We-Get-Along/378.html2010-05-13T08:06:41Z2010-05-13T08:06:41ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:41ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/379.html2010-05-13T08:06:40Z2010-05-13T08:06:40ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:40ZThe Good, The Bad, and The UglyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Good,-The-Bad,-and-The-Ugly/380.html2010-05-13T08:06:40Z2010-05-13T08:06:40Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The good, the bad, and the ugly....That was the title of a Clint Eastwood spaghetti western (I loved all of them), but in this case, I'm referring to the Internet, but in the same way that I would refer to guns or electricity. Do you think I've blown a mental fuse? No. Here's my outlook:Right now, the governments of China and Iran are working ceaselessly to block web access to its populace. Why? So information the government "does not want you to know about" won't get in, and the truth of what is going on inside these totalitarian regimes will not get out.Twitter, YouTube, Facebook and their ilk have revealed the atrocities against the people of Iran protesting the sham presidential elections. Beatings and murders have been viewed around the world, as people have had the courage to use cell phones and such to take the governmentally prohibited pictures.This, obviously, is a case of calling the Internet GOOD.On the other hand, we have people in the United States of America (where communication is completely open, some say to an unfettered fault) using the Internet for pornography.This, obviously, is a case of calling the Internet BAD.Internet sites have been used to defame and harass people. Internet sites are being used to "publish" speculation, opinion, and downright meanness as "fact." Internet sites have been used to troll for victims in order to rob, rape, and murder. Internet sites have been used to incite violence, threaten, and frighten.This, obviously, is a case of calling the Internet UGLY.Electricity and guns can be thought of in the same way: you can get electrocuted by dropping a hair dryer in the tub when you're in it, or electricity can be used to run a ventilator and save lives. Guns can be used in robberies and murders, or they can be used by the free to ward off tyranny and other assailants.Objects have no moral value - the way they are
used
is the issue - and that assessment is in the hands of the user. We all have the ability to choose right from wrong. Our choices, though, generally depend greatly on the human atmosphere around us. For example, we are more likely to be able to do atrocious things if we're part of a group. We wouldn't dream of doing them alone. Yet, there are those who can perpetrate evil all on their own.We are more likely to choose good when we are surrounded by people supportive of "good," and judgmental of "bad." However, when the cultural atmosphere dissipates with respect to values and moral judgment, it's easy for an individual to operate out of the moment without regard to circumstances or their soul. It takes a strong person to choose good for its own sake. There is often little reward or regard given to them. There was a time when a child, seeing a dollar fall from an elderly gentleman's pocket, would race to give it back to him. He would then get his picture on the front page of the local paper - rewarding him for character. Now, that same child would probably not even entertain the thought of returning the money. What for? Look around that child - parents cheat, politicians cheat, entertainers and sports stars cheat. What's the motivation?The good, the bad, and the ugly - two out of three are on the wrong side. You choose every day which side to be on. Now, go do the
right
thing.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:40ZThe 13 Folds of the American FlagStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-13-Folds-of-the-American-Flag/381.html2010-05-13T08:06:38Z2010-05-13T08:06:38Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>One of my listeners sent me a story about "Why the American Flag is Folded 13 Times." This is another one of those emails that get passed around via the Internet, so we checked out the accuracy of the story. It turns out that it is NOT true that there was originally a specific meaning to each fold and that's why there are 13 folds. The American flag isn't folded this way because each of the folds has a symbolic meaning; the procedure for folding the flag 13 times was in place long before there was an assigned "meaning" to each fold. These associations have sprung up over the years, and they have come to mean something to those who participate in the flag folding ceremony, but they are not the
reason
why a flag is folded 13 times.Nonetheless, I found the "meanings" that have been attributed to each fold very moving, and I'm posting them here as something to contemplate as we display our flags for the Fourth of July:
The first fold of our flag is a symbol of life.
The second fold is a symbol of our belief in eternal life.
The third fold is made in honor and remembrance of the veterans departing our ranks who gave a portion of their lives for the defense of our country to attain peace throughout the world.
The fourth fold represents our weaker nature; for as American citizens trusting, it is to Him we turn in times of peace as well as in time of war for His divine guidance.
The fifth fold is a tribute to our country, for in the words of Stephen Decatur, 'Our Country, in dealing with other countries may she always be right; but it is still our country, right or wrong.'
The sixth fold is for where our hearts lie. It is with our heart that we pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
The seventh fold is a tribute to our Armed Forces, for it is through the Armed Forces that we protect our country and our flag against all her enemies, whether they be found within or without the boundaries of our republic.
The eighth fold is a tribute to the one who entered into the valley of the shadow of death, that we might see the light of day, and to honor mother, for whom it flies on Mother's Day.
The ninth fold is a tribute to womanhood; for it has been through their faith, their love, loyalty and devotion that the character of the men and women who have made this country great has been molded.
The tenth fold is a tribute to the father, for he, too, has given his sons and daughters for the defense of our country since they were first born.
The eleventh fold, in the eyes of a Hebrew citizen represents the lower portion of the seal of King David and King Solomon, and glorifies in their eyes, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
The twelfth fold, the in the eyes of a Christian citizen, represents an emblem of eternity and glorifies, in their eyes, God the Father, the Son, and Holy Spirit.
The thirteenth fold: when the flag is completely folded, the stars are uppermost reminding us of our nation's motto: 'In God We Trust.' After the flag is completely folded and tucked in, it takes on the appearance of a cocked hat, ever reminding us of the soldiers who served under General George Washington, and the Sailors and Marines who served under Captain John Paul Jones, who were followed by their comrades and shipmates in the Armed Forces of the United States, preserving for us the rights, privileges and freedoms we enjoy today.
The next time you see a flag ceremony honoring someone that has served our country, either in the Armed Forces or in our civilian services such as the police force or Fire Department, keep in mind all the important reasons behind each and every movement. They have paid the ultimate sacrifice for all of us by honoring our flag and our country.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:38ZFreedom RideStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Freedom-Ride/382.html2010-05-13T08:06:37Z2010-05-13T08:06:37ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:37ZWhen Someone Believes in YouStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-Someone-Believes-in-You/383.html2010-05-13T08:06:37Z2010-05-13T08:06:37ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:37ZThe Emptiness of Internet "Friending"Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Emptiness-of-Internet-Friending/384.html2010-05-13T08:06:36Z2010-05-13T08:06:36Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Either directly (e.g., sadness about not having a relationship with a parent or sibling) or indirectly (e.g., having trouble being intimate), more and more callers to my radio program report a sad sort of alienation from close, loving relationships. Yet the numbers of people deeply invested in "virtual" relationships via Internet "friending" social networks like Facebook, MySpace and Twitter, is growing exponentially. We are involved more in frivolous levels of intimacy and less invested in warm, caring, loving, involved relationships.The pseudo meaningfulness we imagine as we add our names and faces to someone's Internet site is addictive, yet ultimately vacuous. There isn't really anyone out there who cares enough to hold your hand when you are in pain. The Annenberg Center for the Digital Future at the University of California reported last week that 28% of Americans interviewed last year said they have been spending less time with family members. That's nearly triple from the numbers in 2006. In the old days when television was young, families watched together in one room. Now there are TVs in every room of the home, with 500 or more channels, and the family is dispersed, with each "doing their own thing." The Internet is a one-on-one, non-family experience also - breaking down the cohesiveness of family dynamics, parenting, sharing, and plain old caring. The problem is that people are, by nature, gregarious. That means we need company. When we spend our time with the technology that minimizes the intimacy of company, we forever alter the ability of individuals to actually experience pure intimacy in a positive, ultimately satisfying manner. And the experience of having lots of so-called "friends" on the Internet is beguiling, but empty -- -in effect, a distorted form of solitude. There is no wonder that so many people have a deep problem with being able to love - they mostly want to be satisfied by flattery, freedom from reciprocal responsibility and the reality of obligations and responsibilities, much less sacrifice for the general good or the benefit of another. Technological advances in "communication" have actually increased the number of people you can interact with, but have more importantly diluted out the meaningfulness of those same interactions.Think of families together at dinner, and a whole town helping rebuild your barn. Compare that to what you have now in your life. Which is better for quality of life?Staff2010-05-13T08:06:36ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/385.html2010-05-13T08:06:35Z2010-05-13T08:06:35ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:35ZAir Force Jets Honor Slain OfficerStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Air-Force-Jets-Honor-Slain-Officer/386.html2010-05-13T08:06:34Z2010-05-13T08:06:34Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>This story is actually four years old, but many people seem to have discovered it only recently, so I did a little investigating, and thought it was worth sharing with you. Because this has made its way around the Internet, like the game of "Telephone," new things have been added and some things have changed as it's been forwarded. My staff went back to the original story to verify the facts, and that's the one I'm posting here. Luke Air Force Base is a little west of Phoenix, and it's surrounded by residential developments. People have complained about the noise from the base and its planes. One day in June, 2005, an individual who lives somewhere near the base wrote the local paper complaining about the group of F-16s that disturbed his day. Here's his Letter to the Editor of
The Arizona Republic
newspaper:
"Question of the day for Luke Air Force Base: Whom do we thank for the morning air show?
Last Wednesday, at precisely 9:11AM, a tight formation of four F-16 jets made a low pass over Arrowhead Mall, continuing west over Bell Road at approximately 500 feet. Imagine our good fortune!
Do the Tom Cruise-wannabes feel we need this wake-up call, or were they trying to impress the cashiers at Mervyns' early-bird special?
Any response would be appreciated.
Tom MacRae"
Mr. MacRae received a response from a commander at Luke Air Force Base which was published in the newspaper the following day, but it's the response from Lt. Col. Scott Pleus, commander of the 63rd Fighter Squadron at Luke Air Force Base that caught the attention of everyone. This letter was also published in
The Arizona Republic
, four days after Mr. MacRae's initial complaint:
"Regarding "A wake-up call from Luke's jets":
On June 15, at precisely 9:12 a.m., a perfectly timed four-ship of F-16s from the 63rd Fighter Squadron at Luke Air Force Base flew over the grave of Capt. Jeremy Fresques.
Capt. Fresques was an Air Force officer who was previously stationed at Luke Air Force Base and was killed in Iraq on May 30, Memorial Day.
At 9 a.m., on June 15, his family and friends gathered at Sunland Memorial Park in Sun City to mourn the loss of a husband, son and friend.
Based on the letter writer's recount of the flyby, and because of the jet noise, I'm sure you didn't hear the 21-gun salute, the playing of taps, or my words to the widow and parents of Capt. Fresques as I gave them their son's flag on behalf of the president of the United States and all those veterans and servicemen and women who understand the sacrifices they have endured.
A four-ship flyby is a display of respect the Air Force pays to those who gave their lives in defense of freedom. We are professional aviators and take our jobs seriously, and on June 15 what the letter writer witnessed was four officers lining up to pay their ultimate respects.
The letter writer asks, 'Whom do we thank for the morning air show?'
The 56th Fighter Wing will call for you, and forward your thanks to the widow and parents of Capt. Fresques, and thank them for you, for it was in their honor that my pilots flew the most honorable formation of their lives.
Lt. Col. Scott PleusLuke Air Force Base"
The postscript to all of this is that Mr. MacRae, to his credit, wrote an apology that was published in
The Arizona Republic
on July 9:
"Regarding 'Flyby honoring fallen comrade'
I read with increasing embarrassment and humility the response to my unfortunate letter to The Republic concerning an Air Force flyby.
I had no idea of the significance of the flyby, and would never have insulted such a fine and respectful display had I known.
I have received many calls from the fine airmen who are serving or have served at Luke, and I have attempted to explain my side and apologized for any discomfort my letter has caused.
This was simply an uninformed citizen complaining about noise.
I have been made aware in both written and verbal communications of the four-ship flyby, and my heart goes out to each and every lost serviceman and woman in this war in which we are engaged.
I have been called un-American by an unknown caller and I feel that I must address that. I served in the U.S. Navy and am a Vietnam veteran. I love my country and respect the jobs that the service organizations are doing.
Please accept my heartfelt apologies.
Tom MacRae"Staff2010-05-13T08:06:34ZWhat's the Definition of Love?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Whats-the-Definition-of-Love/387.html2010-05-13T08:06:32Z2010-05-13T08:06:32ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:32ZNot Everything Can Be FixedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Not-Everything-Can-Be-Fixed/388.html2010-05-13T08:06:32Z2010-05-13T08:06:32Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>It's funny what stays in your mind - one shot of light in the darkness of memory. One of the more important "shot of light" memories is from my days in the Marriage/Family/Child Therapy program at the University of Southern California. I was being supervised during my training and displaying lots of frustration over one particular client. I couldn't figure out how to fix, or help the client fix, the problem for which the client came in to get help.My supervisor, a well-known and talented therapist said five words which reverberated in my head - the head of a "Type A," over-achiever mentality person that I was (or am). He said,
"Not everything can be fixed."
I was shocked and horrified. To even think that there were limits to what any human being could do, to think that there were no remedies for certain circumstances, to think that I couldn't "lay on hands" and make all better every person I tried to help - well, all of this was unthinkable.As I matured, however, I realized he was right.I had several calls in the past week that demonstrated that truth -- that not everything can be fixed --
so it shouldn't be broken in the first place!!
It's why I do what I do on radio versus having a private practice. You all get to hear what decisions, choices, behaviors, and actions put you in a (probably) unfixable place.There was the 21 year old woman who came on the program giggling about how she had listened to me since she was 2 years old. Now, with two children out-of-wedlock with a guy who won't marry her because she hasn't taken down her Facebook profile after she promised she would, she wanted to know how to fix the relationship and get married.Since he didn't marry her
before
the children, since he didn't marry her
after
the first child, since he didn't marry her after the
second
child, he probably isn't going to marry her after the Facebook argument gave his dumping her some legitimacy. I guess 19 years of listening to the program didn't do it for her.The second female caller was about the same age, again with two out-of-wedlock children, living at her boyfriend's parents' home. She was shacking up with him, and wanted to know how to get him to move out so they could be on their own, after he said he didn't ever want to move out of his mother's home!The moral of these stories is that when you insist on making impulsive decisions and act only out of the moment, then you will, at some point, dig a hole that you won't be able to get out of. By the way, I told the first woman to move in with her parents, so the children can have a father (in the form of Grandpa), and she was not to date until they were grown. I told the second woman to give up her dreams and faulty plan, keep her mouth shut, and just live there, giving the impression of being happy, so the kids don't have to grow up with a negative mother until the kids are grown.Of course, women are not the only ones who need to hear this message. A lot of men marry "damsels in distress," only to be stuck with...
distressed damsels!!
They hope to save them and fix them, but....some things can't be fixed. I tell them to stay with a smile until the kids are grown.I don't accept any of the "...but what about
my
happiness?" rationalizations. The answer is that children matter more than you, and you need to sacrifice and behave properly so that they have a better chance of making better choices in their lives.Some things can't be fixed, so don't do them in the first place. Consider my radio program a huge emotional and behavioral prophylactic, and take the lessons learned from the pain of others and make the right - even if uncomfortable - choices.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:32ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/389.html2010-05-13T08:06:30Z2010-05-13T08:06:30ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:30ZThe Search for Motivation Is a Hopeless QuestStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Search-for-Motivation-Is-a-Hopeless-Quest/390.html2010-05-13T08:06:30Z2010-05-13T08:06:30Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>For me, an "issue" is a subject that comes up with some frequency on my radio program. And lately, many callers (dealing with a range of concerns from being overweight to being affectionate to finishing school to exercise and more) have phoned wondering where to find "perpetual" motivation. I know there are audio tape courses, blogs, and books galore on attaining and maintaining motivation, but I believe that is a hopeless quest. Why? Because human beings have moods and circumstances that interfere. It is impossible to
feel
motivated all the time about anything - even things you actually love to do.There are days you wake up tired; there are days you are distracted by work, plumbing, relatives; there are days during which minor or significant disasters occur (like the backing up of a toilet); there are those days during which you become reasonably upset by someone or something. You get the picture. Life happens and it impacts your moods and feelings. Unfortunately, our culture has become enamored of "feelings" over responsibility, discipline, obligations, and common good sense. We have come to revere feelings as the grand dictator of reality: if you "feel" it, it makes it so. If you "feel" your mother-in-law harbors negative thoughts, then you can retaliate, for example.This is why I stop people dead in their tracks so often with "I didn't ask you about your "feelings." I asked you about what actually occurred." We can talk about how you interpret what happened; we can talk about your ancient feelings and how they impact how you respond to today's reality, but first,
what actually happened??
Feelings are not rational - they have no IQ, and they are self-oriented, as they serve only the self without taking even the "feelings" of other people into account. Feelings are primitive, and using them as the pivotal point for your reactions to the world is quite childlike. It takes the maturity of evolving adulthood to temper feelings with the necessity of examining the world and others in it while being less emotional -- sometimes, even bordering on dispassionate as you use your rational mind to assess the situation more concretely.So, back to
motivation
. One doesn't have to
feel
like "it" to "do it." Having some hang-ups about being affectionate with your spouse because of unpleasant childhood experiences is totally self-centered and ultimately irrational since, unless you married that parent (literally or figuratively), your current spouse is being punished for the misdeeds of the prior generation. And you are continuing the pain of your childhood all the way into your grave. What is the answer? It actually is quite simple: do what is right, do what is healthy, do what is loving, do what is smart, and do what is compassionate. That means show affection, even though you aren't motivated. Exercise every day, even though you don't feel like it. Clean your house, even though you don't feel like it. Do someone a difficult favor, even though you don't feel like it.To operate by feelings instead of compassion, discipline and responsibility is to abdicate being an adult. It also makes you a
slave
to irrational, often self-defeating emotions, instead of the
master
of your destiny. You are more human when you operate from nobility. You are more adult when you operate from discipline.So, dump the idea of "motivation," and replace it with discipline and nobility, and
then
see how you feel!Staff2010-05-13T08:06:30ZStanding Up for People, Values and IdealsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Standing-Up-for-People,-Values-and-Ideals/391.html2010-05-13T08:06:28Z2010-05-13T08:06:28Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>An all-too-typical issue that comes up on my radio program is cowardice, because someone didn't stand up for others, for values and/or for ideals. The standard excuses range from not wanting to escalate a situation, being afraid of other people getting mad, fear of being marginalized or left out, being afraid of being "judged," not "liking" confrontation, not wanting to lose the image as a nice person, and so on.I disrespect the actions of not standing up for friends, fairness (even when a friend is not involved), and values. Some of my callers are parents whose adult children are behaving recklessly, thoughtlessly, and in total opposition to how they were brought up. Too many of these parents are more concerned with "peace at all costs" instead of continuing their parental leadership by clarifying their position and drawing the line.I remember a long time ago, there was a talk show host coming on right after my program. We were polar opposites in our political views, and she would use her three hours on the air to critique
my
program. This, of course, annoyed the heck out of me, but I never spoke about it on the air - not even once - because I don't use my air time to do anything but help people do and be better in their lives.Fast forward several years later, and a feminist group went after her with venomous attacks, attempting to destroy her career. Mind you, she was a feminist activist leader herself, but she dared to have her own opinion about something that went against the grain of the activist group's position. It turns out that I was the first person who called her the next morning - with a call of support. It galled me that there was a concerted effort to
unfairly
destroy her career. I just don't like life's unfair qualities, and I have generally stood up to them no matter what.Fast forward again years later, and I was being unfairly attacked by a different activist group that she had once been part of. She went into numerous public venues to defend and support me. We both took hits for doing these things, but we both turned out to like each other very much, and we both still maintained the bulk of our differing opinions. We did, however, agree on one point of ethics, morals, and values: you defend who or what is being attacked unfairly, and consequently, we both defended responsible free speech.We both lost to the power of the activist groups, however, but we won each other's respect and support, all while keeping the high ground. We each went on growing in success and the respect of our peers as well. That's one very personal experience for me. I hope the next time you see rudeness or cruelty, you will stand up.Racial comments coming from Don Imus are as ugly and unnecessary (except for ratings) as the joke about Sarah Palin's daughter getting "knocked up" by a baseball player. It isn't the term "knocked up" that's the issue - I use it all the time for out-of-wedlock pregnancies, because they usually end up with the child being aborted or growing up with the chaos of a life with one parent gone. David Letterman wanted to shoot insults at Palin simply because she's Republican, and he aimed his gun at her child. That's disgusting. How many of you would stand for that happening to your child? Imus lost his job...temporarily...and Letterman's ratings are higher. And I'm left wondering if
you'll
stand up for others (or values, morals, ethics and principles) when most others around you will turn their gaze away.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:28ZCalorie Police or Helpful Nutrition Information?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Calorie-Police-or-Helpful-Nutrition-Information/392.html2010-05-13T08:06:27Z2010-05-13T08:06:27Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Beware "The Calorie Police!" At least, that's how some look at the newly proposed Federal legislation which would require chain restaurants with 20 or more establishments to post the calories of everything they serve, right on the menu. The National Restaurant Association, which originally fought calorie posting, now says it supports it.Dr. Lynn Silver, Assistant Commissioner, Bureau of Chronic Disease Prevention & Control at New York City's Department of Health and Mental Hygiene says
"We hope this law will have a significant impact on both the frequency of obesity and diabetes in our city [which already has the law, by the way]. We estimate that in our city there will be 150,000 fewer people obese because of this."
Well, I don't know if that's true, since every time I go out to eat, I see relatively fit people eating fish and vegetables and fat people eating lasagna with extra cheese.I've only encountered the calorie menu one time so far, and it was in New York. There were dishes I
thought
were healthy, but I was totally wrong about them. I definitely ordered my meals completely based on calorie content, leaving out foods I knew were yummy but which were calorie-laden. Nonetheless, I was shocked to see how many relatively innocent-looking dishes had enough calories for the entire day and the next morning too.I know people who have worked in a number of restaurants, and they tell me that to make food "delicious," extra sugar, fat and salt are added by the bucketful. Butter, butter, and more butter; sugar to make the food sweeter, and salt to give more flavor. This is especially true when the meat, poultry or fish is not of the highest quality or if it's a bit old.I've gotten to the point that no matter what I order (even fish), I ask for whatever sauce they are serving to be put on the side. I never have salad with dressing - again, I order any dressing on the side. If I use any sauce or dressing at all, it's a micro drizzle for a little taste. Do I think this will diminish obesity? No. I do think, however, that it will help people with self discipline as well as the motivation to be healthy to make the right choices and not be undermined right under their noses. I think that, generally, folks with limited motivation and self-discipline will ignore or rationalize the calorie facts and add unwanted pressure to our health system, where the health-conscious have to financially support the health-
un
conscious
behavior of others. I do believe that the calorie count posting laws might serve to have restaurants cut fewer corners when it comes to the quality of their cooking and their menu planning. And that I am looking forward to!Staff2010-05-13T08:06:27ZA Tribute To A Special DadStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-Tribute-To-A-Special-Dad/393.html2010-05-13T08:06:26Z2010-05-13T08:06:26ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:26ZExpelled for Wearing JeansStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Expelled-for-Wearing-Jeans/394.html2010-05-13T08:06:25Z2010-05-13T08:06:25Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The most important part of having "rights" is taking "responsibility" for those rights. This is a concept many activist groups don't "get," as evidenced by their angry utterances and actions. For these people (feminists, for example), their actions are irrelevant - they believe they should be able to say and do whatever they please. It's the
other
people who have to toe the line.Here's an example: colleges in the Indian state of Uttar Pradesh said that female students would be banned from wearing jeans and other "western" clothes in order to halt sexual harassment by male classmates.
"Girls who choose to wear jeans will be expelled from the college,"
Meeta Jamal, principal of the Dayanand girls' college in Kanpur city told Agence France-Presse (AFP).
"This will be the only way to stop crime against women."
Okay - so, jeans, shorts, tight blouses and mini-skirts on campus are being banned in a growing number of their colleges in an attempt to crack down on "EVE-teasing" (as sexual harassment is known in India). But, of course, these "oh so mature" and wise girls between the ages of 17 and 20 say that these rules punish innocent females rather than tackling the men who talk "smack" to them..Let's look at this in a very pragmatic way. Two girls are walking down the street, passing a group of young men. Each girl is on the opposite side of the street. One girl has on a tight-cropped top and low-cut jeans. The girl on the other side of the street is wearing a pretty, but modest, dress. Which side of the street are the guys going to pay attention to? Which girl are they going to approach? Which girl are they going to "tease" to see if they can "hook up?" The answer is easy.Which girl is showing off her "wares?" Which girl is acting in a provocative manner? Which girl is using clothing and body language to possibly advertise her, ahem, "social" availability? Which girl looks as though sex is on her mind? The answer is easy.It is completely unreasonable for a provocatively-dressed woman to get any when guys hoot and whistle. If clothing is just another form of "self-expression," well, we all know what sexy clothes are expressing. Modest clothes are expressing nothing close to a "come-hither" attitude.A female at work has her boobs popping out of her top and a fellow worker says "nice boobs." He's considered "bad," but she isn't? Isn't foisting your sexuality on someone else harassment? Women can provoke men, but men can't react? That is the silly thinking of most feminists.Young men in a classroom can't pay attention to the blackboard and the teacher's words when he has in front of him the sight of a girl's lower back and upper butt, because she's wearing very low cut jeans. Young men on a campus can't even remember which building to go into when a young woman walks by with her soft belly jutting out beneath her short top over her low-cut jeans.This is where responsibility comes in. If you don't want that kind of attention,
don't invite it!
When I read the many of the comments posted in response to this story on
Breitbart.com
, I was not surprised at the naive and utterly stupid remarks about women having their rights to dress and behave any way they want (i.e., no responsibility), and men should control their verbal and emotional reactions (i.e., responsibility all on the men).And then I got to this comment...a nugget of gold in the compost heap:
When I entered high school, it was the first year when girls were allowed to wear pants. Since then, of course, clothing standards have dropped to the point where girls are wearing next to nothing on top of low-cut, tight jeans, or short-shorts. In high school, I would have screamed my head off that it was unfair to tell us what to wear. Now that we've had 30 years of half-dressed high fashion, and I've become older and wiser, I understand why modesty makes sense. Our schools, especially here in California, are a complete disaster. There are many reasons for it, but requiring that girls dress modestly and that boys dress respectfully is a good start. Considering that hormones are bubbling like volcanoes, particularly in teenage boys, simple steps like this would make a difference. I remember the days when people dressed up nicely just to go to the movies! I'm not advocating this, but I would even be for school kids wearing uniforms. It puts them in a different frame of mind. Trying to get kids to sit still, pay attention and get an education is not only difficult, but as we see from our dismal failure in the last 20 to 30 years, is imperative for the future of this country. Looking back, it does amaze me how much my opinion has changed. It is said that the devil is in the details, and I must concur. The small things that I thought didn't matter at all turn out to be very important, not only in and of themselves, but they are the blocks on which other decisions/behavior are built. It's really hard to see this when you're 15 or even 25, but as have accumulated experience in life, it has become very clear.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:25ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/395.html2010-05-13T08:06:24Z2010-05-13T08:06:24ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:24ZKnowing Your Baby's Gender...Too EarlyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Knowing-Your-Babys-Gender...Too-Early/396.html2010-05-13T08:06:23Z2010-05-13T08:06:23ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:23ZReadin', 'Riting, and ....Bribing?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Readin,-Riting,-and-....Bribing/397.html2010-05-13T08:06:23Z2010-05-13T08:06:23Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>As I was walking through my kitchen to my office, my husband was having his morning cereal, watching Fox News. They were in the midst of a perky promo for “what’s coming up next,” concerning a school district that was using financial rewards to motivate students to get good grades. I kept walking... and only heard one bit more about the subject: “It’s working.”That promo stuck in my mind because of those last words: “It’s working.” If tantalizing children with money, money, money actually makes them get good grades, because they pay more attention in class, put more effort into their homework, are more invested in studying for exams and working on reports and projects, well, that means that a lot of kids aren’t living up to their potential.Why would MONEY make the difference, and not the appreciation of their parents, the respect of their peers, the approval from their teachers, or the mere burst of pride in doing well? The answer is simple: kids these days are not raised to care about appreciation, respect, approval and pride...period! They are brought up to care about celebrity, extravagance, notoriety, freakish attention (think reality shows), infamy as a positive experience, and extreme non-conformity to traditional values.What happens to these kids when the money isn’t there, but there is still the expectation of profound effort and commitment? Certainly teachers, police, firefighters, those in the military, and small shop owners (to name just a few) aren’t putting out their best efforts for the financial reward. A police officer who “collars” a serious bad guy gets a lot of thumps on the back, a night of some beers with fellow colleagues, and a notch toward an eventual promotion in rank. Mostly, he has pride in doing his job well. These children are not being moved in that direction at all by this “money reward for grades” idea (except, maybe, for the beer).Schools have been eliminating accolades such as high honors at graduation (e.g., valedictorian) so as not to hurt the self-esteem of those who won’t or can’t rise to that occasion. Yet, they want to give money, money, money to those who do. What is THAT message? No one’s feelings are going to be hurt because they didn’t get the money, money, money. Ugh.I think we should go back to showing respect for the children who
do
perform well: for example, point systems that offer monthly “perks” like not having to take a few quizzes because their grades are above a B+, or earning a class trip to the zoo, aquarium, or museum or something else that acknowledges their efforts without minimizing the meaning by throwing coins at them.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:23ZAnd The Stinky Award Goes To...Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/And-The-Stinky-Award-Goes-To.../398.html2010-05-13T08:06:22Z2010-05-13T08:06:22ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:22ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/399.html2010-05-13T08:06:20Z2010-05-13T08:06:20ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:20ZWhy We Need Role ModelsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-We-Need-Role-Models/400.html2010-05-13T08:06:20Z2010-05-13T08:06:20Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Why the heck do we need role models? Can't everyone just think for him or herself and make decisions about right and wrong and choices of action without somebody on a philosophical runway modeling what they could or should be?Possibly...but role models alert us to POSSIBILITIES, in addition to serving as INSPIRATION.Angry rappers role model distrust, rage, anti-social notions and actions: killing, raping, hating.Stupid "stars" role model self-indulgence and excess, self-importance: self self selfSuccessful people who "pulled themselves up by their own bootstraps" role model perseverance, giving up a "victim mentality," optimism and plain hard work.Heroic types (military, police, firemen, and caring bystanders) who put themselves on the line of life and death role model taking care of others. and so it goes.These days, however, good role models are few and far between. Pastor Bill Shuler, of Capital Life Church in Arlington Virginia, pointed the way in his recent essay: 10 Reasons Why we Are Losing Good Role Models.What follows is my paraphrasing of his list:1.
Honorable people are attacked for taking a stand for morality and values
The favorite attack here usually takes the form of being called either a "hater" or a "hypocrite." If a person disagrees with you, you can say that they simply hate you or your stand, or that they once (usually decades ago) behaved contrary to their own words so therefore, they have no moral ground on which to defend their position. I don't have to explain how ugly, stupid, and dangerous those approaches are to the well being of a civilized society. 2.
High profile scandals in sports politics and religion have caused us to become jaded.
Yup - it's hard to believe that a moral high ground even exists if the people you looked up to don't respect what they have and the responsibility it gives them.3.
Fewer dads are present in the home.
Soon, most children won't come from intact homes where they see a dad providing and protecting and teaching them how to be decent men and women. 4.
Success has been defined as fame, fortune, and power.
We used to have the word "infamous" to describe people well known for skuzzy behaviors...now it's all just "famous." "Octo-mom" Nadya Suleman now has a television show because she's famous for showing incredible insensitivity and irresponsibility in having 16 children with no dad or intact married family. If someone is rich (no matter how they got there), they have admirers. 5.
Image often supersedes character.
Bad boys and bad girls reign supreme in our media-drenched culture. The more stupid and horrid their behavior, the more important they are to the media. 6.
Indulgence replaces sacrifice.
Just think daycare.7.
The practice of self-discipline is losing ground.
If you "feel it" you have license to "do it" is today's mantra. Consideration of consequences to others, as well as one's own future, became secondary. 8.
Seeking of "self," on the other hand, is an over-practiced art."
If I hear one more person excuse stupid, cruel, or self-indulgent behavior on the basis of "low self-esteem" or "I guess I have to learn to love MYSELF," I think I'll scream. 9.
Family values have become a political issue rather than an ideal to be embraced.
The responsibility and obligation to spouse and children outweighs feelings and urges, which are temporary and often foolhardy.10.
Good people with deep convictions remain silent when they should speak up.
I have said it quite differently: way too often, good people are "wusses;" they are afraid to stand up (not without good reason...see #1), because they want to be liked. I have gotten myself into all sorts of trouble by "standing up," so I know what it takes.
"Being beautiful, uninhibited or rich has become a cheap substitute for courage, decency and selflessness,"
writes the Pastor. And he is so very correct. That's why I often ask people to project themselves 20 years into the future, and then look back on themselves at this very moment. I ask them to tell me what they would need to do in order to be proud of themselves. It's funny how they always know what's right when looked at from that perspective.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:20ZJon & Kate Plus 8Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Jon--Kate-Plus-8/401.html2010-05-13T08:06:18Z2010-05-13T08:06:18Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I can't believe how many emails I got from those of you who watch that program,
Jon & Kate Plus 8
. It's a reality TV show, and they're breaking up because he had an affair? Because she seems to be really mean to him, people have written suggesting I get involved. NO WAY. When I was young, there was a show on PBS,
An American Family
, that was the same sort of thing. Cameras were there 24 hours a day, and the family fell apart. Strangers were there, the family was performing for television, and there were stresses and strains with the celebrity part of it - there shouldn't even be a celebrity part. I just think these things are disgusting displays.Then there was the Jim Carrey movie,
The Truman Show
, which was about his life being a television show, and he not knowing it. I remember at the time that people said, "Isn't this a disgusting thing to do to a person?" Well, now, people
volunteer
for it! So, I have no respect for these parents. I have no respect for any of the people who do this "reality" stuff. My heart goes out to the kids. Is it humane to children to let their parents exploit them in a television program when their images and intimacies are exposed to everyone for all time when they have no say or control? Is it in the children's best interests to be USED as entertainment by two parents so self-absorbed that they put money and celebrity in front of their children's privacy? It's like putting your children in a circus freak show strip and having a barker yelling:
"Come in, come in and see what happens to children when their parents use them for your entertainment... It's exciting, it's damaging, but you won't be able to take your eyes off 'em. Watch 'em wiggle. Watch 'em cry. Watch 'em squirm. It's so much fun...bring popcorn and beer and come watch the show."
To me, there should be a law that you can't use kids on TV like this. It's one thing when they're acting, but it's another thing when they're being exploited. I'm surprised that nobody stepped in and said
"This is the exploitation of minor children,"
although late last week the Pennsylvania Department of Labor said it was looking into whether the show is complying with the state's child labor law. But I'm not going to get involved. There are other show-biz types who have a habit of doing that. I'm not one of them.Here's one of the letters that came into me, and seemed to have the most in-depth information:
I was once a fan of Jon & Kate Plus 8. I loved watching these children, and seeing them grow.
[note: I think it's exploitation].
Only the longer I watched the show, the more disturbed I became with Kate's treatment of her husband. I'd turn off the TV feeling deflated rather than uplifted.
Episode after episode, she'd berate and belittle him: about his weight, his intelligence, and his parenting. He'd take responsibility for his mistakes, while she'd excuse hers. I remember one specific episode where he'd taken the day off to help her at home. Having noticed one of the kids acting up, he put them in a "timeout." She went over and said "Daddy's being mean," and let them go back and play. It broke my heart to see his authority continuously undermined in front of his own children.
Recently, at the end of their last season, Jon mentioned he wasn't up for another season, explaining how he hates how he can't go out in public and 'just be Jon.' Instead, he's 'Jon & Kate Plus 8.' Translation: he's the guy on TV who is whipped by his self-centered wife.
Weeks later, all of the scandal broke. Kate, in a People Magazine interview, said that Jon felt cancelling the show would make him happy, but she didn't think anything would, so she would do what she felt was right for her family. What is right for her family is not a television show, but two parents who love each other.
He wanted to cancel the show so the world would no longer see his dirty laundry, his controlling wife, and constant failures. It may not make him happy, but it would make his life bearable. What would make him happy is having a wife who cares for him. I just wish that someone would reach out to that woman and give her a hard shake, before she damages the lives of 8 little ones, and her husband. It seems silly to be caught up in the lives of ten reality show strangers, but I've learned a little something from it. I gained a better understanding of the Dr. Laura saying: "Do you want this woman/man to be the mother/father of your 87 children?'
Thanks for being a version of reality that I can rely on.
I like that last sentence. What do we call "entertainment?" The shows where they have people competing to cook, make clothes, and all that other stuff are such mean shows. Hostility? Competitive venom? I can't understand why we call this "entertainment." The population that enjoys sitting there with popcorn and a beer, watching people be mean, be diminished, and be demoralized is scaring me.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:18ZEmpowering Men on CampusStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Empowering-Men-on-Campus/402.html2010-05-13T08:06:17Z2010-05-13T08:06:17Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A news headline from last week that said "Power Move By Male Students Ruffles University of Chicago" caught my eye. It seems a group of University of Chicago students think it's time the campus focused more on its men. The
Chicago Tribune
reports:
"A third year student from Lake Bluff has formed Men In Power, a student organization that promises to help men get ahead professionally. But the group's emergence has been controversial, with some critics charging that its premise is misogynistic."
That is purely laughable.Recent job losses hit men harder - women earn far more bachelor's and Master's degrees than men. There is a huge imbalance in government and private initiatives that advance the interest of women and girls (often to the direct detriment of men), like Title IX, which eliminates men's school sports when there aren't enough women interested in having a women's team of the same sport.The University of Chicago has nine women's advocacy groups on campus. This group would be the first male advocacy group - and it welcomes women! Get a feminist group to do the same - HA! The group would host pre-professional groups in law, medicine and business, foster ties with alumni, bring speakers in to discuss masculinity, and mentor local middle school students as part of its "Little Men in Power" initiative.I read most of the 1,440 or so comments that followed this article in the
Chicago Tribune
, and saw exactly what I expected: paranoid, hate-filled rhetoric, demeaning and dismissing men and masculinity, with no compassion whatsoever for what men have to confront in contemporary society (which is "angry minority orientation against the male - especially the white male."). It should be noted here that this organization is pulling in men regardless of ethnicity, religion, or sexual persuasion. It is just about men. It's not about forming small, angry little groups that demand entitlement. This is a group helping men succeed and regain a respect for their masculinity - something current culture and feminism has worked double time to destroy.You go, guys!Staff2010-05-13T08:06:17ZRaising Teenage Boys Into Responsible MenStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Raising-Teenage-Boys-Into-Responsible-Men/403.html2010-05-13T08:06:16Z2010-05-13T08:06:16ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:16ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/404.html2010-05-13T08:06:15Z2010-05-13T08:06:15ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:15ZDo Animals Have a Sense of Morality?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Do-Animals-Have-a-Sense-of-Morality/405.html2010-05-13T08:06:15Z2010-05-13T08:06:15Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Newsflash from the University of Colorado, Boulder:
scientist believes that animals can have a sense of morality that shows them the difference between right and wrong.
Professor emeritus Marc Bekoff explains in his new book that morals are "hardwired" in a mammal's brain and has gathered - he says - evidence showing how various species appear to have a sense of fairness, will help other animals in need, and can even show empathy.First of all, the very word "hardwired" indicates a lack of choice. There is no knowing or choosing between right and wrong without a clear conception of the notion of consideration of options. Animals other than humans are, indeed, "hardwired" - that is, they act by instinct. Secondly, using anthropomorphic terminology is misleading. I remember being on a morning television show eons ago, when some feminist was pointing out that rape was ubiquitous, and then showing a clip of alligators mating. Trust me...that wasn't a pretty or comfortable sight...but it wasn't rape. Alligator males have to overcome resistance so that the best sperm wins. That's the female alligator's world of making a choice with whom to hook up - as violent as it appears to humans.A hungry lion coming into a room with ten frightened human beings is not going to starve to death because it isn't "nice" to kill innocent humans. He's going to eat the first guy or gal he clamps his jaws on. That's not an immoral act. Morality requires a choice. The lion is "hardwired" to eat meat. That's it.Here's an example from Dr. Bekoff's book that I believe is way off base:
"Vampire bats need to drink blood every night, but it is common for some not to find any food. Those who are successful in foraging for blood will share their meal with bats who have shared with them."
He considers this a reciprocity which indicates the acting out of moral precepts. I think that conclusion is just silly. Bats are gregarious and need to be in "packs" for safety and comfort. Therefore, they are wired to keep each other alive. You'll see competition when they're mating.Ants will pile up over waterways to allow other ants to pass. This is not self-sacrifice after kissing your family goodbye - this is instinct built into the tiny brain of an ant, over which he has no control.And that's the point. Morality is an issue of making a choice between personal gain and the welfare of another which may even take away from the self. Risking one's life to pull a child out of a river in which you might very well die is not an instinct. Most people would never set a toe in the water. That's their choice. However, some souls will put their lives on the line, because their compassion overwhelms their sense of personal survival.That's what makes
some
human beings magnificent. The stories of people standing by and not helping others in other in need are legion, and include individuals, groups, and even whole countries. This sort of analysis about animals is
emotional
, not scientific, in my opinion. And it seems important fodder for PETA-types to argue their points.The good and bad point of the human brain is obvious: we can figure out how to walk on the moon and discover penicillin. We can also think of ways to fly airplanes into buildings to kill as many innocent people as possible for the sake of our "god." CHOICE is wonderful in concept, but either beautiful OR deadly in actuality.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:15ZKnowing is Better Than Not Knowing, or Why I "Push" Some Callers to DiscomfortStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Knowing-is-Better-Than-Not-Knowing,-or-Why-I-Push-Some-Callers-to-Discomfort/406.html2010-05-13T08:06:13Z2010-05-13T08:06:13Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Researchers at the University of British Columbia studied people who had undergone genetic testing to determine their risk for developing the neurodegenerative terminal disorder known as Huntington's disease. Did you know (and can you believe) that those subjects who learned that they had a very high likelihood of developing this horrendous and ultimately fatal disease were "happier a year after testing than those who did not learn what their risk was."Many of you probably think that
not
knowing would result in more happiness, but you'd be wrong. According to Dr. Daniel Gilbert of Harvard University,
"...when we get bad news, we weep for a while, and then get busy making the best of it. We change our behavior; we change our attitudes. We raise our consciousness and lower our standards. We find our bootstraps and tug. But we can't come to terms with circumstances whose terms we don't yet know."
Even those of you who listen to my program regularly may be shocked when I tell somebody their mother or father or spouse or even their child is a bum. You may wince when I have them scream out how righteously angry they are at parents who didn't protect them. You may also sometimes recoil from your radio when you hear me push and push and push a caller until they reveal their innermost horrible truth. Perhaps you've seen me as cruel...or hawking for ratings stemming from the drama.The fact is, that as a professional psychotherapist I have long realized the value of dealing with the truth - as ugly as it might be. I've seen and heard people fighting to keep ugly truths submerged as though it protected them. In fact, the energy that goes into burying reality is huge, and not available for healthy living.Not everyone who calls is willing or ready for this evolutionary leap in their lives. Sometimes, they have to think about it more and come back later. That's fine. The seed is planted. I don't see my job as making every caller feel happy at the end of our brief conversation. I see my job as one of freeing them from their own personal jail of denial and avoidance, all of which lead to depression, anxiety, and poor (
very
poor) choices in life.Knowing is always better than not knowing. Several recent callers have demanded that I give them some magic to get their loved one to stop smoking or stop being obese. I tell them to give up that ongoing, unpleasant battle, and simply enjoy the time they do have with that person. Accepting what is out of your control opens you up to more happiness, because you are left with dealing with "what is," instead of fighting to have it be something else. You can wrap your arms and joys around what
is
. You can't do the same thing with what you
wish
was the truth.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:13ZThe Aftermath of A Shark AttackStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Aftermath-of-A-Shark-Attack/407.html2010-05-13T08:06:12Z2010-05-13T08:06:12Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I have often told callers struggling with their fears (real or imagined or exaggerated) that next to character, I admire guts. Actually, having the fortitude to face the things we're afraid of
is
a measure of character.A few weeks ago, I was out for only the third time on my new paddleboard. I was balancing well, in spite of passing motorboats leaving scary wakes in my path. I was in choppy waters, which was not that smart at my level of experience, and feeling great about what I was doing, when-BAM-I hit the board full flat and hard on my left side and slid underwater. I was stunned, cold, and worried about becoming a shark snack. I swam quickly back to the board, pulled myself up, and lay there shaking with cold, shock, and fear. I pulled my knees under me, then got my feet down as I poised in a crouched position, and then stood straight up and paddled nervously for another fifteen minutes. The point of these actions was that I knew that if I just swam ashore, I might never get on the board again. My left ribs hurt tremendously, and I'm still healing. But for me, the main point was getting back up then and there, and scowling directly into the face of fear.This is a small step for a girl like me. A much
bigger
step for a little girl is the story of Bethany Hamilton. She nearly lost her life in a vicious shark attack while surfing off the coast of Hawaii almost six years ago. The shark attack happened while she was lying on her board with her arm dangling comfortably in the water. The shark ripped her left arm off just below the shoulder, and she almost died from blood loss - the shark left a sixteen inch "bite" on her surfboard. Grisly, to say the least. By the way, they caught the shark. It was a 14-foot-long tiger shark, which weighed 1400 pounds.What was Ms. Hamilton doing just a month after that shark took her left arm? Re-training herself to surf competitively with only one arm. Her positive attitude won her a 2004 EXPY award from ESPN for "Best Comeback Athlete of the Year." She's now ranked among the top ten professional women surfers in the world. With one arm.Does this mean she has no fears? No.
"When I'm feeling scared, I just sing a song or pray...or I just try to ignore it. It's always in my mind, and it always will be, but I've got to keep my mind on having fun and just surfing."
She says she sees two or three sharks per year in the water and heads in if she gets scared or thinks she sees a shark. She doesn't go in the murky water after a storm. In other words, she uses the common sense that all surfers should employ.She travels the world for surfing competitions, and for causes in which she can help children with fears - like going to Thailand to help young children devastated by the tsunami disaster. With her unique experience, she has something very important to say about overcoming fears, much less overcoming fear of water.I've always said that one of the best learning tools in the universe is to read to yourself and your family biographies of people who have fought inner and outer demons and prevailed. This is one of those stories.And you don't have to be afraid of the ocean to benefit. Life has its disappointments, assaults, devastation, frustrations, challenges, and bad luck. That's just life. What you do
after
that point
is
the measure of your life.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:12ZGetting Your Marital Flirt OnStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Getting-Your-Marital-Flirt-On/408.html2010-05-13T08:06:11Z2010-05-13T08:06:11ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:11ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/409.html2010-05-13T08:06:10Z2010-05-13T08:06:10ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:10ZWhen Grandma Has A BabyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-Grandma-Has-A-Baby/410.html2010-05-13T08:06:10Z2010-05-13T08:06:10Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A 66-year-old British woman (yup -
66!
), unmarried (of course), went to the Ukraine and paid doctors over there to impregnate her with fertilized eggs. The eggs were donated, as was the sperm, but the uterus - zapped with a regimen of necessary hormones - was hers.She is due to give birth by Caesarean section next month. Wow. What a medical miracle! We have the technological know-how to allow a woman almost 70 years old to "make a baby" for her very own self! Personally, I would have suggested a shih-tzu for her case of loneliness instead - she and the dog might live the same number of blissful years together.What about the child? What about being born to a woman who could be your great-grandmother and statistically will not live to see you finish puberty or high school? Well, that doesn't seem to matter - it's all about what the
adult
wants and not about how children pay the price.Yes, I know - parents of any age can die from cancer or car accidents, and, of course, that's true. But this woman's chances of dying before her child reaches adulthood are pretty clear. And with no daddy in the picture, what does this child do for family?The so-called "Octomom," Nadya Suleman, also wanted what she wanted, and now many children suffer not being able to get to a teat because there are too many competitors, and they have no dad to comfort them, either.I'm so proud (yeah, right) of women who have taken on the mantle of "I am woman, hear me roar." They serve to make the example of how low women and humanity can go in diminishing the needs of children because of their own wants. Shameful!Staff2010-05-13T08:06:10ZFleeing From Life-Saving Cancer TreatmentStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Fleeing-From-Life-Saving-Cancer-Treatment/411.html2010-05-13T08:06:09Z2010-05-13T08:06:09Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Police authorities are on a nation-wide search for a mother and her 13-year-old cancer-stricken son who fled after refusing chemotherapy that doctors say could save the boy's life. The two left their Minnesota home after a doctor's appointment and X-ray showed his tumor had grown. A court has issued an arrest warrant (ruling the mother in contempt of court), and has ordered that the boy be placed in foster care and immediately evaluated for treatment by a cancer specialist . His parents insist on alternative medicines, citing religious beliefs. That led authorities to seek custody, as the court ruled that the boy's parents were
medically neglecting
their son, as his form of cancer is considered highly curable with chemotherapy and radiation.The parents believe in the philosophy of the Nemenhah Band, a Missouri-based religious group that believes in natural healing methods with herbal supplements, vitamins, ionized water and such. However, lately the dad has jumped ideological ships and is now agreeing that his son needs the best treatment with a doctor of medicine.All over the blogosphere, you can read arguments as to whether or not the court should be able to countermand the parents. My opinion? Absolutely yes...when it is clear that the child is in imminent harm and there are the means to rescue him.This child is in imminent harm because of his parents and the cancer itself. Since the cancer is likely curable, it is unconscionable for his life to be taken by parents who choose some extreme religious views which put their child on the road to death. Secondly, the child, 13, cannot read due to some learning disability. I question whether or not the parents helped him with
that
problem either. Since the boy cannot read, he is relying on the "wisdom" of his parents, who are not giving him the truth, which is "chemo will save you and herbs will let you die in pain."Personally, I am very respectful of most (not all) religious views. I am completely
dis
respectful of religious views which result in taking the life of an innocent - in this case, robbing the life of an innocent child.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:09ZWhen Should the Kids Get Their Pink Slip?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-Should-the-Kids-Get-Their-Pink-Slip/412.html2010-05-13T08:06:07Z2010-05-13T08:06:07ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:07ZThe Joys of Parenting, from a Stay-At-Home DadStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Joys-of-Parenting,-from-a-Stay-At-Home-Dad/413.html2010-05-13T08:06:07Z2010-05-13T08:06:07Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I got this after I read a letter from a stay-at-home mom on my radio program:
Dr. Laura:I am a 26 year old Stay-At-Home Dad who never wanted children, and until I saw my daughter for the first time, I was terrified that I would resent her for changing my life in a way I'd never planned (and yes, I do appreciate the irony of my situation). I have served in the military, managed people, and worked as a laborer. I have done many difficult things in my life, but being a full-time parent is easily the most difficult (and most rewarding) job I have ever had. My daughter is the light of my life, and, despite my earlier fears, has only helped to strengthen the relationship I share with my wife.
[Recently], you read an email on your program from a stay-at-home mother titled "Staying Home is NOT a Sacrifice!" I was awestricken, and admittedly, at the end of the letter, I cried. I've been described as "unemotional" on more than one occasion, and was even surprised at myself with the chord that letter struck for me. While I have never considered giving up my career and my life as a childless young adult a sacrifice, I'd also never put it all into perspective for myself. I am surrounded by people who have shown nothing but great respect for my wife and I for the fact that we live a much different lifestyle than we did prior to our daughter being born, so I am personally (and thankfully) unfamiliar with the hostility that stay-at-home parents receive. And while I doubt that the people who would hear or read this woman's letter would disagree with her, I, as a man and father, would like to add a little reinforcement to this woman's declaration. Staying home is NOT a sacrifice! The reward of staying home with the kids is not only the end result of children having full-time parents, but in the act itself. We are not giving anything up to be with our children; we are getting so much more from them than we would otherwise.
It's unfortunate to me that not everyone can enjoy the special bond that a stay-at-home parent forms with their children, and I wish that the whole world could see my little girl run at me full-bore, and crash head-first into my legs, begging to be picked up, so that she can give me a big sticky kiss and bury her face in my neck.
Yes, I do sometimes miss skipping town for the weekend on a moment's notice to go drinking or fishing. Yes, I do sometimes miss having the money to go buy a new toy whenever I feel like it. I do sometimes miss being able to make love to my wife anywhere in our home at any time. But one sticky kiss from my daughter is worth infinitely more than every beer I don't have, every record-breaking fish I don't catch, every new toy I don't buy, and every intimate moment that has to wait until the baby has gone to bed.
A proud, stay-at-home DadStaff2010-05-13T08:06:07ZRemembering A Child LostStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Remembering-A-Child-Lost/414.html2010-05-13T08:06:06Z2010-05-13T08:06:06Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I received this poignant email about a heartbreaking topic, but Kelly has found inspiration in her loss, and that's the message I'd like to pass on to all of you:
Dr. Laura:I listened to a call you took from a woman who had lost a baby (a twin), and wondered how to handle this as she tried to go forward in life. I thought I'd share how my family has coped with our loss.
My son was stillborn almost 13 years ago now. He was my first baby, and the loss was devastating, especially since it was such a struggle to conceive him at all. Three months after the loss I became pregnant again (huge surprise!). How could I be happy for this baby when I was still mourning my son? It was scary and hard, but I was determined to notice what would become good memories, so that I would have them to share with this child as she was growing up and wanting to hear how happy we were as we anticipated her arrival. But I still struggled each year as the anniversary of my son's birth/death approached.
And then I read a story about a woman who had been raped and left for dead. After years of agonizing fear and dread as the anniversary of her attack approached each year, she decided to do something to change all that. She used that date each year to celebrate her life, and the fact that she still had it. By this time, we had already shared with our daughter that she had a brother in heaven who watched over her. I decided to take that a step further.
Rather than trying to cover up or explain my sadness at that time each year, I decided to make it a time of remembrance and appreciation. If nothing else, my son's death taught me just how fleeting this life is, and there is not a moment to take for granted. It took me a long time to get to this place, but now, on that day each year, my husband, my daughter and I take that day off (no matter what) just to spend time with each other doing something fun, and remembering how appreciative we are that we have each other.
We've been camping, spent a day at the park, went to the beach...anything that immersed us in each other. And we take time out to remember our son, and thank him for that awesome lesson. When it comes to the loss of a child, I really think every person has to find his or her own way. I just thought I'd share ours, in hopes that it might help someone else.
KellyStaff2010-05-13T08:06:06ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/415.html2010-05-13T08:06:05Z2010-05-13T08:06:05ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:05ZWhat It Means To Be A WarriorStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-It-Means-To-Be-A-Warrior/416.html2010-05-13T08:06:04Z2010-05-13T08:06:04Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>This Saturday is Armed Forces Day, and this month is
Military Appreciation Month
. When I got this email, I knew this was the week to share it with all of you:
Dr. Laura:My 15 year old son belongs to the Civil Air Patrol, which is an offshoot of the Air Force. We had been talking recently about what it means for him to be in the military, the good, the bad, and the sometimes ugly that goes with it. I just received this email from one of our deployed members that sums up what it means to be a warrior, and thought I would share it with you.
From one warrior-raising mom to another,Judi
And here's the email she got:
A few of you have expressed your thanks and feelings regarding my deployment. Of course, it's been a resounding "don't go!" But I would like you to take the time and ask: what would happen if I didn't go?
The simple answer is that someone else would go in my place. This isn't an acceptable alternative for me. How could I expect someone else to go in harm's way in my place?
Another answer, one I believe more important, is this: who would protect my fellow brothers and sisters in arms while they do their jobs? Six years ago, I put up my right hand and swore an oath to defend my country. And that country includes every airman, sailor, soldier and Marine. The job that Oscar [his bomb-sniffing dog] and I have is just that: protecting my brothers and sisters so they might return safely.
When I returned from my last deployment a year ago, I had the honor of flying with an Angel Flight. For those of you who don't know, an Angel Flight is the designation for an aircraft carrying our fallen service members. It was unfortunate for them to return in such a state. And I knew, in the back of my mind, that if more people like me (and Oscar) were there, that just maybe, these service members would not have to return like this.
The oath that I took is different from the oath you take as a CAP cadet, in that many others stake their lives in the trust that I will keep my promise. Sticking to that promise is important to me. But sticking to
your
promise is just as important. It shows how you, as an individual, value your own promise to yourself, your community, state and nation.
I know what my oath means: that I am prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice if need be to protect my fellow service members and Americans. I'd like you to take the time to reflect on YOUR promise. What does your promise mean to YOU? Can YOU count on your own promise? Can OTHERS count on it?
Thank you everyone for the gifts, support, and thanks you have given me. Once I arrive in Iraq and get my mailing address, I'll forward it on. Remember, the best gift is "Chocolate Monkey" or "Swiss" trail mix from Archer Farms, available at Target.
Take care, and stay safe. I'll see you at the end of my deployment. I expect to see all of you promoted to Cadet 2nd Lieutenant by my return. Martinez, give me five push-ups.
Phillip K.SSgt, USAFStaff2010-05-13T08:06:04ZShould I Spy on my Teenager?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Should-I-Spy-on-my-Teenager/417.html2010-05-13T08:06:02Z2010-05-13T08:06:02ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:02ZMommy Journaling Reinforces The Joys of Staying HomeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Mommy-Journaling-Reinforces-The-Joys-of-Staying-Home/418.html2010-05-13T08:06:02Z2010-05-13T08:06:02Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I'm traveling this week, doing my radio program from Detroit and then from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, so I thought I'd feature a guest blogger today, who wrote in with the following comments:
Hi, Dr. Laura!I am a stay-at-home mom of two beautiful children, ages 4 1/2 and almost 2. I have been a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) since the middle of my first pregnancy. I just picked up your book "In Praise of Stay-At-Home Moms," and read it cover-to-cover in two days. At first, the book made me angry. Not at anything you said, but it stirred up some old emotions in me that I thought I had buried long ago.
You see, I have felt a lot of negativity from my in-laws since the day my husband and I decided that I would quit my job to stay home to raise our family. My mother-in-law and father-in-law, and even both brothers-in-law and their wives, who all have children in day care, felt that I was not pulling my weight-that I was a burden on my husband, and that my children should be in day care. Can you imagine?!!
My husband and I lead a completely different lifestyle from them, but that didn't seem to matter to them. We don't have a thirty foot trailer for camping, and it's not important for us to have brand new SUVs or granite countertops. We can have those material things in due time, if we choose.
Reading your book made me think about the past again, the way my children and I have been treated over the years, and it brought back all the anger and resentment. As I continued reading your book, it clicked! My in-laws are
jealous
of the quality time that I get to spend with my children every day. Also, the biggie for me: happiness is a matter of perspective. Both my husband and I feel like we are doing the right thing by having me stay-at-home and that's all that matters. Period.
In a quest to keep the right perspective, I have started journaling my proud "mommy moments," and I thought I would share this with you. Perhaps this might help other SAHMs keep a positive outlook, too. There's no denying that being a full-time stay-at-home mom is both rewarding and challenging. So, I started journaling all the wonderful moments that I experience with my children on a daily basis - the moments I would never be able to experience via Mommy-cam.
Today, my daughter lovingly brushed the hair away from my forehead and kissed me sweetly on my forehead, just as I have done to her countless times. I wrote it down. When my little boy wraps his pudgy arms around my legs and squeezes me with all his might, I write it down. That way, when things get tough, which they will, I can quickly glance over my Mommy journal and see why I'm doing this again, to help me keep a positive outlook. I know this won't make whatever is troubling me magically disappear, but I do think that seeing what's positive and wonderful in my life will help to clear my head and give me strength for Round 2 and 3.
You have been such a wonderful influence on me, Dr. Laura. Thank you for helping to lift my chin, so when people ask me what I do for a living, I can respond, smiling, "I am a proud FULL-time stay-at-home Mommy and I love my life."
God bless you and yours,
C.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:02ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/419.html2010-05-13T08:06:00Z2010-05-13T08:06:00ZStaff2010-05-13T08:06:00ZA Young Woman Does the Research on Feminist TheoryStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-Young-Woman-Does-the-Research-on-Feminist-Theory/420.html2010-05-13T08:06:00Z2010-05-13T08:06:00Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>This is a two-parter from one of my listeners. She originally wrote me the following email:
Dear Dr. Laura:
"...I am to give a presentation on ...Feminist Theory for my Social Theory class. Let me tell you, I am so excited to present this, because I am far from a feminist. I can't wait to share my thoughts with my class..[and] provide details of what women today are missing because of this movement.
"...Thanks to you, I will be no one's shack-up honey. I will not have children until I am married. I will not marry the wrong man...I will be my kid's mom and my husband's girlfriend...."
Thanks to you, here is a 25 year old woman who loves and respects herself.
Well, she did the research in preparation for the presentation, and here's what she wrote as a followup:
"[In doing my research,] I... never read the word 'oppressed' so many times in my life. My goodness, how can women complain so much? ...I have never gotten mad when working on a project for school. I have always found things that I have learned along the way interesting and useful. Well, this time, I got mad. My professor knew I was anti-feminism, so she must have thought [doing the research] would open my eyes to her world....She was incorrect. I started getting angry at these feminists. Finally, the day before my presentation...I had had it! I could hardly stand these women.
I believe I read that women wanted to be accepted and respected, ...[but] all it seemed like they wanted to do was emasculate men, demoralize tradition, and degrade anyone or anything that stood in their way of what they thought was power....I think a lot of feminists have taken this movement a bit too far. I truly believe feminists must be the most miserable people. They miss out on so much. My mother is a feminist, and she has never been happy. Thanks to you, Dr. Laura, I did not follow in her footsteps.
You were right when you told me the angrier the professor gets, the more "right on" I am. She didn't care what [analysis] I provided. I appreciate that women have rights, but I resent that my rights of becoming a stay-at-home mom day are not honored as well....My professor thought she was tricking me into finding things [in my research] that maybe I would think I can't live without. All she did, though, was teach me how to be a better woman and how not to treat a man.Staff2010-05-13T08:06:00ZWhat It Means to Be A MomStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-It-Means-to-Be-A-Mom/421.html2010-05-13T08:05:58Z2010-05-13T08:05:58ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:58ZFEMA's Coloring Book Is A DisasterStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/FEMAs-Coloring-Book-Is-A-Disaster/422.html2010-05-13T08:05:58Z2010-05-13T08:05:58Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The coordinator behind a children's coloring book that was pulled from FEMA's website recently is standing by her work, despite its controversial cover (which shows a child's drawing of the New York's "Twin Towers" on fire, with a plane flying toward them), according to Fox News.Ostensibly, this downloadable coloring book was created to help children cope with disaster, and was developed by Minnesota's Freeborn County Crisis Response Team after a tornado hit their area.
"I stand firm that it was a very well thought out and useful resource for kids,"
Rose Olmstead told Fox News. I think she is sadly mistaken. I read the entire coloring book, and these are my observations and opinions:1. The title of the coloring book is
"A Scary Thing Happened,"
a children's coloring book to help cope with disasters. I would not have shown this to my child. The cover has the World Trade Center towers burning, with a plane coming in for the second kill, a house with the roof blowing away due to a tornado, and a car that is smashed from the top - this doesn't resemble a car accident, so I don't know if a tornado was supposed to have hauled it up and then dropped it on its top before righting it, or what. Can't figure that one out. Here's where I take issue: a tornado is an act of nature. The tower disaster was an act of evil people determined to murder all those who didn't share their religion. It's wrong to put these two together, because the explanations for these events are worlds apart, and people cope differently when other humans perpetrate heinous acts on purpose, than when nature does what nature does, or when accidents happen. Coping with these two category types is psychologically different. As you might guess, murder and mayhem perpetrated by man is much harder to deal with, because it becomes more personal.2. After highlighting terrorism on the cover, the book starts out showing excessive rain causing a flood, a tornado and a house fire - typical disasters for a community. The text then says,
"You may wonder why anybody would do this or why it happened to you."
Well, are we blaming God for rain and high winds? Who else could do this? This is neither discussed nor explained.
"...why it happened to you"
is definitely a good question to ask, because that is what most people of any age would ask. On the next page, the question is not answered. The page just shows a child among three different images of terrorist-hijacked planes and World Trade Center towers. This actually made me angry, because it was a pointless segue from the previous page.3. The next section is pretty good. It talks about sadness, but then it throws in
"You might think you made the disaster happen, but you didn't."
What kid thinks a tornado or flood is their fault? This book is just all mixed up with concepts, and ultimately, I don't believe it is helpful to children at all.4. One of the worst parts of the book is a section that mentions
"In the disaster, there was no warning and no time to get ready."
Well, people in flood, earthquake and tornado areas have family and community plans in place, and generally instruct their children on what to do. The same goes for house fires. This book leads children to believe that they have absolutely no power, because it does not inform them that there is such a thing as preparedness. Coloring
after
the fact is cute, but preparedness
before
the fact helps children to anticipate and feel a sense of power vs. a feeling of helplessness.5. Since this book doesn't really settle on one concept, it does not effectively deal with any, which is a shame, because the last part talks about discussing your feelings, doing good deeds, and taking care of yourself as a way to cope. I stand with the people who wanted this book pulled because of the cover with the burning towers, but I stand with them more because of the quality of the effort than just because of a controversial cover.Disasters have different origins: those that are natural are dealt with one way, while those that are perpetrated by humans are handled another way. If FEMA wanted to do a book about how to deal with the fear that there are millions of people who want us dead because of their blind bigotry, hate, and misguided sense of spirituality, well, that's a very different book from this one.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:58ZGetting "Physical"Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Getting-Physical/423.html2010-05-13T08:05:57Z2010-05-13T08:05:57Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Last week was my annual "girl parts" checkup - pelvic exam and mammogram. I am grateful to be able to say that all's well with me.I'm blogging about this because I want all you men and women to have your yearly physicals, including full blood work, cancer screening, colonoscopies (I do that every 5 years now), and maybe even a full body scan.Ultimately, it really doesn't matter what does or doesn't "run in your family." Your body physiology and behaviors (such as nutrition, substance abuse, physicality, and environment) are all unique to you, so don't think you're "safe" because no one in your family has "such and such."I also realize that many of you may be scared that if you get a checkup, something will be found. Well, that logic would be okay with me IF not going to a doctor for a physical insured that you wouldn't get anything serious. That's just not how life works.I'm always nervous before my yearly exams. At 62, I figure I will eventually have to deal with something, although I just might go out mid-breath in my sleep at age104. I take very good care of myself, but....you never know. After I finish the battery of tests, and get a happy answer, I can breathe easier, and I go out and play.I will admit that I hate going for dental checkups, however, because they usually DO find something I have to deal with (ugh). But I have a really cool ceramic molar implant with a tiny American flag painted on it - occasionally, doing something crazy like that is how I cope.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:57ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/424.html2010-05-13T08:05:56Z2010-05-13T08:05:56ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:56ZHow Stupid Do Consumer Product Companies Think We Are?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-Stupid-Do-Consumer-Product-Companies-Think-We-Are/425.html2010-05-13T08:05:55Z2010-05-13T08:05:55ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:55ZAlleged Craigslist Killer's Fiancee Has It All WrongStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Alleged-Craigslist-Killers-Fiancee-Has-It-All-Wrong/426.html2010-05-13T08:05:55Z2010-05-13T08:05:55Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Philip Markoff, 23, the alleged Craigslist killer, has a loyal, faithful, supportive fiancée. The big question is....WHY?Authorities say he trolled Craigslist's erotic services section, where he met a 25 year old woman and lured her to a luxury hotel in Boston. Supposedly, he meant only to steal money, but he also had a loaded gun, and allegedly shot her dead, presumably because she fought him.How's this for evidence: 1) the murdered woman's underwear was at his house2) the bullet that killed her came from our boy's gun, and if that isn't enough,3) his fingerprints were found on the wall of the hotel room where a stripper was tied up in an attempted robbery.What does his pathetic fiancée do? She proclaims her love and support and her complete disbelief that any of this is true, describing him as a loving and caring person.You've heard this story (including women who hunger to marry convicted murderers) way too often. Why do women do this?Simple. Question: how humiliating is it to be associated with an evil person? Answer: Very! So, if one takes the position that "I only know him as a good person," some of the humiliation is tempered. After a little while, the healthiest of these women fade out of sight; the others make their identity "the fiancee OF (fill in the blank)." Some women find glory in "standing by an evil man," because they believe it defines them as truly "good" to sacrifice and have such loyalty, faith, and belief. Some women believe that their love can and will transform the man - that it will heal him, and then their own lives will have value, and he will be beholden to them, never leaving them and always loving them. Other women are frankly amoral, narcissistic, and/or sociopathic, and they identify with the perp. That kinship keeps them connected. Still others want their 15 minutes of "reality show fame" and notice, and feel a most distorted sense of value from that exposure.All in all, this young woman's response ought to have been: "I am shocked and horrified that I could not see that this man had two lives. I am sorrowful for the woman who lost her life and her family and friends. I regret the harm he's caused so many people. This is going to take me a while to recover from, as I obviously had a brush with evil."Instead, her family quietly called the wedding hall and cancelled the reception, because Philip was probably not going to be available.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:55ZListen Before You PounceStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Listen-Before-You-Pounce/427.html2010-05-13T08:05:54Z2010-05-13T08:05:54ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:54ZStrip-Searching ChildrenStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Strip-Searching-Children/428.html2010-05-13T08:05:53Z2010-05-13T08:05:53Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Your child is in school. You believe your child is safe. Your child comes home after school, hysterical and unwilling to ever go back. The part of the world in which you thought your child would be safe just exploded in front of your eyes.What happened? Well, if your name is Mrs. Redding, you just discovered that your child was stripped almost naked in front of more than one school official who had no legal right to do so. You then find out that the school is perfectly fine with what happened, because they are "doing it because they feel an intense need to protect the safety of the students." How's
that
for irony!This is what happened (as will be heard by the Supreme Court of the United States of America). A 13 year old honor student in a small Arizona town was hauled down to the principal's office to strip down to her underwear, because another eighth grade student who was found with a cigarette and some pills pointed the finger at our victim. The 13 year old denied having anything. They searched her backpack: nothing. That's when the vice principal said the school nurse would conduct a strip search.
"They saw everything. It was really embarrassing. These are people I see every day,"
said the victim. The school did not call her mother, child services, or police; they just stripped her down.Believe it or not, after the school lost a lawsuit in a Federal appeals court, and the school was found liable, they have taken the case to the Supreme Court, who will hear the case tomorrow. I agree that it's important for the school to find dangerous drugs and weapons. Dangerous weapons can be found in a "pat-down," but even that is a kind of sexual harassment. I believe that you parents should tell your children to
always refuse to fully remove their clothes
(except, perhaps, for jackets and coats),
even if it is the principal who demands it
. Parents should make sure that the rules in their school district include sequestering the student, calling the parents and the police/child protective services before a child's body is touched, unless there is considerable reason to believe that the child is armed with a deadly weapon.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:53ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/429.html2010-05-13T08:05:53Z2010-05-13T08:05:53ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:53ZWhy I'm Praising MomsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Im-Praising-Moms/430.html2010-05-13T08:05:51Z2010-05-13T08:05:51Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Some actors talk about how and from where they get their "motivation" in the portrayal of some character. Actors usually get the role and then search for the motivation behind the role. I am the exact opposite. I get motivated about something, and then go out and make it happen.For years, I have been striving to have women re-establish their sacred place in the universe by influencing them to value their womanhood, and not simply resign themselves to being worker bees or unattached sexual objects. My latest book,
In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms
, is my contribution to that end, reminding women that 1) they are the spiritual center of the family, and 2) that their love and attention cannot be replaced by hired help. I've been working very hard to have mothers and wives value themselves in these roles and not feel "less," but instead, enjoy the esteemed pedestal once again.To "bring it home," so to speak, I decided to do an extravaganza of an event, called
In Praise of Mom
, to applaud and recognize the beauty and importance of mothers everywhere. Why am I so emotional about this? Simple. I almost missed out on this most incredible miracle (and sometime pain in the neck) called motherhood.In the 1960s, I was seduced by the feminist anger that proclaimed that husbands and kids were in the way of getting power and respect. We lost way too much because of the anger vented on men and mothering. As many of you may know, I did not have the most mothering mommy possible, and that probably contributed to my negativity at the time. But at age 35, I had an epiphany. What I was missing from my life was being a wife and a mommy.I now know the glories and agonies of being a mommy, and I am grateful I didn't miss out on one minute of it. I receive calls every day from women who are mothers of good kids, troubled kids, confusing kids, rambunctious kids, curious kids, risk-taking kids and more. For a mom, the well-being of her child and family is
number one
. It occurred to me that I should use the opportunity afforded by the release of my new book to celebrate Mother's Day in a new, fun, touching, memorable way. As my son is in the military (as are many of yours), we won't be together on Mother's Day. The next best thing is for all us mothers to get together and laugh and hug about our trials, tribulations, and exaltations of motherhood.
In Praise of Mom
will be a one-time only event on Tuesday, May 5 in a movie theater near you...and it will be beamed live by satellite to more than 400 theaters around the country. Let's get all the moms in our lives together and applaud ourselves! To purchase tickets,
click here
.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:51ZEscaping from an Irresponsible Family of LeechesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Escaping-from-an-Irresponsible-Family-of-Leeches/431.html2010-05-13T08:05:50Z2010-05-13T08:05:50ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:50ZUsing the Airwaves to Promote CheatingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Using-the-Airwaves-to-Promote-Cheating/432.html2010-05-13T08:05:50Z2010-05-13T08:05:50Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I don't see morality, ethics, or character in too many places in our society these days, so when I do, it's time for rejoicing and handing out kudos. So, kudos go out to G. Craig Hanson, the president of Simmons Media Group, which owns KXRK-FM radio in Salt Lake City, who dumped a morally repulsive and exploitative commercial off his station.There's an
infidelity
dating service, The Ashley Madison Agency, on the Internet for people "looking for a little something on the side." They boast - yechh - over 3.6 million members in the United States and Canada. These are people looking for a quick "hump" without their dates, fiancés, and spouses knowing anything about it.The ads are off KXRK-FM, but they're supposedly still airing in Salt Lake City on 97.5, The Blaze.The President and CEO of Ashley Madison, Noel Biderman, says he aims to buy TV spots and billboard space in Utah, and labeled as "hypocritical" the media outlets that refuse to take his ads.You know, I get called "hypocritical" all the time, because it's a "nice" swear word to use to discount somebody else's point of view. A hypocrite actually is someone who
says
they believe one way, while (secretly) they
behave
the opposite. A "teacher" (as opposed to a hypocrite), for example, is someone who formerly smoked and has quit, and now campaigns to get others to do so in order to have a good and healthful life. People like Biderman call others who judge them negatively "hypocrites" because, in their world, they can't imagine people with different values as being real, serious, happy, and successful. They just see the potential for a dark side in everyone and decide to try to make money off of it.So, "poo poohs" to Noel Biderman, who wants to provide people with the opportunities to betray their vows and diminish their own characters with ads providing affair "match-ups," and kudos to KXRK-FM's president G. Craig Hanson of Salt Lake City who said the scum won't float on his lake.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:50ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/433.html2010-05-13T08:05:48Z2010-05-13T08:05:48ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:48ZSusan Boyle Wows Everyone'AlmostStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Susan-Boyle-Wows-EveryoneAlmost/434.html2010-05-13T08:05:48Z2010-05-13T08:05:48Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I love Susan Boyle. I've never watched any of those "Idol," "Model," or "Talent" shows. The only reason I know of Susan Boyle is that she has hit the news big time. For those of you, like me, who don't keep up with these shows, Susan Boyle made a big hit on
"Britain's Got Talent"
as a singer.Unfortunately, the news was two-fold: boy, is she ever unattractive, and boy, can she ever sing.Susan Boyle is 47, overweight, flabby, and has graying, frizzy hair, bushy eyebrows, and a blubbery face. Susan Boyle also has the singing ability of an angel, giving a performance of the
Les Miserables
tune
"I Dreamed A Dream"
that has made her an instant star with more than 20 million views on YouTube.Now the debates rage: should she or shouldn't she get some kind of makeover to look prettier on camera? The United Kingdom's
Guardian
published a "no, she shouldn't; she should stay natural" comment from one of their most "done over" women stars. Others are repulsed by her looks, and can't imagine that beautiful voice coming from such a plain, frumpy woman.Many of those 20 million plus YouTube views very likely occurred simply because of that incredible contrast. For many, it was like watching a geek or freak show, so they could laugh at her lack of physical attributes, without, of course, looking in the mirror themselves.Me? I give her lots of credit for being more focused on her voice than on her lack of beauty. She is definitely not attractive. Should she get face work to match the scores of women who all look like they came out of the same factory: the puffed-up face, abnormally protruding cheeks, and lips that look like the rump side of an orangutan? I wouldn't advise it.Clearly, this is not a woman of means...yet. So, getting her hair colored and calmed down, learning some makeup tips, and having clothes which best compliment her ample figure is something that is probably in the works now, which means that she'd be spiffing up what she has, and not getting surgically transformed into a vision which will make the snide snickers go away. Making the best of what you have is admirable and advisable; getting re-made into something nobody is, is not admirable nor advisable.And the main point is that she has a beautiful voice, and a tremendous amount of talent. If she were "pretty," I wonder how many YouTube hits there would have been. Gosh...I long for the days before television and the Internet, when only the
quality
of what a person had to offer was revealed.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:48ZOutrageous Behavior in Exchange for Instant FameStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Outrageous-Behavior-in-Exchange-for-Instant-Fame/435.html2010-05-13T08:05:47Z2010-05-13T08:05:47Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>When I was a kid, we spent most of our time outside playing...something. Riding bikes, playing ball, walking, running, performing dramatic vignettes, or finding clues in twigs, among other activities. Imagination, strategy, and fresh air were the mainstay of life then.And then....the incredible technology age came along, with chatter, Twitter, and pics, texting and more. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to guess that that isn't very good.Kids today aren't on "friendship" sites to get help with their math homework or discourse on all things philosophical. They're basically trying to make a mark, to be somebody, or to impress somebody, all without having done a damn thing to actually earn the attention.But why should they? Look at what they see on television: reality show after reality show where people get "famous" for behaving badly and creating nothing of value or beauty. Ex-Governor Rod Blagojevich may even be getting his own television show after being tossed out of office because of severe wrongdoing.That's where kids get the idea that "outrageous" is more important than goodness, patience, commitment to a goal, and values beyond their own immediate "fantasy" gratification. I don't know how you parents can shield your children from this "Pinocchio Island," which ultimately degenerates the value of living and giving to merely depraved acting out. Removing all TVs and never going to the movies might be a start - maybe the Amish have it right in that regard. They have long held that so-called "modern" advances don't necessarily advance the human spirit.It breaks my heart to hear all the stories each day of children and young adults who, in a rush to feel the power of adulthood freedom, don't get the matched message of responsibility and nobility. Religion in this country is breaking down as people go to Easter services or Passover dinners as mostly a yearly reunion, as opposed to a daily profound observance. Families are breaking down with "shack-up," out-of-wedlock children lost in a morass of adult yearnings for easy intimacy. And so it goes.Do I sound negative? You bet. I am worried. I am heartened by the emails and calls from families struggling in the midst of all this societal turmoil, which has robbed them of the support and respect they so dearly need to help their children find a good and righteous path in life. My heart goes out to them, and, hopefully, there will be more like them.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:47ZBehind the Music: An Interview with Benjamin PrattStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Behind-the-Music:--An-Interview-with-Benjamin-Pratt/436.html2010-05-13T08:05:45Z2010-05-13T08:05:45ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:45ZBurnout PreventionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Burnout-Prevention/437.html2010-05-13T08:05:45Z2010-05-13T08:05:45Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A caller with a seemingly simple question has been haunting my mind since Monday. The caller was a stay-at-home mom with four children under the age of six. I thought I was heroic chasing after
one
child who never napped. I can't imagine
four
little tykes going in different directions, all with different personalities and needs. Wow.After asking some sneaky questions, I discerned that she was - in two words - BURNED OUT. It's difficult to get around the understandable embarrassment or shame that a mother has for even
thinking
that she wished she were on another planet away from the children for a while. But this is a totally understandable and normal reaction to a lovely, but draining, situation.When a woman is at a job, she can take a number of bathroom breaks, coffee breaks, and a lunch break which may even include shopping (a great tension releaser!). When taking care of a number of children whose needs are relentless and inconsistent, it's easy to see how one brain and heart can be overwhelmed if the kids don't nap - mine never did, and I remember feeling mentally exhausted.Mothers do, but shouldn't, feel guilt at not always being thrilled out of their ears to be taking care of their children. My first argument is that there is no one with any career or activity who doesn't regularly feel the same way. Human beings need breaks - changes of scenery and input - and activities that help let off steam and revive one's sense of joy in life. That's why in my book,
In Praise of Stay-At-Home Moms
, I've written about the necessity of taking
guilt-free
breaks - and taking them before
you
break!First, to the husbands: Make sure you command and demand that your beloved wife and mother of your progeny go out with her girlfriends, go have a one-hour bath with bubbles and wine, or go ride her bike with a bike club for a morning -
something
so that she can feel revived and relaxed. Plan it for her if she's stubborn (the stubbornness usually comes from feeling guilty). Tell her that a GOOD mother takes care of herself so that the "giving" flows more readily.Second, to you mothers: Grandma is useful for a break while you do nothing or something that relaxes you. I told this caller to get one of those carriers that attaches to a bicycle, and get a child bike seat affixed behind her bike seat - that takes care of three kids right there, and one is in kindergarten. Take 'em all on a bike ride to picnic or relax in a park - that's only one of the things I did with my child. Turn on an exercise video and dance along with the music to get a workout - the kids will join in, or play next to you with their toys. My message is: no guilt. Any profession has tools that must be taken care of to keep working properly: a computer, a saw and hammer...whatever. For us mothers, the tool is ourselves. So, no guilt. Take it as a responsibility to keep yourself loose and refreshed.My final message is that being home with your children opens up many opportunities if you think out of the perimeter of your property. It isn't supposed to be a "work farm." It's supposed to be a joyous home. Oh, and here's why that caller stuck in my mind: I heard a depth of sadness in her voice that seriously worried me, and I realized that many of you moms try so hard that you forget to take care of yourselves. In doing so, you lose contact with your mission in the first place. When that happens, your children miss you.So, ladies, turn on that music and dance and sing around the house and enjoy!Staff2010-05-13T08:05:45ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/438.html2010-05-13T08:05:43Z2010-05-13T08:05:43ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:43ZPorn Film Screened on College CampusesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Porn-Film-Screened-on-College-Campuses/439.html2010-05-13T08:05:43Z2010-05-13T08:05:43Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>When I went to college (I was an undergraduate at the State University of New York at Stony Brook), in addition to the police raids on the campus dorm pot smokers, and the demonstrations against the Vietnam war, there were actually serious academic classes which educated students in math, science, philosophy, literature, engineering, physics, business, and social sciences among other disciplines.The expressed common goal was to graduate informed students who were competent to take on the next phase of their lives in some productive way, contributing to society, in addition to financially supporting their prospective families.For the longest while, I fear, colleges and universities have minimized that lofty goal in exchange for ideological "brainwashing" and political correctness, threatening those who hold opinions different from the prevailing political persuasion of the faculty. I think that colleges and universities have become scary places for individuals of a more traditional bent.Students at the University of Maryland recently attempted to join in with other so-called bastions of higher learning by playing a triple-x pornographic film for entertainment. The screening was set up by the school's student union. The film got yanked when State Senator Andy Harris threatened to pull state funding from the school's budget. Evidently, money talks.Senator Harris said,
"Students can't light up a cigarette in the student union, but can watch a hardcore XXX porn film. Occasional viewing of porn is more dangerous than occasionally lighting up a cigarette. If the movie is being shown for educational reasons
[yeah, right],
someone should be presenting the dangers too. Porn breaks up lives."
Of course, those who don't remember their history (and how the Tower of London was the final stop for those who contradicted the British monarchy), and think that the US First Amendment is just about ANYTHING, complained that this, the most expensive porn movie ever made, was an issue of free speech.
"Off with their heads,"
I say. The production company actively has been seeking college campuses to screen the film since last summer, because they're looking to breed future audiences for their debasing tripe. The University of Maryland's student union planned to have a representative from Planned Parenthood talk about safe sex. HAH! Planned Parenthood makes money by having girls and women kill the babies in their bodies as a form of "after-the-fact" birth control. I can see why they would want to be there to push their wares, but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be explaining why they typically don't call the police when an underage girl, who has been impregnated by an adult male, comes in for an abortion - bad for business, I guess. Eventually, the university reversed its position and allowed the screening, as long as it contained an "educational component." Four "experts" spoke on freedom of speech, and then screened the first 30 minutes of the 2 1/2 hour hard-core film. The film has already been shown at UCLA, Northwestern University, Carnegie-Mellon, Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, and Southern Connecticut State University.Aren't the alumni proud.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:43ZBristol Palin's Baby Daddy TalksStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Bristol-Palins-Baby-Daddy-Talks/440.html2010-05-13T08:05:42Z2010-05-13T08:05:42Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I am just sickened. It seems the "male" who impregnated Sarah Palin's teenage daughter outside of wedlock (and now, with no wedlock to be had) is going on television shows to give "his side" of the story. What "sides" are there to be had when two teens breach basic moral good sense and have sex when they are in no position emotionally, psychologically or financially to raise a family? Now there is yet another poor child in the world without an intact, covenantly committed, grown-up and secure two-parent, mom and dad family. Sad.In the old days, the man "did the right thing," and marriage was the solution. These days, men just walk away, or women declare that they "don't need" a guy - they can do it all themselves. Well, the abandonment by a dad is devastating to a child in many painful ways, and no woman, no matter how nurturing, can offer any child what they lose in not having that paternal influence.So, instead of tarring and feathering this young man for daring to "kiss and tell," he's being treated like something special, with polite interviews on television! I find this utterly disgusting, but typical for TV, which goes looking for situations like this to exploit for ratings, e.g., "We have an
exclusive
interview with the boy who knocked up Sarah Palin's daughter!"During the election, Mrs. Palin paraded her pregnant daughter and the sperm donor around to display family values, saying they were "engaged." That, too, was a disgusting display, especially with John McCain embracing this shameful young man on international television."Normalizing" children born without the protective womb of family is an assault on the well-being of children everywhere, and a bad influence on young men and women who too often follow that old adage: "Monkey see, monkey do."Children should be our first concern and responsibility - not our incidental playthings.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:42ZDeflecting Arguments Against Being a Stay-At-Home MomStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Deflecting-Arguments-Against-Being-a-Stay-At-Home-Mom/441.html2010-05-13T08:05:40Z2010-05-13T08:05:40ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:40ZHow the Latest Successful Stop-Smoking Campaign Can Be Applied to Other Bad HabitsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-the-Latest-Successful-Stop-Smoking-Campaign-Can-Be-Applied-to-Other-Bad-Habits/442.html2010-05-13T08:05:40Z2010-05-13T08:05:40Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Every time I go out to buy anything from shoe polish to hair spray to a new Harley-Davidson jacket, I get taxed. Every time this happens, I ask, "Hey, what's the story here?" When I earn it, the federal government taxes it, the state government taxes it, and then when that's all done, and I'm down to what I can actually spend, they tax me on everything I use my "already taxed" income for. Does that seem right, fair or fun to anyone? I think not.That was until last week. The per-pack federal tax increase on cigarettes from 39 cents to $1.01 has made for a smokin' "stop smoking hot line" and treatment center boom! The Denver-based National Jewish Health line received triple the usual number of calls last Monday for six states in which it operates: Colorado, Idaho, Iowa, Montana, New Mexico, and Ohio. Quit smoking phone lines around the country are feeling the surge, and Michigan's quit line itself had to quit because it ran out of money in mid-March after logging more than 65,000 callers in 5 days! Besides counseling and tips, Michigan's hot line offered free nicotine patches, gum or lozenges.Arkansas had to quit general advertising for its quit line to keep up with the surge.Not all "quitters" will be successful. It's a tough physiological and psychological addiction to break. One source guesses that about 1 million adults will quit as a result of the tax increase. So, after hearing about this, I got to thinking...if money outweighs morality in issues of behavior, the government is onto something. Instead of super-taxing yachts and Harry Winston-level jewelry, why not tax divorces, so that people will make more of an effort to make their vows mean something more than their egos or impulses? Why not tax people who use day care, nannies and/or baby-sitters, so their children will come to know them better and be more loved, nurtured, and end up feeling safe and confident about love and family? Why not tax women who abort instead of finding a wonderful family to give life and love to their unwanted children? Why not tax men who walk away after knocking up some woman they have no intention of adoring, protecting or providing for by marriage?I could go on, but you get my meaning. On my radio program, I try to reach and influence people with a bit of good sense, rational thought, and (when necessary) appropriate guilt. I give them direction, motivation, support, and a good motherly nag.Callers don't pay for their time on the phone. Sometimes, I joke with them that if they don't start doing the right thing, I am going to reverse the charges - and impose a kind of "talk show tax." That's starting to sound more and more like a good idea. If people are willing to get rid of a nasty, dangerous, addictive habit like smoking because of money, maybe costing them money would prod even more people into "doing the right thing."Staff2010-05-13T08:05:40ZDon't Do the Wrong Thing With Your Hyperactive KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dont-Do-the-Wrong-Thing-With-Your-Hyperactive-Kids/443.html2010-05-13T08:05:39Z2010-05-13T08:05:39Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>When I was a child in school, my parents were called in each and every year to have a conference with the principal about my inattention, underachievement, and disruption of the class because I talked too much - all the things that would have me doused in Ritalin today.I get way too many calls from mothers that their local school is threatening to drug their child (usually a son) with Ritalin to cure his ADHD, and thereby control his behavior. I always tell them: NO. There are numerous reasons why children (and especially boys) won't sit still and won't pay attention. Sometimes they're bored, sometimes there is so much turmoil at home that they're acting out, and sometimes they just have so much energy that they can't sit still. Schools have virtually thrown out recess breaks and physical education. Sometimes, too, they're just the sort of kids who need more one-on-one attention in order to keep focused. Of course, there's also the possibility that there are other problems.There's an important (and not surprising to me) piece of news published online in the
Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
: that stimulant drugs like Ritalin that are used to treat ADHD do not improve children's symptoms in the long term.The latest report tracked almost 500 children for eight years, and found that those still taking stimulant medication fared no better in the reduction of symptoms such as inattention and hyperactivity or in social functioning than those who had not taken medication. The difference was clear in less than two years.Behavioral treatments are going to have a much bigger benefit in the long term. It's easy to find a doctor who will prescribe Ritalin. However, it takes some time to find a doctor experienced in behavioral intervention, and for many "too busy" folks, popping a pill seems easier and more expedient than ongoing behavioral techniques that will require their time and energies to learn and utilize at home.Here in Los Angeles, we have
The Drake Institute
, which is expert in this area. These ongoing interventions are costly, and not all insurance will cover them, which is, indeed, a problem.I remember reading on the air an email from a grandfather whose grandson was the child of a two-career household. The grandfather was retired. He found out they were going to "Ritalin-ize" his grandson, and immediately took over. He homeschooled this child and spent the entire day combining school work with structured play and discipline The child blossomed. He wrote:
"I sometimes think that it is not the child who has attention-deficit problems, but the parents who give the child a deficit of attention."
While that may be true in a lot of cases, there are still those children whose impulse control and thinking processes need special attention. Find a good behavioral therapist with the experience to make a difference, and realize that you, as a parent, will have to spend the time to understand, learn and help your child mature in a healthy and productive way. Stop with the popping of potent pills as a first and last resort.....please.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:39ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/444.html2010-05-13T08:05:38Z2010-05-13T08:05:38ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:38ZI Tidied Up My Point of ViewStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/I-Tidied-Up-My-Point-of-View/445.html2010-05-13T08:05:37Z2010-05-13T08:05:37Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>When my now 6'3" son was a little guy, housework was secondary in priority to interacting with him. One of my most wonderful memories is of taking him on a walk (and pulling him in his Radio Flyer-like wagon) to the huge parking lot of the local Target. I would put him in one of the shopping carts, and run like mad, twisting and turning and twirling the cart until he whooped with delight. This would go on for the better part of an hour. Thinking back, I got a good aerobic exercise workout, and he got a Disneyland-like ride. At the time, though, it was just about having fun together.One of the constant complaints I get (especially from at-home moms), is about the drudgery of housework, particularly about how it is never-ending and repetitive. Frankly, I liked knowing the parameters involved with housework: bathrooms, kitchen, and washing and folding laundry. Folding laundry was my meditative exercise. I found it quite relaxing.Attitude is the essential issue in dealing with anything in life. I had a recent caller to my radio program who was still working through her rotten childhood by yelling and being physical with her kids...but in a bad way. After a bit of a lecture from me on finally having fun in her life, and my giving her examples of getting kids to do things (like putting toys away or getting their pajamas on) with fun (complete with giggles and applause), she wrote me back and thanked me. Then I received this email from another listener:
I am in the middle of three loads of laundry (I have four boys ages 7,10, 12 and 14, so I have a lot of laundry), and wanted to thank you for being my "housework buddy." You may not realize it, but you've been helping me with my housework for the last 3 months. How? I've always hated and avoided doing housework, because I never saw the value in it. Instead, I took part-time jobs while the kids were in school and hired a housekeeper once a week. While she put a dent in the mess, there was still a lot of housework left, and I asked my full-time working husband to help out on the weekend. This meant that our weekends weren't much fun.
After listening to you talk to a caller about what a great gift she was giving her family by keeping the house neat, I decided to devote the three hours you're on the air to housework. I can now happily listen to you from any room in the house. While I still don't enjoy housework, my family and I do enjoy having a clean, well-organized home. And we have a lot more fun on the weekend. So, thank you for being my "housework buddy" and keeping me company while I work!
DebraSan Diego
Everything we do is of value, even if it is the same thing every day (which, of course, it doesn't have to be). Creativity in how we approach situations changes everything about how we feel and how much we appreciate life, love, and family. So, whatever it is you have to do, find a way to make it fun.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:37ZMorning-After Pill for 17 Year Old Girls?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Morning-After-Pill-for-17-Year-Old-Girls/446.html2010-05-13T08:05:35Z2010-05-13T08:05:35ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:35ZNanny, Babysitter, Day Care Worker or....MOMMY?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Nanny,-Babysitter,-Day-Care-Worker-or....MOMMY/447.html2010-05-13T08:05:35Z2010-05-13T08:05:35ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:35ZNew Reality Show for the Overweight is a Bad IdeaStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/New-Reality-Show-for-the-Overweight-is-a-Bad-Idea/448.html2010-05-13T08:05:35Z2010-05-13T08:05:35Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>When I was in my first year of college, I ate and ate and ate...especially at breakfast. There was an unlimited supply of raisin toast, and that was the trough at which I fed. I gained a good ten pounds. This was a rebound from my anorexic last year of high school, when all sorts of stresses led me to find an answer to no sense of control in self-starvation. The "plumpy" time was short-lived; however, as I became very active, and the rebelliousness was no longer necessary, as I was out of the home and on my own.Since then, I've always been thin, but thin is neither healthy nor particularly womanly. I've been working out six ways from Sunday, and I am a petite hardbody at 62, and proud of it, even if the discipline sometimes annoys me.I do not watch reality shows. I know of them, but I just can't imagine how any rational person can consider these highly-produced dramas, with people pushed to bring out the worst in themselves as entertainment. Yuck.I just read that FOX has yet another so-called reality program in the works. FOX is teaming up with
"The Bachelor"
producer for a new dating-competition series that casts fat people. The series, titled
"More to Love,"
is billed as "the first dating show for the rest of us," versus the sexy babes and good-looking bachelors that we usually see on these shows. The show is considered "controversial," because there is some argument the viewers don't want to watch anyone other than "pretty people" do anything.The producer says,
"We want to send the message that you can be the size you are and still be lovable. We aren't going to 'thin' these girls down so they can find love - that's a backwards message."
I have my concerns. This is the network that aired such shows as
"My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance."
I worry that, in order to get attention, overweight types might be exploited for the "freak" attraction element. I worry that emotions are going to run higher and deeper, because these folks already have sensitivities and have likely experienced rejection in public, and public display (even though it's voluntary and in pursuit of their '15 minutes of fame') could hurt people. The "pretty people" shows have contestants used to acceptance and calls from agents for other "pretty people" opportunities. I'm hoping this doesn't get set up as a circus sideshow, which I think these shows are, even for the thin types. Viewers are not looking for true love to occur - they're waiting for the train wreck, the car crash, the suicide jump, as embarrassed and hurt people display their pain, and potentially, their rage.I know some of you might say,
"It's about time that the typical American man and woman
(who are, by the way, overweight and out-of-shape)
get to be treated on TV like anyone else."
Okay. I get it, but, my friends, this is ENTERTAINMENT, not a psychotherapeutically romantic venture.First, we saw on TV the pain and hurt of "pretty" types. Now we'll get pain and embarrassment for overweight types. Frankly, I find that reality programming is there because it is inexpensive to do, and because the population seems to have an inexhaustible appetite for watching people get emotionally and/or physically splattered. I thought those days in the Roman Colosseum were over, but I guess base nature doesn't change.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:35ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/449.html2010-05-13T08:05:34Z2010-05-13T08:05:34ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:34ZBreastfeeding in PublicStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Breastfeeding-in-Public/450.html2010-05-13T08:05:32Z2010-05-13T08:05:32Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>When I brought our one child into the universe, I pushed hard for 12 hours, but he must have been holding on for dear life, because I ended up having a C-section. I was a bit bummed that I couldn't just pop him out in 20 minutes like the 22 year old down the hall - humphff!They had to give me morphine so, of course, I was out like a light until morning. The first minute my eyes were open, there was the nurse with my little miracle. She reminded me that I had signed up for breastfeeding, and...well, here she was and he was hungry.In my sad little stupor, I mumbled
"I haven't been able to do anything right yet...I don't know if I can do this."
She said it was easy, and then showed me how to hold him. The side of his cheek touched my breast, his eyes perked up (typical guy!), and he went right on, and all the pain of the night before just evaporated and I fell in love. Imagine - my own body feeding my own child. Seriously cool!All of this is not idle reminiscing on my part. It is a lead-in to the story that there is a new Rhode Island law that allows a woman to breastfeed or bottle-feed her child in any place open to the public. This new law permits a woman to allege a violation of her civil rights if she is prevented from breastfeeding in public.Now, breastfeeding is very important, not only for the mommy/child bond, but to pass on the mother's immune factors to the child for the first 6 months, saving everybody time, money, and discomfort with infants getting sick. One might also suggest that it is the responsibility of the mommy to breastfeed for the health of her child, but there is more to the story.Dr. Laura Viehmann, a Breastfeeding Coordinator for the Rhode Island Chapter of the American Academy of Pediatrics said
"Too often, mothers are asked to stop breastfeeding, to move to a private location, or to cover themselves up when they breastfeed at a playground, at the airport, in a restaurant, or in other public places."
This is where the typical separation of
rights
vs.
responsibilities
occurs. I breastfed my son whenever he was hungry, wherever I was...but I never imposed this lovely experience on strangers at another restaurant table, or passers-by in the mall, or a pew in a house of worship. I would either go to a private place for the peaceful setting, or I would take a thin diaper and cover us both up...kind of like "tenting" us. While at that time, my breast was a source of life fluids for my son, as modestly endowed as I am, the breast is still a source of sexual stimulation to half the population. Perhaps women who breastfeed uncovered in public with men around should be charged with sexual harassment? While I'm kidding, of course, I don't think my point is a minor one.People are always "crumbing" about their privacy, and yet they're willing to show their underwear with pants that barely stay up, or skirts that barely stay down. My point is that while breastfeeding is a sacred, wonderful, natural part of mothering, it deserves respect, and we hardly show respect for something by parading it in front of strangers.I was a breastfeeding woman, and I always showed respect for the situational expectations of others. I also never brought our son to a fancy, adult restaurant when he was an unpredictably screaming baby. To me, breastfeeding is a sacred bonding moment between mother and child - like the passionate act that brought that child into being is between husband and wife. These sacred moments are private, and should be kept that way with a simple draped cloth.Exposing yourself in full view of potentially unwilling onlookers is less about bonding and feeding, and more about exhibitionism or disrespect for others, or an attitude that nobody else in the world matters - like that Sixties mantra of "if you don't like it, it's YOUR problem." No matter how you look at it, special things are put on pedestals and treated as special.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:32ZThe Pope, The Rabbi and CondomsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Pope,-The-Rabbi-and-Condoms/451.html2010-05-13T08:05:31Z2010-05-13T08:05:31Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>During his recent African trip, Pope Benedict XVI said that the distribution of condoms would not resolve the AIDS problem. The Pope has made it clear that abstinence is going to be the best way to fight AIDS.Google "Pope" and "condoms," and you'll never run out of reading material excoriating the man for his observation and opinion. Many health advocates have gone ballistic in their criticism of his comments. They feel it is one thing to promote abstinence as part of the Catholic religion, but that it is an entirely different thing to preach it to the world.On a person-by-person basis, wearing a condom does, of course, offer some protection against contracting various venereal diseases and (of course) unwanted pregnancy. It is also true that condoms sometimes break, slip, or are put on incorrectly (taut to the very end). Everything has its limitations...except abstinence.I remember listening to a rabbi describing a situation that occurred to his kosher family. His 7 year old child was invited to a birthday party for a classmate at one of those fast-food hamburger establishments. When he came to pick up his child at the end of the party, one of the mothers - clearly annoyed - chastised him for the pain he caused his son. "All the children had hamburgers, chicken nuggets, french fries and dessert, and your little boy had to sit there and eat none of it. Imagine how terrible your son must have felt? How could you do this to him? Food is food. There is nothing sinful about food. What you are doing to him is just cruel." Just about at the end of her tirade, his son bounded up to him, gave him a huge hug around the waist, and said "I had a great time. This was a fun party."The woman blanched and walked away. The rabbi followed her and gently told her the following: animals will eat whatever is around, even if it will make them unhealthy. Humans are to rise above animals and become masters of their urges. Imagine my son in a dorm room where harmful illicit drugs are being passed about. We already know that peer pressure and urges will not force him to relent and give in to the impulse. Learning at his early age to control impulse and desire is not a harmful trait - many times, it might be a life-saving one. Look at him. He enjoyed the company of your son and the rest of the children without giving up his values. He looks happy and satisfied. We really need to bring up our children to be masters of their instincts, not slaves to them, don't you think?The woman scowled, but listened to him.Yes, in any one instance, a condom could protect, but in the overall scheme of humanity, why do so many people wish to push away the enormous protective power of moral values?When the Pope suggests that human beings are best off saving their sexual passion for the stability of a covenant of marriage, he is making a statement that the act of sexuality is elevated by the context, and ultimately protects both man and woman from a myriad of hurtful consequences from venereal diseases to unwanted pregnancies (complete with abortions, abandonment, single-parenthood, and homelessness to name a few).The naysayers all have one thing in common: they refuse to want, believe or accept that human beings can commit to a higher spiritual state of thought and behavior. The Pope believes in us more than that.I am not Catholic, so this is no knee-jerk defense of my spiritual leader. The truth is that he is simply correct and too many people don't want to hear it, because they want to live lives unfettered by rules. It is sad that they don't realize that this makes them a slave to animal impulse versus a master of human potential.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:31ZStay-at-Home Moms Need PraiseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Stay-at-Home-Moms-Need-Praise/452.html2010-05-13T08:05:30Z2010-05-13T08:05:30ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:30ZThe Value of HonestyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Value-of-Honesty/453.html2010-05-13T08:05:28Z2010-05-13T08:05:28Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>As children do in general, when I was a small child, I lied to my parents when I got caught doing something I shouldn't have, or not doing something I should have. The reason why lying is so popular among children is that it is their attempt to keep out of trouble and avoid punishment.After a while, as children mature, they learn that lying is worse than the dumb thing they did (like eat all the potato chips before their parents' party started), because it
hurts the relationship by destroying trust
. In addition, lying brought consequences - dire consequences in the old days (spankings) and stupid consequences in the present (loss of cell phone privileges for a few days), or none at all (when parents are just too busy).Nonetheless, the value of honesty (as demanded in the commandment not to bear false witness) has been a cornerstone in this country's value system about measuring character in individuals.We already have way too many "role models" who actually make superficial lifestyles, drugs, casual sex, and domestic violence
attractive
to our children, making it harder and harder to tell them "
That's wrong to do, and if you do it, you will be publicly embarrassed, and your life will get off track
." There isn't much in society to back that statement up anymore.I am soooooo glad I don't have a young child at home anymore. Sitting at breakfast last week, watching the so-called news, I looked up to see Senate Banking Committee Chairman Christopher Dodd say (and I paraphrase) that the line in the federal stimulus bill which would have given over $100 million in bonuses to AIG executives - the ones responsible for the company's demise - if they were promised before February 11th, was nothing he knew about.
"When I left work after writing that part of the bill...that sentence wasn't there."
I sat there "chewing" on his statement, wondering what gremlin snuck into his office and typed that sentence while he was home in the bosom of his family. My question was answered within seconds as a second news clip was shown with him admitting the HE was the gremlin, but then he threw the White House under the bus with, "They made me do it."Now I am mortified.
"I didn't have sex with that woman,"
and
"I didn't' write the sentence that stole money from Americans to give bonuses to high-ranking losers"
have entered the ranks of the story about George Washington admitting to his dad that he cut down the cherry tree.I could see my kid right now..."Ah, mommy, what's the story here?" You said lying was bad, and bad things would come of it, like at least
looking
bad, but he's still going to be a Senator tomorrow."Millions of you out there have children who saw what I saw. What are you going to say to them about corruption at the highest levels that ultimately gets just a "wink and a nod?" What about all those courses in school where "character matters?" Where does it matter in public anymore? Some of you can fall back on "God knows, and for all eternity, it WILL make a difference." I like that a lot, except children don't think long-term, nor do they dwell on the importance of what they can't see.Asian countries have it right - they threaten people with the anger and shame of their ancestors. America has it wrong. It would seem to children that the only really important quality needed to become a public figure is to not give a damn about right and wrong or what people think, or that a lie is anything but an expedient tool with no meaningful consequences.Oh, yeah, the White House is acting all outraged about the AIG bonuses at the same time it is apparently the source of the benevolent donation to the failed executive fund of AIG. Is this what they mean by the "trickle down" theory?Were I to have a child by my side this morning, I would say: "Beloved child, when you read history books (and not the purged ones you get at school, but
real
history books), you will see that success and honesty are not necessarily bed partners. Nonetheless, never do anything you would be ashamed to have your kids know you did or have them do. I would rather you lost everything you worked for, rather than lose your soul." I figure the more you tell kids this from the day they're born to the day you die, we'll have some people in this life we
can
trust.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:28ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/454.html2010-05-13T08:05:27Z2010-05-13T08:05:27ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:27ZTake Credit for Being Credit-WiseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Take-Credit-for-Being-Credit-Wise/455.html2010-05-13T08:05:26Z2010-05-13T08:05:26Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>While it does interfere with the comfortable digestion of my breakfast, I usually watch the morning TV news for twenty minutes or so, just to see if anything important has happened in the world...and I have to watch carefully, as most morning TV shows just consist of cute exchanges, truncated conversations with important people, or the rehashing of stories that have minimal significance but maximum power to pull in an audience. Recently, though, I watched a story about how credit card companies are raising their interest rates to 30%, and how that might border on "usury" - which is supposed to be illegal. As a young adult, I didn't even have a credit card. I got my paycheck, put it in the bank, and used checks against what I actually had in my account in order to pay bills. If there was anything over at the end of the month (and if there was, it was very little, as I was making only $11,000 per year as a college professor), I considered it "splurge money" and used it on something stupid. Today, I've got lots of credit cards, but never pay any interest, as we pay off the bills in full the day they arrive. Admittedly, in between being a young adult and today, there have been some stupid and/or disastrous times when the use of a credit card put us in debt, and it took effort and pain to pay it off. I say all this to make it clear that I've "been there and done that" like everyone else. And ultimately, I think the answer is: don't use a credit card unless you have every cent in the bank to back it up. Don't consider it a
credit
card at all - consider it a
cash
card. In fact, you might consider only having a
debit
card, which means it can only be used in relation to what you have, and not what you wish you had. That way, you won't have credit charges which can rip apart the fabric of your life.Here's another idea: take the
time
to earn what you want - that special car, a home, jewelry, a vacation - instead of having your folks give you a down payment for a house you can barely afford. Take the time to build your foundation, and when you can finally afford the next step in your life, you'll feel much more accomplished, proud, special, and downright happy.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:26ZGettin' FitStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Gettin-Fit/456.html2010-05-13T08:05:25Z2010-05-13T08:05:25ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:25ZWhen Are Women Responsible?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-Are-Women-Responsible/457.html2010-05-13T08:05:25Z2010-05-13T08:05:25Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I can't even guess how many times I've read about some so-called "mother" leaving her kids in cars to die in the heat, either because she "forgot" she had a child, or she was busy with partying, and then the sympathy goes to....the mother!The same thing applies to women and their abusive "significant others" (choke). Recently, in North Carolina, a mother left her child in the care of a gang member. She
knew
he was a gang member when she made him her boyfriend-of-the- month. The self-declared Bloods gang member beat her 2-year-old son to death, with a combination of 41 blows, which ultimately burst his liver and caused his brain to bleed.According to the report in
The News & Observer
, the murderer will spend the rest of his life in jail, and there's no mention of the mother being held on any charges whatsoever: not negligence, not child endangerment....nothing.When informing me of this story, one of my listeners wrote:
"I am incensed that this woman was not fined or jailed as well. I guess our society no longer expects moms to protect their innocent, helpless children. No doubt, this is what the abortion mentality has done to us."
I thought about her comment, and it holds water. Mothers farm out their kids to daycare, nannies, and baby-sitters. The "feminista" movement talks about women having power, yet treats women as helpless victims of sexual harassment when they get meaningless comments about their butts, and suggests that only men are responsible for domestic violence.Power and responsibility are two sides of the same coin....or should be. To leave a child with a known, self-acknowledged gang member should be considered a criminal act, because it clearly puts a child in harm's way. As a woman and as a mother, I am shocked.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:25ZThe Dangers of Teen SextingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Dangers-of-Teen-Sexting/458.html2010-05-13T08:05:23Z2010-05-13T08:05:23Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>In the more than three decades I have been on the radio and in counseling practice, the saddest experiences (and the most difficult to be helpful with) are those where parents call to tell me their child is dead. The child may have been the victim of an accident, war, a crime, an illness, or a suicide. No matter which, the pain is unimaginable and the duration is infinite. It is against the "order of things" for our children to die first; and it is against the order of things for us to feel incapable of protecting our children from everything, anything, and anyone. The hurt and rage a parent feels is understandable. A desire to do something with that hurt and rage is also understandable. It is generally difficult to get a sense of closure or justice or revenge. And so many parents believe that, if they can get one or all of those, the pain goes away. It doesn't....not really.An 18 year old young woman in Ohio sent nude pictures of herself to a boyfriend. Apparently, this "texting" of private parts is quite the rage in the youth population. At some point, the relationship ended, and he, I guess, thought it would be amusing to send the photos to other students at the school.In May, 2008, the young teen went on a local Cincinnati television station to warn other teens against sending personal body part or naked photos to others, lest they also go through the harassment that she got, as students - mostly girls - called her a "slut" and a "whore." In spite of her noble efforts to warn other young people, and the gratitude she got from innumerable parents, two months later, she decided to kill herself, apparently as a way to avoid the painful embarrassment."Sexting" (as it's called) is a growing problem that has resulted in child pornography charges being filed against some teens across the country, because sending sexually charged pictures of minors is a crime One national survey found that 39% or more of teens are sending or posting sexually suggestive messages, and 48% report receiving them!This young woman was humiliated by the daily snide remarks, and she started skipping school. Her mother drove her to school to make sure she got there. Then, after attending the funeral of one of her friends who committed suicide, this young, tormented woman hanged herself in her bedroom.Of course, the focus for her mother is an attempt to punish those students or the school with lawsuits and criminal charges. The mother is understandably beside herself and wanting to lash out in rage. However, the fault doesn't lie in the stars. The openly sexual environment that children are exposed to makes these behaviors (like oral sex in middle school classrooms and bathrooms across the country) seem like the norm for the day. Girls have always wanted to make boys love them, and cell phone texting technology just gives young people another avenue to express their hopeful desperation to be wanted and loved.It was pathetic and stupid of her to send the picture; it was unconscionable of her ex-boyfriend to expose her to ridicule; it was disgusting for girls (competitive little witches that some can be) to make fun of her; it was brave for her to use her experience to warn others; it was too bad her family didn't get her mental health support or transfer her to another school; it was a deadly coincidence that her friend committed suicide; it is an unspeakable anguish that she thought this was the best solution for a "temporary" problem.I hesitate to write "temporary" because, with the Internet, such photos are forever, and those who wish to cause hurt to others relish in exploiting such mishaps for their own pathetic ego gain.Parents, many of your children have already done this via hand-held video cameras or computer cameras. Many of your children have already been "embarrassed," while others have become
more
popular. Very few will kill themselves, but even then, something in them does die, as what is precious and private becomes entertainment for the immature and downright mean. Parents, make sure your kids know not to become either.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:23ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/459.html2010-05-13T08:05:22Z2010-05-13T08:05:22ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:22ZMotherhood: A College Student's Singular ViewStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Motherhood:-A-College-Students-Singular-View/460.html2010-05-13T08:05:21Z2010-05-13T08:05:21Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I'm turning my blog today over to Sharen Cervantes, a sophomore at Occidental College, with excerpts from an article she wrote for her campus newspaper:
It's a testament to the changing times that single motherhood is no longer a lamentable predicament, but a choice, something pre-meditated and embarked upon with pleasure. An even
bigger
testament to the nature of the 21st century is the fact that more and more of these unwed mothers do not fit the archetype of the uneducated, hapless teenager.
According to a recent article in "
The New York Times,"
the number of college-educated women choosing to have children out of wedlock has increased by a staggering 145% since 1980, with most of the women in this pool of mature age (i.e., in their 30s, 40s, and even 50s).
Now, I support progress as much as the next person, and I'm especially supportive when it comes to women's progress. Up until a short time ago, women were bound to the household and familial unit, unable to aspire toward anything beyond domestic and childcare obligations....
Single motherhood, however, doesn't strike me as progress. While it may serve as testimony that the modern woman can single-handedly manage a household and act as a financial provider, it also denies the single-parent child something essential: a father. It's hard to explain what it means to have or, or why
not
having one is significant. The impact of a father's absence ranges from the trivial...to the vital (forever wondering what a father could have brought to your life, for instance). And there's just something about having a second parental figure in the house to forget or disregard a punishment when Mom is away. Things aren't always this rosy, of course. I'm enough of a cynic to realize that phenomena like divorce and negligent fathers make single motherhood almost more desirable than traditional husband/wife parenthood. But shouldn't the dual-parent model still be a goal?
I guess my biggest issue with single motherhood is its effect on a child's psychology.....The issue here is not ability. The issue here is efficacy.
What happens, for instance, when a single mother decides to play the inevitable dating game? Does she introduce these men to her child? It is even appropriate or conducive to an impressionable child to do so? Not in my eyes. It actually strikes me as rather selfish. It is
not
in a child's best interest to witness a slew of men (or even a handful) come into and out of his or her mother's life. It's even less permissible for a child to witness men coming into and out of his or her own life, especially when there's a strong chance of attachment on the child's part.....Attachment then leads to affection, affection leads to love, and love leads to a sense of hurt and loss if and when Mom and "Mr. Potential" end things.
Is this fair? No. Does this promote a happy and healthy childhood experience? No. Is this type of situation inevitable and nearly universal? Unfortunately, it is. So, really, why the suddenly-escalating need to put children in this difficult position? And what's wrong with a little tradition?
Progress may be great, but so are old-fashioned values. After all, isn't it especially critical that we uphold traditional ideals like daily family dinners and family game nights in today's high-tech, progress-driven world? It seems to me that there are already too many conflicting interests to which the family must take a back seat, including work and financial anxiety. The one point of stability in all this disunity and dysfunction is the mother/father/child dynamic. So, I firmly believe that it should be maintained.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:21Z"Please" is Now a Fightin' WordStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Please-is-Now-a-Fightin-Word/461.html2010-05-13T08:05:20Z2010-05-13T08:05:20Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>When I was a kid at the movies and got a little carried away with giggles or chatter with my friends, all an adult had to say was "Shhhh," much less something as aggressive as "Be quiet!" and all our little faces would turn red with shame, and we'd say "Sorry," and slink down in our seats.Now, you take your life in your hands you simply ask someone to please be polite. Fuggedaboutit! "Rights" (meaning you can do or say anything you damn well please, and if someone doesn't like it, it's
their
problem) have trumped everything from responsibility to compassion to courtesy to politeness.Case in point:
The New York Post
reported on what happened when a well-meaning woman simply asked a 21 year old loud, cell-phone chattering female to please lower her voice. The well-meaning woman ended up in the hospital after newly purchased, very hot coffee was thrown in her face, her hands were covered in bites, and she was kicked in the thighs with the 21 year old's high heels.The cell phone assailant tried to escape on a bus, but the victim chased her down the street to a nearby subway station. When police arrived, the victim pointed out her attacker, who was arrested on charges of assault, menacing, and criminal possession of a weapon (the boiling hot coffee). All this because the little twit was simply asked to keep her voice down.I don't go to movie theaters anymore, because too many people think it's their own private media hall, where they can make loud conversation and a racket with their candy cellophane. If you dare to just ask kindly for them to keep it down, most likely you will be barraged with profanity. And those who are nearby, who must also be annoyed, keep silent - it's the old "don't get involved" syndrome, which contributes to fewer and fewer folks standing up for what's right because others are too "wussy" to back 'em up.I love that many establishments "request" that cell phones be turned off, although I guess too many people either can't read the signs, or think they're somehow exempt because of their inflated sense of
their
importance above all others.It's getting to be a scarier world out there, and not just because of rogue nations, tyrannies with nuclear bombs, or terrorists with bomb-decorated vests. It's getting scarier in our own neighborhoods, because people don't feel connected anymore. There is a persistent "me vs. the world" attitude that is destroying domestic peace.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:20ZBebe the Wonder DogStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Bebe-the-Wonder-Dog/462.html2010-05-13T08:05:19Z2010-05-13T08:05:19ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:19ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/463.html2010-05-13T08:05:18Z2010-05-13T08:05:18Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
- Catherine Aird British crime fiction novelistStaff2010-05-13T08:05:18Z"The Bachelor" Is NOT A Guide for Real RelationshipsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Bachelor-Is-NOT-A-Guide-for-Real-Relationships/464.html2010-05-13T08:05:18Z2010-05-13T08:05:18Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>When the so-called "mainstream media" carries a story, one used to surmise that the information was actually important in some significant way to Americans. We all know that's largely untrue: stories today are attempts to splash the water in your face to get attention for ratings and commercial time or space revenue.ABC News actually had someone from their "ABC News Medical Unit" on to discuss the heartbreak of losing on the program
The Bachelor
. It seems that this guy first announced that he was "hot" for one babe, but them changed his mind, season ending "cliff-hanger" style) and went for another babe. He proposed, then changed his mind, and went back to the first of the two dumped babes. That set off fireworks with some silly blog site that targets I-don't-know-what-kind-of-women who actually care about this pseudo-intimacy.One of the dumb issues involved in this nonsense is that the babes have signed contracts that say they aren't allowed to cry or whine about hurt feelings until the appropriate time in the unfolding saga. They actually got "shrinks" to opine about the emotional and psychological damage that can be done to these silly babes (who I define as pretty women who exploit their looks and desire their 15 minutes of fame by going on these not-really-reality shows to find the love of their lives and the father of their future 84 children) if they don't get to "vent" their hurt!Oh, puleeze. First of all, this guy shows all the bonding ability of a flea in heat; these girls act like it's the end of the world if this "please me now/please me not" joker doesn't want them. Frankly, I think the jilted girl should go down on her knees and praise God that she won't be stuck with this guy for five more minutes of her life...unless, of course, he changes his rotating little mind again.The shrinks talk about serious consequences of getting to know someone and then getting excluded. Let's say the truth: they all want to look good, win the money, get TV/movie/recording contracts and/or turn to modeling. Getting dumped on TV is embarrassing, but throngs are willing to do so in order to get the brass rings the easy way.If anyone thinks that these people are actually looking for or are capable of bonding with the permanent "love of their lives," by going through this orchestrated "play-acting" on a television show, well, I've got a bridge to sell you...cheap.Do any of these girls get carried away? Probably. Girls do that - they want to bond, nest, be told they're beautiful and loved. Women (as opposed to
girls
) know better than to think that getting a paycheck and free clothes and makeovers is the way to get that true love.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:18ZBritney Spears and Kohl's Team Up...To Subvert MoralsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Britney-Spears-and-Kohls-Team-Up...To-Subvert-Morals/465.html2010-05-13T08:05:16Z2010-05-13T08:05:16Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Kohl's Department Store has signed a deal with Britney Spears for her to "represent" their Juniors clothing line - you know, the line for young girls. Part of this deal is to promote her music and current tour. Parents, here's a sample of what Kohl's sees as a great match for your daughter:
"Get Naked"My body is calling out for you, bad boyI get the feeling that I just want to be with ya'Baby, I'm a freak and I don't really give a damnI'm crazy as a mother 'effer'Bet that on ya man
Get naked...would you mind?Take it off (I took it off)Get naked.
Her so-called "Circus" tour is highlighted on YouTube. Ya gotta love the guys in leather thongs and those tassel pasties she sports. Frankly, she makes Madonna's Virgin tour look downright virginal.Kohl's Department Store
must
know that:* Her first marriage lasted 55 hours.* Her second marriage lasted a bit longer* She posed in the nude for Harper's Bazaar* She flashed a naked crotch at photographers getting out of her car* She has been busted for drug use* She lost custody of her children because of child endangerment issues* And on and on....just the role model for our young daughters of today.Did you know that Spears was named the "Most Searched Person" in the
Guinness Book of World Records
in 2007 and 2009? Kohl's probably thinks that "attention is attention" - what the hell if it sells junior-size schmatas?One of my listeners wrote a letter of complaint to Kohl's, stating that she is
"very sad to learn Britney Spears is a part of your store. She has had such troubles and still is not in charge of her life, nor has she been found competent to raise her own kids. You have elected to reward her and flaunt her irresponsible behavior. We will no longer shop at Kohl's."
I read the (probably) form letter that Kohl's wrote in response, which purported to
"regret that you have concerns regarding this decision. Ms. Spears is an international celebrity and pop culture icon who embodies the spirit of the Candie's brand and personifies the iconic 'Candie's Girl:' flirty, self-confident, and stylish."
Their letter goes on to say that Britney has a right to privacy (are you kidding? Twisting tongues with Madonna on a stage demonstrates a desire for privacy??), and her personal life does not reflect the views of Kohl's Department Stores.Flirty, self-confident and stylish? How 'bout "piggish, out of control, and irresponsible parent?" She is, however, PAYING Kevin Federline (a/k/a "Daddy") some $5,000 per week while she blasts around with this vulgar tour which should make billions.How stupid does Kellogg's now feel for dumping Michael Phelps for sucking up pot through a bong? They actually thought that values, character and role-model responsibilities mean something! Silly, silly them.You parents ultimately decide where your children shop and what they buy. Try being responsible and stand up for values.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:16ZToo Much InformationStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Too-Much-Information/466.html2010-05-13T08:05:15Z2010-05-13T08:05:15ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:15ZBribery?! Haven't We Been There, Done That?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Bribery!-Havent-We-Been-There,-Done-That/467.html2010-05-13T08:05:15Z2010-05-13T08:05:15Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The Health section of
The New York Times
on March 2 debated the usefulness of bribing school children with money, toys, candy and electronic gizmos to have them attain better grades.When I was in school, it was cute stickers and the pride of getting a good grade that you could brag about that made your parents all sorts of happy. The good grade was the proximate award for all the hard work. Getting the reputation as being smart was a good thing, and becoming valedictorian was great, as was qualifying for scholarships of all sizes for college. Spending a lifetime knowing you worked hard and earned what you had the hard way was the long-term reward.Now, some geniuses want to rob children of all of that. These greater minds than ours want children to fight for things of substance (money) rather than for things of glory (purpose). Not all endeavors have a high rate of financial return: a hospice worker helps the dying and their families face their fears of death; a fireman runs into burning buildings to save complete strangers from a horrible death; kindergarten teachers introduce our children to the world of budding independence, self-confidence, social maneuvering and the alphabet...and that's only a few examples.Frankly, we need more kind and compassionate people than we do more "A" students in this world, as it turns out that the greatest thieves (many CEOs, crooked politicians and Ponzi scheme giants), terrorist masterminds, and general sociopaths all have very high IQ levels and got great grades.How about us giving financial rewards, candy and electronic gizmos to kids who go out of their way not to bully, tease, steal, lie, sexually harass, or sexually act-out? Or to those who won't drink or take drugs or steal or backtalk their elders? Would
that
work, I wonder?Staff2010-05-13T08:05:15ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/468.html2010-05-13T08:05:13Z2010-05-13T08:05:13ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:13ZYou Are NOT The WorldStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/You-Are-NOT-The-World/469.html2010-05-13T08:05:13Z2010-05-13T08:05:13Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A frequent caller "issue" is this: someone in the family has died, and somehow, in the midst of everyone's grief, the caller has the time and energy to put anger and resentment toward someone who did not write, call, send flowers, show up, nor acknowledge the events in any way.Well of course this sounds strange, and perhaps even insensitive or even hostile, but there usually is another side to the story. The caller never seems to have any information or insight which might explain why this happened, and I'm left with a suggestion that they simply call or visit and see "what's up." This is generally met with even
more
anger as though I'm putting some extra burden on them when indeed they're the one who has been hurt or slighted.There are two explanations for this situation:First: when we are emotionally devastated by some sort of hurt or loss, it is not unusual (since we feel so out of control of our life's circumstances) to focus all of that pain towards something that we perceive as a slight. The "offending" person literally becomes a kind of emotional dumping ground for all our chaotic and excruciating feeling. In other words, we displace our grief into anger at someone or something concrete, because events often are not within our control.Second: sometimes, in our hurt, we feel unique and the center of the universe. Our pain is the only pain that matters or, at least, it is the worst pain imaginable and we expect everyone to care and be solicitous of us. When someone has issues in their own lives, we resent even having to consider that as important, and we can't imagine that interfering with our needs (or narcissistic vision of the world).For the sake of compassion, let us consider the "first" understanding as the most typical and powerful motivation and re-direct our energies into helping others who are suffering the loss right along with you - and not worry about others whose stories we simply don't know.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:13ZChaos TheoryStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Chaos-Theory/470.html2010-05-13T08:05:12Z2010-05-13T08:05:12Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Even though this is a quirky piece of news from Foxnews.com, I think it has a message about our society. An 11 year old Pennsylvania boy has been charged with killing his father's pregnant fiancé. He was in a county jail, but then was sent back to a juvenile facility. The judge ruled that it was in the boy's best interest to be in a juvenile center, even though he has been charged as an adult. He's accused of shooting 26-year-old Kenzie Marie Houk in the head, killing her and her unborn baby boy. Houk's mother said this boy had been threatening his dad's fiancé for a while. Now, what makes it quirky--he's 11 years old, it's his dad's knocked-up girlfriend...you know, it's got all of the salacious parts in it--that he shot her in the head (she's pregnant...you know, it's really dramatic). But it also points out something very important. Now, it is not usual for kids to murder the new love in one of their parent's lives when there is a divorce. That's very
unusual
; it doesn't happen every day, especially with a kid this young. But what
does
happen to kids when parents divorce or go off with other people, have more kids, shack up, maybe marry, maybe not, is that with all the chaos they start not doing well in school, they start experimenting with sex, drugs and alcohol. They get in trouble with gangs, they get very depressed, and they get into accidents which are really attempts at suicide. In other words, they act out in all kinds of ways, they show tremendous rage or turn completely inwards. We get lots of calls from people annoyed about how their kids are behaving after they're divorced and re-married and getting on with their lives. "
Why aren't the kids just conforming? Dammit.
" So this is a very unusual circumstance. But his pain and motivation is out there every day as you take away the kid's foundation, as you make him compete with other people's kids, new kids...whatever. And my guess? You're going to see more murders, or attempted murders from kids in these situations. Why? Because this goes all over the media and gives kids ideas. They go on the internet, they get ideas, and their little brains that are totally unformed yet...little ideas that are bad sound good when other people have done it. And they get in the paper and they get on the internet and they get on television. I suspect you'll see more of this. Up to now, you've mostly seen just self abuse. Self abuse, meaning everything as simple as not washing, not having friends anymore, not working hard in school...to self-mutilation, to addictions, to promiscuity, to illegal activities. This is a big notch up, don't you think? Especially when it all comes from the same place: chaos.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:12ZHow About Some "Reverse" Ageism for a Change?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-About-Some-Reverse-Ageism-for-a-Change/471.html2010-05-13T08:05:10Z2010-05-13T08:05:10Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I read in my local paper about a formerly wealthy 90-year-old man who now has a job as a "greeter" in a local store. It seems the company that managed his money was making bad use of Bernard Madoff's Ponzi scheme and all was lost...especially since this gentleman's once fully-paid-for home was re-mortgaged to get a third of a million dollars more to invest in this debacle.Ironically, one of the factors which keeps people alive longer and healthier in mind, body ,and soul is having work, i.e., some purpose and activity not only to occupy their minds and time but to challenge them.Coincidently, a dear friend of mine owns and runs a lovely hair salon. It seems that every month she complains about the "young thing" at the front desk. It seems young women can't be counted on to come to work regularly, much less on time and do their jobs as receptionists and appointment bookers. Obviously, this is not one of the highest-paid jobs in the universe, but young people today seem to feel entitled to "more" rather than grateful for "a foot in the door" and potential long-term opportunities.Here's where these two stories intersect: I told my friend that she should hire a retired, mature woman who would appreciate the extra money, would like contact with lots of people as colleagues and customers, and would probably love having her hair done for free. The mature woman would appreciate the excitement and daily mission, and my friend would probably get one of the most reliable workers she's ever envisioned.Were I hiring right now, I'd be a reverse "ageist" and get somebody with a work history and the maturity to appreciate an opportunity where they can still be important to somebody about something and get paid for it!Staff2010-05-13T08:05:10ZYou're Not Being Fair!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Youre-Not-Being-Fair!/472.html2010-05-13T08:05:09Z2010-05-13T08:05:09ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:09ZA Thirteen Year Old FatherStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-Thirteen-Year-Old-Father/473.html2010-05-13T08:05:08Z2010-05-13T08:05:08Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I'm turning my blog today over to a 15 year old, who wrote me the following:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Hi. My dad sent something to my email that frankly made me sick. A young 13 year boy is now the father of a baby girl that was just born last Monday. The fact that the parents of this young boy let him have a 15 year old girlfriend, and the fact that they support this, makes me angry.
This poor little girl is going to grow up with an extremely young mother, an even younger father, and is probably going to live in a broken home. These kids are not ready to be parents.
Fortunately, my parents are together and happy, and all my life I've been given examples of what a relationship should be. I'm 15, and will never make the mistake of getting pregnant before I'm married. I feel sorry for the mother and father of the baby, because they've been robbed of their childhood. They will never get the freedom now that I have.
I've listened to you for as long as I can remember, and I guess some of what you've been saying has sunk in. I was talking to my mom about the story and telling her how this baby needs to be given a good home with GROWN UP parents to take care of her. I couldn't help thinking afterwards "WOW! That sounded like Dr. Laura!" Thank you so much for your preaching, teaching, and nagging that helps many little babies just like this one.
It makes me cry to think that this story probably won't have a happy ending, and my heart goes out to that baby. Thank you so much for fighting for kids who can't speak for themselves, and being a great role model.
Laura O.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:08ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/474.html2010-05-13T08:05:07Z2010-05-13T08:05:07ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:07ZAm I Anti-Female?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Am-I-Anti-Female/475.html2010-05-13T08:05:06Z2010-05-13T08:05:06Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>"I love your show, but it makes me CRAZY when you subscribe to the double standard that men get a pass on being sexually cavalier but women are to be thoroughly and soundly condemned. Why, oh why, don't you condemn the men as much as the women? Why aren't they just as 'piggy' and deserving of condemnation? That societal attitude encourages men to attempt to use women sexually as their birthright and also encourages women to be insecure and distrustful of sex in general. You're putting a sexual burka on women overall with that attitude.
I'm not advocating casual sex. I'm condemning the acceptance of a double standard. Come on! There are two sides of that coin and each should assume major responsibility for engaging in casual sex. Until the act is equally condemned, how can women take those rules seriously?"
This is a recent email from a listener taking me to task for what she perceives is a sort of anti-female, double standard mentality. First of all, God and nature are responsible for the
reality
of a double standard. Women have breasts from which to suckle the baby born from their uterus after a nine month gestation. Women's high-pitched voices and hearing are geared for the infant-mother bonding that miraculously takes place right after birth. Women's temperaments to nurture, cuddle, coo, and protect are hardwired into their psychological programming. Women are
different
from men.There is no question that men more easily dissociate love and sex. Young males in particular are open to sexual experiences for the challenge, orgasmic satisfaction, and status among other males. These qualities are not synonymous with femininity.Women give themselves sexually to men out of love, a desperate desire to be wanted and loved, or for money. It is not typical, as it is with men, for a woman to feel proud of the number of men who have penetrated her; and the only women who look for the sexual challenge are those so twisted with anti-male rage that domination of a male is a form of psychological rape which satisfies that neurotic anger.Males are generally out of control every which way until they fall in love and take on the obligations and responsibilities of a man committed to a woman and family. All the research demonstrates that men who are married make more money, are healthier and happier, and function better socially than "loner" men. In fact, the deranged males who perpetrate horrendous acts of violence are generally such loner males with no families to make them feel important, give them purpose and direction...and love.Women are the taming and socializing force in society. Men will only do what women allow. Remember the ancient Greek classical play
"Lysistrata"
? The women in the town refused to have sex if their men continued to participate in war and violence. Poof, all the violence stopped. Women have always had the power over men; but feminism got women off the track of realizing that, and on the track to only hating or disdaining men.Now,
women
have largely become "pigs." Instead of embracing modesty, pride, values, and self-value, they parade around showing their bodies like Playboy bunnies, have sex before "hello," shack up with men without marital commitment, make babies on their own (declaring that men/fathers aren't necessary), use abortion as birth control, and don't imagine feminine sweetness has any place in marriage and are bored with sex with their husbands but turn on to every other Tom, Dick, and Harry. That is why men have little respect for women these days.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:06ZProtecting Electronic Insults Is InsultingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Protecting-Electronic-Insults-Is-Insulting/476.html2010-05-13T08:05:04Z2010-05-13T08:05:04Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A Connecticut state lawmaker is proposing legislation that would bar schools from punishing students for their electronic insults - even if they write them on class computers during school hours.This idiocy is in response to the punishment meted out to Avery Doninger, a 17 year old high-schooler who was disciplined in 2007 for writing a blog from home using vulgar language to defame and insult school administrators.School authorities barred her from running for office at Lewis B. Mills High School in Burlington as a "punishment."Her parents - of course-- are suing!I can't believe I heard the whole thing.On FoxNews.com, almost 100 people put in their two cents; the following was the most cogent of the bunch:
"'Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.' As far as I can tell, Congress did not impede on her freedom of speech. The child needs to learn that while she is free to say whatever she feels, there are repercussions to the things we say."
And there it is. You have the freedom so say whatever you'd like - without any consequences? I think not.Colleges and employers have recourse to Internet records and can judge students by the electronic trail they've left behind, according to Tom Hutton, senior staff attorney for the NSBA (National School Board Association). Well, let that be a lesson to adolescents who feel bigger than their britches with this pending legislation!The girl's mother
"wished her daughter 'had used more sophisticated language.'"
Instead of standing by the school punishment to teach her daughter the consequences of not thinking behavior through in advance of indelible actions, she's making it a cause for free speech. Oh please. It's another one of those cases of parents defending their children right or wrong because they don't want any criticism or don't want to risk their children's ire by punishing them for wrong- or stupid-doings. Imagine if the
teacher
had put on a website that this girl was a "douche bag." Would anyone defend the teacher or would he or she have to take sensitivity classes and then be fired anyway?We are getting way too far in
"The Lord of the Flies"
for my tastes.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:04ZSay "No" to Day OrphanagesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Say-No-to-Day-Orphanages/477.html2010-05-13T08:05:03Z2010-05-13T08:05:03ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:03ZThe Devil Made Me Do It!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Devil-Made-Me-Do-It!/478.html2010-05-13T08:05:02Z2010-05-13T08:05:02Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I was enthralled when on a vacation trip with my husband and then adolescent son, we visited the actual homes of the Anasazi Indians. The drive through Arizona was amazing, but climbing the sheer cliffs of the Anasazi dwellings was astonishing. They actually lived, with newborns and toddlers, in completely open 5-6 foot indentations in the rock with some six feet between where they slept and ate and played....from a drop of at least 1000 feet. I honestly don't know how many kids fell to their untimely deaths - but I guess that was a very rare occurrence as these folks lived there successfully for centuries.Contrast this to some irresponsible and outrageous parents living upstairs in a duplex in Oregon. A toddler fell out of the window and injured her head. Never mind that the mother had left this child alone with an open window...she sued the landlord. To add stupid to absurd, the jury found for...the mother... to the tune of $560,000!The company plans to appeal...I sure hope they succeed. The jurors actually held the landlord responsible for not telling the parents about the danger of open windows....DUH?I guess a primitive tribe of Indians has better sense than an educated, middle class woman living in a duplex with indoor plumbing.But what is with that silly jury? I'll tell you: it is part of the growing infantilization of American culture: be responsible for nothing...make somebody else responsible! This is a moral decline which will have more and more negative impact on America, which is no longer a "bootstraps" kinda culture...it has become a "bailout" kinda culture.Then again...remember Flip Wilson's famous signature line: "The
devil
made me do it!" Which is why I'm not responsible for these comments if you're offended.Staff2010-05-13T08:05:02ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/479.html2010-05-13T08:05:01Z2010-05-13T08:05:01ZStaff2010-05-13T08:05:01ZOctuplet Mom Takes Visa and Master CardStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Octuplet-Mom-Takes-Visa-and-Master-Card/480.html2010-05-13T08:04:59Z2010-05-13T08:04:59Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>It pains me to state the obvious. I hate to remind people to ignore the unimportant. I often find myself asking, why do people obsess about idiots who are doing the wrong thing? But unfortunately the idiots seem not only to stick around, but the stupider they get, the more the media wants to talk about them. And then they do something really dumb and I get really ticked off. The octuplet lady... Let's call her Ms. Mommy, because there is no Mr. Mommy in sight... is back in the news because, while she insists that she won't take government money to help support her self-centered decision to have her own private herd of toddlers, she will take Mastercard and Visa -- from YOU! Yes -- this mommy of 14 has launched a website soliciting donations to help her feed, diaper and toilet train these beautiful little gifts from God who, in reality, are now legally the chattel of the most narcissistic mother alive. So, if you want to make sure they get their Gerber's, you better pull out your wallet because begging for help from strangers appears to be this woman's new career path. Now, it would be nice if I could at least say that Ms. Mommy learned HTML programming so she could make her own website. Then, at least, she would have a skill that she could use (at home) and make some legitimate coin while the kidlets are sleeping. But no, Ms Mommy's got some Hollywood public relations firm to design and put up the site, complete with links to PayPal in order to slurp your money faster. So is the money raised for the kidlets going to pay the PR firm for their web design? Well, FoxNews says
"The website was created by the Killeen Furtney Group, a Los Angeles-based public relations and marketing firm retained by the mother following the birth of her six boys and two girls. Her publicist, Joann Killeen, declined to indicate how much had been donated thus far, but stressed that her firm designed the website for free."
Pro bono? More like Pro Promo. Joann Killeen was a bit more honest and forthcoming just a week ago when she acted like the mommy of the moment resembled a cash cow. The Los Angeles Daily News reported on February 3rd:
"Ms. Mommy retained Los Angeles publicists Michael Furtney and Joann Killeen on Friday and since then, the agents said they had fielded dozens of interview requests and offers for book, film and television deals. But Killeen said this morning that offers have not yet been reviewed. Some media reports speculated that Ms. Mommy might be paid as much as $2 million for an interview. Killeen said today she believes people will be 'very impressed' when Ms. Mommy begins relating her tale, 'and we will work with our client to decide what's the best vehicle for her to tell the story.'"
And all I keep thinking about is the 14 little children who desperately need a safe, secure home in order for them to achieve the American Dream while their mommy is whipping them around in her own personal nightmare. Is there any good news here? Well, apparently the Bimbo Mommy has decided no more kids. In her maybe paid for, maybe not interview on The Today Show, she told Ann Curry the octuplets were a sign from God that she should stop having children. And according to the Associated Press, "she also said she'll support her family on student loans until she finishes her master's degree in a year or two and finds a job." Well, I support her decision to NOT have any more kids and I'm just waiting for the website where I can donate money to have Ms. Mommy's tubes tied.Staff2010-05-13T08:04:59ZParental AbdicationStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Parental-Abdication/481.html2010-05-13T08:04:58Z2010-05-13T08:04:58Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Why am I not surprised when callers complain about the lack of respect their children display? Simple. Way too many parents never take on a leadership role in the first place. It is profoundly sad to me when I give some direction to a parent which requires them to draw a line in the sand and I hear back, "But my son/daughter will get mad or pout."A recent caller wanted to know how to handle her sixteen year old daughter who wanted to bring a boyfriend with her on a family cruise. I told her to tell her daughter that this was completely inappropriate and that she could go on a cruise with him when they were married adults.The mother just sucked in her breath and sighed in pain because, "She will just make our lives miserable." Well, we now know how this parent runs her home: she give the kid(s) whatever will keep them from needing to be actually parented. And, without proper parenting, these children grow up into out-of- control, disrespectful, entitlement-demanding, self-centered unhappy adults.Here is a letter from one mother who "gets it":
Hi Dr. Laura:
I just listened in amazement to the call from the mom who was afraid to tell her teenage daughter that the daughter's boyfriend could not come on a cruise with the family. Mom was afraid her daughter would pout. We have a teen daughter who would never dream of asking for a boyfriend to come on a trip with the family let alone pout if we said no. It's because as my husband smilingly tells the kids, we subscribe to the Reagan doctrine when it comes to child rearing: peace through strength.
Deborah
Amen to that.Staff2010-05-13T08:04:58ZPutting on Dr. Laura's Face: An Interview with Courtney BoyleStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Putting-on-Dr.-Lauras-Face:--An-Interview-with-Courtney-Boyle/482.html2010-05-13T08:04:57Z2010-05-13T08:04:57ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:57ZMichael Phelps Loses Kellogg's EndorsementStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Michael-Phelps-Loses-Kelloggs-Endorsement/483.html2010-05-13T08:04:57Z2010-05-13T08:04:57Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Kellogg's, the cereal and snack manufacturer, cancelled its lucrative sponsorship contract with Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps because he was caught on camera smoking marijuana last fall. Apparently, all the other companies with similar contracts did not cancel their contracts with him. However, USA Swimming, the sport's governing body, has suspended him from competition for three months.My point of view is "hurrah" to Kellogg's and USA Swimming team. They are demonstrating to the children and young adults of America that the perks of fame are earned in an ongoing manner with not only the accomplishment (Gold Medals from the Olympics) but a continuous responsibility to represent the team, the sport, and personal character with honor. Having consequences for bad judgment and stupid (as well as illegal) behaviors teaches children and young adults to think twice before sacrificing so much for so little.Staff2010-05-13T08:04:57ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/484.html2010-05-13T08:04:55Z2010-05-13T08:04:55ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:55ZDisgusted with Octuplet MomStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Disgusted-with-Octuplet-Mom/485.html2010-05-13T08:04:55Z2010-05-13T08:04:55Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I am writing this blog on Nadya Suleman, octuplet mom, under duress. I was told that a significant number of you wished for my point of view or comments on this occurrence. My answer was, "Do I really have to comment on the obvious?" I am disgusted with this woman for being educated in child developmental psychology and still intentionally robbing children of a dad (she had in-vitro fertilization with embryos from sperm donor) and the opportunity to get the kind of attention one out of fourteen children clearly won't get.I'm disgusted with the clinic and physicians who, knowing she already had six children and no husband or reasonable means of support (except for workman's comp lawsuits), and frankly, must be somewhat emotionally troubled, still impregnated her with multiple embryos -- more than the recommended number for a woman under the age of 35.I'm disgusted with the media for making a big deal about these freak situations without proper judgment and criticism and for starting programs for "freebee" bailouts with charitable support.I'm disgusted with Child Protective Services which I don't think has even considered taking these children away from this self-avowed baby-mill and placing them up for adoption into two-parent households, with a married mom and dad.Every Mother's Day my psyche is assaulted with front page stories coast-to-coast about unwed mothers' joy and glee and Mother-of-the-Year Awards to celebrity moms who clearly put their careers before their children (bless those who are "nannied!").So - this blog is in honor of and directed to the women who do it right: get married to good man who can support a family; wait until they're settled and have the emotional where-with-all to sacrifice in order to receive the huge rewards of mothering their own children.I'm sorry the media doesn't care about you...but your husband, your children, Dr. Laura, and a society grateful for the wonderful human beings you raise do care about you.Staff2010-05-13T08:04:55ZEndurance, Not Therapy, Is The Answer to Some of Life's ChallengesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Endurance,-Not-Therapy,-Is-The-Answer-to-Some-of-Lifes-Challenges/486.html2010-05-13T08:04:53Z2010-05-13T08:04:53Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>How did we as a people get so "knee jerk" about going into therapy every time we face a challenge or disappointment?One caller to my radio program was having her three year old son tested for muscular dystrophy, a devastating illness, and the results wouldn't be coming for two weeks. She wanted to know how to "cope" with the two week wait. I told her that she was simply going to feel stressed and scared - that was normal, and was to be "endured." She, like many others realizing they had to feel some emotional pain for a while, asked if she should go into therapy!I asked her what she thought the folks who blazed the trail west in covered wagons did when people died of illness or accident, or if the Indians attacked or food got scarce? Did they all line up in front of a therapist's tent to express their pain and look for a magic cure to get through the sometimes unpleasant realities of life, or did they pray, hold onto each other and ultimately....endure?She laughed, and said,
"I see what you mean."
We are sturdier creatures than we take credit for. I am a licensed therapist, and there are, indeed, situations in which individuals cannot endure, due to a distinct compromise in a person's ability to be rational, such as mental illness or severe trauma. In these situations, I refer people to mental health professionals. But most things in life that we must deal with often are best served with some love, some advice, some prayer, and an acknowledgment that sometimes life just doesn't feel good for a while.I have told innumerable callers that there is no quick fix for a bad situation - and sometimes, there is no "fix" at all. I tell them also to turn
to
each other (family and friends), rather than turn
on
each other with resentment, frustration, or anger.Much of life must be endured. There is still always beauty, such as seeing the flowers among the fertilizer, and there is always light (hope and alternatives).Staff2010-05-13T08:04:53ZImmortalityStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Immortality/487.html2010-05-13T08:04:52Z2010-05-13T08:04:52Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Kids (naturally) and adults (neurotically) worry about death. One recent caller's 12 year old son fretted about death a lot. He worried that because he is the youngest, all the people who matter to him will die before him and leave him alone.As a bit of an aside, all vampire movies have at least one scene in which the vampire, an immortal, laments that he's had to lose every wife he's had, because they've aged and died, while he remained the same: the emotional pain is horrible. Many a vampire character has rued not being able to grow old and die with his beloved.What do these two issues have in common? Simple. Immortality cheapens the value and promise of life. With "all the time in the world," there are no imperatives, no goals, no sense that every minute is important and should not be wasted. People tend to procrastinate like crazy when they're given protracted time to complete something. One of the most important aspects of life is that it is
not
infinite.Since we all have "x" amount of time to live (75 years on the average, without accidents or fatal illnesses), knowing that gives us the incentive to make the most out of each day.Children need to be reassured, but need more to learn how to "value" life, how to make "purpose," and not "fear" their focal point, and to enjoy those they love each and every day.Staff2010-05-13T08:04:52ZCleaning Up My Dirty, Sweaty HusbandStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Cleaning-Up-My-Dirty,-Sweaty-Husband/488.html2010-05-13T08:04:51Z2010-05-13T08:04:51ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:51ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/489.html2010-05-13T08:04:50Z2010-05-13T08:04:50ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:50ZHow to Choose A MateStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-to-Choose-A-Mate/490.html2010-05-13T08:04:50Z2010-05-13T08:04:50Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Recently, a male listener, with a very undeveloped maturity bone, called to complain about his new wife. It seemed that she was no longer the party girl he dated for two months prior to the well-thought out marriage, and he was upset that she was starting to "nest." How utterly disappointing and boring.I told him he had to dump her and find a drug addicted, alcoholic, promiscuous hussy to marry to keep the party going. And then I went onto the next caller. It was that kind of day.It is important, though, to know what you want when you date; it saves time and emotion. CNN.com recently posted a blog by Wendy Atterberry entitled, "
Seven Traits to Investigate on a First Date
." The seven were:1. Pet situation,2. Employment status3. Dream vacation4. Perfect Saturday night,5. Perfect Sunday afternoon6. Romantic aspirations ... dating for fun or marriage?7. Kissing style. My take is that #6 should determine whether or not to even have a date in the first place. I have told many women on my program that they should inquire as to the long-term intentions of the man before or at the beginning of the
first date
. "I'm dating to look for someone to share my life with and help raise my 84 children in a forever marriage...and why are you dating?" would be a good start as far as I'm concerned. If you both want to party, or only one is serious...it's important to know.Numbers 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, are interesting and have importance down the line for the sake of mutual interest and compatibility of lifestyle, although a lot of that can change when one is in love.Number 2, employment status, is another one of those significant facts to know before you agree to a date. Folks who are flaky, unstable, unmotivated or unprepared for adult lives shouldn't date.I was seriously stunned that the most important issues - for example, religion -- were left out. It is an important bonding agent to have mutual spiritual identities. Relationship with parents is also important, as it tells you a lot about the health of the extended family. The desire to have children and about how many is an important issue, as is the determination to raise and love children or pay hired help to "raise" them and watch them grow from a busy distance. Finances, debts, and philosophy of saving versus spending would be good to know in advance too. Hobbies and other activities which can both build interest and mutual experiences, or interfere with the relationship and leave someone lonely are important as well. Politics and life philosophy discussions would reveal similarities and differences (not always bad) in expectations, preferences, and attitudes Am I kidding? Do I really think you folks should talk this seriously on the first date? Shouldn't you just marinate in each other's furtive, sensual glances?No, I am not kidding. Yes...even before the first date if you're spending some "get to know you" phone time. And yes...romantic glances are wonderful.Staff2010-05-13T08:04:50ZJewelry, Pt 4 - Sacred PiecesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Jewelry,-Pt-4---Sacred-Pieces/491.html2010-05-13T08:04:49Z2010-05-13T08:04:49ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:49ZJewelry, Pt 3 ' The Creative ProcessStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Jewelry,-Pt-3--The-Creative-Process/492.html2010-05-13T08:04:48Z2010-05-13T08:04:48ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:48ZI Overheard Two Women GossipingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/I-Overheard-Two-Women-Gossiping/493.html2010-05-13T08:04:48Z2010-05-13T08:04:48Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>On a recent Sunday afternoon I was having my favorite salad (spinach salad - hold the dressing) at one of my favorite restaurants, when I couldn't help noticing two well-coiffed and dressed women having lunch (salads and pizza) at the table directly to my right side. I was not intentionally trying to listen to what they were saying - I promise you! - it's just that every now and then, the noise lulled and I could hear one of them say,
"Yes, she is so nice/smart/talented, etc."
. I don't believe they were talking about the same woman each time, but I was so impressed that two women "gossiping" over lunch were - brace yourself - saying nice things about another woman or women!When we got ready to leave, I went over to the table and admitted that I could hear some of what they were saying - although I wasn't really trying to - and that I was immensely impressed that having had the opportunity to be critical or catty, that they were both speaking so nicely about others. I further said,
"You two must be really nice people!"
They smiled at me - with distinct surprise - and one of them immediately said,
"You must be a nice person too to stop and say this to us."
Wow- a real "karma" moment. Why don't you look carefully around you and take the opportunity to compliment folks you see who are doing the "right thing."Staff2010-05-13T08:04:48ZWhy Men Choose to Be WussesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Men-Choose-to-Be-Wusses/494.html2010-05-13T08:04:46Z2010-05-13T08:04:46Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Lately I have chastised a number of male callers for being "wussy." This label is often pinned on their wilted chests after I give some great advice which requires them to actually stand up at home and proclaim: "I am a man - not an animal!"...oh wait, that's from the movie
"Elephant Man."
Well, basically the problem is that most men today are afraid of their women. Their wives can nag them into a grave and or cut 'em off from any affection, attention, appreciation and sex. That's pretty powerful stuff. And then women wonder why they don't have passion and respect for their men.I asked aloud on my radio program for men to tell me why they've cut off their own "giblets" by not taking care of business at home, even if their wives disagree with stuff that should be common sense (like the case of a 12 year old girl, who was wearing a thong and a short skirt which started and ended at her pubic area).Neil, a listener, sent this answer:
"As a faithful listener and devotee of your program, I have heard you scold men for being afraid of the wives/women, instructing them to act like or be a man. As a man, I heartily applaud your directives and only wish it were that easy - to simply snap out of a momentary distraction or passing lack of strength. Sadly and scarily, it is far from a mere lapse of attention or fortitude - we are in a veritable struggle for our male lives against an angry, entitled and politicized culture that belittles the role of fathers (sperm banks and single motherhood), demands equality just for starters and purveys an attitude of supremacy in schools (where two-thirds of today's college grads are females), the workplace and at home.
"If only it were a matter of putting our collective foot down and simply demand respect, most of us men, husbands and fathers, would gladly oblige...stepping up to the plate to shoulder our responsibilities to protect and provide and lead - as we always have. "But when you're fighting with one arm tied behind your back, skating on a sheet of ice as the rules continually change without notice, there's little chance of success.
"So, we back off, uncertain even of what it means to be a man; confused about what is expected, further unsure about what we will be allowed to do. And, while I pity the beaten man today, I fear even more for the women, families and societies of tomorrow, who will bear the consequences of all of this misguided anti-male/masculinity behavior today."
I second his concern.Staff2010-05-13T08:04:46ZExecutive Orders and Roe vs WadeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Executive-Orders-and-Roe-vs-Wade/495.html2010-05-13T08:04:45Z2010-05-13T08:04:45Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Transcription of Opening Monologue from Dr. Laura's program 1.23.2009
Dr. Laura:
Well, we have another anniversary of the Roe vs. Wade "you can kill the babies in your body" law. And there was a big march yesterday and, supposedly, our new president was going to be signing an executive order un-doing Bush's, which undid Clinton's, which undid the first Bush's (they went back and forth) about the government putting money in non-governmental foreign concerns, when there are abortions, so that we, the tax payers, wouldn't be paying for it.Now, apparently, there's going to be a lot of money in perpetuity, for the rest of all humanity, going to the number one baby-killing mechanism in the United States, which is, in my opinion, Planned Parenthood. So I've been beseeched and besieged with people telling me to go to war over this. I've given it great thought and slept on it. Me? I'm no wuss - if there's a battle to be fought, I'm there, with pearl-handled guns. No question about it.However, approaching this issue of abortion through the legislature and the courts is a lost battle. Totally lost battle, in my opinion. And since I'm big on personal responsibility and moral choices, that's where this ought to go.I am here every day begging, pressuring, cajoling, negotiating, nagging people to do the right thing, especially when it comes to their kids. Not divorcing, unless it's dangerous or destructive in some horrendous way, because kids need an intact family. Not to have kids out of wedlock intentionally, because that ruins their lives, statistically speaking, emotionally and psychologically. And not to have abortions. You live with
that
for the rest of your life, and there's a dead human being who could've been somebody really special.So, basically, I sit here every day, well five days a week, and put pressure. Pressure, pressure, pressure. I give the arguments I can, write the books and support, what I believe, are more humane decisions. And that's the way it's going to have to be. The law could say that it's perfectly legal to rip a baby out of your body anytime you damn well want. But the law can be there, and we can choose
not
to do it. It's not against the law to not have an abortion. It's not against the law to put a child in a situation for adoption. And, is the only time we're going to do something, is when there's a law? Can't we do the right thing without a badge in our face?So, in your families, you can teach your children that affordable housing means housing you can afford, not housing the tax payers can afford for you, but what you can afford for you. I've lived in some sad situations, but that's because that's what I could afford. So, for me, that was affordable housing. To say somebody else has to afford your housing is not the mentality this country was built on. And it's certainly not a mentality that makes you feel good about yourself. That it's perfectly legal to get pregnant, abort, pregnant, abort, pregnant, abort, pregnant, abort, doesn't mean it's something you
ought
to do or it's a
good
thing to do. It can't make you feel better as a person or a woman, when giving somebody you created the opportunity for life is a better choice.So I give up with the Planned Parenthood nonsense. That, to me, is just part of the evil empire...that place. And I give up with Roe vs. Wade. I give up with that. You're not going to get anywhere with that, folks. Give that up and turn to each other. Stop looking for the government to take care of this. Look to yourself. Influence each other. Do the right thing; be open about it. Anybody who's ever gotten pregnant in the wrong situation and put a baby up for adoption, say it out loud! Make it be a wonderful thing! Not a thing of shame, but a wonderful thing - that you were willing to sacrifice nine months of your life, plus the nine months it takes to get your body and mind back together again, in order that another human being, brought into this world by no fault of their own, no doing of their own, has a life. You should be proud of yourself. That's why when women call me and tell me they put children up for adoption they couldn't take care of, I tell them they're my heroes. So, stop looking to the government for the handout, the bailout, the law. You know what the right thing is to do. You know. You know the right thing to do. Unfortunately, since the beginning of time (read the Bible) the influences around you try to dissuade you from doing the right thing. Listen to the small, still voice: Your conscience that tells you the truth. Follow that voice. If not, follow mine. Okay?Staff2010-05-13T08:04:45ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/496.html2010-05-13T08:04:44Z2010-05-13T08:04:44ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:44ZJewelry, Pt 2 - The Bead SanctuaryStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Jewelry,-Pt-2---The-Bead-Sanctuary/497.html2010-05-13T08:04:44Z2010-05-13T08:04:44ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:44ZJewelry, Pt 1 - From Hobby to PassionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Jewelry,-Pt-1---From-Hobby-to-Passion/498.html2010-05-13T08:04:43Z2010-05-13T08:04:43ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:43Z"Impressions" of President ObamaStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Impressions-of-President-Obama/499.html2010-05-13T08:04:42Z2010-05-13T08:04:42Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I just turned 62. In my life, I have seen blacks go from the back of the bus to the White House. I have seen women gain respect in the workplace.But I have also seen an explosion in divorces. Abortions. Out-of-wedlock kids...on purpose.I have seen a collapse of the values that made and can still make America great. I have seen an abdication of personal responsibility in favor of the adoption of victimhood and situational ethics. There are many things that concern me about our new president. Many policies that frankly, make me nervous. But there are some things that I am impressed by, and hope he will set a tone and become a role model for our society.I am impressed by President Obama's work ethic. I am impressed by his clear love for his wife and family.I am impressed that during the campaign, Michelle Obama made sure she was home with her daughters 5 days a week.I am impressed that they have invited the children's grandmother to live with them in the White House.I am impressed that the first black president got there through his own hard work and not because of affirmative action programs.I am impressed that President Obama took the time to visit with some of our wounded warriors from Iraq and Afghanistan the day before he took office as Commander-in-Chief.Now, I hope that through these actions, our new president will serve as a role model for all Americans - to take their vows and responsibilities as seriously as the day they made them.And that's my take on today.Staff2010-05-13T08:04:42ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/500.html2010-05-13T08:04:41Z2010-05-13T08:04:41ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:41ZObese Woman Told to Get An MRI At The ZooStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Obese-Woman-Told-to-Get-An-MRI-At-The-Zoo/501.html2010-05-13T08:04:41Z2010-05-13T08:04:41Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I recently read a news report from Kansas City about a 5 foot tall, 275 pound woman who needed an MRI exam. The problem is that MRI tables often can't support heavier patients and the tubes into which the patient must be moved generally can't fit someone of her girth.You don't usually see body scanners that will accommodate bigger patients, because they don't provide the clearest images, and those that have large openings increase the possibility of the magnetic field dissipating into the room.The obese woman in question reported that someone at the hospital suggested that she could go to the zoo for an MRI as they accommodate larger critters. The suggestion was made to "help" and not to "insult." According to news sources, the woman said:
"I thought, I know I'm big, but I'm not as big as an elephant. And my husband got mad."
Sadly, she has a tumor on her spine, has had multiple surgeries, and now has partial paralysis. This event is purported to have happened two years ago.I've heard that there are some court cases to force airlines not to charge obese people for the two seats it takes to carry them. This is yet another situation where no responsibility is taken for being obese. What is it with our thinking that no matter what irresponsibility we demonstrate, the world is supposed to accommodate us?There is a difference between making access for folks who are in wheelchairs and making access for people who simply abuse their bodies and then demand that the consequences of their actions be borne by others.This woman eventually did find a place with an "open" MRI machine. I hope her treatment is successful and she takes from this experience some sense of purpose in getting her body more healthy, rather than anger that not everything will adapt to her. She has some responsibility too.Staff2010-05-13T08:04:41ZWomen Should Be More Accountable Than Men For the Well-Being of ChildrenStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Women-Should-Be-More-Accountable-Than-Men-For-the-Well-Being-of-Children/502.html2010-05-13T08:04:39Z2010-05-13T08:04:39Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I understand that Ann Coulter - not a woman to mince words - has been on numerous radio and television programs pointing out that most of the children and young adults with all sorts of emotional, educational, criminal, and relationship problems are the product of un-wed mothers. While on the television program "
The View
," the one conservative co-host challenged Ms. Coulter by suggesting that this is the problem because of the men who walk away from their responsibilities. The audience went wild with enthusiasm, undoubtedly happy that the "blame" moved from women to men.Frankly, my friends - that really doesn't wash. Of course a man should feel and be morally responsible and obligated to the children of his loins. However, women's bodies are the place where the creation and gestation of new life occurs - which gives them the greater obligation to be circumspect about when and with whom they have sexual intercourse. Many women, lesbian or heterosexual, are having babies without the participation of a father in the child's life ... on purpose! Many women have abortions against the wishes of the man who would be "father." The situation is therefore quite complicated.Yet the fact remains: the optimal circumstance in which to raise a child is in the bosom of a married mom and dad. Facts are facts, in spite of emotions. That there are exceptions gives hope to the few, and ignores the pain of the many.I hold women more accountable for the well-being of children because they have the majority of the power; legally, physiologically, and emotionally.Staff2010-05-13T08:04:39ZGirls as PigsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Girls-as-Pigs/503.html2010-05-13T08:04:38Z2010-05-13T08:04:38Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I'm very sad that, generally, girls today are pigs. I was speaking with a group of young men in their early twenties, about their social lives. They each admitted to multiple girlfriends with "overlap." Most of them expressed some disappointment that they really can't find what they know Dr. Laura would label a "nice girl."
"You think they are good girls, but the minute you show them some attention, if they're at all interested, they are all over you with zillions of daily suggestive text messages and sex. They're open for, ahem, servicing us, even before we've taken 'em out on legitimate dates - which can usually be just a visit to a bar or club.
"I think,"
one fellow continued,
"that just about all girls these days are pigs."
This made me very, very sad. Because the more that young women act like "pigs," the less respect and regard men have for women in general - and the less they hope and fantasize the blessed possibility of a lovely wife and mother to their 84 children.I opened the paper today to read about a young woman from San Diego who is selling her virginity on a website so that she can pay for her - get ready for this - education as a marriage and family therapist! Her sister apparently led the way by being a call-girl/hooker to pay for her education. Well, there is nothing new in women selling their bodies for financial compensation; what
is
new is the bold and cavalier way it is happening today. The young women I mentioned said outright that sex and virginity means nothing today. And this is the sort to help families and marriages? Are you kidding?When everything of value is demoted to "nothing"...then how is
anything
ever elevated to "something." See? That's why I'm sad. I'm sad for all these young men who have been taught by the piggish women of today that love, fidelity, and intimacy mean nothing. I am sad that our young men have been robbed of hope that they can ever be secure in a marriage, because how can they trust a cavalier "pig" to ever be anything else?Staff2010-05-13T08:04:38ZBut I Just Don't Feel Like ItStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/But-I-Just-Dont-Feel-Like-It/504.html2010-05-13T08:04:37Z2010-05-13T08:04:37ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:37ZI Got the "Look of Death" from My WifeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/I-Got-the-Look-of-Death-from-My-Wife/505.html2010-05-13T08:04:36Z2010-05-13T08:04:36ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:36ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/506.html2010-05-13T08:04:36Z2010-05-13T08:04:36ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:36ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/507.html2010-05-13T08:04:35Z2010-05-13T08:04:35ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:35ZHoliday Traditions from the Dr. Laura StaffStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Holiday-Traditions-from-the-Dr.-Laura-Staff/508.html2010-05-13T08:04:34Z2010-05-13T08:04:34ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:34ZHaving a Hard Time Letting GoStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Having-a-Hard-Time-Letting-Go/509.html2010-05-13T08:04:34Z2010-05-13T08:04:34ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:34ZThe Greatest GiftStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Greatest-Gift/510.html2010-05-13T08:04:33Z2010-05-13T08:04:33ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:33ZKids Don't Have To Go To Bed HungryStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Kids-Dont-Have-To-Go-To-Bed-Hungry/511.html2010-05-13T08:04:32Z2010-05-13T08:04:32Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>At a recent media fundraiser, I was asked how a parent in southern California could best tell a child why he or she would have to go to bed hungry. My answer (which was met with some silence) was that in southern California, there is absolutely no reason for any child to go to bed hungry, and that parents should do whatever it takes, legally, to make sure that didn't happen.That means going to your local church and other available community resources for temporary assistance, getting some part-time, even menial, work in the evening for some extra income, going to "big box" stores with friends or relatives to pool your resources and buy cheaply in bulk....I could go on and on.I remember one point in my own family's life when we went through every pocket of every jacket and pair of pants, every drawer, and every little "box-like" entity in the house to pool together enough money to go to McDonald's with our son. I remember crying in the mall one day, because we didn't have enough cash for a second pair of shoes for him. I remember being angry and scared, and I remember hunkering down with my husband to figure out how to solve the problem. I've been there.
Dave Ramsey
is in print and on just about every television program, giving good advice on what to do about your financial situation. Check him out.Staff2010-05-13T08:04:32ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/512.html2010-05-13T08:04:31Z2010-05-13T08:04:31ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:31ZBlessings in DisguiseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Blessings-in-Disguise/513.html2010-05-13T08:04:30Z2010-05-13T08:04:30Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I have always been impressed with the mentality of the Mormons with respect to the issue of charity. I had a tour of their main charity facilities, and was amazed at what I saw and learned. There are absolutely no handouts – they
barter
!Here’s how it works: if you could lose your home, or if you need food, clothing, medicine or toys for your children, the Church takes financial care of your needs. In
exchange
, you provide services to the very mechanism that rescued
you
. This means that folks in the bakeries are people who have benefited from the charitable services; those helping in the stores that sell thrift clothing, housewares and food are those who have benefited from the charitable services, and so on.The basic concept is to preserve a sense of dignity and pride in those who have temporary need by giving them an opportunity to use their skills in the service of others. Walking around the premises, I felt the uplifted attitude of all who were there: smiles, waves, and straight backs.The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints provides for people all over the world – not only with goods and goodwill, but with the opportunity to not lose a sense of self when “things” are lost. I probably sound like an advertisement for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am not a member of their religion, but I am impressed with their charitable philosophy, because I believe it teaches our children their real value, while motivating and uplifting them at the same time.Their young people who graduate high school are expected to go on two-year “missions,” reminiscent of the Peace Corps. These young people come back much more mature, as they’ve experienced the pain and need of others, and have sacrificed two years of their own comfort to be of service to others.Other youngsters just don’t want to skip a beat in their acquisition of iPods, cell phones, and other “Internet in your hand” gadgets.I believe that the economic disaster our country is in right now is a kind of blessing in disguise with respect to values. Without values, life just provides us with “things,” but not necessarily with any profound meaning.Staff2010-05-13T08:04:30ZEconomic ChallengesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Economic-Challenges/514.html2010-05-13T08:04:29Z2010-05-13T08:04:29Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I cannot even estimate how many recent callers fall into two discrete, and unfortunate, categories: the first are largely women calling to find out how they can better deal with the bitter resentment they have toward their husbands, because of economic stress; the second are largely men calling to find out how they can better deal with the feelings of failure as a man because of economic stress.To the women, I say "Unless he actively burned money in the basement, gambled it away, or spent way, way, way over budget, your fears are turning into rage toward the one person you should turn
to
, and not
on
." When they (generally) limply come back with "Yes, he spent more than we had," and
I
come back with "And, didn't you?" then the meeting is called to order.To the men, I say, "I am heartened that you see your responsibilities so clearly, but you are letting your shock get in the way of your problem-solving skills. You see a hungry tiger in your living room, salivating over your kids. Shock sets in, and you can be depressed that you don't have a stun gun or you can't figure out another way around that tiger to save your family. We indulge in the shock and sadness of it all, but now it's time to see the challenge."I have teenagers with small incomes from part-time jobs call, wondering if they have to "share" with their parents who are up against it. Can you imagine that? Instead of being rather excited about the ability to contribute to the family at a time of crisis, many of our teens are only looking out for "Number One."All cities are having charity drives not only for the holiday season, but for victims of fires and personnel layoffs due to incompetency in government and private industry. Most of the time, this issue is food, but sometimes children's lists include iPods and laptops! Can you believe that? What have we taught our children about humble survival and retrenching when they are still focused on high-priced electronics?Staff2010-05-13T08:04:29ZBusiness EthicsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Business-Ethics/515.html2010-05-13T08:04:28Z2010-05-13T08:04:28ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:28ZRaising Children With ReligionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Raising-Children-With-Religion/516.html2010-05-13T08:04:28Z2010-05-13T08:04:28ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:28ZBeware of Germy GymsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Beware-of-Germy-Gyms/517.html2010-05-13T08:04:27Z2010-05-13T08:04:27ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:27ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/518.html2010-05-13T08:04:27Z2010-05-13T08:04:27ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:27ZCelebrity Teen Motherhood Hurts KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Celebrity-Teen-Motherhood-Hurts-Kids/519.html2010-05-13T08:04:25Z2010-05-13T08:04:25Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>With all the hoopla surrounding celebrity minors who get pregnant – out of wedlock – everyone seems to forget or ignore the price that their children pay. Obviously, a Jamie-Lynn Spears or a Bristol Palin has a source of financial and family support, but that situation is the exception and not the rule. Glorifying teen motherhood and supporting it (think of John McCain with Bristol Palin’s “baby daddy” in a photo-op, for goodness sakes) does a gross disservice to the realities of the situations.Babies need adult parents – a Mom and Dad, who are (preferably) married. Or are babies just accessories to be called “cute,” and then passed on to the hired help?A recent study by the Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy pegs the annual cost to taxpayers at almost $10 billion per year. Spread that wealth! Less than 40% of teen mothers earn a high school diploma, and their children are far, far more likely to go into foster care and eventually end up in prison than children born to even slightly older mothers, writes University of Delaware economist Saul Hoffman in
Kids Having Kids: Economic Costs and Social Consequences of Teen Pregnancy
.Linda Lausell Bryant, the Executive Director of Inwood House, a New York non-profit that assists teen mothers is frustrated by the racial issues involved. The vast majority of girls are black or Hispanic.
“It’s a double standard. If you’re a poor kid of color, it’s a bad thing. If you’re affluent and white, it’s not so bad.”
She explained to the Associated Press that many of the girls served by Inwood House had already dropped out of high school before they got pregnant, and saw motherhood as a chance to add meaning to their lives, which may have been punctuated with abuse, abandonment and/or chaotic homes.
“It is a dream,”
she says,
“of raising a child the way they wish
they’d
been raised – being the kind of mother they never had. That’s the fantasy – it’s very powerful.”
Our celebration of teen pregnancies leads young girls in the wrong direction: increasing poverty, despair, child abuse, abandonment, and even infanticide. Why am I one of the only voices in the media stating that what Bristol and Jamie-Lynn did was wrong?Staff2010-05-13T08:04:25ZBegging to Come HomeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Begging-to-Come-Home/520.html2010-05-13T08:04:24Z2010-05-13T08:04:24ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:24ZSolving Lipstick on the MirrorStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Solving-Lipstick-on-the-Mirror/521.html2010-05-13T08:04:24Z2010-05-13T08:04:24Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A listener sent this in and there's a punch-line:According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. The maintenance man took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. THE MORAL OF THIS STORY: There are teachers, and then there are Educators.Staff2010-05-13T08:04:24ZKids and Questions About the Tough StuffStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Kids-and-Questions-About-the-Tough-Stuff/522.html2010-05-13T08:04:22Z2010-05-13T08:04:22Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I'm a licensed psychotherapist (MFT), and I'd like to offer the following to help you parents deal with your children when so much that is scary to them is happening locally and internationally.It is impossible for your children to not notice things like fires burning homes down, or hearing about gang violence, murders of children, store robberies and the like. It is natural for parents to want to protect their children from ugly realities and have them immersed in their innocence as long as possible; it's just a bad idea not to answer their questions, even when the subject matter brings a sense of horror to your own heart.I've gotten a number of emails inquiring about how to answer questions like:
"Why would God let all those homes burn down?"
As children develop their notions of the Divine from whatever house of worship you attend, they tend, with their yet immature perspectives, to equate God with one of the characters in a Disney feature film with a magic wand, carpet or genii."Honey, God didn't burn down anybody's home; God created all the wonderful trees and flowers, and left it up to us to keep them trimmed, make our homes as fire-safe as possible, and not be careless with fire...as were those college students at the Tea Garden in California."An answer such as this places responsibilities on humans to take care of all their blessings, lest unfortunate, sad, and desperate things happen.
"Dad,"
your child may have asked after Black Friday,
"Why did those people crush the man in Wal-Mart?
" "Sweetie," sometimes people get so focused on what they want or what they
think
they need - you know, they get greedy-that they don't even notice they are hurting other people's feelings or bodies."
"Mommy, why are those terrorist people blowing other people up all over the world?"
"My love, there are people who wish to believe that they and their way of living and believing about God is the only way. When people are unable or unwilling to share the world with others' beliefs (as long as those beliefs do no harm to others), this is the sort of ugly thing that they do."
"Mom, will they come here to get us too?"
"Well, sweetie, it is possible and that is why we have so many police all over the world getting information and doing things to stop them. Since 9/11, we've been saved by our government staying alert. And God forbid, should something more happen here, we will have the courage to stand against it.I realize I sound like I'm politicizing some of these issues, and I don't really mean to. I'm simply pointing out how I believe you, as parents, should handle the questions your children ask. Don't hide from the questions; don't lie for the sake of a false sense of security. Children need to know - age appropriately - the realities of life within the context of something they can hold on to to feel safe or at the very least, prepared.Some of the situations you'll have to contend with are far more personal. For example,
"Why is Mom/Dad leaving us?" "Grandpa died when he was asleep. Could I die when I go to sleep?" "Cousin Andrea is having a baby and she's only 15 years old. Can I have a baby, too?" "Why did Uncle George kill himself? What made him so sad? I get sad too sometimes."
In each situation, you must fill the vacuum of the child's lack of understanding with something that makes sense - or
they
will fill it with ideas that are far more destructive than the truth. Always be reassuring that they are loved, will be taken care of, and that because something happens to someone they love, it doesn't mean it will happen to them.And always try to leave a moral message. For instance, "As for Cousin Andrea, don't you think it is better for a baby to have a grown-up, married Mom and Dad like you have?" This answer takes it from the "romantic" and brings it home.Staff2010-05-13T08:04:22ZBabies Need Love, Not Day CareStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Babies-Need-Love,-Not-Day-Care/523.html2010-05-13T08:04:20Z2010-05-13T08:04:20Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>This letter is from a listener who wishes to remain anonymous:
Dr. Laura:I totally agree with you about how bad day care is, and how damaging it is for children. Recently, I saw a mother who had just picked up her 18-month-old daughter from day care at 6 o'clock! That's basically what time
my
kids go to bed! The baby was crying, grabbing at the mother's skirt, and refusing to let go. The mother was getting annoyed, and kept saying, "Why are you acting like this? What's wrong?"
I felt so upset. What a dumb question! You neglected your baby for the entire day, she missed you, and is exhausted and stressed, and you're
surprised
that she's acting that way?
I would think that a mother who has her child in day care the entire day would be the one crying and showering love and attention on her baby instead of getting mad at her. The baby should be mad at the parent, not the other way around.
And then, because parents don't see their baby all day, they put them to bed too late, which makes them more stressed and makes it even harder for them to cope with their emotions in day care. When we, as parents, are tired, it's hard not to be fussy. Well, imagine what it's like for a baby! It's MUCH harder for them to handle being tired. Parents need to do what's best for their children, not what's best for themselves, and if they don't want to, or if they think their children shouldn't stand in the way of their doing what they want, then don't have them!
Why bring children into the world to give them to others to raise? Why bring children into the world if you are giving them the message that your job and your life are more important than them? For those that say "Well, I'm just not the type to be home with my kids," or "I can't handle being with kids," then don't have them!
I know of far too many babies that get attached to their nannies, and spend more time with them than with their own parents. These babies wonder why their "parent" (that is, the nanny) is leaving them for the night. Not only do they not have their real parents during most of the day, but then they don't have their "nanny parent" either.
Sometimes, people say "I want my kids to have the best - the best car, the best house, the best toys." Believe me, things are not what makes a baby happy. Love and attention and kindness are what makes them happy.
How sad.
And then people wonder why children are so troubled, and why they "act out,"and why they would do anything for attention. If a mother MUST work to feed her family, I understand, but the attitude shouldn't be that day care is the
first choice
. The attitude needs to be "how sad that she cannot care for her baby."
I think it's nuts that people think it's sad that my baby is home with me. She is definitely happier than all the crying babies in the playground, but all the working mothers will never know that their babies are crying, falling, or are just plain exhausted.Staff2010-05-13T08:04:20ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/524.html2010-05-13T08:04:19Z2010-05-13T08:04:19ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:19ZSocial Networking for TotsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Social-Networking-for-Tots/525.html2010-05-13T08:04:18Z2010-05-13T08:04:18Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>If I were any more disgusted with modern parenting my head would explode. I just about screamed so loudly that they could hear me in Dallas, where the
Dallas Morning News
published a piece with the headline: "Social Networking Sites Cater to Moms and Babies." What? What? What? Internet social networking for babies? What the heck does that even mean?I'll tell you what it means: it's another self-centered, insensitive, lazy, neglectful way for most mothers to pretend they actually care about their children and are making the sacrifices and efforts to give kids what the kids NEED.Here's a great comment from the article:
"The messages, of course, are from parents, usually moms, who say sites such as TotSpot provide them with TIME-SAVING ALTERNATIVES to PLAY DATES and FACE-TO-FACE RELATIONSHIPS..."
[Note: The capitalization is mine].So let me understand this...these so-called mothers spend time on the computer posting pictures and descriptions of their kids to virtual strangers (which we now call virtual "friends") and get texted back with the saying, "You've been tickled," and they assume that this in any way serves any need for any baby or toddler?Other equally ridiculous mothers (and all these women actually gave their real names...is there no shame?) are quoted as saying that they don't have time (what happened to MAKING time) for actual play dates...this way they can connect with moms and kids without leaving the house or the office.Since when were play-dates only about the moms? I always thought play-dates were about introducing children - FACE TO FACE - to other children, adults, environments, pets, experiences, and so forth. I didn't realize play-dates were just "jabber jabber" time for busy busy women who seem to wish to live in a virtual world rather than the concrete one their children will have to deal with eventually. These are probably the kind of women who get crazed when their husbands choose to do the same with naked women on the internet.Aside from the oh so obvious problems with parents putting information about children on the internet (a pedophile's play land), it directs children (from the time they're infants and toddlers) toward a life on the computer instead of in the park, the back yard, the street, a friend's home, etc.Many of the parents spoke about being "proud" of their babies and wanted to show them off and have them - even before they can burp on their own - have their very own social web page. This is so utterly pathetic.This is all about three things:1. FEELING, versus BEING connected.2. FAKING being a parent who nurtures, protects, teaches, and loves by a web page 3. SHOWING off your child and text-gossipingLet me go back to that one most damning statement in the
Dallas Morning News
piece:
"The messages, of course, are from parents, usually moms, who say sites such as TotSpot provide them with time-saving alternatives to play dates and face-to-face relationships, while helping them connect with parents and children in nontraditional ways."
We've come a long way, baby...we've become women...mothers...who are too busy to introduce our kids to life. Great.Staff2010-05-13T08:04:18ZLaw & Order and Mumbai TerroristsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Law--Order-and-Mumbai-Terrorists/526.html2010-05-13T08:04:16Z2010-05-13T08:04:16Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I am a woman of certain habits. I like the same breakfast everyday (raisin bran with blueberries and skim milk and one fried egg inside a toasted English muffin....for those of you who are curious), and I love to have my before-radio-show lunch while watching re-runs of
Law & Order
on television.Yesterday, they played an episode which was timely, considering the recent Islamic terrorist attacks in Mumbai, India targeting innocents in general and citizens of Britain and America and Jews in particular - the latter who were tortured before being murdered in cold blood. Over 200 persons were murdered; about 400 injured. Nine of these Muslim terrorists were killed by Indian commandos. One has been captured and has given information about this highly organized conspiracy and its training roots in Pakistan. For my purposes here...one ray of sunlight: All of the Muslim cemeteries have refused, according to a
Wall Street Journal
account, to bury these nine Muslim terrorists. How about that!Now back to the parallel with yesterday's
Law & Order
re-run. A Muslim- American is found dead...beheaded. It is all set-up to look like bigoted Americans killed him just because he is Muslim. It turns out, after a lot of posturing about prejudice against Muslims, that this man was killed by his own cousin: a bona fide terrorist trying to bring uranium into the U.S. to deploy in Manhattan to kill as many Americans as possible. The beheaded man was informing on his cousin and all of those in the neighborhood conspiracy. That's why his own people killed him.The Imam, the local religious leader, is lying to the police to protect the murderous cousin because they threatened to kill him if he didn't. The Imam is measuring his importance to the community against his responsibilities to the laws of America -- laws of decency and morality, really.In a touching interaction between the Imam and the District Attorney, the DA asks the Imam if he is a Muslim first or an American first. The Imam struggles with that, saying that he has been working very hard to keep young people in his mosque from getting recruited into terrorism and he would lose that. The DA points out that the dead man's wife lost everything. It is left there.In court, the black defense attorney, playing into the "race card" questions the Imam about his client's whereabouts during the murder. At first the Imam lies. Then he tells the entire truth: about the uranium, the murder, and the plot to decimate all of New York City. The murderer is convicted, but the Imam's mosque is burned to the ground -- retribution from some in his community.There is a last minute angry exchange in Arabic as the murderer is removed from the court. The DA asks the Imam what they both said. The murderer said, "Burn!" To that, the Imam had replied, "I love America."To that "fictional" Imam and to those who run the Muslim cemeteries in India refusing to accept the bodies of mass murders my admiration, my respect, my appreciation, my prayers, and my hope that more will join you to "out" or "reject" those who perpetrate evil.Staff2010-05-13T08:04:16ZIs Disney Corrupting Kids?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Is-Disney-Corrupting-Kids/527.html2010-05-13T08:04:15Z2010-05-13T08:04:15Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>"Disney Accused by Catholic Cleric of Corrupting Children's Minds," was headline from
The UK Telegraph
that obviously caught my eye and curiosity. I grew up with all the Disney cartoon movies...and save for Snow White shacking up with a lot of dwarfs with funny names - but no funny business - I can't think of anything corrupting about that Disney era.In fact, moral stories were always at the center: good guys and gals were ultimately saved and rewarded; and bad guys got their comeuppance in spades. What possible problem could Christopher Jamison, the Abbot of Worth in West Sussex, England have with Disney?He argues that the Disney Corporation pretends to provide stories with a moral message, but has actually helped to create a more materialistic culture which is in danger of losing its soul because of growing consumerism and the decline of religion. Whoooo. He's got something there. These movies are wolves in grandma's clothing? They present a dichotomy of good and bad and then market the heck out of it and make oodles of money seducing kids into buying all kinds of junk in the image of the cute - or nasty - images on the screen.Father Jamison targets the behavior of Disney in particular, which he says is "a classic example" of how consumerism is being sold as an alternative to finding happiness in traditional morality. While he acknowledges that Disney stories carry messages showing good triumphing over evil (i.e., moral battles) he argues that this is part of a ploy to persuade people that they should buy Disney products in order to be a good and happy family and make them greedy for the merchandise that goes with them.While Father Jamison makes an obviously good point...it is a matter of the free market. I don't begrudge Disney trying to make a buck selling stuffed animals and t-shirts based upon their story characters. I do begrudge the weakness of parents saying, "Yes, dear," each time their child yells and demands something. How 'bout instead of giving in so readily, you tell them to save up their money from putting out the trash or collecting leaves so they can buy their heart's desire for
"101 Dalmatians"
plastic or stuffed dogs? The children will learn patience, and the art of saving toward a goal - actually gaining pride in earning what they desire. In fact, after they work that hard and that long, that toy may not look as nearly as interesting a use of their hard-earned change. This way, your children learn self-discipline, self-control and a real appreciation for the value of "junk," so they can make an informed decision as to how important it really is to them.Staff2010-05-13T08:04:15ZWishin' and Hopin', but Ignoring What IsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Wishin-and-Hopin,-but-Ignoring-What-Is/528.html2010-05-13T08:04:14Z2010-05-13T08:04:14ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:14ZCyber HarassmentStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Cyber-Harassment/529.html2010-05-13T08:04:13Z2010-05-13T08:04:13Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I'm just sickened to hear the news that Lori Drew was only convicted on three misdemeanor counts of unauthorized access to computers after she, her then 18 - year-old assistant, and her teen daughter plotted to humiliate a neighbor 13-year-old...who ended up killing herself because of the emotional pain she endured at their fingertips on the computer keys.You've probably heard the story: the young girl committed suicide in October of 2006 after the end of her online relationship with a fictitious 16-year-old-boy created on a fake MySpace account. According to various news reports, the trio used the account to contact and befriend Megan. Within a few days, Lori Drew encouraged her daughter and her assistant to on-line flirt with Megan; they planned to lure Megan to a mall to confront her with the hoax and taunt her.As things go and grow, another neighborhood girl got involved in the whole thing and sent Megan a message - as if she were the fictitious boy - that he didn't want to be friends anymore. Lori Drew's assistant then, according to the District Attorney, wrote, "the world would be a better place without you in it."Twenty minutes later, Megan's mother found her hanging from her belt in her bedroom closet.I'm not a lawyer and I don't really understand all the legal machinations about what criminal behavior this planned cruelty constitutes, but it's clear that there's no real punishment for people who misrepresent themselves on an internet chat site with the INTENT to do emotional harm to a child known to have several psychiatric disorders. Federal and state laws appear to be mute on this issue, and while companies like MySpace have "Terms Of Agreement" (which is kinda what "caught" Lori Drew, because she didn't abide by those terms), they don't have much in the way of "teeth" - often the most they can do is terminate the service of the offender.Imagine: one mother decided to drive another mother's child to devastating emotional pain as entertainment; she includes her own young teen daughter and a young adult employee....and they all have a great time of it. No one charged the assistant or the daughter, even though they were all complicit in the intent to do emotional harm. I hope there is a civil court for something like wrongful death so that these people pay some price for their evil cruelty.Now - add to that the parental responsibility of more supervision of this vulnerable, fragile, emotionally compromised child...her parents had reversed the lock on her bedroom for her "safety," as they were aware that she had problems. Children without psychiatric issues ought not have unsupervised access to the internet or text messaging or any form of communication without parental oversight. Children with psychiatric issues are at more risk. Recently, another teenager, this one 19, overdosed with several medications to kill himself while his computer stayed on so that everyone on the net could watch him die. There was a huge rageful response to folks waiting 12 hours before reporting this situation to the net site or the police...who came too late.It seems that he'd done this before, so many folks thought he was playing "wolf," others just didn't care, some showed concern, and others just "egged" him on....the same way folks on the ground often "egg on" a person threatening to jump from a tall building. There are always creeps about.What was curious to me is that the reports of this event include that the boy died in his father's room and on his bed; that he used a combination of prescription and illegal medications. Again we have a pathetically ill young man without proper supervision by those who could understand and help him. It sounds like he needed hospitalization.The Internet gives young folks the attention and pseudo-importance they naturally crave. It is also a conduit for evil...the same way electricity is neutral...unless you try to electrocute somebody with it.Parents have to be less casual about the evil that comes through all these technological marvels of communication.Staff2010-05-13T08:04:13ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/530.html2010-05-13T08:04:12Z2010-05-13T08:04:12ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:12ZForgivenessStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Forgiveness/531.html2010-05-13T08:04:11Z2010-05-13T08:04:11ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:11ZThanksgiving?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Thanksgiving/532.html2010-05-13T08:04:11Z2010-05-13T08:04:11ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:11ZThe Old-Fashioned ThanksgivingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Old-Fashioned-Thanksgiving/533.html2010-05-13T08:04:11Z2010-05-13T08:04:11ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:11ZFeminists Should Go Where They Are NeededStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Feminists-Should-Go-Where-They-Are-Needed/534.html2010-05-13T08:04:09Z2010-05-13T08:04:09Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I'm all for feminists...in their place, of course (which clearly isn't in the kitchen; but I digress)Instead of marching in public to make sure that babies born even up to, but not including, their heads can be killed (also known as late term abortion), and that minors can abort their babies without mommy and daddy knowing, and demanding that the world provide day-care so that all mothers can dump their kids into the arms of hired help, and also that unmarried women can adopt babies in spite of the need of children for a daddy...how 'bout having these well- meaning activists go to Afghanistan and protect girls whose only wish is to go to school and be educated so they can participate in their society? As reported by the Associated Press - and not for the first time - Taliban men on motorcycles attacked 15 girls on their way to school and squirted their faces with acid. The next morning, no girls showed up at school in Kandahar's Mirawais Mena girls' school.Arsonists have repeatedly attacked girls' schools and gunmen kill students. UNICEF says there were 236 school-related attacks in Afghanistan in 2007.Activism is an important quality of people motivated with a mission to preserve and protect innocents. Feminists go after fetuses...let them instead go after the Taliban. I think it would make a huge statement and impact to have American women locked and loaded and protecting these young women who strive for the basic right to an education.If America's feminists would commit to such missions, I would respect and support them wholeheartedly.Staff2010-05-13T08:04:09ZGreedy Woman in OregonStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Greedy-Woman-in-Oregon/535.html2010-05-13T08:04:08Z2010-05-13T08:04:08Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Awwww...give me a break. I'm actually supposed to feel sorry for this Oregon woman who is out $400,000 because of...well, GREED! I feel as sorry for her as I feel for the folks who took out home loans they couldn't pay back or the CEOs of bankrupt companies who get to lose their jobs with tens of millions in severance pay.This woman mortgaged her house, took a lien out on the family car and ran through her husband's retirement account. How and why? Well, here it comes: she received an e-mail promising her $20.5 million if she would only help out a long-lost relative with a little money up front. Her family and bank officials told her it was a scam and begged her to stop, but she was obsessed with the thought of becoming a multi-millionaire.This whole affair was a scheme called the "Nigerian scam" and it's familiar to many people with e-mail accounts. Over the last several years, one of these has come to my email address. They promise you zillions of dollars for just thousands of dollars necessary to jump-start some transfer of money or some business.I remember long ago seeing a
Donohue
TV program with six women all complaining that some guy scammed them by "wining and dining" them...on their own money! The guys would say they were coming into lots of money, but they needed a place to live and money to spend until their golden ship came in....oh please....this was a study in denial: "I'm getting attention so I'll deep-six my brain."Back to this woman in Oregon. She's gotten herself and her husband into horrific debt and who knows if, how, or when they'll be able to get out of it.As a psychotherapist, I'm frankly happy with some aspects of America's economic crisis. While stores are worried that people don't impulse buy any more, or that the purchase of frivolous, unnecessary, redundant or "show-off" things is dropping, I'm glad that so many adults, and hopefully their children, are learning an important lesson in the difference between want and need, and the potential devastation of leveraging yourself with debt for possessions that ultimately don't matter much. During the recent California fires, people didn't run out of their homes with their cars, iPods or fancy clothes. They left with photos of the family as their number one concern. I don't feel sorry for that Oregonian - I feel sorry for the family she devastated financially with her greed.Staff2010-05-13T08:04:08ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/536.html2010-05-13T08:04:06Z2010-05-13T08:04:06ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:06ZChoosy MatesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Choosy-Mates/537.html2010-05-13T08:04:06Z2010-05-13T08:04:06Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I cannot emphasize enough how, as a marriage and family therapist, I am impressed with female fiddler crabs. A study published in the journal
Animal Behavior
, found that females of the species Uca crenulata - also known as fiddler crab - may check out 100 or more male fiddler crabs and their burrows before finally deciding on a mate.Now...make no mistake : she's not getting it on with 100 males. She is making certain that the one she picks is one she can count on to protect and provide for her young 'uns. Why are female fiddler crabs so picky? The survival of their offspring appears to be strongly linked to the size of their mate and his "crib" - to borrow some vernacular. The size of the male's....burrow...affects the development time of the larvae. A burrow of just the right width and depth dimensions allows larvae to hatch at the perfect, safest time, the peak outward nighttime flow of the biweekly tidal cycle.So here's how it all looks: the male fiddler crabs stand in front of their burrows and wave their enlarged....claws....at prospective female passers-by, much as a human fellow might wave his arms or hands in a "come over here" motion. The interested females initially eye the males, and if something tweaks 'em, they partially or fully enter a burrow to size it up. When a female finds a mate and burrow to her liking, one of them closes the door behind them, they mate, and incubate their eggs, which later hatch and release little baby crab larvae that are quickly flushed from the estuary by high night tides.Why is this of interest to me...and
should
be of interest to you? Because I am amazed at how little effort so many women and men seem to put into making one of the most important decisions of a lifetime: their life-long (if they're smart) mate. I have long nagged that judges and clergy should not marry people who have not undergone at least 6 months of pre-marital counseling to make sure that they are: 1) capable of making a loving commitment to another person, 2) are reasonably objective as to the quality of this "match," 3) have had experience working through problems and differences with this person in non-combative, constructive ways, 4) have quality familial relationships all the way around, and 5) are in agreement on basic but important issues such as children and child-care, financial considerations, religious persuasions, geography, life-style, ideals, values and goals.....and that is just for starters.Good marriages - life long ones - don't just happen. Choose wisely - then - treat kindly.Staff2010-05-13T08:04:06ZStop Picking on Boys!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Stop-Picking-on-Boys!/538.html2010-05-13T08:04:05Z2010-05-13T08:04:05ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:05ZEat Less, Move MoreStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Eat-Less,-Move-More/539.html2010-05-13T08:04:03Z2010-05-13T08:04:03Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>There are two sure fire comments that I can make on the air which will get hackles way, way up. The first is to say anything which even sounds remotely like a criticism of cats (for some reason it doesn't work for dogs, chickens, pigs or parakeets...just cats) or comment that, for the most part, being fat is your own darn fault. There's even a fan site for my show called "We Love Dr. Laura" - which has a thread that goes wild whenever I take a "fat" call and give my opinion that by and large, being fat and unfit is a voluntary condition.Let me give you an example: a woman called to tell me about her mean, mean, and oh so mean, husband who is trying to influence her to lose weight and start working out. She just about had a fit on the phone, telling me that he should just love her the way she is...or he's, simply, a bad guy. Since when don't we owe our families our healthiest selves: mind, body and soul?When I didn't agree with her, the harrumph resounded across the land.I've basically told people who call about weight that it is ultimately a simple issue: "eat less, move more." That might not result in the kind of body they show off in all those home exercise equipment videos (by the way...does anybody believe you go from fat and flabby, to svelte and ripped exercising 20 minutes a day, three times a week?). Nonetheless, you can evolve into a more healthy, fit, and attractive version of yourself.This is all in preparation for an inspirational story of a fat man, 330 pounds, who wanted become a Marine. Their answer was, well, nope. Committed as he was to joining the military, he did what is generally said to be too difficult to do: without miracle weight loss potions sold on television, he moved more and ate less. The 23-year old man gave up beer, cut his food portions way, way down, and exercised 140 pounds away in about a year.Kindly, the Marine recruiters also worked with him - helping him to develop an appropriate, safe yet effective workout regimen.When his friends would sit down for beer and pizza, he'd put on a head lamp and go out for a run in the dark.Eat less...move more. It's the least expensive weight management program on the planet.Staff2010-05-13T08:04:03ZThe God WarsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-God-Wars/540.html2010-05-13T08:04:01Z2010-05-13T08:04:01Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Ads proclaiming,
"Why believe in a god? Just be good for goodness' sake"
will appear on Washington D.C., buses starting this week and running through December. The American Humanist Association recently announced the controversial $40,000 holiday campaign.Fred Edwords, spokesman for the humanist group told the Associated Press:
"Our reason for doing it during the holidays is there are an awful lot of agnostics, atheists and other types of non-theists who feel a little alone during the holidays because of its association with traditional religion."
No matter what side of the Christmas and God wars you may be on, that is one lame excuse for challenging the majority of people in the United States who are "believers" (92% according a poll by the Pew Research Center). I am Jewish and have never felt "alone" because the end-of-the-year holiday event of the country was "Christian"; Christmas is a lovely spectacle no matter what your beliefs, and for those who are seriously Christian, it is additionally a sacred time.Last month, the British Humanist Association upped the ante with their bus sign campaign, which said:
"There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life."
At least the American version still holds to the idea of doing
good
, while the British version is like letting kids go wild in a candy store claiming there are no such things as cavities or obesity. American Family Association president, Tim Wildmon, calls the American Humanist's ad,
"...stupid. How do we define 'good' if we don't believe in God? God in his word, the Bible, tells us what's good and bad and right and wrong. If we are each ourselves defining what's good, it's going to be a crazy world."
Don Feder, editor of the "Boycott The New York Times" website, demanded equal space in the
New York Times
for the display of religious symbols as he perceives the paper to have a
"relentless drive to secularize society."
Feder writes:
"The New York Times gives the game away when it insists that public property 'must be open to all religions on an equal basis - or open to none at all.' In other words, a town that chooses to display the Ten Commandments - which are sacred to 90% of the American people and an integral part of our nation's heritage - has to give equal space to every other faith and New Age sect that's out there. In reality, the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment was intended to prohibit a state church, like the Church of England. "If the Founders thought giving one religion preference was odious, why was Congress's first official act to hire a Christian chaplain? And why did the first Congress appropriate sums of money for Christian missionaries to the Indian tribes? What about 'In God We Trust' on our currency and 'One Nation under God' in the Pledge of Allegiance - which clearly give preference to Judeo- Christian tradition over Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam and Summunism?"
To read more from Don Feder's point of view:
www.boycottnyt.com
and
www.aim.org
.Staff2010-05-13T08:04:01ZConfessions of A Call Screener: An Interview With Kimberly NeillStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Confessions-of-A-Call-Screener:-An-Interview-With-Kimberly-Neill/541.html2010-05-13T08:04:00Z2010-05-13T08:04:00ZStaff2010-05-13T08:04:00ZSperm Donors No Longer Anonymous in BritainStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Sperm-Donors-No-Longer-Anonymous-in-Britain/542.html2010-05-13T08:03:58Z2010-05-13T08:03:58Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>In 2005, Britain changed the law protecting anonymous sperm donors and allowed children to learn the identity of donor fathers (which is bad news) and limited the number of women who can use sperm from one donor (which is good news).In 1991, Britain registered some 500 sperm donors; since the change in the law, the numbers have dropped by 40%. Obviously, the men were anonymously donating sperm for the financial compensation, and not for the purpose of fatherhood. Once the anonymity factor was gone, motivation declined as these men likely felt threatened by potential future responsibilities to a child they had no intention of taking any responsibility for; either financially or emotionally.Another concern about anonymity is the sanctity of the family. I have always advised married, infertile folks who have called my program to keep their plans a complete secret. I don't believe it is in the best interest of children to have a sense that the wonderful man protecting, providing, and loving them is not their daddy. Anything which interferes with that child/father bond should be avoided whenever possible. And, I never thought the origin of the haploid DNA contribution was as significant as the ultimate parent/child relationship.Britain capped the number of babies which can be created from one donor. Sperm from one man can now be used to produce only 10 babies (in Holland the number is 25). The United States does not cap sperm donations at all...and I think that is ridiculous. You certainly don't want anonymous sperm in one geographical location to be used to make scores of babies who are unaware of their genetic relationship. The statistical probability of them meeting, falling in love, marrying (aw, I'm such a romantic) and then having children is not insignificant. This is a factor that could lead to obvious medical problems for their offspring.Staff2010-05-13T08:03:58ZHusband Sues Wife for STDStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Husband-Sues-Wife-for-STD/543.html2010-05-13T08:03:57Z2010-05-13T08:03:57Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>There have been a number of lawsuits over the years concerning the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) during relatively casual sex in relatively casual relationships. The New York Post published a story about a forty-seven-year old attorney who filed suit against his wife of twenty-two years, charging that her straying had left him with Herpes Simplex virus 2, an STD that caused him to experience "pain, suffering, emotional, mental, psychological and physical injuries and the loss of enjoyment of life."I guess he figured that if he had it, and had sex with her, that she'd contract it and then he'd blame it on her during their estrangement so that he could leverage his position with respect to collecting back monies he'd have to give her in a divorce. I guess that's it...because she filed papers last month with the results of her blood test which was negative for HSV-2, commonly known as genital herpes, with which the lawyer husband says he's infected.Nonetheless, the question still remains: who is responsible for the transmission of an STD in a casual or dating relationship? Is it the full responsibility of the infected individual to reveal in advance of any sexual activity that they have the communicable disease? Or, is it the responsibility of each and every individual to not rely on the kindness of strangers?I believe that anyone who knowingly transmits an STD should be prosecuted criminally and sued civilly. The severity of the consequences should match the seriousness of the STD. Some of the STDs are curable with medication; others are simply controlled with medication; some may lead to a higher incidence of cancer; and some are a virtual death sentence. Considering these factors, people who don't ask - much less are foolish enough to believe it when they're told, "No, I don't have anything," - who don't take precautions such as condoms (which aren't foolproof), who have multiple sexual partners, and who don't value the monogamous commitment of marriage after both people have complete physicals and blood tests to ensure a "clean slate," have to take some responsibility onto themselves for their foolishness.It's like this: when you let your dog loose off the leash and it runs into the streets to be run over by a speeding car...the car actually killed the dog; but you put the dog in the place where it could happen. That is shared liability and shared moral obligation.DO ask, and DO tell; and be truthful.Staff2010-05-13T08:03:57ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/544.html2010-05-13T08:03:56Z2010-05-13T08:03:56Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with same person.
- Mignon McLaughlin American journalist and authorStaff2010-05-13T08:03:56ZDay Care Bites the DustStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Day-Care-Bites-the-Dust/545.html2010-05-13T08:03:54Z2010-05-13T08:03:54Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I know I have made myself quite a controversial subject by my insistence that children be loved, cared for and raised by their mommies and daddies instead of hired help and institutionalized child care. As I have said many times, children evolve each and every day...and those minutes need to be influenced by and experienced with the people who matter the most. This is why I am thrilled about the one-sided effect of the current economic problems in America.According to a recent report in
USA Today
, parents nationwide are telling day care providers that
"they must scale back or abandon their services. Instead, they keep kids at home with grandparents or up-end their work-life balance because gas and food prices have become prohibitive and average child care costs outpace rent and mortgage payments - even for those drawing salaries."
Of course, the day care industry is scurrying around trying to come up with a plan to save itself. Many are offering all kinds of hours and financial deals. The
USA Today
article, after noting that the 2005 U.S. Census Bureau data (the most recent available) indicated that 2.65 million preschoolers attended day care, and that current statistics of un-enrollment were not available, called the situation "distressing."Sure it's distressing for an industry that has been so effective in its marketing, that parents who actually raise their own children are made to feel guilty for doing so. But it is
not
distressing for the children, who will now be in the arms of people who love them and are there to teach, nurture, support, and experience life with them.Sure it's distressing for parents who have to reconsider and reconfigure their lives to accommodate raising their children. But, they will find surprising rewards in the true experience of family.The hysteria from the child care industry has included dire warnings that parents will leave their kids home alone, in cars, or with strangers who might hurt them. That sort of child neglect and endangerment goes on in spite of filled-up day care establishments and should be dealt with through social services (to help families make better adjustments in their priorities) or through the legal system (where children are removed to live with safer relatives or foster care).If it is true that every cloud has a silver lining, then the "shine" is there for many children of parents who can no longer pay the $3,000 to over $10,000 a year for day care, because mommy or daddy is coming home to
you
.Staff2010-05-13T08:03:54ZPop Culture's Negative Influence on Our KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Pop-Cultures-Negative-Influence-on-Our-Kids/546.html2010-05-13T08:03:52Z2010-05-13T08:03:52Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>This is one of those times when one of
your
emails says it all. The following email puts every parent on notice with respect to the proper protection of their children from influences which hurt their souls:
"Hi Dr. Laura! I type reports for some youth programs and typed a report a few weeks ago that has been on my mind. This report said that this particular teenager had been using very offensive swear words since the age of 5 when this person saw an R-rated movie. My first question was "What is a 5-year-old doing watching an R-rated movie?" Where is the parent? Another report indicated that one teenager had started inhaling cocaine after seeing it done in a movie. I see kids being influenced by the media all over.
As a teenager many years ago, I was taught that our minds are like a camera - i.e., taking a picture that you can't get out--so be careful about what you put in it. Many people are concerned about the effects of violent video games and truly believe that these games will affect kids, but why don't they use the same standard about movies that have sex (especially explicit sex) and vulgar language in them? That sticks every bit as much as violence. Once something has entered your mind, it is changed.
Today, I read in a local paper about a study that was done regarding teens and media (television and movies) containing sexual content. The teens who watched media with sexual content were more likely to engage in such behaviors than those who did not.
We would never invite a stranger into our home without knowing their purpose. Yet, every day we invite strangers into our homes when we turn on television or put a movie on. We think we know these people--they're on the front cover of every magazine at the checkout. These people often, don't have our best interests at heart or the best interests of our kids at heart. They are there to make money, and generally, that is their only purpose. I'm amazed at some of the talk show hosts and authors that have shared their infidelities, whether on TV or in books, like it is a badge of honor. They will certainly take credit for lending their influence in the [recent] presidential campaigns, but they certainly would not take credit for their influence in the lives of today's teens in the terms of drugs and sex.
We have choices! We as parents need to be more judicious as to what we will allow in our homes and what we will allow our kids to be exposed to within our realm. We need to love our kids and ourselves enough to turn "that program" off and spend our time with our kids or developing ourselves. Our kids are influenced by a lot of other people away from the home, but when they return to the home, we do have the influence to reinforce the difference between good and bad, right and wrong.
Thank you so much for all that you do to fight the negative effects on the family!"
When you're so busy, busy, or have long given up on taking the leadership role in raising your children, or you're way too easily dissuaded by popular culture from having moral standards and values by which you wish to raise your family, your children become prey and the predators are many. Like vampires, they wait to suck the blood out of your children's souls and psyches, leaving them to the forces of their immaturity and the allure of their impulses.Your children need you to take stands...their futures depend on it!Staff2010-05-13T08:03:52ZVeterans DayStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Veterans-Day/547.html2010-05-13T08:03:51Z2010-05-13T08:03:51ZStaff2010-05-13T08:03:51ZAn Important Message for Veteran's DayStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/An-Important-Message-for-Veterans-Day/548.html2010-05-13T08:03:50Z2010-05-13T08:03:50ZStaff2010-05-13T08:03:50ZHate MailStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Hate-Mail/549.html2010-05-13T08:03:48Z2010-05-13T08:03:48Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I've had a liberal commentator on live television in Canada suggest that someone should slit my throat because of my support of traditional marriage. He was not countered at that moment, nor criticized later. I, however, had to have bomb-sniffing dogs case a Canadian stadium before I gave a charity fundraising talk because of some nasty threats. A fellow in West Hollywood didn't see the irony in showing hatred towards Sarah Palin by hanging her in effigy...after all, if it's not one of "us," then it's explained or excused as simply funny or an exercise of free-speech. Calls to my radio program come from people of both genders, all age groups (5 to 81), the spectrum of races and those of various socio-economic standing, liberals and conservatives, and "straight" as well as "gay." It would seem that socio-political positions be damned, since most all people have an interest in the well-being of their children, their intimate, family, work, or community relationships, their inner struggles, as well as morals, values, ethics, and principles. When I helped a young male caller with his "boyfriend" problems - which are no different in their content from "girlfriend" problems: common sense, fears, communication, - I got a spate of letters like this
"I can't stand it anymore! I know Dr. Laura can't refuse to help people who call in, but I am SO sick of homosexuals being crammed down our throats. I can't even turn on Dr. Laura's show and get away from it.
"Decent, moral, religious, family-oriented people listen to Dr. Laura's show and don't want to listen to that crap. I feel like gay people are trying to throw their sexual preferences in our face more and more all the time with calling in to radio shows, lawsuits against people who don't bend over backwards for them, children's books, greeting cards, etc. The world really is going to HELL! I would really have a hard time answering calls like that if I was Dr. Laura."
The station that aired my radio show dropped it because
"She talks to homosexuals as though they were human."
These comments are generally more than balanced by ones like the following:
"I've been a listener... for years and years. I've always enjoyed your show and appreciated your approach. One of your conversations today prompted me to write you. I am gay, and have had a long and challenging process in accepting my sexuality. Not only am I gay, but I'm a Christian, and generally hold conservative beliefs. Many of my friends have bought into the "victim" mindset that our community is told we have to fall into. In my opinion, all this seeks to do for anyone is to separate and divide. They believe that everyone needs to completely accept and support gays. "While I personally believe that this is how I was born and how God made me, I also realize that many people do not share my view. While I disagree with them, I respect their right to hold that opinion. You made an excellent point today when you highlighted the difference between tolerance and acceptance. Right or wrong, good or bad, It's simply unreasonable for anyone to demand complete acceptance of anything from anyone else.
"I wish with all my heart that my gay and lesbian friends would get past their biases and listen to what you have to say about right and wrong, healthy behaviors and appropriate ways of handling conflict. Thank you for being you, standing up to those who cowardly try to tear you down and silence you, and for coming into my radio every day. You have helped me more than you will ever know!!"
Speaking of hate, there's a new television series (ABC, Thursday, 10 PM) called "Life on Mars." A New York City police detective goes spinning back in time from the year 2008 to 1973 - where he is stuck. The 1973 cop he teams up with and he have interesting "cultural" differences. For example, the 2008 cop describes an assault that just happened as "a hate crime." The 1973 cop mockingly retorts -
"As opposed to an "I really, really like you crime?"
- pointing out the absurdity inherent in such classifications - as though all men and women were not created equal nor equal in the sight of the law.Staff2010-05-13T08:03:48ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/550.html2010-05-13T08:03:46Z2010-05-13T08:03:46ZStaff2010-05-13T08:03:46ZPlanned "Un-Parenthood" Strikes AgainStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Planned-Un-Parenthood-Strikes-Again/551.html2010-05-13T08:03:46Z2010-05-13T08:03:46Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The organization "Students for Life of America" has released yet another undercover video of a nurse at a New Jersey Planned "Un-Parenthood" facility describing how an abortion would be performed on a 22 week-old unborn child and admitting that some babies survive such abortions.
"It does happen,"
the nurse said.Well, here we are again with another YouTube.com or Eyeblast.tv video (
www.eyeblast.tv/public/video.aspx?v=e46UqG8zSU
) demonstrating either the illegality (i.e., not reporting minor girls pregnant by adult men) or immorality of Planned "Un-Parenthood" Clinics.In the SFLA's video, the nurse explains the late-term abortion procedure to the pregnant woman, while the woman questions the nurse about the details.
"Is the baby alive?"
asks the pregnant woman.
"Usually not,"
the nurse replies. The woman asks if the baby could be born alive, to which the nurse responds:
"Usually, for the most part no, but it does happen. It's an actual delivery,"
her explanation continues,
"but it wouldn't be able to survive on its own, so eventually the baby does die."
According to the Catholic News Agency, Kristan Hawkins, SFLA Executive Director, commented on the video:
"I was absolutely stunned when the Planned Parenthood nurse revealed that allowing a baby to die after being born alive is a common practice for abortionists. This is outright infanticide."
SFLA has called on Congress to investigate Planned Parenthood, which reportedly receives about $300 million in taxpayer funding each year. Apparently, there is not a law protecting those who survive abortions. Critics of such a bill claim that such a law or requirement - to tend to the life birth - would burden the original decision of the woman and the physician to induce labor and perform an abortion.Oh my gosh, when a human being survives the attempt to destroy them, they are left to die in order not to burden a physician and an almost-mother? What kind of civilization thinks this way?I'll tell you what this is really about: if Planned "Un-Parenthood" saved the lives of babies who survive their abortions, then women would less likely come to them for abortions, and that would hurt Planned "Un-Parenthood's" bottom line. According to National Right To Life (
www.nrlc.org/News_and_views/july07/nv071907.html
), the dedication of Planned Parenthood to abortion is...apparent:
"against 264,943 abortions, Planned Parenthood saw just 12,548 prenatal clients. This means that it was 21 times more likely that a pregnant woman coming into a Planned Parenthood clinic would receive an abortion than receive prenatal care. In 2005, in its entire nationwide network of over 860 clinics, Planned Parenthood saw just 248 infertility clients. Put another way, this means Planned Parenthood Federation of America treated just one infertility patient for every 1,068 abortions it performed. Adoption services or referrals aren't even mentioned."
Planned "Un-Parenthood" is always screeching in its fundraising warning letters that it is about protecting women's reproductive choices, but what one of its latest service reports shows is how rarely Planned Parenthood's plans involve parenthood, and just how often they involve abortion, which is why I call it "Planned Un-Parenthood."Staff2010-05-13T08:03:46ZParental Notification LawsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Parental-Notification-Laws/552.html2010-05-13T08:03:43Z2010-05-13T08:03:43Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>There have been innumerable skirmishes all over America concerning whether or not parents should get notification, much less a say, in whether their kids can visit the museum of natural history during school hours (usually yes), get their ears pierced (also yes) or have an unborn baby scraped or sucked out of their bodies (ahh...that would be a "NO" if you ask Planned Un-Parenthood, the ACLU, and a host of other ultra-liberal, feminista organizations).Generally, the concern these organizations present have to do almost solely with the imagined sociopathy of America's parents: that they will savage or murder their pregnant daughters, or toss them bodily from their homes into the murky night and swampy streets. They have not, however, ever come up with any instances of that happening - but what do facts matter when you want to make sure an abortion is always available when a kid wants one?For the third time in the last four years, California voters were asked to weigh in on teen abortion, determining whether doctors would be required to notify parents at least 48 hours before performing an abortion on a minor...you hear that? ON A MINOR CHILD!There are those who think abortions are so important to the well-being of children that they believe that children are capable of making that decision on their own. That's why a piece by Kenny Goldberg (KPBS-FM radio in San Diego) is so blatantly clear on the limitations of the thinking of children.The Vista Community Clinic in California sees hundreds of teens a month for reproductive health issues. Mr. Goldberg interviewed some of those teenage girls to see what their opinions and concerns were regarding their parents' knowing about their abortion appointments. Here is a typical example:
"I don't think I would tell my parents, because I feel like they would look at me as someone who's already messed up - like early in my life, and I'd feel like I was a disappointment."
Hey - that sounds like a valid reason to terminate the life of a baby in one's body without a parent to talk to about alternatives or to help.By the way, most of these parental notification initiatives allow for children who come from abusive families to notify another adult relative - like a grandparent or aunt/uncle - or ask a judge for a waiver.With respect to those options, another teen says
"Pregnancy already weighs on you enough. So to even add court issues to that - that would just be insane - I mean, it would be so much harder to deal with."
Come on folks - kids who worry about parental disappointment, and the burden of dealing with judges or other adults, clearly are not mature enough to make life-and-death decisions for another human being.I do know, from my years on the air, that there are many parents who would wholeheartedly support their child's abortion so that they would get that problem out of the way so their kids could just get on with school and sports. Unfortunately, they leave their child with a legacy of always knowing they eliminated their first child because of an inconvenience. That's better than facing some disappointment or legal procedure?I believe parents ought to be with their children to help them through any and all crises...from not making the basketball team or cheerleaders, to facing the reality of having created a human life.Staff2010-05-13T08:03:43ZKids and Media Exposure to SexStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Kids-and-Media-Exposure-to-Sex/553.html2010-05-13T08:03:41Z2010-05-13T08:03:41Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A listener labeled his email to me: "The Newest Movie "Trash" Banned in Utah! Go Utah!"
I read recently that some parts of Utah had banned the release of the new film "Zack and Miri Make a Porno". The film is about a guy and girl who have nothing better in their dull lives to do but to produce a pornographic film together just for the fun of it. I, for one, am sick and tired of films that exploit women AND men!!! Whatever happened to going to the cinema and watching a good movie?
Thank God that Utah, a state that won't forfeit its values and morals, stands up to films such as these, and won't let them play in theaters there. I am a high school teacher, and believe me, Dr. Laura, our kids are craving to be taught values and morals. They want direction. They need direction. Films like these are teaching them that sex is just something that can be played with. I teach a student who has been sexually abused by his own stepfather, and I'm trying to guide him and show him a bit of comfort that he has never received....It breaks my heart to know what he has suffered, and it also breaks my heart to see students being exposed to trashy sex and stupid behavior on film. This kind of sick mess makes our jobs much more difficult in the teaching arena.... it's time that we did something about this trash that's being shown to our children. "
This email coincided with a
US News and World Report
study that sounds like "yes/no yes/no" silliness. The new research suggests that teens who spend the most time watching sexually charged television shows are twice as likely to become pregnant or impregnate someone else.No kidding. My generation grew up on
The Flying Nun
and
Leave it to Beaver
. I never knew anyone who knew anyone who got pregnant in high-school. Here's where the back-and-forth nonsense begins. First, the report says that these findings don't prove that sexy programming causes pregnancy - well, of course it doesn't "
cause
" pregnancy. But it is clear that a permissive media has a huge influence on impressionable teens, opening them up to behaviors which are not in their best interests, emotionally or medically. Interestingly, the researchers refused to "name names" with respect to
which
television shows they considered "sexually charged." I guess they don't want to be open to lawsuits for suggesting that there are specific programs on the air that hurt children by opening them up to behaviors which could lead to unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, or the psychological trauma of sexual abuse.Dr. Dimitri A. Christakis, a professor of pediatrics at the University of Washington who studies kids and television says that these findings
"add to the growing body of evidence that what children see on screen affects their behavior in real life."
I've always gotten a laugh from much of what psychological research - a soft science at best - finds. They state the obvious like it was a revelation and they get grant money to do it. Let's see, if we didn't think that media impacted how people behave in real life, how long would the advertising business last? Oh please, they pay millions for product placement movies...to influence you, They pay millions for seconds of promotion on SuperBowl Sunday...to influence you. It must work. So to be "surprised" at the impact of images and behavior the media immerses our children in has got to be some kind of joke.Back to the beginning... hooray for Utah. Parents who want to expose their children to "trash" can always buy it on the Internet.Staff2010-05-13T08:03:41ZVideo from Dr. Laura CruiseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Video-from-Dr.-Laura-Cruise/554.html2010-05-13T08:03:40Z2010-05-13T08:03:40ZStaff2010-05-13T08:03:40ZNebraska's Safe-Haven LawStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Nebraskas-Safe-Haven-Law/555.html2010-05-13T08:03:38Z2010-05-13T08:03:38Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The great state of Nebraska was the last state of the union to sign what became the most comprehensive child safe haven law in America. In most states, the law specifies that an infant can be left at a "safe-haven" - usually meaning a hospital or a fire department...somewhere the child will get immediate attention - without the parent having to suffer any legal ramifications. Since the law took effect in July, some twenty-three children have been brought to safe-havens...some across state lines.Obviously, this idea came about as a means of saving lives. The thought was that now people who might toss their babies into dumpsters or abuse them would have the opportunity to save their lives by putting them in the care of responsible people. From here, appropriate child care would be found through adoptions or the care of appropriate and willing relatives. I always thought this was a great idea.I had fits hearing criticism that this is abandonment or passing on responsibility. Children in the hands of parents addicted to drugs or alcohol, suffering from various mental illnesses and overwhelmed, barely functional and generally desperate, or simply unwilling are at great risk - and if even one of them has the compassion and good sense to make use of a safe-haven...then we have saved a life...not only from death...but from abuse and a childhood leading only to troubles and problems.Society is always better off when unwanted children have opportunities with adoptive families, quality foster-families, or placement with relatives who might not even have known there was a problem. These children will have a better chance to grow up more adjusted, and that will obviously minimize bad "acting out" (sexual or criminal variety) or substance abuse to quell emotional pain.Unfortunately, because of criticism aimed at parents who take advantage of protecting their children rather than harming them, the Governor of Nebraska, Dave Heinemen, is calling a special session of the legislature to change the state's unique safe-haven law - amending it so that it applies only to infants up to 3 days old. I believe this is a HUGE mistake.The communications office of the Governor prepared a statement for all Nebraskans explaining his point of view.
"Children from eight families have been left at hospitals under the safe haven law. None of the children involved were infants and one was in immediate danger. Courts are likely to require parents and guardians to participate in parenting classes, family therapy, conflict resolution or other services in an effort to reunite youth with their families."
I'm delighted that the Governor points out that there are services that MIGHT...only might...eliminate the necessity for the safe-haven - but very often, parental termination might be in the best interest of children of any age.The Governor points out that safe haven laws were not designed to allow families having difficulty with older youth and teenagers to
"abandon their children or responsibilities as parents."
Well, some parents just can't or won't be responsible...and abandonment would be to throw them out of the house...not deliver them to people who can help.The Governor further suggests that parents considering safe-haven might turn to local health and human services offices...well, sometimes those are not as available or supportive or empowered to remedy a desperately difficult situation.While I support his concern about protecting infants in danger...they are not the only children who need such protection.I hope Nebraska keeps its child safe haven law and doesn't dilute it down to 3-day newborns.Staff2010-05-13T08:03:38ZChild Psychologist Wants Nanny For NewbornStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Child-Psychologist-Wants-Nanny-For-Newborn/556.html2010-05-13T08:03:36Z2010-05-13T08:03:36Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Jeremy, one of my listeners, wrote an impassioned email, shocked that a child psychologist is looking for someone to take care of her not yet born baby due in January.
"I found it stunning that someone has already given up the chance to take care of their baby before it's even born. You would think a child psychologist would know better, but even they want to put career before kid. I wonder how important the kid would feel if he read his mother's ad 10 years from now - seeing his 'mother' in a hurry to find someone to take care of him as soon as he/she was born?"
Well, that got my attention, and I clicked onto the job posting site, and leaving out the name and city of the woman in question, here's what she posted:
"I am a child psychologist looking for a nanny for my baby who will be born in January. I am looking for a very special person who has experience with childcare- including caring for newborns. This person should have education in a field related to childcare/ psychology etc. and have had CPR training (or will get it). This person should be at least 25 years of age and responsible. This person should be exceptionally loving, patient, and sensitive... someone who I can trust with my new baby. I would like for this person to begin in February, providing approx 15 hours per week and then starting in April, approx 35 hours per week (7 hours per day, M-F). I am willing to pay the right person $11 per hour. If you think you are this person, please send resume to _________ and include your contact info. Thanks!"
I don't even know where to start. She wants someone with her education, CPR training, at least 25 years old, responsible, patient, loving and sensitive - someone who can be trusted with her newborn....ahh....isn't that the description of a mommy and not a nanny? You should also know that this therapist lives and works in a wealthy community. I couldn't resist...so, I answered the ad...kind of:
"Dear 'Child Psychologist' Parent-to-be: Your posting asking for childcare for a yet to be born child has stirred up quite a bit of negative commentary...especially since you are someone trained in the emotional and psychological needs of children. Would you be willing to offer a statement of explanation as to how your training led you to the conclusion that your hands- and heart-on parenting was not necessary for your child's healthy and happy development?"
Sincerely, Dr. Laura Schlessinger The answer...well, an answer...came rather quickly:
"I am shocked by this insensitive and judgmental email from you. I wish I could stay home with my baby but I cannot afford to do this. But this is none of your business. You don't know me or anything about my life. You are not a doctor of psychology. You should keep your unsolicited opinions to yourself."
I responded:
"I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I merely gave you the information that has come to me and gave you the opportunity to explain your position in response to the emails I received. There is nothing insensitive about concern for the well-being of a child and respect for the mother-child bond."
Now - sidebar - as far as "not affording" to take care of her own baby, she was prepared to pay $1500/month and she lives in an extraordinarily wealthy part of the United States, and with a psychology license, she can always work evenings. She responded:
"You are very off base, insensitive, and downright incorrect to think or say that there should be any concern for the well-being of a child or a mother-child bond just because the mother must work. Research shows (here it comes!) that it is the quality of the mother-child relationship that defines secure attachment, not whether the mother works. I believe it is optimal for moms to stay with their babies as much as possible, but unfortunately, not everyone can afford to stay home everyday with their baby. I hope that you show more sensitivity in the future."
I'm confused...if she believes it is optimal for moms to stay with their babies, why does she cite research that says the opposite? Also, why is a traditional viewpoint insensitive and judgmental while an "alternative" viewpoint is simply fact? My final communication ended with,
"Frankly, I am concerned that you're not going to be there for your new infant. You could always work at night after your baby starts sleeping through the night. Until then, you could do what I assume you had in mind when you determined to be pregnant: be a mommy, your baby needs that from you and you will be wonderfully transformed by the experience. "Don't you understand why I am writing you? I am trying to give you back the gift you're giving someone else for $11/hour. Surely your studies have shown you how important the first three years of bonding to mother are? It seems you've only taken in the feminista nonsense that mothering is all about the mother. "You see me as judgmental
(there is a right and wrong)
and insensitive - no way, I am trying to be sensitive to what you are giving up and what the child will miss in you."
Warmly, drlStaff2010-05-13T08:03:36ZAmerica's Dismal Political KnowledgeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Americas-Dismal-Political-Knowledge/557.html2010-05-13T08:03:35Z2010-05-13T08:03:35Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The Pew Research Center tested the public's political knowledge earlier this year by asking 1) which party had the majority in the House of Representatives; 2) the name of the United States Secretary of State; and 3) who is the Prime Minister of Great Britain.The survey found that about half of Americans knew that the Democrats have a majority in the House of Representatives, but only 42% could identify Condoleeza Rice as Secretary of State. Only a little over 25% of Americans could name Gordon Brown as the Prime Minister of Great Britain, and only 18% of the public answered all three questions correctly. Got that?
Fewer than 1 in 5 Americans could answer all three questions correctly!
This is why candidates for leader of the free world go on television comedy shows like
Saturday Night Live
,
The Tonight Show
, and the
David Letterman Show
to reach the public. Dignified presentations obviously don't make much of an impression on the electorate.It was interesting to note which groups scored the best on this survey. In terms of getting all three questions correct, regular readers of
The New Yorker
and
Atlantic
magazines scored the highest, at 48%. Listeners to NPR were next at 44%, followed by viewers of
Hardball
(43%) and
Hannity & Colmes
(42%).Rush Limbaugh's audience was next at 36%, followed by viewers of
The O'Reilly Factor
(28%), and the audiences for Larry King, CNN, and Fox News all came in at 19%. Now here's a surprise - out of all those who got the three questions correct, 9% of them were regular readers of
The National Enquirer
!Staff2010-05-13T08:03:35ZThe "Dumbing Down" of the ElectionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Dumbing-Down-of-the-Election/558.html2010-05-13T08:03:33Z2010-05-13T08:03:33Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>When I was a child, I looked up with admiration, respect and even awe at the people who were in public office. I never heard much about illegal financial activities or illicit sexual relations. News anchors always spoke with respect about our governmental officials, and debates and opinions were offered with dignity.Here I am, at 61, hearing that if you don't vote for a black candidate that you are a racist (but you're not if you're voting for a candidate specifically
because
they are black). I'm hearing feminists attack a woman Vice Presidential candidate simply because she's pro-life. I'm watching television political ads which outright lie and offend basic sensibilities, with both parties presenting people who don't really have the
true
knowledge and experience to be the most powerful representative of the free world. I'm seeing a candidate with child-care issues and an out-of-wedlock teen pregnancy in her family, candidates appearing on undignified mass entertainment comedy programs to win votes, and a cacophony of television and radio commentators saying the most outrageously mean things about people they don't know personally. I'm also hearing about mass cheating in voter registrations, and a populace which seems to be relatively disinterested in facts...just emotions, looks and personality.The years of vulgar reality programs and media free speech, unfettered by responsiblity, have dumbed us down and made us crass. According to a recent Pew Research Center poll, only 18% of Americans know which party holds the House majority, can name the American Secretary of State, or the Prime Minister of Britain. I find this a bit scary - and very sad.Staff2010-05-13T08:03:33ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/559.html2010-05-13T08:03:32Z2010-05-13T08:03:32ZStaff2010-05-13T08:03:32ZBill Maher's "Religulous"Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Bill-Mahers-Religulous/560.html2010-05-13T08:03:31Z2010-05-13T08:03:31Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Newark, New Jersey's Roman Catholic archbishop, John Myers, is upset that part of Bill Maher's movie,
Religulous
(a combination of the words "religion" and "ridiculous"), was filmed at a Bergen County parish under false pretenses. Maher told the parish's Very Reverend Charles Grandstrand that he wanted to film his Jewish mother there, because the church was such a big part of her life. His father was a Catholic. Maher told the parish folks that the movie he was making would be called
A Spiritual Journey
.Recently, during his appearance on Larry King's CNN program to promote his activities, Maher said:
"This is funny. Religion accusing
me
of deception. Religion, the greatest scam in the history of the world...selling the invisible product for thousands of years, accusing
us
of deception?
[he laughs]
We don't lie to people. What we didn't tell people
[i.e., when he was producing the movie]
was that it was me doing the interview. They didn't ask, and we didn't feel an obligation to tell them."
This is such hypocrisy that I can hardly type. Hypocrisy, for those who use it as a daily epithet towards somebody whose point of view they simply don't like, is a behavior of espousing and living in counterpoint. He accuses religious folks of lying about the divine and about faith, while he lies to people to use and embarrass them. And this, my friends, gets you a television show, after losing another one for calling the September 11 terrorists braver than Americans.Staff2010-05-13T08:03:31ZGrisly Photos on Anti-Abortion AdsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Grisly-Photos-on-Anti-Abortion-Ads/561.html2010-05-13T08:03:29Z2010-05-13T08:03:29Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>There were two trucks circling Bradenton, Florida last week. Displayed on the sides and backs of the trucks were enlarged photos of dead fetuses in various poses. Needless to say, this caused a bit of a stir.The Center for Bio-Ethical Reform, a Southern California-based anti-abortion group, was established in 1990, and conducts nationwide projects on anti-abortion messages usually involving large billboards, signs and photo murals. Their initiative is to influence voters to select pro-life candidates. Bill Calvin, the group's regional director says,
"We studied all the successful movements in American history. We need to dramatize the injustice we are fighting."
Pictures are worth a zillion words. "Choice" or "women's reproductive rights" are rather benign ways of describing the death of a human being. In fact, it has been very smart of the pro-abortion folks to use such words and phrases, because in America, issues of choice and rights are very important. Also, such words distract people from the realities by taking all passion and compassion--as well as horror--away from an act that terminates innocent human life (unlike the death penalty which terminates a guilty human life).I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say about this truck and its photos, especially since children see them. Then again, children see blatant sexuality and/or horrific violence on television, music videos and games, magazines, and the Internet. All of those "every day" visual images don't have a decent point to make - they are strictly for prurient motivations and making a dollar.When my son was 5 years old I started teaching him about sex. I told him that it was a special experience between a husband and wife that brought immense pleasure, good feelings between them, and often... a baby. I went on to explain that he ought not engage in that behavior - sex - as a child because (a) he couldn't take care of a wife and child, and (b) because the girl could get an abortion. He said, "What's an abortion?" I replied, "It's when the baby is taken out of the woman's body." He said, "What happens to the baby?" I said, "It dies." He said, looking astonished, "You mean they waste a perfectly good baby?" I said slowly..."Yes."I have railed against feminist groups and Planned Un-Parenthood who don't want to give women who are considering an abortion a sonogram and then a day to think about their decision to terminate, keep or put the baby up for adoption. The feminista types use words like
harassment, offensive, disturbing, intimidation, shame
and such to protect women from vividly seeing the realities of their baby in their bodies.The same words have been used for these photographs. Yes, they are disturbing...and they should offend ... the act is offensive.Staff2010-05-13T08:03:29ZBaby Boomer Women Are Committing Suicide..Why?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Baby-Boomer-Women-Are-Committing-Suicide..Why/562.html2010-05-13T08:03:27Z2010-05-13T08:03:27Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I was at first stunned - then not - to read that research from Johns Hopkins School of Public Health points toward white, middle aged women as being particularly prone to depression leading to suicides. I'm a middle aged, white, female baby-boomer, so this caught my attention, especially since the researchers seemed clueless as to what would be behind this spike.Having talked to women for over thirty years on the radio, I think I know. We middle-aged, white females from the sixties were sold a bill of goods by the originally well-meaning women's movement. The bits about equal pay for equal experience and competence were kind of a no-brainer. The bits about men, marriage, sex, babies, and home-making being negatives in our lives - because, of course, they were oppressive and demeaning - also seemed obvious at the time. So, with the introduction of consciousness raising (that is, learning to mistrust, not need, and even loathe men) and women's studies programs (which conceived of elevating women by making them perpetually angry victims), we were on our way to a collision course to today: depression and suicide.Women who dared to buck the feminista trend and actually marry and make babies, kept close to the sisterhood by not being very sexual, loving, or sensitive to their husbands - or just kept them as shack-up studs - and put their babies in day-care. They did all of that so they could work at their careers full-time and have financial power. The thinking was, what if "he" took off with some bimbo or died on them? Money is power and safety! They also did all of that so they could feel like "somebody." I still have women tell me today that they only allow themselves to feel good when they have a successful career; the loving appreciation of a husband and children are swept aside like so much emotional dandruff. These white, middle-aged, female baby-boomers starved themselves of the fulfilling emotional meal of actually being a hands-on mom in addition to being their husband's girlfriend. Many of them are now divorced, and their adult children hardly spend time any time with them. The kids learned how to spend time without Mom because she was so "busy, busy, busy" while they were growing up.I'm not surprised that so many of these women are depressed and suicidal. Feministas lied to them that they could and would "have it all:" they only had to sacrifice the loveliest parts of their womanhood.I'm not among them, because I caught myself entering that depressive state. I've been there...done that. Saved by a marriage and a child!Staff2010-05-13T08:03:27ZThe Hole In Your HeartStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Hole-In-Your-Heart/563.html2010-05-13T08:03:26Z2010-05-13T08:03:26ZStaff2010-05-13T08:03:26ZWhy Did the Chicken Cross the Road?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Did-the-Chicken-Cross-the-Road/564.html2010-05-13T08:03:25Z2010-05-13T08:03:25ZStaff2010-05-13T08:03:25ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/565.html2010-05-13T08:03:24Z2010-05-13T08:03:24ZStaff2010-05-13T08:03:24ZDepressed People Assisted in SuicidesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Depressed-People-Assisted-in-Suicides/566.html2010-05-13T08:03:24Z2010-05-13T08:03:24ZStaff2010-05-13T08:03:24ZPlanned Un-Parenthood and YouTube Naughty BedfellowsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Planned-Un-Parenthood-and-YouTube-Naughty-Bedfellows/567.html2010-05-13T08:03:22Z2010-05-13T08:03:22Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>SFLA, Students for Life of America, are furious because of video of one of their undercover investigations has been pulled from YouTube. Evidently, according to Kristin Hawkins who heads the organization,
"Last week SFLA posted a video on YouTube exposing Planned Parenthood in Charlotte, North Carolina, covering up statutory rape of a 15-year-old girl."
Here's the story: a college woman volunteering for SFLA entered a Planned Parenthood clinic in Charlotte, posing as a 15-year-old girl who had unprotected sex with the mother's adult, shack-up boyfriend. She told that staff that the stud had suggested she come to Planned Un-Parenthood and get the "morning-after" pill. Planned Un-Parenthood gave her the pills, and made an appointment for her to start taking birth control pills without parental knowledge or consent. SFLA also proved that the crime was not reported by PP to local police, which is a violation of North Carolina Law.According to Ms. Hawkins, YouTube said the tape had inappropriate content - damn right it did: it showed PP breaking laws...that's pretty inappropriate. As it turns out, YouTube has also yanked previous pro-life organization videos while it does, according to Ms. Hawkins, continue to play videos which show, for example, a young man desecrating the Eucharist.To watch SF's video visit
studentsforlife.org
I'm always impressed with the star-studded and blinged out locals who attend the yearly Santa Barbara Planned Un-Parenthood fund raising events even with the ongoing stream of information demonstrating their cavalier attitude towards minor women pregnant by adult men, their disrespect for parental rights, as well as their resistance to diving full force into the adoption realm.Staff2010-05-13T08:03:22ZBreast Cancer AwarenessStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Breast-Cancer-Awareness/568.html2010-05-13T08:03:21Z2010-05-13T08:03:21ZStaff2010-05-13T08:03:21ZPut Your Kids First, Madonna, Not YourselfStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Put-Your-Kids-First,-Madonna,-Not-Yourself/569.html2010-05-13T08:03:18Z2010-05-13T08:03:18Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Everybody wants to know what I think about Madonna's public comments during her very public and rancorous divorce. I think they pretty much match her general public image, demeanor, and behavior. I have always found her incredibly objectionable, offensive and intentionally vulgar - all under the rubric of free-speech and free-spirit.To start, I'm not convinced that most current celebrity marriages are indeed commitments of mind, body, and soul as they are intended to be (think Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward). For the most part, very 'out there' performers are exceedingly centered on themselves and want someone to adore them, serve them, be a reflection of their perceived wonderfulness or importance, fulfill a fantasy or simply put...the sex was great and the public relations aspect boosts their visibility.When the so-called object of their affections becomes tiresome, more or less important or successful, demanding, and no longer reflects a narcissistic boost...they are dispensed with.When a divorcing spouse makes public vulgar, insulting, and humiliating comments about the other spouse, children are devastated and tend to either compulsively go towards the attacked party to protect and defend them, or compulsively go towards the attacking parent so they won't also be victimized by that parent. Either way, children become emotionally fragmented, confused, and distrustful - and that will likely be an issue for their whole lives, especially when they are ready to establish relationships.Celebrities with the usual chaos in their personal lives are the fodder of media sales and ratings. Celebrities with quality relationships are ignored (Tom Selleck, for example).These celebrity musical chair relationships are obviously not a great image for our impressionable youth. Quite frankly, most divorces don't need to happen at all. Weathering lousy times is a sign of character and commitment. Most of the time when folks call me all angry and convinced they need to divorce, they are simplifying the situation because they haven't taken the responsibility needed to help maintain a quality comradeship. I tell them short of abuse, addictions, and repetitive affairs, they should treat the one they want so much to leave as though they loved them with their last breath - for a month - and then watch and feel what happens.If one parent decides to leave for selfish or foolish reasons, the truth of the situation can be spoken to the children without the nasty parts. For example, "Your mother, sadly, has decided to leave to be with a man she met on the internet. I'm hoping that she will find that she misses us all so much that she wants her life with us back. Until then, let's pray and stay as positive as possible."This approach states the truth, which I believe children in this situation need, but opens the possibility for hope. Children will over time form their own conclusions when mama never calls, visits, or comes home. That parent will have destroyed the relationship with their children all by themselves.I try to remind folks considering leaving for less than important reasons to stick around and create the kind of homelife that will best send their children into their adulthood with optimism and an open heart. I tell them that this is their moral obligation...to put themselves second.Staff2010-05-13T08:03:18ZIs Personal Responsibility Passe?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Is-Personal-Responsibility-Passe/570.html2010-05-13T08:03:16Z2010-05-13T08:03:16Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>When marriages get difficult, people "bail out" by divorcing, and flippantly propose that the kids will be fine. When school children are failing classes, the tendency in American education is to drop standards on performance examinations, drop the tests altogether, or punish the hard-working children by eliminating valedictorian status. When folks decide that their business or financial situation isn't paying off, they declare bankruptcy and ultimately give the bird to those who trusted them enough to do business with them. When the auto industry makes cars that aren't popular, Congress votes to bail them out financially. When mortgage companies and banks loan trillions of dollars to people who can't possibly pay their monthly bills, we have a world-wide financial crisis requiring the average, hard-working citizen to give up his or her compensation to save the day. When people do stupid things, like put hot coffee between their legs while driving a car, a company has to pay out from its profits to compensate for a customer's irresponsibility.This is not really about finances. As many have pointed out, during the Great Depression, unemployment was higher than 20%, and people found themselves unable to pay their bills through no fault of their own. This is 2008, and unemployment is about 5%, and people find themselves unable to pay their bills totally by their own fault! Why? Because they want to live a lifestyle they have not yet earned.This is about character and honor as well as the philosophy of earning your blessings. I have told many a parent
not
to buy a home for their newlywed children, because they would be robbing them of something to work towards
together
, in addition to the thrill of the accomplishment.Dozens of CEOs are walking away from disasters they helped create with hundreds of millions of dollars of "reward." Millions of Americans are walking away from the disasters they greedily and irresponsibly signed up for by putting their names to a promise they could not keep.This is not the American spirit of old, and it's certainly
not
the way to bring up our young people. I hope they have learned from this. Instead, I worry they're just blaming the Wall Street fat cats or the Federal government. To quote Shakespeare:
"the fault lies not in our stars...but in ourselves."Staff2010-05-13T08:03:16ZYour Engagement as Prep for a Better MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Your--Engagement-as-Prep-for-a-Better-Marriage/571.html2010-05-13T08:03:15Z2010-05-13T08:03:15ZStaff2010-05-13T08:03:15ZI'm Mad...and YOU Shouldn't Take It AnymoreStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Im-Mad...and-YOU-Shouldnt-Take-It-Anymore/572.html2010-05-13T08:03:13Z2010-05-13T08:03:13Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>When was the last time you took your kids to the airport and bought some candy and magazines? Did you notice what your kids see at their "short-eye-level" when you pay for your items? They see what they can also notice at many grocery store check-out lines and magazine racks: they see soft porn - half-naked, provocative photos of well-endowed men and women.Now, I'm no prude. I wear jeans below my waist, and I have some belly-button "bling." But I do believe that there ought to be such a thing as a free society maintaining its First Amendment rights, while at the same time jealously protecting the innocence of children.A recent female caller complained that her boyfriend occasionally looked at some photos or videos of naked women on the Internet. It is unbelievable to me that, lately, there is such hysteria about men viewing naked women or male/female sexual encounters. Did somebody just discover that men are very interested in sex and are visually stimulated by viewing women's bodies?Of course, Internet porn can be a problem, particularly when it becomes compulsive and a substitute for real-life intimacy, or self-medication for emotional problems. However, much of the time, it is just a curious male having a stimulating moment.I brought up to that caller that I thought the guys who do the workout ads for some of those exercise machines are "hunks," and exciting to see. She agreed. If all I did was play a continuous loop of these ads, I'd be having a serious emotional problem. There is a
huge
difference between "casual," and "compulsive."That said, our society has a big problem making "crass" more casual in the public square. The fashion police should arrest most of those young women with big bellies and big butts hanging over those ridiculously low-cut, tight jeans, and short, too-tight tops, as well as young men with no tops, and with their pants falling just at or below their pubic hair line. Their parents either don't care, or have given up attempting to be leaders, or have joined the ranks of the "crass" themselves.This society should shun malls that harbor Victoria's Secret, Abercrombie & Fitch, and Frederick's of Hollywood, as these are establishments which use provocative photos and displays to promote their products within clear view of families and children walking through the malls. I mean, there you are with your adolescent sons and daughters, looking up at practically naked women and men in their underwear, with seductive looks in their eyes. What are you supposed to say to your children about that?These images tell your children that sexuality, nudity, their bodies, and intimacy are just "everyday stuff" - no big deal, certainly not private, and definitely not special. Is that the lesson you want them to learn?One mother of a 12 year old boy wrote to me that after they came home from their town's mall in which they personally experienced all of the stuff I've just mentioned, he suggested that they should do their shopping online from now on.Not a bad idea.Staff2010-05-13T08:03:13ZOlder Brains Helped By An Internet WorkoutStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Older-Brains-Helped-By-An-Internet-Workout/573.html2010-05-13T08:03:12Z2010-05-13T08:03:12Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>According to a study being released in November's
American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry
, Internet web searching may just enhance brain activity and keep your elderly (55-75 years of age) brain working at top function.The study compared 24 subjects between the ages of 55 and 75, and discovered using MRI scans that reading a book helped stimulate certain areas of the brain that had to do with language, memory, and visuals. They also found that searching the Internet created these same stimulations, but activated more of the frontal, temporal, and cingulated areas of the brain - areas that have a lot to do with decision-making skills.Staff2010-05-13T08:03:12ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/574.html2010-05-13T08:03:10Z2010-05-13T08:03:10ZStaff2010-05-13T08:03:10ZCan People Ever Really Change?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Can-People-Ever-Really-Change/575.html2010-05-13T08:03:10Z2010-05-13T08:03:10Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A recent female caller wondered if she should stay with and even marry a guy who spent the full first year of their relationship being violent.I immediately said, "You're a grown woman. If you want to play Russian Roulette with your life you have the right to do that. Please, though, have your Fallopian tubes tied so that you can't bring any babies into this situation to either be hurt directly or indirectly by a messed up, violent home-life."She wanted to know if people can change. Well, the correct answer is....YES! Of course people can change. When people are motivated and disciplined and committed to being, thinking, and doing things differently, they can most definitely evolve in a positive direction. It does take time and simply acknowledging the need for change is not (contrary to popular thought) 50% of the problem. You all know that's true because every one of you remembers making a New Year's Resolution - which clearly acknowledges a need for change - and even a plan....which just evaporated with time and ennui.Therefore, in the context of this woman's call, a person prone to violence is not one who is going to make a quick change. The caller wanted to know if there was hope that in the future...no matter how distant...that he could be different. Well, sure - IF he makes the commitment and is committed long term to whatever it takes to change his way of looking at the world, intimate relationships, and his own identity.An interesting fact is that when people do make such profound changes, they rarely are interested in the people who wanted them when they were less positively functional, as they recognize that it takes a less functional person to be attracted to same. Said in a bit 'o different way: emotionally healthy people, even though they may protest love and compassion, just don't commit their lives to a recalcitrant, unwilling to change, difficult, or dangerous person. It is because of their own sad inner dynamics that they find solace in being involved with an unhealthy person...it makes them feel needed or puts the responsibility for their unhappiness somewhere else or is simply a place to hide from the threat of not being capable of a good life.This particular caller thanked me for my advice...I asked her to tell me what my advice was; she said, "I don't want to play roulette with my life." I gave her kudos for making a healthy and good choice. I also told her that she'd feel stupid for the time already spent, lonely for the company, scared of being alone, and more...but that this decision was still a healthy and good choice.You see...she is the one in her life she had the power and the necessity to change; focusing on him was just a way to hide from that.I love the beginning of happy endings...and that call was one of those.Staff2010-05-13T08:03:10ZDumb Is As Dumb DoesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dumb-Is-As-Dumb-Does/576.html2010-05-13T08:03:08Z2010-05-13T08:03:08Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Let me just start out by saying that women are not inherently dumb. But, gosh darn it, some of us do some pretty dumb things...especially in the name of "beauty." I am charmed by the way that Joan Rivers makes fun of her own predicament with one too many way too tight face lifts on a television commercial....she grabs her face and questions whether or not she's smiling because she can no longer feel her face to sense her own expressions. That's funny - but the odd look of her face isn't.I get too many women calling my radio show wanting permission to get all sorts of things done to their bodies to seem more attractive when, in fact, their husbands couldn't care less...they just want more loving access to their wives' sensual bodies...imperfect or not! It rarely seems to matter that their husbands lust for them just the way they are. Astonishing.Now women are lining up for torn tendons and ligaments as well as herniated discs by wearing higher and higher heeled and platformed shoes -- 6 to 8 -- inch stilettos are selling like crazy. These shoes, which feature peep-toes, have been made popular by important role models such as Victoria Beckham, Jennifer Lopez and Jessica Simpson. It would appear that women want to imitate sex symbols, without necessarily being sexual with the men who love, adore, support and protect them. So what is it? Women want to look good to other women but not their own men?Men do like women in high-heels, because they are daring and show off the curves of a woman's legs. In fact, the stiletto was invented in the 1950's by Salvatore Ferragamo for the sex siren, Marilyn Monroe. However, her heels never went over 3 inches...and that somehow didn't stop women from copying the style, or men from drooling over her image. Having the fashion industry push the limits of shoe heel height just to start a new trend to make more money is free commerce...having women be so foolish as to respond positively is just plain dumb. It gets dumber: some women (older but definitely not more mature), are getting injections of a cosmetic filler such as Restylane or Juvederm to plump up the
balls of their feet
so they can more comfortably wear these ridiculous shoes...that makes them more comfortable, but definitely not safer. The last time women were this dumb was in the 15th century in Europe when upper-class women wore 11 inch high blocky platforms called Chopines. They had to have servants on each arm to help them walk without falling. There may be a price to pay for beauty, as the saying goes, but the price shouldn't be giving up good sense or good health. And I wish more women who are wives would spend more time concerned with what their husbands want to see of them than what Jessica Simpson is wobbling around on.Staff2010-05-13T08:03:08ZDon't Blame Me!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dont-Blame-Me!/577.html2010-05-13T08:03:06Z2010-05-13T08:03:06Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I had an interesting call just the other day. A husband and wife, each on their second marriages, called because the family dog, a dachshund, was consumed by a coyote. The wife wanted to know how or if she could ever forgive her husband for this "National Geographic" moment. It seems they've been feuding for quite a while: he doesn't like the dog to pee in the backyard and make the grass yellow; she doesn't like the dog to be loose in the street to pee because he could get eaten. While these two were fighting, the dog got eaten.The righteousness in her presentation was astounding. It seemed she was willing to dismiss yet another marriage because she labeled her husband responsible for the dog's demise as he let the dog out.I asked her who the 'alpha' person in the dog's life was - every dog, no matter how attached to all family members, identifies the 'alpha' person as its owner and "main squeeze." She immediately jumped in to say it was just everybody's dog. He quietly offered that she had the dog before they married. Oops!I then told her that she was responsible for the dog's death as she was not taking responsibility to walk the dog three or so times a day for its exercise and for it to eliminate itself where (a) it wouldn't damage their home property and (b) she could make sure the dog was safe. That she was sad her dog was dead was reasonable; that she was looking for a cause of this event was reasonable; that she was blaming other than herself in combination with what is "nature's way" was plainly unreasonable.I suggested she apologize to her husband and promise, should she want another dog, to take personal responsibility for that animal.This leads me to a recent news headline,
"Icelanders irate at lenders who ruined country."
It seems that only one year after winning the United Nation's
"best country to live in"
poll, with its residents rated the most contented in the world, the result of a country's decision to swap cod fishing for a complex debt-laden economy exacted a heavy toll.They were encouraged by the government to upgrade to a more luxurious lifestyle by buying houses and cars that were financed by 100 percent loans with extraordinarily low interest rates based not on their own money, the strong krona, but based upon a spread of foreign currencies.According to news reports,
"Icelanders are also increasingly angry, looking for somewhere to point blame for the country's spectacular fall." "Somebody has to take responsibility,"
said one father complaining that his son has lost his savings.It took one 21 year old print machinist, Alvin Zogu, to give the most mature response:
"We can learn from what they did wrong. We can make better decisions."
While governments and banks can offer "pie in the sky," it takes the individual decision to gorge themselves with pie while dangling in the air to cause the ultimate fall.Staff2010-05-13T08:03:06ZEverybody Lies, Everybody CheatsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Everybody-Lies,-Everybody-Cheats/578.html2010-05-13T08:03:04Z2010-05-13T08:03:04Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>One television show I'm both intrigued by and ambivalent about is called
House
. It's a medical drama in which the main character, a physician, is a diagnostic genius...except that he almost kills his patients a number of times until he brilliantly deduces the correct problem.One problem he and his associates always have in diagnosing these strange presenting disorders is that, as Dr. House says, "everybody lies." It would seem that patients will withhold information essential to their proper treatment because of shame, guilt, embarrassment or to get out of some potential problem -- even if it threatens their lives! Sometime during the one-hour drama, for better or worse, the truth comes out. Moral debates sometimes arise about the value of truth and honesty.During my radio program, I have often cautioned people about being too flippant with honesty...it is, in fact, not always the best policy. For example, "Your child is ugly and below average in intelligence!" or "Aging is sure being mean to you...look at all the wrinkles between your chin and your chest!" Now, they may be honest assessments, but must all truths be spoken if they are going to hurt someone with no reasonable or positive motivation or intent? My answer is, "no." My answer is to find something sweet and kind to say...there always are those aspects of a person or a situation.However, there are circumstances where the truth is essential; and sadly, so few of our young people believe that is so. Every school age child in America knows that a sitting, married President looked right into the television news cameras and lied about having had a sexual relationship with a young, single intern. What was astonishing was how quickly his supporters and political party members were to dismiss this kind of lying since it was "personal." It's funny how "personal" impacts the world. ABC News produced a story about college cheating using the most advanced devices our technology has to offer. The piece centered on a Texas college freshman, Kiko Kho, who had used a see-through plastic pen, opened up the back and slipped in a strip of paper with vocabulary words on it so that she would pass her French exam. If you think it is remarkable that she admitted all this to a reporter...hang on to something...she posted a video on YouTube detailing how she'd pulled off her cheat that received more than 120,000 hits. Did she show remorse and argue against cheating? Nope. She did admit "it's not a good thing to cheat," followed up quickly by "everybody has done it." Our young people watch television political talk and debates and hear time and time again..."that's not true," "that's false," or "that's a lie." When I was a child all I heard about was that President George Washington didn't lie about that cherry tree...that was something to aspire to!In Jasper, Indiana, two of three challengers for a congressional seat have agreed to be hooked up to lie detectors during an October 21 debate, but an official with the incumbent's party dismissed the idea. The Republican Party Chairman made this proposal to Democratic Incumbent and the GOP and Libertarian challengers. The only one who declined to comment was the Democratic Incumbent...now that just looks bad.I think all political debaters, product promoters, attorneys, teachers, scientists, and students in exams should take advantage of lie detection technology...and that's the truth!Staff2010-05-13T08:03:04ZShame on Oprah!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Shame-on-Oprah!/579.html2010-05-13T08:03:02Z2010-05-13T08:03:02Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Here's a simple test for you to contemplate: What do you get when you leave a golden retriever dog in a car on a hot day with the windows cracked a bit, and the dog dies from being cooked in that car oven? Well, you get arrested for felony animal cruelty, with bail set at $20,000 while you await your trial, which, if convicted, will get you about three years in jail.Okay, did you get that one right? Probably. Next test is: What do you get when you leave a
human child
in a car on a hot day with the window not cracked a bit, and the child dies from being cooked in that car oven? You get to be on
Oprah!
with an entire audience of dewy-eyed women exuding understanding and sympathy.Disgusting.Here are a few view responses to that program:
"I too saw that Oprah episode. I scoffed and hissed as I watched the 'sympathetic nodding' of Oprah's audience who were apparently relating to the distracted, forgetful 'busyness' of a mother who was asked by her husband to drop the baby off at day care that morning. According to this woman, that was something her husband normally did, and it was outside of her daily routine.
She had a lot on her mind and was concentrating on what the day had in store for her at work. That was her reason for forgetting the baby in the car! I just wanted to scream! Then a thought came to my little pea brain. I wondered if these 'understanding' women in the audience would actually 'understand' if their husbands forgot their birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, or Mother's Day because he was stressed and busy, concentrating on work, blah blah blah. Hmmmm.....yeah, I don't think so; we all know what these women would think of their controlling, nasty, insensitive husbands for forgetting these important things in life."
Oh yes, there was one thing that mother did remember. With the forgotten, ignored, unimportant human being in the back seat, she evidently did make a hurried stop to get donuts for the staff, which means the child was also left alone in the car while she got those all-important calorie-laden munchies.Right after I brought this travesty up on my radio program, I received an email from a single, twenty-three year old man, who had been watching this Oprah episode with his girlfriend of two years. His immediate take was that the woman, the audience, and Oprah were being utterly disgusting, offering sympathy to a woman - a
mother
- who didn't have her child on her mind. It seems he went on and on to his girlfriend about the sacred obligations of a mother - i.e., putting the child first - and about how awful it was to see women clucking in sympathy for this neglectful mother and not for the buried child. His girlfriend was in sympathy with the audience and was aghast that he would have such a "cold, cruel" non-understanding point of view. He decided at that moment to break off with her, because he couldn't see any woman with that point of view being his girlfriend, wife, and certainly not the mother of his precious children.I tell you, I was very impressed that we have such real men among our young people today. When Oprah and other feminist, liberal, influential women take the point of view that children are not the first priority, when they coo over the "pain" of a mother who leaves her child to slowly cook to death in a car instead of storming the citadel demanding jail time for reckless endangerment, neglect and manslaughter, then we have women telling women to have compassion for irresponsibility, self-centeredness and murder. When we have compassion for evil, we show disdain for the innocent victim.Shame on Oprah.Staff2010-05-13T08:03:02ZDo Financial Crises Cause Marital Crises?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Do-Financial-Crises-Cause-Marital-Crises/580.html2010-05-13T08:03:00Z2010-05-13T08:03:00Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The world's finances are being shaken to their core because of - well - cheating and greed. Nonetheless, people are being laid off, large companies are going out of business, small businesses can hardly pay for even minor fees to keep themselves afloat, and the price of gas keeps yo-yoing. The good news is that you can buy a car for under sticker price...as long as you don't need a loan; you can also buy a house for a pittance...as long as you don't need a loan.A number of financial advisors have reported that their biggest problem is not the most obvious one, which is explaining what folks should and shouldn't do with their cash, savings, and investments. As it turns out, their biggest problem is how husbands and wives are turning on each other with blame and rage or turning away from each other with blame and fear.Feelings of concern, anxiety, sadness, confusion and fear are, frankly, reasonable emotions when tornados, hurricanes, and earthquakes hit your community...it is reasonable to slap your own - and maybe each other's - foreheads, regretful that you both didn't plan better. But ultimately, it happened to each of you and all of your neighbors and you have to respond in a constructive way despite your personal pain.Feelings of concern, anxiety, sadness, confusion and fear are, frankly, reasonable responses when the financial bottom falls out from under you. It's not unusual to want to look for the cause of the disaster whether it is a bank CEO, the President, the Treasurer, modest-income people who borrowed to live beyond their means....or....your spouse."Kicking the dog" because you are upset with your day is animal cruelty. Kicking your husband or wife when you are both in the same lifeboat is also cruel, and it is destructive to the marriage and the family.Perhaps it is true that one or both of you made some financially unwise moves with investments or by spending too much and living beyond your means with credit cards and loans. I think that in these situations it is always best for the person in charge of the "errors" to simply own up to screwing up, apologize, and then offer to help make things right. Once your spouse has thrown himself or herself on your mercy, do not ever make them feel stupid or bad in an attempt to regain a sense of superiority or control. When things go wrong, turn TO each other with compassion, solace, and a pledge to be a team and work it through together, survive it together, brainstorm together, and work together. No matter how sad you feel, this is the time for lots of attention and great sex. Endorphins and orgasms go a long way to keeping you both cheerful about life and life with each other.The financial situation in America and the world, as well as the Dow, will come back up. Make sure your marriage weathers the storm so that you can both be there to enjoy it.Staff2010-05-13T08:03:00ZMore on Feminist StudiesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/More-on-Feminist-Studies/581.html2010-05-13T08:02:58Z2010-05-13T08:02:58Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>In response to last
Thursday's (10/9/08) blog
, in which I was critical of the Department of Feminist Studies at the University of California's Santa Barbara campus (and all those in the USA for that matter), I received a personal letter from Leila J. Rupp, Professor of Feminist Studies and Associate Dean of Social Sciences which confirmed that I was right in assuming that they would never invite me to address their students. She writes:
"You're right if all you have to offer is indoctrination. We are interested in education."
To reiterate my "points of indoctrination," I wondered whether this Feminist Studies program would be all inclusive:
Is it going to be critical or celebratory over home-making, traditional family values, home schooling, religion, mothering only after marriage, qualities of a good wife, at-home mothering, avoiding divorce (except in cases of abuse, addiction or affairs) and choosing adoption over abortion?
I also suggested avoiding abortion as birth control, "shacking up," friends with "benefits," and buying the lie that hired help and day care are equivalent or superior to a Mommy.It is amazing how these simple concepts have become "indoctrination" and controversial. If these issues cannot be presented, what in the heck does the Feminist Studies program call "diversity?" Perhaps it's just different ethnicities all saying the same thing.Staff2010-05-13T08:02:58ZSarah Palin's Newsweek Cover PhotoStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Sarah-Palins-Newsweek-Cover-Photo/582.html2010-05-13T08:02:56Z2010-05-13T08:02:56Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Enough already with the over-reaction to the Sarah Palin cover picture on
Newsweek
.I first learned of this so-called serious issue watching Fox News in the morning. One of their hosts, a gorgeous blonde, was holding up the magazine and the camera zoomed in on the cover, and I thought it was...fine. It shows Mrs. Palin close up, with about 60% of her face exposed. Frankly, I think it's a nice shot. The complaints from the news hosts were that it wasn't retouched to take away the deepness of the marionette lines between nose and mouth and the slight creping around her eyes.My first reaction was, "Give me a break...that's what she looks like at her age with her facial contours. It's real and she doesn't look bad at all - she happens to be a pretty woman."The hosts then flashed a prior
Newsweek
cover with Obama...at more of a distance without one obvious facial flaw and a light diffusing from the top of his head, which made him look like a moment in the movie
The Ten Commandments
-- the halo effect told a lot about the "messiah-like" impression that this publication was attempting to create to influence the readership.While I am not supportive of Mrs. Palin for the Vice-Presidency, as I have made clear in a previous
blog
, I am also not supportive of media manipulation to subliminally impact the populace to vote for the party of the media's choice. That said, it is the Obama cover that should be criticized, not Palin's...hers is at least a real rendition of a real human being.I recently took a new set of head shots and publicity photos for an upcoming book ("
In Praise of At-Home Moms
") and other promotional purposes. When I first saw them, I just about cried. Where did all those crow's feet, laugh lines, and creping of neck skin come from? I work out hard most days of the week so my muscles and flexibility are amazing. Working out and eating correctly are under my control. Getting weekly facials to keep my skin clear and hydrated is under my control. The changes one has through maturation (aka "aging") are not under my control. I'm embarrassed to tell you that seeing those photos ruined my afternoon as I have never in my life before felt so womanly, sexy, and feminine! The photos did not seem to match my inner image.The next day I looked at the photos again and - after sleeping on it and talking about it with my dearest friends - I just absolutely love them and told my business partner to make sure they were not air-brushed. I never liked my current photos because they touched them up to remove all lines...making me, in my opinion, look absolutely bionic. I love my new ones now because they are real and show me mature, attractive, happy, and, untouched, and make a statement about pride in oneself even with imperfections.So, to summarize, I like the Palin
Newsweek
photo. I disdain the liberal media's manipulations of Obama photos to further their political agenda. And I love my new photos...you'll see 'em soon!Staff2010-05-13T08:02:56ZSave Us From Feminist StudiesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Save-Us-From-Feminist-Studies/583.html2010-05-13T08:02:55Z2010-05-13T08:02:55ZStaff2010-05-13T08:02:55ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/584.html2010-05-13T08:02:55Z2010-05-13T08:02:55ZStaff2010-05-13T08:02:55ZAnother "Reformed" Day Care MomStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Another-Reformed-Day-Care-Mom/585.html2010-05-13T08:02:53Z2010-05-13T08:02:53Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>As long as you keep sending me stories like these, I'll continue to post them on this blog. Today's email came from Lori:
This is long overdue. I started listening to your program 20 years ago, when I was in my twenties, newly married, and focused on my career. I was in the middle of a graduate program that I had worked very hard to get into, when I got pregnant with my son. I always thought your ideas that a parent should stay home with their child were ridiculous - I thought it was a crazy, backward notion. That is what day care was for!!
Then I had my son.
He was six weeks old when I left him with a day care provider to continue my graduate program. That was also the
last
time he was with a day care provider. I physically and mentally could not stand to think that someone else was spending the day and providing for my son - something I should be doing and wanted to do. After all, who could do it better? My husband felt the same, so I quit graduate school and all my career plans went out the door so I could stay with my son full time. While at first it wasn't easy, I can say without a doubt what a great decision that was!
When my son and I went to the park or took a walk, I arranged it so I could listen to your radio program at the same time. While I was sure about my decision, I had VERY LITTLE support from many others. I got many comments or "put-downs" about what a waste of my life this was. I felt like you were one of the few who supported me. You were my advocate, and when I would feel especially down and question my decision, I would listen to you and it would lift me up, and I knew I was right.
So, a belated thank you for what you gave me, my wonderfully supportive husband, and my son - who is now a smart, kind, funny, well-adjusted 16 year old. Keep speaking up for us stay-at-home moms. I can look back at that time of my life and say I absolutely have no regrets.Staff2010-05-13T08:02:53ZNo Contact From Adult KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/No-Contact-From-Adult-Kids/586.html2010-05-13T08:02:52Z2010-05-13T08:02:52ZStaff2010-05-13T08:02:52ZAbortion Rights Still Popular, But...Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Abortion-Rights-Still-Popular,-But.../587.html2010-05-13T08:02:50Z2010-05-13T08:02:50Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Public opinion on the legality of abortion has remained relatively stable for well over a decade, with slight majorities of the public (54%) saying they favor keeping abortion legal. The "but" is that fewer Americans have tended to express support for making abortion illegal in "all or most cases," ranging from a low of 36% to a high of 48% over the same period of time.
(pewresearch.org)
While men and women are about equally likely to express support for abortion rights (53% of men and 54% of women say it should be legal), women are more likely than men to say abortion should be legal in all cases. Majorities of most age groups say that abortion should be legal in all or most cases, although support for legalized abortion is somewhat
lower
among those under age 30 (52%), compared with those aged 50-64 (58% -- baby boomers).According to the Pew Research findings:
"While the public generally tends to support legalized abortion, it is also clear that most Americans harbor concerns about the morality of abortion, and favor certain restrictions on its use. For instance, most Americans (73%) believe that abortion is morally wrong in nearly "all" (24%) or "some" (49%) circumstances. Only 24% say abortion is not a moral issue."
That last group scares me. Issues of right and wrong don't pertain at all to the termination of a human life in utero? I wonder if those same folks are card-carrying members of PETA. I'm always struck by those who value a chicken over a human being.Basically,
"the public supports abortion when the physical or psychological health of the mother may be in danger, or when the pregnancy results from rape or incest. Most Americans disapprove of abortion when the circumstances relate to economics, life choices, or a personal preference not to have a child."
This heartens me. As goes the value of human life...so goes civilization.Staff2010-05-13T08:02:50ZAbout Dr. LauraStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/About-Dr.-Laura/588.html2010-05-13T08:02:49Z2010-05-13T08:02:49Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>As one of the most popular talk show hosts in radio history, Dr. Laura Schlessinger offers no-nonsense advice infused with a strong sense of ethics, accountability, and personal responsibility; she’s been doing it successfully for more than 30 years, reaching approximately 8 million listeners weekly. Her internationally syndicated radio program is also heard on
XM Satellite Radio
, and is streamed on the Internet and podcast via
StreamLink
from her website:
drlaura.com
.Read more about Dr. Laura
here
.Staff2010-05-13T08:02:49ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/589.html2010-05-13T08:02:48Z2010-05-13T08:02:48ZStaff2010-05-13T08:02:48ZCan't Beat This Argument for Moms-At-HomeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Cant-Beat-This-Argument-for-Moms-At-Home/590.html2010-05-13T08:02:46Z2010-05-13T08:02:46Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>From a listener to my radio program:
Dr. Laura, I want to thank you for the special moments that you helped me have. As a listener, my husband and I decided that I would stay home with our 2 month old baby boy even before he was born. I must admit that it's hard financially, but we understand that our son is more important than luxury.
Yesterday, I had a "tear-jerker" moment. After feeding my son, I got up and started to clean the room. After a while, I saw him moving. He was putting his little hand above his head, feeling for the place where my arm had just been. Then he stretched his arms and legs in front of him where I had been lying before. I realized he was looking for me. His little face began to prepare to cry. I then placed my hand on his side. "I'm right here, baby." He then opened his eyes. On seeing me, he smiled his gummy smile.
I stayed there, smoothing out his hair, until he fell back to sleep, but I couldn't help thinking, what if I had been at work? What if he was with a sitter or at day care? I wouldn't have had that moment, and he wouldn't have been comforted. I know, because I used to work at a day care center - he would have been left crying, because he had been fed and his diaper had been changed.
As an ex-day care worker, I know that children are not cared for lovingly. They just have their physical needs met, but not their emotional needs. There were so many kids who called me "mommy," and that was only because I was doing
her
job while doing mine. The fact was, "mommy" wasn't there. But I was and am here for our son. Thank you.Staff2010-05-13T08:02:46ZYou'd Better Get Your Flu ShotStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Youd-Better-Get-Your-Flu-Shot/591.html2010-05-13T08:02:44Z2010-05-13T08:02:44Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I never gave a second thought to the flu or prophylactic vaccines until that one day the symptoms hit like a sledge hammer. I was in the middle of a counseling session, when my joints spontaneously began hurting. All of a sudden, I started to feel so weak that I couldn't believe it, and got a bit frightened. I had to tell my client
"I'm so sorry - I'm not feeling well. We'll have to finish this session some other time."
I then called my husband to come and get me. By the time I got home, the total body pain was so great I could barely tolerate getting my street clothes off and my p.j.'s on. After that experience, I started getting my flu shots every year, and never had a recurrence.Well, I'm here to nag you! The flu-shot season has officially begun, and according to Dr. William Schaffner, President-elect of the National Foundation for Infectious Diseases,
"People should start getting vaccinated now...yesterday, actually."
There's an ample supply of vaccine this year - somewhere between 143 to 146 million doses (more than ever before manufactured). As you probably remember, last year's vaccine was somewhat inadequate, because a surprise
new
influenza strain emerged. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) has checked around the world where the flu virus is already circulating, however, and has found that this year's vaccine is a good match.For those of you who are stubborn about getting these shots, you should know that flu hospitalizes about 200,000 people a year, and kills about 36,000. You have a choice in vaccines. The old fashioned flu shot is good for all ages, and the nasal vaccine FluMist can be used in healthy people aged 2 to 49. The CDC says that 261 million Americans qualify for the shot. For the first time, the CDC is recommending that every child, age 6 months to 18 years, be inoculated, unless they have a serious egg allergy. Any child under 9 years of age who is being vaccinated for the first time will need
two
doses, a month apart. A single dose suffices for everyone else.There are scads of local places to get flu shots, and you can find out where at
www.findaflushot.com
.Staff2010-05-13T08:02:44ZGo Ahead; Have A Good Time?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Go-Ahead;-Have-A-Good-Time/592.html2010-05-13T08:02:43Z2010-05-13T08:02:43ZStaff2010-05-13T08:02:43ZNovelist David Foster Wallace's Ironic Commencement SpeechStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Novelist-David-Foster-Wallaces-Ironic-Commencement-Speech/593.html2010-05-13T08:02:41Z2010-05-13T08:02:41Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Friday, September 19, 2008, I was reading the last page of the "Weekend Journal" in
The Wall Street Journal
. It was adapted from a commencement speech given by David Foster Wallace to the 2005 graduating class at Kenyon College. Mr. Wallace, 46, died recently, an apparent suicide.I thought it odd that an entire page of
The Wall Street Journal
was dedicated to the musings of a man who opted out of life after giving advice to young people just
beginning
their adult foray into the trials and tribulations of existence.The main focus of his presentation to the students seemed to be on the issue of self-centeredness:
"It is our default setting, hard-wired into our boards at birth. Think about it: there is no experience you've had that you were not at the absolute center of. The world as you experience it is right there in front of you, or behind you, to the left or right of you, on your TV, or your monitor, or whatever. Other people's thoughts and feelings have to be communicated to you somehow, but your own are so immediate, urgent, real - you get the idea. But please don't worry that I'm getting ready to preach to you about compassion or other-directedness or the so-called 'virtues.' This is not a matter of virtue - it is a matter of my choosing to do the work of somehow altering or getting free of my natural, hard-wired default setting, which is to be deeply and literally self-centered, and to see and interpret everything through this lens of self."
First, he is "right on" with the hard-wiring of self-centeredness. I remember my mother telling me once that when, as a teenager, she experienced the death of her mother from breast cancer, and was consumed with grief, that she looked out her window to see people outside driving, walking, talking, and going about their business as though nothing had happened. She related feeling shocked that, somehow, the whole world did not stand still as did her own heart.It is obvious that, of course, we are the most absorbed by our immediate environment and experiences....which pretty much means ourselves. However, Mr. Wallace's consistent dismissal of virtues is perhaps what was missing from his life. Seeing, acknowledging, and caring about others does not necessarily come naturally. It is a virtue taught by parents and community as well as by religious teachings. One of the most central aspects of religious training is to "love thy neighbor." Why? Just because it's "nice?" No, although it is nice. It is because caring for those outside yourself gives you a connectedness that minimized loneliness and a purpose which minimizes despair.Towards the end of his speech, he points out:
"The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline and effort, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little un-sexy ways, every day. That is real freedom."
He then asks the audience to
"please don't dismiss it as some finger-wagging Dr. Laura sermon. None of this is about morality, or religion, or dogma or big fancy questions of life after death. It is about making it to 30 or maybe 50, without wanting to shoot yourself in the head."
So, in attempting to enlighten the young people about a bigger value in life - commitment and obligation to others - he came back to his essential hard-wiring: it is all about living in a way which makes you not want to kill yourself. Ironically, his thought process came all the way back to being self-centered.In eschewing morality, religion, dogma, considerations of eternity - all of which he assembled under
"finger-wagging Dr. Laura sermon[s],"
he disconnected himself from the kind of motivation, identification, support and spiritual reward which may have kept him from committing suicide. Sad, really.Staff2010-05-13T08:02:41ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/594.html2010-05-13T08:02:39Z2010-05-13T08:02:39ZStaff2010-05-13T08:02:39ZPersonal Responsibility and the Presidential ElectionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Personal-Responsibility-and-the-Presidential-Election/595.html2010-05-13T08:02:39Z2010-05-13T08:02:39Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I am watching TV news early this morning and hear that Senator McCain is suspending his campaign for President of the United States to stay in Washington, D.C. to actually do the job he's been elected to and getting a salary for. I also hear that whether or not a plan is agreed upon to deal with the financial crisis of the United States, that Senator Obama will leave Washington D.C. early this morning to continue his campaign for President.After talking to one of my friends who quipped:
"McCain is using this opportunity as a campaign maneuver."
I said,
"Hey, he's actually doing the job he's being paid for."
I am always impressed when a politician takes personal responsibility to actually do their job.Unfortunately, by noontime, Senator McCain apparently had decided that he had completed the job and decided to call it a day and head off to join Senator Obama for a long weekend of campaigning.What other job is there in the known universe where you can get elected, have a nice title, get paid a really good salary, have fabulous job security for two to six years, and then spend most of your time working towards another job? Only the job in Congress! We have Senators from Arizona and Illinois who are spending just about every waking hour vying for the Oval Office, and a Governor from Alaska together with a Senator from Delaware who are trying to get second dibs on Air Force One.I, for one, believe that they all should have resigned to run for further office, and left the support of their constituents to someone who's doing the job full time.Staff2010-05-13T08:02:39ZMarriage 101: Priming the PumpStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Marriage-101:-Priming-the-Pump/596.html2010-05-13T08:02:38Z2010-05-13T08:02:38ZStaff2010-05-13T08:02:38ZT-Mobile is Off My RadarStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/T-Mobile-is-Off-My-Radar/597.html2010-05-13T08:02:36Z2010-05-13T08:02:36Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Perhaps you've seen the TV ad? It begins with a family scene, where the father has gotten one of that company's cell phones, which permits the selection of certain people as "favorites." Everyone is making suggestions as to who should be among his "favorites," and the eight-year-old son, in front of Mommy, suggests that Dad put in the number of the woman he stares at during the son's ball games! There is absolutely
no
reaction from anyone.The teenage daughter then suggests her boyfriend (who has a mustache), and the Dad says that the "fine print" indicates that no kid with a mustache is permitted, and then he proceeds to call his daughter "dude."Using behaviors destructive to families is not my idea of good sales practices. T-Mobile is off my radar. I can't imagine a group of executives sitting around in a brainstorming session thinking this would make for a great sales incentive. I can't imagine TV executives agreeing to play these ads. I can't imagine anyone at home watching and thinking "this is cute," and feeling driven to buy T-Mobile's products or services. I can't imagine ever buying one of their products.Staff2010-05-13T08:02:36ZGood Guys vs. Bad Guys in "The Closer"Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Good-Guys-vs.-Bad-Guys-in-The-Closer/598.html2010-05-13T08:02:34Z2010-05-13T08:02:34Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I have been a big fan of the television show
The Closer
, starring Kyra Sedgwick. It has a great ensemble cast, and it's fun to watch the (generally implausible) twists and turns as she has those "aha!" moments, based on some innocuous comment made by someone totally unrelated to the situation at hand.One recent episode, however, ended on an entirely amoral note. Frankly, the plots are often too complicated to summarize, but here goes: an illegal alien takes sanctuary in a church to avoid deportation and to avoid becoming a murder victim at the hands of international drug-dealing "bad guys." The bad guys are "setting up" the illegal so that he will end up in prison, where they can kill him for his lack of loyalty. Apparently, if you're the target of a "hit," being in prison makes you quite accessible, because you're surrounded by bad guys who'll contract out the job in exchange for cigarettes, comic books, or whatever.A policeman from the drug-providing country comes to "help," but turns out to be one of the bad guys. Kyra, the "closer" of the title, upon discovering his true mission, threatens to put him in jail under the name of the illegal in order to 1) scare him into talking, and 2) possibly give the illegal good guy a new identity.I thought that the threat was a clever ploy. However, the "bad guy" foreign policeman didn't collapse under the threat. Kyra followed through with her threat, and he was subsequently misidentified as the illegal alien "good guy" and murdered while in custody. Now the illegal alien had his own special type of witness protection program.The program actually ended that way - with no one questioning the immorality or illegality of Kyra setting up the foreign cop for murder by his fellow bad guys. It just ended up with everyone being content with the outcome.While it is particularly satisfying to me when bad guys get their just deserts, it is not satisfying to watch role-models misuse the system to exact their own vengeance. I was tremendously disappointed with the writers and producers, and with Kyra for agreeing to leave the story line intact.Staff2010-05-13T08:02:34ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/599.html2010-05-13T08:02:32Z2010-05-13T08:02:32ZStaff2010-05-13T08:02:32ZPromiscuity and Social Networking WebsitesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Promiscuity-and-Social-Networking-Websites/600.html2010-05-13T08:02:32Z2010-05-13T08:02:32Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Turns out that the latter leads to the former! Recent research by the University of Buffalo Department of Communication and the University of Hawaii reveals that the people who watch reality television visit social networking websites to engage in behaviors like the celebrities they see on shows like
American Idol
or
Survivor
.When people on reality TV are rewarded for their behavior, it communicates to the (usually) young audience that these behaviors are good things. These so-called "reality" TV shows depict people being exploitive, deceitful, hyper-emotional, vengeful, conspiratorial, sexually promiscuous, generally undignified, immodest, self-centered, and basically exhibitionistic.According to the university research,
"heavy reality TV viewers may adapt personality traits association with celebrities....Reality TV even may be to blame for the erosion of the distinction between the everyday world and the celebrity world."
This phenomenon is encouraging young folks to make personal information about themselves publicly available online. We've all heard about the proliferation of youngsters sending photos to each other and through the Internet, revealing their genitals and showing themselves engaged in various sexual acts. Instead of this being "shameful," it's trendy. Parents are becoming way too lax in allowing their children access to electronic equipment, from cell phones to the Internet, without any supervision. So, with a little "push" and little "pull" back, kids are getting themselves into situations which will impact them for a lifetime.When children behave like out-of-control celebrities, including drug use, sex, having out-of-wedlock babies, "shacking up," and testing their parents' limits as well as the limits of the law, they are less likely to be studying, participating in sports, or contributing charitably in their neighborhoods.Staff2010-05-13T08:02:32ZA Single Woman Weighs in on Stay-At-Home MomsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-Single-Woman-Weighs-in-on-Stay-At-Home-Moms/601.html2010-05-13T08:02:30Z2010-05-13T08:02:30Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I've been hearing from a lot of stay-at-home moms, and sharing some of their letters with you. I got this one from a woman who is
not
a mother, but who has strong feelings about those who stay at home with their kids:
My grandmother was a homemaker. My mother was divorced, and raised us without our "sperm donor" father, because she chose to leave an abuser. She worked at a company at night, so that she could walk us to school and help with homework (I didn't realize the magnitude of this when I was young, but I surely do now).
I'm over 40 now, and don't have any children, and I work full-time. However, with every job that I've ever taken, I've always known in the back of my mind that it would never be a "career," because I would eventually leave to be a stay-at-home mom. So, I had to come up with something that I could do to generate income and stay at home: writing.
I haven't quite pursued my writing "career" yet. I watch pregnant women around my office leave, have their babies, and come back. Some of them are married, and some not. Either way, I am dumbfounded that they would not rather be at home all day with the baby.
I never wanted to have children as a single woman without a husband. First, because I didn't want to have to do everything by myself. As it is now, I hate taking out my own trash, and wished that I had a husband who didn't mind taking on that chore! And second, because each parent's role is important. They
both
matter and make a great contribution. It's what all children want: a mommy and a daddy who are together and care about each other. So, as I get older and my biological clock "explodes," I've never been tempted to do it alone, i.e., just have a baby because that's what I want.
Maybe one day, I'll have a MAN who loves to call me his "girlfriend." In the meantime, I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I'll miss that joy of being able to stay at home with my baby and welcoming my husband home at the end of a hard day at work to provide for us.Staff2010-05-13T08:02:30ZShame, RevisitedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Shame,-Revisited/602.html2010-05-13T08:02:27Z2010-05-13T08:02:27Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>After posting a blog last Thursday (9/11/08) about "shame," I got this response from a reader:
I grew up in a Roman Catholic family. I attended parochial school, and I also became pregnant at 17. I was shamed and ostracized for what I had done, but I have to say that the "shaming" I received from my family and community actually led me back onto the right track.
I completed my high school diploma by attending school in the morning, and I began college at night (I was admitted to a local university because I was an honor student in my high school). I attended college with 30 and 40 year-olds! Ultimately, I graduated college and became a Certified Public Accountant.
This was a difficult path, and I recommend it to no one. I sacrificed much: my young adulthood. I did not do the things other kids my age did. I took care of my baby, I studied, and I cleaned houses. Although I was ashamed of becoming pregnant so young and out-of-wedlock, I loved my child more than life itself, and I always placed my child's needs before mine. I did not "party." I did not hang out with friends. I did not do things just for myself, and most of all, I did not whine.
I don't think most teens are capable of this, and most babies are probably better off being placed for adoption. I had my family's help - I was not tossed onto the streets, but my parents' expectations were high, and "I" was my child's caregiver (not my mom). I was the one up at night with my sick baby. I was the one who took him to the park and the doctor's office, and I was the one he came to depend on most.
I have been happily married now for many years to a man I am so blessed to have as my husband. I have three beautiful children. I have chosen to stay home with my younger kids and not work outside of the house. I ALWAYS hated to leave my oldest child and felt tremendous guilt when I headed off to school for the day or to clean houses.
It's an absolute treasure to be a stay-at-home mom. My job in life now is to provide a warm home environment, and to be there for my hubby and kids. By the way, the baby boy I had at 17 is now an honor student at [a major university], and quite a wonderful young man. To this day, I still feel remorse that my oldest did not have the same childhood as my other two kids. I feel I cheated him, and I suppose I always will.Staff2010-05-13T08:02:27ZDo Women Fare Better With the GOP?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Do-Women-Fare-Better-With-the-GOP/603.html2010-05-13T08:02:26Z2010-05-13T08:02:26Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Barack Obama and Joseph Biden are both fishing for the women's vote - especially disenchanted Hillary Clinton feminists. Biden has insisted that Republicans, including Sarah Palin, represent a step backwards for women. But when you look at the labor market data from the Census Bureau (as Professor Casey Mulligan of the University of Chicago has in a new study), to figure out "
the amount and reasons for women's progress in the labor market since the 1960s"
something very interesting is revealed.
(Wall Street Journal 9/12/08).
In 1988, the last full year of Republican Ronald Reagan's administration, wage growth for women working full-time throughout the year
improved
by 8.3% from the end of the Democratic administration of Jimmy Carter.
"Johnson, Carter, and Clinton were all Democrats, yet none of them witnessed much labor-market progress for women during their administrations: eight years of Reagan, four years of George H.W. Bush, and six years of George W. Bush."
The Nixon-Ford administrations were the only Republican administrations that didn't make it to this list of forward momentum for women. In the
Quarterly Journal of Economics
, August, 2008, Professor Mulligan and Yona Rubenstein (from Brown University) calculated the statistics that showed women's annual wage growth relative to men's: Under Republican administrations, women's annual wage growth relative to men was .0.87% under George W. Bush, 1.4% under George H.W. Bush, and 1.6% under Ronald Reagon. Under Democratic administrations, women fared less well. Their annual wage growth relative to men was 0.21% under Bill Clinton, 0.04% under Jimmy Carter, and
minus
1% under Lyndon Johnson. I
like
that color lipstick, especially if the kids are grown or Daddy is home with the kidlets.Staff2010-05-13T08:02:26Z57 Years Married and Still "Hot" for Each OtherStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/57-Years-Married-and-Still-Hot-for-Each-Other/604.html2010-05-13T08:02:23Z2010-05-13T08:02:23Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I read this email on the air, but it's so good, I wanted to share it with everyone:
Dr. Laura:
You gave me a most wonderful 79th birthday present today, in the form of a caller who showed the typical stupidity of the male. He was married to his second wife for 25 years, and was concerned, because, while he still enjoyed her, he was not sure that he still really LOVED her.
I have enjoyed your daily "classes" for years, and have learned much. But there is one class I believe I am uniquely prepared to present. The ladies learn much about "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" from your book and daily sessions. You tell the ladies how to work us guys, and of your power over us.
Right back at you, my dear! I have had my magnificent lady eating out of my hands for 57 years, and once in a while, I still playfully remind her that she is just my "first" wife. You gals aren't all that complicated. The answer is simple: as you get what you need or want, you are more willing to give. That's the same principle you preach to the girls.
What does it take? Really, not much - just a little TLC gets big payoffs. Try:
1. FLOWERS - for no special occasion or guilty conscience. A single rose willWork. No greater mileage for $1.50.
2."I LOVE YOU" - Tell her or show her at least 10 times every day. It's easy. There are so many ways to say it, and even more important, to show it.
3. COFFEE IN BED - No big deal. The coffee maker is automatic, and the payoff at my house is BIG. It always begins with a "thank you" that sounds like it was the first time ever. She gets this treatment most every day, and if I sleep in, well, then I get to say "thank you!"
4. REASSURE HER - Tell her how good she is, and back her up every time you can. She will thank you for it.
Does it really work? YES! My LADY loves to tell her friends who often bemoan their love lives and multiple "whatever's." She tells them "The best thing I could wish for you is to be married to my Don for a week."
Making love to my 75 year old lady is wonderful, and I have the thrill of making her enjoy her sex. (Wow.) My greatest honor was to be invited into her body so long ago. She was all mine at 18 and still is. As the subtle changes came along in her life and body, I was happy, because I knew that I was part of each of them. She still has great looking "boobs" and a beautiful behind. I love handing her the towel as she steps out of the shower with that great welcoming smile.
Tomorrow, after breakfast of coffee in bed at 6AM with toast, fruit, and melon, I plan to "have my way" with her once again. And I have a rose that says it will work!
The luckiest guy you will ever hear from,
Don
P.S. Thanks for being there when we really needed your guidance.Staff2010-05-13T08:02:23ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/605.html2010-05-13T08:02:22Z2010-05-13T08:02:22ZStaff2010-05-13T08:02:22Z"Shame" on YouStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Shame-on-You/606.html2010-05-13T08:02:19Z2010-05-13T08:02:19Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Recently, I came across a newspaper's Letter to the Editor written by a well-known television personality. She'd gotten pregnant out-of-wedlock at 17, and had to endure
"...[my] mother's disappointment, my father's anger, the priest's admonishment...[T]he shame and ridicule were more than I could bear. I was no good. I had messed up. I knew it. My dreams and life were shattered. Days later, I was married off and sent away. I said I did not love this man. I was told: 'You made your bed; now you must lie in it.'"
She went on to recount the damage to her self-esteem (which she called
"life-threatening"
) and described being ostracized and condemned as a "bad" girl,
"when I had tried hard all my life to do well and make my parents proud."
While it's natural to feel compassion for someone who has faced that kind of negative reaction from all the significant adults in her life, it's important to point out that this situation was not all about
her
. And it seems like this author still doesn't get it. It
is
about the innocent, dependent child who finds himself or herself in an unprepared, chaotic, non-committed, immature and fragile situation by being born to a teenager and her male counterpart who are having a sexual relationship and are not prepared for the biological consequences: a pregnancy.The concept of "feeling shame" is a very human, emotional/social mechanism. Its purpose is to deter people from engaging in behaviors that will have negative consequences for them, for others who may be victimized by their behavior, and for the community and society as a whole. The motivation behind those who rage
against
"shame" is to dissociate behavior from consequence. These days, judgment of others is considered a bad thing because it hurts feelings, but having hurt feelings (particularly if they're the result of actions which cause pain to others) is a good thing; it is part of having a conscience. Only good people feel guilt. Only good people suffer from doing ill to others. It's human, natural, expected and respected for people to suffer over their wrongdoing. To complain, however, that wrongdoing should not result in any negative reaction is immature and defensive and contrary to the notion of taking responsibility for how one's actions impact others.The author of the letter complains about having to marry the young man - whom she didn't love - in order to legitimize the baby and take responsibility as a family for the child's welfare. Why is that a bad thing? Why was she having sexual relations with someone for whom she didn't have the highest regard and wouldn't have chosen to be the father of her future children? Is it not in the best interest of the child to have the foundation of a family?Submitting to responsibility for a dependent child seems like a noble action to me. Staying mutually committed for the well-being of another human being sounds noble to me. And many can report that people so inclined grow together and build a strong love and family foundation. These ideals, however, don't often resonate with people who marry this young. That is why adoption is often the best solution for the child.The author of this letter was making the point that the media shouldn't focus on those young men and women who make this sort of "mistake," because it hurts their feelings and because these are private issues. Generally, these
are
private issues, but when people in the public eye and their families display behaviors which undermine role-modeling obligations or expectations, it
should
be examined publicly, because impressionable youngsters take their cues from their environment. When there is no public "shame" for destructive, hurtful or illegal behaviors our children see and emulate, the disasters grow exponentially.The author writes :
"If my pregnancy - my deepest shame - had been broadcast for all to know about, I might have taken my life."
Clearly, now that the author is a mature woman, she is making her own "shameful" history public and is
not
suicidal. Maturity is an important factor in dealing with serious issues, which is precisely why children should not be engaging in activities that endanger the lives of innocent people (as we've seen with fetuses being aborted or newborns tossed in dumpsters or toilets). The young women themselves are at risk when they have a child's view of how "life is over" just because they're embarrassed. So, instead of railing about how upsetting shame is to a pregnant youngster, it is important to point out to all the other young people out there what dangerous ground they tread when they "walk" as responsible adults, but in reality have the footprints of naïve children. Taking this story public is a way to warn children away from playing with the "perks" of committed adults when they are in no position to take on the responsibilities of their actions, nor to cope well with the emotional fallout.We are in an era which judges "judgment" as evil. It isn't. Morals, values, principles and ethics are prophylactics against pain and destruction, and not just somebody's evil attempt to wrest momentary pleasure from the grip of innocent bystanders.Staff2010-05-13T08:02:19ZDr. Laura, You Had No Influence On My Decision!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dr.-Laura,-You-Had-No-Influence-On-My-Decision!/607.html2010-05-13T08:02:18Z2010-05-13T08:02:18Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Today, I'm turning my blog over to Nicole, who wrote the following:
Dr. Laura:
I'm glad to be able to tell you I'm sorry, but you had nothing to do with my long-ago-made decision to be an at-home mom to my children. I made that choice long before I started listening to you (at the ancient age of 19).
I am nearly 29 and extremely proud to tell you that my very own Mom was "her kids' mom" all my growing-up life. She did this while it was very popular to go to work, have a career and leave kids with the sitter or latch-key programs. I had very little idea that moms even went to work until friends or teachers would ask me what my mom "did." I'd look at them weirdly and think it was a funny question to ask...she lives at home and bakes, fixes our meals, does the laundry, picks us up from school every day, and watches my younger siblings! Who else would do those things if Mom didn't?
I remember going home in the first grade and asking Mom what her job title was, because the teacher needed to know for our yearbook. "Homemaker," she'd say proudly! She has been my biggest influence in modeling and reinforcing what a stay-at-home mom should look like...creative, resourceful, smart, kind, loving and self-sacrificing (and always beautiful)! Your preaching, teaching, and nagging only reinforces the atmosphere I grew up with.
Thanks for all you do for all the women who didn't grow up with my Mom.
Nicole
P.S. I
will
give you this - you did help me when I was seeking and selecting my husband. I had to find a man who would SUPPORT me in my long-ago-made "choice of lifestyle." I found him, and COULD NOT have done ANY better! And, of course, Mom approves too!Staff2010-05-13T08:02:18ZI Kinda, Sorta Agree With One of My CriticsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/I-Kinda,-Sorta-Agree-With-One-of-My-Critics/608.html2010-05-13T08:02:17Z2010-05-13T08:02:17Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I recently wrote a column for a publication in which I reiterated my position on day-care, and one of my comments was:
"Tearing children away from their homes and families [for day care] is somewhere between sinister and cruel."
A reader of the column wrote a letter-to-the-editor taking exception to my comment and countering with:
"...there are many benefits to day care, including health screenings, nutritious meals, socialization and active play away from the TV."
Could not agree with her more! Where mothers and fathers can't or won't provide their children with food, medical care, friends in the park, and attention and play, being shunted over to an institutionalized setting may definitely be a godsend!I'm still waiting, however, for the proof that children do better or equal in day-care than with a loving, attentive, involved mommy or daddy.Staff2010-05-13T08:02:17ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/609.html2010-05-13T08:02:15Z2010-05-13T08:02:15ZStaff2010-05-13T08:02:15ZAcademic Problems Occur More Often in Step-FamiliesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Academic-Problems-Occur-More-Often-in-Step-Families/610.html2010-05-13T08:02:15Z2010-05-13T08:02:15Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>While it should come as no surprise that psychological, social and academic functioning are impacted negatively by children raised in family chaos, or in situations of profound change and stress, Dr. Kathryn Harker Tillman from Florida State University reports that, on average, adolescents living with half- or step-siblings have lower grades and more school-related behavior problems, and these problems may not improve over time.
"These findings imply that family formation patterns that bring together children who have different sets of biological parents may not be in the best interests of the children involved. Yet half of all American step-families include children from previous relationships of both partners, and the majority of parents in step-families go on to have additional children together. ("Non-traditional" Siblngs and the Academic Outcomes of Adolescents,
Social Science Research, 37(1)Staff2010-05-13T08:02:15ZArmy Prep SchoolStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Army-Prep-School/611.html2010-05-13T08:02:13Z2010-05-13T08:02:13Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>As more young males drop out of high school -- aimless, and getting into all sorts of trouble - the Army has come up with a plan that solves problems for the youth, as well as for the military: prep school.
"It's academic immersion,"
explained Col. Jeffrey Sanderson, chief of staff at Fort Jackson, home of the Army's largest basic training school.
"Our studies show that with only 3 out of 10 people of military age being capable of joining the Army, we are going to have to do something different." (Associated Press, 8/27/08)
The Army turned six World War II-era buildings at the base into a mini-campus of Spartan classrooms and barracks. Classes of about 60 soldiers will enter the month-long program every week. Their day begins at 5 AM with physical training, eight hours of academic review classes, and homework each night. It's a tough and structured day. Grouped three to four to a class, the students work on GED preparation books.Recruits must score in the top half of the Army's aptitude test to qualify for the prep school and they get two tries at a GED certificate. If they don't pass on the second try, the Army releases them from their contract.The Army prefers those who graduate from high school on their own, as it demonstrates tenacity, but that some young men might have quit high school for a wide variety of reasons is a consideration.
"These kids may have quit at some point, but the big thing is, a lot of people have quit on them. We are not going to allow them to quit,"
commented the school's commander, Captain Brian Gaddis.Staff2010-05-13T08:02:13ZSarah Palin and MotherhoodStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Sarah-Palin-and-Motherhood/612.html2010-05-13T08:02:11Z2010-05-13T08:02:11Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I am extremely disappointed in the choice of Sarah Palin as the Vice Presidential candidate of the Republican Party. I will still vote for Senator McCain, because I am very concerned about having a fundamental leftist, especially one who is a marvelous orator, as President.At first, I thought it amusing that McCain picked a pretty, smart, and tough female to counter the racist/sexist accusations going back and forth between parties. I remember how Oprah Winfrey got caught in the cross-fire as she stepped up to the political table to support Obama with pride that a black man could rise to such heights in the USA, only to get slammed by feminists who told her it was gender, not race, that she should back. Understandably, Ms. Winfrey pulled back from it all.Forget gender and race. I'm frankly and sadly caught in the dilemma of having to balance policy versus example in touting a candidate for the office of the First Family. I was ferociously attacked (what's new?) when I spoke out strongly against Bill Clinton's dalliances in the Oval Office. That situation quickly turned into a debate whether "private has anything to do with public." Nonsense. Role models are very important. Children and young adults look to those who are visible and successful as a road map of what is acceptable behavior and emulate those actions over the morals and values their parents and churches have taught and tried to reinforce. It's a tough go these days, when the "bad that men or women do" is used for entertainment purposes without judgment, or is excused because of political or financial considerations.I'm stunned - couldn't the Republican Party find one competent female with adult children to run for Vice President with McCain? I realize his advisors probably didn't want a "mature" woman, as the Democrats keep harping on his age. But really, what kind of role model is a woman whose fifth child was recently born with a serious issue, Down Syndrome, and then goes back to the job of Governor within days of the birth?I am haunted by the family pictures of the Palins during political photo-ops, showing the eldest daughter, now pregnant with her own child, cuddling the family's newborn. When Mom and Dad both work full-time (no matter how many folks get involved with the children), it becomes a somewhat chaotic situation. Certainly, if a child becomes ill and is rushed to the hospital, and you're on the hotline with both Israel and Iran as nuclear tempers are flaring, where's your attention going to be? Where
should
your attention be? Well, once you put your hand on the Bible and make that oath, your attention has to be with the government of the United States of America.I am positively moved that neither Sarah nor her daughter were willing to terminate the lives of their unborn children. This is in sharp contrast to Obama's statement that
"When it comes specifically to HIV/AIDS, the most important prevention is education, which should include...which should include abstinence education and teaching children...teaching children, you know, that sex is not something casual. But it should also include - it should also include other, you know, information about contraception, because, look, I've got two daughters, 9 years old and 6 years old. I am going to teach them first of all about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don't want them punished with a baby." (March, 2008)
So, one Vice Presidential candidate and her daughter demonstrate, under conditions of great stress, that babies are valued human beings, not punishment. However, that same VP candidate came forth in April of 2008 with a proclamation for "Family Child Care Week," in which she wrote:
"These professionals are positive role models for the children they care for and the communities they serve."
Clearly, Palin sees the need for positive role models. I suggest that they be Mommy and Daddy, and not the hired help.Child-care facilities are a necessity when mothers and fathers (when they exist at all) are unwilling or incapable of caring for their offspring. Unfortunately, they have become a mainstay of the feminista mentality that nothing should stand in the way of a woman's ambition -
nothing,
including her family.Any full-time working wife and mother knows that the family takes the short end of the stick. Marriages and the welfare of children suffer when a stressed-out mother doesn't have time to be a woman, a wife, and a hands-on Mommy.Staff2010-05-13T08:02:11ZStem Cells Without Embryonic DeathStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Stem-Cells-Without-Embryonic-Death/613.html2010-05-13T08:02:10Z2010-05-13T08:02:10Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Anybody who knows anything knows that stem cells are useful tools in the treatment of certain specific diseases. Anybody who knows anything also knows that the argument about using embryonic stem cells is an argument that doesn't have to happen.Stem cells are found in a wide variety of places, including body fat, umbilical cord blood, and now, Japanese scientists
report
that they have derived stem cells from....wisdom teeth!Researchers at the government-backed National Institute of Advanced Industrial Science and Technology said they created stem cells of the type found in human embryos using the removed wisdom teeth of a 10 year old girl.Stem cells, which can develop into various organs or nerves, are seen as having the potential to save lives by helping find cures for diseases such as cancer, diabetes, Parkinson's, and many others. People who give up their wisdom teeth in their youth could use the stem cells later in life if they need treatment.Japan is the largest spender on scientific research after the United States. In December, they announced a $92 million plan to advance stem cell research over five years.Staff2010-05-13T08:02:10ZPreschool Bad for ChildrenStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Preschool-Bad-for-Children/614.html2010-05-13T08:02:08Z2010-05-13T08:02:08Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>One of the main issues for the Democrats is their passion for getting children into preschools. Democratic Presidential candidate Obama says he believes in universal preschool, and that he'd pump billions of dollars into early childhood education, promising improved academic performance.Sadly, the past 50 years have seen a huge increase in families who put kids in pre-school: from 16% to 70%! In addition to being separated from parents way too early, the problem is that fourth-grade reading, science, and math scores on the National Assessment of Educational Progress (NAEP) haven't gone up since the early 1970's. Hmmm.For decades, I've read the studies about Head Start. Those studies indicate an immediate gain on IQ tests and other cognitive measures, but show that in later years, those scores become indistinguishable from non-Head Start kids.Why the heck is there such determination to take small children away from their homes and mothers, and put them in an institutionalized setting, which does not add to their lives, but actually subtracts from them? A 2005 study from Stanford University and the University of California, Berkeley (neither of which is known as a conservative institution) found that kindergartners with 15 or more hours of preschool every week were less motivated and more aggressive in class than other kids.In Canada, the C.D. Howe Institute found a higher incidence of anxiety, hyperactivity, and poor social skills among kids in Quebec after the introduction of universal preschool. As you might imagine, the only preschool programs that seem to do more good than harm are targeted at children who come from extremely poor families (often those with neglectful and/or addicted parents). Even so, the return (adult crime, earnings, wealth and welfare dependence) were much smaller (16 cents for every dollar spent) than Obama's notion of a $10 return. Universal preschool programs in Oklahoma, Georgia and Tennessee
(2006, Education Week analysis)
find no statistical difference in the performance of preschool and non-preschool students on any subject after the first grade.Enough with the government intruding on parents' abilities to make educational choices for their children by guilt or mandate, without any substantiation that there is a positive benefit. Common sense should tell you that small children are best served by a loving mommy.The reality is that the overwhelming majority of children come from loving homes with attentive parents. Tearing children away from their homes and families for government-run, institutionalized learning programs that demonstrate absolutely no concrete benefit to the children is somewhere between sinister and cruel.By the way, Obama's daughters go to a private school whose annual fee in middle school runs around $20,000.Staff2010-05-13T08:02:08ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/615.html2010-05-13T08:02:07Z2010-05-13T08:02:07ZStaff2010-05-13T08:02:07ZFirst Comes Sex...Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/First-Comes-Sex.../616.html2010-05-13T08:02:05Z2010-05-13T08:02:05Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>When I was a kid, all the sitcoms showed married couples sleeping in separate beds. Evidently, it was unseemly to show married couples sharing the same mattress, lest the idea of "sex" pop into anybody's mind!These days, it appears that TV finds
marriage
unseemly - but not the sex.A recent study by the Parents Television Council shows that marriage gets little respect on network television. Instead, extra-marital, kinky sex, partner-swapping, and pedophilia are more likely to get center screen.The report said that visual references to practices such as voyeurism and sado-masochistic sex outnumbered married sex references by a ratio approaching 3 to 1. The report contends
"Behavior that once was seen as fringe, immoral, or socially destructive has been given the imprimatur of acceptability by the television industry and children are absorbing or even imitating it."
When parents want to identify and block such programs via the V-Chip, they're lulled into complacency by the inaccurate and inconsistent designations, such as "S," signaling sexual content.The programs the Parents Television Council included in their report were from four weeks of scripted shows on the major networks at the start of the 2007-2008 season. ABC, CBS, CW, Fox, and NBC, the networks in the study, all declined to comment.It's disgusting that the so-called "family hour," the first hour of prime-time TV, which draws the most young viewers, contains the highest ratio of references to non-married sex vs. married sex.Staff2010-05-13T08:02:05ZRespect for Elders, Part 2Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Respect-for-Elders,-Part-2/617.html2010-05-13T08:02:03Z2010-05-13T08:02:03Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I received a ton of mail about the call I described in yesterday's blog. The following letter from a listener is representative of the wide range of reactions people had to that call:
Dr. Laura:While listening to your program with my incredibly sexy husband yesterday, I couldn't help but feel some sadness and frustration toward the caller who resented her loved one with dementia.
My grandparents, who will celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary in just over a month, are currently battling dementia, and watching the progression of the disease can be heart-wrenching. I spent so much time with my "Pop" and "Mi-mommy," learning important principles like "Can't never could do anything," and "pretty is as pretty does." They were known by others for their compassion, kindness, and wonderful wit.
They both began experiencing symptoms of dementia about three years ago, with simple forgetfulness turning into frequent short-term memory loss and the loss of the ability to perform simple tasks. Dementia is a progressive illness, and although they battle it with all their might by taking medications to help slow the disease, we can see the constant decline. Resentment has not been a feeling anyone has expressed.
When my grandfather tells the same story 5 or 6 times in a 30-minute period, we listen like it is the first time we've ever heard it told. When my grandmother weaves together in her mind multiple stories and comes up with a muddled collage of a past experience, we engage her and help her to recall the old memories. When they are struggling to remember how to pour water in a glass or operate the TV, we patiently help them recall. We don't do it out of obligation or even to keep from feeling guilty. We do it because, years ago, THEY taught us to show kindness and love and compassion.
I work in hospice, and on a professional level, I know all too well the course this mean, aggressive disease takes. I cherish every moment that they can tell me a story, and I will treasure every time I hug them and they know who I am. I know that one day, I will sit down and hold their hands and they won't be able to tell a story, and they won't know who I am. They won't be able to hold their heads up or smile, but I will still be there with them, because that's the person they have helped me to become. If I sat with them and listened to them and held their hands every day for the rest of my life, there is no way I could repay them for what they have given me.
In October, I'll be walking in the Alzheimer's Association Memory Walk (
http://www.alz.org/memorywalk/
) in honor of my grandparents. I will do everything I can to fight this brutal disease and I beg those in our society to think about the compassion we owe our fellow man. A wise physician I once worked with said "The measure of a society can be seen in how we treat our young, our old, and our dying." I pray that our society does not let me down, and that we treat our elders with the love, respect and dignity they deserve.
Striving to be half as wonderful as my grandparents,
AlisonStaff2010-05-13T08:02:03ZRespect for EldersStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Respect-for-Elders/618.html2010-05-13T08:02:02Z2010-05-13T08:02:02Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I was a bit flabbergasted when a recent caller to my radio program described how incredibly resentful she was that her elderly aunt, deep in Alzheimer's Disease, would repeat and repeat and repeat old history again and again and again. This caller was furious that her aunt wouldn't recognize her, wouldn't deal with the here and now, and was so "unbelievably annoying with the same old stories."What pressed my "flabbergasted" button the most was that this caller had been neglected and abandoned by her mother and father and had been raised by this aunt. Notions of gratitude, graciousness, patience and, above all, respect seemed beyond her view, as she was simply focused on what she wasn't getting from her aunt
now
. This caller was no sensitive, confused, naïve teenager - she was in her late forties!I explained that the word shouldn't be "wouldn't;" it is, indeed, "couldn't." It was as though the caller was hauling her resentment about her abandonment by her parents into this "mental abandonment" by her aunt, and making the decision not to see her aunt anymore out of ancient, misplaced rage.By the end of the call, I think she understood and realized that, as uncomfortable and annoying as her aunt's behavior might be, she was as honor-bound to be there for her aunt, as the aunt had been there for her.Staff2010-05-13T08:02:02ZOlympic StoriesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Olympic-Stories/619.html2010-05-13T08:02:01Z2010-05-13T08:02:01ZStaff2010-05-13T08:02:01ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/620.html2010-05-13T08:02:00Z2010-05-13T08:02:00ZStaff2010-05-13T08:02:00ZIt's Not Over Until ...Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Its-Not-Over-Until-.../621.html2010-05-13T08:01:58Z2010-05-13T08:01:58Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>As I have mentioned on the air many times, I race sailboats. I've won some races and lost some, but the favorite wins have been the ones that I least expected would or could happen. I remember the time that we were over early at the start and had to do a penalty turn of 360 degrees,
after
getting out of the way of the other starting boats. We had a heck of a time starting again, as, by the time we finished our penalty turn, many boats were already in our way. This incident happened early on in my sailing training, and I became despondent almost immediately, because I realized we now had absolutely no chance of even a third place finish, let alone a first. My coach and tactician sternly yanked me out of my doldrums and told me that we were "down but not out," and we had to work even harder now to catch up. Frankly, I thought this was philosophically lovely, but hugely impractical, and I could barely see the sterns of the boats in front of us as they had so much distance on us.Nonetheless, after considering breeze, windshifts, current, direction choices, steering, and crew work, there were enough variables to work with to keep our chins up. We pulled together as a team, and worked very hard to maximize every option we had, and we ended up winning the race. I learned a lot that day. It's a lot more gratifying to succeed when it is a righteous challenge than when it seems like more of a slam dunk.Jason Lezak knew this lesson. Fifty meters from the finish line in the 4x 100 meter freestyle relay at the Beijing Olympics, Mr. Lezak doubted he could overcome the half-body length lead of his French opponent, Alain Bernard, who also happened to hold the world record in the 100-meter freestyle.Instead of just accepting the probable loss, a determined Mr. Lezak pulled grit from down deep, and swam the fastest he's ever done, and touched the electronically sensored wall, winning by eight one-hundredths of a second. He shattered a world record and won a gold medal. And then he heard the fat lady sing...the American national anthem!Staff2010-05-13T08:01:58ZFat by 40Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Fat-by-40/622.html2010-05-13T08:01:57Z2010-05-13T08:01:57Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>No, I don't mean by the
age
of forty; I mean that if the trends of the past thirty years continue, it's possible that every American adult could be overweight forty years from now. This is the warning coming from the Federal government's Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality. You can read all about this in the journal
Obesity (online 7/24/08).
They estimate that 86% of American adults will be overweight by 2030, with an obesity rate of 51%. By 2048,
all
U.S. adults could be at least mildly overweight, a/k/a
fat
.The researchers also estimate that the healthcare costs directly related to excess body weight will double each decade, and reach almost $1 trillion in 2030, accounting for at least one of every six healthcare dollars spent in the USA.Being fat is voluntary. Healthcare costs are skyrocketing, largely because people "volunteer" to move less and eat more. Our Presidential candidates can mull over healthcare plans, but we need to take more personal responsibility for the state of our own health.Staff2010-05-13T08:01:57ZLip Syncing at the OlympicsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Lip-Syncing-at-the-Olympics/623.html2010-05-13T08:01:56Z2010-05-13T08:01:56Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Why have all the talking heads on every network and cable show gone on and on about the Chinese using one girl to lip-sync for another girl who was "singing" their National Anthem? Evidently, the girl with the great voice was not considered by Chinese authorities to be as "cute" as the one they used on the broadcast.This is American media hypocrisy at best. I figure that if you don't have great legs, cleavage and long blonde hair, you probably can't get a job on Fox News at any time of the day or night. All the blondes are anything but dumb - they're exceptionally smart, as a matter of fact - but they're all "babes." Whatsa problem with hiring a few plain women with brains too?Did people feel sorry for Marni Nixon because she only got to sing while Deborah Kerr (The King and I)), Natalie Wood (West Side Story) and Audrey Hepburn (My Fair Lady) provided the faces for Ms. Nixon's voice?I'm told by an insider that many of the stage performances of singing stars are "rigged," in that the voice you hear has been pre-taped and worked over electronically.I haven't seen Greta van Susteren or Nancy Grace spend weeks on the death of anybody who was "plain" looking either.The little girl with the beautiful voice gave the gift of the performance and was probably well compensated by her government.The hypocrisy from our media about "looks" not mattering is ridiculous. I wish I had the patent on Botox just for Beverly Hills.Staff2010-05-13T08:01:56ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/624.html2010-05-13T08:01:54Z2010-05-13T08:01:54ZStaff2010-05-13T08:01:54ZAntibiotics and SinusitisStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Antibiotics-and-Sinusitis/625.html2010-05-13T08:01:54Z2010-05-13T08:01:54Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Because I need my voice for my daily radio program, I've been quick to use the Z-pack (zithromycin) whenever I get the feeling I have a sinus issue. Evidently that's been the wrong thing to do.It turns out that almost 21% of antibiotic prescriptions written in the U.S. for adults are for sinusitis, even though studies show the drugs often do little or no good in the overwhelming majority of cases that begin as viral infections. Less than 2% of those turn into bacterial infections (the kind that CAN be helped by antibiotics) so the American Academy of Otolaryngology suggests that you wait 10 days after the onset of a sinus problem. If you're still suffering after 10 days, then it's antibiotic time. Otherwise, saline irrigation, Tylenol, topical steroids and decongestant sprays (used for no more than three days) are the way to go.Staff2010-05-13T08:01:54ZTexting Can Be Dangerous to Your Life!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Texting-Can-Be-Dangerous-to-Your-Life!/626.html2010-05-13T08:01:52Z2010-05-13T08:01:52Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>It was a minor news item when a Barack Obama aide fell off a Chicago curb while texting on her BlackBerry. Evidently, she is one of way too many people getting hurt as they text while doing something else at the same time. The ability to multi-task can be a great thing, unless it's taking attention away from where you are walking, bicycling, rollerblading, driving, cooking, and even riding a horse!The American College of Emergency Physicians has even put out an alert, because of the rising reports from doctors around the country who are seeing injuries as a result of text-messaging "on the go." Two people in California have died while texting as they crossed the street, because they weren't looking around at their surroundings before stepping off the curb.I've been amazed to see bicycle riders pumping quickly around my neighborhood while either holding a cell phone to their ear or texting with one hand, while supposedly steering their bike with the other. It's amazing to see, but quite dangerous to do.Staff2010-05-13T08:01:52ZTorture, Hamas StyleStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Torture,-Hamas-Style/627.html2010-05-13T08:01:51Z2010-05-13T08:01:51Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>While the terrorist groups Hamas and Fatah fight for dominance in the Palestinian regions, one of their means of demoralizing each other actually concerns the issue of facial hair.
The Jerusalem Post
reports that Hamas has resumed its policy of shaving the mustaches of rival Fatah members to humiliate them as a form of punishment in its struggle to assert dominance over Palestinian politics.In response, the Aksa Martyrs Brigades issued a statement strongly condemning the use of shaving as punishment. I can only imagine the uproar and the blogosphere going crazy if it had been
American
military who shaved a jihadist's mustache in order to get valued information.Staff2010-05-13T08:01:51ZWhy You Love Junk FoodStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-You-Love-Junk-Food/628.html2010-05-13T08:01:49Z2010-05-13T08:01:49Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Asked by the Pew Research Organization why they choose to eat so much junk food, the respondents overwhelmingly say it's due to its convenience. The second most common reason is junk food's good flavor, and the third reason is because it is so heavily advertised. Fourth is its affordability, and the final reason why people eat so much junk food is "ignorance of food values." Yeah, I really believe that last reason!Since approximately three-quarters of the respondents eat junk food out of convenience, it seems a good time for them to re-work their lives so that breakfast and dinner are family meals at home, and lunch is considered a lighter repast to keep the engines going during the day.Want to really relieve stress? Take off your figurative plate all the overscheduling - running around with too many activities and piling on too many responsibilities. Two-career homes leave little time for the lovely, "home-y" amenities. Rethink your lives and you'll probably live longer, while being healthier and happier. Having lots of personal possessions and living beyond your means is a disastrous recipe for stress that leads to all kinds of self-destructive behaviors.Staff2010-05-13T08:01:49ZOlympics, Chinese StyleStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Olympics,-Chinese-Style--/629.html2010-05-13T08:01:47Z2010-05-13T08:01:47Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>"Beijing officials have distributed 4.3 million copies of an etiquette book, outlining rules on good manners and foreign customs, including rules about what not to wear,"
according to
The Wall Street Journal (8/1/08) "Among the no-nos: more than three color shades in an outfit, white socks with black shoes, and pajamas and slippers in public."
It should be interesting for the Chinese citizens who obey these rules to see the foreigners in sweat pants, jeans and flip-flops.Another issue for the Chinese government is the crackdown on any protesting during the Olympics. China just doesn't want to look bad to the almost half-million tourists who are there for the festivities. According to the Associated Press, probably several thousand Chinese protestors have already been locked up for the duration so they don't behave "inappropriately." Also, protestors had to apply for permission to demonstrate some five days in advance and had to acknowledge that they would not harm national interests. They were supposed to be relegated to one of three parks which are several miles from the main Olympic stadium, but in a report on Saturday, August 8 in the
Los Angeles Times
, the three parks where demonstrators were to be allowed were totally quiet. There were no signs of protest areas or of protesters, and, according to the
Times
, there were more security personnel than visitors at the parks. Foreigners who protested over the past week were deported, and the heavy security measures have forced most of the demonstrations to be held in other countries, including Tibet, India, Hong Kong, England, France, and Germany.Staff2010-05-13T08:01:47ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/630.html2010-05-13T08:01:45Z2010-05-13T08:01:45ZStaff2010-05-13T08:01:45ZThe Government is Making Me Eat Healthily!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Government-is-Making-Me-Eat-Healthily!/631.html2010-05-13T08:01:43Z2010-05-13T08:01:43Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>All those who don't follow the guidelines for good eating and no smoking are just going to have fewer choices available to them. Free will to be self-destructive is about to managed by the government.The Los Angeles City Council approved a one-year moratorium on new fast-food restaurants in a 32 square-mile area of South Los Angeles, an area plagued by above-average rates of obesity: 30% of adults, as compared with about 21% in the rest of LA. Nationally, 25.6% of adults are obese, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.When you look at the realities, an intact family with a homemaker mom or dad (versus a two-career, busy, busy, busy set of parents) generally results in everyone eating less fast food, and more nutritious at-home meals. But promoting marriage and a division of responsibilities is politically incorrect, isn't it?California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill into law ordering that, as of 2010, no California restaurant will be able to serve foods containing a harmful form of fats called
trans fats
. Baked goods containing trans fats will be banned in California as of 2011. If a product's list of ingredients contains the words "partially hydrogenated," the product contains trans fat, which is used to harden vegetable oils into shortening and margarine to help extend product shelf life. Trans fats lower "good" cholesterol (HDL) and contribute to other health problems.According to the
New England Journal of Medicine
, eliminating artificial trans fats from the food supply "could" prevent between 6 and 19 per cent of heart attacks and related deaths each year. Do you think there'll be an underground market for trans fat products?San Francisco is ready to become the first city in the nation to ban sales of tobacco products at pharmacies, which last year accounted for almost 20% of U.S. tobacco sales. The logic is that pharmacies are places people go to get healthy, so cigarettes ought not to be on the shelves as they are a known health hazard. Since trans fats are going to be off the supermarket shelves because they're unhealthy, shouldn't supermarkets stop selling cigarettes too?I am all for healthy habits. I work hard at eating as healthily as possible, generally ordering fish without sauces in restaurants and salad without dressing. As sauces, gravies, and dressing are very high in calories, perhaps they should be banned from restaurant recipes, or ordered only under a physician's approval...assuming you already have a very high HDL level.Lastly, restaurants around the country will soon have to post on menus the exact calorie count of a meal. It will blow your mind to see what you
thought
was healthy is actually loaded with hidden calories. There's a terrific book, called
"Eat This, Not That"
which will make your head explode when you find out where calories are hidden in some of your favorite meals.Staff2010-05-13T08:01:43ZWhat Exactly Is Abortion?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-Exactly-Is-Abortion/632.html2010-05-13T08:01:40Z2010-05-13T08:01:40Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A new draft regulation (which is still being revised and debated) from the Department of Health and Human Services will label most birth-control pills and intrauterine devices as "abortion," because they can work by preventing fertilized eggs from implanting in the uterus. The regulation would consider those items as devices for destroying
"the life of a human being."
The current administration could enact the regulation at any point without Congressional approval. The next President will have the power to reverse it.The regulation's stated purpose is to improve enforcement of existing Federal laws that protect some medical professionals'
"right to refuse to participate or assist in abortion."
Evidently, the draft argues that
"state laws too often coerce health-care workers into providing services they find immoral: requirements that emergency rooms offer rape victims the 'morning-after' pill, insurance plans cover contraception as part of prescription-drug benefits, and pharmacists fill prescriptions for birth control. The draft regulation would weaken these laws by expanding the right of conscientious objection." (Wall Street Journal, 7/31/08).
I've been aggravated by the objections of "Un"-Planned Parenthood and most women's activist groups to the required 24 hour waiting period, after a woman receives a consultation and mandated description and visualization of her fetus, before a final decision about abortion is made. I would equally be aggravated if women were not given sufficient informed consent to know what their options were, including the option of contraception.If a health-care provider believes in good faith that any of these techniques is "killing a child," then they have the moral and ethical obligation to make a referral, so that any woman can know all of her legal options.I'd like Planned Parenthood to put an adoption service in every one of their clinics.Staff2010-05-13T08:01:40ZWho Picked China for the Olympics?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Who-Picked-China-for-the-Olympics/633.html2010-05-13T08:01:38Z2010-05-13T08:01:38Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Being able to breathe seems to be a high priority for Olympic athletes - and in Beijing, that's going to be a bit of a challenge. However, according to Associated Press sources, China is working hard at it....cough...cough.Last week, Beijing's air pollution index dropped to 44 from its more typical number which is double that. A reading below 50 is considered "good," and between 51 and 100 is "moderate," but "moderate" is still above the World Heath Organization's guidelines for healthy air.Their polluted air has prompted the government to begin drastic measures, including the halting of most construction, the closing of machinery, chemical and construction factories, and the imposition of restrictions on half the city's 3.3 million vehicles. Many of the 10,500 Olympic athletes are heading to South Korea, Japan and other places to avoid Beijing's air for as long as possible. This is a kind of "reverse doping," as the impact of the city's pollution on the health and performance of these athletes is in question.Yet another risk is that of Islamic terrorism. Some of you have been led to believe that jihadism is a reaction or reasonable payback to America and her friends for being bad, bad places. So it might seem strange to you to find out that a Muslim group, claiming responsibility for a series of explosions in Chinese cities, is allegedly planning to attack the Beijing Olympic Games. According to the AP,
"earlier this year, the Chinese Ministry of Public Security said it had disrupted two plots to attack the Olympics. It claimed one group had been planning to kidnap athletes, foreign journalists, and other visitors, while a second had been manufacturing explosives and was plotting to attack hotels, government offices, and military targets in Shanghai, Beijing, and other cities...."
Just yesterday we heard about sixteen Chinese policemen who were killed in an attack on a border post in the Muslim region of Xinjiang.As if that were not enough, the Chinese government was planning to censor the Internet during the games. Reporters already in Beijing have been unable to access scores of web pages - particularly politically sensitive ones that discuss Tibetan succession and Taiwanese independence, as well as the sites of Amnesty International, Radio Free Asia and several Hong Kong newspapers.Oh, you should know that the International Olympic Committee quietly agreed to the Internet limitations...that is, the blocking of sites that were not Games-related. There was such an uproarfrom other countries, however, that China has backed off on this deal, and on Friday, the Chinese government announced that it will not censor the Internet during the competition.In 2001, when China won the right to host the Games, it made the commitment that it would improve its record on human rights and provide athletes with clean air. Without Friday's announcement (made only because of outside pressure), that would have made the score zero for two.Staff2010-05-13T08:01:38ZBlack and White ReignsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Black-and-White-Reigns/634.html2010-05-13T08:01:35Z2010-05-13T08:01:35Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Andrew Klavan, an award-winning author of mystery novels, wrote a brilliant op-ed piece in
The Wall Street Journal (7/25/08)
in which he stated exactly what I believe. He pointed out that liberal Hollywood films about the war on terror (
In the Valley of Elah, Rendition
, and
Redacted
) have all failed, largely because they propose to make the actions and philosophies of terrorists and coalition forces moral "equivalents," because they disrespect the military, and
"seem unable to distinguish the difference between America and Islamo-fascism."
These films depict "good" guys as indistinguishable from "bad" guys, ultimately
"denigrating the very heroes who defend us."
Klavan points out that the big blockbuster
The Dark Knight
, is a conservative movie about the war, like
300
before it, and these films value morality, faith, self-sacrifice and the nobility of fighting for the right. Liberal, ultimately anti-American, films are realistic and direct, while conservative, pro-values films are usually fantasies using comic-inspired heroes (
Lord of the Rings, The Chronicles of Narnia, Spiderman 3
).What makes the real world difficult is that "good" guys must defend values in a world that does not universally embrace them, and that puts "good" guys in the awful position of sometimes having to be intolerant, unkind, and brutal in order to ultimately defend the "good" values we love.As a psychotherapist, I talk to people on the air every day who try to keep out of the way of conflict, confrontation, and judgment, so they will be liked and seen as "good" guys. I remind them that "good" guys risk, and sometimes cross the line, to stand between evil and the innocent who need protection from the few.Instead, as Klavan points out,
"When heroes arise who take those difficulties on themselves, it is tempting for the rest of us to turn our backs on them, to vilify them in order to protect our own appearance of righteousness. We prosecute and execute the violent soldier or the cruel interrogator in order to parade ourselves as paragons of the peaceful values they preserve."
That means that sometimes good men have to kill ("murder" is to kill an innocent) to preserve life; that sometimes they must violate values in order to maintain those values. That's just a fact of real life in which good and evil have always co-existed.Staff2010-05-13T08:01:35ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/635.html2010-05-13T08:01:33Z2010-05-13T08:01:33ZStaff2010-05-13T08:01:33ZIn Praise of BikersStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/In-Praise-of-Bikers/636.html2010-05-13T08:01:31Z2010-05-13T08:01:31Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I don't think I've ever known a more magnanimous group of people than bikers. They get together to support an incredible range of charities in spite of the reality that they are generally not in the top 10% of America's most wealthy. Instead, they have the biggest hearts and are willing to share and do what it takes to be helpful to others in need - a truly remarkable group.Since I've been riding my Harley-Davidson Road King trike, I've experienced first-hand the camaraderie of bikers. Whenever bikers pass each other, they signal a kind of "hello" by raising their straightened left hand slightly. I am unaware of "road rage" behavior from bikers. It's the
car
drivers, seated in their metal containers, who seem to feel a sense of ownership of every part of the road on which they find themselves. Cars will cut off other cars with millimeters to spare, offering a finger gesture in response to the shocked or frightened motorist who has just been subjected to their outrageous maneuvering. Some will even wield a gun if particularly annoyed by being inconvenienced or held accountable for vehicular misbehavior.The first time I went on a major road with my bike, it was scary. I'd always pull over to the right to allow speeding cars to move past. The most frightening was when two lanes merged into one, and many drivers would speed to 70 or 90 mph just to gain an advantage and get past the bike. Now I see the safety factor in riding in a group!Staff2010-05-13T08:01:31ZAre Newspapers Biting the Dust?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Are-Newspapers-Biting-the-Dust/637.html2010-05-13T08:01:28Z2010-05-13T08:01:28Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>"It has fewer pages than three years ago, the paper stock is thinner, and the stories are shorter. The newsroom staff producing the paper is also smaller....Financial pressures sap its strength and threaten its very survival."
Nope, that isn't a statement about your local newspaper. It's a statement about the
American
daily newspaper of 2008, as reported by the Pew Research Center.
"This description is a composite. It is based on face-to-face interviews conducted at newspapers across the country, and the results of a detailed survey of senior newsroom executives. In total, more than 250 newspapers participated."
In total, more than one in every five of the nation's 1,217 daily newspapers participated, making it one of the broadest surveys of its kind in recent years.The majority of newspapers are now suffering cutbacks in staffing, and even more in the amount of news they offer the public. The forces buffeting the industry continue to impact larger metro newspapers to a far greater extent than smaller ones.Perhaps you've heard the recent announcements of a further round of huge newsroom staff reductions at large papers, including the
Los Angeles Times, The Chicago Tribune
, and
The Washington Post
, all known to be quite liberal in their perspectives. Let's also not forget
The New York Times
, that bastion of bias, with a second quarter drop of 82% in revenue, with print advertising continuing to shrink.The Pew Report was meant to document how newspapers are faring in the race between today's financial pressures and the innovative attempts to insure the industry's future. Many papers are expanding their web presence and getting into web TV to mobilize the rapid growth of web readership.One major area of concern, however, which has already cropped up in television news, is the pressure to have a constant flow of new material on the web, which means
"a loss of time to organize a thoughtful attack on a story, to think through precisely why a story is being done, or how to make that story more meaningful."
Newspapers have long had that luxury and that responsibility. Television and radio news, with their competitive immediacy, have veered toward the unexamined and notorious for the sake of ratings. We should be worried.Staff2010-05-13T08:01:28ZChildren "Forgotten" in Overheated CarsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Children-Forgotten-in-Overheated-Cars/638.html2010-05-13T08:01:26Z2010-05-13T08:01:26Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Thank goodness for technology, that's all I can say....no, it's not all I can say after all. The Associated Press reports that the number of children left to die in hot cars during the summer is rising. Research shows that July is the month when most are "forgotten" by their parents to die a slow, horrible death in the back seat of cars.Now, in addition to your cell phone, BlackBerry, iPod, iPhone, GPS device, Bluetooth and mini-tape recorder, you can buy a "ChildMinder." The device, costing about $60.00, consists of a sensor pad placed under the cushion of a car seat, and is wirelessly linked to an alarm on the parent's key chain. If the adult walks more than a few feet away from the car with the child still in the seat, the alarm will sound. Wow! What a great way to help a parent remember that they have a small human being with them!In the past 10 years, almost 350 children have died in cars, because the parents or other caretakers simply forgot them. Only about 7% of these sad deaths involved drugs or alcohol on the part of the adult. Most cases involved dentists, nurses, ministers, college professors, concert musicians, social services board members, NASA engineers...you know, the pillars of the community. These are the busy, self-involved folks always in a rush, for whom even dropping kids off at a day-care center instead of tending to the little ones themselves was too difficult an assignment.Astonishingly, these parents, when prosecuted at all (and only 50% of them are prosecuted), receive only three to five year prison sentences. Also astonishing is how much "understanding" public support they get from those who say "It can happen to anyone." No, it can't happen to anyone. It can happen only when parenting and family are not the highest priorities. It can happen only when parents spend their time focused on maximizing their own personal fulfillment at the expense - and very
existence
- of their children.Staff2010-05-13T08:01:26ZMy DNA Made Me Do It!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/My-DNA-Made-Me-Do-It!/639.html2010-05-13T08:01:24Z2010-05-13T08:01:24Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>At this point, every news outlet has discussed the conclusions of some researchers from the University of North Carolina. The researchers insist that three genes "may" play a strong role in determining why some young men raised in rough neighborhoods or deprived families become violent criminals, while others do not.The research team studied only boys, and used data from the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, a U.S. nationally representative sample of about 20,000 adolescents in grades 7 - 12. They found specific variations in three genes that appeared to be associated with bad behavior, but only when the boys suffered some other stresses.
"But if people with the same gene have a parent who has regular meals with them, then the risk is gone,"
said one of the researchers.Genes give us a
range
of potential - the interaction of those genes with real life determines the outcome - and it appears like family is everything with respect to raising decent, adjusted, functional children.Staff2010-05-13T08:01:24ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/640.html2010-05-13T08:01:23Z2010-05-13T08:01:23ZStaff2010-05-13T08:01:23ZFear Tactics and Free SpeechStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Fear-Tactics-and-Free-Speech/641.html2010-05-13T08:01:20Z2010-05-13T08:01:20Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Two year ago, a Danish journalist/cartoonist gave his political opinion with a newspaper cartoon that depicted a caricature of Muhammed, and there were death threats and rioting by those who described themselves as "offended." The cartoonist was arrested on charges of discrimination against Muslims.A Paris court also handed down a $23,325 fine against Brigitte Bardot, the former screen sex symbol and current animal rights campaigner. She was also ordered to pay $1,555 in damages to MRAP, a prominent French "anti-racist" group which filed a lawsuit over a letter she published in her animal rights foundation newsletter and which she also had sent to then-Interior Minister Nicolas Sarkozy. Evidently, she had criticized the Muslim feast of Aid-el-Kebir, which is celebrated by the slaughtering of sheep, and had expressed her concern that Muslim laws were beginning to dominate French culture and jurisprudence. French anti-racism laws prevent the incitement of hatred and discrimination on racial and/or religious grounds. Bardot had previously been convicted four times for "inciting racial hatred." Her attorney said,
"She is tired of this type of proceeding. She has the impression that people want to silence her."
No kidding.English courts are now becoming a popular destination for libel suits against American authors. The cases have largely been brought against American writers and scholars for criticizing Islam or "naming names" of those who appear to support and fund terrorism. To avoid costly litigation, some American publishers are withdrawing the publication of those books. Unlike in American law, in Britain, the burden of proof in libel cases is on the
author
, since British law considers the disputed information as false until proven true. Here in the United States, Senators Arlen Specter (R-PA) and Joseph Lieberman (Ind/D-CT) have introduced the Free Speech Protection Act of 2008, which bars U.S. courts from enforcing libel judgments issued in foreign courts against U.S. residents, if the speech would not be libelous under American law. The bill also permits American authors and publishers to countersue if the material is protected by the First Amendment of the US Constitution. This legislation wouldn't protect those who recklessly or maliciously print false information, but it would ensure that Americans are held to and protected by American standards.According to Specter and Lieberman as quoted in
The Wall Street Journal
(7/14/08)
:
"The 1964 Supreme Court decision in NY Times vs. Sullivan established that journalists must be free to report on newsworthy events unless they recklessly or maliciously publish falsehoods. At that time, opponents of civil rights were filing libel suits to silence news organizations that exposed state officials' refusal to enforce federal civil rights laws. Now we are engaged in another great struggle - this time against Islamic terror - and again, the enemies of freedom seek to silence free speech. Our legislation will help ensure that they do not succeed."
The anti-free speech forces have accomplished a lot in Europe and in our own universities (with their tyranny of the "politically correct"). This is the time to draw that line in the sand.Staff2010-05-13T08:01:20ZA New Kind of RecyclingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-New-Kind-of-Recycling/642.html2010-05-13T08:01:19Z2010-05-13T08:01:19Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Each year, billions of food wrappers and drink cartons end up in landfills because the material they're made of is geared to keep their products fresh, and not necessarily to decompose. Kraft Foods, Kellogg's, Clif Bars, and Coca Cola, to name a few biggies, have teamed up with TerraCycle (
www.terracycle.net
), a company that takes their packaging waste and sews, fuses or weaves it into products such as totebags, lunchboxes, showercurtains, pencil cases, backpacks and more. The Chips Ahoy! umbrella caught my attention, as did the Oreo cookie wrapper shower curtain!Staff2010-05-13T08:01:19ZWhen Children Have ChildrenStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-Children-Have-Children/643.html2010-05-13T08:01:16Z2010-05-13T08:01:16Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The teen pregnancy rate is up for the first time since 1991, according to a report released by the National Institutes of Health, and is a cause for concern.
"This is one of the key indicators for the health of the teen population,"
said Edward Sondik, Director of the National Center for Health Statistics.
"Not only does this affect
teen
health at this point, but their health and well being for the next 20 to 40 years, as well as the health and well-being of their children."
This is one of the most self-centered actions a female can take. It is obviously not in the best interest of a child to be robbed of a father, a two-parent home, and a committed relationship which would give the child the security and role-modeling he or she needs to fulfill hopes and plans for a loving, secure marital future.It's very "in" lately to be a pregnant Hollywood star, and lots of money is offered for exclusive pictures of the heirs to celebrity notoriety or fame. It doesn't seem to matter if the star is married or not - there is no judgment, no condemnation, no "clucking," no criticism, no shame, and no consequences. It is just all "okay." When people do the wrong thing, repent, and then do the
right
thing, you'd think that they would be idolized. Nope. The media tends to humiliate and denounce them as hypocrites. So, the "act" is irrelevant; the only thing that is relevant in current day society is that you must never say that anything is "wrong." If you do dare to call anything "wrong," then you will be attacked. But back to the children. Children having children is in no way a positive thing for either child. There is sufficient research and practical experience to confirm the problems encountered by children without an intact family. Why is this ignored? Why is this denigrated or dismissed? Why doesn't anybody care about the children? Why is it all about how the female "feels" - which, I'm sure, isn't too great, once the reality sinks in that caring for an infant involves a lot of sacrifice and stress.Kids have very little to connect to these days. That might sound like an odd comment considering all the means of communication available: email, text messages, cell phones, and Internet social networking sites, but paradoxically, as the number of technological advances continues to grow, the sense of truly being bonded and connected one-on-one in the non-virtual space continues to diminish...significantly. When one has a site with 200 "friends," one really doesn't have a true friend.With parents not around to connect with kids because of busy careers or divorce, or because they're shacking up or never got married, having a baby of one's own seems like an obvious way for a kid to get attention, bond to someone, and have some "hands-on" love. Unfortunately, it doesn't play out that way as the child-mothers discover that children are seriously dependent beings.I remember when actresses like Ingrid Bergman (who left her husband and child to go to Europe to have an affair with one of her directors) were shunned from Hollywood for such behavior, Now, having affairs, abandoning children, and giving birth out-of-wedlock are met with magazine covers and more job offers based on increased visibility.When children have children, it's largely because nobody is taking care of them; they're lonely and lost. But we should never point a finger or suggest fault - after all, someone's
feelings
might be hurt! And we all know that "feelings" are the most important value - right? Dead wrong.Staff2010-05-13T08:01:16ZKids and Cholesterol DrugsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Kids-and-Cholesterol-Drugs/644.html2010-05-13T08:01:14Z2010-05-13T08:01:14Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The American Academy of Pediatrics estimates that under the current guidelines, thirty per cent of the nation's children are overweight or obese. Many doctors fear that a rash of early heart attacks and diabetes will strike these children as they grow older.The nation's pediatricians are therefore recommending wider cholesterol screening for children - starting at age two - and more aggressive use of cholesterol-lowering drugs starting as early as eight years of age in hopes of preventing adult heart problems.Because statins (cholesterol drugs) have been around since only the mid-1980s, there really is no evidence to show whether giving statins to children will, indeed, lower the risk for heart attack in middle age.The main problem is that we live in a culture which is largely hooked into electronic entertainment and spend too much time feeding one end and not moving the other.Staff2010-05-13T08:01:14ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/645.html2010-05-13T08:01:13Z2010-05-13T08:01:13ZStaff2010-05-13T08:01:13ZChanging Her Little Piece of the WorldStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Changing-Her-Little-Piece-of-the-World/646.html2010-05-13T08:01:11Z2010-05-13T08:01:11Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>This came from Kami, one of my radio listeners:
I am a stay-at-home Mom with a Master's degree who chose to quit my job to raise my three sons (ages 5, 2, and 11 months). I never dreamed of growing up to be a Mom. I wanted to use my brain, get an education, and change the world through my career. Now, every day, I find myself using my brain, getting an education, and hopefully, changing my little piece of the world as I work to shape my boys into men.
Instead of having them sit in daycare or pre-school for a big part of the week, I want my kids to play and read with me, and go to the library and find books of their own. I want the freedom of knowing I can wake up and decide that we are going to hang out in our pjs until noon, and make bread or watch the birds building nests on our porch. I want to help them make forts and play "hide 'n seek," and go on adventure walks around the neighborhood, even though it takes us twenty minutes to get past two houses. I want them to go to the store and pick out their own veggie seeds to plant in the garden. I want them to have snowball fights with me when I'm shoveling the driveway, and to help me fix dinner for someone who is sick.
My son has taught me so many things while he wasn't in pre-school. I learned that yogurt, pudding, and shaving cream can be used to draw with your finger; that bad weather, not necessity, is the mother of invention when it comes to craft projects; that math can be learned when baking cookies, cleaning up toys, handing out snacks, and putting away laundry; that some of the best talks happen in my bed when we just don't feel like getting up.
And talk we do. We talk about life and death, how planes work, where snow comes from, and whether pirates are decent. We study geography as we drive around doing errands, and learn about engineering as we watch the progression of building construction. We even tried to figure out why God made flies.
From the moment my first child was born, my life has been about my children, and some of those sweet moments can bring me to tears when I think about how fleeting they are. My kids will get to be little, and they'll get to have fun. They are not in a hurry - and neither am I."Staff2010-05-13T08:01:11ZShoot to StunStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Shoot-to-Stun/647.html2010-05-13T08:01:09Z2010-05-13T08:01:09Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I am relieved that the Supreme Court finally clarified that the Second Amendment permits individual gun ownership and not just for those individuals in a national militia. However, now that there are non-lethal alternatives readily available on the market, people using their guns in self-defense are going to be under more scrutiny than before. The states impose carefully defined limitations (known as "proportionality requirements") on the use of deadly force in self defense: a person may use only as much force as is necessary in that immediate situation. You can defend yourself with deadly force only to prevent death, rape, kidnapping, or bodily injury serious enough to cause long-term loss or impairment. That gives district attorneys some potential for leeway in filing criminal charges against individuals who have used deadly force to defend themselves.Interestingly, a
non
-deadly weapon can be used to defend against
any
threat of unlawful force, which is why I've bought a Taser even though I've already taken classes and training in handgun use and safety. The Taser fires a dart that delivers a painful electrical shock, resulting in an instant and incapacitating muscular spasm that generally gives
you
about 30 seconds to get out of the situation. The Taser works anywhere on the attacker's body; bullets have to hit vulnerable spots to stop a bad guy.Advanced-model Tasers also allow you to respond from up to 35 feet away. Using a handgun on an attacker from 35 feet away, however, raises questions as to whether "deadly force" is necessary at such a distance.My Taser is pink.....couldn't resist.Staff2010-05-13T08:01:09ZParents Need to Plan...to Be ParentsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Parents-Need-to-Plan...to-Be-Parents/648.html2010-05-13T08:01:07Z2010-05-13T08:01:07Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>It used to be that people planned for such important things as marriage, child-bearing, child-rearing, finances, and living arrangements. Now it seems that these important milestones and responsibilities are quite secondary to impulsive behavior and immediate gratification. I have been stunned at the growing number of callers who marry without consideration for religion, finances, extended family problems, lifestyle, goals, and even personality differences.For example, it flabbergasts me to get so many calls from young women complaining about their overbearing mothers-in-law, then admitting that the young couple is living with his mother because they don't have the wherewithal to take care of themselves. So, they're living as a married couple, but also as dependent children in his Mommy's home, and the wife wonders why she doesn't have the power at home?It's also unbelievable to me that so many couples will marry before either one of them is in the position to support a family, yet they start making babies and then the fights begin -- over not having enough money or time to have any freedom, fun or opportunities.It is
not
surprising, however, when women call to complain that their bosses are cutting back on maternity leave. That's because we've become a culture that makes everyone else responsible for our choices. Maternity leave pay generally comes in the form of six to eight weeks of disability pay, and such payments have been cut back due to economical issues. According the non-profit Families and Work Institute, only 16% of employers offer full pay for childbirth leave, down from 27% in 1998. The average maximum length of job-guaranteed leaves for new mothers dropped from 16.1 weeks a decade ago to 15.2 weeks.
The Wall Street Journal's
"Work and Family" column
(6/11/08)
admits that
"This comes despite research showing attentive nurturing has particular developmental power in a baby's first year, and that longer leaves can ease postpartum depression in some mothers."
Boy, was I ever glad to see that truth in print. But when we are grousing about employers extending maternity leave by weeks, whose responsibility is it to maintain at least one full year of hands-on mothering? The government? Corporations? I think not. The first
five
years before kindergarten, and not just the first year after birth, are crucial in the emotional, social, and psychological development of children.Children are not pets, only needing attentive care in case of danger, or who are just fed at one end and cleaned at the other. Every day, their brains grow and develop, and each day, they experience life and feelings. Each day offers significant opportunities for a loving and educational interaction with a parent who ought to be experiencing it with them, and supporting them in their explorations.What is the solution? Better planning. I have often suggested that people live on one salary, putting the other in savings and/or conservative investments before they start building a family. I have suggested that they research areas where they wish to establish their family lives and roots, and make sure they are affordable. The point is that when you become parents, you must shift the focus from individual gratification (through career) to group gratification (through family).Staff2010-05-13T08:01:07ZGloucester High Pregnancy PactStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Gloucester-High-Pregnancy-Pact/649.html2010-05-13T08:01:06Z2010-05-13T08:01:06Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>All media outlets recently went "buzzy" over the alleged conspiracy by a group of minor girls to get themselves pregnant. My immediate concern went to the babies these children were so carelessly producing. The real issue for me is that the babies are going to be born into troubled circumstances.It is terribly sad that these children had so little to hold on to and look forward to that they used this as a way to feel connected, important, and/or loved. I can only hope that their babies will - because of all this critical scrutiny - be adopted into loving two-parent (Mom and Dad), mature, stable marriages and families. This ultimately is in the best interest of the children.Staff2010-05-13T08:01:06ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/650.html2010-05-13T08:01:04Z2010-05-13T08:01:04ZStaff2010-05-13T08:01:04ZPotent PotStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Potent-Pot/651.html2010-05-13T08:01:03Z2010-05-13T08:01:03Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The University of Mississippi's Potency Monitoring Project tracked the average amount of THC, the psychoactive ingredient in marijuana, in samples seized by law enforcement agencies from 1975 through 2007. They found that the average amount of THC reached 9.6% in 2007, representing more than a doubling of marijuana potency since 1983.John Walters, Director of the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy cited
"baby boomer parents who might have misguided notions that the drug contains the weaker potency levels of the 1970's. Marijuana potency has grown steeply over the past decade, with serious implications for young people - the risk of psychological, cognitive and respiratory problems, and the potential for users to become dependent on drugs such as cocaine and heroin." [AP, 6/12/08]
A report from the Office found that a teenager who has been depressed in the past year was more than twice as likely to have used marijuana than teenagers who have not reported being depressed - that's 25% compared to the 12% for non-depressed teenagers. The study said marijuana use increased the risk (by 40%) of developing mental disorders.It's certainly not your Grandma's pot anymore.Staff2010-05-13T08:01:03ZA Canadian Court Has Lost Its MindStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-Canadian-Court-Has-Lost-Its-Mind/652.html2010-05-13T08:01:01Z2010-05-13T08:01:01Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A Canadian court has lifted a 12 year old girl's "grounding," overturning her father's punishment for disobeying his orders to stay off the Internet. The girl had taken her father to Quebec Superior Court after he refused to allow her to go on a school trip for chatting on websites he tried to block, and then posting inappropriate pictures of herself online using a friend's computer.Unbelievably, the judge, Justice Suzanne Tessier, decided the punishment was too severe, and basically severed this father's parental authority. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.Evidently, the girl's Internet transgression was just the latest in a pattern of broken house rules.Obviously, this situation should never have been accepted for adjudication. Obviously, this judge has taken leave of her common sense. Obviously, this judge should lose her position. Obviously, this is going to undermine parenting in Canada, and anywhere else such nonsense is permitted.By the way, there's a twist to this story - one which may explain the judge's behavior. The court-appointed lawyer who represented this child is the same lawyer who has been involved in the child's parents' 10 year custody battle! If I were suspicious, I might wonder if this judge is a feminist type who identified with the mom as a co-oppressee and misused judicial power to support women - right or wrong. Not an accusation, you understand, but just an attempt at understanding the unacceptable.Staff2010-05-13T08:01:01ZThree Internet Providers Agree to Block Child PornStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Three-Internet-Providers-Agree-to-Block-Child-Porn/653.html2010-05-13T08:00:59Z2010-05-13T08:00:59Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Internet providers Verizon, Sprint, and Time-Warner Cable have agreed to block access to child pornography and eliminate the material from their servers, according to Andrew Cuomo, New York State's Attorney General.According to the AP,
"Investigators said they found 88 newsgroups devoted to child pornography in an 8 month investigation. "
All are being shut down by these cable providers.
"We are doing our part to deter the accessibility of such harmful content through the Internet, and we are providing monetary resources that will go toward the identification and removal of online child pornography,"
said Sprint spokesman Matthew Sullivan.
"We embrace this opportunity to build upon our own long-standing commitment to online child safety."
A Verizon representative pointed out that they can't possibly scan every user group, but they will work very quickly to deal with the issue when it is brought to their attention.Ya know, technologically, Internet providers have incredible resources for scanning....they just need the will. It looks like Andrew Cuomo has made them
find
the will.Staff2010-05-13T08:00:59ZIf You're a "Metabo," You'll Be FinedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/If-Youre-a-Metabo,-Youll-Be-Fined/654.html2010-05-13T08:00:57Z2010-05-13T08:00:57Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Japan has instituted one of the most serious campaigns in the world to get its citizens to be fit. This action is motivated by the rapidly aging society's ballooning health care costs, as most Japanese are covered under public health care or through their employment.The term "metabo," comes from the medical concept of "metabolic syndrome," i.e., the factors that heighten the risk of developing vascular disease and diabetes. They are: obesity, high blood pressure, high glucose, and high cholesterol. The term "metabo" has become the nation's nickname for "overweight."Under a two month-old national law, companies and local governments must measure the waistlines of people between the ages of 40 and 74 as part of annual checkups. That amounts to 44% of the population of Japan.The International Diabetes Federation's (
www.idf.org
) guidelines for Japan of no more than 33.5 inches for men's waistlines and 35.4 inches for women is being used as the standard. When folks are over those measurements and have a weight-related ailment, they will be given dieting guidance and education.The government will impose financial penalties on companies and local governments that fail to meet these targets. NEC, a Japanese personal computer production company, said to the New York Times (6/13/08) that if it failed to meet its targets, it could incur almost 20 million in penalties.A survey by the National Center for Health Statistics in the U.S.A. found that the average waist size for Caucasian American men was 39 inches, a full inch smaller than the 40 inch maximum established by the International Diabetes Federation.Ladies didn't do as well: the average waist size of Caucasian American women was 36.5 inches, about two inches above our threshold. (The differences in thresholds between Japanese and Americans and men and women have to do with height and body type).Staff2010-05-13T08:00:57ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/655.html2010-05-13T08:00:56Z2010-05-13T08:00:56ZStaff2010-05-13T08:00:56ZAmbulances to Save the DeadStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Ambulances-to-Save-the-Dead/656.html2010-05-13T08:00:55Z2010-05-13T08:00:55Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Breitbart.com revealed that a select group of New York City paramedics may soon have a different kind of task: saving the dead. The city is considering creating a special ambulance whose crew would rush to collect the newly deceased and preserve the body so that the organs might be taken for transplant. Top medical officials in the NYC Fire Department and Bellevue Hospital say it has the potential to save hundreds of lives.Generally in the United States, only people who die at hospitals are used as organ donors, because doctors are on hand with life-support machinery to preserve the organs and remove them before they are unusable (which can happen after only a few critical hours).The new transplant ambulance would ideally turn up at the scene of a death minutes after regular paramedics ceased efforts to resuscitate a patient. They would have to wait for 5 minutes after a formal declaration of death, but then the team would begin work immediately, administering drugs and performing chest compressions intended to keep the organs viable. Some of these steps may be taken before getting approval from a relative and without knowledge of the deceased's wishes regarding organ donation, but any organ removals would only be done at a hospital. And no organs would be removed without getting the family's express consent. U.S. opinion surveys routinely show that a majority of Americans are willing to donate their organs. An estimated 22,000 people die at home each year in the United States, and several hundred people die every month waiting for organs. This seems like a worthy pilot project.Staff2010-05-13T08:00:55ZDress Codes At Work - A Political Land MineStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dress-Codes-At-Work---A-Political-Land-Mine/657.html2010-05-13T08:00:53Z2010-05-13T08:00:53Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Boy, oh boy, talk about a feminista double standard! There are big problems for men who try to impose a dress code for women. The subhead of a Wall Street Journal article from June 19 read "When a Man Regulates Attire At Work, Women Often See an Oppressor, Not a Mentor." The ultimate suggestion is to have a woman boss lay down the wardrobe law.Oh, please.Tom Mills, Managing Partner of a Washington DC law office, was asked to make a firm-wide apology for complaining to the Wall Street Journal's "On Style" column that the work attire of some young female law associates was based on the
"TV-woman lawyer look with skirts 12 inches above the knee and very tight blouses."
Evidently, the attire seen in many law offices and courtrooms reaffirms the accuracy of his statement.Mr. Jim Holt, president of the Mid-American Credit Union in Wichita, Kansas, has become a target since he expressed his view publicly that panty hose are more professional than bare legs for working women. That relatively benign statement got him lots of actual hate mail -
hate mail!!
Gee, it doesn't take much for feministas to start spewing hate, does it?The rage seems to be centered on the concept that men should not be able to comment, criticize, suggest, offer an opinion, have a preference - nada - towards a woman without being accused of oppression. What would female bosses do with male associates who came in with muscle shirts and low, baggy pants revealing skin really low on the abdomen?If women wish to be taken seriously (for their minds, and not their bodies), then they shouldn't be using professional circumstances to dress as they might if they were looking for casual sex.Staff2010-05-13T08:00:53ZThe Amorality of AdvertisingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Amorality-of-Advertising/658.html2010-05-13T08:00:52Z2010-05-13T08:00:52Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>J.C. Penney officials are upset about a racy, fake advertisement on YouTube, in which the retailer appears to be endorsing teen sex. The "fake" ad was not done with their knowledge or permission.The video, called "Speed Dressing," ends with teens telling the girls' mother that they're heading down to the basement to watch TV. As they head toward the basement door, the words "Today's the day to get away with it" flash on the screen, echoing Penney's use of the phrase "Today's the day to..." in a series of ads it launched last year. Penney's logo and slogan then appear on the screen.The title refers to the beginning of the video which shows two teenagers in their own respective bedrooms stripping down to their underwear and then timing themselves as they race to put their clothes back on. The amoral part of this story is the response of Alan Siegel, chief executive of New York strategic-branding company Siegel + Gale.
"It's not going to reflect well on the brand in Middle America, but the ad is nicely done and the people in it are attractive; young people in New York and LA will get a kick out of it,"
he said.The potential impact on young people is irrelevant, however, as long as it's clever and attractive? Amoral thinking at best.Staff2010-05-13T08:00:52ZBacking Up Those Backing YouStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Backing-Up-Those-Backing-You/659.html2010-05-13T08:00:50Z2010-05-13T08:00:50Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I got this in response to a blog I wrote last week:
Hi, Dr. Laura. I am my kid's dad! I'm writing in response to your blog, "
Idiots on Parade
".
As a 15 year member of the world's greatest Air Force, and third generation protector of this great nation, I want to thank the residents of Lebanon, Missouri for the support and dedication they have displayed, as they laid one of their own "true patriots" to rest. My travels with the Air Force have allowed me to see that there are still many, many Americans who are grateful for the service that my brothers and sisters in uniform perform on a day-to-day basis.
Many of us spend an unknown amount of time putting our necks on the line so that ALL Americans - even the folks in Berkeley --can continue to enjoy the freedoms they have today. Having been stationed in California for the last three years, I have seen first-hand the many demonstrations that have taken place in protest of the war. At first, when I see these demonstrators, my blood boils because I wonder how anyone could feel this way when many young men and women sacrifice a lot on a daily basis. But once my blood pressure returns to normal, I remind myself that what they are doing is a
good
thing. What I mean by that is they are exercising their constitutional rights - the very same rights that we in the military are sworn to uphold and protect at all cost.
So, I want to thank the residents of Berkeley for their indirect support, I want to thank the residents of Lebanon, Missouri for their direct support, and, most of all, I want to thank
all
of my brothers and sisters in uniform for the
outstanding
Job that they are doing on a day-to-day basis. There is no doubt in my military mind that we have the best and greatest people serving in the volunteer force known as the
United States military!
Sincerely,
One Proud Air Force member andAMERICAN Technical Sergeant,A. CarpenterStaff2010-05-13T08:00:50ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/660.html2010-05-13T08:00:48Z2010-05-13T08:00:48ZStaff2010-05-13T08:00:48ZNo First Amendment Rights for Conservative StudentsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/No-First-Amendment-Rights-for-Conservative-Students/661.html2010-05-13T08:00:47Z2010-05-13T08:00:47Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I watched an amazing video on YouTube of a University of Wisconsin sophomore and student senator, Roderick King, knocking over 4000 white crosses that "Pointers for Life," a pro-life club, obtained permission to place on campus grounds. The display was meant to symbolize the 4,000 unborn babies who are aborted each and every day in the United States of America.So far, no disciplinary action whatsoever has been taken against Mr. King, and the student government has decided to put the issue off until next semester....uh...that's in the Fall. I guess they figure we'll all forget about it and they don't have to punish one of "their own." Whom do I mean by that?Ian Ivey, with The Leadership Institute, a conservative organization which trains and places conservative leaders into public policy positions, the media, and schools said:
"It was an astonishing thing to see the video of the student senator just with clearly no respect, no regard at all to either the rights of the students who had set up that display, or the intent of the display and the real meaning of that display. This is the kind of thing that happens on college campuses on a regular basis, where conservatives face this kind of oppression...mostly from students, but especially from student government associations who are thoroughly dominated by a leftist agenda."Staff2010-05-13T08:00:47ZUnprotected Teen Sex on the RiseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Unprotected-Teen-Sex-on-the-Rise/662.html2010-05-13T08:00:45Z2010-05-13T08:00:45Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The Center for Disease Control calculates that high-school kids are having more sex, and more unprotected intercourse, when compared to the behavior of their older siblings. Condom use is down, as kids have become more complacent about herpes and AIDS. Maybe it's also that the total swing of society in support of teenage sex and babies born out of wedlock is working - a photograph of Britney Spears' 17 year old sister Jamie's new baby is worth $1 million. Hmmmmm.Staff2010-05-13T08:00:45ZIdiots on ParadeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Idiots-on-Parade/663.html2010-05-13T08:00:43Z2010-05-13T08:00:43Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>So, there I was, innocently watching the news on Fox News Channel, when the screen split in two, and on the left side was some guy talking about his group's letters to all military, basically telling them to go AWOL. On the right side, was a military representative who was denying the other guy's assertion that one out of four Marines and other military believe that 9/11 was President Bush's doing. He extolled the virtues of a volunteer military who see the truth, because their boots are on that ground, and who have first-hand experience with the realities in the Middle East conflicts. I then went to my computer to check my emails, and received the following:
Dear Dr. Laura:
I'm the proud 2-year resident of Lebanon, Missouri. Today, our city buried a hero, Army Specialist James Finley, who was killed in Afghanistan.
You probably recall the protests and fits that the wacked-out liberals threw in Berkeley, California when the Marines opened a recruiting station. I'd like to contrast their behavior toward the military with the behavior I saw from my fellow citizens in Lebanon today.
In Sunday's local paper, the Mayor asked everyone to line the route the funeral procession would take to Specialist Finley's final resting place. Local businessmen purchased flags for people to hold, and gave them away by the hundreds. Even though it was lightly raining, several THOUSAND people lined Jefferson Street to express their condolences and respect for the service of one of America's true heroes. Hundreds of Patriot Guard riders, fire trucks from several departments and hundreds of mourners made up the several mile-long funeral procession. All business in town (including Wal-Mart) closed for an hour to allow their employees to pay their respects. Bankers in suits stood next to men in work clothes, all silently holding their hands over their hearts and displaying flags as the procession passed. I did my best to capture the procession and the number of people with my small camera, but the images don't do the scene justice. I hope the Finley family took some small comfort from seeing thousands of their fellow citizens paying respect for their son's sacrifice.
I'm proud and honored to be living in a community where duty, honor and patriotism still mean something. On July 4th, a 3-story tall flag is hung from the County Courthouse. On July 12, we have our annual "God and Country" fireworks celebration, and on September 11, we will have a formal ceremony with a military fly-over to recognize everyone who has given the ultimate in keeping us free from terrorism.
Those in Berkeley may feel like they are accomplishing something with their protests. Here in Lebanon, we truly know how to recognize a hero and what it truly means to be an American.
Respectfully submitted,
BenjaminStaff2010-05-13T08:00:43ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/664.html2010-05-13T08:00:41Z2010-05-13T08:00:41ZStaff2010-05-13T08:00:41ZMuscles and LongevityStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Muscles-and--Longevity/665.html2010-05-13T08:00:41Z2010-05-13T08:00:41Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I work very hard on fitness. I'm 61 and can do about one and a half one-handed pushups. I'm quite proud of that, and thank my trainer, Jason Baker, and my yoga instructor, Pamela Griffin, for years of helping me get in great condition.A study from the Unit for Preventive Nutrition at the Department of Biosciences and Nutrition at Novum Karolinska Institute in Sweden, presented at the American College of Sports Medicine's 55th annual meeting, found that men with increased muscular strength are likely to live longer.The men with decreased muscular strength had a 60% higher risk of cardiovascular disease. This study further challenged the concept that walking and regular physical activity are the best for preventing heart disease and increasing longevity. Instead, they suggest that men start by incorporating weight or resistance training into a daily routine. The benefits of "muscles" extends beyond the risk of dying from all causes, as muscular strength prevents disability from injury, thereby keeping you more independent for a longer period in your life.I'm just going to assume that the same is true for women, and I'll keep pumping that iron!Staff2010-05-13T08:00:41Z123Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/123/666.html2010-05-13T08:00:40Z2010-05-13T08:00:40Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>1234Staff2010-05-13T08:00:40ZTest2Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Test2/667.html2010-05-13T08:00:39Z2010-05-13T08:00:39ZStaff2010-05-13T08:00:39ZAbout Dr. LauraStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/About-Dr.-Laura/668.html2010-05-13T08:00:38Z2010-05-13T08:00:38Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>As one of the most popular talk show hosts in radio history, Dr. Laura Schlessinger offers no-nonsense advice infused with a strong sense of ethics, accountability, and personal responsibility; she’s been doing it successfully for more than 30 years, reaching approximately 8 million listeners weekly. Her internationally syndicated radio program is also heard on
XM Satellite Radio
, and is streamed on the Internet and podcast via
StreamLink
from her website:
drlaura.com
.Read more about Dr. Laura
here
.Staff2010-05-13T08:00:38ZLoving Wives Are Not DoormatsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Loving-Wives-Are-Not-Doormats/669.html2010-05-13T08:00:36Z2010-05-13T08:00:36Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The feministas came out of their skins when I published my best seller,
"The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands."
Their main point of rage was their notion that taking care of one's man emotionally and physically was demeaning.One reader, Vicky, wrote this week:
"Last December, we invited potential friends to our Christmas party. During the evening, I gave my husband a fresh drink when I saw that his was getting low. At one point, the man we invited noticed and commented that he'd go thirsty if he waited for his wife to bring him a drink. The wife, in turn, bluntly let me know that's because she wasn't a doormat. I responded that I never thought I was a doormat just because I enjoyed taking care of my man, and the conversation moved on. But, I have to admit, that comment ate at me for a long time. Was I being naïve? Was my husband taking advantage of me?
Over the months since, every time I hear my husband tell a friend that I take better care of him than he deserves, I let that comment "go" a little bit more. I've now let it go completely. You see, we ran into that couple this past weekend. We'd heard rumors that they were divorcing (because the husband had had an affair). The wife confirmed the rumors, but stated that they were trying to work it out. I'm doubtful they will work anything out. She's the ultimate "feminazi," and he will have to do all the changing and groveling for it to "work out."
Bottom line: She's on her way to divorce, and I'm celebrating my 7 year wedding anniversary today with a man who worships me and I absolutely adore after all these years. Doormat? I think not!Staff2010-05-13T08:00:36ZSaving Gas MoneyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Saving-Gas-Money/670.html2010-05-13T08:00:35Z2010-05-13T08:00:35Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>While each vehicle performs differently, a rule of thumb for maximizing fuel economy is to keep highway speed to 60 miles per hour or less. According to the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), exceeding 60 miles per hour severely hurts the fuel economy of most vehicles. The agency says:
"each 5 miles per hour you drive over 60 miles per hour is like paying an additional $0.20 per gallon of gas."
Several tips on saving fuel appear at
fueleconomy.gov
.Staff2010-05-13T08:00:35ZAre Airline Passengers Nothing But Freight?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Are-Airline-Passengers-Nothing-But-Freight/671.html2010-05-13T08:00:34Z2010-05-13T08:00:34Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Fuel costs, almost tripling since 2000, now account for as much as 40 per cent of operating expenses at some carriers, according to the Air Transport Association (ATA). The ATA notes that airlines are cutting costs and raising revenue in ways that
"were once unthinkable."
For example, US Airways has eliminated snacks, Delta Air Lines is charging $25 for telephone reservations, and just this week, American Airlines became the first US company to charge $15 for the first checked bag. In addition, Singapore Airlines is going to eliminate unnecessary quantities of
water
in order to save weight.Since December, 2007, eight companies have stopped flying, largely because of fuel costs, and airlines may report combined losses of $6.1 billion this year, according to Bloomberg.com. To save money, airlines are grounding a portion of their fleet, using lighter-weight crockery in First and Business Class, flying slower, and washing planes more frequently (to cut down on wind-resistant dirt). Weighing passengers might be the next move - after all, Southwest Airlines asks passengers to buy a second seat if their girth prevents the armrest from being able to be lowered.We've already all noticed that airplane interiors are largely dirty, as they aren't cleaned between flights - only trash is collected and tossed. I bring antibacterial wipes and clean off every surface where I sit, including the handrests and controls for video and audio. It's just a suggestion, but you might want to consider doing the same when you fly.Staff2010-05-13T08:00:34ZChina and the Value of ChildrenStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/China-and-the-Value-of-Children/672.html2010-05-13T08:00:32Z2010-05-13T08:00:32Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>China has a population control policy of one child per couple. To encourage families to comply, population planning authorities have regularly been giving parents in rural areas amounts ranging from $8 to $17 annually for 18 years, and $144 after the parents reach 60. Because so many children died in the recent Sichuan earthquake, the Chinese government has decided to drop the 60 year old age requirement and will compensate the families now.China has a limited pension and health care system, so parents expect to have a heavy financial dependence on their offspring during their elder years. For the families whose sole children died, this support is now gone, although the government has permitted these families to adopt.Recently, there were angry marches in which parents protested the shoddy school buildings in which their children died. In some cases, the schools were the only buildings to completely collapse, according to Mei Fong, a journalist from Chengdu, China.According to some news reports, the government is considering extra compensation after authorities have concluded investigations to decide the extent of negligence in the collapse of the school buildings following the quake.Staff2010-05-13T08:00:32ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/673.html2010-05-13T08:00:31Z2010-05-13T08:00:31ZStaff2010-05-13T08:00:31ZFathers DO MatterStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Fathers-DO-Matter/674.html2010-05-13T08:00:28Z2010-05-13T08:00:28Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>This is from one of my listeners (whose name is not given in order to protect her privacy):
I've been hearing a lot lately about egg donations, surrogacy, and intentional single mothers, and I don't know if you were aware that it had gone this far! Don't get me wrong, egg donation put me through school with no debt. Over the past 4 years, I have donated my eggs to 4 different families, going through a total of 7 different surgeries in order to do so. I know that at least 3 of these donations resulted in the birth of a child that was a miracle and a dream come true for the parents of these children, and I am grateful to have taken part in this dream.
Recently, my agency contacted me again. They had another donation for me. I was thrilled because my husband and I are planning on starting our own family, and we were going to start trying in the next few months. The donation would end in $10,000 in our pockets, which I thought would be a nice little nest egg or college account for the child we are planning. Well, the agency sent over the contracts for me to sign, and luckily, I read them thoroughly. The recipient was not the expected married couple with unfortunate infertility problems, but a single woman who, after having conquered the corporate world, realized it was too late to get married and make a baby on her own! My heart sunk. How could I intentionally give life to a child knowing it would not have a father?
Then the thought crept in: this woman is going to do it anyway, so I might as well be the one to profit from it, right? As I was talking to my husband about my concerns, I realized, 'How can I donate part of myself to this woman and still expect my husband to believe that I think he is an asset to raising our children? How can I force another baby to grow up in daycare with no masculine influence, and still show my husband that he is a hero for wanting me to stay home with our kids while he supports us?' I couldn't.
I let the agency know: I will not be available to do this donation, as I believe a child deserves both a mother and a father. And I hope that my "passing" on the opportunity will make the potential "mother" reconsider her options and buy a puppy. I may have lost ten thousand dollars, but as my husband said, I still have my morals, and that's worth more to our children than a college account.Staff2010-05-13T08:00:28ZMedal of Honor Awarded To a 19 Year Old HeroStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Medal-of-Honor-Awarded-To-a-19-Year-Old-Hero/675.html2010-05-13T08:00:26Z2010-05-13T08:00:26Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>President Bush presented the Medal of Honor to the parents of Specialist Ross McGinnis. Spc. McGinnis, at 19, is the youngest of the five servicemen who have received the Medal of Honor for valor during the Iraq and Afghanistan conflicts.His training called for him to warn his comrades that a grenade fell inside their Humvee, then jump from the gun turret to escape. Instead, Spc. McGinnis jumped INTO the vehicle, deliberately placing his body between the grenade and the rest of his crew, thus losing his life while saving all of them.Of the five servicemen who have received the Medal of Honor for actions in Iraq or Afghanistan, three died absorbing grenade blasts to protect their comrades. What can you say that would be adequate to describe this courageous sacrifice? Bless you, thank you, and Hoo-ah! These are the role models our schools should teach about when issues of character and bravery are discussed.Staff2010-05-13T08:00:26ZKids and Their Cell PhonesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Kids-and-Their-Cell-Phones/676.html2010-05-13T08:00:24Z2010-05-13T08:00:24Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>According to the Associated Press (
5/27/08
) Japanese youngsters are getting so addicted to Internet-linking cell phones that the government is starting a program warning parents and schools to limit their use among children. The government is worried about how elementary and junior high school students are getting drawn into cyberspace crimes, spending long hours exchanging mobile email, and suffering other negative effects of cell phone overuse. The government is also asking Japanese manufacturers to develop cell phones with only the "talk" function and GPS.Some youngsters are spending hours at night on email with their friends. One fad is the "30 minute rule," in which a child who doesn't respond to email within 30 minutes gets targeted for bullying the next day. Other children have sent in their own snapshots to a website and then ended up getting threatened for money.The cell phone craze in America is tightly connected to the growing "disconnect" between children and their busy, busy parents who feel some false sense of security while not supervising their children simply because the phone has a GPS locator. Parents should not, as a matter of course, be giving cell phones with Internet access to children - it is just too tempting to abuse, and it puts them at risk.Staff2010-05-13T08:00:24ZMake Dinner Every NightStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Make-Dinner-Every-Night/677.html2010-05-13T08:00:22Z2010-05-13T08:00:22Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Today, I'm turning my blog over to Lisa, a listener who wrote me the following email:
I called [your radio show] today to ask you about making dinner for my husband every night, and how I could get him to take a part in it. Your response was "make dinner every night." When I got off the phone, I thought: 'I don't want to make dinner every night.'
I was one of those women [who] swore I would never
not
agree with you. Boy, it's a little harder when
you
are the one getting advice! I have to admit, I was a bit ticked. I called you so you could tell me to have
him
make dinner, not for me to still be "stuck" with the responsibility.
As I sit here typing, I am laughing at myself. Silly, silly me! I had an epiphany. My epiphany came from you saying 'We CHOOSE every day what we do,' and I thought 'Okay, then I will CHOOSE to do dinner every night' as a way of saying 'thank you' to my hubby, who has always worked so hard to provide me a home, a safe place, and a caring heart. This wasn't an acceptance of defeat [like] I had lost some battle.
What I had accomplished was CHOOSING my
marriage
. Not to pat myself on the back or to receive accolades for making dinner every night, but to CHOOSE the role of serving and loving my hubby in this area (i.e., food). Sometimes, roles are fun, adventurous, sexy and admired, and sometimes, those roles are the 'make the dinner late, dust the house and clean the toilets when I'm so tired' kind of roles.
I got really excited [about making] a fabulous meal, knowing that even without a 'thank you,' I would be CHOOSING to do this for him. I didn't need a thank you, because I was seeing it as an accountability point. I chose my marriage, I chose to be a wife, I choose to work full time, I choose, I choose, I choose. The one thing I wasn't choosing was being accountable for those choices. With choices come responsibility.
Countless friends and family have shown me the 'don't take that path' way of being married. I don't want to give 50% -- I want to give 150% so that no woman will take that role away from me. I want to create a place that will be the only home he'll ever come home to, the only lips he'll ever kiss, the only laundromat he'll ever take his clothes to....and while I'm at it, I might as well make some darn good dinners, even if it's spaghetti with red sauce every night!
Thank you again for who you inspire women to become!
Thankfully,
LisaStaff2010-05-13T08:00:22ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/678.html2010-05-13T08:00:21Z2010-05-13T08:00:21ZStaff2010-05-13T08:00:21ZPlanned Parenthood Subsidized by Title X?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Planned-Parenthood-Subsidized-by-Title-X/679.html2010-05-13T08:00:20Z2010-05-13T08:00:20Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>According to the
Wall Street Journal
(5/23/08), The Federal government distributes about $280 million a year among the thousands of clinics to subsidize the cost of birth control, cancer screening, HIV testing and other reproductive care for low-income patients. Known as Title X, the program serves five million men and women a year. By law the money can't be used for abortion procedures.But about one third of Title X patients receive their care at reproductive health clinics run by Planned Parenthood, which is also the nation's largest abortion provider. Critics say the federal grants indirectly subsidize Planned Parenthood's abortion services by keeping a steady stream of money flowing into the clinics.President Ronald Reagan imposed rules over two decades ago that barred clinics that received Title X money from performing abortions or referring patients to abortion clinics. Opponents filed suit, and the regulations were put on hold for years as the court battle played out. The United States Supreme Court eventually upheld the regulations - but a year and a half later, President Clinton rescinded them.Since Mr. Bush took office, activists on the right have been pleading with him to reinstate the Reagan-era rules. In one of his first official acts as President, he imposed restrictions on foreign family-planning aid, preventing U.S. grants from going to groups that perform or promote abortion. He has declined, however, to implement that rule domestically. Planned Parenthood of America relies on government grants and contracts, including Title X, for roughly a third of its nearly $337 million budget, according to its recent financial support. Before the Bush administration is over, a final push is being waged to pressure the President to use his executive authority to order the change.Staff2010-05-13T08:00:20ZArizona's Patriotic StandStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Arizonas-Patriotic-Stand/680.html2010-05-13T08:00:18Z2010-05-13T08:00:18Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>It is a well known fact that illegal aliens have voted in national elections. Arizona is the only state that requires proof of citizenship - either a birth certificate or passport is sufficient proof. This year, some 5,000 names have disappeared from the voting registry.Unbelievably, some Hispanic activists and organizations are complaining! I don't get it. This is a sovereign country, and one of the perks of citizenship is the right to vote for our government officials. Persons without such legal status ought not to be able to influence an election. These activists and organizations should be going door-to-door to make sure that their "constituency" is driven to the proper government buildings to get such proof - where it actually exists. These same activists and organizations should report people who are breaking the law to the INS.It is a breach of trust for any political party or its members to support illegal voters and then complain about "illegal" voting. I am not aware of any urgency within the Democratic Party in Congress to make sure that the 50% of votes from the deployed military are no longer disenfranchised.Staff2010-05-13T08:00:18ZSharon Stone and ChinaStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Sharon-Stone-and-China/681.html2010-05-13T08:00:16Z2010-05-13T08:00:16Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I remember several "brouhahas" over the last few years concerning some Christian religious leaders making comments about severe weather, HIV and even September 11, suggesting that it was "God's punishment" for perceived flaws in American social life. Boy, oh boy, did the media go mad over that!Although she has had to backtrack and apologize for her comments, I didn't see anywhere near the same response to Sharon Stone's suggestion that China's devastating earthquakes, which killed an enormous population might be "karma," because China is "not nice to Tibetans." First of all, the average Chinese person has no power to dictate foreign concerns, much less their own domestic situation. Has anybody lately looked at their form of government? Anyone whining about "disenfranchisement" of voting privileges in America should visit China for a year - and make sure that the 50% of deployed military's ballots are actually counted for a change.To suggest that God or karma wiped out innocent people, because He is unhappy with their government's international political position is, in my never to be humble opinion, blasphemous, and phenomenally insensitive and disgusting.Christian Dior has dropped spokeswoman Stone from their advertisements in China, and has also apologized to its customers there. But, I imagine, because she is a popular, liberal, Hollywood type, with great facial bone structure, she will not be feeling the negative impact of her own "karma" for very long.Staff2010-05-13T08:00:16ZFood Prices Hurting Your Appetite?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Food-Prices-Hurting-Your-Appetite/682.html2010-05-13T08:00:15Z2010-05-13T08:00:15Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Every weekend, newspaper inserts around the country provide coupons, giving you opportunities to get a wide selection of products for even less than what your local paper offers in its supermarket ads. To tap into this vast source of discounted food and cleaning products, there are Web-based services that give you easy access to the discount coupons. Some of the sites allow users to print coupons directly, while other services, for a fee, clip the coupons from newspaper inserts and mail them to you.One of the best of these is
thecouponclippers.com
. Fees are 50 cents per order plus 10% of the face value of each coupon, and shipping is 58 cents. They have an extensive selection, including a health-food section. You can shop by department or via search tool. If you are buying huge volumes, you might want to check
centsoff.com
.There are others, like
grocerycoupons.com
,
onlinecoupons.com
, and
grocerycard.com
, but they require a fee for the year that ranges from $10 to $100, and then 10% of the face value of each coupon and 75 cents for postage.Staff2010-05-13T08:00:15ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/683.html2010-05-13T08:00:14Z2010-05-13T08:00:14ZStaff2010-05-13T08:00:14ZScooters Rule!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Scooters-Rule!/684.html2010-05-13T08:00:13Z2010-05-13T08:00:13Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Gas prices are going up over $4 per gallon in some areas of the country. The solution? Get a scooter! One "scooter-ite" bought a Vespa GTS that uses about $7 of fuel every two weeks. Wow!Consider the cost of a 50 mile round-trip commute based on a fuel price of $3,79 a gallon: the scooter (Vespa S) would cost $2.65 per day; a Honda Accord, $6.10 per day, and a large SUV (Ford Expedition), $10.50 per day. A Vespa can travel 80 miles on a gallon of fuel.There is a downside to scooters, however: dealing with potholes, having to get a motorcycle license in most states, no protection in bad weather, and vulnerability around other vehicles, which are usually a lot bigger. Nonetheless, scooter sales have gone up 25% in the past year. Scooter prices range from $3,000 to $9,000, depending on size and "fanciness."In 2005, the latest year with complete data, the death rate for scooter riders was 129 per million scooters registered, according to the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety. In comparison, the death rate was 78 for cars and light trucks, and 645 per million motorcycles registered. I believe this is a growing trend. It's not an accident that you've been seeing so many more motorcycles and scooters on the road. In addition to being more cost-effective, it's fun and "cool" to be on a scooter. I have a Harley-Davidson Road King that's been converted to a trike for safety. I had it "muralized," and it's a show-stopper. I've had a Vespa scooter, too, and that's also a fun ride.Staff2010-05-13T08:00:13ZNew Global Warming ThreatStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/New-Global-Warming-Threat/685.html2010-05-13T08:00:12Z2010-05-13T08:00:12Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>"Obese and overweight people require more fuel to transport them and the food they eat, and the problem will worsen as the population literally swells in size,"
a team at the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine says. This adds to food shortages and higher energy prices, say the School's researchers, Phil Edwards and Ian Roberts, who wrote about this subject in the most recent issue of the medical journal
Lancet
.At least 400 million adults worldwide are obese. The World Health Organization (WHO) projects that by the year 2015,
2.3 billion
adults will be overweight and more than 700 million will be obese. The researchers calculate that these fat and obese people require 18% more energy than someone with a stable Body Mass Index (BMI).Is the next step giving tax breaks to those who are thin and fit?Staff2010-05-13T08:00:12ZBritain Forsakes FamiliesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Britain-Forsakes-Families/686.html2010-05-13T08:00:09Z2010-05-13T08:00:09Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Besides the assault on Western civilization from the outside by Islamist jihadists, we are deconstructing our own society by declaring null and void basic concepts of mother- and father-centered lives for children.Forget the biology: Male and female create offspringForget the psychology and sociology: children who do not have Mom and Dad-centered home lives tend to have higher poverty rates, and more problems on all levels with education, violence, and substance abuse,Forget everything that is basic and makes sense, because some women are so selfish and/or incompetent to have a healthy relationship with a man that their desire -
desire
- is to have a child, intentionally robbing that child of a father and a mom and dad-centered home.Well, permission to do so has been granted by the British government to do just that. The British government voted just last week to remove the requirement that fertility clinics consider a child's need for a father. Let me repeat: they removed the requirement that fertility clinics even
consider
a child's need for a father. Can you believe that? The best interests of a child are eliminated from discourse, because a female wants to make a baby for her own pleasure - and a historically civilized government backs her up? Sheesh!Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, the Roman Catholic Archbishop of Westminster, in an interview with London's "The Times," said,
"I think it strange that the government should want to take away not just the need for a father, but the
right
for a father."
This action effectively declared fathers an irrelevance in modern Britain. It is scary that only 60% of Brits who were polled believed that a child should have a mommy and a daddy - that's the power of the "feminista" movement!Here are some letters that were sent to London's "Daily Mail:"1.
Raised in a single-parent family, I can say from experience that a child needs a father. Mothers alone cannot take his place. It's a selfish act and implies women are more concerned with fulfilling their own needs to have a child than thinking of the child's welfare. Men: STOP DONATING SPERM!
2.
What about a man's right to have children without a mother? In order to avoid sex discrimination the [government] must surely now provide surrogate mothers for any would-be father who asks for one in order that he might have children.
3.
With all our problems with 'feral, fatherless' youngsters in modern Britain, this vote seems utterly baffling, and frankly, obscene.
4.
Is there really any need for a mother either?Staff2010-05-13T08:00:09ZOctopus Mating GamesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Octopus-Mating-Games/687.html2010-05-13T08:00:08Z2010-05-13T08:00:08Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>California's Monterey Bay Aquarium Research Institute has found out some fascinating things about the mating behaviors of octopuses.First, some general information: these particular octopuses are about as big as a human hand, and most of that size is in their sucker-covered tentacles. Their bodies are just walnut-sized. To procreate, the males deposit "sperm packets" in the female's body through a specialized tentacle.Second: this particular species (aculeatus octopu) is normally yellow with dapples of brown, tan, and grey. But when a male sees another octopus, he puts on his fighting and flirting colors (both of which look the same), turning nearly white with dark stripes. That signals that he's a male, and is ready to fight OR mate. Third: the females will mate with any male octopus that wanders by. The males are more selective and are more enthralled with the more voluptuous females - skinny girls need not apply.Fourth: the little itty-bitty guys don't want to fight the regulation-size guys, so they crawl along the ocean floor to one of the voluptuous females in a den guarded by the larger male. These clever smaller dudes remain brown and yellow (typical female behavior). By hiding and "cross-dressing," these little guys often manage to get close enough to the female to mate....and, as I reported, she'll mate with anybody, anytime, anywhere.Moral to this story??Staff2010-05-13T08:00:08ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/688.html2010-05-13T08:00:07Z2010-05-13T08:00:07ZStaff2010-05-13T08:00:07ZHome-schooling Does Not Hamper SocializationStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Home-schooling-Does-Not-Hamper-Socialization/689.html2010-05-13T08:00:05Z2010-05-13T08:00:05Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>One of the criticisms lobbed at the home-schooling community/movement is that home-schooled children are being shielded from diversity and a multitude of challenging influences which will ultimately handicap them in their ability to function in the "real world." In other words, "How will these children function in our diverse, multicultural society when they are raised in a setting with monolithic views and beliefs?"Research examining home-schooled students' academic achievements have consistently found that they score higher than the national norms on standard achievement tests. So the only grenade left to throw at home-schooling parents is that they are hurting their children socially and emotionally. The few studies in these areas have generally found home-schooled children to have equal or better self-esteem than traditionally schooled students. Then the argument becomes one of how to truly know you are measuring self-esteem.Researchers from the Department of Psychology at Belhaven College in Jackson, Mississippi recently published their findings in
Home School Researcher
(Vol. 17, No. 4, 2007, pp. 1-7). They decided to study home-schooled students' ability to successfully adjust to college life as an important criterion for demonstrating a positive outcome (or not) of home-schooling.They compared Christian college freshmen who had previously been home-schooled with a matched sample of traditionally schooled Christian freshmen on the College Adjustment Scale. The average scores of the two groups were compared across nine scales designed to measure emotional, behavioral, social, and academic problems as typically presented to university counseling centers.The home-schooled students scored significantly lower on the anxiety subscale, while no difference was found between the two groups on the remaining scales. Additionally, there was a general trend characterized by home-schooled students reporting fewer symptoms of emotional distress and social problems, and achieving higher first semester GPAs:
The results suggest that home-schooled college freshmen successfully adjust to the social and academic environment of a Christian college with a diverse student population. The college does not require that all students attending the college assent to a personal faith in Christ. The previously home-schooled students are also confronted by many peers who make lifestyle choices different from their own. Most of the college peers of the home-schooled students would be considered less conservative in their dress, entertainment interests, moral values and behaviors, than those typically experienced in most Christian home-schooled families. Therefore, these students are not entering a homogeneous social community that necessarily mirrors their family backgrounds."
Obviously, home-schooled students have additional adjustments to make when leaving their homes and entering a university or college environment: social relationship, peer pressure, classroom structure, etc. They are being forced to adapt to a social environment decidedly different from their homes or home school support groups.The results demonstrate that home-schooled students are able to successfully adapt emotionally, interpersonally, and academically to their first, and most challenging, semester in college. That is probably because, having had the consistent teaching and support of a family and a community, they have developed strengths and convictions that provide a bridge over the troubled waters of a multitude of challenges and temptations.I personally believe that home-schooling helps students who have problems with focus and difficulties with energy control. The traditional school environment required "Stepford Child" control, and the teaching techniques required for a group of thirty do not necessarily assist the learning needs and talents of each individual student. So, instead of drugging kids to be docile, perhaps we should turn to the successes of home-schooling.Staff2010-05-13T08:00:05ZAmericans Still Support Handgun OwnershipStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Americans-Still-Support-Handgun-Ownership/690.html2010-05-13T08:00:04Z2010-05-13T08:00:04Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A majority of Americans (59%) say they would oppose a law that banned the sale of handguns. This number is up substantially from the 1990's, when it was quite chic to be against the personal ownership of handguns.Public attitudes (according to
www.pewresearch.org/pubs/835/handgun-ban
) are divided along political, gender, and racial lines. 73% of Republicans oppose a ban on handgun sales, which is a view shared by 59% of Independents and 50% of Democrats.More men than women are opposed to the banning of handgun sales (65% vs. 53%) and more whites than blacks (61% vs. 49%) oppose a ban.Staff2010-05-13T08:00:04ZWhy Aren't We Saving for "Rainy Days" Anymore?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Arent-We-Saving-for-Rainy-Days-Anymore/691.html2010-05-13T08:00:02Z2010-05-13T08:00:02Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Back in the day, people believed it was morally correct and pragmatically smart to save for a rainy day. These days, folks prefer to spend what they have to "enjoy the moment." It turns out that most Americans say they're not saving as much as they should, but apparently, they're not very worried about it. Talk about living in dreamland!It is sad to receive a call to my daily radio program from a hard-working young couple with children who are frustrated with their parents who spend, spend, and spend some more and don't worry at all about retirement or medical issues they might face as they age. These young families are frantic, concerned about their obligation to parents who are doing nothing to provide for themselves. And then there are the young men who are making babies, "shacking up," and/or marrying young women they are in no financial position to support.Somewhere along the line, we've lost the notion of personal responsibility, and have substituted a sense of entitlement - i.e., that our families or our tax-paying communities should be paying our way.According to federal economic data and a recent survey by the Pew Research Center's Social and Demographic Trends Project, 3 out of 4 Americans admit they aren't saving enough. While you constantly hear people complaining about their finances, these feelings don't seem to motivate action: Americans now save, on average,
less than 1% of their incomes
, and the saving rate has been in almost continuous decline for more than
twenty years!
This lack of fiscal planning is equally evident for men and women. From the lowest income level to the highest, the admission of not saving enough ranges from 78% to 71%, indicating that level of wealth is irrelevant to notions of saving.Interestingly, the group most involved in saving is....senior citizens! Only a narrow majority (54%) of those ages 65 and older say they aren't saving enough. Necessity is the mother of frugality.Staff2010-05-13T08:00:02ZWhy Day Care Kids Don't Play OutsideStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Why-Day-Care-Kids-Dont-Play-Outside/692.html2010-05-13T08:00:01Z2010-05-13T08:00:01Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>More than half of American children between the ages of 3 and 6 are in child care centers or preschools, so the Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center recently released the results of a study of children's physical activity in day care settings. (
NY Times, 5/6/08
)The researchers surveyed staff members at 34 area child care centers to find out more about how kids spend their time while they're in day care, including the reasons why they may or may not spend time outside. They presented the findings recently at the annual meeting of the Pediatric Academic Societies in Honolulu, Hawaii. The findings may surprise you.Children are kept inside by day care workers if they show up in flip-flops rather than sneakers, or if they don't have a coat on a chilly day. If only one child doesn't have the right clothes for outdoor play, the whole group may be kept indoors. Occasionally, parents will deliberately drop off a child without a coat, because they don't want the child going outside that day.Mulch is often used to landscape playgrounds and outdoor spaces at child care centers. The researchers found that kids eat the mulch, get it caught in their shoes or use it as weapons, so day care staff indicated that outdoor play can sometimes be troublesome.Also the feelings of teachers and parents influence whether or not children play outside. Children learn important motor and social skills by learning to kick a ball or negotiating with another child for a turn on the swing, but teachers said they felt pressure from some parents who were more concerned with children spending time on academic skills.In addition, some day care workers said it was just too much trouble and took too much time to bundle up the kids during cold weather, while other workers said they just didn't like going outside.What more can be said about institutionalized day orphanages?Staff2010-05-13T08:00:01ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/693.html2010-05-13T08:00:00Z2010-05-13T08:00:00ZStaff2010-05-13T08:00:00ZHow About Putting a "Sin Tax" on Fast Food?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-About-Putting-a-Sin-Tax-on-Fast-Food/694.html2010-05-13T07:59:59Z2010-05-13T07:59:59Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>We already have taxes levied on cigarettes, purportedly to pay for education to stop smoking. So, what's so wrong with a tax on fast food to subsidize education about "eating less and moving more," considering that two-thirds of the American population is fat or obese?Lawmakers in New Jersey are considering such a tax, and planning to use the revenue from it to fund struggling hospitals. Obviously, the old hat argument comes out that condemns such a tax as specifically aiming at the poor. When you want to budget money for eating, why not consider eating at home and brown-bagging it for lunch? Everyone knows that this is a cheaper and more nutritious alternative.As one taxpayer pointed out,
"It costs $12.86 for fries and this little chicken wrap...."
This taxpayer was complaining about adding a tax. Yipes. This taxpayer should have been complaining about how much money he's wasting on such a menu. He did also comment that
"if they raise it
[i.e., the price with a tax],
I'll stop buying it."
Brilliant! If it's unhealthy, he'll eat it. If it has a "sin tax," he'll stop. I think that's a good enough reason for the tax.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:59ZFit, Not FatStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Fit,-Not-Fat/695.html2010-05-13T07:59:59Z2010-05-13T07:59:59Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A study by Harvard-affiliated researchers published in the
Archives of Internal Medicine
challenges the notion that you can be fat and fit. They found that being active can
lower,
but not
eliminate
heart risks faced by women who are fat or obese.This new study involved nearly 39,000 women, average age of 54, who filled out a questionnaire at the beginning of the study detailing their height, weight and amount of weekly physical activity in the past year, including walking, jogging, bicycling, and swimming. They were then tracked for approximately 11 years.Women were considered "active" if they followed government-recommended guidelines, and got at least 30 minutes of moderate activity most days of the week. Women who got less exercise than that were considered "inactive." Weight was evaluated by body mass index (BMI): a BMI between 25 and 29 is considered overweight, and 30 or higher is considered obese.Compared with normal-weight active women, the risk for developing heart disease was 54% higher in
overweight
active women, and
87%
higher in
obese
active women. By contrast, the risk for developing heart disease was 88% higher in overweight
inactive
women and 2 1/2 times greater in obese
inactive
women.About two in five American women at age 50 will eventually develop heart attacks or other cardiovascular problems according to the Associated Press report (
4/29/08
). Excess weight can raise those odds in numerous ways, such as increasing blood pressure and increasing the risks for diabetes, as well as increasing "bad" (LDL) cholesterol. Exercise counteracts all three.If there's one place in the world where there is no excuse for being inactive, it's southern California. Between the glorious weather, the hiking trails in the mountains, marked bicycle lanes and more, it's almost impossible to excuse or explain being out of shape.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:59ZMore on Parental IrresponsibilityStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/More-on-Parental-Irresponsibility/696.html2010-05-13T07:59:57Z2010-05-13T07:59:57Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Sue Shellenbarger writes a column for
The Wall Street Journal
that generally sends me up any available wall. The column is entitled "Home & Family," and I keep up with it if only to counter its content.She recently answered a reader's question (
4/30/08
) that had to do with a divorced father wanting to take his 10 year old son to his native Australia for 10 days, but his ex-wife is fighting the plan. The father contends that life lessons of such a vacation trump school. He's going to court for the right to take him, and asks Shellenbarger what she thinks.First of all, there are laws which prohibit one parent from taking a child out of the country without the express permission of the other. The reason is obvious: child-stealing. Secondly, having divorced parents at war with each other over a child hurts the child as he or she feels divided loyalties and tremendous anxiety. Thirdly, taking a child out of school for a protracted trip teaches the child that education is less of a priority than personal desires for fun. This father could arrange a summer trip when no school is missed. My guess is that this is a major power play.Shellenbarger not only doesn't deal with any of these issues, but she focuses on the whim of the child: if he would be comfortable with the trip; if he would see it as an adventure....in other words, just considering what the
kid
wants. What?? Of course the kid wants to be out of school and hanging out with dingos and kangaroos!
"The ideal route would be for you and your ex-wife to set aside your personal feelings and focus on what he truly wants,"
contributes a New Jersey Marriage and Family Therapist. "[It]
depends on your son's openness to the experience. Try to give him a free and honest choice, unfettered by feelings of loyalty to either of you or fear of letting you down."
Is she kidding? How can a ten year old do that? And why put the burden on the child? Aren't the parents supposed to want and do what is best for the child? This is more of the "if it feels good it
is
good" school of thought - an experiment whose failure doesn't seem to curtail its perpetuation.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:57ZMother/Child Bonding on the RiseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Mother/Child-Bonding-on-the-Rise/697.html2010-05-13T07:59:56Z2010-05-13T07:59:56Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Here's some good news for the day after Mother's Day. One delightful index of the movement away from the "feminist mother" mentality of "other-than-mother" care is the percentage of new moms who are breastfeeding. While it is possible that some women squeeze out breast milk into a bottle for the hired help to administer to their baby, the latest Centers for Disease Control and Prevention data indicate that 77% of new mothers breastfeed their infants, which is the highest rate in the United States in at least 20 years!The percentage of black infants who were breast-fed rose most dramatically - to 65%. Only 36% were ever breast-fed in 1993-1994, the study found. For whites, the figure rose to 79% from 62%. For Hispanics, it increased to 80%, from 67%.The rates of breast feeding were lowest among women who were unmarried, poor, rural, younger than 20, and had a high school education or less.Experts emphasize that breast milk is better than formula at protecting babies against disease and childhood obesity.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:56ZMommy Is LoveStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Mommy-Is-Love/698.html2010-05-13T07:59:54Z2010-05-13T07:59:54Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>In the feminista days of my youth (college in the 1960's) I took up the sword of the feminist movement's message that marriage and mothering were yokes of oppression. Fortunately, I recovered from that ailment in time to become a wife and mother. Since my "rehab," I've been a fervent supporter of adoption over abortion and mothering over institutionalized day-orphanages. I'm grateful to be able to say that I've been able to influence over 30 years' worth of listeners to my radio program. To celebrate this Mother's Day I have decided to share of some their letters and lives:
TaShanique:
I began listening to your radio program before I got pregnant, and when I discovered that I was expecting, it was clear what I had to do. My husband gave me the go-ahead to quit my stressful job in March of 2007, even though my son wasn't due until late July. I was prepared to be a stay-at-home mommy. One thing I wasn't prepared for was all the backlash that I received. I heard that I was being arrogant in assuming that I could teach my child everything by sheltering him from the world; I would be spoiling my child by not exposing him to other people. Also, after church one day, I yawned and someone said to me 'Why are you yawning? You don't have a job so you shouldn't be tired!' I thought it was a joke, until I saw he wasn't laughing.
This may have not bothered most people, but I was suffering from postpartum depression and had a hard time with such negativity from others. I also hadn't been receiving my regular 'dose' of Dr Laura, so I started to second- guess myself as to whether or not I had made the right choice.
However, it seems like everything changed in one day. I got stuck in traffic and turned to your broadcast and listened to you encourage mothers to 'go do the right thing.' When I got home, my husband greeted me with a big hug and kiss, and told me that I was doing a great job and that he's proud to have me as his wife and the mother of his son. I was doing the right thing; I was being my son's mother and my husband's wife.
That same evening, a person who had been the most critical toward me called me and was very upset. The pediatrician who cares for her daughter begged her to remove her daughter from day-care because she is constantly ill and underweight. She was upset at the pediatrician, and asked me what she should do. I told her to go do the right thing, which she took to mean that it was time to criticize me once again for making the choice to stay at home. I told her that I had to go make dinner for my family and hung up. What she had to say didn't bother me.
My husband and I are planning on having another baby next year. This time I will be well prepared. I am currently creating a list that contains the reasons why I stay at home. That will ensure that even through postpartum depression that I won't forget that I did the right thing."
Karen:
I have been wanting to write to you since my first daughter was born 4 years ago to proclaim 'I am my Kid's Mom!' and to tell you that I could not have done that without your encouragement.
My parents did not teach me that the most important job in the world was being a parent. My father did not respect my mother's role as wife and mother, and my mother obviously resented being his wife. While she did tell us that being a mother was her greatest joy, I am not sure that she ever would have stood on a mountaintop to proclaim, 'I am My Kid's Mom!'
Since that time, my parents divorced. My mother died a month before my wedding, and my greatest sadness is that I cannot share with her my complete joy and happiness in being a parent. My father, having had some dramatic life changes, has completely supported me and continually tells me how proud he is that I am choosing to be a stay-at-home mom, and to be 'My Kid's Mom.' By the way, he listens to you as well and I made him a t-shirt with a picture of him holding my daughter at 6 hours of age - the t-shirt says, 'I am my grand-daughter's grandpa!'
I am now 42 years old. I did not meet the man of my dreams until I was 36, so we had to work quickly to start our family. When I met the love of my life, I knew that he was the man that I wanted to be the father of my children. I was so right. He and my daughter are glued to each other every waking moment; she is happy to sit in his lap and watch C-SPAN! Every day that I see them together, I fall in love with him more and more. My favorite pastime is listening to them over the baby monitor as they read and giggle together!! He is definitely his kid's dad.
I remember as a teenager saying that I never wanted to get married or have a family - I did not want to give up my independence. If I did, I wanted to be able to afford a full-time nanny. What a crock of crap! The day my daughter was born I changed my voice mail. Instead of the business response, it now says, 'You have reached the proud mama of K.R.A. Sorry we can't take your call, but we are busy at the park, at the playgroup, at the pool, at music class, etc.'
I was so worried about my professional identity before she was born. Took me less than two minutes to toss my professional identity out of the window because 'I am my Kid's Mom!'
While this is a great story, where do you fit in, Dr. Laura? I never, ever would have wanted to be my kid's mom without your encouragement as well as some modeling from some of my friends. So, thank you for your wisdom and nagging.
Excelsa:
I am a stay-at-home mom to my 1 year 7 month old daughter. Each day I teach her several words and she repeats them after me. I started with the simple words and progressed to more difficult ones. I went through all the body parts, then animals, then constellations and other miscellaneous words. Well, just when I was beginning to wrap things up, I said to my daughter, 'Honey, can you say love?' She smiled her cute little smile and said, 'Mom.'
Oh, my heart just melted. My husband was listening, and he just picked up our daughter and gave her the biggest kiss and said, 'Yes, honey, Mommy
is
love.'
Just thought I'd let you know that this is such a defining moment for me as a mother, and that I know I am doing a great job raising my daughter.
Final Thought: A caller to my radio program described being a surrogate mother for her brother and sister-in-law. Preliminary tests suggested that the baby has Down Syndrome. The brother and sister-in-law want her to abort; she wanted my opinion. I suggested that she get them in contact with parent groups of Down Syndrome children for support and information; and if that did not change their minds, to either keep the baby herself (she was married) or get them to sign away their rights and offer the child for adoption. I received scores of letters from married women willing to adopt this child. Happy Mother's Day.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:54ZHow 'Bout Buying Your Kids Some "Blow?"Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/How-Bout-Buying-Your-Kids-Some-Blow/699.html2010-05-13T07:59:53Z2010-05-13T07:59:53Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Just when I thought it was safe to go on to another subject, we have yet another attempt to draw our kids down the wrong alley. Picture this: a white powder that comes in a clear vial. It's sold with a mirror and fake credit card. The product is called "Blow," one of the street names for cocaine. It's a powdered energy drink, and the obvious comparison to cocaine is alarming.The advertising is very pro drug culture, designed to entice and to look at drugs and drug behavior as cool and glamorous. Not only that, but each drink is like having almost 7 cans of Coca Cola, with 240 milligrams of caffeine - downright dangerous!When the company's owner was challenged, he said:
"Parents that think it's despicable are typically the parents that don't want to take personal responsibility for educating their children about drugs and addiction in general."
That is a load of garbage. How can parents deal with their children's constant brainwashing with the Disney girl behaviors and power drinks that mimic drugs? How can families insulate themselves from the forces attempting to make a profit as well as have access to ever new markets for sexual exploitation and drug sales - legal or otherwise?Staff2010-05-13T07:59:53ZPersonal Responsibility - Cosby StyleStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Personal-Responsibility---Cosby-Style/700.html2010-05-13T07:59:52Z2010-05-13T07:59:52Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Fulton Superior Court Judge Marvin Arrington got in hot water when he cleared his courtroom of white people so he could speak frankly to a group of more than 50 young, black defendants, because he didn't want to air the community's dirty laundry in front of whites.After being publicly attacked, he is now defended by Bill Cosby and Chris Tucker, both of whom showed up at Benjamin E. Mays High School, packed with mostly at-risk high school students and their parents. Cosby has been tireless in his attempts to reach out to the African-American community with his message of tough love:
"The man from Nigeria comes here, he's here two months, and what does he do? He goes to the community college. He's learning a second language while he drives a cab. What are our children doing? Practicing a first language only they can understand."
Chris Tucker has vowed to assist Cosby and Arrington in setting up a mentoring program for the approximately 600 students who attended the forum.Bill Cosby denounced
"petty criminals, low-income black who choose athletic shoes over education, and rappers who dwell on ignorance and vulgarity."
He demanded that people start taking personal responsibility or their lives.Cosby said:
"Our people climbed and did stuff they said we couldn't do,"
listing Joe Louis, Althea Gibson and Marian Anderson, to name only a few greats.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:52ZDisney Girls Vamp It UpStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Disney-Girls-Vamp-It-Up/701.html2010-05-13T07:59:51Z2010-05-13T07:59:51Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>When I was a kid, I was desperate to become a Mouseketeer - wearing those mouse ears, dancing, singing, and acting in one of the weekly Disney specials. Alas, telling them of my dream in a postcard sent to them at the age of 12 got no response.At that time in Disney's history, children's "things" were innocent and sweet. No more. We are now in the era of Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Vanessa Hudgens and now, Miley Cyrus posing for
Vanity Fair
topless, beneath a draped sheet, and sporting a seductive look.It's no surprise that little girls and boys look up to young celebrities with enthusiasm and yearning, and it's obvious that these celebrities become instant role-models as well.
My
Disney role-models were talented and squeaky clean, because that was Mr. Disney's vision. That was a good thing - or at least most families with children believed so.Most parents of 15-year-olds are pretty upset about this inappropriate display of an adolescent in
Vanity Fair
, where Cyrus is exposing her body in a vulgar way and giving their own children the wrong idea of feminine modesty and self-respect.
Vanity Fair
defends this travesty as beautiful, natural, and artistic. How 'bout saying the truth: they did this to sell magazines, and the best way to sell magazines is to sensationally exploit somebody or something. When it comes to exploiting children and vulgarizing their innocence, somebody ought to pull the plug on the photographer's lights. Apparently, former teen star Hilary Duff professed (according to Fox News) that she would
never
have made the mistake that Miley did by posing topless beneath a sheet. When I first heard of Duff's statement, I got excited that someone of her celebrity would take on the elites of Manhattan and Hollywood. Well, that dimmed immediately upon reading her entire statement, which included the following:
"Everyone goes through things and takes their own path; who am I to judge decisions that she made? People are pushing you to do something, and if you want to do it, that's your choice. It's not what I would choose to do, but if she did, then that's fine. That's her choice."
In 2008, I am shocked to read the same lame, amoral, immature and gutless rhetoric of the 1960's. Anything one chooses to do is fine simply because it is their choice? So, there is not right and wrong? There are no obligations to standards for the sake of others and the community? All things we choose to do have value simply because we choose to them?Take that philosophy to your standard innocent and naïve youth, and what do you get? You get the blasé determination that the best thing for little girls is an injection for a sexually transmitted disease (venereal warts) almost as soon as she reaches double digits in age! You also get Planned Parenthood aborting babies for these little girls and not reporting to the police that the fathers are adult men. You get young women so scarred and corrupted by all the "choices" they've made, that they can barely imagine, much less trust, the yearning for a safe, committed, happy marriage and family.That one look of Miley over her shoulder, with her chest barely covered with a sheet is an assault on the innocence of even more young girls...just when we thought they got the idea that becoming another Britney Spears was not such a good thing.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:51ZMidwest Drunk DriversStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Midwest-Drunk-Drivers/702.html2010-05-13T07:59:50Z2010-05-13T07:59:50Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The upper Midwest has the worst drunken-driving rates in the country, according to a government report that says
"15% of adult drivers nationally report driving under the influence of alcohol in the previous year."
Really! They admitted to it? Wow.This report on drunken driving relies on data obtained from the National Survey on Drug Use and Health, and is based on a scientific random sample of households, asking about 128,000 adults between 2004 and 2006 whether they had driven under the influence in the past year. Wisconsin leads the way, with government estimates of more than a quarter of the state's adult drivers having driven drunk. Rounding out the "worst" five are: North Dakota, Minnesota, Nebraska, and South Dakota.Utah had the lowest national incidence of drunken driving - likely because of the cultural religious influence. A majority of Utah residents are Mormon, and their religion bars the use of alcohol. Utah was the only state where fewer than 10% of adult motorists reported driving under the influence. West Virginia, Arkansas, Kentucky and North Carolina all had drunken-driving rates for the previous year of less than 11%.Interestingly, blacks drink at substantially lower rates and at less hazardous rates than whites, according to the report.In the past decade, the number of drunken drivers involved in alcohol-related crashes has remained relatively stable at a little under 12,400 per year; it's illegal to drive with a blood alcohol level of 0.08 or higher.The federal government has also released estimates of driving under the influence of illicit drugs. The rates for this were highest in Washington D.C., Rhode Island, and Massachusetts, with the lowest rates in New Jersey, Alabama, and North and South Dakota.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:50ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/703.html2010-05-13T07:59:49Z2010-05-13T07:59:49Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Even as kids reach adolescence, they need more than ever for us to watch over them. Adolescence is not about letting go. It's about hanging on during a very bumpy ride.
- Ron Taffe; AuthorStaff2010-05-13T07:59:49Zro8kbsmage.txtStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/ro8kbsmage.txt/704.html2010-05-13T07:59:48Z2010-05-13T07:59:48ZStaff2010-05-13T07:59:48ZTeen "Idle"Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Teen-Idle/705.html2010-05-13T07:59:48Z2010-05-13T07:59:48Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Andrew Sum of the Center for Labor Market Studies at Northeastern University in Boston predicts that teen summer employment is going to fall to the lowest rate in the 60 year history of government jobs data. That's down from 45% in 2000, and a high of 48.5% in 1989.The reasons for this tightening of the teen summer job market are varied. Because of weakness in the economy, more adults (including unemployed college graduates, older workers, former welfare recipients, illegal immigrants, and working adults seeking second jobs) are competing for low-skilled, hourly posts. The proportion of jobless teens actively looking and available for paying jobs last summer, at 17.1% was nearly four times that of adults (
Wall St. Journal, 4/23/08
).Idle children are not in the best interests of family, neighborhoods, or society. That amount of non-focused adolescent energy needs a constructive outlet. Individuals as well as businesses all should take on the responsibility of providing at least some sort of hourly work during the summertime for teens; this would provide them structured time, financial compensation, skill building, exercise of the mind and body or both, increased self-esteem, and experiences of a more positive nature than they'd probably have without the work.Another outlet for teens is to come up with some business concept of their own, wherein they provide a service for a business or homeowner. Once concept, described by the founder of
Teens4Hire.org
, an employment website, was her suggestion to a panhandling skateboarded to start his own business collecting household hazardous waste for recycling. He made $700 hauling paint cans, oil, and other items to a recycling center at $3 per item. Teens can also do grocery shopping or other chores for the elderly or housebound or just darn busy folks - there are lots of ideas just waiting to be brought to life.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:48ZMilitary Training Good for American YouthStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Military-Training-Good-for-American-Youth/706.html2010-05-13T07:59:47Z2010-05-13T07:59:47Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Recently, the news has been filled with reports regarding the military's acceptance of increasing numbers of felons into their ranks. I still believe that each and every male and female who reaches the age of 18 should spend two years in military training. Our young people are spending more and more of their precious twenties still being dependent children and/or getting into all sorts of trouble with sex, drugs, and violence. Two years of military experience would toughen 'em up, teach them self-discipline, give them an outlet for their immense unfocused energies, and provide an opportunity for them to become more mature, thinking individuals.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:47ZSex Offenders As Child Care WorkersStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Sex-Offenders-As-Child-Care-Workers/707.html2010-05-13T07:59:46Z2010-05-13T07:59:46Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Over a decade ago, as a guest on the
Donahue
television show, while I was attempting to explain the concepts of
"Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives"
(my current book at the time) to a pre-arranged hostile audience, I was inundated with bitter challenges on the issue of day care, which, interestingly, wasn't even an issue in the book.Fed up with the nonsense, I took control from Donahue (no simple task) and challenged the audience members to stand up if, after dying and coming back a second time, they would actually
choose
to be raised by a nanny, baby-sitter, or day care center. Funny thing....nobody got up.As I have pointed out numerous times here, in my book
"Stupid Things Parents Do To Mess Up Their Kids,"
and on my radio program, adults have become so self-serving that the well-being and appropriate needs of children have been ferociously ignored or dismissed. I've recently read national reports demonstrating that parents - even
before
they have children - are fighting for spots in day care centers! I figure, if they can plan that far ahead, they certainly can plan to have a parent at home, or to wait to have children until they are able and willing to do the right thing for their family.I have been thoroughly amazed at how the injuries, abuse, and deaths of children in day care centers has left many attending families angry - but angry with the authorities for closing them down! Can you imagine that?State auditors reviewing the California Department of Social Services compared the addresses of the state's licensed facilities (including foster family homes and day care centers) with the state's database of registered sex offenders, and found that the addresses of 49 sex offenders matched those of 46 child care facilities. It should go without saying that convicted sex offenders shouldn't be employed in a facility for children.Nonetheless, of the 46 address matches, 25 were in Los Angeles, 8 in the Central California Valley, 7 in the San Francisco Bay area, 4 in San Diego, and 1 each in San Bernardino and Sacramento. The verification process is under way - children are being interviewed, and some licenses are being suspended. This "match up" procedure will surely miss the folks who got jobs under assumed names just to be nearer to children.It would seem that some people go to great lengths to be close to our kids...maybe we should be holding our kids even closer.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:46Z4,914 Sex SessionsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/4,914-Sex-Sessions/708.html2010-05-13T07:59:45Z2010-05-13T07:59:45Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>With all the controversy about inappropriate sex (single women having babies out-of-wedlock on purpose, child sexual abuse in various religious orders, kids performing oral sex in middle school classrooms, etc.), it's nice to know that I can share with you a positive, healthy, and utterly lovely sexual story.Nancy K (I'm protecting her privacy!) wrote:
I'd like to respond to your radio program caller who, sadly, had sex with his wife about once every three to six months due to an over-packed lifestyle. I've been married for 27 years to a great guy. We've had our ups and downs-family troubles, kid troubles, you name it - some of them pretty devastating, but our marriage has survived due to commitment, faith in God, and the intimacy that holds us together when the storms hit.
Since I can remember, we have sex every other day...yes, you read correctly. Barring serious illness or surgery, even during the early years when our kids were young, through the teen years when we had kids all over the house, and now through the college years when my kids come home to visit, we have kept this pattern. It has not always been easy! Sometimes, we need to be creative.We have a lock on our door, and a television in the bedroom as a sound buffer. We have even "snuck" away from our home for a quick evening in a local, cheap hotel, and returned before bedtime, all for the price of a dinner and a movie out. Sometimes, he drops by at lunch, if he's out on a customer call, or I meet him.
I estimate that to be approximately 4,914 sessions! Mind you, not all of these times are steamy hours of sex. Some last only minutes, but the connection is there, and I can say with confidence that I challenge anything or anyone to come between us, because we are truly one.
When marriages allow all the intimacy to be sucked out of their lives, they will not have anything to cling to when trouble comes, and it
will
come in some form during your marriage. I don't always feel like having sex, but I always feel like being close to him, and by seeing the best in my man, respecting him and his needs, and honoring him. I find that I can almost always get "in the mood" because he values me.
My hubby bought me "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" as a little gift one day - and I read it and loved it. I picked up some new pointers, and used it as a refresher course to jump-start an already-good marriage.
I quoted this letter in full because I believe that the most devastating aspect of a marriage is one in which the spouses take each other for granted, serve their own moods or desires, and don't wake up every day wondering what they can do to make the other's life worth living.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:45ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/709.html2010-05-13T07:59:44Z2010-05-13T07:59:44Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>He is happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home.
- GoetheStaff2010-05-13T07:59:44ZAre Disabled Children Dispensable?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Are-Disabled-Children-Dispensable/710.html2010-05-13T07:59:43Z2010-05-13T07:59:43Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Senator Edward Kennedy (D-MA) is adamant in his support for abortion on demand. Senator Sam Brownback (R-KS) is as adamant in his support for the illegalization of abortion. However, as odd as it may seem, they have joined forces in a bill (S1810), the "Prenatally and Postnatally Diagnosed Condition Awareness Act." Their bill would require parents faced with pre- and post-natal diagnoses of disability to receive
"timely, scientific, and nondirective counseling about the conditions"
as well as
"up-to-date, comprehensive information about life expectancy, development potential, and quality of life"
for a child born with Down syndrome or any other genetic disability, as well as
"referrals to providers of key support services."
Their hope is that when parents receive a more complete picture, more of them will welcome their disabled babies into the world, instead of choosing termination. Nice bedfellows.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:43ZFather and Mother Know BestStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Father-and-Mother-Know-Best/711.html2010-05-13T07:59:42Z2010-05-13T07:59:42Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>"Home-schooled students are routinely high performers on standardized academic tests, beating their public school peers on average by as much as 30 percentile points, regardless of the subject. They perform well on tests like the SAT - and colleges actively recruit them both for their high scores and the diversity they bring to campus." (Wall Street Journal 3/22/08).
The 166,000 families in California that choose to educate their children at home do so largely for three reasons: religious, protecting their children from gangs and drugs, and mostly because they want to ensure their children a good education.
Considering the overwhelming success of home-schooling, one would think it perplexing that a California court ruled in March that parents cannot home-school their children without government certification. Fascinating, since non-credentialed parents spend their time teaching English, math and science precisely because they don't think the public schools do a good enough job!
You should know that this whole court case was not about quality of education. The case was initiated by the Los Angeles Department of Children and Family Services after one - ONE - home-schooled child reportedly complained of physical abuse by his father. A lawyer assigned to that child invoked the truancy law to get the children enrolled in a public school and away from the parents (California law requires children between six and 18 to attend a full-time day school. Failure to comply means breaking the truancy laws).
So, a single case of parental abuse is being used to promote the certification of all parents who make that huge commitment to their children's education. Unbelievable.
Between 1999 and 2003, the rate of home-schooling increased by 29% and the performance results speak for themselves. Of course, the California Teacher's Union is ecstatic about this outcome - in spite of the facts that demonstrate that, on the average, children do better academically outside of their classrooms.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:42ZThe Value of Your Life Just Dropped!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Value-of-Your-Life-Just-Dropped!/712.html2010-05-13T07:59:41Z2010-05-13T07:59:41Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Evidently, there are so many identity thieves that the intense competition has driven the prices for stealing your identity way down. Credit card numbers were selling for as little as 40 cents each (dropping 50%), and access to your bank account was going to ten dollars in the second half of 2007, according to the latest twice-yearly "Internet Security Threat Report" from Symantec Corporation.
Full identities - including a functioning credit card number, Social Security Number or equivalent, and a person's name, address and date of birth - are going for as little as two dollars apiece! Your life can be wrecked for about ten dollars.
Stolen identities of European Union citizens, however, sell for considerably more than American identities - they go for about thirty dollars, because those identities can be used in multiple countries.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:41ZInstructions for Death by SuicideStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Instructions-for-Death-by-Suicide/713.html2010-05-13T07:59:41Z2010-05-13T07:59:41Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>People searching the Internet for information about suicide are more likely to find sites actually
encouraging
suicide than those offering help or support.Professors of psychiatry and epidemiology from several universities in England found that nearly half of websites showing up in queries of the four top search engines (Google, Yahoo, MSN, and Ask.com) gave "how to" advice on taking one's own life. Only 13 per cent focused on suicide prevention or offered support, while another 12 per cent actively discouraged suicide.According to
this study
,
"Information on methods is not the only way that the Internet can contribute to suicidal behavior. Contributors to chat rooms may exert peer pressure to commit suicide, idolize those who have completed suicide, and facilitate suicide pacts. Such discussion may lessen any doubts or fears of people who are uncertain about suicide....[Researchers] observed that people posting notes concerning suicide on the web are often initially ambivalent, but that their resolve strengthens as others encourage them, and backing out or seeking help becomes more difficult.
It may be more fruitful for service providers to provide website optimization strategies to maximize the likelihood that suicidal people access helpful, rather than potentially harmful, sites in time of crisis."
Frankly, I find it disgusting that these search engines do not vet their sites and allow such a proliferation of sadism; this is taking the concept of freedom of speech to an absurd point. There needs to be a more humane balance between freedom of expression and public protection. Currently, the main approaches to reducing the potential harm of suicide sites include self-regulation by Internet service providers and use of filtering software by parents to block sites from susceptible children.Since 2006, it has been illegal in Australia to use the Internet to promote or provide practical details concerning suicide, and Internet service providers in Japan and Korea have attempted to block specific sites providing similar information.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:41ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/714.html2010-05-13T07:59:40Z2010-05-13T07:59:40Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Many people have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.
- Helen KellerStaff2010-05-13T07:59:40Zro8kbsmage1.txtStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/ro8kbsmage1.txt/715.html2010-05-13T07:59:40Z2010-05-13T07:59:40ZStaff2010-05-13T07:59:40ZGiving Up Private PracticeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Giving-Up-Private-Practice/716.html2010-05-13T07:59:39Z2010-05-13T07:59:39Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I've been doing a large number of radio interviews since the publication of
Stop Whining, Start Living
a few weeks ago. I enjoy them, because I connect with fellow talk-show hosts around the country. I'm challenged with great questions, and I have an opportunity to meet new listeners.One particular interviewer asked me:
"Why did you give up private practice for radio?"
My answer? Because I can help more people per square inch of time.That is exactly true, but after thinking more about this question during the week, there is more. Having been trained, licensed, and in private practice as a Marriage, Family, and Child Therapist, I have had innumerable experiences with people dealing with a wide range of problems. Looking back, it seems that suffering and problems fill the amount of time allotted to them. That means that generally (read:
not always
) most "problems" can be dealt with in a shorter amount of time with
a change in how you look at the problem
. In other words, the "fix" is most often just looking at the same facts in a different way.For example, a recent female caller was annoyed at her mother being in constant "schmooze" mode. It seemed incredible to have someone complain about "too much lovey-dovey behavior" from a parent! I asked her about her childhood. Bingo. Her mother had been cold, unloving, critical, etc. I told the caller that it was understandable that she was uncomfortable with loving behavior from her mom, considering she spent an entire childhood getting the opposite. And this big switch explained why the caller felt that her mom wasn't being sincere.One could imagine a year or so of joint and individual therapy to "resolve" the resentments and other feelings. But it took thirty seconds for me to help this woman open her heart to her mother trying to make up for the past. I explained that the other options were that her mother ignored her completely or continued to be horrible. Trying to make it up to her is a demonstration of humility and love.My caller cried as I told her to "let go" into it, and that as difficult as it was for her to accept the love because it felt to foreign - that
the same was true for her mother!
The caller thanked me and remarked how she had never looked at it that way and that it changed everything.When people call my radio program, they already know that the time they'll have is quite brief, and they know "the rules." They are open to a "smack in the head" (V8 style!), and in the "heart" from me, and they fill this brief time with intensity.People who read my books (currently
Stop Whining, Start Living
) write me that within a few chapters, they feel a change that others notice! They feel "released." I believe a lot of important changes in life can happen quite quickly and the feedback we get from listeners and readers shows that the students are ready - and I'm grateful that so many people have accepted me as a teacher.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:39ZAre Dads Unnecessary?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Are-Dads-Unnecessary/717.html2010-05-13T07:59:38Z2010-05-13T07:59:38Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>For the life of me, I don't know what single women "by choice" tell their sons about what to look forward to in their futures. "Randy" sent me the front page of her local newspaper, with an article touting "Moms Single By Choice." Randy writes:
[The article is about w]omen in their late 30s or 40s who have no husbands but want a kid. A few adopt, while sperm bank fertilization impregnates many of them.
I have learned from listening to your radio program for the past two years that a woman's selfish desire to have a kid should be trumped by the needs of a child who would be best brought up in a two-parent family - mom and dad, married, with a stable home.
Ninety percent of the article promotes this behavior as an acceptable "choice." The article explains the pain a woman goes through when she realizes that Mr. Right is not coming as they age into their late 30s or early 40s. The article sympathizes with these brave career women who can afford full-time nannies and day care. One woman is quoted as saying that this was 'the best decision she ever made,' while the final word plainly says to 'go for it.' There are a couple of brief paragraphs buried late in the article mentioning the conservative point of view. It states that hundreds of studies have shows that mom and dad homes are superior to single-parent homes. Also, very briefly stated is that 'choice mothers are, in effect, teaching their children that men are not important to families, marriages, or children.'
I sympathize with the children of these single moms "by choice." They are intentionally robbed of a father. More than traditional money-earning, protecting and fixing things around the house, the dad does something else. He has a place in the family where he shows monogamy and daily behavior as a father and man should behave. He is a role model, and an example of the kind of person sons should grow up to resemble, and daughters should grow up to look for."
Hey, Randy, in this "PC" and feminist-brainwashed society, whatever an adult wants always trumps what children need! If a woman who never bothered to become "Miss Right," does want to devote herself to raising a child (without nannies and day-care), I'm all for her adopting an older or difficult-to-place child. Now,
that
would be a God-send.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:38ZEndurance and Purpose: Antidotes to DespairStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Endurance-and-Purpose:--Antidotes-to-Despair/718.html2010-05-13T07:59:36Z2010-05-13T07:59:36Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Last month, I was asked to write a note to wives of Los Angeles SWAT team members ("warrior wives") after a SWAT officer was killed in a real life incident. I thought it made sense to share it with all of you:Not long ago, I received an award from a Native American patriot group for being "the proud mother of a deployed American paratrooper." The representatives of this group travel the country giving special awards to military personnel and their families honoring their efforts, sacrifices, and suffering. Part of the quite moving ceremony was that I was given a Native American name. The representative of the tribe said that he got special permission from the elders to do so, and that he prayed to the spirits for many days until they told him what name to give me:
Walks With Warriors
.The obvious irony is that I talk about "warriors" with great reverence and respect almost every day on my radio program. Modern-day warriors include the military, firemen, and the police. These folks elect to put themselves in harm's way for perfect and imperfect strangers. Why? Because as the hot dog commercial touted, they "obey a higher power." That higher power is
purpose
.When my son volunteered for the military, I was at once proud and scared. I talked to him just before he left for basic training and said something like
"You know, honey, this is not like a video game or shooting targets. There will be young men on the other side trying to kill you before you kill them." "Mom,"
he replied, nonplussed while I was reverberating with discomfort,
"the way I drive, I could get killed on the freeway. Of course, I don't want to die or even get hurt. And some day, I'm going to die anyway, because, eventually, we all do. If I die in combat, I will at least have died for a noble purpose."
I was stunned. My eighteen year old wild kid had overnight turned into a man who understood that a life without purpose is the greatest loss. The constant memory of that conversation is what buoys me as a mother of a combat soldier. I'm so proud.I have used my own experience to help the mothers, wives, and children of warriors; I help them understand that they are not just wives, mothers, and children - they are warrior wives, warrior mothers, and warrior children - and provide them real back-up for these extraordinary people The sacrifice of time, energy, commitment, financial riches, and sometimes life and limb, make these warriors and their families special and deserving of infinitely more respect than they get by some who don't appreciate the price of freedom from enemies foreign and domestic, as well as from natural disasters.I am reminded of a scene from the Yul Brynner version of the film, "The Magnificent Seven." It takes place in Mexico, where a small village is one of the many terrorized by a roving gang of Mexican bandits preying on their own. Yul and six of his gun-slinging buddies are hired to protect the town. The scene of most importance to the issue of heroes and warriors is one in which one of the gunslingers tries to shoo away two young boys who are enthralled with him as a warrior and hero. One of them insults his own father, calling him a coward. The gunman grabs him and yells at him (I'm paraphrasing here):
"We're just men with guns. Your fathers are the real heroes. They work hard every day trying to squeeze food from the dirt to take care of your mothers and siblings. They struggle against the forces of nature and the evil of bandits. And they survive to protect and provide for you - they are the real heroes!"
The truth is, we need both. We need those willing to fight evil and disasters and we need those who toil each day supporting those warriors and the life they have us live. When we lose "one of ours," and collapse into negativity and despair, we destroy 1) what they built, and 2) what they lost. Their deaths are best honored by our continuing to do what they lived for: to have wonderful, productive, happy, and safe lives. Don't take what they lost and waste it with self-pity and rage. Take what they lost and honor their memory and their efforts by squeezing every ounce of joy that life, love, relationships, hobbies, work, family, and just plain smelling the lilacs can give.We most honor the deaths of warriors by
continuing
their commitment, not by giving up on our own. A respected rabbi once said:
"Despair is a cheap excuse for avoiding one's purpose in life. And a sense of purpose is the best way to avoid despair."
I have relied on this sentiment many times as despair has grabbed at my feet. I hope this helps you.My heart is with all of you, past and present.Dr. Laura C. SchlessingerStaff2010-05-13T07:59:36Zro8kbsmage.txtStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/ro8kbsmage.txt/719.html2010-05-13T07:59:35Z2010-05-13T07:59:35ZStaff2010-05-13T07:59:35ZToo Much Water, Water EverywhereStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Too-Much-Water,-Water-Everywhere/720.html2010-05-13T07:59:35Z2010-05-13T07:59:35Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>It's been a well-known, absolute fact that you're supposed to drink eight 8 oz. glasses of water each day to help flush toxins from the body, prevent weight gain, and improve skin tone. I'm surprised folks haven't been walking around with those aluminum hospital poles holding up bags of water for an all-day water drip. Remember all the recent arguing about those ubiquitous plastic water bottles and whether or not they should be banned?Well, brace yourself. Dr. Dan Negoianu and Dr. Stanley Goldfarb of the Renal, Electrolyte and Hypertension Division of the University of Pennsylvania say that not one single study indicates that an average, healthy person needs to drink that much water each day.They did report the obvious: that individuals in hot, dry climates, as well as athletes, need to increase the amount of water they drink. But no studies have found any benefit to the organs of increased water intake. Evidently, there is little to no data to support that drinking more water curbs your appetite, cures headaches, or improves skin tone.On the average, the body uses between 1.7 and 2.6 pints (1.0 - 1.5 liters) of water daily, and more in high temperatures or when exercising. While this can be replaced through drinks, a large amount is also contained in food, so it isn't necessary to drink an equivalent amount to replace water levels.Keep in mind that too much water can affect the balance of salts in the body, causing "water intoxication," which can be fatal - as it was to that woman in the radio contest where contestants were supposed to drink water continually without urinating in order to win a Wii.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:35ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/721.html2010-05-13T07:59:34Z2010-05-13T07:59:34Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Don't marry the person you think you can live with;marry only the individual you think you can't live without.
- James C. DobsonStaff2010-05-13T07:59:34ZMarriage Matters to ChildrenStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Marriage-Matters-to-Children/722.html2010-05-13T07:59:33Z2010-05-13T07:59:33Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The Claremont Institute (
http://www.claremont.org/
) recently published two book reviews having to do with the significance of marriage to the well-being of children, and the cohesiveness of society in general. The books reviewed are:
"Marriage and Caste in America: Separate and Unequal Families in a Post-Marital Age,"
by Kay S. Hymowitz, and
"The Future of Marriage,"
by David Blankenhorn.These are two fascinating and informational books that you ought to read. The reviewer, F. Carolyn Graglia, writes:
"Over the past four decades, American adults have seemed more concerned with enjoying their own existence than with the generation and welfare of children."
And in her book, Hymowitz writes:
"Children of single mothers are less successful on just about every measure than children growing up with their married parents regardless of their income, race, or educational levels: they are more prone to drug and alcohol abuse, to crime, and to school failure; they are less likely to graduate from college; they are more likelyl to have children at a young age, and more likely to do so when they are unmarried. Soaring divorce rates and out-of-wedlock births (37% of U. S. births are illegitimate) have made ours a nation of separate and unequal families."
The propensity to divorce is apparently correlated with two-income families. Hymowitz notes that the
"traditional families, with breadwinner husband and stay-at-home wife had the lowest rate of divorce."
Women employed 80% of the time since the birth of their first child are twice as likely to be divorced as stay-at-home moms. Today, more than 40% of all first marriages end in divorce (the rates for second and third marriages are higher), and more than half of all U.S. children will spend
"at least a significant part of their childhood living apart from their father."
Shacking up, having babies out of wedlock as an entitlement for working women who don't have the time or inclination to create a marriage, having babies out of wedlock because of irresponsible sexual behavior (and not considering adoption to a two-parent mom and dad)...all of these now-normalized behaviors reek of narcissism and indicate that we worry less about children and more about adults being unfettered by morality, good sense, or compassion to the needs of children.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:33ZPersonal Responsibility Goes HollywoodStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Personal-Responsibility-Goes-Hollywood/723.html2010-05-13T07:59:32Z2010-05-13T07:59:32Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>It's no surprise to my listeners that I see much of today's media as instrumental in dumbing down our collective moral sensibilities. I'm happy to let you know of an exception. NBC Universal and Liberty Mutual have announced a marketing and programming partnership that will deliver NBC's two-hour movie/backdoor pilot "Kings" as well as an additional original movie to air on NBC and the USA Network during the 2008-09 season. The movies are part of a broader Liberty Mutual marketing campaign tied to the theme of personal responsibility.According to NBC Universal's press release,
"Through the Responsibility Project, Liberty Mutual uses independently produced short films, online content, and (with the addition of the NBC partnership) television programming, as catalysts for examining the decisions that confront people trying to 'do the right thing.'"
Each movie will be promoted and linked to The Responsibility Project website (
responsibilityproject.com
), which features independently-produced film shorts, discussion guides, interviews, articles, and blog postings tied to the central theme of personal responsibility.I can't wait to see how - and if - this works. It seems to me that sneaking up on people with entertainment to tickle their sensibilities about honor, integrity, honesty, courage and convictions is, in this era of media "OD"ing with messages to the contrary, a very smart idea.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:32ZStrong Marriages = Strong CommunitiesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Strong-Marriages-=-Strong-Communities/724.html2010-05-13T07:59:32Z2010-05-13T07:59:32Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Pastor Alexander Hardy, Jr. of the New Dimension Worship Center in Frederick, Maryland banded together with 16 other churches to present Families United '08 two weekends ago. This was a three-day conference for children and adults, including workshops and fun and games. Sunday was even declared Marriage Day in Frederick, by way of a proclamation from the mayor and aldermen.The point of this effort was to send a message of hope and perseverance to younger adults. The religious aspect was not incidental: one participant said that building a relationship with God has made all the difference in building relationships with his wife and children:
"When we got married, we didn't know God. God has taught us to be humble; taught us we don't always have to be right or have it our way."
All together, about 350 people attended this event, with six couples renewing their vows in front of their children and community. Inspiring!Staff2010-05-13T07:59:32ZThe World's Best LoversStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Worlds-Best-Lovers/725.html2010-05-13T07:59:31Z2010-05-13T07:59:31Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The GfK Group (
www.gfk.com
) is one of the largest market research companies in the world. They recently released the results of a study commissioned by the Wall Street Journal Europe, in which they surveyed the sexual attitudes of 19,100 people in 20 countries:
www.gfk.com/group/press_information/press_releases/00715/index.en.html
One third of Americans and one third of Europeans believe that their countries have the best lovers. The Greeks are the most confident - 77% rated their own country "tops" in matters of sex. The exceptions are Belgians, Germans and the Dutch who assume that the best lovers aren't in their own countries, but in....Italy. And 69% of Italians agree with them!The Greeks are also at the front of the class when it comes to frequency of lovemaking. One quarter of Greeks say that "at least five times a week" is appropriate, while only 10% of Europeans and 16% of Americans feel the same way. Adultery in marriage is also regarded very differently in various countries: 90% of Turks thought adultery was intolerable; 40% of Americans agree with the Turkish viewpoint, and in all countries, women are more unforgiving of extra-marital sex than men.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:31ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/726.html2010-05-13T07:59:30Z2010-05-13T07:59:30Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>If it's never our fault, we can't take responsibility for it. If we can't take responsibility for it, we'll always be its victim.
- Richard Bach, AuthorStaff2010-05-13T07:59:30ZOne Day You're Here...the Next Day You're NotStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/One-Day-Youre-Here...the-Next-Day-Youre-Not/727.html2010-05-13T07:59:29Z2010-05-13T07:59:29Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Ever notice that after you hurt a finger or toe, it becomes the
only
place you keep hitting against something? Weird, huh? Well, the same odd thing is happening to me about my new book,
"Stop Whining Start Living."
It seems that wherever I turn, something relevant to the main concepts of responsibility, choices, courage, endurance, and character just keeps popping up.I received an email from a twenty-four-year-old woman who is new to my radio program and my books. She has had a tough time since the age of eleven, due to a father with a severe borderline personality disorder and a mother who simply pretended everything was fine.But everything was not fine. The young woman did about everything she could to get their attention and/or punish them for the abuse and neglect: anorexia, abusive relationships and go-nowhere jobs.Ironically, her mother finally gave her a copy of my books,
"Bad Childhood Good Life"
and
"The Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives."
I remember telling parents that the way they could make up for their mistakes with their children was to give them the former book with enthusiasm, humility, and optimism.Well, it worked. The more this young woman read, the more she wanted to explore herself, and the more she did that, the more she began to enjoy life. It was at this point that this very young woman came up with amazing insights:
"In what seemed like the blink of an eye, I resolved to begin taking care of myself and (this is a doozy for me) showing love to others."
"I am happy to say that once I started taking responsibility for myself, I became happy for the first time in my whole life!"
"I can choose whether I want to have a good day or a bad day...just like that!."
"I get to renew my promise to myself that if I get the chance to have one more day on the planet, I'm going to damn well use it for something great."
....and last but not least:
"I've been through enough crap to not take life for granted."
What impresses me about this young woman the most is her enthusiasm. She gave up the ugly, but comfortable "known" (self-destructive and parentally punitive) behaviors for life-affirming, exciting, but "unknown" - and that takes guts. I so admire guts!My favorite of her phrases is
"I get to renew my promise to myself that if I get the chance to have one more day on the planet, I'm going to damn well use it for something great!"
Just today, my yoga instructor (who is my friend) told me her fifty-seven year old cousin, whom she had just seen during Easter, died precipitously of a tear in his aorta. They tried to save him, but he had so many immediate complications that he didn't survive. Just like that. One day you're here...the next day you're not.Let me repeat that:one day you're here...the next day you're not. One day your parents, children, the love of your life, a good friend is here...the next day they're not. So - my advice is STOP WHINING about the stuff that ultimately doesn't matter and START LIVING each day as if it is your only opportunity to bring something beautiful into this world.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:29ZPrivacy Issues for Whom?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Privacy-Issues-for-Whom/728.html2010-05-13T07:59:28Z2010-05-13T07:59:28Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I'm amazed at the constipated stupidity of many librarians who believe that privacy issues are more important than national security or the protection of children or the support of laws against child pornography. Blame it on the extremist positions of the American Library Association, which I have long viewed as a family and values unfriendly bully group.Case in point: a recent news report of a librarian who called the police because a fellow was a repeat offender in the library, downloading kiddie porn - a Federal offense. The first time it happened, the news report tells us that the supervisor told this librarian not to report it. When she saw him a second time, she called the police. This heroine was fired. Why? Privacy issues! What?? There is no presumption of privacy in a PUBLIC library - especially when one is breaking a Federal law.All of which makes it even more weird that Sprint Nextel Corporation has signed up hundreds of thousands of customers for a feature that shows them where their friends are with colored marks on a map viewable on their cellphone screens. Basically, people would know, all day long, exactly where you are...right down to a restroom or a street corner.All the folks who use the social-networking websites don't seem to mind losing their privacy. So when a librarian protects the children in the library by ridding it of a prospective child molester - who is the bad guy and who is worried about what privacy?Staff2010-05-13T07:59:28ZChoosing LifeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Choosing-Life/729.html2010-05-13T07:59:27Z2010-05-13T07:59:27Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I want to share with you a letter I got from a woman who listens to my radio program:
Two weeks ago, I was diagnosed with a serious, progressive, degenerative disease, which will eventually end in a torturous death. That's the bad news. Now for the great news.
I believe this may be the best gift I could have been given. Thanks to you and just the title of your book,
"Stop Whining, Start Living,"
I realize I have received knowledge most people never get-that is, that this
is
my best day. I will never feel better, so I CHOOSE to live it thoroughly, and wring out every last drop of love, laughter and giving that I can. Tomorrow, I will CHOOSE to do the same.
You can't imagine how energizing this is, to know that each day
is
the best day of your life.
There is an old Rabinnic story lesson that Satan's most potent weapon is to let humans believe they have "all the time in the world." That's because when we feel that time is limitless, we tend to put less value in each moment...in each day. When we don't value the moment, we don't tend to make the best, most noble decisions, and instead, follow our impulses - thereby making our souls more "available" to Satan, as the story goes.When I received this letter, I was truly and deeply impacted. I wondered at first, as I suspect most of you would too, if I could dig that deep into myself to pull out that perspective and live it. I then realized that this woman's thoughts would be in my head for the rest of my life, and would inspire and guide me if I have to face imminent and painful mortality. My final reaction, with a slap against my own forehead, is that we need to live each day with her mentality.She isn't ignoring or denying her disastrous fate. She is CHOOSING to live each day in order to make it the best she'll ever have. In her case, it's literally true. For you and me, it is figuratively true, and therefore, wholly dependent upon our choice of mood and behaviors.Her letter is at the philosophical center of my book,
"Stop Whining, Start Living."
It humbles me to be reminded of my own words by people who are struggling more than I. I am reminded of the values I hold most dear, and which help me survive the nonsense and villainy that tempt every day's despair. Purpose is the antidote to despair. And teachers need to be reminded of that, too.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:27ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/730.html2010-05-13T07:59:26Z2010-05-13T07:59:26Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>"Joy is the most infallible sign of the presence of God."
Pierre Teilhard de Chardin French philosopherStaff2010-05-13T07:59:26ZHelping Military FamiliesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Helping-Military-Families/731.html2010-05-13T07:59:26Z2010-05-13T07:59:26Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I work very closely with Operation Family Fund, a non-profit organization that helps the families of military and civilian personnel injured or killed in the global war on terrorism. But there are families of deployed service members who haven't been injured or killed who also need support - they may be feeling lonely or just are just having a hard time dealing with the deployment of their loved ones.Army Community Services (ACS) is a great starting point for any new military spouse. They assist with everything from the transition into military life to community outreach, job placement, relocation, and financial planning.Their website:
https://www.myarmylifetoo.com/skins/malt/home.aspx?mode=user
gives all the information you need for yourself or someone else struggling with the deployment of a family member.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:26ZCollege GossipStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/College-Gossip/732.html2010-05-13T07:59:24Z2010-05-13T07:59:24Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The Associated Press published a report on the New Jersey prosecutors who have subpoenaed records of JuicyCampus.com, a website that publishes anonymous, often malicious, gossip about college students. For example, the Princeton University (yeah, the Ivy League school) site produces information such as "the most overrated Princeton student" with the commentary mostly filled with name-calling and slurs against homosexuals and Jews.The New Jersey Attorney General suggests that JuicyCampus may be violating the state's Consumer Fraud Act by implying that it doesn't allow offensive material, but then providing no enforcement of that rule, and no way for users to report or dispute the material.This site has recently expanded to more than 50 colleges, including Pepperdine University in California, whose student government voted overwhelmingly to request a ban on the site, although the university has a policy against censoring websites. The founder of JuicyCampus, Matt Ivester, seemingly is unconcerned about the backlash.
"Like anything that is even remotely controversial, there are always people who demand censorship,"
he told the AP.It is typically disgusting of such types to invoke censorship issues when the true point is accountability and responsibility - concepts that have become four-letter words in American society. This site, as abominable as it obviously is, is no different from the millions of blogger sites that already exist, full of hate, vitriol, lies, distortions and character assassinations all for the purpose of self-exaltation, power, meanness, and downright evil. Our children obviously have learned all too well from the blogosphere and the general media. Just the other day, I communicated with a "formerly esteemed" journalism professor (now retired), to question him on a piece he did about me and my "position" on marital infidelity. He actually admitted that he did not vet the comments that were repeated and repeated all over the web; he admitted that he did not read the entire transcripts of my interviews; he admitted that he did not view the video on his own. Can you imagine? It's like the feathers released from a pillow on a breezy hill - all of them can never be reclaimed.I predicted that the Internet would further deplete what was left of the dignity of human discourse, as the basest of attitudes and impulses would be set free. Any suggestion of the benefits of self-control, accountability, truth or fairness are countered with screams of "censorship!" Defamation, libel, and slander against others are no longer seen as a line crossed, but as an opportunity for fame and money.
"It is not possible for anyone to use this website to find out who you are or where you're located,"
assures a JuicyCampus privacy page.
"We do not track any information that can be used by us to identify you."
Cowards and evil-doers use these opportunities to spread their traditional ideas and hate as they hide behind "protection," while those they hurt have no protection at all.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:24ZRestaurants "Hurt" by Stay-At-Home MomsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Restaurants-Hurt-by-Stay-At-Home-Moms/733.html2010-05-13T07:59:23Z2010-05-13T07:59:23Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>According to the Wall Street Journal (March 14, 2008) restaurant owners have identified a "worrisome" long-term trend:
"The number of harried working moms isn't growing the way it was."
What?? This is a worrisome trend for marriages and children? I think not! Instead, this is a worrisome trend for businesses built on the virtual dissolution of family bonding and togetherness.Since the percentage of women in the work force has been dropping, the result is less money in the family budget for eating out. Fatty, salt-laden, hyper-caloric, oversized meals will have to go by the wayside for warm, home-cooked meals filling the home with luscious aromas and bringing a family together around their own kitchen table.Ahh....not to worry! Restaurants are coming up with ideas to undermine all that syrupy "homey" stuff: offering children's books, Etch-A-Sketch toys and handheld video games to appeal to children who might drag in their parents; and also coming up with ideas of pre-cooked meals moms can buy at the grocery.There is always hope that the disgusting new television program, "The Secret Life of A Soccer Mom" will simply succeed in seducing moms and wives away from their families to go back into some "dream" job.....Staff2010-05-13T07:59:23ZPersonal Responsibility, Part 2Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Personal-Responsibility,-Part-2/734.html2010-05-13T07:59:23Z2010-05-13T07:59:23Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I get letters.....
I was listening to your radio program today, and heard the call from the man whose daughter was receiving support from the government because she was an unwed mother whose convict boyfriend wouldn't get a job. You were frustrated that your taxes were helping to support her bad decisions (especially since she was living with her parents!).
I, too, share your frustration. I am a 29-year old married woman who is going to have her first child in 6 months. My husband and I each struggled to put ourselves through college, have both held jobs since our mid-teens, waited to get married until we could afford to, and have saved my entire income since we got married so we could afford to me to quit my job once we got pregnant.
We have worked very hard to make all of these goals possible. Once we are living solely on his income, it will continue to be a struggle for us to make ends meet. We will have to stick to a tight budget that doesn't include toys or even cell phones. This is why I am disgusted at the way our government doles out money to enable less conscientious Americans (or illegal non-Americans) to live irresponsible lives. I run into people all the time who are benefiting from this injustice. There is a woman in my church who got pregnant out of wedlock and subsequent to her marriage has had five children (none of which she could afford) with a husband she just kicked out of her home. She has been going to school for the past several years (paid for entirely by the government), and Is living in government housing paid for mostly by the government.
No one I know looks on this as a problem, because she has such a "hard life." Her life, however, is a result of the poor choices she has made, and I resent having to pay for those choices. If our government continues along this track, we will have more and more people taking advantage of the "free handouts," and fewer and fewer of us who are paying for those handouts. We will bankrupt not only our economy, but also our souls, because we are not teaching the next generation to take personal responsibility for their choices.
I'm keeping the name of my correspondent private in order to protect her and her family from irresponsible backlashing.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:23ZOne in Four Teenage Girls Has an STDStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/One-in-Four-Teenage-Girls-Has-an-STD/735.html2010-05-13T07:59:22Z2010-05-13T07:59:22Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The results of the first national study to measure the most common sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) found in young women were released recently by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.According to the report, 3.2 million teenage girls between the ages of 14 and 19 were found to have the human papillovirus (HPV), chlamydia, genital herpes or trichomoniasis. The study did not determine the number of girls who had HIV/AIDS, syphilis or gonorrhea.I don't know what qualifies as an epidemic here, but clearly, these numbers represent a crisis of monstrous proportions. Responsible adults forming public should be figuring out how we can reverse the direction of these horrifying statistics. The wholesale distribution of condoms and consensual counseling at the high school level has not dampened the levels of risky behavior among the nation's teens. Sex education has apparently been successful at teaching our children how to do it...often, and clearly,
not
safely.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:22ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/736.html2010-05-13T07:59:21Z2010-05-13T07:59:21Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>"In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility."
Eleanor Roosevelt Diplomat, Humanitarian, and First LadyStaff2010-05-13T07:59:21ZYour Tax Dollars Are At Work....Buying ContraceptivesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Your-Tax-Dollars-Are-At-Work....Buying-Contraceptives/737.html2010-05-13T07:59:20Z2010-05-13T07:59:20Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Legend has it that one of the top commercial theatre producers on Broadway once joked: "There's no profit like non-profit." Taking a page out of what could easily be a Tony Award-winning script, the Los Angeles Times has reported that the former Vice President for Finance and Administration for [Un]Planned Parenthood's Los Angeles affiliate has filed a whistleblower lawsuit, alleging that various [Un]Planned Parenthood affiliates overcharged California and the federal government by at least $180 million from the late 1990's through 2004.What was the alleged scam? The Family Research Council reports that California [Un]Planned Parenthood affiliates would purchase oral contraceptives at a special discount price offered only to non-profit organizations, and then bill California's Medi-Cal program for "up to
twelve times as much as they paid
."According to an article in the Los Angeles Times (3/8/08): "A 2004 state audit of Planned Parenthood of San Diego and Riverside Counties - one of nine affiliates statewide...identified more than $5.2 million in overbillings just during the 2003 fiscal year."To make matters more unbelievable, in 2004, [Un]Planned Parenthood complained that a lower reimbursement rate could imperil its survival (God forbid!) and lobbied Sacramento, the California state capital, to get a law passed allowing it to continue to bill at the same usurious rates!Just for a chuckle, I decided to take a look at tax returns (Form 990's) for the Los Angeles chapter for the past three years to see what impact this new law has had. According to the 2005 and 2006 Form 990s, the Los Angeles chapter has had $53 million in revenue and $12.5 million in surplus ("non-profit speak" for
profit!
) That's a 24% profit - I mean "surplus" - margin! Holy moly!Where is the media outrage over this story? Leave aside the policy debate which has been effectively stifled by the anti-life forces and has allowed [Un]Planned Parenthood's personal agenda to become de facto public policy. How dare our lawmakers ratify and institutionalize the price-gouging and the pickpocketing of California taxpayers! According to the Times the lawsuit was filed "under seal" in 2005,
after
the state legislators apparently had ratified and sanctified the alleged misbehavior of the past. At the very least, [Un]Planned Parenthood's non-profit status should be seriously reviewed, based on their clear record of turning dimes into dollars.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:20ZA Hero in WaitingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-Hero-in-Waiting/738.html2010-05-13T07:59:20Z2010-05-13T07:59:20Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Shawn Sage must be one incredible young man. The 17-year old California high school student, who has been raised in the foster home system of Los Angeles, decided last fall that he wanted to join the Marines at the end of his senior year.Unfortunately, Los Angeles Superior Children's Court Commissioner refused to let him do early enlistment and earn a $10,000 signing bonus. Why? Because young Mr. Sage is a foster child under the age of 18, and the judge in the case is a foster care administrative judge who opposes the war.But that did not stop our young hero. The resourceful young man heard about the State Assembly's "Write A Bill Challenge" contest. He entered it with a proposed law that would allow foster parents to give consent. Kudos to the Assemblyman who introduced the legislation. And when Mr. Sage turns 18 in June, he says he will still be joining the Marines, but this time as an adult who needs no consent.As a winner of the contest, Shawn Sage gets to fly to Sacramento to testify before the Assembly. In true "Semper Fi" fashion, he says:
"I didn't do it for the signing bonus, because I'm a motivated kid. I am hoping to join the military before I graduate. I want to serve my country."
Three cheers for a hero in waiting.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:20ZIs "Personal Responsibility" a Four-Letter Word?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Is-Personal-Responsibility-a-Four-Letter-Word/739.html2010-05-13T07:59:18Z2010-05-13T07:59:18Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>My, my, my. My comments last week on why many men stray from their marriage vows generated more email to me than any one thing I've said in years. 85% of the letters I received were wonderfully appreciative and supportive of what I said. Men and women alike "got" what I was saying and acknowledged the need for husbands and wives to share the responsibility for the health of their marriages. One wrote
"After seeing you on The Today Show, I asked myself, 'Am I the kind of wife my husband wants to come home to?' I look at each day as an opportunity to honor him. Thank you for challenging me to have the courage to change. My husband will never go a day without knowing his wife needs, loves and respects him."
Another person emailed me because my comments motivated her to look at her own issues with the overall concept of personal responsibility. This young woman wrote that she was motivated by my comments to stop her methamphetamine addiction:
"I have chosen to quit. Once you stop feeling like such a victim to some inanimate object (the pipe does not jump into your mouth on its own) you realize your power over it."
Other folks, though, seemed absolutely apoplectic over my point of view that people need to take responsibility for their lives and their relationships. Clearly this is the crux of the problem in this country. The concept of promoting personal responsibility in a society that encourages victims to stay victims and glamorizes the bad behavior of celebrities and politicians seems to be a hot button that makes some folks' heads explode. People tend to hold on to their anger, hurt and depression, especially if they don't have the tools they need to break out of the cycle of personal self-destruction.That's why I wrote
Stop Whining, Start Living
. I wrote it because I wanted to help people enjoy their lives more and be more content inside themselves. None of us can do that if we persist in the self-defeating notion that we are victims... that only leads to complaining and not LIVING.This book is not for people who want to embrace their problems - it's for people who want to solve them and move on to a more productive and happy life. If you want to feel more in control of your situations in families, neighborhoods, jobs, etc., then you first have to look inside yourself and see what YOU are doing that you shouldn't be... or what you are NOT doing that you should be! This is where the power to change everything comes in.Some people won't ever do this. They hold on to sadness, victimhood and complaints. But those who read
Stop Whining
with an open heart and mind will find the keys - through other people's real experiences and stories - to make their life easier and more pleasurable; to improve their lives as husbands, wives, parents, and friends, and to discover the joy of being an evolved human being.Getting letters and calls from people who have taken my advice to stop whining and turn themselves into productive members of society is all the inspiration I need to keep on keeping on. That's what puts the smile on my face.
Book signing tonight in Costa Mesa, California:
And if you want to see me really smile and you live in L.A. or Orange County, come on down tonight to the Barnes and Noble at the Metro Pointe Mall in Costa Mesa at 7pm. I'll be signing copies of the aforementioned new book,
Stop Whining, Start Living
for all of you who embrace your own personal responsibility.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:18ZVermont Considers Lowering the Drinking AgeStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Vermont-Considers-Lowering-the-Drinking-Age/740.html2010-05-13T07:59:17Z2010-05-13T07:59:17Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Recently, a committee of the Vermont State Senate approved Democratic Senator Hinda Miller's bill to have a task force weigh the pros and cons of lowering the legal age of drinking, back to 18. The logic behind this is similar to the concept of having your underage kids have sex in your home. Parents think that "they're going to do it anyway, so we might as well make it comfortable and convenient for them!"On the other side, Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) calls this "folly to even consider." They say that the higher age limit has saved thousands of lives since the National Minimum Drinking Age Act was passed in 1984. The act required states to raise the drinking age to 21 or risk losing federal transportation funding.Vermont voted to raise the age in 1985, and, according to the Vermont State Police, there's been a 40 percent decrease in alcohol-related fatalities in the last 20 years. Vermont stands to lose about $17 million per year in highway funding if they flout the Feds and lower the drinking age.
"The facts speak for themselves,"
said William Goggins, Director of Education and Enforcement for the state Liquor Control Board.
"To me, saving lives is the grandest argument of all."
Obviously, this argument is not good enough for some Democrats in Vermont.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:17ZNanny-Cam HorrorsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Nanny-Cam-Horrors/741.html2010-05-13T07:59:16Z2010-05-13T07:59:16Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>It's been all over the news. A "nanny-cam" in the home of two twin preemies showed the nanny handling the children like trash bags. I mean, if you know it's going to be shown on Nancy Grace's television program, it has to be bad!The single most important issue, however, was never addressed. Where were their parents? These delicate babies were in the hands of hired help and not their own parents. Nowhere in the news pieces did anyone suggest that these parents had to work or risk being homeless. Quite the contrary.There are babies who have been forgotten, neglected, and abused in day-care centers. Now, nannies are doing the same in the parents' home. Parents themselves are forgetting their own children in cars, which literally causes the children to be poached to death. When will the tide turn back to parents making their children their number one priority, and moving their dual careers or owning "things" to a lower spot on their list? Until then, more horrifying stories are sure to come.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:16ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/742.html2010-05-13T07:59:16Z2010-05-13T07:59:16Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>May your blessings outnumberThe shamrocks that grow,And may trouble avoid youWherever you go. -- Irish blessingHappy St. Patrick's Day!Staff2010-05-13T07:59:16ZGo To The Videotape!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Go-To-The-Videotape!/743.html2010-05-13T07:59:14Z2010-05-13T07:59:14Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>About two months ago, my publisher, Harper Collins, called me up to tell me that The Today Show wanted to interview me in the 8AM hour on Tuesday, March 11, the day that my new book,
Stop Whining, Start Living
was going to be published. I said, "Great!"Last week, I did the "pre-interview" with one of their producers, and they called me back to say they wanted to have my interview go for two segments. I said "Even better!"Then, at 4PM on Monday, March 10, they called up and asked if I would also participate in a "panel" segment entitled "Why Men Cheat." I went "uh oh."I hate doing panels. I hate all the talking heads shouting over each other. And I feared they would end up asking about tabloid gossip and not the real topic, but they reaffirmed that they really wanted to hear my opinion about "Why Men Cheat."So, silly me, on I went. Meredith Vieira asked the three panelists, "Why do men cheat?" Panelist #1 said that the legacy of promiscuous cavemen has created an evolutionary tendency toward infidelity among today's men. Hmmm.Panelist #2 said something to the effect that men often cheat because they are missing something physically, mentally or emotionally in their relationship with someone. Who might be responsible for this missing "something" was not specifically mentioned. Hmm....could it be the wife? The boss? Co-workers?So Panelist #3 (that's me) responded:
"Men need validation. When they come into the world they are born of women and getting their validation from mommy is the beginning of needing it from a woman. And when the wife does not focus in on the needs and the feelings, sexually, personally to make him feel like a man, to make him feel like a success, to make him feel like a hero, he's very susceptible to the charms of some other woman making him feel what he needs. And these days women don't spend a lot of time thinking about how they can give a man what they need."
Maybe I should have had a sign around my neck that said I was not talking specifically about the governor of New York's current alleged problems with money transfers and a $5,000 an hour call-girl ring. Certainly a man who won the governorship of the second largest state in the nation does not sound like a man who needs validation to feel like a success. I was answering the question asked: "Why do men cheat?"Suddenly, the topic WAS about the New York governor. To my utter amazement, Panelist #1 proclaimed that the New York governor's high cheekbones and protuberant eyebrows indicated high levels of testosterone which would be a strong indicator of infidelity.Panelist #2 said that, speaking of testosterone, highly testosteroned people tend not to worry as much about the consequences of the risks they take. (I guess that explains the use of steroids in baseball).Ms. Vieira then asked why a man of such power as the New York governor would risk everything to carry on a tawdry relationship. Note: This was the first time that Ms. Vieira referred to the governor in any way in the entire segment. Panelist #3 (that's me!) responded:
"When a person is in a high position of power, especially a man, there is a sense of entitlement and a sense of being...above the law because of the importance of what they do - because of the importance of who they are."
Since that fleeting moment, I have been accused of the most heinous of crimes (apparently far worse than the foibles of politicians and celebrities): giving my opinion and advice. According to The New York Times, Meredith Vieira was "aghast" at my comments. In the 10 am hour, Ann Curry tried to take me to task for "things that were said about the governor." Wrong! And finally the renowned News Team at The Huffington Post proclaimed "Dr. Laura Blames Spitzer's Wife".In three segments over 2 hours I never made a comment about the Governor's wife. And my only direct comment about the Governor was that powerful men sometimes feel an unwarranted sense of entitlement. I answered the question they asked, not the question I've been accused of answering.Now here's the good news. Thank goodness I had bought a new outfit for the program, and I was feeling pretty good yesterday morning, or else I might have gotten a little ticked off that my words were so ludicrously taken out of context.If you don't believe me, feel free to go to the videotape (
click here
). And don't whine for me. I'm having a great time in New York - good friends, good restaurants, and almost-Spring weather.On a more serious note: The stories that we see on the news and the Internet 24/7 indicate an epidemic of dysfunctionality in America in the relationships of the powerful, talented, and merely famous. The sad part is it is only the tip of the iceberg in our society. And sadder still is knowing that so many children are being hurt by these problems.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:14ZWhat Makes A Hero?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-Makes-A-Hero/744.html2010-05-13T07:59:13Z2010-05-13T07:59:13Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Two weeks ago, Sgt. Wayne Leyde won $1 million from a scratch-and-win lotto ticket. ABC News reported that he was driving near his home in Mead, Washington when he stopped at a store by the side of the road and bought a ticket, a Coke, and beef jerky. Using a penny lent to him by the store clerk to scratch his card, he discovered his winnings.As a 26 year old member of the Washington National Guard who has completed two tours in Iraq, the obvious question was: "Whaddya gonna do now?" His answer was: "It was a commitment I made...and I'm going to stick to it." He plans to return to Iraq to service with his band of brothers.
"For right now, I'm going to hold off [spending] and let reality sink back to earth. This is a true blessing. I'm going to turn it around and see if I can bless other people with this,"
Leyde said.A parent emailed me just the other day to tell me what her six year old said in response to overhearing her talking to her husband about how little the military is paid for their extraordinary service. The child piped up with,
"They don't get paid, because you can't
pay
people to be heroes. They just are."
Meet Sgt. Wayne Leyde: an American hero.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:13ZWorse Than "Unacceptable"Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Worse-Than-Unacceptable/745.html2010-05-13T07:59:12Z2010-05-13T07:59:12Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The Thursday morning press conference with Senator John McCain started with him stating that the attack on the military recruiting station in Times Square was "unacceptable." I hear many leaders and spokespersons use that relatively limp term, "unacceptable," and I'm sick of it. At least President George W. Bush has called 9/11 types and actions for what they are: evil!There are churchgoers in Kansas who go all over the country attempting to disrupt funerals of our fallen military with disgusting signs that suggest that these children of America died because there are homosexuals among us. There are cities like Berkeley, that spend their time changing local laws to allow protestors to interfere with local military recruiting stations, followed up by "You are not welcome" notices. If all those who volunteered honorably and bravely for our military decided all those folks were right, and then laid down their weapons and came home, then what? Who would protect us against an imminent invasion by Venezuela? North Korea? Russia? China? The world-wide Muslim jihad? Would the Kansas churchgoers protect us? The city council of Berkeley?I have two magnetized bumper stickers on my car. Both are yellow ribbons. One says "Protect our son," and the other just says "Army." At the mall this past weekend, both were ripped in half and dumped on the roof of my car. My deepest regret is that these people did not wait around to destroy my symbols of respect and motherly concern for all the troops, including my son in combat in Afghanistan, while I was there. Trust me, just saying limply, "That is unacceptable" would not have been the action I'd have taken.I feel sorry for all of those whose military-age sons and daughters have not volunteered for military service, but instead hook up and smoke dope in most of our quite liberal colleges and universities instead of learning the values of life and death, honor, sacrifice, courage, brother/sisterhood, and compassion.To whomever defaced my representations of support for America's finest, I have this to say to you: in spite of your disgusting, ignorant, cowardly self, my son and his band of brothers would still protect you.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:12ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/746.html2010-05-13T07:59:11Z2010-05-13T07:59:11Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Good, honest, hardheaded character is a function of the home. If the proper seed is sown there and properly nourished for a few years, it will not be easy for that plant to be uprooted.
-- George A. Dorsey, anthropologistStaff2010-05-13T07:59:11ZDo Teens Yearn for Internet Seduction?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Do-Teens-Yearn-for-Internet-Seduction/747.html2010-05-13T07:59:10Z2010-05-13T07:59:10Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Reuters' Julie Steenhuysen wrote a
news essay
recently which was a real shocker. She quoted Janis Wolak of the Crimes Against Children Research Center at the University of New Hampshire in Durham:
A lot of the characterizations that you see in Internet safety information suggest that sex offenders are targeting very young children and using violence and deception against their victims....
Especially since social networking sites became popular, people are suggesting that these offenders are using information to stalk and abduct their victims. We are not seeing those types of cases. The great majority of cases we have seen involved young teenagers, mostly 13, 14, 15 year old girls who are targeted by adults on the Internet who are straightforward about being interested in sex.
From the perspective of the victim, these are romances.
Among the study's other findings:* Internet offenders pretended to be teenagers in only 5% of the crimes studied.* Nearly 75% of victims who met offenders did so more than once.* Youths at risk have "buddy lists" including strangers, and they discuss sex online with strangers.* Boys who are gay or questioning their sexuality are more susceptible to Internet-initiated sex crimes than other populations, resulting in 15% of criminal cases.Other than religious institutions, there is virtually nothing in our society that elevates sexuality to a spiritual status. This is the result of a society which takes kids out of school (without parental notification) for abortions; which has peer sex classes showing how to put condoms on bananas; which has "sex fairs" at major colleges and universities; which has porn as mainstream, primetime television and advertising; which has practically naked models in store windows for Abercrombie & Fitch and Victoria's Secret; which has families repeatedly torn apart by busy, "two parent career" homes, divorce, re-marriage, shack-ups, and other adult misbehaviors that emotionally devastate children who look elsewhere for love and comfort. What is normalized is yearned for by children who want to be "adults."Staff2010-05-13T07:59:10ZPassing the Trash, Part 2Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Passing-the-Trash,-Part-2/748.html2010-05-13T07:59:09Z2010-05-13T07:59:09Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Last Thursday, I posted a blog about "passing the trash," a practice known within the educational system in which teachers who've allegedly engaged in sexual misconduct with a student resign and leave their school districts in exchange for confidentiality about their behavior. I received many comments about that story, but this is one I want to share with you. I've kept the writer's name confidential:
Dr. Laura, as a former administrator of a small school district, let me tell you who the real villains are in these cases. No school administration will admit it, but it's the teacher's union. It's like going up against the mob, to come against one of their members. And they don't care if their member is guilty or not. They will use every tactic in the book to intimidate you into dropping your complaint. Any time an administration tries to discipline teachers or even look into a complaint, the union is there fighting the administration. They file lawsuits and nit pick at your procedures. The teachers have free counsel and unlimited representation, covered by their dues. Just to inquire into a complaint, the school [incurs] a great deal of cost, precious money that has to be taken from some other program or someone else's pocket.
These types of complaints are the duty of the school board, and school boards are made up of volunteers - they don't get paid, but they can get sued, and must defend themselves with their own money. It is a fight to correct an untenured teacher, and in fact, there is no way to fire or discipline a tenured one.
We had a horrid teacher (and many complaints), and we tried everything under the sun to get him away from kids. He had his ego stroked by being mean to kids. We tried to pay him off and offer him early retirement, but he wouldn't go. We were a small district with limited funds. Eventually, the school had to close, and the man finally lost his job. And no one around would hire him. Our teacher was not a molester, but he was a "demeaner" - he enjoyed insulting kids.
Although I do not agree with what these schools have done, I am not surprised. If you have no proof that would hold up in court and kids who don't want to officially testify, but you know in your heart that this person has done these things, the teacher's union will spread [the word] that your school district is being very unfair to the teachers, and...will turn the hearing into a circus. As parents and board members, you will do whatever it takes to get them out of your school - and hopefully, away from kids.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:09ZDiscarded Babies?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Discarded-Babies/749.html2010-05-13T07:59:08Z2010-05-13T07:59:08Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The Boston Herald (February 25)
reported
that, in 2007, a record number of newborn babies were given up by their parents (in reality, probably just the mother) under Massachusetts' Baby Safe Haven program.The law came to pass after state Representative Barry R. Finegold (D-Andover) proposed the bill, which would allow a parent to legally surrender a baby, aged 7 days or less, at a hospital, police station, or manned fire station without facing criminal prosecution. In other words, under certain conditions, Massachusetts legalized child abandonment.Honestly, I cannot understand the critics of this law. They argue that the law creates an "easy out" for reluctant mothers. Darn straight! The fact is that these girls and women didn't legally kill the baby in their bodies, nor did they abandon them in a dumpster or toilet. They knew that they couldn't raise a child and had an option which contributed to the well-being of that child and the adoptive family.Another criticism is that this strips children of their heritage. Are you kidding? Since when does one's place on a genetic family tree trump a loving home environment? They also say that this law promotes irresponsibility. What?? What is more responsible than giving a child over to people who will arrange for the child to be loved and nurtured, when they know they cannot?The Department of Social Services, which oversees the Safe Haven program reports that the Baby Safe Haven hotline has helped thirty women to get into a parenting or adoption plan. They also said that "parents give up their babies for various reasons, including post-partum psychosis, emotional immaturity, and social isolation." Whatever the reasons, the woman is still making a conscious choice to "save" her baby from her own emotional and social problems. I say these women are heroes.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:08ZIvy League "Porn" ClassesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Ivy-League-Porn-Classes/750.html2010-05-13T07:59:07Z2010-05-13T07:59:07Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Once Mom and Dad have covered the $45,000 for room, board and tuition at Yale University, the students get to compete free to win a porn-star "look-alike" contest as part of the school's "Sex Week," which also includes learning and using various sex toy gadgets and tips on making your dorm room a college love pad.The rationale, as we've often heard before, is that they're probably gonna "do it" anyway, and this way, they'll have information on how to do it properly. You mean there's a "proper" way to hook up? Oh, yeah, use a condom for your genitals. But what do you do for your soul and psyche after
mis
using your sexuality so frivolously?Let's hear it for the reputation of "Yalies" who come to school to become leaders. There are those at Yale who are not so amused:
"Call me a curmudgeon, but I find that my daily ritual of waking up with a cup of coffee, a cigarette, and a copy of the Yale Daily News is a little less pleasant when a smiling freshman holding a" [sexual aid too graphic to mention] "is staring back at me from the front page..."
-- Blogger Will Wilson wrote on the Yale Free Press blog. (
FoxNews.com, 2/15/08
).Seems that Yale is just trying to keep up with the other "party" schools.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:07ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/751.html2010-05-13T07:59:06Z2010-05-13T07:59:06Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>"The family is one of nature's masterpieces." -- George Santayana,
The Life of ReasonStaff2010-05-13T07:59:06ZTeachers who Molest - Shh...Wink, WinkStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Teachers-who-Molest---Shh...Wink,-Wink/752.html2010-05-13T07:59:05Z2010-05-13T07:59:05Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Brace yourselves for this one:
The Oregonian
on February 18 exposed a demonic deal made in 2004 between the Salem-Keizer Public Schools and a teacher. Here's the deal: if the teacher resigned, they would conceal his alleged conduct (touching and grabbing butts) from the public. Moreover, they promised not to reveal the teacher's behavior if potential employers called looking for a reference. They would attribute his departure to personal reasons and make no reference to the agreement.
The Oregonian
confirmed 47 similar confidential settlement agreements.
"During the past five years, nearly half of Oregon teachers disciplined for sexual misconduct with a child left their school districts with confidential agreements.... Some promised cash settlements, health insurance, and letters of recommendation as incentives for a resignation.
The practice is so widespread, school officials across the country call it 'passing the trash.'"
I think school systems around the country should be examined to ensure this "trash passing" isn't happening in your area. Also, every parent has a moral obligation to every other parent and child to report such abuse to the police - in spite of embarrassment - so that these worms will be forced above ground. And by "worms," I don't just mean the molesters. I mean the administrations that would clean up their yards by dumping trash in another's yard and put unsuspecting children at risk.Disgusting.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:05ZNext Time, Try MarriageStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Next-Time,-Try-Marriage/753.html2010-05-13T07:59:04Z2010-05-13T07:59:04Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Scathing criticism of the lack of maternity care insurance for women in the United States recently appeared in the
Cleveland Plain Dealer
:
"Barely two months into her pregnancy, an ultrasound triggered some alarming news for Meagan Armington. The fetus, thankfully, was fine, but Armington's health insurance was not. To Armington's dismay, the policy she bought from Aetna about three years ago did not provide maternity coverage, forcing the 31 year old single-mom-to-be to pay for the prenatal visits out of pocket. Due to give birth in April, Armington faces labor and delivery costs of at least $7,500."
I know a lot of folks don't want reality to interfere with their completely unfettered personal activities, but the main point of this article should have been that she's not married - and not that the insurance companies are bad guys. The sure-fire method for avoiding financial issues during pregnancy and child-rearing is a marriage. She bought the insurance for her single lifestyle. At thirty-one, you'd think she'd know about birth control, adoption, or marriage. Instead, we have the same nonsense that defends irresponsible behavior and looks for some institution to blame for not coming to the rescue.At best, this is irresponsibility and journalistic nonsense. At worst, this is irresponsibility and journalistic nonsense.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:04ZR Movies In The ClassroomStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/R-Movies-In-The-Classroom/754.html2010-05-13T07:59:03Z2010-05-13T07:59:03Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>One mother in Huntington Beach, California went through
ten
lawyers until she found Brad Dacus of the Pacific Justice Institute (
pacificjustice.org
, a non-profit that advocates for the rights of students and parents) to help her. All the other attorneys suggested she was a "prude" and chastised her about not being up to speed with 2007.Her advocacy prompted the Huntington Beach Union High School District trustees to consider a proposal that would regulate movies in the classroom. The proposal would require teachers to obtain parental permission before showing portions of R-rated movies. The policy essentially discourages the use of R-rated movies in the classroom. Evidently, the Huntington Beach district did not have a written policy. How convenient. Mr. Dacus is quoted in the Orange County Register of January 15, 2008 (
www.ocregister.com/news/movies-kazor-policy-1959439-teachers-school
) as saying:
"The garbage they showed these children...was a very serious breach of parental trust."
The mother said:
"These teachers are supposed to be us when we're not there. They're supposed to be role models. I wanted the opportunity to have the permission sent to me in the form of a permission slip."
Taking up classroom time showing a whole movie seems to me to be a lazy way to approach a teaching job. Recommending a movie to students and then sending a memo home to the parents making that suggestion and explaining its value, seems a more responsible and professional means to what is supposed to be an "educational" aid.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:03ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/755.html2010-05-13T07:59:01Z2010-05-13T07:59:01Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Since today is George Washington's actual birthday, I thought it appropriate to hear from him this week:
Happiness and moral duty are inseparably connected.
- George WashingtonStaff2010-05-13T07:59:01ZFreezing Eggs and Making ChoicesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Freezing-Eggs-and-Making-Choices/756.html2010-05-13T07:59:01Z2010-05-13T07:59:01Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The "Work and Family" section of
The Wall Street Journal
recently had an essay describing why some single women choose to freeze their eggs. Mind you - the essay was about
single
women.Evidently, only 2-4% of frozen eggs once thawed yield live births. Also, it's not yet clear whether babies born from such eggs will face any long-term health problems. So it would seem that many women risk making important life decisions (like staying with a career long in life) based on false assumptions that their fertility is secure.The procedure (which ranges from about $9,000 to $14,000) has been used as a way to preserve fertility for cancer patients facing treatments likely to render them sterile. This is a benevolent use of this budding technology. However, most of the interest seems to come from women delaying marriage and child-bearing because they are ferociously career-oriented and/or can't find or keep a good man. I would like to send them each a copy of my book, "
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
," because it is cheaper and more to the point.These women want to "make a close family" (never mind that there would be no Daddy in this "close" family), or give their parents the "gift" of a grandchild (making a child a present). Nowhere in the article did the notion of a single woman making a baby for herself point out that this may not be in the best interest of the child! I guess that doesn't matter.Staff2010-05-13T07:59:01ZPlanned UNParenthood is Anti-FamilyStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Planned-UNParenthood-is-Anti-Family/757.html2010-05-13T07:59:00Z2010-05-13T07:59:00Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Talk about dangerous and destructive! A Johnson County (Kansas) grand jury is investigating Planned "Un"Parenthood to determine whether the abortion provider complies with Kansas laws on parental notification and the 24-hour waiting period.The grand jury panel has asked for medical records of sixteen women who had abortions in 2003. Planned Parenthood is refusing to turn them over, claiming patient privacy right violations. However, the grand jury wants the following patient information: date of birth, date of last menstruation, dates and times of medical procedures, and notifications and/or consultations with patients. The grand jury is not asking for any patient-identifying information like name, social security number, address, phone numbers or next of kin - they can be eliminated before the information is sent on to them. So much for patient privacy violations.Additionally (according to the
Kansas City Star
), charges allege that Planned Parenthood performed illegal later-term abortions in 2003 and falsified, forged, and failed to maintain related records.The ACLU and Planned Parenthood are also pushing San Diego's school board to end long-standing policies which require parental notification when students are pregnant and contemplating abortion, and parental consent before students leave campus, including trips to abortion clinics. The ACLU and Planned Parenthood are claiming that this violates the privacy rights of students and that the mentality is "antiquated and dangerous." I've had conversations with some of these ACLU and Planned Parenthood types over the years, and it's absolutely scary how paranoid they are about parental involvement in their children's lives. They are thoroughly convinced, it would seem, that parents universally impregnate and/or beat their children, and that only
they
are the grand protectors of children. If that's so, I wonder why Planned Parenthood gets in trouble for not reporting molestations when adult males bring in minor females for abortions? Gets mighty confusing to me.Happily, the Pacific Justice Institute (PJI) sent a letter to the school board, urging them to stand by their parent and family-friendly policies and offered free legal assistance if those policies are challenged in court. PJI President, Brad Dacus stated in the Standard Newswire that
"Contrary to ACLU and Planned Parenthood propaganda, parental responsibility is not antiquated or illegal. It is indispensable to a decent society. We urge the San Diego School Board not to cave in to pressure from radicals who ignore common sense and distort constitutional principles."
PJI's affiliate attorney commented:
"Parents are morally and legally responsible for their minor children, so it is just common sense that they should be aware of their children's whereabouts, particularly if they are being subjected to life-altering medical procedures, such as abortions."Staff2010-05-13T07:59:00ZSeventeen Magazine Responds...Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Seventeen-Magazine-Responds.../758.html2010-05-13T07:58:58Z2010-05-13T07:58:58Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Last week, I posted a blog entitled "Accidental Sex?" in which I commented about an article in Seventeen Magazine entitled "
Shocking Ways You Could Get Pregnant By Accident
." I got an email from a listener who had written to Seventeen to complain about the article. She sent me a copy of their response, or as she said: "let's be sure not to alienate anyone, was their bottom line. Good grief!" Good grief, indeed. I'll let you be the judge. Here's the letter from
Seventeen:
Thank you for your letter. We are very interested in all of your comments, questions and concerns.
Seventeen has a readership of millions of girls, and it is our mission, indeed our obligation, to give these girls information, entertainment and advice they can turn to. As the oldest magazine in existence for teenagers, we also have 60 years of experience in talking to them and finding ways of getting them to listen. We have found that when teens feel they are being lectured, condescended to, or getting nothing but "don'ts," they stop listening.
What we attempt to do in every article is to give teens basic facts and warnings, in an effort to make sure that if they do decide to take a step, like to become sexually active, they are aware of the most likely issues and safety conditions and will at least think twice about what they are doing and try to do it in the most responsible way possible.
We at Seventeen work as best we can to get the right kind of message across without alienating readers. We will continue to try to give our readers advice that works, and to serve them as well as we can.
Thanks again for writing us.
Sincerely,
The EditorsStaff2010-05-13T07:58:58ZMonster KidsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Monster-Kids/759.html2010-05-13T07:58:57Z2010-05-13T07:58:57Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>What's happening (so many people wonder) that is making at least half of kindergartners engage in frequent fighting, aggression, and tantrums? Is it ADD or ADHD or any more letters from the beginning of the alphabet? Yes, it must be...so drug 'em into obedience!Over the last year, we've also seen many reports that pre-schoolers were being thrown out, because of "bad behavior," including an unwillingness to cooperate, to listen to "teachers," and even a tendency to assault other children. Well, we can drug 'em for that, too. Or, how 'bout
yoga
and other forms of meditation? (I personally find that foot massages take off
my
edges!).We have two choices: figure out how to get control of these out-of-control kids, or how not to drive them to distraction in the first place. I vote for "Door #2."A 2006 study in the journal
"Early Childhood Research Quarterly"
demonstrated that day-care children show increases in the stress hormone cortisol throughout the day compared to children at home. A 2007 study, headed by Susanna Loeb, an Associate Professor of Education at Stanford University, found that children who spend more time in child-care centers early in life show more behavior problems in later years, compared with kids who have spent less time away from home and momma, and that the negative effects were greater among children who had entered child-care centers at earlier ages.It takes a momma and a daddy, and a warm, loving home to get a child ready to deal with the unpredictable, unfair, restrictive, and demanding realities of life. Please give them that time with
you
.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:57ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/760.html2010-05-13T07:58:56Z2010-05-13T07:58:56Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A word to the wise...keep your love notes sincere, or you'll end up on the Internet looking like this:
To Mary, the love of my life:There is nothing I would not do to reach your side. I would climb the highest mountain! I would cross the trackless desert! I would swim the widest ocean to be near you, my beloved.
With love and tenderness,
JonathanP.S. See you Saturday night, if it doesn't rain.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:56ZWhose Uterus Is it?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Whose-Uterus-Is-it/761.html2010-05-13T07:58:56Z2010-05-13T07:58:56Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>An essay by Sara Schaefer Munoz in the "Home and Family" section of The Wall Street Journal (February 12, 2008) caught my eye. The essay, entitled
"For Single Moms, Access to Better-Paying Jobs is Key,"
talks about how difficult it is for single mothers to balance work/life issues. First of all, it never distinguishes between widowed, divorced, and never-bothered-to-be-married moms. The issues are quite different: insurance, spousal and child support, his extended family's continual involvement, and so forth. Contrast that to a woman who simply got pregnant by some guy. The latter situation is far different and each of them requires its own newspaper column. They are generally lumped together because of "political correctness" (no judgment and no hurt feelings), and not because the three situations vary widely due to the financial situation and the well-being of the children.The essay did the usual by suggesting available careers and child-care possibilities. It was the "Readers Say" portion that requires a response from me. One reader wrote:
"Maybe if more men took accountability for proper birth control, there would be fewer single mothers working two jobs to make ends meet."
I just can't let this one go. Oh my, are we unfairly picking on the woman?Here's how I see it: it is in the
woman's
body that the miracle of conception, gestation, and ultimate birth of a new human being takes place. It is legally the
woman's
prerogative to kill it or bring it to term. No man has any legal say in the life or death of his child's first nine months of existence. These two facts give the
woman
the overwhelming preponderance of responsibility.There are too many never-married mothers, because women have become more casual about sex (abortion is just another form of birth-control), and more casual about children (they don't really need a daddy). The children pay the price: no dad in the home, and they're in day-care (which I call "day orphanages"), so momma can hopefully find a job.So, to get back to the title of the essay, "better-paying jobs" is not the key. Marriage is.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:56ZLove Speaks When We Can'tStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Love-Speaks-When-We-Cant/762.html2010-05-13T07:58:54Z2010-05-13T07:58:54Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>On Valentine's Day, I thought it was appropriate to share with you this email from Kathi, one of the listeners to my radio program.
My husband and I have been married for 16 years. We have one natural child, a boy, 13, and are caring for five others my mom adopted (my mom is a widow).
At the end of last year, my husband was in a motorcycle accident. He was intubated for three
very long
days, and hospitalized for seven. During his silence, I realized a few things:
1. I knew if he never spoke to me again, he loved me and I knew he knew I loved him.2. I already appreciated him and loved him and cared for him as I should.3. The reason he was such a wonderful husband was because I treated him as I should and, in return, have always felt and been very loved.
As he lay in the hospital bed and couldn't speak to me, I realized how much I missed the text messages and the two or three phone calls a day I would get from him, the tap on my rear when I was cooking and he came into the kitchen, and him standing at the door when he comes home every day and we give each other a kiss. I just wanted to hear him say "I love you," and when he did it, it was more precious than the day we married.
I was there every day, of course, and would cry each night when I had to leave him. I was able to bring him home two days before Thanksgiving, and then continued to care for him for eight more weeks. I told everyone I was having an 8 week-long vacation with my best friend. I would take him to doctor visits and to physical therapy. One of the therapists couldn't believe I had such a positive attitude, and had such a loving environment in my home. She had expected to see an exhausted woman and an unclean, unshaven "un-helped" man like she usually saw. Instead, I was positive and happy and had helped my husband shower and shave and get dressed like I did each morning since the accident. It seemed the natural thing to do.
In his times of depression, I encouraged him; in his tears, I comforted him, and now I have released him back into the world fully recovered. He frequently gets down on his knees and holds my hands and looks me in the eyes, and says "I love you and I trust you with my life." He often asked me why I did all this for him. I looked at him and told him "because I love you and know you would do it for me."
I have never read one of your books, but have always agreed with you. I guess the beautiful examples of the proper care and feeding of husbands I had in my life taught me all the things you are trying to teach each caller now. I hope I am as good an example to my children. I hope this letter causes someone to appreciate their "best friend" even more. Thank you for all you do.
KathiStaff2010-05-13T07:58:54ZLetter of LoveStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Letter-of-Love/763.html2010-05-13T07:58:53Z2010-05-13T07:58:53Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Listener Leslie wrote:
It's almost Valentine's Day, so I wanted to tell you about my sweet husband. We have been married for over two years, and are now hoping to adopt a baby (you wouldn't believe how long and tedious this process is, but we know it will be worth it!). He has always supported my decision to be a stay-at-home mother, and we've been saving and planning for two years.
Two weeks ago, after a long day at my stressful job, I came home crying. My wonderful husband told me to quit my job, stay home, and relax so that I am 100% ready to be a mother.
Oh, Dr. Laura, what a relief! Tomorrow is my last day at this job, and every morning for the last two weeks, I have made my husband lunch, and my job is now to make our dollars go as far as possible. Every night, he has come home to a happy wife, a hug, an "I love you," and a hot meal. Oh, how he beams!
We may not yet have a baby, but I can already say that my husband is his kid's dad, and I am proud to be his wife.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:53ZAccidental Sex?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Accidental-Sex/764.html2010-05-13T07:58:52Z2010-05-13T07:58:52Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Any woman who has ever been pregnant knows how absurd it is when we hear about some young woman who did not know she was pregnant until the moment at which she is giving birth to a full-term baby. Preposterous, of course. Its more like she's not willing to take responsibility. Well, the February issue of
Seventeen
magazine focuses on "Shocking Ways You Could Get Pregnant By Accident." Huh?The cover piece does mention the option of
not
having sex, and even points out that "studies show that girls who have a big plan for their future are significantly less likely to get pregnant," but the main focus of the magazine article is not about how to avoid sex simply because you feel all tingly and your girlfriends are doing it or the guy tells you that you won't be popular if you don't. It's mainly about accepting that it'll probably happen, so this is how you talk him into a condom or how you take the pill (which, by the way, does not protect against sexually-transmitted diseases)."...sex is a natural, healthy and fun part of loving relationships." That is a fact. What
Seventeen
does not take an entire issue to explain is that every time you feel butterflies or are hot for someone, it isn't love. The issue does not spend page after page extolling the virtues of mature awe, respect, admiration, friendship, trust, etc., which take years to develop and can really only take place once you're a mature adult.Surely
Seventeen
magazine knows that the number one issue for teens is acceptance and fitting in. To be such a formidable influence in the lives of teens and to be so remiss in cheating them out of the blessings of true intimacy - instead, touting the fulfillment of urges as love justifying sex - is a sad, irresponsible, and disgusting misuse of their power.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:52ZStupid Love ScienceStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Stupid-Love-Science/765.html2010-05-13T07:58:51Z2010-05-13T07:58:51Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Philosophers throughout the ages have contemplated and agonized over what causes people to fall in love. Sociologists and psychologists have done the same over what causes people to stay in love. Now neuroscientists are trying to solve both their problems by taking brain scans of folks in love looking for the "cause" of love.The report of their work prepared by the Wall Street Journal (2/8/08) seems to miss the main point. Looking for brain sites of increased activity in people who after many years of marriage still feel fabulously in love, is not likely due to some abnormal hyperactivity in centers associated with affection or pleasure. It is the opposite way around. People who behave consistently in a loving manner constantly stoke the fires of affectionate and passionate love - all which will show up in their brain scans.The couple they "analyzed," the Turners, are described up front:
"Ann Tucker is pushing a shopping cart through the produce section of a supermarket in Plainview, N.Y., when she turns to kiss her husband. The supermarket kiss is a regular ritual for the Tuckers. So are the restaurant kiss and the traffic-light kiss. 'I guess we do kiss a lot,' says Mrs. Tucker...Mrs. Tucker is living happily ever after, and scientists are curious why."
Why? That's easy: she and her husband constantly behave like people in love. Feelings follow behavior and both feed into brain pathways that become "well-worn" through constant activation.So, stop looking for supplements, hormone injections, or implanted brain stimulators, miracles or moonspots. Instead, behave like a man/woman in love and you'll create what you wish for.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:51ZWhere's NOW When You Really Need Them?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Wheres-NOW-When-You-Really-Need-Them/766.html2010-05-13T07:58:50Z2010-05-13T07:58:50Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>According to the Associated Press (
February 1, 2008
), remote-controlled explosives strapped to two mentally retarded women detonated in a coordinated attack on Baghdad pet bazaars on Friday, killing at least 73 people. The women had Down Syndrome. Considering the explosives were detonated by remote control, they probably were completely unaware that they were to be used as human bombs. The attacks were most likely the work of Al-Qaeda in Iraq.Associated Press records show that since the start of the war, at least 151 people have been killed in about 17 attacks by female suicide bombers. Involving women in fighting violates cultural taboos in Iraq, but Al-Qaeda in Iraq is recruiting females to perform suicide attacks because militants are increasingly desperate for volunteers. Women in Iraq wear the long black overgarments called
abayas
, and can avoid searches at checkpoints, because men are not allowed to search them, and there aren't enough female guards. This is an obvious "PC" mistake - this is war, and such proprieties need to be put by the wayside, because people are being murdered.I wish NOW (the National Organization for Women) would spend less time on rants assuring women that murdering the babies in their bodies is some kind of noble "right," and spend their time in the Middle East, protecting women from being used as cannon fodder.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:50ZThe Moment of TruthStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Moment-of-Truth/767.html2010-05-13T07:58:49Z2010-05-13T07:58:49Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>In a never-ending supply of lows, TV's newest contribution to the destruction of dignity, modesty, and compassion is on the Fox Network, entitled "
The Moment of Truth
." The basic concept is to have people admit to immoral, illegal, embarrassing, stupid, crass or just plain dumb behavior while attached to a "polygraph," which purports to determine whether the answer given by the contestant is "truthful." Truthful answers are rewarded by cash, up to a half-million dollars. It's sickening to see what some folks will destroy in their own souls and relationships for money - even a lot of money.The New York Times (
January 25, 2008
) described a scenario on the series' premiere show:
'Ty, a personal trainer, said 'yes' when asked if he has delayed having children because he is not sure that Catia, his wife of 2 1/2 years, would be his 'lifelong partner.' After he replied, a disembodied female voice delivered the verdict: 'The answer is....(long dramatic beat) TRUE!' The camera panned to Catia, who stopped smiling and murmured 'I'm dying here.' Her friend, April, turned to her and asked in a semi-whisper 'Is it worth $100,000 to learn that?'"Well, financially, it wasn't worth anything because when Ty was asked whether he had ever touched a female client more than was strictly necessary, his "no" was determined by the polygraph to be a lie, and he lost all his winnings
This is sick stuff. All truths ought not to be spoken.There is a new film out with a plot that I believe appropriately condemns society for caving into the basest part of human nature. There is a "bad" guy who murders people and puts their lingering, torturous death on the Internet live. The more people who log on....the faster and more horrific the victim's death. What happens? Well, more people log on. The parallel is inescapable. Shame on Fox, but more so, shame on us.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:49ZThanks for TEARING into Me!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Thanks-for-TEARING-into-Me!/768.html2010-05-13T07:58:48Z2010-05-13T07:58:48Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I sometimes hear from people who think I'm too harsh on my callers. There are many reasons for the way I deal with someone who calls my program, but my particular approach is always in direct response to what I intuit from the callers themselves. Here's an email I got from Morgan, who titled her correspondence "Thanks For Your Advice and for TEARING Into Me!"
I called you the other day, and was shocked to hear you for real in my ear! My question was about why I was complaining about my fiancé a lot lately. My complaints were about his extra weight, being quiet on road trips, an, lately, his constant wearing of a baseball hat! You listened PATIENTLY to what I was nagging about, and then you truly laid into me...and well, I really needed it!
You told me that I wasn't marrying myself, and if I wanted to be with someone exactly like me, well, marry myself (ha!), but not stay and complain. You also stated that I was comparing him to me, and that wasn't helpful. He is his own man - a quiet, baseball hat-wearing man. Then you said that I should thank him for putting up with me for so long.
It is really interesting to me that I have always prided myself on treating others the way I wish to be treated-- my students, my colleagues, my friend--but that I had been treating my own fiancé in a negative, terrible and condescending manner, instead of thanking him every day for coming into my life. He is the most gentle, generous and loyal person I know, and the truth is I have been feeling crappy about myself and projecting that onto him.
Well, I went home and re-read "Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives," and got to the part that asks the reader to think about whether they would want their future daughter to be dating their partner. It really sunk in.I'd love it if my future daughter would be dating someone like my fiancé, but I don't think I'd want my future son dating someone like I have been lately!
Good wake-up call for me, Dr. Laura. I've listened to you for eight years. You are a true voice of reason, morality, and plain common sense in my head!Staff2010-05-13T07:58:48ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/769.html2010-05-13T07:58:46Z2010-05-13T07:58:46Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>This piece of advice is from Kathleen's grandmother, who, at 69, has been married for
52 years
:
"A woman holds all the control in the family. She is the center of the home. When she is happy, everyone is lifted, and when she is not, she can drag everyone down with her. Be generous with your affection, and let the little things go. And most importantly, if you don't give your husband what he needs, he will look for it somewhere else."
Sounds like she was practicing "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands" long before I ever wrote the book!Staff2010-05-13T07:58:46ZIn Memoriam: Frank KingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/In-Memoriam:--Frank-King/770.html2010-05-13T07:58:46Z2010-05-13T07:58:46Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The way to my heart...is through my heart, and the family of Frank King did just that.
"King, Frank L., 84, beloved husband, father, grandfather, and great-grandfather, died peacefully in his sleep at his home in North Tustin, California after a lengthy illness."
Frank enlisted in the Marine Corps in 1943 and flew missions as a tail gunner, navigator, and radioman in World War II and Korea. For his service, he received numerous decorations and medals. He had a "Marine" mindset his whole life, always following his credo: "What did we say we would do? Then do it!"Charice and Ron King, the son and daughter-in-law of Mr. King, contacted us about
Operation Family Fund
because they knew their beloved father "would be pleased" to have donations made in lieu of flowers. Mr. King is survived by a huge number of loving family and friends. And now, because of this request, he is also survived by a huge number of families of fallen military.In just a few days, more than $2000 has been sent to Operation Family Fund (OFF) in Mr. King's respected name and memory.Operation Family Fund and all of us at The Dr. Laura Program are humbly grateful for this gracious thoughtfulness.I would like to offer my personal condolences to the family of friends of Mr. King, who was obviously a remarkable man.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:46ZWhen A Man Isn't Loved By A WomanStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-A-Man-Isnt-Loved-By-A-Woman/771.html2010-05-13T07:58:44Z2010-05-13T07:58:44Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I got these two emails the other day, and they came in almost back to back. And I'm sad to say that I "get" it. You're going to be horrified. Kristen wrote:
"My best friend and I were in the car the other day and heard a radio advertisement for a new dating service (more like a disservice). It isn't your typical dating site, no, no; this site is for those looking to commit adultery. Their slogan? 'When Monogamy Becomes Monotony.' The tab on my internet browser even labeled it 'Married Dating.' Apparently dating these days isn't just for single folks anymore. The first thing that popped into my head was, 'Boy I wonder how long it will take for someone to call Dr. Laura to tell her how they found this site on their spouse's 'favorites' list.' What a shame!
I am proud to say that because of your sound advice and my early commitment to 'The Proper Care & Feeding Of Husbands,' my soon-to-be husband, of this July, would never consider such a "dating service." Keep up the GREAT work Dr. Laura. If anyone can combat the irresponsible use of such a filthy site, it's you!"
Well, I thought that was well taken. But, you see, she read and has committed to "The Proper Care & Feeding Of Husbands."Then this came in , from a guy whose name I won't give, but after reading this, you'll understand who's going to be calling the "When You're Married" dating site. He said:
I heard, on your show yesterday that this guy stood up to the plate, helped his wife when she was sick, and what she did to say thank you for her appreciation. I thought I would do something nice for
my
wife as we have been more like roommates rather that husband and wife. So when she came home the other night, I had dinner started; I asked her how her day had gone. I made dinner: pasta, home made sauce, a nice salad, a glass of wine. When she was done I cleaned up and while she was watching TV, I filled the tub with lots of bubbles, and lit candles all around the top. (It is a big tub and two can fit in very easily.) I poured two glasses of wine, got her robe and said, 'Close your eyes and come with me.' She followed me into the bathroom and saw what I had done and said,' Are you crazy? Is this supposed to get me excited about being intimate with you? I don't know what you were thinking, but I am tired and I don't need this.' Anyway,I am sure someone out there would have appreciated the gesture.
I think this is why guys wake up and say, I have had enough." And then they call dating sites, and crank up porn, and have affairs. When I wrote "The Proper Care & Feeding Of Husbands," everybody wanted to know why I didn't have "The Proper Care & Feeding Of Wives." And I said that women control everything in intimate relationships, and that it was much easier for a woman to change a man's mood, than it was for a man to change a woman's mood. For example: A man comes home after a very bad day. His wife greets him at the door, in some scanty negligee, and says "Honey, lets go make mad, passionate love." The guy goes brain dead about his day, and has a great night. A woman, however, comes home after a bad day. Guy meets her in the altogether, and says, "Baby, let's go make mad, passionate love." And she's going to sound just like
this
wife: "Are you crazy? Is this supposed to make me excited about being intimate with you? I don't know what you were thinking, but I am tired and I don't need this." That would be the more typical response, because we women don't give up our moods that quickly. We embrace them, with talons sunk in deep. So, yeah. I know it sounds shocking, but I know why there are sites where you can get some action. Because, wherever there isn't the proper care and feeding of husbands, there's somebody that's going to log into one of those sites. A husband who sets up the night like this guy did, whose wife goes, "Ooh, honey" is never going to log into any of those sites. Because he's got everything: wife, mother of his children, lover, and best friend... There's nothing left to look for.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:44ZFacebook Breakup RevisitedStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Facebook-Breakup-Revisited/772.html2010-05-13T07:58:43Z2010-05-13T07:58:43Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>In response to my blog on the degeneration of interpersonal relationships through Facebook, MySpace, and the swell of gossip media outlets, I got this from Paul French:
You are so correct. My wife came across a great quote from Eleanor Roosevelt that I believe explains a lot of this: 'Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.'
Thanks, Paul!Staff2010-05-13T07:58:43ZSex and GradesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Sex-and-Grades/773.html2010-05-13T07:58:43Z2010-05-13T07:58:43Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>London's
Daily Mail
reports that a Cambridge University study has found that the more sex partners students have, the lower their grades. The online study was published in the student magazine
Varsity
, and compiled results based on answers from more than 1,000 Cambridge University students.The study found that medical students were among those with the most sexual partners, and that mathematicians had the fewest partners.It's scary to think that the average physician's learning efforts dropped with his/her increased number of sexual partners. I wonder if that will be one of the questions listed on the online physicians' assessments available for public view?Staff2010-05-13T07:58:43ZPlanned UN-ParenthoodStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Planned-UN-Parenthood/774.html2010-05-13T07:58:41Z2010-05-13T07:58:41Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Frankly, calling abortion (the termination of a life within a woman's uterus) "reproductive health," is a ridiculous - but effective - way of obfuscating the realities. A January 18 report from the Associated Press (which excludes California because its government does not provide data) estimates that in 2005 there were 1.2 million abortions - down from a peak of 1.6 million abortions in 1990, but still happening in 20% of the cases where conception has occurred.Half of the 1.2 million U.S. women who have abortions each year are 25 and older, while only 17% are teenagers. Since abortion became legal, there have been roughly 50 million abortions in the US, and more than one-third of adult women are estimated to have had at least one."Planned Un-Parenthood," as I call that group, is launching a major effort to elect so-called "pro-abortion rights" candidates to Congress and the White House in November. According to the Wall Street Journal (January 22, 2008), they plan to spend $10 million to elect candidates who back its priorities. We are just in the beginning of a world wide jihadist movement to eradicate Western Civilization, and they want to focus only on protecting a woman's right to kill the life growing inside her body. I don't love special interest groups.Tuesday, January 22, 2008, the Santa Barbara News-Press published a half-page ad from the "Santa Barbara Pro-Choice Coalition" concerned with what would happen to women in America "if Roe Fell?" They list: "They may have to resort to back alleys, they'll be forced to travel to states with less restrictive laws, they may be prosecuted for self-induced abortions, [and] poor and low income women will suffer the most." It is signed by just about every group in Santa Barbara that is dominated by women (except, of course, by religious or pro-life groups).When I woke up to that ad I thought immediately that "if Roe Fell" maybe women would be more circumspect about when and with whom they had sex; that women might show some proactive responsibility by using the birth control pill, an IUD, etc., or have the maturity to make sure their sex partner (or, if you're in college, it's just a hook-up partner) uses a condom. I also thought that maybe they'd have the compassion not to make an innocent child experience capital punishment, and instead be offered for adoption to a two-parent, mature and responsible married couple and thereby create a family instead of terminating a life.Instead, we've got a culture that disdains personal responsibility and elevates freedom from consequences and the impact on others be damned. Think about the so-called reality shows which have young adults mixing and matching sexual exploits, and the popularity of television programs like "Sex in the City" and "Friends." Sharon wrote to me recently about the second American Idol pilot episode:
"Auditioning was a young man who had made a promise to his father never to kiss or be intimate with a girl until his wedding night. He wears a key around his neck that fits into a heart that hangs around his father's neck. His father will give this heart to his son's bride when the time comes. It was all very sweet and I admired him so much for his dedication to this promise. I thought that his wife would be a very lucky woman."
"I was shocked at American Idol's spin on this young man's promise. I thought they would respond to it as romantic. Instead, they essentially mocked him. He did not get selected, and when he asked if the judges had any advice, they told him to go kiss a girl. He told his father he would just keep working on his voice and come back next year. The announcer said maybe next year he'll come back as a man instead of a boy."
"I was shocked. To me he already was a man. It takes a man to make a sacrifice like that. He was easily 25. In today's world, boys as young as 12 are having sex, so does that make them men? Who makes the standards on what makes a man today? And does American Idol have any right to make that call?"
About 13 percent of American women are black, yet new figures from the Centers for Disease Control show they account for 35 percent of the abortions and the overwhelming majority of children born to black women are "illegitimate." Alveda King, a niece of Martin Luther King Jr., calls herself a "reformed murderer" for undergoing two abortions when she was young. According to the AP report, she is now an outspoken anti-abortion campaigner. She says that the best way to reduce abortions among black women is to dissuade more of them from premarital sex. "'We give free sex education, free condoms, free birth control,' she complained. 'That's almost like permission to have free sex, and the higher the rate of sexual activity, the higher the rate of unintended pregnancy.'"Ms. King is so right. The Denver Post (January 7, 2008) reported that pregnant students in a Denver high school are asking for at least four weeks of maternity leave so "they can heal, bond with their newborns, and not be penalized with unexcused absences." These are unmarried teenagers whose children will now be in 'other than mom'-care, most likely grow up in poverty, and not have a dad in their lives. Meanwhile, society is telling these girls that their actions should have no consequences on them...what about their children?! The do-gooders who back up these young girls refuse to acknowledge this disaster cast upon innocent children, and instead propagate more such irresponsible behavior by demanding free child-care and elevating these girls to a sacred status. It would seem that reinstituting shame for being a "bad girl" and having sexual intercourse out-of-wedlock (it works...there were no pregnancies in either of the two high-schools I went to in Long Island, NY), and pushing the heck out of adoption might be better for women in the long run than unfettered abortion rights.What is ignored or denied by Planned UN-Parenthood types are the wide range of emotional problems that women who have had abortions suffer. To get up to speed with these facts, check out
www.abortionfacts.com/reardon/after_abortion_psychological_rea.asp
. Nicole wrote to me about watching a popular morning television talk show where the topic was "hooking up."
"On stage was a fourteen year old girl who mentioned that her friends were having oral sex at the age of 11 and that she had hooked up too. Evidently, when the mother expressed some anger, the host and the 'expert' ganged up on her telling her how to be more understanding and go off with her and buy condoms."
"That's when I shut the television off. I grew up with parents who had a zero tolerance policy for sexual activity outside of marriage. Sure, when I was a child our conversations about sex were calm and relaxed. We talked openly about the consequences and reasons to wait. However, when I became a teenager I knew that if I had sex and got pregnant, I was on my own. I knew that if I had sex they would not pay for college. I knew that if I had sex there were not only going to be consequences with my parents...and you know what? As a teenager, losing the love and respect of my parents was enough of a consequence for me to abstain when my friends were not."
"Parents need to be stern about sex outside of marriage - not compassionate. If my parents had told me in advance that I could come to them after I had sex and all I would receive was a big hug and a trip to the drug store, I would have had no reason to abstain."
Perhaps we should go back to thinking about sex as "making love," and then wait 'til we actually are...making love.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:41ZQuote of the WeekStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Quote-of-the-Week/775.html2010-05-13T07:58:40Z2010-05-13T07:58:40Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I get thousands of emails, letters and faxes every week. They can be funny, sobering, trivial, deep. Every once in a while one comes in that just takes my breath away. This is one of those:
"I am terminally ill with cancer. I AM GOING TO BE HAPPY EVERY DAY. Life is a very great gift. I am very grateful for each day. Even if all you get in life is one sunrise or one sunset; life is a fantastic present. I DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR MY HAPPINESS."
She asked me not to use her name.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:40ZHeath Ledger and Tragic DeathStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Heath-Ledger-and-Tragic-Death/776.html2010-05-13T07:58:39Z2010-05-13T07:58:39Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I want to begin this blog by offering my deepest and most sincere condolences to the family and friends of
Heath Ledger
, the young movie star found dead this week in his apartment. The point of view of this blog does not in any way intend to minimize the loss, hurt, and emotional suffering of those with whom he was close.However, the amount of media attention to this tragedy does seem excessive to some, while the heroically tragic sacrifices of other talented and brave young Americans go unnoticed. A "Blue Star Mother" (an organization of mothers who now have, or have had, children honorably serving in the military
bluestarmothers.org
) wrote to me:
"In listening to the recent press hysteria surrounding Heath Ledger's death, I can't help but contrast that with the ultimate sacrifice our troops make every day with no fanfare.
My son, a Specialist with the Army 25th ID, is stationed in Taji, Iraq. Last Friday he witnessed the death of his very good friend,
Specialist Jon Schoolcraft
, age 26, to an IED, not to mention the grievous wounds sustained by others in the same attack. I would ask your listeners to log onto the DoD website (
defenselink.mil/Releases/
) just once to see the names and ages of the brave young men and women who have made the ultimate sacrifice for their country. Better yet, turn off the gossip channels on the TV and Internet and write a letter or send a care package to the troops to let them know they're not forgotten.
God Bless you, Dr. Laura, for all you do for our troops. I too am a Proud Mother of an American Soldier...Hoo-ah!"
I believe that a civilization is measured in great part by what it chooses to honor.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:39ZJournal of My Trip to Portland OregonStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Journal-of-My-Trip-to-Portland-Oregon/777.html2010-05-13T07:58:37Z2010-05-13T07:58:37Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>You could tell who the "visitors" were in Portland this past weekend. We were the only ones using umbrellas...Portlanders simply go on with their lives as if water were not draining from the sky. It was a great trip. I arrived Thursday and stayed at The Benson Hotel on Southwest Broadway. Friday morning we drove to
KATU-TV where I had a fun interview
about "In My Never To Be Humble Opinion," my one woman show that we did on Friday and Saturday night at the lovely Newmark Theater at the Portland Center for the Performing Arts. After the television interview, I arrived at KEX AM 1190 for an unbelievably moving Native American ceremony performed by Marshall Tall Eagle and his wife and granddaughter. They presented me with a "Mother's Medal of Honor," in recognition of my being "the proud mother of a deployed American paratrooper." Marshall Tall Eagle's special status among the tribes gave him the power to assign an "Indian" name to a "civilian." He told me he'd prayed about it and was told what name to use for me: "Walks with Warriors." No question that I loved getting that name! After doing my radio program from the KEX studios, I went to afternoon team Mark & Dave's studio to be interviewed about whatever came into their very hilarious minds. They and their crew surprised me with a birthday apple pie lit up with candles...very, very appreciated. I'd asked Mark & Dave to open my one woman show and what a terrific move that turned out to be -- they were unbelievable witty and charming andjump-started audience enthusiasm. I've been all over the country with my show, and the Newmark had the best audio of all by far - no matter where you sat from the front row to the last seat in the second balcony, you could hear every word. The audience was fun and responsive...which brought the best out of me. Saturday morning I got up way too early because the kind people at "Nolita's" (Pearl District) opened their shop up early so that I might take advantage of their cool styles and the luxury of a sale complete with no sales tax. Don't ask how much I spent...their things were adorable. Next stop was "Jane's Vanity" for a selection of fabulous lingerie. I particularly like camisoles to wear under blazers. We had a great lunch at Jake's Famous Crawfish. The sourdough bread and the crab cakes were amazing. We all walked back to our hotels after lunch to nap - traveling and performing...eating and shopping... take a lot out of you! Saturday night's crowd was as enthusiastic and energized as the night before - with both nights totally sold out. One couple had changed their marriage plans a bit in order to make sure they made it to the Saturday show. They moved the ceremony and reception earlier in the day and then drove to Portland to see the show...still wearing their wedding clothes! I acknowledged them from the stage and gave them a wedding present I'd purchased the week before in response to their email informing me of their "new" plans. Just adorable. I loved Portland, the folks at KEX, and Portlanders in general. They were all gracious, fun, positive and quite sensitive to the more serious issues I addressed as well as open to having a good time. Thank you all for your hospitality. Sunday morning I got up at 5 AM to be home by 11 AM so that I could go out with my sailboat racing crew to practice. My husband then made the best hamburger and potato salad on any coast and I just put my feet up, petted Bebe while watching some touching true story about a college that lost its whole football team in a tragic plane crash. I'm a sucker for sentimental stories - even more so when they're about real life. We're looking at a number of new cities to go to with the one woman show. I'm hoping to see many more of you soon!Staff2010-05-13T07:58:37ZHappiness is NOT the Highest ValueStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Happiness-is-NOT-the-Highest-Value/778.html2010-05-13T07:58:35Z2010-05-13T07:58:35Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Earlier this week, I got a call from a 36 year old woman who has been "shacking up" with her boyfriend for four years. She wants to have children, but senses his ambivalence. The answer I gave her applies to all the otherwise intelligent women who do this.You should move out and say "I've decided I've made a horrible mistake and the next time I'm living under the same roof as a man, I'm going to be his wife!"You don't
demand
anything. You don't
threaten
anything. You act like a dignified woman, instead of an unpaid whore. It's as simple as that. A man who loves and respects a woman wouldn't treat you like that.When I asked this caller "What would you tell your son?" at first, she didn't understand that I was raising a hypothetical question about how she would explain this behavior to her "future" child. She started to say, "Well, if you're both happy, and you're both-" and I immediately cut in and said she should not make babies. If you're going to do that to your kid, don't have any. If you're going to tell your daughter "...as long as you're happy and you're screwing your brains out every night with a guy who doesn't want to commit his life to you, it's all okay!" - we don't need any more parents like that. That's why we have such chaos in our whole society - because you think "happy" at any one moment is the highest value. I think honor, sacrifice, and commitment are a higher honor than taking your daily "happiness" temperature, because a man staying true to his wife, who has terminal colon cancer, instead of dating is not
happy
. Is he
happy
? Then that can't be the highest quotient!If you want the world to deal on "happiness," then you have to understand that your man will leave you any day you don't make him happy, and will not honor you or
any
vow, because he doesn't have to! You've already taught him that if you're "happy," that's the only thing that matters.I don't think firemen are happy to run into burning buildings. I don't think they're "happy" doing that. I don't think police are "happy" to surround a building where somebody says he's going to shoot everybody. I don't think they lay awake in the morning and go "Gee, that makes me happy!" They have honor and sacrifice and duty and commitment to something higher than "feeling good" in and of themselves. Don't have children if you're going to teach them about "happiness." We have enough chaos in our society because people are doing what they "feel" like when it has no meaning and no projection into the future. If you teach your sons to screw girls if it makes them happy, and as long as she's smiling and you don't have to make any commitment, don't make babies. We just don't need any more parents like you. We just don't.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:35Z"Breaking Up" With FacebookStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Breaking-Up-With-Facebook/779.html2010-05-13T07:58:34Z2010-05-13T07:58:34Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>A recent essay in the New York Times (December 2, 2007) talked about the growing popularity of social networking sites like Facebook, MySpace, and others where the word "friends" is used to describe email relationships with folks we barely know. Humans are gregarious creatures and fare better belonging to networks of family, community, spiritual groups, clubs, and so forth - all of which are sustained through face-to-face contact.The bottom line is that the more time we spend online, the less time we spend having true relationships complete with challenges, vulnerability, risks and profundity. These are not real-world relationships with depth. These on-line relationships are shadows and facsimiles which ultimately amount to little more than casual, superficial experiences.One mother, Jene, who listens regularly to my radio program, sent me this letter her 21 year-old son wrote to Facebook. I suggest you show this to all your children and read it twice yourself if you are hooked to on-line pseudo-friendships:
"As a mother of two young adults, I've witnessed their obsessive involvement with the many electronic forms of communication that are all the rage in recent years...email, instant messaging, texting, and the several web-based social networks like Facebook and MySpace. All are useful communication tools, but often counterproductive in really getting to know people.
It came to my attention that my 21 year-old son took a bold step recently and closed down his Facebook account by writing a breaking-up letter and posting it as a good-bye. When he shared it with me, I was touched, relieved, and very proud of his stand. I asked him if I might share this with you. His grin, soft laugh and nod of his head spoke volumes:
'Facebook, we need to have a DTR (defining the relationship) talk...It's not all your fault, it's mostly mine...This is the end of you and me, Facebook. I'm leaving you because I have spent more time browsing your pages than I have been spending in the pages of The Good Book. And I can't live like that anymore. I've let you become a monster...you've taken too much of my time and my thoughts. Maybe it's just my lack of self-control or discipline, but you're addictive to me. I'm ashamed of the number of times I check you daily. If I were able to grasp how much time I have spent swimming though your endless ocean of profiles, I would be able to bear the guilt.
Here's why: because of your profiles, I've become lazy. Because of you I found myself talking with person after person, asking them questions that I already knew the answers to. On many levels I've substituted and even avoided personal interactions with people because of your artificial and superficial means of communication. You have diluted my perception of true social interaction.
You've made me a coward. There's a difference between a Facebook friend and an actual friend. Everyone knows the difference, but when one tries to reach across the barrier from Facebook friends to actual friends it just isn't the same.
Facebook, you're not all bad. You have your benefits. I must admit, you allow me to network and keep in touch with people with whom I normally wouldn't have been able to...but at what cost? Wasting time Facebooking people I'll never meet has distracted me from meeting the person sitting next to me in class, or has kept me from calling up and hanging out with an old friend because Facebooking is just as good? I beg to differ.
In some form or another, you've hindered my investment in the relationships with those genuine people hiding behind the idealistic profiles they've made of themselves. Let's face it, I don't perceive myself in the same way someone else perceives me. From now on, I only want to know people for whom they truly are; not for what you (Facebook) says they are. I just can't trust you.
'This might seem radical, but I have to make up for lost time. This hurts me just as much as it hurts you, but I have to take a stand. Logging out for good,
Kyle.'"
I am so very impressed with Kyle's maturity and good sense.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:34ZThanks For Your GenerosityStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Thanks-For-Your-Generosity/780.html2010-05-13T07:58:33Z2010-05-13T07:58:33Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I am amazed at the depth of commitment and compassion the listeners to my radio program have towards our United States soldiers and their families. Toward the end of 2007, I talked about the Congressional hearings on charity fraud particularly with respect to veteran's organizations and encouraged you to do your own research, not just for Operation Family Fund but for any charitable organization you were thinking of supporting. From the time of that commentary, Operation Family Fund has received over $120,000 in donations, and they're still coming in. Thank you for taking my favorite charity into your hearts, and helping the families of our brave men and women whose lives have been severely disrupted by the global war on terrorism.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:33ZMy Guest Appearance On "Larry King Live" Last NightStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/My-Guest-Appearance--On-Larry-King-Live-Last-Night/781.html2010-05-13T07:58:32Z2010-05-13T07:58:32Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>As always, I LOVE being on the Larry King Show. The original intent of my appearance last night was to promote the release of my New York Times bestseller, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage," in paperback, but the fun thing about being with Larry is that he expands the experience by asking anything from politics to sex to celebrity nonsense to one's personal life, and so forth. Last night was no exception.The Larry King producers have added a new dimension to the program - one I enjoyed tremendously: the "man" on the street short video questions. My favorite was a young man asking about his girlfriend's determination to have him take money from her father. He wanted to know if his inclination to not do so was out of line. I instantly heralded him as a "real man," and suggested he dump this "daddy's girl" for a real woman. Just prior to my appearance on the show, Arianna Huffington (great hair, by the way) was included in a panel of political pundits. After she left, I noticed she had forgotten her Blackberry and compact. I called to her and she was most grateful and gracious, acknowledging that she "owed me one." I sincerely hope she remembers that the next time she mentions me in her blog.All-in-all a great experience, and you can read the transcript from the program by
clicking here
. Oh yeah...do you like my new hair-do? Takes me - brace yourselves - only 10 minutes from shower to coif!Staff2010-05-13T07:58:32ZAmerican Values, Google EditionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/American-Values,-Google-Edition/782.html2010-05-13T07:58:31Z2010-05-13T07:58:31Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Go ahead and guess what came out as Number 3 on AOL's "Top Searches from Mobile Devices." Right! It's porn. The Wall Street Journal's Carl Bialik (
The Numbers Guy
) got the original list in a draft press release, and said he "pointed out the surprising entry" to a spokeswoman, who said that normally, such terms are "scrubbed from the list." And guess what? When the final list was released, "porn" was nowhere to be found, replaced by "iPhone," which was pushed up to Number 3 from Number 4 on the original draft release.It gets even better...."...Britney Spears and Saddam Hussein could each top the category of 'celebrity' and 'news,' respectively, in lists from multiple search engines. Those search engines willing to share numbers beyond their news releases made clear that, in search land, the troubled pop singer trumped the late dictator. Searches for Ms. Spears ran six times those for Mr. Hussein on Yahoo!, and nearly 600 times on Lycos."How embarrassing for our nation. [sources: Bialik article: you can search it on WSJ.com under The Numbers Guy for December 21. Title of article is "What Topics Filled (Clean) Minds in '07? For One: An Asterisk or use the link here:
http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB119820461738044109-lECMb7qhI7UaxADXmlRkefZGJhI_20081220.html?mod=rss_free
]Staff2010-05-13T07:58:31ZTop Ten New Year's ResolutionsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Top-Ten-New-Years-Resolutions/783.html2010-05-13T07:58:30Z2010-05-13T07:58:30Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>According to About.com:Pittsburgh, (
http://pittsburgh.about.com/
) the following are the Top 10 New Year's Resolutions - and I don't think anybody is going to be surprised by the subjects. And the nasty little truth about resolutions is that people often identify the "trouble" spots, but generally don't come up with a plan to deal with them. Nonetheless:1.
Spend More Time with Family and Friends
...meaning work shouldn't always usurp all your time, attention, and importance. About 50% of folks make this resolution.2.
Lose weight:
since two-thirds of American adults are fat or obese, this is a major issue. Unfortunately, the fat level rises each year, in spite of this ubiquitous resolution.3.
Get Fit:
getting regular exercise is probably the #1 means to a better life; it reduces the risk of some cancers, increases longevity, helps achieve and maintain weight loss, enhances mood, lowers blood pressure, improves arthritis, and makes you feel sexier. What more can one say?4.
Quit Smoking:
it turns out that on the average, smokers try about four times to stop before they quit for good. It's a nasty habit -- it stains teeth, contributes to high risks for certain cancers, and gums up your lungs.5.
Enjoy life more:
of course lousy things happen, but spending most of your time being upset about it is a waste of precious time. In spite of challenges and tragedies, take up a new hobby, learn something new, or take up a new sport. It all results in increased happiness which results in you being nicer and more appreciative of what you have.6.
Quit Drinking:
just think of the excess calories! If you are a problem drinker, trust me, your personality is better when you're sober. Check out AA.7.
Get Out of Debt:
living beyond your means gives you "stuff" and robs you of sanity. The fears and frustrations of debt counteract any fun you have from living beyond your means. Go to a financial planner and figure out what you can do to get control of your spending and repay your debts. 8.
Learn Something New:
I'm taking a motorcycle training course. There isn't a year that goes by in my life without my trying something new. An adventure of the mind, body or spirit is a great thing. Learning makes you more interesting and gives you goals which energize your spirit.9.
Help Others:
donating and volunteering are extremely wonderful activities because they make you feel like you do mean something to others and you're not just spinning in your gerbil cage. Reach out to others and life becomes more tender and meaningful.10.
Get Organized:
it is quite difficult to do anything if your home and workspace are chaos. There are experts, DVD's, courses, websites and consultants who can help you put everything in its place. Then, learn to slow down and enjoy putting your toys away before you go on to your next activity.
My
#1 suggestion to America is spend no more time writing nasty things on blogs. Instead, try to be positive and creative; hate and be angry less.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:30Z"Human" Global WarmingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Human-Global-Warming/784.html2010-05-13T07:58:29Z2010-05-13T07:58:29Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Those of you who listen to my radio program know that I end each hour with "Now, go do the right thing!" Well, I'm happy to report that that phrase was brought home to me last week.After working on a local telethon, my husband and I went to a local restaurant with our best friend. When we arrived, there was only a table for two available, and people at every occupied table were just starting their meals. It was going to be a long wait!I looked around the restaurant again and noticed a tall gentleman sitting side-by-side with a young child. They were each at a table for two that had been pushed together so they could sit next to each other. I said nothing, and hopefully, my face betrayed nothing. It was barely a moment later when the gentleman motioned over the server and he and the child got up and moved to that available table for two. When he saw me notice this move, he pointed to his table for us to take it. As he sat down at his new table, I went over to hug him. I said, "That is so kind of you. Thank you so much!" He came back with "It was the right thing to do."He warmed my heart. He taught the boy a lesson in selfless generosity. He was a role model for everyone in the restaurant who noticed, and now you know about him, too.That's the kind of "global warming" for which I believe human beings should be responsible.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:29ZGive Your Children The Best Gift of All ' YOUStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Give-Your-Children-The-Best-Gift-of-All--YOU/785.html2010-05-13T07:58:28Z2010-05-13T07:58:28Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>We live in a time where millions of children spend all day away from their families in facilities that have big screen TVs to amuse them, and they have caregivers for whom English is not required. This is also the time when parents buy ever-increasing numbers of electronic gizmos to occupy their children's time - sometimes to "make them smarter," or to "make them buzz off," so that busy, busy parents can have some "well-earned down time."Whether its TV, computer games, or hand-held devices, more and more parents are inundating even babies with all of this mass-produced "input." A recent study reported that about 40% of families with babies and young children keep the television on at all times. "Always on" TV damages the children's ability to play imaginatively and to develop language skills. Obviously, it reduces the number of nurturing interactions between parents and children, too.There are many so-called studies which identify programs that provide a positive influence (like "Barney," which teaches kids politeness and social cooperation). The problem with
all
of these studies is that they never compare these TV-watching children to those raised in TV-free households to compare the shows to the loving attention of a parent.The problem is that we are living in a time of rising juvenile obesity and inactivity, and ever-increasing "diagnoses" of ADD and ADHD (which I believe most of the time is "kids being kids," and/or kids who don't get proper attention paid to them, with direction, support, and consequences). This is also a time of more childhood sexual activity, leading to STDs, pregnancies, abortions and broken hearts with confused minds.So, this Christmas-time, change your adult life around and give your children "stuff to do" -- some with you and some on their own - to exercise their imaginations and give them a sense of accomplishment.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:28ZMuslim Helps Jews During Subway AttackStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Muslim-Helps-Jews-During-Subway-Attack/786.html2010-05-13T07:58:27Z2010-05-13T07:58:27Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I don't know how many of you know, but a little over a week ago, in New York City, a guy and a few of his friends, were on the subway - the Q train - and there were groups of people on the train, and four people come on, all Jewish. Somebody screams out "Merry Christmas," and in good feeling, they yelled back "And a Happy Hanukkah." Almost instantly, at least ten guys closed in on them. One of the guys immediately hiked up his sleeve to show a tattoo of Christ, and said "Happy Hanukkah? That's when the Jews killed Jesus." The group then increased to fourteen, men and women, who began taunting the four Jews, and called them "dirty Jews," and "Jew bitches." And a fight ensued.Is that why I'm telling you this story? No. I'm going to go back about 25 years, and I was at an art museum in Pasadena, and there was an event showing gratitude to what Jews call "the righteous Gentiles." That is the most magnificent thing in Jewish tradition to say about a non-Jew: to call them a "righteous Gentile." And these are the folks who, during World War II, risked their lives and the lives of their children to save Jews from the Nazis. When any of these people were caught, they would be shot, hung upside down in the town. They'd watch their children die, and then they'd be killed. You would think a lot of people would go, "Y'know what? I'm not going to do this. I don't want to risk my kids and myself." But the righteous Gentiles, who were Christian, risked everything. And the important part of this entire exhibit, was the part where they asked these people why were you willing to risk everything? The lives of your children, for goodness sakes, to save a Jew? And they all gave exactly the same answer. I read all these reports, and I couldn't believe it - they just had me in tears. They all said the same simple thing: because I was brought up that that's the right thing to do. To protect people against evil - that's how I was brought up. It was the right thing to do. Very simple.Back to last week. All of a sudden, these four guys and gals are being pummeled, and one person gets into the fray. A Muslim, from Bangladesh, jumped to their aid, and was likewise pummeled and taunted, and he risked his life to help four Jews. As one of the young people who was attacked (an honor student at Hunter College) said: "A random Muslim guy jumped in and helped a Jewish guy on Hanukkah. THAT is a miracle. He's basically a hero. He jumped in to help us." This young man who jumped in was called a hero, and his answer was: "I just did what I had to do. My parents raised me that way. My father always said 'stand up for people and do good to your fellow man.' I'm not a hero," he said. "I did what people
should
do every day. I just did what I had to do, because my parents raised me that way." No jihad, but a commitment to stand up for people and do good for your fellow man.He also added, "It's pretty sad that someone would get offended over someone just saying 'Happy Hanukkah.' I don't know why they flipped out so much. They must be angry people." Poor guy. He's got two black eyes, and celebrated Hanukkah with the four people he helped. One thing I don't understand is why the ten people who were arrested have not been charged with a hate crime. I personally don't believe in hate crimes - I think if you call somebody a "dirty" something - a dirty black, a dirty Jew, dirty anything, you shouldn't get more years in jail. You should get all those extra years in jail just for
hurting
them - I don't think special categories of people should exist. It should be the maximum period. Nonetheless, since the law is on the books, I'd sure like to know why New York hasn't charged them with a hate crime. "Dirty Jew" and "Jew bitches" and an attack? Sounds like a hate crime.One of the guys, who sounds like a real moron, is sadly, the son of a city firefighter, who's in Iraq right now. This idiot teenager pleaded guilty to a 2005 bias crime against blacks. Now it's Jews. And you know what he said? "I'm trying to stay out of trouble. When I get out, I want to go into the military." I don't think so. I don't think he's military material. He's a jerk. Here he is attacking blacks and attacking Jews, and he says "I'm not a racist."Staff2010-05-13T07:58:27Z'Tis the Season to be GivingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Tis-the-Season-to-be-Giving/787.html2010-05-13T07:58:25Z2010-05-13T07:58:25Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>'Tis the season to be giving...so give generously...but also give wisely.You might have heard a recent report about Congressional hearings regarding a number of Veteran's Charities. It seems that one of the two worst performing charitable categories is "Veterans and Military." It is a sorry story that hundreds of millions of dollars raised in the name of injured military are being squandered by charities that take advantage of our compassion for the soldiers that have sacrificed their lives and health to protect us and our international interests.The American Institute of Philanthropy (AIP), in assessing some 26 charitable organizations that support our soldiers and veterans, only 4 came away with an A rating.For over 30 years I have been involved in raising money for worthy causes and I've learned a lot during that time. One of the things I have learned is to perform due diligence on any charity before I commit my time and effort, endorsement, and funds.That is exactly what I did with
Operation Enduring Freedom Family Fund
. So why do I support Operation Family Fund, including getting dunked, a pie in the face, and grueling runs? 1. 100% volunteers. No one is paid a salary.2. 100% of donations go to program services that directly benefit the families of our fallen and wounded heroes.But I encourage you to do your own research, not just for Operation Family Fund but for any charitable organization you want to support. For more information about OFF, including their tax returns for the past three years, as well as information about thousands of other charities - go to
www.guidestar.org/
. You'll have to join as a member, but that basic membership is free. You will then be able to access information about all the charities you are considering donating to.I know a lot of my listeners have donated money to Operation Family Fund and I want to assure them that Mike Cash and his wonderful organization use your dollars in the most productive and effective way.The $26,000 I raised in my Christmas Holiday Jewelry Boutique went directly to help a lot of military families have a better Christmas than they would have had with a house foreclosure, repossession of a car, or no money for Christmas presents for their children.I'm proud of the work OFF has done to financially and emotionally support our military families after a cataclysmic injury or valiant death. And, I want you to feel secure that whatever you're willing and able to contribute actually touches the home and heart of these noble families.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:25ZDivorce Is Bad For The EnvironmentStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Divorce-Is-Bad-For-The-Environment/788.html2010-05-13T07:58:24Z2010-05-13T07:58:24Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Jianguo "Jack" Liu, a Distinguished Professor of Fisheries and Wildlife at Michigan State University, has published a study that shows that divorce is bad for the environment.
(Proceedings of the National Academy of Science -
http://csis.msu.edu/Publication%20files/PNAS_divorce_environment.pdf
)
With rising divorce rates, there are more households with fewer people, thereby taking up more space per person and using up more energy and water. A refrigerator, for example, uses roughly the same amount of energy whether it belongs to a family of four or one parent and child. Liu estimates that Americans spend an extra $3.6 billion annually on water as a result of the extra households created when people divorce. Turns out that this is not just a problem in the United States. Around the world, even in developing countries and places like China with strict religious policies on divorce, personal commitments are not being kept and those policies are being ignored. Divorce rates are rising, leading to a profound assault on the environment because a married household actually uses resources more efficiently than a divorced household. The number of rooms per person in divorced households is 33% to 95% greater than in married households.I figure, if you can make noise and a commitment to the environment, you ought to be able to make love and a commitment to your marriage...if for no other reason than saving the environment.Oh yes, interesting news on Bloomberg.com. It seems that the energy being used to get all those folks to the United Nations meeting on climate change in Bali, Indonesia, will cost in energy use the equivalent of 20,000 cars emitting pollutants one year. (
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601170&refer=home&sid=aPbfclqokwcw
)Can't they all stay home and just have a conference call?Staff2010-05-13T07:58:24ZRaising Money For Operation Family Fund at Santa Barbara Harley-DavidsonStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Raising-Money-For-Operation-Family-Fund-at-Santa-Barbara-Harley-Davidson/789.html2010-05-13T07:58:23Z2010-05-13T07:58:23ZStaff2010-05-13T07:58:23ZChild Abuse More Likely in Shack-Up RelationshipsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Child-Abuse-More-Likely-in-Shack-Up-Relationships/790.html2010-05-13T07:58:23Z2010-05-13T07:58:23Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>When a woman wishes to diminish her own value (as well as that of the covenant of marriage) by cohabitating with a man who is not willing to make the vow of committing his life to her, it's a shame. When a woman with
children
does so, it too often becomes a crime.Thirty years ago, nearly 80% of America's children lived with both their Mommy and Daddy, who were married. Now, only two-thirds of them do. Of all families with children, nearly 30% are now one-parent families, up from 17% in 1977. The net result is instability, neglect, and the likelihood that children will be in homes with adults who have no biological tie to them.Children living in homes with unrelated adults are nearly
fifty times
as likely to die of inflicted injuries as are children living with their bio-parents. (
Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics, 2005
). Children of single parents had a 77% greater risk of being harmed by physical abuse than children living with both parents (
National Incidence Study, 1996
). Children living in stepfamilies, or with single parents are at higher risk of physical or sexual assault than children living with their bio-parents (
University of New Hampshire's Crimes Against Children Research Center
). Girls whose parents divorce are at significantly higher risk of sexual assault, regardless of which bio-parent they live with (
Family Law, Washington and Lee University
).It is righteous to judge the lifestyles of people who have children, because the results of their choices can result in harm (psychological, physical or sexual), as well as death to innocent children. "Six year old Oscar Jimenez, Jr. was beaten to death in California, then buried under fertilizer and cement. Two year old Devon Shackleford drowned in an Arizona swimming pool. Jayden Cangro, also two, died after being thrown across a room in Utah. In each case, as in many others every year, the alleged or convicted perpetrator had been the boyfriend of the child's mother. (
Associated Press, November 18, 2007
).The recent "Baby Grace" case was no different. According to news reports, the mother's boyfriend beat the child to death because the child didn't address him politely. I am firm in my beliefs and advice that young women, pregnant out-of-wedlock, need to consider adoption as in the best interest of the child, and that divorced parents should not marry again until the children are grown (and if they do, they shouldn't marry someone with children or create more children, because they will be sidelining their own children).Of course, I get everything from "antsy" to angry feedback for these recommendations, as adults feel entitled to their happiness, freedom, and sexual adventures. My point of view is that the children's needs should eclipse the privileges of adult desires.A week ago, a 29 year old female caller to my radio program, with two small children from her first marriage, was now divorcing her second husband. Two divorces before the age of 30! Her question was should she let the new "ex-to-be" see the kids? How about this for a life? Each weekend, you alternate between different "daddies."I suggested she not date again until the children graduated high school.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:23ZThe Good GuysStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Good-Guys/791.html2010-05-13T07:58:22Z2010-05-13T07:58:22Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I read the following email from Tina on the air the other day, but it's such a good story, particularly during this week following
Thanksgiving
, that I wanted to share it in this forum as well:
Dr. Laura:
I have to tell you about a recent shopping experience I had at the local Wal-Mart. My family and I live in northern New York, just 15 minutes from Fort Drum. This area is extremely "pro-military," and we like it, even though I can do away with the miserable winters.
Driving to the store, I always pass through the base, and I saw all the "Welcome Home" banners hanging on the fence, meaning that a bunch of soldiers had just come home from Iraq. When we got in the store, I couldn't help but notice soldiers who were shopping - the look on their faces was priceless! These guys were happy to be shopping, happy to be alive, and happy to be home to family, friends, and community who are aware of their sacrifice and heroism.
My six year old son was sort of oblivious to all of those dressed in fatigues until we reached the Lego aisle, and he saw a couple of soldiers in his favorite section. He said, "Look, Mommy - some good guys!!" "Yes, I see," I told him. Then he asked the soldiers: "Did you get the bad guys?" "Yes, young man, we sure did," they assured him.
My son was especially excited that the good guys liked Legos, too!
Thanks.
TinaStaff2010-05-13T07:58:22ZDon't Buy Your Kids Toys from China This SeasonStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Dont-Buy-Your-Kids-Toys-from-China-This-Season/792.html2010-05-13T07:58:21Z2010-05-13T07:58:21Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>As we head into Thanksgiving, and the beginning of the biggest shopping season of the year, it's time to take a stand regarding the kind of toys we buy our kids. Case in point:1. Mattell, Inc. recalled 675,000
Barbie® Accessory
toys because the paint on the surface of the accessories contained excessive levels of lead. Lead can cause learning and behavior problems and even death.2. The Consumer Product Safety Commission recalled roughly 4 million arts and crafts toys called
Aqua Dots
because several children in the United States and Australia were hospitalized after swallowing some of the toy's beads. The beads had a chemical coating that evidently was related to GHB, the "date rape" drug.3. An additional 175,000
Curious George
plush dolls made by Marvel Toys were recalled because of lead on the toys' plastic faces.This past summer, the toy industry recalled more than 22 million toys because of serious danger issues. The common denominator seems to be that all these toys are made in China. China is the world's number one producer of toys, due to cheap labor and manufacturing costs. While the world's governments lazily deal with tougher controls to intercept dangerous toys before they hurt our children, how about we parents taking control and only purchasing toys made in the U.S.A. this holiday season? We should be supporting our own economy anyway.If you don't know how to find toys made in the USA, here's a start - a parent single-handedly took up the charge and created a website that links to USA-made toys.
toysmadeinamerica.com/
.If you want detailed information on toys that have been recalled by the US Consumer Product Safety Commission, you can find a list of all the latest recalls at
http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/category/toy.html
.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:21ZThoughts From a Soon-To-Be Ex-HusbandStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Thoughts-From-a-Soon-To-Be-Ex-Husband/793.html2010-05-13T07:58:20Z2010-05-13T07:58:20Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I got this eloquent email recently, and wanted to share it with all of you, as it addresses the consequences of some behaviors that often come up from callers to my radio show:"Two months ago, I left my wife and children and moved into a condo about a mile from our home. This morning, I was moved to write the following, just to help
me
vent my frustration over the treatment from my wife that led to this painful and damaging decision, called "For Years:"
For years, you behaved as if it didn't matter whether I came or went, so I went.
For years, you were unsatisfied with the income I brought in, even though it was way more than enough to allow you to stay home with the children. Now you have less, and you get to go to work.
For years, you behaved as if my touch meant nothing to you. Now, it's gone.
For years, you never complimented me on the household repairs I made, keeping up the lawn and garden, cleaning and organizing the garage and the hundreds of things I did to keep our home balanced and running. Now, you can do them.
For years, you complained I didn't do enough housework. Now it's all yours.
For years, you chose not to attend community and social events that were important to me. Now they're not an option.
For years, you expected me to read your mind when you were hurt or upset. Never could, never will.
For years, you punished me with your silence. Now you have plenty.
For years, you would not share information about our kids' schedules, doctor's appointments and so on. Now some attorneys will help you polish your communication skills.
For years, I chose to love you, protect you, provide for you, confide in you, and have fun with you. Now, I don't.
For years, you behaved as a long-suffering martyr. Now you can be one.
For years, I chose to raise
your
son as my own. Now, he's hurting.
For years, you treated me as the lesser parent. Now I am.
For years, our precious young daughter has watched this debacle. What do you think she's learned?
For years....
P.S. I bought and read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" months ago, and asked my wife to read it with me. She laughed."(Signed)Still My Kids' Dadin Southern CaliforniaStaff2010-05-13T07:58:20ZReligious Evil and Religious Evil-DoersStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Religious-Evil-and-Religious-Evil-Doers/794.html2010-05-13T07:58:19Z2010-05-13T07:58:19Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Forgive my rage, but a lawsuit is the most gentle response I can think of for what I’d like to have happen to the members and leaders of the Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas. These pseudo-pious creeps traverse America showing up at the funerals of our fallen military carrying signs that read “Thank God for dead soldiers” sent to fight for the “United States of Sodomy.” They believe that the death of US servicemen and women in Iraq is God’s punishment for this country’s “tolerance of homosexuality.” Townsfolk from across the land, local police and firefighters, Patriot Guard bikers and others have shown up each time to try to build a compassionate barrier between these vulgar desecrators and the mourning family and friends. These religious types defend their hateful and ugly behavior by protesting that “it is in response to the need for a warning to the country that ‘your wicked ways are going to be your doom shortly.’” Church members say they’re motivated by the fear of God and their need to warn America about its moral decay, rather than a desire to hurt anybody. Oh, please. Of course the issue of free speech (forget responsible or compassionate speech) is at the fore. Last week, a jury ordered the founder of the Westboro Baptist Church and his two daughters to pay $10.9 million to the family of a Marine who died in Iraq, after members of the church picketed his funeral holding signs including “God hates fags,” and “You’re going to hell.” This decision, which is being appealed, is likely to become an important test for what kind of speech is protected by the US Constitution. In addition to the issue of whether or not the Church’s hateful speech was protected, the appeal will also turn on whether Judge Richard Bennett’s instructions to the jury on the First Amendment were too broad. Bennett warned jurors that the protection of free speech has limits, including vulgar, offensive, and shocking statements and that the jury had to decide whether Westboro’s actions would be highly offensive to a “reasonable person,” and whether these actions were so offensive and shocking as to not be entitled to First Amendment protection. Sounds like a slam dunk to any reasonable person, and the jury obviously agreed. Our fallen heroes deserve our respect, especially at their funerals, which is something we should all remember this Veterans’ Day holiday.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:19ZSave The Flag-Folding Recitations at Military FuneralsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Save-The-Flag-Folding-Recitations-at-Military-Funerals/795.html2010-05-13T07:58:17Z2010-05-13T07:58:17Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>This is a "huzzah" to a bunch of Democrats for doing the right thing, and we have to join them. A group of Congressmen has asked the Department of Veterans' Affairs to reconsider its obnoxious, disgusting, and horrible ban on the flag-folding ceremony at military funerals, after the agency decided last month to "streamline" burials at Federal cemeteries. It gets worse.However, the attempt to jerk their heads around in the right direction is being led by Representative Heath Shuler (D-NC). He wrote a letter to the head of the Department of Veterans' Affairs which said:
Dear Acting Secretary Mansfield:
We are writing to express our concern regarding recently announced policies banning the traditional flag-folding recitations by Memorial Honor Detail volunteers.
The flag-folding recitation is a long-standing tradition which brings comfort to the living and honor to the deceased. The recitations accompanying each fold pay tribute to the service and sacrifice of our veterans and their families, the nation they proudly serve, and the belief that they hold dear.
As our nation loses 1,500 World War II veterans every day, we feel that it is vital to insure that the final rites for these American heroes will be permitted to include the freedoms of speech and religious expression enshrined in our Constitution, and defended by their service.
We ask that you please reconsider the policy and allow the Memorial Honor Detail volunteers to perform the traditional flag-folding recitation if requested by the family of the deceased...
Now this letter was co-signed, and I want to give kudos to the representatives who co-signed it, and they're all Democrats. Ask me where the Republicans are on this. I don't know - maybe nobody called them up. But it's co-signed by Representative Chris Carney (D-PA), Brad Ellsworth (D-IN)...and these are all great guys for doing this...Baron Hill (D-IN), Tim Holden (D-PA), Nick Lampson (D-TX), Jim Marshall (D-GA), Jim Matheson (D-UT), Mick McIntyre (D-NC), Mike Ross (D-AR), Gene Taylor (D-MS), and John Tanner (D-TN).Now I want to give you the second part of the problem, and it's so obnoxious, that it's hard for me to even write. By the way, there's nothing in the Constitution that bans religion. Our Constitution disallows the state to have a religion that we all have to follow, but it doesn't ban religion. That is so abused by the atheists trying to take God out of everything, that I'm tired of it, and we have to fight back. This is the moment to fight back, and I'll give you the address on how to do it.A complaint -
one, lousy complaint....one!
- made this happen. The complaint about the recitation for the 11th fold, which says
"in the eyes of a Hebrew citizen, represents the lower portion of the seal of King David and King Solomon, and glorifies, in their eyes, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob"
garnered a complaint at the California cemetery and prompted the ban. One lousy comment!By the way, the 12th fold recitation is geared to Christians, saying
"the fold represents an emblem of eternity and glorifies in their eyes God the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost."
It's just terrible...just terrible, as one World War II Navy veteran, Bobby Castillo, 85, said: "It's a slap in the face to every veteran. When we got back from the war, we didn't ask for a whole lot. We just want to give our veterans the respect they deserve. No one has ever complained about us. I just don't understand." He is part of a 16-member detail that has performed military honors at more than 1,400 services. They were preparing to read the flag-folding remarks at the Riverside (CA) cemetery when graveyard staff stopped them. Charlie Waters, parliamentarian for the American Legion of California said he's advising Memorial Honor Details to ignore the edict. "This is nuts," Walter said. "There are 26 million veterans in this country and they're not going to take us all to prison."So, I'm very grateful to Representative Heath Shuler (D-NC), and I think we have to join in turning this around. This is disgusting. You take a tradition that's been going on for so long, and because
one
person doesn't want to hear "God," it stops? No. Let's turn this around. Turn this completely around, and this is how you're going to do it. You have to be polite, so send your letters to:The Honorable Gordon H. MansfieldActing Secretary of Veterans Affairs810 Vermont Avenue, N.W.Washington, DC 20420Phone: 202-273-4817Email:
Gordon.Mansfield@va.gov
Send a letter, make a phone call, and send an email. I want this man inundated. I want millions of you to do this, to counteract
one
person who thinks they can rip God out of the universe, when our Constitution does not demand that.All of this information is on my website
www.drlaura.com//action/index.html?mode=view&tile=1&id=14918
. I am unbelievably grateful to these dozen Democrats who stood up to the plate immediately. "Hoo-ah" to all of them!UPDATEWe spoke to Congressman Shuler's office and they're still going forward with legislation to rescind this order. While the "clarification" from the Department of Veterans Affairs only covers volunteer honor guards, many of the cemeteries have Federal employees performing the flag-folding. In addition, we heard from a soldier currently serving on a state Honor Guard, who told us that they often work in co-operation with local Veterans Service Organizations' honor guards. The Veterans Service Organizations not only donate their time, but they have to maintain their uniforms, pay for gas to get to the funerals, pay for blank ammunition and weapon servicing. They're supposed to be paid a small amount for their services, but while Congress has authorized the program to do this, they haven't actually funded it. We need to do a lot more to honor our veterans, both living and deceased.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:17ZHelping Children During and After the FiresStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Helping-Children-During-and-After-the-Fires/796.html2010-05-13T07:58:15Z2010-05-13T07:58:15Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Like most people in this country, I have been glued to the television coverage of the fires raging through San Diego, Orange County, Los Angeles, etc. Unlike many of you, I just need to look out my kitchen window to see and smell the eerie smoky brown sky that hangs over my neighborhood. From this vantage point I can understand the fear and shock that is consuming the millions who are experiencing up close and very personally the ravages of Mother Nature. Much of the California coastline is burning. Almost one million people have been evacuated and over one thousand homes and some communities have been burned to the ground. An unknown number of people have died and scores have been injured; mostly firefighters. People are living out of their cars, in the homes of friends, relatives or gracious strangers; hotels are crammed, and thousands are in stadiums. What is remarkable about this disaster is how well San Diego has handled this. The local government got right into gear with evacuations, physical support and fire-fighting; the people, although devastated, have been cooperative, positive, virtually non-complaining, non-violent, and mutually supportive. Charitable and supportive donations from people far and wide have been administered successfully. No hysteria, blaming, or violence. Listening to the stories of gratitude in the midst of hardship has been inspiring. Nonetheless, it is important to consider the longer term emotional and psychological issues resulting from this disaster, the largest in California's history. My family survived a house-fire in the early '90's. A faulty electrical connection in a socket sent a spark across the room onto a bed and in mere seconds the entire room was ablaze. I tried to put the fire out and realized that the fumes and smoke were even more dangerous. I called the Fire Department immediately, grabbed my wallet and my son and left the house. Between the flames and the efforts of the Fire Department, our house was totaled but without damage to our neighbors. We lost just about everything. Our first reaction was shock. It was difficult to absorb being in a home one moment, and standing in front of a burning building in the next. For the most part, the people involved in the California fires have whole neighborhoods that are gone and don't seem to have the option of "continuing with life." Their stresses, grief, and fears will need to be addressed. Most people are ultimately quite resilient, and after months of reasonable, normal hyper-emotional reactions, get back into life without long-lasting impact. Children are more vulnerable to these disasters and special attention needs to be paid to their well-being. The more up-front and personal the exposure to the disaster, the greater the post-disaster impact will be. The loss of a home and destruction of a community are obviously high-distress events leading to grief and trauma. Children under the age of 2 have little real understanding of what has happened and don't have life experiences to tap into to give them a sense of immediate or future safety. They pretty much are experiencing sensory overload as the sights, sounds, smells stay imprinted in their young minds and may be activated in the future. Also, children of this age are not equipped to discuss their fears. It is very important that small children not be separated from their parents during these disasters. The parents are the ultimate security and measure by which they will react; if parents stay calm, children feel more reassured. Children up to age five may start regressing in their behavior because of their confusion and fear. They may have nightmares, stop eating and sleeping, and report stomach aches which are really a sign of distress. To assist young children:1. Give verbal reassurance and physical comfort2. Try to keep eating and sleeping routines intact3. Avoid being separated from them because of the comfort they need from you and because they fear abandonment.4. Let them talk and talk and talk and talk about what they feel, especially about losing pets, their toys, etc.5. Try to minimize their exposure to images of fires on television and any other disturbing input.6. Get them playing -- this will be good for them and for you! School age children can become obsessed with their fears over these events. This would be a good time for you not to be so concerned with your expectations of proper behavior and performance in school (if they have access) and with you. However, while it is important for you to let them talk again and again about the disaster and their opinions and feelings, you should also set some gentle limits on "acting-out" behaviors of anger, and so forth. It might be good to say something like, "You know, it is quite reasonable for all of us to be angry or feeling kind of crazy over what's happened. Let's keep 'showing it' to five minutes each hour or so, then the rest of the time we can make plans, take a walk, figure out meals, play a game, sing a song, help somebody else..." Allow school-aged children to participate in actions geared to "take care of immediate business." That way they have a sense of power in a seemingly powerless situation and feel useful - which is a positive and rewarding experience. Some children may be slow to show distress, taking weeks or months for signs or symptoms of their distress to appear. Don't push for "feelings" to be expressed; instead, be watchful of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) depression: persistent sad or irritable mood, loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, a significant change in appetite or body weight, difficulty sleeping or oversleeping, loss of energy, feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt, difficulty concentration and/or recurrent thoughts of death or suicide. Five or more of these symptoms over several weeks may indicate a need for professional intervention. Remember, supportive parents, friends, family members, teachers, and other adults make all the difference in the ability of children to cope with disaster. For more information, click on: "
Helping Children Handle Disaster-Related Anxiety - National Mental Health Association
"To hear Dr. Laura in an on-air interview with KFI-AM regarding this issue,
click hereStaff2010-05-13T07:58:15ZMy Weekend With the Wonderful People of NorfolkStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/My-Weekend-With-the-Wonderful-People-of-Norfolk/797.html2010-05-13T07:58:13Z2010-05-13T07:58:13Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I was thrilled when the good folks at WTAR AM in Norfolk, Virginia invited me to join their annual Talkfest and chose my favorite charity, Operation Family Fund, to be the recipient of all the fundraising events. Well, I am reminded of that expression, "Be careful what you ask for because you might get it!" I spent the better part of the last week flying to Norfolk, flying around Norfolk and flying back from Norfolk. This weekend I felt I was a whirling dervish, swept up in a crush of activities to raise awareness and funds for Operation Family Fund. For those of you who haven't listened to my radio show in the last 4 years, OFF (
OperationFamilyFund.org
)is a non-profit which gives 100% of every dollar donated to the families of our fallen or severely injured military heroes who served in the War Against Terror. And in the midst of the packed schedule, I broadcast my radio program from
WTAR
Radio studios (owned by
Sinclair Communications
). I can't say enough about how professional and cuddly everyone was. It is tough to do three intense and intimate hours of radio outside of my "nest," so it is very important that the environment be cozy. Friday morning I was on a tour of the
USS Dwight D. Eisenhower
and enjoyed lunch with Commanding Officer, Capt. Dan Cloyd and Rear Admiral Phil Cullom. When we were on the bridge, everyone expected me to make a bee-line for the Captain's chair - but NO - I went straight for the steering wheel! Imagine my surprise when I discovered that the steering wheel on a huge aircraft carrier is about the same size as the one in my SUV! It goes to show you that small things can steer large objects. That evening, several hundred people came to the "Help, Hope & Heroes" dinner at
La Galleria Ristorante
(120 College Place) in Norfolk. Fabulous, fabulous, fabulous food.
Clark Howard
,
George Noory
, and
Glenn Beck
were there to support the silent auction for Operation Family Fund. I even bid on a glass putter (to be a gift for one of my colleagues) but got outbid at the last second. Saturday morning, WTAR held its annual TALKFEST, and while
Sean Hannity
was on stage giving a talk, I rode in on the back of
WNIS
Radio's morning co-host Dave Parker's hot motorcycle. Sean was his usual adorable and generous self and offered $20,000.to Operation Family Fund if I took off my pink Harley Davidson jacket, signed it and then made it available to one of his audience members via a drawing. At noon on Saturday, I went to
Hampton Roads Harley-Davidson
, hooked up with several hundred (mostly Harley) bikers, and off we went for a "Bikers for the Brave" ride. Staying in the spirit of wanting to give the shirt off my back for our brave warriors, I auctioned off my white and pink Harley helmet. The biker folks were wonderful -- I want to tell you - if you want to be around a group of kind, fun, warm, generous and patriotic folks - get yourself a motorcycle and join just about any club in the USA. After the ride, I was off to the Convocation Center for my talk and a live auction - with brilliant auctioneer Ed Zedd raising more than $8,000; this included one of my custom necklaces (designed and constructed solely by me). We had a color guard from the USS Eisenhower and a lovely solo performance of the Star Spangled Banner.
Trane Dealers
worked with all their people and raised almost $20,000. The only sour note was when some sub-human lowlife broke into
Tony and Robin Alexander's Natural Hair Image Salon
and robbed them of almost $3,000 they had collected from customers for weeks to give to OFF. When the local ABC TV affiliate
WVEC
ran their story on the Friday evening news, hundreds of local Virginians rushed to help and have since given more than what was stolen. And I'm sending them a check to cover the loss as well. All told, the weekend raised more than $80,000 for our wounded warriors. After my hour Q & A with the TALKFEST audience, I signed some programs and books, then slept my way 3000 miles back to my bed by 3 AM. So I'm tired, but I'm happy that so many people took time out of their busy, busy, busy lives to help a worthy cause. God bless our military and their families - without them we wouldn't be the land of the free.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:13ZThe Real Meaning of "Choice"Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Real-Meaning-of-Choice/798.html2010-05-13T07:58:12Z2010-05-13T07:58:12Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I had an experience recently I will not soon forget. I had a conversation with a woman with whom I've become quite friendly who told me a fascinating story. She was adopted. Although she is very close to and loving with her adoptive family, she was quite interested in knowing something about her birth mother and father - for medical history reasons (I never quite believe that, considering the technology available today for diagnoses) and for curiosity's sake. She realized and accepted that there would probably be "the good, the bad, and the ugly" to learn, and she was right.She found her birth mother to be an unstable sort with a number of children from a number of men. The turning point of her life was when she had her first conversation with her birth father on the phone.He cried with joy that she had contacted him. He told her that her birth mother had planned to abort her but he paid money to her and paid for all the adopting costs to spare her life. Shocked, she told her husband and children about this revelation, and they were all so grateful for one man's commitment to life."In listening to all my friends and family telling me what they would have missed had I never been, I completely changed my position of being so-called 'pro-choice," she told me.Suddenly there is clarity: a human being who impacts the world in some unique and meaningful way is obliterated before they have an opportunity to do their part to perfect the world.When it 's YOU who could have been aborted, suddenly the issue of cavalierly terminating a human life gets put in a bigger perspective than one woman saying, "I just don't want
'it'
-
'it'
being a human being.The same day I had this conversation I received this email to my program:
"You asked a female caller today if she was pro-abortion. THANK YOU for using that phrase. Who do pro-abortionists think they are that they can hijack the word 'choice?' I LOVE choices, but I'm against abortion. You and I both know the only valid choice other than adoption comes
before
conception, not after.
Abortion has nothing to do with choices. American women have all the choices in the world!: the choice to have or not have sex with a man who is not her husband, the choice to use birth control, and a million choices therein. Why is it they claim that unless they ALSO have the choice to kill their unborn babies that they have no choice? Huh? American women have all the choices they need and have a right to have, regardless of whether they are also able to suck the unborn babies out of their bodies and down the drain.
I take back the word 'choice.' I won't let the pro-abortionists have that word anymore. I'm PRO-CHOICE. I LOVE choices. But I'm against abortion. And I won't let anyone rob me of the word 'choice' so that they can use it to justify killing babies."
-- Shannon, St. Louis.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:12ZIs Marriage Becoming Just Independent Roommates with Sex?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Is-Marriage-Becoming-Just-Independent-Roommates-with-Sex/800.html2010-05-13T07:58:10Z2010-05-13T07:58:10ZStaff2010-05-13T07:58:10ZWhen Personal Horrors Become Family DisastersStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/When-Personal-Horrors-Become-Family-Disasters/801.html2010-05-13T07:58:09Z2010-05-13T07:58:09Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Unfortunately, bad things happen sometimes. Some of those bad things are forces of nature: hurricanes, mudslides, tornados, earthquakes, and disease. While life, death, loss, and injury are horrendous experiences to deal with, psychologically we are somewhat more philosophical about these encounters with horror because they aren't "personal." "Personal" horrors, on the other hand, include intentional harm to the body, soul, property, psychological well-being and reputation of another for political, egotistical, or financial gain - or for the simple pleasure derived from having the power to destroy. These experiences turn out to be more difficult to cope with, because they are not seen as "the stuff that could and has happened to anyone." In addition, there is great compassion and sympathy for those struck by nature, while a profound
fear
of helping is the general response to personal attacks on an innocent party, lest one get caught in the sights of the evil-doer. Therefore, the support necessary is often less in size and strength - which adds ongoing injury to the already damaged person. The evolution of talk radio and television news from information to confrontation, as well as the loss of any ethical foundation of print media (newspapers and magazines) and the unleashing of anonymous venom on the internet and blogs, have served not only to destroy reputations with undocumented vicious gossip, but have lowered the level of discourse and civility to an unbelievably dangerous level. Decent folks who wish to serve their country in the military, politics, social work and other public arenas, become fodder for indecent attacks based upon ideology, with the sole purpose of eliminating their voices and ability to function. Gone is the civility of negotiations, arbitrations, discussions, and debates. Soon, only the indecent will reign. Al Qaeda, the Taliban, Hezbollah, etc., have only to wait; we are destroying our own society. Our American society is becoming alarming ugly and dangerous. How does a family and its members survive? It is difficult - and sometimes barely possible. When bad things happen the first reaction of most family members is a kind of "shock," in which people seem not to be that upset - it is more a reaction of disbelief or a sense of not really comprehending the situation. Once the truth and reality become tangible, that's when the pain, grief, hurt, fear and anxiety set in. If the situation appears hopeless, and the people involved feel helpless to protect themselves or their loved ones, a horrible depression infiltrates every bone of their bodies. This is a critical time for a family. It is at this time that intervention by meaningful intimates is absolutely crucial. It is at this terrible time that people often contemplate direct or indirect suicide: driving a car over a cliff or overdosing with some dangerous medication. Family members might turn against each other; imagining that they alone are really feeling the pain and that the other doesn't really understand and can't help. When the enemy is nature or an evil-doer, it is often difficult or impossible to get revenge or justice. That concern alone sometimes leaves people lashing out where they can: on family. What most folks truly need at a time like this is three-fold. Number 1: complete support and expression of understanding for the magnitude of the painful situation. That means you don't placate, minimize, patronize with fairy dust, try to distract with cheerful activities, or attempt to whitewash with "perspective," like there is worse happening in India. Instead, you need to hug and acknowledge that this is, indeed s**t and they are justified to be feeling every horrible feeling they're going through. When, for example, people call my radio program telling me of their horrendous emotional state in reaction to some horrible assault, I tell them, "That is a reasonable response to an unreasonable situation." In other words, you validate the truthfulness of their perception and response. You must validate the truth of their reality or you run the risk of making them feel "more crazy." Number 2: you must make sure they get some food for strength and sugar in their blood stream to avoid headaches and deeper depression; you must get them to sleep even if it means temporarily using sleep medications (over the counter types if at all possible), and depending on their level of despair, make sure they are watched just in case a temporary despondency might lead to them hurting themselves. Number 3: you must get advice for a "game plan" that deals with the situation. This gives the family member "hope" and relieves some of the "helplessness." This stage of reaction is usually associated with anger; that anger has to be controlled and focused in a positive direction - one that will not add to the problem, but will ultimately approach justice. Our society has become, as I said earlier, a meaner, harsher, and more dangerous place than ever before. I don't know what can turn it back. I mourn for the America that was the safe haven of the world.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:09ZIndependence DayStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Independence-Day/802.html2010-05-13T07:58:07Z2010-05-13T07:58:07Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>231 years ago, the Declaration of Independence was signed, but it wasn't until seven years later, in 1783, that the war was over and the United States of America was officially free of British rule. We commemorate a lot of things on July 4th - the signing of that most important document, the birth of a new nation, and the freedom that we've been able to enjoy since Thomas Jefferson wrote of "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." For this holiday, I'm turning my blog over to my listeners - below are excerpts from letters and emails I've received reminding us all about what it means to be an American, and how we should value those who defend those rights we hold so dearly.
...there are still plenty of Americans that are thankful and proud of what [our sons and daughters are] willing to do for us. We are not so stupid and foolish as to think that if this country was without a military, we would be able to lead the lives and have the freedoms and "luxuries" (like running water and electricity) that most Americans take for granted as a "right" instead of realizing that [these are] privileges that most inhabitants of this planet do not enjoy....These are truly times that try men's souls. Thanks to all military families for their service from a STILL proud American!!! -- Glenda
I am a US Marine Corps veteran. I am a woman, standing 5'3", 110 pounds. I served my country for four years, prior to getting married and having children, and it is one of my proudest accomplishments (of course, my family ranks #1). Because of my service, I am a strong, independent, and educated woman. I am a better wife and mother for having served. The military is an excellent place to find your inner strength, and having been there, I know that I can accomplish anything. -- Mikayla
Today we said goodbye to one of our own, Marine Sergeant Stephen Wilson. I did not know him, but attended the services to show my support for the men and women serving our country. When I arrived at the church, the streets were lined with flags and supporters. I was handed a small American flag, and I entered the parking lot. The motorcycle Vietnam veterans accompanied the hearse and there were veterans there en masse.
The service was beautiful, and what stands out in my mind was Stephen's best friend. They grew up together and joined the Marines together. In his remarks, he wanted to convey what Stephen would have said. He said he would have asked what America meant to the soldiers. He continued that many would say "freedom," but Stephen would have said "you," as he pointed to the audience. Stephen would have said we do this because of you, the people we love. It was so incredible and powerful!
After the service, I went around and introduced myself to each and every Marine and thanked them for their service. Several got tears in their eyes. I was looking into the souls of MEN, not boys. One Marine told me he had gotten there the previous night and had gotten lost. He stopped to get directions, and when the woman found out why he was here, she took him home, cooked dinner for him, and invited in friends. He was overwhelmed with their love and generosity.
Dr. Laura, you would not believe how many wonderful, loving, caring people here love our country and our brave men and women that serve. May God bless them and never forget they are doing it for us. -- Terri; Discovery Bay, CAStaff2010-05-13T07:58:07ZWhat Happened to Civility?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-Happened-to-Civility/803.html2010-05-13T07:58:06Z2010-05-13T07:58:06Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>This week, I'm turning over my blog to a guest. A few weeks ago, after a comment I made on-the-air regarding civility, I got an e-mail from Joe Hanlon, whose message I could not improve upon. So, with his permission, I've decided to share his words with you. Welcome, Joe, our first guest blogger:
Hi, Dr. Laura!
Long-time listener, first time emailer. Well, I try to listen as much as I can, but as a math teacher, I'm usually a tad busy when you are on the air. I catch the last ten minutes of your show on XM a lot.
I caught those last ten minutes today, and heard your comments on civility. As usual, my reaction to your commentary was "Right on!" The Internet IS ruining civility by allowing people to say the rudest things under the cover of anonymity and just because they can. Programs like "The View" foster incivility because rudeness garners ratings and makes money. The problem is that incivility is oozing out from television and the Internet into everyday discourse, often resulting in harsher, and sometimes physical, incivility.
I tried to stem this tide. I stuck my finger in this Internet dike by creating a site called, appropriately to this subject, "Civility." Previously, I had been posting on a sports team site on topics ranging from the team to baseball in general to politics to religion. Unfortunately, it is impossible to discuss any of these topics on the Internet without being verbally assaulted with rudeness, name-calling, and vulgarity. Unfortunately, my reaction was often in kind (or should I say in "Unkind?").
I didn't like my Internet persona. It was very different from my live personality. In real life, I have very strong opinions and often state them matter-of-factly, but am always careful not to rudely attack the person I am talking to, nor to use profanity. I naively thought that changing my Internet personality would keep me out of "flame wars" and allow me to participate in heated, but civil, debates. Wrong.
So, I tried to start a message board whose goal was to promote strong debate while remaining civil. It worked to the extent that we had several debates in which disagreements were profound, but incivility was kept to an unheard-of minimum. It failed in the sense that I couldn't keep it going. Over time, I had more members joining trying to sell Viagra and pornography than I had members who wanted to debate the hot topics of the day. I had to move the site to lose the trolls, but the few remaining members didn't follow. The site still exists, but has nothing recent posted. If you'd like to check it out, it's at
www.civility.eye95.org
.
The point is that civility doesn't sell. Sadly, incivility does.
I still post on the sports site. I liberally use the "ignore" feature (which means that over half the posts are invisible to me), and I try to remain civil at all times. I have less [of a] problem with people being uncivil to me; they now know that I won't fight back (often referred to as "defending" oneself) and that I will simply ignore them.
People who want to be civil have to learn how to live in an uncivil world without becoming infected. It is hard. Unfortunately, changing the rest of the world does not seem to be an option. I keep trying to have some small effect, though. But, being an idealist is hard, too.
Keep changing the world, one listener at a time.
JoeStaff2010-05-13T07:58:06ZA Moral And Ethical Dilemma For Abortion Rights Supporters?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-Moral-And-Ethical-Dilemma-For-Abortion-Rights-Supporters/804.html2010-05-13T07:58:05Z2010-05-13T07:58:05Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>What a conundrum for liberals who support any and all abortions at any time for any reason under the rubric of "pro-choice" freedoms. Liberals are also supposedly for diversity. Well, here's the problem: If a woman is free to abort the human being developing in her body for any whim, shouldn't she be able to abort the baby if it has been genetically tested and the results are not "pleasing?"The
New York Times "Week in Review"
"Prenatal Tests + Abortion = ???"
(May 13, 2007) dealt with this growing concern about pro-choice abortion morality and ethics:
"Abortion rights supporters - who believe that a woman has the right to make decisions about her own body-have had to grapple with the reality that the right to choose may well be used selectively to abort fetuses deemed genetically undesirable. And many are finding that, while they support a woman's right to have an abortion if she does not want to have a baby, they are less comfortable when abortion is used by women who don't want to have a particular baby."
Two "liberal values" are on a collision course. The first is, of course, the right to terminate fetal life at will. The second is the freedom to abort children on the basis of gender, sexual orientation, disabilities, intelligence, and future illnesses (certain cancers and arthritis) when the liberal mantra is supposedly "pro diversity."
"Kirsten Moore [the article continues], president of the pro-choice Reproductive Health Technologies Project, said that when members of her staff recently discussed whether to recommend that any prenatal tests be banned, they found it impossible to draw a line - even at sex selection, which almost all found morally repugnant. 'We all had our own zones of discomfort, but still couldn't quite bring ourselves to say 'here's the line, firm and clear' because that is the core of the pro-choice philosophy,' she said. 'You can never make that decision for someone else."
This puts pro-abortion liberals in a quandary. As more pre-natal genetic testing becomes available, more folks will have the ability to "design" a baby. They will probably choose against much of the core constituency that political liberals have worked hard on to fortify their ideological base. Very interesting.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:05ZSetting The Record Straight On Military WivesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Setting-The-Record-Straight-On-Military-Wives/805.html2010-05-13T07:58:04Z2010-05-13T07:58:04Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>On Friday, May 11th, I was in Salt Lake City doing my radio program at Fort Douglas to honor Military Moms for Mother's Day. Just before the three-hour live broadcast, I was interviewed by Matthew D. LaPlante for the Salt Lake Tribune; ostensibly about Military Moms. I don't remember him asking me even one question about that. His article was published the next day with the headline, "
Dr. Laura to G.I. wives: No Whining
." Although this interview went over one-half hour, and I covered a wide range of subjects pertinent to military families and the war, he chose a comment, one that I've made before many times on the air, to make the primary focus of his article - and, he took it out of the entire context of my remarks. I am so deeply sad and disappointed that this out of context comment appears to have caused hurt and pain to military spouses - people that I've spent so much time helping. I am frustrated that people who haven't heard my program would be misled as to my attitude and intent. I am a military mom. I whine to my husband every day about how scared I am for my son and how helpless I feel to protect his body and soul. However, I never whine to my son when he is able to call between missions. That, and only that, is my point. Of course military spouses endure fear and domestic burdens. Of course they often need emotional support and practical assistance. As I said to the reporter, and many times on my program, family services, clergy, family, friends, and the camaraderie of other military spouses are available outlets. However, burdening one's warrior spouse with your fears, upsets, loneliness, etc., is a huge mistake as it demoralizes the warrior and thereby undermines their concentration while they are in life-death situations. It is also true that when a soldier is in combat, his family must remember that anything they are going through needs to be perceived in the context of the fact that they are not dodging bullets and tip-toeing around IEDs. I know that when I get upset about things in my life, I think about my son and what he is facing that he can't walk away from, then I have a cup of coffee and go for a relaxing sail. It puts me back into a less "poor me" perspective. And that is what I have conveyed to millions of folks on my radio program. Warrior wives, as I refer to them, need to be independent, compassionate, mature, selfless, strong, competent, supportive and well-connected to family, friends, and church - because their men are in daily life-and-death situations and need the reassurance of their woman's loyalty, love, and strength to survive. I have been a major cheerleader for all the members of military families. That's why I have raised over $500,000. for Operation Family Fund (which provides financial assistance to families of fallen or severely injured military) as well as trips such as this last one to Salt Lake City to support Military Moms before Mother's Day. I have met Blue, Silver and Gold Star Moms. It is humbling to see them all proud and mutually supportive, even when suffering. I am inspired by family members who lovingly and patriotically sacrifice to support one of their own who volunteered for service to their country and families. Military folks and their families are a breed apart as they live with the threat of death, for the promise of freedom for complete strangers. We should all be respectful and very grateful.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:04ZWhere's a Good Firing When You Need One?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Wheres-a-Good-Firing-When-You-Need-One/806.html2010-05-13T07:58:03Z2010-05-13T07:58:03Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>As I've written in a prior blog, I agreed with the firing of Imus. His decades of uncivil remarks for "entertainment" (his word) needed to come to a close. I hope this is just the beginning of firing folks for hateful remarks. Let's go to that peace and groovy love group, "Rage Against the Machine." In a recent concert in the Coachella Valley in California, lead singer-rapper Zack de la Rocha shouted, "This current administration....should be tried and hung and shot." He also likened President Bush to a Nazi war criminal. I don't think Zack ever walked through Dachau concentration camp while it was in operation or since. I did. I realized that as a half-Jew I would have died in one of the ovens and my body thrown in a pit, had it not been for an accident of my birth coming after the war. That comparison as well as the death declaration should be enough to fire Zack. He meant it - Imus was just being a righteous jerk.Another individual ripe for firing should be Sheik Ahmad Bahr, acting Speaker of the Palestinian Legislative Council. He is reported to have declared during a Friday sermon at a Sudan mosque that America and Israel will be annihilated, and "called upon Allah to kill Jews and Americans 'to the very last one.' He meant that. Imus was just being a righteous jerk.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:03ZMaking Judgments About The Supreme Court's Latest Decision About AbortionStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Making-Judgments-About-The-Supreme-Courts-Latest-Decision-About-Abortion/807.html2010-05-13T07:58:02Z2010-05-13T07:58:02Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I just about lost it reading Linda P. Campbell's syndicated column (
www.realcities.com/mld/dfw/news/columnists/linda_campbell/17137857/17137857.htm
) about the Supreme Court's abortion decision not being simple or neat. Let me take some of her points one by one, as she explains her abhorrence of any controls over any abortion, in addition to the barbaric sucking out of a baby's brain after the head emerges from the birth canal (partial birth abortion). First, she says "
And of course, a woman who's about to undergo an abortion ought to understand the details, risks and implications just as much as she should before a tummy tuck, hip replacement, or appendectomy
."All those procedures require an office visit and an explanation of the process, and then a new appointment for the procedure. Call any Planned Parenthood you like - or walk in, and you can get an abortion right then and there, as long as it isn't too busy. Planned Parenthood, NOW (the National Organization of "I don't know what kind of " Women) and other "feminist" organizations have always been against the waiting period, a sonogram to show the baby's level of development, or a discussion about the benefits of giving life and finding a suitable two-parent, married mom and dad family for adoption.Second, she says, "
I can't imagine the circumstances that would cause a woman to choose abortion. But I can appreciate that each one who does has reasons that only she can reconcile with her conscience
."I have been on radio taking calls from slightly more than 50% women for 32 years. I know why women have abortions, because they've called. It is rarely because of severe anomalies or life-threatening circumstances. It is generally because of "circumstances," usually meaning the one-night stand, casual boyfriend, fiancé, or sometimes husband doesn't want a child or else dumps them.Ms. Campbell continues:
"It's all too tempting to make judgments about which motives we consider justified and which we don't. But then we risk wandering into scary territory. How far do we want to let lawmakers and zealots reach into our most personal and private decisions when they haven't a clue about what's best for us?"
What??
We should make no judgments about motivations to kill another human being? Self-defense in an armed robbery deserves the same respect as the intentional murder of innocents by a suicide-bombing? A woman who keeps having casual sex and uses abortion as birth control can't be judged differently from a pregnant woman with a serious heart problem who might die if the pregnancy goes to term?I, for one, am sick and tired with the "nothing should be judged" nonsense. Of course we judge - that's how we make decisions and choices every day. To judge is to discern good from evil, right from wrong, and selfish from selfless. Without that, we are just lower animals.Abortions out of shame, embarrassment, or inconvenience are a horrible, despicable disaster. An Abortion to save the life of the mother is self-defense. There. I dared to judge.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:02ZA Lesson From The Massacre At Virginia TechStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-Lesson-From-The-Massacre-At-Virginia-Tech/808.html2010-05-13T07:58:01Z2010-05-13T07:58:01Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I am "the proud mother of a deployed American paratrooper," and because of that fact I have, perhaps, a unique perspective on the massacre at Virginia Tech. As a mother I, of course, thought about how horrendous this whole nightmare is to the families of the victims as well as all the emotional damage to the survivors. From listening to the reports on this heinous occurrence, I heard repeatedly that the shooter had to reload several times and went from classroom to classroom. As a military mom, I immediately wished that our young people had the same obligation and experience that all young folks in Israel have: two years of military training and service. Those reloading and trolling periods were windows of opportunity that only young folks trained militarily would have been able to use to subdue or terminate the perp and save many lives. Just in case you're saying, "Well, this doesn't happen that often and is not a substantial reason for universal 2-year training," I've got a further reason to support such training. Radical Islamists and jihadists are already here in the United States. While we have, for better or worse, focused their attention on Iraq and Afghanistan... they will be using their tactics of mass murdering of innocents right here next. It is going to be important that our civilian population have sufficient training and know-how to protect their homes and communities. The following quote came from an Associated Press (April 17, 2007) article entitled,
"Taliban Using Indiscriminate, Iraq-style Tactics, Killing civilians, Rights Group Says."
"I lost my son, brother and nephew because of the Taliban. They say that they are fighting for God and Islam, but they are not; they are killing good and innocent Muslims and Afghans who have done nothing wrong," one man was quoted as saying. I believe every household should have at least one person trained and certified to shoot a gun. I believe every young person between 18 and 20 years of age should be required to receive compulsory military training. Over 70 nations in the world require some level of compulsory military service on the part of their young citizens including countries such as Austria, Brazil, Denmark, Finland, Germany, Israel, Mexico, Norway, Sweden and Switzerland. Why shouldn't the United States be as prepared as these countries? I believe we as Americans should be equipped mentally and physically to protect ourselves, our family, and our Country.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:01ZThe Single/Unwed Mother Club Of AmericaStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/The-Single/Unwed-Mother-Club-Of-America/799.html2010-05-13T07:58:00Z2010-05-13T07:58:00Z<img class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg" alt="Icon" />I recently got an email from a first time "mom to be" about her experiences online as she attempted to find support and information from others in the same situation. She was quite disturbed by what she found, and I offered her the opportunity to be this week's "Guest Blogger" and share her comments with you: Dr. Laura: I cannot thank you enough for being a voice of reason these days. It has recently hit home pretty hard about how "turned around" people have become in their thinking and the decisions they make. I'm 6+ months pregnant with my first child, and was excited to join an online pregnancy club for my birth month. I quickly became sickened as I read the threads that were being posted by other soon-to-be mothers. I read thread after thread of mothers whose boyfriends were cheating on them, and they'd just complain and get sympathy from other soon-to-be mothers (and I use that word very lightly). The overall sympathetic message that kept reverberating was that it is never the woman's fault, and they can't help it that their child's "sperm donor" is such a deadbeat. They encourage each other with strong words and big talk about how they have more than enough love for their child and have absolutely NO need for a father. They even have their own lovely support group for single/unwed mothers, to provide emotional support for these poor unwitting victims of sex. I tried to combat some of these women's comments to no avail. No matter what I posted about how life can be better, and we can make good decisions for our children and that there are other alternatives to give our children what they deserve (i.e., a two parent home), I kept getting absolutely lambasted from every direction: attacked on all sides, called every name, my words twisted and distorted to make it seem like I was the most uncaring, unfeeling person in the world, and had nothing of value to say regarding families. These women didn't need a father to influence their children, period! They certainly didn't need me advocating the importance of fathers or pointing out that we are old enough to make good decisions - for example, not bed-hopping from one creep to another, hurting our children. When I used my own wonderful husband as an example of the great guys that are out there, I was told to give my marriage more time, because it was certain not to last, and boy, then wouldn't I feel stupid for my words! This coming from the future mothers of America. When did we all become victims? When did we give up on making good decisions and become bodies just used for sex and ruining children's lives? I am sickened and disheartened, and I cannot wipe these "threads" from my mind. I couldn't imagine living the kind of lives they live - not out of self-righteousness, as they accuse me of and for which they spit on my ideals - but because life would be devoid of anything decent or holy. I did not realize there was really that kind of emptiness and deprivation in our wonderful country. I thank my parents for keeping me from that kind of a life. Thank you, Dr. Laura, for being a beacon shining through the haze of this new America. The "sperm donors" aren't the ones who are really ruining our society. The single/unwed mother club of America is robbing our future generations of life's purpose, meaning, and love. ElisabethStaff2010-05-13T07:58:00ZDon Imus' Verbal Assault... But What About The Others?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Don-Imus-Verbal-Assault...-But-What-About-The-Others/809.html2010-05-13T07:58:00Z2010-05-13T07:58:00Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>It is understandable that I have received a lot of inquiries about my reaction to Don Imus' problem, as I am also a radio talk show host (32 years) who has taken flack for "objections" to my point of view.The main problem with Imus' comments is that they were in no way taken out of context - they were a direct assault on a group of women for whom the words did not match the reality. In fact, as a woman, and as a woman often under public attack, I am so very proud of the statement given by one of the Rutgers University basketball players: "'I am a woman, and I'm someone's child,' said Kia Vaughn. 'I achieve a lot. And unless they've given this name, a 'ho, a new definition, then that is not what I am.' She stood with her teammates, a row of unbowed, confident women. (
Time, April 12, 2007
)Now that's impressive.However, someone will have to tell me when it was that Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson apologized for their verbal assaults on the Duke lacrosse players who were wrongly accused of rape and battery. When will music stores stop selling Eminem's music, filled with violent, ugly commentary about women and homosexuals? I want also to know when Rosie O'Donnell will get her last paycheck after commentary declaring that America killed its own on 9/11? I'm also curious about all the demeaning, misogynistic, crude and violent lyrics in rap music which flourish in music stores and on television. And gosh, if the ACLU can come out in force to stand behind the Ku Klux Klan and the Aryan Nation, why no peep about Imus? How is it that [Howard] Stern's career can survive to the hundreds of millions in compensation after his wondering out loud why the Columbine murderers did not rape the girls before killing them?Note: There are no problems in the African-American community caused by Imus. Not one. Perhaps black leaders might take note of that and focus in on what is really important: gangs, drugs, and out-of-wedlock children.As for Imus, it would seem his arrogance caught up with him. His remark was insulting, stupid, mean and ugly. It was so seemingly "off-the-cuff," that it felt too casually familiar a thing for him to say.Staff2010-05-13T07:58:00ZBut I Don't "FEEL" Like It!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/But-I-Dont-FEEL-Like-It!/810.html2010-05-13T07:57:58Z2010-05-13T07:57:58Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>"But why should I have to do 'X' when I don't
feel
like it?"That is by far the single most expressed sentiment to excuse oneself from fulfilling obligations to others. Feelings have been elevated from the mercurial and temporary to positions of absolute truth and power. "I
feel
that..." is most always used when one actually is expressing thoughts, beliefs, opinions, guesses, and concerns.One of the most typical problems in marriages is not religion, politics or finances - it's the issue of sexuality. For the most part, the pattern is that a man and woman have a great out-of-wedlock sexual relationship, full of passion and spontaneity. Once married, and especially once children come on the scene, too many women "feel" less and less like being their husband's lover and girlfriend. I have talked to hundreds, if not thousands, of women over the more than thirty years I've been on radio, and the story is always the same: "I'm just too tired...or...annoyed to
feel
like having sex." I ask them what they expect their husbands to do. "Be understanding," they say.I then ask these wives if they would suggest their husbands take advantage of a hooker, Internet porn, or a girlfriend on the side to fulfill their needs for affection and sexual activity. Once I get their attention...I move on to several points:
1. If there is "too much on your plate," cut stuff out.
You cannot properly maintain a marital relationship when you leave almost no time and energy for it. That means that full-time jobs, children, a home, and your parents and friends take up your life and leave no room for the man who would give his life for you. This is also a breach of your vows to love and honor.
2. There are lots of things you don't feel like doing - but you do them anyway because you have obligations to others.
Your husband doesn't feel like visiting your mother, taking you shopping, listening to your repetitive stories and gripes about your sister, going out for tampons, and so forth - but he does it anyway
because he loves you
. Imagine a world where everybody only did what they felt like doing???
3. I never wake up feeling like working out, but I get up anyway.
I put on my workout clothes, get some water, and start pumping weights. Once I get started, I feel very good about what I'm doing and how it is impacting my body. Well, once you get into foreplay, you'll probably start getting into it too! That means you need to take a nice shower or bath, use some sweet-smelling perfume or body powder, put on something adorable and start flirting with your man - it won't take long for you TO FEEL LIKE IT!
4. Life is short - never turn down a perfectly good orgasm- on your death bed, you'll regret it.
There is hardly a better way to reconnect and reaffirm your love and attachment - this is the ultimate bonding technique.
5. You made vows to "love and cherish," so do it or don't expect much in return.
That means, don't call me complaining about no Valentine's or Anniversary present when you haven't treated your man like
your man and your lover
. If you don't make the effort to make him feel special to you - don't expect it in return.Staff2010-05-13T07:57:58ZEncouraging Women To Do The Wrong ThingStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Encouraging-Women-To-Do-The-Wrong-Thing/811.html2010-05-13T07:57:56Z2010-05-13T07:57:56Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>First, full disclosure. Years ago, a journalist from
Vanity Fair
called me. She was supposedly friends for 20 years with my then-chief of staff, and wanted to interview me. And having some brains in my head (I don't trust this stuff), I asked my associate about her, and she said "Y'know, she's been a friend of mine; I'll vouch for her." So, I said 'OK, I'll call her, feel it out, and then make a decision.'I called her, and she gave me a line of lies (that I found out later were a line of lies) about how I was a cultural phenomenon and she wanted to study this sociologically, and understand the points of view about how they became popular (but they weren't), and she gave me this whole line, and I thought "OK, I like the point of view; she's supposedly friends with my chief-of-staff who has known her and says she's a decent person," and I agreed to do it.Meanwhile, my editor at HarperCollins said "Don't. Trust me on this. Don't. Trust me on this. Don't. Trust me on this. Don't." Turns out (I'm going to go back and forth in history a little bit), after the article was out, my editor, who was protecting her source who was a dear friend who worked at
Vanity Fair
, said
"I couldn't tell you because I promised
" - don't you hate those? ---
I couldn't tell you, because I promised, but that
Vanity Fair
, according to my source
(a male who works there, whose name I do not know, or I'd give it right now)
said that they actually had a planning meeting to set me up and do a hatchet piece.
I'm telling you this because I want clarity that what I'm about to say is not vengeance. You've heard me say I love vengeance....I
love
it. Justice, vengeance - all one thing to me.
I love it!
And you've also heard how I want you to go get it, usually by being really nice ('cause that kills the bad guys) and being happy and successful.That woman from
Vanity Fair
came for the first meeting with me and I knew I was in trouble, when I came in and sat down, and she took a look at my figure and disdainfully asked me if I was a size zero, while she was somewhere between fat and obese, and I was trying to get her an appropriate sandwich, but she wanted to eat something with a lot of mayonnaise - I knew there was a problem from that point on, to be honest with you. And I was right. It was just a nasty hatchet piece of people saying gossipy stupid things and it was really mean. The writer's name is Leslie Bennetts.
Really mean
. But I found out way too late that that was
Vanity Fair
's plan - it was their little editorial meeting, according to my editor at HarperCollins who's not there anymore and not related to this. But she didn't tell me in time. She said,
"Well, I warned you!"
A little more information would have been more helpful.The reason I'm bringing this up as disclosure, is that this same person is coming out with a book pretty much telling women not to stay home with their kids. Now, let me say something about women's magazines. By and large, women's magazines completely ignore me. "I am my kid's mom." You'd think one year in 31 years that I've been in the media - that one year I would have been made "Mother of the Year" in one woman's magazine. A couple of years ago, we tried to have a women's magazine "editor and publisher" luncheon with me when one of my new books came out. HarperCollins was going to pay for the lunch, I was going to appear...everybody eats, and I'd do a Q&A. They had to cancel it - nobody would come. Whenever they do articles like on mothers staying home, who do you think in the entire United States you would really think they'd ask for a quote, besides me? It doesn't happen. Okay?So, I want you to know that I've been getting e-mails from you folks about
Ladies Home Journal
and
Glamour
magazine doing a little one-page on this book which is encouraging women to do the wrong thing and be paranoid. Let me just share with you two of these letters. This one is from Christie:
I was appalled today when a friend e-mailed this to me from
Glamour
magazine. The article tells stay-at-home moms that they will become dependent financially and lose themselves. I'm a stay-at-home mom to a beautiful six month old baby girl. I am a wife to a Navy officer (my warrior!), and I am dependent on him. Yet, I know that my family
is dependent on me! My husband and child NEED me
to do the tasks that make our home run smoothly in order to feel
safe, secure and loved!
I thank you for reminding your listeners on a daily basis the importance of being dependent on your spouse in your marriage both ways, and to be your kids' parents.
Yes! That's the part Leslie doesn't seem to get! I don't know what her home life is like, but mutual dependency is a good marriage. This is from Jennifer:
I was appalled at coming across an article in
Ladies Home Journal
(like a rabbit, it keeps multiplying!)
. It's entitled "Why Moms
Should
Work." For women who have quit their jobs to stay home with the kids full-time, here's a reason to think twice. There's a whole page article she writes about why you shouldn't stay home with your kids. You have to read this! I will only tell you the last paragraph of the article. It says: "There's stress attached to everything we do. Women need to accept that it's fine to be a good-enough parent, a good-enough homemaker, a good-enough wife. We have richer, more satisfying lives when we do a reasonably good job at a multiple of tasks, than when we strive for this insane perfectionism in a single, limited role." I was crushed that she called staying at home with your children a limited role. I'm my 7 year old son's mom and the wife of my husband of 10 years. I'm certainly proud of that and firmly believe the reason my life is so good is because of women like you, Dr. Laura. You believe in us, and we praise you for that. I can't thank you enough for your voice, what you do for your country, and thank you for the tools for a happy home. And that includes staying home with our children.
By the way, across the country, young women are jettisoning careers to stay home with their kids. According to
The Wall Street Journal
(printing information from the US Census Bureau), an estimated almost 6 million mothers stayed home to care for their families in 2005 - 1.2 million more than a decade ago. The trend of opting-out has been broader than previously believed, with women at
all
income levels taking job breaks. Meanwhile, Leslie Bennetts is paranoid about divorce, your spouse losing a job, and widowhood, as though the only answer to that was across-the-board "do not be at home, do not take care of your kids, do not be your husband's girlfriend"....get your job, be secure, just in case something horrible happens. Well, my answer to something horrible happening is find another way to deal with it if and when it does, rather than knee-jerking, giving up on your family.Last but not least, I'm going to close with this letter from Yvette:
Thank you so much for your hard-hitting, yet Godly (if I may say so) advice. I had considered divorcing my husband, pursuing a Vice President job within a Fortune 500 Top 50 company, until I recently took your words to heart. My dear and understanding (for the most part) husband and I have been married for over 13 years, and we have a phenomenal 10 year old son. Although I had read many of your insightful books, I still worked 60 or so hours a week. I claim only stupidity, selfish desires and adhering to the current social norm. I have recently been available to listen to your daily broadcast, which is a godsend. Dr. Laura, I am so self-centered, that I was focusing solely on
my
career, impressing
my
boss, scoring
myself
the bigger paycheck, and securing the coveted VP slot, that I put my marriage and motherhood on the back burner. I must say, you have reminded me of my true calling. Thank you so much. I am now about to become my son's mom and my husband's wife. Thank you for helping me realize that no paycheck, no status can take the place of my true calling. For the first time I can remember, I actually apologized to my dear husband for not listening. Dr. Laura, it finally occurred to me that if I don't listen to my husband (who is, by the way, the most selfless person in the world and only has our family's best at heart) I'll never be blessed in the way that God desires. Of course, this occurred while I work. So I have a journey ahead. I know that sometimes we all need something from another person, therefore, please remember that, in reciprocation, I am ready to be of service to you in any way I can.
You go home and take care of your babies. That's how you'll be of service to all the world - a better chance of raising good kids to be decent citizens, to go out and do wonderful things in the world.So, my comments about Leslie Bennetts' book are not vengeance. I have gone on to be happy, functional, secure, and continue with my career. That's my vengeance on what she tried to do. But warning you that women's magazines, and this sort of book, do not function in the best interests of families, children, or women is important to me. Encouraging women to do the wrong thing by making them paranoid about disasters, so they should only strive to be good-enough moms when they're around, good-enough wives if they have the time, but the work is everything, is exactly what for decades and decades women complained their
men
were doing. And paranoid feminists like Leslie Bennetts are telling you to go backwards in history and hurt the family... just like men who were never home and never involved did.Staff2010-05-13T07:57:56ZWhat Kind Of Creeps Would Burn In Effigy A U.S. Soldier?Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/What-Kind-Of-Creeps-Would-Burn-In-Effigy-A-U.S.-Soldier/812.html2010-05-13T07:57:54Z2010-05-13T07:57:54Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I got an e-mail recently which just about made me throw up. I don't throw up easily. I like to keep what's inside of me
there
, unless it's
supposed
to leave, but this pretty much almost put me over the edge, because my baby's over there.This is from Kathleen. She says:
I hope you inform your listeners about the anti-war protestors in Portland who burned in effigy a United States soldier. I can't even find the words that would be printable to describe how I feel.
Well, I have the words, but let me finish her letter:
A car was allowed to pass through a checkpoint in Iraq, because the car had two children in the back seat. The adults got by the checkpoint, left the car, and blew it up, with the children in it.
Now, I realize in my position, I need to behave appropriately as a role model, but I am so enraged that most of America is so damned "wussy-weak" that you people actually allowed protestors in Portland to burn in effigy a US soldier, with not a
greater
counter-demonstration. How could you do that??Let me just explain what kind of bugs, what kind of animals, what kind of creeps would burn in effigy a US soldier? Why aren't they burning in effigy a Muslim terrorist? How about burning in effigy a Muslim terrorist who hides behind civilians, so that when American or international forces have to deal with them, they allow civilians to be killed, and then say, "See? America's bad!" How about burning in effigy a Muslim terrorist who uses children to get through a checkpoint, because they know Americans won't stop or fire on a car with kids, and then they blow the children up as part of a car bomb?Instead, we have bugs in this country like Jane Fonda, Rosie O'Donnell, Martin Sheen, Bill Maher, Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon....the list goes on and on and on in Congress and all over the United States. You've got people blowing up their own people praying, shopping, going to school? These Muslim terrorists are murdering people by the scores every day, and we have people in the United States burning in effigy a US soldier? What in the hell has happened to this country, that we quietly stand by and just go "eh."And another thing....I'm a little tired of CAIR - the Council on American-Islamic Relations. They spend their time, it would appear to me, trying to silence radio, television and print who make any comments about Islam, Muslims, Mohammed - anything - so that everybody will be intimidated into silence. Why? Well I don't think they understand that in this country, we're entitled to opinions. I know in totalitarian theocracies, they're not entitled to opinions except those approved by the state - they're beheaded. I would like to see CAIR mobilize every Muslim in the world to close in on the Middle East and squash the bugs who blow up innocent people praying, shopping, going to school, sleeping in their beds. That's what I want CAIR to spend its time and money on. I hear rumors that CAIR's money goes to terrorism things - I don't have any facts on that - I just hear the rumors. But still, the best way to have good relationships with America is to have all the Muslims in the world stop the terrorists. I am told that the terrorism faction of Islam is very small, so I think that this would be an easy thing for them to do. 98% are pro-peace, pro-love, pro-freedom - go for it! Stop the bugs, so that we don't have to. Stop the people who blow up children for power. Stop the people who blow up the police, the people who clean in the street, and mothers holding their babies. That's what I want to see CAIR do, instead of intimidating talk show hosts all over America. I'm bored with that. I don't know if anybody else is, but I'm bored with that. Scaring people out of speech?So, it's not that I think the protestors in Portland who burned in effigy a US soldier shouldn't have speech rights, but this is so ignorant, so stupid, so off the mark that it should be intolerable to some extent. I know we allow Nazis to parade in the streets, because we're supposed to have free speech - I understand that. But what I don't get is that there wasn't an equal and opposite protest. It's the bad guys who have the giblets, the energy and the will, and if the good guys don't get into gear and stop the bad guys - if the good Muslims don't stop the bad Muslims, if the good Americans don't stop the bad Americans - we're going to lose the world and lose our country, and lose freedom in the world, because we're pretty much the center of it.Burning in effigy a US soldier. Mind you, our young men and women volunteer to live under disgusting conditions, and be paid almost nothing - they have to buy their own freaking uniforms to go into training and into battle -- they come back maimed or dead, changed forever, to free people to create a democracy. And there are people in this country who dare to sneer at that? I'm a proud mother of an American soldier. My boy Is over there risking his life with a bunch of other people's boys and daughters to stop people from blowing up children, blowing up worshippers in a mosque, blowing up people in their villages and in their markets - that's what our children are doing. And for all you morons and creeps and bugs who burned in effigy a US soldier - what are your children doing that's of any value whatsoever?So I'm making a challenge. I want all you decent people who have a grip on reality to get out of your comfortable homes and stand up against this. Come out with your banners, come out with your music, come out with your flags. I want to see Patriot Guard, Hell's Angels, everybody out there on their bikes...whoever. I mean, Rosie O'Donnell on "The View" makes a comment that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, who said he was responsible for beheading Mr. Pearl, who was responsible for 9/11 and all this stuff, she had the nerve to go on her show, using her vast understanding of counterterrorism operations and in-depth knowledge, to cast doubts on his confession, when there is information confirming everything he said from a number of sources. Why is her knee-jerk thing that we're hurting somebody? Does she realize that this guy killed thousands and she's protecting him? Does she not realize that, as a lesbian, she'd be one of the first ones eliminated by these people? They're not very pro-gay rights! Even that doesn't stop her! And I understand somebody else is giving her yet another TV show. Soon, there's going to be nothing on television, in the newspapers, because what is it? What is the percentage of people in this country who can't and don't read?I'm done. I'm done. I don't really care to take time on my radio show to talk "politics." I don't see this as politics. I call this "survival of America." This is way past politics. I don't really give a damn if it's a Democrat or a Republican who gets into office as long as they will protect the United States....with force, if necessary. Gosh darn, we had these kind of morons out there, even in World War II, but they crossed the line, and you have to let them know they crossed the line. Bringing death to our American soldiers who volunteer to protect this country and everybody in it for the right to even be a moron - there has to be a line. I am the proud mother of a deployed American paratrooper. Hoo-ah! And I spit on people who use kids as shields, and I spit on people who burn US soldiers in effigy. I spit on you both.Staff2010-05-13T07:57:54ZCalling People Names Is Bad... Not Being Able To Handle Being Called Names Is WorseStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Calling-People-Names-Is-Bad...-Not-Being-Able-To-Handle-Being-Called-Names-Is-Worse/813.html2010-05-13T07:57:53Z2010-05-13T07:57:53ZStaff2010-05-13T07:57:53ZNo Intelligent, Rational Person is for War, Except....Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/No-Intelligent,-Rational-Person-is-for-War,-Except..../814.html2010-05-13T07:57:51Z2010-05-13T07:57:51Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>The following is an excerpt from my radio program from last week:
Dr. Laura: Jay, welcome to the program.Jay: Doctor, thank you very much for taking my call, ma'am.Dr. Laura: My pleasure.Jay: I am an ex-military soldier with a loss of limb, and I'm having a difficult time reconciling between being revered as (quote) "a war hero" and reviled as an oppressor. Friends, family...Dr. Laura: Who reviles you as an oppressor?Jay: Believe it or not, my family.Dr. Laura: You mean your mother and father?Jay: And my sister as well.Dr. Laura: Who do they think you oppressed? I mean, how stupid is your family? Jay: My family is....ah, they're not "with" the current times. My sister is currently in India, in her second marriage. She married a Pakistani of all things.Dr. Laura: Oh. And she doesn't understand the problems between Pakistan and India?Jay: No.Dr. Laura: But she's living there...Jay: Well, she chooses not to...Dr. Laura: Has she been on a train that's been blown up yet?Jay: No, and I certainly hope she's not.Dr. Laura: I mean, this is just stupid. I always want to tell these people, gee, why don't you go march in front of, let's do some history, I don't know....let's march in front of Imperial Japan, Nazi Germany, Fascist Italy, militant Islam right now, you go march in front of the Taliban, Hamas, Hezbollah, the Brotherhood, Al Qaeda....you go march over there and talk about oppression! To tell an American soldier that he oppressed somebody is somewhere between stupid, ignorant and evil.And you know what, Jay?Jay: I did my job.Dr. Laura: Jay....Jay: I did my job.Dr. Laura: You can't just say you did your job. They said that in Nuremburg. That's not the truth. You stood between the innocent and evil. And more evil cropped up. So now we have a worse time dealing with evil. People who have killed their own just for the sake of some power in their town. These are oppressors. You don't see anybody in Minneapolis taking out a whole segment of Minneapolis, because they're of the same religion, but they believe a little differently.Jay: You don't think that's a little extreme, in comparison?Dr. Laura: No. Why would that be extreme in comparison? That's exactly....that is a fair, complete, absolute parallel. They go to schools and mosques, and kill each other, for no other reason than power. That's oppression. You don't see one city in the United States of America or Britain where that happens.Jay: Well, that's true.Dr. Laura: Right. Amoral, uncivilized people, versus moral, civilized people. We worry all the time if we're doing the right thing. The militant Islamists don't worry for a moment whether they're doing the right thing - the right thing for them is killing as many people as possible to have power. So, it is two different world views.Jay: Which would be....Dr. Laura: But Jay....you can choose...Jay: I love my country, and I love...Dr. Laura: No. Jay, JAY, Jay...I would expect more of you. You are a warrior. If people in your family are this stupid and this cruel, you cannot wear it as a blanket.Jay: I'm not trying to.Dr. Laura: Well, you said you're torn apart between them. I don't see being torn apart by ignorance.Jay: Minor...Dr. Laura: There are people who love me and love my show and love what I say. There are people who hate me, hate my show, and hate what I say.Jay: Excuse me...Dr. Laura: No, I'm not done. Now, If I woke up every morning worrying about the haters, I couldn't do my job, which I think is to
un
oppress people from bad ways of being, thinking, and doing.Jay: Can I ask you a question?Dr. Laura: Sure.Jay: By ignorance, do you refer to my own?Dr. Laura: I refer to your family.Jay: My family.Dr. Laura: Your family. Your own? I don't know if you're ignorant or not. Your family is. Oh, you mean you agree with them? You think you gave your leg for nothing?Jay: Not in the least.Dr. Laura: Good. Okay, well, then you're not ignorant. They are.Jay: I'd have done it again. And again. And again.Dr. Laura: Because you're a real man and a real warrior. And if your family can't appreciate that, I feel sorry for them, because my son is over there, protecting the right of your family to be ignorant. And that's what you did, and I admire you. I'm Dr. Laura Schlessinger.Anybody who doesn't show absolute respect for what we're trying to do, who's using Iraq and Afghanistan and all the rest of this simply for political power, are becoming more and more like Al Qaeda and Taliban in their thinking. And that's what I watch when I see Republicans, sub-Republicans, Democrats, sub-Democrats, all of this fighting - it's only for elections and power. It isn't for what is good for the world or for America. I don't believe that for a minute! I see people saying the most God-awful things strictly for power.No intelligent, rational, reasonable, decent person is for war. No intelligent, rational, decent person is for war. But if my father and your fathers didn't go off to fight World War II, I would have been incinerated in a German concentration camp oven. So I'm very grateful to the guys who didn't believe in war, but fought it to protect the free world from vile evil. And that is exactly what's going on now. Militant Islam is vile evil. Every day, they're blowing up their own people for power. It's inhuman. And you really believe we shouldn't stop that?Should we go to Africa when one tribe tries to eliminate another? It's funny....some of the same Hollywood types who say we should go to Africa and stop one tribe from eliminating another don't seem to understand what's going on in the Middle East. But this gentleman who called, my son, your sons and daughters, your fathers, your brothers, your children, are fighting the good fight. Am I for war? Are you nuts? Who in their right mind would be? But the rest of the world doesn't necessarily show evidence of being in its right mind.When I hear pain in a soldier who then says he would go
back
...do you realize this is a volunteer army, and we have guys re-enlisting to go back three, four times? Because they're over there and they see the danger, and they know that they're just watching CNN spin or the New York Times spin-they
know
what's going down. They're watching body parts fly all over the place as one Islamic group kills another Islamic group - men, women, and children.This is a fight for a world view. [sigh]. That's my gift to all the soldiers - my ranting and raving for five minutes.Staff2010-05-13T07:57:51ZMandatory Testing for Cervical Cancer for Pre-Teen Girls? I Don't Think So!Staffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Mandatory-Testing-for-Cervical-Cancer-for-Pre-Teen-Girls--I-Dont-Think-So!/815.html2010-05-13T07:57:50Z2010-05-13T07:57:50Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I'm Against Mandatory Cervical-Cancer Vaccine for Pre-teen Girls:
It makes sense to me to require school children to have immunization to measles, chicken pox and polio, because these are highly contagious diseases readily spread in a classroom or schoolyard setting. However, mandating immunization of American school girls for HPV (human papilloma virus), transmitted sexually, as a requirement for attending public or private schools is patently outrageous and should be fought tooth and nail by every parent in America. HPV is responsible for genital warts and most cases of cervical cancer. However, this vaccine protects against only four strains of HPV that cause 70% of cervical cancer cases. That means, all women still need regular PAP smears to detect cancerous cells caused by other HPV strains.The American Cancer Society estimates that 11, 150 women will be diagnosed with cervical cancer, and 3,670 will die in the U.S. this year. That is equivalent to 0.77% of cancer diagnosed in the U.S. and 0.65% of U.S. cancer deaths each year; while almost 180,000 American women will get diagnosed with breast cancer this year and over 40,000 will die.Of the more than 25,000 patients who participated in clinical trials, only 1,184 were pre-teen girls. Certainly, that is not enough of a population to determine dosage and long term effects of the vaccine, Gardasil, on children- who notoriously respond uniquely to drugs of many kinds.Since its release last June, 82 adverse effects have been reported, ranging from nausea and fever or rashes, to fainting spells.Last and not least is the fact that this vaccine is being produced and marketed by one company only, Merck. The company has been aggressively lobbying states to make this vaccine mandatory, which will be a profit windfall for them.Eighty percent of cervical cancer cases occur in developing countries. It seems to me that bringing the vaccine to these poor cultures would be more benevolent...but less profitable.So far, the states that are considering making HPV vaccination mandatory for pre-teen girls, or have already mandated it are: California, Colorado, Connecticut, DC, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, New Jersey, New Mexico, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Texas, and Virginia.Make sure you opt out due to reasons of religion or conscience. If that is not possible - home school.It just appears to me that this legislation is more about Merck profits and liberal sexual politics than the well-being of our children. The government does have the obligation to intercede for the public good. Explain to me why the government protects names and infection status of HIV (a virtual epidemic in this world) infected persons from their spouses, or sex partners but imagines it is in the public interest to basically force and test nine year old children for a disease for which there is minimal risk?The answer is somewhere between politics and corporate politics.*My thanks to John Carreyrou in WSJ (February 7, 2007) for the statistical information.Staff2010-05-13T07:57:50ZSome Things Should Just Never Be SaidStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Some-Things-Should-Just-Never-Be-Said/816.html2010-05-13T07:57:49Z2010-05-13T07:57:49Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Cheryl Coronel, a Dr. Laura listener, requested a response on the following: "When people call about telling someone information that they are unaware of, you always ask, 'What benefit is it to the person to know?' When it comes to a spouse, is this the only question that one needs to ask? If it is about the children, must you tell? Can you please elaborate as to the 'rules.'" While this is a bit difficult to answer without specific examples, I'll do my best. Most people seem to think that if something is
true
it can or should be spoken out loud with impunity. Well, then, "Your thighs are flabby," "Your kid is ugly," and "Your wife's boobs are microscopic - how in the heck do you ever get turned on?" Some folks used the "truth" as a weapon to hurt or feel/appear superior. I have spent many minutes in many calls trying to pull people back from that temptation. You must always ask yourself, "What benefit is it to the person to know...whatever?" There are many times I have advised people to hold back on seemingly huge information because it would be severely damaging. For example, I have told men not to tell their children that the child is not "biologically" theirs. A common situation is when the woman was already pregnant by a sperm-donor type guy, and the caller stepped up to the plate and married her and raised the child as his/their own. Years later, they "worry" that the child has a right to the truth. I tell them that this child will be severely hurt by this disclosure and that they should go to their graves with that "truth." A sperm does not a father make - it's the man who does the job who should enjoy the title. Telling a child that his/her dad isn't, only makes them feel disconnected from family at a time when bonding and identification is so important. One argument I get constantly with this position is that the child needs to know their medical history. Poppycock. With full-body scanning, technologically superior blood tests and other modern medical diagnostic advances such as genetic screening, history is the least important issue in good health maintenance. Children also do not benefit from knowledge of all the stupid things you did as a child; they need to benefit from what you've learned from all the stupid things you did as a child. Now as to the "spouse" issue, I have often told folks who had a brief out-of-marriage encounter (especially when they have children) NOT to tell their spouses IF they are truly remorseful, they take full responsibility for their actions, do their best to repair the problems, and make dedicated efforts to not repeat their actions. While "admitting" their misbehaviors might make them feel better, it is cruel to make the spouse carry that burden, and those visions, if it can be avoided. However, I always advise people to definitely tell their fiancé or boy/girl friend of dalliances; before commitment it is important information for decision-making. When callers say they "saw" or "heard" some information, I tell them not to convey it unless they know it first hand as truth (versus gossip and hearsay) AND then only if it is something that person needs to know in order to protect themselves or their family. I always tell folks never to tell their spouses that they've fantasized about somebody, real or on celluloid; after all, they themselves are mundane too! While I have but touched the surface (and you can read more about my thoughts in my newest book,
The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage
), I believe the point is made: make sure that any information you convey is absolutely correct and always consider the ultimate consequences. Some things just should never be said.Staff2010-05-13T07:57:49Z"Women's Work" SAVES Women's LivesStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/-Womens-Work-SAVES-Womens-Lives/817.html2010-05-13T07:57:47Z2010-05-13T07:57:47Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Feminism Kills Women:
Betty Friedan's negative view of so-called "women's work" created a movement that turned family life upside down and wrenched women from their homes. Turns out, women's work, is the very thing that saves women's lives! Research following 200,000 women from nine European countries for an average of over 6 years and 3,423 cases of breast cancer determined that women who exercise by doing the housework can reduce their risk of breast cancer by 30% among the pre-menopausal women and 20% among the post-menopausal women. "The International authors said their results suggested that moderate forms of physical activity, such as housework, may be more important than less frequent but more intense recreational physical activity in reducing breast cancer risk." The
research
is published in the journal
Cancer Epidemiology Biomarkers and Prevention
.The women in the Cancer Research UK-funded study spent an average of 16-17 hours a week cooking, cleaning, and doing the washing. Experts have long been touting physical exercise can reduce the risk of breast cancer, probably through hormonal and metabolic changes. What kind of exercise, though, has been debated. Most of the research to date has examined the link between exercise and breast cancer in post-menopausal women only. This latest study looked at both pre- and post-menopausal women and a range of activities, including work (right now, only my fingers are getting a work-out), leisure (hitting the C button with my thumb to change channels is obviously a step down), and housework (I actually like folding clothes). "All forms of physical activity combined reduced the breast cancer risk in post-menopausal women, but had no obvious effect in pre-menopausal women. Of all the activities, ONLY HOUSEWORK SIGNIFICANTLY REDUCED THE RISK OF BOTH PRE- AND POST-MENOPAUSAL WOMEN GETTING BREAST CANCER."Don't hold your breath to find this information on Lifetime Channel for Women, "Oxygen," "The View," college and university women's studies programs, "Cosmo", or any other of the women's magazines out there. Excuse me while I go vacuum.
Cindy Sheehan:
Cindy Sheehan's son, Casey, was killed in Iraq in 2004 at the age of twenty-four. Brought up by his ultra-liberal mother did not keep him from re-enlisting for a second tour to fight for his country. Picture that against the unbelievable photos published around the world of his mother hugging Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, who, by the way, "has said he will not renew the license for the country's second largest TV channel. Radio Caracas Television, which is aligned with the opposition, supported a strike against Mr. Chavez in 2003." (BBC News, December 29, 2006).
Rocky #?:
I stopped going to Rocky movies after the second. I loved the first; finding it tender, motivational, exciting, touching, and dramatic. I really didn't want to go to see the current Rocky film. I figured it was a silly attempt to get some mileage out of a franchise that needed to be put to rest. I was seriously wrong.
"Rocky Balboa"
is probably one of the best films I've seen... ever. It has the sentimentality of a film like "The African Queen." Sylvester Stallone, now widowed, is living in and on his past. He runs a restaurant named after his deceased wife, Adrian. He tells the same, lame war stories of past fights to all the patrons and sits for hours in front of his wife's grave. His son is weak, insecure and bitter, feeling like his life is nothing because he lives under his dad's shadow. Stallone looks and feels like well, crap. And this is what makes this movie so special.Rocky has something to learn and something to say. I don't want to ruin it for you, so just trust me and go see it.Staff2010-05-13T07:57:47ZSex as a CommodityStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Sex-as-a-Commodity/818.html2010-05-13T07:57:45Z2010-05-13T07:57:45Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Match.com, and its association with Dr. Phil McGraw (who has signed up to place his imprimatur on the prospective "matches") has been advertised all over the television dial. The founder of Match.com, Gary Kremen, chief executive of Grant Media LLC, made the dot.com deal of the century. His sale of
Sex.com
to "anonymous buyers" (potentially one of the most lucrative sites on the Web because of its provocative name) for $12 million in cash and stock ranks as one of the most expensive Web domain name transfers ever!According to CNN, "The new owners said in the statement that they plan to transform Sex.com in 'the market-leading adult entertainment destination,' which they said would include 'adult dating opportunities,' sex and relationship advice, erotica, video-on-demand and live chat."The site makes money selling banner ads pointing to online pornography sites and Kremen will be staying aboard as an "adviser" to the site.Here you have it, the ultimate goal of the 1960's sexual revolution: sex without loving commitments, obligations, complications; pure sex for recreation. There is no differentiation between the sacred and the profane with respect to sexuality any more. Not only has the internet eliminated the notion of "adult bookstores and entertainment" being way off the main street, check your local University course handbook and you'll find courses in perversions and pornography presented in as positive a perspective as anti-United States politics!The American Psychological Society has published articles which explain that sexual relations between adult men and minor boys is largely a positive issue for the children involved - stating that the only real negatives come from oppressed members of Western Society. Planned Parenthood evidently has a policy of not reporting the molestation of minor females who come in for abortions when the sperm-donor is an adult male.Many school systems around the country will take children out of school for abortions and birth-control without parental knowledge or permission.Family groceries in almost every town in America, as well as sundries kiosks at airports, will place so-called mainstream magazines with blatantly erotic photos and tag-lines on their covers, at the check-out stands or magazine racks in clear view of children.Our public schools indoctrinate children on "owning their own sexuality" (when they can't legally own anything else) with sex-ed statements like, "You will know when you're ready for sex." Yet, if a child comes to public school with a bible in hand, that student will be descended upon as though they came in with a weapon of mass destruction.It's one thing when we can no longer count on our institutions to shore up basic values and morals about sexuality - in fact, they've largely become the enemy - but we can't even count on our neighbors! I remember when I would chide a caller about being over-protective and not allowing their child to go to a sleep-over. No more. I now chide callers when they don't pick their kids up at the end of the evening. With the virtual collapse of common sense and common values, children are at risk even at the homes of their friends. Sadly, there are a lot of parents who believe co-ed sleep-overs are cute and harmless and that supervision is unnecessary because "kids will do what they're going to do and it is better that they do it with a warm roof over their heads." Television has transformed American culture, normalizing casual sexual behavior with shows such as "Friends," where there was mix-'n-match sex as just everyday humorous entertainment, Howard Stern's disgusting, sophomoric antics with pathetic bimbos, so-called "reality" shows pushing limits, and the attention grabbing vulgarity on cable TV channels. It is stunning that even the "nicest" hotels have XXX rated channel options.Am I just an uptight, neurotic prude (oh, I've been called even worse!), or is this really injurious to human beings? To answer that, I - a nice little Jewish mother - will turn to the new Pope (Benedict XVI). In his first pastoral letter to the church on the nature of God and love in charity and relationships (January, 2006) he called for "expressing erotic love through committed, unconditional love relationships." According to press reports, Benedict warned that sex without unconditional love risked turning men and women into merchandise. "Eros, reduced to pure 'sex,' has become a commodity, a mere 'thing' to be bought and sold...Here we are actually dealing with a debasement of the human body: no longer is it integrated into our overall existential freedom; no longer is it a vital expression of our whole being, but it is more or less relegated to the purely biological sphere."Need proof he's right? KDWB-101.2 in Minneapolis, according to one of my listeners, had a reporter doing a story about teens who now have "friends with benefits," meaning: having sex without commitment. My listener wrote: "My mouth was open during the entire drive to work. Girls and boys as young as 13 were admitting to either knowing someone, or being a part of this 'phenomenon.' But what really got my dander up was an 18 yr. old senior in high school who proudly stated that he's part of a group of five girls, five boys who REGULARLY engage in sexual intercourse with one another (at least 3 times a week). When asked if this has caused any problems amongst the young women, he stated, 'No, these girls can't get enough.' We don't even bother to close the doors.'"In a fantastic
op-ed piece
in the
Santa Maria Times
(1/22/06), Barbara Murphy wrote, "Too many of today's young women have been hoodwinked by our culture, leaving a lot of broken-hearted, unhappy singles. Confused by the semantics of women's rights, they gave away their bodies to the men who used them....Are young men really any better off? Jaded by endless sexual encounters that meant nothing, many young men are left empty and frustrated. Saturated by the over-indulgence of the icing on the cake, they seek more and more sugar, while never tasting the cake."All of us, men and women alike, want to know real love. Lust is a poor substitute. Using others is the opposite of loving them."Many of my listeners echo those sentiments - others are distraught and somewhat destroyed by the empty promises of casual sex. Our pervasive culture of casual sex results in masturbation by proxy, that is, an impersonal, biological release, with no human to human real connection of caring and compassion.Sheryl, a listener, wrote that she was "Saved From a Delusional Culture." "Thank you, DrL, for being a model of common sense in a society in which many people think that they should be able to shuffle through life with no responsibilities towards other people. I am the product of a generation raised after the so-called sexual revolution, and I resent many of the ideas that resulted from that era. I resent that the public school system and popular culture tried to turn me away from my parents' tradition values and beliefs. They tried to 'liberate' me from the 'oppressive' life that my parents were advocating. Yet, during my years at a very liberal university (aren't they all?) I began to realize that the public schools are are Emperors of Brainwashing. I first began to realize this while watching some of my 'liberate' college friends go through a string of sexual relationships, never satisfied, often whining and bitter."Living by my parents' tradition values, I became a STD-free, non-bitter, real woman. I am fulfilled by real love, not mere sexual desire positing as love. Real love endures in the mind even when emotions waver. My traditional man is very sexy. No oppression or repression here. Any Hugh Hefner-types who think that they have a better life than my tradition family are delusional!" From the male side, I received this email from Ken: "My wife has asked on more than one occasion if I would like to have multiple partners? I do not equate sex and love. Love may involve sex, but they are not interchangeable. She equates her worth in terms of sex appeal. I did not marry her because she was great in bed or a 10."While males and females are physiologically and temperamentally quite different creatures; women into nesting, bonding and nurturing, and men into conquest, providing, and protecting, they are quite similar spiritually. Both men and women have a strong need to have their lives be purposeful and to have real love in their lives. There is hardly anything in our culture left which extols, supports, guides and celebrates that truth. A 2003 study by the Heritage foundation linked early sexual activity with a higher suicide rate. The study reported that about 14 percent of girls aged 14 to 17 who have had intercourse have attempted suicide; 5 percent of sexually inactive girls have. Why is this kind of fact on the lips of every sex-ed teacher and overly indulgent parent? Instead, I hear from a math teacher at UNLV: "This morning, in a Math for Elementary Teachers class, a student came in wearing a t-shirt with the bold-print message
"It's not what you do, but who."
I asked the female student about it and she explained that it was a shirt made especially for members of her sorority and the fraternity they partnered with for homecoming activities. It makes one wonder how much it might guide the conversation when a guy and a girl wearing such shirts find themselves together."Sex as a commodity. A woman as a commodity. A fetus as a disposable commodity. Marriage as an unnecessary commodity. Spiritual depth to interpersonal behavior an irrelevant commodity. Modesty from women, honor from men are archaic commodities.The meaning of life? Simple: it's what you feel at any one moment.How did this begin? Science has its place although scientists are known for eschewing any responsibility for the use of their research discoveries. I think it obviously starts with birth-control. While the pill was a useful tool for family planning for married couples, it separated sex from love, marriage, and parenting. The legalization of abortion, outside of saving the life of the mother, provided yet another separation between sex and higher obligations with an extremely casual attitude of women towards the miracle of new life (and I'm still waiting for Planned Parenthood to have in-house adoption services). Between the sexual liberation of women, and the birth control/abortion opportunities, young men have been separated from any sense of honor, commitment and responsibility towards women and are more cavalier about using women for sex than ever. No one faults a man from walking away from the fruits of his fling. The children pay a huge price, but there is always some hack psychologist or psychological organization which will minimize the "negatives" on children. People, they say, must be free to make their own choices...no matter who they hurt: children, each other, or themselves!Well, I'm here to tell you that this experiment has failed. Nobody, except the perverts, pedophiles, narcissists and sadists are happy with sex becoming a commodity.Staff2010-05-13T07:57:45ZNot All Points of View are Worthy of RespectStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Not-All-Points-of-View-are-Worthy-of-Respect/819.html2010-05-13T07:57:44Z2010-05-13T07:57:44Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>I love civility; wish there were more of it (yeah, here's the "but"): but I don't like the falseness of saying, "I respect your point of view," or, "I respect everyone's point of view" when it is so far from the truth, it is stretched beyond the molecular limits!Not all points of view or opinions are worthy of respect. I don't respect the point of view that babies can be sucked out of their mother's wombs into a sink, simply because the woman's boyfriend isn't interested; I don't respect the point of view of folks who think America should have no borders and no sovereignty; I don't respect the point of view of those who think any retreat from their religion earns a death penalty; I don't respect the point of view of people who believe that bio-parents who are addicted and abusive should be given chance after chance to straighten out, while their children are left to languish in foster care instead of being adopted by a healthy loving family; I don't respect the point of view of single women, by choice, thinking they are equivalent to a mom and a dad, married and in love. Those are just a few of my favorite "no respect" things. A few weeks back I got into a bit of a row with an acquaintance who had attended the same charity function as I, during which a recipient of an award behaved in a graceless and rude manner because she was at political odds with the host. I mentioned the event in passing and he seemed to be apologetic to her. That revved my engines and we...mostly I...got into it. He is the executor of a large company that makes huge charitable donations. He said that he gives to Pro-Life and Planned Parenthood. He doesn't take sides. Oh, oh - that lit my fire.I told him I thought that was immoral - that he had a responsibility to give financial support to those institutions he valued. He said, "I respect your point of view." I said, "No, you don't and I don't respect yours."Needless to say, he looked surprised. I continued, "You can't possibly respect my position and continue with yours. You don't like confrontation or controversy and therefore you won't take a moral stand. Your goal is to 'feel good' by 'making everyone happy and having them all like you.' I think you're mostly motivated by that, and I see it as a kind of cowardice. I don't respect that. But, I do understand it and you have the right to it."Yeah, I know - that was pretty strong. I did keep my voice low and demeanor as pleasant as possible. And, I hugged him at the end of it and said something about still being "colleagues."I believe, frankly, that our culture and country are at risk because people standing for values are labeled "phobic," and those who believe that America is special are called intolerant.This issue came up on air during a recent call where the caller, like too many folks, was hesitant and intimidated out of stating and standing for her beliefs by her own need to be "nicey nice." Average, decent folk are being scared out of fighting back when confronted by bad or evil.In response to that call, and my comments, Karen Ahmadi emailed: "Your comment today about not having to 'respect' others' views, but to be courteous and polite, was right on. It perfectly fit with the outstanding article I read at Townhall.com by Greg Koukl on '
The Intolerance of Tolerance
.' Greg phrases it that we should be 'egalitarian towards people,' but 'elitist toward ideas.' The article does a great job at pointing out the logical and philosophical fallacies of the 'tolerance' position and agenda."I will never say that I respect a person's incorrect viewpoint, but will always seek to be polite and respectful towards the person expressing it."Thanks for speaking truth about the 'Tolerance Emperor' having no clothes!!!"Friends, we've got people coming to America, flying airplanes into our buildings, and planning dirty bomb attacks to kill all Infidels (non-Muslims) and our form of government. When caught, they use the very institutions they're trying to destroy (democracy and our justice system which presumes innocence) to get away with it.A little salt in soup is good, too much is bad. Be careful what you say you respect and what you tolerate.Staff2010-05-13T07:57:44ZRemarksStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Remarks/820.html2010-05-13T07:57:43Z2010-05-13T07:57:43Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>%%wpcontactform%%Staff2010-05-13T07:57:43ZMy First BlogStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/My-First-Blog/821.html2010-05-13T07:57:43Z2010-05-13T07:57:43Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Good grief! Do you mean that three hours per day, five days per week on radio AND ten or so books AND a website AND a NewsMax monthly column AND guest columns AND interviews on radio and television AND a twice-weekly column for the Santa Barbara News-Press aren’t enough opportunities for one 5’3” 110 pound woman to express her opinions?! Yikes! How much more could I possibly have to talk about? Lots! I’ve decided to begin a blog so that I can give my opinions and perspectives on issues that might not come up in any or all of the above! I’d like to invite you to send me local news pieces which make your eyelids twitch or just ask me for my knee-jerk opinion about some issue you’re curious or confused about. Just send them to me by clicking the “Remarks” tab at the top of this blog page. You can ask a question, recommend an issue for commentary, or respond to my commentary. Keep it clear, tight, and be civil… or your contribution will likely never see the light of day on this blog! Since this first blog is in the middle of holiday shopping, I thought it would be interesting to pass on to you this interesting information from John Stossel of ABC’s 20/20 program. A few weeks ago he presented the facts about Americans and charitable generosity. He set up a “test” to verify the statistics that point to political/social conservatives being more financially giving than liberals by having the Salvation Army set up their Christmas Kettle outside the most populous shopping areas in San Francisco and Sioux Falls, S.D. The results? The folks in Sioux Falls, which is largely Republican, religious and conservative, and of modest income, gave twice as much as the folks in the largely Democratic, secular, wealthy and liberal San Francisco. According to Stossel, “religion” is the biggest factor in charitable donations. Evidently, the religious folks, compelled by theology, not only give to their churches, but to other cases as well. During Stossel’s appearance on Bill O’Reilly’s television program on FOX, the point was made that “without religious people, most charities would go out of business.” When O’Reilly questioned Stossel for the explanation of why liberals give less, while promoting culture wars claiming liberals and Democrats are more compassionate toward the poor and middle class than conservatives and Republicans, the answer was that “liberals relied on the government to take care of these things.” Clever "out," don't you think?Staff2010-05-13T07:57:43ZBeing A Good Parent to A Grownup ChildStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Being-A-Good-Parent-to-A-Grownup-Child/822.html2010-05-13T07:57:42Z2010-05-13T07:57:42ZStaff2010-05-13T07:57:42ZTerms of Use/Privacy Statement/CopyrightStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Terms-of-Use/Privacy-Statement/Copyright/823.html2010-05-13T07:57:42Z2010-05-13T07:57:42Z<img alt="Icon" class="blog-icon-large" src="/images/Site/Icons/150x150/blog.jpg"/>Read the Terms Of Use
here
Read the Privacy Statement
here
Read the Copyright and Trademark Notice
here.Staff2010-05-13T07:57:42ZBusy, busy mothers tuned in to their cellphones, BlackBerrys, iPods, iPhones, and chatty girlfriends, just don't have the time to tune in to their children ' that's just reality! And you can't expect nannies (equipped with the same electronics) or day caStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/Busy,-busy-mothers-tuned-in-to-their-cellphones,-BlackBerrys,-iPods,-iPhones,-and-chatty-girlfriends,-just-dont-have-the-time-to-tune-in-to-their-children--thats-just-reality!--And-you-cant-expect-nannies-equipped-with-the-same-electronics-or-day-ca/824.html2010-05-13T07:57:41Z2010-05-13T07:57:41ZStaff2010-05-13T07:57:41ZA Single Woman Weighs in on Stay-Atc-Home MomsStaffhttp://www.DrLaura.com/b/A-Single-Woman-Weighs-in-on-Stay-Atc-Home-Moms/825.html2010-05-13T07:00:00Z2010-05-13T07:00:00ZStaff2010-05-13T07:00:00Z