Dr. Laura Blog

Why are some people afraid to love?  I can give you a handful of reasons: 

(1) Fear of disapproval
People fear disapproval.  Some of you are afraid of crossing religious, racial, national, political, educational, and social lines.  Some of you are afraid to love because you are gay.  There are all kinds of things people fear will make their families and/or the general public shun them -- they are afraid to love because there will be hell to pay. 

(2) Fear of being consumed
Some of us have a fear of being consumed, especially in today's climate.  Let's say you had a mommy who was way past "helicopter" to the point of "octopus."  Her love meant you had no room...no space...no self beyond her tentacles.  Some people who grew up under that situation are a little afraid to love because they don't want to feel that again. 

(3) Fear of commitment
You've heard this a million times - some people just fear commitment.  Commitment is a conscious choice, but it is always faced with the challenges of an unconscious brain.  People may deny that they are in love because commitment keeps them answerable to their "conscience," and the resulting guilt feels like it is too much.  There are ways you need to behave in order to get love in return and make love survive. 

(4) Fear of loss
Some people have faced a lot of loss in life -- rejection, abandonment, a parent's death, suicide, being dumped by some idiot they met on the Internet.  They are afraid and don't buy the "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."  They're in the "it's better to not love than go though all the pain again."  It's foolish, and their negativity will probably make a relationship end. 

(5) Fear of disappointing    
There are people who just fear disappointing their partner.  They think, "When they really get to know me...when they see me naked...when they see I have problems, they'll be disappointed.  It's better to just keep my distance." 

(6) Fear of being found out
Some people don't want to love because they are still searching for the perfect mommy, whether they are male or female.  Loving somebody is not the issue -- being perfectly mommied is.  They will look for situations where they are perfectly mommied, but they don't give love.  Just like a screaming baby throwing up food out one end and pooping out the other, they take but do not give love. 

Additional information can be found here.

Here is a call I took from "Julianna" whose fear of rejection, which stems from her sperm donor father's abandonment, makes her afraid to love.