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Abandonment Issues And Your Money by Joan Sotkin ProsperityPlace.com People often use money to express hidden emotions, and abandonment is acted out through money more often than any other emotion. Many life-dramas have abandonment as one of the elements. From feeling emotionally abandoned by parents who didn't have emotional tools to the pain of being abandoned at the end of a love relationship, just about everyone in our culture understands abandonment. How does this sense of abandonment affect your relationship with money? Let's do a little review: Money is always attached to people -- it doesn't have any power by itself. You can't really run out of money, you can only run out of people --they are the source of money. So fear of running out of money, is the fear of running out of people, or being abandoned and alone. Difficult financial situations are often characterized by feeling alone and abandoned. When you address your deep-seated feelings of abandonment and aloneness, your financial difficulties will begin to fade. A seemingly simple solution for a complex problem. Think about how you behave and what actions you contemplate taking when you are financially uncomfortable. Do you use too much credit or think about getting a loan? If you owe someone money, they aren't going to forget about you. People often borrow money to feel connected to someone. (People lend money for the same reason.) If you have a history of needing to be rescued by friends or family members, that's a sure sign that you are feeling alone and abandoned. Once someone rescues you, you feel less alone -- at least temporarily. People often feel abandoned by God, life, authority figures, etc. It is very common for people who are going through divorce, or are grieving for whatever reason, to have financial problems. It is the expression of abandonment and aloneness. How you can tell if you are acting out abandonment through your money? See if any of these apply to you: You often borrow or lend money People to whom you lend money rarely pay it back (elements of betrayal may be at work here too.) You worry constantly about running out of money You work hard, but never get paid what you know you are worth You lose money on investments You have a hard time finding customers for your products or services You started making more money, but now you are right back where you started You had to close a business or went bankrupt You have a hard time supporting yourself You think that the only way out of your difficult situation is for someone to rescue you financially You work all of the time because you are afraid that if you don't, you won't make enough money. Self Abandonment When you start looking at your abandonment issues you are bound to go back to abandonment dramas in your family of origin. Virtually everyone can find them -- especially if you look at your life from a child's point of view, which is when patterns are formed. For example, you probably felt abandoned on your first day of school. Or when you realized that one or both of your parents left you every day (to go to work). Or when you were really upset about something and no one seemed to care. But the core of your current abandonment issues may lie in the way you abandon yourself on a regular basis. Signs of self-abandonment include: People-pleasing behavior. You do what you think others expect of you or you adjust your actions to please others. You never follow your inner urges to do what you really want to do because of fear of failure, rejection or just general fear. You don't speak up for yourself or defend yourself when criticized by others You remain in an abusive relationship (either business or personal) You do something that goes against your personal values. What You Can Do to Process the Feeling It is important that you become aware of your feelings of abandonment and identify where you are working them out. This is a process that can take some time because you have probably been automatically acting out this feeling for much of your life. Most people do. I have yet to meet someone who doesn't have some abandonment issues. Yet we rarely discuss these issues with others. Instead, we might talk with close friends about our money problems, try to borrow money, or use a lot of credit. You might want to do an abandonment inventory. Write down all of the times that you can remember being abandoned -- or when you abandoned yourself. This may take some time and may bring up a lot of uncomfortable feelings. That's ok. You need to get things out, not keep them buried. If possible, find someone you can talk to about this issue. If you don't have a close friend who can share this process with you, try a Codependents Anonymous meeting. That's a good place to share feelings that doesn't cost anything. Make a concerted effort to connect to people on a deeper level.Push yourself to become a participating member of a group with whom you share a common interest. If most of your contacts are related to your job or business, reach out to people outside of work. Start speaking up for yourself. You may have to work through some serious fears. It is important to learn how to stop abandoning yourself. Joan Sotkin is the creator of ProsperityPlace.com , author of "Build Your Money Muscles:9 Simple Exercises for Creating Wealth Prosperity" and "Prosperity Is an Inside Job" and publisher of Prosperity Tips, a free monthly ezine. Visit ProsperityPlace.com . copy; 2003 by Joan Sotkin. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.