Fifteen years ago, I married my sweet loving girlfriend after many years of dating. The first year of marriage was pretty bumpy, but then she read your book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". Wow, the marriage really got good.
Fast forward to today and things have taken a turn for the worse. I like so many of your callers am no longer married to my girlfriend. Instead I'm married to a bitchy wife with 3 kids. Now I understand 3 kids can be a handful, but here are a few thoughts from my perspective.
- When you say guys don't communicate that's because we often get punished if we communicate. She asked me what's wrong about a year ago and I made the mistake of telling her. I get the house will be a mess with three kids, but every room is like a war zone. So instead of ever mentioning it again, I just put in some extra effort in doing the dishes for her, some laundry, picking up things. And now by me being helpful and proactive, she considers I'm still complaining...
- I didn't realize I signed up for a life of celibacy. Again, I made the mistake of communicating my frustration. I also emailed her some quotes from you like, "This is the measure men have of how much their women love them". Now she says I'm just thinking of me. It is an accurate measure, because she knows it will improve the marriage and show me she loves me.
- Men are reactive and not pro-active. She doesn't seem to understand, the woman sets the mood of the household. And men react to their woman's mood. If she is bitchy then I'm on guard and try to not communicate too much to avoid her wrath. If I confront her, it's twice as bad. And if I avoid her, I'm still a bastard for being quiet and not communicating. Refer back to #1.
- Men aren't women. I'm not wrong because I don't react to the kids the same way you do. My experience? When I lay down some rules, Mommy intervenes to tell the child Daddy is wrong for being angry. To undermine Daddy like that just sets up the kid to be a spoiled brat for the rest of its life.
In conclusion, there was time when I would have swam through shark infested waters to bring her a lemonade. Now I just seem to forget some of those presents at anniversaries and birthdays.
Peter
