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05/13/2010
IconA recent female caller wondered if she should stay with and even marry a guy who spent the full first year of their relationship being violent.I immediately said, "You're a grown woman.' If you want to play Russian Roulette with your life you have the right to do that.' Please, though, have your Fallopian tubes tied so that you can't bring any babies into this situation to either be hurt directly or indirectly by a messed up, violent home-life."She wanted to know if people can change.' Well, the correct answer is....YES!' Of course people can change.' When people are motivated and disciplined and committed to being, thinking, and doing things differently, they can most definitely evolve in a positive direction.' It does take time and simply acknowledging the need for change is not (contrary to popular thought) 50% of the problem.' You all know that's true because every one of you remembers making a New Year's Resolution - which clearly acknowledges a need for change - and even a plan....which just evaporated with time and ennui.Therefore, in the context of this woman's call, a person prone to violence is not one who is going to make a quick change.' The caller wanted to know if there was hope that in the future...no matter how distant...that he could be different.' Well, sure - IF he makes the commitment and is committed long term to whatever it takes to change his way of looking at the world, intimate relationships, and his own identity.An interesting fact is that when people do make such profound changes, they rarely are interested in the people who wanted them when they were less positively functional, as they recognize that it takes a less functional person to be attracted to same.' Said in a bit 'o different way: emotionally healthy people, even though they may protest love and compassion, just don't commit their lives to a recalcitrant, unwilling to change, difficult, or dangerous person.' It is because of their own sad inner dynamics that they find solace in being involved with an unhealthy person...it makes them feel needed or puts the responsibility for their unhappiness somewhere else or is simply a place to hide from the threat of not being capable of a good life.This particular caller thanked me for my advice...I asked her to tell me what my advice was; she said, "I don't want to play roulette with my life."' I gave her kudos for making a healthy and good choice.' I also told her that she'd feel stupid for the time already spent, lonely for the company, scared of being alone, and more...but that this decision was still a healthy and good choice.You see...she is the one in her life she had the power and the necessity to change; focusing on him was just a way to hide from that.I love the beginning of happy endings...and that call was one of those. More >>

Tags: ChildrenDatingHealthParentingPersonal ResponsibilityRelationshipsResponse To A Comment
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05/13/2010
IconThe world's finances are being shaken to their core because of - well - cheating and greed.' Nonetheless, people are being laid off, large companies are going out of business, small businesses can hardly pay for even minor fees to keep themselves afloat, and the price of gas keeps yo-yoing.' The good news is that you can buy a car for under sticker price...as long as you don't need a loan; you can also buy a house for a pittance...as long as you don't need a loan.A number of financial advisors have reported that their biggest problem is not the most obvious one, which is explaining what folks should and shouldn't do with their cash, savings, and investments.' As it turns out, their biggest problem is how husbands and wives are turning on each other with blame and rage or turning away from each other with blame and fear.Feelings of concern, anxiety, sadness, confusion and fear are, frankly, reasonable emotions when tornados, hurricanes, and earthquakes hit your community...it is reasonable to slap your own - and maybe each other's - foreheads, regretful that you both didn't plan better.' But ultimately, it happened to each of you and all of your neighbors and you have to respond in a constructive way despite your personal pain.Feelings of concern, anxiety, sadness, confusion and fear are, frankly, reasonable responses when the financial bottom falls out from under you.' It's not unusual to want to look for the cause of the disaster whether it is a bank CEO, the President, the Treasurer, modest-income people who borrowed to live beyond their means....or....your spouse."Kicking the dog" because you are upset with your day is animal cruelty.' Kicking your husband or wife when you are both in the same lifeboat is also cruel, and it is destructive to the marriage and the family.Perhaps it is true that one or both of you made some financially unwise moves with investments or by spending too much and living beyond your means with credit cards and loans.' I think that in these situations it is always best for the person in charge of the "errors" to simply own up to screwing up, apologize, and then offer to help make things right.' Once your spouse has thrown himself or herself on your mercy, do not ever make them feel stupid or bad in an attempt to regain a sense of superiority or control.'When things go wrong, turn TO each other with compassion, solace, and a pledge to be a team and work it through together, survive it together, brainstorm together, and work together.' No matter how sad you feel, this is the time for lots of attention and great sex.' Endorphins and orgasms go a long way to keeping you both cheerful about life and life with each other.The financial situation in America and the world, as well as the Dow, will come back up.' Make sure your marriage weathers the storm so that you can both be there to enjoy it. More >>

Tags: BudgetFamilyFamily/Relationships - FamilyFinancesMarriageMoneyRelationshipsRelativesSexSexuality
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Tags: FamilyFamily/Relationships - ChildrenFamily/Relationships - FamilyParentingRelationshipsRelatives
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Tags: EducationFamily/Relationships - FamilyMarriageQuote of the WeekRelationshipsRelatives
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Tags: EducationFamily/Relationships - FamilyMarriageQuote of the WeekRelationshipsRelatives
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05/13/2010
IconPerhaps you've seen the TV ad?' It begins with a family scene, where the father has gotten one of that company's cell phones, which permits the selection of certain people as "favorites."' Everyone is making suggestions as to who should be among his "favorites," and the eight-year-old son, in front of Mommy, suggests that Dad put in the number of the woman he stares at during the son's ball games!' There is absolutely no reaction from anyone.The teenage daughter then suggests her boyfriend (who has a mustache), and the Dad says that the "fine print" indicates that no kid with a mustache is permitted, and then he proceeds to call his daughter "dude."Using behaviors destructive to families is not my idea of good sales practices.' T-Mobile is off my radar.' I can't imagine a group of executives sitting around in a brainstorming session thinking this would make for a great sales incentive.' I can't imagine TV executives agreeing to play these ads.' I can't imagine anyone at home watching and thinking "this is cute," and feeling driven to buy T-Mobile's products or services.' I can't imagine ever buying one of their products. More >>

Tags: FamilyFamily/Relationships - FamilyInternet-MediaInternet/MediaRelationshipsRelativesTelevision
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