Parenting

By Harry H Harrison Jr.
FearlessParenting.com

Pity the parent of an undisciplined child. Their life is chaos. They never know when the eruption will come: in the middle of a grocery store because their child wants a toy; in the middle of a furniture store because their child is bored and starts jumping on sofas to the consternation of the sales staff; in the middle of a neighborhood party when their child starts screaming over a toy it can't play with.

Obviously the list goes on...and on...all the way to high school when they're sitting in the principal's office after their teen has been caught cheating on tests, copying homework and skipping school. And they think about what friends and family have all wondering for the past 18 years, "What kind of child are you raising? And what kind of parent are you?"

So let's remember a couple of things: all kids act like kids. They spill things. They run into things. They can break down into tears or take a swing at another child for taking their toys. They might even try talking back to their parents to see what happens. But here's a rule you can write down on your refrigerator: a child who's an embarrassment to his parents at 3, at 10, at 14, at 18 will also be an embarrassment to them when their kids are 30.

Why? Because they've never learned discipline. Discipline is the art of not doing something when you want to, and doing something when you don't want to. Yes, this involves disciplining your kids, (horrors I know), but even more important, teaching them an internal discipline that override their emotions, the feelings and their impulses.

Here's how to do that.

1. Remember expectations of behavior should start early. We can love and cuddle our baby and toddler but the first time he hits and hurts us, an instant consequence should follow. One day my young son was playing with his mother in her closet when he hauled off and smacked her with a shoe in the face. Stunned, she popped him firmly, not violently, back across the face to startle him, registering with him what it felt like. He never hit her again.
2. Be firm in your expectations of your children's behavior. Talk about them at dinner frequently. Don't relax them because it's her birthday, or because he's tired, or because she had a fight with her best friend. This is where children learn discipline can overcome their emotions.
3. Be around your kids frequently. Plop them in the stroller at courtside when you play tennis, take them with you when you play golf. Model the behavior you expect when you hit a bad shot or can't find your ball. Show them life can be fun, even when it isn't going your way.
4. Never, ever, ever put up with them talking back in public. Yank them out of the store, into your car and yes, with an open hand, swat them across the butt. Remember this: the fear of physical pain should far, far outweigh the actual pain. You want to stop negative behavior in their tracks. If they are afraid of your reaction, they will curtail their behavior.
5. Do not offer bribes for good behavior. Soon you'll be buying them a Corvette so you can eat dinner in peace.
6. Watch their playmates. If their friends are spoiled brats, get new friends. Kids learn from other kids.
7. While I don't condone bribery, a reward for good behavior every two or three months is a good thing. By making it irregular, a child doesn't expect every time, but learns there is a future reward.
8. Be careful in your praise. Good behavior should be an expectation, not as a means to being told, "You're the best little girl in the world."
9. Don't ever be embarrassed by your child's lack of athletic skill or musical skill or if she let in the winning goal. Your child needs to experience love and acceptance when she fails, not your misplaced egotistical embarrassment over their failure.
10. Work on being proud of your children. Of their mistakes and failures, of their successes and triumphs. You may have to pray to God for Him to show you your child's outstanding qualities. Seriously, don't laugh. Many parents do this.

The bottom line is, the more we instill discipline in our child, and the more we recognize what is wonderful and God-given in our child, the more we will be proud of them. And that will lead our children to accomplish even more wonderful things.

Harry H Harrison Jr. is a New York Times best-selling parenting author with over 3.5 million books in print. He has been interviewed on over 25 television programs, and featured in over 75 local and national radio stations including NPR. His books are available in over thirty-five countries throughout Western Europe, Eastern Europe, Norway, South America, China, Saudi Arabia and in the Far East. For more information visit www.fearlessparenting.com.  Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.