Your advice to the daughter who had been her father's caregiver and then was tasked as being his estate's executor were both morally and legally correct, but let me share my experience which, by the way, mirrors what several friends have experienced having been put in the same place. Like the caller, I was the caregiver and the executor of my mother's estate. My sister never showed up during the last couple of months of my mother's death as she was too busy supervising the installation of rosebushes and the paving of the parking lot at the company she managed. I ended up doing all the arrangements, plus selling my mother's house in another state which saved the estate a healthy chunk of money. It took considerable amount of time and effort on my part. In addition, it took an emotional toll having to deal with a lifetime of stuff which bought up a lot of not so pleasant memories.

When I submitted my expenses as the executor, my sister had to sign off in order for them to be paid. She threatened to sue me. Her reasoning was she had told all the relatives how wonderful I was (I am!) and would not have said so if she knew I was going to be paid for my services. (She was incorrect. I did not bill for my services. I only submitted my expenses. Since the estate was going to be split 50-50, the actual impact on her portion was only half of the submittal.) Even though my attorney assured me I could recover my expenses, I removed the bill for my expenses and closed out the estate as quickly as possible. I did this based on the advice and experience of some friends with their siblings. Those who fought for what was both morally and legally correct like the recovery of their executor expenses ended up having to defend their positions in court for a protracted time. Although all won their point, in all cases the already strained family relationships snapped and the estates were significantly reduced by the court and legal fees. By removing my claim for expenses, I saved myself a potentially long legal battle and the emotional stress that accompanies it. My financial exposure was small compared to my loss of a sister for I now had proof-positive of my sister's true colors and her not valuing me as a professional much less our relationship. Although she remains clueless as to the irreparable damage her actions inflicted, I remain "civil and polite" and definitely distant nothing more and nothing less.

I would suggest based on both my and my friends' experiences, it would be best for anyone to hire someone from the bank or an attorney to do all the work (assuming the estate will bear the expenses). It would be a nice way for the "caring, dependable" caregiver to treat themselves for having been caring and dependable. Why take on the additional work only to be vilified?

Just a thought...
Sometimes doing what is both morally and legally correct is not worth the emotional price.

J.