I have been married to a good man for a decade. He's a hard worker. He's a loving dad. He's a great lover, and an even better friend. But he and I were getting into the same fight every other month from the time our first child was born and I had a Mommy hat put on my head. His claim: "I don't feel desired by you."
I do everything for everyone, including my husband. I serve him when I want to, when I don't want to, and every time in between. So, it always drove me nuts when he said he didn't feel like I desired him. I'd angrily ask, "Were you even counting the times we had sex last week?!" I was at a loss as to why he was feeling undesired by me when I was sexually responsive, and serving him constantly. It finally got to yesterday when I said I don't see the point in trying to make him feel desired anymore. If I try my hardest, he doesn't feel desired. Well, if I didn't try at all, the result would be the same. He wouldn't feel desired. So, why put in the effort?
He saw how he was being high maintenance and clingy. We had a really great heart-to-heart and got down to the source of the problem. When I chose this wonderful man as my husband, he was self confident. But so many trials have happened in our married life, his confidence had been shattered. He was relying on me for his stability and sense of self worth. BUT I had children to care for, a house to clean, homeschooling for our special needs child, school runs and parent volunteer projects for our other kids, plus me going back to school. I was giving my husband attention, serving him, loving him, but I had so much going on in my life he felt all those other things were competing for my attention.
So, when he realized he was depending on me for his sense of self worth, rather than looking to himself and his own real worth, he realized why I was so tired. He's going to look for counseling and going to try to value me for more than the way I make him feel.
I saw too, that my job, as his wife, is to be his cheerleader. I can serve him, be his lover, his friend, but sometimes in a man's life he needs someone to think he is successful, desirable, and to admire his confidence even if it isn't as strong as you'd like. He needs someone to cheer for him, not because he is winning, but because he is able to make a comeback. He needs someone to believe in him when he doesn't believe in himself.
It feels like a ton of bricks has been lifted from our relationship. I am so grateful we took the time to get to the bottom of the nagging and find the source.
C.
