Dear Dr. Laura,

When I found you on the radio almost 20 years ago, I was driving a huge truck, as big as a dump truck. I hauled drinking water to people in the country with my over 2000 gallon water tank. I had just had my 4th child and was nursing. I also had my 2 and 3 year olds with me, and, part time, I had my 9 year old. The two youngest went with me every day, 7 days a week, 10 to 12 hours a day. I called it my 'day care alternative.'

I was married to a bum. I had to pay the bills and would not leave my children...period. I had always done odd jobs to pay the bills and worked very hard. I have 5 children total now. I was in such an abusive marriage, both verbally and physically. He did not and would not work. And he was constantly cheating. He was a really bad person, but I was raised in an abusive home and did not know it was okay for me to GET OUT. I also actually believed I was doing the right thing by allowing my children to have a two parent family. They were never abused. But what I wasn't realizing was by them watching me being hit, it was changing who they were. I never left any of my children with anyone while I worked. I either took them with me or worked at night while they slept, and I did not sleep.

When I first heard you, I was so desperate I clang to your every word every day. I needed someone to tell me I could leave. I had never been told or shown that what was happening to me was wrong. My mother was nice, but my father had a violent temper. My mother always did what he said and he beat my brother often. It was terrible. I finally realized when my children saw me being hit and called names, it was the same as when I had to watch my dad beat my brother and call him names. I always tried to protect my brother and I would never have let my children be hit or called names, but I had not realized I deserved better and that my children were being hurt so bad by the environment of our home.

Thanks to your help I got out.  I now have a happy home and hard working good children. I know that if you don't want to leave your kids, but have to work, it can be done. I feel so bad I put my children through all those years of watching and hearing me get hurt. It has had an affect on them, the 2 oldest mostly. They are good young men, but have scars. They are overachievers in attempts of being accepted. Although I have never made them feel that was necessary, the environment of our home when they were young has impacted them as adults. I am so very sorry. I hurt my children by staying in the marriage and I have apologized to them, but I can't take away what they saw and heard, like I can't erase the memories of what I saw when my dad hit beat my brother.

Thank you for helping me understand some things are black and white. Back then I was living in grey, and felt I had to put up with a lot of bad stuff. Thank you for your words of wisdom.

Sincerely,

Diana