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Grace-Full Parenting By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller Have you noticed more than a hint of anger creeping into your parenting style? Do you parent more with your vocal chords than you do with your heart? Are the typical frustrations, annoyances, and irritations associated with parenting beginning to get you down? Are you feeling like you need a two week vacation from your children? If your answer to any of these questions is "yes," you may need the gift of grace-full parenting. Grace-full parenting is parenting that comes from the heart. It holds children in a state of grace, even as they are held accountable for their behaviors. It communicates love and caring while simultaneously implementing necessary discipline strategies. Described below are 12 strategies for infusing grace into your parenting style. Consider using them to become an increasingly grace-full parent. Assume the stance that mistakes are permitted here Do not assign a positive or negative value to your children#146;s mistakes. Instead, simply see those errors as choices that offer opportunities for growth. Do not name a behavior a "mistake" or judge it until you see how the child chooses to use it. If your teenager gets a speeding ticket, is confronted with the consequences, and then uses that experience to slow her driving, was the ticket a good thing or a bad thing? If your child forgets to put his bike away and loses the opportunity to use it for a few days and learns from that experience to see himself as cause, is forgetting to put the bike away good or bad? Refuse to see children#146;s mistakes as bad, wrong, terrible, or awful. See them instead as opportunities for growth, as data and feedback to be used for learning. Children make mistakes. Why not add grace to your parenting style by choosing to see those mistakes as valuable, important cogs in the learning process? Separate the deed from the doer Children are not their behavior. They are not their report card. They are not their table manners. They are not their anger. Those behaviors are only their behavior in the present moment. It is not who and what they are as human beings. "I like you and I don't like that behavior," is Parent Talk that separates the deed from the doer. It tells the child that it is the behavior that is inappropriate. Love remains for the child while the behavior is disliked. Using a communication style that clearly separates the deed from the doer keeps your verbal responses full of grace. Accept that what is...is The fact is that your twins did decorate the kitchen wall with permanent markers. That's what is. No amount of anger, frustration, noise, or irritation will change that. The wall is the wall and it is covered with permanent marker. Yes, work to make changes on a physical level. Teach the necessary lessons to encourage that markers are to be used for writing on paper. Involve your children in cleanup. Implement appropriate consequences if necessary. Dealing with the situation on the physical level is important and necessary---and that part of parenting can be handled more effectively if you emotionally accept your present-moment circumstances. See it all as perfect Another way to become a grace-full parent is to see your present parenting circumstance as perfect. If your child is disrespectful to her grandparent, why not see that situation as the perfect way for your daughter to communicate to you that she needs to learn more about respect for the elderly? It is also the perfect time and the perfect opportunity for you to teach a lesson on respect. When your child leaves his toys out, that is the perfect time for him to learn about what happens when he makes that choice. If your teen turns off the alarm and goes back to sleep, that becomes the perfect opportunity to allow her to experience the natural consequences of being late for school. If the dishes are stacked up in the kitchen, that#146;s the perfect time to delay dinner until the kitchen is in order. Choose to view the present parenting events that show up in your life as opportunities to practice seeing it all as perfect. See your children as unfinished Your children are only beginning to move down the path of becoming who they are meant to be. Yes, there will be imperfection. Yes, there will be derailments. Yes, they will experience delays and misdirection. Don#146;t we all? None of us is complete and finished. God is not done with any of us yet. Keep that in mind as you raise your children and you will move closer to parenting that is full of grace. Make no assumptions. Beware of the assumption trap. As parents we think we know. We think we know why our child lied to us. We think we know what she is thinking. We think we know what she will do next. We assume we know who started the fight in the next room. And our assumptions are not always accurate. If you remind your ten year old about his responsibilities with the garbage, and he turns and walks away, you assume he didn't hear you or that he heard and doesn't care. With your assumption firmly in place, you use a tone and volume in your next communication that escalates the incident. Before you find out your son was on his way to get his shoes so he could take the garbage to the road, the situation sinks to a lower lever. Keep your communication on the high road, and use grace-full parenting by freeing your mind of assumptions. Focus on the situation, not on the child's character or personality When you are frustrated, upset, or irritated with a child#146;s behavior, speak to the situation. If you see the recently purchased baseball glove laying out in the rain, tell your daughter, "I see a brand new baseball glove laying out in the rain. I feel irritated. Baseball gloves belong in the garage with the sports equipment." This style of communication talks about the situation. It refrains from attacking character of belittling personality. "What are you blind? You have no value of money. Get your lazy butt out there and take care of it," addresses character. Comments about eyesight, money values or laziness are about personality and thus, lack grace. By speaking to the situation instead of a child's character you refrain from wounding their spirit and stay firmly grounded in grace-full parenting. Implement consequences with an open heart Remember, implementing consequences, holding your children accountable for their actions is one of the most loving things you can do as a parent. It is not the severity of a consequence that has the impact. Consequences do not need to be severe. They only need to be certain. Let children experience the related, respectful, legitimate consequences of their behavior. But do it from a heart-felt space. Let the consequence come from the love and concern within you rather than from disgust, anger, or feelings of retribution or revenge. Give second opportunities Once a specific consequence has been experienced, give the child another opportunity to handle the responsibility. If your child fails in his responsibility to put his bike away at dark, he loses the opportunity to ride that bike for a few days. Three days later he needs another opportunity to show he can handle that responsibility. If he doesn#146;t choose to take care of his responsibility, implement the consequence again. Later, give another opportunity. Lessons aren#146;t always learned the first time. Grace requires many opportunities to learn the lessons that are before us. Extend those opportunities and you regularly extend grace to your children. Search for solutions To parent grace-fully you must believe that fixing the problem is more important than fixing blame. Searching for solutions and problem-solving puts you in a teaching mode. Handing out punishments places you in the role of policeperson, judge, and warden. Grace occurs when errors are corrected, not when they are punished. Energy spent blaming your son for spilling milk does not improve his milk-pouring skills for next time. Angrily reprimanding your daughter for forgetting to feed the dog does not insure that the dog will be fed tomorrow. Invest your time searching for and creating solutions and problems will not need to be continually addressed. By solving a parenting problem while refraining from punishing, you apply grace to the situation. Look for the gift. As you stay home with your sick child, your mind may send you messages of #147;poor me#148; and #147;this isn#146;t fair.#148; Your mind is taking the victim stance by generating limiting thoughts and concentrating on negativity. Change your mind about your present circumstance by looking for the gift that it offers. It could be an opportunity to clean out a closet, wash the car, or catch up on thank you notes. Perhaps there is a gift waiting for you in a chance to snuggle with your daughter and watch a video. Maybe your gift arrives as a change in routine, a day off work, or time to play your guitar. The gift is there. It#146;s up to you to train your mind to find it. If you do so, you will take another step into grace-full parenting. Stay in the present. Focusing on the present and forgetting about the past is essential to the state of grace. Treat every discipline situation as if it was happening for the first time. Remove phrases like, #147;OK mister, that#146;s the third time this week,#148; #147;This is getting to be a pattern with you, isn#146;t it?#146; and #147;Here we go again,#148; from your Parent Talk repertoire. If your son wet his bed for the fifth time this week, approach the fifth time as if it were the first. This ensures you treat your children as they are right now rather than holding them to what they have been in the past. Grace-full parenting takes practice. It requires a conscious effort to purposefully implement the ideas above. Make these suggestions a priority in your life and add grace to your parenting style. Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of #147;The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose," (available from Personal Power Press at toll free 877-360-1477, amazon.com, and bookstores everywhere). They also publish FREE email newsletters, one for parents and another for couples. Subscribe to one or both at ipp57@aol.com . Visit www.chickmoorman.com and www.thomashaller.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

How Your Divorce Impacts Your Children By Armin Brott Author of Father for Life If you were divorced a while ago, you may only now be seeing the results. Ten years after their parents#146; divorce, young women who are now nineteen to twenty-three are afraid of intimacy with a male, afraid of betrayal, and/or afraid of losing love, says clinical psychologist Clay Tucker-Ladd. Young men the same age have many of the same issues. Ten years after the divorce, 40 percent of them are drifting in school, and don#146;t have any real sense of self-direction. There#146;s a pretty good chance that you#146;re still suffering too. According to Tucker-Ladd#146;s research, 30 to 50 percent of divorced couples are still bitter after the divorce ten years after the fact. Your divorce, whether it happened a while ago or right now, is going to have a big impact on your relationships with your adult children. Later in life, divorced fathers get less care from and are less likely to live with an adult child, according to a study conducted by Barbara Steinberg Schone, Ph.D., of the Agency for Health Care Policy and Research, and Liliana Pezzin, Ph.D., of the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine. If you thought that getting remarried would make things better, you#146;d be wrong. Remarried parents get less care from their children#151;and provide less cash assistance to them#151;than parents who are either in intact marriages or haven#146;t remarried, according to Schone and Pezzin. For stepfathers there#146;s an interesting double standard. Although dads#146; ties with their step kids are not typically as strong as they are with their biological children, adult children get along better with stepfathers than with stepmothers, according to Harvard sociologist Constance Ahrons. About half of adult children whose mothers had remarried consider their stepfathers parents and were happy about the new marriage. But only about a third of adult kids whose fathers had remarried liked the idea of having a stepmother and considered her a parent. If you think about this, it actually makes sense. In cases of divorce, more mothers get custody. That means that when Mom remarries, the kids have a chance to establish a good relationship with their new stepfather. Since they don#146;t spend as much time with their biological father, it#146;s natural that the kids wouldn#146;t bond nearly as well with his new wife. A nationally recognized parenting expert, Armin Brott is the author of Father for Life, The Expectant Father: Facts, Tips, and Advice for Dads-to-Be; The New Father: A Dad#146;s Guide to the First Year, A Dad#146;s Guide to the Toddler Years, Throwaway Dads , and The Single Father: A Dad#146;s Guide to Parenting without a Partner . He has written on parenting and fatherhood for the More >>

11 Secrets to Helping Your Child Handle CliquesAnd Navigate That Vicious Social Jungle By Michele Borba, Ed.D. Excerpted from Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them Jossey-Bass April 2005. ISBN 0-7879-7662-8 Being #147;in#148; is every child#146;s dream, but being excluded is painful. There#146;s nothing worse than sitting alone in the cafeteria or not getting the invitations. Cliques rule. Trying to break in can be as tough as trying to make it into an exclusive country club or sorority. This isn#146;t about trying to make your child Miss or Mr. Popularity #150; this is about helping your child avoid a diet of put-downs and as much as you wish, you can#146;t take away your child#146;s pain from exclusion nor promise her that she will be included in the group#146;s next exclusive gathering. There are a few things you can say and do to help your child learn to navigate the social jungle, bounce back from rejection, and learn to fit in. Here are eleven ideas to try the next time your child suffers from the pain of rejection or complains: #147;Nobody likes me.#148; Be empathic. #147;I know how tough it must be to be shunned like this. Let#146;s figure out what we can do about it.#148; Provide a balance view. #147;Everyone does not hate you. What about your friend, Harold?#148; #147;Nobody has it made at first.#148; #147;A lot of famous people were unpopular in high school like Bill Gates, Steven Spielberg, or Christina Aguilar. You#146;ll find your niche.#148; Don#146;t press too hard. #147;This is a tough topic. I#146;m here when you need me.#148; It can be humiliating for your child to confess this kind of rejection. Just being available and supportive may be a good first step. Later she may open up. Don#146;t knock the other kids. Yes they#146;re snubbing your kid, but criticizing them won#146;t help. Your child wants their friendship, so don#146;t say: #147;Those kids are stupid. Why would you want to be friends with them anyway.#148; Do say: #147;We can see those kids have their way of seeing and doing things. We just have to find a way for you to fit in.#148; Talk to teachers. Is it as bad as your kid makes it out to be? Find out the reality of cliques in your school by talking to those adults who are with the kids every day. Start with one ally. One friend can be your child#146;s social entry card. Tell your child to not to aim at first for the whole group but start with just a one to one relationship with someone already there. Help him blend in. Superficial as it may seem to you, having the right look, clothing, and hairstyle can be critical for being accepted by a clique. Take a good look at the crowd your child is trying to join, and then make a few suggestions. Point for a different direction. If your child rebuffed by one group, encourage her to try another that may be more appropriate. Sociological studies have revealed an amazing number of different cliques and groups on a typical high school campus including everything from athletes to geeks and arty-types. Encourage special strengths. Help your child identify what#146;s really special or unique about them like being a good singer, writer, musician, artist, athlete, a dedicated community worker. Use positive labels help her reframe herself. Ultimately this can both increase her self-confidence and make her more attractive to new friends. Help manage frustrations. This kind of rejection can be very traumatic so offer your child healthy outlets and strategies for coping. Suggest she keep a journal, talk to mentor, express herself in her favorite creative way such as music, painting, or drawing. Watch for downslide. If you think your child is really having a hard time, be available. Schedule a few weekends together. Take him to the gym with you. Take her to lunch. Tune into any red flags like poor grades, changing in eating or sleeping, mood swings, anger or withdrawal which could indicate problems he#146;s not discussing with you. If things get really tough, consider seeking professional help. Michele Borba, Ed.D. is an internationally renown educator, motivational speaker, who has presented keynotes and workshops to over one million parents and teachers on four continents, and is the recipient of the National Educator Award. Dr. Borba serves on honorary board to Parents magazine and has appeared as a guest expert on Today, The Early Show, The View, Fox Friends, MSNBC, and NPR. She is the award-winning author of 20 books including More >>

Love the One You#146;re With: A Lesson in Organizational Tolerance Copyright 2001, Debbie Williams Whether you are highly organized, a total messie, or somewhere in between, tolerating the organizing habits of those you live with is crucial to everyday living. There is nothing worse than being constantly reminded to pick up your dirty shirts off the bedroom floor by your wife, or to lighten by an oh-so-messy wife. I#146;m sure none of you have ever tried to change the one you love (or at least won#146;t admit to it!), but take it from me#151;it just won#146;t work! Believe me, I#146;ve tried everything in my organizing bag of tricks to change the habits of my packrat husband, and nothing short of separate living quarters will come anywhere close to changing him. But that#146;s not such a bad thing to admit, and in fact when I finally DID stop trying to change his ways, accepting him for who he is, I found myself being much more calm and less stressed. After all, I did choose him, for better or worse, and those packrat tendencies are what make him such a great mechanic and all-around Mr. Fixit. So who am I to try to change his collecting habits? I can recommend a few ways to live with a clutterbug, or avoid nagging from your significant other. His and Hers prep centers, Off-Limits Zones, and Compromised Areas are just the starting points for creating harmony in your home. His Hers- If you have a spare bathroom in your home or apartment, consider setting up work areas separately, and just tidy up the one nearest the guestroom when you do have those infrequent guests. Many a marriage has been spared by using this simple technique, and I highly recommend it. Having an area all your own to spread, stack, or hide from view makes those morning rituals go all the more smoothly. If you don#146;t have the luxury of separate bathrooms , designate a drawer that is just for you and another that is just for him. Respect his need to have everything out in sight, and don#146;t expect him to share your need to tuck it away neatly into drawers. There is room for both organizing styles here. Off Limits#151;If you live with a clutterbug, designate a room or area in your home that is totally off limits for cleaning, decluttering, and rearranging. This could be the attic, garage, basement, or home office. Maybe it#146;s just a corner of your bedroom that has been claimed by your messy spouse , but he does have the right to keep it the way he chooses. This no-man#146;s-land doesn#146;t come without a price, however#151;it not only avoids the spring cleaning brigade, but will gather dust and not garner the same routine respect as the other untidy parts of the house. Try to make your limits known to the self-proclaimed organizer in your home so that there are no misunderstandings. If you don#146;t mind occasional dusting and vacuuming around the piles, then say so. But if you don#146;t want any cleaning within a ten foot radius, then stake your claim now! Compromised Areas- Many of us don#146;t have the luxury of having separate offices or private spaces in our homes, and since this is the real world, we need to relearn how to share. The rule that worked with your brother in third grade of not crossing over the invisible in your bedroom won#146;t go over too well with your wife! After all, it won#146;t really kill her to look at that towering stack of Consumer Reports in the corner of the living room, will it? And you can try not to throw all her toss pillows onto the floor each time you need to crash on the couch. A decent compromise might be for her to move those decorative (but impractical) pillows to her favorite chair or to another room of the house entirely. And maybe she can corral those magazines into a large wicker basket or copper kettle for storage. You#146;ll both be happier knowing that your property and your egos have been spared brutal attacks by the overly organized. I could probably provide you with more tips to help you and create neutral territories in your own home, but I#146;m sure you#146;re already plotting ways to keep peace with the one you love. Feel free to get creative with your storage solutions and don#146;t hesitate to work together to bring harmony into your own love nest. Don#146;t worry#151;if you miss the clutter, you can always into your teenager#146;s room#151;you#146;ll feel right at home again. Debbie Williams is an author, speaker and radio host who offers toolsand training to help you put your life in order. Learn more tips like these in her book, Common Sense Organizing (Champion Press Ltd, January 2005). Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com More >>

Celebrating Momm www.thebusywoman.com No, I did not misspell it! How many times a day when little ones are in a home do you hear, "Moooommmmmm!!! Mommmmmmmm!!!?" Even now with teenagers I hear it often. When I signed up as an AOL Community Leader in the Academic Assistance Center, back in 1995, I had to choose a screen name. Hence, ProfMomm, Professional Mom was born. This is how I sign my notes to my children. I am proud to be Mom. However, when my first two children were babies, I had a hard time grasping what I was supposed to do all day. I sometimes cried from the loneliness being home all day with my first baby. She was a doll and I enjoyed every moment with her. But when the house was clean and we were done eating, I didn't know what to do with myself. Oh we'd take walks and go to the park. But there were usually two or more moms talking in their groups. They all had something together and I lived just a couple blocks away too many to be included. There's only SO much play you can do in a day with a baby. Next my son came along and I had to learn to manage two of them all day. Things were still about the same except for the sleepless nights because of my son's colic. Moving on, our third child was born and her ears were always infected so she lived on my hip and the sleepless nights continued. I couldn't blame the children for my sleepless nights. For my sanity, at about 12 noon each day, I'd tell the children that it was time for everyone to have quiet time. They would complain because they wanted to be outside or in front of TV, etc... I came up with this, "We all need quiet time. Even mommies need quiet time. Do you know what happens to your mommy when she doesn't get her quiet time?" Their eyes would open big and they'd say, "Uh ohhhhh." I'd go on, "Mommy turns into "Mommy Monster!"" I'd snarl and make faces and chase them into their bedrooms. They'd run laughing all the way down the hall. Of course I was carrying the baby and gave her certain toys she only played with at that time, each day, in her crib. I didn't require them to sleep. They could do anything they wanted as long as it was relaxing and quiet. But instead of yelling and screaming, I explained to them that if I didn't get MY needed rest I would turn into a monster. The point is that it took a LOT of thinking and ingenuity to come up with things to help me stay sane and still be a good mom. We had a rigid schedule because I home schooled. But that proved to be great because we would schedule in 3-5 hours of "Free Time" per day! I did this by setting up the house so that there was a place for everything and everything had a place. It took about a month or so to get it that way, but it is well worth the effort. Now, 20 years of marriage and three teenagers later, there have been a lot of changes and hard lessons learned. We all say we are going to do better than our parents. And in some things we do. But I'll never forget my mom telling me that one day I'll understand this and one day I'll understand that... The past 4 months or so have been my awakening. On my way home from a recent trip I felt the need to stop in and tell my parents how much I appreciate and love them. I must have said it 10 times. I now understand what mom meant all those years. And oh how I appreciate them, the things they sacrificed, the things they did for us. When I came home from school as a child my mom would greet me with a smile and hug and say, "Hi Honey! How was your day?" I can still hear her. My mom has not always been the gentle mom she is now. That's where I came up with mommy monster after all. However, I can see things more clearly now because I had so many of the same "Mommy Monster" Days with my children as she did with me. As a child though, you don't quite understand the reality of the situation. Somehow I don't remember the difficult times as vividly as I did before. I mostly remember all the gentle quiet times she shared with me. When I was in preschool, she helped out in the classroom and at one point was my teacher for a short time at a preschool. Then during the days I was home I remember her teaching me how to play cards. Her favorite at that time was Gin Rummy and you know what, my mom never let me win. That was a big deal! She would beat me fair and square. But on the off chance I would actually win, I KNEW that I had really won! I seem to recall many games of gin rummy, go fish, crazy eights, war, and slap jack. I remember; watching TV with her, getting to sneak some of the yummy food before her guests came for her Pan game, gentle rocking when I hurt or was sad (This one I remember most!). I remember her always being on all but two field trips I went on throughout my elementary school years and the ones she missed were only because she had surgery during one and was sick for the other. But she had the teacher sit with me on the bus to make sure I didn't get sick. This is a tribute to MY Momm and Yours for all of their diligent service as Moms, their hard work, unconditional love, sacrifices and most of all, warm hugs. Seems as though when we get older, the good memories replace the bad and we can then see who our moms really are. I hope that happens to you sooner than it did me. Thank you Mom!!! copyright 2002 Susie Glennan Susie Glennan is the President of the Busy Woman, Inc. - DBA: The Busy Woman's Daily Plannerreg;. Her products have been featured in Real Simple and Parenting Magazines, CBS Early Show, San Antonio Living Show and many more! She is the editor of Organizing Round-Up as well as Busy Woman Tips Articles. Susie has been happily married since 1982. She is mom to 3, a Home Maker, Teacher, Toastmaster, Speaker and is Author of numerous articles that have been published in magazines and across the web. www.thebusywoman.com Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com More >>

In an Enviable Position: Dealing with Envious Attacks at Work and at Home By Leslie Godwin, MFCC Jill, a reader in Virginia, emailed me about a serious problem she ran into at work. "I worked very hard for three years on a project. And when it took off, you could say I got too much recognition. The project was used in many of my boss' presentations as a success story, I was invited to meetings abroad, and I was nominated to special committees. "But instead of my co-workers giving me credit for doing a good job, they kept looking for my dark side. 'She's just ambitious,' the nasty ones would say. The nice ones just told me not to work so hard. "I tried to compensate for the negative reaction of some of my co-workers by being extra nice and even more helpful. This backfired. My office roommate, who'd been a close friend for years stopped talking to me for several months. Everything I did seemed to irritate her. "My husband and family tried to get it through my head that it wasn't my fault; that this was her problem. Funny, now that her life is happier, we're close friends again." DIAGNOSIS: ENVY Envy at work affects many of us, but it's often very hard to identify. I had a similar situation many years ago myself, and tried some of the same things Jill did. I wanted to win my colleagues over by being even more kind and thoughtful. I couldn't understand it when that only led to more intense attacks on me and my work. A psychologist at the hospital where I worked finally explained to me what was going on. I, like Jill, was the recipient of envious attacks from certain disgruntled co-workers. WHAT IS ENVY? Being envied feels like someone is attacking something good about you...it can even feel like you're being attacked for just being who you are. Envy occurs when someone who doesn't feel like they get what they need in life attacks what is good in you. They believe (on a deep level) that if they can spoil what's good in you, they'll level the playing field and won't feel so badly about themselves. STAY-AT-HOME MOMS ARE OFTEN THE VICTIMS OF ENVY Jill was envied by some unhappy co-workers, but many SAHM's are envied by those who wish they could be full-time parents. I don't mean to say that most hard-working moms are envious of those who stay home with their children. Being envious is NOT the same as wishing you could do something differently. Envy feels like you want to attack the person who has what you want. If they make homemade cookies for a school event, you find yourself angry at them for showing off that they have the time to bake. You'd be quick to jump on anything they say about their life as if they were constantly angling to show their superiority. Many SAHM's I've worked with have talked about neighbors shunning them or ridiculing them behind their back. Their reaction to the attacks is often similar to what Jill and I experienced. They try to downplay the fact that they are home and enjoy it, and they try to pacify those who attack them, sure that if they only knew how hard their life is, they wouldn't be so envious. But their efforts are in vain, since the envious person does not have empathy for them and feels that THEY are the victim, not the SAHM. WHAT NOT TO DO IF YOU ARE THE VICTIM OF ENVIOUS ATTACKS: DON'T: Don't identify with your envier and try to appease, blame yourself, or win them over Don't stop being yourself Don't leave yourself open to more attacks Don't withdraw so much that you're denying your normal and healthy needs for relationships (this can lead to burnout, among other problems.) Jill explained that the more she downplayed her role on the project, and the nicer she was to her attackers, the more irritated they became. She started to act very quiet and withdrawn, afraid to draw any attention to herself. Once she saw that there was a pattern -- it was the unhappy people who tended to be envious -- she started to realize that her husband and family had a point. She hadn't brought this upon herself with her behavior or attitude, and she couldn't solve it by being nicer or blending into the woodwork. WHAT YOU SHOULD CONSIDER DOING: DO: Do keep your distance from your envier. Think of their envy as a kind of poison that will make you sick if you're in contact with it. Do be yourself; try as best you can not to take their attacks personally Do identify true friends and supporters, and focus on these positive relationships Do give up the wish that you can win over your envier by being kind or explaining yourself to them Do ask for guidance from a higher source. Pray, meditate, or tune into your intuition...whatever you can do to listen to a source of wisdom above and beyond the natural reactions anyone would have to these confusing attacks. Jill recommends choosing your friends carefully, but then sharing everything with those trusted friends. Some traits she looks for now in friends and co-workers are those who don't gossip about others, are kind and compassionate, and seem happy in their own lives. She adds, "I also learned to practice certain responses so I was ready for the nosy questions these disgruntled co-workers would ask me. I can get nervous when put on the spot, so that made me feel more confident." Jill found that the more she "held my head up, treated myself with respect, and stopped sharing so much with those who didn't have my best interest in mind, that things got much better." Leslie Godwin, MFCC, is a Career Life-Transition Coach specializing in helping people put their families, faith, and principles first when making career and life choices. Leslie is the author of, " From Burned Out to Fired Up: A Woman's Guide to Rekindling the Passion and Meaning in Work and Life " published by Health Communications. For more information, go to www.LeslieGodwin.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com More >>

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A Fresh Resolve for the New Year: Patience by Ann Brazil www.timeouttot.com Recently a number of mom-friends shared their New Year#146;s resolutions with me. Each mother has resolved to be more patient with her children. This is great news! Patience is an immensely important topic for parents and children. Over the next months as a regular feature of this newsletter, we#146;ll closely examine many of the factors that can influence patience. Join me every month as we put patience under the magnifying glass: why do we lose it, when do we need it most, what can we do to cultivate it, and how can we stretch it a bit further? I invite you to return here again and again for support. The facets of patience #150; and their significance to you #150; are manifold. The mothers who shared their resolutions with us reveal just a few. One mother is a public attorney who describes herself as a #147;bookish intellectual.#148; She feels guilty for taking no interest in playing #147;mindless one-on-one games#148; with her daughter. Another mother is a stay-at-home mom and describes her job as #147;hard work#148; and finds that her fuse gets short when she is over-worked. A third mother finds it painfully ironic that as a schoolteacher she seems to have loads of patience for her twenty 2nd graders, but at home with her toddler she loses it in an instant. These mothers#146; challenges with patience, or lack of it, are very real and very human. So are yours. What exactly is patience? The English word patience comes from the Latin root pati , which literally means #147;to suffer#148;. Despite the fact that these mothers have openly acknowledged that they lose their patience when they feel they are #147;suffering,#148; it is doubtful these mothers#146; resolve is to suffer more this year. They seek ways to calmly face their parenting difficulties with greater poise and understanding. Their resolve, then, is to transform their #147;suffering#148; into a virtue, like compassion. When we calmly endure our children#146;s imperfect behavior, maintaining that they are good, but little and still learning, we not only model one of the most valuable human virtues (patience), we then have the wherewithall to teach them #147;proper behavior.#148; Here are a few guidelines you and your child will appreciate. They are designed to help you cultivate and exercise more patience in those familiar patience-testing situations: Know what pushes your buttons. The last three times you snapped, just what exactly snapped you? Give yourself a reality check. Is your child intentionally pushing your buttons? Probably not. Social skills are learned, just like math and science. As Tot reminds us in his theme song, they#146;re learning . They will make mistakes. Remember you are the teacher. Your child learns by observing your example. What is the example you set when the little things lead to regrettable outbursts? Switch roles. Why can#146;t you just sit still!? Better to answer the question before you shout it. How do you set yourself up for disaster? Do you truly expect your toddler to wait patiently and quietly while you shop the post-Christmas sales at Nordstrom and Neiman Marcus? If so, did you bring a toy for her to play with while you wait in that line at the cash-wrap? Think like a child and think ahead. Put your lifestyle under the microscope. When you#146;re coming down from the morning#146;s mocha latte boost, are you more likely to lose it? Do you really need so much caffeine? You drink a glass of Merlot to relax: does it actually relax you or put you on edge? Getting enough sleep? Exercise? Do you prepare ahead for the next day? Breathe easy. Ever notice how contracted your breath becomes when you#146;re under stress? Just as your state of mind can change the way you breathe, your breath can change your state of mind also. Calm, even breathing steadies your mind, opens a space for patience to enter, and helps you detach from the buttons that, when pushed, ignite emotional outbursts. Your Homework for January Self-awareness is crucial if your resolution is to exercise more patience in 2005. This month, begin to notice what sets you off. Look for the patterns that lead to the misbehavior that tries your patience most. What is the time of day? Is your child tired? Hungry? Is he or she frustrated but unable to say why? For now, just take a look at yourself and your child in the mirror of each hour. Set your watch alarm to go off once every hour, if need be. When you hear the beep, check in with yourself. How#146;s it going? Keep a notepad and pen handy to jot down a quick note to yourself. And don#146;t forget to add a little reminder#133; you#146;re learning too#133;we all are. Learning from our mistakes may be the most painful learning process, but it#146;s the most productive! Please share your ideas and insights about patience with me and other readers. You#146;re always encouraged and welcome to drop me a line at www.TimeOutTot.com . Written by Ann Brazil, creator of TimeOut Tot -- the six-time award-winning program that teaches preschoolers good behavior. For more go to: www.timeouttot.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Valentines Day on A Dime By Tawra Kellam www.LivingOnADime.com Using a little imagination, you can make your Valentines Day a little more fun and a lot less expensive. If you want to add a little personalized romance or if you don#146;t have the time or money to buy all the pre-made things in the store, here are some ideas from www.LivingOnADime.com to help you make the day special. For the Kids: My mom always made a great but inexpensive Valentines Day treats for us. She would take construction paper and cut a big heart out of it. (About 8x10 inches) then she would staple the edges together and write our names and I love you on the outside. Then she would fill the heart with candy, purchased on clearance after Christmas. It was very inexpensive but we loved it! Do a Valentines treasure hunt. Leave little notes around with the last one leading back to the kitchen table with heart full of candy. For Lunches: Make heart shaped Valentines cookies, cut the kids (or hubby#146;s) sandwiches with a heart shaped cookie cutter to make a heart sandwich. Add a few Valentines chocolates and put a note in red with a big heart on their napkin. Serve anything red for the day. Serve red Jell-o, red pudding, red apples, toast with strawberry jelly, tomato soup, red applesauce, red Kool-aid, strawberry milk, or red frosted cookies. Use powered food coloring from the cake store to get the deepest shade of red. Leave sticks of red gum in their Valentines Day cards. Make red heart shaped cupcakes. Make cupcakes as usual but place a marble down the side of the muffin tin between the muffin tin and each cupcake cup. This will make heart shaped cupcakes. Make hearts out of chocolate chips in each of your pancakes. Mail your pre-addressed and stamped Valentines to Loveland, Colorado and they will postmark them and mail them for you. Send them to: Postmaster, Attn: Valentines, Loveland, CO 80537 Make a treasure hunt for your spouse. Start by mailing or e-mailing him the first clue. Then leave clues all over the house, yard, car or his office telling him where to find the next clue. End the hunt by making a picnic in the back yard or going to a park for a picnic. Use your imagination and have fun. The simple things are the ones people remember. Things to do with or for your honey: Go to a bookstore and enjoy the silence and browse. Get a cup of coffee and make a date of it. Celebrate Valentines Day AFTER Valentines day. Everything is half off. Mail a love letter to your hubby#146;s work. Send your spouse a sexy email message. Leave a "Why I love you" messages all over the house. Buy a package of the cheap Valentines. Leave a message on each one and hide them all over the house for your honey. They will get to enjoy the gift for months! Use lipstick to make hearts and love notes on the rear view mirror, car windows, bathroom mirror or windows of the house. Leave a kiss on his napkin for lunch or dinner. Make a bunch of hearts out of construction paper. Put a love note on each one. Paste them all over the front door or car before your hubby or kids come home from work. If you don#146;t have money to go out, have a picnic on the floor. Use some candles and lay a soft blanket on the floor. Put on some soft music and have a romantic Valentines dinner on the floor. Use some white Christmas lights for additional romantic lighting! Tawra Kellam is the editor of LivingOnADime.com. For more free money saving tips and recipes visit her web site at www.LivingOnADime.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com More >>