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July 27, 2010
Tip of the Week: February 1st, 2009  By Nancy Carlsson-Paige www.nancycarlssonpaige.org Mothers often say that they get "horribly angry" with their youngchildren. As one mother stated "I get so mad at them sometimes, mostlywhen they fight, that I end up screaming#151;no screeching#151;at them. I eventold them I hate them one time recently. I feel so out of control whenI'm like that. I know I scare them. Then I feel so bad for unleashingmy uncontrollable temper onto my kids." When we're in an emotional state, we can't communicate or problem solveconstructively#151;our feelings hijack us and block our capacity to focus.We need to find ways to reduce the anger so that we can begin tocommunicate again. Learning to deal with our own anger is an essential skill for conflictresolution and for life. First, it can help just to notice that you'regetting angry. What's happening in my body? Is my breathing more rapid?Does my face flush? Is my voice rising or my heartbeat increasing? Thenyou can ask yourself, what is it that's triggering my anger? Next, see if you can lower the intensity of your feelings by breathingdeeply, using "self talk," such as repeating a key calming word orphrase, or taking a step away for a moment, or just simply pausing andwaiting. Then try to communicate your anger in an "I" statement#151;usingwords that say what you feel, what is making you angry, and what youneed. It's worth noting here that anger is often a secondary emotion#151;that is,it can arise as a response to other emotions such as fear, sadness, orinsecurity#151;and it can be a challenge to go inward and try to find theunderlying feeling or need. Marshall Rosenberg, founder and educational director of the Center forNonviolent Communication, explores anger deeply in his nonviolentcommunication (NVC) approach, set out in a body of work that may bevery helpful for many parents. Rosenberg explains that often whattriggers our anger is not its true cause; that is, it isn't what peopledo that makes us angry but something in us that responds to what theydo. He encourages us to try to go beyond what triggered our anger andbecome more conscious of the need that is at its root. His belief isthat we get angry because our needs are not getting met, but that oftenwe are not in touch with those needs and instead of recognizing themwithin ourselves we focus on what's wrong with other people. On the other side of the equation, what happens when we're dealing witha child who is angry? First, if the child is acting aggressively, it'svital before anything else to ensure the safety of everyone involved.Once you've made sure everyone is physically safe, try to listenattentively to the angry child while he or she expresses how he or shefeels. Try to reflect back the essence of what you hear. Sometimes this alone is enough, especially for a young child, to enablehim or her to move beyond being upset. With younger kids anger oftenpasses quickly, especially if they know they are being listened to andrespected for how they feel. For a child whose anger is notdissipating, suggest that they try oneor two of the calming techniques mentioned above. I believe that by helping kids develop inner life skills, we're puttingin their hands new tools that will help them manage all kinds of lifesituations. And when there are conflicts, or kids are angry, we cancall on these skills to help bring down tension and restore peace. Nancy Carlsson-Paige is a professor of education at Lesley Universityand the author or co-author of five books. Her most recent book isTaking Back Childhood: Helping Your Kids Thrive in a Fast-Paced,Media-Saturated, Violence-Filled World. Nancy writes and speaks abouthow media, violence, consumerism, and other social trends are shapingchildren today and what parents and teachers can do to raise caring andcompassionate children. For more information visit www.nancycarlssonpaige.org. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. Posted by Staff at 7:22 PM |