May 18, 2011
Trying to Fix Past Mistakes

Dear Dr. Laura

I have listened to you for years, even though I haven't always followed your advice. I shacked up, had a child out of marriage and did everything I could to prove I didn't need a man. I was used to being Ms. Independent and didn't want to need him. We had some issues and I found it easier to move back to my family rather than keep the door open to him, as he wasn't completely committed to being a family man.

This past year, something hit me. I realized that perhaps I wasn't as much of a prize as I thought I was in my previous relationship with my daughter's father. I also realized that I hadn't been as kind as I should have been and that I wanted to fix things with him. I hadn't dated anyone else, so I had had time to think about the problems in the relationship.

We had been out of contact for a few years when I came to this realization and began working on changing myself. He contacted me out of the blue and wanted to talk to me about everything. Slowly we began to work on talking about the issues between us, and I have to say, I have used all of your advice to not nag or bitch about past problems.

I have learned from listening to you it can take two people to make a problem, but sometimes only one person has to truly change to make a difference. We have seen each other a few times, and are working towards being together as a family. This is a huge step for me, as I was ready to write him off and just keep moving on with my life, but I have realized I have to change too, and I want an intact family for our daughter. It is difficult for me not to be demanding or naggy, and I have had to really keep the focus on my long term goal of getting married to him so we can all be a family, rather than cutting my losses and moving on.

I have to say your advice about being calm and kind has helped, but what has really helped was your focus on having a family for your kids and not dating while your children are in the house. I see so many women and men with revolving doors in terms of dating that the children become used to this, and accept this as normal. Despite my past mistakes, this was the one thing I really did right, as our daughter is now 4 and I haven't dated at all. This helped me maintain my focus on her, as well as leave the opportunity open for him to grow up enough to be part of our family.

Is this a perfect situation? No, of course not. We shacked up before and I know this makes it harder in many ways for him to respect me and to marry me. However, I am working on treating him as kindly as possible, while looking seriously at my mistakes in the past and focusing on changing myself into a better woman who is more understanding and loving, and who would make a good wife. Some days it is very hard not to nag or moan about the past, and be positive, but I try to stay in the present and focus on what I want for us more than anything, which is to be a family.
Thank you.

R.

Posted by Staff at 10:49 PM