Dr. Laura Blog

Every relationship goes through ups and downs, but if you're chronically doing these behaviors, you are sure to hurt your relationship:  

1. Trying to improve him/her. People are who they are. Sure, sometimes there are changes in actions or behavior, but for the most part, someone's character and personality is relatively consistent. If you are constantly trying to improve someone, they are going to feel criticized, unappreciated, unloved, and disrespected, which doesn't make them feel warm and cuddly towards you. 


2. Finding faults with their family. Unless it's something dangerous or destructive, deal with it, and stop nitpicking at the minutia.  


3. Fighting. Never yell, scream, or name-call in public. Nobody is going to care about you if you humiliate them in a public venue, whether they know the people around them or not. As a matter of fact, don't fight at all. You can disagree or have conflicts, but don't fight. Fighting is all about trying to hurt the other person.  If you want someone to listen to you, all you have to do is give them points for their point of view. Say, "I see your point," or, "I see what you're saying." Then see if you can add something to it.


4. Holding grudges. Everyone screws up, makes mistakes, and has moods - you included. Don't hold grudges, give the silent treatment, or be mean and vicious as payback.


5. Timing. If you want to talk about something significant, wait for a good time, not right when they come home tired or just before a party. 


6. Keeping score. A relationship is not a competition.  


7. Being melodramatic. It's not the end of the world if X, Y, or Z doesn't happen. Try to be a little more even-tempered and not exaggerate the emotionality of the moment. 


8. Mistrusting. Nobody should be in a relationship (much less a marriage) if they are insecure. And what's the biggest indication of insecurity? Jealousy. If you have issues with jealousy or insecurity, you need help, not a relationship. 


9. Doing everything together. Everyone needs some time to themselves. Having separate hobbies and friends enhances your relationship.


10. Taking them for granted. Put in the effort on a daily basis to show how important they are to you by paying attention and showing gratitude.