May 7, 2010
In an Enviable Position: Dealing with Envious Attacks at Work and at Home
In an Enviable Position: Dealing with Envious Attacks at Work and at Home By Leslie Godwin, MFCC Jill, a reader in Virginia, emailed me about a serious problem she ran into at work. "I worked very hard for three years on a project. And when it took off, you could say I got too much recognition. The project was used in many of my boss' presentations as a success story, I was invited to meetings abroad, and I was nominated to special committees. "But instead of my co-workers giving me credit for doing a good job, they kept looking for my dark side. 'She's just ambitious,' the nasty ones would say. The nice ones just told me not to work so hard. "I tried to compensate for the negative reaction of some of my co-workers by being extra nice and even more helpful. This backfired. My office roommate, who'd been a close friend for years stopped talking to me for several months. Everything I did seemed to irritate her. "My husband and family tried to get it through my head that it wasn't my fault; that this was her problem. Funny, now that her life is happier, we're close friends again." DIAGNOSIS: ENVY Envy at work affects many of us, but it's often very hard to identify. I had a similar situation many years ago myself, and tried some of the same things Jill did. I wanted to win my colleagues over by being even more kind and thoughtful. I couldn't understand it when that only led to more intense attacks on me and my work. A psychologist at the hospital where I worked finally explained to me what was going on. I, like Jill, was the recipient of envious attacks from certain disgruntled co-workers. WHAT IS ENVY? Being envied feels like someone is attacking something good about you...it can even feel like you're being attacked for just being who you are. Envy occurs when someone who doesn't feel like they get what they need in life attacks what is good in you. They believe (on a deep level) that if they can spoil what's good in you, they'll level the playing field and won't feel so badly about themselves. STAY-AT-HOME MOMS ARE OFTEN THE VICTIMS OF ENVY Jill was envied by some unhappy co-workers, but many SAHM's are envied by those who wish they could be full-time parents. I don't mean to say that most hard-working moms are envious of those who stay home with their children. Being envious is NOT the same as wishing you could do something differently. Envy feels like you want to attack the person who has what you want. If they make homemade cookies for a school event, you find yourself angry at them for showing off that they have the time to bake. You'd be quick to jump on anything they say about their life as if they were constantly angling to show their superiority. Many SAHM's I've worked with have talked about neighbors shunning them or ridiculing them behind their back. Their reaction to the attacks is often similar to what Jill and I experienced. They try to downplay the fact that they are home and enjoy it, and they try to pacify those who attack them, sure that if they only knew how hard their life is, they wouldn't be so envious. But their efforts are in vain, since the envious person does not have empathy for them and feels that THEY are the victim, not the SAHM. WHAT NOT TO DO IF YOU ARE THE VICTIM OF ENVIOUS ATTACKS: DON'T: Don't identify with your envier and try to appease, blame yourself, or win them over Don't stop being yourself Don't leave yourself open to more attacks Don't withdraw so much that you're denying your normal and healthy needs for relationships (this can lead to burnout, among other problems.) Jill explained that the more she downplayed her role on the project, and the nicer she was to her attackers, the more irritated they became. She started to act very quiet and withdrawn, afraid to draw any attention to herself. Once she saw that there was a pattern -- it was the unhappy people who tended to be envious -- she started to realize that her husband and family had a point. She hadn't brought this upon herself with her behavior or attitude, and she couldn't solve it by being nicer or blending into the woodwork. WHAT YOU SHOULD CONSIDER DOING: DO: Do keep your distance from your envier. Think of their envy as a kind of poison that will make you sick if you're in contact with it. Do be yourself; try as best you can not to take their attacks personally Do identify true friends and supporters, and focus on these positive relationships Do give up the wish that you can win over your envier by being kind or explaining yourself to them Do ask for guidance from a higher source. Pray, meditate, or tune into your intuition...whatever you can do to listen to a source of wisdom above and beyond the natural reactions anyone would have to these confusing attacks. Jill recommends choosing your friends carefully, but then sharing everything with those trusted friends. Some traits she looks for now in friends and co-workers are those who don't gossip about others, are kind and compassionate, and seem happy in their own lives. She adds, "I also learned to practice certain responses so I was ready for the nosy questions these disgruntled co-workers would ask me. I can get nervous when put on the spot, so that made me feel more confident." Jill found that the more she "held my head up, treated myself with respect, and stopped sharing so much with those who didn't have my best interest in mind, that things got much better." Leslie Godwin, MFCC, is a Career Life-Transition Coach specializing in helping people put their families, faith, and principles first when making career and life choices. Leslie is the author of, " From Burned Out to Fired Up: A Woman's Guide to Rekindling the Passion and Meaning in Work and Life " published by Health Communications. For more information, go to www.LeslieGodwin.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com

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