May 14, 2013 Should I Tell My Kid Before Someone Else Does?
Hi, I'm Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Welcome again to our YouTube channel, where I get to answer a question from Tanya:
"23 years ago I was raped, and got pregnant as a result of that rape.
Abortion was absolutely not an option for me. I did consider adoption, but decided that the child, regardless of the circumstances of its conception, was still part of me and I decided to keep her. I have never once regretted that decision. My daughter is the most loving and giving person I know and I could not be more proud to be her mother. I never told her the circumstances of her birth.
When my daughter was 3 months old, I met someone who seemed to be the 'perfect man.' He said he loved me and would love my daughter and would adopt her after we married (he never did). I married him and it was the worst mistake of my life. I lived through 20 years of emotional and physical abuse. I finally was able to get out of the marriage last year. Now my ex-husband is threatening to tell my daughter the circumstances of her birth.
I don't know if he will ever tell her or not. Should I go ahead and tell her myself before he can? And if so, what should I say?"
I have a philosophy about this sort of circumstance...not rape and all of that, but telling kids things. You tell kids things by their need to know, not by your fear that they might hear it. It seems to me that you must have some track record to demonstrate that you have been beaten by this man. I think you need to go to an attorney who deals with criminal activities and you need to go to the police and you need to file charges against this husband of yours, whether or not he tells your daughter.
And you know, I prefer the kids not know that they were the product of a rape, however I think it is really touching and lovely what you wrote in this first paragraph about her [points to beginning of letter written by listener]. And if you ever have to tell her, I suggest you keep this piece of paper [holds up letter] and you show it to her. I think that will mitigate any other feelings that you're worried about. And yeah, it won't be pleasant, it'll be a shock but the worst thing was the 20 years of growing up with this creep. You need to apologize for that one; that one was your fault.
I'm Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Until next time, here on our YouTube channel.