Parenting Strategies for De-Stressing the Holidays By Paula Statman www.kidwisecorner.com Parenting is a tough balancing act. It's even tougher at holiday time, when all the excitement can have a negative impact on children. Having a flexible approach, setting priorities, and spending your time, energy, and money wisely will help keep kids' stress at bay and make the holidays enjoyable for the whole family. Holiday Stress is Contagious It's not realistic for parents to expect children to relax when they are running around like crazy, shopping, baking, decorating, and becoming stressed at the thought of blowing the holiday budget after just one trip to the mall. If parents are experiencing an increase in stress then so are their children. Children reflect the mood of the household and the ideas and values of the family. So if the parents are spinning out of control, the kids will spin out of control, too. How to Manage Kids' Stress 1. Adjust Attitudes and Manage Expectations Have a discussion before the holiday season begins. Pledge to make the holiday season a time of love and peace, not a time focused on material goods and gifts. Talk to your children about the true meaning of the holiday season depending on your faith and heritage. Kids need some degree of control and predictability. Prolonged uncertainty, constantly changing plans or last minute decisions can all increase stress. Include your children in holiday planning sessions, and let them know the final details well in advance. This will give them a chance to prepare themselves emotionally for the visits, dinners and other running around of the season. Holiday shopping can be overwhelming for kids, so help them decide in advance who to buy for, what to buy and how much to spend. Or even better, discuss with your kids how they can make appropriate gifts for family and friends. Manage your kids' expectations. Don't promise things you can't produce. For example, don't promise a parent will be home in time for the holidays if the decision is really out of your control. Don't try and compensate for an absent family member with lots of gifts. What most kids really want is your time and attention. 2. Create Rich and Meaningful Experiences Don't underestimate how important traditions are to you and your children. Family traditions offer great comfort and security for children when everything in their lives is being disrupted by the holiday season. Focus on experiences rather than spending. Help children think about giving as well as getting. What they can do for the community, even at a young age, helps them understand that the world is about "we" rather than "me." Propose ideas such as baking cookies and delivering them to a local nursing home or soup kitchen. Ask your kids what they would like to do. Crafts, baking, ice skating, stories around the fireplace, seeing friends are the things that memories are made of. Family traditions are what we recall as adults - not the gifts we got. Help your kids enjoy the holiday season by creating wonderful, stress-free memories that they will carry with them for a lifetime and pass own to their own children someday. 3. Preserve and Protect Routines Stick to your normal family routine as much as possible. It's often hard to take time out of busy holiday preparations, but a walk, a trip to a playground or play area, or whatever else you usually do with your kids each day can be a great stress reducer. Kids are often dragged along on shopping expeditions or taken to events over which they have no control. And when a routine is broken, stress can result. If possible, skip unnecessary activities or tag-team as parents. Have one parent do the shopping or run the errands while the other stays home to keep things status quo. It can make a big difference. 4. Eat Healthy and Consciously Try to plan at least one healthy, homemade meal every day. And don't let your guard down with snacks... a nutritious snack can help a child function much more smoothly through a long afternoon of shopping at the mall. Limit the fast food during the holidays. Factor in sugary holiday treats that can cause kids to be hungry and stressed. 5. Monitor and Limit TV and Video Games De-emphasize television. Much holiday programming seems to be designed to get children all worked up about the holidays. Try to mute or turn off the commercials, and be selective about your family's holiday viewing. Limit the amount of time kids playing video games. Encourage physical activity and interaction with peers. Children who are experiencing some stress usually need more physical activity. Encourage your kids to bundle up and play outside. If you have younger ones, make time for a walk. The fresh air can work wonders. 6. Use Stress-Reducing Techniques Instead of telling your child to go "calm down" this holiday season, give them the tools they need to manage stress and anxiety. If you see your children beginning to get stressed, try to spend some quiet time with them before the situation gets out of control. Stop for a snack, a game or a few minutes of reading before rejoining the holiday activities. 7. Keep the Mood Light Hands down laughter is still the number one way to relieve stress at any age. Laugh it up with your kids and their mood will shift from good to bad in no time. Laughter is still the best way to beat stress and change everyone's mood from bad to good. Take time to read the comics to your children, or find a holiday joke book with family humor at your bookstore or library. Parents are the gatekeepers for the level of holiday excitement and stress that reaches their kids. Their ability to parent with flexibility and strength, recognizing and responding wisely when they are their kids feel stressed will help them manage the pressure and tension that can affect everyone's enjoyment. Paula Statman, M.S.S.W. is an internationally respected educator, speaker and award-winning author. Her practical, positive approach to raising safe and strong children has benefited hundreds of thousands of parents. Paula is a repeat guest on Oprah and the Today Show , has appeared on over 200 radio and television programs, and is featured in publications such as Parents, Child, Redbook , and USA Today.com. The founder and director KidWISE Institute, Paula lives in Oakland, California with her husband and daughter. For more information visit www.kidwisecorner.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Time-Saving Tips for the Holidays By Laura Stack, The Productivity Proreg;, Inc. www.TheProductivityPro.com When was the last time you had a really relaxing holiday? I don't mean that peaceful thirty-minute aftermath that follows a successful dinner party or the kids' gift-opening extravaganza. I mean a holiday that is relaxing, from beginning to end. That includes travel, dinner preparations, and shopping. All it will take is a little organization and advance planning. Here are some tips to get you started. Plan your travel now. Need to be out of town to see family or friends? If you haven't already made arrangements, make it a priority. Especially if you plan to fly, the best deals disappear fast. Get online and start shopping around as soon as you know where you need to be and when. Once the arrangements are made, start getting things squared away with work. Whether you need to request time off, reschedule a recurring meeting, or just let your employees know that you'll be gone, do it as soon as possible. Depending on where you work, getting holiday time off can be competitive. Especially in this case, the early bird tends to get the worm. Make a budget. Unless you've got more money that you know what to do with, it is easy for the holiday season to turn into a financial headache. Ninety-nine percent of that stress can be eliminated by thinking ahead and making a budget. Financial sanity doesn't come from having a ton of money; it comes from spending it wisely. Decide how much you're going to spend and stick to it. Letting yourself creep over your budget probably isn't going to make you a hero in the gift department, but it might cost you a gray hair or two when it comes time to sort out the holiday bills. How many times have you charged expensive items and spent five months paying for them? See if you can break tradition this year by drawing names or just sending cards. Tell the people you're not buying for that you've pared down your gift list out of necessity and ask them not to buy for you as well. Avoid the shopping marathon. Unless you really do enjoy the "shop 'till you drop" marathon mall sessions, skip the all-day shopping trips. If you start now (or better yet, six months ago), you'll be amazed at how much you can get done by picking up an item here and there while you're running your everyday errands. The secret is to sit down, make a list of the people you need to shop for, and keep it with you. Ideally, your list will include one or two gift options for each person, too. Keep your list with you and cross off a few people every week. Also keep your eye out for stocking stuffers and similar small items. And as for that whole Black Friday thing - if you don't enjoy it, skip it! Unless shopping is in your blood, the money you'll save probably isn't worth the aggravation. Wrap as you go. Don't put all of your wrapping off until the last minute. As you pick things up, go ahead and wrap them as soon as you get a chance. Wrap a couple extras for a guest who shows up unexpectedly and gives you a gift. It helps to have a dedicated wrapping area cornered off that is well-stocked with all the essentials - wrapping paper, scissors, gift tags, tape, etc. The easier you make it for yourself, the more likely you are to get it done. Simplify, simplify. No matter how cool your friends and family might play it, you are NOT the only one who gets stressed out around the holidays. If the stress of preparations is getting out of hand, don't be afraid to propose a simplified pot-luck dinner instead of a more elaborate affair or a gift exchange instead of shopping for everyone individually. Even if you just try this approach with a small group of friends or extended family, it'll be at least a small relief for everyone involved. When it comes to reducing you holiday workload, every little bit helps. Make friends with the Internet. More and more shoppers are finally taking the plunge and skipping the traditional brick and mortar stores completely. Internet shopping has come a long way in the last few years and you might be surprised at how simple it has gotten. You can easily compare prices and can generally find good deals on shipping that will guarantee arrival in plenty of time for the big day. Play your cards right. Many people take one look at that mound of Christmas cards and can suddenly think of three or four other things that require their immediate attention. We love getting cards but hate the prospect of doing ours. So we procrastinate until December 22 and pull another 2 a.m. shift to get them in the mail by Christmas. So, I look at my cards as a process. Breaking the project down into smaller pieces makes it seem more manageable. You can even begin now! The first thing I do is create the labels. Second, I stick them on the envelopes with a return address label and stamp. Next, I write the family newsletter and get it copied onto the special paper. Finally, I set up an assembly line: (a) add a salutation to the card such as "Dearest X Family," (b) sign our names, (c) enclose the newsletter and a picture, and (d) seal the envelope with a sticker. No licking for me! If you prefer to hand-write your cards, the trick is to write five each day, starting the day after Thanksgiving. Take some with you wherever you go, in case you find some free time: at the doctor's office, waiting for a meeting to begin, or picking your child up from a lesson. Cheat. Unless you really enjoy preparing mass quantities of food from scratch, there's no reason not to take advantage of a short-cut or two. Particularly when it comes to the dessert menu, there are plenty of quick and easy mixes that can help you shave some serious time off of your meal preparation schedule. Just go to the grocery store and find a few easy-to-make offerings or buy something from the deli. For a special touch you can dress your desserts with extra holiday sprinkles or a squiggle of chocolate sauce across the plate for a very restaurant-looking presentation. Give yourself the gift of time. How about purchasing a few months of housekeeping instead of clothes? Purchase a gift certificate to a restaurant so you don't have to cook. Have the veterinarian groom your dog instead of doing it yourself, being soaked, and making a mess. Buy a book on tape to listen to in the car on the way to work. Purchase a cell phone and eliminate phone tag by forwarding your calls when you leave the office. Have your groceries delivered once a week for a month (less than the cost of a blouse). Hire a teenager to do the major cleaning required before houseguests arrive. Remember your priorities. Take shortcuts where it really doesn't matter: buy cookies instead of baking them or barter a task you don't like for one you do. I know two women who trade chores at holiday time. One hates to bake; the other hates to do crafts. So one woman decorates the other's home and wraps her presents beautifully; the other does the meal preparation and holiday baking for the other! Cut out as many social engagements as possible if you want more family time-you can't go to a school musical when it's more convenient. Kids appreciate happy and relaxed parents more than perfect decorations. Get moving! However you choose to get a head start on the holiday season, you won't regret putting in the extra effort early on. Keep yourself motivated by thinking about how nice it will be to cruise through the end of December stress-free and full of holiday spirit. You might make a date with yourself to visit the mall on the last weekend before Christmas-just so you can observe the mayhem you successfully avoided by being so productive! Make it a productive day! (tm)copy; Copyright 2007 Laura Stack. Laura is the president of The Productivity Proreg; Inc. and the bestselling author of Find More Time and Leave the Office Earlier . She presents keynotes and seminars on time management, information overload, and personal productivity. Contact her at www.TheProductivityPro.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Culture of Divorce: Family Relationships at Thanksgiving By Brian Orchard www.vision.org Thanksgiving can be a joyous opportunity to cement family relationships. However, with 50% marriages ending in divorce in the United States, moral values are crumbling. For fractured families the holiday can be a lonely, unhappy time, and thankfulness may not come easily. For the children it can also be confusing. Even if equal time can be spent with Mom and Dad, the fact remains that something has gone wrong with the foundation of their lives. With the divorce rate so high, Vision.org examines the societal influences which cause divorce. Over the past hundred years or so, there have been changes in religion and ethical issues that influence marriage, personal development and family relationships. Statistics tell us that first marriages today stand a 45 percent chance of breaking up and second marriages a 60 percent chance, but those numbers just confirm what we already knew: Divorce has increased not only in frequency but also in acceptance. It isn#146;t that marriages were perfect in the 18th and 19th centuries, and that toward the end of the 20th century we somehow wandered off the straight and narrow. But regardless of what the institution used to represent, it is well documented that the traditional roles of men and women changed greatly with industrialization and urbanization in the 20th century. The harmful effects of divorce on children were documented in the Bible almost 400 years before Christ. There, we are told that God opposes divorce. (Malachi 2:16.) Marriage is a covenant. It is not independent agreement: The wife is not an inferior but a companion in whom the husband should take delight. Marriage also assumes a sexual union, and this union is much more than just a physical experience; it is the union of mind and spirit. Over the last 40 years an increased acceptance of divorce has produced profound changes in our attitudes about marriage and family. The roles of men and women not only changed with industrialization and urbanization in the 20th century, but also during World War II when women entered the workplace. The birth control pill gave women control over fertility; and wages earned brought greater decision-making ability in family relationships. These societal changes brought freedoms that previous generations did not have. During the 1970s, the divorce rate doubled as attitudes on fidelity, chastity and commitment in the younger generation became very different from those of their parents. The change reduced the incentive to work out marital difficulties. In this society and culture more and more couples are willing to endure the pain of ending a marriage without concern for the consequences to their children#151;a fact that is reshaping society. At no time is the pain felt more keenly than when others are celebrating. Those who suffer are the children, who identify not only with their mother and father as separate individuals, but also with the parents#146; relationship with each other. They carry the experience of this relationship into adulthood as they create a new family. Unless premature death interferes, marriage embarked upon in youth is intended to remain into old age. The marriage covenant relationship is intended to produce children and to provide them with the physical and mental nurturing that young, developing minds require. This is precisely the basis of the injunction recorded by the prophet Malachi against ancient Israel. Society at that time was destroying the security of future generations by dismantling the marriage relationship#151;just as ours is today. Divorce weakens the basic building blocks of our society and culture. Children of divorce may be affected to greater or lesser degrees, but they carry the impact of the broken family into adulthood and this will, in turn, affect the next generation. Perhaps it#146;s not too late for us to rethink divorce and society#146;s moral values and how our family relationships affect our society culture for generations to come. Vision Media is a Web site that looks at the issues which affect our society and culture. The visitor is challenged to examine Family Relationships with fresh eyes as Thanksgiving approaches. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Special Thanks This Thanksgiving By Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller Millions of parents will pause this Thanksgiving to do what the day was originally created for--- give thanks for the many blessings that exist in their lives. Turkey, pumpkin pie, and the presence of loved ones will receive their fair share of gratitude during this annual ritual of appreciation. The abundance provided by the universe, opportunities for meaningful work, and the laughter of children will be acknowledged with gratitude by loving parents as they thank the creator for their blessings. Indeed, this traditional day calls for a traditional thank-you. But what if your appreciation this Thanksgiving took on a new look? What if the blessings you count this year included situations that aren't usually regarded as helpful, useful or valuable? Consider the following. Why not be thankful that your child is two years behind grade level in his reading ability? This struggling reader is giving you the opportunity to read to him regularly at night. This evening ritual will help build connectedness between you and your child while at the same time modeling your love for the printed word. This opportunity is an incredible blessing. Appreciate it. Why not be thankful that your daughter's soccer team lost their last game? It is important that your children have experiences of both winning and losing. By losing, children have the opportunity to learn to handle defeat and bounce back next time. With your help, they can learn that winning or losing is not the measure of who and what they are as human beings. Appreciate the opportunity the loss brings and be grateful for it. Why not be thankful that your teenager received a speeding ticket for going 45 mph in a 25 mph speed zone? Getting a ticket is not a bad thing. Not if your teen learns from it and slows her driving for the next year. If she takes personal responsibility, pays the ticket, and is more cautious about her driving, the ticket may well save her life in the future. Bless the ticket and give thanks for its blessings. Why not be thankful that your 8-year-old shoplifted in the grocery store? This is the perfect time to teach your child about shoplifting. Better now than when he helps himself to someone else's car when he is 18. Teach him how to make amends. Teach him what to say as he returns the candy bars to the storeowner. Help him learn to articulate what he learned and what he intends to do differently next time. Be grateful for the opportunity. Why not be thankful that your youngsters track mud and sand into the garage and house? The next time you stand in the garage furiously sweeping sand and wishing that your children were better behaved, quietly remind yourself that one day you'll wish you had sand to sweep out of the garage. Love the mud. Love the sand. Be grateful for the signs of the presence of children in your life. Why not be thankful for sibling rivalry? "He got more than I did" and "It isn't fair" are common childhood refrains. Bless these opportunities to help your children learn how to get along with each other. Sibling rivalry is a call for help, a signal that your children need lessons on how to interact positively with each other. Bless their unskillful way of asking for help. Be grateful that you recognize it and help them grow in working and playing cooperatively. Why not be thankful that you got to stay home with a sick child last week? You didn't have to stay home. You got to stay home. You didn't have to take him to the doctor. You got to take him to the doctor. You got to show him you care enough to drive all over town to the doctors, the pharmacists and back home again. You got to be with your boy while he was sick. Chalk it up as a blessing. Celebrate it this Thanksgiving. Why not give thanks that your child is spilling milk, talking with his mouth full, wiping cranberry sauce on his new pants, refusing to eat his vegetables, and interrupting his grandmother at the dinner table this day? It means you have more work to do as a parent. This is a blessing. You are still needed to help your child learn to pour milk more carefully, improve his table manners, learn to eat nutritiously, and show respect for elders. Give thanks for these opportunities. This Thanksgiving remember that parenting is a sacred role that you are being called to perform. Give thanks that you have been called. Give thanks that you are willing to step forward and accept that call. Celebrate yourself and your contribution to healing the planet by helping your children evolve into the people they were meant to be. You are a blessing to the world. Give thanks that you are up to the task. Happy Thanksgiving. Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of The Only Three Discipline Strategies You Will Ever Need: Essential Tools for Busy Parents and The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose . They are two of the world's foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. They publish a free monthly e-zine for parents. To sign up visit their web sites at www.chickmoorman.com and www.thomashaller.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

More >>

10 Tips for Helping Your Child Adjust to School By Dr. Laura Markham www.yourparentingsolutions.com So she's off to school every morning now, like a big kid. But instead of the exuberance you expected, you find many days - especially Monday -- starting with tears, or maybe a tummy-ache. Don't worry, it's not unusual for kids to need a little extra help adjusting to the start of school. What can you do? 1. Facilitate your child's bonding with the teacher. Kids need to transfer their attachment focus to their teacher to be ready to learn. If you notice that your child doesn't feel good about his teacher, contact her immediately. Just explain that he doesn't seem to have settled in yet, and you hope she can make a special effort to reach out to him so he feels at home. Any experienced teacher will understand and pay extra attention to him for a bit. 2. Facilitate bonding with the other kids. Kids need to feel bonded with at least one other child. Ask the teacher if she's noticed who your child is hanging with. Ask him which kids he'd like to invite over to play. If he isn't comfortable with how the other child would respond to a playdate invitation, you can always invite the mom with her kid for ice cream after school, or the entire family for Friday night dinner. You don't need anything fancier than pasta, and by the end of the meal, the kids will be racing around the house like long lost buddies. And who knows? Maybe you and the mom will hit it off. 3. Give your child a way to hold onto you during the day. For many kids, the biggest challenge is saying goodbye to you. Develop a parting ritual, such as a hug and a saying: "I love you, you love me, have a great day and I'll see you at 3!" Most kids like a laminated picture of the family in their pencil box. Many also like a token for their pocket, such as a paper heart with a love note, or a pebble you found on the beach together. 4. Calm her fears. Most school anxiety is caused by worries that adults might find silly, such as the fear that you'll die or disappear while she's at school. Point out that naturally people who love each other don't like parting, but she'll have fun, you'll be absolutely fine, the school can always contact you, and your love is always with her even when you aren't. End every conversation with the reassurance "You know I ALWAYS come back" so she can repeat this mantra to herself if she worries. 5. Stay connected. Make sure that every day after school you have special time with your big girl to hear all about her day, whether it's a 3pm snack or a long snuggle after lights-out. 6. Be alert for signs about why your child is worried. Most of the time, kids do fine after a few weeks. But occasionally, their unhappiness indicates a more serious issue: he's being bullied, or can't see the blackboard, doesn't understand anything, and is afraid to speak up. Ask calm questions about his day, listen deeply, and reflect what he tells you so he'll keep talking. Start conversations by reading books about school together; your librarian can be helpful. Offer your own positive school stories ("I was so nervous the first week I couldn't even use the bathroom at school but then I met my best friend Maria and I loved first grade") and the assurance that he'll feel right at home soon. If you sense a bigger issue that you can't unearth, it's time to call the teacher. 7. Ease the transition. If your child gets teary when you say goodbye, use your goodbye routine and reassure her that she'll be fine and you'll be waiting at the end of the day. If she continues to have a hard time separating, see if the teacher can give her a special job every morning to ease the transition. 8. Make sure you're a few minutes early to pick your child up. Not seeing you immediately will exacerbate any anxieties. 9. Downplay the time younger kids spend with you at home. If a younger sibling is at home with you, be sure your older child knows how boring it is at home and how much the younger sib wishes she could go to big kids' school. 10. Create a calm household routine with early bedtimes and peaceful mornings. If you have to wake your kids in the morning, they aren't getting enough sleep. Kids who aren't well-rested don't have the internal resources to cope with goodbyes, much less the rigors of the school day. Start moving bedtime earlier every night by having him read in bed before lights out, which also improves his reading. And get yourself to bed early too, so you can deal calmly with the morning rush and get everyone off to a happy start. Dr. Laura Markham is the founding editor of the parenting web site www.yourparentingsolutions.com , featuring a popular advice column and parent-tested solutions you can use every day to connect with your kids and create a richer family life. Dr. Markham specializes in helping families nurture the parent-child relationships that protect today's kids. Her work appears regularly on a dozen parenting sites and in print; you can tune in to her biweekly chats on Wednesdays at Pregnancy.org. Dr. Markham speaks frequently in the New York area, where she lives with her husband, eleven year old daughter, and fifteen year old son. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Bend Your Candy not Your Safety Rules By Paula Statman, M.S.S.W. www.kidwisecorner.com For many children Halloween is the most exciting night of the year. Imagine what it means to kids today who are raised to be cautious about strangers. On this magical night, not only can they accept candy from strangers, they can ask them for candy! It is natural to want our kids to enjoy the same freedom we had. But these days it's better to bend your candy rules for a night than to set aside personal safety practices. Good safety is part of the privilege of trick or treating without adult supervision. Here are some guidelines to use with grade school and middle school age children who will be going out on their own: Prior to Halloween, make some rules and get your child's commitment to follow them. Some examples: "Follow the designated, pre-approved route." Everyone should know the route and your kids should agree to stay on it. If you need to find them in a hurry, you want to know exactly where to look. "Cross only in the cross walks." Give them flashlights, make sure their costumes can be seen at night and remind them to watch for cars. "Do not go inside people's homes; stay in open doorways." Sometimes people invite children in. Tell your kids to say that they want to stay on the doorstep. "Bring your candy home untouched." You will check it before they eat it. Toss out unwrapped candy, open boxes or any treat that looks suspicious. If you aren't sure your children will follow these rules, you can set up check points by phone. Give your children a cell phone and let them know you will be checking in at agreed upon intervals. Another alternative if you are uneasy about your children going out unsupervised is to postpone the privilege another year. Give them more time to develop responsible behavior. Tell them you will walk behind them or across the street and will be discreet. Make sure they can handle whatever or whomever they encounter. Before you decide it's OK to let your kids go out on their own, have some "What if?" discussions to find out if they are willing and able to make safe decisions when unsupervised. What would you do if some bigger and older kids took your candy? What would you do if somebody dared you to smash a jack-o-lantern? What would you do if someone told you that the best house for candy was off the route we agreed on? People are friendlier on Halloween but the same rules about strangers apply. Tell your kids that if anyone acts too friendly or familiar - with offers of candy or a ride to a 'really cool house that has the best treats in town' or asks where they live - they need to get away and tell an adult that someone is bothering them. Tell them they can ask for help at any house that is welcoming trick or treaters. Send your child out with at least 2 buddies. Older kids like to travel in packs on Halloween night. Your job is to find out who is in the pack before you say yes. You have some say in your child's choices. For example, you have the right and responsibility to veto a trick or treat partner who has had run-ins with the police on Halloween, has bullied younger children or has vandalized homes. You need to know if your child is with a group who will egg each other on or will egg peoples' houses. Also, the later it gets, the more dares kids take. Set a curfew to reduce the risk of your child's involvement in behavior that may land him or her in trouble. Finally, as you review the rules for Halloween night remember this: share useful safety tips in a helpful not fearful way. The ghosts and witches walking down the sidewalk are scary enough. Paula Statman, M.S.S.W. is an internationally respected educator, speaker and award-winning author. Her practical, positive approach to raising safe and strong children has benefited hundreds of thousands of parents. Paula is a repeat guest on Oprah and the Today Show , has appeared on over 200 radio and television programs, and is featured in publications such as Parents, Child, Redbook , and USA Today.com. The founder and director KidWISE Institute, Paula lives in Oakland, California with her husband and daughter. For more information visit www.kidwisecorner.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

Emotional Development is the Software By Sally Sacks www.SallySacks.com Just like a car needs gas to run, we need food to run our bodies and minds. The difference between a car and our minds, is that we have emotions, feelings and thoughts. Cars don't. We also need fuel to run our minds effectively to deal with the challenges, disappointments, roadblocks and stop signs of life. Emotional development -- teaching kids to feel comfortable with themselves, their feelings and thoughts -- is the fuel for brain and mind development. If you don't help your child develop in this way, they will limp through life, missing stop signs, danger signs and turn left notifications. They will be unable to unload the feelings that pile up in the body, because they won't know how to cope with them. They will drink to deal, use drugs to deal, be closed and disconnected, work endlessly to avoid feeling, and have cavemen conversations, like, "huh/what? Talk to you later." No substance, no depth, surface lives, surface chatter, surface relations with others. So what is emotional development? It is noticing what someone isn't saying. If your child brings home a bad grade, you notice that, and maybe make an assumption that they didn't study, and you might ground them. Emotionally developed people would sit the child down and ask what happened. Are they having trouble in school? Is the work too much, too hard? It isn't making assumptions. You ask a child to wear an outfit and they say no. You reprimand them without questioning why they don't like it. You listen to their opinion. Respecting a person and their ideas and feelings is key. If someone makes a mistake, your goal is to help them learn from it, not criticize them and put them down for their poor thinking. This creates low self esteem. Listening, questioning, caring and showing that through expression, all promote emotional development. Allow kids to have choices and make decisions about dinner, clothing, what they would like to do for the day. Fish for their ideas on school and family. Don't tell them what and how to think. Evaluate their thinking and direct them when their thinking is getting them in trouble. Always explain why. Do not say" because, I said so." That is control, not joining with your child in a joint venture of cooperation and learning. The beauty of children cannot be compared with much in life. They are innocent beings, waiting to get the emotional teachings they need to get by in this world and to meet the most basic of needs, love, communication, freedom, happiness, choice and survival . To promote emotional development you will: Listen to your child, and look at them. Offer affection, touch, love. Set aside time to talk to them about feelings, not just what they did on Tuesday. Inquire about how they feel, regarding a world event, a personal story. Put them to bed with a hug and offer love and security. They all need it. Don't make assumptions by their expressions and behaviors. The angry child wants to talk, and the overly busy one needs attention. Value their ideas and thank them for their input. Honor them, like in Bat /Bar mitzvahs Have a Bar/Bat Mitzvahs in your own way no matter what your faith. Honor their transitions into new stages of life. Ask them questions when you need help. Let them be valuable. Love them, listen to them, dance with them! Sally Sacks, M.Ed is a licensed psychotherapist, with 20 years of experience, counseling individuals, children, families and couples. Sally is the author of How to Raise the Next President , a groundbreaking parents' guide to teaching and instilling in their kids the qualities they'll need to be happy, successful and productive, no matter which path they choose in life. Sally offers personal and group coaching and can be reached through her website at www.sallysacks.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

What to Do When Your Child is Afraid of Dogs by Colleen Pelar, CPDT, CDBC www.LivingwithKidsandDogs.com Whenever Laura sees a dog, she shrieks and clings to her mother's leg. Thomas runs the other way. And Samuel just freezes, wide eyed in terror. Each of these children is afraid of dogs. As parents, we strive to teach our kids how to cope with life and its challenges. Yet some parents mistakenly believe that it is good for a child to be afraid of dogs because then the child will be more cautious around them. It doesn't usually work that way. When children are frightened, they often run, scream and flail. These actions typically bring a dog closer, not keep it away. Dogs can and do bite children on occasion. But it is not as common as you might think, and there are many things you can do to help ensure that your child will not be bitten. The most important is to learn about dog body language and behavior. The more you know about something, the less scary it becomes. Many kids are frightened because they don't know what a dog will do next. Dogs communicate almost entirely through body language. A basic knowledge of body language can help kids to understand a dog's intentions. My favorite resource for teaching kids about canine body language is the Doggone Crazy board game ( www.doggonecrazy.com ). The game includes over 100 playing cards. Each features a color photo of a dog on the front and asks whether it would be safe to approach the dog. The back of each card gives the correct answer and explains why. I especially like that there are a variety of dogs and that each is called by name. I have found that kids are less afraid when they know the dog's name; "Teddy" and "Riley" seem less intimidating than "that collie" or "the wheaten terrier." After you have a basic understanding of body language, start watching dogs from a distance. Park outside a pet supply store and talk about the dogs you see coming and going. Which ones look happy, which look frightened, which have been taught to walk nicely on a lead, which seem like old or young dogs? When your child is very comfortable watching dogs at a distance, try introducing older, calm dogs to your child. Respect her fear and work at her own pace. Don't try to rush or cajole her into doing more than she's comfortable with. Most children will reach out and touch a calm dog's haunches if the owner turns the dog's head away from the child. That's an excellent first step. Talk with your child about how the dog's fur feels. Ask her if she thinks other dogs' fur would be softer or more rough. Get her thinking about that one dog as an individual. Ask the owner to talk about some of the dog's favorite activities. Work toward having your child give the dog cues (with dog's owner ensuring that the dog complies). Seeing a dog respond correctly to what she asks will help her feel safer. It's best for her to work steadily with one dog until she feels very comfortable before adding another. Once she has met and likes three calm, adult dogs, begin thinking about introducing her to a puppy. Puppies are bouncy and outgoing, which can be unnerving for a tentative child. Again, let her start out at a distance, simply observing the puppy's behavior. Talk with her about the ways in which the puppy is similar to and different from the adult dogs she's met. When she is ready, let her approach the puppy. Be sure that adults are there to prevent the puppy from jumping on her; that would set your progress back considerably. Give her treats that she can toss away from herself for the puppy to eat. If she's comfortable, teach her how to lure the puppy into a sit. First, show her how holding a treat in your hand and moving it just barely higher than the puppy's nose in the direction of his tail will cause the puppy to lift his head up and put his haunches down. Do it a few times so she can watch you. Then have her put a treat in her fist and wrap your hand around hers and lure the puppy into a sit. (Still have an adult there to prevent jumping.) Take it slow. It's much better to teach your child to be a skilled observer of animal behavior than it is for her to be thrown into situations that frighten her. With patience and time, she will learn that there are many gentle, social dogs, and she'll be able to interact safely and calmly with new dogs she meets. That's far, far safer than having her remain afraid of all dogs. Colleen Pelar, CPDT, CDBC, author of Living with Kids and Dogs . . . Without Losing Your Mind , is America's Kids and Canines Coach. Colleen has more than 15 years' experience as the go-to person for parents trying to navigate kid-and-dog issues. Because every interaction between a child and a dog can be improved by a knowledgeable adult, Colleen is committed to educating parents, children, and dog owners on kid-and-dog relationships. For more information visit www.LivingwithKidsandDogs.com . Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>

On Being a Long-Distance Friend of a Person with Breast Cancer By Ruth Haag www.RuthHaag.com I met my friend Nancy when we both lived in Findlay, Ohio in the early 1980s. When Nancy moved to North Carolina, we continued our friendship through letters. In a letter from Nancy in November, 1999, she said, "It has been a strange couple of weeks. I found a lump in my breast just before Thanksgiving, went to my doc who decided he couldn't feel it, but I should go for a mammogram anyway. The mammogram showed the lump and then some.....the surgeon did a core biopsy last week and they found the lump was cancerous." Nancy didn't want her illness to be called a "battle" or "fight" she wanted to call it a "chronic disease." Throughout the next four years, she tried her best to keep her life and family the same as it had always been. So what should a friend, far-away, do when their friend has cancer? Send gifts -- Often We decided to send gifts to Nancy. We tried to send something to her at least monthly, but we often sent something every other week. We had so much fun deciding what Nancy might like. It gave us something positive to do, and Nancy liked receiving the gifts. She came to visit us in the summer of 2000, as she was leaving, she gave me a hug and whispered in my ear, "The gifts are great!" We sent books for her to read, tapes for her to listen to, warm socks in the winter, comfortable lounging clothes, flowers, easy-to-make dinners, and anything that she might mention to us. At one point, she wanted to hang crystals in her dining room window, to create multiple rainbows. We found about a dozen antique crystals of varying shapes and sizes and sent them to her. Be a listener, not a questioner I was once pretty sick, myself, and it was feared that I might die. I got very frustrated that everyone who called me asked first "What did the doctor say today?" I got so tired of repeating the facts and focusing on the illness. When I was talking to Nancy or writing to her, I talked about regular, every-day things. I talked about how my children were, how my work was going. I asked her to help me with things, just as she had always. For example, she reviewed and helped to edit the books that I was writing at that time. I let Nancy decide if she wanted to tell me anything about doctor visits or her symptoms. She normally did, but it was her decision. My family and I miss Nancy greatly, but we also have good memories of those last four years of her life. Ruth Haag ( www.RuthHaag.com ) writes books that help people to understand life as it is, rather than how they think it should be. Her book, "Hope all is well there, Love, Nancy" is a collection of the letters that Nancy Caplan wrote to Ruth during Nancy's last four years of life. Ruth is the CEO/CFO of Haag Environmental Company. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com. More >>