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You Hurt Me, So I'll Hurt You

Hi, I'm Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  Welcome to our YouTube channel, where I get to answer your questions.  And this one's from Carly:

"I am 26 years old and dating an amazing guy. [Good start.]  We dated once before, but I broke it off.  [Uh oh.]  Then I found myself completely, irresistibly compelled to ask for a second chance, and he took me back.

Our relationship has not been easy with the history that comes along with it.  My boyfriend is a caring, loyal, sweet man, but small, painful, things continue to come up.

For example, he made a negative comment about a photo of me taken before we met.  [(Laughs) Well maybe it wasn't a great photo.]  He continues to do things like this occasionally despite the multiple times I have explained to him how much it hurts. He sees the pain he causes in the way I react, yet has not stopped. So, I started giving him a dose of his own medicine and, my, oh my, does he hate it. If he makes a hurtful comment about my past [and that's different than about a photo, huh?], I bring up something about his past. I don't agree with making a relationship a tit-for-tat score board, but I honestly do not know how else to get the point to sink in."

Dr. Laura, am I right to fight fire with fire or am I simply burning everything around us?

(That must be a writer; that's a very clever question.)  "My boyfriend is a caring, loyal, sweet man..." but you never told me why you dumped him in the first place and then you ask him if you could come back.  So, gosh darn, I wish there was more information than that.  But you go from him making a negative comment about a photo...  Well, can't he be honest if the photo makes you look silly or something?  I mean these are not necessarily comments that have an intent to hurt. 
But then you say, "He continues to do things like this occasionally despite the times I've explained to him how much it hurts."  Well maybe you have to toughen up a little bit because I'm not getting the sense...since the only example you gave was his comment about a picture, and we all have stupid stuff in our past and you have to learn how to have a little more of a sense of humor and not be so hyper-sensitive is what I'm thinking.  And no, I don't see that because I'm hurt, I'm justified hurting you.  I never saw that as a good way to have a good relationship. 

So if he looks at a picture of you and says, "Eww, that hairdo," then look at it and go, "Yeah, well that wasn't my best hairdo."  Nobody's hurt, nobody's mad - it's over.  Stop being so hyper-sensitive.  Love is not about only saying the things that are going to make you feel good.  Honest comments may embarrass you or quirk you a little bit but stop being so sensitive.  Stop being so sensitive.  Stop being so sensitive!  Next time make a joke about it.  Try that as a response.  If this man sincerely means to hurt you, then you should dump him [raises wrist and looks down at watch] as of now.

I'm Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  Until next time on our YouTube channel.



Tags: Admiration, Attitude, Behavior, Dating, Men's Point of View, Respect, Values, Women's Point of View
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