Are Your Children Being Deprived? By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller www.personalpowerpress.com Some parents give their children designer clothes, foreign trips and a personal TV. Others give them attention and experiences and hold them accountable for their actions. What do your children get? Are you unknowingly depriving your children of important lessons and learnings? Find out here by taking the Deprived Child Test. See how you score. Which of the following items do you give your children? Rate yourself for each on a scale of 0-3. 0= never 1= rarely 2= once in a while 3= regularly Do you give your children . . . Regular trips to the library. Buying your children 100 books does not count. Do you take your children to the library and allow them to select books of their own interest and let them be responsible for returning them on time? Creating a spot in your home for library books that are to be returned helps young children take some responsibility for their care. Instruction about and responsibilities for lawn care. Does your teen know how to run a lawn mower? Does your ten-year-old know how to fill it with gas? Does your eight-year-old know how to clean it off when you are finished using it? If you hire a lawn service, you are depriving your older children of opportunities to participate and your toddlers of seeing you perform the important tasks. Responsibilities with laundry. Do the younger children put their dirty clothes in the hamper? Do those who are older help you sort the laundry by colors?nbsp; Does your preadolescent help you fold it? Does your teen do his or her own laundry? Does everyone take their clean laundry and put it away? If adults take total responsibility for laundry in your home, subtract one point. Your children are deprived. Opportunities to see plants grow. Do you have a flower garden? Do you grow corn or carrots? Does your child have a tomato plant that is his to care for and nurture? Has she seen a seed turn into a flowering plant and had an opportunity to discuss the miracle it represents? Bringing home flowers from the florist does not count. Respectful disagreement. Have your children seen you and your spouse disagree respectfully? Have you provided them with a model of fair fighting, honoring different perspectives, and listening to the other in the face of disagreement? If you yell or pout you are depriving your children of witnessing incidents of mature disagreement and of living with mature individuals who serve as role models for how to disagreed with respect and civility. Sex stereotypes. Do you create opportunities for your children to see men and women working as equals? Does your son witness women being as capable as men and is his mental attitude one of equality between the sexes as a result of having witnessed his parentsrsquo; role-modeling equality? Do you allow your daughter to participate in lawn care duties or only in chores that concern the inside of the house? Does your son help with cleaning the house and doing dishes? Do your children see both parents share the duties of parenting equally? Experiences with nature. Do your children play outside as much as inside?nbsp; Does your family walk through the woods and take trips to a nature center? Have you been to the beach or fishing in a stream? Can your children identify the names of trees, birds, and other wildlife? If your child spends more than one hour per day watching television or playing computer/video games, subtract one point for each hour over that time limit.. Accountability. Are your children held accountable for their actions in a way that helps them understand the relationship between cause and effect? Do you establish outcomes for your childrenrsquo;s choices that are reasonable, related and respectful? Do you follow through with consequences or deprive your children of a culture of accountability by caving in and regularly giving them one more last chance? Construction. Have you built a snow fort, a sand castle, a tower of blocks, a house of cards, a pillow fort in the living room, a double-decker cake, a model airplane, or a puzzle with your children in the past few weeks? Have you made a piece of clothing or a pizza from scratch? Remember, when you build together you are not only creating the physical structure or object, you are also building a connection and a stronger parent/child relationship. Laughter. When was the last time you went rolling down a hill with your children and ended up laughing hysterically? Do you share jokes and funny experiences with them? Do you have a tickle party where you tickle and let yourself be tickled? Do your children know what makes you laugh? Do you laugh together? Subtract two points if family laughter occurs when others make a mistake or appear foolish. Mess making. Have you ever put shaving cream on the kitchen table or mixed ripped toilet paper with wet soap shavings to make ldquo;cleanrdquo; mud? Have you tipped over the couch to make a tunnel fort or pitched a tent in the living room for indoor camping? Have you played in spilled milk, splashed in mud puddles or slid in the grass in the rain? Have you participated in a water balloon fight lately or sprayed each other while you washed the car? Do you let happy messes happen or are you keeping a lid on every moment of each experience so that nothing gets dirty or out of place? Time. Do you have regular conversations with your children? Do you have scheduled family meals that everyone attends? Do you shoot baskets, play checkers, ride bikes, and build paper airplanes? Do you have a family hobby like baseball card collecting, scouting, putting puzzles together, camping, or horseback riding? Add up your score and determine where you fit on the scale below. Be honest with yourself. You donrsquo;t have to show your results to anyone or get down on yourself if you donrsquo;t compile a high score. Treat this as a learning experience that will help you make sure your children are not deprived. The Deprived Child Test Scoring Scale 36-30hellip;hellip;hellip;..Congratulations. You are regularly providing your children with a healthy variety of opportunities to learn. 29-24hellip;hellip;hellip;..You and your children are missing valuable lessons in a few areas. With a few adjustments you can quickly design new and enriching experiences that will help your children grow and expand in important areas. 23-18hellip;hellip;hellip;..It is clearly time for you to get conscious about your role as a parent and make some major changes. Your children will continue to be deprived unless you purposefully create more learning opportunities for them. The time to begin is now. 17-0hellip;hellip;hellip;....Your children are badly deprived. It is time for you to totally revamp what you do as a parent by making serious changes in your everyday activities. Get moving, doing, being with, and experiencing with your children. Use the information you glean from taking and scoring this test to strengthen the type of experiences you provide for your children. Congratulate yourself for areas where you scored high. Use your low scores as valuable information to help you and your family move forward toward creating and sharing quality experiences for all. Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of Teaching the Attraction Principletrade; to Children. They are two of the world's foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. They publish a free monthly e-zine for parents. To sign up for it or to obtain more information on how to bring their expertise to your family or group, visit their website today: www.personalpowerpress.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Expecting and Expectations: Are You and Your Spouse on the Same Page? By Joanne Baum www.respectfulparenting.com When you#146;re pregnant you soon become full of expectations. You dream about what your baby will be like, you dream about how you and hour husband will parent. You dream about how you will handle any problems that come up. You dream about being a family and how family life will be. You dream about how you#146;ll juggle real life and motherhood and fatherhood. You know what you want, you know how you#146;ll handle it, you know what #147;it#146;ll#148; be like. You#146;re getting ready based on your dreams and fantasies. But is your husband on the same page or are you assuming he is? Ten Steps to Help Expectations Come True: Talk with your spouse and ask him if he#146;d be willing to share his specific dreams and expectations with you and if he#146;d be willing to listen to yours. Ask your husband to tell you his dreams before you tell him all of yours so he#146;s not trying to please you and he feels free to offer his dreams and expectations. Don#146;t be upset if he doesn#146;t have as many as yours. Share your dreams with the idea that you both want to see where your dreams and expectations overlap and where you have a mismatch. Talk to each other about your fears and concerns #150; share them without feeling like the other person is supposed to fix them. See if you two can #147;team#148; together and come up with creative strategies to meet both your needs. Where there are differences, work through them. Don#146;t assume they#146;ll go away on their own. Differences usually get bigger with sleep deprivation and reality. To work through them talk about each of your wants and needs. See if you can strategize together how to get needs met, but make sure they are truly needs and not intense wants. Call upon a parenting coach or therapist to help you two resolve your differences if you can#146;t do that together. If you can do this before your baby arrives you#146;ll have less stress in those beginning wonderful, exciting, sleep deprived and confusing weeks. If your baby is here and you#146;re having difficulties that are upsetting you, try getting some help before they build over time. Respect each other#146;s ways of doing things #150; there is more than one way to be a healthy and happy family. Continue to make couple time even if it#146;s for fifteen minutes a day where you get to be adults together. Leave room for flexibility, creativity, and spontaneity. Dreams and expectations are based in your head; they#146;re your fantasies. When your baby arrives, you#146;ll need to get to know your baby. You#146;ll want to see what your unique baby brings to your dreams. Follow your baby#146;s lead and allow your dreams and expectations to be fantasy and not a reality you impose on your baby. Enjoy who your baby is and realize you figured out the best you could before you were handed the gift of reality. Now it#146;s time to re-figure and live with your baby rather than your dreams and expectations. Those were a springboard to prepare you for becoming a parent and not a recipe for family life. Joanne Baum, PhD., LCSW, has been a therapist, parenting coach, educator, and writer for over thirty years. Her latest book, Got the Baby Where#146;s the Manual?!? won the 2007 IPPY Gold Medal in Parenting. You can find more information and order her book on her website www.respectfulparenting.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

The Biggest Mistake That Parents Make By Archer Crosley www.baldmommy.com The biggest mistake that a parent can make is to try to be their child#146;s friend. How can I say this nicely without offense; you are not your child#146;s friend, nor their drinking buddy; you are their parent. Unfortunately, many parents want that love that their child brings; and they will do anything to ensure that their child continues to love them, even foregoing discipline. Now maybe someday, when your children are in their twenties, you can develop a unique friendship with them; but that won#146;t happen if you fail in your parenting responsibilities when they are young. Indeed, without respect, there can be no love. And if you fail to discipline your children, they will come to disrespect you. It is imperative that your children understand who is the boss in the relationship. You and your child are not co-equals, and your family is not a democracy. Think of your family as a benevolent dictatorship, and you will have at least eliminated one myth, the myth of the democratic family as a successful model, standing in your path to having a successful family. This is a tough concept for many parents to grasp, especially those parents who came from families where discipline was perhaps too strict. Many of these parents rationalize #147;Well, I don#146;t want to be a strict as my parents were.#148; It#146;s a nice concept in theory; but I can assure you that a family without discipline is like a house without walls. The walls of the house are nothing more than rules that guide people down pathways; pathways that make the house run more effectively. Now imagine if you had a house with no walls where everybody could see everybody and anyone could walk anywhere unimpeded. Can you imagine someone cooking two feet from where you are trying to sleep? Can you imagine another person skipping merrily through the bathroom on their way to the garage as you are washing up? Of course not! These scenarios are unworkable. One of my close friends who did discipline his children effectively put it this way, #147;My kids can do what they want after they are adults and living away from the house; but when they are here, they follow my rules.#148; This friend couldn#146;t have cared less if his kids liked him or not with regard to the rules that he made and enforced. But when he spoke to me about rule-setting, it wasn#146;t just what he said, it was the way he said it. He asserted himself in a casual but firm tone as if he had been applying his rules for a lengthy period of time. The rules that he set forth were second nature to him and his family. Now, if you go home and try to adopt what I am saying in a very hysterical and aggressive manner, you will fail. If you make a speech to your kids that there is a new sheriff in town who isn#146;t going to put up with this type of behavior anymore, they may laugh at you behind your back and continue their same patterns of behavior. If you are having problems at home right now, what I recommend is that you begin slowly. Enforce simple rules, such as clean up your room before dinner, or, everyone must eat dinner together, and follow through with them - quietly. Don#146;t make a big show about it; you don#146;t need to; you are holding all the Aces. Gradually enforce more rules as time goes by. Don#146;t worry when your children start crying, #147;You don#146;t love me anymore.#148; This is a ruse that children use to manipulate their parents. Remember your kids are pretty smart; they have the same intelligence that you do; and pretty soon, they will learn that the rules are the rules; and that their parents are the ones who set the rules. The true love that you desire will gradually follow from this framework of respected Archer Crosley, MD has been practicing pediatrics for over 25 years and is the author of What Successful Families Do, The Bald Truth about Parenting. Dr. Crosley lives in McAllen, Texas. Dr. Crosley graduated from the University of Kansas Medical School in 1982. He finished his residency in pediatrics at the University of Texas Health Science Center in San Antonio in 1985. For more information visit www.baldmommy.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

The Family Dinner By Archer Crosley If I had to stress one thing that you could do for your family to enhance its quality and productivity, it would be the family dinner or meal. I believe there should be one meal per day where the family gets together and shares a common experience. The family dinner is not just a time to exchange pleasantries; the family dinner is when the family sits down and reviews family affairs. How are the kids doing in school? Is Johnny cleaning is room? Where would they all like to go on summer vacation? Communication is the key to having a successful family, and the family meal is where an important part of family communication takes place. One large difference that I have noticed over the years, between a family that is working well and one that is not is the level of communication. Having a family dinner can be tough when both parents are working and the kids have varying schedules. Still, there should be at least fifteen to twenty minutes per day when you can all sit down together. The length of the meeting is not important; what is important is that everyone, including kids, show up, and for these reasons: The family dinner sends a statement to the child that there are family obligations, and by extension societal obligations, that are mandatory. When we tell our children that they must eat dinner with the rest of us, we are sending a subtle message that they don't live in a free-for-all universe where anyone can do anything they want any time they want. The family dinner sends your child a message that they count as a member of the family, that what they have to say is important. Now, if all you are going to say at the family dinner is "shut up," then you are missing the entire point of having the family dinner. The entire point of the family dinner is to make your family better and more cohesive; it's a working meeting; it's not a "show meeting" to give you the parent the illusion that you are living the life of the perfect family (which does not exist anyway). These meetings provide the opportunity for you the parent to impress your values. Basic civil values such as giving thanks, using words like please and thank you, and asking to be excused from the table are important to the development of your child. These values teach your child how to more effectively communicate with others now and in the future. Too many families make the mistake of breaking up the family dinner as the kids get into the teen-age years. I think that is a mistake; your teen-agers are far from being adults; and there is still a lot that they can learn from you. Don't forfeit your involvement to a television set in their room (where they go to eat by themselves) or another youth who just wants your kids to bum around and engage in activities that they are not yet ready to handle. Teen-agers are not adults yet; and they require more involvement more so than ever. There are plenty of ways for teen-agers to express their independence; the family meal should not be one of them. If they don't like it, too bad. You're the one with the experience, and you're the one paying the bills and the clean-up expense for their mistakes. Make your children attend the family dinner, and make sure that their privileges are contingent upon that. Your kids will thank you in the long run. Archer Crosley, MD has been practicing pediatrics for over 25 years and is the author of What Successful Families Do, The Bald Truth about Parenting . Dr. Crosley lives in McAllen, Texas. Dr. Crosley graduated from the University of Kansas Medical School in 1982. He finished his residency in pediatrics at the University of Texas Health Science Center in San Antonio in 1985. For more information visit www.baldmommy.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Helping My Child When I Was Diagnosed with Cancer By Cathy Nilon www.chemocat.com As a 43 yr old mother with a young son, when I was first diagnosed with Stage 2-b invasive breast cancer, I frantically searched for a book to help him understand my illness and what I would be going through in order to get well. There was nothing suitable that would hold his attention. I wanted to be honest with him discussing my surgery and treatment in broad strokes and answering his questions as they arose. Below are some tips that got us through this painful journey.This is our story, each family and situation is different; this is simply what worked for us. Digest the news of your diagnosis before telling your child. This way, your anxiety and fears will not scare him or her. Have a few age appropriate books on hand to explain what will be happening. Let your child know the news of your illness as early as possible. This gives the family time before surgery and treatment so the child won't blame him or herself for the sadness that may become apparent in the house. You also don't want him/ her to hear it from a well meaning neighbor. Be honest and don't hide the diagnosis. Our son knew something was amiss and tense in our normally happy household. Telling him that mommy was sick and needed some strong medicine, made him realize that my initial depression and tears were not his fault. He thought it was cool that I would be bald. Girls at his school clearly did not share this idea! We gave the cancer the correct name; mommy had breast cancer. Let the child take the lead. They will ask in their own time what they wish to know. One day in the post office my son asked: "Can boys get breast cancer?" The long line of customers leaned in for the answer (which I promptly and honestly answered in the car). "Very few boys or men get breast cancer. You shouldn't worry about that, you will be fine." This was also a good time for me to mention that he couldn't "catch" cancer. The question that brought me to my knees was," Will I be getting a new mom this spring?" I answered, while holding back the tears, "I will always be your mama no matter what life brings." Include the children in the process from treatment to recovery. Quiet games were a must, and kisses and hugs were the very best medicine. We played endless games of chess and bingo. Our son liked to be in charge of bringing me water and getting the "puke bucket". Schedules are important for children but it is perfectly ok and even beneficial to bend the rules as needed. Our son got to watch a bit more TV than usual; he is none the worse for the wear. We also had a gift stash. When I was too weak to even play bingo; we pulled out a new toy. I received many gifts during that time; why not spoil the child a bit as well? Children are resilient; just let them know daily that they are loved immensely. Give the child room to vent his/her frustrations and anger. I allowed my son to use bad words - only if he shouted them into his closet with the door shut. He was also able to draw all over the walls of the closet (walk-in) as a safe place to express his emotions. He ended up drawing on the door with markers a family portrait including God. We all had pig noses! I wish I saved that door after our remodel. Pray! If you already pray, step it up a few notches. Now is the best time ever to take up prayer with your family. Faith will help to answer the tough and seemingly unanswerable questions. In summary, be yourself, be honest and know that your family will grow from this devastating experience in the most amazing and positive way. Cathy Nilon is a breast cancer survivor and native New Yorker who now lives in the Seattle, WA area. She wrote and illustrated Chemo Cat with her son Luca. Educated in New York City at The High School of Art and Design, The Fashion Institute of Technology, as well as Ars Sutoria in Milan, Italy, she has had an extensive career in shoe design and production for Liz Claiborne, Jones New York and others, living in Italy, Indonesia, Taiwan, China and Hong Kong. Cathy plans to continue writing and illustrating books with uplifting themes for children of all ages. For more information visit chemocat.com or amazon.com/Chemo-Cat-Cathy-Nilon/dp/0979192145 . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Change Your Language, Change Your Relationship How We Say Things Does Matter By Sharon Rivkin www.sharonrivkin.com That old phrase, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me" is not really true. Words may not inflict visible bruises like sticks and stones, but they pack a punch nonetheless. They injure our insides, our feelings, and our self-esteem. External bruises are tangible proof that we've been hurt. Internal bruises from verbal attacks are harder to prove, harder to acknowledge, and harder to talk about. Words and how we say them do matter, so it's very important to be careful how you speak to your partner and others. The misuse and carelessness of how you speak are two of the main issues that undermine and can eventually destroy a relationship. There are many positive and compassionate ways to get your point across to someone you care about. For example, a judgmental statement such as, "I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and can't say anything to my partner without him/her getting upset," can instead be reframed to "I want to show my partner respect and love by speaking to them with compassion and awareness." That doesn't mean you can't speak your mind, it just means you're being respectful and mindful of another person's feelings and vulnerabilities. It lets your partner know they're not a bad person, but you truly want them to hear you. Use of attacking language, such as "You're a jerk," "You always," "You never...," is guaranteed to get a negative response from your partner who has no choice but to be react defensively. When communicating, keep the following four tips in mind: Use "I" statements. Have compassion for yourself and your partner. Listen before you speak. Speak as you would like to be spoken to. Another example of reframing negative, judgmental language to positive and compassionate language includes: Your partner is angry and yells at you for no reason. You could say, "Shut up, you're always yelling at me for no reason. You're awful!" OR you could say: "It's not okay to talk to me that way. I don't deserve it and it is hurtful." Because this is a more neutral and uncharged way of speaking than the first accusatory example, it's going to be much easier for your partner to hear you, to reply in an understanding manner, and maybe even change his/her behavior. You're speaking your feelings without raking your partner over the coals. Good communication means expressing your feelings without making another person defensive. What this ultimately means is taking responsibility for your feelings and expressing them in a way that is clear without blame, shame, or damage. The goal is to speak with consciousness and awareness. Remember...when we are compassionate in the way we speak, we can say even the hardest things to someone and still communicate our caring, love, and displeasure - altogether. Therefore, before you speak, remember: LISTEN to yourself. THINK about your partner and use words that he/she will understand. COOL down before you talk. Don't talk in the heat of the moment. Try to express the feelings (hurt, anger, disappointment) that are hiding underneath the shame, blame, self-righteousness and judgment. REMEMBER you want resolution and peace, not necessarily to be RIGHT. KINDNESS and COMPASSION go a long way. Sharon M. Rivkin, Marriage and Family Therapist, and author of The First Argument: Cutting to the Root of Intimate Conflict , has worked with couples for 27 years. Her unique insight into the first argument was featured in O: The Oprah Magazine and Reader's Digest , and has attracted people throughout the United States and abroad for consultation, workshops, and courses. For more information on Sharon Rivkin and her book, or to contact her, visit www.sharonrivkin.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Preparing Your Child for Today's World: 10 Tips for Teaching and Protecting Your Child By Paula Statman www.kidwisecorner.com How do you prepare your to child to navigate safely and confidently in the world, ready to deal with situations and people he or she may encounter? Here are 10 parenting tips to help make the journey a little more effective. Accept your role as your child's protector and teacher. The kinds of issues our children are expected to deal with today are complex and often dangerous. Problems like violence, bullying, and online predators are commonplace in their world. To protect your son or daughter's emotional and physical well-being, you must learn about these and other tough issues and develop the skills to discuss them effectively. Teach your child that he/she has the right to be safe. From the time your child understands words, instill in her the core belief that no one has the right to make her feel threatened or unsafe. This right is non-negotiable and is guaranteed by the United Nations/UNICEF Children's Protections Rights. Prepare - don't scare - your kids. It is easy to get overwhelmed with your worries about your child's safety. But, research shows that if you contaminate what you are trying to teach with your fears, your child won't remember your message, only that you were scared. Practice using moderate language and a matter-of-fact tone when you discuss sensitive issues. Focus on what your child needs to learn rather than why it upsets you. Share your fears and worries with other adults rather than your children. Help your child say 'no.' Did you say no to your parents? Do your kids say no to you? Whether or not your grew up with the right to set verbal boundaries with adults in authority, children need to be empowered with the right to say no to anyone who is acting inappropriately, regardless of their position or power. This is a first step in turning "nice" kids, who are compliant in most situations, in to "safe and strong" kids, who obey adults unless they feel confused or threatened. Teach your child to recognize, trust, and act on her instincts. Help your child respond quickly and self-protectively if he or she gets an inner signal that something is not right. It might be a voice in her head that says "Uh-oh, this isn't OK." Or maybe it's a feeling in the pit of his stomach. Regardless of how the warning alarm sounds, the important thing is that your child be taught to listen to it and not rationalizes a person's behavior or wait for the situation to escalate. Teach and model healthy boundaries in relationships. Beginning with body awareness, children need to learn what a "respectful distance" looks and feels like. They also need to recognize if someone is ignoring their boundaries and what to do about it. The respect that you show for your children's physical and emotional space will set the tone for how they let others treat them. Protect, Prepare, Practice, Praise, and Preview. Use these 5 steps to teach your child skills such as crossing the street safely, riding the bus, walking to school, basically any skill where his safety is at stake. The emphasize is on supervised practice, which allows you to gauge your child's progress and ensures that you don't give him a new privilege or responsibility before he is prepared to handle it successfully. Monitor your child. Protective parenting is not about hovering or being paranoid. It's about being a good observer, supervisor, and sometimes a detective. Listen to and watch your child. Be curious, involved, and ask questions. Notice any changes in her behavior or moods. You want to catch early signs of a budding problem rather than deal with a full-blown crisis. Cultivate your child's self esteem and desirable traits. Be strategic and enthusiastically praise glimpses of behavior that you want to see more of, such as using good judgment or acting responsibly. Your child or teen will pick up on your pleasure in watching him become trustworthy and responsible and will try harder to demonstrate those kinds of behaviors. Tell them you love them. In addition to expressing your love and appreciation when you feel proud of your child, be sure to express your love for no special reason or when the going gets tough. Kids who are loved feel more worthwhile and are less vulnerable to mistreatment by others. Paula Statman, M.S.S.W. is an internationally respected educator, speaker and award-winning author. Her practical, positive approach to raising safe and strong children has benefited hundreds of thousands of parents. Paula is a repeat guest on Oprah and the Today Show , has appeared on over 200 radio and television programs, and is featured in publications such as Parents, Child, Redbook , and USA Today.com. The founder and director KidWISE Institute, Paula lives in Oakland, California with her husband and daughter. Visit www.kidwisecorner.com for more information. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Ten Rules for Talking to Your Children about Grades By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller My teen came home with a poor report cart. How do I talk to her about it? I want to praise my son for his recent grades but I don't want to go overboard. How should I handle it? What do you say to a child who has a decent report card but you know they could do so much better? These are just a few of the questions we have received in recent weeks via email, at workshops, or from clients. These parents, who place a high emphasis on grades, want to know what to say and how to talk to children about the grades and the comments teachers place on their report cards. To that end, we offer the following ten rules for talking to your children about grades. Begin early. Talk with your children about grades before report cards come out. Clearly define what you think about grades and what expectations you have for your children regarding grades from the beginning of their school experience. Don't wait until you hold a report card in your hands before you begin this important communication. Remember, your children are not their grades. Grades are only a partial reflection of who and what they really are, know, and are capable of becoming. Grades measure only what your child's particular school defines as smart. That narrow definition of intelligence does not measure emotional intelligence, spontaneity, integrity, trustworthiness, fortitude, sensitivity, creativity and a host of other important characteristics. Rewards are ineffective if a love of learning is your goal. Paying kids ten dollars for each A, treating them to ice cream if they bring home a good report card, or buying a new video game if they get on the honor role promotes only short-term results at best. What getting rewards for grades really teaches children is that you don't study so you can learn and grow, you study so you can get a treat or special concert tickets. You are teaching your children that learning is not the goal; grades are. Move up in consciousness before you move in with action. Take three deep breaths or count to ten before you say anything in response to a report card. Talk to yourself before you talk to the child. Remind yourself that he or she is not his or her grades. He is love and light, a child of God. Remember that what is, is. You cannot change these grades. They are what they are. It is where the child goes from here, what she does with the information that is on the report card, that is important. The next step is the only one that can be taken now. When you have all that in mind and you are emotionally under control, move to action using the following rules for discussing grades. Listen more than talk. When discussing a report card, ask lots of questions. Ask your child: How do you feel about these grades? What do you attribute them to? Were there any surprises on this report card for you? What are you most proud of? Are there any disappointments here for you? What is one goal you have for next time? Be descriptive rather than evaluative. Evaluative words like "good job," "excellent," "superb," "lousy," "pitiful," and "poor" are not helpful. Evaluation does not teach or give the child useful information. Describe what you see and leave the evaluation for the child. "Looks like you're a bit down from last time." "Two teachers mentioned missing assignments." Children who receive a positive report card need affirmation, not evaluation. Affirm what they have accomplished with descriptive comments. "I notice you went up in two classes." "Every one of your teachers said they enjoyed having you in class." Separate the deed from the doer. "I love you and I don't like this report card" helps the child see that it is the results you don't enjoy, not the person. Help your children see that they are not their report card. Likewise, stay away from comments such as, "I love you so much when you bring home a report card like this." This style of communication obviously tells the child that your love is linked to high grades, so if the grades go down so will your love. Focus on solution seeking. Dwelling on what you have defined as a problem brings negative energy to the situation and keeps you stuck in what is. Attention to solution seeking infuses the discussion with positive energy and helps you concentrate on moving things forward to a different ending. Fix the problem rather than fixing blame by searching for solutions. Punishments don't work. Consequences and natural outcome do. What are natural consequences of poor grades? Having a tutor work with you on Saturday mornings. Going to a learning specialist three days a week after school. Investing part of your summer retaking a class. Explain to your child that "opportunity equals responsibility." When the responsibility stays up (a satisfactory report card), so does the opportunity to choose your own activities on Saturday mornings. When the responsibility drops, so does the opportunity. Communicate positive expectations. One of the best things you can do for your children is to expect their success and communicate that to them. Use surprise talk when presented with a negative report card. "Wow. This is surprising," and "I never expected this" are ways to communicate that you hold higher expectations of them than the report card reflects. When they bring home a positive report card, use surprise talk in a different way. "Knowing you the way I do, this type of report doesn't surprise me." "This doesn't surprise me. Not after the way I have seen you study and prepare for tests. Congratulations." Report cards come home several times a year. You will have more than one opportunity to use these rules with your children. When you do use them, keep in mind that your relationship with your child is more important than anything written on their report card. Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman are the authors of Teaching the Attraction Principle to Children: Practical Strategies for Parents and Teachers to Help Children Manifest a Better World. They are two of the world's foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. They publish a free monthly e-zine for parents. To sign up for it or to obtain more information about how they can help you or your group meet your parenting needs visit their website today: www.personalpowerpress.com Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

7 Tips for Hiring a Babysitter By Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman You've heard the advice. "Take some time for yourselves. Create a date night. Hire a babysitter and spend quality quiet time together." Your friends have told you that. So have your closest relatives. Perhaps a counselor has recommended the same thing. So you're convinced and ready to proceed. Get out the phone book and call a sitter. But wait! It's not that easy. Finding a babysitter who has a similar parenting style to your own is no easy task. More and more parents are finding this out and struggling to find a compatible, reputable babysitter, even if it's for a few hours a month. Some, aware of the recent news stories about incompetent child care, are consumed with fear and anxiety around leaving their children in the hands of a complete stranger. If concern about quality babysitting is on your heart and mind, the following tips can help you in your search as well as relieve anxiety while you're out. Do your homework. Take your time in this important search. Ask neighbors, friends, co-workers for recommendations. Check and double check their back ground and reputation. Find out if the person you are considering has taken child care classes, infant CPR certification, or training of any kind. There is no need to rush into finding a babysitter. Take your time. Look outside your immediate family. Resist the temptation to let an aunt or cousin watch your children without giving the same scrutiny to them as you would a stranger. Cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents who baby sit have all been known to molest children. Being a dear relative does not exempt someone from incompetence, a poor attitude, or consuming self-interest. Consider hiring a younger babysitter that you can train. Begin by hiring a "mother's helper" to come to your home to play with your child while you are home. You can observe the young person's interaction with your child, offer suggestions when situations arise, and model how you want the care of your child to take place. You can then extend the length and breadth of the young sitters role as their experience increases. Clarify the babysitter's role. Be specific and direct about your expectations for them. Remind your babysitter that safety is your primary concern while your child is in their care. You do not want their focus scattered on other responsibilities. You may have to tell your babysitter that your child must be in view at all times. Point our specific dangers, such as where the poison chemicals are kept in your home, the steep back steps, or the closeness of the road to where some neighborhood children play ball, etc. Leave the number for the poison control center by the phone, both upstairs and downstairs. Show the babysitter where you keep the ipecac syrup in case vomiting needs to be induced. Remember safety first. Instruct the babysitter to ignore the phone and television. These are obvious distracters. It only takes a few seconds for a child to enter into a dangerous situation. Remind the sitter that you are hiring them to interact with your child and be the adult present in their life while you are gone. One cannot be fully present while watching TV or talking on the phone. Leave your babysitter a list of fun activities that your children like to do. Set it up so that your children enjoy the babysitter coming over to play with them. Make it an event to remember with fun games and activities. If the babysitter doesn't want to get down on the ground and play with your kids, get a different sitter. When you find a good babysitter - keep them happy! Find out their favorite snacks/food and have them available. Write a thank you card to your babysitters a couple of times a year. When you can, give them a bonus, extra money, holiday or birthday gift. Do what you can to show your appreciation. Consider positioning your babysitter as a valued member of your family. They can be an iatrical part in helping you raise your children. The steps you take to find that person can give you a much needed parenting break, ease your anxiety and create fun for your children too. Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman are the authors of Teaching The Attraction Principle to Children . They are two of the world's foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. They publish a free monthly e-zine for parents. To sign up for it or to obtain more information about how they can help you or your group meet your parenting needs, visit their website today: www.personalpowerpress.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Are you Tired? Lack of Sleep is Hazardous to your Health By Michael Esposito, MD www.mikeespositomd.com Nearly forty percent of Americans don't get enough sleep every night and they're paying the price. Recent studies show adults need eight hours of sleep a night and children about nine to eleven depending on their age. A large percentage of adults are sleeping less than six hours a night. The lack of sleep leads to decreased job performance, poor interpersonal relationships and above all, poor overall health. The health risks associated with lack of sleep are both immediate and chronic. The most important acute problem faced by the sleep deprived is motor vehicle collision. The government estimates one hundred thousand accidents and one thousand, five hundred deaths are caused annually by people falling asleep behind the wheel. The most common offenders are young people in their late teens and early twenties. The chronic health problems faced by the sleepy affect both the mind and body. Chronically depriving the brain of sleep can be compared to chronic vitamin deficiency or chronic malnutrition for the body. The brain will have decreased functioning or will fail to grow to its potential. The body suffers and chronic sleep depravation has been associated with sleep apnea, diabetes, heart disease, depression and many other chronic conditions. Studies suggest the relationship is bidirectional with these ailments. For example, lack of sleep leads to sleep apnea and depression as well as the reverse. The mechanisms are not completely understood currently. The role of sleep is not completely understood but much is known. While sleeping, the brain processes information and stores memories, muscles and organs regenerate and the body's regulatory hormones are released. Sleep is necessary for normal homeostasis. Animals deprived of sleep will die and people who have less than six hours of sleep have death rates two times higher than the regular population. There are many reasons why Americans are sleep deprived. Many of these reasons are under our control and can be adjusted for with lifestyle changes. These changes include not doing choirs right before bed, not working up until bed time and not watching television in bed. The specific sleep disorders such as insomnia and their treatments are too detailed for this article. Anyone interested can find information online including the National Sleep Foundation which is a non-profit organization created to treat sleep disorders. Your doctor can help or can refer you to a local sleep study center for treatment. My suggestion is to take a different approach to your life. Set aside eight and a half hours for sleep every night. The extra half hour is needed for a well rested person about fifteen minutes to fall asleep. If you are falling right to sleep then you are probably sleep deprived. After setting aside this time for sleeping, you have about fifteen and a half hours to do everything else. Trim those other things so you can preserve your sleep. You will feel better and be healthier. You wouldn't starve your body of food then why deprive your brain of sleep? Mike Esposito graduated with BS from University of Florida. Mike continued his Graduate Education in Nuclear engineering. He then entered Medical school at the University of South Florida. He then completed a four year radiology residency at USF and a subsequent fellowship in Neuroradiology at Duke University. Mike now is in private practice radiology in the Tampa area. He is married to wife, Kay with whom he has four children. For more information please visit www.mikeespositomd.com . Listen to Mike's radio show RadioMD at www.webtalkradio.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>