Child Identity Theft: AGrowing Concern By John Sileo sileo.com Are you as protective of your kids as I am of mine? My wife and two highly-spirited daughters are more than just the centerof my universe - they are the compass by which I set my course in everyaspect of life. If something is not good for the family, then it isn#146;tgood for me. And that means that I want to do everything in my power tokeep them safe. You and I are called on to protect our children from many things,starting in the womb. Even before they are born, we practice goodpreventative care. We take specially designed pre-natal exerciseclasses, coax ourselves to eat right for their benefit, learn CPR andLove and Logic and screen regularly for signs of trouble. Once they areborn, we provide the best nourishment, the finest medical care, ampleplaytime, rest and an infinite flow of unconditional love. You get thepoint#133; we do everything in our power to prevent complications and togive them the best chance to grow up healthy, happy and in harmony withthe world around them. That is our responsibility, our purpose and ourjoy.nbsp;nbsp; But how often do you check their credit report? Their WHAT?! I can feel the surprise in your blank stare. I can hearyour questions: "Check my kid's#133;credit report? But she is only seven! She doesn't even have her frontteeth yet, let alone a credit card! There are so many years to gobefore we need to worry about that. Right?" Unfortunately, no. Because children have untouched and unblemishedcredit records, they are highly attractive targets. Thieves steal achild's identity early on, nurture it until they have a solid creditscore, and then abuse and discard it.nbsp; How Does it Happen? All an identity thief needs to ruin your child's bright financialfuture is her name and Social Security Number.nbsp; "Shouldn't mychild's age show up on any credit background check, shouldn't themerchant recognize that the person in front of them buying a car oncredit isn't seven years old?" you ask. Yes, it should, but the peoplescreening the credit report rarely give it the time and care necessaryto detect fraud.nbsp; All too often, background checks involve simply matching the name andthe Social Security Number provided. This leaves doors wide open forscandalous minds to wreak havoc on your child's perfect credit. Themost unsettling part is that the ageof the applicant (in this case, the person posing as your child)becomes official with the credit bureaus upon the first creditapplication. This makes clearing a sabotaged credit record evenmore difficult because you have to prove to the credit bureau that yourchild is only seven and isn't responsible for thousands of dollars ofdebt. In no time at all, your child could have a maxed out credit card,unpaid bills and a huge mortgage for beachfront property across thecountry. You might not discover the illegal purchases until your childopens a bank account, applies for a job, tries to get a driver'slicense or enters college. At that point, you are left with thetime-consuming dilemma of cleaning up someone else's fraudulent mess.If only clearing up a credit report was as easy as cleaning up afteryour kids. Do the gaping holes in our current credit system and the audacity ofcriminals leave you enraged? Me too. And it is imperative that you useyour anger as fuel to protect and prepare your children's future beforeit is too late. Child Identity theft is the fastest growing sector of the identitytheft "industry," and the numbers are staggering. Although it'sdifficult to estimate exactly how many children lose their identitiessince the crime can go undetected for years, the FTC states that 5% ofidentity theft cases target children, which translates into 500,000kidnapped child identities per year, and growing. The Identity TheftResource Center discovered that in 54% of the cases, the child wasunder the age of six. Who Does This? The identity thief is not always a stranger. In many cases, it's arelative with bad credit who takes advantage of a child's pristinecredit. Conveniently, these family members generally have access to theinformation necessary to maximize the fraud with little attention. This seems absurd, but imagine a parent who is strapped for cash, has abad credit score and needs to buy groceries. In this case, short-termthinking blinds the relative or friend to long-term consequences.nbsp;In other instances, the child's future is not taken into considerationat all. Frankly, it doesn't take much to get the crime underway; all a criminalneeds is the child's name and Social Security Number. These pieces ofpersonal information are exposed in a variety of ways: When registering fordaycare, schools and recreational sports On medical, dental andhospital records When joining organizationslike the Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, etc. When the above informationis permanently stored and accessed by volunteers or employees When one of the aboveorganizations is breached by a hacker or malicious software When an adult befriends yourchild on a social networking site (MySpace, Facebook) and eventuallysocially engineers private information out of them TheThree Basic Types of Child Identity Theft Child Identity theft generally falls into these 3 categories: 1.Financial identity theft occurswhen the name and Social Security Number is used to establish new linesof credit. 2.Criminalidentity theft happens when the criminal uses the child'sidentity to obtain a driver's license or substitutes the child'sidentity if caught in a criminal act. 3.Identitycloning entails using a child's identity (via informationcollection or a black market #145;purchase' of personal information) forfinancial, criminal and governmental purposes. The most common form ofcloned identity theft is committed on behalf of undocumented workerslooking for an identity that will keep them working in this country. For parents, cleaning up the disaster of identity theft for theirchildren is costly and incredibly time consuming. Getting a new SocialSecurity Number is almost impossible, and rarely the best option. Taking steps right now to protectyour child from this horrible crime is one of the greatest investmentsyou will ever make in their financial and emotional future. Protecting Your Children Acting now on behalf of your child will protect them from consequencescommon to child victims: Starting adulthood with acredit rating low enough to scare away the hungriest of loan sharks Being denied a first loan,credit card or apartment rental because of a crime committed 10-15years earlier (the passage of time makes this crime very hard to clearup) Being denied access tocollege or a new job Having a warrant out for herarrest for crimes that she didn't commit In the same way that you can'tprotect your children from every bruise and scrape, you can't entirelyremove the risk of identity theft. You can, however, prevent or softenthe fall if it does happen.nbsp; Take these steps first: Stop giving out your child's personalinformation. Until you are confident that it is absolutelynecessary to receive the services desired, withhold their personalinformation. More than 80% of organizations that ask for your child'sSocial Security Number don't actually need it to establish services. Ifyou must give it, ask them how they will use it, how long they willkeep it and how it will be protected while they have it. Vigilance ishighly effective. Never carry your child's SSN with you. Order a free credit report for your childat least once a year. All three major credit reporting bureaus(Equifax, Experian and TransUnion) offer one free credit report peryear per individual. Order one for your child at the same time youorder yours and review them both for any red flags indicatingfraudulent activity. I recommend that you order the first one (Equifax)right now; order a second report (Experian) in 4 more months; order thethird report (TransUnion) four months after that and then repeat theprocess the following year. For a more convenient option, use anidentity monitoring services for you and your family. If you find evidence of fraudulentactivity, contact the police, the source of the fraud and all threecredit bureaus. Filing a police report helps to establish yourchild's innocence in an official way. Have the credit bureaus FREEZEyour child's credit for maximum protection. Keep detailed records ofall correspondence between yourself, the police, the merchant and thecredit bureaus. It will come in handy should you ever find yourself incourt, as I did. Educate your children on the importance ofprotecting their personal information. Teach them about thevalue of their personal information: their name, address, phonenumbers, email address, Social Security Number and any passwords andPIN numbers. Reinforce that they own their private information and thatit should not be shared with friends, over the internet or with anyonewhom they don't know or trust. Education is absolutely the bestfinancial gift you will ever give to them. Because you love and protect yourchildren as much as I do, you should start this process immediately. Inthe case of child identity theft, an ounce of prevention is worth alifetime of financial security. Don't let the center of your universebecome just another statistic. About the author: After losinghis business to data breach and his reputation to identity theft, JohnSileo became America#146;s leading identity theft and data breach speaker.His recent clients include the Department of Defense, the FDIC, BlueCross Blue Shield and Pfizer. To learn more about John, visit sileo.com . Permission granted for use onDrLaura.com. More >>

Teaching Your ChildrenValues Through Volunteerism Erik A. Fisher, Ph.D., aka Dr. E#133; www.ErikFisher.com In today's society, so many of us feel that children are growing upwith unhealthy values and unproductive attitudes. Children and teensare sometimes viewed as self-centered, seldom thinking about others intheir family or community. While there are many factors that contributeto their behaviors and beliefs, there may be ways to guide and affecttheir belief systems and develop a closer relationship in the process. Often children develop a self-centered view toward the world eitherthrough observation and/or lack of exposure to helping to others. Asparents and caretakers of children, have we ever really looked atourselves of being a source of unproductive, self-centered modeling. Inthe formative years of our children's lives, we are the most importantmodel to them, and whether we realize it or not they see and hearalmost everything we do. Work, Work, Work As we feel we have to scramble to make ends meet we may feel that timeto do anything else is compromised that much more. Between the responsibilities at work and home, many parents feel thattime for themselves is almost non-existent. We may not want to look soclosely at ourselves, but have we asked ourselves how our children seeus spending our time when we are at home? They may see us at homeresting, watching television, cleaning, cooking, helping them withhomework, shopping, playing sports#133;We may believe that we sacrifice andvolunteer much of our time for our children by driving them to games,friends houses, movies; working our fingers to the bone to make surethat they have food, clothes, and a roof over their head#133; But we stillneed to recognize that all of these efforts also serve our own purposeat some level, and frankly our children often expect this of us. Ourchildren do not realize that we are volunteering our time to them manytimes. When was the last time that we volunteered our time to people in need?Even more, when was the last time we, as a family, volunteered our timeto people in need? For many of us the answer to the first question maybe "a long time", and the answer to the second question may be "never".On the other hand, sometimes we feel that we ARE the people in need,and in some ways we may be; however, if all that we expect is to begiven to when we are in need, what are our children learning. They saythat if you give a man a fish he will eat for a day, but if you teachhim how to fish, he will eat for a lifetime. Giving back to others isteaching the man to fish. It creates a cycle of giving and receiving,and frankly, what got us into the mess we are in now was more takingthan giving and excessive entitlement that seemed to be taught from thetop down. United We Stand The family unit has the ability to be a very strong cohesive team, butthe members of the family have to learn to work as a team first.Volunteering, as a family, can teach many positive lessons. When wecontribute our time and effort, it helps us to feel better aboutourselves, teaches a stronger work ethic, contributes to learning aboutthe world around us, results in us meeting different people and formingdifferent relationships, and provides confidence-building experiencesin a variety of different job tasks. If, as a parent, you feel that you work hard enough at what you do,then you have to be very careful of the message you are sending yourchild. If you spent only three hours on a Saturday morning once a monthwith your kids cleaning up a shelter or planting flowers, or commitpart of your day around Thanksgiving or Christmas to feed people at ashelter or church, it still sends a positive message that your childrenwill value the rest of their lives. Sometimes we allow ourselves to find different barriers, obstacles, orexcuses that prevent us from feeling the richness of giving our timefreely to others. It doesn't matter how much or how little money yourfamily makes, the time of day that you can volunteer, where you live,if you can walk or talk#133; there are always ways to find time tovolunteer. If you find yourself finding reasons to not volunteer yourtime, then pay attention to the messages your children might bereceiving. Parents are often looking for ways to spend quality time with theirchildren. Giving our time freely to others, as a family can be one ofthe richest forms of quality time. Even more, volunteering is free. Ifyou are looking for ways to volunteer your time, contact some of thesesources: Animal Shelters, Churches, Homeless and Battered Women'sShelters,nbsp; After School programs, Meals on Wheels, Nursing Homes,Hospitals#133; In terms of thinking of what to do to volunteer, talk toyour children and ask them what they would like to do. They may havegreat ideas on unique ways to volunteer time. When you listen to yourchildren and include them on decisions, they feel more valued. Alwaysremember that our children are a gift to us and the time we spend withthem is priceless. About the author: Erik Fisher, PhD, aka Dr. E#133;, is a licensedpsychologist andnbsp;author of two books whose work has been featuredon CNN, NBC, CBS, FOX and CNN. Visit him at www.ErikFisher.com . Permission granted for use onDrLaura.com. More >>

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Giving Up the Fantasy of the Perfect Mate What REAL Marriages Are All About By Sharon M. Rivkin, MA, MFT We all seem to think that we need to find our perfect mate or soul mate. But does a perfect mate even exist and, if so, does this mean that the only way to be happy is to find this perfect soul mate? What if you don't? What if you spend your entire life looking, only to end up alone in your fantasy delusion because you didn't find him/her? Are we really searching for fantasy in our relationships? To some degree, I think most of us have bought into the fairytale myth that we will find Prince or Princess Charming and AUTOMATICALLY live happily ever after. This belief in fantasy, soul mates, and the perfect partner , are all contributors to being unhappy and dissatisfied in our marriages. We want the fantasy mate and most relationships begin with perfect bliss with the perfect partner. But when this fantasy starts to fade into reality after the first 6 months of a relationship, we're disappointed, try desperately to keep the fantasy alive by sweeping disagreements under the rug, or start looking elsewhere for that perfect mate. But the perfect mate really doesn't exist...except in our fantasies. Our fantasies are always more compelling than our reality that can become boring, repetitive, filled with logistics, bills, jobs and dirty dishes. Fantasy is filled with feelings of being on top of the world, of things coming to us easily, of soaring, and feeling our hearts are full of love 24/7. Who wouldn't choose fantasy over reality and hold onto it as long as we can? So, how do we get over this desire for fantasy, the desire to feel that in love feeling ALL the time? How do we make a REAL marriage work and simultaneously keep the love alive when reality of the everyday chores, struggles, and inconsistencies of our partner sets in? Here are 7 truths to remember about REAL marriages when the fantasy turns into reality: Real marriages are based on a solid foundation of mutual love, respect, and an understanding of differences in your partner. It is based on two people being balanced in their individual strength and their ability to share and connect with their partner. Real marriages are able to handle the hard aspects of life through open communication and realistic expectations. Real marriages are based on two WHOLE people enhancing each other, rather than two people EXPECTING their partner to complete them: filling in their weak spots, rescuing them, or taking care of them at their own expense. Real marriages are two people who know they are human and, therefore, know that everyone makes mistakes and likewise exhibits tolerance for this humanness. Real marriages are based on the deep knowledge that it's a give and take from both partners. They know themselves and take responsibility for their actions, rather than projecting onto their partner who they feel their partner should be. Real marriages are about companionship, appreciating your partner's differences and uniqueness, and knowing that love is deeper than only sexual desire and feeling madly in love all the time. Real marriages are about knowing and loving yourself so that you don't need a fantasy partner or a perfect mate to complete your life. You instead need a partner who enhances your life and adds to it. Lasting, REAL marriages are based on a solid foundation of honesty, respect, and love... love, not in the fantasy sense that the Prince or Princess saves me, but love based on a deep knowledge of yourself and your partner. "In love the paradox occurs that two become one and yet remain two." When we follow the above 7 truths about a REAL marriage, we can enjoy the reality of our deepening union more than any fantasy we could imagine! Sharon M. Rivkin, author of The First Argument: Cutting to the Root of Intimate Conflict , is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and conflict resolution and affairs expert. Sharon is also the developer of the "First Argument Technique," a groundbreaking, three-step method that heals and saves relationships. She has been in private practice for 28 years in Santa Rosa, California, and her work has been featured in several national magazines and websites including O: The Oprah Magazine, Reader's Digest, Yahoo.com, and Dr.Laura.com . Sharon is an experienced public speaker, has appeared on television, and makes regular radio appearances across the U.S. For more information, visit www.sharonrivkin.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Don't Say "Don't" By Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE When I was eight years old, my parents took a parenting class and went on to teach parenting classes for over twenty years. I was old enough to remember what my parents were like before and after that class. One might think I had a perfect family, but my older brother experienced a traumatic childhood event that left him with severe emotional, mental, and behavioral difficulties. My parents' use of the parenting skills, in addition to the professional assistance they received, resulted in a truly miraculous recovery. I was so impressed with my parents' skills that I took my first parenting class from my mother at age seventeen, long before I had any children. I have been teaching parenting classes ever since in my profession as a licensed social worker. For more than fifteen years I have taught hundreds of parents, from all walks of life, who have told countless stories about how these skills have changed their lives. I have also done extensive research to pool together the best techniques available to parents (and weed out the abundance of bad advice) so parents can learn to be the most effective parents possible with less confusion and more confidence. Each month, I will share some of these tools as well as solutions to common problems. In all the years I have taught parenting classes, one skill has stood out as a four-star skill for gaining cooperation from children and preventing problems like power struggles and tantrums. I call it "Don't say Don't". Have you ever told your child "Don't go in the street!" and they walk out in the street? or "Don't fall!" and two seconds later they skin their knees? Why is it that children seem to do what we tell them not to do? If you look at it from their perspective, it becomes clear: When I say "Don't spill the milk", what image do you picture in your mind? Most people picture the milk spilling. Children are no different! An adult can take that image, figure out how the milk might spill, the options available to prevent this and choose the best alternative -- all in a split second! The younger a child is, the more difficult it is for a child to turn a "don't" around. Children will usually enact the picture created in their minds. So, instead of telling your child what not to do, tell them what to do. Create the picture in their minds. Say, "Keep the milk in the glass!"; "Stay on the sidewalk (or grass)."; "Watch where your feet are!" While this sounds simple, it can be far from easy to change our habit of saying "Don't". We are so used to noticing what children do wrong, we have a hard time picturing what we want them to do right. Put your creativity and imagination to work and practice this skill often. Remember . . . "Don't say Don't!" Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE is a second-generation parent educator and president of Parent's Toolshopreg; Consulting. She is the author of 100+ resources for parents and family service professionals, including her award-winning book, The Parent's Toolshop , at www.ParentsToolshop.com . Since 1980, Jody has trained parents and professionals through her dynamic presentations and served as internationally recognized parenting expert to the media worldwide. Get practical parenting resources, including more information about this topic at: www.parentstoolshop.com/tele/telearchive.htm Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

All Have Won, and All Will Have Prizes?: The Challenges of Youth Sports Erik Fisher, Ph.D., aka Dr. E... www.ErikFisher.com See Jimmy pitch the ball. See Dick hit the ball. See Dick run to first base. See Dick get called out. See Dick's parents yell at the umpire. See other parents join in. See Dick walk back to the bench and hide his head in his hands. See Dick's dad yell to Dick telling him to "Be a Man, and suck it up." For those of you who have been to see youth sports, you may know that these occurrences are not uncommon. According to a survey of parents, 84% of them have seen violence in sports, and 45% kids report that they have experienced comments and abuse of some sort. Parents want to see their children succeed and sometimes don't know the limits to their enthusiasm. As parents, we have to keep in mind that every child on the playing field in any sport has dreams, hopes and emotions. Also children's greatest teachers are not only their parents, but other adults around them. The question that we want ask ourselves is, "What do we want our children to learn from sports?" Skills acquisition? Confidence? Cooperation? Social Skills? How to win and lose with class and dignity? Integrity? Honor? Or do we want them to learn, poor sportsmanship, aggression, complaining, cheating??? The Game of Life I think that we all can agree that in life, we are going to have many more experiences of loss in life than we will have "wins". Being human and having the opportunity to experience emotion presents us with many opportunities. We have choices with every interaction. In my humble opinion the greatest learning in life comes from the losses. As I teach many people, the purpose of failure is that it tells you when it is time to learn. When you find yourself feeling emotions that are unpleasant to you, ask yourself what the emotions may be trying to tell you... ask your children the same thing. Let sport be more than an opportunity to play. Let it be an opportunity to learn about life. So, just what is your underlying goal in helping your child? Many parents want to keep their child from experiencing pain, and for so many of us, we see failure and loss as painful. So, if our kids win, they don't feel pain... right? Not so fast, my friend. What if they won but did not play. Another question is who else's pain do we want to avoid??? Our own. Our kids often become extensions of ourselves, so when they fail, we fail... when they lose we lose. In our own aversion to pain, we can take those feelings out on any number of people (other players, refs, coaches, and our own kids) without seeing its impact. The impact on our children is often that they believe if they win, people will love them more. After all, look at the way we idolize professional athletes. So they learn to win at all costs, and that is one of the most destructive messages that has permeated our society. Anger Everywhere Why is there so much aggression and arrogance in sports today? 44% of kids surveyed stated that they dropped out of youth sports because they were unhappy. 56% of kids feel that youth sports are too competitive. So why do we define winning from the score at the end of the game. This does not sound like our kids are winning. When I was coaching 6-8 year olds in soccer, one of my players came up to me and asked me what the score was. I asked him if he had fun playing, and he said, "Yes." I said, "The score doesn't matter. We all won. Just have fun." Learning is winning, and learning comes from the experience gained in losses. In sports, we want our children to learn confidence, respect, pride and integrity among other things. It is not a sign of confidence or integrity to mock other children and do the victory dances in the end zones while pointing at the other team. You have to ask yourself, that if your children are doing this, is this an extension of what you want them to learn? I haven't seen any physicians mocking each other after completing a difficult surgery or see businessmen spiking their briefcases after big deals (well not exactly). Life Lessons As a parent, keep in mind what you want your children to learn. I have presented some pretty challenging viewpoints here. I hope you will consider them. As a parent, you have a tough road -- to monitor your own emotions while guiding your children, to lead by example, and to prepare them for the rest of their lives. What I ask people to ask themselves at the end of every day is, "Did I live my life with truth, honor and integrity to myself and others?" Ask yourself this at the end of your child's sporting events, and hopefully you will continue to make better choices as the season progresses. I will end this with a top ten list that I wrote for the Chicago Tribune a few years ago. I wish you and your family all the success in learning to grow together. Remember to have fun. Top Ten Ways to Know When You Are Too Wrapped Up in Your Child's Sport 10. You want to be an official of your child's sport because you think you can make better calls than the other referees. 9. You have your child practicing every night at home until after dark. 8. You start talking about your games when you were a kid during your child's games. 7. You start calling players on other teams names and make calls or noises when they're trying to focus. 6. You start calling players on your child's team names or make calls or comments, hoping they'll mess up and your child will get more playing time. 5. You coach your child's team and let your kid play more than others because you think he or she is better than anyone else on the team. 4. You make your child cry before, during or after a game by your actions or comments toward him or her. 3. Your child wants to quit playing and you want to keep coaching, telling him he's a quitter or a loser. 2. You encourage your child to play with an injury or illness, telling her she's a loser or weak if she doesn't. 1. You threaten your child, a player, another parent, coach or official with physical harm for any reason. About the author: Erik Fisher, PhD, aka Dr. E..., is a licensed psychologist and author of two books whose work has been featured on CNN, NBC, CBS, FOX and CNN. Visit him at www.ErikFisher.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

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The Do's and Don'ts of Teaching Kids Self-Control By Dyan Eybergen RN Self-control is a skill that enables a person to discern what is right from wrong. It is the ability to keep emotions from becoming overwhelming, to stay focused, delay impulses and actively problem solve instead of reacting to a situation. Children begin to exhibit forms of being able to regulate their emotions as early as 12 months, but the process of developing self-control takes years. At 18 months, children start to separate their identity out from their caregivers-they begin to recognize themselves as independent beings. By age two, children can imperceptibly think about consequences to their own behaviour "I wonder if mommy will be upset if I play with her make-up?" but won't necessarily stop misbehaving because of these perceptions. By age four, children begin to understand cause and affect relationships. They become aware of how other people see them and how their actions or behaviour affect others. As they become older, children become better at self-regulation as they learn to moralize and follow rules. They start to foresee and understand the repercussions for breaking the rules and make decisions based on whether or not it is the right thing for them to do. Parents can help their children develop self-control through the ways they interact with them. It begins when their children are infants through responsive parenting and physical contact and continues throughout their children's development by teaching them why their behaviour is unacceptable and offering them more appropriate behaviours to replace undesirable ones. Here are some do's and don'ts of teaching self-control DON'T: tell your children they have done something wrong and arbitrarily punish them (lose a privilege like watching TV because of hitting a sibling). In this instance children only come to rely on other's telling them what to do instead of learning about alternative acceptable behaviours that they can choose for themselves the next time ("I will ask mom for help with getting my toy back instead of hitting my sister"). DO: be flexible. Effective parents are constantly changing and adapting to who their child is. They tailor their parenting to meet the child's needs. For example: if a 13 year old is not very responsible, a responsive parent would not let that child babysit younger siblings, regardless of his age. They would help their child to learn more responsible behaviours so he can be left alone to babysit, when he is ready. DON'T: tell your child you're not interested in her excuses or explanations for why she has done something wrong. This gives children the message that their feelings are not important. You don't have to agree with how your child is feeling but you do need to respect that her feelings are real. DO: give your children a "feelings vocabulary". Start as early as possible labelling their feelings for them "I can see how upset you are". "I bet that made you feel very angry?" "I can appreciate how frustrated you must be". This way, as children expand their capacity for language they will have words to express themselves instead of acting out. They will also be able to tell how someone else is feeling as a result of their behaviour "I can tell by the look on my Aunt's face, she's angry that I ate the whole bag of chips". Perceiving how others are feeling about how they behaved will go a long way in helping children to problem solve. DON'T: constantly tell your children what to do. But don't let them do whatever they want either. Children cannot learn about rules if their environment is so restrictive that they are not allowed to make mistakes they can learn from. Nor can they learn about rules if they have never been taught to follow them. DO: Set limits, but allow your children input (as they get older) into what those limits might be and the consequences for not adhering to them. Children need lots of practice in making decisions about their behaviour and opportunities to see the impact of those decisions from both their successes and their failures. Dyan Eybergen, a child and adolescent psychiatric nurse, has more than ten years experience working as a therapist and parent educator. Eybergen currently resides in St. Albert, Alberta, with her husband and three sons. Out of the Mouths of Babes is her first book. For more information visit www.childperspectiveparenting.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

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Setting Limits By Armin Brott www.mrdad.com DearMr. Dad: My wife and I have been talking a lot about the importance ofsetting limits for our two children, ages 5 and 7. We know we must dothis but we aren't sure how to go about it, especially since the kidscontinually challenge us on every new rule. But it's so exhausting. Anysuggestions? A: You're absolutely right tobe talking about setting limits. Boundaries are essential for raisingwell-behaved kids, especially in this age of "anything goes." I wishyou had started your discussions a few years ago (and you probably dotoo), but it's never too late. Why is it so important for parents to set boundaries#150;and for thechildren to respect them? Well, start by thinking of your family in alarger context. Every civilized society has rules and regulations. Somemay be reasonable and others less so, but just imagine what the worldwould be like if everyone made and followed their own rules, whileignoring and breaking everyone else's. (To a child, that might soundlike paradise, but as adults, we can hopefully see the larger picture.) Unfortunately, children aren't born with a pre-loaded set of rules. Soif we don't teach them the difference between good and bad behavior,healthy and dangerous habits, kind and hurtful actions, how will theyever know what's positive and acceptable and what isn't? Okay, now that we've got the philosophy of limit-setting down, let'stalk about how to start establishing rules and how to make sure they'rethe right ones for your family. Here are some guidelines I think you'llfind helpful: Boundaries should bereasonable and clear to a child. It's sometimes a delicate balancingact, but you've got to find the middle ground between being too lenientand too strict. Limits should beage-appropriate. What works now for your 5 and 7-year-old, won't workfor a teen. And in fact, what works for your 5 year old probably won'twork for the 7 year old. Be flexible. As yourchildren get older, you'll need to modify your house rules accordingly. Make sure the kidsunderstand why each rule is necessary. You may say, for example, thatthey're not allowed to go to a friend's house alone because they're tooyoung to cross the street by themselves. Explaining the reason behindeach boundary will show them that you don't make the rules arbitrarilyjust to curtail their freedom, but, rather, to protect them in apotentially unsafe environment. That said, make sure your childrenunderstand that while you're happy to discuss certain rules, there aresome--health and safety issues, for example--that are non-negotiable. Establish clear consequencesfor breaking rules. Kids have to be held accountable for their actionsso they grow into responsible and trustworthy adults. When--notif--they test the boundaries or break the rules, be prepared to enforcethe consequences right away. If you don't, the kids will learn thatbreaking rules is okay or that there's always one more "last warning."That's not a lesson that will serve them well in adulthood, when theconsequences for bending or breaking the rules will be harsher. All in all, setting boundariesisn't going to be easy--we want our children to love us and don't wantthem to be mad at us, which is exactly what will happen when theyinevitably bang up against the rules. But it's our job to stand firm.The result will be more respectful, better-mannered kids who will growinto responsible, likeable adults. Armin Brott is America's most trustedDad#153;. He's the author of seven bestselling books on fatherhood.He has written for dozens of major publications such as Newsweek, The New York Times Magazine, Men's Health, and Parenting Magazine, and appeared onhundreds of radio and television shows including Today, Fox News, CBSOvernight, and Politically Incorrect. Armin has taken his experience asthe father of three beautiful children, interviews with thousands offathers just like you, and with the very latest research, and writtenbooks specifically for Dads.nbsp; www.mrdad.com nbsp;Permissiongranted for useon DrLaura.com. More >>